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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:06,453 --> 00:00:07,914 I've been thinking... 2 00:00:08,298 --> 00:00:09,914 - Again? - No! 3 00:00:09,939 --> 00:00:12,493 Previously on "Kevin Can F*** Himself"... 4 00:00:14,791 --> 00:00:16,184 No! 5 00:00:16,209 --> 00:00:18,499 If I could start over, and go somewhere else... 6 00:00:18,524 --> 00:00:19,524 Sam. 7 00:00:19,549 --> 00:00:21,284 So, what'd I miss the last 15 years? 8 00:00:21,309 --> 00:00:22,344 What's this? 9 00:00:22,369 --> 00:00:23,672 We're moving. 10 00:00:24,505 --> 00:00:26,855 Wake the hell up. The account's empty. 11 00:00:26,880 --> 00:00:29,162 We decided we're staying. 12 00:00:29,187 --> 00:00:30,405 We did? 13 00:00:41,289 --> 00:00:43,900 So, this is, what? Seven days in a row? 14 00:00:44,202 --> 00:00:46,395 You're sweet to notice. 15 00:00:46,903 --> 00:00:48,774 It's my new ritual. 16 00:00:48,799 --> 00:00:51,262 A scone, a book, and some peace. 17 00:00:51,357 --> 00:00:52,750 Are you new to town? 18 00:00:52,775 --> 00:00:54,734 No. Lived here all my life, 19 00:00:54,759 --> 00:00:57,588 but I just never had any time for myself. 20 00:00:57,778 --> 00:00:59,736 But since my husband passed... 21 00:00:59,761 --> 00:01:02,004 Oh, I didn't realize. 22 00:01:02,168 --> 00:01:03,909 I'm a widow. 23 00:01:04,062 --> 00:01:05,848 How'd that happen? 24 00:01:06,146 --> 00:01:07,785 Oh, I killed him. 25 00:01:10,183 --> 00:01:11,445 Oh. 26 00:01:11,470 --> 00:01:12,770 Good for you, honey. 27 00:01:12,795 --> 00:01:15,014 It's gotta be tough not getting caught. 28 00:01:15,275 --> 00:01:16,754 How'd you do it? 29 00:01:21,944 --> 00:01:25,850 I don't know how I did it. 30 00:01:35,681 --> 00:01:36,766 What the hell is happening?! 31 00:01:36,790 --> 00:01:38,936 It's Belichick Hoodie Day! 32 00:01:38,961 --> 00:01:42,104 - What?! - It's Belichick Hoodie Day! 33 00:01:44,770 --> 00:01:46,108 Oh, no. 34 00:01:46,133 --> 00:01:47,710 You okay, babe? 35 00:01:48,574 --> 00:01:50,405 Definitely concussed. 36 00:01:50,430 --> 00:01:52,788 And any other day, that'd bother me. 37 00:01:52,813 --> 00:01:54,476 But not today! 38 00:01:54,977 --> 00:01:56,960 Don't you wanna ask me why? 39 00:01:58,302 --> 00:02:01,123 Because my genuine Bill Belichick sweatshirt... 40 00:02:01,148 --> 00:02:03,186 Cut at the sleeves like a boss 41 00:02:03,211 --> 00:02:05,169 and worn to at least two Pats games... 42 00:02:05,194 --> 00:02:07,304 Is arriving today! 43 00:02:07,329 --> 00:02:10,680 And, uh, how much you pay for a torn hoodie? 44 00:02:10,705 --> 00:02:12,961 I cannot and will not put a price 45 00:02:12,986 --> 00:02:15,851 on what the greatest coach of all time means to me. 46 00:02:15,876 --> 00:02:18,616 Okay, well, what price did the Internet put on it? 47 00:02:19,651 --> 00:02:22,327 More than our wedding, less than our car. 48 00:02:23,678 --> 00:02:26,899 Oh! I was having the nicest dream. 49 00:02:26,924 --> 00:02:28,839 Come on! You can sleep anytime! 50 00:02:28,864 --> 00:02:31,171 This is like Christmas morning! 51 00:02:31,871 --> 00:02:33,655 Okay, well, then, where's my present? 52 00:02:33,861 --> 00:02:35,202 Your present? 53 00:02:35,227 --> 00:02:38,538 Well, I'm the gift that keeps on giving, baby! 54 00:02:39,476 --> 00:02:41,946 Belichick Hoodie Day! 55 00:03:05,957 --> 00:03:07,625 I killed him. 56 00:03:28,904 --> 00:03:33,904 Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie www.addic7ed.com 57 00:03:46,458 --> 00:03:47,961 Hey. 58 00:03:48,382 --> 00:03:49,828 Hey. 59 00:03:52,619 --> 00:03:55,812 It's, uh... It's Bill Belichick Hoodie Day. 60 00:03:57,242 --> 00:03:58,983 Oh, yes. 61 00:03:59,026 --> 00:04:00,984 But I celebrate privately. 62 00:04:05,381 --> 00:04:07,805 Well, have a good one. 63 00:04:18,995 --> 00:04:20,518 Hey, where's our breakfast? 64 00:04:20,543 --> 00:04:22,545 You're not supposed to have favorites. 65 00:04:22,570 --> 00:04:24,006 Kevin's my husband. 66 00:04:24,031 --> 00:04:26,562 Yeah, Neil, breakfast is for family. 67 00:04:26,587 --> 00:04:28,749 See, Kevin's the husband, I'm the father-in-law. 68 00:04:28,774 --> 00:04:29,882 Yeah, and I'm like a brother. 69 00:04:29,906 --> 00:04:31,386 No, you're more like a cousin 70 00:04:31,411 --> 00:04:33,242 who just got out of jail for stalking. 71 00:04:34,213 --> 00:04:36,914 And everyone's secretly kind of hoping he goes back. 72 00:04:36,939 --> 00:04:39,094 - How is Keith? - Bad. 73 00:04:39,119 --> 00:04:40,320 Hey, babe? 74 00:04:40,345 --> 00:04:41,961 Can you go see if my package is here yet? 75 00:04:41,986 --> 00:04:43,016 Can't you do it? 76 00:04:43,041 --> 00:04:44,359 I'm in the middle of something. 77 00:04:46,409 --> 00:04:49,586 Aw, man, I really need this hoodie. 78 00:04:49,611 --> 00:04:51,656 The old self-esteem took a real hit this week 79 00:04:51,681 --> 00:04:54,510 when the camera on my phone flipped to face me. 80 00:04:54,535 --> 00:04:56,145 So many chins. 81 00:04:56,170 --> 00:04:58,187 That's just baby fat, bro. 82 00:04:59,052 --> 00:05:00,703 Thanks, brother. 83 00:05:01,401 --> 00:05:04,883 Well, I checked, and no package yet. 84 00:05:04,908 --> 00:05:07,453 Ugh! This is taking forever! 85 00:05:07,478 --> 00:05:10,568 What sins did I commit in a past life to deserve this? 86 00:05:10,593 --> 00:05:12,398 Past life? 87 00:05:12,431 --> 00:05:15,742 Hon, you know what happens when you try to be funny. 88 00:05:16,836 --> 00:05:20,266 Kev, I think I hear a delivery truck coming down the street. 89 00:05:20,894 --> 00:05:22,406 Now he can get up. 90 00:05:22,601 --> 00:05:24,777 Aw, man, it's just an ambulance! 91 00:05:24,802 --> 00:05:26,720 - On our street? - Please don't be for me. 92 00:05:26,745 --> 00:05:28,789 Please don't be for me. 93 00:05:29,634 --> 00:05:32,859 Hey, the new neighbors have packages on their stoop. 94 00:05:32,884 --> 00:05:33,884 What gives? 95 00:05:33,909 --> 00:05:36,120 I saw her moving in, and I am not a fan. 96 00:05:36,145 --> 00:05:37,562 Bad vibes there, bro. 97 00:05:37,587 --> 00:05:39,341 Ooh, bad neighbors. 98 00:05:39,366 --> 00:05:40,805 What would that be like? 99 00:05:41,962 --> 00:05:43,961 You trying to be funny again? 100 00:05:43,986 --> 00:05:45,141 No. 101 00:05:45,726 --> 00:05:47,423 Good. 102 00:05:47,448 --> 00:05:49,482 And Neil's probably right. 103 00:05:51,048 --> 00:05:53,109 I went over there to be neighborly. 104 00:05:53,134 --> 00:05:54,487 You know, make sure they know 105 00:05:54,512 --> 00:05:56,008 who's the alpha on the street. 