All language subtitles for Dog.With.A.Blog.S03E18_English

Come on, Gracie and Freddy,
say, "Da-Da."

Say "Avery."

Say...(British accent)
"Now is the winter of our discontent,

made glorious summer
by this son of York."

Now say, "I'd like to dedicate
this Tony award to my father

who instilled in me a love of theater
from a very young age."

Stan, you've been trying
to get the puppies

to talk for weeks now.

Are you going to be disappointed
if they never do?

Avery,
these are my children.

I will love them
unconditionally.

If they don't talk,
they'll win the Tony for lighting design.

Do I want to know?

Wait a minute,
are you just assuming

we came from doing
something ridiculous?

-Yes.
-Then you'd be correct.

I discovered that Chloe's
a mastermind at coming up

with crazy fun things to do.

Like just now at the park
playing Tic-Tac-Tourist.

Just stand here.
After we're done,

the winning team
gets to buy lunch

for Hollywood's
latest teen heart-throb.

Yeah, I'm better-looking
in person.

Tyler, if you want a sister
with ideas for fun things to do,

there's a walking tour
of the Botanical Gardens that--

Okay, never mind.

There's an Ernst Lubitsch
marathon at the--

Moving on.

Oh! The Getty Museum
has a new tapestry exhibit.

Why am I still talking?

If you want fun things to do,
you can play with the puppies.

True, they're not
very interesting yet.

All they do right now
is eat, sleep, and--

Da-Da.

--sometimes like to bounce on a pillow.

Ahhh! Gracie talked!

Gracie talked!

Oh, my goodness!

This is amazing!
I can't believe it.

Da-Da.

How do you guys deal
with this?

It's a little freaky seeing words
come out of a dog's mouth.

There's finally another
talking dog in the world--

and it's my own daughter!

Although
when she becomes a teenager

and starts to talk back to me,
I might not be so excited.

Listen, young lady,

I don't care
if it is a full moon,

11 o'clock means 11 o'clock.

If you wanted to be nocturnal,

you should've been
born a possum.

You're dating one?!
Oh, where did I go wrong?

But even before
that challenge arises,

there was one other little
problem we had to deal with...

( cheering )

I can't believe
Gracie can talk.

I knew she could do it!

Figures it's the girl.

Wait. What if someone else
hears Gracie talking?

( scratching )

Freddy!
Get off that turntable.

Stan, what's my DJ equipment
doing in the kitchen?

It's not in the kitchen.

It's in Pasadena's hottest
new club -- Kitchen.

( dance music playing )

Hollywood's latest teen
heart-throb's at my club!

This is gonna be great
for business.

Guys.

Guys!
( music stops )

As much as I want to know
how you did all this,

and ask why you didn't do it
for my birthday party...

we have a bigger problem.

Gracie is talking.

If anyone sees her,

she'll be taken away
and experimented on.

Just like with me.

Great. Now we have another
secret to keep.

And it'll be
even harder this time

since Gracie
isn't old enough to realize

she can't talk in front
of anyone but us.

Well, until she learns,

I will not take
my eyes off my puppies.

I will be diligent,
I will be vigilant, I will be--

( snoring )

I like talking to you.

You always listen.
Plus, it helps you grow.

And I like playing
with you because

I'm tired of the kids
always beating me.

Oh, come on!

Da-Da.

No, no, sweetie,
it's "Ma-Ma."

Wait, what?!

Did you hear that?

Bennett, you'll never guess
what happened.

A husband working
from home

unsuccessfully
tried to get coffee

without being ambushed
by his wife?

No, that's what's happening.

I'm talking about
what happened.

A minute ago on the patio,

Gracie made a sound that
sounded exactly like "Da-Da."

Ellen, that's not
that strange.

The Internet is full
of videos of dogs barking

in ways that
sound like words.

There's a corgi in Texas

whose bark sounds like
"Howdy, y'all!"

Sure, it's a regional
stereotype,

but it's still adorable.

No, you have to hear this.

Come on,
do it again, Gracie.

Yeah.

Look, I have
to get back to work.

But tonight after dinner,

let's talk about
a hobby for you, hmm?

Ugh. And maybe talk about
getting a new coffee pot.

Gracie,
you're making me look bad.

-Da-Da.
-Dang it!

She did it again.

She barked "Da-Da."
Listen.

I swear, the bark sounded
like someone talking.

Have you ever heard of something
that sounds like a person

but with no human
intelligence behind it?

Come on, Gracie,
work with me.

-Da-Da.
-Seriously?!

The dog talks.
The dog talks!

I also see adult patients
from time to time.

Since you'll only sound like
a person in front of me,

I'm gonna get you on video
to show Bennett

I'm not imagining things.

Okay, tour group
that was Kitchen,

the hottest
new club in Pasadena.

Now who wants to
clean the room

of Hollywood's latest
teen heart-throb?

Well, at least his room
is getting cleaned.

I got you a treat,
yes, I did,

but you gotta earn it.
Say, "Da-Da."

Like this: "Da-Da."
"Ooh, good job, Ellen!"

This is surprisingly tasty.

Chicken and salmon together.
I would not have thought.

And it cleans my teeth?

Ahh, you're not gonna do it,
are you?

That's it. I give up.

-Da-Da.
-Yes!

I knew if I hung in there
long enough, you'd do it!

The puppy talks!
The puppy talks!

Mama's not crazy.

Mama's not crazy.

Ooh! Get outta my shot.

( beatboxing )

( "scratching" )

( beatboxing )

Well, Stan,
did you manage

to keep the puppies away
from Mom and Dad?

Relax, Avery.
Everything went great.

Gracie got away at one point,

but I'm pretty sure
no damage was done.

Hey, Avery,
your mom heard Gracie speak.

Ahhhh!

No, no, no, sweetie.
Dogs can't really talk.

It's just a weird bark
that makes it

sound like
the dog is talking.

-Whew!
-Ahhhh!

See?
Stan has a weird bark, too.

Whew!

The funny part is,
your mom made a video

of Gracie barking "Da-Da"
and put it on the Internet.

Ahhh!

I know, right?

I was pretty shocked
that your mom knew

how to post anything
to the Internet, too.

STAN: Tell me about it.
My wife can't even set the DVR.

( Ellen beatboxing
on video )

Wow! Your mother really knows
how to kick it old school.

Well, the video has only
received 37 hits,

so it hasn't gone viral.

And the good news is
all the comments say "fake."

Except for this one comment by

DrBennettJamesPhD1234,

which says "first."

Oh, you're checking out
that video Mom posted?

I can't believe
Dad wrote "first."

He was, like, tenth.

I don't think
he knows what that means.

Do I want to know?

Wait a minute.
Are you just assuming

we came back from doing
something ridiculous?

This time you're wearing
gorilla costumes!

You are observant.

Chloe came up with
another crazy fun thing to do.

We ran through the zoo
like we just escaped.

And next time we're gonna
try it in these costumes.

Well, while you guys
were buying bananas

at the grocery store
in those costumes--

How'd you know?

Well, that's what
I would've done.

So while you guys
were doing that

I was very effectively teaching
Gracie how to be quiet.

-Quiet.
-Oh, my gosh,

I just taught her
another word!

I'm such a fool!

Quiet, fool.

This is bad.

Now people can't
write off "Da-Da"

as a weird bark if they
hear her say other stuff.

Can you get Gracie
to stop talking, Stan?

I've tried,
but she doesn't understand.

Quiet, fool.

She understands
how to be sassy.

Now we really to have
to keep Gracie away from people.

Kids, I have big news.

News so big
I'm going to ignore the fact

that you are apparently
monkeying around without me.

Ha ha! Good one, Ell--
No! No time.

Graham Cavanaugh,

host of Night Night
with Graham Cavanaugh,

saw my video with Gracie
and wants us on his show.

Graham's producer said that

even though
there are lots of videos

where it sounds like
dogs are talking,

what really drew
them to mine

was that they also thought
I was funny.

Isn't that great, guys?

Millions of people
watch Graham's show!

Millions of people
are gonna see Gracie?

Yeah, yeah.
Her, too.

Guys, your mom and Gracie
are gonna be on

Night Night
with Graham Cavanaugh.

This is terrible.

Since it's about my puppies,
I'm gonna take over here.

We need a plan!

We need a plan so crazy
it just might work.

This plan should be very smart.

Come on, Avery.
Everyone else is contributing.

What's wrong with you?

I'm trying to think
of an actual plan

instead of just saying stuff.

Some people help.
Some people just make excuses.

Some people just make excuses.

Boy, that could get
really annoying

if she starts repeating
everything we say.

You're right, Gracie,
that was a hacky set-up.

Hacky? That's it.

What if Mom does her comedy?

We'll encourage
her to steal the show

and take all the attention
away from Gracie

so Gracie will never have
a chance to say anything on camera.

The producers did tell Mom
she was funny for some reason.

Good plan, Tyler.

I came up with the plan.

Hmm, I don't remember it
that way.

Starts repeating
everything we say.

Timing.

This is pretty
exciting, hon.

The only time
I've been on TV is

when I was on the Kiss Cam
at a baseball game.

Unfortunately, I was right
next to the San Diego Chicken.

I was spitting feathers
till the fifth inning.

Ellen Jennings?

I'm Leslie Lindemulder,
producer.

Welcome to Night Night.
I see you brought your family.

All of them.
Including an additional dog.

Wonderful.

You know, I've always
wanted to be on TV,

because as a child,

I was denied watching it
in favor of marionette shows.

Little known fact about me,

I was raised
by bitter puppeteers.

I'll be right back.

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie
brought their kids.

They ate all the candy
in the green room,

and now they're somewhere
in the duct work.

Did you say "duct work"
or "duck work?"

Because I'm known
for my duck work.

( quacking )

They're so adorable
at this age, aren't they?

You know, this could be
a big night for you, Mom.

A lot of famous careers
have started out

on late night television.

Remember,
you do all the talking.

No one wants to hear
a dog talk.

They want to hear you.

Look at her being all cute,
trying to steal your thunder.

She is, isn't she?

It is time
for the world to discover

what we've always known--

you are smart,
funny, talented--

Why does your breath
smell like chicken and salmon?

You know, maybe I could
talk to Graham

about all the viral videos
I've starred in.

My Donkey Laugh Lady commercial,

that Halloween I got so scared
I fear puked,

"Linguini Limbs."

Linguini Limbs?

I'm a star.

A big, hot,
gassy ball of wonderful.

Wait, you put
Linguine Limbs online?

-Yeah.
-Oh!

-"First."
-You are not first!

All righty.

I got those Jolie-Pitt
kids get out of the ducts.

I promised them they
could braid my hair.

Now my Saturday's all set.

Speaking of kids,

I'm a renowned
child psychologist and author.

If you need
an additional guest,

I brought a copy
of my book to plug.

That won't be necessary.

Don't you think this would
look good in Graham's hands

as he points it towards,
I believe, camera two?

We definitely have
a spot for this.

Now let's go get you ready.

Okay.

If your mom becomes
a famous comedienne after this

and gets her own
sitcom about a talking dog,

I better get to audition--

as the wacky neighbor.

"Whoa, Ellen!
You have a talking dog?"

My next guests
are a homemaker and a puppy

who have captured the hearts
of at least...

200 people on the Internet.

But tonight,
they'll be introduced

to two million people.

Wait, who does
Jon Stewart have on?

Someone from the U.N.?

Four million people!

All right, please welcome
Ellen Jennings and Gracie!

( cheers and applause )

Hey! Right over here.

That puppy
has the cutest little face.

Oh, really?

Yeah. Hmm.
Okay, then.

Anyway, I've prepared a routine
I'd like to do right now.

I was kind of hoping
to hear the puppy talk,

and not from that end.

Great, thanks.
Cameraman, follow me.

It's working.

Mom is taking all the
attention away from Gracie.

Chloe!

What? We hear Mommy's jokes
all the time.

Fine.

Can't believe
I'm on national TV.

I always thought
it was a remote possibility.

Ha ha! Good one, Ell--

El-- Oh, no!

Her own stomach
is heckling her.

Mom, are you about
to fear puke?

Of course not.

Fear puke is for
when you see scary things

like ghosts, monsters,
carnival folk.

I'm about to stage puke.

Stage puke? I thought
you did community theater.

Yes, and the first four rows
were considered a splash zone.

Now out of my way!

( Ellen retching )

ELLEN: Oh, is that
seafood platter for everyone?

Well, I'm glad
we kept her mic on.

So, Gracie, your turn.

I mean to talk, not to hork

like my ex-girlfriend
after I proposed to her.

It wasn't me, it was
the undercooked tenderloin.

But yes, she left me
and I'm lonely.

Oh, no.
Gracie is gonna speak.

We have to get out there
and distract Graham.

-Doing what?
-I don't know.

Come on, pup, say "Da-Da"

like in the video.

Or say, "This segment seemed
like a good idea at the time."

Graham, over here!

Hey! Who are you?

I'm the horker's daughter.

Sorry about
your ex-girlfriend.

You're a great guy,
you're gonna find somebody.

I have my own talent.

( joints crack )

Ohhh! That's unnatural.

I'm her brother.
I have a talent, too.

Is it being a security guard?

'Cause apparently
we don't have any of those.

Nope, I'm a professional
BMX rider.

But I don't have my bike here,

so you'll have to use
your imagination.

Wheelie!

Bell: "Bling-bling!"

Whooo!

If you're just tuning in
from another show, go back.

Go back.

Who are you?!

Dr. Bennett James,

world renowned child
psychologist and author.

If you need to get a handle on

-out of control kids--
-Dad, watch out!!!

Hi! I believe...

camera two?

Okay, everyone
get off the stage.

Let's give Mr. Cavanaugh
his show back.

Kids, we need to go.

Parenting expert.

Yeah, you're doing
a bang-up job.

Okay, I'm back.

As I was saying before,
my name is El--

Oh, boy, still a little
left in the basement.

Okay, let's hear this
puppy say one word.

This is it, Tyler.
I can't watch.

I wonder if my online
sales have spiked yet.

CHLOE: And we finish
your week-long

celebrity tour at the set of
Night Night with Graham Cavanaugh.

( repeating in Spanish )

...Night Night
with Graham Cavanaugh.

Before we run out
of time, Gracie,

this is your last chance
to say something.

There's Graham Cavanaugh!
Go get an autograph!

STAN: Oh. Guess I didn't have
to do a high dive

into a glass of water
after all.

Well, that's all the time
we have, folks.

Everyone's fired, including me.

Goodnight!

And we're clear.

And now that we're both fired,
we can finally be together.

I was joking
about being fired.

So, how'd I do?

GRAHAM: That's all the time
we have, folks.

Everyone's fired, including me.
Goodnight!

Well, that turned out
as well as I remembered it.

Too bad they never got
to see Gracie talk.

Oh, what a shame.
Big loss.

Our plan worked.

Honey,
it has been a long day.

Let's get you into bed
for some much needed rest.

Well, since they ran out of time
before I got to do my thing,

do you think they want to
have me back tomorrow?

Your picture is up
at the security desk.

Oh, should I go sign it?

I can't believe we managed
to take over the show

enough to keep
Gracie's secret safe.

I can't believe any
of what happened, happened.

I can't believe
I speak Spanish.

You study it at school.

Not very hard.

Gracie, you can't talk
in front of anyone except us.

It means so much to me that I'm gonna
be able to talk to my daughter.

It's just, I love you and I don't want
anything to happen to you.

Okay, Da-Da.

I think she gets it.

Dogs develop faster
than people.

Maybe she's at a point

where she's finally
able to understand.

All our worries are over.

He's gonna be a handful.
At least he can't talk.

There's the sugar.

Quiet, fool.

STAN: Avery was right--
Gracie did get it.

And soon, Freddy will too.

Not that it's gonna be easy.
Sometimes even I slip up.

So keeping the secret's always
gonna be a challenge.

Although someday
everyone's gonna know,

when Ellen gets her sitcom
and I play the wacky neighbor.

♪ Good one, Ellen! ♪
( TV theme music plays )

( studio audience cheering )

I'm ho-o-ome!

It's about time!

Where's my kibble?!

So, Ellen, I need to go to
my high school reunion.

Will you pretend
to be my wife?

AUDIENCE: Whoooo!

I don't think
you should do that, Ellen.

Whoa, Ellen!
You have a talking dog?

You could say
he's my "pet project."

Ha ha! Good one, Ellen!

People will watch anything...
if it's well cast.