All language subtitles for Black.Monday.S03E03.EIGHT.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-NTb_track3_[eng]

upbeat music

It's Showtime tonight

Previously on Black Monday...

I thought you said
the RNC hated me.

They did, until
your assassination attempt,

and now you are polling
through the roof.

Pastor Swafford.
You're still a monster.

I will hang you out to dry.

Old Keithy is finally
in charge now.

You answer to me.

$1 million went missing.
We know it was you.

[Dawn] I need a job.
I just need a company name

to satisfy my parole officer.

They're charging me
with securities fraud.

I can fix this.

You can never fix this.

We should just be focused
on being

-a couple...
-Friends.

...of friends.

[Mo] Dawny, Dawn, Dawn.

So I'm pretty sure you spent
another post-prison weekend

partying till the break
of you

and are too hungover
to pick up

without throwing up.

but I really need
to tell you something,

big,

bigger than big, fucking huge.

Pick up. Pick up.

Pick up.
Pick up. Pick up. Pick up.

Pick up. Pick up. Pick up.
Pick up. Fuck!

This news is way too big
to leave on your machine,

but you really should be
the first to know.

But I really wanna see
your face when I tell you.

But I really don't want you
to hear it from someone else.

Ooh, what to do, what to do,
what to do, what to do,

what to do, what to do.
What should I do?

Stop eating
the whole fucking tape!

Respect the fucking tape.

[Mo] I guess I'll just tell you
when you get here.

Oh, and you better fucking
get here fast

'cause your parole officer
called,

and she's coming by right now
to shadow you all day.

-Fuck!
-[Mo] Sorry.

Probably should've led
with that.

She sounded like
a real "See you next Tuesday,

you fucking cunt."

Wait, did I...
Did I do that wrong?

Eric Clapton's "Pretending"
playing

How many times

Must we tell the tale?

How many times
must we fall?

Living in lost memory

You just recalled

I get lost in alibis

No, thanks.

Sadness can't prevail

Ugh.

Shit.

Don't be pretending

About how you feel

Don't be pretending

-I'm...
-Coming!

Don't be pretending

About how you feel

Don't be pretending

Hey.

If anybody asks,
I work here, okay?

Wait, you work here now?

You take the question mark

off that sentence,
motherfucker.

My parole officer will be here
any minute. Fuck.

Uh, chairman of Ways
and Means, sir, three o'clock.

Hmm...

Who are you talking to?

Idiot,
I'm just pretending.

-Dawn Darcy.
-Congressman Pfaff.

Ahh!

All right.

-Now...
How can I help you?

Girl, I am so glad
my PO is a Henrietta

and not a Henry,
if you know what I mean.

-I prefer Henry.
-Totally.

Yeah, no, I just mean
that you understand

the struggle that the ladies
face in the workplace.

That's why when I was CEO,
I employed only women.

-Except for me and Wayne.
-Ahh, yes, diversity hires.

Takes great pride in her work

at her
prior criminal enterprise.

Okay, now,
where is your workstation?

Oh, yes, yes, yes.
I am actually right over here.

It is my girl, Missy.

Missy is my office BFF.

Are you talking to me?

Bitch,
I know you not gonna act.

You know I'm talking to you.
Oh, my God, she is so crazy.

You are crazy,
you sexy bitch, you.

Oh.
Okay, so is this your desk?

Yes, this is my,
well, my home away from home.

So this is your needlepoint?

And this is your trophy?

And these are your condoms?

Missy, bitch, I swear to God,

I'ma shoot you in your eye
with a fucking BB gun again.

You play too much.

I told you
I'ma punch you in your titties.

You're at it again.
I told you she was crazy.

No, here at KokoMo Co,
we have this thing we do

called Mix Up Mondays

where we switch everybody's
shit off each other's desk,

and this bitch
is the ringleader.

No, it's Monday fun day.

That's what Mo, Mr. Monroe,
my boss, calls it, actually.

