All language subtitles for Funny.Or.Die.Presents.S02E08_English

Listen up, rookie,
you're just the
scrunchie of the month.

When that beautiful
powerhouse wakes up
in that locker room,

it's gonna be me
she's asking for.

Me! (ECHOING)

(LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)

Don't worry,
my friend,
I will help you.

Why thank you,
Miss Loganthorpe.

(CHUCKLES)

Remind me to
give you a raise.

Hello, and welcome
to tonight's installment
of Funny or Die Presents.

You know, there are so many
reasons why I really want you
to stay tuned to HBO here

and watch what's
coming your way tonight.

I mean, of course,
there's the great comedy

you've really
come to count on
from Funny or Die,

and the unburdened creativity
that we like to foster here
at this company.

I'll tell you,
there's some great
new, young comedians

alongside some real
tried and true
comedy talent.

And the stuff just
looks better and better
all the time.

I'll tell you what,
this technology is
advancing so fast,

we'll all be making
Gone with the Wind on our
cell phones within a year.

But what I'm
most proud of,

and why I think
this episode is really
going to be great,

is in the 14th minute,
there's some real
tits and ass.

And not just a flash,
but a good, long look.

Oh, I'm telling you,
you'll want to pause
the TV when it comes up.

There's a quick shot
of some beav in
the 21st minute,

but that goes by
way too fast.

Anyway, it's good stuff,
and exactly why we all
got HBO 30 years ago.

You know,

I might have
got that mixed up.

the beav could be
at the 14th minute,

and the great
pair of tits could
be at the 21st.

Or maybe it's the 25th
minute, I don't know.

(CHUCKLES) Either way,
it's great television.

Enjoy.

FEMALE NARRATOR: Tonight,
on Funny or Die Presents,

Warren Sapp in
Do You Want to See
a Dead Body?

Episode 3 of Lady Refs, aw,

Body Boys,
starring Tim and Eric,

and the Movie of the Week,
Boobie.

No, I'm still down
at the mechanic.

Hey, let me
call you back.

Excuse me?

You're Warren Sapp,
right?

Rob?
Yeah.

Rob, what's up, man?
What's going on?

Met you at
Stacy and Steve's
wedding, right?

Stacy and Steve,
right.

That's a shame
about them.

Oh, I didn't hear.
They already broke up?

No, that they're together.
They're a horrible couple.

That's a good point. Yeah,
they were weird, right?
(SCOFFS)

So, you getting
your car worked on?

Yeah, some idiot
tore my rear end off.

(GROANS)
That's the worst.

Absolutely.
How long you
gonna be here?

All day long.
(GROANS)

Hey.

Do you want to see
a dead body?

WARREN: You know
they call me the QB Killer,
right, Rob?

Yeah.
But I've never seen one
laying there dead.

You've never seen
a dead body?

Oh, hell, no.
Where did you see
this dead body.

Buddy,

it's gonna
be awesome.

This way.

Wait, wait, wait.

This way.

WARREN: Hey, Rob,
you ever seen that
Family Guy episode

when Stewie
gets stuck
in the basement?

No, I didn't.

WARREN: Stewie,
football head.

(ROB SHUSHING)

I think it's
up this way.

Nope, wrong turn.

ROB: Oh, Jesus, God.

Where'd that
come from?

ROB: Hi, little girl.

(IN DISTORTED VOICE)
I'm lost.

Okay, good luck.
Yeah, take it easy.
Good luck.

(BOTH SCREAMING)

What the fuck
was that?

Run like shit!
Run like shit!
(SCREAMS)

Hey, Rob,
you ever seen
the Family Guy episode

when the whole family
goes on vacation
and they all get lost?

(SIGHS)

No, Warren,
I haven't seen that one.

It's not much further.

Hey, Rob.

What?
Let's take a break, man.

ROB: Shh, did you
hear that?

Hold.

(FARTS)

I farted.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)
Good one,
good one.

Hey, Rob
did you ever see
that Family Guy

when the negroes come over
and they all have dinner?

No, Warren, I never
saw that Family Guy.

I mean,
let's just agree

that if you have a question
about Family Guy,

whether or not I saw it,
the answer's no,
I didn't see it.

Dead body, huh?

This is not
the dead body
I brought you to see.

Clearly,
this is a pig.

You promised me
a dead body,

so now, dead body,
or your ass.

I'll be honest with you.

I think we took
a wrong turn.

I'm gone.

Dead body, my ass.

Hey, the fuck
is this thing?

'Cause I'm down here
in the basement
and I can't find it.

