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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:08,375 --> 00:00:10,166 We the People. 2 00:00:10,833 --> 00:00:12,416 We the People. 3 00:00:12,500 --> 00:00:13,625 We the People. 4 00:00:13,708 --> 00:00:16,083 - We the People. - We the People. 5 00:00:16,166 --> 00:00:18,708 - We the People! - We the People! 6 00:00:18,791 --> 00:00:21,500 - We the People! - We the People! 7 00:00:22,541 --> 00:00:25,166 Wait... 8 00:00:25,250 --> 00:00:26,708 We the People... 9 00:00:29,166 --> 00:00:30,375 Yeah! 10 00:00:30,458 --> 00:00:33,583 - We the People! - We the People! 11 00:00:33,666 --> 00:00:35,916 Sorry, Tom, "We the People" it is. 12 00:00:36,000 --> 00:00:38,791 You can use "Us rich white guys" on your Christmas card. 13 00:00:38,875 --> 00:00:41,791 Mmm, at Dartmouth, we play with actual paddles. 14 00:00:41,875 --> 00:00:44,708 Nobody fucking cares how you do it at Dartmouth, Tom. 15 00:00:45,750 --> 00:00:48,500 Franklin, these bucktooth fun police can suck it 16 00:00:48,583 --> 00:00:50,583 because we've done it, boys! 17 00:00:50,666 --> 00:00:54,250 - We have declared our independence! - Huzzah! 18 00:00:54,333 --> 00:00:58,250 Lincoln and his idiot lackey, Washington, are gonna be pissed they missed this. 19 00:00:58,333 --> 00:01:00,458 Ooh! We should take a picture! 20 00:01:00,541 --> 00:01:02,083 Say "cheese." 21 00:01:02,166 --> 00:01:03,250 Benedict Arnold? 22 00:01:03,916 --> 00:01:06,750 It's the Redcoats! Run! 23 00:01:12,708 --> 00:01:13,833 What is happ... 24 00:01:18,041 --> 00:01:21,416 - No, no, no! - Declarate this! 25 00:01:42,041 --> 00:01:45,250 Now I just have to catch a show with my old chum, 26 00:01:45,333 --> 00:01:47,875 Abraham Lincoln. 27 00:01:50,500 --> 00:01:53,416 Four score and seven years ago, 28 00:01:53,500 --> 00:01:56,875 I swore an oath to never tell a lie. 29 00:01:56,958 --> 00:02:02,125 To be true to my family, my friends, and the Republic for which they stand, 30 00:02:02,208 --> 00:02:07,708 which is why I am compelled, by divine duty, to tell you 31 00:02:07,791 --> 00:02:10,583 your prices are fucking insane! 32 00:02:10,666 --> 00:02:13,125 Wow, easy. Take it up with the King. 33 00:02:13,208 --> 00:02:15,625 - Something about taxation! - Yeah, that's right! 34 00:02:15,708 --> 00:02:17,750 Dude, I just work here. 35 00:02:17,833 --> 00:02:20,208 But... Uh... Something about representation! 36 00:02:20,291 --> 00:02:21,958 - Yeah! - You tell 'em, Abe! 37 00:02:22,041 --> 00:02:24,833 - Abe! - This isn't over, pal! 38 00:02:24,916 --> 00:02:25,791 Yeah! 39 00:02:25,875 --> 00:02:28,541 You don't gotta be such a damn tyrant about it. 40 00:02:28,625 --> 00:02:31,250 Abe! Look at me! 41 00:02:31,333 --> 00:02:33,916 - This guy dared me to climb up here. - No, I didn't. 42 00:02:34,000 --> 00:02:36,208 Well, you should've! Whoo! 43 00:02:36,875 --> 00:02:38,017 Yeah! 44 00:02:38,041 --> 00:02:40,875 George, you are a wild man. 45 00:02:40,958 --> 00:02:42,500 What can I say? 46 00:02:42,583 --> 00:02:45,250 Somebody's gotta balance out all your boring politics. 47 00:02:45,333 --> 00:02:48,666 George, I guess that's what makes us such a good team. 48 00:02:48,750 --> 00:02:53,250 A team that will last until we both die of natural causes and old age, 49 00:02:53,333 --> 00:02:54,333 in our forties. 50 00:02:54,416 --> 00:02:57,541 But I do wish ya cared about more than just partying. 51 00:02:57,625 --> 00:03:00,625 Abe! I care about more than that, all right? 52 00:03:00,708 --> 00:03:04,000 I also care about... how good we look! 53 00:03:04,083 --> 00:03:07,958 Oh, George. You paid 35 bucks for a T-blouse? 54 00:03:08,041 --> 00:03:12,416 No, I paid 70 bucks for two T-blouses. 55 00:03:12,500 --> 00:03:13,333 Twinsies! 56 00:03:13,416 --> 00:03:17,083 George, I wish I had a million friends like you. 57 00:03:17,166 --> 00:03:19,916 - Should I put it on my body? - Yeah, put it on your body. 58 00:03:20,000 --> 00:03:23,208 Oh, it feels so soft on my body. 59 00:03:23,291 --> 00:03:25,958 - It's like a blend. Is it a blend? - It's a tri-blend. 60 00:03:26,041 --> 00:03:28,791 Oh, it's so soft, I'd swear it's a quad blend. 61 00:03:28,875 --> 00:03:31,125 - I know. - Oh, shit, oh! 62 00:03:31,208 --> 00:03:32,208 Oh, here comes Ben. 63 00:03:32,250 --> 00:03:35,000 - Ooh! Uh, hey, Ben. - Benedict. 64 00:03:35,083 --> 00:03:38,333 Oh, sorry. Last two. 65 00:03:51,333 --> 00:03:53,333 I'm so glad you came. 66 00:03:53,416 --> 00:03:56,833 Mmm, I was worried that you might have caught wind 67 00:03:56,916 --> 00:03:58,250 of my little surprise. 68 00:03:58,333 --> 00:03:59,416 No, not at all, man. 69 00:03:59,500 --> 00:04:02,500 These are boffo seats! We didn't even see this coming at all. 70 00:04:02,583 --> 00:04:03,958 What are you up to? 71 00:04:04,041 --> 00:04:06,541 You hate surprises and general whimsy. 72 00:04:06,625 --> 00:04:08,583 I've always told you, Abraham, 73 00:04:08,666 --> 00:04:10,958 that your revolution would be the end of you. 74 00:04:11,041 --> 00:04:14,500 And I've always told you, Ben, that I was willing to take that chance. 75 00:04:14,583 --> 00:04:17,333 That we should all be willing to take that chance. 76 00:04:19,708 --> 00:04:21,708 Yes, you have. 77 00:04:21,791 --> 00:04:24,541 The only problem is you assumed, all this time, 78 00:04:24,625 --> 00:04:27,958 that I'm part of your "we," when, in fact, 79 00:04:28,041 --> 00:04:31,416 I'm with a different "we," now. 80 00:04:32,916 --> 00:04:35,125 Uh, I didn't... I don't get it. 81 00:04:35,208 --> 00:04:38,041 I changed teams, assholes. 82 00:04:38,125 --> 00:04:40,208 Oh, Ben, good for you! 83 00:04:40,291 --> 00:04:43,125 I'm so glad that you're embracing your true self. 84 00:04:43,208 --> 00:04:45,666 No! I'm gonna be fuckin' rich. 85 00:04:45,750 --> 00:04:49,541 Oh, Rich sounds like a great guy, would love to meet him. 86 00:04:49,625 --> 00:04:52,125 - We could do a double date? - You're misunderstanding. 87 00:04:52,208 --> 00:04:54,125 - I'll be doing the Redcoat Shuffle. - Hey. 88 00:04:54,208 --> 00:04:57,000 Whatever you guys do in private is your business. 89 00:04:57,083 --> 00:04:58,916 That's one of the things we're fighting for! 90 00:04:59,000 --> 00:05:01,125 Stop being so damn accepting for a minute! 91 00:05:01,208 --> 00:05:04,541 I have aligned myself with the Brits. 92 00:05:04,625 --> 00:05:06,291 Oh. Ohh! 93 00:05:06,375 --> 00:05:08,083 George, are you hearing this? 94 00:05:08,166 --> 00:05:09,583 Are you seeing this? 95 00:05:09,666 --> 00:05:12,916 Abe, they're using things as instruments that you're not supposed to use. 96 00:05:13,000 --> 00:05:15,208 - It's crazy! - George, fuck! 97 00:05:15,291 --> 00:05:17,791 You've sided with the fun police? 98 00:05:17,875 --> 00:05:20,833 Something about taxation. Don't you remember? 99 00:05:20,916 --> 00:05:24,458 Hot take, Abe. Fun sucks. 100 00:05:24,541 --> 00:05:27,333 The Declaration was signed tonight, Ben. 101 00:05:27,416 --> 00:05:30,416 You're too late to stop the revolution. Ha-ha! 102 00:05:30,500 --> 00:05:32,416 Oh, am I? 103 00:05:32,500 --> 00:05:35,791 - Your friends in revolution are all dead. - What? 104 00:05:35,875 --> 00:05:38,791 And as for your precious Declaration of Independence... 105 00:05:38,875 --> 00:05:41,833 - Oh, it's beautiful! - A-Kelly Ripa! 106 00:05:41,916 --> 00:05:43,333 No! 107 00:05:43,416 --> 00:05:45,500 But you're Benedict "Cosby" Arnold! 108 00:05:45,583 --> 00:05:47,916 - You're better than this! - You're right. 109 00:05:48,000 --> 00:05:49,541 I am. 110 00:05:56,875 --> 00:06:00,041 Abe, what the... Oh, my God. Your neck's... Oh, my God! 111 00:06:00,125 --> 00:06:02,916 Your neck is bleeding! Is this part of the show? 112 00:06:03,000 --> 00:06:05,125 Look, I don't do well with interactive theater, okay? 113 00:06:05,208 --> 00:06:06,500 It kinda freaks me out. 114 00:06:06,583 --> 00:06:08,750 I know. That's great. We're number one, I get that. 115 00:06:08,833 --> 00:06:10,875 But I don't see what that has to do with... 116 00:06:10,958 --> 00:06:12,583 Arnold, behind you. 117 00:06:12,666 --> 00:06:14,500 No, Abe, I'm George. 118 00:06:14,583 --> 00:06:16,125 It's George! 119 00:06:16,208 --> 00:06:18,291 George, turn around. 120 00:06:18,375 --> 00:06:20,083 Ben! Ben, what the fuck, man? 121 00:06:21,958 --> 00:06:25,000 Someday, Georgie, you'll have to draft a document 122 00:06:25,083 --> 00:06:28,708 that specifically outlines the punishment for what I just did. 123 00:06:28,791 --> 00:06:32,000 But for now, I bid you adieu. 124 00:06:32,541 --> 00:06:33,750 Nyah! 125 00:06:36,333 --> 00:06:39,333 Sic semper my dick, bitches! 126 00:06:41,166 --> 00:06:42,625 This is the weirdest show. 127 00:06:42,708 --> 00:06:44,000 Abe. 128 00:06:44,125 --> 00:06:45,375 Abe, are you okay? 129 00:06:45,458 --> 00:06:48,875 - No, my throat has been roadhoused. - Ah, it's in my mouth. 130 00:06:48,958 --> 00:06:50,583 I'm dying, George. 131 00:06:50,666 --> 00:06:53,458 No, you will not die! You shut your mouth! 132 00:06:53,541 --> 00:06:56,166 I will shut my mouth. 133 00:06:56,250 --> 00:06:58,416 - Forever. - Stop it! 134 00:06:58,500 --> 00:07:02,416 - Abe, you're gonna make it. - Yes, to the other side. 135 00:07:02,500 --> 00:07:05,125 No! Back to this side! Where you belong! 136 00:07:05,208 --> 00:07:08,958 George, you must free the colonies. 137 00:07:09,041 --> 00:07:13,041 No! That's your thing, Abe. It's not mine. 138 00:07:13,125 --> 00:07:16,666 It's yours now, George. I believe in you. 139 00:07:16,750 --> 00:07:19,208 Free the colonies. 140 00:07:19,291 --> 00:07:21,375 Found a new country. 141 00:07:21,458 --> 00:07:22,958 Name her... 142 00:07:23,041 --> 00:07:26,541 Name her what, babe? You tell me what you want me to name her. 143 00:07:26,625 --> 00:07:28,875 God damn it! You son of a bitch! 144 00:07:28,958 --> 00:07:33,625 Whatever you tell me to name her, that's what I'm gonna name her, Abie! 145 00:07:33,708 --> 00:07:37,541 Name her America. 146 00:07:40,250 --> 00:07:41,666 Is that your top choice? 147 00:07:41,750 --> 00:07:43,875 We can spitball some options, see if we can beat it. 148 00:07:43,958 --> 00:07:45,875 There is no time, George. 149 00:07:45,958 --> 00:07:48,000 My death-shit is imminent. 150 00:07:48,083 --> 00:07:50,541 America, okay? Just remember... 151 00:07:50,625 --> 00:07:54,166 America. 152 00:07:58,250 --> 00:07:59,375 A... 153 00:07:59,458 --> 00:08:00,833 Nope. 154 00:08:00,916 --> 00:08:03,000 A... 155 00:08:03,083 --> 00:08:04,291 Okay, hold it. 156 00:08:04,375 --> 00:08:06,958 Abe! 157 00:08:07,916 --> 00:08:09,083 Stand ready. 158 00:08:09,166 --> 00:08:12,791 A vengeful Washington will be here in three, two... 159 00:08:14,000 --> 00:08:15,375 Hey, dickhole! 160 00:08:15,458 --> 00:08:17,208 It's time to... Oh, fuck me. 161 00:08:17,291 --> 00:08:19,375 Yes. Fuck you, indeed. 162 00:08:23,375 --> 00:08:24,250 Subdue him. 163 00:08:24,333 --> 00:08:26,916 I wish to shame him with a cutting dialogue. 164 00:08:27,666 --> 00:08:29,541 Hello, guv. 165 00:08:31,541 --> 00:08:34,250 I know betrayal hurts, Georgie, 166 00:08:34,333 --> 00:08:39,583 and it can often rile in a man motivation he didn't even know he had. 167 00:08:39,666 --> 00:08:40,708 But face facts. 168 00:08:40,791 --> 00:08:43,541 With Abe and the rest of your revolutionaries gone, 169 00:08:43,625 --> 00:08:46,083 on account of me having killed them all just now, 170 00:08:46,166 --> 00:08:50,208 your tired, party-boy antics are bound to fail. 171 00:08:50,291 --> 00:08:52,666 You'll never be the leader Abe was. 172 00:08:53,750 --> 00:08:57,250 Because you lack Abe's brains, his heart, 173 00:08:57,333 --> 00:09:02,041 and, most importantly, his soul. 174 00:09:02,125 --> 00:09:05,416 Without him, the revolution is dead. 175 00:09:06,125 --> 00:09:09,083 Rah! 176 00:09:11,000 --> 00:09:12,083 Whoo! 177 00:09:12,166 --> 00:09:15,375 That cherry tree didn't chop its fucking self down! 178 00:09:15,458 --> 00:09:16,458 Let's go! 179 00:09:21,125 --> 00:09:24,500 Ah, are you a miniboss, or what? Do something! 180 00:09:47,208 --> 00:09:48,500 Jesus Christ! 181 00:09:48,583 --> 00:09:50,750 Transporter, go! 182 00:09:50,833 --> 00:09:52,458 Let's get you transported. 183 00:10:00,708 --> 00:10:04,333 I can't believe we ever let you into the Three Fuckateers! 184 00:10:04,416 --> 00:10:07,125 I'm changing our Netflix password! 185 00:10:07,208 --> 00:10:08,625 Transporter, the bridge! 186 00:10:16,583 --> 00:10:19,125 Ah! 187 00:10:19,791 --> 00:10:21,208 Fuckin' bridges. 188 00:10:21,291 --> 00:10:22,666 Ah, Christ. 189 00:10:23,750 --> 00:10:24,750 What now? 190 00:10:25,333 --> 00:10:28,750 Oh, Georgie, I almost forgot. 191 00:10:28,833 --> 00:10:30,625 I have something from your king. 192 00:10:31,208 --> 00:10:33,625 This is for you. 193 00:10:39,125 --> 00:10:40,916 "This is for you." 194 00:10:41,000 --> 00:10:42,333 I'm so clever! 195 00:10:45,125 --> 00:10:46,291 No. 196 00:10:47,083 --> 00:10:49,250 This is for... 197 00:10:50,083 --> 00:10:53,750 America! 198 00:10:57,916 --> 00:11:00,541 Shut the fuck up! 199 00:11:00,625 --> 00:11:03,458 Yep. 200 00:11:03,541 --> 00:11:04,541 All right. 201 00:11:16,458 --> 00:11:18,000 ♪ Close your eyes ♪ 202 00:11:19,250 --> 00:11:22,750 ♪ Give me your hand, darling ♪ 203 00:11:23,333 --> 00:11:26,583 ♪ Do you feel my heart beating? ♪ 204 00:11:27,250 --> 00:11:29,833 ♪ Do you understand? ♪ 205 00:11:29,916 --> 00:11:33,250 ♪ Do you feel the same? ♪ 206 00:11:34,083 --> 00:11:38,708 ♪ Am I only dreaming? ♪ 207 00:11:39,458 --> 00:11:42,333 ♪ Is this burnin' ♪ 208 00:11:43,958 --> 00:11:46,958 ♪ An eternal flame? ♪ 209 00:11:57,000 --> 00:11:58,000 He sewed it by hand 210 00:11:58,041 --> 00:12:00,875 when Trishelle came down with dengue fever last May Day. 211 00:12:00,958 --> 00:12:03,791 He laid it upon her and she healed. 212 00:12:03,875 --> 00:12:05,708 And now, she lays it upon him, 213 00:12:06,291 --> 00:12:07,791 but he will never heal. 214 00:12:08,500 --> 00:12:09,500 John 3:16. 215 00:12:12,333 --> 00:12:14,916 A gift from Mozart himself. 216 00:12:16,666 --> 00:12:21,666 Silenced now, like its owner, forever. 217 00:12:25,958 --> 00:12:28,333 You're, uh... Martha Dandridge. 218 00:12:28,416 --> 00:12:30,125 You were there that night, on stage. 219 00:12:30,208 --> 00:12:33,916 And you are George Washington, inventor of peanut butter. 220 00:12:34,000 --> 00:12:35,000 The same. 221 00:12:35,083 --> 00:12:37,291 Abraham Lincoln's best friend. 222 00:12:37,375 --> 00:12:38,250 Forever. 223 00:12:38,333 --> 00:12:40,833 You've suffered a tremendous loss. 224 00:12:41,541 --> 00:12:43,583 You should not be alone tonight. 225 00:12:43,666 --> 00:12:44,666 - Oh! - Ahh! 226 00:12:44,750 --> 00:12:46,500 - Yes! Yes! - Ah! 227 00:12:53,583 --> 00:12:56,666 - Uh... - What is it? You can tell me, Martha. 