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1
00:00:07,808 --> 00:00:09,638
Thom:
Previously on "Happyish"...
2
00:00:09,677 --> 00:00:10,807
Do you remember
when we first met?
3
00:00:10,844 --> 00:00:12,354
I came in here and I said,
4
00:00:12,380 --> 00:00:14,450
"Hey, Larry Nash,
love your work.
5
00:00:14,482 --> 00:00:16,182
I just started here."
And you know what you said?
6
00:00:16,217 --> 00:00:18,687
- What?
- I'm sorry to hear that.
7
00:00:18,719 --> 00:00:19,789
Come on,
you can't fire Larry.
8
00:00:19,820 --> 00:00:21,290
He's just had a baby.
9
00:00:21,322 --> 00:00:22,822
They're stock photos.
10
00:00:22,856 --> 00:00:25,086
He puts them up
so we don't fire him.
11
00:00:25,126 --> 00:00:26,386
That's genius.
12
00:00:26,427 --> 00:00:28,827
- They moved your office.
- Why?
13
00:00:28,862 --> 00:00:31,132
This is the new
ideation room.
14
00:00:31,165 --> 00:00:33,665
- Lee: An ideation room?
- Thom: An ideation room.
15
00:00:33,701 --> 00:00:35,171
Contemplation corner.
16
00:00:35,203 --> 00:00:36,843
Well, you know,
to be fair,
17
00:00:36,870 --> 00:00:38,470
it helps with
the "au-think-ification."
18
00:00:38,506 --> 00:00:39,636
Ah.
19
00:00:39,673 --> 00:00:41,643
These may be
our enemies abroad.
20
00:00:41,675 --> 00:00:43,275
These are
our enemies at home.
21
00:00:43,311 --> 00:00:46,281
- Parents.
- Fuckin' boomers.
22
00:00:46,314 --> 00:00:48,284
Thom, you feel bad
about every Army assignment.
23
00:00:48,316 --> 00:00:49,746
That's why we love you.
24
00:00:49,783 --> 00:00:51,353
Maybe I should enlist.
25
00:00:51,385 --> 00:00:53,815
I'll bring Julius.
Take your son to war day.
26
00:00:53,854 --> 00:00:55,624
I'm hoping we don't get
that desperate.
27
00:00:55,656 --> 00:00:57,126
( both laugh )
28
00:00:59,793 --> 00:01:00,833
* If you're happy
and you know it *
29
00:01:00,861 --> 00:01:02,661
* Clap your hands
30
00:01:02,696 --> 00:01:05,296
* If you're happy and you
know it, clap your hands *
31
00:01:05,333 --> 00:01:06,773
* If you're
happy and you know it *
32
00:01:06,800 --> 00:01:08,340
* Then motherfucking
show it *
33
00:01:08,369 --> 00:01:09,839
* If you're happy
and you know it *
34
00:01:09,870 --> 00:01:11,440
* Clap your
motherfucking hands *
35
00:01:11,472 --> 00:01:12,612
* If you're happy
and you know it *
36
00:01:12,640 --> 00:01:14,140
* Clap your hands!
37
00:01:14,175 --> 00:01:18,475
( woman screaming )
38
00:01:30,158 --> 00:01:32,288
- ( screaming stops )
- Sorry. ( chuckles )
39
00:01:32,326 --> 00:01:34,856
What's up?
40
00:01:34,895 --> 00:01:37,225
Um...
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00:01:40,768 --> 00:01:43,838
Thom, uh...
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00:01:43,871 --> 00:01:47,341
Larry committed
suicide last night.
43
00:01:47,375 --> 00:01:48,405
What?
44
00:01:48,442 --> 00:01:52,882
I just--
I found out this morning.
45
00:01:52,913 --> 00:01:55,353
Dani sent me an article.
46
00:01:55,383 --> 00:01:59,853
He'd been having
trouble at home, and...
47
00:01:59,887 --> 00:02:01,617
uh, he...
48
00:02:01,655 --> 00:02:02,885
What are you talking about?
49
00:02:02,923 --> 00:02:05,333
He was recently
terminated
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00:02:05,359 --> 00:02:08,699
at his longtime place
of employment.
51
00:02:08,729 --> 00:02:11,869
He had a fight
with his wife.
52
00:02:11,899 --> 00:02:14,369
Debbie: They'd been
having troubles.
53
00:02:14,402 --> 00:02:16,942
Jonathan: And he said
he was gonna kill himself.
54
00:02:16,970 --> 00:02:21,740
He went down in the cellar--
the... propane tanks.
55
00:02:21,775 --> 00:02:22,775
( voice breaking )
His wife and kids
56
00:02:22,810 --> 00:02:24,510
got out just--
just in time.
57
00:02:24,545 --> 00:02:25,905
Jonathan:
Yeah.
58
00:02:25,946 --> 00:02:27,646
And they don't know
if he was trying to--
59
00:02:27,681 --> 00:02:30,581
you know, if he was trying
to kill them too.
60
00:02:30,618 --> 00:02:32,488
( yelps )
61
00:02:32,520 --> 00:02:34,220
( gasps )
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00:02:35,689 --> 00:02:38,489
Thom: The thing about suicide,
I think, is this.
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00:02:38,526 --> 00:02:40,526
We get it.
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00:02:40,561 --> 00:02:42,661
We totally get it.
65
00:02:42,696 --> 00:02:44,666
Ending it,
throwing in the towel.
66
00:02:44,698 --> 00:02:46,398
Fuck it.
Fuck all of it.
67
00:02:46,434 --> 00:02:49,744
We don't condone it.
We don't forgive it.
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00:02:49,770 --> 00:02:52,410
But we totally,
totally get it.
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00:02:52,440 --> 00:02:53,940
( phone dials )
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00:02:53,974 --> 00:02:57,454
( line ringing )
71
00:03:01,282 --> 00:03:03,322
Larry: Hey, this is Larry.
Leave me a message,
72
00:03:03,351 --> 00:03:05,521
and I'll return it as soon
as possible. Thanks.
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00:03:05,553 --> 00:03:06,823
( line beeps )
74
00:03:06,854 --> 00:03:09,824
Hey, Larry.
It's Thom.
75
00:03:09,857 --> 00:03:12,357
Uh, I just
was in the office,
76
00:03:12,393 --> 00:03:16,703
and I-- I heard you killed
yourself last night.
77
00:03:16,730 --> 00:03:18,730
So I just thought I'd call
78
00:03:18,766 --> 00:03:22,566
on behalf
of the office and, uh,
79
00:03:22,603 --> 00:03:24,943
your friends and your family
80
00:03:24,972 --> 00:03:28,282
and your wife
and your kids,
81
00:03:28,309 --> 00:03:30,509
and I thought I'd just
call you and tell you
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00:03:30,544 --> 00:03:33,754
what a piece-of-shit pussy
I think you are.
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00:03:33,781 --> 00:03:39,391
You're a huge, huge fucking
piece-of-shit pussy, Larry.
