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1
00:00:12,280 --> 00:00:14,780
I am the mother
of his fucking child.
2
00:00:14,848 --> 00:00:16,148
Yeah, twins.
3
00:00:16,217 --> 00:00:18,147
Mmm.
Shit, yeah,
you right. Twins!
4
00:00:18,219 --> 00:00:21,089
You might get the new
girl, but you'll
never get these.
5
00:00:21,155 --> 00:00:22,985
On the count of three,
say whatever's
in your heart.
6
00:00:23,057 --> 00:00:24,987
One, two, three.
7
00:00:25,059 --> 00:00:26,389
Death.
Intercourse.
8
00:00:27,595 --> 00:00:29,895
No!
9
00:00:29,963 --> 00:00:31,573
(SCREAMING)
10
00:00:45,779 --> 00:00:48,719
(CHUCKLES)
Oh, that's
a good one.
11
00:00:48,782 --> 00:00:51,952
(SIGHS) Women are
fun to look at,
aren't they?
12
00:00:52,019 --> 00:00:54,419
I think it's pretty
obvious they were
made to look at.
13
00:00:54,488 --> 00:00:56,318
Oh, sure they have brains
and they do stuff.
14
00:00:56,390 --> 00:00:59,530
Some of them do
important stuff like run
banks and teach math,
15
00:00:59,593 --> 00:01:01,663
but I really don't
like that kind.
16
00:01:01,729 --> 00:01:03,129
I like the
lookin' kind.
17
00:01:03,197 --> 00:01:04,527
And I'll tell ya
something else, too,
18
00:01:04,598 --> 00:01:06,728
I like looking
at different kinds
of women.
19
00:01:06,800 --> 00:01:10,140
Blondes, brunettes,
the whole silly peepshow.
20
00:01:10,204 --> 00:01:13,314
I think in tonight's
episode you'll see
a few women.
21
00:01:13,374 --> 00:01:14,984
Now don't pay
much attention
to the noises
22
00:01:15,042 --> 00:01:16,082
coming out
of their mouths.
23
00:01:16,144 --> 00:01:17,654
It's not very
interesting.
24
00:01:17,711 --> 00:01:20,651
Just look at 'em.
25
00:01:20,714 --> 00:01:23,124
It's what we're
supposed to do.
26
00:01:49,777 --> 00:01:52,477
FEMALE NARRATOR: Tonight
on Funny or Die presents
27
00:01:52,546 --> 00:01:55,976
episode one
of Lady Refs.
28
00:01:56,049 --> 00:01:59,649
Then Rachael Harris
joins Rob Huebel in
29
00:01:59,720 --> 00:02:01,790
Do You Want to See
a Dead Body?
30
00:02:02,856 --> 00:02:04,586
The Burn Unit.
31
00:02:05,526 --> 00:02:07,656
And the movie of the week,
32
00:02:07,728 --> 00:02:09,298
Sticky Minds.
33
00:02:15,536 --> 00:02:17,506
Keep it clean,
keep it clean.
34
00:02:22,843 --> 00:02:24,113
Mmm.
35
00:02:24,178 --> 00:02:25,778
God damn, she's fine.
36
00:02:27,114 --> 00:02:28,184
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
37
00:02:28,249 --> 00:02:29,279
Hey, Jablonsky,
who's ball,
38
00:02:29,350 --> 00:02:30,720
Panda's or Unicorn's?
39
00:02:30,784 --> 00:02:32,324
Uh, Panda's.
40
00:02:35,723 --> 00:02:38,163
Jablonsky, focus up.
You're making me
look bad out there.
41
00:02:38,226 --> 00:02:40,426
(SIGHS) You could
never look bad.
42
00:02:40,494 --> 00:02:42,134
Hey, why don't you
call this game
and we, uh,
43
00:02:42,196 --> 00:02:44,266
hit the showers
like old times, huh?
44
00:02:44,332 --> 00:02:45,632
No, thanks.
45
00:02:45,699 --> 00:02:47,799
Ooh, look,
hot new girl
in town.
46
00:02:51,872 --> 00:02:53,512
She's applying for
the ref position,
47
00:02:53,574 --> 00:02:55,344
and that's
her fiance.
48
00:02:55,409 --> 00:02:56,879
Get your mind
out of her pussy,
Dirkson.
49
00:02:56,944 --> 00:02:59,154
She's not on our team.
50
00:02:59,213 --> 00:03:01,623
Hi, I'm Kennedy
and I wanna be a ref.
51
00:03:02,716 --> 00:03:04,916
Score.
52
00:03:04,985 --> 00:03:06,685
(UPBEAT THEME SONG PLAYING)
53
00:03:07,955 --> 00:03:09,585
* If you're offsides,
out of bounds
54
00:03:09,657 --> 00:03:11,187
* To play real rough
and show them down
55
00:03:11,259 --> 00:03:12,789
* Even you would get a bump
56
00:03:12,860 --> 00:03:14,630
* 'Cause when I kick
I kick it hard
57
00:03:14,695 --> 00:03:17,365
* Every time you hear
the whistle go
58
00:03:17,431 --> 00:03:18,731
* That's me in control
59
00:03:18,799 --> 00:03:20,869
* We're playing sudden death
60
00:03:20,934 --> 00:03:24,414
* Lady refs *
61
00:03:28,276 --> 00:03:31,076
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
62
00:03:31,144 --> 00:03:33,714
In that situation,
I'd call a PK.
63
00:03:33,781 --> 00:03:34,781
What's that?
64
00:03:34,848 --> 00:03:36,118
Penalty kick.
