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1
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Chapter seven.
2
00:00:02,753 --> 00:00:04,713
Tom, Connor and Sarah
had a rich tradition
3
00:00:04,838 --> 00:00:06,882
of ridiculous arguments, but today,
4
00:00:07,007 --> 00:00:08,634
they were on their best behavior.
5
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Connor, where might I find more napkins?
6
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Oh, I believe they're
in the closet, Sarah.
7
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Thank you.
8
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It was the anniversary of their parents,
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Marshall and Muriel,
10
00:00:17,476 --> 00:00:18,852
and they were determined not to ruin it,
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00:00:18,977 --> 00:00:20,437
like they'd ruined
every other anniversary.
12
00:00:20,562 --> 00:00:23,190
You had to throw my food on the ground?
13
00:00:23,315 --> 00:00:24,983
They confine those ducks
and force feed them...
14
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Enough!
15
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There are a million signs.
Do not touch the animals!
16
00:00:29,112 --> 00:00:30,530
If a dolphin holds out a flipper,
17
00:00:30,656 --> 00:00:32,324
- you don't leave him hanging.
- Enough!
18
00:00:32,449 --> 00:00:34,409
You just had to pick a fight
with the red knight.
19
00:00:34,534 --> 00:00:36,370
Um, he was wearing Skechers.
20
00:00:36,495 --> 00:00:37,788
I'm just supposed to let that go?
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Every single year.
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This year is gonna be different.
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We're in a groove now.
We don't argue like we used to.
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What? Connor!
25
00:00:45,254 --> 00:00:47,047
Wow, I really set myself up there, huh?
26
00:00:47,172 --> 00:00:50,384
What is "Alicia Silverstick"
doing in your closet?
27
00:00:50,509 --> 00:00:53,553
First of all, his name
is "Stickolas Cage."
28
00:00:53,679 --> 00:00:55,180
Okay, I'm guessing there's a backstory
29
00:00:55,305 --> 00:00:56,556
that we're gonna have to hear about?
30
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1995, family trip to Yosemite,
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00:00:59,142 --> 00:01:01,603
these two find a stick
and start arguing over it.
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That's it, that's the end
of the backstory.
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00:01:04,982 --> 00:01:06,692
So to be clear, it's just a stick?
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00:01:06,817 --> 00:01:08,318
No, it's a lucky stick.
35
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Yeah. We got locked in the cabin
36
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and used this stick to break a window.
37
00:01:11,655 --> 00:01:15,158
- And you said it got lost.
- It did, and then I found it.
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My... that's my stick! Stop it!
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- You know it!
- Hey, guys?
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Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys!
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[grunting]
42
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Every single year.
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- Subs by kinglouisxx -
for www.addic7ed.com
44
00:01:28,380 --> 00:01:30,473
- 42 years together.
- If you'd told me
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I'd settle down with the same
woman for 42 years,
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I would have said,
"You're dreaming, pal."
47
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Wow, so romantic.
48
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It's a love story for the ages.
49
00:01:41,601 --> 00:01:43,729
You're just abandoning us
there with the stick twins?
50
00:01:43,854 --> 00:01:45,647
Sorry, I got a text from Amanda Conley.
51
00:01:45,772 --> 00:01:47,399
She's, like, the top book agent
in New York.
52
00:01:47,524 --> 00:01:48,859
She agreed to read
some chapters of my novel.
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00:01:48,984 --> 00:01:50,360
- [gasps]
- I don't know how to sign off.
54
00:01:50,485 --> 00:01:52,529
It's, like, "Sincerely"? "Fondly"?
55
00:01:52,654 --> 00:01:53,989
"Humbly yours." What am I doing?
56
00:01:54,114 --> 00:01:56,491
I might as well just send
back, like, a heart emoji.
57
00:01:56,616 --> 00:01:58,910
Wow, you are nervous, even for you.
58
00:01:59,036 --> 00:02:00,954
Yeah, it's just... this is,
like, a big deal.
59
00:02:01,079 --> 00:02:05,584
I mean, after Jeremiah's plan
tanked and my agent dropped me,
60
00:02:05,709 --> 00:02:07,336
I wasn't sure if...
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00:02:07,461 --> 00:02:09,129
if anyone would want this next book.
62
00:02:09,254 --> 00:02:11,757
Yeah, um, at some point,
you're gonna have
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00:02:11,882 --> 00:02:14,468
to tell your family
that the book is about them.
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00:02:14,593 --> 00:02:17,512
You said that legally
I don't have to, so...
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00:02:18,722 --> 00:02:20,515
Okay, all I'm saying
is if I had had the stick,
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00:02:20,640 --> 00:02:22,017
then maybe I wouldn't be unemployed,
67
00:02:22,142 --> 00:02:24,019
and President Sanders would be
in his second term.
68
00:02:24,144 --> 00:02:26,188
Wait, you want Deion Sanders
to be president, too?
69
00:02:26,313 --> 00:02:28,023
- Who?
- Neon Deion.
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00:02:28,148 --> 00:02:29,649
Who are you talking about?
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00:02:29,775 --> 00:02:31,568
Sending to Amanda now.
72
00:02:31,693 --> 00:02:33,528
[phone notification whooshes]
73
00:02:35,947 --> 00:02:38,950
"This is the story
of the Hayworth family,
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"three siblings who loved each other,
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00:02:40,327 --> 00:02:42,621
but money sometimes got in the way."
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00:02:42,746 --> 00:02:44,664
No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
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00:02:44,790 --> 00:02:46,166
Wait, Tom, is this your book?
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00:02:46,291 --> 00:02:48,919
Oh, you sent it to Connor
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instead of Conley.
80
00:02:50,462 --> 00:02:51,755
That's bad.
81
00:02:51,880 --> 00:02:53,590
Oh, my God. Your book is about us?
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00:02:53,715 --> 00:02:55,550
What? No.
83
00:02:55,675 --> 00:02:56,927
- Tom!
- Give me back my phone.
84
00:02:57,052 --> 00:02:58,095
- Give him back his phone!
- How do I delete?
85
00:02:58,220 --> 00:03:00,263
- How do I delete?
- Connor, double back!
86
00:03:01,181 --> 00:03:03,642
- Sto... Tom!
- Hey!
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00:03:03,767 --> 00:03:05,727
Stop it! Get over here!
88
00:03:05,852 --> 00:03:07,104
- Tom...
