All language subtitles for Dog.With.A.Blog.S01E19_English

ALL RIGHT. GUYS,
THIS IS REALLY IMPORTANT.

TAKE A KNEE.

UH...MY KNEES DON'T BEND LIKE YOURS,

SO UNLESS YOU WANT
TO HEAR A LOUD SNAP

AND INVEST IN BACK WHEELS FOR ME,
I BETTER SIT.

DON'T FORGET WHAT'S AT STAKE HERE;

VIP TICKETS TO THE SOLD-OUT
ROCK-A-PALOOZA CONCERT

AND FOR ANYONE OVER 21,
BACKSTAGE PASSES.

WAIT. IF WE ADD UP
ALL OUR AGES, WE'RE IN!

YEAH, WE'RE IN.

-PHONES READY?
-All: READY.

Man on radio: ( barking )
DJ BIG DOG'S BACK.

( laughs ) I'M GONNA EAT YOUR CAT!

SOMETHING ABOUT THIS GUY
REALLY SPEAKS TO ME.

DJ: ROCK-A-PALOOZA TICKETS GOING
TO CALLER NUMBER 12. GO!

GO, GO, GO!

AAH, IT'S BUSY!

OH, MINE'S RINGING!

I'M THROUGH!

CHLOE, YOU KNOW THAT'S
THE TV REMOTE, RIGHT?

SHH, I'M TALKING TO RUSSIA!

( with Russian accent )
DIMITRI, IS THAT YOU?

OH, I'M IN! I'M IN!

DANG IT! I GOT SOME PIZZA PLACE!

( grunts ) I'M CALLER NINE.

I'M DIALING THE LAST NUMBER.

RIGHT NOW, I'D GIVE UP SUPER-HEARING
FOR ONE SLIM FINGER.

PEPPERONI AND MUSHROOM.

HEY, DO WE WANT CHEESY BREAD?

THIS IS NO TIME FOR STUPID QUESTIONS!

OF COURSE WE WANT CHEESY BREAD!

DJ: HELLO, LUCKY CALLER 12!

WHO'S BARKIN' AT THE BIG DOG?

THIS IS STAN.

WELL, STAN, EAT MY CAT!

YOU JUST SCORED
THE HOTTEST TICKETS IN TOWN.

FORGET THE TICKETS.

I GET TO EAT YOUR CAT?

♪♪

GOOD NEWS. I WAS ABLE TO
BOOK US A WHOLE SERIES

OF SPA TREATMENTS FOR OUR WEEKEND.

AVOCADO MASK, SALMON OIL RUB,
AND SEAWEED WRAP.

ARE THEY MASSAGING US
OR TURNING US INTO SUSHI?

ELLEN, WE'RE GETTING AWAY
FROM THE KIDS FOR THE WEEKEND.

THEY COULD BEAT ME WITH A BAG
OF ORANGES FOR ALL I CARE.

YOU KNOW WHAT?
I DON'T THINK WE SHOULD GO.

WHAT?

WELL, THERE'S ALL THIS YOGURT
THAT EXPIRES IN THE NEXT TWO DAYS.

IT HAS ACTIVE CULTURES.

WE DON'T WANT TO COME BACK TO A FRIDGE
FULL OF INACTIVE YOGURT.

COME ON, ELLEN.

YOU ACT LIKE YOU'VE NEVER BEEN
AWAY FROM THE KIDS BEFORE.

DON'T TELL ME THAT MY CONCERN
FOR OUR CHILDREN IS UNHEALTHY.

I JUST THINK--

AND DON'T TELL ME THAT OUR
SPENDING TIME ALONE TOGETHER

IS IMPORTANT, BECAUSE IT'S NOT.

EXCUSE ME, WHAT?

NO, I MEAN, IT'S IMPORTANT, OF COURSE.

BUT WE'LL HAVE PLENTY OF TIME FOR THAT

WHEN THE KIDS HAVE GROWN UP
AND LEFT THE HOUSE.