84
00:03:39,420 --> 00:03:40,450
So fuck you.
85
00:03:40,488 --> 00:03:42,958
Fuck you,
you fucking pussy fuck!
86
00:03:50,063 --> 00:03:54,033
Jonathan: This has been
a tough morning for all of us.
87
00:03:54,067 --> 00:03:56,997
So let's-- let's just
try and get through this
88
00:03:57,037 --> 00:03:58,867
as quickly as possible,
okay?
89
00:03:58,906 --> 00:04:01,036
Yes, let's--
let's dive right in.
90
00:04:01,074 --> 00:04:03,344
Well, it's very simple.
91
00:04:03,377 --> 00:04:05,507
The problem
for the Army is this.
92
00:04:05,546 --> 00:04:08,516
The country is doing well.
93
00:04:08,549 --> 00:04:11,649
The economy goes down,
enlistment goes up.
94
00:04:11,685 --> 00:04:13,345
The economy goes up,
95
00:04:13,387 --> 00:04:16,817
better options,
enlistment tanks.
96
00:04:16,857 --> 00:04:18,627
Yeah, we're having
the same problem
97
00:04:18,659 --> 00:04:20,459
on the frozen pizza
accounts.
98
00:04:20,494 --> 00:04:22,704
Nobody eats that shit
when things are good.
99
00:04:22,730 --> 00:04:23,930
Yeah, fuckin' recovery.
100
00:04:23,964 --> 00:04:27,374
Whole thing is just a plot
to weaken the military.
101
00:04:27,401 --> 00:04:30,071
Guess Obama really is
a secret Muslim.
102
00:04:30,103 --> 00:04:34,013
- Right, Thom?
- What?
103
00:04:34,041 --> 00:04:36,341
Gottfrid: I mean, Michelle,
surely there must be
104
00:04:36,377 --> 00:04:37,807
a recession
around the corner or so.
105
00:04:37,845 --> 00:04:38,945
Michelle:
We should be so lucky.
106
00:04:38,979 --> 00:04:40,909
Unfortunately,
all economic indicators
107
00:04:40,948 --> 00:04:43,818
point to continued growth.
108
00:04:43,851 --> 00:04:48,061
My suggestion...
fear.
109
00:04:48,088 --> 00:04:50,458
The economy
might be getting better,
110
00:04:50,491 --> 00:04:53,761
but the world is
as dangerous as it ever was.
111
00:04:53,794 --> 00:04:55,904
Don't let the numbers
fool you.
112
00:04:55,929 --> 00:04:57,569
We need to remind people
of this.
113
00:04:57,598 --> 00:04:59,528
We need to say it's not over.
114
00:04:59,567 --> 00:05:01,637
Not by a long shot.
115
00:05:01,669 --> 00:05:03,639
- Thom: The boogeyman.
- Exactly.
116
00:05:03,671 --> 00:05:04,811
McCarthyism.
117
00:05:04,838 --> 00:05:06,568
Yeah, it worked
for McCarthy.
118
00:05:06,607 --> 00:05:08,777
We had red scare.
119
00:05:08,809 --> 00:05:11,409
We had
yellow peril.
120
00:05:11,445 --> 00:05:15,675
Welcome to the new
"turban dread."
121
00:05:16,984 --> 00:05:19,024
- I like that.
- Debbie: Yeah.
122
00:05:19,052 --> 00:05:21,462
Fear is effective
in any economy.
123
00:05:23,023 --> 00:05:25,133
But doesn't it
need a color?
124
00:05:25,158 --> 00:05:27,728
You know, red scare,
yellow menace.
125
00:05:27,761 --> 00:05:29,631
What about
something with sand?
126
00:05:29,663 --> 00:05:30,803
Like, uh--
like the desert.
127
00:05:30,831 --> 00:05:33,631
Sand... band.
Sand brand?
128
00:05:33,667 --> 00:05:35,597
What about something
with Muhammad?
129
00:05:35,636 --> 00:05:37,136
Thom?
130
00:05:37,170 --> 00:05:41,040
Like, uh,
"Even mo' Hammad"?
131
00:05:41,074 --> 00:05:43,084
Tracey:
They want a color, Mikal.
132
00:05:43,110 --> 00:05:44,810
Ooh.
Harem scare 'em.
133
00:05:44,845 --> 00:05:46,075
How is that a color?
134
00:05:46,113 --> 00:05:47,953
What about the color
of their turbans? White?
135
00:05:47,981 --> 00:05:51,121
Oh, yeah. What about
"white fright"?
136
00:05:51,151 --> 00:05:53,391
- That's good.
- Yeah, I like "white fright."
137
00:05:53,421 --> 00:05:55,461
It sounds too much
like "white flight."
138
00:05:55,489 --> 00:05:57,529
I think "turban dread"
is more specific.
139
00:05:57,558 --> 00:05:59,558
What about
"tough Shiite"?
140
00:05:59,593 --> 00:06:01,463
"Sunni Tunes"?
141
00:06:03,897 --> 00:06:05,897
Announcer:
Amazing inventions.
142
00:06:05,933 --> 00:06:07,903
Incredible products.
143
00:06:07,935 --> 00:06:10,535
Welcome to
another episode of...
144
00:06:10,571 --> 00:06:14,781
"I'll Take Two"
with your host Jimmy Zales.
145
00:06:14,808 --> 00:06:17,408
( cheers and applause )
146
00:06:17,445 --> 00:06:20,545
( audience chanting )
I'll take two! I'll take two!
147
00:06:23,083 --> 00:06:28,163
( with Southern accent )
Okay.
148
00:06:28,188 --> 00:06:29,488
Depression.
149
00:06:29,523 --> 00:06:31,493
( audience groans
enthusiastically )
150
00:06:31,525 --> 00:06:32,625
Anxiety.
151
00:06:32,660 --> 00:06:34,130
( audience boos )
152
00:06:34,161 --> 00:06:35,601
Doubt.
153
00:06:35,629 --> 00:06:39,069
That creepy sensation
that life is meaningless
154
00:06:39,099 --> 00:06:41,599
- and destined to fail you.
- ( audience groans )
155
00:06:41,635 --> 00:06:44,765
You know, for centuries,
mankind has struggled
156
00:06:44,805 --> 00:06:46,465
to try and find solutions
to these problems.
157
00:06:46,507 --> 00:06:50,037
But, ladies and gentlemen,
today we have one.
158
00:06:50,077 --> 00:06:52,177
I give you the world's first
159
00:06:52,212 --> 00:06:55,182
do-it-yourself-at-home
lobotomy kit.
160
00:06:55,215 --> 00:06:57,075
( cheering )
161
00:07:00,153 --> 00:07:04,763
Now, the problem is not
disease or war or anxiety.
162
00:07:04,792 --> 00:07:06,992
The problem is our brain.
163
00:07:07,027 --> 00:07:08,797
( audience boos )
164
00:07:08,829 --> 00:07:11,629
Specifically,
the prefrontal cortex.