106 00:05:56,579 --> 00:05:58,391 Hope you also told 'em who's the beta. 107 00:05:59,531 --> 00:06:01,103 And you know what they said when I asked them 108 00:06:01,127 --> 00:06:02,914 what their favorite football team was? 109 00:06:02,939 --> 00:06:04,491 Manchester United. 110 00:06:04,516 --> 00:06:05,827 - Boo! - Hiss! 111 00:06:05,852 --> 00:06:08,544 - Football is football. - I mean, really, 112 00:06:08,569 --> 00:06:10,234 is nothing sacred? 113 00:07:20,733 --> 00:07:22,575 Hi. I was hoping to do s... 114 00:07:22,600 --> 00:07:24,079 Hey, there's no eating in here. 115 00:07:24,104 --> 00:07:25,732 This is a "liberry." 116 00:07:26,224 --> 00:07:27,878 Of course. Sorry. 117 00:07:27,903 --> 00:07:29,470 Um... 118 00:07:34,195 --> 00:07:36,966 Um, you want a napkin? 119 00:07:36,991 --> 00:07:38,130 Oh, no, I'm fine. 120 00:07:38,155 --> 00:07:41,428 Um, I was hoping to do some computer research. 121 00:07:42,134 --> 00:07:44,372 - I'm writing a book. - Mm. 122 00:07:44,959 --> 00:07:47,701 It's a romance novel, actually. 123 00:07:47,743 --> 00:07:50,989 It's about a woman who's sad. 124 00:07:51,014 --> 00:07:54,650 She's very sad, and she just wasted the last 10 years 125 00:07:54,675 --> 00:07:57,068 of her life on this terrible marriage. 126 00:07:57,435 --> 00:07:59,350 Very pathetic. 127 00:07:59,375 --> 00:08:01,725 It's very depressing in the beginning, but, um... 128 00:08:01,750 --> 00:08:05,363 But then, one day, she realizes what she wants... 129 00:08:05,388 --> 00:08:07,693 Truly... and she has this brilliant plan. 130 00:08:07,718 --> 00:08:10,255 She keeps playing perfect housewife, 131 00:08:10,280 --> 00:08:12,668 - but in the meantime - Affair with her neighbor? 132 00:08:12,693 --> 00:08:14,427 What? No. 133 00:08:15,429 --> 00:08:18,013 She decides to kill her husband. 134 00:08:18,798 --> 00:08:20,786 Why wouldn't she just leave? 135 00:08:21,458 --> 00:08:22,919 Leave? 136 00:08:23,883 --> 00:08:25,692 Like it's easy? 137 00:08:26,257 --> 00:08:29,294 Like he'd just let her take the $194 she has 138 00:08:29,319 --> 00:08:31,121 and buy a bus ticket to Jersey? 139 00:08:31,146 --> 00:08:34,107 What... No. What would she do? Sleep on the street? 140 00:08:34,255 --> 00:08:35,739 No, he'd find her anyway. 141 00:08:35,764 --> 00:08:38,263 And maybe she doesn't want to leave. 142 00:08:38,288 --> 00:08:40,043 Maybe this isn't about leaving at all. 143 00:08:40,068 --> 00:08:42,536 Maybe she wants him dead, and he deserves it. 144 00:08:43,481 --> 00:08:45,700 How is that romantic? 145 00:08:46,478 --> 00:08:48,630 It's aspirational. 146 00:08:51,363 --> 00:08:53,676 Computers are in back. 147 00:08:54,185 --> 00:08:55,752 Thank you. 148 00:08:58,506 --> 00:09:00,325 _ 149 00:09:18,791 --> 00:09:22,723 _ 150 00:09:28,839 --> 00:09:31,207 _ 151 00:09:31,429 --> 00:09:33,637 _ 152 00:09:39,572 --> 00:09:41,014 _ 153 00:09:41,168 --> 00:09:42,422 _ 154 00:09:48,836 --> 00:09:51,246 Hi. Excuse me? 155 00:09:51,430 --> 00:09:52,866 Sir? 156 00:09:52,891 --> 00:09:55,328 Um, sir? 157 00:09:56,863 --> 00:10:01,125 Hey, sorry, um, how did you get past the, uh... 158 00:10:02,294 --> 00:10:03,906 The firewall? 159 00:10:06,711 --> 00:10:08,687 Sorry, excuse me? 160 00:10:08,712 --> 00:10:09,959 Hey. 161 00:10:10,116 --> 00:10:11,672 Oh! 162 00:10:13,805 --> 00:10:16,117 Oh, shit. 163 00:10:16,399 --> 00:10:17,836 Uh... 164 00:10:25,925 --> 00:10:27,554 You okay? 165 00:10:29,219 --> 00:10:31,757 Um... I don't know. 166 00:10:31,782 --> 00:10:34,306 I've never found a dead body before, 167 00:10:34,331 --> 00:10:36,156 so I don't really know if I did it right. 168 00:10:36,181 --> 00:10:37,343 "Did it right"? 169 00:10:37,368 --> 00:10:39,351 Well, I just didn't realize I'd be so rattled. 170 00:10:39,376 --> 00:10:40,986 Better than being used to it. 171 00:10:41,066 --> 00:10:42,851 By now, an OD is welcome. 172 00:10:42,876 --> 00:10:44,750 At least oxys aren't a mess. 173 00:10:45,276 --> 00:10:48,148 We got this call once... 300-pound dude, 174 00:10:48,173 --> 00:10:50,565 dead in his fourth floor walk-up for like five months. 175 00:10:50,590 --> 00:10:52,331 Wait, this guy overdosed? 176 00:10:52,356 --> 00:10:53,609 Yeah. 177 00:10:53,634 --> 00:10:56,031 But he was wearing a Patagonia vest. 178 00:10:56,056 --> 00:10:58,616 - Okay? - Well, he could afford to shop at REI. 179 00:10:58,641 --> 00:11:00,039 He wasn't living on the street. 180 00:11:00,064 --> 00:11:02,937 Yeah, there's no type for this sort of thing anymore. 181 00:11:02,962 --> 00:11:04,812 All kinds of people OD. 182 00:11:05,247 --> 00:11:06,609 Really? 183 00:11:06,634 --> 00:11:08,244 Sure. 184 00:11:08,398 --> 00:11:09,573 So... 185 00:11:09,598 --> 00:11:11,656 like, anyone c... 186 00:11:11,689 --> 00:11:17,086 Garbage men, cable guys, could be on oxys? They could die? 187 00:11:17,111 --> 00:11:19,374 Yeah, grandmas, frat kids. 188 00:11:19,399 --> 00:11:21,203 Three of my cousins. 189 00:11:22,061 --> 00:11:24,760 I don't remember the last time I was shocked by an oxy OD. 190 00:11:24,785 --> 00:11:27,222 But that 300-pound dude leaking through the ceiling? 191 00:11:27,432 --> 00:11:29,382 That was a surprise. 192 00:11:30,215 --> 00:11:31,617 So, how'd you do it? 193 00:11:31,642 --> 00:11:35,007 I killed him with oxycodone and made it look like an OD. 194 00:11:35,032 --> 00:11:36,468 Brilliant. 195 00:11:43,451 --> 00:11:45,149 Hello, Allison. 196 00:11:45,174 --> 00:11:46,567 Hi, Dr. Gaetz. 197 00:11:46,592 --> 00:11:48,855 Thank you for, uh, seeing me so quickly. 198 00:11:48,880 --> 00:11:51,672 Of course. Kev carried the bowling team on Thursday. 199 00:11:51,697 --> 00:11:52,851 I owe him one. 200 00:11:53,422 --> 00:11:56,065 So, uh, first up, we're gonna get your height and weight, 201 00:11:56,090 --> 00:11:57,882 - and then we'll... - Oh, do we have to? 202 00:11:57,907 --> 00:12:00,461 'Cause I'm just... I'm just here with some back trouble. 203 00:12:00,486 --> 00:12:02,547 Yep. Still need your height and weight. 204 00:12:02,572 --> 00:12:05,031 - Come on. - I'll take off my shoes. 205 00:12:05,056 --> 00:12:06,622 It really doesn't matter. 206 00:12:12,203 --> 00:12:15,117 So, you're having some back pain. 207 00:12:15,533 --> 00:12:20,164 Yeah, um, lower back, mostly, on the right-hand side. 208 00:12:20,311 --> 00:12:24,054 I have to, uh, carry a lot of boxes at the package store, 209 00:12:24,079 --> 00:12:26,922 and it think I must have just kind of tweaked last week 210 00:12:26,954 --> 00:12:29,739 carrying a box of Olde E onto the hand truck. 211 00:12:32,055 --> 00:12:34,147 I know I should wear a brace, but I have a hard time 212 00:12:34,172 --> 00:12:36,164 admitting when I need help. 213 00:12:44,295 --> 00:12:45,941 My, uh... My Uncle Chu... 214 00:12:45,966 --> 00:12:48,031 Well, you know Chuck. 