All language subtitles for Cooper.Barretts.Guide.To.Surviving.Life.S01E09_English

Finding a job where you get

to work side by side with
your friends can be the best.

(grunts)

It can also be the worst.

I came in with two friends!

(grunting)
(grunting)

Thank you!

My name is Cooper Barrett.

My friends and I are here
to mess up our lives

so you don't have to.

Yeah!

To our success.
Mm.

Ah.

Hey.
Hey, how'd you know I was here?

What are you talking about?
You're always here.

What's the occasion?

Oh, uh, their
hangover cure

was just named "Best
New Specialty Beverage"

by BevWeekly.com.

Because of us,

everyone from your casual
Chardonnay sipper

to your hardened alcoholic

is waking up
to a better American morning.

This is how
Dr. Penicillin must have felt

when he created
the what-cha-ma-call-it.

There are so many things wrong
with that statement.

Who are you looking for?
I was hoping

my girl Kelly would be here
so we could hang out,

'cause, you know,
we have a thing.

Oh, like a Patty
from college thing?

No, there can never
be another Patty.

That thing was
like a powder keg.

Kelly and I are just,
you know,

we're besties.

Hi.
Who's that?

I would like
to introduce you all

to my new girlfriend, Ramona.

(with Southern accent):
Howdy, y'all. Nice to meet you.

Let me guess. Texas?

No, but Kelly
bet me ten bucks

I couldn't do the accent.

(laughter)
She can.

(with British accent):
I'm actually from London.

Oh, really?
Nope. Orange County.

(laughing)
You owe me another ten.

Oh, God, you're so good
at accents!

(laughter)
What the hell is going on?

Nice to meet you.
I'm, uh, Cooper Barrett.

Ramona.

KELLY:
Cooper?
Yeah.

Can I talk with you for a sec?
Sure. Sorry.

Knock it off.
What did I do?

You just used your "I want
to sleep with you" voice.

"Hi. I'm Cooper Barrett."

I sound like Optimus Prime?

You are not to
sleep with her.

What? 'Cause of...
'cause of this.

This? There's no this.

So I can sleep with her.
No! Listen.

Solid girlfriends do
not come easy to me,

and I don't want you and
your penis messing it up.

Okay, first of all, she hasn't
even expressed any interest.

And second, if she did, and
I went through with it, I hope

you know I respect you enough
to never tell you about it.

Fine, I won't sleep with her.

Thank you.

Hi. I'm Cooper Barrett.

Hi.
I'm Cooper Barrett.

Hi. I'm Cooper Barrett.

Hi.
There it is.

*

Pretty great, right?

Can't buy publicity
like that. Free sample.

Oh, thanks.
This makes it seem

like you run the company
by yourself.

Yeah, you don't even mention us

one time in this whole thing.
It's called

"Barry's Grandma's Hangover
Cure," not Cooper's.

Your grandmother hasn't been
hungover a day in her life!

Come on, guys, let's focus
on the big picture, all right?

That company, HangEnder, won
this award three years in a row,

and we just beat them. It's not
about individual credit.

Plus, I would have
sung your praises

if I was given
the opportunity.
"When asked how he was able

"to accomplish so much,
he credited the inspiration

to Steve Jobs
and a good night's sleep."

Yeah, you're right.
That was my window, I blew it.

I'm sorry. I...
"And later, he
wished to thank

"his two best friends: hard work

and determination."
Oh, guys, I messed up.

But it was a phone interview.
I mean, you guys know

I value you and your ideas.

Well, I'm happy to hear you say
that, because I actually

have a couple ideas
about promotion and social...

Yeah, hold that thought.
Get your free sample.

Barry's Grandma's
Hangover Cure?

Yeah.
I've heard that stuff's

made in an apartment,

and you can taste pig feces.

What? Where'd you hear that?

"Barry's Grandma's Hangover Cure

is made in an apartment
with pig feces."

COOPER:
That's simply untrue.

I mean, he hasn't had
an accident in weeks.

(snorting)

I mean, if they would have said
pig urine...

There's comments
from this CooperSucks person

all over the net.

Obviously, the person

who's posting this
has inside information,

so they can do serious damage
to our business,

if they haven't already.

Okay, so how do we find out
who this CooperSucks69 is?

I'm one step ahead of you, sir.

I've traced the IP address, and
it looks like it's someone...

in our apartment building.

What do you want?

Hey, Virgil. Uh...

someone's been trolling Barry's
Grandma's Hangover Cure online.

Uh, you wouldn't happen to know
anything about that, would you?