- Tom's fast.
89
00:03:07,229 --> 00:03:09,189
- Like a gazelle.
- Tom!
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00:03:10,690 --> 00:03:12,609
What is this, asparagus?
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00:03:12,734 --> 00:03:13,693
- Oh, no, no.
- Do it, Connor, do it.
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00:03:13,819 --> 00:03:15,028
- No, no, no, no, no, no!
- Do it.
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00:03:15,153 --> 00:03:16,238
No, no, no, no, no.
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00:03:16,363 --> 00:03:19,157
No... [screams and laughs]
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00:03:20,909 --> 00:03:22,411
Stop. [laughs]
96
00:03:22,536 --> 00:03:23,578
Not cool.
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00:03:23,703 --> 00:03:25,288
"The Hayworth family
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00:03:25,414 --> 00:03:27,082
"was as cracked and uneven
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00:03:27,214 --> 00:03:31,718
as the sun-scorched streets
of suburban Sacramento." Wow.
100
00:03:31,844 --> 00:03:34,054
Sarah, can I just please...
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00:03:34,172 --> 00:03:35,257
[phone notification whooshes,
phones dinging]
102
00:03:35,382 --> 00:03:37,050
Well, since the book is about us,
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I think that "us" should get to read it.
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00:03:39,302 --> 00:03:40,804
[breathing heavily]
105
00:03:40,929 --> 00:03:43,932
Hey, guys... guys, I was gonna
change the names
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00:03:44,057 --> 00:03:46,977
and kind of fudge the details.
I'll tell you what.
107
00:03:47,102 --> 00:03:48,854
You guys just delete the e-mail now,
108
00:03:48,979 --> 00:03:51,106
and then I'll send you the
whole thing when it's finished.
109
00:03:51,231 --> 00:03:53,525
And we should really be
celebrating Mom and Dad, right?
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It's their anniversary.
Let's celebrate them!
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00:03:59,948 --> 00:04:02,451
- Are we in the book, Daddy?
- Uh...
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00:04:02,576 --> 00:04:05,078
"These days, Tom's home
was the perfect chrysalis
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00:04:05,203 --> 00:04:07,038
of dashed hopes."
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00:04:07,164 --> 00:04:09,166
Yeah, I'm not the audience for this.
115
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- Thomas Chandler Hayworth.
- Here we go.
116
00:04:13,753 --> 00:04:14,838
Don't worry. If it gets ugly,
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00:04:14,963 --> 00:04:16,840
we just get in the car
and start driving.
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00:04:16,965 --> 00:04:18,008
You really think it's gonna be that bad?
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00:04:18,133 --> 00:04:19,176
I've had a bag packed ever since
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00:04:19,301 --> 00:04:21,094
you started writing the book.
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Look, I don't think you guys
come off that bad.
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00:04:24,097 --> 00:04:25,640
We love it!
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00:04:25,765 --> 00:04:28,477
This is the best anniversary
present ever.
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00:04:28,602 --> 00:04:30,358
When Brenda finds out
I have a book written about me,
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- she's gonna lose it.
- [chuckling]
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00:04:32,230 --> 00:04:34,566
Wait, what? You guys are cool with this?
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00:04:34,691 --> 00:04:36,151
Even the part about Dad
having an affair?
128
00:04:36,276 --> 00:04:38,653
That was my favorite part.
Muriel really let him have it.
129
00:04:38,778 --> 00:04:39,905
I had no idea how ol' Marshall
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00:04:40,030 --> 00:04:41,948
was gonna get out of that one.
131
00:04:42,073 --> 00:04:43,950
Now, remember,
your mother is an actress.
132
00:04:44,075 --> 00:04:45,118
So when you make the movie,
133
00:04:45,243 --> 00:04:46,661
I would like the role of Muriel.
134
00:04:46,786 --> 00:04:49,748
Don't choose someone obvious
like Reese Witherspoon.
135
00:04:49,873 --> 00:04:50,832
I don't think that's gonna be an issue.
136
00:04:50,957 --> 00:04:52,334
Yeah, Tommy, the Marshall character?
137
00:04:52,459 --> 00:04:54,002
Let me throw this out there.
138
00:04:54,127 --> 00:04:56,546
What if he's, like,
a private eye with a dark past?
139
00:04:56,671 --> 00:04:57,839
Yeah, that's not really the tone...
140
00:04:57,964 --> 00:04:59,174
Or it's, like,
"What's this guy running from?"
141
00:04:59,299 --> 00:05:01,426
Maybe he's running from himself.
142
00:05:03,053 --> 00:05:04,513
Great note.
143
00:05:04,638 --> 00:05:06,223
I'm just glad that you guys
are cool with it.
144
00:05:06,348 --> 00:05:08,517
I mean, maybe Sarah and Connor
will be cool with it, too.
145
00:05:08,642 --> 00:05:09,851
- BOTH: Tom!
- Wow.
146
00:05:09,976 --> 00:05:11,978
Really got to stop
setting myself up like that.
147
00:05:12,103 --> 00:05:14,189
Tom, this book makes me
look like a maniac, okay?
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"Over one particularly busy weekend,
149
00:05:16,441 --> 00:05:18,558
"Sarah stormed out
of Whole Foods, a Gap Kids,
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00:05:18,683 --> 00:05:20,580
and a community theater
production of 'Fun Home.'"
151
00:05:20,722 --> 00:05:22,038
You did all those things.
152
00:05:22,147 --> 00:05:23,649
That doesn't mean
you have to tell everybody!
153
00:05:23,782 --> 00:05:24,991
And in this book,
I'm always raising my voice,
154
00:05:25,116 --> 00:05:27,160
and in real life,
I never raise my voice!
155
00:05:27,285 --> 00:05:30,121
Okay, sometimes I raise my voice,
156
00:05:30,247 --> 00:05:32,332
but I am the only character
who speaks in all caps.
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00:05:32,457 --> 00:05:33,875
At least you come off
like an adult, okay?
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00:05:34,000 --> 00:05:35,293
Every other page, Tom had me saying,
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"Dope," and wearing Gucci tracksuits.
160
00:05:37,379 --> 00:05:39,798
- You do wear those.
- Ironically!
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00:05:39,923 --> 00:05:42,050
Your book makes me look like
some kind of rich doofus
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who spends his money like a child.