215 00:12:48,564 --> 00:12:51,390 Um, he has a slipped disc, 216 00:12:51,415 --> 00:12:53,927 and he said that there's some pills that, um, 217 00:12:53,952 --> 00:12:55,718 seem to be really helping him. 218 00:13:01,966 --> 00:13:04,394 - Allison. - Mm-hmm? 219 00:13:04,419 --> 00:13:07,359 You know, pain medication, 220 00:13:07,384 --> 00:13:09,336 it's not given out lightly. 221 00:13:09,361 --> 00:13:11,712 Yeah, no, I... Yeah, and I... 222 00:13:11,737 --> 00:13:13,070 I wouldn't expect that you... 223 00:13:13,095 --> 00:13:15,579 They're only given out for people in real pain. 224 00:13:15,604 --> 00:13:17,125 Of course. 225 00:13:18,390 --> 00:13:22,525 These types of pills get abused very often. 226 00:13:22,550 --> 00:13:25,285 Yeah, I've heard. 227 00:13:25,310 --> 00:13:28,574 I've... I've heard that is... It's awful. 228 00:13:32,031 --> 00:13:33,554 Yeah. Ugh, yeah, yeah, right. 229 00:13:33,579 --> 00:13:34,990 I am... I'm fine, and I don't 230 00:13:35,015 --> 00:13:36,930 want to get mixed up in all... all that. 231 00:13:36,955 --> 00:13:39,773 I haven't even tried acupuncture yet, so... 232 00:13:39,798 --> 00:13:41,726 You talk to Kevin about this? 233 00:13:42,237 --> 00:13:44,562 Uh, about my back? 234 00:13:44,688 --> 00:13:46,777 I'm sure he'd want to chat about it... 235 00:13:46,934 --> 00:13:49,523 Your..."pain." 236 00:13:50,091 --> 00:13:52,007 I could call him with you if you'd like... 237 00:13:52,032 --> 00:13:53,523 No, no, no. 238 00:13:53,548 --> 00:13:55,837 I... I don't want to bother him with all that. 239 00:13:55,862 --> 00:13:57,086 I am... I'm fine. 240 00:13:57,111 --> 00:13:58,578 Allison. 241 00:13:58,603 --> 00:14:01,756 I think what you really need is to talk to someone. 242 00:14:01,781 --> 00:14:03,828 Maybe not Kevin, but a... 243 00:14:03,853 --> 00:14:06,326 A girlfriend or a... a book club. 244 00:14:06,351 --> 00:14:08,440 You got a book club where you sit around 245 00:14:08,465 --> 00:14:10,187 with wine and chat about things? 246 00:14:10,212 --> 00:14:12,422 Eh, not really. 247 00:14:12,447 --> 00:14:15,070 Well, maybe a coworker. 248 00:14:15,682 --> 00:14:17,304 Before you try... 249 00:14:17,329 --> 00:14:19,288 acupuncture, 250 00:14:19,313 --> 00:14:21,013 I think you need to talk. 251 00:14:25,956 --> 00:14:28,829 That'll be $75 for today's visit. 252 00:14:30,413 --> 00:14:32,004 Yeah, sure. 253 00:14:43,205 --> 00:14:45,591 You know, if you're looking for a good person... 254 00:14:45,616 --> 00:14:47,976 Someone to talk to... I know someone. 255 00:14:48,001 --> 00:14:49,197 Great with this sort of thing. 256 00:14:49,221 --> 00:14:50,792 - A-A professional. - No, thanks. 257 00:14:50,817 --> 00:14:52,583 I don't do therapy. 258 00:14:52,608 --> 00:14:55,288 It's worth considering. 259 00:14:55,313 --> 00:14:57,706 Yeah, well, just the thought of paying a stranger 260 00:14:57,731 --> 00:14:59,364 to listen to me complain... I... 261 00:14:59,389 --> 00:15:00,888 I-It's not like that. 262 00:15:00,913 --> 00:15:02,697 Well, it's just, it's not for me. 263 00:15:02,722 --> 00:15:04,297 I swear, she helped my sister-in-law. 264 00:15:04,322 --> 00:15:05,671 Same thing. Alright? 265 00:15:05,696 --> 00:15:06,803 Needed a little something for herself. 266 00:15:06,827 --> 00:15:09,476 - Maybe not the greatest marriage... - Oh. Thank you. 267 00:15:34,510 --> 00:15:36,726 Oh. Ugh. 268 00:15:36,751 --> 00:15:38,807 No, no. I got it. 269 00:15:39,549 --> 00:15:41,987 Yeah, I'm... I'm not sure why I'm the one 270 00:15:42,012 --> 00:15:44,604 hauling all the boxes back and forth. 271 00:15:44,629 --> 00:15:46,904 Even though I got 15 years on you. 272 00:15:46,929 --> 00:15:48,705 - It's fine. - Sorry. 273 00:15:48,951 --> 00:15:51,971 Uh, my back's been hurting a little bit. 274 00:15:51,996 --> 00:15:54,877 How's Uncle Chuck's back been doing, by the way? 275 00:15:54,902 --> 00:15:56,893 Uh, well, you know. 276 00:15:56,918 --> 00:15:58,114 Waiting for the insurance company 277 00:15:58,138 --> 00:16:00,276 to approve the surgery on his bulging disc, 278 00:16:00,308 --> 00:16:03,541 and still saying the procedure's "experimental." 279 00:16:03,566 --> 00:16:04,581 I mean, they know he needs it. 280 00:16:04,605 --> 00:16:06,893 I don't know what the big experiment is, so... 281 00:16:06,918 --> 00:16:09,510 He's pretty much laid up asking for meatball subs 282 00:16:09,535 --> 00:16:11,674 and whiskey rocks from the couch. 283 00:16:11,699 --> 00:16:13,065 But it's fine. 284 00:16:14,685 --> 00:16:17,457 You still, uh, dole out his pain meds, or...? 285 00:16:17,482 --> 00:16:18,596 Ugh. 286 00:16:18,621 --> 00:16:20,658 Chuck says it makes him feel like a child, 287 00:16:20,683 --> 00:16:22,723 having me be in charge of him, so... 288 00:16:22,748 --> 00:16:25,112 - Yeah. - He insists he can handle it himself 289 00:16:25,137 --> 00:16:27,249 and I don't wanna argue anymore. 290 00:16:30,255 --> 00:16:31,775 Allison. 291 00:16:31,800 --> 00:16:33,354 Huh? 292 00:16:33,379 --> 00:16:35,072 Are you giving up? 293 00:16:35,608 --> 00:16:37,846 Uh, how do you mean? 294 00:16:39,050 --> 00:16:40,322 B... 295 00:16:40,347 --> 00:16:43,401 What's going on here? 296 00:16:44,136 --> 00:16:45,572 Oh, uh... 297 00:16:45,597 --> 00:16:48,208 You like like 10 miles of bad highway. 298 00:16:48,233 --> 00:16:51,236 It's, uh, actually my new favorite. 299 00:16:51,261 --> 00:16:53,666 Oh, it... it's got stains. 300 00:16:53,691 --> 00:16:55,258 I know. 301 00:16:55,283 --> 00:16:56,987 I like 'em. 302 00:16:57,461 --> 00:16:58,651 Okay. 303 00:16:59,286 --> 00:17:02,541 Thing is... this sweatshirt is actually a... 304 00:17:02,566 --> 00:17:05,679 I mean, you've got a good shape going on under all of that. 305 00:17:05,704 --> 00:17:07,494 Don't just let yourself go. 306 00:17:07,519 --> 00:17:09,916 It's not fair to Kev to just give up. 307 00:17:10,608 --> 00:17:13,049 Not fair to Kev? 308 00:17:14,185 --> 00:17:17,148 Look, I should be wearing orthopedic shoes 309 00:17:17,173 --> 00:17:18,976 from Hawley Lane for my plantars, 310 00:17:19,001 --> 00:17:21,046 but Chuck says they make me look like a night nurse 311 00:17:21,071 --> 00:17:22,671 coming in to change his diaper. 312 00:17:22,696 --> 00:17:24,045 - Mm. - So what do I do? 313 00:17:24,070 --> 00:17:26,159 I go over to Target, I get myself nice flats. 314 00:17:26,184 --> 00:17:29,171 I deal with my arches on my own time. 315 00:17:29,390 --> 00:17:31,879 Okay, well, you know you don't have to do that, right? 316 00:17:31,904 --> 00:17:34,312 'Cause that's... that's crazy. 