65
00:03:36,183 --> 00:03:38,453
Sorry, he's
new to soccer.
66
00:03:38,519 --> 00:03:40,889
Let's continue
the interview inside.
67
00:03:40,954 --> 00:03:42,364
Sorry.
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
68
00:03:42,423 --> 00:03:43,963
Girls only.
69
00:03:44,024 --> 00:03:45,164
Yeah, that's
all right.
I'll just wait...
70
00:03:45,225 --> 00:03:46,525
(LOCK CLICKS)
71
00:03:49,930 --> 00:03:51,770
She thinks
the new girl's
so hot.
72
00:03:51,832 --> 00:03:55,042
Wait till Dirkson
gets a load of
these killer abs.
73
00:03:55,102 --> 00:03:56,442
Hey.
74
00:03:56,504 --> 00:03:58,744
I could use you
in Afghanistan.
75
00:03:58,806 --> 00:04:00,706
And I could
use a shower.
76
00:04:03,811 --> 00:04:05,781
Okay. Excuse me.
77
00:04:11,885 --> 00:04:14,285
In Spain, they call
it football?
78
00:04:14,355 --> 00:04:15,985
Fifty for fifty.
Yeah!
79
00:04:16,056 --> 00:04:17,626
You're a lady ref, now.
80
00:04:17,691 --> 00:04:18,591
Whoo!
81
00:04:18,659 --> 00:04:20,159
I'm gonna hit
the showers.
82
00:04:20,227 --> 00:04:21,697
You in?
83
00:04:21,762 --> 00:04:23,402
No, uh,
84
00:04:23,464 --> 00:04:24,474
I'm engaged.
85
00:04:24,532 --> 00:04:26,002
(SCOFFS) What?
86
00:04:26,066 --> 00:04:27,896
Engaged girls
don't wash
their hair?
87
00:04:30,137 --> 00:04:32,037
Hand me the Pert Plus.
88
00:04:32,105 --> 00:04:33,435
I can't reach it.
89
00:04:38,612 --> 00:04:40,782
More like Pert Minus.
90
00:04:40,848 --> 00:04:43,418
You might get the
new girl, but you'll
never get these.
91
00:04:43,484 --> 00:04:44,754
DIRKSON: Jablonsky!
92
00:04:44,818 --> 00:04:47,418
Come on, man!
(ECHOES)
93
00:04:48,422 --> 00:04:50,892
Hey, is Afghanistan
far from here?
94
00:04:50,958 --> 00:04:52,388
You bet.
95
00:04:52,460 --> 00:04:53,660
Well, sign me up.
96
00:04:55,663 --> 00:04:57,733
Hey! You got the job!
97
00:04:57,798 --> 00:04:58,968
Boy, that was
a long interview.
98
00:04:59,032 --> 00:05:00,372
You were in there
for five hours.
99
00:05:05,138 --> 00:05:06,738
God, you are
glowing right now.
100
00:05:06,807 --> 00:05:08,337
'Cause I got
the job, Seth.
101
00:05:08,409 --> 00:05:10,909
Not because I just
had sex, or anything
like that.
102
00:05:13,381 --> 00:05:14,651
Yeah, you did.
103
00:05:18,218 --> 00:05:20,718
FEMALE NARRATOR:
Next time on Lady Refs...
104
00:05:20,788 --> 00:05:24,018
I think the Unicorns
ought to pack
their suitcases.
105
00:05:24,091 --> 00:05:25,331
Capisce?
106
00:05:27,961 --> 00:05:30,331
(DISTORTED) No!
107
00:05:30,398 --> 00:05:31,798
She's flatlining!
108
00:05:31,865 --> 00:05:33,665
Clear!
109
00:05:33,734 --> 00:05:34,744
Clear!
110
00:05:47,781 --> 00:05:48,781
(CHUCKLES)
111
00:05:59,326 --> 00:06:01,026
ROB: Rachel?
Oh, God!
112
00:06:01,094 --> 00:06:02,234
Rachel!
113
00:06:02,295 --> 00:06:03,995
Hey, it's Rob.
What are you...
114
00:06:04,064 --> 00:06:05,604
This is so great
to see you. You
look beautiful.
115
00:06:05,666 --> 00:06:06,866
You look so sexy.
116
00:06:06,934 --> 00:06:08,174
Rob, what's...
117
00:06:08,235 --> 00:06:09,995
Your dick,
what's going on
with your dick?
118
00:06:10,070 --> 00:06:11,810
Oh? Oh gosh, that's
so embarrassing.
I'm so sorry.
119
00:06:11,872 --> 00:06:13,572
I fell asleep
in the bushes.
120
00:06:13,641 --> 00:06:14,781
I think
I might've had
a sexy dream.
121
00:06:14,842 --> 00:06:15,882
Why did you
break up with me?
122
00:06:15,943 --> 00:06:16,943
Rob...
123
00:06:17,010 --> 00:06:18,610
Come on.
Do you want
to hang out?
124
00:06:18,679 --> 00:06:19,849
Do you want
to spend some
time together?
125
00:06:19,913 --> 00:06:21,453
I'm actually
on my way to go
on a hike.
126
00:06:21,515 --> 00:06:23,145
Wait. Which way
are you gonna go?
127
00:06:23,216 --> 00:06:24,546
On the count of three,
you say which way
you're going,
128
00:06:24,618 --> 00:06:25,588
and I'll say
which way I'm going.
129
00:06:25,653 --> 00:06:26,453
Okay.
One, two, three.
130
00:06:26,520 --> 00:06:27,790
BOTH: That way.