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00:05:43,677 --> 00:05:45,053
Is that really what you think of me?
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00:05:45,178 --> 00:05:47,472
Well, you are eating
the twins' vanilla puffs.
165
00:05:47,597 --> 00:05:49,057
They're nutritious.
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00:05:49,182 --> 00:05:51,726
Guys, all writers
write about their family.
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00:05:51,851 --> 00:05:54,271
Nora Ephron said, "Everything is copy."
168
00:05:54,396 --> 00:05:56,690
Do not use Nora Ephron against me.
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00:05:56,815 --> 00:05:59,818
All I'm saying is that all
stories come from real life.
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00:05:59,943 --> 00:06:01,903
What about John Wick, Tom? Hmm?
171
00:06:02,028 --> 00:06:03,863
Is that based on real life?
172
00:06:03,989 --> 00:06:05,907
- [sighs]
- Seriously, is it?
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00:06:07,951 --> 00:06:09,286
I knew the anniversary
was gonna be a mess,
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00:06:09,411 --> 00:06:12,330
but my money was on that dumb stick.
175
00:06:12,455 --> 00:06:14,165
And calling it "Stickolas Cage"
176
00:06:14,291 --> 00:06:16,459
when "Bark Wahlberg" was right there?
177
00:06:17,544 --> 00:06:18,837
Barky Bark?
178
00:06:20,714 --> 00:06:22,257
Are you mad at something
in Tom's book, too?
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00:06:22,382 --> 00:06:24,175
No, I'm mad at you.
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00:06:24,301 --> 00:06:26,011
Me? What did I do?
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00:06:26,136 --> 00:06:27,470
Glad you asked.
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00:06:29,222 --> 00:06:31,683
"As the unfortunate souls
who married into the family,
183
00:06:31,808 --> 00:06:34,185
"Denise and Marina had their own club,
184
00:06:34,311 --> 00:06:37,188
"'The Normals, ' who spent their
every free moment gossiping
185
00:06:37,314 --> 00:06:39,190
and complaining about the Hayworths."
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00:06:39,316 --> 00:06:41,192
Oh, my God. He put that in there?
187
00:06:41,318 --> 00:06:42,152
- You didn't read it?
- No.
188
00:06:42,277 --> 00:06:43,612
I stopped reading Tom's work
189
00:06:43,737 --> 00:06:44,946
when I realized he just wants to hear,
190
00:06:45,071 --> 00:06:47,532
"It's great, keep going!"
So I just say that.
191
00:06:48,908 --> 00:06:51,286
Marina, you told Tom
about our secret club,
192
00:06:51,411 --> 00:06:53,622
- which is supposed to be secret.
- I'm sorry.
193
00:06:53,747 --> 00:06:55,332
I think I was in the tub
with a glass of wine,
194
00:06:55,457 --> 00:06:58,293
and Tom came in, and he started
talking about his family,
195
00:06:58,418 --> 00:06:59,836
and it just slipped out.
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00:06:59,961 --> 00:07:01,588
You know how tub wine is.
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00:07:01,713 --> 00:07:04,299
I told you things I would
never want Sarah to know.
198
00:07:04,424 --> 00:07:07,636
Like, "Denise dreaded summer
because it meant more exposure
199
00:07:07,761 --> 00:07:09,512
to Sarah's Eleanor Roosevelt tattoo."
200
00:07:09,638 --> 00:07:11,014
- Oh!
- How am I supposed
201
00:07:11,139 --> 00:07:12,307
- to trust you now?
- I'm sorry.
202
00:07:12,432 --> 00:07:15,268
I screwed up, okay. But you know what?
203
00:07:15,393 --> 00:07:17,103
That doesn't affect what you and I have.
204
00:07:17,228 --> 00:07:18,355
You think we can just
205
00:07:18,480 --> 00:07:21,107
go back to the way things were? [scoffs]
206
00:07:21,232 --> 00:07:22,734
How do I know if I tell you a secret,
207
00:07:22,859 --> 00:07:24,235
you're not thinking about Tom
the whole time?
208
00:07:24,361 --> 00:07:26,821
Don't say that!
After all we've been through?
209
00:07:26,946 --> 00:07:28,031
I can't even look at you right now.
210
00:07:28,156 --> 00:07:31,159
I'm not mad. I'm just hurt.
211
00:07:31,284 --> 00:07:35,205
And I think we may need some time apart.
212
00:07:35,330 --> 00:07:37,290
No. Denise, please!
213
00:07:37,415 --> 00:07:38,750
Give me another chance!
214
00:07:41,252 --> 00:07:43,755
I don't want to be in the gym.
You go in the gym!
215
00:07:43,880 --> 00:07:45,882
Guys, I don't even know if this thing
is getting published.
216
00:07:46,007 --> 00:07:48,385
But once it's published,
it'll be too late for us to complain.
217
00:07:48,510 --> 00:07:50,178
Yeah. We're complaining now, okay?
218
00:07:50,303 --> 00:07:53,390
You have a decision to make.
It's either us or the book.
219
00:07:53,515 --> 00:07:56,851
Yeah, yeah, he's right.
It's us or the book.
220
00:07:56,976 --> 00:07:58,186
What does that even mean?
221
00:07:58,311 --> 00:07:59,354
What, you're not gonna see me anymore?
222
00:07:59,479 --> 00:08:00,772
The kids will still want to hang out,
223
00:08:00,897 --> 00:08:02,023
but we're done talking to you.
224
00:08:02,148 --> 00:08:04,150
Yeah, we'll still have Christmas,
but you're not getting any presents,
225
00:08:04,275 --> 00:08:05,735
and he's rich, so your loss.
226
00:08:05,860 --> 00:08:07,278
Come on, you guys are being ridiculous.
227
00:08:07,404 --> 00:08:08,905
Oh, oh, we're being ridiculous?
228
00:08:09,030 --> 00:08:10,407
Oh, we're being ridiculous.
229
00:08:10,532 --> 00:08:12,075
Oh, ridiculous!
How original for a writer
230
00:08:12,200 --> 00:08:14,160
to call a woman "ridiculous."
231
00:08:14,285 --> 00:08:15,954
What's next, "hysterical"?
232
00:08:16,079 --> 00:08:17,622
- What's next, "hysterical"?
- What am I, crazy?
233
00:08:17,747 --> 00:08:19,165
You're just copying
everything that she's saying.
