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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,102 --> 00:00:02,102 >> Biscayne: TONIGHT ON 2 00:00:02,103 --> 00:00:03,173 "NEWSREADERS" -- WE'LL MEET THE 3 00:00:03,171 --> 00:00:04,171 MAN WITH THE WORLD'S MOST 4 00:00:04,172 --> 00:00:06,012 AWKWARD FIST-BUMP. 5 00:00:08,242 --> 00:00:09,442 ALSO, THE FIVE-SECOND RULE -- 6 00:00:09,443 --> 00:00:10,613 IT'S OKAY TO EAT FOOD THAT'S 7 00:00:10,611 --> 00:00:12,311 BEEN ON THE GROUND FOR LESS THAN 8 00:00:12,313 --> 00:00:13,113 FIVE SECONDS. 9 00:00:13,114 --> 00:00:14,554 BUT DOES THAT SAME RULE APPLY TO 10 00:00:14,548 --> 00:00:15,578 SOUP? 11 00:00:15,583 --> 00:00:17,593 ALL THAT AND S'MORES... 12 00:00:17,585 --> 00:00:19,145 [Muffled] TODAY ON 13 00:00:19,153 --> 00:00:21,363 "NEWSREADERS." 14 00:00:30,331 --> 00:00:32,331 ROSWELL, NEW MEXICO -- SOME CALL 15 00:00:32,333 --> 00:00:33,433 IT THE ALIEN CAPITAL OF THE 16 00:00:33,434 --> 00:00:34,144 WORLD. 17 00:00:34,135 --> 00:00:35,435 BUT IS IT ALL A HOAX, LIKE 18 00:00:35,436 --> 00:00:37,206 POSTPARTUM DEPRESSION? 19 00:00:37,205 --> 00:00:39,235 OR CAN IT BE PROVEN, LIKE THE 20 00:00:39,240 --> 00:00:40,340 EXISTENCE OF GOD? 21 00:00:40,341 --> 00:00:41,481 SADEE DEENUS WILL LET YOU KNOW 22 00:00:41,475 --> 00:00:42,535 AFTER SHE DOES A COUPLE OF 23 00:00:42,543 --> 00:00:43,483 INTERVIEWS AND STUFF. 24 00:00:43,477 --> 00:00:45,547 YOU KNOW THE DEAL. 25 00:00:45,579 --> 00:00:47,749 >> ROSWELL, NEW MEXICO. 26 00:00:47,748 --> 00:00:49,478 EXTRA-TERRESTRIALS HAVE BEEN 27 00:00:49,483 --> 00:00:50,683 COMING HERE FOR YEARS. 28 00:00:50,684 --> 00:00:52,294 SOME SAY THEY COME HERE FOR THE 29 00:00:52,286 --> 00:00:53,446 DRY HEAT, WHICH IS GOOD FOR 30 00:00:53,454 --> 00:00:54,664 ALIEN ARTHRITIS. 31 00:00:54,655 --> 00:00:56,315 OTHERS SAY THEY DON'T KNOW WHY 32 00:00:56,324 --> 00:00:57,534 THE ALIENS COME HERE, SO WHY 33 00:00:57,525 --> 00:00:58,125 ASK? 34 00:00:58,126 --> 00:00:59,426 WHAT ARE YOU, TRYING TO WRITE A 35 00:00:59,460 --> 00:01:00,430 BOOK OR SOMETHING? 36 00:01:00,428 --> 00:01:01,698 BUT OTHERS, LIKE LOCAL 37 00:01:01,695 --> 00:01:03,225 COMIC-BOOK-STORE OWNER 38 00:01:03,231 --> 00:01:05,501 PAT FENIS, SAY SOMETHING TOTALLY 39 00:01:05,499 --> 00:01:06,499 DIFFERENT. 40 00:01:06,500 --> 00:01:08,470 >> ROSWELL IS NO MORE INFESTED 41 00:01:08,469 --> 00:01:10,399 WITH ALIENS THAN A PRE-JUSTICE 42 00:01:10,404 --> 00:01:12,614 LEAGUE BATMAN COMIC. 43 00:01:12,606 --> 00:01:13,636 >> I DON'T GET THE REFERENCE, 44 00:01:13,641 --> 00:01:14,681 MAINLY BECAUSE I'M PRETTY AND I 45 00:01:14,675 --> 00:01:15,635 WORK OUT. 46 00:01:15,643 --> 00:01:16,513 >> OH, OF COURSE. SORRY. 47 00:01:16,510 --> 00:01:17,750 ALIENS DON'T EXIST. 48 00:01:17,745 --> 00:01:19,505 ROSWELL'S JUST A NORMAL, 49 00:01:19,513 --> 00:01:21,453 ORDINARY TOWN WITH ONE LITTLE 50 00:01:21,449 --> 00:01:22,219 QUIRK. 51 00:01:22,216 --> 00:01:23,646 >> THERE'S NO WHOLE FOODS? 52 00:01:23,651 --> 00:01:24,621 >> NO, WE GOT A WHOLE FOODS 53 00:01:24,618 --> 00:01:25,418 EXPRESS INSIDE THE 54 00:01:25,419 --> 00:01:26,189 BARNES & NOBLE. 55 00:01:26,187 --> 00:01:27,387 >> SO, ROSWELL IS JUST AN 56 00:01:27,388 --> 00:01:28,418 ORDINARY TOWN. 57 00:01:28,422 --> 00:01:31,192 >> IT'S NOT AN ORDINARY TOWN. 58 00:01:31,192 --> 00:01:32,762 ROSWELL IS HAUNTED. 