HONEY, NOW YOU'RE
NOT MAKING ANY SENSE.

TYLER IS NEVER GONNA LEAVE THE HOUSE.

LOOK, MY MOTHER'S GONNA WATCH THE KIDS

WHILE YOU AND I GET TO SPEND
A LITTLE QUALITY TIME TOGETHER.

IT'LL BE FINE.

-ARE YOU SURE?
-MM-HMM.

DOES SHE KNOW THE FIRST
THING ABOUT MOTHERING?

I MEAN LOOK AT THE RESULTS SHE GOT
RAISING HER OWN CHILDREN.

WHAT?

NOT YOU. YOUR BROTHER
THE NEUROSURGEON

WITH THE TWO HOUSES
WHO DOES ALL THE CHARITY WORK,

HE'S A HOT MESS.

I'LL GO PACK.

Stan: I'VE NEVER MET MY OWN GRANDPARENTS,

BUT MY GREAT-GRANDFATHER
WAS A VERY RESPECTED INVENTOR.

HE CAME UP WITH THE BUTT SCOOT.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

ANYWAY, INSTEAD OF THE LOVING
ARMS OF A GRANDPARENT,

I ALWAYS HAD ROBERT,
MY STUFFED ORANGE MONKEY.

HE WAS MY BEST FRIEND.

LIKE ANY GOOD FRIEND,
HE HAD A SUPER-REINFORCED NECK

SO I COULDN'T BITE HIS HEAD OFF.

THEN ONE DAY HE WENT MISSING
AND IT BROKE MY HEART.

TO THIS DAY, I WONDER WHAT BECAME OF HIM.

DID HE JOIN THE CIRCUS?

DID HE BUY A CATAMARAN
AND SAIL AROUND THE WORLD?

OR DID HE GET CAUGHT UP
IN THE CUT-THROAT WORLD

OF RHYTHMIC GYMNASTICS?

HONEY, COME ON.

ELLEN. ELLEN. ELLEN!

IT'S ONE NIGHT. HOW MANY
DRESSES DO YOU HAVE IN THERE?

THESE ARE MY SHOES.
MY DRESSES ARE UPSTAIRS.

CAN YOU GET THEM FOR ME?

OKAY, BUT WE GOTTA HURRY.
MY MOM WILL BE HERE SOON.

I KNOW. I SAW THE SKIES DARKEN
AND HEARD A CHICKEN SHRIEK.

SHE'S NOT THAT BAD.

OH, COME SAY GOODBYE.

WE ARE ALL GONNA MISS
ACH OTHER SO MUCH.

WAIT, YOU GUYS ARE STILL HERE?

I THOUGHT YOU LEFT ALREADY.

SWEETHEART, I WOULDN'T LEAVE
WITHOUT SAYING GOODBYE.

WE'RE ALL GOING TO MISS
EACH OTHER SO MUCH.

YOU GUYS ARE STILL HERE?

I THOUGHT YOU LEFT ALREADY.

( groans ) THIS IS GOOD.

NOW IF WE GET LOST IN THE DESERT
AND WANDER FOR 40 YEARS,

YOU'LL HAVE AN OUTFIT FOR EACH DAY.

FINE, LEAVE THE LITTLE ONE BEHIND.

THAT'S MINE!

KIDS, DON'T GIVE GRANDMA JAMES
A HARD TIME WHILE WE'RE AWAY.

BUT ALL SHE DOES IS MAKE US DO CHORES.

"WHERE'S THE CARPET SWEEPER?
WHERE'S THE DUST PAN?"

I DON'T KNOW WHERE THEY ARE!
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY ARE!

SHE SEEMED VERY SWEET AND QUIET
THAT ONE TIME I MET HER AT THE WEDDING.

WE PURPOSELY SAT HER
IN THE SUN SO SHE'D BE TIRED.

( doorbell rings )

Bennett: MOM!

Stan: GRANDMA JAMES.

SHE'S BEEN AROUND FOR 400 MILLION YEARS.

WAIT, THAT'S SHARKS.

