All language subtitles for The Pole s01e03 Shitty Nick.eng

[Elf David Attenborough]
Welcome to "Story Time."

Today's story...

Christmas?

Really?

In the middle of spring?

Whatever.

Ahem.

The year was 264 A.D.

The place...

Constantinople,

a town ravaged by famine.

A hellhole
God said goodbye to long ago.

But there was one man,

a baker
by the name of Nicholas,

who made it his mission

to feed the hungry,

the righteous,

the nice.

When the famine ended,

the people of Constantinople
thanked him

by giving him a golden key
to the city.

[roars]

But the naughty,
the "Jerk Turks" if you will,

thought he was shitty
for not giving them bread, too.

So they set out

to kill the man
they called "Skatonik"--

loose translation
"Shitty Nick"--

on a night that would be known
as "Ataktos Nychta"...

the "Night of the Naughty."

[grumbling]

With no home or family,
Skatonik wandered the earth.

Until one day he came across
a group of elves.

With spears!

[***]

They told him
they'd been waiting

for a man
of absolute moral fiber

to fulfill the prophecy
and become their king.

[***]

Together,
they created a society

based on justice and purity,

and made it their business

to give to those
who were like-minded.

[***]

So on the one night
of the year,

when all the town folk
were gathered

to celebrate the birthday
of their Lord Jesus,

Skatonik and his head elf

snuck in to deliver gifts
to the nice.

[***]

But man doth be prone
to temptation.

For Skatonik,

it was the feathery touch
of tiny fingers...

the mystique...

of a magical muff.

[***]

Needless to say

the other elves
were quite cheesed off.

They thought he was a saint--

not some shitty, horny perv.

So they banished them both
on the spot.

But Skatonik
cared more for power

than for love.

He said that the elf
had seduced him,

and she was the one
who should be banished.

[***]

So they sent her
to the coal mines.

[shouting angrily]

[***]

To convince the elves
of his purity,

he signed
the Pledge of the Nice,

and stated that only the nice
would receive gifts.

[cheering]

And it would be coal
for the naughty.

And that, I guess,
is the story of Christmas.

Man, we have
a fucked up history.

Uh, ya think?

[***]

[Nick sighs heavily]

You okay there, pal?

Maybe?

I don't even know anymore.

Oh, fuck me.
We're doing this, aren't we?

Doesn't any of this shit
bother you?

Skatonik? The nice?

All this bullshit?

I mean, it does,

but I've made peace with it,

if, once a year,

a nice girl can open up,

I dunno,
a Polly Pocket Mega Mall,

and feel a brief flicker of joy

to brighten up

the dark fucking apocalypse
I call earth.

Oh, man, we really approach
this Christmas thing

from different angles.

Look, Skatonik
was a piece of shit,

but sometimes
the ends justify the means.

But what if I'm a means guy?

Not a mean guy,
a "meanssss" guy?

Don't--just don't worry
about it too much.

Just keep your head down
and keep grinding.

Keep...

shining?

Yeah, you're probably right.

But I don't know, hear me out,

I'm just saying,

okay, what if--

Nick, if you're about to say
what I think you're gonna say--

I'm gonna say it.

-Don't you say it.
-You know I'm going to.

-Shush!
-No, you shush!

No!

We need to get rid
of the naughty list,

take the Pledge of the Nice,

and shove it up Skatonik's ass!

Motherfucker.

You said it.

I know you think you're making
the right decision,

but if you do this,

you and me are done.

Also, I will cut your dick off
and bury it in your mouth.

Oh, fuck, son, hi.

Would you like to join me
for a pancake?

Or multiple pancakes

in what could best be described
as pan-kakke situation?

No, Dad, I don't want to be
gangbanged by pancakes.

Stop it.

Okay.

I guess...

more for me.

By the way, I couldn't help
but overhear you and Mom.

And I just wanna say,

standing up
for what you believe in

is tight.

You're, like, super tight, Dad.

Wow, really?

Oh, yeah, I'm, like,
really proud

to be your son or whatever.

And Mom will come around.

Trust me.

I know her like a mother.

You know what, Jack,

I was really scared
of your mother

and her ability
to always be right,

but I think on this one,

I'm gonna go with your gut,

which is the same as my gut...

only different--

because you exercise.

[laughs]

And I don't.

Tight.

[Ebba] We are so relieved
to be back at work.

Can you believe

I spent this entire time
baking bread?

I know, the telltale sign
of true depression.

Holy shit, that's moist.

Is that fucking nutmeg?

If I told you,
then I'd have to kill you.

[laughing]

What?

But speaking
of you murdering me,

I've decided to get rid
of the naughty list, you know.

From now on, we'll be making
toys for every child,

so, whoosh,

the band-aid
has been ripped off.