-[Mo] Hey, hey!
Oh, champagne?

No, I-I never touch
this stuff. Not for me.

It's just Moet Mondays.
You know, what can you do?

So it's Mix Up Monday
and Moet Monday

'cause it's Monday fun day.

-Yes.
-Even though today is Tuesday?

Is that who I think it is?
-Hey!

Yes.
This is Mr. Monroe.

And this is my parole officer,
Henry.

-Hello. Henry?
-Henry.

Okay, Henry.

Write this shit down verbatim.
-Mm-hmm.

Ms. Dawn Darcy is
the most hardworking,

honest, home run employee

that I have ever had
the honor to work with.

Okay?
She's the best.

Best employee,
but best friend ...

Making it weird.

Oh, thank you.
Thank you.

And I also have
to introduce you all

to Ms. Nomi Maldona.

She is a supernova
singing sensation.

And she also happens to be

our latest signing
to KokoMo Co Records, so...

Yes, which explains
the champagne better.

Yeah,
it explains the champagne.

And, oh, I don't know,
your fiancée, Momo.

Whoops, left something out.

We're getting hitched, y'all.

Yeah, look at that.

Beautiful, isn't it?

It's nice, right?

-Yes, congratulations.
-Yeah.

upbeat '80s music

Good news, Lar.

By reducing Pfaffashions'
toilet paper to single ply,

we're able to see some savings.

Now, granted, it's not a lot,
but in this business,

it's death by a thousand butts.
Am I right?

-Have a seat.
-Yeah, sure.

-What's up?
-No, not there.

There.

Okay.

You know, my brother set up
this putting green to teach me.

Lenny's a big golf guy?

Nah, he thought
the game was too ethnic.

He did it
to teach me discipline.

Not bad.

I guess I have to be

the big brother now.

Ow!

I sent you to Pfaffashions
to find the fat.

A sorority sister with
a sharpie could have done it.

No, no, no.
No, no, please.

Ow!
Ow!

Instead, I hear the She-E-O
is still using company cash

like it's her personal ATM

by dumping it
into her husband's campaign.

No, no, no, no, no.

You know, Keith,
there is a vast chasm

between working
for the Leighman brothers

and being a Leighman brother.

It takes balls of steel.
Do you have them?

dramatic music

I do.

Oh!

And to think
I was gonna give you our nose.

Welcome to your new office.

Wow.
I love the dark wood.

It was Dick Cheney's office

before he became secretary of defense.

Wow, if these walls
could talk.

They wouldn't dare.

Cheney had the wallpaper
made from NDAs.

Word.

Well, looks like
the RNC is a fan of RN-Me.

Play your cards right,
and you could nab the VP slot

for the next
presidential campaign.

You've got all
the right players behind you.

-Baby boomers...
-Ah.

People who value the sanctity

of banning abortion clinics.

Yes, sir, as well as Big Jesus,

Big Pharma, and Bigots United.

The only part
of the conservative coalition

you haven't nailed down
is the NRA.

What? But I was shot
and I didn't blame the gun.

Don't worry, their annual
Shoot-A-Thon is tomorrow.

It's NRA president
Charlton Heston's

signature event.

He autographs
the spent shell castings.

So, you know, you just have
to go there and--

Talk shit,
shoot shit, get shitfaced.

Talk about shooting fish
in a barrel.

That was
last year's competition, sir.

This year, it's baby ducks
in a pond.

And once Heston's signs off
on you,

the sky's the limit.

Not for the baby ducks,
of course.

Of course.
Now, speaking

of shooting adorable babes,

where are we on who shot me?

They're zeroing in
on a suspect.

We should have a name for you
just as soon

as we finish the focus groups.

I'm sorry, what now?

Well, the RNC
has been workshopping

a few options.

A Greenpeace-loving activist,
a lesbo...

-Fun.
-...George Soros.

Okay, cool.

But what about who actually
shot me, like, in reality?

Stop worrying
about reality, sir.