I ALWAYS GET THE TWO MIXED UP.

SO GOOD TO SEE YOU.

SWEETHEART, JUST BECAUSE
YOU'RE A CHILD PSYCHOLOGIST

DOESN'T MEAN YOU HAVE TO WEAR
CHILD-SIZED SHIRTS.

AND ELLEN, LOOK AT YOU.
OH, NOT TOO CLOSE.

WHATEVER'S KEEPING YOUR HAIR
SO BLOND IS BURNING MY EYES.

OH, I JUST LOVE WHAT YOU'VE
DONE WITH THE PLACE.

NOT MANY PEOPLE WOULD
PUT FOUR MISMATCHED RUGS

IN THE SAME ROOM.

IT REMINDS ME OF AN OPEN-AIR
BAZAAR IN MARRAKESH.

DEAR NORA. STILL SO FULL OF--

--SWEETNESS AND LOVE!

OH MY GOSH, THERE'S A DOG IN HERE.

OH. YEAH, THIS IS STAN.

AND HE HAS FREE REIGN OF THE PLACE?

AREN'T YOU AFRAID HE'LL PEE
ON THE RUGS AND MAKE THEM WORSE?

Stan: 32 MISTAKES AND SUDDENLY
YOU'RE A RUG-WETTER?

LET'S GO. WE NEED TO GET TO THE SPA

BEFORE THE OLD GUYS
HAIR UP THE HOT TUB.

WAIT! WE CAN STILL GO TO
THE CONCERT TONIGHT, RIGHT?

YES, JUST BE BACK BY CURFEW.

All: YES!

NORA, IF YOU HAVE ANY TROUBLE,
YOU KNOW HOW TO REACH US.

OH, PLEASE. I CAN HANDLE
MY GRANDCHILDREN.

I MAY HAVE AGED A LITTLE,
BUT MY MIND IS STILL SHARP.

I KNOW EVERYTHING AND SEE EVERYTHING--

( muttering ) DRAIN THE LIFE
OUT OF EVERYTHING.

AND HEAR EVERYTHING.

AH, HA HA.

-KIDS, LOVE YOU.
-Avery: BYE MOM.

-OKAY.
-Tyler: BYE.

BE GOOD. SEE YOU TOMORROW.

DON'T OPEN THE DOOR FOR STRANGERS.

WATCH OUT FOR WEIRD MOSQUITOES.

EAT THE YOGURT.

THE FRUIT'S ON THE BOTTOM!

OKAY, WHO'S READY
FOR SOME FUN GRANDMA-STYLE.

YOU MEAN LIKE THIS?

( granny voice ) WHEN I WAS YOUNG,

THIS WAS ALL FARMLAND.

OH, THAT'S NOT WHAT YOU MEANT.

HOW OLD DO YOU THINK I AM?

REAL OLD.

LIKE 30?

NOW I DON'T FEEL SO BAD.

ARE THESE CHORES EVER GONNA END?

AT LEAST WE'RE NOT ON THE ROOF
CLEANING OUT THE GUTTERS, LIKE CHLOE.

Chloe: THE SAFETY HARNESS IS TOO TIGHT!

YOU SEE HOW MUCH DIRT
IS UNDER THESE RUGS?

YEAH, THAT'S WHY WE
KEEP THE RUGS HERE.

TO HIDE THE DIRT.

THIS IS SO MUCH FUN
SPENDING TIME WITH YOU KIDS.

Stan: YEAH, I HAVEN'T SEEN THEM THIS HAPPY

SINCE CHLOE BROUGHT HOME HEAD LICE.

THAT'S RIGHT, IT WAS CHLOE.

I'M STICKING WITH THAT.

-OKAY, TIME TO TAKE A BREAK.
-Tyler and Avery: YES!

LET'S DO CALISTHENICS.

TOUCH YOUR TOES!

Chloe: I CAN'T FEEL MY TOES!

WHAT IS THIS DISGUSTING THING?

OH, THIS IS GOING
STRAIGHT INTO THE TRASH.