234
00:08:19,290 --> 00:08:21,000
We're all seeing it come out now!
235
00:08:21,126 --> 00:08:24,295
You're arguing about Tom's lovely book?
236
00:08:24,421 --> 00:08:25,922
If it's not one thing, it's another.
237
00:08:26,047 --> 00:08:28,299
Let's skedaddle,
let these kids fight it out.
238
00:08:28,425 --> 00:08:30,844
Look, Tom, your book ruined
Mom and Dad's special day.
239
00:08:30,969 --> 00:08:32,887
No, guys, please don't leave. Okay?
240
00:08:33,012 --> 00:08:34,764
Can we just go talk someplace?
241
00:08:34,889 --> 00:08:36,558
I mean, I guess we can go
to the wine cellar.
242
00:08:37,934 --> 00:08:39,227
- You have a wine cellar?
- Yeah.
243
00:08:39,352 --> 00:08:40,812
There's, like, a bunch
of rooms you haven't seen.
244
00:08:40,937 --> 00:08:43,398
[mellow music]
245
00:08:43,523 --> 00:08:46,985
Fun fact, this is actually
Matt Damon's old panic room.
246
00:08:47,110 --> 00:08:50,196
This is perfect. We can have some wine,
247
00:08:50,321 --> 00:08:52,991
get some stuff off of our chest.
248
00:08:53,116 --> 00:08:54,451
You would love that, wouldn't you?
249
00:08:54,576 --> 00:08:56,745
You're always up
for a little Cab and blab.
250
00:08:56,870 --> 00:08:57,871
You know who else hated gossip?
251
00:08:57,996 --> 00:08:59,873
- Eleanor Roosevelt.
- Sarah...
252
00:08:59,998 --> 00:09:01,875
You said that you found her
strength and intelligence sexy.
253
00:09:03,334 --> 00:09:04,419
Look, guys, if we're just gonna fight,
254
00:09:04,544 --> 00:09:06,421
I don't want Mom and Dad to hear.
255
00:09:06,546 --> 00:09:07,964
Ah, Tom, no!
256
00:09:08,089 --> 00:09:09,215
We're not leaving until we settle this.
257
00:09:09,340 --> 00:09:10,759
Yeah, we're not leaving,
258
00:09:10,884 --> 00:09:12,635
'cause I don't know the code
to open that door.
259
00:09:12,769 --> 00:09:14,020
- Tom!
- What is wrong with you?
260
00:09:14,137 --> 00:09:15,263
Nice going, Tom!
261
00:09:15,388 --> 00:09:17,182
What, me? What about this guy?
262
00:09:17,322 --> 00:09:19,240
Who has a panic room
and forgets the code?
263
00:09:19,350 --> 00:09:21,269
I didn't forget the code, Tom.
264
00:09:21,383 --> 00:09:23,188
I never bothered to learn it.
265
00:09:25,774 --> 00:09:27,192
How about "them apples"?
266
00:09:27,317 --> 00:09:28,526
Punch in Ben Affleck's birthday.
267
00:09:28,651 --> 00:09:30,057
- Oh, "We Bought A Zoo!"
- Sarah.
268
00:09:30,151 --> 00:09:31,076
Sorry.
269
00:09:31,154 --> 00:09:34,041
How is there not a corkscrew
in a wine cellar?
270
00:09:34,127 --> 00:09:36,284
[cell phone buzzes]
271
00:09:36,409 --> 00:09:38,286
I just got a text
from Amanda, the agent.
272
00:09:38,411 --> 00:09:39,579
She said she wants to talk in an hour.
273
00:09:39,704 --> 00:09:41,456
- That's gotta be good, right?
- Yeah.
274
00:09:41,581 --> 00:09:44,541
Okay, I gotta get out of here.
275
00:09:44,632 --> 00:09:45,884
Oh, I gotta get out of here.
276
00:09:46,002 --> 00:09:47,432
Is there, like, a security company?
277
00:09:47,541 --> 00:09:49,839
Mom? Dad?
278
00:09:49,964 --> 00:09:51,883
- Camila?
- Camila!
279
00:09:52,008 --> 00:09:54,052
I got it. In the kitchen,
280
00:09:54,527 --> 00:09:56,237
there's a binder with the code in it.
281
00:09:56,362 --> 00:09:58,406
Yeah, it's in, like, a 2-inch
thick Staples brand binder.
282
00:09:58,531 --> 00:10:00,575
Like, a sky blue swirl pattern
283
00:10:00,700 --> 00:10:02,677
with gold speckles on it.
It should be in the top drawer
284
00:10:02,785 --> 00:10:04,704
to the right of the stove,
left of the mini fridge.
285
00:10:06,455 --> 00:10:10,126
You know all those details,
but not the code?
286
00:10:10,251 --> 00:10:12,170
Connie. Okay.
287
00:10:12,295 --> 00:10:13,588
I'm on it.
288
00:10:13,713 --> 00:10:14,630
Don't worry about it.
289
00:10:14,755 --> 00:10:16,591
Yeah.
290
00:10:16,716 --> 00:10:19,427
The chuckleheads locked
themselves in the wine cellar.
291
00:10:19,552 --> 00:10:22,388
Our son has a wine cellar?
Take that, Brenda.
292
00:10:22,513 --> 00:10:24,473
Yeah, and he gave me
an overly specific description
293
00:10:24,599 --> 00:10:26,517
of where the binder is.
294
00:10:26,642 --> 00:10:29,020
Let's see.
295
00:10:29,145 --> 00:10:31,189
Bingo, binder.
296
00:10:31,314 --> 00:10:33,399
That was fun to say. There's the code.
297
00:10:33,524 --> 00:10:36,402
So let me call Connor back.
298
00:10:36,527 --> 00:10:38,487
- Or...
- Or what?
299
00:10:39,697 --> 00:10:40,740
You hear that, Mur?
300
00:10:43,326 --> 00:10:46,537
Huh? Nobody arguing about anything.
301
00:10:46,662 --> 00:10:50,708
So if we can't find the code
right away...
302
00:10:50,833 --> 00:10:53,127
I'm reading you like the morning paper,
303
00:10:53,252 --> 00:10:54,629
and the headline is,
304
00:10:54,754 --> 00:10:57,340
"Couple finally enjoys
nice anniversary."