228 00:12:56,750 --> 00:12:59,041 - You can tell me anything. - Well... 229 00:13:00,125 --> 00:13:02,333 - I'm pregnant. - What? Just now? 230 00:13:02,416 --> 00:13:03,625 - Yeah. - You're sure? 231 00:13:03,708 --> 00:13:05,958 A woman knows. 232 00:13:06,041 --> 00:13:07,833 A miracle has befallen us! 233 00:13:07,916 --> 00:13:10,083 - Has it? - It has! Yes. 234 00:13:10,166 --> 00:13:11,666 Oh, but has it? 235 00:13:11,750 --> 00:13:13,041 All I've ever wanted, Martha, 236 00:13:13,125 --> 00:13:15,708 was the one thing I never had, a loving family. 237 00:13:15,791 --> 00:13:17,583 - Gross, you were an orphan? - What? 238 00:13:17,666 --> 00:13:19,750 - Of course not! God, no. Ew. - Ugh! Phew! 239 00:13:19,833 --> 00:13:22,375 No, but look, my father was a real man's man, 240 00:13:22,458 --> 00:13:24,291 which is to say, like all men's men, 241 00:13:24,375 --> 00:13:27,625 he disrespected my mother and punished me for his insecurities. 242 00:13:27,708 --> 00:13:31,708 And see, this will be a great opportunity to break that cycle, if you will. 243 00:13:32,250 --> 00:13:35,375 You know, there can be no spring without winter. John 3:16. 244 00:13:35,458 --> 00:13:37,166 That's beautiful, George. 245 00:13:37,250 --> 00:13:38,250 Oh, hey, what's this? 246 00:13:38,333 --> 00:13:40,125 Oh. 247 00:13:40,208 --> 00:13:43,833 Just a box of misty water-colored memories. 248 00:13:43,916 --> 00:13:47,208 Oh, look, the day we first met. 249 00:13:47,291 --> 00:13:49,375 I was hiding from my father in the woods, 250 00:13:49,458 --> 00:13:51,791 and he had been drinking and listening to Kid Rock again. 251 00:13:51,875 --> 00:13:54,916 And then, I encountered a boy, no older than me, 252 00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:58,375 and he smelled of possums and night soil. 253 00:13:58,458 --> 00:14:02,250 We couldn't have been any more different. And yet, he opened up his arms to me 254 00:14:02,333 --> 00:14:04,333 and he took me up into his tree home. 255 00:14:04,416 --> 00:14:07,708 It was the first time that I understood what family was. 256 00:14:07,791 --> 00:14:10,166 Aw... #Blessed. 257 00:14:10,250 --> 00:14:13,000 This is his seventh birthday. 258 00:14:13,083 --> 00:14:16,125 I had to get him a hat to cover that hideous, malformed head of his. 259 00:14:16,208 --> 00:14:19,166 Who could have known that it would come to be his trademark? 260 00:14:19,250 --> 00:14:21,250 Oh, prom! Wow! 261 00:14:21,333 --> 00:14:23,375 We lost our virginities that night. 262 00:14:24,000 --> 00:14:25,375 - Together. - Oh, I get it. 263 00:14:25,458 --> 00:14:26,458 I've been to Paris. 264 00:14:26,541 --> 00:14:28,500 Oh, man, we had so many plans. 265 00:14:28,583 --> 00:14:31,333 Oh, Sky Camp! Junior Templar Scouts. 266 00:14:31,416 --> 00:14:33,791 Our semi-pro rolling-circle-with-a-stick team. 267 00:14:34,375 --> 00:14:35,833 What is this even... 268 00:14:35,916 --> 00:14:36,916 Oh! 269 00:14:37,000 --> 00:14:37,875 Oh! 270 00:14:37,958 --> 00:14:41,208 - The famed "Lincoln Log!" - Yes! 271 00:14:41,291 --> 00:14:43,416 Abe, you rapscallion. 272 00:14:43,500 --> 00:14:45,875 Oh. 273 00:14:45,958 --> 00:14:47,333 You rapscallion. 274 00:14:47,416 --> 00:14:48,416 Oh... 275 00:14:49,625 --> 00:14:50,875 George. 276 00:14:50,958 --> 00:14:53,166 - Oh, George. George! - What? 277 00:14:53,250 --> 00:14:54,916 - What? - You know what you must do. 278 00:14:55,000 --> 00:14:58,166 Have a bunch more sex with you until I start feeling better? 279 00:14:58,250 --> 00:15:01,333 - That'll work in the short term. - Okay, that's a great idea. 280 00:15:01,416 --> 00:15:04,166 No, no... No! George. 281 00:15:04,250 --> 00:15:06,125 You must avenge Abe. 282 00:15:06,208 --> 00:15:07,958 See his dream through. 283 00:15:08,041 --> 00:15:11,041 I can't! King James is more powerful than ever. 284 00:15:11,125 --> 00:15:14,250 - I can't fight him alone. - No, you need partners. 285 00:15:14,333 --> 00:15:15,583 - Partners? - Yes! 286 00:15:15,666 --> 00:15:17,750 - Partners in the revolution? - Yes! 287 00:15:17,833 --> 00:15:20,000 Partners whose spirit, like mine, 288 00:15:20,083 --> 00:15:22,625 outweigh their sense of self-preservation and sanity, even? 289 00:15:22,708 --> 00:15:25,791 Yes! You know, Samuel Adams plays in my adult kickball league. 290 00:15:25,875 --> 00:15:28,083 - I totally know him. - Hold the phone! 291 00:15:28,166 --> 00:15:30,375 Samuel Adems is the race car driver. You know him? 292 00:15:30,458 --> 00:15:32,791 What's a phone? And no, no, no, no. 293 00:15:32,875 --> 00:15:35,208 That's Samuel Adems, with an "E." 294 00:15:35,291 --> 00:15:37,666 This is Samuel Adams, with an "A." 295 00:15:37,750 --> 00:15:39,250 The rabble rouser. 296 00:15:47,625 --> 00:15:50,125 Chug! Chug! Chug! 297 00:15:58,583 --> 00:16:01,166 Chug! Chug! Chug! 298 00:16:02,458 --> 00:16:04,791 Whoo! 299 00:16:04,875 --> 00:16:09,291 Sammy Addy from way downtown! 300 00:16:10,208 --> 00:16:11,208 Fuck, yeah! 301 00:16:21,583 --> 00:16:23,875 Boffo fireworks, Mr. Adams. 302 00:16:23,958 --> 00:16:27,625 Very, very boffo. I'm George Washington. 303 00:16:28,208 --> 00:16:30,458 George Washington, the dinosaur rancher? 304 00:16:30,541 --> 00:16:33,000 Ah, no, no, that's George Washingten, with an "E." 305 00:16:33,083 --> 00:16:37,375 I'm George Washington, with an "O," the future king of America. 306 00:16:37,458 --> 00:16:40,833 America? What the fuck is America, bro? 307 00:16:40,916 --> 00:16:42,333 Yeah, what is it? 308 00:16:42,416 --> 00:16:43,458 Fucking tell us! 309 00:16:43,541 --> 00:16:46,875 Today, but the final whispered word of a dying man. 310 00:16:46,958 --> 00:16:51,458 But a year from now, with your help, the most powerful country in the world. 311 00:16:51,541 --> 00:16:54,125 A country free of British rule. 312 00:16:54,208 --> 00:16:57,416 Oh, fuck, man! I hate the British. 313 00:16:57,500 --> 00:17:00,916 They're always breaking up our peaceable free assemblies. 314 00:17:02,333 --> 00:17:04,791 Bro! Bro! Bro! 315 00:17:04,875 --> 00:17:05,708 Our parties. 316 00:17:05,791 --> 00:17:08,625 I call them "the fun police." 317 00:17:08,708 --> 00:17:10,791 - Who would do that? - "The fun police." 318 00:17:10,875 --> 00:17:12,666 That is exactly what Abe used to call them! 319 00:17:12,750 --> 00:17:15,500 They hassle us because we like to blow shit up 320 00:17:15,583 --> 00:17:20,000 and get into fights with anybody who looks different than us. 321 00:17:20,083 --> 00:17:21,000 Yeah! 322 00:17:21,083 --> 00:17:23,625 - Yeah, we're being oppressed! - Well, I mean... 323 00:17:23,708 --> 00:17:28,333 Hell, we'd still be partying right now if they hadn't shut us down last night. 324 00:17:28,416 --> 00:17:29,916 It's 'cause of my beer. 325 00:17:30,000 --> 00:17:32,708 - The British, they just can't handle it. - Yeah. 326 00:17:32,791 --> 00:17:35,208 - Beer? - Beer! 327 00:17:37,666 --> 00:17:39,833 It's made from rotten grass. Try this shit. 328 00:17:39,916 --> 00:17:41,791 You're gonna love it. 329 00:17:41,875 --> 00:17:44,416 You don't even have to put cow dick milk in it. 330 00:17:44,500 --> 00:17:47,250 - Cow dick milk. Right. - This guy gets it. 331 00:17:53,125 --> 00:17:55,291 E Pluribus Unum, that's good! 332 00:17:55,375 --> 00:17:58,041 Right? Brits know, when this shit hits the market, 333 00:17:58,125 --> 00:18:01,208 their whole tea economy's gonna fucking implode. 334 00:18:01,291 --> 00:18:04,416 They're shitting in their pantaloons and it's diarrhea. 335 00:18:04,500 --> 00:18:06,708 So, we share an enemy. A cause. 336 00:18:06,791 --> 00:18:10,541 And I can see plainly that you share my testicular fortitude. 337 00:18:10,625 --> 00:18:12,875 I'll be honest with you, dude. I eat whatever I want. 338 00:18:12,958 --> 00:18:17,083 I never work out. I'm basically jacked from fucking. 339 00:18:17,166 --> 00:18:20,000 No shit! Your arms are bigger than your fuckin' thighs. 340 00:18:20,083 --> 00:18:22,291 - Look at those things. - That is a birth defect. 341 00:18:22,375 --> 00:18:24,416 Look, I have to ask. Do you have any skills? 342 00:18:24,500 --> 00:18:26,583 Skills that would, maybe, help win a war? 343 00:18:27,958 --> 00:18:31,500 Whoo! Pow! Pow! Pow! Pow! Bingo! 344 00:18:34,375 --> 00:18:35,375 Whoo! 345 00:18:43,333 --> 00:18:46,500 Those the kind of skills you might be interested in, bruh? 346 00:18:46,583 --> 00:18:48,791 Indubitably, my friend. 347 00:18:48,875 --> 00:18:52,625 You pack quite the punch, Samuel Adams with an "A." 348 00:18:52,708 --> 00:18:54,375 You're damn right, I do. 349 00:18:54,458 --> 00:18:57,000 And I hope you got room for everybody. 350 00:18:57,083 --> 00:18:59,666 'Cause whatever I do, wherever I go, 351 00:18:59,750 --> 00:19:05,625 I do and go with every single one of my fraternity brothers. 352 00:19:05,708 --> 00:19:07,041 Where we at, boys? 353 00:19:07,125 --> 00:19:10,750 All right, pledges, circle up and grab some thumb lube. 354 00:19:10,833 --> 00:19:12,583 Yeah! 355 00:19:12,666 --> 00:19:14,333 Thumbs up their ass! 356 00:19:14,416 --> 00:19:15,750 You know what? You know what? 357 00:19:15,833 --> 00:19:18,166 It's just occurring to me now, it is hell week. 358 00:19:18,250 --> 00:19:20,166 These guys are gonna be so busy. 359 00:19:20,250 --> 00:19:22,208 - Uh, okay. - And covered in cum. 360 00:19:22,291 --> 00:19:23,125 I'm sorry, what? 361 00:19:23,208 --> 00:19:26,083 I'm gonna tell them to catch up later. Where to? What's the plan? 362 00:19:26,166 --> 00:19:28,208 Well, our team is not yet complete. 363 00:19:28,291 --> 00:19:30,750 To travel this great country, we're gonna need a horseman. 364 00:19:30,833 --> 00:19:32,208 The best in the colonies. 365 00:19:32,291 --> 00:19:34,000 But where to find such a man? 366 00:19:34,875 --> 00:19:37,583 Oh, I know a place. 367 00:20:15,666 --> 00:20:19,041 So, I don't know, how do we even know which one's the best horseman? 368 00:20:19,125 --> 00:20:20,791 Oh, you'll know, bro. 369 00:20:20,875 --> 00:20:24,916 These guys live their lives one quarter mule at a time. 370 00:21:06,625 --> 00:21:08,750 Who is that? 371 00:21:08,833 --> 00:21:11,166 Paul Revere! 372 00:21:11,250 --> 00:21:13,750 Sorry about the horse, Paul. 373 00:21:13,833 --> 00:21:15,666 Mr. Revere? Sir? 374 00:21:15,750 --> 00:21:18,833 Sir Revere, your country needs you. 375 00:21:20,583 --> 00:21:21,875 Hi! I won the race! 376 00:21:21,958 --> 00:21:23,666 Did you see me? I'm good at horses. 377 00:21:23,750 --> 00:21:26,125 Who are you guys? Will you be my new human friends? 378 00:21:26,208 --> 00:21:28,083 I mean, new just friends, 379 00:21:28,166 --> 00:21:30,208 because I have tons of human friends already, 380 00:21:30,291 --> 00:21:32,208 and not just horse friends. 381 00:21:32,291 --> 00:21:34,625 Ooh, I see what I did here. Now, this is my bad. 382 00:21:34,708 --> 00:21:37,875 Cheese it! It's the fun police! 383 00:21:39,083 --> 00:21:41,166 Go, man! Redcoat! 384 00:21:41,250 --> 00:21:44,208 Go! Let's get outta here! Come on, come on! 385 00:21:48,625 --> 00:21:51,041 Ah, the British are such a drag. 386 00:21:51,125 --> 00:21:53,500 They're like the world's shittiest stepdad. 387 00:21:54,666 --> 00:21:57,666 That's what my dad sounds like. If I was raised by horses. 388 00:21:57,750 --> 00:21:59,208 But I definitely wasn't. 389 00:21:59,291 --> 00:22:01,875 I have a human dad, just like you guys. 390 00:22:01,958 --> 00:22:03,041 Yeah, great. 391 00:22:03,125 --> 00:22:05,333 And that's why we're best friends, right? 392 00:22:05,416 --> 00:22:06,708 Yeah. Sure, bud. 393 00:22:06,791 --> 00:22:09,291 Listen, if we're gonna have any shot at this at all, 394 00:22:09,375 --> 00:22:12,458 we need more pledges. I'm talking real heavy hitters. 395 00:22:12,541 --> 00:22:13,416 Oh, you know what? 396 00:22:13,500 --> 00:22:16,291 I heard they got a sorcerer in the square, lighting it up tonight. 397 00:22:17,291 --> 00:22:18,541 Wanted in all... 398 00:22:18,625 --> 00:22:21,208 Oh, "lighting it up." Okay. 399 00:22:21,291 --> 00:22:26,291 Having committed heresy in the eyes of our Lord and Savior, King James, 400 00:22:26,375 --> 00:22:29,916 the condemned is found guilty of the crimes of... 401 00:22:30,000 --> 00:22:33,666 creating a hypothesis, testing that hypothesis, 402 00:22:33,750 --> 00:22:37,250 and drawing conclusions that refine that hypothesis. 403 00:22:37,333 --> 00:22:42,208 Thomas Edison, for these crimes of practicing science-craft, 404 00:22:42,291 --> 00:22:47,000 you are hereby sentenced to death by fire. 405 00:22:53,708 --> 00:22:56,500 Well, shit. What are we gonna do now? 406 00:22:56,583 --> 00:22:57,625 Uh... oh! 407 00:22:57,708 --> 00:23:00,750 How do you feel about endurance magicians? 408 00:23:01,958 --> 00:23:03,041 Oh, my God! 409 00:23:03,125 --> 00:23:05,583 The demon is resistant to fire... Oh! 410 00:23:20,291 --> 00:23:22,333 Wow! This guy, am I right? 411 00:23:22,416 --> 00:23:24,875 - I vote we never piss him off. - Agreed. 412 00:23:24,958 --> 00:23:25,958 Vote passed. 413 00:23:26,041 --> 00:23:27,916 Fuckin' democracy! 414 00:23:28,000 --> 00:23:29,000 We're doin' it! 415 00:23:30,833 --> 00:23:33,166 Thomas Edison, you are said to be 416 00:23:33,250 --> 00:23:35,875 the preeminent sorcerer in all the colonies, 417 00:23:35,958 --> 00:23:38,166 eons ahead of all your contemporaries. 418 00:23:38,250 --> 00:23:40,333 We seek to recruit you for a mission. 419 00:23:40,416 --> 00:23:43,291 We literally cannot succeed without you! 420 00:23:43,375 --> 00:23:44,416 What the... 421 00:23:44,500 --> 00:23:46,833 Oh, I'm sorry. Were you expecting someone else? 422 00:23:46,916 --> 00:23:49,958 Oh, shit. Oh, shit. It's a chick. It's a chick! 423 00:23:50,041 --> 00:23:52,958 I'm sorry. There's been a bit of a mix-up, I think? 424 00:23:53,041 --> 00:23:54,416 Yeah, no such luck, dorks. 425 00:23:54,500 --> 00:23:56,833 You're looking for Thomas Edison, ya got her. 426 00:23:56,916 --> 00:23:58,750 But Thomas is a man's name. 427 00:23:58,833 --> 00:24:02,333 I mean, my name is Thomas, so... 428 00:24:02,416 --> 00:24:05,750 Impossible! I have to say the obvious. 429 00:24:05,833 --> 00:24:08,750 - What is wrong with your skin? - What's wrong with my skin? 430 00:24:08,833 --> 00:24:10,291 What is wrong... I'm sorry. 431 00:24:10,375 --> 00:24:13,708 What is wrong with your skin? 432 00:24:13,791 --> 00:24:15,875 Whoa! Bro, take it easy. 433 00:24:15,958 --> 00:24:17,416 Don't worry, I can handle this. 434 00:24:17,500 --> 00:24:21,458 There is nothing wrong with my skin. I'm Chinese. 435 00:24:21,541 --> 00:24:23,125 - Huh? - I'm from China. 436 00:24:23,208 --> 00:24:24,958 - Huh? - I'm an immigrant. 437 00:24:25,041 --> 00:24:27,416 I came here from another country. Like you. 438 00:24:27,500 --> 00:24:29,791 Oh, no! No, no, no. 439 00:24:29,875 --> 00:24:31,958 My people have always been here. 440 00:24:32,041 --> 00:24:35,000 That's why we make the rules, baby! 441 00:24:35,083 --> 00:24:36,833 Except you don't, dumbass. 