317 00:17:34,337 --> 00:17:35,469 No, honey. 318 00:17:35,509 --> 00:17:37,233 That's marriage. 319 00:17:38,482 --> 00:17:42,062 Uh, h-h-has Kev seen this new look? 320 00:17:43,214 --> 00:17:45,523 - No. - Oh, good. 321 00:17:45,548 --> 00:17:47,108 No, I just wear this here. 322 00:17:47,133 --> 00:17:48,569 - Oh. - 'Cause I... I get cold. 323 00:17:48,594 --> 00:17:50,509 Yeah, yeah. 324 00:17:50,669 --> 00:17:52,624 Well, okay. 325 00:17:52,649 --> 00:17:55,250 I'll pick up a space heater from Lowe's. 326 00:17:55,275 --> 00:17:56,972 Warm you right up. 327 00:18:35,716 --> 00:18:37,109 Ugh. 328 00:18:37,485 --> 00:18:38,747 ... the minute I saw them! 329 00:18:38,772 --> 00:18:40,497 They took it! I know they did! 330 00:18:41,426 --> 00:18:43,629 - What's going on here? - Oh! 331 00:18:43,654 --> 00:18:45,874 I've got a terrible feeling about something. 332 00:18:45,899 --> 00:18:48,032 Let's check it out, shall we? 333 00:18:48,057 --> 00:18:50,418 Alexer? Where's my stuff? 334 00:18:52,482 --> 00:18:54,286 What the hell? It works for you! 335 00:18:55,404 --> 00:18:58,286 Well, it's not "Alexer." It's "Alexa." 336 00:18:58,311 --> 00:18:59,836 That's what I'm saying. 337 00:18:59,861 --> 00:19:01,254 Alexer. 338 00:19:01,279 --> 00:19:04,101 Alexer, where's my stuff? 339 00:19:05,552 --> 00:19:07,641 What am I doing wrong?! 340 00:19:07,666 --> 00:19:09,200 Speaking English. 341 00:19:09,565 --> 00:19:12,911 Okay, try this. Say "Alexer." 342 00:19:12,936 --> 00:19:14,546 Alexa. 343 00:19:14,571 --> 00:19:16,094 There ya go. 344 00:19:16,119 --> 00:19:18,317 Alexa, where's my stuff? 345 00:19:18,792 --> 00:19:21,465 One shipment was delivered for Kevin today. 346 00:19:22,361 --> 00:19:24,036 Foul play! 347 00:19:24,061 --> 00:19:26,184 My Belichick hoodie... The closest thing 348 00:19:26,209 --> 00:19:28,559 I have to a child... was stolen! 349 00:19:28,584 --> 00:19:30,020 Ugh. You don't want children. 350 00:19:30,045 --> 00:19:31,916 Remember? You said it pulls focus 351 00:19:31,941 --> 00:19:33,311 from what really matters in life... 352 00:19:33,335 --> 00:19:34,825 Your needs. 353 00:19:34,850 --> 00:19:37,543 That sweatshirt was gonna be my test case... 354 00:19:37,568 --> 00:19:39,483 My pride and joy. 355 00:19:39,508 --> 00:19:42,728 Instead, it's probably stuffed in the neighbor's closet. 356 00:19:42,816 --> 00:19:45,192 All cold and alone. 357 00:19:46,214 --> 00:19:49,262 Not even knowing I'm trying to find it. 358 00:19:49,495 --> 00:19:51,193 It knows, Kev. 359 00:19:51,218 --> 00:19:54,215 Damn foreigners are tearing my boy apart! 360 00:19:54,240 --> 00:19:56,673 Pete, you blame hurricanes on foreigners. 361 00:19:56,883 --> 00:19:58,154 Are you sure it's them? 362 00:19:58,194 --> 00:20:00,805 Maybe it was just a mistake with the mailman. 363 00:20:00,830 --> 00:20:03,441 Allison, whose side are you on? 364 00:20:03,466 --> 00:20:05,134 Sanity's. 365 00:20:05,636 --> 00:20:09,118 Well, it's obvious what has to be done. 366 00:20:09,143 --> 00:20:11,101 Set UPS on fire. 367 00:20:12,326 --> 00:20:14,285 - No. - Set the neighbors on fire. 368 00:20:14,310 --> 00:20:15,782 No! 369 00:20:15,807 --> 00:20:19,114 Neil, we don't let you do fire anymore, remember? 370 00:20:19,608 --> 00:20:21,110 I know. 371 00:20:21,135 --> 00:20:22,963 But still... 372 00:20:22,988 --> 00:20:24,773 the flame... 373 00:20:24,798 --> 00:20:26,634 she calls to me. 374 00:20:28,458 --> 00:20:31,624 We have to have a Revolutionary War reboot! 375 00:20:31,649 --> 00:20:32,721 I love a reboot. 376 00:20:32,746 --> 00:20:35,354 This is almost as good as the new "CHiPs"! 377 00:20:35,379 --> 00:20:37,250 Rebels versus Redcoats. 378 00:20:37,275 --> 00:20:41,198 Stealing that sweatshirt was as bad as the Boston Massacre. 379 00:20:41,223 --> 00:20:42,854 Worse! 380 00:20:42,879 --> 00:20:45,577 You guys said the same thing about cinnamon gum. 381 00:20:45,855 --> 00:20:47,643 It's too hot. 382 00:20:48,324 --> 00:20:51,632 Gum is meant to be minty and refreshing. 383 00:20:51,657 --> 00:20:52,862 It's on! 384 00:20:52,887 --> 00:20:54,237 Pat, go to the salon. 385 00:20:54,262 --> 00:20:55,648 Get those leftover Roman candles. 386 00:20:55,673 --> 00:20:57,283 - We're gonna need ammo. - Roger that. 387 00:20:57,308 --> 00:20:59,050 You left the fireworks at the salon? 388 00:20:59,075 --> 00:21:01,001 There's so many times I wanted to use them! 389 00:21:01,026 --> 00:21:03,487 We don't let you do fire anymore! 390 00:21:04,442 --> 00:21:05,854 Let's go, men! 391 00:21:05,879 --> 00:21:07,323 We got a war to win! 392 00:21:07,348 --> 00:21:08,617 Yes! Ow! 393 00:21:08,642 --> 00:21:09,643 Oh! Hernia! 394 00:21:09,668 --> 00:21:11,017 Alright, I'm good! 395 00:21:11,042 --> 00:21:12,550 - You alright? - I'm good! 396 00:21:12,982 --> 00:21:14,518 We're men! 397 00:21:14,676 --> 00:21:16,496 - U.S.A.! - Ow! 398 00:21:16,521 --> 00:21:19,777 U.S.A.! U.S.A.! 399 00:21:19,802 --> 00:21:21,543 U.S.A.! 400 00:21:21,568 --> 00:21:23,566 - Hi. - Hey. 401 00:21:23,591 --> 00:21:25,269 - Hey. - Oh. 402 00:21:26,493 --> 00:21:28,843 - What's up? - Nothin'. 403 00:21:28,868 --> 00:21:30,967 'Cause I've been dying to show you, uh... 404 00:21:30,992 --> 00:21:32,686 - Just, like, show someone. - Can it wait? 405 00:21:32,710 --> 00:21:34,123 I gotta get to the salon and start looking 406 00:21:34,147 --> 00:21:35,336 for those Roman candles. They're buried 407 00:21:35,360 --> 00:21:36,789 in the crawl space somewhere and I'm gonna hit my head 408 00:21:36,813 --> 00:21:38,491 at least three times trying to get 'em. 409 00:21:39,656 --> 00:21:41,999 You're actually gonna help them with that? 410 00:21:43,444 --> 00:21:45,011 Yeah. 411 00:21:45,150 --> 00:21:46,542 Oh. 412 00:21:46,648 --> 00:21:49,085 - What? - No, nothing. 413 00:21:49,110 --> 00:21:50,421 I just thought that we were, uh... 414 00:21:50,445 --> 00:21:51,655 "We"? 415 00:21:53,182 --> 00:21:55,827 I never really thought of us as a "we." 416 00:21:58,628 --> 00:22:00,585 Yeah. Right. 417 00:22:01,303 --> 00:22:02,913 My mistake. 418 00:22:05,708 --> 00:22:08,116 So why the hell you tell me about the money, then? 419 00:22:08,141 --> 00:22:09,780 About Kevin? 420 00:22:09,805 --> 00:22:11,332 I called the bank, and you were right. 421 00:22:11,357 --> 00:22:13,006 The money's gone. 422 00:22:13,950 --> 00:22:16,608 You blew up my life. Was that just for fun? 423 00:22:18,884 --> 00:22:20,581 No. 424 00:22:24,156 --> 00:22:26,525 I felt sorry for you. 425 00:22:27,278 --> 00:22:30,194 Convincing yourself all your dreams are gonna come true. 426 00:22:30,219 --> 00:22:32,065 That you were destined for something bigger than this. 427 00:22:32,089 --> 00:22:34,533 That you were gonna be happy. 