All language subtitles for Last.Man.Standing.S09E15.WEBRip.x264-ION10

Hey, Mike. Have you seen Kyle?

I swung by his desk

to tell him this new
knock-knock joke I heard

and he hasn't come in yet.

Well, maybe he knew
that you were gonna tell him

a knock-knock joke.

-Hey. Hey, sorry I'm late, guys.

Couldn't find my keys,
I almost died

and I forgot to set my alarm.

-What?
-W-Wait. But what happened, son?

I guess I fell asleep
before I set it.

-Not the alarm.
You said you almost died.
Yeah.

-All right, so I just stepped
out of our new apartment...
Yeah.

...and this gorgeous butterfly
flew by.

You would be the first man
to have been killed

-by a gorgeous butterfly.
-Yeah.

Well, no, no,
I-I chased after it.

But a huge branch fell
right where I was standing

a split second before.

If not for that butterfly,

-I would have been killed.
Mm. Yeah, I remember

my first near-death experience
was, boy, someplace in Peru.

Thought I fell on a mountain.

We grabbed a rock
at the last minute. S--

-But, man, does that--
That's life-changing.
-Mm.

I got right home.
First thing I did--

made up a will.

That reminds me of mine.

Yeah, the next day,

I went on a three-day bender
in Mexico.

-That was
a near-death experience also.

But what a way to go.

Well, I think--
I think the point is--

it's a good point--
that, you know,

you're a growing family now,
you know?

Might be a great time

for you to start doing
some estate planning.

-Huh?
-Yeah. Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Estate?

What are we,
Mr. and Mrs. Batman?

Just listen to the man. He knows
what he's talking about.

Knock-knock.

Oh, I love these.

You never know
who's behind the door.

-Right.
-Who's there?

Batman's parents.

But they're dead.

And the only way the kid
could afford to be Batman

is because his parents
made out a will.

'Kay.

His knock-knock jokes
are kind of sad.

Yeah, I know.

But the good ones are happy.
Come on.

I have a whole book of them.
Come here.

-Knock-knock. Knock-knock.
-Who's there?

Hey.

I thought, uh, trail mix
would be the perfect snack

for estate planning.

Something about "trail"
and the path you're on.

I don't know. Just me?

Just you.

Well, I'm really glad
you got them to do this.

It's one of the grim realities
of being a parent,

even though it's gonna be scary
for them.

-Woo-hoo! Who's ready
for some estate planning?
-Hey, guys.

Oh, you put out trail mix.

Because we'll be talking
about our path.

Thank you, Kyle.

I feel seen.

-Well, thanks for coming over.
And, um...
-Yeah.

...a lot of this information
is kind of uncomfortable,

-but it-it really needs
to be read and heard, okay?
-No, yeah,

-no problem.
We are ready. Right, babe?
-All right.

-Sure.
Good.

Kinda.

Not really.

Oh. Hey, look, I get it.

Y-You don't want to think
about your spouse dying.

But-but, trust me,
the more you talk about it,

the easier it becomes.

Yeah.

How often do you talk about it?

This just isn't what
I-I thought it would be.

Well, yeah,
they call it estate planning,

but what you're really doing
is planning for when you die.

No version of this
you come out alive.
-Nope.

It's okay, babe.

Just remember
that when we do pass on,

we'll meet together in heaven
again.

-Okay.
-A-And just make sure

to wear that red dress
so I'll be able to find you.

-Oh, the cute one with the bow?
Right.

-Guys. Guys.
-No, no, no, the strapless one

-with all the sparklies.
-Oh, my gosh, the sparkles.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Can we just focus here

-for just a minute, please?
-Yeah, yeah.
-Yeah.

But-but Kyle's right.
Go with the sparkly one.

I just don't like
to think about Mandy dying.

Okay.
-Would it be easier

if we just talked
about you dying?

Uh, depends.

Uh, how do I die?
Was I doing something cool,

like saving a bunch of animals
from a burning building or...

anything involving a bungee?

Right. Well, all signs point
to strangulation

in a comfortable chair.