ROBERT!

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.

ROBERT IS AN ODD NAME
FOR AN ORANGE MONKEY.

( sighs, thuds )

I BET SHE WISHES
THOSE RUGS WERE IN HERE NOW.

WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?

WHEN SHE WAKES UP, SHE'S GOING
TO KNOW STAN'S SECRET.

SHE PASSED OUT.

THERE'S A GOOD CHANCE
SHE'LL FORGET IT EVER HAPPENED.

THE DOG TALKED.

I SAID A GOOD CHANCE,
NOT A GREAT CHANCE.

YOU KIDS OUGHT TO BE
ASHAMED OF YOURSELVES

PLAYING A TRICK ON ME LIKE THAT!

MAKING ME THINK THAT DOG WAS TALKING.

AFTER ALL THE FUN WE HAD.
THE WINDOWS, THE RUGS!

WE PLAYED 1970s TRIVIA.

I WON, BUT YOU LEARNED
ABOUT WATERGATE.

DID I, GRANDMA? DID I?

THE POINT IS,
YOU TRIED TO MAKE A FOOL OF ME.

AND JUST FOR THAT, NO CONCERT TONIGHT!

-WHAT?!
-NO!

GRANDMA, WE'VE BEEN LOOKING FORWARD
TO THAT ALL YEAR!

WE DIALED UNTIL OUR FINGERS WERE NUMB!

I CALLED RUSSIA!

ENOUGH! NO CONCERT.

I'M GOING TO THE KITCHEN AND MAKE A PIE,

THEN PUT IT ON THE HIGH SHELF
SO YOU CAN'T REACH IT.

BUT GRANDMA, I'M TALLER THAN--

-WHAT?
-NOTHING.

STAN! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?

I DON'T KNOW. I SAW ROBERT,
AND I COULDN'T HELP MYSELF.

THIS IS AWFUL.

WE'RE GOING TO MISS ROCK-A-PALOOZA.

I'M SORRY, I KNOW HOW MUCH THIS
CONCERT MEANT TO YOU AND I BLEW IT.

IT WAS GOING TO BE A ONCE
IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.

IT WAS GOING TO BE MY FIRST CONCERT.

IT WAS GOING TO BE MY FOURTH CONCERT.

OH, I FEEL HORRIBLE.

THERE'S GOTTA BE A WAY TO FIX THIS.

IF YOU CAME BACK TO ME, ROBERT,
ANYTHING'S POSSIBLE.

HOW MANY OTHER DOGS CHEWED ON YOU
WHILE YOU WERE GONE, ROBERT?

NO, NO, I DON'T WANT TO KNOW.

I'M JUST GLAD YOU'RE BACK.

Stan: ( sighs ) THIS IS TOUGH.

IF I TALK, SHE'LL KNOW MY SECRET.

IF I DON'T, THE KIDS GET BLAMED
AND MISS THEIR CONCERT.

OH, THEY'RE DEVASTATED ABOUT IT

AND THEY'RE THE GREATEST
KIDS IN THE WORLD.

WHAT DO I DO? WHAT DO I DO?

WHAT ARE YOU STARING AT?

COULD YOU GIVE ME A SECOND?

I'M WONDERING IF I SHOULD TALK.

( thud )

THERE IS AN OUTSIDE CHANCE
THAT I JUST MADE THIS WORSE.

GREATEST KIDS IN THE WORLD?

UH, COULD YOU COME HERE FOR A SEC?

WHAT HAPPENED?

STAN, DID YOU TALK AGAIN?

I WAS TRYING TO HELP.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'VE DONE?

WHEN SHE COMES TO,

SHE'S GONNA BE
EVEN MORE ANGRY WITH US!

LET'S STAY POSITIVE.

IF SHE COMES TO.

WE HAVE TO REVIVE HER.

WAIT! I'VE HEARD IT'S SAFER

NOT TO TOUCH SOMEONE IN HER CONDITION

UNTIL AFTER THE CONCERT.