428 00:22:34,558 --> 00:22:36,423 It was hard to watch. 429 00:22:36,739 --> 00:22:38,911 I'm bad with cringe comedy. 430 00:22:39,370 --> 00:22:43,751 Okay. So, I'm an idiot for wanting something, 431 00:22:43,776 --> 00:22:46,024 and you're fine with hitting your head 432 00:22:46,049 --> 00:22:48,573 looking for the Roman candles for the rest of your life? 433 00:22:50,714 --> 00:22:52,626 Yes. 434 00:22:54,088 --> 00:22:56,464 You felt sorry for me. 435 00:23:28,867 --> 00:23:30,150 They're oatmeal raisin! 436 00:23:30,175 --> 00:23:31,645 Oh! Ugh! 437 00:23:31,670 --> 00:23:33,606 Why would you put fruit in a cookie? 438 00:23:33,631 --> 00:23:35,481 Mixed messaging! 439 00:23:35,783 --> 00:23:37,348 Like a dessert with homework. 440 00:23:37,373 --> 00:23:40,987 Yeah, it's like putting a vegetable in a... a cookie. 441 00:23:43,779 --> 00:23:45,800 Oh, dear God. 442 00:23:45,825 --> 00:23:47,871 No need to invoke the Lord. 443 00:23:47,896 --> 00:23:49,561 The neighbors stole my jersey, 444 00:23:49,586 --> 00:23:52,567 so I rightfully stole one of theirs. 445 00:23:52,695 --> 00:23:55,082 Pretty sure we got the Big Man's blessing on this. 446 00:23:55,107 --> 00:23:58,331 After all... eye for an eye, tit for tit. 447 00:23:59,685 --> 00:24:02,104 Look, does it always have to be "tit for tit"? 448 00:24:02,129 --> 00:24:03,966 Can't just you let some things go? 449 00:24:05,199 --> 00:24:07,471 This is a Revolutionary War, Allison. 450 00:24:07,496 --> 00:24:10,674 Could you imagine if George Washington just "let things go"? 451 00:24:10,793 --> 00:24:13,705 Yeah, I can. We'd be Communists. 452 00:24:13,734 --> 00:24:16,408 Oh, honey. Not even close. 453 00:24:16,833 --> 00:24:18,938 Well, look at me. I had a tiff with a friend, 454 00:24:18,963 --> 00:24:20,979 so I baked some cookies to make peace. 455 00:24:21,004 --> 00:24:23,221 - What friend? - They're made up. 456 00:24:23,393 --> 00:24:25,424 Just like leprechauns. 457 00:24:26,078 --> 00:24:27,401 You taught me that. 458 00:24:27,426 --> 00:24:29,088 Ouugh! 459 00:24:30,175 --> 00:24:32,308 It was on the doorstep. 460 00:24:32,546 --> 00:24:34,505 It's a message. 461 00:24:34,530 --> 00:24:37,268 You want to let it go now, Allison?! 462 00:24:37,644 --> 00:24:39,210 So, what is the message, exactly? 463 00:24:39,235 --> 00:24:41,150 That they're not playing around. 464 00:24:41,175 --> 00:24:42,463 Look at this! 465 00:24:43,167 --> 00:24:46,955 It's clearly a Deflategate dig, and it is not taken well. 466 00:24:46,980 --> 00:24:48,939 Again, not even close. 467 00:24:48,964 --> 00:24:50,338 Grrrgh! 468 00:24:51,003 --> 00:24:52,222 Wait up! 469 00:24:52,247 --> 00:24:53,683 Drgh! 470 00:24:58,659 --> 00:25:00,299 Really. 471 00:25:00,955 --> 00:25:02,807 What friend are these for? 472 00:25:03,059 --> 00:25:05,221 Uh, someone who doesn't pretend to hate things 473 00:25:05,246 --> 00:25:07,604 they like just to be one of the guys. 474 00:25:07,629 --> 00:25:10,458 Jesus, are you an after-school special? 475 00:25:11,483 --> 00:25:13,180 Come on. 476 00:25:13,365 --> 00:25:15,557 It's someone I can actually talk to. 477 00:25:16,346 --> 00:25:19,276 - Hi. - Oh, what the hell? 478 00:25:19,301 --> 00:25:20,955 No, I know. I just came to apologize. 479 00:25:20,980 --> 00:25:22,026 Careful, Marcus. 480 00:25:22,051 --> 00:25:23,682 Barbie might break your nose this time. 481 00:25:23,707 --> 00:25:26,198 Okay. Come here. Come here. Come here. 482 00:25:26,223 --> 00:25:27,223 What are you... 483 00:25:27,248 --> 00:25:29,095 Look, I was in a terrible place that day, 484 00:25:29,120 --> 00:25:30,190 and I made a huge mistake. 485 00:25:30,215 --> 00:25:31,909 I've never actually slapped anyone before... 486 00:25:31,933 --> 00:25:34,213 Whoa, no, no, no. Hold on. You didn't slap me, tough guy. 487 00:25:34,238 --> 00:25:36,493 - I was fine. - Okay. 488 00:25:36,518 --> 00:25:38,385 Uh, of course. 489 00:25:38,410 --> 00:25:42,327 Either way, I was very rude, and, um, 490 00:25:42,352 --> 00:25:44,557 so I wanted to make it up to you. 491 00:25:45,352 --> 00:25:47,136 Are you serious? 492 00:25:47,298 --> 00:25:48,557 I dunno. 493 00:25:48,582 --> 00:25:50,149 Everyone likes cookies. 494 00:25:50,174 --> 00:25:51,612 It's a good gift. 495 00:25:52,637 --> 00:25:53,964 You're not gonna be a pain in the ass 496 00:25:53,988 --> 00:25:55,444 asking me for coke now, are you? 497 00:25:55,469 --> 00:25:58,268 No, no, no, no, no. No. 498 00:25:58,293 --> 00:26:00,940 Gave me some interesting ideas, but, uh, 499 00:26:00,965 --> 00:26:03,228 I feel like my body's still recovering. 500 00:26:03,330 --> 00:26:05,049 No, uh... 501 00:26:05,704 --> 00:26:08,612 - I want oxys. - Jesus Christ. 502 00:26:08,638 --> 00:26:10,276 Just like 10 to 15 pills. 503 00:26:10,301 --> 00:26:12,791 I've already tried to get a doctor to give them to me... 504 00:26:12,816 --> 00:26:14,774 Of course your first thought was to ask nicely. 505 00:26:14,818 --> 00:26:16,128 He just sent me to a therapist, and I... 506 00:26:16,152 --> 00:26:17,587 I need these. 507 00:26:17,612 --> 00:26:19,674 I'm in very real pain. 508 00:26:20,042 --> 00:26:22,315 Marcus, use your rape whistle. 509 00:26:22,340 --> 00:26:25,284 Okay. Private conversation. 510 00:26:29,254 --> 00:26:33,053 Look, I don't have that shit on me, okay? 511 00:26:33,078 --> 00:26:34,726 I... I'm not that guy. 512 00:26:34,751 --> 00:26:38,537 But, uh, I can hook you up with one. 513 00:26:38,984 --> 00:26:40,561 Really? 514 00:26:41,550 --> 00:26:43,256 Oh, my God, okay. 515 00:26:43,281 --> 00:26:44,803 Thank you. 516 00:26:45,710 --> 00:26:49,381 Be on the 14th Street overpass at midnight. 517 00:26:49,406 --> 00:26:51,060 - Tonight. - Okay. 518 00:26:51,085 --> 00:26:53,069 Don't try to pay in cookies. 519 00:26:53,799 --> 00:26:55,181 N-No. 520 00:26:55,206 --> 00:26:56,764 No, okay. 521 00:26:56,789 --> 00:26:58,350 Uh, thank you. 522 00:26:58,375 --> 00:26:59,899 Mm-hmm. 523 00:27:02,878 --> 00:27:05,866 Uh, hey, I know it's not cash, but, uh, do you think 524 00:27:05,891 --> 00:27:08,285 that he'd think that this hoodie was worth something? 525 00:27:11,213 --> 00:27:13,248 Oh, it looks awful. 526 00:27:13,273 --> 00:27:16,406 Uh, t-this was... This was worn by Belichick. 527 00:27:18,493 --> 00:27:20,053 Bill Belichick? 528 00:27:21,075 --> 00:27:23,818 My, uh... my husband paid Lord knows how much for it, 529 00:27:23,843 --> 00:27:25,045 but God forbid I ask. 530 00:27:25,070 --> 00:27:27,039 - Lady. - Um, Allison. 531 00:27:27,071 --> 00:27:29,247 I don't want to know your name or your story. 