You're a Republican.

Someone tried to kill me.

Now, maybe because I'm me,

but I would actually like
to find out who--

Jerked your limp
political career

into a rock-hard rocket ride?

-Werner...
Yeah.

So maybe don't go digging, sir.

Okay.

Hey, you.

-Hey.
-How you doing?

I'm fine.

-Yeah?
-Yeah.

Okay, 'cause it seemed

like you ran in here
and you were kinda upset

like you were gonna have
a cry or something.

It's understandable, babe.

I'm certainly not gonna cry
over some shit like that.

No, actually, I'm fine.

Look, I'm sorry
I didn't tell you

about me and Nomi earlier.

There just wasn't any time,

and it didn't seem like

leaving all that
on your answering machine

was really the best way to go.

There was no tape left.
You know what? You used it all.

I did.

And I need...
I need another fucking tape.

Maxell 120.

I know your flavor.

None of that
fucking Memorex bullshit.

Fuck Memorex.

But speaking of, her demo,
you gotta listen to it.

This shit will really dampen up
your eyes and thighs.

Jesus.
Dampen up? No-no.

-Well, check it out.
-Okay.

[both] Neither Of Us
Has Ever Felt

The Feelings We're Feeling
Before.

It's got a nice ring
to it.

-Now, I have one question.
-Yeah.

Is the song as long
as the title,

or is it short?

You really are brave.

You are fighting
through this amazingly.

Oh, no, listen, and so are you,

because you know I love
that your ego

has allowed you to be friends,

you know,
because that's what I wanted.

Great, because
that's what I want too, Dawny.

Good. That's all I want.
I mean, I said it, obviously.

All right? Good.
That's what we both want.

Great. And I hope that in time,

you know,
when your heart heals,

you, me, and Nomi,
we can be the best of friends.

And I'm sorry again, okay?

I'm sorry.
All right?

Because if you don't stop
apologizing,

I swear I'm gonna pull
a fucking Jammer.

I'm gonna jump off
your fucking balcony.

-Oh.

You'd kill yourself

just because I got engaged?
That's--

I'm not doing this
with you, okay?

Okay.

Stop it.
Stop making that fucking face.

Well, at least
you're not rebounding.

-Back to work.
-Hang in there, champ.

No, nothing to hang in for.
I'm fine.

Yeah, you've said that
a number of times. I got it.

Really?
I'm joking.

No, I'm good.
Yeah, no, I'm fine.

And thank you.
I can't wait to listen to this.

-It's great.
-Yeah, well, okay. We'll see.

peppy music

Knock, knock, tough rock.

Holy shit, Maurice Monroe.

What brings you down
to the Shmona district?

I got big news, K-Man.
I'm engaged.

Wait, really? Holy shit.

Wow, you two crazy...kids
finally did it.

Talk about the world's longest

"will they, won't they
ever get it right?"

That's a real Salmon Diane.

Oh, Cheers.

Yeah, where everybody knows
you're white.

No, the dish, Salmon Diane.

Yeah, sure could never
quite nail that recipe.

Why would I know anything
about your wife's cooking?

Anyway, hey, congratulations.
You and Dawn, I called it.

Well, it's actually not Dawn.

It's...
Met a girl three days ago.

Her name's Nomi.

And I know it's brand new,
but we're in love.

Twist. Classic Mo.

You know, back in the day,

you would've been
the first person I told.

And we would've gone out

and coked our beaks bloody.

Oh, it would've been bad.

Would've been so bad.

Hey, thanks, you know,
for coming here.

I know it takes a big man
to admit when they're wrong.

Oh, no.

You think that's why
I'm down here?

I am down here because
you and Larry are holding

my record label hostage.

And the only thing worse than
fucking with a man's livelihood

is fucking with his woman.

And 'cause she's signed
to my label,

you and Larry
are fucking with both.

So I am here
to personally tell you,

you better get
this fucking IPO thing right.