Guys,

come on. You just-- you're
not taking this seriously.

Come on.
I know it's scary. It sucks.

But you're doing this for your--

for Sarah,
for your daughter.

This is only in
the unfortunate circumstance

that both of you die.

You know,
who's gonna take care of her?

-What's gonna happen to her?
-You need to find

a guardian for Sarah
that you both trust.

Somebody that would raise her

the way you want her
to be raised, okay?

So...

I think maybe we should go home

and talk about this
a little more.

Yeah. Yeah, I think so, too.

Thank you, guys.

Thanks.

All right, see you later.

Really, how often
do you talk about me dying?

Oh.

There she is!

How's
our newest executive assistant?

So excited.

-And it's such a fancy title.
-Ooh.

Although the only other title
I've had is busboy,

which wasn't fancy
or biologically accurate.

Well, well, there's a lot less
chewed food in this gig.

Well, not none...
but less.

I'm determined to do this job
better than anyone ever.

-Oh. Well...
-Got any tips?

Well, you know, it's
always helped me to, you know,

act like a Marine.

That probably worked for you
because you are a Marine.

Anybody could act like one.

Uh, Marines are respectful,

professional, focused,

uh, confident, effective,

cheerful in the face of death.

What happened
to the person I'm replacing?

Look sharp, Cadet.

-Yes, sir.
There you go.

So, as executive assistant,

is there anything
I could do for you?

Well, um...

Whoa. Running low
on paper clips.

-I'm on it, sir.
-Mm.

How many? Six? Seven?

Uh, a Marine
would just bring the box.

Of course.

Just bring a box.

Think, Jen, think.

-Okay, Sarah's finally asleep.
-Ah.

Just read her
the periodic table.

So, of course, now I'm jazzed.

Did she ask you why the symbol
for potassium is "K"?

I-I never knew that, either.

I don't know
what that's all about.

-Uh, have you heard
from Mandy and Kyle?
-Mm.

They should be finished
with our estate lawyer by now.

Yeah, just got a text from her.
Said "We're on our way.

We found the perfect couple
to be Sarah's guardians."

With the wink emoji.

You think
they're talking about us?

Hey, she used
the word "perfect."

Should we talk about it?

Un-Unless you don't care
one way or the other.

Oh, I care. I care. I care.

But-but do you care?

Oh, yes, yes.
Very much.

-S-So, what are--
what are you thinking?
-No, ladies first.

-Go. No, come on, come on.
-No, no, no, no, no. You go
ahead. Go ahead. You go ahead.

What are we, kids? Listen.
All right, let's, uh,

-go on three together.
Ready? One.
-Okay. All right.

-Two.
-Three.

I don't want to be
Sarah's guardian.

-Ooh, wow. Wow.
-Oh, wow! Wow!

I thought we were gonna do it
at the same time.

-I can't believe
you feel that way.

I know. I'm-- I am such
a horrible grandmother.

I'm so selfish. I...

-You must hate me.
-No, no, no.

Couldn't love you any more than
I do right now. I don't want

-to take care of Sarah. I don't
want to be her guardian, honey.
-Oh, thank God.

-Oh, honey. Oh, good.
Okay, okay.
-Oh, yeah.

-But we love her.
I love her to death. So much.
-Yes. Oh, so, so much.

-Yeah.
-But, really, can you see us

-chasing that kid
all over the house?
-No, no. No.

-I mean, wow.
-Oh, like a Tasmanian devil,

-throwing stuff around.
-Yeah.

-Touching all my tanks? No way.
-But-but...

-it's such an honor
just to be chosen.
-Yeah, yeah.

You know, we got to get Mandy
and Kyle to pick somebody else.

-Well, it's easily done.
We just use the age card.
-Okay.

-Yeah? Oh.
-We'll do the "things--
everything's falling apart."

-You know? Come on. We can--
we can play that.
-Okay. All right, all right.

-All right, just...
-Hello. We're back.

-Hi there.
-Hi. Hey. Hi.

Thanks so much
for watching Sarah.

