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1
00:00:12,080 --> 00:00:15,120
I think the lesson
Lil Eric learned today
is that a role model
2
00:00:15,183 --> 00:00:16,423
in the hands
3
00:00:17,385 --> 00:00:19,745
beats two in prison. Huh?
4
00:00:19,820 --> 00:00:22,920
Fine. You made a hopscotch
drawing on the pavement,
5
00:00:22,990 --> 00:00:27,330
but it's just gonna be
washed away by the rain
anyway, so...
6
00:00:27,395 --> 00:00:28,925
It's all clear.
(ROARING)
7
00:00:28,996 --> 00:00:31,166
(SCREAMS)
8
00:00:31,232 --> 00:00:32,772
Do you need some help?
9
00:00:47,681 --> 00:00:51,151
(CHUCKLING) Hey,
look what happened.
10
00:00:51,219 --> 00:00:54,419
You were flipping
the channels or maybe
you left your TV on
11
00:00:54,488 --> 00:00:56,358
and, well,
what do you know?
Here you are.
12
00:00:56,424 --> 00:01:00,594
Right here at the beginning
of another Funny or Die
Presents.
13
00:01:00,661 --> 00:01:03,501
Hey, as long as you're here,
why don't you give it a try?
14
00:01:03,564 --> 00:01:05,274
It's always been
my attitude.
15
00:01:05,333 --> 00:01:08,173
Whether it's food
or travel or women,
16
00:01:08,236 --> 00:01:10,236
heck, just give it a try.
17
00:01:10,304 --> 00:01:12,274
Sure, you can get
food poisoning
or robbed
18
00:01:12,340 --> 00:01:14,070
or maybe
a venereal disease,
19
00:01:14,142 --> 00:01:16,342
but at least
you tried, right?
20
00:01:16,410 --> 00:01:17,580
What's the worst
that can happen here?
21
00:01:17,645 --> 00:01:20,745
You waste a few minutes
of your life?
22
00:01:20,814 --> 00:01:24,424
Come on. How much time
do you spend sitting
on the shitter every day?
23
00:01:24,485 --> 00:01:26,045
Really.
24
00:01:26,120 --> 00:01:27,490
You're welcome.
25
00:01:54,582 --> 00:01:57,082
NARRATOR: Tonight on
the Funny or Die Network...
26
00:01:57,151 --> 00:01:59,821
Tijuana Jackson,
27
00:01:59,887 --> 00:02:06,427
Death Hunt Part Two,
with Rob Huebel,
Rob Riggle and Paul Sheer.
28
00:02:06,494 --> 00:02:09,504
Also, Brick Novax's Diary.
29
00:02:09,563 --> 00:02:12,473
And Welcome to My Study.
30
00:02:25,179 --> 00:02:27,219
TIJUANA: Gotta see
my probation officer
in a few hours
31
00:02:27,281 --> 00:02:29,151
so I told my nephew
32
00:02:29,217 --> 00:02:31,417
to get out of school early
so I could celebrate his
birthday with him.
33
00:02:31,485 --> 00:02:34,655
You know, I'm just like
on this life coaching kick,
man. I've been trying...
34
00:02:34,722 --> 00:02:37,232
God damn!
Can I twitter
that shitter?
35
00:02:39,760 --> 00:02:41,730
God damn.
(CAMERA CLICKS)
36
00:02:41,795 --> 00:02:42,955
Man.
37
00:02:43,030 --> 00:02:46,000
It's like I'm on this
life coaching kick, man.
38
00:02:46,066 --> 00:02:49,736
Trying to be
a positive role model
for this motherfucker.
39
00:02:49,803 --> 00:02:50,803
Here he come.
40
00:02:52,240 --> 00:02:53,440
Come on, man!
41
00:02:54,575 --> 00:02:56,005
Nigger, if you get
in the front,
42
00:02:56,076 --> 00:02:58,176
how the fuck the camera
gonna see what I'm sayin'?
43
00:02:58,246 --> 00:02:59,446
No sense.
44
00:03:03,817 --> 00:03:04,887
You wanna drive?
45
00:03:04,952 --> 00:03:05,992
No.
46
00:03:06,053 --> 00:03:07,893
You sure?
Yeah.
47
00:03:09,089 --> 00:03:10,119
Who is this for?
48
00:03:10,190 --> 00:03:11,390
Open it and see.
49
00:03:14,328 --> 00:03:15,628
Like it?
50
00:03:15,696 --> 00:03:17,866
Yeah.
All right. All right.