305
00:10:57,465 --> 00:10:59,634
♪ ♪
306
00:10:59,759 --> 00:11:03,221
- They can't find the code.
- Oh, what happened?
307
00:11:03,346 --> 00:11:04,931
Did they fall asleep while you
were describing the binder?
308
00:11:05,056 --> 00:11:06,515
Ha! Good one.
309
00:11:06,641 --> 00:11:08,643
No. Not for you.
310
00:11:08,768 --> 00:11:10,645
Guys, can we just work together
to try to get out of here?
311
00:11:10,770 --> 00:11:12,355
I have that call in 45 minutes,
312
00:11:12,480 --> 00:11:17,151
and I can't do it with all
your faces just looking at me.
313
00:11:17,276 --> 00:11:19,487
Or you guys playing tug of war
over a piece of bark.
314
00:11:19,612 --> 00:11:21,364
This is not just a piece of bark, okay?
315
00:11:21,489 --> 00:11:23,991
It's a symbol how Connor
takes whatever he wants
316
00:11:24,116 --> 00:11:25,326
like a selfish baby.
317
00:11:25,451 --> 00:11:27,286
Tom's stupid book was right.
318
00:11:27,411 --> 00:11:28,663
You do blow everything up.
319
00:11:28,788 --> 00:11:30,665
"Oh, the universe is so unfair,
320
00:11:30,790 --> 00:11:33,376
denying me my right to the stick."
321
00:11:34,460 --> 00:11:35,670
All right. You know what?
322
00:11:35,795 --> 00:11:37,380
I want you to have "Alicia Silverstick,"
323
00:11:37,505 --> 00:11:39,465
to prove,
despite what you and Tom think,
324
00:11:39,590 --> 00:11:41,300
that I am not some vegan rage werewolf.
325
00:11:41,425 --> 00:11:42,760
Mm, you know what?
326
00:11:42,885 --> 00:11:44,303
I think you should have the stick
327
00:11:44,428 --> 00:11:46,472
as a sign of my non-immaturity.
328
00:11:46,597 --> 00:11:48,516
You can just say maturity.
329
00:11:48,641 --> 00:11:51,102
[mockingly] You can just say maturity.
330
00:11:51,227 --> 00:11:52,728
Can I borrow your shoe?
331
00:11:52,853 --> 00:11:54,522
I learned this trick in college.
332
00:11:54,647 --> 00:11:55,773
I'm not letting you borrow my shoe.
333
00:11:55,898 --> 00:11:57,441
Denise, you could be mad at me sober
334
00:11:57,566 --> 00:12:00,111
or mad at me drinking $500 wine.
335
00:12:00,236 --> 00:12:02,613
Your choice.
336
00:12:05,324 --> 00:12:10,371
♪ ♪
337
00:12:10,496 --> 00:12:13,791
I think the movie Muriel
would have a Southern accent.
338
00:12:13,916 --> 00:12:16,168
Now this? This is the life.
339
00:12:16,294 --> 00:12:18,796
[cell phone buzzing]
340
00:12:20,172 --> 00:12:21,632
Yellow? Hey, Con.
341
00:12:21,757 --> 00:12:24,385
No, we have looked all over for it.
342
00:12:24,510 --> 00:12:27,138
Yeah, listen, hang tight.
Don't lose hope.
343
00:12:27,263 --> 00:12:29,432
Looks like I'm not
the only actor in the family.
344
00:12:29,557 --> 00:12:31,517
Hey, Kelvie.
The Marshall character, right?
345
00:12:31,642 --> 00:12:32,727
So he's sitting in his office.
346
00:12:32,852 --> 00:12:36,230
He's got this haunted look on his face,
347
00:12:36,355 --> 00:12:38,649
and in through the door walks this dame,
348
00:12:38,774 --> 00:12:41,902
and I'm talking gams for days.
349
00:12:42,028 --> 00:12:43,154
[upbeat music]
350
00:12:43,279 --> 00:12:44,822
- [bottle thunking]
- [sighs]
351
00:12:46,741 --> 00:12:49,243
♪ ♪
352
00:12:49,368 --> 00:12:51,245
Just stop!
353
00:12:51,370 --> 00:12:53,080
I have the most important call
of my life,
354
00:12:53,205 --> 00:12:54,457
and you guys are driving me crazy.
355
00:12:54,582 --> 00:12:56,250
I'm trying to help.
356
00:12:56,375 --> 00:12:58,294
Just put some muscle into it!
357
00:12:58,419 --> 00:13:00,254
[gasps]
358
00:13:00,379 --> 00:13:02,465
♪ ♪
359
00:13:02,590 --> 00:13:04,550
No.
360
00:13:04,675 --> 00:13:05,843
You know what really hurts, Tom?
361
00:13:05,968 --> 00:13:07,553
I thought we were getting along
better than ever.
362
00:13:07,678 --> 00:13:09,388
Like, I... I really felt that.
363
00:13:09,513 --> 00:13:11,766
So did I.
But you were just taking notes.
364
00:13:11,891 --> 00:13:13,476
Using us.
365
00:13:13,601 --> 00:13:15,186
Oh, man, this is why I didn't
want you guys to read it
366
00:13:15,311 --> 00:13:16,520
until it was finished, but now you have,
367
00:13:16,645 --> 00:13:17,813
and I don't know what to do. It's, like,
368
00:13:17,938 --> 00:13:19,607
if I stop writing the book,
I won't have any money.
369
00:13:19,732 --> 00:13:21,275
And if I don't have any money,
then Marina has
370
00:13:21,400 --> 00:13:23,778
to go back to work
at some sleazy law firm.
371
00:13:23,903 --> 00:13:26,447
She probably meets some slick
tax attorney who's bilingual,
372
00:13:26,572 --> 00:13:28,407
by the way, and my kids
will start calling him Papi,
373
00:13:28,532 --> 00:13:30,451
and I'll be out in the street
and alone with no family,
374
00:13:30,576 --> 00:13:32,787
wishing I hadn't quit beginner Spanish
because I can't roll my Rs.
375
00:13:32,912 --> 00:13:34,497
[flatly] Churro, churr...
376
00:13:34,622 --> 00:13:36,791
I still can't do it! [frustrated laugh]
377
00:13:36,916 --> 00:13:38,417
[rolling Rs] Churro.
378
00:13:38,542 --> 00:13:39,835
Ah, it's so fricking hot in here, right?