Hooray!

[rages]

That is not
how you take off a band-aid!

You soak it in water,

you soften the glue, you--

Mac obviously
removes a lot of band-aids,

because that's what you do
when you fall off trampolines.

What you don't do...

is murder Christmas, Claus!

There is nothing more dangerous

than a toy in the hands
of a naughty child.

Nothing!

This. Means. War.

Not all of us have the luxury
of exiting through chimneys.

[crash]

Whee!

Okay.
Ebba, I'll walk you out.

Santa Claus has threatened
our way of life!

And now he calls for revolution?

Well, I think
Santa Claus must pay!

[cheering]

Now, in the name of Skatonik...

turn to your neighbor
and wish them a merry evening!

[***]

Yo, you guys got
a motherfucking Advil?

Jernigan?
Are you alright, dude?

I don't know Jernigan.

I'm Jerry.

That's my pimp name.

Okay.

Are you alright, Jerry?

I mean, where have you been?

I've been balling
out of control,

you trifling fucknuggets.

[whispers]
I went to The Pole last night.

What?

I done seen the light, boys.

Naughty is the new nice,
motherfuckers.

Fuck you looking at?

Whoa, language, buddy.

Who gives a jolly jizz
about language?

This is all a lie!

The pledge, Ebba.

I mean, hell,

we're talking about burning
the factory to the ground?

Can't you see
the hypocrisy in that!

Santa was right.

We have to love each other,

and I mean that
in every sense of the word.

I mean it like fucking.

[Christmas rock music playing]

[music stops]

[glass shatters]

I'm looking for my girlfriend.

What the fuck do you want?

Can we--

This is a private conversation.

Whatever you have to say to me,
you can say to the entire bar.

That's how socialism works.

Okay, well,

if this is where
it has to happen,

then this is where
it has to happen.

[laughs]

Helenor, we belong together.

[slurps]

And I owe you a sorry
and a thank you.

A "Sank You," if you will.

Until we met,

I was just following

in the bootsteps
of all the Santas before me,

but look at my feet...

I'm wearing sandals with socks.

We're definitely going

to have to do
something about that.

[Nick] Too late.

I've also had it up to here
with the nice elves.

So I told them
to take a fucking hike.

Are you on cocaine right now?

Yeah, but, like,
the smallest amount of cocaine.

Like, boop.
Like that amount of cocaine.

You swear?

I swear, okay.

On Dasher, on Prancer,

on Dancer, on Vixen,

Comet, and Cupid,

and Donner, and Blitzen.

Okay.

Then welcome to the party.

Fuck, yeah.

The bar is open!

Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-bew!

[***]

[smooch!]

[***]

Good morning.

Whoa, you're up early.

If you even live here anymore.

Couldn't really sleep.

Figured I'd get
a head start on the day.

You know,
with everything going on,

you might want to consider
a banana.

You still have your good looks.

Might be helpful
to hold onto them.

You know, you and this cookie
are the same.

Mm!

Sweet on the outside.

Mm!

But full of shit.

Oh, give me a break.

You're the one
with all the lies.

Covering up for Dad

while he's out sticking it
to his floozie.

Funny you should mention that,

because for
all your Dad's faults,

he and I worked very hard

to keep Helenor's identity
a secret.

You know, the only time
her name has even been uttered

was at this breakfast table.

In front of you.

Look, are we done here?

I have a 7:00 a.m.
plasma exchange.

Sit down.

Okay...

What?

Hanging out with a penguin
is totally normal.

A penguin...

in a sauna?

I don't know what to tell you.
He likes to sweat.

Schvitz recognize schvitz.

I love you like a son,

but you realize
you're a fucking idiot, right?

Oh, as if!

I'm in these streets
playing Chess

while you bitches
are stuck playing Candyland!

So don't complain
about Blackjack,

because I just fucked
King Kandy in the ass

and I'm doing
what needs to be done.

You don't know shit,
you're a pawn.

I heard you talking to Dad
this morning.

He wants to piss away

the kingdom
that belongs to me?

Fuck that!

I leaked that dick pic.

I exposed Helenor.

What have you done
to save Christmas?

Yeah, that's right.

Checkmate, bitch!

Tell me,
what move is it in Chess

when you admit to the Queen
you're guilty of treason?

If we're gonna work together,

I'm gonna need you

to pull your head
out of your ass.

Wait, you want to work together?

Ugh. Yes.

But I need to know
you're gonna fall in line

and do whatever I say,

which is why...

you're gonna eat this cookie.

Fuck that.
Out of the question.

Suit yourself.

"Dear Ebba..."

Wait...

Jack, you're an absolute fool,

but you were right
about one thing.

This is Chess...

so long live
the Motherfucking Queen.

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