442 00:24:36,916 --> 00:24:38,666 Ooh, you got burned! 443 00:24:38,750 --> 00:24:40,416 Isn't that why you've come to me? 444 00:24:40,500 --> 00:24:42,333 Because you need help toppling the British? 445 00:24:42,416 --> 00:24:45,583 Yes! Exactly! That is... Wait, how did you know that? 446 00:24:45,666 --> 00:24:48,458 Word travels fast in these parts, George Washington with an "O." 447 00:24:48,541 --> 00:24:50,833 I... I don't know. Now that I'm thinking about it, 448 00:24:50,916 --> 00:24:54,125 sorcerers are so 1775, am I right? 449 00:24:54,208 --> 00:24:56,291 Cool, because I'm not a sorcerer. 450 00:24:56,375 --> 00:24:57,791 I'm a scientist. 451 00:25:00,416 --> 00:25:02,583 There's no such thing as science. 452 00:25:02,666 --> 00:25:05,875 Oh, my God, did you guys hear that? 453 00:25:05,958 --> 00:25:08,333 - Really? No such thing as science, huh? - Yeah. 454 00:25:08,416 --> 00:25:09,791 Then what do you call this? 455 00:25:09,875 --> 00:25:12,000 Science! 456 00:25:12,666 --> 00:25:14,041 Oh! Wow! 457 00:25:14,125 --> 00:25:16,958 - Yay! - Yeah, I call them conduction gloves. 458 00:25:17,041 --> 00:25:20,208 The science is simple, really. They harness the subatomic... 459 00:25:20,291 --> 00:25:23,250 Oh, wait, no, don't tell us, dude. That's gonna ruin the trick. 460 00:25:23,333 --> 00:25:25,041 Yeah, it's more fun not to know! 461 00:25:25,125 --> 00:25:27,750 Okay, guys, let's put our heads together here on this one. 462 00:25:27,833 --> 00:25:30,208 There's gotta be another Thomas Edison, right? 463 00:25:30,291 --> 00:25:31,708 Like a man Thomas Edison. 464 00:25:31,791 --> 00:25:34,375 Oh, yeah, there is. There's Thomas Edisen with an "E," 465 00:25:34,458 --> 00:25:36,000 the professional wrestler. 466 00:25:36,083 --> 00:25:37,666 Ah, that's him. Let's go get him. 467 00:25:37,750 --> 00:25:40,125 He's cool. Big dude. Wears spandex, if you're into that. 468 00:25:40,208 --> 00:25:43,625 But he can't help you defeat an entire army. I can. 469 00:25:43,708 --> 00:25:45,625 You would stand with us against the British? 470 00:25:45,708 --> 00:25:48,833 Bet your ass. Those guys suck. 471 00:25:48,916 --> 00:25:50,416 I'm just doing science. 472 00:25:50,500 --> 00:25:53,125 And because they don't understand it, they want to kill me? 473 00:25:53,208 --> 00:25:54,708 Man, fuck those dicks. 474 00:25:54,791 --> 00:25:57,000 Science is supposed to be fun and they're ruining it. 475 00:25:57,083 --> 00:25:59,458 Yeah, right? We even call 'em the fun police. 476 00:25:59,541 --> 00:26:02,041 Oh, man, that's good. Can I use that? 477 00:26:02,125 --> 00:26:03,291 Uh, no. 478 00:26:03,375 --> 00:26:05,166 Problem. No problem. 479 00:26:05,250 --> 00:26:07,625 So, Edison, you're obviously a great thinker. 480 00:26:07,708 --> 00:26:08,908 What would you have us do now? 481 00:26:08,958 --> 00:26:11,125 James has got eyes and ears everywhere. 482 00:26:11,208 --> 00:26:12,875 If we're gonna blow up his spot, 483 00:26:12,958 --> 00:26:15,250 we need someone who knows this land better than James. 484 00:26:15,333 --> 00:26:16,416 Whoa, whoa, whoa. 485 00:26:16,500 --> 00:26:19,375 You can't possibly be suggesting... 486 00:26:19,916 --> 00:26:22,541 He was a tracker, best in the world, 487 00:26:22,625 --> 00:26:26,500 until he was sent to a British prison for a crime he didn't commit. 488 00:26:26,583 --> 00:26:28,541 Now, he prowls the badlands, 489 00:26:28,625 --> 00:26:31,250 tracking for those who can't track for themselves. 490 00:26:31,333 --> 00:26:33,708 If you have a problem and you can find him, 491 00:26:33,791 --> 00:26:36,416 maybe you can hire Geronimo. 492 00:27:04,250 --> 00:27:06,375 All right, what do you chuds want? 493 00:27:06,458 --> 00:27:08,125 Hey, you play lax, bro? 494 00:27:08,208 --> 00:27:09,500 Seth-chee. 495 00:27:09,583 --> 00:27:12,208 My people invented lacrosse, all right, bro? 496 00:27:12,291 --> 00:27:14,500 Sure, man. Sure. 497 00:27:14,583 --> 00:27:17,750 We come as friends, mighty Geronimo... 498 00:27:17,833 --> 00:27:19,458 Nay, nay, we come as brothers. 499 00:27:19,541 --> 00:27:22,958 Mmm, Just doesn't feel right. Feels like you're gonna try to fuck me. 500 00:27:23,041 --> 00:27:24,583 What? We wouldn't, never! 501 00:27:24,666 --> 00:27:27,625 Yeah, no, I think you might. 502 00:27:27,708 --> 00:27:31,000 Like, epically, all the way down to my descendants. 503 00:27:31,083 --> 00:27:33,083 I got a sixth sense for this shit. 504 00:27:33,166 --> 00:27:34,833 No, our word is strong, 505 00:27:34,916 --> 00:27:38,291 like your mighty Indian tribe, the, um... the... 506 00:27:38,875 --> 00:27:40,000 Ch... 507 00:27:40,083 --> 00:27:41,083 No. 508 00:27:41,166 --> 00:27:43,125 The Chicory? 509 00:27:43,208 --> 00:27:44,625 Kay yay. 510 00:27:44,708 --> 00:27:45,708 Squa... 511 00:27:45,750 --> 00:27:48,541 Sha... Sass... Sasquatch! Sasquatch. 512 00:27:48,625 --> 00:27:50,333 - Gotta be Sasquatch. There we go. - Yes. 513 00:27:50,416 --> 00:27:53,750 Our word is strong, like your mighty tribe, the Sasquatch. 514 00:27:53,833 --> 00:27:56,458 Fine. What do you want? 515 00:27:56,541 --> 00:27:59,000 - We seek to topple the British. - I'm in. 516 00:27:59,083 --> 00:28:00,958 - Now, hear us out... - Again, I'm in. 517 00:28:01,041 --> 00:28:03,666 - Not sure how much you know about them. - Uh, quite a bit. 518 00:28:03,750 --> 00:28:06,416 They are really, really shitty buzzkills. 519 00:28:06,500 --> 00:28:08,958 - Really? - Yeah, we call them, get this, here... 520 00:28:09,041 --> 00:28:11,416 - Ready? The fun police. - "The fun police"? 521 00:28:11,500 --> 00:28:13,750 Yeah. They all have all these rules. 522 00:28:13,833 --> 00:28:16,416 No one's allowed to have a single independent thought, 523 00:28:16,500 --> 00:28:18,541 and they're always taxing the shit out of everybody! 524 00:28:18,625 --> 00:28:20,208 Yeah, that sounds rough. 525 00:28:20,291 --> 00:28:22,583 My issue is just that they took my land, 526 00:28:22,666 --> 00:28:24,500 poisoned my people to the brink of extinction, 527 00:28:24,583 --> 00:28:26,583 and murdered everyone I've ever cared for. 528 00:28:26,666 --> 00:28:28,750 So... real buzzkill. 529 00:28:28,833 --> 00:28:31,833 That is classic fun police. Those guys have no chill. 530 00:28:31,916 --> 00:28:33,083 - Right? - Chief Geronimo... 531 00:28:33,166 --> 00:28:34,875 - Just Geronimo is fine. - Just Geronimo... 532 00:28:34,958 --> 00:28:35,791 Oh, God. 533 00:28:35,875 --> 00:28:38,083 We can't give you back your family. 534 00:28:38,166 --> 00:28:42,916 But join us and I promise you justice will finally be served. 535 00:28:43,000 --> 00:28:45,291 So, you're telling me that if I help you, 536 00:28:45,375 --> 00:28:47,375 when you win this land back from King James, 537 00:28:47,458 --> 00:28:49,125 you'll give it back to me and my family? 538 00:28:49,208 --> 00:28:51,333 - Absolutely. - Totally. 539 00:28:53,208 --> 00:28:55,750 - All of it? The whole enchilada? - Well, I mean... 540 00:28:55,833 --> 00:28:57,166 Yeah, you bet we will. 541 00:28:57,250 --> 00:28:59,583 Sam, man, can I get a quick sidebar with you? 542 00:28:59,666 --> 00:29:02,166 You know what? I'm probably just being paranoid. 543 00:29:02,250 --> 00:29:05,500 So, what's the plan now, and does it involve Doritos? 544 00:29:05,583 --> 00:29:06,875 Nope, better. 545 00:29:07,500 --> 00:29:08,583 A handkerchief. 546 00:29:34,125 --> 00:29:35,625 Greetings, Your Highness. 547 00:29:35,708 --> 00:29:38,541 May I be the first to welcome you to your New World? 548 00:29:38,625 --> 00:29:42,500 You may dispense with the pleasantries, Arnold. 549 00:29:42,583 --> 00:29:44,291 Such as they are. 550 00:29:44,375 --> 00:29:47,541 Yes, and this is, like, the nice part of town. 551 00:29:47,625 --> 00:29:51,125 Well, it smells like shit, which reminds me, 552 00:29:51,208 --> 00:29:53,541 I need to make room for second breakfast. 553 00:29:53,625 --> 00:29:56,833 I've had my fill of mushy peas and blood sausage. 554 00:29:56,916 --> 00:29:59,458 Yes, accommodations at the top of your obelisk 555 00:29:59,541 --> 00:30:01,000 are more well-suited, my king. 556 00:30:01,083 --> 00:30:05,833 Then, I can assume everything is proceeding as I have foreseen. 557 00:30:05,916 --> 00:30:07,875 Yes, your plan is proceeding. 558 00:30:07,958 --> 00:30:09,333 But we have had trouble 559 00:30:09,416 --> 00:30:12,166 with a certain colonist not falling in line. 560 00:30:12,250 --> 00:30:14,416 Well, has he read the rules? 561 00:30:15,125 --> 00:30:19,416 The rules should always be posted clearly in a public place 562 00:30:19,500 --> 00:30:21,875 where everyone can read them. 563 00:30:21,958 --> 00:30:24,500 Oh, can he... can he not read? 564 00:30:24,583 --> 00:30:27,583 Well, no, he has read them, Your Highness. 565 00:30:27,666 --> 00:30:30,666 However, he has chosen not to follow them. 566 00:30:30,750 --> 00:30:34,041 - But they are the rules! - I know! 567 00:30:34,125 --> 00:30:38,875 What is the point of being a ruler if people are not following your rules? 568 00:30:38,958 --> 00:30:41,083 This is, like, King Shit 101! 569 00:30:41,166 --> 00:30:43,041 I understand, my king. 570 00:30:43,125 --> 00:30:44,291 Not following the... 571 00:30:44,375 --> 00:30:47,625 Arnold, why, do you know what this is? 572 00:30:47,708 --> 00:30:50,666 - I do. - It's rebellion! 573 00:30:50,750 --> 00:30:51,750 By definition. 574 00:30:51,791 --> 00:30:55,500 We cannot allow anything to stop my plan, Arnold! 575 00:30:55,583 --> 00:30:58,250 Crush this illiterate rebel scum! 576 00:30:58,333 --> 00:31:00,416 It will be my pleasure. 577 00:31:01,125 --> 00:31:02,625 Excellent. 578 00:31:04,583 --> 00:31:07,416 Dudes, are we close yet? I'm getting hangry. 579 00:31:07,500 --> 00:31:08,583 I could definitely eat. 580 00:31:08,666 --> 00:31:11,375 Oh, I saw a Boston Wild Wings about a mile back. 581 00:31:11,458 --> 00:31:12,583 What's a mile? 582 00:31:12,666 --> 00:31:15,083 And I could totally crush some B-dubs right now. 583 00:31:15,166 --> 00:31:17,416 Hey, hey! Knock it off, guys. 584 00:31:17,500 --> 00:31:19,583 First, we start a revolution. 585 00:31:19,666 --> 00:31:21,750 Then we can have all the Boston Wild Wings 586 00:31:21,833 --> 00:31:23,041 that we've ever dreamed of, 587 00:31:23,125 --> 00:31:25,750 just like our forefathers prophesized, okay? 588 00:31:25,833 --> 00:31:27,791 Now, Geronimo, what do you got? 589 00:31:27,875 --> 00:31:30,708 Uh, tracking isn't an exact science. 590 00:31:30,791 --> 00:31:33,458 This is a handkerchief. What do you think I am? A dog? 591 00:31:33,541 --> 00:31:36,750 Okay, I know this is a trick question, 592 00:31:36,833 --> 00:31:40,083 so I'm gonna go with my immediate impulse. Yes. 593 00:31:40,166 --> 00:31:41,583 Fuck you, dude. 594 00:31:41,666 --> 00:31:43,750 - Yeah, he's in there. - Ello, guv'ner. 595 00:31:43,833 --> 00:31:46,208 - Ello, guv'ner. - Ello, guv! 596 00:31:46,291 --> 00:31:48,166 Ello, guv'ner. 597 00:31:48,250 --> 00:31:49,833 All right, that's a lot of men. 598 00:31:49,916 --> 00:31:52,166 And it's a sure bet that there's even more inside. 599 00:31:52,250 --> 00:31:54,916 Wait, are we seriously thinkin' about goin' in there? 600 00:31:55,000 --> 00:31:58,125 - Look at this place! It's a quagmire! - Guv'ner! 601 00:31:58,208 --> 00:32:00,958 Guys, we could be here for years and accomplish nothing. 602 00:32:01,041 --> 00:32:04,125 You're right. But we'd be accomplishing nothing... 603 00:32:04,750 --> 00:32:05,916 for America. 604 00:32:06,541 --> 00:32:08,458 Guys, I can't ask you to go in there with me. 605 00:32:08,541 --> 00:32:09,375 Phew! 606 00:32:09,458 --> 00:32:11,666 - Yeah, good, because no. - Great. Good luck. 607 00:32:11,750 --> 00:32:13,250 Whoa, whoa, wait, hold on. 608 00:32:13,333 --> 00:32:16,250 I thought I'd be all like, "No, don't. I can do it." 609 00:32:16,333 --> 00:32:19,708 And then you guys would be like, "No, I'll come, don't worry." 610 00:32:19,791 --> 00:32:23,291 I never know the right thing to say when I'm tryin' to lead. This sucks! 611 00:32:23,375 --> 00:32:27,708 So, yeah, I guess I am. I'm asking you to go in there with me. 612 00:32:29,500 --> 00:32:31,041 Will you please go in there with me? 613 00:32:31,625 --> 00:32:34,333 Huh, well, with a pep talk like that, how could I say no? 614 00:32:34,416 --> 00:32:37,875 Pfft, whatever. Let's just go kick some Redcoat ass! 615 00:32:37,958 --> 00:32:41,125 Wait, wait, wait! At least... Just let me do an entrance thing. 616 00:32:41,208 --> 00:32:43,250 Guv'ner? 617 00:32:43,333 --> 00:32:46,291 Ding dong! It's America, motherfucker! 618 00:32:46,375 --> 00:32:48,875 Oh, Georgie! Well, color me surprised. 619 00:32:48,958 --> 00:32:51,000 Oh, I'll color you fuckin' dead, Ben! 620 00:32:51,083 --> 00:32:52,875 Bravo! 621 00:32:52,958 --> 00:32:55,833 Did you practice that line in the car on your way here? 622 00:32:55,916 --> 00:32:57,250 What the fuck is a car? 623 00:32:57,333 --> 00:33:00,333 And, no, it was a rebuttal to something that you just said! 624 00:33:00,416 --> 00:33:02,056 How could I have thought of it in advance 625 00:33:02,125 --> 00:33:04,750 if you said it just now and I came up with the perfect rebuttal? 626 00:33:04,833 --> 00:33:06,416 Oh, pardon me. 627 00:33:06,500 --> 00:33:09,458 I forgot you aren't versed in the gentlemanly art of debate, 628 00:33:09,541 --> 00:33:11,250 like your best friend, Abe Lincoln. 629 00:33:11,333 --> 00:33:15,916 Oh, or should I say ex-best friend? 630 00:33:17,208 --> 00:33:18,875 - Because he's dead. - Damn, he's good. 631 00:33:18,958 --> 00:33:20,598 All right, fuck this. 632 00:33:22,875 --> 00:33:26,416 For Abe! 633 00:33:28,041 --> 00:33:30,833 Yippie-kay-yay, motherfu... Whoa! 634 00:33:30,916 --> 00:33:33,197 - Watch it, witch! - You watch it, dick! 635 00:33:36,291 --> 00:33:38,333 Yeah. Well, that could've gone better. 636 00:33:38,416 --> 00:33:41,291 Ya think? Edison almost got everybody killed! 637 00:33:41,375 --> 00:33:44,333 - Everybody almost got everybody killed! - Where's Arnold? 638 00:33:44,416 --> 00:33:47,500 And where's Geronimo? He smells like campfire. 639 00:33:52,541 --> 00:33:54,583 You carry an unusual scent for a man. 640 00:33:55,125 --> 00:33:57,083 Almost like you're not a man at all, but a... 641 00:33:59,458 --> 00:34:01,166 Stay and fight, you dick! 642 00:34:01,250 --> 00:34:03,166 Damn it! Oh, my God! Geronimo! 643 00:34:03,250 --> 00:34:04,541 That bastard bit me! 644 00:34:04,625 --> 00:34:06,916 It can't be. I thought they were just a myth. 645 00:34:07,000 --> 00:34:10,333 The Navajo have a name for their kind. Skinwalker. 646 00:34:10,416 --> 00:34:12,125 I won't live with this curse. 647 00:34:12,208 --> 00:34:14,041 - Hand me my ax. - Are you sure? 648 00:34:14,125 --> 00:34:15,666 Does my grandfather shit in the woods? 