532 00:27:29,283 --> 00:27:30,811 - I don't care. - Right. 533 00:27:31,324 --> 00:27:33,326 Now get the hell out of here. 534 00:27:33,587 --> 00:27:36,170 - Okay. - Bye-bye, now. 535 00:27:36,195 --> 00:27:38,284 - Goodbye. Okay. - Okay. 536 00:27:38,463 --> 00:27:41,901 - Thank you. - Thanks for the raisin cookies. 537 00:27:42,068 --> 00:27:44,166 Don't worry about washing the bowl. 538 00:27:50,310 --> 00:27:51,672 Gah! 539 00:27:53,028 --> 00:27:54,850 - What are you doing?! - Gotta protect my lady. 540 00:27:54,874 --> 00:27:55,951 Can't be too cautious. 541 00:27:55,976 --> 00:27:57,226 Well, can't you?! 542 00:27:57,251 --> 00:27:59,976 Not when the neighbors lit our garbage cans on fire. 543 00:28:00,001 --> 00:28:02,030 They what?! Why would they do that? 544 00:28:02,055 --> 00:28:04,391 Well, after Knife-In-Football-Gate, 545 00:28:04,416 --> 00:28:06,719 I had one of those strokes of genius. 546 00:28:06,744 --> 00:28:09,812 I shoved a cherry bomb inside a soccer... 547 00:28:09,846 --> 00:28:11,305 Soccer! 548 00:28:12,639 --> 00:28:15,219 Ball, and I put it on their front lawn. 549 00:28:15,244 --> 00:28:16,820 A true message. 550 00:28:16,845 --> 00:28:19,219 What, that soccer blows? 551 00:28:19,725 --> 00:28:20,944 Solid. 552 00:28:22,231 --> 00:28:24,648 What? N-No. 553 00:28:24,673 --> 00:28:26,500 That they cannot mess with me! 554 00:28:26,525 --> 00:28:29,354 And that message was received. 555 00:28:29,379 --> 00:28:30,859 You should have seen it. 556 00:28:30,884 --> 00:28:32,842 The sparks! The colors! 557 00:28:32,867 --> 00:28:34,889 Little flaming hexagons flying everywhere. 558 00:28:34,914 --> 00:28:38,430 It was... It was... It was spectacular! 559 00:28:38,455 --> 00:28:40,312 But I also burned their lawn. 560 00:28:40,859 --> 00:28:42,295 You lit their lawn on fire? 561 00:28:42,320 --> 00:28:44,031 - I heard about that. - It's fine. 562 00:28:44,056 --> 00:28:46,118 A little singe will just make the grass 563 00:28:46,143 --> 00:28:47,656 grow back twice as lush... 564 00:28:47,681 --> 00:28:49,758 If it's anything like my foot hair. 565 00:28:50,654 --> 00:28:52,602 So, that's when they torched our garbage cans? 566 00:28:52,627 --> 00:28:53,672 Yeah. Can you believe it? 567 00:28:53,715 --> 00:28:55,674 It's practically arson. 568 00:28:55,699 --> 00:28:56,982 Well, you lit their lawn on fire! 569 00:28:57,006 --> 00:28:58,442 They stole my sweatshirt! 570 00:28:58,467 --> 00:29:00,086 You burned down their pergola! 571 00:29:00,111 --> 00:29:04,353 Irregardless, this is all just ramping up so fast, 572 00:29:04,378 --> 00:29:05,819 we had to beef up security. 573 00:29:05,844 --> 00:29:08,319 - And that's our security? - Well, the bat is step one. 574 00:29:08,344 --> 00:29:09,538 Step two is... 575 00:29:09,563 --> 00:29:12,170 Ah, Neil returns with step three. 576 00:29:12,195 --> 00:29:13,623 I sent him to my guy. 577 00:29:13,648 --> 00:29:15,092 He's former SWAT. 578 00:29:15,444 --> 00:29:16,967 Neil, what are you doing? 579 00:29:16,992 --> 00:29:19,255 Well, this is what your guy gave me. 580 00:29:19,280 --> 00:29:21,066 Kev! You caved! 581 00:29:21,091 --> 00:29:22,569 Wha? 582 00:29:23,024 --> 00:29:25,045 - You got me a dog? - 'Course not. 583 00:29:25,070 --> 00:29:26,678 My "No Pets" rule stands. 584 00:29:26,703 --> 00:29:29,272 I refuse not to be the cutest thing in this house. 585 00:29:29,830 --> 00:29:31,522 Impossible, babe. 586 00:29:31,547 --> 00:29:33,968 Besides, that's not a dog. 587 00:29:33,993 --> 00:29:35,255 That's a mistake. 588 00:29:35,280 --> 00:29:36,934 Neil, I-I sent you to my guy to get, 589 00:29:36,959 --> 00:29:39,545 like, a rifle or a crossbow or something. 590 00:29:39,852 --> 00:29:41,783 Yeah, well, your guy said this was the most weapon 591 00:29:41,807 --> 00:29:43,139 I could handle. 592 00:29:43,369 --> 00:29:45,279 - It's something. - Is it? 593 00:29:45,677 --> 00:29:48,636 I don't know. He looks tired. 594 00:29:48,661 --> 00:29:50,097 Maybe a little slow. 595 00:29:50,122 --> 00:29:51,732 Yeah. 596 00:29:51,757 --> 00:29:53,702 And lazy. 597 00:29:54,591 --> 00:29:57,028 Doesn't seem like McRoberts material. 598 00:29:58,645 --> 00:30:02,108 Dog, you're here on a trial basis. 599 00:30:02,133 --> 00:30:04,303 No name till you're off probation. 600 00:30:04,328 --> 00:30:06,163 And no cavortin' with my wife. 601 00:30:07,562 --> 00:30:09,061 Okay, so, what's step two? 602 00:30:09,086 --> 00:30:10,261 Huh? 603 00:30:10,303 --> 00:30:11,768 Well, step one's the bat. 604 00:30:11,793 --> 00:30:12,969 Step three is the dog. 605 00:30:12,994 --> 00:30:14,319 So what's step two? 606 00:30:14,344 --> 00:30:17,842 Oh, I installed a full DING security system outside. 607 00:30:17,867 --> 00:30:20,560 Cameras at every door, motion-sensored. 608 00:30:20,585 --> 00:30:21,803 I've got it wired, babe. 609 00:30:21,828 --> 00:30:24,694 I'm feeling diligent, focused. 610 00:30:25,938 --> 00:30:27,210 You got chips there? 611 00:30:28,538 --> 00:30:30,452 - I brought them from home. - Did you, now? 612 00:30:30,477 --> 00:30:31,920 You know what they say about sharing. 613 00:30:31,944 --> 00:30:33,598 - No. - Gimme. 614 00:30:47,486 --> 00:30:49,450 God damn it. 615 00:30:57,872 --> 00:31:00,247 _ 616 00:31:05,775 --> 00:31:07,342 Hi. 617 00:31:07,367 --> 00:31:08,958 Good boy. 618 00:31:09,271 --> 00:31:10,489 Hmm? 619 00:31:10,514 --> 00:31:12,146 That's a good boy. 620 00:31:12,171 --> 00:31:13,389 What's this? 621 00:31:13,414 --> 00:31:15,341 Yeah, you're a good boy. 622 00:31:18,626 --> 00:31:20,364 Well, actually, no. 623 00:31:20,389 --> 00:31:21,535 That's not a nice thing to say. 624 00:31:21,559 --> 00:31:23,114 I'm sorry. 625 00:31:23,927 --> 00:31:26,930 Good boys don't get to do anything fun. 626 00:31:27,037 --> 00:31:28,603 Trust me, I get it. 627 00:31:31,466 --> 00:31:34,435 This is my first time sneaking out of a house. 628 00:31:36,403 --> 00:31:39,536 Why'd I wait so long to do something like this, huh? 629 00:31:39,690 --> 00:31:41,630 It's exciting. 630 00:31:42,576 --> 00:31:44,575 It'll be a good story. 631 00:31:49,180 --> 00:31:51,095 Oh. 632 00:31:53,286 --> 00:31:54,849 Hey. 633 00:31:55,665 --> 00:31:57,918 You wanna know another good story? 634 00:32:00,968 --> 00:32:03,077 I stole the goddamn hoodie. 635 00:32:05,379 --> 00:32:07,553 Don't rat me out, okay, pal? 636 00:32:10,477 --> 00:32:12,702 Thank you. 637 00:32:14,812 --> 00:32:16,576 You stay there. 638 00:33:05,201 --> 00:33:06,530 Uh... 639 00:33:06,555 --> 00:33:07,992 You Marcus' girl? 640 00:33:08,017 --> 00:33:10,208 Yeah. Well, no. 641 00:33:10,233 --> 00:33:12,550 - I'm not his girl, but... - I got ya. 642 00:33:13,391 --> 00:33:15,959 Uh, how do you wanna do this? 643 00:33:16,331 --> 00:33:17,991 Uh... 644 00:33:18,524 --> 00:33:21,639 However you'd normally do it is good, I guess. 