What is... trolling?

Uh, it means people are making
fun of us on the Internet.

Ooh. Which site do I do that?

We're not telling you
to do that.

Oh, I'll find out.

I have so many "Barry's
Grandma's so fat" jokes.

(laughing)
What?!

Do you really think
Mrs. Billingsly is our troll?

She's, like,
90 years old.

Well, we have to cross everyone
in the building off our list.

You know what? I haven't
seen her in a few weeks.

Come to think of it,
neither have I.

Well, at least
she led a good life.

(indistinct radio
communication)

Actually,
I think she collaborated

in the Armenian genocide.

But still, neat lady.

I don't get it.
We've checked every apartment.

Well, not
every apartment.

I can't believe it.

I never would've suspected it.

What are you guys doing
in my apartment?

Welcome home... Kelly.

Or should we say, CooperSucks69?

Wait. Were the first
68 CooperSucks already taken?

This is impossible.
Had anyone else in
your apartment recently?

Any male visitors, perhaps?
BARRY:
Or poltergeists?

I seen this episode
of Ghost Hunters where

this one ghost went
into this one dude's account

and messed up his credit.
Spooky.

No guys or ghosts have been
in my apartment.

I'm the only one
who uses this computer.

Oh, and Ramona.

Wait, wait, wait, hold up. Say
Ramona's last name is Miller.

Right?
You're already
forgetting her name.

You slept with her, didn't you?!

You said she
was a trainer?
Yeah. So?

Because Ramona Miller
is not a personal trainer.

She is the President and CEO of
HangEnder, our main competitor.

KELLY:
What?

NEAL:
She clearly saw us as a threat,

posed to be your friend,
just to get info about us to try

to take us down!

To think,
I almost slept with her.

Come to think of it,
she was asking

a lot of questions
about your company.

Why the hell you tell her
about our pig feces?

Why are you living
in an apartment with pig feces?

It's stinking up
the entire building.

I think that smell
was Mrs. Billingsly.

What happened
to Mrs. Billingsly?

Honey,

I'm so sorry.
Oh, my God!

I lose two of my best
girlfriends in one day?

I'm gonna punch Ramona
in her lying, flawless face!

Best plan is
to get even.

I have an idea how to do that.

So do I, so what we do is...

(Neal groans)

We all listen to Neal
because I value his ideas.

Really?
Mm-hmm.

Thanks, Coop.
Okay, Kelly, first,

you're gonna take
Ramona out to brunch.

COOPER:
But don't let on that you know

who she really is.

Sorry. You're doing great.

NEAL:
Just pretend like
it's a normal brunch.

KELLY:
And then I punch her
in the face.

NEAL:
No. You make witty
conversation.

So, tell me about all
that personal training

that you definitely
do for a living.
Oh, you know,

lots of burpees,
that sort of thing.
Oh. (laughs)

Will you excuse me? I have to go
to the bathroom really quick.

NEAL:
And then when she's not
paying attention,

you take her computer and pass
it off to Barry in disguise.

Fake mustache
and tuxedo?
No!

Cooper, be supportive.
Yes, Barry,

like that, but, you know,
something better.
Got it.

NEAL:
Barry, you'll go to the kitchen

where you'll find me
and Cooper waiting.

What is he doing here?
I'm meeting Leslie
next door for lunch.

I heard you guys were
hiding in the kitchen.

By the way, it's me, Barry.
I know.

You look like Neil
deGrasse Tyson.
Interesting.

Just like the Milky Way.
COOPER:
Come on, Neal.

Hurry up! Got to get it before
she gets back from the restroom.

She should really
update this thing.

I mean, OS 7?
Total noob.
Neal!

Got the data.
All right. Out.

NEAL:
All we have to do is return it
before Ramona gets back.

Unless Josh's wife comes by,
notices Kelly,

and ruins the entire plan.

Welcome to my life.

Kelly!
Leslie!

I thought I saw you. Hey.

You know what? I'm glad
I'm running into you,

because I feel like
we need to reconnect.

Why is...?
What-what is she doing here?

Leslie, you remember
Ramona, right?

RAMONA:
Hi.
You didn't answer my question.

Please go do something.

I mean, I'm...

I'm gonna meet my husband.

We're gonna go have brunch

next door.
Go.

Socially, you know,

I'm pretty covered.
Hey, babe!

Oh. Hi.
What are you doing here?
I was just

walking by, saw you
ladies chatting it up.

Uh, look at that.
Shoelace is untied.

Dangerous.
There it is.
Yeah.