165
00:07:11,665 --> 00:07:12,825
( audience boos )
166
00:07:12,866 --> 00:07:14,736
Now, about 50 years ago,
167
00:07:14,768 --> 00:07:18,108
a real smart guy called
Dr. Antonio Moniz,
168
00:07:18,138 --> 00:07:20,768
uh, clever
little Portuguese guy.
169
00:07:20,808 --> 00:07:24,208
He wondered what would happen
170
00:07:24,244 --> 00:07:27,624
if we got rid
of that horrible cortex.
171
00:07:27,648 --> 00:07:28,948
Wouldn't people be happier?
172
00:07:28,982 --> 00:07:30,822
( audience
shouts in agreement )
173
00:07:30,851 --> 00:07:32,851
And the answer is yes.
174
00:07:32,886 --> 00:07:35,116
( cheering )
175
00:07:35,155 --> 00:07:37,755
Now, I know some of you guys
are thinking,
176
00:07:37,791 --> 00:07:39,861
"Hey, Jimmy, that sounds
a little crazy."
177
00:07:39,893 --> 00:07:41,703
You know how crazy that is?
178
00:07:41,729 --> 00:07:43,999
You know what they gave
Dr. Moniz?
179
00:07:44,031 --> 00:07:45,171
Audience members:
What?
180
00:07:45,198 --> 00:07:46,668
You know what they gave
that little guy?
181
00:07:46,700 --> 00:07:47,870
Audience:
What?
182
00:07:47,901 --> 00:07:49,801
The Nobel Prize!
183
00:07:49,837 --> 00:07:51,967
( cheers and applause )
184
00:07:52,005 --> 00:07:53,865
That's right.
For this.
185
00:07:53,907 --> 00:07:57,007
( audience chanting )
I'll take two! I'll take two!
186
00:07:59,880 --> 00:08:02,850
Gottfrid: I'll tell you
what the Army needs to do.
187
00:08:02,883 --> 00:08:05,223
Have you seen
that yogurt video?
188
00:08:05,252 --> 00:08:07,122
The one with, uh--
with the bear.
189
00:08:07,154 --> 00:08:08,124
Chobani.
190
00:08:08,155 --> 00:08:09,615
Mm,
I thought it was Dannon.
191
00:08:09,657 --> 00:08:10,987
The one with the bear
on the street?
192
00:08:11,024 --> 00:08:12,294
- That was Yoplait.
- Gottfrid: Yeah.
193
00:08:12,325 --> 00:08:14,125
- Chobani.
- Are you sure?
194
00:08:14,161 --> 00:08:15,761
- Anyways, have you seen it?
- Debbie: Yeah.
195
00:08:15,796 --> 00:08:16,996
No, I have not.
196
00:08:17,030 --> 00:08:18,800
Okay, so their whole
marketing strategy
197
00:08:18,832 --> 00:08:21,572
is natural ingredients.
Typical, yeah?
198
00:08:21,602 --> 00:08:23,242
The TV campaign, average.
199
00:08:23,270 --> 00:08:25,140
So they have the bear
walk into the store
200
00:08:25,172 --> 00:08:26,772
looking for
the natural ingredients
201
00:08:26,807 --> 00:08:28,107
and they give him the yogurt.
202
00:08:28,141 --> 00:08:30,141
Whatever. It's not winning
any One Show awards.
203
00:08:30,177 --> 00:08:33,147
But the digital campaign
is fantastic.
204
00:08:33,180 --> 00:08:36,850
They set up all these little
hidden cameras everywhere,
205
00:08:36,884 --> 00:08:39,024
and they put a guy
inside of a crazy,
206
00:08:39,052 --> 00:08:41,222
realistic
grizzly bear suit.
207
00:08:41,254 --> 00:08:44,164
Yeah, some sort of
a robotic sort of thing.
208
00:08:44,191 --> 00:08:49,701
And they let him loose on
the streets of New York, yeah?
209
00:08:49,730 --> 00:08:52,030
People are freaking out.
210
00:08:52,065 --> 00:08:55,865
Video went viral overnight.
211
00:08:55,903 --> 00:09:00,243
Viral.
So we're viruses now, right?
212
00:09:00,273 --> 00:09:02,613
That bother anybody else?
213
00:09:02,643 --> 00:09:04,313
They call it
prank-vertising.
214
00:09:04,344 --> 00:09:05,684
It's ridiculous.
215
00:09:05,713 --> 00:09:07,053
It's immersive
product engagement.
216
00:09:07,080 --> 00:09:08,780
Regardless,
the Chobani video
217
00:09:08,816 --> 00:09:12,986
got over 4 million
YouTube hits, okay?
218
00:09:13,020 --> 00:09:15,790
30,000 social shares.
219
00:09:15,823 --> 00:09:16,793
I mean,
did you see the LG one?
220
00:09:16,824 --> 00:09:18,334
That one was really cool.
221
00:09:18,358 --> 00:09:21,798
They do a film of a comet
hitting the city center,
222
00:09:21,829 --> 00:09:23,329
and the screen
is so realistic
223
00:09:23,363 --> 00:09:26,373
that people think, like,
doomsday is happening.
224
00:09:26,399 --> 00:09:27,999
You should see that,
Jonathan.
225
00:09:28,035 --> 00:09:30,765
It's-- it's funny,
but it's dead-on strategy.
226
00:09:30,804 --> 00:09:32,274
I mean,
17 million YouTube views.
227
00:09:32,305 --> 00:09:34,705
Last time I checked,
over a million social shares.
228
00:09:34,742 --> 00:09:36,812
What does this have to do
with the Army?
229
00:09:36,844 --> 00:09:38,814
Michelle was talking
about fear.
230
00:09:38,846 --> 00:09:42,046
Now, you can tell someone
to be afraid of a bear.
231
00:09:42,082 --> 00:09:44,282
You can tell them
how dangerous they are.
232
00:09:44,317 --> 00:09:46,087
And maybe they believe you
and maybe they don't.
233
00:09:46,119 --> 00:09:48,259
But you put a bear
in the streets,
234
00:09:48,288 --> 00:09:52,828
you don't have to convince
them of anything, okay?
235
00:09:52,860 --> 00:09:56,830
So, what
if we took a town, hmm?
236
00:09:56,864 --> 00:09:59,674
Middle of the country.
237
00:09:59,700 --> 00:10:01,940
Heartland.
Yeah?
238
00:10:01,969 --> 00:10:03,839
Thom, this is your account.
239
00:10:03,871 --> 00:10:05,241
You tell us where.
240
00:10:05,272 --> 00:10:07,242
And we pick a day.
241
00:10:07,274 --> 00:10:09,884
Yeah. Easter.
When Jesus was born.
242
00:10:09,910 --> 00:10:12,680
That's when Jesus
rose from the dead.
243
00:10:12,713 --> 00:10:15,683
Even better. Even better.
244
00:10:17,685 --> 00:10:20,845
And so everyone is coming out
of the churches, yeah?