645 00:33:21,664 --> 00:33:23,507 Money first? 646 00:33:24,100 --> 00:33:25,841 Sounds good. 647 00:33:26,244 --> 00:33:28,428 - W-What do you want to pay... - So, wha... Oh. 648 00:33:28,453 --> 00:33:30,872 You g... Uh, y-you go first. Sorry. 649 00:33:30,897 --> 00:33:33,686 - $200? - No way. 650 00:33:33,711 --> 00:33:35,656 Most girls in your position would be kissing the ground 651 00:33:35,680 --> 00:33:36,999 I walk on for that price. 652 00:33:37,024 --> 00:33:39,507 Well, I'm not most girls, so... 653 00:33:40,520 --> 00:33:42,499 $120, final offer. 654 00:33:46,537 --> 00:33:48,365 Get in. 655 00:33:58,446 --> 00:34:00,318 Uh, where we going? 656 00:34:00,424 --> 00:34:02,158 We can't do this right here. 657 00:34:14,759 --> 00:34:16,326 Oh. 658 00:34:20,557 --> 00:34:22,830 S... Uh... So, you got the stuff? 659 00:34:22,855 --> 00:34:25,631 Oh... Oh, I got your stuff right here. 660 00:34:25,656 --> 00:34:27,736 No, wha... What the hell are you doing? 661 00:34:27,761 --> 00:34:29,241 Oh, right. 662 00:34:29,266 --> 00:34:31,721 Marcus said you were into that sort of thing. 663 00:34:31,828 --> 00:34:33,900 "Oh, no, Mister. I'm not that kind of guy." 664 00:34:33,925 --> 00:34:36,096 What?! No! No! I'm not gonna have sex with you! 665 00:34:36,121 --> 00:34:38,471 Marcus said I... I would have sex with you?! 666 00:34:38,496 --> 00:34:40,885 E... That's usually what the money's for, yeah. 667 00:34:40,910 --> 00:34:43,236 Oh, my... No, I'm not a prostitu... 668 00:34:43,701 --> 00:34:46,051 Marcus said that you'd sell me pills. 669 00:34:46,076 --> 00:34:47,904 Like, drugs? 670 00:34:47,929 --> 00:34:51,396 La... Lady, I sell life insurance. 671 00:34:54,228 --> 00:34:56,934 Marcus was trying to get back at me, so it... 672 00:34:57,400 --> 00:34:59,750 I'm sorry, I have to go. 673 00:34:59,801 --> 00:35:01,433 Whoa, wait, wait, wait, wait. 674 00:35:01,458 --> 00:35:02,842 - God damn! - Oh! 675 00:35:02,867 --> 00:35:04,348 What the hell?! 676 00:35:04,373 --> 00:35:06,715 I-I... I... I was just trying to tell you 677 00:35:06,740 --> 00:35:08,066 there's a child lock on that door. 678 00:35:08,090 --> 00:35:09,396 Oh, my God. 679 00:35:09,421 --> 00:35:11,255 You... You broke my frickin' nose! 680 00:35:11,287 --> 00:35:12,636 I'm so sorry. 681 00:35:12,661 --> 00:35:14,419 Here, here, here. 682 00:35:15,099 --> 00:35:16,512 Ow! God! 683 00:35:16,545 --> 00:35:20,075 Gah! Jesus Christ, lady! 684 00:35:23,611 --> 00:35:25,962 The least you could do is give me a handjob. 685 00:35:26,137 --> 00:35:27,630 Oh. 686 00:35:27,807 --> 00:35:29,330 No, thank you. 687 00:36:18,003 --> 00:36:19,179 - Allie. - Hey. 688 00:36:19,204 --> 00:36:21,250 - Uh, it's late. - Yeah, sorry. 689 00:36:22,934 --> 00:36:25,241 Um, how are you? 690 00:36:25,266 --> 00:36:26,572 Uh... 691 00:36:27,338 --> 00:36:30,384 Uh, I don't really know how to answer that question. 692 00:36:30,409 --> 00:36:33,205 I know that I am supposed to say, "I'm good. 693 00:36:33,238 --> 00:36:34,674 How are you?" 694 00:36:34,699 --> 00:36:36,775 Anything more than that is just rude. 695 00:36:36,800 --> 00:36:38,590 No one actually wants to know how you are. 696 00:36:38,615 --> 00:36:41,166 It's just a way of saying, "Hello. I'm good, how are you?" 697 00:36:42,060 --> 00:36:45,237 Uh, but I actually wanted to... 698 00:36:45,578 --> 00:36:46,830 talk. 699 00:36:48,045 --> 00:36:49,481 To me? 700 00:36:49,506 --> 00:36:51,064 Yeah. 701 00:36:51,089 --> 00:36:53,314 Thought maybe you were mad or something. 702 00:36:54,035 --> 00:36:55,783 Why would I be mad? 703 00:36:57,336 --> 00:36:58,642 Right. 704 00:36:58,667 --> 00:37:00,345 Sure. 705 00:37:00,735 --> 00:37:03,649 - You want a coffee or something? - Uh... 706 00:37:03,674 --> 00:37:05,633 After the night I had, I'd say an Irish coffee, 707 00:37:05,658 --> 00:37:07,845 but I don't want to make you do that. 708 00:37:08,228 --> 00:37:09,454 I can muscle through. 709 00:37:09,479 --> 00:37:12,251 Well... No, I was being... I was being rude. 710 00:37:12,276 --> 00:37:14,060 Impossible. 711 00:37:14,085 --> 00:37:16,032 This is really for me. 712 00:37:17,288 --> 00:37:19,423 I used to love mixing drinks for you. 713 00:37:20,756 --> 00:37:23,993 Remember our, uh, white trash margarita? 714 00:37:24,018 --> 00:37:25,802 Yeah. 715 00:37:25,827 --> 00:37:27,959 Yellow Gatorade and tequila. 716 00:37:27,992 --> 00:37:30,386 - With a maraschino cherry. - Ugh. 717 00:37:30,411 --> 00:37:33,813 Of all the drinks I miss, that one's pretty high up there. 718 00:37:38,261 --> 00:37:39,741 Thank you. 719 00:37:41,724 --> 00:37:42,876 Mmm. 720 00:37:42,901 --> 00:37:44,376 Mm. 721 00:37:45,108 --> 00:37:49,242 So, you wanted to talk? 722 00:37:49,403 --> 00:37:51,212 Yeah. 723 00:37:51,843 --> 00:37:53,548 About? 724 00:37:55,020 --> 00:37:56,704 Uh... 725 00:37:57,870 --> 00:37:59,353 Something that isn't the weather, 726 00:37:59,378 --> 00:38:04,517 or my aunt's foot ailments, or the feud with the neighbors. 727 00:38:06,413 --> 00:38:08,151 I've had the worst... 728 00:38:10,258 --> 00:38:11,868 decade, really. 729 00:38:11,893 --> 00:38:13,424 Like, I can't believe how much time 730 00:38:13,449 --> 00:38:15,261 I've spent talking about nothing. 731 00:38:15,286 --> 00:38:18,565 And now that I feel like I actually have something to say, 732 00:38:18,590 --> 00:38:21,114 um, the closest thing that I have 733 00:38:21,139 --> 00:38:24,909 to someone who cares is a dog. 734 00:38:27,234 --> 00:38:29,276 I care. 735 00:38:30,156 --> 00:38:33,479 Just that you knew me before... 736 00:38:33,504 --> 00:38:35,214 W-When we were younger. 737 00:38:37,320 --> 00:38:39,433 I had friends, right? 738 00:38:39,801 --> 00:38:41,643 Yeah. 739 00:38:42,158 --> 00:38:44,730 Yeah, I feel like they all had names 740 00:38:44,755 --> 00:38:48,065 that started with J, K, and L. 741 00:38:48,884 --> 00:38:51,843 Katie, Kelly, Lauren, Lindsay... 742 00:38:51,868 --> 00:38:53,526 - Julie. - Jess. 743 00:38:53,551 --> 00:38:54,726 They liked church. 744 00:38:54,751 --> 00:38:56,355 - They loved church. - Mm. 745 00:38:56,380 --> 00:38:57,859 And your friends in the swim team. 746 00:38:57,884 --> 00:38:59,073 Well, no. 747 00:38:59,098 --> 00:39:01,418 Those girls didn't really like me. I was a bit... 748 00:39:01,695 --> 00:39:03,520 Bit competitive. 749 00:39:04,234 --> 00:39:05,691 "Was"? 