LESLIE:
So you guys, like,
hang out all the time?

Nope, wasn't untied.

It was actually tied
the whole time.

Thank God.
We should go.
We got a res.

Right, yeah.

Bouncedy-bounce.

Yeah, okay, bye.
Just so you know, 37 followers

on Instagram, so, you
know, super popular.

She doesn't care.
Okay.

NEAL:
And once we successfully

put it back in Ramona's bag...
Bye!

...go through her data,
cancel her orders,

and later, Cooper will call
to contact her clients.

Well, I am sorry
to hear that they canceled,

but we have a vehicle
in the area

which could get our product
to you, uh, within the hour.

(laughs)

All right, thanks so much.
Bye-bye.

Oh, yeah.
Mm. Can you believe it?

Your plan worked.

Yeah, Cooper,
I can believe it.

(like deGrasse Tyson):
Can you believe

that our nearest star,
Alpha Centauri,

is only four light-years away?

Can I just say,
I am really enjoying

your Neil deGrasse Tyson.

It is fun and informative.

You know what else is fun?
The Milky Way.

(laughs)
No, you already
used that one.

Pluto is one-third water.

There he is!

(crowd chatter)

This fancy hotel looks a lot
like a biker bar.

It's like an episode of Sons of
Anarchy that doesn't end well.

BARRY:
I'm pretty sure there is no
episodes of Sons of Anarchy

that ends well.
I'm telling you,
this is the address

listed on Ramona's
work order.
(phone ringing)

This is Cooper.

Hey, Cooper.
This is Ramona Miller.

I'm actually...
COOPER:
The President

and CEO of HangEnder.
I know exactly who...
Who I am?

I know that you know, but here's
something you don't know.

That order you took
from me was a fake.

(scoffs)
What order?
Moron,

give it up. I've been one step
ahead of you this whole time.

You may be easy on the eyes,
but that doesn't

mean that you know how
to run a business.

First rule is, don't ever work
with your friends.

Second rule is shut up.

You're obviously flailing here.

Let me put you out
of your misery and buy
your company from you.

You didn't listen
to the second rule.

(dial tone)
Hmm.

We've been set up.

Let's get out of here
before we get ourselves killed.

Yep.

(shoes squeak)

That was a close one.
(chuckles)

(chuckles)

(gasps)

BARRY: Ooh...

Okay. Hi.
There's so many of you. Okay.

Hi, guys. Hi.
Uh,

okay.

Hey, guys.

What are you doing?

They gonna kill us anyway.

(grunts, groans)

(shouting)

(groaning)

(shouts, grunts)

He's not with us!
Sorry!

My mustache fell off when they
threw me through that window.

Mercury has... Damn!

All my space facts are gone,
Neal!

Okay. Tell me everything.

Did you rub it in
Ramona's face yet?

Uh,
things didn't exactly work out.

Ramona tricked us into going
to a biker bar, and...

Come on, Cooper. Tell everybody
what you're really thinking.

What am I really thinking?
"Uh, the reason I don't listen
to your ideas, Neal, is

"because the one time that I do,
we get outsmarted by a rival

"and thrown through a window.

"Maybe, Neal,
instead of complaining

"that you don't get enough
credit, you should acknowledge

"that I'm the brains
of the operation.

Just sit your nerdy face down
in front of a computer!"

Easy, Cooper.
"And you, you big bastard,

get your ass back in the kitchen
and handle the product!"

You know what, Cooper,
you've gone too far! I'm out!

I hope you're happy.
I didn't even say anything.

Okay, I don't even know
who's yelling at who here,

but we need to focus on Ramona.

So there's no truth
to what I said?

Well, it was your plan.
But...
Oh, my God.

Some words you can't
take back, Cooper!

You have to go after Neal.
Don't you see?

Dividing you guys like this,
this is exactly Ramona's plan.

Okay. I think you're giving her
a little too much credit.

Hey, Neal.
Oh, my God.

I heard you're unhappy
with Cooper.

Mm. Yeah, it's not going well.

You should've heard the things
he said to me.

You know that I think
you're incredibly impressive

and that I value what you do.

Thank you.

What is it that I do?

The viral marketing.
Your Web site.

The entire database
you set up was brilliant.

Your idea for Pajama Tuesdays.

Full disclosure,
I just didn't feel like
wearing clothes that day.

We could really use your skills
at HangEnder. And...

this would be
your starting salary.

I'm sorry,
is this some sort of joke?

I mean, Cooper and I
are best friends.