You got it?

tense music

Damn, your hair looks good.

You're not shitting me
right now, are you?

It's amazing.
-It's fucking great, right?

-What did you do?

Took a long time.
I went to Germany--

Don't care. Fuck off.

Classic Mo.

You know what I've been
reading recently?

The Bible.

I dig it.
It's weird.

It's like The Hobbit
a little bit.

Wait a minute.
Wait.

We were here before that guy.
Why are we still sitting here?

That's why.

All the other labels,
they pay to play,

but Mo doesn't think it's
kosher, so...

So since Mo is on
this integrity kick,

you gotta sit here all day?

Okay.
So I know you're new here,

but you sure seem confused.

Henry, why don't you just
do your job, and I'll do mine?

My job is to watch
you do your job.

Yes.

Tony. What's up?

Any new artists
I should check out?

We just signed
a 103-year-old man.

This dude's incredible...

Okay. You know what?

You have better cut this shit,

or I'm gonna report you.

You've been acting
fucking weird all day.

Do you even work at KokoMo Co?

tense music

Oh, God. You're right.

Listen, I have been
acting fucking weird,

but it's not because of my job.

It's...

It's Mo.

Your boss?

My boss and my on-
and off-again boyfriend

for the last 15 years.
And then--

You guys were together
for 15 years?

Yes. I mean, and no.

I mean, I was married.
But yes.

And then, suddenly,
he gets engaged,

and I try to act
like I'm fine,

but I'm not fine.

How the fuck could I be fine?

No, girl, listen, I get it.

I just got outta something
that was crazy.

Messy-ass breakup.

Nothing I did for, like,
three months made any sense.

Girl, I get it.
It's complicated.

Oh, yes, you understand.

It's like a Rubik's cube
with pubes.

Okay. You know what?

I don't think
you need me on top of you

on top of everything else.

So don't even worry about it.
It's fine.

I'll just see you next week

and the week after that...

and the week after that.

-Oh.

This bitch.

Ah, ah!
Give me some sugar. Yeah.

Fucking freaks.

Honey, I'd rather be a freak
than a--

Keith?

Mike?

Jesus, when did you join
Cirque du Sogay?

Hair.

Uh...ish.

How've you been?

You mean since I almost went
to jail because of you?

Yeah, that was kind of
the time frame

I was referring to, yeah.

I'm good.
I'm really good.

-Good.
Look at you.

You're back in the closet?

No. What?
No, I'm just--I'm working.

And I...

Holy shit.
Are those skants?

Oh, yeah,

I call it an asscape.

Yeah, I-I make those.

Actually I'm taking
Pfaffashions public

because IPOs,
they're the next big thing.

I mean, LBOs--

Stop, I fell asleep.

Look, we're keeping
the party going...

but I'm sure you can't.

I can, I just I can't
'cause it's cants.

Well, I'm DJing
at House Cat tonight.

Tonight's bad.
I got a--I got a thing.

-How about tomorrow night?
-I have a thing too.

You know what?
I DJ every single night.

So if you change your mind
and your clothes

and your life,

stop by.

Be good to see you
for old time's sake.

And here, a gift.

Courage.

Bye, bow-tie.

electronic music

-Hey.
-Hey.

Do you mind
if we Deep Throat this?

-You're the expert.
-Oh, ho.

No, I just mean, like,
back to back

like spies, you know, for fun.

You mean for your reputation?

Because you don't wanna be seen
with a convicted criminal,

even though the whole reason
that you have a reputation

and that I'm
a convicted criminal

is because you fucked me.

No, no, no. I fucked Mo.

You fucked yourself.
I don't know

why you sacrifice yourself
for someone so selfish.

You didn't even come visit me.

You told me you didn't want me
to come visit you.

Because that's what
you fucking say when...

you know what?
Fuck you, dude.

Whatever.

-So?
-So...

How've you been?
Are you seeing anybody?

No, I meant, so are you gonna
expunge my record or not?