59 00:01:32,760 --> 00:01:34,430 >> WITH ALIENS. 60 00:01:34,428 --> 00:01:35,158 >> NO. 61 00:01:35,163 --> 00:01:36,363 ALIENS DON'T HAUNT. 62 00:01:36,364 --> 00:01:38,234 THEY INVADE, THEY INFEST, OR 63 00:01:38,232 --> 00:01:38,802 THEY VISIT. 64 00:01:38,799 --> 00:01:40,199 SOMETIMES, THEY COME FROM A 65 00:01:40,201 --> 00:01:40,801 DYING PLANET TO BECOME 66 00:01:40,801 --> 00:01:42,571 SUPERHEROES. 67 00:01:45,206 --> 00:01:45,766 >> I DON'T -- 68 00:01:45,773 --> 00:01:46,543 >> SUPERMAN. 69 00:01:46,540 --> 00:01:47,180 >> OH. 70 00:01:47,175 --> 00:01:47,675 >> JESUS CHRIST. 71 00:01:47,675 --> 00:01:48,735 YOU'RE AMERICAN, RIGHT? 72 00:01:48,742 --> 00:01:51,682 >> SUPERMAN. 73 00:01:51,679 --> 00:01:53,579 NAN RAFT HEADS THE ROSWELL BOARD 74 00:01:53,581 --> 00:01:55,351 OF TOURISM, AND SHE DISPUTES 75 00:01:55,349 --> 00:01:56,519 PAT'S ALLEGATIONS... 76 00:01:56,517 --> 00:01:58,617 EXCEPT ABOUT THE WHOLE FOODS. 77 00:01:58,619 --> 00:02:00,549 >> PAT FENIS HAS A WONKY SPINE 78 00:02:00,554 --> 00:02:02,764 AND WEARS ORTHOPEDIC REEBOKS. 79 00:02:02,756 --> 00:02:04,426 AND HIS LIPS ARE ALWAYS WET. 80 00:02:04,425 --> 00:02:04,785 >> NO, I KNOW. 81 00:02:04,792 --> 00:02:05,562 HE'S LIKE THIS -- 82 00:02:05,559 --> 00:02:06,329 HE DOES LIKE... 83 00:02:06,327 --> 00:02:06,757 [ LIPS SMACKING ] 84 00:02:06,760 --> 00:02:07,600 LIKE, THAT SOUND. 85 00:02:07,595 --> 00:02:08,425 IT'S, LIKE, GROSS. 86 00:02:08,429 --> 00:02:09,429 HE'S, LIKE, GROSS. 87 00:02:09,430 --> 00:02:10,800 >> SO, I THINK IT'S SAFE TO SAY 88 00:02:10,798 --> 00:02:13,428 THAT ROSWELL IS TEEMING WITH 89 00:02:13,434 --> 00:02:14,374 ALIENS. 90 00:02:14,368 --> 00:02:15,398 >> WHAT EVIDENCE DO YOU HAVE TO 91 00:02:15,403 --> 00:02:17,243 SUPPORT THAT CLAIM? 92 00:02:17,238 --> 00:02:18,368 >> BESIDES THE REEBOKS? 93 00:02:18,372 --> 00:02:18,772 >> MM-HMM. 94 00:02:18,772 --> 00:02:20,472 >> WELL, I THINK IT'S IMPORTANT 95 00:02:20,474 --> 00:02:22,644 FOR ALL AMERICANS TO COME HERE 96 00:02:22,643 --> 00:02:24,553 AND SEE FOR THEMSELVES. 97 00:02:24,545 --> 00:02:26,675 AND IF NOTHING HAPPENS DURING 98 00:02:26,680 --> 00:02:28,450 THEIR TRIP, WELL, THEN, THEY 99 00:02:28,449 --> 00:02:30,249 STILL GET TO WALK AWAY WITH A 100 00:02:30,251 --> 00:02:31,721 T-SHIRT, A BUMPER STICKER, AND 101 00:02:31,719 --> 00:02:33,549 GREAT MEMORIES OF ALL THE GOOD 102 00:02:33,554 --> 00:02:35,424 PEOPLE THEY'VE MET HERE. 103 00:02:35,423 --> 00:02:36,623 >> I SAT DOWN WITH SOME OF THESE 104 00:02:36,624 --> 00:02:38,364 GREAT-MEMORIES PROVIDERS AT A 105 00:02:38,359 --> 00:02:39,789 LOCAL DINER CALLED BISCUITS AND 106 00:02:39,793 --> 00:02:41,563 GREYS-VY TO GET TO THE BOTTOM 107 00:02:41,562 --> 00:02:43,232 OF THIS ALIEN/GHOST DEBATE. 108 00:02:43,231 --> 00:02:43,701 >> GHOSTS? 109 00:02:43,697 --> 00:02:44,727 >> YES. 110 00:02:45,266 --> 00:02:45,696 >> PLEASE. 111 00:02:45,699 --> 00:02:47,299 LISTEN, HERE'S THE STORY. 112 00:02:47,301 --> 00:02:48,641 ONE NIGHT, I WAS IN MY STORE, 113 00:02:48,636 --> 00:02:50,366 LITTLE GREEN MENSWEAR -- A BIG 114 00:02:50,371 --> 00:02:51,741 AND TALL SHOP FOR MEN WHO ARE 115 00:02:51,739 --> 00:02:53,439 SHORT AND SMALL -- AND ALL OF 116 00:02:53,441 --> 00:02:54,781 A SUDDEN, IT GOT REAL COLD, 117 00:02:54,775 --> 00:02:56,575 AND ALL THESE FLIES APPEARED ON 118 00:02:56,577 --> 00:02:57,507 ALL THE WINDOWS. 