379
00:13:39,960 --> 00:13:41,420
It's like, it's like, 1,000 degrees!
380
00:13:41,545 --> 00:13:42,463
Are we gonna run
out of oxygen at some point?
381
00:13:42,588 --> 00:13:43,713
- [cell phone buzzing]
- That's it, that's her.
382
00:13:43,814 --> 00:13:45,841
I can feel it. Yep, okay.
383
00:13:45,966 --> 00:13:49,178
- What do I do? What do I do?
- Answer it. Be cool.
384
00:13:49,303 --> 00:13:50,346
Okay, yeah. I can do that.
385
00:13:50,471 --> 00:13:51,472
[exhales]
386
00:13:51,597 --> 00:13:53,643
Let me just kinda... hmm, okay.
387
00:13:53,745 --> 00:13:55,684
[cell phone buzzing]
388
00:13:55,810 --> 00:13:57,728
Just gonna...
389
00:13:57,861 --> 00:14:00,739
[clearing throat continuously]
390
00:14:03,609 --> 00:14:05,236
[cell phone buzzing]
391
00:14:05,361 --> 00:14:06,404
[clears throat]
392
00:14:06,529 --> 00:14:07,405
- Tom.
- Yeah, I got it.
393
00:14:07,530 --> 00:14:08,739
[clears throat]
394
00:14:08,864 --> 00:14:11,325
Tom Hayworth, we meet at last.
395
00:14:11,450 --> 00:14:12,451
Hey, Amanda, how's it hanging?
396
00:14:12,576 --> 00:14:14,286
Going... how... how you going?
397
00:14:14,412 --> 00:14:15,913
How's it going with you?
[chuckles nervously]
398
00:14:16,038 --> 00:14:17,915
But, seriously, how are you doing?
399
00:14:18,040 --> 00:14:19,667
[laughs] So anyway,
400
00:14:19,792 --> 00:14:21,919
we are having the best time in Yosemite
401
00:14:22,044 --> 00:14:23,796
until we're out on this hike,
and the kids find
402
00:14:23,921 --> 00:14:26,882
this dang stick that your grandmother
403
00:14:27,007 --> 00:14:29,677
- and I called "Stevie Sticks."
- Mm-hmm.
404
00:14:29,802 --> 00:14:31,137
[both laughing]
405
00:14:31,262 --> 00:14:33,639
Fleetwood Mac? Anybody?
406
00:14:33,764 --> 00:14:35,683
Fleetwood Mac?
407
00:14:35,808 --> 00:14:37,435
Oh, yeah, no, it's old.
408
00:14:37,560 --> 00:14:40,187
Anyway, your mom and dads
fought so much over this stick
409
00:14:40,312 --> 00:14:41,689
that we locked them in the cabin
410
00:14:41,814 --> 00:14:43,524
and spent some peace and quiet
out on the deck.
411
00:14:43,649 --> 00:14:44,692
So just like today.
412
00:14:44,817 --> 00:14:45,693
- Yeah!
- That's right.
413
00:14:45,818 --> 00:14:47,570
Isn't that something?
414
00:14:47,695 --> 00:14:49,530
I just wanted to say again
how nice it is
415
00:14:49,655 --> 00:14:51,407
to have the opportunity
to be able to speak with you,
416
00:14:51,532 --> 00:14:52,783
and just the fact
that you called back so quickly
417
00:14:52,908 --> 00:14:56,287
is the cherry
on top of a sundae that is...
418
00:14:56,412 --> 00:14:58,372
I'm sorry. What was the question?
419
00:14:58,497 --> 00:14:59,915
- How are you?
- Oh, uh, good.
420
00:15:00,040 --> 00:15:01,876
Well. I'm well. How are you?
421
00:15:02,001 --> 00:15:04,295
Great. Let's talk about your book.
422
00:15:04,420 --> 00:15:05,546
I can change the whole thing.
[chuckles nervously]
423
00:15:05,671 --> 00:15:08,215
- I love it.
- Oh!
424
00:15:08,340 --> 00:15:10,468
'Kay, okay. Wow.
425
00:15:10,593 --> 00:15:12,511
Yeah, the whole rich,
middle, poor thing.
426
00:15:12,636 --> 00:15:13,888
Ugh, it's very "now."
427
00:15:14,013 --> 00:15:15,389
I wouldn't say we're poor.
428
00:15:15,514 --> 00:15:17,766
And I love "The Normals."
429
00:15:17,892 --> 00:15:19,768
Never have two women
needed each other more.
430
00:15:19,894 --> 00:15:23,230
They are a great pair. I see a spin-off.
431
00:15:23,355 --> 00:15:26,192
But I do have some thoughts
on the characters.
432
00:15:26,317 --> 00:15:27,735
Coolio.
433
00:15:27,860 --> 00:15:30,237
Uh, this Sarah, she's...
434
00:15:30,362 --> 00:15:32,239
how do I say this?
435
00:15:32,364 --> 00:15:33,532
Unlikable.
436
00:15:33,657 --> 00:15:35,951
She's so angry and shouty,
437
00:15:36,076 --> 00:15:37,912
and people, they don't want
to be angry all the time.
438
00:15:38,037 --> 00:15:39,997
I can't sell angry.
439
00:15:40,122 --> 00:15:41,582
Does she have to be so political?
440
00:15:41,707 --> 00:15:43,083
What is wrong with political?
441
00:15:43,209 --> 00:15:44,585
Why don't we just make her
a fun lesbian?
442
00:15:44,710 --> 00:15:47,254
Like Rosie O'Donnell in the '90s?
443
00:15:47,379 --> 00:15:50,257
Huh, why... I hadn't thought about that.
444
00:15:50,382 --> 00:15:51,550
Oh, let me get ahead of you.
445
00:15:51,675 --> 00:15:53,260
It's not offensive. I'm bi.
446
00:15:53,385 --> 00:15:56,096
I like mostly everyone,
which is a "me" problem.
447
00:15:56,222 --> 00:16:00,434
But, Connor, he comes off
a little bit like a...
448
00:16:00,559 --> 00:16:01,810
- Doofus?
- A dummy.
449
00:16:01,936 --> 00:16:03,270
I was gonna say dummy.
450
00:16:03,395 --> 00:16:04,438
Yeah, how did he get all his money?
451
00:16:04,563 --> 00:16:05,940
I'm just not buying it.