That's the only reason
I'm here.

It will be done.
And for what it's worth...

thank you for coming
to visit me in the hospital.

It was really scary.
I mean, I almost--

I know, I know.

After everything that
we've been through...

-That's why I went.
-I know.

Mo's engaged...

to a child,

not that it matters to me.

Well, you're clearly in love
with that guy.

No.
Why does everyone think that?

Dawn, c'mon, it's just us.

No, no.

There is no us, not anymore.

somber music

No, no, no, no.
Wait.

We can, you know, I don't know,

troll for dick.

Sounds like fun.

No, I'm sorry.

I don't wanna be seen
with you, Congressman...

for my reputation.

somber electronic music

[Blair] I have everything
I ever wanted.

Money, power, perfect pitch.

But even with all that
and every pleasure center

maxed out on the reg,
I'm still feeling... bad.

I mean,
everyone I know hates me.

It's like,
"Did I do something wrong?"

I mean, that's crazy, right?
And you would know.

What you're describing,
Blair, is guilt.

What do I have
to feel guilty about?

Maybe--I'm just checking
my notes here--

double crossing your wife
on your wedding day?

-Eh.
-Dropping your business rival

-off a building?
-No.

Blackmailing your lover

into hanging himself

and then poisoning
his life's legacy

on national TV?

Uh-uh.

Causing the single greatest
loss of global wealth

in human history?

Or...what you did to your dad.

That's a fascinating theory,
Doc-turd.

But maybe, maybe, my paranoia
could also stem

from the fact that,
oh, I don't know,

I was fucking shot
in the fucking chest,

and the fucking person
who fucking did it

is still fucking out there,

and I'm the only one
who fucking cares.

I'm sorry.
I'm just feeling...scared.

And I do not like
these feelings,

so I was just thinking,
maybe you could, you know,

shocky-shocky them away.

-Of course.

For $550 an hour, this better--

-Help.
-Well, I was gonna say cure me,

but that's
the whole scam, right?

Meanwhile,
your poor patients are...

Dying.

...inside,
and you dumb head doctors

don't even have the heart to--

Tell Gerard
it was always him.

Gerard?

Holy fuck!

Tiff!
Tiffany Amber Pfaff!

Oh, Jesus.
-Where is she?

I checked her place,
her boyfriend's place,

and their pied-à-terre.
I need to talk to her.

Don't we all?
Unfortunately, Tiff is out

blowing all the Pfaffashion's cash,

amongst other things, I assume.

This is the second time
I've been scared to death

by actual fucking death,

and she's missing.

What kinda marriage is that?

I assumed a sham one.
No judgements.

Oh, God.
I'm such an idiot.

I was almost out.
Why did I go back in?

You know, Oscar Wilde
once said,

"When the gods wish
to punish us,

they answer our prayers."

Ha!
That's so gay.

I don't mean that out, Keith.
I mean, out of politics,

always having to answer
to someone, doing bad shit.

Oh, I'm in too deep.

The only way out
for me now is through.

I don't know.
How did this happen?

You know, I was wondering
the same thing.

This life that we have to live

versus the one
that we want to live.

I don't need all the details.

The plugs do a lot of the work.

You're miserable. Right?

Well, take it from me, Keith,

get out while you still can.

moody music

Hello, madam.
I'm--

Oh, I know who you are.

You're Blair Pfaff!

You're just in time
for the duck-athlon.

Whoever shoots
the most cute little ducklings

gets their picture
on the cover of NRA Today.

-Awesome.
Now, let's see.

-Here is your gun.

-Here you are.
-Thank you.

Oh, and your vest.
Keep that baby on.

Us wives like to call
this event the Widowmaker

due to the occasional
oopsie-doopsie.

Oh, wow, thank you
for that terrifying tip.

Could you point me
in the direction

of a Mr. Charlton Heston,
please?

-Oh, he's right over there.
-Ah!

Thank you.

Mr. Heston.
I just wanna say,

I am such a fan of--

Pastor Newell!