119 00:02:57,511 --> 00:02:58,781 AND I HEAR A VOICE THAT IS 120 00:02:58,779 --> 00:02:59,679 DEFINITELY AN 121 00:02:59,680 --> 00:03:01,450 EXTRA-TERRESTRIAL'S VOICE SAY, 122 00:03:01,449 --> 00:03:03,619 "GET OUT." 123 00:03:03,617 --> 00:03:05,447 >> I'M NOT AN EXPERT, WAYNE, BUT 124 00:03:05,453 --> 00:03:06,653 THAT SOUNDS TO ME LIKE A CLASSIC 125 00:03:06,654 --> 00:03:09,464 ENCOUNTER WITH A GHOST. 126 00:03:09,457 --> 00:03:10,617 >> WELL, I WOULD AGREE. 127 00:03:10,624 --> 00:03:12,294 YOU ARE NOT AN EXPERT. 128 00:03:12,293 --> 00:03:13,633 >> I'VE HAD DIRECT CONTACT WITH 129 00:03:13,627 --> 00:03:14,327 AN E.T. 130 00:03:14,328 --> 00:03:14,628 >> OH. 131 00:03:14,628 --> 00:03:15,858 >> I WAS UP LATE ONE NIGHT, 132 00:03:15,863 --> 00:03:17,333 WORKING ON POTTERY WHEEL, 133 00:03:17,331 --> 00:03:18,501 LISTENING TO "UNCHAINED MELODY." 134 00:03:18,499 --> 00:03:19,629 AND ALL OF A SUDDEN, OUT OF 135 00:03:19,633 --> 00:03:21,373 NOWHERE, AN ALIEN PRESENCE COMES 136 00:03:21,369 --> 00:03:22,569 BEHIND ME, SLIDES ITS ARMS 137 00:03:22,570 --> 00:03:24,440 AROUND ME. 138 00:03:24,438 --> 00:03:26,638 WE FELL IN LOVE. 139 00:03:26,640 --> 00:03:27,580 HE STAYED TILL THE END OF THE 140 00:03:27,575 --> 00:03:29,505 SONG, HELPED ME MAKE THAT POT. 141 00:03:29,510 --> 00:03:30,540 >> VERY MOVING. 142 00:03:30,544 --> 00:03:32,384 >> THAT SOUNDS LIKE A FAMOUS 143 00:03:32,380 --> 00:03:34,750 SCENE FROM THE MOVIE "GHOST." 144 00:03:34,748 --> 00:03:36,648 >> YOU'RE RIGHT ABOUT ONE THING. 145 00:03:36,650 --> 00:03:38,450 IT WAS A REAL TEAR-JERKER OF A 146 00:03:38,452 --> 00:03:39,492 CLOSE ENCOUNTER. 147 00:03:39,487 --> 00:03:40,617 >> EVERYBODY'S GOT STORIES LIKE 148 00:03:40,621 --> 00:03:41,291 THAT. 149 00:03:41,289 --> 00:03:42,789 I WAS DOWN AT THE SPACE BAR ON 150 00:03:42,790 --> 00:03:44,630 TRIVIA NIGHT, GETTING HOUSED ON 151 00:03:44,625 --> 00:03:46,425 SHOCKERS. 152 00:03:46,427 --> 00:03:47,827 ONE MINUTE, I'M ENJOYING MY 153 00:03:47,828 --> 00:03:50,398 FAVORITE SPICED LIQUEUR, THE 154 00:03:50,398 --> 00:03:52,668 NEXT, I'M DOWN AT SOME ALIEN'S 155 00:03:52,666 --> 00:03:53,766 TRAILER OVER ON GREENSBORO, 156 00:03:53,767 --> 00:03:55,337 GETTING PROBED BY HIM AND ONE OF 157 00:03:55,336 --> 00:03:55,896 HIS ALIEN BUDDIES... 158 00:03:55,903 --> 00:04:00,473 FOR FIVE HOURS. 159 00:04:00,474 --> 00:04:02,544 >> WES, THAT WASN'T ANY ALIENS. 160 00:04:02,543 --> 00:04:03,743 YOU JUST HOOKED UP WITH A COUPLE 161 00:04:03,744 --> 00:04:04,414 OF DUDES. 162 00:04:04,412 --> 00:04:05,382 >> GOD DAMN IT, WAYNE! 163 00:04:05,379 --> 00:04:06,379 >> DUDE, YOU WERE HOOKING UP 164 00:04:06,380 --> 00:04:06,950 WITH A COUPLE OF DUDES! 165 00:04:06,947 --> 00:04:08,547 >> JUST BECAUSE I'M GAY, I CAN'T 166 00:04:08,549 --> 00:04:09,819 GET ABDUCTED BY ALIENS? 167 00:04:09,817 --> 00:04:10,817 WHY DON'T YOU GROW UP? 168 00:04:10,818 --> 00:04:11,948 NOT EVERY GAY MAN IS OBSESSED 169 00:04:11,952 --> 00:04:12,892 WITH ANAL SEX, OKAY? 170 00:04:12,886 --> 00:04:14,416 >> WELL, BUT YOU ARE OBSESSED 171 00:04:14,422 --> 00:04:14,822 WITH ANAL SEX. 172 00:04:14,822 --> 00:04:16,422 >> AND THERE'S NOTHING WRONG -- 173 00:04:16,424 --> 00:04:17,594 >> YES, I AM, BUT THE TWO DON'T 174 00:04:17,591 --> 00:04:19,361 CANCEL EACH OTHER OUT. 175 00:04:19,360 --> 00:04:20,690 I CAN BE OBSESSED WITH ANAL SEX 176 00:04:20,694 --> 00:04:22,404 AND THEN ALSO GET ANALLY PROBED 177 00:04:22,396 --> 00:04:22,826 BY ALIENS. 