245
00:10:20,888 --> 00:10:22,718
And they're on their way
to baseball games
246
00:10:22,756 --> 00:10:27,326
and barbecues
and apple pie, yeah?
247
00:10:27,360 --> 00:10:29,000
Then, all of a sudden,
248
00:10:29,029 --> 00:10:31,199
a bunch of Muslim terrorists
249
00:10:31,231 --> 00:10:34,701
go running right into
the church's parking lot.
250
00:10:34,735 --> 00:10:36,265
( screaming )
251
00:10:36,303 --> 00:10:37,973
Gottfrid: Two or three,
you know, pickup trucks
252
00:10:38,005 --> 00:10:39,765
full of militants,
253
00:10:39,807 --> 00:10:41,267
and they're shooting
their AKs in the air
254
00:10:41,308 --> 00:10:43,878
- and yelling in Arabic.
- ( yelling in Arabic )
255
00:10:43,911 --> 00:10:46,911
Gottfrid: Imagine it--
the look of terror
256
00:10:46,947 --> 00:10:48,417
on all the villagers' faces.
257
00:10:48,448 --> 00:10:50,148
Some of them scream
and some of them are running
258
00:10:50,183 --> 00:10:52,753
and some of them
just throw their hands up
259
00:10:52,786 --> 00:10:54,046
and they surrender
and they just--
260
00:10:54,087 --> 00:10:55,757
they don't
know what to do.
261
00:10:55,789 --> 00:10:57,259
Some of them
are calling for their kids
262
00:10:57,290 --> 00:10:59,790
and calling for help,
and they're screaming.
263
00:10:59,827 --> 00:11:04,397
Then we cut right up
to the leader.
264
00:11:04,431 --> 00:11:06,871
Creepy little smile.
265
00:11:06,900 --> 00:11:09,000
And then the title comes up,
and it goes,
266
00:11:09,036 --> 00:11:11,436
"This isn't over.
267
00:11:11,471 --> 00:11:14,881
Stay strong. Army strong."
268
00:11:14,908 --> 00:11:17,208
I mean, Thom,
you can work on the line,
269
00:11:17,244 --> 00:11:19,884
but the video'll go viral
overnight.
270
00:11:19,913 --> 00:11:21,313
Guaranteed it blows up
the Internet.
271
00:11:21,348 --> 00:11:25,088
And we'll double
the enlistment numbers
272
00:11:25,118 --> 00:11:27,788
of any month
in the past three years.
273
00:11:27,821 --> 00:11:33,291
That is wrong on every
moral and ethical level
274
00:11:33,326 --> 00:11:34,386
I can think of.
275
00:11:34,427 --> 00:11:36,427
Thank you.
276
00:11:36,463 --> 00:11:40,803
But Christ Almighty,
it would work like gangbusters.
277
00:11:40,834 --> 00:11:42,774
( snorts )
Hell, I'd enlist.
278
00:11:42,803 --> 00:11:44,043
( all chuckle )
279
00:11:44,071 --> 00:11:45,871
Thom, you know
the general better than--
280
00:11:45,906 --> 00:11:47,266
( glass breaks )
281
00:11:47,307 --> 00:11:49,077
Jonathan:
God damn it.
282
00:11:49,109 --> 00:11:51,239
Jesus.
283
00:11:54,247 --> 00:11:55,377
( sighs )
284
00:11:55,415 --> 00:11:57,785
When is the Army meeting?
285
00:11:57,818 --> 00:12:00,288
An hour.
286
00:12:00,320 --> 00:12:02,360
Fuck you, Larry.
287
00:12:42,029 --> 00:12:43,899
You're not
quitting your job, Thom.
288
00:12:43,931 --> 00:12:46,401
I am. I have to.
289
00:12:46,433 --> 00:12:48,143
Fine, honey, maybe you will,
290
00:12:48,168 --> 00:12:50,138
but now is not the time
to consider it
291
00:12:50,170 --> 00:12:52,810
when Larry just
fucking killed himself.
292
00:12:52,840 --> 00:12:53,910
Maybe it is, Lee.
293
00:12:53,941 --> 00:12:56,181
Maybe this
is the best time.
294
00:12:56,209 --> 00:12:58,579
No, it's not.
295
00:12:58,611 --> 00:13:00,911
Do you know what I thought
the second that you told me?
296
00:13:00,948 --> 00:13:04,918
I thought, "I'm taking
Julius to Hebrew school."
297
00:13:04,952 --> 00:13:06,222
Lee, come on.
298
00:13:06,253 --> 00:13:08,563
Death fucks
with our heads, Thom.
299
00:13:08,588 --> 00:13:10,058
I mean, I thought,
300
00:13:10,090 --> 00:13:12,160
"Maybe he should learn
about his past.
301
00:13:12,192 --> 00:13:15,162
Maybe he should know
about his traditions.
302
00:13:15,195 --> 00:13:17,995
Maybe I should give him
something of meaning,
303
00:13:18,031 --> 00:13:22,571
something spiritual,
something fuckin' holy,
304
00:13:22,602 --> 00:13:23,972
for fuck's sake.
305
00:13:24,004 --> 00:13:26,414
Or maybe, I don't know,
quit my job."
306
00:13:26,439 --> 00:13:29,179
You know what Larry
told me
307
00:13:29,209 --> 00:13:32,249
when we first met
20 years ago?
308
00:13:32,279 --> 00:13:34,309
He said, "If I'm still
in advertising when I'm 40,
309
00:13:34,347 --> 00:13:35,577
do me a favor.
310
00:13:35,615 --> 00:13:38,315
Come find me and blow
my fucking brains out."
311
00:13:38,351 --> 00:13:40,391
Hey, you can't sit here.
312
00:13:40,420 --> 00:13:41,550
Why not?
313
00:13:41,588 --> 00:13:44,488
Can't sit here.
314
00:13:44,524 --> 00:13:46,294
I guess he just decided,
you know,
315
00:13:46,326 --> 00:13:47,456
not to wait for me.
316
00:13:47,494 --> 00:13:49,064
Thom,
Larry did not kill himself
317
00:13:49,096 --> 00:13:50,956
because he was
in advertising.
318
00:13:50,998 --> 00:13:53,028
If anything, he killed himself
because he wasn't.
319
00:13:53,066 --> 00:13:55,866
I can't spend my whole life
like this, Lee. I can't.
320
00:13:55,903 --> 00:13:57,203
Let's go, pal.
Move it.
321
00:13:57,237 --> 00:13:59,537
Welcome one another
as Christ welcomed you.
322
00:13:59,572 --> 00:14:02,482
- That's Romans 15.
- Thom, who you talking to?
323
00:14:02,509 --> 00:14:05,179
This guard's trying to throw me
off the goddamn church steps.
324
00:14:05,212 --> 00:14:08,222
Okay, just go, Thom.
Don't make it any worse.
325
00:14:08,248 --> 00:14:10,618
I have to write, Lee.
I have to make a change.
326
00:14:10,650 --> 00:14:11,890
I'm not gonna ask you again.
327
00:14:11,919 --> 00:14:13,449
All right. Okay.