Surprise, surprise.

dramatic music

Ah, you're back.
-I'm back.

What, is your PO here
or something?

No, I wanted
to tell you something,

and I didn't wanna do it
on your machine.

That's great,
but I kinda wanna talk to you

about something first, okay?

I wanted to tell you something.

No, no, no, just have a seat.

I mean--okay, okay.
Yeah.

Listen, I know you're
not fine with all of this.

Okay?
And I'm sure

I probably
didn't help matters either.

Okay.
Truly, I am fine.

Dawn, c'mon, Yas told me

what you told
your PO at the station.

Oh, what?
No, no, no.

I was playing her.

I-I just needed to cover fast,
that's all.

Okay. Dawn pulling
on the old heartstring, huh?

You know.

-Dirty Darcy.
-I learned from the best.

So you're sure
you're not jealous?

Well, yeah, I'm jealous.
I'm jealous as fuck.

-Well, that's what I'm saying.
-No, I'm jealous of you, Mo.

Because you did it.
You figured your shit out.

Me, I'm on parole,

sleeping in a fucked-up
Murphy bed.

I don't know what the fuck

I'm gonna do
for the rest of my life.

Oh...

No, don't. Okay?

Just believe me when I say,
for the very last time,

I am fine with your fiancée.

Because I-I love you, Mo Mo.

-I love you too, Dawn.
-Yeah.

Oh, wait. I'm gonna prove it.

-What?
-What are you doing?

Soft lights, soft music...

Are you fucking kidding me?

This is...
You did this?

How did you do this?

The way the old Mo I used

playing dirty.

$400 a spin,
and not during drive time.

I only have $83 in my purse.

You mean your Gucci purse?

You owe me a fake Gucci.

Goddamn it, Dawn,

I don't wanna run
my fucking business like that.

-This is a legit business.
-You didn't, okay? I did.

Why did you do that?
Why would you make me do that?

Just consider it
an engagement gift.

Is that--Mo,
I'm on the radio?

-You're on the radio.
-I'm on the radio?

Yeah. You did it.

-Well, I mean, Dawn--
Yes, you did.

It's great, Mo.

-Congrats, babe.
-Aw, thanks, babe.

Wow.
Sounds so good.

What are you doing here?
Where's Heston?

Well, Chucky had to finish up
his arc on Dynasty,

so I promised my dear friend
that I'd vet you.

Now pick up your ears, prick.

I need you to introduce
some legislation

so that churches
can own air rights.

I am tired of circling around

so they can medevac
some bald kid.

Nah, I'm not doing that.

Don't forget I made you, son.

Oh, please. I made me.

Then I got shot,
died for 11 minutes,

and came back to life
even fucking better.

I'm basically like Jesus
with more manageable hair.

Oh, and white,
unlike the actual Jesus,

who, according
to overwhelming geographic

and genetic evidence,
was Black.

That's blasphemous.
C'mon.

All I'm looking for
is a little quid pro quo.

Just like with Roger,

only this time,
no one gets hurt,

except maybe
the occasional therapist.

Oh, my God.
It was you.

Moi?
No.

But I spoke
to my little friend

-down at the morgue..
-That tracks.

...that those electrodes
were rigged

to elect-splode.

Now, the question is, were
they meant to fry him or you?

Fuck you, you Miracle Max
Headroom motherfucker.

If being the next Dan Quayle
means having to get in bed

with you again,
then fuck it, I'm through.

Reach out, touch faith

Depeche Mode's
"Personal Jesus" playing

Your own personal Jesus

Someone to hear
your prayers

Someone who cares...

This is for Roger.

Oopsie-doopsie.

Your own personal Jesus

Someone to hear
your prayers

Someone who cares

Reach out, touch faith

Oh, look at that.

Wow!

Say cheese, killer.

Reach out

music continues
in soundtrack

Reach out, touch faith

Reach out and touch faith

spacey electronic music