649 00:34:15,750 --> 00:34:18,375 Um, I... Does he? I didn't know him. 650 00:34:18,458 --> 00:34:20,125 It's what we call bears. 651 00:34:21,000 --> 00:34:23,000 We call bears "grandfather." 652 00:34:23,083 --> 00:34:25,125 Fuck it, just give me my ax! 653 00:34:31,500 --> 00:34:33,916 Whoa, whoa, Geronimo! What happened? Are you okay? 654 00:34:34,000 --> 00:34:35,333 Go! I'll take care of him. 655 00:34:35,416 --> 00:34:38,208 She's right, he's not important. Arnold's getting away! 656 00:34:39,625 --> 00:34:42,625 No! No. We never leave a man behind. 657 00:34:42,708 --> 00:34:45,500 Edison, dress that wound. Paul, call your horse. 658 00:34:45,583 --> 00:34:47,666 Hey, Clyde! 659 00:34:52,083 --> 00:34:54,375 - That way! - Run, Clyde, run! 660 00:35:47,541 --> 00:35:49,750 Whoa, whoa, whoa! 661 00:36:00,041 --> 00:36:03,166 Welcome to hell... acopter? 662 00:36:03,250 --> 00:36:06,291 I'm still working on it. I don't love it, but I don't hate it. 663 00:36:09,833 --> 00:36:13,541 - Paul, you were amazing. - Aw, thank you, human lady friend. 664 00:36:13,625 --> 00:36:16,875 And, Sam, your propensity for murder is extraordinary. 665 00:36:16,958 --> 00:36:20,375 Thank you. I took murder lessons from John Wick. 666 00:36:20,458 --> 00:36:22,458 - The candle maker? - Yeah! 667 00:36:22,541 --> 00:36:25,875 That dude is a fuckin' psycho! 668 00:36:25,958 --> 00:36:27,583 Yo, check it. The carriage stopped. 669 00:36:27,666 --> 00:36:29,416 But why would he stop here? 670 00:36:29,500 --> 00:36:30,833 The road to Delaware! 671 00:36:33,333 --> 00:36:35,583 Sea-Doo, bitches! 672 00:36:36,625 --> 00:36:39,416 Paul, can your sizable steed clear that river? 673 00:36:39,500 --> 00:36:42,208 Only one way to find out. 674 00:36:43,791 --> 00:36:45,416 In God I trust. 675 00:36:49,041 --> 00:36:51,416 Whoa! 676 00:36:51,500 --> 00:36:52,625 Oh, shit. 677 00:36:55,083 --> 00:36:57,833 He shorted it, Paul. Hey, Paul, he shorted it. 678 00:36:57,916 --> 00:37:01,083 Clyde! His natural buoyancy can support us all! 679 00:37:01,166 --> 00:37:03,083 Jesus Christ! 680 00:37:03,166 --> 00:37:06,041 Did you know that your horse could swim that fast? 681 00:37:06,125 --> 00:37:08,500 Oh, yeah, Clyde's a great swimmer. 682 00:37:08,583 --> 00:37:12,166 He's great at so many things. So proud! 683 00:37:15,958 --> 00:37:19,208 Thank you, Geronimo. Your hair looks even better wet. 684 00:37:19,291 --> 00:37:21,625 Y'all a bunch of idiots. 685 00:37:21,708 --> 00:37:24,166 This feels like the end... 686 00:37:24,250 --> 00:37:26,750 of the first act... of my life. 687 00:37:27,416 --> 00:37:28,791 All hope is lost. 688 00:37:29,500 --> 00:37:32,791 What do we even do now? Where do we go from here? 689 00:37:32,875 --> 00:37:35,041 Where we go isn't the question. 690 00:37:35,125 --> 00:37:37,208 The question is, 691 00:37:37,291 --> 00:37:40,500 do we bring an entree or a fucking dessert? 692 00:37:43,125 --> 00:37:47,000 Oh, guys, Gettysburg is impossibly vast. 693 00:37:47,083 --> 00:37:50,541 Finding this address is like finding a needle in a haystack. 694 00:37:50,625 --> 00:37:52,375 Yeah, Edison's right. Let's just give up. 695 00:37:52,458 --> 00:37:55,666 - That is not what I said. - What? Dudes, look, we tried. 696 00:37:55,750 --> 00:37:58,916 One thing. We literally tried one thing. 697 00:37:59,000 --> 00:38:00,958 Yeah, and it didn't work. 698 00:38:01,041 --> 00:38:03,041 We all got wet, Edison. God! 699 00:38:03,125 --> 00:38:04,666 Look, this isn't fun anymore. 700 00:38:04,750 --> 00:38:06,958 Uh, I can fix that. 701 00:38:07,041 --> 00:38:09,083 Let's get hammered! 702 00:38:09,166 --> 00:38:13,500 Then, fuck it, we hit the streets mob-rules style. 703 00:38:13,583 --> 00:38:16,458 Anyone we see who doesn't look like us, 704 00:38:16,541 --> 00:38:19,583 they see the bottom of our boots! 705 00:38:19,666 --> 00:38:20,916 Oh, my God. 706 00:38:21,000 --> 00:38:24,041 Okay, fine, no Indians this time. Ooh, geez. 707 00:38:24,125 --> 00:38:27,333 Oh, my God. I don't know how many times I have to tell you, Sam. 708 00:38:27,416 --> 00:38:30,500 - This is not India. - Also, you're a fucking racist. 709 00:38:30,583 --> 00:38:33,166 Uh, no, Paul's the racist. 710 00:38:33,250 --> 00:38:35,416 He's the best horse racist in the colonies. 711 00:38:35,500 --> 00:38:37,333 Yeah, I'm a great racist. 712 00:38:37,416 --> 00:38:38,791 Holy shit. 713 00:38:40,750 --> 00:38:44,333 A... A... A... A... A... 714 00:38:44,416 --> 00:38:47,291 Who wants pizza rolls and purple stuff? 715 00:38:47,375 --> 00:38:51,000 - Oh, wow, Chief Geronimo! - Just Geronimo is fine. 716 00:38:51,083 --> 00:38:53,500 - You're the famous renegade tracker. - Sure. 717 00:38:53,583 --> 00:38:57,166 And you're Thomas Edison, the world-renowned scientist! 718 00:38:57,250 --> 00:38:58,541 The same. 719 00:38:58,625 --> 00:39:01,250 Wow, George, the team is really shaping up nicely. 720 00:39:01,333 --> 00:39:04,208 Oh, no. No, we're not a team anymore, Martha. We quit. 721 00:39:04,291 --> 00:39:06,458 - What? - Besides, the revolution was Abe's thing. 722 00:39:06,541 --> 00:39:08,666 I tried to avenge him, but we blew it. 723 00:39:08,750 --> 00:39:11,208 Now, we're just gonna jam a bit and slam some beers. 724 00:39:11,291 --> 00:39:12,875 This is a basic blues riff, guys. 725 00:39:12,958 --> 00:39:16,208 Just watch me for the changes. All right, losers, let's party. 726 00:39:16,291 --> 00:39:20,333 No! George Bon Jovi Washington, you do not get to party. 727 00:39:20,416 --> 00:39:22,833 - What? - Would Abe want to party right now? 728 00:39:22,916 --> 00:39:24,375 Abe never wanted to party. 729 00:39:24,458 --> 00:39:28,583 Because he had goals, unrealized dreams. 730 00:39:28,666 --> 00:39:31,791 But you bet your ass once those dreams were realized, 731 00:39:31,875 --> 00:39:34,791 he would've snorted a line as long as the Magna Carta. 732 00:39:34,875 --> 00:39:37,375 Really? No. Abe? My Abe? 733 00:39:37,458 --> 00:39:39,208 Are you kidding? With that head? 734 00:39:39,291 --> 00:39:44,208 Dude was all sinus. He was made for the marching powder. 735 00:39:44,291 --> 00:39:45,500 Not how cocaine works. 736 00:39:45,583 --> 00:39:48,708 Now, those goals are your goals. 737 00:39:48,791 --> 00:39:52,666 Those unrealized dreams are your unrealized dreams. 738 00:39:52,750 --> 00:39:55,125 That's the promise that you made, right? 739 00:39:55,208 --> 00:39:57,541 So, achieve those goals. 740 00:39:57,625 --> 00:39:59,458 Realize those dreams. 741 00:39:59,541 --> 00:40:03,333 And then, you can party like a rich white man 742 00:40:03,416 --> 00:40:08,291 who will never face adversity for the rest of his glorious life! 743 00:40:08,958 --> 00:40:11,416 You're right. I have to earn it. 744 00:40:11,500 --> 00:40:13,625 That is what Abe would want, 745 00:40:13,708 --> 00:40:16,291 that insane coke-hound! 746 00:40:16,375 --> 00:40:18,041 Guys, I've thought about it. 747 00:40:18,125 --> 00:40:20,166 I'm willing to give it another shot if you are. 748 00:40:20,250 --> 00:40:21,541 - What do you say? - Sure, man. 749 00:40:21,625 --> 00:40:22,750 Um, you're the one who quit. 750 00:40:22,833 --> 00:40:26,458 If we can find Arnold, we can force the Gettysburg Address out of him. 751 00:40:26,541 --> 00:40:29,750 Oh, I'm sorry, did none of you notice my fucking arm? 752 00:40:29,833 --> 00:40:32,000 Benedict Arnold is a werewolf! 753 00:40:32,625 --> 00:40:34,416 In some cultures, known as a skinwalker. 754 00:40:34,500 --> 00:40:37,833 He ain't givin' up shit unless he thinks we're an actual threat to him. 755 00:40:37,916 --> 00:40:39,676 The only way to be an actual threat to him... 756 00:40:39,750 --> 00:40:42,041 Is if we have a silver bullet. 757 00:40:42,125 --> 00:40:44,333 - Exactly. - Wait, what are we doing again? 758 00:40:44,416 --> 00:40:47,125 A silver bullet? Who could ever even make such a thing? 759 00:40:47,208 --> 00:40:48,458 I know a blacksmith. 760 00:40:48,541 --> 00:40:51,458 He made this armor and I've never taken it off. 761 00:40:51,541 --> 00:40:54,291 Okay. Okay! We'll visit this blacksmith 762 00:40:54,375 --> 00:40:58,208 and he will discover the secret of the impossible weapon we require. 763 00:40:58,291 --> 00:41:00,083 Because our cause is just! 764 00:41:00,166 --> 00:41:01,416 It is righteous! 765 00:41:01,500 --> 00:41:03,916 It is His will! His and Abe's! 766 00:41:04,000 --> 00:41:05,583 - And the Earth Mother's. - Nope. 767 00:41:05,666 --> 00:41:07,625 - And Isaac Newton's. - Nope. Just God's. 768 00:41:07,708 --> 00:41:10,041 I hold these truths to be self-evident. 769 00:41:10,125 --> 00:41:12,208 All for one and one for all! 770 00:41:12,291 --> 00:41:14,500 We will find the Gettysburg Address. 771 00:41:14,583 --> 00:41:15,708 Huzzah! 772 00:41:15,791 --> 00:41:17,708 Huzzah! Nope, too late. 773 00:41:32,083 --> 00:41:35,041 Smittay! 774 00:41:37,083 --> 00:41:39,166 Damn! Fuck my life. 775 00:41:39,250 --> 00:41:40,708 We're friends. 776 00:41:43,875 --> 00:41:46,166 Do I even wanna know why you need a silver bullet? 777 00:41:46,250 --> 00:41:48,041 Best that you not know, Mr. Smith. 778 00:41:48,125 --> 00:41:49,666 Why do you keep calling me Mr. Smith? 779 00:41:49,750 --> 00:41:52,041 Well, Revere called you Black Smith. 780 00:41:52,125 --> 00:41:55,125 - Right, because I'm a blacksmith. - Right. A Black Smith. 781 00:41:55,208 --> 00:41:56,750 - A blacksmith. - Black Smith. 782 00:41:56,833 --> 00:41:58,750 I'm a smith who works with metal, 783 00:41:58,833 --> 00:42:02,833 which oxidizes during the heating process and turns black. 784 00:42:02,916 --> 00:42:05,500 - So, you're a Smith. - Exactly. 785 00:42:05,583 --> 00:42:07,083 Of the Baltimore Smiths? 786 00:42:07,166 --> 00:42:08,750 Just tell me what you need it for. 787 00:42:08,833 --> 00:42:11,500 It'll be used to free the colonies. Let's just leave it at that. 788 00:42:11,583 --> 00:42:14,250 Oh, you're talking about the Brits. 789 00:42:14,333 --> 00:42:17,416 Shit, why didn't you say so? I'm definitely down for that. 790 00:42:17,500 --> 00:42:19,208 - You are? - Fuck, yeah! 791 00:42:19,291 --> 00:42:20,833 I mean, don't get it twisted. 792 00:42:20,916 --> 00:42:23,291 I definitely do not trust you motherfuckers. 793 00:42:23,875 --> 00:42:25,125 You three, especially. 794 00:42:25,208 --> 00:42:27,375 But fuck, man, I hate the British. 795 00:42:27,458 --> 00:42:29,250 Why, what have the fun police done to you? 796 00:42:29,333 --> 00:42:31,416 Look around. I'm a small business owner. 797 00:42:31,500 --> 00:42:34,208 What's a small business owner's greatest enemy? 798 00:42:34,291 --> 00:42:36,041 - Large businesses? - Thin profit margins? 799 00:42:36,125 --> 00:42:38,708 - Rising lube costs? - White people stealing everything you own. 800 00:42:38,958 --> 00:42:40,666 - Having a squirrel for a friend? - No. 801 00:42:40,750 --> 00:42:42,458 - Staff turnover? - Tesla being a bitch? 802 00:42:42,541 --> 00:42:46,125 - Not getting drunk at lunch? - White people stealing everything you own. 803 00:42:46,208 --> 00:42:47,708 Constant instinct to second-guess 804 00:42:47,791 --> 00:42:50,250 having risked your savings on unproven business acumen? 805 00:42:50,333 --> 00:42:53,041 - No, it's taxes. - Taxes. Correct. 806 00:42:53,125 --> 00:42:56,791 Small business taxes. And what's the big knock against the British? 807 00:42:56,875 --> 00:42:59,125 - Something about taxation! - Exactly. 808 00:42:59,208 --> 00:43:01,875 You'll help us? You'll craft the silver bullet free of charge? 809 00:43:01,958 --> 00:43:04,250 What? Are you white motherfuckers crazy? 810 00:43:04,333 --> 00:43:07,000 I just told you I'm a small business owner. 811 00:43:07,083 --> 00:43:09,625 You think I'm gonna give you silver for free? 812 00:43:09,708 --> 00:43:11,291 Well, we don't have silver. 813 00:43:11,375 --> 00:43:13,333 The British seized it all when they got here... 814 00:43:13,416 --> 00:43:16,625 Spoons. Teaspoons. I remember. 815 00:43:16,708 --> 00:43:18,750 Why do you think that shit's so expensive? 816 00:43:18,833 --> 00:43:21,875 Okay. Well, how much do we need for, like, one bullet? 817 00:43:21,958 --> 00:43:24,333 - A metric shit-ton. - For one bullet? 818 00:43:24,416 --> 00:43:28,000 Oh, I'm sorry. Are you a fucking metallurgist like me? 819 00:43:28,083 --> 00:43:30,458 - That's, like, a thousand spoons! - Three thousand. 820 00:43:30,541 --> 00:43:32,500 It's a metric shit-ton. 821 00:43:32,583 --> 00:43:35,541 Where are we gonna get 3,000 spoons overnight, bro? 822 00:43:35,625 --> 00:43:36,458 Well... 823 00:43:39,250 --> 00:43:42,083 May I present, the year's biggest tea party. 824 00:43:42,166 --> 00:43:45,041 You need silver spoons, you need to get aboard that ship. 825 00:43:45,125 --> 00:43:47,458 Wait a minute. How did you know about this? 826 00:43:48,500 --> 00:43:50,916 What's up with these assholes and flyers? 827 00:43:51,000 --> 00:43:54,458 Well, it's a great way to communicate with a widespread audience, 828 00:43:54,541 --> 00:43:58,208 much like direct mail or the Pony Express, where my brother does not work. 829 00:43:58,291 --> 00:44:01,625 - All right. Shall we? - Wait, wait, wait. Wait! 830 00:44:04,166 --> 00:44:05,625 - We need a plan. - Why? 831 00:44:05,708 --> 00:44:08,583 Well, last time we didn't have one and things got shitty. 832 00:44:08,666 --> 00:44:10,333 - Huh? - Yeah, Geronimo lost his arm. 833 00:44:10,416 --> 00:44:13,916 - No, he lost like three-fifths of an arm. - Seriously? 834 00:44:14,000 --> 00:44:15,958 Oh, thoughts and prayers. 835 00:44:16,041 --> 00:44:19,250 Look, good leaders like Abe have a plan for everything. 836 00:44:19,333 --> 00:44:21,875 - All right, His Leadership, let's hear it. - Okay. 837 00:44:21,958 --> 00:44:24,583 So, Mr. Smith, you'll be the lookout. 838 00:44:24,666 --> 00:44:26,791 - Nope. - What? 839 00:44:26,875 --> 00:44:31,083 You want me, a Black dude, to sit here in the dark, alone, 840 00:44:31,166 --> 00:44:33,458 to play lookout for you while you break the law? 841 00:44:33,541 --> 00:44:37,500 Oh, hell no! I hate the British but I ain't lookin' to get killed. 842 00:44:37,583 --> 00:44:40,458 So, y'all are on your own to get that silver. 843 00:44:40,541 --> 00:44:42,875 But if you do get it, I'll make your little bullet. 844 00:44:42,958 --> 00:44:45,041 All right. Then... 845 00:44:45,125 --> 00:44:46,375 here's the plan. 846 00:44:46,458 --> 00:44:50,416 Geronimo, you'll be the lookout. Are you cool with being the lookout? 847 00:44:50,500 --> 00:44:52,958 I mean, if my choice is to be the lookout 848 00:44:53,041 --> 00:44:56,666 or have one of you looking out for me, yeah, I'll be the lookout. 849 00:44:56,750 --> 00:45:00,708 Great. Okay. Edison, you'll pose as the wife of an officer already on board. 850 00:45:00,791 --> 00:45:04,833 This is taking too long. Let's just dress as those guys. 851 00:45:04,916 --> 00:45:07,375 Ello, guv. 852 00:45:07,458 --> 00:45:09,833 Well, technically, that is a plan. 853 00:45:11,875 --> 00:45:14,000 Just technically, a very bad plan. 854 00:45:14,083 --> 00:45:18,916 Ha! I told you a jail would be a better use of space than lifeboats. 