Can I stand?
328
00:14:13,486 --> 00:14:15,016
- Is it okay if I just stand?
- You can stand where you like.
329
00:14:15,055 --> 00:14:17,015
Thank you.
God, that new Pope's
330
00:14:17,057 --> 00:14:18,587
really loosening
things up, isn't he?
331
00:14:18,625 --> 00:14:21,155
Lee:
Thom. Thom?
332
00:14:21,194 --> 00:14:22,334
Yes.
333
00:14:22,362 --> 00:14:24,002
Thom, just come home.
334
00:14:24,031 --> 00:14:26,071
I can't.
I'm seeing Dani.
335
00:14:26,099 --> 00:14:29,339
Thom,
this is Larry's tragedy.
336
00:14:29,369 --> 00:14:30,969
It's not yours.
337
00:14:31,004 --> 00:14:32,944
Don't make it your tragedy.
338
00:14:35,208 --> 00:14:36,978
Jonathan:
Did you try his cell phone?
339
00:14:37,010 --> 00:14:37,810
Twice.
340
00:14:37,844 --> 00:14:39,514
- Did you text him?
- Three times.
341
00:14:39,546 --> 00:14:41,206
Fuck.
342
00:14:43,116 --> 00:14:44,246
Go down and wait for him
in the lobby.
343
00:14:44,284 --> 00:14:45,394
Got it.
344
00:14:45,418 --> 00:14:47,448
When he gets here, tell him
to get his melodramatic ass
345
00:14:47,487 --> 00:14:49,117
into the motherfucking
Army meeting.
346
00:14:50,557 --> 00:14:53,187
General.
How are you, sir?
347
00:14:53,226 --> 00:14:54,556
- Good, good. How are you?
- Good to see you.
348
00:14:54,594 --> 00:14:56,134
Dani:
You're not quitting, Thom.
349
00:14:56,163 --> 00:14:57,463
I am. I am.
350
00:14:57,497 --> 00:14:59,197
I can't do this anymore.
351
00:14:59,232 --> 00:15:03,272
I have to. You've gotta
find me something else.
352
00:15:03,303 --> 00:15:05,413
"Here lies Thom Payne.
353
00:15:05,438 --> 00:15:07,408
Wrote some
Army commercials."
354
00:15:07,440 --> 00:15:09,540
"Provided for
his wife and son."
355
00:15:09,576 --> 00:15:11,706
"Wrote taglines
instead of novels."
356
00:15:11,744 --> 00:15:14,284
"Put his family's needs
before his own."
357
00:15:14,314 --> 00:15:18,224
"Lived, ate shit, died."
358
00:15:18,251 --> 00:15:19,151
What does Lee think?
359
00:15:19,186 --> 00:15:20,946
Why do you always wanna know
what Lee thinks?
360
00:15:20,988 --> 00:15:23,088
Because she's smarter
than you are.
361
00:15:26,626 --> 00:15:29,496
Thom, Larry did not
kill himself
362
00:15:29,529 --> 00:15:31,299
because he worked
in advertising.
363
00:15:31,331 --> 00:15:36,101
He killed himself
because he is a fucking coward.
364
00:15:36,136 --> 00:15:40,106
And probably because he
no longer worked in advertising.
365
00:15:42,075 --> 00:15:43,705
I keep thinking about God.
366
00:15:43,743 --> 00:15:45,183
Is he hiring?
367
00:15:45,212 --> 00:15:49,982
Oh, not me.
I'm a fallen Catholic.
368
00:15:50,017 --> 00:15:51,717
You know,
God hates suicide.
369
00:15:51,751 --> 00:15:55,191
Do you know why?
Because he's a control freak.
370
00:15:55,222 --> 00:15:58,732
Because he gets to decide
who dies and when.
371
00:15:58,758 --> 00:16:00,458
That's part of the fun
of being God.
372
00:16:00,493 --> 00:16:02,133
He creates these creatures
373
00:16:02,162 --> 00:16:04,102
and-- and gets
to push 'em around,
374
00:16:04,131 --> 00:16:05,731
but then one day
the creatures realize,
375
00:16:05,765 --> 00:16:07,425
"Hey, we can
kill ourselves.
376
00:16:07,467 --> 00:16:10,337
We can check out of this
shitty hotel any time we like,"
377
00:16:10,370 --> 00:16:12,110
and that drives God crazy.
378
00:16:12,139 --> 00:16:15,339
He's a classic
type-A personality.
379
00:16:15,375 --> 00:16:16,635
That's what I'm saying.
380
00:16:16,676 --> 00:16:21,206
See, I find believing
in God comforting.
381
00:16:21,248 --> 00:16:23,378
Believing in God?
You don't believe in anything.
382
00:16:23,416 --> 00:16:26,216
Well, not a good God.
A bad God.
383
00:16:26,253 --> 00:16:29,293
Do you remember
the watchmaker's analogy?
384
00:16:29,322 --> 00:16:30,762
Remind me.
385
00:16:30,790 --> 00:16:32,760
It's that
teleological bullshit
386
00:16:32,792 --> 00:16:34,562
they used
to teach us in school
387
00:16:34,594 --> 00:16:36,704
where you're walking
through a desert
388
00:16:36,729 --> 00:16:38,169
and you see
a watch in the sand,
389
00:16:38,198 --> 00:16:40,098
and it has all
these intricate gears
390
00:16:40,133 --> 00:16:41,703
and shifts and
beautiful engraving...
391
00:16:41,734 --> 00:16:44,604
And anything that, uh,
beautiful and perfect
392
00:16:44,637 --> 00:16:46,107
must have been built
by somebody.
393
00:16:46,139 --> 00:16:47,709
Yes. And this makes
you feel better?
394
00:16:47,740 --> 00:16:48,710
Do you want another round?
395
00:16:48,741 --> 00:16:52,581
Uh, yeah. Fuck it.
396
00:16:52,612 --> 00:16:55,622
I believe in
the Swatch-maker analogy.
397
00:16:55,648 --> 00:16:58,648
Something this shitty
and cheap and ugly
398
00:16:58,685 --> 00:17:01,045
could not possibly
be an accident.
399
00:17:01,088 --> 00:17:02,488
Shit this bad
doesn't just happen.
400
00:17:02,522 --> 00:17:04,092
Nope. Not at all.
401
00:17:04,124 --> 00:17:06,834
Somebody had to unintelligently
design this pile of crap.
402
00:17:06,859 --> 00:17:09,359
( laughs )
403
00:17:11,198 --> 00:17:14,228
Woman: Okay, kids.
Who's ready to sing?
404
00:17:14,267 --> 00:17:15,537
Here we go.
405
00:17:15,568 --> 00:17:17,338
All:
* We obey His rules
406
00:17:17,370 --> 00:17:19,240
* He's a powerful God
407
00:17:19,272 --> 00:17:22,142
* When God says jump,
we say how high... *
408
00:17:22,175 --> 00:17:24,135
Very good!
