All language subtitles for HAPPYish.S01E04_English

Thom:
This is a mother ship,

just like the mother ship
that left me

on this ridiculous planet
40-something years ago.

I honestly can't think
of another explanation

of what I'm doing here.

I clearly don't belong.

I've tried to get along,
I've tried to fit in.

I got a designer shirt
and trendy running shoes,

but it's not helping.

It's been four decades,
mother ship.

I've done my time.

So, wherever you are,
turn around,

come back, and get me
the fuck out of here!

* If you're happy
and you know it,
clap your hands *

* If you're happy and you
know it, clap your hands *

* If you're
happy and you know it,
then motherfucking show it *

* If you're happy
and you know it, clap your
motherfucking hands *

* If you're happy
and you know it,
clap your hands! *

Thom:
It began as a joke.

Lee:
And that fucking school
doesn't do shit.

Did you paint today?

How, Thom? When?

I had Jules with me
all afternoon,

because Fitzgerald Miller
is a bully.

You should paint.

You know what you're like
when you don't work.

"Scream when you burn."

Bukowski said that.

Well, it's easy
for him to say.

When a man screams,
he's a genius.

When a woman screams,
she's just a cunt.

I need to get a studio
of my own, Thom.

I need a room
without a view.

- He's gonna do well.
- Bukowski?

- No, Fitzgerald.
- You mean in life?

Yeah, 'cause, you know--
'cause he's an asshole.

In this toilet of a world,
the asshole is king.

Well, wouldn't shit
be king in a toilet?

No, honey,
'cause the shit's gotta
come from somewhere.

( laughing )

Great big asshole
in the sky.

I wonder
when it's coming back.

What, darling?

- The mother ship.
- ( laughs )

To take us back to whatever
fucking planet we belong on.

- That's very optimistic.
- What is?

That there's a fucking planet
that we belong on.

We're down here.
We're down here!

Please,
we're right here!

- Come and get us!
- Please, help us.

- Take us back.
Please. Please!
- Please come and get us!

- Please!
- You abandoned us!

* I'd like to sing
the world a song *

* Of happiness and love

* Of puppies, joy,
and unicorns *

* We always
have dreamed of *

* I'd like to get
the world to sing *

- * In certain harmony
- * Certain harmony

* I'd like to give
the world a Coke *

- * And drink it cheerfully
- * That's the main thing

* I'd like to get
the world to si-- *

So let's talk about this.

I love that.

Is that gonna be
a real commercial?

It is a real commercial.
1976.

That's awesome.

Do you think
we're too cynical today
for a message like this?

No. I mean, maybe,
like, old people are.

Like in their 40s
or something.

Millennials.

Stupid fucking
optimistic assholes.

Oh, it's not millennials,
Thom, it's nature.

We're all assholes.

Everyone who is or was
is an asshole.

- What, even Gandhi?
- Think about it.

We all start out
the same way--

a single sperm among
50 million other sperm,

all desperate
to get to one egg.

To win.

You, me, everyone else
on the planet ever
in history,

we all won that 100-meter
in-utero, winner-take-all

race to mama's enchanted,
life-giving egg.

- First prize?
- Life?

- Second prize?
- Death.

Right.
Now, you think we weren't
throwing a few elbows?

You think you weren't knocking
a few other sperm over,

stabbing 'em in the back
just to get ahead,
just to win?

Thom, you don't win
that kind of race

without being an asshole.

I mean,
a huge asshole.

Your problem is
you think that assholes

are some sort of anomaly,
some sort of aberration.

Nature is
an asshole factory,
my friend.

If you exist,
you're an asshole.

You think,
therefore you are,

but you are,
therefore you're an asshole.

- * I'd like to get
the world to sing... *
- What's going on?

* A certain harmony...

Thom's voice:
It's not just the assholes,
though.

It's that everyone
loves assholes.

Like this asshole,
Fitzgerald Miller.

You smell that?
That is sulfur, folks.

Brimstone.
The kid is pure,
malevolent evil.

And everybody
at Woodstock Day School

loves this little shitheel.

- ( keyboard playing )
- * Don't worry about a thing

* 'Cause every
little thing *

- ( cameras clicking )
- * Is gonna be all right

* Don't worry
about a thing *

* 'Cause every
little thing *

* Is gonna be
all right. *

- ( song ends )
- ( applause )

Somehow, between being
our star basketball player

and lead actor
in our holiday play,

Fitzgerald found time
to master the keyboard.

Thom:
It doesn't matter
what Fitzgerald said, buddy.