855 00:45:19,000 --> 00:45:21,208 Hey, at least we got on board, right, guys? 856 00:45:21,291 --> 00:45:24,250 I consider this mission accomplished. Ooh, we should get a banner. 857 00:45:24,333 --> 00:45:28,375 Ugh, shockingly, Sam's not wrong. We can still make this work. 858 00:45:28,458 --> 00:45:30,666 I've taken note of how often the guards go on rounds. 859 00:45:30,750 --> 00:45:32,666 - If we lay low for a few hours... - No! 860 00:45:32,750 --> 00:45:34,875 Enough with all of the planning! 861 00:45:34,958 --> 00:45:38,125 Did Magellan have a plan when he circumnavigated the globe? 862 00:45:38,208 --> 00:45:39,333 - No! - Yes. 863 00:45:39,416 --> 00:45:40,750 That took a lot of preparation. 864 00:45:40,833 --> 00:45:46,000 We'll set our course for freedom using only our wits as our guide. 865 00:45:46,083 --> 00:45:48,916 Mr. Revere, tear down that wall. 866 00:45:49,000 --> 00:45:50,458 Whee! 867 00:45:53,958 --> 00:45:55,333 What is this place? 868 00:45:55,416 --> 00:45:57,666 I don't know, but don't touch any... 869 00:45:57,750 --> 00:45:58,958 Ooh, oops. 870 00:46:10,750 --> 00:46:14,416 They're steeping the colonists in tea! 871 00:46:14,500 --> 00:46:18,041 Turning them British. James, you sick bastard! 872 00:46:18,125 --> 00:46:20,541 Look, as far as I can tell, this is a test run. 873 00:46:20,625 --> 00:46:23,375 James is up to something bigger than crushing the revolution. 874 00:46:23,458 --> 00:46:25,916 Maybe even... Oh, fuck! I don't even want to say it! 875 00:46:26,000 --> 00:46:27,750 - Just say it. - Something global. 876 00:46:28,791 --> 00:46:31,750 - That means... - There are global stakes now. 877 00:46:31,833 --> 00:46:34,416 Good God! Can you figure out what he's planning? 878 00:46:34,500 --> 00:46:37,291 Yeah, I think I can. If I can just hack the mainframe. 879 00:46:37,375 --> 00:46:40,125 Great. Guys, gather as many silver spoons as you can. 880 00:46:40,208 --> 00:46:44,291 In the meantime, I'll get these hardworking Americans out of these tubes! 881 00:46:44,375 --> 00:46:45,625 George! No! 882 00:46:46,541 --> 00:46:50,708 No! I had almost downloaded the plan. 883 00:46:50,791 --> 00:46:53,333 - Uh, guys, we gotta go. - Yep. 884 00:46:53,416 --> 00:46:56,000 Totally right. Grab spoons, guys. Quick, let's go. 885 00:47:09,958 --> 00:47:12,708 - Oh, no. - Oh, my God, the humanity. 886 00:47:12,791 --> 00:47:15,083 This is bad. This is so bad. 887 00:47:15,166 --> 00:47:16,916 Those poor boat people. 888 00:47:17,000 --> 00:47:20,708 Look, if anybody asks, the Titanic hit an iceberg. 889 00:47:20,791 --> 00:47:23,250 We were never here, baby. 890 00:47:28,750 --> 00:47:31,791 It's hopeless, Martha. At this rate, I'll never avenge Abe. 891 00:47:31,875 --> 00:47:33,708 And see his dream through, don't forget. 892 00:47:33,791 --> 00:47:36,458 - That's the whole second part. - I tried. 893 00:47:36,541 --> 00:47:40,375 I tried to be a leader like him, Martha. It's just not working. 894 00:47:40,458 --> 00:47:43,666 Oh, George. Abe was a great leader, but you can't copy him. 895 00:47:43,750 --> 00:47:46,458 You must find your own style of leadership. 896 00:47:46,541 --> 00:47:50,583 Maybe something with less planning. Something more free-spirited, like you. 897 00:47:50,666 --> 00:47:53,333 I know. I just wish I realized that before we... 898 00:47:53,416 --> 00:47:56,458 Before the Titanic hit that iceberg. 899 00:47:56,541 --> 00:47:58,333 Yes. What a tragedy. 900 00:47:58,416 --> 00:48:00,416 Right? Such a tragedy! 901 00:48:00,500 --> 00:48:05,333 It feels like, for every step forward, we just take two steps back. John 3:16. 902 00:48:05,416 --> 00:48:09,041 Then, let's focus on the positive, huh? What was tonight's step forward? 903 00:48:09,125 --> 00:48:10,875 I got these spoons. 904 00:48:10,958 --> 00:48:14,291 Oh, that's great, George. And are they, like, for something? 905 00:48:14,375 --> 00:48:17,875 Yeah, but they're still useless without the Gettysburg Address. 906 00:48:17,958 --> 00:48:21,041 The tirelessness with which you've pursued your quest 907 00:48:21,125 --> 00:48:23,000 has betrayed your confidence in it. 908 00:48:23,083 --> 00:48:25,333 Perhaps a quick HJ to help you sleep. 909 00:48:25,416 --> 00:48:27,583 Generous, but I need to earn it. 910 00:48:27,666 --> 00:48:29,250 Then, for now, rest, my love. 911 00:48:29,333 --> 00:48:32,083 Clear your head. It's always darkest before the dawn. 912 00:48:32,166 --> 00:48:35,083 - John 3:16? - I don't think so, champ. 913 00:48:35,958 --> 00:48:38,250 For now, rest, my love. Clear your head. 914 00:48:38,333 --> 00:48:40,250 It's always darkest before the dawn. 915 00:48:42,291 --> 00:48:43,750 Where am I? 916 00:48:43,833 --> 00:48:45,875 Don't worry, George. You're safe. 917 00:48:45,958 --> 00:48:49,708 Abe? Abe, is that you? I can't see. Everything's so bright. 918 00:48:49,791 --> 00:48:53,333 Oh, that's me. Sorry, I was trying to make this seem more impressive. 919 00:48:53,833 --> 00:48:56,708 It's great to see you, Abe. But what is this place? 920 00:48:56,791 --> 00:48:59,833 It's your dream world, George. 921 00:48:59,916 --> 00:49:00,958 Is it? 922 00:49:01,041 --> 00:49:04,583 Can I ask a question, real quick? Why is my dream world so shitty? 923 00:49:04,666 --> 00:49:07,041 Well, we ran out of money. 924 00:49:07,125 --> 00:49:08,666 - My dream ran out of money? - Sure. 925 00:49:08,750 --> 00:49:12,500 Yeah. Look, I've been told by the, you know, "dream producers," 926 00:49:12,583 --> 00:49:15,291 that we could use this money more effectively elsewhere. 927 00:49:15,375 --> 00:49:19,875 Like in an epic ending battle happening sometime in the next 30 minutes or so. 928 00:49:19,958 --> 00:49:21,583 Okay, well, what were you gonna do? 929 00:49:21,666 --> 00:49:23,708 Oh, I had this whole idea worked out. 930 00:49:23,791 --> 00:49:26,500 - You were gonna fight a dream-hydra. - Whoa, that's cool. 931 00:49:26,583 --> 00:49:29,875 I know. And it was made up of all of King James' rules. 932 00:49:29,958 --> 00:49:32,375 And for every rule you cut down, another appeared. 933 00:49:32,458 --> 00:49:33,708 - Rah! - Ooh! 934 00:49:33,791 --> 00:49:35,958 - That's a nice metaphor, dude! - Thanks, bro. 935 00:49:36,041 --> 00:49:37,958 And it was all about how the revolution 936 00:49:38,041 --> 00:49:40,958 is about more than just breaking the king's rules. 937 00:49:41,041 --> 00:49:43,000 It's also about your son. 938 00:49:43,083 --> 00:49:46,083 - What? I'm havin' a boy? - Yeah! 939 00:49:46,166 --> 00:49:49,208 Boom! Sex, bitch! Oh, shit! Yeah! 940 00:49:49,291 --> 00:49:51,083 Either way would be cool. Girls are cool. 941 00:49:51,166 --> 00:49:54,500 Yeah. Yeah, it's a son, though. He's the future. 942 00:49:54,583 --> 00:49:57,875 Him and all the sons and daughters of this great nation, 943 00:49:57,958 --> 00:50:01,041 no matter what they look like or where they come from. 944 00:50:01,125 --> 00:50:03,250 Be a leader for them, George. 945 00:50:03,333 --> 00:50:05,291 A leader for all people! 946 00:50:05,375 --> 00:50:07,666 I get it. I get it, Abe. 947 00:50:07,750 --> 00:50:09,416 But I would've got it a lot better 948 00:50:09,500 --> 00:50:11,666 if I was kicking an ass of a giant dream-hydra, 949 00:50:11,750 --> 00:50:13,666 but I'm just saying, I get it. I got it. 950 00:50:13,750 --> 00:50:15,458 Agreed. But don't worry, George. 951 00:50:15,541 --> 00:50:17,333 There's plenty of fighting left to do. 952 00:50:17,416 --> 00:50:18,750 Oh, and one more thing. 953 00:50:18,833 --> 00:50:21,125 What is it, old chum? You can tell me anything. 954 00:50:21,208 --> 00:50:24,166 When your wife offers you a hand job, you take it. 955 00:50:24,250 --> 00:50:25,750 - George! - Martha! 956 00:50:25,833 --> 00:50:28,333 - George! - Martha! 957 00:50:28,416 --> 00:50:31,000 Oh, don't worry about her, Georgie. 958 00:50:31,083 --> 00:50:35,583 She'll be quite not well taken care of, if you catch my drift. 959 00:50:35,666 --> 00:50:39,291 I don't. But you were on the Titanic. You should be dead. 960 00:50:39,375 --> 00:50:41,916 I mean, I heard you were on the Titanic. 961 00:50:42,000 --> 00:50:44,416 That's what I heard from someone who was there, 962 00:50:44,500 --> 00:50:47,666 while I was here... reading... this book. 963 00:50:47,750 --> 00:50:48,875 The Graps of Wreath. 964 00:50:48,958 --> 00:50:51,250 Yes, well, I'm an excellent swimmer, dickhead. 965 00:50:51,333 --> 00:50:53,000 You should've done your research. 966 00:50:53,083 --> 00:50:54,166 Thanks for the tip. 967 00:50:54,250 --> 00:50:56,333 When Edison invents the Internet next year, 968 00:50:56,416 --> 00:50:59,708 I'll make sure to edit your Wikipedia page myself. 969 00:50:59,791 --> 00:51:05,500 "Benedict Arnold, great swimmer and a total fucking asswipe." 970 00:51:05,583 --> 00:51:07,458 Well, I'll just change it back. 971 00:51:07,541 --> 00:51:10,083 No, you won't, because you'll be dead! 972 00:51:10,166 --> 00:51:12,000 Huh? 973 00:51:12,125 --> 00:51:13,041 What? 974 00:51:13,125 --> 00:51:15,458 Well, maybe after she invents the Internet, 975 00:51:15,541 --> 00:51:20,125 your friend Edison can invent chainsaws that don't require gasoline. 976 00:51:20,208 --> 00:51:25,458 You sucked the gas out of my arm chainsaws while I was sleeping? 977 00:51:25,541 --> 00:51:28,958 Jesus Christ, what kind of psychopath are you? 978 00:51:29,041 --> 00:51:31,375 The worst kind. 979 00:51:31,875 --> 00:51:33,208 Whatever you take that to mean. 980 00:51:33,291 --> 00:51:35,208 Take her to the Gettysburg Address. 981 00:51:35,291 --> 00:51:36,958 - George, no! - Martha! 982 00:51:37,041 --> 00:51:40,583 Oh, my, Georgie, I just realized we woke you up. 983 00:51:41,166 --> 00:51:44,458 Please allow us to recompense. 984 00:51:46,416 --> 00:51:49,458 Last night was bad news, human friends. 985 00:51:49,541 --> 00:51:53,750 Yeah, bad news for the fun police. Eat a dick, Titanic! 986 00:51:53,833 --> 00:51:56,875 Right! Yes! Cool, cool, cool. 987 00:51:56,958 --> 00:52:01,125 And I guess the entire harbor ecosystem can just eat a dick, too, right? 988 00:52:01,208 --> 00:52:04,583 I mean... Yes, 100%. 989 00:52:04,666 --> 00:52:08,958 Alarm! Alarm! Alarm! Alarm! Alarm! 990 00:52:09,041 --> 00:52:10,500 - Are you okay? - George! What is it? 991 00:52:10,583 --> 00:52:12,000 Arnold kidnapped Martha! 992 00:52:12,083 --> 00:52:14,083 - Oh, no! - It sucks when they steal your wife! 993 00:52:14,166 --> 00:52:15,250 And she's pregnant! 994 00:52:15,333 --> 00:52:17,333 - What? - Congratulations, that's a beautiful gift! 995 00:52:17,416 --> 00:52:19,791 Thanks! I'm sorry this is how I'm telling you, 996 00:52:19,875 --> 00:52:21,458 but we appreciate your support! 997 00:52:21,541 --> 00:52:23,458 We're already on waiting lists for preschool. 998 00:52:23,541 --> 00:52:26,875 Hey, man. Maybe you need to take some time for yourself. 999 00:52:26,958 --> 00:52:28,916 It's a lot, emotionally. I would know. 1000 00:52:29,000 --> 00:52:31,583 No, that's exactly what I don't need. 1001 00:52:31,666 --> 00:52:34,375 The old George would just party these woes away. 1002 00:52:34,458 --> 00:52:37,833 But not me. This just adds fuel to my fuckin' fire. 1003 00:52:37,916 --> 00:52:39,291 Hell yeah, man! 1004 00:52:39,375 --> 00:52:41,541 Ben said he's keeping her at the Gettysburg Address. 1005 00:52:41,625 --> 00:52:44,791 Which we still don't have. George, I'm sorry to say, 1006 00:52:44,875 --> 00:52:46,958 but we've tried everything to crack this code. 1007 00:52:47,041 --> 00:52:49,208 - Code... - I don't know what else we can do. 1008 00:52:50,208 --> 00:52:52,958 - Code... Oh! Holy shit! - What? 1009 00:52:53,041 --> 00:52:54,441 Not many people know this, 1010 00:52:54,500 --> 00:52:57,666 but Abe wasn't just America's premier celebrity chef. 1011 00:52:57,750 --> 00:53:00,250 He was also its most capable cryptographer. 1012 00:53:00,333 --> 00:53:01,458 Plip-plopipher? 1013 00:53:01,541 --> 00:53:05,250 Cryptographer. You know, someone who crafts and solves codes and ciphers. 1014 00:53:05,333 --> 00:53:06,875 Yeah, a plip-plopipher. 1015 00:53:06,958 --> 00:53:09,958 That's what I said. We're saying the same thing. 1016 00:53:10,041 --> 00:53:13,125 Exactly. Which means that Abe's final edict, 1017 00:53:13,208 --> 00:53:18,291 that I name our freed country America, was itself likely a cipher. 1018 00:53:18,375 --> 00:53:21,791 Hidden within the words of America, my friends, 1019 00:53:21,875 --> 00:53:24,500 is the Gettysburg Address. 1020 00:53:24,583 --> 00:53:26,625 I don't know, seems like kind of a leap. 1021 00:53:26,708 --> 00:53:28,875 But I'll need some time to crack the code. 1022 00:53:28,958 --> 00:53:31,583 In the meantime, someone must run the spoons to Black Smith. 1023 00:53:31,666 --> 00:53:33,375 Not it! 1024 00:53:33,458 --> 00:53:36,500 - All right, Chief, that's you. - What the fuck just happened? 1025 00:53:36,583 --> 00:53:39,833 Did I just lose a game that white people didn't explain the rules to? 1026 00:53:39,916 --> 00:53:41,666 I can't carry all the silver. 1027 00:53:41,750 --> 00:53:44,958 - I only got the one arm. - And whose fault is that? 1028 00:53:45,041 --> 00:53:47,625 That would be yours. For screwing up Vietnam. 1029 00:53:47,708 --> 00:53:51,250 What are you talking about? We won Vietnam. 1030 00:53:51,333 --> 00:53:55,958 Actually, if it gives me some time away from you, yeah, I'll do it. 1031 00:53:56,041 --> 00:53:59,666 - You are a good man, Chief Geronimo. - Just Geronimo. 1032 00:53:59,750 --> 00:54:01,125 The rest of you, come with me. 1033 00:54:01,208 --> 00:54:03,916 I know the perfect place to work on Abe's cipher. 1034 00:54:08,583 --> 00:54:10,333 Ugh, come on. 1035 00:54:15,166 --> 00:54:17,083 You left Washington alive. 1036 00:54:17,166 --> 00:54:20,458 Uh, yes, a calculated risk, my liege. 1037 00:54:20,541 --> 00:54:22,291 Instead of trimming one thorn, 1038 00:54:22,375 --> 00:54:25,916 we may soon be in position to wipe out the whole damn bush. 1039 00:54:27,666 --> 00:54:29,666 And kidnapping his wife? 1040 00:54:29,750 --> 00:54:32,250 You're not worried that will motivate him? 1041 00:54:32,333 --> 00:54:34,375 Oh, I'm counting on it. 1042 00:54:34,458 --> 00:54:38,250 Still, we should expedite my... Your plan. 1043 00:54:38,333 --> 00:54:41,500 Very well. Send me the head engineer. 1044 00:54:43,708 --> 00:54:45,458 You wanted to see me, Your Majesty? 1045 00:54:45,541 --> 00:54:48,250 There's been a slight change of plan. 1046 00:54:48,333 --> 00:54:51,791 We'll need my weapon operational sooner than anticipated. 1047 00:54:51,875 --> 00:54:53,500 How much sooner, Your Majesty? 1048 00:54:53,583 --> 00:54:55,166 You tell me. 1049 00:54:55,250 --> 00:54:56,916 If we work around the clock, 1050 00:54:57,000 --> 00:54:59,041 we could probably have it ready in three weeks? 