Completely lost.

Hey! You don't
belong here.

You've got to
get out of here
or I call the police.

Okay, well, you don't
have to be a dick
about every little...

I'm not a dick!

Okay, I'm sorry.
Can I just tell you
I brought

a personal hero of mine,
Warren Sapp,

from the NFL,
it was supposed to be
a very special day,

and I blew it.

I blew it.

So, I'm asking you,

man to man,
can you just help me?
I want to get out of here.

Don't worry, my friend,
I will help you.

Warren!

Let's go find
that dead body.

Yo! (EXCLAIMING)
No way!

I told you
it was around here.

Why would you have me
go through that whole
basement? He's outside!

It's a shortcut.
Come on!

ROB: Is he dead?

Maybe he's
just sleeping.

No way,
this guy's dead.

Let me see.
What?

No, he's dead.

(HORN HONKING LOUDLY)
Yo...

Get something.
Get something.
We gotta get the horn off.

I got something.
I got...
(CHATTERING EXCITEDLY)

Get it open.
Get it open!

Get him off the horn.
I'll put him back.
I'll put him back.

(EXCLAIMING IN DISGUST)

(RETCHING)

I got something better.

Taking a picture?
Yeah. (CHUCKLES)
I gotta.

Look, fast, fast, fast.
I know.

Okay, okay.

You're gonna
smile like that?
Yeah.

(CAMERA CLICKS)

GIRL: (DISTORTED)
I'm lost.

NARRATOR:
Previously on Lady Refs...

Kennedy's torn
between a man...
Hey, good job!

Cherry.
...and a manly woman.

God, you are
glowing right now.

'Cause I got the job,
Seth, not because
I just had sex.

Yeah, you did.

NARRATOR: Dirkson
falls hard for Kennedy...

Get your mind
out of her pussy,
Dirkson.

...but falls even harder
on the field.

(INAUDIBLE)

(EKG FLATLINING)
We're losing her!

She's flatlining.
BOTH: No, I can't live
without you.

TOGETHER: Jinx.
Buy me a Coke.

Clear!

Clear!

Clear!

Aw, fuck you guys.

(UPBEAT THEME SONG PLAYING)

* If you're offsides,
out of bounds

* To play real rough
and show them down

* Even you would get a bump

* 'Cause when I kick
I kick it hard

* Every time you hear
the whistle go

* That's me in control

* We're playing sudden death

* Lady refs *

Hey, babe,
it's your fiance,

uh, still waiting
for ya.

All right,
love you lots.
So much.

Okay, byesies.

Huh. Offsides.

I breathe, you pump.

No, you pump,
I breathe.
Let me die!

Ladies, please, I'm trying
to do an experimental
ACL surgery here.

Okay, but Doc...

I'm not a doctor,
I'm a trainer. Greg.

Greg, I want to
give her mouth-to-mouth.

JABLONSKY: I want to
give her mouth-to-mouth.

Ladies, please.
Take a lap.

What's your deal
with Dirkson?

She's my friend.
It's not like
I "like" like her.

Good, 'cause I do.

She's the tits.

Too bad
she doesn't feel
the same about you.

Ow!

Listen up, rookie,
you're just the
scrunchie of the month.

When that beautiful
powerhouse wakes up
in that locker room,

it's gonna be me
she's asking for.

Me! (ECHOING)

(SIGHS)

Okay.

That should do it.

Mmm-hmm. Yes.

Hey, babe, what
took you so long?

You guys go into
a little bit of, uh,
a little overtime?

Oh, shut up, Seth.
You don't understand soccer
and you never will.

Look, let's don't fight,
huh, before our wedding?

Which is tomorrow...
(ECHOING)

Jablonsky.

I'm right here, baby.

Where's Kennedy?

Are you serious?

NARRATOR:
Next time on Lady Refs...

What are you doing?
I'm going after
the woman I love.

So am I. No!

I love you!

(TOILET FLUSHING)

Dude, this sucks.
I'm going home.
I'm not even drinking.

Why aren't you drinking?

Uh, it's pilot season?
Get professional.

Uh... (SCOFFS)
Whatever.

I hear that this season's
gonna be bullshit anyway.

I mean, that's what
my casting director friends
told me.

Okay, I get it.

I know casting directors,
as well, okay?

And...
There's a difference
in knowing them...

Hey, um...
Just because someone
goes to your birthday...

...we have
a shit-ton of weed

in the woodshed
across the street
if you guys wanna join us.

What?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I thought
you were Heather.

No.

Oh, no.