- He said I was a bad singer.
- Really? Oh.

Oh, he's just jealous
of you, buddy.

And he never
picks me for teams,

and he says my clothes
are stupid.

( sighs )

Okay, you know something?
I'm gonna tell you something.

I'm gonna use
a word now,
all right?

And it's a bad word,
but I think you should know it,

and I think
it's appropriate.

And that word is "asshole."

I'm sorry, but that's
what Fitzgerald is.

He is one now,
and he's gonna be an even
bigger one when he grows up.

Okay?
That has nothing
to do with you.

- Mm-mm.
- Here's something else,
buddy, right?

- You don't have to take it.
- Mm-mm.

You can tell the teacher,
you can tell the principal,
or you can tell him.

You can tell him
you don't like it,

you can tell him
you want it to stop,

you can tell him you think
that it's wrong, okay?

You don't have to take it,
little man.

Mm-mm.
You know what?

I bet if you just said
one word to Fitzgerald,

if you just pointed
your finger at him

and said, "Shut up,"

he would run
under his desk, crying.

- He would?
- Yeah, he would.

Yeah.

Daddy, do you know
any assholes?

- ( laughing )
- Nice.

Yes, I do.
Almost exclusively.

( laughter continues )

So the guy takes
his bottle of Sam Adams Ice

and he dips it
in the pool

and everybody cheers,
right?

Because the Sam Adams Ice
has cooled it down.

Music up,
pool party is saved,

super comes in--
"Sam Adams Ice,

cooler than cool."

( exhales )

Do we have to use that line?
"Cooler than cool."

Client said we have to.

Mikal, this is a commercial
for the urban market.

- They're all black.
- Client is happy
to have Latinos.

- Do black people swim?
- Mikal: What?

- I'm just asking,
for believability.
- For believability.

It's the city, Mikal.
Where are they gonna swim?

- Okay, that's the most
racist thing I've ever heard.
- Debbie: It's not racist.

It would be racist
if I said they didn't swim

because they're shiftless.

It's a marketing question.

Validity, veracity,
verisimilitude.

In a commercial
where beer makes it snow.

( sighs )
I gotta get out
of this business.

They're running
these scripts past their
African-American agency, Thom,

and I don't feel like
losing this project

because we put
a bunch of city people
in a kidney-shaped pool.

Okay, what if we make it
a prison riot?

Or what if it's just
a bunch of black people

running wild in the streets,
raping white women?

'Cause black people
run wild in the streets

and rape white women,
don't they?

( Lorna clears throat )

Coke meeting
in Shakespeare.

Oh, thank God.

Am I in that meeting?

David from production
called.

Keebler thinks
the scripts need to be
more cookie-focused.

How come I'm not
in the Coke meeting?

You wanna come
to the meeting,
come to the meeting.

I don't wanna
come to the meeting,
I wanna be in the meeting.

If you come
to the Coke meeting,
you'll be in the Coke meeting.

No, I'll be
at the Coke meeting.

Whose meeting is this?
Is this your meeting?

The problem
is that we already sent
the scripts to Rob Reiner,

and he thinks they're
too cookie-focused,

and he wants us
to de-cookie them.

Look, tell David,
that piece-of-shit
head of production,

that if Rob Reiner wants
the fucking script changed,

Rob fucking Reiner can change
the fucking scripts.

He's the dickhead
that fucked them up
in the first place.

I'll tell David to get
in touch with Rob Reiner

regarding his suggested
script changes.

Yeah, do that.

( phone rings )

No.

( ringing continues )

Ugh.

- ( answering machine beeps )
- Automated voice: Please leave
your name, number,

- and message
after the beep.
- ( groans )

- ( beeps )
- Woman: Hey, Lee, this is Pam,
over at the day school.

It seems there has been
a little incident

between Julius
and Fitzgerald Miller,

and, um, we were wondering
if you could come in
right away--

Hi. Hi, hi, hi.
It's me.

Uh, what kind of incident?

He what?

Okay.
I'll be right there.

- Okay. Thanks, Pam.
- ( phone beeps )

Jon:
So let me get this
straight, Gottfrid.

You want to walk
into the Coca-Cola
chemistry meeting,

the meeting where
they will decide

if we even get to pitch
the goddamn account,

and tell them that they
should do no advertising?

That's not what he was
suggesting, Jonathan.

Then why don't you
explain it to me, Debbie?

Jonathan,
we're past the days
of advertising campaigns.

- Right.
- Gottfrid: We don't need
campaigns anymore.

- Jonathan: We don't need--
- It's one smart idea,

and it changes
the world, okay?