178 00:04:22,830 --> 00:04:24,370 >> THERE ARE NO ALIENS. 179 00:04:24,365 --> 00:04:25,795 THIS PLACE IS LOUSY WITH GHOSTS. 180 00:04:25,799 --> 00:04:27,399 >> HOW CAN YOU BE SURE? 181 00:04:27,401 --> 00:04:28,841 >> ALL OF ROSWELL IS BUILT ON 182 00:04:28,836 --> 00:04:30,536 TOP OF A MASSIVE MESCALERO 183 00:04:30,538 --> 00:04:31,508 BURIAL GROUND. 184 00:04:31,505 --> 00:04:33,505 PLUS, THERE'S THAT OLD INSANE 185 00:04:33,507 --> 00:04:35,437 ASYLUM THAT'S NOW A HOTEL. 186 00:04:35,443 --> 00:04:36,783 THERE'S THAT VICTORIAN ORPHANAGE 187 00:04:36,777 --> 00:04:38,447 WHERE ALL THOSE KIDS DIED IN A 188 00:04:38,446 --> 00:04:38,706 FIRE. 189 00:04:38,712 --> 00:04:39,852 >> SO, THEN, WHY ALL THE ALIEN 190 00:04:39,847 --> 00:04:40,607 HOO-HA? 191 00:04:40,614 --> 00:04:41,724 >> LOOK AT THE ECONOMY OF 192 00:04:41,715 --> 00:04:42,375 ROSWELL. 193 00:04:42,383 --> 00:04:43,583 WHO WOULD STAND TO BENEFIT FROM 194 00:04:43,584 --> 00:04:44,724 DRUMMING UP ALL THIS ALIEN 195 00:04:44,718 --> 00:04:46,748 NONSENSE? 196 00:04:46,754 --> 00:04:48,824 FOLLOW THE MONEY. 197 00:04:52,460 --> 00:04:53,590 OKAY, "FOLLOW THE MONEY" FROM 198 00:04:53,594 --> 00:04:54,604 THE MOVIE "ALL THE PRESIDENT'S 199 00:04:54,595 --> 00:04:55,695 MEN"? 200 00:04:55,696 --> 00:04:57,596 >> AH! YES! RIGHT. 201 00:04:57,598 --> 00:04:58,398 CUBA GOODING JR. 202 00:04:58,399 --> 00:04:58,629 >> NO. 203 00:04:58,632 --> 00:05:00,872 >> FOLLOW THE MONEY, TOM CRUISE! 204 00:05:00,868 --> 00:05:02,498 FOLLOW THE MONEY! 205 00:05:02,503 --> 00:05:03,003 >> KIND OF RACIST. 206 00:05:03,003 --> 00:05:03,743 YOU KNOW WHAT? 207 00:05:03,737 --> 00:05:04,767 YOU JUST NEED TO GO TALK TO 208 00:05:04,772 --> 00:05:05,772 NAN RAFT. 209 00:05:05,773 --> 00:05:06,873 SHE RUNS THE TOURISM BOARD. 210 00:05:06,874 --> 00:05:07,614 >> OH, GOD. 211 00:05:07,608 --> 00:05:08,378 DO I HAVE TO? 212 00:05:08,376 --> 00:05:09,736 I ALREADY TALKED TO HER. 213 00:05:09,743 --> 00:05:10,983 >> LOOK, CAN, UH -- 214 00:05:10,978 --> 00:05:12,478 CAN WE SPEAK OFF THE RECORD? 215 00:05:12,480 --> 00:05:13,680 >> WE CAN SPEAK OFF THE RECORD, 216 00:05:13,681 --> 00:05:14,881 BUT I'M GONNA KEEP THESE CAMERAS 217 00:05:14,882 --> 00:05:15,722 RUNNING. 218 00:05:15,716 --> 00:05:17,616 >> THERE ARE NO ALIENS, OKAY? 219 00:05:17,618 --> 00:05:19,848 ROSWELL IS HAUNTED. 220 00:05:19,853 --> 00:05:20,823 >> THEN WHY THE HOAX? 221 00:05:20,821 --> 00:05:21,861 WHY ALL THE ALIEN STUFF? 222 00:05:21,855 --> 00:05:23,015 WHY NOT JUST CALL IT A "GHOST 223 00:05:23,023 --> 00:05:23,623 TOWN"? 224 00:05:23,624 --> 00:05:25,034 >> NOBODY WANTS TO COME HERE TO 225 00:05:25,025 --> 00:05:25,825 BE HAUNTED. 226 00:05:25,826 --> 00:05:27,496 AND THE MARGINS ON THE GHOST 227 00:05:27,495 --> 00:05:28,855 SOUVENIRS AREN'T ANYWHERE NEAR 228 00:05:28,862 --> 00:05:30,962 AS GOOD AS THE ALIEN STUFF. 229 00:05:30,964 --> 00:05:35,474 WE ARE HURTING FOR CASH. 230 00:05:35,469 --> 00:05:36,639 WE'RE HAVING A HARD TIME EVEN 231 00:05:36,637 --> 00:05:39,407 ATTRACTING A DECENT WHOLE FOODS. 232 00:05:39,407 --> 00:05:40,667 >> ONE THING'S FOR SURE -- 233 00:05:40,674 --> 00:05:42,414 THE THING CAUSING THE BIGGEST 234 00:05:42,410 --> 00:05:43,840 DISTURBANCE IN ROSWELL IS THE 235 00:05:43,844 --> 00:05:45,684 ALMIGHTY DOLLAR... 