I'm not gonna let
one little petty f...

(phone rings)
This is HangEnder.

You've reached
Neal Fissley's office.
Oh, Louise?

Can you confirm my
massage will be on a table

and not one of
those airport chairs?

And, uh, I'm out of lollipops,

so... thank you.

I can't let her get away
with taking Neal.

I'll help you get her back,
but it could get ugly.

(a la Sean Connery):
She pulls a knife,
you pull a gun.

She puts one of yours
in the hospital,

you put one of hers
in the morgue.

Oh, I've been dying to use
that line from The Untouchables

since '87. May not
have been worth it.

It's not about revenge, okay?
It's about business.

And if I want to succeed, I got
to beat Ramona at her own game.

(a la Sean Connery):
Well, what are you prepared
to do, Cooper?

That's not helpful.
Welcome to the Rock.

Hello, Ramona.
Hey, Cooper.

If you're looking for a job,
I'm afraid Neal's

already hired an assistant.
That's not why I'm here.

Oh, good, because
the girl who got the job

is way more qualified than you.
If you're done,

I have a little proposal
for you:

you give me Neal back,

and I'll forgive the attack
on my company and I promise

I won't destroy you.

Counterproposal: I keep Neal,

bankrupt your company,
and you come back to my place

and we get rid of
the sexual tension between us.

Interesting idea.

Let me consider/fantasize
about that for a second.

(clears throat)

Not gonna lie, that was amazing.

But I still have to
reject your offer.

That's too bad.
I have lots of mirrors,

and I had a terrible childhood.

Listen, Ramona, you have no idea
what you're up against.

I think
I have a pretty good idea.

You may have Neal,

but I have a better product.

And I still have Barry Sandel.

*
(brakes squeak)

Hi, Barry.
I wanted to discuss...

Look, I know why you're here
and I'm not interested.

But if you could just hear me
out for one second,

I think...
It's my grandmother's sweat
and tears in this cure,

okay? Literally. That's
the two main ingredients.

Look, I know Cooper likes
to hog all the credit

and he called me a big bastard,
but at the end of the day,

we are still friends.

Our break room has
a milkshake machine.

(phone rings)

This is HangEnder.
Barry Sandel's office.

(laughs)
HangEnder rules!

Totally.

Louise!

Why am I seeing the bottom
of my lollipop jar?

Thank you.
COOPER:
All right, Josh,

let's get ugly.

Coyote ugly.

It was on after
The Untouchables.

Weird double feature.

Starz is the best.

All right, let's go.
Yeah.

It's not gonna work.
We should've gone with my plan.
Oh, yeah. Three stink bombs

and a "Ramona
Sucks!" banner.

You know what, we'll do that
right after we TP her house

and leave a bag of poo
on the front step.

I love that. One tweak: fire.

What's going on?

Just whipping up tons
of the cure for Bev Con.

It's a beverage conference.

We already have a better product
and if we can outsell Ramona

at Bev Con, her company
will be destroyed

and our company's rise
will be documented

in the next little-seen
Aaron Sorkin film.

"Our company"? You're the
only one left in your company.
Okay,

I don't need those guys.
I was doing everything anyway.

I can't read
Barry's writing.

Does this say "cinnamon"
or "cyanide"?

You should probably
just assume cinnamon.

Oh, oh, oh. Check it out.
* Dun, dun, dun

Jelly beans.

Oh.

What's in this one?

Gummy worms!

Josh, can we just focus?
I need you to...

chop up 400 onions
and then,

uh, throw half
of them away.

What?
It's Barry's process, so...

Cooper, the reason you got
into this company is so

you could build something
great with your friends.

Maybe you should go
and apologize.

It's too late.

They made their choice.

I came here because Cooper
is too stubborn...

What?!

(shouts):
I came here

because Cooper is too
stubborn to tell you

how much he needs you guys.

And you need him.

I don't need anything
except for my milkshakes

delivered freezing cold!

I'm talking 32 degrees
Fahrenheit, Scottie, okay?

That's Fahrenheit!

Son of a bitch.
Guys,

Ramona doesn't value your ideas.

She just brought you here
to undermine Cooper.

I went and looked
at your offices--

you don't even have computers!

Yeah, 'cause our assistants
take dictation...

of our lunch orders

and our dreams

and cool inventions
that we have.

Hey, Kelly.
Nice to see you.

Oh... (mocking gibberish)

That's the spirit.

Ramona,
Kelly seems to you think

that we're just pawns
and that you actually

don't value our ideas.

That's ridiculous.