51
00:03:17,931 --> 00:03:19,831
I need you to do
something for me
later, okay?
52
00:03:19,900 --> 00:03:21,370
All right.
53
00:03:21,435 --> 00:03:24,505
Look, man, if things go like
I think they gonna go,
54
00:03:24,572 --> 00:03:26,112
I'm gonna need me,
like, an assistant,
55
00:03:26,173 --> 00:03:27,683
you know what
I'm sayin'?
56
00:03:27,741 --> 00:03:29,411
If you get your grades right,
keep your head together,
57
00:03:29,477 --> 00:03:30,837
there might be
a little situation
where I can
58
00:03:30,911 --> 00:03:32,811
probably give you
some employment.
59
00:03:32,880 --> 00:03:35,220
'Cause I'm planning to really
stack up my clientele.
60
00:03:35,283 --> 00:03:37,523
Hey, put on your
seatbelt. Police.
61
00:03:38,519 --> 00:03:39,919
I don't have a seatbelt.
62
00:03:39,987 --> 00:03:43,917
Okay, well, just sit safe.
63
00:03:43,991 --> 00:03:48,331
God damn, man.
People just littering
in the street and shit.
64
00:03:48,396 --> 00:03:49,856
Hey, Eric,
clean this cup for me.
65
00:03:49,930 --> 00:03:51,670
Not now.
What do you mean
"not now"?
66
00:03:51,732 --> 00:03:53,472
I have to go.
Nigger, what you...
67
00:03:53,534 --> 00:03:55,144
Drink some fucking Shasta.
68
00:03:55,202 --> 00:03:57,642
Hey, hey, you gonna take
your numchucks in the house?
69
00:03:57,705 --> 00:03:58,905
No.
70
00:04:00,073 --> 00:04:01,413
Hey, big Eric.
71
00:04:02,476 --> 00:04:04,706
Why you all dressed up?
72
00:04:04,778 --> 00:04:06,748
Hey, I need to talk
to you for a second, T.J.
73
00:04:06,814 --> 00:04:09,384
Okay, if that's the people
from russianbrides.com,
74
00:04:09,450 --> 00:04:11,920
it's not my credit card.
Okay.
75
00:04:18,258 --> 00:04:20,888
You know what?
I need you to take
Lil Eric away.
76
00:04:20,961 --> 00:04:22,831
Not a problem.
Not a problem.
All right, thank you so much.
77
00:04:22,896 --> 00:04:25,596
You know what?
I'm gonna need about
$20 from you, though.
78
00:04:26,734 --> 00:04:27,874
Don't take him
to the racetrack.
79
00:04:27,935 --> 00:04:30,035
Don't take him
to the strip club.
80
00:04:30,103 --> 00:04:33,073
TIJUANA: Basically,
my sister married
a fucking idiot, okay?
81
00:04:33,140 --> 00:04:36,340
It's up to me to be
the positive role model
for this little motherfucker,
82
00:04:36,410 --> 00:04:38,310
'cause if I ain't, okay,
83
00:04:38,379 --> 00:04:40,709
well, he can end up,
you know what I'm sayin',
some kind of delinquent,
84
00:04:40,781 --> 00:04:42,721
little stupid-ass,
knuckle-head...
85
00:04:43,717 --> 00:04:44,947
You ready?
Yeah.
86
00:04:46,620 --> 00:04:48,620
I'm gonna take this cup.
87
00:04:48,689 --> 00:04:51,359
I'm gonna take this cup
with me in case I get thirsty.
88
00:04:51,425 --> 00:04:54,525
Let's just go.
89
00:04:54,595 --> 00:04:57,725
You keep rolling your eyes
I'm gonna slap you in the
back of your fuckin' head.
90
00:05:03,671 --> 00:05:04,941
TIJUANA: I bet you,
if you jump the fence,
91
00:05:05,005 --> 00:05:06,965
one of them motherfuckers
will start up.
92
00:05:08,342 --> 00:05:09,512
Where's my dad?
93
00:05:09,577 --> 00:05:11,847
Who the fuck
you talkin' to?
94
00:05:11,912 --> 00:05:15,522
Tone, boy.
I done told you
about that tone.
95
00:05:15,583 --> 00:05:17,423
Where you going?
To the bathroom.
96
00:05:17,485 --> 00:05:19,485
Take this cup with you.
No.
97
00:05:19,553 --> 00:05:22,993
Hey. Cut the cameras.
Lil Eric. Hey, Lil Eric.