409
00:17:24,177 --> 00:17:26,707
- I wanna go.
- All right, soon, buddy.
410
00:17:26,746 --> 00:17:29,146
Why are they wearing
those hats?
411
00:17:29,182 --> 00:17:31,252
Oh, those are called
yarmulkes.
412
00:17:31,284 --> 00:17:33,094
That's what Jews wear.
413
00:17:33,120 --> 00:17:34,520
Am I a Jew?
414
00:17:34,554 --> 00:17:37,094
Yeah, you are.
So am I.
415
00:17:37,124 --> 00:17:38,564
Is Dad a Jew?
416
00:17:38,591 --> 00:17:41,291
Uh, no.
417
00:17:41,328 --> 00:17:42,658
He's lucky.
418
00:17:42,695 --> 00:17:46,195
* Don't watch TV
or smoke cigars... *
419
00:17:46,233 --> 00:17:49,273
- I wanna go.
- Okay, soon. Soon.
420
00:17:49,302 --> 00:17:51,242
* Shabbos is the day
we pray... *
421
00:17:51,271 --> 00:17:52,841
What's Shabbos?
422
00:17:52,872 --> 00:17:55,512
Oh, that--
that means "Saturday."
423
00:17:55,542 --> 00:17:57,582
They sure like Saturday.
424
00:17:57,610 --> 00:18:00,650
Well, yeah. Who doesn't?
Saturdays are awesome.
425
00:18:00,680 --> 00:18:03,380
Great job. Give yourselves
a round of applause.
426
00:18:03,416 --> 00:18:05,546
Did you have a good time?
427
00:18:05,585 --> 00:18:06,785
Children:
Yes.
428
00:18:06,819 --> 00:18:10,219
And who do we thank
when we had a good time?
429
00:18:10,257 --> 00:18:11,717
- Children: God.
- Why?
430
00:18:11,758 --> 00:18:13,458
'Cause he's the ruler
of the universe?
431
00:18:13,493 --> 00:18:14,663
Well, that's debatable.
432
00:18:14,694 --> 00:18:16,734
And why did he give us
a good time?
433
00:18:16,763 --> 00:18:19,533
Because we obeyed
his commandments?
434
00:18:19,566 --> 00:18:21,196
- That's exactly right.
- That's not true.
435
00:18:21,234 --> 00:18:22,574
Woman: All right, I think
it's time for a little
436
00:18:22,602 --> 00:18:25,212
"Hashem is Here," okay?
437
00:18:25,238 --> 00:18:28,738
* Hashem is here,
Hashem is there... *
438
00:18:28,775 --> 00:18:31,905
- Who's Hashem?
- That's Hebrew for "God."
439
00:18:31,944 --> 00:18:33,654
What's God?
440
00:18:33,680 --> 00:18:37,220
Ugh...
I'll explain it later.
441
00:18:37,250 --> 00:18:38,720
He sounds strict.
442
00:18:38,751 --> 00:18:41,351
Well, you know,
He runs a tight ship.
443
00:18:41,388 --> 00:18:45,428
How can Hashem
be everywhere?
444
00:18:45,458 --> 00:18:48,498
I don't know.
445
00:18:48,528 --> 00:18:51,598
Is he here now?
446
00:18:51,631 --> 00:18:54,301
Uh, I guess so.
447
00:18:54,334 --> 00:18:56,374
Is he there when I sleep?
448
00:18:56,403 --> 00:18:59,773
( sighs ) You know, why don't
we talk about it in the car?
449
00:18:59,806 --> 00:19:01,506
Let's go.
450
00:19:01,541 --> 00:19:03,411
Is he there when I poop?
451
00:19:03,443 --> 00:19:07,653
Okay, shh.
Go, go, go, go, go.
452
00:19:07,680 --> 00:19:10,550
* Hashem is here,
Hashem is there *
453
00:19:10,583 --> 00:19:14,393
* Hashem is truly
everywhere... *
454
00:19:14,421 --> 00:19:16,291
Can I take a cookie?
455
00:19:16,323 --> 00:19:18,393
- Mm.
- Please.
456
00:19:18,425 --> 00:19:19,955
Okay, but just one.
457
00:19:19,992 --> 00:19:21,332
This is how
they get you, you know.
458
00:19:21,361 --> 00:19:22,601
It's a gateway cookie.
459
00:19:22,629 --> 00:19:24,799
Pretty soon you're gonna
be asking for a tallis.
460
00:19:24,831 --> 00:19:27,231
- What's a tallis?
- Oh, it's like a cape.
461
00:19:27,267 --> 00:19:28,837
Well, I want a cape.
462
00:19:28,868 --> 00:19:30,898
Well, you're not
getting a cape. Go.
463
00:19:33,440 --> 00:19:34,940
( phone ringing )
464
00:19:34,974 --> 00:19:37,644
General:
Is this some kind of joke?
465
00:19:37,677 --> 00:19:39,777
We know it's out of the box
for you guys,
466
00:19:39,812 --> 00:19:41,652
but immersive product
engagement
467
00:19:41,681 --> 00:19:44,681
can really move the needle.
Worked wonders for Chobani.
468
00:19:44,717 --> 00:19:45,917
Where's Thom?
469
00:19:45,952 --> 00:19:47,552
Uh, Thom actually
got called away.
470
00:19:47,587 --> 00:19:48,817
Did he approve this?
471
00:19:48,855 --> 00:19:50,815
General,
your numbers are down.
472
00:19:50,857 --> 00:19:52,657
And they're going
to continue to go down
473
00:19:52,692 --> 00:19:53,992
unless you do something
memorable--
474
00:19:54,026 --> 00:19:55,556
General: Son,
are you really proposing
475
00:19:55,595 --> 00:19:56,895
that we send
a team of actors
476
00:19:56,929 --> 00:19:58,569
into an American
small town
477
00:19:58,598 --> 00:19:59,968
and pretend
it's a terrorist takeover?
478
00:19:59,999 --> 00:20:01,329
Yes.
479
00:20:01,368 --> 00:20:03,898
This is just
one idea, obviously.
480
00:20:03,936 --> 00:20:05,306
You folks are aware,
are you not,
481
00:20:05,338 --> 00:20:06,708
that America
has the highest
482
00:20:06,739 --> 00:20:09,709
gun per capita ratio
of any nation in the world?
483
00:20:09,742 --> 00:20:12,312
There's 300 million
guns out there.
484
00:20:12,345 --> 00:20:13,905
The second closest
is Serbia.
485
00:20:13,946 --> 00:20:16,446
We are aware of that,
General.
486
00:20:16,483 --> 00:20:18,023
We think
that gun-ownership number
487
00:20:18,050 --> 00:20:21,520
reflects a unique
paranoia opportunity
488
00:20:21,554 --> 00:20:24,464
that a staged
terrorist takeover
489
00:20:24,491 --> 00:20:26,431
can play really well into.
490
00:20:27,627 --> 00:20:30,327
The Army is not yogurt.
491
00:20:30,363 --> 00:20:31,963
We don't engage in pranks.