TYLER, WE CAN'T DO THAT.

CAN WE? NO, WE CAN'T.

OH, NO.

OH, HEY THERE, GRANDMA.

WHATCHA DOIN' THERE ON THE FLOOR?

HE TALKS. HE REALLY CAN TALK.

I'VE KNOWN HOW TO TALK
FOR A WHILE NOW, GRANDMA.

I MEAN STAN.

AT FIRST, I THOUGHT YOU KIDS
WERE PULLING A TRICK ON ME,

BUT NOW I KNOW WHAT'S
REALLY HAPPENING.

I WAS AFRAID OF THIS.

WE ALL WERE.

-JUST PLEASE DON'T TELL ANYONE HE--
-I'M LOSING MY MIND!

SORRY, WHAT?

I'M GOING CRAZY!

UNLESS YOU HEAR HIM, TOO?

BECAUSE IN THAT CASE, ALERT THE MEDIA.

WE'VE GOT THE WORLD'S
FIRST TALKING DOG.

I THOUGHT I WAS THE WORLD'S
FIRST TALKING--

OH.

DID YOU HEAR THAT?

UH, NOPE.

NOTHING. NO REASON TO ALERT THE MEDIA
OR ANYTHING.

THEN IT'S TRUE, I AM HEARING VOICES.

SERIOUSLY? WE'RE RUNNING WITH THIS?

HEY, THIS IS KINDA COOL.

I CAN SAY WHATEVER I WANT.

GUAVA.

HUH, THAT WAS RANDOM.

MY SUBCONSCIOUS IS TALKING
TO ME THROUGH A DOG.

APPARENTLY, I SUBCONSCIOUSLY
WANT GUAVA.

BUT I DON'T LIKE GUAVA.

OR DO I?

AH, LET THEM GO TO THE CONCERT.

YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU SHOULD GO TO THE CONCERT.

REALLY?

YES, YOU SHOULD GO WHILE
YOU STILL KNOW THE DIFFERENCE

BETWEEN A CONCERT AND A SANDWICH.

THIS IS A SANDWICH, RIGHT?

WELL, UH, WE'LL JUST GET READY
FOR THE CONCERT THEN.

WE MIGHT BE A LITTLE BIT PAST CURFEW.

THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

-GREAT!
-THANK YOU!

SO I GUESS IT'S JUST YOU AND ME.

YEAH, WE CAN CHAT OVER
A NICE, JUICY STEAK.

AND THE CANNED HAM THAT'S BEEN
TAUNTING ME FROM THE PANTRY.

YOU WANT TO GET ME THAT CANNED HAM.

OH, MY 9:30 IS HERE, I HAVE TO GO.

I AM GRETA.

MAKE YOURSELF COMFORTABLE
UNDER THE SHEET.

I WILL BE RIGHT BACK.

OKAY. NO HURRY.

OH, JUST GIVE ME A SEC.

YOU KNOW WHAT, I'M SNEAKING
IN A CALL TO MY KIDS.

YOUR HUSBAND DOESN'T
WANT YOU TALKING TO THEM

WHILE YOU'RE ON VACATION?

-BENNETT!
-GIVE ME THE PHONE.

LOOK, I'M SURE THE KIDS ARE FINE.

WHAT ARE YOU SO WORRIED ABOUT?

METEORS, LOCUSTS, FRATERNITY BOYS
GOING HOUSE-TIPPING.

THEY DON'T DO THAT.

THEY COULD START.

HONEY, WE'RE HERE TO RELAX.

ENJOY YOURSELF.

OKAY.

I'M SORRY.

GIVE ME THE PHONE.

( groans ) DANG IT!

( gasps )

I'M SO SORRY. YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M AWAY FROM MY KIDS
AND I CAN'T CHECK IN.

AND I'M JUST SO WORRIED.

I'M A MOTHER TOO, I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND.

HOW OLD ARE YOUR KIDS,
SIX MONTHS, A YEAR?

YEAH. SO, CAN I BORROW YOUR PHONE?