We need ideation.
We need social integration.

We need events.
We need moments.

Yes, events.
We need--

Yeah, exactly.
What Gustaff says.

It wasn't a war that started
the Egyptian Revolution.

It was fucking Facebook.

And the Egyptian
revolutionaries.

I don't think Egypt
is the best case study

for the long-term
effectiveness of social media.

Okay, look, it's like you
told me when we first met
about Al Qaeda.

Do you remember?
They're a great brand.

But what makes them
a great brand?

They don't make campaigns.

They make events.
9/11. 7/7. Charlie Hebdos.

I mean,
how many hits did they get
after that Hebdo shooting?

A million?
A trillion?

We need to take a lesson
from our enemies here.

From a marketing...

Hey. Hey! I'm here!

I'm here! It's me!

Over here!

Yes! Yes!
Oh, yes! Yes!

This is Coca-fucking-Cola!

They had nearly 46 billion
in sales last year.

They could not be
less insurgentlike
if they fuckin' tried.

Fuck you, motherfuckers!
I'm out of here.

( Gottfrid continues
indistinctly )

Wait.
Where are you going?

Wait. Come back!
Wait, come back!

Come back!

Come back!
I don't belong here.

- ( phone buzzing )
- Gottfrid: You don't need
a campaign full of attacks.

You need one,
one good one,

and you're on
the cover of...

- Hey.
- Lee: It's me.

- It's Julius.
- Okay, what's going on?

I'm at the school.
Jules hit Fitzgerald.

- Good.
- With a book.

They were on the school bus.
Fitzgerald was teasing him.

Jules asked him to stop,
and when he didn't, he hit him.

- Hardcover?
- No, soft.
It was "Harry Potter."

He's been crying
about it ever since.

- Fitzgerald.
- No, Thom, Jules.

He feels awful about it.
He's apologized, like,
a hundred times.

You know what?
I'm glad Julius
smacked him,

because that
smug little fucker
deserved it.

- So I'm pleased.
- Well, I'm not glad.

Now I'm supposed
to wait around here

till after school
so we can discuss it.

So my whole day's
gone now, gone.

Got no work done today.
Nothing.

Gotta get a place
to do my work, Thom.
I'm going crazy.

Jesus Christ!
But that kid's the biggest
asshole in the school.

We have to talk
to the principal?

Is everything on this planet
ass-fucking backwards?

( screaming )

( breathing heavily )

Thom: Fuck you.
I'm not asking your permission.

Fuck you, Thom.
I need you at the Coke meeting.

Jules has just been summoned
to the principal's office

because he finally
had the guts to stand up
to this bully,

and you think I'm gonna
sit in some fucking
soda-pop meeting?

Biggest goddamn pitch
of the year, Thom.

It's the biggest pitch
of the last five years.

The survival of this agency
depends on this pitch,

the survival of our jobs,
and that fuckin' asshole
wants to go in there

pitching the death
of advertising campaigns.

I know how morally opposed
you are to this industry

that pays for every last shred
of your fuckin' existence,

but I don't give
a shit if Julius burned
the goddamn school down.

I don't care if he's being
interviewed by the police.

I don't care
if he's being interviewed
by Anderson fucking Cooper.

You're coming
to the meeting!

- What's going on, Jonathan?
- Talking about survival.

You're off the rails.

Talk to me.

- What is it?
- Survival...

has, uh,
become more of an issue
for me of late.

Are you getting fired?

( scoffs)
No.

11:30. That's early,
even by your standards.

Nonalcoholic wine.

( laughs )

I can't not
recommend it enough.

Wine without alcohol.
What-- who would drink that?

Nobody, unless wine with
alcohol would kill them.

I got the results
of my test back.

It appears that
I have fucked my liver.

Fucked?
How fucked?

Well and truly.

No booze, no pot,
no salt, no nothing.

If I have any joy at all,

I'm gonna be
utterly miserable.

Yeah, Dani has this idea
that we have a fixed amount
of joy in our life.

Once you hit it,
it's over.

I guess it's--
I don't know.

I drank my joy too quickly.

Okay, so, uh,
if you avoid joy, then--

then what happens?

If I'm utterly miserable,

I get to live
a long and unhappy life.

That's the option.

Quantity over quality.

So what are you
going to do?

Survive.

Even if it kills me.

You know
what really bugs me

is that everyone
loves this asshole.

Jonathan doesn't.

Yeah, but the accounts
department, the creatives,

they're really impressed
by this Swedish jackass.

They think
he's a fucking genius.