131
00:06:27,855 --> 00:06:29,455
I should just
come with you.
No.
132
00:06:29,523 --> 00:06:30,763
Rob, I have a boyfriend.
133
00:06:30,824 --> 00:06:32,994
The reason I want you
to hike with me
134
00:06:33,060 --> 00:06:34,730
is because I wanna
show you something.
135
00:06:34,795 --> 00:06:36,525
Well, I don't
want to play
that game again.
136
00:06:36,597 --> 00:06:38,327
I'm not playing
a game, I really want
to show you something
137
00:06:38,398 --> 00:06:40,668
that I think
you're going to
really want to see.
138
00:06:41,902 --> 00:06:43,142
Do you want to
see a dead body?
139
00:06:47,207 --> 00:06:48,877
ROB: Tell me about
this new boyfriend.
140
00:06:48,942 --> 00:06:49,942
(SCOFFS)
141
00:06:50,010 --> 00:06:51,750
Do you really
wanna hear this?
142
00:06:52,880 --> 00:06:54,450
How's the
love making?
143
00:06:56,517 --> 00:06:57,747
I'm not going
to go into that
with you.
144
00:06:57,818 --> 00:07:00,788
Oh, look!
(LAUGHS)
145
00:07:00,854 --> 00:07:02,194
A picnic.
146
00:07:02,255 --> 00:07:04,625
Who left this
out here in the
middle of nowhere?
147
00:07:04,692 --> 00:07:06,632
(LAUGHING)
We should enjoy this.
148
00:07:06,694 --> 00:07:08,834
Just for one minute.
149
00:07:08,896 --> 00:07:10,496
Look at
these cherries.
150
00:07:10,564 --> 00:07:11,774
Your favorite.
151
00:07:11,832 --> 00:07:12,832
Yeah.
152
00:07:12,900 --> 00:07:14,430
Cherries are
my favorite.
Mmm.
153
00:07:14,502 --> 00:07:15,972
That's weird
that they're just
sitting out here.
154
00:07:16,036 --> 00:07:17,396
These are so great.
You should try one.
155
00:07:17,471 --> 00:07:19,141
Can I feed
one to you?
No.
156
00:07:19,206 --> 00:07:20,706
If there's
seriously a dead body,
we should call the cops.
157
00:07:20,774 --> 00:07:22,044
I think you're lying.
There is a dead body...
158
00:07:22,109 --> 00:07:23,539
No.
...and I'm gonna
show it to you.
159
00:07:23,611 --> 00:07:24,781
It's a little ways
over here.
160
00:07:24,845 --> 00:07:26,175
Don't worry,
let's have some wine.
161
00:07:26,246 --> 00:07:27,776
I wanna toast
to something.
(SIGHS)
162
00:07:27,848 --> 00:07:28,918
Rob, I'm not
going to toast
with you.
163
00:07:28,982 --> 00:07:31,452
Mmm. White wine.
You love white wine.
164
00:07:31,519 --> 00:07:32,989
Okay, let's just
make a toast.
165
00:07:33,053 --> 00:07:34,563
On the count of three,
say whatever's in your heart.
166
00:07:34,622 --> 00:07:36,762
One, two, three.
167
00:07:36,824 --> 00:07:38,194
Death.
Intercourse.
168
00:07:45,265 --> 00:07:46,465
(VIOLIN PLAYING)
169
00:07:58,145 --> 00:08:00,475
Is that you, or
the wildflowers?
(LAUGHING)
170
00:08:01,414 --> 00:08:02,924
Shh.
What?
171
00:08:02,983 --> 00:08:04,123
I thought
I heard something.
172
00:08:04,184 --> 00:08:05,554
(STUTTERING)
Wait, what?
Shh!
173
00:08:05,619 --> 00:08:06,589
I think it's a bear.
174
00:08:06,654 --> 00:08:07,794
You stay here.
What?
175
00:08:07,855 --> 00:08:09,255
Stay here.
Rob, you don't need...
176
00:08:09,322 --> 00:08:10,692
I'll be back.
Why would you
go to the bear?
177
00:08:10,758 --> 00:08:11,958
I'll protect you!
178
00:08:13,594 --> 00:08:14,604
(SCREAMS)
Oh, my god.
179
00:08:14,662 --> 00:08:16,202
Rob!
It's a big bear!
180
00:08:16,263 --> 00:08:17,803
It's mauling me!
181
00:08:17,865 --> 00:08:19,825
Somebody help us,
he's getting
mauled by a bear!
182
00:08:19,900 --> 00:08:21,900
It's a bear!
It's a fucking bear!
What? Oh, my god...
183
00:08:21,969 --> 00:08:23,599
Somebody's
gotta help us!
184
00:08:23,671 --> 00:08:25,871
It's a bear!
185
00:08:25,939 --> 00:08:27,509
(LAUGHING)
It's a bear.
186
00:08:30,978 --> 00:08:32,708
Fuck you!
187
00:08:32,780 --> 00:08:34,210
Everything I do
188
00:08:34,281 --> 00:08:36,051
I do for you.
189
00:08:36,116 --> 00:08:38,646
I thought you were
being mauled
by a bear, Rob.
190
00:08:38,719 --> 00:08:40,819
I know.
You're so stupid.
Why do you...
191
00:08:40,888 --> 00:08:43,288
Look, he's got
a heart right here.
192
00:08:43,356 --> 00:08:44,856
'Cause I used
to love you.
193
00:08:44,925 --> 00:08:46,925
I don't want
your stupid bear.