492
00:20:31,998 --> 00:20:33,898
And while we can debate
whether or not
493
00:20:33,933 --> 00:20:36,603
gun ownership
indicates paranoia,
494
00:20:36,636 --> 00:20:38,706
there's no doubt that
what it does indicate
495
00:20:38,738 --> 00:20:41,668
is the very heavy
presence of guns.
496
00:20:41,708 --> 00:20:43,608
I don't know what it's like
where you're from, son,
497
00:20:43,643 --> 00:20:45,483
but you take
a handful of actors,
498
00:20:45,512 --> 00:20:46,812
dress them up like
Islamic terrorists,
499
00:20:46,846 --> 00:20:49,046
and drive them into the middle
of small-town America,
500
00:20:49,081 --> 00:20:52,051
I can assure you of one
thing and one thing only.
501
00:20:52,084 --> 00:20:55,024
There will be so many
bullet holes in those actors,
502
00:20:55,054 --> 00:20:57,394
their own mothers
won't recognize them.
503
00:21:05,432 --> 00:21:07,432
Fuck you, Larry.
504
00:21:07,467 --> 00:21:08,867
Thom: I'll call them.
505
00:21:08,901 --> 00:21:11,371
Yeah, you're goddamn right
you're gonna call 'em.
506
00:21:11,404 --> 00:21:13,014
I was with Dani.
507
00:21:13,039 --> 00:21:14,339
Oh, fuck you, Thom.
508
00:21:14,374 --> 00:21:15,784
I don't care if
you were with God.
509
00:21:15,808 --> 00:21:18,038
If you wanna quit, quit.
510
00:21:18,077 --> 00:21:19,647
Don't take me down with you.
511
00:21:19,679 --> 00:21:21,909
I am killing myself
keeping the Swedes off you.
512
00:21:21,948 --> 00:21:23,648
I am protecting you
at every turn.
513
00:21:23,683 --> 00:21:25,823
The Army is your biggest
goddamn account.
514
00:21:25,852 --> 00:21:29,292
You're gonna fuck around?
Come on.
515
00:21:31,524 --> 00:21:33,664
I can't
do this anymore, Jon.
516
00:21:33,693 --> 00:21:37,663
I can't. It's--
it's always been sick,
517
00:21:37,697 --> 00:21:42,067
but lately
it's just gotten viral.
518
00:21:42,101 --> 00:21:44,641
It's a job, Thom.
519
00:21:44,671 --> 00:21:47,041
It's supposed to suck.
520
00:21:50,510 --> 00:21:52,550
The cavemen
didn't like hunting,
521
00:21:52,579 --> 00:21:54,709
but they did it
to stay alive.
522
00:21:54,747 --> 00:21:58,547
The lion doesn't like
chasing the gazelle,
523
00:21:58,585 --> 00:22:01,415
but he does it every day.
524
00:22:01,454 --> 00:22:02,794
And I'll tell you
something else.
525
00:22:02,822 --> 00:22:04,492
The day
the lion asks himself
526
00:22:04,524 --> 00:22:07,464
if he's right
to kill the gazelle
527
00:22:07,494 --> 00:22:09,434
is the day the lion dies.
528
00:22:09,462 --> 00:22:12,002
Make it right
with the general today.
529
00:22:20,473 --> 00:22:22,113
I was sorry to hear
about Larry, Thom.
530
00:22:22,141 --> 00:22:23,711
Yeah. Yeah, me too.
531
00:22:23,743 --> 00:22:26,653
We had a saying during
Operation Iraq Freedom, right?
532
00:22:26,679 --> 00:22:28,919
Embrace the suck.
533
00:22:28,948 --> 00:22:30,418
( both chuckle )
534
00:22:30,450 --> 00:22:31,980
Yeah, you'd see it
written sometimes,
535
00:22:32,018 --> 00:22:35,388
"ETS," on walls, on boots.
536
00:22:35,422 --> 00:22:37,392
You gotta just
embrace the suck.
537
00:22:37,424 --> 00:22:38,494
It's true for life too.
538
00:22:38,525 --> 00:22:40,685
Yeah, uh, look, General,
539
00:22:40,727 --> 00:22:42,997
I'm sorry I bailed
on the meeting.
540
00:22:43,029 --> 00:22:44,529
I just wasn't in the mood
541
00:22:44,564 --> 00:22:46,604
to talk about death
and destruction today.
542
00:22:46,633 --> 00:22:48,843
Yeah, no shit.
543
00:22:48,868 --> 00:22:51,568
I remember when I first
joined the military.
544
00:22:51,604 --> 00:22:53,914
All us young soldiers
prided ourselves, right,
545
00:22:53,940 --> 00:22:56,880
on our willingness to die
for each other, for our country.
546
00:22:56,909 --> 00:22:59,549
We thought it was the bravest
thing you could do.
547
00:22:59,579 --> 00:23:01,649
And then you get older.
548
00:23:01,681 --> 00:23:03,081
And you fall in love
and you get married
549
00:23:03,115 --> 00:23:04,645
and you have some kids.
550
00:23:04,684 --> 00:23:09,494
And you realize it's a far
braver thing to stay alive.
551
00:23:09,522 --> 00:23:12,022
It's not
what you'll die for.
552
00:23:12,058 --> 00:23:13,988
It's what in this
sometimes shitty world
553
00:23:14,026 --> 00:23:15,656
you'll stay alive for.
554
00:23:17,229 --> 00:23:19,729
Yeah.
555
00:23:19,766 --> 00:23:23,496
Gotta say, it's, uh, strange
accepting that level of wisdom
556
00:23:23,536 --> 00:23:25,966
from someone with 35
confirmed kills.
557
00:23:26,005 --> 00:23:27,165
37.
558
00:23:27,206 --> 00:23:28,976
Oh, sorry.
My mistake.
559
00:23:29,008 --> 00:23:31,138
( both chuckle )
560
00:23:32,612 --> 00:23:33,812
Thom as Jimmy Zales:
Depression.
561
00:23:33,846 --> 00:23:34,946
( audience boos
enthusiastically )
562
00:23:34,981 --> 00:23:37,651
- Anguish.
- ( audience boos )
563
00:23:37,684 --> 00:23:40,524
- Self-awareness.
- ( audience boos )
564
00:23:40,553 --> 00:23:41,753
I hate that.
565
00:23:41,788 --> 00:23:43,488
Don't know what to do
with your hands.
566
00:23:43,523 --> 00:23:45,933
( laughter )
567
00:23:45,958 --> 00:23:49,028
Incidents of depression
after lobotomy--
568
00:23:49,061 --> 00:23:50,201
zero.
569
00:23:50,229 --> 00:23:52,599
( cheers and applause )
570
00:23:52,632 --> 00:23:56,002
Incidents of drug abuse
after lobotomy--
571
00:23:56,035 --> 00:23:57,135
zero.
572
00:23:57,169 --> 00:23:58,669
( cheers and applause )
573
00:23:58,705 --> 00:24:02,975
Incidents of suicide
after lobotomy--
574
00:24:03,009 --> 00:24:04,579
Audience:
Zero!