He is a genius.

Oh, Christ.
Not you, too.

"That which
matters the most

should not give way to that
which matters the least."

Socrates.

Lululemon.

And that is where we get
our wisdom from today.

Not Socrates,
not Lao-Tzu.

Lululemon.

It's not hard
to be a genius

in a world that
looks to shopping bags
for insights.

Christ, I am appalled that
I'm even alive these days.

I really am.

You know, I imagine myself
going up to heaven

where everybody's
hanging around,
drinking martinis,

they look at me,
they say, "Hey, hi.
What era are you from?"

And I say, "America,
turn of the 21st century."

And then they all
bash me over the head
with their harps.

Wait, they have
martinis in heaven?

Well, if they didn't,
it would be hell.

So, uh,
tell me about TBWA.

Well,
David Reuters is out,

and they're looking
for someone to run
Mars and Novartis.

Wow.
Candy and pharmaceuticals.

I should call my shrink.

Oh, come on, Thom.

Do you know that Freud
wasn't even trying
to make people happy?

Did your shrink
ever tell you that?

You know,
his whole project,

it was just an attempt
to raise the utterly wretched

up to a normal,
run-of-the-mill despair.

And that's the goal in life.

It's not joy.
It's not rapture.

It's just being
as miserable as everyone else.

Now you're wretched at MGT.

Maybe you can
be miserable at TBWA.

- Sounds like progress.
- Mmm.

You know,
uh, I don't know if I can
leave Jonathan right now.

Jonathan is gonna be okay.

I thought you guys
were going to keep it
strictly biblical.

I know.

I'm such
a fucking asshole, right?

Who isn't?

There you go.

Your son has a problem.

- Uh, my son's problem
is your son.
- ( scoffs )

Fitzgerald, honey,
why don't you go wait
in the car?

Julius is a bully.

Oh, Julius is a bully?

He needs help.
He's a little thug.

Your son's an asshole.

Okay. I don't have
to listen to this.

No, yeah, you do.

Yes, you do.

Because "asshole"
is a virus.

It's passed from kid
to kid, person to person,
like the plague.

Pretty soon, the whole world
is gonna be full of 'em.

Do you know how
pissed you would be

if someone let
their kid come to school
with lice, Stacy?

You let your kid
come to school every day
with full-blown asshole.

Let me tell you something.

When it comes to "asshole,"
Fitzgerald is patient zero.

- I understand, Lee.
You're jealous.
- Holy shit.

No, and that's okay.

Fitzgerald is a top student,
a star athlete,

first in every class
he enters.

Everyone is jealous of him.

We know that.

But that is
Fitzgerald's burden.

But jealousy does not
give someone the right

to be a bully.

Is everything on this planet
ass-fucking backwards?

Hey! Hey!

Come back!
I'm right here!

I'm right here!

Please come back!

I don't belong here!

Thom:
Sigmund Freud.

( sighs )
That's all I got.

( laughter )

I carry his picture around
wherever I go.

He's my own little
secular "Ecce Homo,"

promising me salvation
from my crippling depression.

Here's an interesting
thing, though.

I just learned this,
that Sigmund Freud

wasn't trying
to make people happy.

He was just trying
to raise people up

to a normal level
of miserable.

Misery is normal.
People are unhappy.

So who are the real rebels?

The moody poet,
the frowning rock star,

or the happy people?

Coca-Cola doesn't just
sell happiness.

You sell
radical happiness.

Happiness as rebellion.

Defiant happiness.

Angry bliss.

Obstinate elation.

Life is Good.
You know this brand?

This is a
$100-million business
in over 30 countries.

You know why people wear
"Life is Good" shirts?

Because it's not.

It's hard.
But it's easy to give in.

It's easy to be weak.

Coca-Cola isn't
"Don't worry, be happy."

This campaign should be,
"Damn it, despite everything,

despite war, despite ISIS,
despite Ebola,

despite the crumbling
of Western civilization,

despite your
self-obsessed mother

and your domineering father
and your erectile dysfunction,

despite all that,
be happy."

Be happy.

That's how you sell
to millennials.

Radical happiness.
Punk joy.

Great, Thom.

I hope you know
how excited we all--

I'd like to
jump in a moment.

Uh, talk about campaigns.

Uh, Gottfrid, we have
a limited amount of time
with these gentlemen.

We're past the era
of advertising campaigns.

You don't have to like it,

but you can't ignore it.

Campaigns are, um,
last century.

We don't need
campaigns anymore.

We need-- we need events.
We need moments.

Why are the insurgents
winning in Iraq?