194
00:08:46,994 --> 00:08:48,634
(SIGHS)
195
00:08:48,696 --> 00:08:50,596
(SOFTLY) I wish you
hadn't done that.
196
00:08:50,664 --> 00:08:52,134
Not much further,
197
00:08:53,166 --> 00:08:54,166
sweet pea.
198
00:08:56,303 --> 00:08:59,543
Oh! (SHUSHING)
What? What is it
the dead body?
199
00:09:00,507 --> 00:09:02,237
(WHISPERS) No...
What is it?
200
00:09:02,309 --> 00:09:03,739
You have to see this.
201
00:09:03,811 --> 00:09:05,681
Okay, what is it?
I can't see.
What is it?
202
00:09:05,746 --> 00:09:07,306
Jesus, Rob!
203
00:09:07,380 --> 00:09:09,450
They're doing it.
Yeah, they're
having sex. God...
204
00:09:09,516 --> 00:09:11,846
Do you remember
the last time
we had sex?
205
00:09:13,120 --> 00:09:14,520
Yeah, you farted
206
00:09:14,588 --> 00:09:15,788
and shit came out.
207
00:09:16,857 --> 00:09:19,057
Oh, yeah,
sorry about that.
208
00:09:19,126 --> 00:09:20,326
Can we go?
209
00:09:21,361 --> 00:09:22,731
Just one more minute.
No.
210
00:09:22,796 --> 00:09:24,526
Come on.
They're so young...
211
00:09:24,598 --> 00:09:26,398
Rob, no. I'm not
watching this.
212
00:09:26,466 --> 00:09:27,996
Rob!
213
00:09:29,002 --> 00:09:30,472
ROB: Okay,
don't open 'em.
214
00:09:30,537 --> 00:09:32,207
Rob, I swear
to God if this is...
No peeking.
215
00:09:32,272 --> 00:09:33,972
...another fucking...
(SHUSHING)
No peeking.
216
00:09:34,041 --> 00:09:35,541
...couple thing,
I'm going to kill you.
Now, listen.
217
00:09:35,609 --> 00:09:37,409
Before I show you,
I want you to know...
What?
218
00:09:37,477 --> 00:09:38,977
...this is going
to be very sad.
219
00:09:39,046 --> 00:09:40,206
Okay.
It's gonna be very sad,
220
00:09:40,280 --> 00:09:41,880
and you might need
some emotional support.
221
00:09:41,949 --> 00:09:43,879
Okay. Okay.
But, I'm right here.
222
00:09:44,852 --> 00:09:45,992
(WHISPERS)
There she is.
223
00:09:46,053 --> 00:09:47,123
Oh, my god.
224
00:09:47,187 --> 00:09:48,187
I know, it's so sad.
225
00:09:49,189 --> 00:09:51,089
No, that's
fucking amazing.
226
00:09:51,158 --> 00:09:52,788
Now, do you
want to cry?
Holy shit.
227
00:09:52,860 --> 00:09:54,190
I need to get
up there!
Wait, wait, wait.
228
00:09:54,261 --> 00:09:55,901
It's not really...
You're not supposed to...
229
00:09:55,963 --> 00:09:57,003
Look at her dress.
Look at her dress!
What?
230
00:09:57,064 --> 00:09:58,304
We're like
the same size.
231
00:09:58,365 --> 00:09:59,795
Rob, I could get
married in this dress!
232
00:09:59,867 --> 00:10:01,267
Think about it.
It's a great memory.
233
00:10:01,334 --> 00:10:02,344
What are you doing?
What are you talking about?
234
00:10:02,402 --> 00:10:04,142
You finally get me.
235
00:10:04,204 --> 00:10:05,874
Oh, my god, look at these.
I thought you were
going to be sad.
236
00:10:05,939 --> 00:10:07,509
I think you're
experiencing
the wrong emotion.
237
00:10:07,574 --> 00:10:08,814
Rob, this is what
I've been waiting
for from you!
238
00:10:08,876 --> 00:10:10,076
I just want to
comfort you.
239
00:10:10,143 --> 00:10:11,443
The fact that you're
so fucking edgy.
240
00:10:11,511 --> 00:10:12,981
My boyfriend,
he's not edgy,
241
00:10:13,046 --> 00:10:14,846
he doesn't get
me like you do.
I'm not edgy, either!
242
00:10:14,915 --> 00:10:16,115
Look! I'm wearing
a tank top.
243
00:10:16,183 --> 00:10:17,653
Rob, somebody
took her ring!
244
00:10:17,718 --> 00:10:18,748
Where is this
coming from?
245
00:10:18,819 --> 00:10:19,849
We have to find it!
246
00:10:19,920 --> 00:10:21,220
You're a gross person!
247
00:10:21,288 --> 00:10:22,588
If I find this ring,
248
00:10:22,656 --> 00:10:25,086
you're putting it
on my fucking finger.
249
00:10:25,158 --> 00:10:27,388
Rob! Wait!
I'm sorry
I ran into you!
250
00:10:32,465 --> 00:10:34,095
Daddy has to
go to work.
251
00:10:34,167 --> 00:10:37,167
MALE NARRATOR:
These are the words
that crush their hearts.
252
00:10:40,540 --> 00:10:42,280
I'll be back.
253
00:10:42,342 --> 00:10:43,412
Being alone for a dog,
254
00:10:43,476 --> 00:10:45,706
is an incomprehensible
nightmare.
255
00:10:45,779 --> 00:10:47,849
They see things
we cannot see.
256
00:10:47,915 --> 00:10:49,815
They hear things
we cannot hear.