Well, watching her is one thing,
but hearing her--

Is she crying now?
I can't even tell because my...

Yeah, well, you know, and I went
up there to check on her...

And chased her around today.
Your knees. Are they all right?

-She's fine, but my knees
are shot. Ow.
-She runs so fast.

Anyway, so you guys texted,
said you found the perfect

-guardians for Sarah?
-Oh, yeah, that's right.

-Um... um...
-Come on. It's Mark.

Mike! I don't even remember
my own name sometimes.

Yeah.
And not just any guardians,

the best ones imaginable.

Yeah. You guys ready for this?

-Mm-hmm.
-Okay, if anything happens
to us,

the people we've chosen
to care for Sarah are...

Ed and Bonnie.

-Ed?
-Bonnie?

-SARAH
Mommy.
-Oh, Sarah's up.

We should get her home
for dinner.

Hey, yeah, let's feed her

while she's still ours.

Hey. Oh, it's you.
Is Kyle here?

Oh, I'm good, thanks.

Uh, yeah, he's picking up
the woodchipper that we rented.

We're gonna get rid of that
branch that tried to kill him.

Oh, and you think
the wood chipper will

finish him off, huh?

Well, you know, it's not
a bad thing that you're here.

Mike Baxter said it's not
a bad thing that I'm here.

I will tell my therapist.

Oh, I think you have
bigger fish to fry.

Listen, um...

did you know
that Kyle and Mandy

picked Ed and, uh, Bonnie
to be Sarah's guardian?

-What? Really?
-Yeah.

We just assumed
they would pick us.

Yeah. Kind of hurts.

You probably want to talk
to your therapist now, huh?

Seriously.

Oh, you're mocking me.

Vanessa and I just
found this out,

and we both think
somebody should gently

tell them to change their mind.

You don't do "gently."

Probably should talk
to my therapist about that.

Oh, you-you see a therapist?

That's-- Oh, you're mocking me.

-I really want...

-Oh, hey. Yeah.
-Hey, Mr. B.

Hey, did you come to help?

Woody Woodchipper is
all set up.

That's what I named
the woodchipper.

No. As much as I love
the sound of a good woodchipper,

um, I'm actually impressed that
you two are doing this together.

Or did you invite Ed over
to help you out?

Oh, Mr. Alzate?
No, no, today's the day

he paints watercolors.

Yeah, last week
he painted horses.

Or it might have been dogs.

I don't know, they had legs.

Yeah, well, you know,
Ed's got a lot of hobbies.

You know, I think it's
the time in his life he...

-he should have the ability
to enjoy those hobbies.
-Oh, yeah, I agree.

Is this about the will?

Yeah. I mean, you picked Ed.
I don't know why.

Because he's the greatest man
I know.

Second greatest.

Or tied.
Ooh, don't do this to me.

Uh, could be a three-way tie.
Standing right here.

You've really given me
something to think about.

Oh, hey, and if you need help
thinking about it--

you know, someone who shares
your values and worldview--

I'm your man.

Oh, hey, my butterfly is back.

No, no, don't go near
the chipper.

It's not a cave,
it's a tunnel of knives.

Kyle, the woodchipper's not on.

He doesn't know that.

Good afternoon, sir.

Check that.
It's not quite 01200.

Good morning, sir.

-Jen? Hi.
-Yes, ma'am.

Oh. Oh, please
don't call me that.

Reminds me of the
first time somebody did that.

I was only 18.

Granted, I was
pushing a stroller.

That sounds like
an upsetting experience.

I hate that you had
to go through that, ma'am.

Well... Jen, what is
going on with you?

Susan in accounting said
that you saluted her?

I mean,
it kind of freaked her out.

Darn it. I knew that would
seem weird in the ladies' room.

Listen. Listen, Jen.
Jen, listen.

Look at me. Look at me.
It's okay.

I know that finding your place
here can be a little stressful.

You know what I do?
Just treat everyone like family.

Lovingly, but with a hint
of passive-aggressive

childhood resentment
under the surface?