98
00:05:23,056 --> 00:05:25,386
Lil Eric, hey, please.
Eric, please.
99
00:05:25,459 --> 00:05:28,899
Okay, hold up.
I'm gonna tell your mama
you're having sex.
100
00:05:30,464 --> 00:05:31,774
That's right.
With who?
101
00:05:31,832 --> 00:05:33,572
Uh-huh. When we was
in Walmart
102
00:05:33,634 --> 00:05:36,174
and we bet that Miley Cyrus
had more ass that
Hannah Montana
103
00:05:36,236 --> 00:05:37,636
and we shook on it.
104
00:05:37,705 --> 00:05:40,065
Later, when I smelled my hand,
I smelled vagina.
105
00:05:40,140 --> 00:05:41,580
That's right.
106
00:05:41,642 --> 00:05:47,182
Eric, okay. Lil Eric,
okay, okay, okay, look.
107
00:05:47,247 --> 00:05:49,377
Your daddy ain't gonna make it
to your birthday celebration
108
00:05:49,450 --> 00:05:50,950
'cause the nigger
got arrested, okay?
109
00:05:51,018 --> 00:05:52,148
For what?
110
00:05:52,219 --> 00:05:56,119
Selling dogs.
Nigger was downtown
selling dogs.
111
00:05:56,189 --> 00:05:58,989
I want a dog
for my birthday.
What kind?
112
00:05:59,059 --> 00:06:01,029
Dogs, Eric.
German shepherds,
mutts, Chihuahuas.
113
00:06:01,094 --> 00:06:03,504
It didn't matter.
The nigger was
sellin' dogs.
114
00:06:03,564 --> 00:06:05,074
Who was he sellin'
'em to?
115
00:06:05,132 --> 00:06:06,732
Who the fuck do you think
he was sellin' the dogs to?
116
00:06:06,800 --> 00:06:08,200
He was sellin' them dogs
to them goddamn Koreans.
117
00:06:08,268 --> 00:06:10,298
That's how they make that...
(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)
118
00:06:10,370 --> 00:06:13,010
I told him about
that shit. Okay?
119
00:06:14,908 --> 00:06:17,948
Man, don't go get
all emotional on me,
okay?
120
00:06:18,011 --> 00:06:21,451
I wasn't gonna say shit
and you got all Caruso on me.
121
00:06:30,724 --> 00:06:31,934
Hey!
122
00:06:33,494 --> 00:06:34,904
Happy birthday,
little nigger.
123
00:06:36,063 --> 00:06:37,063
I mean it.
124
00:06:43,737 --> 00:06:47,037
Good kid. That's why
I'm tough on him.
125
00:06:54,682 --> 00:06:57,182
I think the lesson
that we learned today...
126
00:06:57,250 --> 00:07:00,020
Okay, wait. Hold on. Okay.
127
00:07:00,087 --> 00:07:01,757
I think the lesson
that Lil Eric
learned today
128
00:07:01,822 --> 00:07:04,492
is that a role model
in the hand
129
00:07:05,459 --> 00:07:09,129
beats two in prison. Huh?
130
00:07:09,196 --> 00:07:11,926
Go wait for me in the car.
I'm gonna go see
my probation officer.
131
00:07:16,570 --> 00:07:20,870
No drinks inside.
Either drink it here
or throw it out.
132
00:07:20,941 --> 00:07:24,311
Oh. Can my little nephew
come inside with me?
133
00:07:24,377 --> 00:07:25,907
Hey, hey, Lil Eric.
134
00:07:48,936 --> 00:07:52,236
NARRATOR: And now,
presenting the world premiere
of the motion picture
135
00:07:52,305 --> 00:07:55,575
produced especially
for Funny or Die.
136
00:07:55,643 --> 00:08:00,083
Movie of the week.
Tonight's movie,
Death Hunt.
137
00:08:03,517 --> 00:08:06,087
This is the one time of year
we get to see each other.
138
00:08:06,153 --> 00:08:09,393
Flew everybody in
just to relax and kill
some animals.
139
00:08:09,456 --> 00:08:11,416
Go, go, go, Gervin.
140
00:08:11,491 --> 00:08:14,491
Did you just slip
your company's slogan
into casual conversation?
141
00:08:14,562 --> 00:08:16,162
Holy shit!
142
00:08:16,229 --> 00:08:17,259
(SCREAMING)
143
00:08:17,330 --> 00:08:18,470
Someone's shooting at us!
144
00:08:18,532 --> 00:08:19,972
Fire!