452
00:16:06,065 --> 00:16:08,734
How about you make him a villain?
453
00:16:08,859 --> 00:16:09,777
Like, an evil genius,
454
00:16:09,902 --> 00:16:11,737
like a Bernie Madoff type?
455
00:16:11,862 --> 00:16:13,781
He steals money from Tom and Sarah.
456
00:16:13,906 --> 00:16:15,449
Ooh, you could give him
457
00:16:15,574 --> 00:16:16,742
a little nasty little kink, you know?
458
00:16:16,867 --> 00:16:18,786
We could market
to the "Fifty Shades" crowd.
459
00:16:18,911 --> 00:16:21,872
Ah, well, I mean, you're the expert.
460
00:16:21,997 --> 00:16:25,793
Okay, make those changes,
and we might have a book here.
461
00:16:25,918 --> 00:16:27,920
I can pull you right up
to the top where you belong.
462
00:16:28,045 --> 00:16:29,713
You in?
463
00:16:35,427 --> 00:16:37,346
[chuckles]
464
00:16:37,471 --> 00:16:38,931
I can't.
465
00:16:41,684 --> 00:16:44,478
Was that a can or a can't?
466
00:16:44,603 --> 00:16:46,480
What was it?
467
00:16:46,605 --> 00:16:47,773
The thing is, Amanda,
468
00:16:47,898 --> 00:16:49,775
these characters
that you're talking about...
469
00:16:51,610 --> 00:16:54,238
I mean, I love them.
470
00:16:54,363 --> 00:16:56,574
You say that Sarah is too angry,
471
00:16:56,699 --> 00:16:59,994
but I see a woman
who stands up so fiercely
472
00:17:00,119 --> 00:17:01,704
for what she believes in.
473
00:17:01,829 --> 00:17:05,332
And, yeah, she has a tendency
to leave places
474
00:17:05,457 --> 00:17:07,876
or be asked to leave places,
475
00:17:08,002 --> 00:17:11,755
but that's just because
she cares so much.
476
00:17:11,880 --> 00:17:13,757
I wish I cared about anything
477
00:17:13,882 --> 00:17:16,510
as much as Sarah cares about...
478
00:17:16,635 --> 00:17:18,637
everything.
479
00:17:18,762 --> 00:17:20,723
- I do care.
- And, yeah, I can see
480
00:17:20,848 --> 00:17:22,725
where it looks like Connor
lives his life
481
00:17:22,850 --> 00:17:24,768
like Tom Hanks in "Big,"
482
00:17:24,893 --> 00:17:26,854
but where you see that
as immature and impulsive,
483
00:17:26,979 --> 00:17:29,523
I see his childlike optimism.
484
00:17:29,648 --> 00:17:31,400
Connor believes anything is possible.
485
00:17:31,525 --> 00:17:33,027
I dream impossible dreams.
486
00:17:33,152 --> 00:17:34,862
And, yeah, your version
might sell more copies,
487
00:17:34,987 --> 00:17:37,531
but I want everyone
to see their family in this...
488
00:17:37,656 --> 00:17:39,033
everything that's flawed,
489
00:17:39,158 --> 00:17:43,495
and everything
that's wonderful about them.
490
00:17:43,621 --> 00:17:45,831
[warm music]
491
00:17:45,956 --> 00:17:49,376
And if you're not okay
with that, then...
492
00:17:49,501 --> 00:17:50,919
you know what?
I'm not the author for you.
493
00:17:51,045 --> 00:17:54,506
- Okay, Tom!
- Ay, mi amor.
494
00:17:54,632 --> 00:17:55,849
Huh.
495
00:17:55,982 --> 00:17:57,968
I thought with all the trouble
you had with your last book,
496
00:17:58,093 --> 00:17:59,887
you know, with it not selling,
497
00:18:00,012 --> 00:18:03,098
you'd be a little bit
more open for advice.
498
00:18:03,223 --> 00:18:04,850
But, I mean, honestly, if you wanna...
499
00:18:04,975 --> 00:18:06,769
- [phone clicks]
- Oh.
500
00:18:06,894 --> 00:18:08,854
- I hung up on her.
- Oh, yeah, you did!
501
00:18:08,979 --> 00:18:10,981
- Whoo!
- Whoo!
502
00:18:11,106 --> 00:18:12,066
Oh, my God. What did I do?
503
00:18:12,191 --> 00:18:13,776
- I hung up on her.
- Oh!
504
00:18:13,901 --> 00:18:14,902
You stormed out of the call!
505
00:18:15,027 --> 00:18:16,028
I would have done the same thing.
506
00:18:16,153 --> 00:18:17,738
Very impulsive.
507
00:18:17,863 --> 00:18:19,531
Way to be immature, Tom. I love that.
508
00:18:19,657 --> 00:18:20,991
But what do I do now?
509
00:18:21,116 --> 00:18:22,743
You finish the book.
I want to see what happens.
510
00:18:22,868 --> 00:18:24,912
Are you sure?
You guys are okay with that?
511
00:18:25,037 --> 00:18:27,081
Yeah, it's fine. No one reads anymore.
512
00:18:27,206 --> 00:18:28,957
At least there's some women in this one.
513
00:18:29,083 --> 00:18:31,377
So they're back together.
514
00:18:31,502 --> 00:18:32,920
Reunited, yeah.
515
00:18:33,045 --> 00:18:34,922
[laughter]
516
00:18:35,047 --> 00:18:36,131
- I want what they have.
- I missed you.
517
00:18:36,256 --> 00:18:37,716
I have so many things to gossip about.
518
00:18:37,841 --> 00:18:39,426
Can we never let our spouses
get between us again?
519
00:18:39,551 --> 00:18:40,969
Yes.
520
00:18:41,095 --> 00:18:43,472
[both sighing]
521
00:18:43,597 --> 00:18:44,682
Oh, thank you.
522
00:18:44,807 --> 00:18:46,016
- Yeah.
- Vino?
523
00:18:46,141 --> 00:18:47,976
Oh, thank you.
524
00:18:48,769 --> 00:18:50,646
Well,
525
00:18:50,771 --> 00:18:51,980
now that I have no agent,
526
00:18:52,106 --> 00:18:53,816
guess I'm gonna need
all the luck I can get.
527
00:18:53,941 --> 00:18:55,067
I think it's time for me to take custody
528
00:18:55,192 --> 00:18:56,985
of old "Charles Stickens" here.