Not quite. Uh, no, I mean,

you know, friendly,
familiar, casual.

-Okay.
-Okay. So, uh,

what would you say to me
if I just entered the room?

Hello, Kristin.
Welcome to the room!

Okay. Okay, uh,
maybe a little more relaxed.

Okay. Uh...

Good afternoon, Kris.

Better. Uh, just really
loosen up. You know, just...

Uh... 'sup, girlfriend?

Hey, Ed, have you seen my chair?

It's under my butt.

Well, hose it off
and give it back to me.

Kyle said, after talking to you,

he and Mandy no longer want me
to be the guardian.

-So that's what this is about?
-Mm-hmm. You know,

him asking meant a lot
to me, Mikey.

Yeah, taking care of Sarah,
which I do all the time.

You don't want any part of this.

Of course I don't.
I'm not an idiot.

I already raised my own kids.

Well, so what are you mad about?

You know, I botched that job,
and my kids barely speak to me,

but when Kyle asked me,
it was almost like

somebody finally telling me
that I was a good dad.

I get it. Listen.

I-I did it 'cause I thought
I was doing you a favor.

All right, it's not your fault,
all right? It's...

What can I do?

You've known me a long time.
You know what I want.

-For me to drop it.
-Bingo.

Well, you've known me
a long time,

and you know I'm not going to.

Hey, Mike Baxter
for Outdoor Man.

We sell magic here.

Not the kind where big faces
in small rooms "ooh" and "ah"

as you guess their card.

I'm talking about the spell
that lasts generations.

There's nothing more magical
for a kid

than his first hunting trip.

On mine, my dad gave me my first
drag on one of his Pall Malls.

Yeah, that trip made me
fall in love with the outdoors

and guaranteed
I'd never be a smoker.

Boy, that ad writes itself,
doesn't it?

"Fresh mountain air
got you down?

Here, suck on one
of these death sticks." Geez.

My favorite story from American
literature about passing down

the hunting tradition is
William Faulkner's "The Bear."

The mentor's name
is Sam Fathers.

Gee, could you be more
on the nose with that, Bill?

But old Sam isn't
little Ike's dad,

because the author understood

you don't have
to be someone's father

to be a great father figure.

Faulkner was a very wise man,
even if he could never

get the hang
of how to use a period.

That guy's stream
of consciousness is longer

than the wait at the DMV.

Well, maybe you've been
lucky enough to have someone

in your life
who picked up the slack

where your own dad fell short.

These guys are
the real heroes to me.

So here's to all
the father figures,

stepfathers, uncles,
coaches, teachers

and mentors
who have filled that void

and helped shape
lost young bucks

into the men who could become
great dads themselves.

And now
for a little more magic.

Behold as I disappear.

Baxter... out.

-Hey, Chuck.
-Hey.

What happened to your chair?

I don't know.

And as head of security,
I find that embarrassing.

-Your papers, sir.
-Oh, great.

I encountered some resistance
with the copy machine,

but the situation
has been handled.

Thank you, Jen.

Um, at ease?

Jen?

Oh, hey, Krispy-critter.
What's going on, boss lady?

Jen.
-What's up, C-Note?

I mean... sir.

Are you okay?

I don't know.

I'm just trying to fit in.

Mr. Baxter gave me this job, and
I don't want to let him down.

-Chuck,
you've been here a long time.
-Mm-hmm.

Have you ever seen my father
give anybody anything?

Well, he gives me crap
all the time.

But only time he'll give you
a job is if you've earned it.

Jen, if he hired you
to be an executive assistant,

it means that he knew
you were ready for it.

It means he-he saw something
in you.

Really? Like what?

I don't know.
What do you think it was?

Well, I guess I'm smart,

and I have good judgment.

And people like me,
and I'm honest.

Hey, I should just be myself.

-That's a great idea.

I'm clever, I'm funny,

-I've got really cute shoes.
-Oh.

Yeah. We get it.

You ready to start over?

Yes, ma'am. I mean... Kris.
Thank you.

-And thank you. Mr. Larabee.
-Mm.

