All language subtitles for HAPPYish.S01E03_English

Thom:
This is God.

God can do anything,

but there's one thing
He can't do.

Not now, not ever.
God can't die.

God is eternal, you see?
God has to be eternal.

That's the whole idea
of God.

So the moment God can die,
He's no longer God,

and so God
should shut the fuck up.

Walk a mile in my terrified
mortal shoes, God.

Lie in the dark,
knowing nothing of the dark
eternal nothing that follows.

Then you can judge me.

Until then, fuck off.
Fuck you, God.

* If you're happy
and you know it,
clap your hands *

* If you're happy and you
know it, clap your hands *

* If you're
happy and you know it,
then motherfucking show it *

* If you're happy
and you know it, clap your
motherfucking hands *

* If you're happy
and you know it,
clap your hands! *

( Julius coughing )

( groans )

( coughing continues )

( whines )

- ( coughing continues )
- ( sighs )

Stop it.

Stop what?

Picturing him dead.
It's a bug.

- I'm not picturing him dead.
- Yes, you are.

I'm picturing him dying.

Mm, much better.

Dying's worse than death.

Once you're dead,
it's over.

If you're dying,
you're still hoping
you'll pull through.

Which, of course,
you won't.

It's-- it's the hope
that causes the pain.

Well, whichever is
more agonizing for you, dear.

Hmm.

Come on,
you can't fire Larry.

He's just had a baby.

Larry's kid is in college.

But he's got baby photographs
all over his office.

They're stock photos.

He puts them up
so we don't fire him.

That's genius.

I mean,
do you want to fire
that kind of genius?

- I don't want
to fire anybody.
- What about Debbie?

You're head
of Production, David.
Debbie's an AE.

Why don't you offer up
someone from your own
fucking department?

Debbie's been around
a long time, Jon.

- 20 years.
- That's the point.

That's two years' severance.
It'd be cheaper to keep her
than to fire her.

Guys, we're creating
a better and smarter MGT.

Every act of creation

is an act
of destruction.

Gustaff reminds us
of eggs and omelets.

- What about Michael?
- We're not firing Michael.

He's a pain
in the ass, Thom.

All good people
are a pain in the ass, David.

Stick to your own
Goddamn department.

- I can drop Vince.
- We can't drop Vince.

- Because he's black?
- 'Cause no one else is.

Look, nobody gets
to play Jesus on this one.

Every soul you save today

is another soul
you condemn tomorrow,

so climb down
off your crosses,

take off
your thorned crowns,

and make
the difficult decisions

you guys get paid
to make.

We're gonna start
with Larry.

I'm gonna think
about Debbie.

Maya, I need four
from your department total.

David, I need
two from yours.

Why does
the Planning Department

need to lose twice
as many as Production?

Account is losing 14.

You're welcome to stay
for the next meeting
if you want.

Hey, guys.
Come on in.

I need a caffeine enema.
( laughs )

No, I'm not kidding you.
I'm so freakin' tired.

- * Mother is called madre... *
- What did you guys do?

- * Papá is your dad... *
- Lee: Oh, no.

Dude, Jennifer's
got that bug now.

She's not going
to school today.

Well, yeah, last night
was really rough, but I think
we're over the hump.

His fever's gone.
You know what's amazing?

- What fluids and rest
will do for you.
- Mom?

No, let the body do
its thang, you know.

It's like fresh air.

It's gonna do more for you
than any fuckin' doctor.

- Mom.
- Honey, I'm on the phone.

- ( vomiting continues )
- Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

Buddy. Oh, no.

Oh, that feels not fun.

Didn't Razorfish
just lose Microsoft?

They went to IPG in May

and they already have
a creative director.

Yeah, I'm thinking
account executive.

Oh, you're gonna move
to the account side now?

Not for me, for Debbie.

I mean, do you know
anyone there?

Can you just see
if they're looking?

- Is she?
- She might be.

- Bad?
- Might be.

You know, Thom, you have
your own job to worry about.