Because America
is playing an old game.

An old game of campaigns.

Coca-Cola needs to think
like an insurgent.

We need to become
an insurgent brand.

We need to fly
a plane into Pepsi.

We need to plant
the roadside bombs,

but on the information
superhighways.

Take the hilltop commercial.

"I'd like to buy
the world a Coke." Yeah?

That was an event.
It was a moment.

Not part of some campaign.

Yes, it was.

It was part of
the "Real Thing" campaign.

- Technically, yes--
- Gottfrid, I appreciate
your thoughts on this,

but Coca-Cola
as an insurgent brand?

I mean, you do understand

we're a 120-year-old
company, don't you?

Right? We're worth
over $200 billion.

I don't see how
we could be seen
as an insurgent brand.

Or that we even want
to see ourselves that way.

- Frankly, I mean--
- Gentlemen.

Gentlemen, may I?

( speaking German )

Or in a less
intimidating accent,

the official 1933 Nazi Party
Organization Handbook.

Arguably the most
important book

in all of Hitler's
Third Reich

and the most important
branding book

in marketing history.

This is what Coke needs.

"Mein Kampf"
was for underlings.

This is what
the professionals read.

Bush read "Mein Kampf."
Cheney read this.

( Jonathan snorts )

650 pages

of exacting,
illustrated information

on brand attributes,
logos, fonts,

graphics,
and brand personality.

It is the absolute model
for effective marketing.

There is no brand
that was as powerful
as the Nazi brand.

Not even yours.

Whatever marketing term
you wanna use,

whatever message
you wanna deliver,

the goal is the same.

Domination.

See, I think
radical happiness--

I think it's a big idea.

But the critical thing,

the one thing that I want you
to take away from this meeting

is that Coca-Cola
is not a brand.

It's an uber brand.

It's a movement that deserves
a fanatical devotion.

If we are lucky enough
to be chosen by you
to pitch this account,

I can assure you
we will not rest,
we will not falter.

Your mission
is our mission.

We are playing
for one thing only.

( speaks German )

* I'd like to give
the world a Coke *

- * And drink it cheerfully
- * That's for me

* I'd like to get
the world to sing *

- * In--
- Cut!

Cut. Cut. Cut!

That wasn't very happy,
was it?

I told you to be happy.

Not a little happy,
not sort of happy,

happy happy!

We are all happy
all the time.

We are all happy, ja?!

( thud )

( mutters in German )

( clears throat )

Let's take it from the top!

Hey, listen.
I can't believe you got out
that Nazi book today.

Why?

It's the third time
you've done it in six months.

That's not true.
I used it once before
in the Chase pitch.

What about Google?

Uh, yes. Okay.
You're right.

But if there's anyone
who ever wanted to take over
the entire world,

it's those
crazy motherfuckers.

What can I say?
Survival--

it ain't pretty,
but it's all we got.

To tonic water.

And acceptable
levels of misery.

Thom:
So the whole mother ship thing
may have started as a joke,

but now
I'm pretty sure it isn't.

If I hadn't met Lee,
it wouldn't be funny at all.

We're the only ones on Earth
the other one can stand.

Maybe that's all you can
ask for on this planet--

one nonasshole.

Oh. Hey!

Thom:
Two if you're lucky.

Come here.
( growls )

Mwah.

Thom:
After all,
the pursuit of happiness

is the source
of all unhappiness.

- Hey!
- Hey.

Welcome home.

Thom:
You know who said that?

Lulu-fucking-lemon.

- Oh, great.
- Want a beer?

Thom:
Here on planet asshole,
the shopping bag knows all.

* If you're happy
and you know it,
clap your hands *

* If you're happy and you
know it, clap your hands *

* If you're happy and you
know it, then your face
will surely show it *

* If you're happy
and you know it,
clap your hands *

* If you're happy and you
know it, clap your hands *

* If you're happy
and you know it,
clap your hands *

* If you're happy and you
know it, then your face
will surely show it *

* If you're happy
and you know it,
clap your hands *

* If you're happy and you
know it, clap your hands *

* If you're happy
and you know it,
clap your hands *

* If you're happy and you
know it, then your face
will surely show it *

* If you're happy
and you know it,
clap your hands *

* If you're happy and you
know it, clap your hands *

* If you're happy
and you know it,
clap your hands *

* If you're
happy and you know it,
then motherfucking show it *

* If you're happy
and you know it, clap your
motherfucking hands *

* If you're happy and you
know it, then your face
will surely show it *

* If you're happy
and you know it,
clap your hands! *