Wait.
What?

What kind of
woodshed is it?

It's for wood.
It's a woodshed.

NARRATOR: Twenty years ago,
a group of beach kids
ditched their boards

and became the most famous
bodysurfing crew
in the world,

until it all
came crashing down.

This is Body Boys,
Legend of the Pipers.

We were just
a bunch of kids
having fun, you know?

NATASHA: We were
learning to love the sea,

and catching
some pretty gnarly waves
along with that.

ERIC: I was having
the time of my life
riding those dope waves.

And then we met
that beach whore.

We'd been having
a pretty heavy sess.,
and I looked up,

and I saw
this beach whore.

NATASHA: I could see
through his wetsuit
those peppermint nipples

and I wanted
to bang him so bad.

Yeah, back in those days
I was a beach whore.

More of a beach slut.

I didn't get paid
or anything.

He had taffy balls, and you
could curl them up like
spaghetti around your hands.

ERIC: Once you
get a taste of that hole,

you can't stop.

"Let me get in.
Let me get in now."

NARRATOR: But the beach whore
turned out to be more
than just a hole.

One day at the beach,
he changed their lives
forever.

We didn't even know
he could swim.

We usually just had
our fists in his ass.

I said, "Hey, bro,
you don't need
a board to ride me.

"Why do you need
a board to ride
the waves?

"Just ride bareback, bro."

I'd give him a little kiss
and throw him in the waves,

and then that's how
they learned how
to bodysurf.

ERIC: He threw
Natasha's board away,
pushed her in the water.

He threw my board away,
pushed me in the water.

He was no longer
just a hole to us,

he was one of
the Pipers now.

NARRATOR: The Pipers'
skills quickly escalated,

and they started inventing
dozens of tricks.

I developed a move
called the French Dip.

That's when I take
Duncan by the ankles

and I dip him into
that beef broth

and I flip him over
and lick his head.

NATASHA: There was
the Cyclone.

Duncan had
this amazing move
called King's Nap.

He would get so exhausted
that he would just nap
on that wave. It was dope.

(YAWNING)

Lover's Embrace is
based after when I was
banging Doug face-to-face

instead of banging him
like a regular whore.

(EXCLAIMING)

It's not my favorite move.

I don't want to look
in someone's eyes during

the banging,
I just want to bang.

We got Walk the Dog.

Doug would actually
walk his little pup
on the wave.

That was sick.

NARRATOR: Although
the Pipers are credited
for inventing these moves,

Eric's brother claims
that they were originally
his ideas.

You want the truth?
My brother Eric
ripped me off.

Look at this.
This is the Tornado.

But he just renamed it.
What does he
call it now?

INTERVIEWER:
The Cyclone?
Cyclone?

This was my idea
and he's ripping me off.

And he renames it
and acts like he
came up with it himself,

like he's Leonardo da Vinci.

No, no, no,
he's a shit brother.

Even my dad says
he's a little shit son
because he lies all the time.

Please, don't use him
for this documentary.

I'm not gonna listen
to that bullshit.

He's a liar.

NARRATOR:
While Eric's brother was
allegedly inventing tricks,

Natasha made a discovery
that took bodysurfing
to the next level.

One day I was bodysurfing
and I hit the beach
and I just kept going.

And then I realized,
we don't even need water.

That's when
the whole world got wet.

(EXHALES)

We were bodysurfing
everything:

train tracks,

buildings,

waterfalls,

alternative teenagers...

Yo, things got
wicked rad for us.

We were on
magazine covers,

dolphins were
taking pictures with us.

We were hot.
Piping hot.

NARRATOR: The Pipers were
on top, but not everything
was rosy for Eric.

Twenty-five years ago,
his pepaw was swept to sea

by a giant wave
called Mai M'au.

I had to avenge
my pepaw's death,

and I had to surf Mai M'au
with my Pipers.

I miss you so much,
Pepaw.

(CRYING)

It was crazy.
No one ever surfed Mai M'au.

It is a death wish.

I didn't want
to do it, but...

We all agreed
to do it.

Anything for
a fellow Piper.

NARRATOR: So the Pipers
did the unthinkable.

They handcuffed themselves
together and rode the biggest
wave in the world.

Yeah. (WEAKLY)

Yeah...

Mmm...

Aah...
NARRATOR: While they
were riding the wave,

something supernatural
occurred.

I thought I was
on the end,

and I look over
and it's my pepaw.

Pepaw!
And he looked back at me
and he said, "Goodbye."

And he went back
in the ocean.