Okay, name one of them.

Um...

Like the commercial we did

about the girls in bikinis

talking to girls in bikinis.
Bikini-bikini.

No. That's terrible.

I worked two days on that.
That was cream of the crop.

Okay, fine, you're pawns.

But you're
well-paid pawns

with offices
and assistants.

Kelly.

(mocking gibberish)

Due to recent events,
this milkshake has
become less delicious.

It's still
a free milkshake.

That's true.

You guys are worse than Cooper.
What?!

And he's the worst.

Huh?!
Huh?!

*

NEAL:
Cures your hangover.

BARRY:
Yes, HangEnder ends the hang

in the hangover,
in the hangover.

HangEnder! HangEnder!

Hey, guys.

You're doing great.
Just stay in Cooper's eyeline

and remember...

BOTH:
Don't talk to anybody.

Don't touch anything.

Perfect.

Barry's Grandma's Hangover Cure

is made from an age-old recipe.

Comes straight
from a real grandmother

who used to get hungover
quite a bit, so...

Okay, just, uh...

(people exclaim)

So how many cases
you guys want?

It's... I...

Guys, I'm really going
to need you to step it up.

We're working for free.

And I'm drunk from the
hard lemonade booth.

Would you like brochures?
(speaks indistinctly)

You were right.

I'll be right back.

Hey, guys.
Just, uh, wanted to say

that I should've given you guys
more credit for everything

you did for the company,
and I'm really glad

you guys landed somewhere great.

Cooper, we're kind of
busy right now.

Okay, understood. Just...
just as long as we...

Call Scottie and set up
an appointment.

(quietly):
Okay.

RAMONA:
Everyone. (clears throat)

Welcome, everyone.

As you all know,
hangover cures are becoming

a billion dollar industry,

and we've got the best one
in the business.

My wonderful team
has worked tirelessly

to bring you
this incredible video

that will introduce you
to our brand.

COOPER:
A video?

Oh, come on.

*

ANNOUNCER:
HangEnder was founded
by President

and CEO Ramona Miller in 2011

after a bachelorette party
gone wrong in Las Vegas.

Oh, yeah, they're happy.

HangEnder is made
She looks good.

from only the freshest
and natural ingredients.

Fresh berries, figs,

pubic hair, filth from humans
and pig's poop.

(people exclaiming, groaning)
RAMONA: What? Wait.

What's going on?

Ew!

Ramona Miller does not care
about black people.
RAMONA: No!

I love black people.

What?

Oh, that's not okay.

Turn it off. Turn it off!

NEAL:
And...

(both yell)

Hangover Cures for life.

(whoops)
Move out of the way!

BARRY:
Get out of here.

It's the best.
That's right.

Who came up with that?

What are you talking about?
We did.

Of course you did.

That was a great idea, man.
That was amazing.

All right, let's get
back to work.

Let's get back to work.
All right.

KELLY:
Yay!

COOPER: You guys!
KELLY: Oh, hi. Come on,
come on, come on.

Gather round, gather round.

This has no pubic hair in it.

No poo.

(overlapping chatter)

Hey, guys.

I just wanted you to meet
my new best girlfriend, Renee.

My name is Shawna.

We have tons in common

and we're pretty much
inseparable besties.

Uh, you must be Josh.

LESLIE:
No. No that one. Kelly.

Did you meet Renee?
Look at her.

You're so lucky.
Ramona turned out to be,

like, a ruthless shark,

but she got hers.

So you and Ramona
aren't friends anymore?

You're free to hang out?

Yeah, of course.
Oh, cool.

Renee, I'm going to have
to ask you to leave.

It's Shawna.
Why are you still here?

Girls can be so clingy.

(laughs)

So, working with friends...

It can be hard
but it can be done.

All you have to do
is admit when you're wrong

and more importantly
than anything,

admit when they're right.

And don't let your pig bathe
in your hangover cure.

And maybe don't own a pig.

Ramona.

Are you, uh, here to apply
for the bartender position?

No, I came
to congratulate you guys

on Bev Con and to ask how
you'd feel about joining forces.

Absolutely not.
What?
She's crazy.

Welcome to the Rock.

The bottom line is you guys
have the better product

but you don't have the resources
to get it out there.

I do and I think together
we'd be unstoppable.

What do you say?

I don't know.

I have to ask my partners.

So don't be afraid to team up
with the people

you love the most,
because when it comes to work,

it's always wise to keep
your friends close...

Let's do it.

Good call.

...and your enemies closer.

(crying)

Yeah.

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH