All language subtitles for Dog.With.A.Blog.S02E19_English

-Hey, Mom.
-Hey, stink bug.

I'm so excited.

There's a-- Okay, do I stink?
Now you're inside my head.

You're stinking cute, you little bug.

Okay, let's start this whole thing again.

Hey, Mom. Don't reply.

There's a museum exhibit
I'm dying to see in San Francisco.

It's nearly sold out,
but I managed to get us

two tickets for next Saturday night

and I was hoping you and I could go.

Oh, that sounds like
so much fun, stink-- Avery.

Gimme the deets, GF.
That's teen speak, GF.

See? I'm getting ready
for some mother-daughter bonding.

We should totally do each other's nails.

Yeah, we have plenty of time
for none of that, GF.

All right. So, we'll drive up
Friday night.

Our tickets aren't until Saturday night,

so we'll get up there nice and early.

Oh. We can bond as we drive up the coast.

I heard it's so beautiful.
I've always wanted to see it.

Oh, and maybe someday you will.

But this trip,
we're taking the fast route inland,

bonding through the cow fields.

You can moo at them
and hope that they respond

like you always do when you see cows.

I do love a good moo-back.

So, Avery and I are going
to San Francisco next weekend.

It was Avery's idea.
Don't make a big thing about it.

She came to me!

Well, of course. She can't drive and...

I mean, she came to you. That's great.

But my dance recital is next Saturday.

Oh, my gosh, I totally forgot.

I'm so sorry, Chloe.

I bought the tickets
and I totally forgot about your recital.

But we don't want
to miss seeing you dance.

There. You saw me dance.

The real problem is,

who's gonna do my makeup and hair bun?

You have no idea how important

it is to get the makeup
and hair exactly right.

Face it, none of us can dance.
It's all about the buns.

Well, sweetie, I could do your bun.

Really? What's the difference

between a hair pin and a bobby pin?

Too late! My hair fell into my eyes,

I twirled off stage into the front row,

and landed in a face full of grandma-lap.

Yeah, Bennett, you can't just do the bun.

I went to three weeks
of bun-making seminars.

Remember, my hand
got stuck in a bun-cramp?

Avery, what if we postpone the trip?

We can't. The exhibit closes that night.

All right, Chloe, what if I do your hair

first thing Saturday morning,
and then we leave right after?

We'll still have plenty of time
to make it to the museum.

-I guess that could work.
-But I have to keep my bun perfect

all day. What if something goes wrong?

Like Olivia Winder challenging me
to a somersault contest.

I'm supposed to just plunk out?

Well, girls, that sounds like
a good compromise.

Avery gets her trip, Chloe, gets her bun

and with the bed all to myself,
I can sleep like a spider.

-Stan, wake up.
-It's 5:00 A.M., Tyler.

If you need to see me,
make an appointment with my assistant.

He's actually an intern.
He's trying to break into the business.

-Monkey business?
-Tyler, be serious.

You be serious. I need your help.
Nikki's gone and--

Nikki's gone?
Don't worry, Tyler, I can find her.

I have a very particular set of skills,

skills I have acquired
over a very long career...

as a dog.

Robert, clear my schedule.

No, she's not missing.

She flew back to El Salvador
last night to visit her aunt.

The one who works on Lace and Tears?

That's my favorite telenovela!

Oh, there's something I've always wondered

about that show that
she has to ask her aunt for me.

What are they talking about?
Because I don't speak Spanish.

We haven't been dating that long,

and it's our first time apart,
so I don't know what to text her.

Oh, Robert, you have a similar situation

with that stuffed elephant
in Canada, right?

Oh, she did? Never mind then.

Continue.

When I was chasing after Nikki,

she wasn't interested
because I was trying too hard.

So I have to play it cool.

But I so want to tell her
that she's my life,

my world, the air that I breathe.

Wait, I know.

Winky face. And send.

Come on, Mom, it's 5:00 A.M. Let's go!

You said we were leaving in the morning.

You didn't say anything about 5:00 A.M.

It was right there in the itinerary
I slipped under your door.

Wait, is that what came
under my door at 2:00 A.M.?

I was so drowsy,
I thought I was at a hotel.

I ordered a cheese plate
and tried to check out on the DVR.

But the cheese plate came.

Nice work, Robert.

Come on, Mom, we need to get on
the road to San Francisco.

Wait. I have to do Chloe's hair first.

I know. She's in the kitchen.

Okay, great. I'll do her bun,
then I have to go upstairs

and pick up the towels
I left on the floor,

and return the bathrobe
I apparently stole from myself.

All right, you have half an hour
to get Chloe's bun and makeup done

so that we can stay on schedule.

That's not nearly enough time.