236 00:05:45,679 --> 00:05:46,649 LITERALLY. 237 00:05:46,647 --> 00:05:47,647 AFTER OUR INTERVIEW WITH 238 00:05:47,648 --> 00:05:48,978 NAN RAFT, WE STUMBLED ACROSS 239 00:05:48,982 --> 00:05:51,922 THIS -- A TRAIL OF COINS. 240 00:05:51,919 --> 00:05:53,819 THE MISCHIEF MAKERS IN ROSWELL 241 00:05:53,821 --> 00:05:55,521 AREN'T GHOSTS OR ALIENS. 242 00:05:55,523 --> 00:05:57,433 YOU NEED ONLY FOLLOW THE MONEY 243 00:05:57,425 --> 00:05:59,725 TO SEE THAT ROSWELL, NEW MEXICO, 244 00:05:59,727 --> 00:06:00,927 IS INFESTED... 245 00:06:00,928 --> 00:06:02,798 WITH LEPRECHAUNS. 246 00:06:02,796 --> 00:06:04,496 AND IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE THERE'S 247 00:06:04,498 --> 00:06:05,698 A POT OF GOLD GLOWING UNDER A 248 00:06:05,699 --> 00:06:06,869 RAINBOW AT THE END OF THIS 249 00:06:06,867 --> 00:06:08,897 TRAIL, WELL, YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO 250 00:06:08,936 --> 00:06:10,666 SEE FOR YOURSELF. 251 00:06:10,671 --> 00:06:12,011 AND WHILE YOU'RE HERE, STOP BY 252 00:06:12,005 --> 00:06:13,765 SADEE O'DEENUS' PUB FOR A PINT 253 00:06:13,774 --> 00:06:14,484 OF ALE. 254 00:06:14,475 --> 00:06:15,735 TUESDAY NIGHT'S KARAOKE AND 255 00:06:15,743 --> 00:06:17,453 THURSDAY NIGHT'S TRIVIA NIGHT. 256 00:06:17,445 --> 00:06:18,545 FOR "NEWSREADERS," I'M 257 00:06:18,579 --> 00:06:20,509 SADEE DEENUS. 258 00:06:20,514 --> 00:06:21,954 >> Biscayne: ALIENS ARE A BIG 259 00:06:21,949 --> 00:06:23,779 BUSINESS, BUT NOTHING LIKE THE 260 00:06:23,784 --> 00:06:24,824 WEDDING BUSINESS. 261 00:06:24,818 --> 00:06:26,518 THE WEDDING INDUSTRY IS A 262 00:06:26,520 --> 00:06:27,920 $72 BILLION-A-YEAR BUSINESS. 263 00:06:27,921 --> 00:06:29,791 AND WE SENT SKIP REMING TO TAKE 264 00:06:29,790 --> 00:06:31,890 US INSIDE THE MODERN WEDDING. 265 00:06:31,892 --> 00:06:33,562 SKIP? 266 00:06:33,561 --> 00:06:34,761 >> THANK YOU, BLOND LOUIS. 267 00:06:34,762 --> 00:06:36,062 WHAT PASSES FOR NUPTIALS THESE 268 00:06:36,063 --> 00:06:37,673 DAYS WOULD HAVE OUR FOUNDING 269 00:06:37,665 --> 00:06:38,965 FATHERS RUBBING THEIR NAMES OFF 270 00:06:38,966 --> 00:06:40,996 THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE. 271 00:06:41,001 --> 00:06:42,801 EVEN THAT FLUFFY SHOW-OFF 272 00:06:42,803 --> 00:06:44,513 HANCOCK. 273 00:06:44,505 --> 00:06:45,765 >> TO GET THE LOW-DOWN ON MODERN 274 00:06:45,773 --> 00:06:47,783 NUPTIALS, I POPPED A SQUAT WITH 275 00:06:47,775 --> 00:06:49,705 WEDDING PLANNER EMILY KOVICKS. 276 00:06:49,710 --> 00:06:51,550 >> I GOT INTO THE BUSINESS 277 00:06:51,545 --> 00:06:53,905 BECAUSE I'M JUST A WEDDING NUT. 278 00:06:53,914 --> 00:06:55,524 >> HEY, SPEAKING OF NUTS, YOU 279 00:06:55,516 --> 00:06:56,716 KNOW, BEFORE THEY NAMED THEM 280 00:06:56,717 --> 00:06:57,947 CASHEWS, WE USED TO CALL THEM 281 00:06:57,951 --> 00:06:59,851 WOODEN EARS. 282 00:06:59,853 --> 00:07:00,993 AND DON'T EVEN ASK WHAT WE 283 00:07:00,988 --> 00:07:02,688 CALLED BOILED FILBERTS. 284 00:07:02,690 --> 00:07:03,690 >> [ CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY ] 285 00:07:03,691 --> 00:07:04,661 >> [ LAUGHS ] 286 00:07:04,658 --> 00:07:06,558 SO, TELL ME, WHY ALL THE HOO-HA 287 00:07:06,560 --> 00:07:07,600 ABOUT WEDDINGS? 