OF COURSE.

OH, HEY! MY PHONE.

YOU'LL GET IT BACK
AFTER HER APPOINTMENT.

HEY, GRANDMA.
YOU COULDN'T SLEEP EITHER?

THIS SEEMS SO REAL,

BUT I KNOW IT'S JUST MY SUBCONSCIOUS
TALKING TO ME THROUGH THIS DOG.

I'M LOSING ALL MY FACULTIES.

AND YET, THE STEAKS
WERE COOKED TO PERFECTION.

YOU KNOW WHAT SADDENS ME THE MOST?

THAT YOU COULDN'T GET THAT HAM OPENED?

THAT I NEVER REALLY
GOT CLOSE TO MY GRANDKIDS,

AND NOW IT'S TOO LATE.

SOON I'LL BE MISTAKING THEM
FOR LARGE, TALKING GUAVAS.

YOU DON'T EVEN LIKE GUAVA.

I KNOW!

WELL, MAYBE NOW'S THE TIME FOR YOU
TO BE A BETTER GRANDMOTHER.

I THOUGHT I WAS BEING
A GOOD GRANDMOTHER.

I THOUGHT WE HAD SUCH
A GOOD RELATIONSHIP.

BUT KIDS DON'T WANT CHORES
FROM THEIR GRANDMOTHER.

THEY WANT HUGS AND KISSES

AND EMBARRASSING STORIES ABOUT
THEIR DAD WHEN HE WAS A KID.

OH, I BET THE HOUSEKEEPER
HAS PLENTY OF THOSE.

WAIT, I KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING.

MY MIND IS TELLING ME
IT'S MY FAULT I'M NOT CLOSER TO THE KIDS.

SURE. GO WITH THAT.

I'VE GOT TO MAKE IT UP TO THEM.

WITH THE LITTLE TIME I HAVE LEFT,

I NEED TO BE AS LOVING
AND NURTURING AS I CAN.

SPEAKING OF "CAN,"

THERE IS STILL THAT HAM UP THERE.

HEY, YOU'RE OLD.

WERE YOU THERE WHEN
THE GUY WHO INVENTED HAM

FIRST LOOKED AT A PIG'S BUTT AND SAID,

"I GOTTA PUT SOME OF THAT IN MY MOUTH"?

WHY DOES MY SUBCONSCIOUS HATE ME?

THAT CONCERT LAST NIGHT WAS AWESOME!

AND THOSE SEATS.

( yelling ) AND THOSE SEATS
WERE SO CLOSE TO THE SPEAKERS!

CHLOE, YOU DON'T NEED TO YELL.

( yelling ) I KNOW!

I CAN'T HEAR YOU EITHER!

HEY, STAN, HOW'S GRANDMA?

DOES SHE STILL THINK SHE'S LOSING IT?

OH, YEAH. WE HAD A LONG CHAT
ABOUT IT LAST NIGHT.

IN FACT, SHE'S IN THE KITCHEN RIGHT NOW

TALKING POLITICS WITH THE MICROWAVE.

I DON'T KNOW.

THIS DOESN'T FEEL RIGHT.

ARE YOU KIDDING? THIS IS GREAT.

STAN'S SECRET IS SAFE,
WE GET TO DO WHAT WE WANT.

I JUST HOPE WE CAN KEEP
THIS COVER-UP GOING.

( still yelling )
THIS IS JUST LIKE WATERGATE!

I'M JUST SAYING, WE PAY TAXES,
THEY SHOULD FIX THE POTHOLES.

-HI, GRANDMA.
-OH, GOOD. YOU KIDS ARE UP.

I OWE YOU ALL AN APOLOGY.

I'M SORRY WE'RE ALWAYS DOING CHORES

AND I HAVEN'T BEEN THE KIND
OF GRANDMA YOU WANT.

-( ding )
-HOLD THAT THOUGHT.

I'M TALKING TO MY GRANDKIDS.

COME, SIT DOWN.

I'M GOING TO MAKE IT UP TO YOU.