Well, I-- I can worry
about many things.

You know,
I can multi-worry.

You know the only business
worse than advertising?

It's the messiah business.

Go. The pay is lousy,

the only benefit
is self-congratulations,

and the saved don't
stay saved very long.

Trust me,
it's the foundation
of my entire career

as a headhunter.

- Tall tea with
honey and lemon?
- Thanks.

So?

There's nothing moving
out there, Thom.

Nothing?

Venti espresso?

Okay, I'll make
some calls.

What is this?
Why do I get that?

Gottfrid:
It's about creative priorities.

And New York Life
is not one of them.

The team has done
all they can on this account,

but I say to hell
with them.

So you want
to let them go?

I think it's a relic
of the old MGT,

and we're busy now.

I mean, we have
the Coke pitch coming up,

Rob Reiner wants to shoot
the Keebler campaign.

Man is a legend.

Thom, isn't the army
coming in tomorrow

- to do some new project?
- Mm-hmm.

And, Debbie, you have
the meeting with "I Can't
Believe It's Butter."

I mean, that is a big,
big creative opportunity.

I don't want to be
wasting time with this--
this New York Life.

We had a layoffs meeting
this morning,

and you're gonna let
a $35 million account
walk out the door?

We're trying to build this
into a creative shop, Thom.

New York Life is never
going to let us

do the kind of work
we want to do.

Business today moves
at the speed of ideas.

You don't have to like it,
but you cannot ignore it.

I'm claiming no fault
on this one, Jonathan.

The whole insurance category
went comedy a few years ago,

and New York Life insisted
on staying with tragedy,

and now they're getting
their butts kicked

by the GEICO Geckos
and the AFLAC gooses

and the Charlie Browns
of this world

and blaming it on us.

So what?

Instead of saving the patient,
we're just gonna let it die?

I mean, if they
want comedy, fuck it,
let's give them comedy.

How much time
did they give us?

None.
They're coming in Friday.

It's a formality.
Review starts Monday.

Well, if anybody has
any creative brainstorms,

we'll give it a shot.

Otherwise, Gottfrid,
it's your call.

Thank you.

Hey, Larry,
are you okay?

Larry?

( cash register
screeching )

Male voice:
Oh, what you doing, Thom?

Oh, fuck off.

They're just profiting
from your fear.

If you make
one stupid gecko joke,

I swear I will kick
your fucking teeth in.

- Fear of what?
- Death, mate.

The big sleep.
Look at all this shit.

Long life, more energy,
tighter skin.

You know
what would happen

if Julius took every one
of those vitamins

every day for the rest
of his life?

- What?
- He'd die.

He'd drop fucking dead,
just like everyone else.

You're gonna die
one day, Thom.

So is Lee.
And so is Julius.

So what do you suggest
I do about it, asshole?

Walk around making
profoundly lame jokes

whilst whistling
past the graveyard?

No, not whistling,
mate, laughing.

Laughing's all we have.

"Against the assault
of laughter,"

said Mark Twain,
"nothing can stand."

Uh, also, mate--
hello?

Geckos can't whistle.

( laughs )

I warned you, didn't I?

( screaming )

( groans )

Thom's voice:
The problem is
I'm Catholic.

- ( Julius coughing )
- That's what pisses me off
about God so much.

He can never know us,
but the Bible commands us
to know Him.

So, after 44 years,
here's what I know
about God--

the bastard loves
an unhappy ending.

- ( thermometer beeps )
- Jesus saves occasionally,

but God, God kills
with frightening regularity.

What is it?

- 102.6.
- ( groans )

- We should give him something.
- I gave him Tylenol.

- Well, then we should
give him something else.
- You're not helping, Thom.

That's why I want
to give him something,
to help him.

( sighs )
What do you want
me to give him?

I don't know-- Sudafed,
Robitussin, Mylanta?

- Mylanta?
- Something. Anything.

It's all bullshit,
Thom.

Lee, you're a skeptic.
That's why I love you.