288 00:07:07,595 --> 00:07:09,055 >> WELL, IT'S, YOU KNOW, AN 289 00:07:09,062 --> 00:07:10,962 OPPORTUNITY FOR THE COUPLE TO 290 00:07:10,964 --> 00:07:12,934 DEBUT THEMSELVES AS MARRIED FOR 291 00:07:12,933 --> 00:07:13,973 THE FIRST TIME. 292 00:07:13,967 --> 00:07:15,497 IT'S REALLY SPECIAL. 293 00:07:15,503 --> 00:07:16,603 >> WHY CAN'T PEOPLE JUST GET 294 00:07:16,604 --> 00:07:17,774 PREGNANT, SHOTGUN IT, AND THEN 295 00:07:17,771 --> 00:07:18,971 KEEP THE BABY IN THE CELLAR FOR 296 00:07:18,972 --> 00:07:20,512 NINE MONTHS UNTIL THEY CAN JOIN 297 00:07:20,508 --> 00:07:23,908 A GOOD CHURCH LIKE WE USED TO? 298 00:07:23,911 --> 00:07:25,611 >> UH, WELL, IT'S -- 299 00:07:25,613 --> 00:07:27,653 WEDDINGS ARE A CHANCE FOR, YOU 300 00:07:27,648 --> 00:07:30,078 KNOW, A COUPLE TO REALLY EXPRESS 301 00:07:30,083 --> 00:07:31,993 THEIR PERSONALITIES. 302 00:07:31,985 --> 00:07:34,085 >> AH, AND WHO BOUGHT YOU, 303 00:07:34,087 --> 00:07:34,987 SISTER? 304 00:07:34,988 --> 00:07:36,618 HUH? 305 00:07:36,624 --> 00:07:38,594 YOU GOT A MAN YOU CAN EXPRESS 306 00:07:38,592 --> 00:07:40,762 YOURSELF AGAINST COME NIGHTFALL? 307 00:07:40,761 --> 00:07:43,001 HMM? 308 00:07:42,996 --> 00:07:45,126 >> I HAVE A BOYFRIEND. 309 00:07:45,132 --> 00:07:46,772 IT'S BEEN ONLY SIX MONTHS, SO 310 00:07:46,767 --> 00:07:47,597 WE'RE NOT MARRIED. 311 00:07:47,601 --> 00:07:48,771 >> WELL, THEN, YOU'RE STILL 312 00:07:48,769 --> 00:07:50,669 GAME. 313 00:07:50,671 --> 00:07:54,011 >> UM... 314 00:07:54,007 --> 00:07:56,677 NO. I'M NOT G-GAME... 315 00:07:56,677 --> 00:07:58,647 FOR ANYTHING. 316 00:07:58,646 --> 00:08:00,976 >> WELL, IT WAS A THOUGHT. 317 00:08:00,981 --> 00:08:02,151 >> YEAH... 318 00:08:02,149 --> 00:08:04,119 >> EMILY WAS KIND ENOUGH TO LET 319 00:08:04,117 --> 00:08:05,917 US TAG ALONG TO ONE OF THE 320 00:08:05,919 --> 00:08:08,019 WEDDINGS THAT SHE HAD PLANNED. 321 00:08:08,021 --> 00:08:08,991 WAIT A MINUTE, THERE'S TWO BOYS 322 00:08:08,989 --> 00:08:09,989 ON TOP OF THAT CAKE. 323 00:08:09,990 --> 00:08:11,660 THAT'S NOT RIGHT, IS IT? 324 00:08:11,659 --> 00:08:15,199 YOU HAVE TO FIX THAT. 325 00:08:15,195 --> 00:08:16,655 FORTUNATELY, WE WERE ABLE TO 326 00:08:16,664 --> 00:08:18,934 FIND ANOTHER WEDDING NEARBY, ONE 327 00:08:18,932 --> 00:08:20,872 THAT GOD WOULDN'T HAVE A PROBLEM 328 00:08:20,868 --> 00:08:21,198 WITH. 329 00:08:21,201 --> 00:08:22,671 UH, NO, THANKS, 330 00:08:22,670 --> 00:08:23,770 SUSAN B. ANTHONY. 331 00:08:23,771 --> 00:08:26,111 I'LL WAIT FOR THE MAN PARKER. 332 00:08:30,143 --> 00:08:31,213 THERE'S NOTHING ABOUT WEDDINGS 333 00:08:31,211 --> 00:08:32,851 THAT'S FAMILIAR ANYMORE. 334 00:08:32,846 --> 00:08:34,616 MEN GO TO COUPLE SHOWERS AND TO 335 00:08:34,615 --> 00:08:35,845 BACHELOR PARTIES WHERE THEY 336 00:08:35,849 --> 00:08:37,219 DRINK COCKTAILS THAT ALL END IN 337 00:08:37,217 --> 00:08:38,787 "TINI" AND DON'T START WITH GIN, 338 00:08:38,786 --> 00:08:39,846 INSTEAD OF GETTING THEIR FACES 339 00:08:39,853 --> 00:08:41,623 ALL GLAZED UP LIKE A BOX OF 340 00:08:41,622 --> 00:08:42,792 DOUGHNUTS. 341 00:08:45,793 --> 00:08:46,963 HEY, IF I WANTED SCOTCH, I WOULD 342 00:08:46,960 --> 00:08:48,100 HAVE ORDERED IT WITH A LISP. 343 00:08:48,095 --> 00:08:49,225 A REAL WHISKEY COMES FROM ONE 344 00:08:49,229 --> 00:08:50,899 PLACE AND ONE PLACE ONLY -- 345 00:08:50,898 --> 00:08:51,228 CANADA. 