I'VE GOT GIFTS YOU WERE
GOING TO GET AFTER I WAS GONE.

BUT I'VE PRETTY MUCH GONE
BANANAS NOW, SO...

GRANDMA JAMES, YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO--

NOW, AVERY, GRANDMA SAYS
SHE'S GONE BANANAS

AND SHE HAS PRESENTS FOR US.

DON'T BE RUDE.

FOR YOU, CHLOE,
I HAVE AN ANTIQUE HAIR COMB

MY MOTHER GAVE TO ME.

WOW, GRANDMA.

IS ALL YOUR HAIR CLIPPED IN?

AND AVERY, I KNOW WE HAVEN'T

BEEN IN EACH OTHER'S LIVES VERY LONG,

BUT I WANT TO GIVE YOU SOMETHING
THAT MY GRANDMA GAVE ME

WHEN I WAS A LITTLE GIRL.

GRANDMA, IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

OH, IS THAT YOU AS A BABY?

THAT OPENS?

WELL, WHOEVER IT IS, I LOVE IT.

AND I HAVE SOMETHING EXTRA-SPECIAL

FOR MY FIRSTBORN GRANDCHILD.

THE KEYS TO MY CAR.

YOUR CONVERTIBLE?

IT'S A CONVERTIBLE?

OH, GRANDMA, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

I WISH I COULD DO BETTER.

SHE'S TEN YEARS OLD

AND THERE'S ALMOST 300 MILES ON HER.

-THANK YOU!
-I WON'T BE USING IT.

THE ONE THING I PRIDED MYSELF ON
WAS MY SHARP MIND,

BUT I GUESS THAT'S OVER NOW.

I'M GONNA GO SIT IN THE SUN.

TURN ME IF I FALL ASLEEP.

THIS ISN'T NOT RIGHT.

YOU GUYS, THE POOR WOMAN
IS DEVASTATED, SHE'S BROKEN.

WE CAN'T DO THIS.

WE CAN'T ACCEPT ANY OF THESE GIFTS

AND WE HAVE TO TELL HER THE TRUTH.

BUT AVERY, IT'S A CONVERTIBLE!

I WANTED TO TAKE IT TO THE BEACH.

AND I WANTED TO PUT THE TOP DOWN

SO I CAN FEEL THE WIND IN GRANDMA'S HAIR.

YOU GUYS, IT'S NOT A TIME
FOR A TRIP TO THE BEACH.

A TRIP TO THE MALL?

IT'S TIME FOR A TRIP OUT TO THE PATIO

TO TELL GRANDMA THE TRUTH.

CAN WE AT LEAST DRIVE THERE?

WHAT'S GOING ON?
WHAT ARE THE CUSHIONS FOR?

GRANDMA, WE HAVE SOMETHING
WE NEED TO TELL YOU.

YOU'RE NOT GOING CRAZY.

STAN REALLY CAN TALK.
WE CAN ALL HEAR HIM.

THAT'S VERY SWEET OF YOU
TO TRY TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER.

I THINK YOU'RE ABOUT TO FIND
OUT WHAT THE CUSHIONS ARE FOR.

HE SAID, "I THINK YOU'RE ABOUT TO FIND OUT
WHAT THE CUSHIONS ARE FOR."

( thud )

WHY'D YOU PUT
THE CUSHIONS OVER THERE?

I DIDN'T KNOW WHICH WAY
SHE WAS GONNA FALL.

WHAT AM I, A LUMBERJACK?

( snoring )

THIS ISN'T YOU, IS IT?

NO.

WILL YOU FORGET THIS EVER HAPPENED
IF I LET YOU CALL THE KIDS?

SURE, IF YOU TAKE YOUR HANDS OFF HER.

GO AHEAD, TAKE THE MASSEUSE'S PHONE.

I'M STANDING RIGHT HERE.

SHOULDN'T YOU BE DOING SOMETHING?

ONCE THEY FALL ASLEEP, I USUALLY STOP.