257
00:10:49,883 --> 00:10:52,723
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
258
00:10:52,786 --> 00:10:54,016
DEMON 1: You'll
starve without him.
259
00:10:54,087 --> 00:10:55,317
DEMON 2: You will
starve here.
260
00:10:55,388 --> 00:10:56,418
It hurts to starve.
261
00:10:57,758 --> 00:10:58,858
You have tumors
in your body.
262
00:10:58,926 --> 00:11:00,026
They'll take you away
263
00:11:00,093 --> 00:11:01,703
and put you
in a cage!
264
00:11:02,529 --> 00:11:03,759
Kill yourself.
265
00:11:03,831 --> 00:11:05,301
They put your
mother to sleep.
266
00:11:07,334 --> 00:11:09,804
I almost forgot.
267
00:11:09,870 --> 00:11:11,070
MALE NARRATOR:
Don't leave your dogs
268
00:11:11,138 --> 00:11:12,868
in the hands of
the demons.
269
00:11:12,940 --> 00:11:14,070
Leave them dancing.
270
00:11:14,141 --> 00:11:16,741
The Beehive Gang
proudly presents
271
00:11:16,810 --> 00:11:18,280
Songs for Our Dogs.
272
00:11:18,345 --> 00:11:21,845
A collection of over 2,600
classic dog songs
273
00:11:21,915 --> 00:11:25,285
in a beautifully laminated
14 CD set.
274
00:11:28,856 --> 00:11:30,756
(UPBEAT SONG PLAYING)
275
00:11:36,096 --> 00:11:38,226
MALE NARRATOR: He loves it.
And why wouldn't he?
276
00:11:38,298 --> 00:11:41,328
He's listening
to the beautiful
dog songs
277
00:11:41,401 --> 00:11:42,771
of Ted Grazer,
278
00:11:42,836 --> 00:11:44,366
Lady Laverne,
279
00:11:44,437 --> 00:11:46,507
and the flower of
Boston himself,
280
00:11:46,573 --> 00:11:47,713
Dar'el.
281
00:11:47,775 --> 00:11:50,175
(SINGING UPBEAT SONG)
282
00:11:52,179 --> 00:11:54,609
MALE NARRATOR:
That pooch is
in paradise.
283
00:11:54,681 --> 00:11:56,751
(SINGING UPBEAT SONG)
284
00:11:56,817 --> 00:12:00,147
MALE NARRATOR:
Listen as masters of
the art of dog song
285
00:12:00,220 --> 00:12:03,460
sing all the classic d'ongs
you know so well.
286
00:12:03,523 --> 00:12:07,433
(SINGING UPBEAT SONG)
287
00:12:07,494 --> 00:12:10,604
MALE NARRATOR: With over
2,600 dog songs like
288
00:12:10,663 --> 00:12:11,803
Pumpkin Pearly.
289
00:12:11,865 --> 00:12:14,225
(SINGING UPBEAT SONG)
290
00:12:16,469 --> 00:12:17,839
Get That Ball.
291
00:12:17,905 --> 00:12:19,335
(SINGING UPBEAT SONG)
292
00:12:21,875 --> 00:12:23,675
(SINGING BALLAD)
293
00:12:23,743 --> 00:12:25,183
Oooh Ooh.
294
00:12:26,579 --> 00:12:27,979
Beautiful Day.
295
00:12:28,048 --> 00:12:31,078
(SINGING UPBEAT SONG)
296
00:12:31,151 --> 00:12:32,291
MALE NARRATOR:
You just did,
297
00:12:32,352 --> 00:12:34,962
by ordering Songs
for Our Dogs.
298
00:12:35,022 --> 00:12:36,692
Order within the
next five minutes
299
00:12:36,756 --> 00:12:38,286
and receive
an audio CD
300
00:12:38,358 --> 00:12:41,158
filled with hilarious
dog song bloopers.
301
00:12:41,228 --> 00:12:43,358
(STUTTERING) I'm
blocking the dog's...
302
00:12:43,430 --> 00:12:46,100
MALE NARRATOR: All this
for only seven easy payments
of $7.
303
00:12:46,166 --> 00:12:49,036
Or, pay it all right now
for $59.99.
304
00:12:49,102 --> 00:12:51,472
That's right,
for just $59.99
305
00:12:51,538 --> 00:12:53,338
you can leave
your dog anywhere,
306
00:12:53,406 --> 00:12:57,976
as long as it's listening
to Songs of Our Dogs.
307
00:13:03,450 --> 00:13:04,480
DEMONS: Go to him.
308
00:13:05,886 --> 00:13:07,146
MALE NARRATOR:
Show him you love him.
309
00:13:07,220 --> 00:13:09,520
You didn't even
notice I was gone.
310
00:13:09,589 --> 00:13:11,789
MALE NARRATOR:
Invite us into your home.
311
00:13:11,859 --> 00:13:14,389
We only go where
we're invited.
312
00:13:14,461 --> 00:13:15,461
Call now.
313
00:13:15,528 --> 00:13:17,398
555-0131.
314
00:13:17,464 --> 00:13:19,104
That's 555-0131.
315
00:13:19,166 --> 00:13:21,396
Again, that's 555-0131.
316
00:13:21,468 --> 00:13:24,338
You know it by heart.
Oh, thirteen one.
317
00:13:47,861 --> 00:13:49,901
Well, you were
very smart
to come to us.
318
00:13:49,963 --> 00:13:52,203
Mmm-hmm. 'Cause we
all been cheated on.
319
00:13:52,265 --> 00:13:54,725
I am the mother
of his fucking child.