1051 00:55:05,500 --> 00:55:08,958 Please, Your Majesty, Your Highness. I can do it faster. 1052 00:55:12,166 --> 00:55:14,291 Ah, thank God. 1053 00:55:19,958 --> 00:55:21,125 My foot! 1054 00:55:21,208 --> 00:55:22,625 Most impressive. 1055 00:55:25,000 --> 00:55:27,666 Manchester, come to Daddy. 1056 00:55:27,750 --> 00:55:29,541 Oh, look at the good boy. 1057 00:55:29,666 --> 00:55:32,416 Oh, look, you have a little engineer on your face. 1058 00:55:32,500 --> 00:55:34,250 Well, I guess I do, too, now. 1059 00:55:34,333 --> 00:55:37,291 Don't I? Don't I? Yes! 1060 00:55:37,375 --> 00:55:39,208 Uh, okay. 1061 00:55:39,291 --> 00:55:42,083 I'll have Engineering redouble their efforts. 1062 00:55:42,166 --> 00:55:44,125 See that you do, Arnold. 1063 00:55:44,208 --> 00:55:46,541 Whether or not you succeed with your plan, 1064 00:55:46,625 --> 00:55:48,875 and in case it wasn't clear, I'm not holding my breath, 1065 00:55:48,958 --> 00:55:51,041 Washington is now marching inexorably 1066 00:55:51,125 --> 00:55:54,083 into the gnashing maw of the most diabolical war machine 1067 00:55:54,166 --> 00:55:55,666 the world has ever known. 1068 00:55:55,750 --> 00:55:58,458 And he doesn't even see it coming. 1069 00:55:58,541 --> 00:56:02,125 Yes. They never do. 1070 00:56:04,166 --> 00:56:08,208 Uh, George? I thought you said you had a safe place to work. 1071 00:56:08,291 --> 00:56:10,833 - What? This looks good to me. - Thank you, Paul. 1072 00:56:10,916 --> 00:56:14,291 But this isn't the place I had in mind. That is. 1073 00:56:14,375 --> 00:56:16,541 It got even better! 1074 00:56:18,583 --> 00:56:20,625 Abe, I'm home. 1075 00:56:21,416 --> 00:56:24,291 Pardon me, ma'am. 1076 00:56:27,958 --> 00:56:31,375 Oh, my gord, horse toys! Whee! 1077 00:56:41,250 --> 00:56:42,541 George? 1078 00:56:42,625 --> 00:56:44,416 George, are you okay, buddy? 1079 00:56:44,500 --> 00:56:45,833 Yes, I am. 1080 00:56:45,916 --> 00:56:48,666 But I need to be one with Abe now. 1081 00:56:48,750 --> 00:56:52,541 I have to get inside of his head if I hope to crack this code. 1082 00:56:53,833 --> 00:56:55,000 Okay. 1083 00:56:56,958 --> 00:56:57,958 Come on, come on! 1084 00:56:59,625 --> 00:57:01,166 Confirm! Please confirm! 1085 00:57:01,750 --> 00:57:03,000 We are cruisin'! 1086 00:57:03,833 --> 00:57:05,625 Oh, yeah! 1087 00:57:08,125 --> 00:57:10,750 Next and next. Next. Too easy. 1088 00:57:10,833 --> 00:57:14,333 No, no, don't. No, no. Yes! Reset 30%, please! 1089 00:57:14,416 --> 00:57:16,000 Fuck no! I'm fucked. 1090 00:57:16,333 --> 00:57:17,333 No, fuck! 1091 00:57:19,083 --> 00:57:21,375 I am rusty, rusty. 1092 00:57:21,458 --> 00:57:24,333 Okay, at the hands of this guy is you. 1093 00:57:25,125 --> 00:57:26,250 Eternal destruction. 1094 00:57:27,541 --> 00:57:29,041 Quick, quick, quick! Thank you. 1095 00:57:29,125 --> 00:57:30,958 Return. Return. Yes! 1096 00:57:31,041 --> 00:57:33,208 Three, two, one. Go! 1097 00:57:33,291 --> 00:57:34,500 Come on. Yeah! 1098 00:57:35,291 --> 00:57:37,000 Whoo! Yeah! 1099 00:57:37,083 --> 00:57:38,458 You've been hacked, bro! 1100 00:57:42,083 --> 00:57:45,000 So, what are you going to do when this is all over, huh? 1101 00:57:45,083 --> 00:57:46,458 You got family somewhere? 1102 00:57:46,541 --> 00:57:47,750 Clyde is my family. 1103 00:57:47,833 --> 00:57:51,416 No, I know, but like, you know, people family, friends? 1104 00:57:51,500 --> 00:57:53,000 That's why I'm doing this. 1105 00:57:53,083 --> 00:57:57,541 You started a war against the most powerful country on Earth to make friends? 1106 00:57:57,625 --> 00:58:00,541 Yes. Yes, I did. I never had people friends. 1107 00:58:00,625 --> 00:58:02,541 Oh, Paul. You have one now. 1108 00:58:02,625 --> 00:58:04,666 Thank you. Why do you wanna make war? 1109 00:58:04,750 --> 00:58:07,916 They're mean to you and they disrespect you, like a mule. 1110 00:58:08,000 --> 00:58:09,916 Well, George means well. 1111 00:58:10,000 --> 00:58:12,083 Sam disrespects me, but he's an idiot. 1112 00:58:12,166 --> 00:58:15,666 Listen, lions don't concern themselves with the opinions of sheep. 1113 00:58:15,750 --> 00:58:20,000 Well, I'm friends with a lot of sheep and, boy, are they opinionated. 1114 00:58:20,083 --> 00:58:22,500 Oh, I just meant... 1115 00:58:22,583 --> 00:58:23,625 That's how sheep talk. 1116 00:58:23,708 --> 00:58:27,125 Look, I'm doing this because I want science for everyone. 1117 00:58:27,208 --> 00:58:30,791 Without fear of punishment or persecution or even judgment. 1118 00:58:30,875 --> 00:58:33,375 Problem is, the rich white assholes that run the joint 1119 00:58:33,458 --> 00:58:36,000 keep telling everyone that science isn't real. 1120 00:58:36,083 --> 00:58:38,375 So, I'm gonna show 'em. 1121 00:58:38,458 --> 00:58:41,708 I'm gonna show the whole damn world that science is real. 1122 00:58:41,791 --> 00:58:43,208 How are you gonna do that? 1123 00:58:43,291 --> 00:58:45,666 By using it to do something that no one can ignore. 1124 00:58:45,750 --> 00:58:50,083 - I'm going to use science to win a war. - Oh! 1125 00:58:50,166 --> 00:58:51,750 I don't know how I'm gonna do it yet. 1126 00:58:51,833 --> 00:58:56,125 But all it takes is one great invention deployed at the perfect time, 1127 00:58:56,208 --> 00:58:59,083 and then, the whole world will yell at once... 1128 00:58:59,166 --> 00:59:01,958 Eur-goddamn-reka! 1129 00:59:02,500 --> 00:59:05,916 ...at which point, I was reminded of one of Abe's favorite exploits. 1130 00:59:06,000 --> 00:59:08,958 After a reverse hash, I backdoored the root password. 1131 00:59:09,041 --> 00:59:11,250 A base checksum against the main data store 1132 00:59:11,333 --> 00:59:13,208 allowed me to retrieve the salted hash, 1133 00:59:13,291 --> 00:59:16,291 and then, from there, I was gleaming the cube. 1134 00:59:16,375 --> 00:59:18,125 George, this is amazing! 1135 00:59:18,208 --> 00:59:19,666 You haven't even heard the kicker. 1136 00:59:19,750 --> 00:59:22,458 When I extrapolated through a dual node minimum spanning tree, 1137 00:59:22,541 --> 00:59:25,125 the cipher's definition revealed itself. 1138 00:59:25,208 --> 00:59:27,791 "A" is the first letter of the alphabet, 1139 00:59:27,875 --> 00:59:31,541 which means it is letter number one. 1140 00:59:31,625 --> 00:59:33,791 Therefore, "A" equals one. 1141 00:59:33,875 --> 00:59:36,125 - Yeah, I understand all of this. - Oh! 1142 00:59:36,208 --> 00:59:38,958 And if "A" equals one, then... 1143 00:59:39,041 --> 00:59:41,375 - You've got to be kidding me! - Both of us. 1144 00:59:41,458 --> 00:59:45,083 I am not. America equals "1 Merica." 1145 00:59:45,166 --> 00:59:48,125 Now, does that word "Merica" ring a bell to any of you? 1146 00:59:48,208 --> 00:59:50,500 Oh! Oh! I know! Fuck, I lost it. 1147 00:59:50,583 --> 00:59:52,208 Ooh, no. Does it start with a one? 1148 00:59:52,291 --> 00:59:54,000 Maybe this will jog your memory. 1149 00:59:54,083 --> 00:59:57,083 This is ten times magnification. 1150 00:59:57,166 --> 00:59:59,083 Oh, my God. 1151 00:59:59,166 --> 01:00:04,208 Gentlemen, lady, I give you the Gettysburg Address. 1152 01:00:04,791 --> 01:00:05,666 Oof! 1153 01:00:05,750 --> 01:00:10,333 Oh. I guess we... I guess we should've scouted the area, right, guys? 1154 01:00:10,416 --> 01:00:14,041 But then we wouldn't have had George's awesome code-cracking scene, right? 1155 01:00:14,125 --> 01:00:16,083 Really? You thought that was awesome? 1156 01:00:16,166 --> 01:00:18,250 It wasn't, you know, too indulgent? 1157 01:00:18,333 --> 01:00:21,083 No way, dude. Totally realistic. 1158 01:00:21,166 --> 01:00:22,541 And entirely too short. 1159 01:00:22,625 --> 01:00:25,375 Guys, you have got to see this. Look. 1160 01:00:25,458 --> 01:00:26,750 Whoa! 1161 01:00:26,833 --> 01:00:27,875 What do you see? 1162 01:00:27,958 --> 01:00:30,208 Redcoats standing around a table. 1163 01:00:30,291 --> 01:00:33,583 And there's only one reason grown men would stand around a table. 1164 01:00:33,666 --> 01:00:35,208 - To jerk off. - To plot... What? 1165 01:00:35,291 --> 01:00:39,041 - To plot. - Exactly. The meeting's already underway. 1166 01:00:39,125 --> 01:00:40,833 Then we haven't a moment to lose. 1167 01:00:40,916 --> 01:00:43,958 George, wait. We don't have the silver bullet yet. 1168 01:00:44,041 --> 01:00:46,458 - We need it to kill Arnold. - Damn it! That's right. 1169 01:00:46,541 --> 01:00:48,708 Where the hell are those guys with our silver bullet? 1170 01:00:54,250 --> 01:00:56,958 ...and then the big dumb one says, "We won Vietnam." 1171 01:00:58,708 --> 01:01:04,916 Can you imagine being so used to winning at everything for your whole life, 1172 01:01:05,000 --> 01:01:07,166 that even when you lose, your brain's just like, 1173 01:01:07,250 --> 01:01:10,541 "Yo, we must've won that shit, right?" 1174 01:01:10,625 --> 01:01:13,083 That's the definition of privilege, right there. 1175 01:01:13,166 --> 01:01:16,666 Oh, I've tried to tell them that so many times, 1176 01:01:16,750 --> 01:01:18,583 but they don't even hear me. 1177 01:01:18,666 --> 01:01:20,250 You wanna get through to them, 1178 01:01:20,333 --> 01:01:23,166 you'd have to put your message in like, I don't know, 1179 01:01:23,250 --> 01:01:26,583 the dumbest thing possible, like a cartoon or something. 1180 01:01:27,833 --> 01:01:30,708 Hey, so how much longer on this silver bullet? 1181 01:01:30,791 --> 01:01:33,041 - Man, that shit been done for hours. - What? 1182 01:01:36,250 --> 01:01:37,375 Oh, yeah. 1183 01:01:38,083 --> 01:01:39,750 I can't wait any longer. 1184 01:01:39,833 --> 01:01:42,000 I have to rescue my wife and unborn child. 1185 01:01:42,083 --> 01:01:44,041 If that baby-eating bastard is in there... 1186 01:01:44,125 --> 01:01:47,041 Oh, my God! He threatened to eat your unborn baby? 1187 01:01:47,125 --> 01:01:50,666 No, no, no. I mean, not literally. But, look, he's very evil, Edison. 1188 01:01:50,750 --> 01:01:52,958 I mean, come on. Are we splittin' hairs here? 1189 01:01:53,041 --> 01:01:55,458 George, without that silver bullet, we'll all be dinner. 1190 01:01:55,541 --> 01:01:59,416 I know, okay? Look, guys, I don't expect you to go in there. 1191 01:01:59,500 --> 01:02:01,583 It's suicide, but I have to. 1192 01:02:01,666 --> 01:02:03,625 George, we're a team. 1193 01:02:03,708 --> 01:02:06,125 If there's even a chance we can save your family, 1194 01:02:06,208 --> 01:02:07,833 we have to take it. Right, guys? 1195 01:02:07,916 --> 01:02:11,333 - Plus, I just heard he eats babies! - Oh, no! 1196 01:02:11,416 --> 01:02:13,166 - Sam, no! - I knew it! 1197 01:02:13,250 --> 01:02:16,333 There's no time to lose. Come on. Let's get our sneak on. 1198 01:02:29,875 --> 01:02:31,291 Science. 1199 01:02:33,166 --> 01:02:36,125 Uh-huh. The door's not locked. 1200 01:02:36,208 --> 01:02:39,250 It didn't need to be. Laser beams. 1201 01:02:39,333 --> 01:02:41,541 Hope you boys are limbered up. 1202 01:02:42,125 --> 01:02:46,833 Easy. Easy, does it. Easy, Daddy. Oh, easy. 1203 01:02:48,833 --> 01:02:51,916 Uh, guys, this is just yarn. 1204 01:02:53,750 --> 01:02:55,708 I'm creeping very quietly. 1205 01:02:59,625 --> 01:03:01,125 Don't you move, bad guy! 1206 01:03:04,416 --> 01:03:07,041 Look at him go! That's great! 1207 01:03:11,958 --> 01:03:14,250 Ha-ha! What the shit? 1208 01:03:14,333 --> 01:03:17,750 Who fucking drew this? This is completely unrealistic. 1209 01:03:17,833 --> 01:03:20,513 - Pip-Pip, cheerio. - Bob's your uncle. 1210 01:03:20,541 --> 01:03:22,421 - Ello, guv! - Bangers and mash. 1211 01:03:24,958 --> 01:03:26,958 Enslave the Irish! 1212 01:03:27,666 --> 01:03:29,250 That bastard set us up. 1213 01:03:29,916 --> 01:03:31,250 Martha! 1214 01:03:32,875 --> 01:03:35,083 - Martha! - George, wait! It's a... trap. 1215 01:03:35,166 --> 01:03:36,458 Yep, shit. 1216 01:03:37,250 --> 01:03:40,166 - What did they do to your wife? - Paul, that's not Martha. 1217 01:03:40,250 --> 01:03:42,125 It's a hyper-thermobaric bomb. 1218 01:03:42,208 --> 01:03:45,625 My hand blasters should interrupt the current to the triggering mechanism. 1219 01:03:45,708 --> 01:03:46,958 Science. 1220 01:03:47,041 --> 01:03:49,000 Oh, what? 1221 01:03:49,083 --> 01:03:51,125 Witch, that was your one chance 1222 01:03:51,208 --> 01:03:53,958 and your beloved science totally fucked us! 1223 01:03:54,041 --> 01:03:56,375 I don't understand. I used science. 1224 01:03:56,458 --> 01:03:59,541 We're outta time. I have to get this as far away as possible. 1225 01:03:59,625 --> 01:04:01,000 It's up to you guys now. 1226 01:04:01,083 --> 01:04:03,666 Save Martha! Save America! 1227 01:04:03,750 --> 01:04:06,041 No, you save her yourself, George. 1228 01:04:06,125 --> 01:04:08,208 This is a job for a racist. 1229 01:04:08,291 --> 01:04:10,958 The fastest racist in the colonies. 1230 01:04:11,583 --> 01:04:12,958 Goodbye, people friends! 1231 01:04:14,791 --> 01:04:15,875 Yah! 1232 01:04:15,958 --> 01:04:18,375 Go, Clyde! Fast as the wind! 1233 01:04:22,458 --> 01:04:24,541 Hey, compadre, vamanos! 1234 01:04:24,625 --> 01:04:26,166 Clyde, what are you talking about? 1235 01:04:26,250 --> 01:04:29,458 Clyde can get a lot further away without Pablo's added weight. 1236 01:04:29,541 --> 01:04:31,458 No! But Clyde is Paul's only friend! 1237 01:04:31,541 --> 01:04:35,333 - No, Pablo has human friends now. - But, Clyde... 1238 01:04:35,416 --> 01:04:37,833 Go! Git! 1239 01:04:38,666 --> 01:04:39,750 Don't you see? 1240 01:04:40,333 --> 01:04:43,375 - Clyde doesn't want Pablo around anymore. - What? 1241 01:04:43,458 --> 01:04:46,083 - Git! Damn it, Pablo, git! - Clyde, no! 1242 01:04:46,166 --> 01:04:49,333 - Get away! - Clyde, why would you say that? No! 1243 01:04:49,416 --> 01:04:51,291 Clyde, please! 1244 01:04:51,875 --> 01:04:54,708 Clyde! 1245 01:04:57,583 --> 01:05:00,708 Oh, I guess that big idiot really cared about us. 1246 01:05:00,791 --> 01:05:02,416 Yeah, he really did. 1247 01:05:05,625 --> 01:05:08,250 King James, we meet at last. 1248 01:05:08,333 --> 01:05:11,500 Yes, yes. Kudos, Washington. 1249 01:05:11,583 --> 01:05:16,166 I see that you managed to evade the trap your old friend Benedict laid for you. 1250 01:05:16,250 --> 01:05:17,541 Evade this, butter teeth! 1251 01:05:18,125 --> 01:05:19,333 Sam, you're not gonna... 1252 01:05:19,416 --> 01:05:21,166 It's a hologram. 1253 01:05:21,250 --> 01:05:22,916 Where's my wife, you bastard? 1254 01:05:23,000 --> 01:05:27,166 I believe you mean... Where is your future queen? 1255 01:05:27,250 --> 01:05:28,250 Never! 1256 01:05:28,333 --> 01:05:29,875 Oh, you'll come round. 1257 01:05:29,958 --> 01:05:30,958 Martha! 1258 01:05:31,500 --> 01:05:35,000 If you lay even one of your sausage fingers on her, 1259 01:05:35,083 --> 01:05:36,750 I'll rip your fucking dick off! 1260 01:05:36,833 --> 01:05:38,750 You better make it quick, George, 1261 01:05:38,833 --> 01:05:42,041 because we're about to become very well acquainted. 