Well, I budgeted one minute for you

to complain about not having
nearly enough time,

so if you'd like to stop complaining now,

you can roll the remaining 45 seconds

into your hair and makeup time.

Okay, let's go, Chloe.

All right, I am gonna pack up the car.

You have 27 minutes.

I had 30 minutes a minute ago.

Mom, I know I'm being
a little rigid about all this,

but it's only because I can't wait
to get on the road with you

and have the best time ever.
You have 25 minutes.

-Ow, ow, oww.
-Too tight?

My ballet teacher, Madame Olga says,

( in Russian accent )
A bun that is too tight

is like a good bowl of borscht.

There's no such thing.

Ow! Oww! Oww!

Okay, done. Just be very careful
not to get your hair or makeup

messed up before tonight.
You feeling okay?

The pain has changed to a dull throb,

so if Madame Olga is right,

( Russian accent )
soon the numbness will blanket me

like a Siberian winter.

So good job, Mommy!

Stan, you have
a huge responsibility today.

While I'm gone,
you're gonna have to be me.

I can do that.

TOGETHER: It's not as easy as you think.

What are you doing?

Just repeating me doesn't mean
you're being me.

Stop that. Stop that now.

Stop that now.

Now. Now!

This may sound arrogant, but I'm the glue

that holds this family together.

But I thought I was the glue.

Oh, no, of course. You are the glue.

I'm more of the fixer.

Then you should probably go back

and fix that comment about me
not being the glue,

because it was very hurtful.

You know, you're right. It was thoughtless
of me and I'm very sorry.

Wow, I feel a lot better.

You are the fixer.

So if anything happens while I'm away,

you're gonna have to step in and fix it.

That's what I meant before
when I said you have to be me.

You got it, Avery.

TOGETHER: Thanks, Stan.

That means a lot to-- Stop it, Stan!

I just hope everything goes smoothly.

This weekend is so important to me.

Mom thinks we're going to the museum

to see an exhibit, but I have something

very special that I want
to surprise her with.

Oh, my gosh,
you're going to steal a painting!

Why did you tell me? Now I'm in on it!

After my mild freak out,

in which I suggested we set Robert up

as the patsy to take the fall

for stealing the painting,

Avery decided not to tell me
what the surprise was.

Don't worry, Robert.

I would've made sure
your family was taken care of.

-Bye, Mommy. Bye, Avery.
-Have fun, gals!

Okay, I did not want to worry Mommy

and spoil their trip,
but I'm feeling a little woozy.

Oh, I didn't realize it was this bad.

I think I might be coming down
with something.

I need to sit down.

My bun!

Seriously, I need to sit down.

Oh, no. Avery left me to be the fixer.

So many problems: Chloe's bun,

Bennett's sick, Tyler's missing.

Well, solved the Tyler problem.

I think I've earned a massage.

Robert, crack those knuckles

and meet me on the patio.

No, this is what you signed up for.

Dad, you need to get better.

Oh. I'm okay. It's just a little cold.

No, I mean get better at fixing hair.
Look at me!

I'm gonna look at you with my eyes closed.

That'll be nice.

Oh, yeah, it is.

Man, Nikki never replied
to my winky-face text.

I can't text her twice in a row.

That wouldn't be cool. What do I do?

Nikki would know, she knows everything.

I should text her. No!

We got to call Mommy
and tell her to come back and fix my hair.

( Stan exclaims )

And your makeup. Whoa!

What's wrong with my makeup?

Nothing, if you're in a heavy metal band.

But don't worry about that.

We're not ruining your mom's
and Avery's trip.

So what's the plan?

I see only one option:

you join a heavy metal band.

Can you play three chords
on a guitar and go like this?

( screaming )

What was that?

And there's mile marker 254. Check.

Are you going to check off
every mile marker we pass?

Well, I need to do something
between checking off every time you say,

"Isn't this fun" while doing
a little shoulder dance.

Well, isn't this fun?

And there's another cow herd. Moo!

( cows mooing )

Yes! Check that off!

Already did. You're up to seven moo-backs.

Eight, if you include
that hitchhiker who mooed for some reason.

I have to say, Mom, I'm pretty stoked.

Traffic is light
and we're ahead of schedule.

We might even have time
before the exhibit to visit Alcatraz.

Oh. I hope it's not too late
to get tickets.

How do you even get into Alcatraz?

Commit a crime before 1963.

We are having so much fun.

Daddy, you're looking much better.

Ah, I'm feeling much better.

Then can you fix my hair?

Of course, Tyler.

Oh, no.

Chloe's dance recital
is just a few hours away.

If I'm gonna be Avery,
I've got to fix this.

But if I'm gonna fix this,
I've got to be Avery.

Avery? Well, how was the museum?

Or Stan, good boy.

I don't know what is going on.

Bennett can use the hair spray
on Chloe's hair.

If this doesn't work,
I don't know what I'm gonna do.

Ooh, Tyler's phone.

Nikki would know what to do.

She knows everything.

"I need you, Nikki."

Chloe, what are you doing with my phone?

And Stan, why are you dressed like--
Okay, I don't even care.

Chloe, what are you doing with my phone?

"I need you, Nikki."

What? She's going to think
this is from me!

"I'm so sad about my hair.

"How am I gonna dance
with the other girls tonight?"

Chloe!

Tyler, do not yell at
the red plant I'm watering.

You're a thirsty little shrub, aren't you?

Aw, man.

Why was I fluffing
while you were spraying?

It's just getting worse and worse.

Of all the times for Robert

to take a personal day
and stick me with Chris.

And you wonder
why you're still a temp, Chris.

Don't give up on yourself, Chris.

We're making great time,
and I only missed one mile marker

when I had to calm you down
after that double moo-back.

I'm still freaking out.

A double moo-back, Avery!
What does it mean?

Ooh, there's another sign
for the Greenville Garlic Extravaganza.

We have time.

Mom, let's just ride this double moo-back
wave and go out on a high note.

Come on, Avery. We're making
such great time that we have a cushion.

I want to allow that extra time
to make sure that we get there.

Oh, Avery, come on.

Mom, I don't want us to miss

the surprise... ingly good
time that we're gonna have.

We need that cushion in case
things go horribly wrong.

What could go horribly wrong?

So remember when we weren't stuck

on the side of a mountain road
in a snowstorm,

and you suggested we drive up
to the garlic festival

and then asked,
"What could go horribly wrong?"

Vaguely.

Now we're stuck in the snow,

and we'll never make it to the museum.

And just so you could get
all these stupid garlic souvenirs.

Stupid? This T-shirt's scratch and sniff.

It smells like garlic if you do this.

That's not the t-shirt, that's you.

I understand you're upset,
and in retrospect,

perhaps the garlic detour
was a bit ill-conceived,

but I've got something
that'll cheer you up.

It's your favorite CD
from when you were little.

Remember when you were little?

And there were CDs?

Don't forget the moves we made up.

♪ When you're driving down the street ♪

♪ All the friendly cars you meet ♪

♪ Like to stop and say hello... ♪

Hey you better join me for the honks.

♪ Honk, honk! Honk, honk... ♪

Spell me the word, stink bug.

Or Stinky B.

That's what I like to call you
when you rock the mic.

Come on, Avery,
this is the part we used to do together.

♪ Honk, honk! Honk, honk! ♪

♪ Honk, honk! Honk, honk! ♪

♪ Honk, honk! Honk, honk! ♪

The only friendly car
that I want to meet is a tow truck.

Honk, honk!

I'm sorry we missed the museum.

But we can still make memories together.

Maybe now would be a good time
to do each other's nails.

I'll go put on the snow chains.

( phone rings )

Hello?

Oh. Hey, Nikki.

Oh, if you left your phone at my house,

why don't you just call Tyler
and ask him to look for it?

Yeah, I don't know anyone's number either.

But I bet that business card
I gave you doesn't seem

so silly now, does it?

Do you need another one? I have 999 left.

Yeah, I agree, one is enough.

Yeah, let me look up
Tyler's phone number for you.

Hello? Hello?

No signal.

Whoa!

Hey, look at this.

Look, a snow baby walked up
the side of the car.

Silly snow baby.

BENNETT: Whose phone is this?

Oh, Tyler's texting me. That's nice.

Oh, look. He's going dancing
with other girls.

That's my boy.

I texted Nikki that Chloe's
the one who sent

those other texts before,
but she hasn't replied.

She must not believe me. I mean--

What if she never talks to me again?

We have bigger problems.

Big, red, curly problems.

And as the acting Avery, I command you--

-Isn't that what she does?
-Yeah.

I command you to rinse all that hairspray

out of Chloe's hair and fix it.

How do you know I won't mess up her hair

because I'm mad at her
for sending those texts?

Because, you're a good brother.

And because you can't
willfully mess up hair.

It means too much to you.

True. But what do I know about
doing a girl's hair?

It's just like doing your hair,

-only it doesn't take nearly as long.
-True.

All right, Chloe, come here.
We're going to do your hair.

I already did my makeup.

Wash that off, too.

I don't want to. I love clowns.

Tyler? Tyler?

I hate being sick.
My throat hurts so much.

( phone chimes )

Oh, it's from Nikki!

She says her throat
hurts so much, she couldn't call me.

You can deal with that later.

I have to get ready for my recital.
It's in an hour!

I'm gonna ask her about her feelings.
Girls love that.

He's asking about my feelings.

I love that.

She says she feels hot, then cold.

Women. Am I right?