320
00:13:54,801 --> 00:13:56,141
Yeah, twins!
321
00:13:56,203 --> 00:13:58,213
Mmm.
Shit, yeah,
you right. Twins!
322
00:13:58,271 --> 00:14:00,111
Mmm-hmm.
So, ya'll gonna
help me.
323
00:14:00,173 --> 00:14:01,443
You got the money?
324
00:14:02,642 --> 00:14:03,842
It's all here.
325
00:14:05,212 --> 00:14:06,612
Okay, so what's
the plan, ladies?
326
00:14:06,679 --> 00:14:08,019
We gotta find out
327
00:14:08,081 --> 00:14:11,021
what that motherfucker
loves the most
328
00:14:11,084 --> 00:14:12,894
and burn that shit
to the ground!
329
00:14:12,953 --> 00:14:15,963
Burn that nigger down
to the ground!
330
00:14:16,023 --> 00:14:18,093
We got a deal,
Miss Peaches?
331
00:14:18,158 --> 00:14:20,388
We got a deal.
(WOMEN AGREEING)
332
00:14:20,460 --> 00:14:21,930
Let's find this bastard
and let him know
333
00:14:21,995 --> 00:14:24,755
that The Burn Unit
is in the building!
334
00:14:24,831 --> 00:14:26,501
WOMAN: That's right!
335
00:14:48,721 --> 00:14:51,321
Suspect's eating
a three piece
and a biscuit.
336
00:14:51,391 --> 00:14:52,861
Stay on his ass!
337
00:14:52,926 --> 00:14:54,256
Ugh! I'm losing my mind!
338
00:14:54,327 --> 00:14:55,957
Oh, no, darling.
We're in charge.
339
00:14:56,029 --> 00:14:57,059
Listen, what you need?
340
00:14:57,130 --> 00:14:59,200
Pills? Weed?
A little coke?
341
00:14:59,266 --> 00:15:00,566
Give me a pill.
Okay.
342
00:15:12,545 --> 00:15:14,405
Son of a bitch
is buying condoms.
343
00:15:14,481 --> 00:15:16,781
Ten for a dollar
at the 98 cent store.
344
00:15:16,849 --> 00:15:18,249
Motherfucker!
345
00:15:18,318 --> 00:15:19,948
Who is he foolin'?
He ain't
gonna use 'em.
346
00:15:20,020 --> 00:15:21,420
No shit!
347
00:15:41,141 --> 00:15:42,541
All I know is
348
00:15:42,609 --> 00:15:43,909
I'm never gonna
check up on
my man again
349
00:15:43,977 --> 00:15:45,677
by just sniffing
on the dick.
350
00:15:53,853 --> 00:15:55,693
Hell no. Mmm-mmm.
351
00:15:59,892 --> 00:16:01,362
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
352
00:16:02,295 --> 00:16:04,025
Go!
That piece of shit
353
00:16:04,097 --> 00:16:05,427
is fucking a white
cracker bitch!
354
00:16:05,498 --> 00:16:08,438
(MOANING)
WOMEN: Oh, hell no!
355
00:16:08,501 --> 00:16:11,001
And the bitch got
fake titties. I can
see 'em from here.
356
00:16:11,071 --> 00:16:12,641
Hand me my
damn lighter!
357
00:16:12,705 --> 00:16:15,975
Get your asses
down here right now.
It's goin' down!
358
00:16:16,043 --> 00:16:17,483
Come on.
359
00:16:26,053 --> 00:16:27,453
Girl!
360
00:16:29,022 --> 00:16:30,592
(MOANING)
Shit!
361
00:16:30,657 --> 00:16:32,757
Looks like he's
ridin' a fat, white
rollercoaster.
362
00:16:32,825 --> 00:16:35,125
Oh, it's
making me ill.
363
00:16:35,195 --> 00:16:36,825
(MOANING)
364
00:16:36,896 --> 00:16:38,326
Let's hit it!
365
00:16:43,636 --> 00:16:45,636
WOMAN: Yeah, baby, hit
that shit! (GRUNTS)
366
00:16:45,705 --> 00:16:47,065
Hey!
(SCREAMS)
367
00:16:47,140 --> 00:16:48,710
Get the fuck
up off my man.
368
00:16:48,775 --> 00:16:50,275
SAMAD: Shit, get off me!
369
00:16:50,343 --> 00:16:52,353
Bitch, get your
motherfucking ass
out of here
370
00:16:52,412 --> 00:16:54,212
before I fuck you
the fuck up!
(SCREAMING)
371
00:16:54,281 --> 00:16:56,421
Pink pussy bitch!
372
00:16:56,483 --> 00:16:58,853
Black womens
got pink pussies, too.
373
00:16:58,918 --> 00:17:00,288
Better believe it.
374
00:17:00,353 --> 00:17:01,923
Who was that?
I don't know
that bitch!
375
00:17:01,988 --> 00:17:03,788
Well, your dick
seemed to know
her ass pretty good.
376
00:17:03,856 --> 00:17:06,526
When you fucks
with her, you fuck
with all of us.
377
00:17:06,593 --> 00:17:07,533
That's right.
378
00:17:07,594 --> 00:17:08,764
Peaches, I'm gonna
beat your ass.
379
00:17:08,828 --> 00:17:10,298
I don't think so.
380
00:17:11,898 --> 00:17:13,398
Peaches!
381
00:17:13,466 --> 00:17:15,896
Bitch, do your
thang, baby girl.
(WOMAN CHEERS)
382
00:17:15,968 --> 00:17:17,598
You know what, Samad?
383
00:17:17,670 --> 00:17:19,270
Fuck you!