Now, do either of you
need anything?

No. I'm good.

I'd like to find the knucklehead
who took my chair.

Oh, I think Mr. Baxter has it.

I'm good.

Hey, I got a message I was
supposed to come to your office.

Not from me.
I'm brooding.

Listen, Ed, you said you were
having a meeting about...?

-What? You, too?
-Ah...

All right, something weird
is going on here.

Oh, good. All right,
you're all here.

If this is an intervention,
I'm gonna need a drink,

and I drink alone.

All right,
I brought you guys here

because I-I have a few things
that I wanted to say.

-Mm-hmm.
-Okay, what's with
the note cards?

Oh, uh, sometimes
when I get emotional,

I lose my train of thought, so
I've written some things down.

Oh, good.
There's gonna be emotions.

-Mm.
-Okay.

All right, Mr. B, I-I watched
your vlog on father figures,

and I realized
that you were talking to me.

And-and when we finished
watching it, Mandy and I--

we sat down, and we had
a long conversation

about who would be
the best guardian for Sarah.

And we decided on you, Mr. B.

Oh, wonderful.
That's another punch to the gut.

Okay, can everybody get out
of my office now, please?

-Go.
-Now, hold on, son. Hold on.
-Hang on.

Wait a minute...
-Hang on, Mr. B.

-We also decided on you, Ryan.
-Yes!

How nice of you

to make this announcement
in my office.

We also decided on you,
Mr. Alzate.

Yeah, that's t-- Yes.

Are you sure that tree branch
didn't hit you in the head?

We want you all three
to be Sarah's guardians.

Hmm. Well.

If I'm...

I'm gonna look at the cards now.

"If I'm a good father at all,

"it's because
of the three men in this room.

"I love you all so much, and..."

Ryan, take the cards.
Take... Get the cards.

Okay.

-Come on.
-"I love you all so much,

"and I know that I wouldn't
be the father I am today

"if it weren't
for the influence...

...you all made in my life."

Give me the damn cards.

-Whoa.
What kind of guys
are these?

"This is the best way
for me to honor

what you three amazing fathers
mean to me."

Three.

It's nice, Kyle.

So you and Kristin will be
the primary guardians.

-Yes!
-But then,

Mr. B, Mr. Alzate--
you'll have a say

on all the big decisions.

Sounds like a plan.

-Hey, oh, let's go
tell Kris, Okay?
-Yeah.

Ooh. Gonna need these cards.

-Hmm.
-He's a good kid.

Yeah, he is a good kid.

I watched that vlog
you made for him.

I can see why he loved it.

Actually didn't make that for
him. I made that for you, Ed.

-For me?
-Yes, for you. Um...

you literally have been
like a father to me.

You really have, over these
years, and I wouldn't be

the man I am today without...
without you.

Mikey. One second here.

-Ah.
-Take your chair back.

Go ahead. Go ahead. Go ahead.
Just sit down.

I'll wheel you in.
I'll wheel you in.

-Sit down. Say when.
-Give me a ride.
Give me a ride. Go.

-Don't hit anything.
This way. Go, go.
-Okay.

You're getting heavy.
You getting fat?

Huh? Watch it. Watch it.
Watch the door...!

Okay. Sarah's finally asleep.

-Oh, thank you
for putting her to bed, Mom.
-Oh.

You know,
it usually takes us forever.

First, she wants a book,
then another book.

Then she wants some water,
and then I want some water.

Well, she's never fussy with me.

She usually just goes right out.

So you just read her
that chemical thingamajig?

-Yes. Yes, the periodic table.
-Well, how does it even work?

Well, I just start
at the beginning, and then...

I'll show you. Here.

Um, okay.

Uh, hydrogen.

First discovered
by Henry Cavendish in 1766.

Although, interestingly,

Robert Boyle produced it
as early as 1671.

Um, then next up is helium.

It's the lightest
of the noble gases.

It holds one atomic orbital,
but we may run out of it

in 30 years,
so get used to your balloons

just laying on the carpet.

Even Sarah makes it
to tellurium.

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