750 00:39:05,716 --> 00:39:07,379 Okay. 751 00:39:08,109 --> 00:39:09,793 And I had the people at the restaurant, 752 00:39:09,818 --> 00:39:11,434 and I had you. 753 00:39:12,375 --> 00:39:16,973 I just don't know when I got so isolated from everyone. 754 00:39:18,694 --> 00:39:20,637 Wish you'd been here for the last 10 years. 755 00:39:20,662 --> 00:39:23,578 I mean, I'm not sure that would've actually helped. 756 00:39:26,486 --> 00:39:28,043 Why? 757 00:39:30,048 --> 00:39:32,613 People who think they're cut off from everyone 758 00:39:32,638 --> 00:39:36,020 are actually often walling themselves off from the world. 759 00:39:36,045 --> 00:39:37,502 Okay, can we not? 'Cause I've already 760 00:39:37,526 --> 00:39:39,715 turned down therapy once this week, so... 761 00:39:39,740 --> 00:39:41,307 No, yeah. Sure. 762 00:39:45,651 --> 00:39:47,609 I'm just saying, 763 00:39:47,634 --> 00:39:51,020 when you talk about wishing I'd been here... 764 00:39:51,659 --> 00:39:54,082 you're the one who pulled away. 765 00:39:56,596 --> 00:39:58,146 I pulled away? 766 00:39:58,497 --> 00:40:01,108 Okay, I mean, you were gone 767 00:40:01,133 --> 00:40:02,794 way before I got married, okay? 768 00:40:02,819 --> 00:40:04,038 Uh... How are we talking about this? 769 00:40:04,062 --> 00:40:05,701 I just wanted someone to talk with. 770 00:40:05,726 --> 00:40:07,201 Did you, though? 771 00:40:07,769 --> 00:40:09,530 'Cause from where I'm sitting, you wanted someone 772 00:40:09,554 --> 00:40:12,959 to listen and nod and agree with you. 773 00:40:14,669 --> 00:40:16,380 You know what? 774 00:40:16,666 --> 00:40:18,709 I take it back. 775 00:40:19,600 --> 00:40:21,428 I'm good. How are you? 776 00:40:30,116 --> 00:40:32,290 Wha... Have we been robbed? 777 00:40:32,315 --> 00:40:34,508 That is absolutely correct. 778 00:40:35,381 --> 00:40:37,141 Shouldn't we be calling the police? 779 00:40:37,166 --> 00:40:39,188 Oh, simple Allison. 780 00:40:39,856 --> 00:40:42,188 This is all a part of my master plan. 781 00:40:42,213 --> 00:40:43,800 Okay, well, the last time you said that, 782 00:40:43,824 --> 00:40:45,904 we had to cut down the oak tree to get you out of it. 783 00:40:46,518 --> 00:40:49,579 That tree was an eyesore for 300 years. 784 00:40:50,326 --> 00:40:52,126 Paul Revere planted it. 785 00:40:52,323 --> 00:40:53,790 Just listen. 786 00:40:53,815 --> 00:40:56,399 The security system picked up some of those damn neighbors 787 00:40:56,424 --> 00:40:58,153 lurking outside the house last night. 788 00:40:58,178 --> 00:40:59,440 Really? 789 00:40:59,465 --> 00:41:00,806 Wh... How do you know it was them? 790 00:41:00,830 --> 00:41:04,133 Uh, he was wearing the hoodie. 791 00:41:06,538 --> 00:41:08,290 That's tough, babe. 792 00:41:08,927 --> 00:41:10,430 Thank you. 793 00:41:10,455 --> 00:41:14,118 But as I was trying to lure an entire family of skunks 794 00:41:14,143 --> 00:41:15,626 under the neighbor's house, 795 00:41:15,651 --> 00:41:19,172 I realized that that security footage gives me all the ammo 796 00:41:19,197 --> 00:41:21,002 I need to go to the insurance company. 797 00:41:21,027 --> 00:41:23,672 So, ta-dah! 798 00:41:23,697 --> 00:41:25,833 Kevin, we agreed you'd give up magic 799 00:41:25,858 --> 00:41:27,782 when that playing card punctured your eardrum. 800 00:41:28,599 --> 00:41:31,602 Allison, I can't even hear you to agree with you. 801 00:41:33,175 --> 00:41:36,289 This is the magic of insurance. 802 00:41:36,314 --> 00:41:38,477 I talked to the guy about my stolen hoodie 803 00:41:38,502 --> 00:41:42,027 and all the, eh... wink... other stuff missin' here. 804 00:41:42,052 --> 00:41:44,672 Guy's coming down later today to take claims on everything. 805 00:41:44,713 --> 00:41:47,977 TV, Wade Boggs rookie card, your father's ashes. 806 00:41:48,002 --> 00:41:49,640 - Kevin. - I'm just kidding. 807 00:41:49,665 --> 00:41:51,469 He's not worth anything. 808 00:41:51,494 --> 00:41:54,688 No, I mean, isn't this fraud? 809 00:41:54,713 --> 00:41:55,766 No way. 810 00:41:55,791 --> 00:41:58,359 Our stuff is actually missing. 811 00:41:58,384 --> 00:42:01,477 I mean, maybe if you went over to Neil's garage... 812 00:42:01,502 --> 00:42:03,504 it might all be in there, but who knows? 813 00:42:03,529 --> 00:42:04,922 Not I! 814 00:42:04,947 --> 00:42:06,446 Y... No, no, no! And not you! 815 00:42:06,471 --> 00:42:07,994 I am not going in Neil's garage. 816 00:42:08,019 --> 00:42:09,934 - I am taking Bill out. - Whoa, whoa. 817 00:42:09,959 --> 00:42:12,024 Who's Bill, and where are you taking him? 818 00:42:12,782 --> 00:42:16,000 Bill is what I named our dog. Where is he? 819 00:42:16,025 --> 00:42:18,723 Oh, uh, that whole security system wasn't working. 820 00:42:18,748 --> 00:42:21,315 The cameras were blurry, the dog was a bum, 821 00:42:21,340 --> 00:42:24,212 and the bat broke when Neil and I were smashing watermelons. 822 00:42:24,237 --> 00:42:25,456 I scrapped all of it. 823 00:42:25,481 --> 00:42:26,917 All of it? 824 00:42:26,942 --> 00:42:29,155 - Even the dog? - I took him back to my guy. 825 00:42:29,180 --> 00:42:31,097 I expect I'll get some sort of store credit 826 00:42:31,122 --> 00:42:33,813 once he finds "Bill" tied to his porch. 827 00:42:33,838 --> 00:42:35,610 You abandoned the dog? 828 00:42:35,635 --> 00:42:38,602 When I left, I gave him half my bacon, egg, and cheese. 829 00:42:38,627 --> 00:42:41,212 If that's abandonment, abandon me every morning. 830 00:42:42,742 --> 00:42:45,173 With that insurance money, I can get the hoodie 831 00:42:45,198 --> 00:42:48,027 that Belichick wore in the 2017 playoffs. 832 00:42:49,666 --> 00:42:52,164 - So, that other hoodie... - Keep it, foreigners! 833 00:42:52,944 --> 00:42:55,163 Put another win on the board! 834 00:42:55,188 --> 00:43:00,193 In the game of life, it's Kevin 632, 835 00:43:00,233 --> 00:43:02,235 Life 3. 836 00:43:02,987 --> 00:43:05,296 New Belichick Hoodie Day, baby! 837 00:43:05,321 --> 00:43:07,383 Yay-uh! 838 00:43:30,208 --> 00:43:32,430 _ 839 00:43:32,715 --> 00:43:35,422 _ 840 00:43:56,019 --> 00:43:58,018 Oh, um, excuse me. 841 00:43:58,043 --> 00:44:00,830 Is there a therapist office in here? 842 00:44:00,855 --> 00:44:02,541 Therapist? 843 00:44:03,755 --> 00:44:05,182 Ah, yeah. 844 00:44:05,207 --> 00:44:07,721 Just, uh, ask for a wash like Barb gets. 845 00:44:07,746 --> 00:44:09,416 She'll hook you up. 846 00:44:09,839 --> 00:44:11,449 She'll "hook me"... 847 00:44:13,773 --> 00:44:15,650 Oh, it's drugs. 848 00:44:33,669 --> 00:44:35,283 One sec. 849 00:44:47,904 --> 00:44:49,674 Shit. 850 00:44:50,592 --> 00:44:52,294 Shit. 851 00:44:59,932 --> 00:45:02,932 Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie www.addic7ed.com 57890

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