384
00:17:19,339 --> 00:17:22,039
Fuck this
raggedy ass car.
Now, Peaches.
385
00:17:22,109 --> 00:17:25,039
Back the fuck up!
(INDISTINCT YELLING)
386
00:17:29,716 --> 00:17:32,016
(WOMEN CONTINUE YELLING)
387
00:17:32,085 --> 00:17:33,285
Stop it!
388
00:17:34,687 --> 00:17:36,087
Go on.
389
00:17:40,693 --> 00:17:41,693
Wait.
390
00:17:42,795 --> 00:17:43,795
I still love you, baby!
391
00:17:49,836 --> 00:17:52,806
No, no, no. Fuck!
392
00:17:52,872 --> 00:17:54,442
(CHEERS)
Bitches!
393
00:17:56,008 --> 00:17:58,548
(INDISTINCT YELLING)
394
00:17:59,312 --> 00:18:01,412
Burn, baby, burn!
395
00:18:08,788 --> 00:18:10,488
Take that, bitch.
396
00:18:10,557 --> 00:18:14,727
Come on, ladies. We have
another client today.
Hell ya!
397
00:18:14,794 --> 00:18:15,804
SAMAD: Bitches!
398
00:18:17,830 --> 00:18:19,770
Fuck am
I gonna do?
399
00:18:19,832 --> 00:18:20,832
God damn it!
400
00:18:35,382 --> 00:18:37,522
NARRATOR:
And now presenting
401
00:18:38,885 --> 00:18:40,015
the world premiere
402
00:18:40,086 --> 00:18:42,786
of a motion picture produced
403
00:18:42,855 --> 00:18:45,425
especially for
Funny or Die,
404
00:18:46,426 --> 00:18:48,796
the movie of the week.
405
00:18:49,696 --> 00:18:51,656
Tonight's movie,
406
00:18:51,731 --> 00:18:53,631
Sticky Minds.
407
00:19:08,815 --> 00:19:09,815
Here you go.
408
00:19:09,882 --> 00:19:11,352
You're welcome.
409
00:19:16,256 --> 00:19:17,716
Need anything else?
410
00:19:17,790 --> 00:19:19,890
Okay, great.
Come see us
again!
411
00:19:19,959 --> 00:19:21,559
Hey, guys, you can sit
wherever you want.
412
00:19:21,628 --> 00:19:22,828
Okay.
413
00:19:28,100 --> 00:19:30,470
Okay. There ya go.
Thank you.
414
00:19:32,138 --> 00:19:34,368
What to eat...
415
00:19:34,441 --> 00:19:36,811
Yum, yum,
yum, yum, yum.
416
00:19:36,876 --> 00:19:38,346
Tell you
what I'd like
to order,
417
00:19:39,846 --> 00:19:41,476
piece of that lovely
waitress over there.
418
00:19:41,548 --> 00:19:44,518
Aw, she's
a real doll.
(LAUGHS)
419
00:19:44,584 --> 00:19:46,924
I'm talkin' mother
fribblin' wife material
right there.
420
00:19:46,986 --> 00:19:48,986
Yes! Can you imagine?
421
00:19:49,055 --> 00:19:51,085
Oh, I'd kiss
the curl right
out of her.
422
00:19:51,157 --> 00:19:52,387
Oh, here
she comes!
423
00:19:54,627 --> 00:19:56,327
Hi, guys, you know
what you want?
424
00:19:58,064 --> 00:20:00,574
Uh...
(LAUGHS)
425
00:20:03,169 --> 00:20:04,269
Samuel, you go first.
426
00:20:04,337 --> 00:20:06,507
Nope. I defer
you please.
427
00:20:06,573 --> 00:20:08,813
Darn it. Okay, fine.
428
00:20:14,714 --> 00:20:17,824
Can you just go first?
(STUTTERING)
429
00:20:17,884 --> 00:20:20,324
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
430
00:20:22,121 --> 00:20:23,521
Okay...
431
00:20:30,096 --> 00:20:32,026
Phew...
432
00:20:32,098 --> 00:20:33,328
What do you
recommend?
433
00:20:34,301 --> 00:20:35,701
Pancakes?
434
00:20:35,768 --> 00:20:37,298
I love them.
435
00:20:37,370 --> 00:20:40,140
I love pancakes, too.
436
00:20:40,206 --> 00:20:42,106
Not as much as I do.
Know what?
437
00:20:42,174 --> 00:20:44,444
I'd like an order,
por favor.
Okay.
438
00:20:44,511 --> 00:20:46,681
I'll also have
an order,
439
00:20:46,746 --> 00:20:47,746
please.
440
00:20:47,814 --> 00:20:50,584
And I would like
to buy you an order,
441
00:20:50,650 --> 00:20:51,750
madame.
442
00:20:51,818 --> 00:20:55,418
Actually, I'd like
to buy you an order.
443
00:20:55,488 --> 00:20:57,058
On the house.
444
00:20:57,123 --> 00:20:59,333
Um, I'm fine, thank you.
445
00:20:59,392 --> 00:21:03,162
And on the house
would mean we would
be paying for it.
446
00:21:03,229 --> 00:21:05,099
You don't have to pay.
We can pay.
447
00:21:05,164 --> 00:21:07,074
We have money.
We have
448
00:21:07,133 --> 00:21:08,343
really good jobs.
449
00:21:10,770 --> 00:21:12,640
All right.
I will be back
450
00:21:12,705 --> 00:21:14,235
with your order.
Okay.
451
00:21:14,307 --> 00:21:15,507
Okay.