(ALL CHEERING)
NARRATOR:
It was a great ride,

until the 40-foot wave
came crashing down.

(ALL SCREAMING)

I'm so glad I thought
of that idea. It was totally
worth riding that wave.

Maybe for him, but for us,
it was a disaster.

He didn't get hurt,

but all of us got hurt.

Wave ripped
our bodies in half.

Eric can walk.

Eric can drive.

Eric can bang.

(RATTLING)

I'm sorry, it rattles
when I get angry.

There is no amount
of makeup that can make
this spine look good.

Dude, that was
wicked gnar.

(EXHALING)

(GUITAR ROCK
THEME SONG PLAYING)

Welcome back to Juggalo News.
On the lighter side today,

the annual Juggalo Junior
Spelling Smackdown was held

at the South Detroit
Rester's Lodge
Convention Center.

Over 200 4th and 5th grade
underground killas
participated in the event.

We're joined now
by the winner, 9-year-old
Machete Pimp 4 Real.

How you doin', Machete?

Hi.

Hey, it's really good
to have you here.

Thanks for dropping
an interview bomb on us.

What was
the word that you won
the competition with?

"Chainsawculous."

Jeez, that's the tough one.
I don't think I know
how to spell that.

You're making me
look like a dumb shit.

It must have been really
nerve-racking for you

getting up there
in front of an ass-ton
of motherfuckers like that.

Were you nervous at all?

I was a little.

But it's cool,
'cause my pimp swag's
off the chain.

Well, I can certainly
see that.

It seems like you got
mad smarts in your brains.

What do you wanna be
when you grow up?

I wanna be a
straight-up dirty thug,

or an architect.

Well, keep reaching
for your fuckin' dreams.

Now, we don't want to
put you all ups on the spot
or anything,

but we thought
it might be fun

to give you a little
spelling challenge

right here on the show.
How's that shit sound?

Yeah, G,
I got this on lockdown.

Okay, well, get ready,
'cause it's a tough one.

Uh, your word is
"clownpocalypse."

Can you use it
in a sentence?

Uh, sure.
"When the clownpocalypse
drops a mega-deuce,

"haters best grab hold
of they pussies."

Okay.

(SPELLING OUT WORD)

Clownpocalypse.

Ooh, I'm so sorry,
"klownpocalypse" is
spelled with a "K."

(BUZZER SOUNDING)
It's with a "K."

Uh, very close, though.
Good try.

Listen, it was hells of fresh
to have you on the show,
buddy,

and do you wanna say
fuck's up to anybody
watching at home?

Yes, to my mom
and my dad.

And all the suckas
who be frontin'
on the clown,

I'm'a make you
eat my nightmares.

Okay. 9-year-old
Machete Pimp 4 Real.

He ain't no ho.
Thanks for watching.

NARRATOR:
And now presenting

the world premiere
of a motion picture

produced especially
for Funny or Die,

the Movie of the Week.

Tonight's movie, Boobie.

(BOTH LAUGHING
UNCONTROLLABLY)

I, uh...
(CLEARS THROAT)

I don't get it.

Then why'd you laugh?

Peer pressure?

I don't know.

What's that?

Boobie.

Boobie?

WILLIAM: Boobie.

He's my favorite.

What, you got
a collection or something?

Yeah, kind of.

I used to
collect stickers.

Aw, cool!

What time you got?

3:30.

Showtime.

(MELANCHOLY ORCHESTRAL
MUSIC PLAYING)

(METALLIC CLANGING)

You missed.

Fuck!

I left my glasses
in the car.

A real gun?

What are you
trying to do,
kill me or something?

Yeah, I guess.

(COCKING)

(FIRES)

(JAMES GROANING)

Ow!

(GROANS)

(GROANING)

You're bleeding!

Does it hurt?

I think I'm dyin'.

(GROANS)

(GASPS)

Do you want
to hold Boobie?

Sure?

He's my favorite.

Come on, Boobie.

Let's get out of here.

(LIVELY ORCHESTRAL MUSIC
PLAYING)

(GUN FIRES)
(MAN GROANS)

Whoops, (LAUGHING)
you caught me.

Uh, don't worry,
she's not dead,
she's just passed out.

As you can see,
I almost got there.

But now it'd almost
be like cheating.

Frankly, I don't respect
that kind of behavior.

Sure, get 'em drunk,
tell 'em a few lies,

but once the brain shuts off
and the muscles collapse,

that's when I take
the high road.

And you know what?
The law agrees with me.

I hope you
take the high road
in everything you do.

See you next week.