But to call all medicine
bullshit is a bit much.

Besides, you're Jewish.

Oh, what does that mean?

You have a thing
for suffering.

It's-- it gets you hot.

Oh, and you chug medicine
because you're a Catholic.

You think God
is gonna kill you.

No, I think God is trying
to kill him to get to me.

All my mother ever did
was pour medicine
down my throat.

I was a Jew living
on St. Joseph's Aspirin.

It never made me
feel any better.

Check the label
on these things.

Half the crap is sugar.
It just makes it worse.

- Shh.
- Yeah, it just
makes it worse.

That's why Africans would kill
for a teaspoon of Robitussin,

because it makes it worse.

You're in advertising,
Thom.

How can you believe
their bullshit?

If Robitussin is all
we have in our battle

against the great
asshole in the sky,

then I'll take
the Robitussin.

You want
to give him something,
give him something.

( sighs )
So what do you think
I should give him.

Jesus Christ.

These may be
our enemies abroad,

but, Generals, these are
our enemies at home.

Parents.

Well-meaning,
but a pain in the ass.

Only 25% of parents today

would encourage their children
to join the military.

Fuckin' boomers.

Never met an enemy
they didn't like.

Yes.
The good news--

children over 18 can enlist
whether Mom likes it or not.

We just need to remind them
what else Mom doesn't like.

She doesn't like
their rap music,

she doesn't like
their video games,

and she doesn't like
their friends.

The message needs to be,

"You've never listened
to your parents before,

why should you listen
to them now?"

Thom, you feel bad
about every army assignment.

That's why we love you.

General,
Julius is sick,

and I keep
picturing him dying,

so it's, you know,
kind of tough

encouraging
other children
to maybe die.

We all die, Thom.
The question is how we live.

Maybe I should enlist.

I'll bring Julius.
Take Your Son to War Day.

I'm hoping we don't
get that desperate.

( laughs )

Be good.

Rob:
Look, don't get me wrong.

I love this concept.

You know me.
I embrace reality.

I love the fact that you want
to imbue these characters

with real emotions,
real feelings,

flesh-and-blood
characters

that will live
with the audience
long after they've gone.

To hell with
neorealism, huh?

Whatever happened
to actual realism.

- Am I right?
- Yeah, totally.

Yes, but the problem
you have here,

these scripts are...

- They're not real.
- Okay.

No, no, no. I mean,
what do you got here?

What do you have here?

You got "Fast Eddie
Gets an F."

"Buckets Loses a Race."

We have
an opportunity here

to do something
that resonates.

You know, a...
Weltanschauung,
if you will.

- Right.
- Think Cassavetes.

Think the Maysle brothers.

That's what we're
talking about here.

- I love Cassavetes.
- I know, I get it.

They're little people,
it's gonna be funny.

I get that.

But why can't we give
them real problems?

And I'm not
saying that, you know,
J.J. should get cancer

or that Mom should
discover that she's got
early-onset Alzheimer's

or something like that.

But what I'm saying
is Nabokov says

you put the characters
up in a tree

and then you throw rocks
at 'em, right?

I mean, look,
they want reality,

let's give 'em
reality, huh?

- Cassavetes.
- Yes. Cinéma vérité.

Love, life,
hatred, anger,

violence, injustice.

All the wonderful frailty
of the human condition.

What do you say?

Can you knock out
four or five of these
by lunch?

Uh, yeah.
Happy to.

Rob:
Great. I love it.

Thom:
I can't believe
we're shopping

when New York Life
is about to walk.

I'm not shopping for me.
I'm shopping for you.

I-- well,
no, thanks.

Just how much of an asshole
do you have to be

to keep your job
these days?

Give a man a fish,
you feed him for a day.

You teach a man
to dress,

he holds onto his shallow,
meaningless career

for another
couple of years.

That's a lot of cat.

New York Life is gonna walk
no matter what we do.

I'm just letting
Gottfrid own it.

It's Debbie's
biggest account.