Now she says she's sweating like a pig.

Have we reached
the part in our relationship

where nothing's embarrassing? Aw, yeah.

"You're the cutest pig I've ever seen."

You're a sweet boy, Tyler.

Thanks, Dad.

Hello?

All right, Stan, I got all the makeup off.

But I've got less than an hour

before we have to be at my recital.

If I show up looking like this,

Madame Olga's gonna say,
( Russian accent ) "Its okay, Chloe,"

but not mean it!

I'm sorry, Chloe.

I tried to be Avery but I'm just not.

Of course you're not. You're a dog.

Avery's the future CEO
of a Fortune 500 company.

At least that's what it says
on her business card.

Wait a minute, you're right.

I'm a dog.

I need to solve your problem
the way a dog would.

Dogs groom each other,
and that's what I'm gonna do to you.

Sit right here and get ready
to feel special.

Thanks, Stan.
That's amazing, but will it hold?

Oh, yeah.

I used a special product
to make sure it does.

Dog slobber.

Now if you'll excuse me.

( coughing )

Oh, there's your barrette.

But what about my makeup?

I have a plan for that, too.

Bam! Bam! Bam!

Bam! Bam! Bam!

Wow. Stan, it's amazing you can do that.

Not really.

This is something all dogs can do.

Why do you think supermodels
have dogs in their purses?

I look great, but who's gonna
get me flowers?

I can't be the only girl without flowers.

Women. Am I right?

I'll get you some flowers.

I'm telling you,
if a woman invented snow chains,

they'd go right on. Men. Am I right?

I guess we're going to have to stay here
and wait until it clears up.

Sweetie, I'm sorry
we're missing the museum.

I know you really wanted
to see that exhibit.

I just can't believe we came all this way

-and you won't even get to see the Munier.
-The what?

The print that you have
hanging in your room.

Munier's Mother Dearest.

I remember how you told me
that was the painting

that you would look at when you used to
rock me to sleep every night.

Then when I got a little older,

-we would look at it together.
-I love that painting.

You pointed to it when you
said your first word: "Mama."

I was a little hurt
you weren't pointing at me,

but that's fine, that's fine.

Whenever I look at the mother and daughter

in that painting, I always think of us.

I know. And I wanted us
to go see the original together.

It's temporarily on display at the museum.

That's why I wanted to go so badly.

This trip was all for me?

Yeah. I wanted to surprise you.

Now I'm really sad we're missing it,

and not because the tickets cost
so much "Munier."

Good one, Ellen.

Gosh, I can't believe you were doing this
amazing, thoughtful thing.

I ruined the whole trip by getting angry.

I just wanted this weekend to be perfect.

Oh, sweetie, this is perfect.

This is exactly what I wanted,
this moment.

Us. Bonding. I'll never forget it.

Thanks, Mom. I'll never forget it, either.

Love you.

Hey, I know what we need.

♪ If a car is feeling sad,
he will cry honk, honk ♪

♪ If a car gets confused,
he will say why, honk, honk ♪

♪ Honk, honk! Honk, honk! ♪

♪ Honk, honk! Honk, honk! ♪

♪ Honk, honk! Honk, honk! ♪

Stinky B.

♪ Honk, honk! Honk, honk! ♪

♪ Honk, honk! Honk, honk! ♪

-Hey, how was the museum?
-No, we didn't make it.

What? That's terrible.

We were trapped in the car,
stuck in the snow,

in the middle of nowhere for hours.

She had to talk to me. It was great!

Mom, I wanted to talk to you.

Which anecdote about my wacky life
did you enjoy the most?

Probably the time that you
and your roommates took that wild trip--

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was great.

Mommy! You're home!

Oh, sweetie, how was the recital?
I can't wait to see the video.

I had the best bun,
and I got the biggest flowers

from Daddy with a note saying,

"I'll love you forever, Tiffany."

I don't know.

I did a great job.
I must've been in the zone.

I don't remember any of it.

Sweetie, you don't look so good.

I'm not, hon. I've got a 102-degree fever.

I spent the weekend
shaking and shivering and...

Well, this is the only thing
that gives me any comfort.

I call her Joanie.

Come on, let's get you some tea.

Just having you home
is making me feel better already.

Why am I holding a hairball?

Hey, Tyler. Nikki left her phone here.
She said she misses you.

She does? Awesome!

Wait, if the phone was here on the couch,

does that mean I was texting with Dad?

You said you loved his cute little nose.

I told Nikki to put a password
on her phone.

Women, am I right?

STAN: I got to say,
being Avery is hard work.

But it went a lot smoother
when I started doing it as me.

I'm even selling my own
dog slobber hair product.

I call it - Dog Slobber Hair Product.

It hasn't been selling.
Do you think it's the name?