529
00:18:57,111 --> 00:18:58,779
- Tom...
- Okay.
530
00:18:58,904 --> 00:19:00,906
- That's not funny, come on.
- [overlapping chatter]
531
00:19:01,031 --> 00:19:02,700
Tom had been scared of the wrong thing.
532
00:19:02,825 --> 00:19:05,536
He was afraid that the book
would tear his family apart.
533
00:19:05,661 --> 00:19:07,955
But if the past few months had
taught the Hayworths anything,
534
00:19:08,080 --> 00:19:10,666
it was that they had a bond
that was unbreakable.
535
00:19:10,791 --> 00:19:12,126
Oh!
536
00:19:12,251 --> 00:19:13,085
- [all screaming]
- Oh!
537
00:19:13,210 --> 00:19:14,253
- Oh!
- Oh!
538
00:19:15,337 --> 00:19:16,463
- No!
- No!
539
00:19:16,588 --> 00:19:19,842
[all groaning]
540
00:19:20,300 --> 00:19:22,636
- Oh!
- Oh, no!
541
00:19:22,761 --> 00:19:24,513
ALL: No, no, no, no, no, no!
542
00:19:26,265 --> 00:19:27,599
Oh, my God.
543
00:19:27,725 --> 00:19:30,060
[door whooshes]
544
00:19:30,185 --> 00:19:32,479
ALL: [chuckle nervously]
545
00:19:32,938 --> 00:19:34,523
Happy anniversary!
546
00:19:34,648 --> 00:19:35,649
- Happy anniversary.
- Yeah!
547
00:19:35,774 --> 00:19:37,735
- Yay!
- Yeah!
548
00:19:37,860 --> 00:19:39,069
[door whooshes]
549
00:19:39,194 --> 00:19:41,037
- Oh, wait...
- No, wait...
550
00:19:41,819 --> 00:19:43,936
Okay, guys. This is a little exciting.
551
00:19:44,022 --> 00:19:45,826
It's time for a dramatic reading
552
00:19:45,951 --> 00:19:47,161
from an upcoming bestseller
553
00:19:47,286 --> 00:19:49,079
that's very personal to all of us.
554
00:19:49,204 --> 00:19:51,165
It's drawn from our very own family.
555
00:19:51,290 --> 00:19:52,875
So without further ado, I give you,
556
00:19:53,000 --> 00:19:55,169
"A Kill Too Far:
557
00:19:55,294 --> 00:19:57,171
Book One of the Marshall Chronicles"
558
00:19:57,296 --> 00:19:59,006
by Marshall Hayworth.
559
00:19:59,131 --> 00:20:00,841
- [cheers and applause]
- [whistling]
560
00:20:00,966 --> 00:20:02,509
- Yeah!
- Grandpa!
561
00:20:02,634 --> 00:20:04,678
"Chapter one.
562
00:20:04,803 --> 00:20:08,098
"Marshall Hayworth's hands were
registered as lethal weapons.
563
00:20:08,223 --> 00:20:11,935
"The only thing darker than
his smoky eyes was his past.
564
00:20:12,060 --> 00:20:13,228
- There was a knock at the door."
- [cell phone buzzing]
565
00:20:13,353 --> 00:20:15,564
"In walked trouble,
566
00:20:15,689 --> 00:20:17,983
perched on the prettiest pins
he'd ever seen."
567
00:20:18,108 --> 00:20:19,735
That's me. [chuckles]
568
00:20:19,860 --> 00:20:21,528
- Amanda?
- Listen, Tom.
569
00:20:21,653 --> 00:20:22,863
I've been thinking about
everything you said,
570
00:20:22,988 --> 00:20:24,782
and it really resonated with me.
571
00:20:24,907 --> 00:20:26,533
Made me think about my own family.
572
00:20:26,658 --> 00:20:28,118
Ugh, they're a bunch of screwups, too.
573
00:20:28,251 --> 00:20:31,213
- Well, I didn't exactly call them...
- So if you're game, I would love
574
00:20:31,330 --> 00:20:32,998
to take you on as a client.
575
00:20:33,123 --> 00:20:35,793
Let's sell that book of yours.
576
00:20:36,460 --> 00:20:37,961
- Really?
- Well, I guess you could say
577
00:20:38,086 --> 00:20:40,516
I just have this soft spot
for sibling stories.
578
00:20:40,648 --> 00:20:43,926
Also, three of my clients just
got canceled for racist tweets,
579
00:20:44,051 --> 00:20:45,844
so I need to sell something.
580
00:20:45,969 --> 00:20:47,012
But here's the thing.
581
00:20:47,137 --> 00:20:48,847
I hang up on you.
You don't hang up on me.
582
00:20:48,972 --> 00:20:50,261
Absolutely, understood.
583
00:20:52,059 --> 00:20:54,228
No, I need you to keep
talking so I can hang up.
584
00:20:54,353 --> 00:20:55,854
Oh, okay, well, in that case,
585
00:20:55,979 --> 00:20:57,731
let me just say it's a thrill...
586
00:20:57,856 --> 00:20:58,857
to... are you... hello?
587
00:20:58,982 --> 00:21:00,234
You still... okay.
588
00:21:00,359 --> 00:21:02,110
[Lizzo's "Good as Hell"]
589
00:21:02,236 --> 00:21:04,321
"'Well, then, you've come
to the right place, '
590
00:21:04,446 --> 00:21:06,824
"replied Marshall,
taking a pull off of the Scotch
591
00:21:06,949 --> 00:21:09,576
he kept in his desk drawer,
a snub-nosed..."
592
00:21:09,701 --> 00:21:12,583
♪ I do my hair toss, check my nails ♪
593
00:21:12,693 --> 00:21:15,249
♪ Baby, how you feelin'?
Feelin' good as hell ♪
594
00:21:15,374 --> 00:21:17,751
♪ Hair toss, check my nails ♪
595
00:21:17,876 --> 00:21:21,129
♪ Baby, how you feelin'?
Feelin' good as hell ♪
596
00:21:21,255 --> 00:21:22,714
♪ Feelin' good as hell ♪
597
00:21:22,840 --> 00:21:25,217
♪ Baby, how you feelin'?
Feelin' good as hell ♪
598
00:21:25,342 --> 00:21:32,224
♪ ♪
44752
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