Yeah, you follow
your heart, Thom.

- That's why you're failing.
- ( phone chimes )

Don't fall on your sword
for Debbie.

Yeah, well,
you follow your head,

which is why
you're an alcoholic.

You know, it's bad enough
that Julius is gonna die,

but I really don't want
to be standing

in a Jack Spade store
when he does.

Why is Julius
dying this time?

He has a bug.

So I spent all day
imagining him being dead.

Julius isn't dying.
I'm dying.

Julius is gonna
be fine.

Yeah, well,
we're all dying.

Not as quickly as me.

What are you
talking about?

That's exactly
what I said.

"What are you
talking about?"

They said,
"We don't know."

Wait, wait, wait.
They? Who's they?

- What the fuck
are you talking about?
- The doctors.

What doctors?

Don't give me
that look, Thom.

And don't say shit
about this to anybody

or you're gonna
have the Swedes

as global creative
directors as well.

They're doing tests.

That's what they do
when you're 52;
they do tests.

It's when they stop
doing tests that
you gotta worry.

- Tests for what?
- Everything.

Gall bladder, pancreas,
liver, cancer.

Cirrhosis,
fibro-fucking-myalgia.

Could be the vodka.
Could be the whiskey.
Could be the gin.

If you ask me,
it's fucking
vegetable juice.

I'm seeing this girl,
she got me into this
juice thing--

kale, spinach,
carrots, celery.

It's gonna fucking kill me.
I'm telling you.

After all these years
of alcohol and tobacco,

my body just can't tolerate
vitamins anymore.

Medium asshole?

Oh, fuck.
I'm fired.

You're not fired.

- Am I fired?
- Nobody's fired.

Do you remember the campaign
we presented to Tylenol?

The shit fan.

- The giant shit fan?
- I loved that campaign.

Write it up
for New York Life.
They're coming in tomorrow.

Debbie'll get you the brief
and support points.

Key frame, 160,
throw in some digital shit.

We're saving this account.

Oh, Jesus. Fuck.
We're losing New York Life now?

No. No, we're not
losing New York Life.

They want funny,
we'll give 'em funny.

Lee:
I'm not one
of those mothers...

has to bring
her kid to the doctor
for every little thing.

You ask me, I think science
is the West's new religion,

and I wasn't that crazy
about the old one.

Scientists have become
our popes, rabbis, imams.

Question it,
you're a fool.

Doubt it,
you're a sinner.

That's the way all religion
works out, right?

Absolute belief.

It's not a placebo,
it's not a sugar pill.

It's not just letting
the body do what nature
taught it to do.

Behold, it's a miracle
from the new god-- science.

For you have found
favor in his eyes.

It's gonna be
23 bucks a pill.

It's a bug.

- That's it?
- That's it.

Well, aren't you gonna
give him something?

- It's going around.
- Yeah, I know it's
going around.

- ( coughing )
- My son has it.

You could try Robitussin.

Robitussin.

That's your big cure,
Robitussin.

Robitussin
is just relief,
Mrs. Payne.

Cures are God's business.

But you're a doctor!

- What did they say?
- They said they don't know.

They said they'll do
some tests.

That's what they do
at my age; they do tests.

I went to look at
that new cookie factory
down the road.

Cookie Manufacturers
International.

And?

They got a machine there, Ma.
You should see it.

It's as big as
the Hollow Tree itself.

In one hour, they can
make 2,000 cookies,

package 'em, box 'em,
and ship 'em out.

So what's the good news?

The cookies
taste like crap.

It still takes a Keebler
to make a Keebler,
gosh darn it.

- How's Fast Eddie?
- His fever's coming down.

We're not out
of the woods yet,
though, but we're close.

Fast Eddie!

You feeling
better, son?

I thought
I smelled cookies.

Okay, okay, that's good.
That's good.

Very good, excellent.

Um, let's try it
one more time

from Fast Eddie's entrance,

and, um, this time,
I want you to think...

"I saved the cat,
and yet I am the cat."