346 00:08:51,231 --> 00:08:52,871 NOW, COME ON, SON, LET'S START 347 00:08:52,866 --> 00:08:53,966 THAT FIRE IN MY BELLY! 348 00:08:53,967 --> 00:08:56,137 COME ON. 349 00:08:56,136 --> 00:08:57,666 MODERN WEDDINGS. 350 00:08:57,671 --> 00:08:59,041 IT'S ALL GONE TO HELL. 351 00:08:59,039 --> 00:09:00,109 >> ARE YOU WITH THE BRIDE OR 352 00:09:00,107 --> 00:09:00,837 GROOM? 353 00:09:00,841 --> 00:09:02,211 >> I'M WITH THE PRESS, KIDDO. 354 00:09:02,209 --> 00:09:03,109 >> THE PRESS? 355 00:09:03,110 --> 00:09:05,010 >> THE ANGLICAN PRESS, NOT THOSE 356 00:09:05,012 --> 00:09:06,852 WOP REPORTERS STANDING IN THE 357 00:09:06,847 --> 00:09:07,647 BACK. 358 00:09:07,648 --> 00:09:09,918 >> THAT'S THE GROOM'S FAMILY. 359 00:09:09,917 --> 00:09:12,117 >> OH, THIS IS A DAGO AFFAIR? 360 00:09:12,119 --> 00:09:16,259 GOOD THING I BROUGHT MY KNIFE. 361 00:09:16,256 --> 00:09:17,786 [ WAGNER'S "BRIDAL CHORUS" 362 00:09:17,791 --> 00:09:19,761 PLAYS ] 363 00:09:19,760 --> 00:09:21,130 THESE DAYS, THE BRIDE WALKS 364 00:09:21,128 --> 00:09:23,998 HERSELF DOWN THE AISLE, AND 365 00:09:23,997 --> 00:09:25,727 PRIESTS AND RABBIS WORK 366 00:09:25,733 --> 00:09:27,273 TOGETHER, LIKE IN SOME KIND OF 367 00:09:27,267 --> 00:09:28,737 PULPY, DIME-STORE, 368 00:09:28,736 --> 00:09:29,996 SCIENCE-FICTION BOOK. 369 00:09:30,003 --> 00:09:31,813 THE ONLY TIME A PRIEST AND A 370 00:09:31,805 --> 00:09:33,865 RABBI SHOULD EVER BE TOGETHER IS 371 00:09:33,874 --> 00:09:35,784 WHEN THEY WALK INTO A BAR. 372 00:09:35,776 --> 00:09:38,276 [ LAUGHS ] 373 00:09:38,278 --> 00:09:40,078 >> A READING FROM THE APACHE 374 00:09:40,080 --> 00:09:41,110 WEDDING PRAYER. 375 00:09:41,114 --> 00:09:43,024 >> THE ONLY APACHE I EVER KNEW 376 00:09:43,016 --> 00:09:44,846 WAS A WRESTLER BY THE NAME OF 377 00:09:44,852 --> 00:09:46,152 APACHE JOE, AND HE WAS A 378 00:09:46,153 --> 00:09:47,893 MEXICAN. 379 00:09:47,888 --> 00:09:50,718 >> AND I VOW TO LISTEN -- 380 00:09:50,724 --> 00:09:53,894 NOT ONLY WITH MY EARS, BUT ALSO 381 00:09:53,894 --> 00:09:54,964 WITH MY HEART. 382 00:09:54,962 --> 00:09:56,702 >> HA HA. 383 00:09:56,697 --> 00:09:57,927 >> SHH. 384 00:09:57,931 --> 00:09:59,871 >> I WILL NOT BE SHUSHED BY A 385 00:09:59,867 --> 00:10:02,867 METHODIST. 386 00:10:02,870 --> 00:10:04,170 THE WEDDING RECEPTION IS STILL A 387 00:10:04,171 --> 00:10:05,271 PLACE WHERE YOU CAN GET 388 00:10:05,272 --> 00:10:06,912 COCKEYED, AND, IF YOU'RE LUCKY, 389 00:10:06,907 --> 00:10:08,707 DIP YOUR GIGGLE STICK INTO SOME 390 00:10:08,709 --> 00:10:10,879 LUCKY SKIRT'S DILLYPOT. 391 00:10:10,878 --> 00:10:13,248 SKIP REMING'S THE NAME, AND THE 392 00:10:13,246 --> 00:10:15,016 BATHTUB IS ALWAYS WARM IN 393 00:10:15,015 --> 00:10:16,915 ROOM 206. 394 00:10:16,917 --> 00:10:18,817 [ GLASS CLINKING ] 395 00:10:18,819 --> 00:10:19,249 >> EXCUSE ME. 396 00:10:19,252 --> 00:10:20,152 I'M THE BEST MAN. 397 00:10:20,153 --> 00:10:21,253 >> OH, HERE'S THE BEST-MAN 398 00:10:21,254 --> 00:10:21,924 SPEECH. 399 00:10:21,922 --> 00:10:23,162 I HOPE YOU GIRLS LIKE STORIES 400 00:10:23,156 --> 00:10:24,686 ABOUT GETTING THE CRABS AND 401 00:10:24,692 --> 00:10:25,262 ALMOST DROWNING. 