452
00:21:25,251 --> 00:21:26,521
Delicious.
453
00:21:26,586 --> 00:21:28,616
(LAUGHING)
Scrumptious.
454
00:21:34,361 --> 00:21:35,561
(GROANS)
455
00:21:38,230 --> 00:21:40,770
So, how'd you like
the pancakes?
456
00:21:40,833 --> 00:21:42,233
Oh, so good.
457
00:21:42,301 --> 00:21:44,341
So, so,
458
00:21:44,404 --> 00:21:45,614
so,
459
00:21:45,672 --> 00:21:46,742
so,
460
00:21:46,806 --> 00:21:48,576
so good.
461
00:21:48,641 --> 00:21:51,541
These are some
of the best cakes
462
00:21:52,244 --> 00:21:53,414
I've ever had.
463
00:21:53,480 --> 00:21:56,050
Hmm. They're
pretty good.
Yeah.
464
00:21:56,115 --> 00:21:57,715
These
465
00:21:57,784 --> 00:22:00,854
were the best
pancakes
466
00:22:00,920 --> 00:22:02,360
I've ever had
467
00:22:02,422 --> 00:22:03,792
in my whole
ding-dong life.
468
00:22:05,792 --> 00:22:06,792
Know what?
469
00:22:08,260 --> 00:22:10,030
Another order!
What?
470
00:22:10,096 --> 00:22:13,066
You son of a...
Make that two orders.
471
00:22:13,132 --> 00:22:14,872
You serious?
Yeah!
472
00:22:14,934 --> 00:22:16,404
More pancakes!
473
00:22:16,469 --> 00:22:18,439
Um, and
474
00:22:20,272 --> 00:22:22,682
you are very pretty.
475
00:22:22,742 --> 00:22:25,552
And I like your apron.
476
00:22:30,617 --> 00:22:32,017
(SOFTLY) Okay.
477
00:22:59,846 --> 00:23:01,046
(SNIFFLES)
478
00:23:01,981 --> 00:23:03,821
(FARTS)
479
00:23:15,127 --> 00:23:16,557
Okay, can I get
you guys anything...
480
00:23:17,830 --> 00:23:19,070
Is he okay?
He's fine.
481
00:23:21,100 --> 00:23:22,700
Can I ask you
a really quick
question?
482
00:23:24,370 --> 00:23:25,570
Sure.
483
00:23:27,974 --> 00:23:29,184
Will you marry me?
484
00:23:31,343 --> 00:23:33,513
No!
485
00:23:33,580 --> 00:23:35,880
(SCREAMING)
486
00:23:42,021 --> 00:23:44,321
Now, why in
the heck did you
go and do that?
487
00:23:44,390 --> 00:23:46,330
I was gonna
ask her for her
hand in marriage,
488
00:23:46,392 --> 00:23:48,532
but you snuck in
while I was taking
a pancake nap.
489
00:23:48,595 --> 00:23:49,695
That is no fair.
490
00:23:49,762 --> 00:23:51,662
That's not my fault.
491
00:23:51,731 --> 00:23:53,201
You snooze, you...
492
00:23:54,433 --> 00:23:55,603
Ow!
493
00:23:55,668 --> 00:23:56,738
Just...
No, no, no...
494
00:23:56,803 --> 00:23:57,873
You just...
No!
495
00:23:57,937 --> 00:23:59,137
Well, just...
No, no, no!
496
00:23:59,205 --> 00:24:00,635
Do you wanna...
(GROANING)
497
00:24:00,707 --> 00:24:02,267
Probably better
if you just...
No, no, no!
498
00:24:02,341 --> 00:24:04,041
I'm a doc...
No, no, no!
499
00:24:04,110 --> 00:24:06,480
Hmm. I'm sorry.
500
00:24:06,546 --> 00:24:08,276
I shouldn't have
501
00:24:08,347 --> 00:24:10,577
stabbed you with
my butter knife.
You know what?
502
00:24:10,650 --> 00:24:11,650
You know what?
503
00:24:11,718 --> 00:24:12,988
Pancakes are on me.
504
00:24:13,052 --> 00:24:15,322
Totally unnecessary.
(CLICKS TONGUE)
505
00:24:15,387 --> 00:24:17,017
I insist.
506
00:24:17,089 --> 00:24:18,959
Check, please.
507
00:24:19,025 --> 00:24:20,225
Take these.
508
00:24:21,293 --> 00:24:22,533
Quarters.
No.
509
00:24:27,867 --> 00:24:30,097
Thanks for dinner.
Hey,
510
00:24:30,169 --> 00:24:31,499
you're my best friend
511
00:24:31,571 --> 00:24:33,441
and it's your birthday.
512
00:24:33,506 --> 00:24:34,736
It's the least
I could do.
513
00:24:35,675 --> 00:24:37,575
Thank you
514
00:24:37,644 --> 00:24:38,854
for everything.
515
00:24:43,415 --> 00:24:44,915
Expensive.
Jeez.
516
00:24:46,418 --> 00:24:48,188
Gus,
517
00:24:48,254 --> 00:24:49,264
call the cops!
518
00:24:51,057 --> 00:24:52,257
One more bite.
519
00:25:26,693 --> 00:25:28,533
There's really
not much I can say.
520
00:25:35,134 --> 00:25:36,544
Thank you?
521
00:25:39,238 --> 00:25:40,238
You got anything?
522
00:25:41,373 --> 00:25:44,313
(WOMEN CHATTERING)
523
00:25:46,613 --> 00:25:48,313
(SIGHS) We'll see
you next week.
35101
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