See? See what
I'm getting at there?

- See? We're--
- Yeah, yeah. Okay, thanks.

Okay, good. All right,
let's try it again.

All right, here we go.
Okay. All right.

Quiet, quiet.

- Fast Eddie.
- You feeling better, son?

I thought
I smelled cookies.

Okay, that-- that's good.

Great. I love it.
I love it.

Uh, but on the day,

I want you to get
under the skin of Fast Eddie.

I want to feel
the relief that he feels

when he faces this brush
with death, okay?

- Great, thank you.
- Okay, good, terrific.

Hey.

- Good, yes?
- Those scripts, yes.

Yeah, a bit more life
than before.

- Up a tree, no?
- Yeah.

You know, let's just
keep writing more

and we'll see
where they go.

Yeah? Thom, you can
knock out a few more
tonight, can't you?

- Happy to.
- Lovely. Fantastic.

- Great work.
- Thank you.

- We worked a lot on this one.
- Well, it shows.

( Julius coughing )

( coughing continues )

( sighs )

Gecko:
Oi... ( laughs )

What's 13 inches long

and makes women moan
all night long?

Fuck off.

Crib death.
Get it?

( laughs )

You're a fucking asshole.

Hey, what'd you call me?

I called you
a fucking asshole,
you fucking asshole.

What?
Fuck you, Thom.

Excuse me?

How easy
you humans have it.

Let me tell you
something about geckos.

We can't blink.

We see everything--

death, disease,
every second of it.

You humans blink, what?
10,000 times a day?
15,000?

But we geckos don't get
to close our eyes, Thom.

We don't get
to look away.

It's "A Clockwork Orange"
in here, motherfucker.

We see it all!

So, yeah, we laugh,
we joke, we chuckle,

because that's all
we can do.

Try walking around
with a frontal lobe,
motherfucker,

knowing you're gonna die.

Knowing your son
is gonna die.

Knowing Lee
is gonna die,

that Jonathan
is gonna die!

Oh, woe is me.

I'm a sad human.

Why do bad things happen
to good people?

( mock crying )
Fuck you!

How many times did you blink
today asshole, huh?

- How many?
- ( shouts )

( gecko yelps )

My legs.
I can't feel my legs.

( whimpering )

- Aah!
- ( clatters )

Thom's voice:
See, that's the problem
with the Bible.

Joy is just a setup.

You're in Eden,
now get the fuck out.

You escape Egypt,
now you're lost in the desert.

"I gave you
my only begotten son.

Whoops, now he's dead."

How's Julius?

He's sleeping.

- Robitussin?
- Mm-hmm.

His fever's finally down.

He's not out
of the woods yet,
but he's closer.

I think I figured out
why my mom gave me
so much medicine.

To make you feel better?

No, to make herself
feel better.

Thom's voice:
I guess that's why
happiness makes me nervous.

God's got his characters
up a tree

and the bastard
is throwing bricks.

Mikal:
Somewhere out there,
there's a fan.

We don't know
who put it there,

and we don't know why.

The one thing we do know

is that one day,
sooner or later,

- the fan will point at you.
- ( cow moos )

That's why New York Life
gives you the best coverage
in the industry,

because when it
hits the fan,

we've got you
covered.

New York Life--
you're covered.

And we thought
you could give these out

to your new clients,
'cause, you know,

'cause you're covered.

From-- from the shit.

I don't know.

It's-- it's funny,
but I...

It's not our kind
of funny.

I don't know.

Well, you do, though.
You do know, you know?

That's what's special
about New York Life.

Look, you asked for comedy
and we gave you comedy,

and maybe
we shouldn't have.

Because you know
what we all know--

life is a tragedy,
we die, all of us.

It's an unhappy ending
every time.

A smart-ass gecko
isn't gonna change that.

Charlie Brown doing
a commercial for Met Life
isn't gonna change that.

I mean, Charlie Brown.

Charlie Brown
was born in 1946.

I know that,
because I was obsessed
with him as a kid.