575
00:24:04,611 --> 00:24:07,581
You know. You know.
That's why-- all right.
576
00:24:07,614 --> 00:24:09,124
That's right.
577
00:24:09,148 --> 00:24:12,488
Buy one, get a second one
578
00:24:12,519 --> 00:24:16,759
for a parent or a loved one
half price.
579
00:24:16,789 --> 00:24:19,259
That's why we say...
580
00:24:19,291 --> 00:24:22,231
"I'll take two!"
581
00:24:22,261 --> 00:24:24,231
Lee:
What about love, Thom?
582
00:24:24,263 --> 00:24:25,973
You'll take--
what?
583
00:24:25,998 --> 00:24:27,968
After a lobotomy.
584
00:24:28,000 --> 00:24:29,100
You'll never feel sadness,
585
00:24:29,135 --> 00:24:31,595
but you'll also
never feel love.
586
00:24:31,638 --> 00:24:33,708
Never feel joy.
587
00:24:33,740 --> 00:24:36,080
( in normal voice ) Yes, but
you don't feel pain either.
588
00:24:36,108 --> 00:24:38,708
Is that worth it, Thom?
589
00:24:42,615 --> 00:24:45,515
Is it worth it
to never feel pain again
590
00:24:45,552 --> 00:24:48,962
if you'll also
never feel love?
591
00:24:51,891 --> 00:24:52,931
I don't know.
592
00:24:52,959 --> 00:24:54,189
I don't know.
593
00:24:54,226 --> 00:24:56,126
You don't know?
594
00:25:00,833 --> 00:25:04,703
There's a-- there's a--
a free carrying case.
595
00:25:04,737 --> 00:25:08,067
You have to order it today.
596
00:25:08,107 --> 00:25:10,777
( sighs )
597
00:25:15,815 --> 00:25:19,245
Thom: When I was a teenager,
my grandmother died.
598
00:25:19,285 --> 00:25:23,015
She and my grandfather
had been married for 60 years,
599
00:25:23,055 --> 00:25:27,255
and as soon as she died,
he began to get sick.
600
00:25:27,293 --> 00:25:30,633
The doctor said
he had given up,
601
00:25:30,663 --> 00:25:32,833
that his body
didn't want to live.
602
00:25:32,865 --> 00:25:35,165
"Go and talk to him,"
said my mother.
603
00:25:35,201 --> 00:25:37,041
"Tell him.
Tell him to live."
604
00:25:37,069 --> 00:25:39,809
So I went to him and I said,
"Grandpa, you should live."
605
00:25:39,839 --> 00:25:43,239
And he said, "Why?"
He said, "I've had a good life.
606
00:25:43,275 --> 00:25:46,775
But without my Phyllis,
I just don't want to be here."
607
00:25:46,813 --> 00:25:50,883
I decided that was all
I ever wanted out of life,
608
00:25:50,917 --> 00:25:53,847
to meet someone
I didn't want to live without.
609
00:26:00,927 --> 00:26:01,757
Mm.
610
00:26:01,794 --> 00:26:03,634
Um, just so you know,
611
00:26:03,663 --> 00:26:05,333
when we get really old,
612
00:26:05,364 --> 00:26:09,244
like crazy, shrunken old,
613
00:26:09,268 --> 00:26:11,668
and we're in diapers,
614
00:26:11,704 --> 00:26:13,774
if you die before me,
615
00:26:13,806 --> 00:26:15,636
I'm totally
gonna kill myself.
616
00:26:15,675 --> 00:26:17,735
Oh, no doubt.
Me too.
617
00:26:17,777 --> 00:26:19,977
Yeah.
I mean that night.
618
00:26:20,012 --> 00:26:21,382
Check, please.
619
00:26:21,413 --> 00:26:23,723
Yeah. Good.
620
00:26:23,750 --> 00:26:26,720
How are you
gonna do it?
621
00:26:26,753 --> 00:26:28,353
Mm, I don't know.
622
00:26:28,387 --> 00:26:30,287
Bag of shrooms.
623
00:26:30,322 --> 00:26:31,822
Wait for 'em to kick in,
624
00:26:31,858 --> 00:26:33,328
and then just walk
into the ocean.
625
00:26:33,359 --> 00:26:37,229
I want something quick,
though, you know?
626
00:26:37,263 --> 00:26:38,703
Handgun?
627
00:26:38,731 --> 00:26:40,901
- That's too clichéd.
- Mm.
628
00:26:40,933 --> 00:26:42,373
Someone's gotta
clean up the mess.
629
00:26:42,401 --> 00:26:44,201
No, um...
630
00:26:44,236 --> 00:26:45,836
Head in the oven?
631
00:26:45,872 --> 00:26:47,212
Too German.
632
00:26:47,239 --> 00:26:49,709
Plastic bag
on your head?
633
00:26:49,742 --> 00:26:52,982
Yeah, but then, you know,
what kind of bag?
634
00:26:53,012 --> 00:26:54,952
You don't wanna be staring
at a Target logo
635
00:26:54,981 --> 00:26:57,421
as you shuffle off
your mortal coil.
636
00:26:57,449 --> 00:26:59,249
Barnes & Noble bag?
637
00:26:59,285 --> 00:27:01,345
Yeah,
but, you know, that's--
638
00:27:01,387 --> 00:27:03,257
even then,
you're staring at that
639
00:27:03,289 --> 00:27:05,889
fucking
James Joyce woodcut.
640
00:27:05,925 --> 00:27:08,255
Maybe you could get
Virginia Woolf.
641
00:27:08,294 --> 00:27:09,734
Mm.
642
00:27:09,762 --> 00:27:12,302
Maybe I could just
fuck myself to death.
643
00:27:12,331 --> 00:27:13,831
You know, get a room
644
00:27:13,866 --> 00:27:19,166
full of hookers and booze
and blow and...
645
00:27:19,205 --> 00:27:20,735
cookies.
646
00:27:20,773 --> 00:27:26,153
And just fuck and fuck
until my heart gives way
647
00:27:26,178 --> 00:27:29,748
and I just drop dead.
648
00:27:29,782 --> 00:27:32,422
I mean,
you only die once, right?
649
00:27:38,357 --> 00:27:40,757
( line ringing )
650
00:27:40,793 --> 00:27:42,833
Larry: Hey, this is Larry.
Leave me a message,
651
00:27:42,862 --> 00:27:44,762
and I'll return it as soon
as possible. Thanks.
652
00:27:44,797 --> 00:27:48,367
- ( line beeps )
- Thom: Hey, Larry, it's Thom.
653
00:27:48,400 --> 00:27:51,740
Listen, if you didn't
get my last message,
654
00:27:51,771 --> 00:27:54,441
just, you know, delete it.
655
00:27:54,473 --> 00:27:57,983
Okay. Bye, Larry.
656
00:27:58,010 --> 00:28:00,750
( dial tone )
46680
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