402 00:10:25,258 --> 00:10:26,228 [ LAUGHS ] 403 00:10:26,226 --> 00:10:27,956 >> [ CLEARS THROAT ] 404 00:10:27,961 --> 00:10:30,831 ANYWAY, UM, I MET BRIAN THE 405 00:10:30,831 --> 00:10:32,771 FIRST DAY OF YMCA BASKETBALL 406 00:10:32,766 --> 00:10:33,096 CAMP. 407 00:10:33,100 --> 00:10:34,070 >> AH, HERE COMES THE BIT WHERE 408 00:10:34,067 --> 00:10:35,297 HE LETS THE FATHER OF THE BRIDE 409 00:10:35,302 --> 00:10:37,342 KNOW THAT HIS SON-IN-LAW DOESN'T 410 00:10:37,337 --> 00:10:38,967 SHOOT BLANKS. 411 00:10:38,972 --> 00:10:40,712 [ LAUGHS ] 412 00:10:40,708 --> 00:10:41,908 >> I HAVE A FAMILY OF MY OWN 413 00:10:41,909 --> 00:10:42,179 NOW -- 414 00:10:42,175 --> 00:10:42,935 >> COME ON! 415 00:10:42,943 --> 00:10:44,043 GET TO THE TITTY STORIES! 416 00:10:44,044 --> 00:10:45,254 >> SIR, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO 417 00:10:45,245 --> 00:10:45,875 LEAVE. 418 00:10:45,879 --> 00:10:47,009 >> I'M NOT LEAVING TILL THE 419 00:10:47,014 --> 00:10:48,154 BRIDE'S FACE IS COVERED WITH 420 00:10:48,148 --> 00:10:49,248 FROSTING AND NOT A SECOND 421 00:10:49,249 --> 00:10:49,919 BEFORE. 422 00:10:49,917 --> 00:10:51,117 >> I'M NOT GONNA ASK YOU AGAIN. 423 00:10:51,118 --> 00:10:52,218 >> WELL, YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO 424 00:10:52,219 --> 00:10:53,719 AFTER I MAKE A NECKLACE OUT OF 425 00:10:53,721 --> 00:10:55,221 YOUR TONGUE. 426 00:10:55,222 --> 00:10:57,792 JUDO! 427 00:10:57,791 --> 00:10:59,091 OW! 428 00:10:59,092 --> 00:10:59,892 OH, YOU. 429 00:10:59,893 --> 00:11:01,833 I SHOT MEN IN THE JUNGLE, YOU 430 00:11:01,829 --> 00:11:03,959 POLICE ACADEMY REJECT. 431 00:11:03,964 --> 00:11:05,874 ROOM 206! 432 00:11:05,866 --> 00:11:07,796 206! 433 00:11:09,136 --> 00:11:10,866 >> Biscayne: TONIGHT, HUMORIST 434 00:11:10,871 --> 00:11:12,211 JIM DAVIDSON IS HERE WITH HIS 435 00:11:12,205 --> 00:11:13,905 SEGMENT, "THINGS THAT MAKE YOU 436 00:11:13,907 --> 00:11:15,177 GO 'JIM.'" 437 00:11:15,175 --> 00:11:16,775 JIM? 438 00:11:16,777 --> 00:11:17,847 >> YOU KNOW, SOME PEOPLE LIKE TO 439 00:11:17,845 --> 00:11:18,375 CHEW A STICK OF GUM. 440 00:11:18,378 --> 00:11:20,078 I KNOW I DO FROM TIME TO TIME. 441 00:11:20,080 --> 00:11:21,850 OTHER PEOPLE LIKE TO POP A PIECE 442 00:11:21,849 --> 00:11:22,249 OF CANDY. 443 00:11:22,249 --> 00:11:23,919 THE BIG QUESTION IS, WHICH IS 444 00:11:23,917 --> 00:11:24,277 BETTER? 445 00:11:24,284 --> 00:11:25,994 GUM VERSUS CANDY, THE BATTLE 446 00:11:25,986 --> 00:11:27,016 BEGINS RIGHT NOW. 447 00:11:27,020 --> 00:11:28,260 ALL RIGHT, LET'S START WITH GUM. 448 00:11:28,255 --> 00:11:29,385 YOU CHEW IT, AND THEN WHEN 449 00:11:29,389 --> 00:11:30,919 YOU'RE DONE WITH IT, YOU STILL 450 00:11:30,924 --> 00:11:32,134 HAVE IT AND YOU THROW IT AWAY. 451 00:11:32,125 --> 00:11:33,755 CANDY, YOU CHEW IT AND THEN IT'S 452 00:11:33,761 --> 00:11:33,991 GONE. 453 00:11:33,994 --> 00:11:36,264 SO, I GUESS GUM'S BETTER. 454 00:11:36,263 --> 00:11:37,973 >> Biscayne: THANKS, JIM. 455 00:11:37,965 --> 00:11:39,165 COMING UP NEXT WEEK ON 456 00:11:39,166 --> 00:11:40,996 "NEWSREADERS" -- WE'LL MEET THE 457 00:11:41,001 --> 00:11:42,871 FIRST HUMAN TO BE INFECTED WITH 458 00:11:42,870 --> 00:11:44,140 A COMPUTER VIRUS. 459 00:11:44,137 --> 00:11:46,267 SO, YOU TAKE ONE OF THESE TWICE 460 00:11:46,273 --> 00:11:47,113 A DAY? 461 00:11:47,107 --> 00:11:47,837 >> MM-HMM. 462 00:11:47,841 --> 00:11:48,341 >> Biscayne: I'M 463 00:11:48,341 --> 00:11:49,211 REAGAN BISCAYNE. 464 00:11:49,209 --> 00:11:51,279 GOOD NIGHT. 28933

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