1262 01:05:42,125 --> 01:05:44,416 No more repartee, James. 1263 01:05:44,500 --> 01:05:45,750 No more games! 1264 01:05:45,833 --> 01:05:48,541 I want you face-to-face. 1265 01:05:48,625 --> 01:05:51,250 Hmm. What did you have in mind? 1266 01:05:51,333 --> 01:05:52,458 Tomorrow. 1267 01:05:52,541 --> 01:05:54,708 For all the fucking marbles. 1268 01:05:54,791 --> 01:05:56,708 My squad. Your squad! 1269 01:05:56,791 --> 01:06:01,166 You mean, your squad and my giant fuck-off army! 1270 01:06:01,250 --> 01:06:04,166 Bring me every Redcoat alive for all I care. 1271 01:06:04,250 --> 01:06:06,458 I'll bring extra gas for my chainsaws. 1272 01:06:06,541 --> 01:06:09,583 I accept. Tomorrow morning. Attrition Field. 1273 01:06:09,666 --> 01:06:11,916 Eight o'clock, sharp. Don't be late. 1274 01:06:12,666 --> 01:06:14,875 Clyde! 1275 01:06:17,708 --> 01:06:19,541 Hmm. He gonna be okay? 1276 01:06:19,625 --> 01:06:23,083 You sacrificed Clyde... to save us? 1277 01:06:23,166 --> 01:06:25,000 Clyde sacrificed himself. 1278 01:06:25,083 --> 01:06:27,208 I love my new people friends, 1279 01:06:27,291 --> 01:06:29,500 but I loved Clyde, too! 1280 01:06:30,750 --> 01:06:32,791 He was my brother! 1281 01:06:34,291 --> 01:06:36,583 There's gotta be something we can do. 1282 01:06:36,666 --> 01:06:39,125 Well, I'm in a book club with Clara Barton. 1283 01:06:40,458 --> 01:06:43,333 The groundbreaking medical practitioner? 1284 01:06:44,833 --> 01:06:46,625 His name's Clara? 1285 01:06:47,208 --> 01:06:48,958 I think I can save him. 1286 01:06:49,041 --> 01:06:52,791 But it will require the full breadth of my cybernetic research to do so. 1287 01:06:52,875 --> 01:06:54,666 - Meaning? - Meaning when I'm done... 1288 01:06:54,750 --> 01:06:57,000 He'll be more machine than animal. 1289 01:06:57,083 --> 01:06:58,333 And there's also a chance 1290 01:06:58,416 --> 01:07:01,958 that at some point in the distant future, he'll rise up against us and... 1291 01:07:02,041 --> 01:07:04,708 The horse owes me three bucks, so do what you gotta do, Doc. 1292 01:07:04,791 --> 01:07:08,083 It's a long shot. My nanotechnology is advanced, 1293 01:07:08,166 --> 01:07:10,916 but there's really just no substitute for living tissue. 1294 01:07:11,000 --> 01:07:13,750 Go. I need to be alone with Clyde. 1295 01:07:13,833 --> 01:07:15,375 Okay, Paul. Okay. 1296 01:07:28,000 --> 01:07:30,416 Say what you will about these colonists, 1297 01:07:30,500 --> 01:07:33,333 but frying a chicken and putting it in a bucket, 1298 01:07:33,416 --> 01:07:35,041 that's a solid idea. 1299 01:07:36,833 --> 01:07:38,500 Aren't you thirsty, my queen? 1300 01:07:38,583 --> 01:07:41,333 I'll never drink your over-taxed tea, James. 1301 01:07:41,416 --> 01:07:44,875 You'll feel much more agreeable after a relaxing soak. 1302 01:07:44,958 --> 01:07:47,708 Arnold, has milady's bath been drawn? 1303 01:07:47,791 --> 01:07:50,625 Yes, my liege. Earl Grey, hot. 1304 01:07:50,708 --> 01:07:52,083 Excellent! 1305 01:07:52,166 --> 01:07:55,916 Oh! Look at this, it's a double-stuffed pizza crust. 1306 01:07:56,000 --> 01:07:59,208 Just... I mean, do the maths, Arnold. It's impossible. 1307 01:08:04,916 --> 01:08:05,833 Did you want some? 1308 01:08:05,916 --> 01:08:07,666 Enjoy it while you can, James. 1309 01:08:07,750 --> 01:08:10,333 Before my husband rips your fucking dick off! 1310 01:08:10,416 --> 01:08:14,916 My dear, now that my Ultimate Doomsday Machine is complete, 1311 01:08:15,000 --> 01:08:18,958 your husband and his band of traitorous ne'er-do-wells 1312 01:08:19,041 --> 01:08:21,500 will soon be ripping their own dicks off. 1313 01:08:23,416 --> 01:08:26,666 - Why would they do that? - Do what? 1314 01:08:26,750 --> 01:08:28,416 Rip their own dicks off? 1315 01:08:28,500 --> 01:08:31,375 Because! That's why! 1316 01:08:32,083 --> 01:08:33,958 Is he a cookie or is he a puss? 1317 01:08:34,041 --> 01:08:37,625 You know what? I don't care. He's my new best friend, that's who he is. 1318 01:08:38,791 --> 01:08:43,125 Yes, my king, there is so much this bountiful new land has to offer. 1319 01:08:43,208 --> 01:08:46,791 Yes. And which corner of my new kingdom 1320 01:08:46,875 --> 01:08:48,833 will you choose to rule, I wonder? 1321 01:08:48,916 --> 01:08:49,750 Oh! 1322 01:08:49,833 --> 01:08:53,666 Why don't you take a Dakota? Hell, take both. 1323 01:08:53,750 --> 01:08:58,041 Why don't I take the whole thing? 1324 01:08:59,125 --> 01:09:00,416 But why? 1325 01:09:00,500 --> 01:09:04,083 Because, you double-stuffed buffoon, why would I want to eat a slice... 1326 01:09:04,166 --> 01:09:05,375 Oh, my God! 1327 01:09:05,458 --> 01:09:08,666 ...when I can eat the whole a-pizza pie? 1328 01:09:13,916 --> 01:09:17,708 Finally, freedom has a birthday. Tomorrow. 1329 01:09:19,083 --> 01:09:20,500 So, go home. 1330 01:09:20,583 --> 01:09:22,208 Go home to your friends, 1331 01:09:22,791 --> 01:09:25,500 to your families, to your loved ones. 1332 01:09:26,416 --> 01:09:28,833 And then, ready your arsenals. 1333 01:09:28,916 --> 01:09:31,250 Bring not the weapons you would use to topple men, 1334 01:09:31,958 --> 01:09:36,041 but the weapons that you would use to topple armies. 1335 01:09:36,875 --> 01:09:39,458 The weapons you would use to topple nations. 1336 01:09:40,041 --> 01:09:43,458 For tomorrow, our revolution dies 1337 01:09:43,541 --> 01:09:46,125 and America is born. 1338 01:09:48,666 --> 01:09:50,250 Guide me, old friend. 1339 01:09:50,750 --> 01:09:52,166 Show me the way. 1340 01:09:53,833 --> 01:09:57,250 George, I wish I had a million friends like you! 1341 01:09:57,333 --> 01:09:58,791 ...a million friends... 1342 01:09:58,875 --> 01:10:01,625 Abe, you forward-thinking son of bitch! 1343 01:10:01,708 --> 01:10:05,083 But we're still gonna need a lot of firepower. 1344 01:10:08,541 --> 01:10:12,291 Well, hey, welcome to Y'all Mart. How can I help you? 1345 01:10:12,375 --> 01:10:14,041 Oh, hey, how's it goin'? I need guns. 1346 01:10:14,125 --> 01:10:15,875 Well, bless your heart. 1347 01:10:15,958 --> 01:10:18,875 And did you have any particular type in mind? 1348 01:10:18,958 --> 01:10:22,791 Um, whatever the firearm equivalent of a massive overreaction would be. 1349 01:10:22,875 --> 01:10:24,666 Like, for every bullet fired at me, 1350 01:10:24,750 --> 01:10:26,958 I'd want to be able to fire several hundred in return. 1351 01:10:27,041 --> 01:10:31,166 Oh, I see. And what do you plan on using them for? 1352 01:10:32,875 --> 01:10:34,208 - Hunting? - Perfect! 1353 01:10:34,291 --> 01:10:36,208 I can definitely help you with that. 1354 01:10:36,291 --> 01:10:38,250 Now, we do have a waiting period. 1355 01:10:38,958 --> 01:10:42,041 And it's over. Let's get you heavily armed, big fella. 1356 01:10:42,125 --> 01:10:45,416 Fantastic! Say, aren't you Mr. Kinko's boy? 1357 01:10:45,500 --> 01:10:49,583 Yes, sir. Frederick Xavier Kinko. Nice to meet ya. 1358 01:10:49,666 --> 01:10:52,333 Well, Fred X. Kinko, that's convenient. 1359 01:10:52,416 --> 01:10:54,166 I'm also looking for a photocopier. 1360 01:10:54,250 --> 01:10:56,041 The best in the colonies. 1361 01:11:04,458 --> 01:11:05,541 Were you able to sleep? 1362 01:11:05,625 --> 01:11:06,791 - Yeah. - Slept like a log. 1363 01:11:06,875 --> 01:11:10,500 Neither was I. No matter, we'll all sleep soon enough... 1364 01:11:10,583 --> 01:11:12,916 in the beds of vanquished kings. 1365 01:11:13,000 --> 01:11:16,375 Wow, that was beautiful phrasing. You're gettin' pretty good at this. 1366 01:11:16,458 --> 01:11:18,375 You like that? Really? Check this out. 1367 01:11:18,458 --> 01:11:21,166 Teamwork, it makes the dream work. 1368 01:11:21,250 --> 01:11:23,625 Whoa! He's right. It does. 1369 01:11:23,708 --> 01:11:26,375 Okay, that, right there, that's leadership. 1370 01:11:26,458 --> 01:11:30,416 Thanks, guys. Look, man, I gotta say, I'm feeling pretty confident. 1371 01:11:30,500 --> 01:11:32,916 Maybe things are going to work out after all. 1372 01:11:33,000 --> 01:11:36,875 - Holy shit. - Fuck me. 1373 01:12:13,500 --> 01:12:16,958 All right. I'm not gonna sugarcoat this. 1374 01:12:17,583 --> 01:12:20,833 Three against ten thousand? That's pretty bad odds. 1375 01:12:21,416 --> 01:12:23,791 - For us. - Well, we have the high ground. 1376 01:12:23,875 --> 01:12:25,916 You have more than the high ground. 1377 01:12:26,000 --> 01:12:28,625 Geronimo! Blacksmith! We thought you deserted. 1378 01:12:28,708 --> 01:12:33,000 Thought about it, like, really hard, then started going in the other direction. 1379 01:12:33,083 --> 01:12:35,958 Even booked an Air T&P on the opposite side of town. 1380 01:12:36,041 --> 01:12:38,375 But despite my better judgment, 1381 01:12:38,458 --> 01:12:40,791 I ate the deposit and decided to come. 1382 01:12:41,333 --> 01:12:43,166 Because this is my land 1383 01:12:43,250 --> 01:12:46,333 and I don't need anybody's permission to defend it. 1384 01:12:46,416 --> 01:12:49,000 And Mr. Smith, you'll join the fight as well? 1385 01:12:49,083 --> 01:12:51,708 I figured, if we're gonna end up with an old white dude in charge, 1386 01:12:51,791 --> 01:12:54,291 we could do a hell of a lot worse than you, George Washington. 1387 01:12:54,375 --> 01:12:56,125 You're one of the good-ish ones. 1388 01:12:57,125 --> 01:12:59,500 All that silver... for one bullet. 1389 01:12:59,583 --> 01:13:01,708 Yeah, so you better make it count. 1390 01:13:01,791 --> 01:13:04,291 We will, and we'll do it in style. 1391 01:13:04,375 --> 01:13:05,250 Yeah. 1392 01:13:05,333 --> 01:13:08,166 I commissioned Betsy Ross and Tim Gunn to make these last night. 1393 01:13:08,250 --> 01:13:10,291 Tim Gunn? Sounds like a badass. 1394 01:13:10,375 --> 01:13:14,750 My dream, as silly as it seems now, was that after our victory today, 1395 01:13:14,833 --> 01:13:17,250 this design would become a national symbol. 1396 01:13:17,333 --> 01:13:19,583 The first ever American flag. 1397 01:13:19,666 --> 01:13:23,666 - A symbol of our indomitable spirit. - Of our thirst for knowledge! 1398 01:13:23,750 --> 01:13:26,250 Of our tireless quest to kick ass! 1399 01:13:26,333 --> 01:13:28,583 And, and! I'm just spitballing here, 1400 01:13:28,666 --> 01:13:31,333 but maybe this style of blouse will become the uniform 1401 01:13:31,416 --> 01:13:34,291 of the first ever American national pastime. 1402 01:13:34,375 --> 01:13:37,375 It'll be like cricket, but with actual rules. 1403 01:13:37,458 --> 01:13:40,208 And you won't even have to be athletic to participate. 1404 01:13:40,291 --> 01:13:43,000 - Or have two arms. - And women can play, too. 1405 01:13:43,083 --> 01:13:45,166 You know, don't... Let's not get sidetracked. 1406 01:13:45,250 --> 01:13:46,500 Hark, the national bird! 1407 01:13:46,583 --> 01:13:48,416 You took everything else. 1408 01:13:48,500 --> 01:13:51,333 You know what we need now? A national song. 1409 01:13:51,416 --> 01:13:52,958 I believe you mean... 1410 01:13:56,333 --> 01:13:58,291 a national anthem. 1411 01:14:08,541 --> 01:14:14,958 ♪ If I leave here tomorrow ♪ 1412 01:14:16,750 --> 01:14:21,166 ♪ Would you still remember me? ♪ 1413 01:14:24,416 --> 01:14:31,250 ♪ For I must be traveling on now ♪ 1414 01:14:32,750 --> 01:14:36,916 ♪ 'Cause there's too many places I've got to see ♪ 1415 01:14:41,125 --> 01:14:47,125 ♪ 'Cause I'm as free as a bird now ♪ 1416 01:14:49,208 --> 01:14:54,166 ♪ And this bird you cannot change ♪ 1417 01:14:57,125 --> 01:15:03,458 ♪ Lord help me, I can't change ♪ 1418 01:15:14,833 --> 01:15:17,291 This is so beautiful, George! 1419 01:15:18,458 --> 01:15:20,958 I know, it rocks, right? I wrote it last night. 1420 01:15:21,041 --> 01:15:22,708 I'm gonna request that song 1421 01:15:22,791 --> 01:15:26,666 at every party from now until the end of time. 1422 01:15:26,750 --> 01:15:28,500 No. No, not the song. 1423 01:15:29,125 --> 01:15:30,875 The Americans! 1424 01:15:30,958 --> 01:15:33,458 They came. It worked! 1425 01:15:33,541 --> 01:15:34,625 What worked, G-Dub? 1426 01:15:34,708 --> 01:15:36,750 I found an old note from Abe last night. 1427 01:15:36,833 --> 01:15:39,875 And he said he wished he had a million friends like me. 1428 01:15:39,958 --> 01:15:43,916 And that's when I realized, I can have a million friends. 1429 01:15:45,083 --> 01:15:51,166 Oh! Why settle for 20 bros when you could have a million, 1430 01:15:51,250 --> 01:15:52,666 no matter how different they look. 1431 01:15:52,750 --> 01:15:55,791 Exactly! Sam, that's the American way! 1432 01:15:55,875 --> 01:15:57,791 Hey, guys. Did ya hear? 1433 01:15:57,875 --> 01:16:01,250 I'm not racist anymore! I'm doin' it! 1434 01:16:01,333 --> 01:16:02,250 Super. 1435 01:16:02,333 --> 01:16:04,333 George, how did you do this? 1436 01:16:04,416 --> 01:16:06,500 How did you reach this many people overnight? 1437 01:16:06,583 --> 01:16:10,916 I remembered something one of my friends told me about flyers. 1438 01:16:11,583 --> 01:16:14,666 They're a great way to communicate with a widespread audience. 1439 01:16:16,458 --> 01:16:20,166 I spent all night distributing these all over this great land, 1440 01:16:21,000 --> 01:16:23,125 from sea to shining sea. 1441 01:16:23,208 --> 01:16:25,708 That's thousands of miles! How did you... 1442 01:16:25,791 --> 01:16:29,666 Oh, I had a little help from the fastest racist in the colonies! 1443 01:16:29,750 --> 01:16:30,958 Whoa! 1444 01:16:31,041 --> 01:16:33,875 - What have they done to you? - Does that hurt? 1445 01:16:33,958 --> 01:16:37,375 The British are coming... to get their asses kicked! 1446 01:16:37,458 --> 01:16:41,666 Heh. Well, I am just glad that we got the band back together. 1447 01:16:41,750 --> 01:16:45,125 All right, everybody, come on! Grab an AR-15. 1448 01:16:45,208 --> 01:16:48,416 These little death machines here are gonna even the odds for us. 1449 01:16:48,500 --> 01:16:51,541 But once the war is over though, okay, I definitely need them back. 1450 01:16:51,625 --> 01:16:53,041 Yeah, man. No problem. 1451 01:16:53,875 --> 01:16:57,958 Yeah, they're just way too dangerous for civilians to keep. Am I right? 1452 01:16:58,041 --> 01:16:59,875 That is completely reasonable. 1453 01:17:01,708 --> 01:17:04,375 What in God's name are we waiting for? 1454 01:17:04,458 --> 01:17:06,250 Why are we not attacking? 1455 01:17:06,333 --> 01:17:08,208 Beggin' your pardon, me lord, 1456 01:17:08,291 --> 01:17:12,625 the Americans was just changing their kits into the stars and stripes, see? 1457 01:17:12,708 --> 01:17:14,916 Then they sang a song for a bit, yeah. 1458 01:17:15,000 --> 01:17:18,333 Now it looks like they're settlin' some personal differences. 1459 01:17:18,416 --> 01:17:19,583 Shan't be long. 1460 01:17:19,666 --> 01:17:22,291 We don't have to wait for them to get dressed. 1461 01:17:22,375 --> 01:17:23,791 Attack, you idiots! 1462 01:17:23,875 --> 01:17:26,458 Copy that, Command. Commencing bombardment. 