I finally found someone
whose depression

was worse than mine.

What does that make him?
70 years old?

70.
So, Chuck's parents, dead.

Snoopy, dead.

The Snoopy they bought
to replace Snoopy, dead.

Lucy has got Alzheimer's

and Linus is riding
around in one of those
mobility scooters

bitching about Obama
and "secret Muslims."

- ( laughter )
- Thom: That's life.

And you're right,
it's not funny.

And New York Life
knows that.

You're the adults
in the room.

Stay that way.

Fuck GEICO and AFLAC
and all that lame-ass comedy.

Stop worrying
about what's going on
at the kid's table.

Sure, it's loud
and it sounds like fun,

but when tragedy strikes,

when lightning flashes
and thunder claps,

the terrified kids,
and we're all terrified kids,

will come looking
for the grownups.

You.

( phone chiming )

- Hello, Jon.
- How are you, man?

Shitty. Why?

They dropped us, brother.

New York Life.

( sighs )
How's Debbie?

She's drinking.

As am I.

You did everything
you could, Thom,

and at the end of the day,

this is a mark
against Gottfrid.

You got to stop trying
to save everyone, Thom.

I mean,
these days it's hard enough
to save yourself.

I mean, Jesus only brought
one guy back from the dead,
and it was his best friend.

That's not a great lesson
for the kids.

Thom?

Fucker hung up on me.

I heard they were lovers.

- Jesus and Lazarus?
- ( chuckles )

I thought it was Judas
that fucked Jesus.

( both laugh )

You know there's no hope
of a relationship here.

It's the hope
that causes pain.

( whirring )

Gecko:
Oh, come on, mate.

You don't see
the humor in this?

An insurance company
wanting to pursue comedy

that ends in tragedy?

That's funny.
( laughs )

An ad exec trying
to save himself

by saving another ad exec?

A man trying
to save his son

while convincing
other sons to go to war?

It's fucking hilarious!

( laughing )

You might be right.

Of course I'm right.

It's only tragedy

when you don't see
the comedy, Thom.

- It's only tragedy...
- ( car engine starts )

...when you don't see
the comedy.

Thom? Thom!

- No!
- ( crunches )

( groaning )

Asshole.

Damn you, Thom.
Fuck you.

- Hey.
- ( groans )

- How is Jules?
- 99.

Mm, okay.

- What about you?
- 102.

Oh, boy.

Thom's voice:
"Dear Jesus," Nabokov wrote,

"do something."

Oh, shit!

I'm so sorry.

It's okay, honey.
Don't worry.

I think it looks better
with the puke.

I do, honestly.
I think it's more punk.

Thom's voice:
That's why you have to laugh,

so that when you die
and go to wherever

and God says,
"How'd you like that cancer
I gave you, sinner?

How'd you like that AIDS
and that war

and that misery
and all that lovely pain?"

you get to fold your arms
across your chest, smile,

and say,
"Fuck you, asshole.
I laughed."

I should have
gotten large.

- ( laughing )
- Yeah?

* If you're happy
and you know it,
clap your hands *

* If you're happy and you
know it, clap your hands *

* If you're happy and you
know it, then your face
will surely show it *

* If you're happy
and you know it,
clap your hands *

* If you're happy and you
know it, clap your hands *

* If you're happy
and you know it,
clap your hands *

* If you're happy and you
know it, then your face
will surely show it *

* If you're happy
and you know it,
clap your hands *

* If you're happy and you
know it, clap your hands *

* If you're happy
and you know it,
clap your hands *

* If you're happy and you
know it, then your face
will surely show it *

* If you're happy
and you know it,
clap your hands *

* If you're happy and you
know it, clap your hands *

* If you're happy
and you know it,
clap your hands *

* If you're
happy and you know it,
then motherfucking show it *

* If you're happy
and you know it, clap your
motherfucking hands *

* If you're happy and you
know it, then your face
will surely show it *

* If you're happy
and you know it,
clap your hands! *