-AVERY!
-CAN'T TALK RIGHT NOW!

WE HAVE A SITUATION!

SHE CAN'T TALK RIGHT NOW!
THEY HAVE A SITUATION!

I BET FRATERNITY BOYS
HAVE TIPPED THE HOUSE!

AND YOU SAID IT COULDN'T HAPPEN.

YOU GET THE CAR FROM THE ROOM,

I'LL DRIVE THE BAGS AROUND FRONT!

JUST SO YOU KNOW, SHE'S USUALLY...

JUST LIKE THIS.

SO YOU ACTUALLY TALK?

YES, YES I DO.

I ALSO WHISTLE
AND PLAY A LITTLE HARMONICA.

THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE.

I KNOW.

HARMONICA'S REALLY TOUGH
WHEN YOU DON'T HAVE LIPS.

WHO KNOWS ABOUT THIS?

PRETTY MUCH EVERYBODY
WHO'S EVER PLAYED HARMONICA.

NO, ABOUT YOU TALKING.

NOBODY. NOT EVEN MOMMY AND DADDY.

AND WE COULDN'T TELL YOU
BECAUSE ONCE THE SECRET'S OUT,

WE WERE AFRAID HE'D BE TAKEN AWAY
AND EXPERIMENTED ON.

SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME NOW?

BECAUSE WE CARE TOO MUCH ABOUT YOU

TO LET YOU THINK YOU'RE
LOSING YOUR MIND.

AND WE ALREADY WENT TO THE CONCERT,

SO NOW IT'S OKAY.

GRANDMA, IF YOU MEANT WHAT YOU SAID

ABOUT WANTING TO BOND WITH US,

THIS SECRET IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING

THAT WE COULD EVEN SHARE.

KIDS, OH, I CAN'T TELL YOU
WHAT THIS MEANS TO ME.

I WILL CHERISH
YOUR SECRET, AND I PROMISE

IT WILL ALWAYS BE SAFE WITH ME.

PREACH, GRAMS.

WELL, I GUESS I SHOULD
GIVE THIS BACK TO YOU, HUH?

NO, NO, NO. YOU KEEP THAT.

I WANT YOU TO HAVE IT.

AND CHLOE, YOU CAN KEEP THE HAIR COMB.

-AND THE HAIR?!
-OF COURSE.

AND TYLER. SWEET, SWEET TYLER.

GIVE ME MY KEYS.

I WANT TO THANK YOU AGAIN FOR
SHARING YOUR SECRET WITH ME.

AND HERE, STAN,

I HAVE SOMETHING FOR YOU.

( gasps ) YOU REPLACED HIS HIP
AND HIS KNEE.

SOMEDAY I HOPE I CAN RETURN THE FAVOR.

( Robert squeaks )

IS EVERYTHING OKAY?
WHAT'S THE SITUATION?

EVERYTHING'S FINE.

EVERYTHING'S FINE.

SPOKEN LIKE SOMEONE
WHO DIDN'T HAVE TO PUMP GAS

IN A LOOSE ROBE WITH
THE SANTA ANA WINDS BLOWING.

( phone ringing )

HELLO?

DOES ANYONE SPEAK GERMAN?

YA?

YA?

NEIN.

GRETA WANTS HER PHONE BACK.

THEY CLOSE AT NINE.

Stan: SO NOW THERE'S
ONE MORE PERSON OUT THERE

WHO KNOWS MY SECRET.

BUT I'M NOT WORRIED.

GRANDMA JAMES TURNED OUT TO BE GREAT.

I GUESS SOMETIMES IN ORDER
TO FIND YOUR HEART,

YOU HAVE TO LOSE YOUR MIND.

BUT ONE THING YOU NEVER WANT
TO LOSE IS YOUR MONKEY.

ISN'T THAT RIGHT, ROBERT?

YOU'LL ALWAYS BE THE LOVE OF MY--

-HELLO, SQUEAKY HAMBURGER.
-( hamburger squeaks )

WHAT'S YOUR NAME?