1463 01:17:29,916 --> 01:17:33,500 Now, let's go start a fucking revolution! 1464 01:17:33,583 --> 01:17:34,583 Kick it! 1465 01:17:36,666 --> 01:17:40,458 Tread on them! Tread the fuck all over them! 1466 01:18:35,375 --> 01:18:36,375 Oh, no. 1467 01:18:58,291 --> 01:18:59,708 Me-ronimo! 1468 01:19:04,708 --> 01:19:06,458 Edison, give me that juice! 1469 01:19:10,916 --> 01:19:14,666 For America! Charge! 1470 01:19:15,375 --> 01:19:17,666 Artillery. Open fire on the front. 1471 01:19:17,750 --> 01:19:20,059 But, my lord, we'll hit our own men. 1472 01:19:20,083 --> 01:19:21,750 Fuck's sake. I'm evil! 1473 01:19:21,833 --> 01:19:24,541 We're the bad guys! Jesus, pay attention! 1474 01:19:24,625 --> 01:19:28,375 Now, open fire or I'll eat your bones! 1475 01:19:28,916 --> 01:19:30,166 Commander. 1476 01:19:30,250 --> 01:19:34,000 Roger, roger. All cannon, open fire. Danger close. 1477 01:19:49,291 --> 01:19:51,458 We've gotta do something about those cannons! 1478 01:19:52,166 --> 01:19:53,875 Wait a minute. Is that Martha? 1479 01:19:54,625 --> 01:19:57,041 Oh, my God! Edison, on me! 1480 01:20:01,708 --> 01:20:04,041 Paul, take out those walkers or we're sunk! 1481 01:20:04,125 --> 01:20:06,666 - Affirmative. Commencing attack run. - Edison, give me a lift. 1482 01:20:06,750 --> 01:20:09,291 I'm on it! Science, don't fail me now. 1483 01:20:12,083 --> 01:20:15,250 - Edison, fly straight! - My thrusters took some damage! 1484 01:20:15,333 --> 01:20:17,500 Just get me to that elephant! 1485 01:20:23,958 --> 01:20:27,666 - Ello, guv'ner! - Oh, Martha! Thank God! 1486 01:20:27,750 --> 01:20:30,625 I'm just so happy that you're... safe? 1487 01:20:35,041 --> 01:20:36,250 Stay on target. 1488 01:20:38,125 --> 01:20:40,291 Stay on target. 1489 01:20:50,458 --> 01:20:54,041 Well, Manchester, if you want something done right... 1490 01:20:56,708 --> 01:20:59,666 Get some! Get some! Get some! 1491 01:21:01,458 --> 01:21:03,416 What the... What are you? 1492 01:21:18,375 --> 01:21:20,916 Oi! Handball! That's a foul, ya wanker! 1493 01:21:21,000 --> 01:21:22,833 Maybe that's true in Britain. 1494 01:21:24,666 --> 01:21:27,250 But this is America, asshole! 1495 01:21:29,250 --> 01:21:30,666 Touchdown! 1496 01:21:30,750 --> 01:21:33,333 What is the deal with these chaps? 1497 01:21:33,416 --> 01:21:35,458 It's like they have no quit in them. 1498 01:21:35,541 --> 01:21:39,208 No matter, I guess I'll just skip to the end, then. 1499 01:21:39,291 --> 01:21:41,916 Game over, old friend. 1500 01:21:59,750 --> 01:22:02,208 We're surrounded. Why aren't they advancing? 1501 01:22:02,291 --> 01:22:05,541 Because that's not part of the plan, ya dumb twat! 1502 01:22:05,625 --> 01:22:07,875 Oh, fuck! 1503 01:22:12,291 --> 01:22:14,625 Holy! What is that thing? 1504 01:22:14,708 --> 01:22:17,375 It's a weather control device. Look at the tea bags. 1505 01:22:17,458 --> 01:22:20,791 It's designed to seed the clouds... with tea! 1506 01:22:20,875 --> 01:22:23,541 Teabagging them? Literally? But why? 1507 01:22:23,625 --> 01:22:26,083 To make them rain tea. 1508 01:22:26,166 --> 01:22:29,208 Every man, woman and child beneath these spacious skies 1509 01:22:29,291 --> 01:22:31,250 will be turned British instantly. 1510 01:22:31,333 --> 01:22:33,083 The revolution will not only be over, 1511 01:22:33,166 --> 01:22:35,250 it will effectively have never even occurred. 1512 01:22:35,333 --> 01:22:38,666 Aw, fuck! These are those global stakes you were talking about, aren't they? 1513 01:22:38,750 --> 01:22:42,916 Yep. If he successfully British-izes every colonist in the New World, 1514 01:22:43,000 --> 01:22:46,666 he won't stop there. He'll British-ize the entire world. 1515 01:22:46,750 --> 01:22:49,291 Okay. You know what? Fuck it. 1516 01:22:50,041 --> 01:22:53,416 - It was fun while it lasted, boys. - Keep it. 1517 01:22:53,500 --> 01:22:56,958 This is your last moment as a colonist. You may as well enjoy it. 1518 01:22:57,041 --> 01:22:58,875 Besides, it's sorta perfect. 1519 01:22:58,958 --> 01:23:01,041 I mean, beer's the exact opposite of tea. 1520 01:23:01,125 --> 01:23:03,750 So, one last "fuck you" to the Brits. Am I right? 1521 01:23:04,625 --> 01:23:08,250 The exact opposite. That's it! Sam, hold this keg steady. 1522 01:23:08,333 --> 01:23:10,208 - But it's full of beer! - It better be. 1523 01:23:10,291 --> 01:23:12,791 - Blacksmith, hammer this valve into place. - On it! 1524 01:23:12,875 --> 01:23:15,000 Geronimo, keep track of where that thing is headed. 1525 01:23:15,083 --> 01:23:16,458 That won't be too hard. 1526 01:23:20,666 --> 01:23:23,458 And, Paul, I'm gonna need a lot of juice! 1527 01:23:27,500 --> 01:23:30,291 - Yo, Edison! What is that shit? - It is science. 1528 01:23:30,375 --> 01:23:32,625 The science that's going to win this war. 1529 01:23:32,708 --> 01:23:35,166 Last time you tried "science," 1530 01:23:35,250 --> 01:23:37,708 you set off a bomb that almost killed us. 1531 01:23:37,791 --> 01:23:39,708 How can you be so sure that this will work? 1532 01:23:39,791 --> 01:23:43,333 Well, I'm not sure, Sammy, but I have a hypothesis. 1533 01:23:43,916 --> 01:23:48,083 So, let's go test that hypothesis and draw some fucking conclusions! 1534 01:23:48,750 --> 01:23:53,583 This is for science! 1535 01:24:20,000 --> 01:24:24,500 No! No! Not like this! Not like this, Martha! 1536 01:24:24,583 --> 01:24:28,375 - Drink it, George! Drink it in. - No! I won't do it! Ah! 1537 01:24:28,458 --> 01:24:34,250 Fine, resist. And I'll gain full custody of our son the moment he is born. 1538 01:24:34,333 --> 01:24:36,750 And you'll be helpless to stop it. 1539 01:24:36,833 --> 01:24:42,375 You'll have failed as a leader, as a husband and as a father, 1540 01:24:42,458 --> 01:24:46,833 just like your father before you. 1541 01:24:48,916 --> 01:24:51,208 Hey, hey, it's okay. 1542 01:24:51,291 --> 01:24:53,541 Even though you totally blew it 1543 01:24:53,625 --> 01:24:58,291 and let everyone on the team down, you tried your best, witch. 1544 01:24:58,375 --> 01:25:01,750 I'm not a witch, Sam. I am a scientist. 1545 01:25:01,833 --> 01:25:03,625 And no, I did not. 1546 01:25:03,708 --> 01:25:07,791 The beam. It wasn't meant to blow the Teabagger out of the sky. 1547 01:25:07,875 --> 01:25:09,333 - Nope. - Horse sound. 1548 01:25:09,416 --> 01:25:11,250 What did you do, human lady friend? 1549 01:25:11,333 --> 01:25:13,791 I reversed the polarity of the tea. 1550 01:25:22,083 --> 01:25:24,833 So, if it ain't tea no more, what the fuck is it? 1551 01:25:24,916 --> 01:25:26,750 The exact opposite of tea. 1552 01:25:28,458 --> 01:25:31,916 It's beer! Beer won the war! 1553 01:25:32,000 --> 01:25:34,500 What? No, beer didn't win... No, science! 1554 01:25:34,583 --> 01:25:36,375 Bro! 1555 01:25:38,125 --> 01:25:42,166 I'd just like to say something, you know, as the leader of the group. 1556 01:25:42,250 --> 01:25:45,500 Thirty minutes ago, I dreamed of a bigger fraternity. 1557 01:25:45,583 --> 01:25:49,375 And now, I look around and I have it. 1558 01:25:50,166 --> 01:25:52,625 That's the power of positive thinking, guys. 1559 01:25:52,708 --> 01:25:55,583 - Believe in yourselves! - Are you kidding me? 1560 01:25:55,666 --> 01:25:57,916 Mmm, delicious, isn't it? 1561 01:26:17,791 --> 01:26:19,041 Ah! 1562 01:26:21,708 --> 01:26:24,500 Oh! George? What happened? 1563 01:26:24,583 --> 01:26:27,333 Science, Martha. Science happened. 1564 01:26:27,416 --> 01:26:29,708 Oh, my God! I could have... I almost... 1565 01:26:29,791 --> 01:26:32,666 No, don't you worry about that. 1566 01:26:32,750 --> 01:26:36,833 You're back now and we've just got one thing left to do. 1567 01:26:36,916 --> 01:26:38,750 - Have awesome sex! - Final boss battle. What? 1568 01:26:38,833 --> 01:26:41,250 Uh, yep. Yep. Final boss battle. 1569 01:26:41,333 --> 01:26:42,750 - Bro! - No! 1570 01:26:42,833 --> 01:26:45,666 Bros. Bros everywhere! 1571 01:26:45,750 --> 01:26:48,750 It reeks of Ye Olde Axe body spray! 1572 01:26:48,833 --> 01:26:50,083 Excuse me, sir. 1573 01:26:53,750 --> 01:26:56,083 Do you have a moment to talk about freedom? 1574 01:26:56,166 --> 01:27:00,750 Aren't you surprised to see me leading the British and not King James? 1575 01:27:00,833 --> 01:27:03,583 What? No. You obviously pulled a Benedict Arnold. 1576 01:27:03,666 --> 01:27:04,666 A what? 1577 01:27:04,750 --> 01:27:07,041 A Benedict Arnold. You're a thing now, bro. 1578 01:27:07,125 --> 01:27:09,666 Whenever you get fucked over by a trusted friend, 1579 01:27:09,750 --> 01:27:12,333 it's called getting Benedict Arnolded. Right, everybody? 1580 01:27:12,416 --> 01:27:14,458 - Yeah. - It's totally a thing. 1581 01:27:14,541 --> 01:27:16,791 No. You... You can't just do that. 1582 01:27:16,875 --> 01:27:19,875 Oh, yeah, we can. Because we all voted on it. 1583 01:27:19,958 --> 01:27:21,333 And that's called... 1584 01:27:21,416 --> 01:27:23,125 Fucking Democracy! 1585 01:27:23,208 --> 01:27:24,416 We're doin' it! 1586 01:27:24,500 --> 01:27:26,833 Oh, Georgie. 1587 01:27:26,916 --> 01:27:29,000 You think you've won. 1588 01:27:32,416 --> 01:27:35,041 Mega Wolf! 1589 01:27:35,125 --> 01:27:36,125 Geronimo, now! 1590 01:27:37,458 --> 01:27:38,500 Launch winch-chain. 1591 01:27:43,208 --> 01:27:44,583 Sammy, take the shot! 1592 01:27:45,541 --> 01:27:47,500 Here comes the boom, bitch. 1593 01:28:03,166 --> 01:28:05,333 Guys, I don't know how much more he can take! 1594 01:28:05,416 --> 01:28:07,458 - Where's the stupid bullet? - We're looking! 1595 01:28:07,541 --> 01:28:10,458 Any last regrets, old chum? 1596 01:28:10,541 --> 01:28:15,208 Yeah, I only regret that I have but one life to give for my country. 1597 01:28:15,291 --> 01:28:20,208 Yes. Well, I suppose the one will have to do. 1598 01:28:20,291 --> 01:28:23,416 Oh, shit! It's right here. Guys! I found it! 1599 01:28:24,541 --> 01:28:27,625 What are you smiling about, you idiot? You can't possibly kill me. 1600 01:28:27,708 --> 01:28:29,791 I'm not trying to kill you, Ben. 1601 01:28:29,875 --> 01:28:34,083 They are. With America's favorite pastime. 1602 01:28:34,166 --> 01:28:35,166 No! 1603 01:28:39,791 --> 01:28:41,166 Tax this, motherfucker! 1604 01:28:46,500 --> 01:28:48,583 It's going way back to right field. 1605 01:28:48,666 --> 01:28:50,916 The bullet is still going! High up in there! 1606 01:28:51,000 --> 01:28:53,041 - Bugger! - He did it! 1607 01:28:53,833 --> 01:28:56,166 John Henry Smith did it! 1608 01:29:01,583 --> 01:29:05,875 Welcome to America! 1609 01:29:36,208 --> 01:29:38,125 I wanna make a monument for Abe, too. 1610 01:29:38,208 --> 01:29:40,583 But of course, Mr. President. Same as yours? 1611 01:29:40,666 --> 01:29:41,750 No, I.M. Pei. 1612 01:29:41,833 --> 01:29:47,500 His should be a statue of him sitting there, staring at my monument. 1613 01:29:47,583 --> 01:29:49,500 Who are you, Demi Moore? 1614 01:29:49,583 --> 01:29:51,625 Why you gotta screw a ghost like that, George? 1615 01:29:51,708 --> 01:29:54,916 Abe! Ah, bro! God, it's good to see you again, man. 1616 01:29:55,000 --> 01:29:58,958 Well, you're gonna feel like a real turd after you see what I brought you. Hah! 1617 01:29:59,041 --> 01:30:00,916 The Declaration! You saved it! 1618 01:30:01,000 --> 01:30:01,916 I did. 1619 01:30:02,000 --> 01:30:05,041 A little of Mr. Scotch's invisible tape and it's as good as new. 1620 01:30:05,125 --> 01:30:06,166 It's beautiful, Abe. 1621 01:30:06,250 --> 01:30:09,916 It is, but you're the real national treasure here, George. 1622 01:30:10,000 --> 01:30:11,458 I'm proud of you, bud. 1623 01:30:13,541 --> 01:30:16,708 And no, there's no treasure map drawn on the back of it. 1624 01:30:16,791 --> 01:30:18,833 - Oh, man. - George, what are you doin', bro? 1625 01:30:18,916 --> 01:30:20,756 - They're lookin' for you out there. - Oh, Sam! 1626 01:30:20,791 --> 01:30:23,125 I'm glad you're here. I have something for you. 1627 01:30:23,208 --> 01:30:26,375 - What is it? - A gift for my son's godfather. 1628 01:30:26,458 --> 01:30:27,708 - Who, me? - Yep. 1629 01:30:27,791 --> 01:30:31,083 I need someone I can trust with my son's life. 1630 01:30:31,166 --> 01:30:33,250 And I always thought it would be Abe. 1631 01:30:33,333 --> 01:30:37,041 But with him as a gho... a goner, I need to find someone else. 1632 01:30:37,125 --> 01:30:39,166 George, I'm honored! 1633 01:30:39,250 --> 01:30:40,666 Hey, is that my hat? Oh, it is. 1634 01:30:40,750 --> 01:30:43,916 But... Ugh. I don't know how to be a caretaker. 1635 01:30:44,000 --> 01:30:45,458 I don't have those instincts. 1636 01:30:45,541 --> 01:30:47,916 No, don't think of it as being the caretaker. 1637 01:30:48,000 --> 01:30:49,333 Think of it as being family. 1638 01:30:49,416 --> 01:30:50,750 Like the fun, drunk, 1639 01:30:50,833 --> 01:30:55,833 now definitely no-longer-racist uncle that America has always needed. 1640 01:30:55,916 --> 01:30:58,875 Uncle Sam. I like It. 1641 01:30:58,958 --> 01:31:00,875 Uncle fucking Sam! 1642 01:31:00,958 --> 01:31:04,250 Come on, Uncle Sam, our countrymen await. 1643 01:31:14,625 --> 01:31:15,708 Hey, Denzel. 1644 01:31:26,458 --> 01:31:28,000 My fellow Americans, 1645 01:31:28,083 --> 01:31:32,750 on this day, July 4th, 1776, 1646 01:31:32,833 --> 01:31:36,916 we are all finally free! 1647 01:31:48,000 --> 01:31:49,666 What about your slaves? 1648 01:31:49,750 --> 01:31:52,416 Oh! Um... 1649 01:31:52,500 --> 01:31:56,916 - I said, what about your slaves? - Well, see... 1650 01:31:57,000 --> 01:31:58,375 And what about women? 1651 01:31:58,458 --> 01:32:01,291 Will we be granted equality in your America? 1652 01:32:01,375 --> 01:32:04,250 - Yes, but... - Sure, right after the Indians. 1653 01:32:04,333 --> 01:32:07,750 Wait a second. I was under the impression we were getting our land back. 1654 01:32:07,833 --> 01:32:08,833 Good point. Um... 1655 01:32:08,916 --> 01:32:10,791 Oh, hey, can I keep this here machine gun? 1656 01:32:10,875 --> 01:32:13,541 Like, if a Mexican tries to take my property or something? 1657 01:32:13,625 --> 01:32:15,833 What? You just took this land from the Indians... 1658 01:32:15,916 --> 01:32:17,583 He was coming for you. I saw it! 1659 01:32:17,666 --> 01:32:20,958 - He just shot him! In the back! - He was making a move, man. I swear it! 1660 01:32:21,041 --> 01:32:24,583 We're gonna have a fair and unbiased judicial process, right? 1661 01:32:24,666 --> 01:32:27,041 - Everyone, just calm down! - Fuck you! 1662 01:32:27,125 --> 01:32:28,541 No, fuck you! 1663 01:32:28,625 --> 01:32:30,791 Hey, I just wanna marry my boyfriend. 1664 01:32:31,458 --> 01:32:32,500 Sinner! 1665 01:32:32,583 --> 01:32:34,875 There's gonna be comprehensive health care, right? 1666 01:32:36,083 --> 01:32:38,958 Seriously, dude. What about your slaves? 1667 01:32:39,041 --> 01:32:42,541 Oh, God. We're gonna fuck this up, aren't we? 1668 01:33:35,541 --> 01:33:38,291 Dagnabbit! I think we missed it, E's. 129651