(MEN SCREAMING)
145
00:08:22,169 --> 00:08:23,369
MAN: How are we missing?
146
00:08:23,436 --> 00:08:24,366
Human scopes never miss.
147
00:08:24,437 --> 00:08:25,837
(TERRENCE SCREAMING)
148
00:08:25,906 --> 00:08:28,106
Just kill me and
save yourselves.
149
00:08:30,978 --> 00:08:31,978
That's good.
150
00:08:36,449 --> 00:08:38,519
(MEN GROANING)
151
00:08:38,586 --> 00:08:40,416
Okay, here's the plan.
152
00:08:40,487 --> 00:08:42,417
I'm gonna scout ahead,
try to find the highway.
You two, stay put.
153
00:08:42,489 --> 00:08:44,159
No, no, no.
154
00:08:44,224 --> 00:08:45,764
I got this Gervin GPS.
We can find the highway
that way.
155
00:08:45,826 --> 00:08:47,556
No, Lionel, no more
fucking gadgets.
156
00:08:47,628 --> 00:08:49,228
A gadget is a toy!
157
00:08:49,296 --> 00:08:51,026
A Gervin is a tool.
158
00:08:51,098 --> 00:08:52,268
I like that one.
159
00:08:53,734 --> 00:08:55,444
Fuck that! We need to
follow our instincts.
160
00:08:55,502 --> 00:08:56,902
You two, stay put.
161
00:08:58,305 --> 00:09:00,735
Little does he know,
that Gervin's unbreakable.
162
00:09:02,175 --> 00:09:03,175
I killed Terry.
163
00:09:04,477 --> 00:09:05,677
(SOFTLY) I know.
164
00:09:13,687 --> 00:09:15,757
(CLINKING)
(SCREAMING)
165
00:09:17,457 --> 00:09:19,227
A bear trap!
166
00:09:19,292 --> 00:09:22,562
Who uses these anymore?
167
00:09:22,630 --> 00:09:24,530
He's in trouble.
Let's go!
168
00:09:24,598 --> 00:09:26,498
And how did I
not see this?
169
00:09:26,566 --> 00:09:28,996
It's a huge device!
170
00:09:29,069 --> 00:09:31,169
(SCREAMING)
171
00:09:31,238 --> 00:09:35,238
Hey! Hey! Stop shooting
at me man. It's me.
172
00:09:36,076 --> 00:09:37,536
Wrong guy!
173
00:09:37,611 --> 00:09:40,081
Hey, I'm on your side.
174
00:09:40,147 --> 00:09:41,307
We had a deal.
175
00:09:41,381 --> 00:09:44,521
Is he a part of this?
Holy fucking shit, man.
176
00:09:44,584 --> 00:09:46,024
I left two of 'em down here.
177
00:09:46,086 --> 00:09:48,016
They're back
in the ravine.
178
00:09:48,088 --> 00:09:49,558
Wait a minute.
179
00:09:49,623 --> 00:09:51,733
Fucking blanks, man.
He set us up.
180
00:09:51,792 --> 00:09:55,102
He set us up?
Fucking set us up?
181
00:09:55,162 --> 00:09:56,862
I didn't even want
to go hunting!
182
00:09:56,930 --> 00:09:58,100
You know what
I wanted to do?
183
00:09:58,165 --> 00:10:00,025
I wanted to go
to fucking Dollywood
184
00:10:00,100 --> 00:10:03,140
and ride a log through.
What did you want to do?
185
00:10:03,203 --> 00:10:05,843
Take us out
to the fucking woods
and get us shot at!
186
00:10:05,906 --> 00:10:07,406
Guess what, Zeus?
187
00:10:07,474 --> 00:10:09,314
You're not the king
of this underworld
anymore!
188
00:10:09,376 --> 00:10:11,506
You're just a fish
and you're gonna get
eaten by a shark!
189
00:10:11,578 --> 00:10:13,548
A shark with
a fucking gun!
190
00:10:13,613 --> 00:10:16,053
Fuck you!
191
00:10:17,050 --> 00:10:18,050
I suck dick!
192
00:10:19,853 --> 00:10:22,193
I've been sucking
dick for years.
193
00:10:22,255 --> 00:10:24,755
Mainly glory holes
down in the Village.
194
00:10:27,194 --> 00:10:28,764
I'm gonna find out
what's going on.
195
00:10:28,829 --> 00:10:30,229
Hold my gun.
Yeah, I got it.
196
00:10:31,932 --> 00:10:35,972
(SHOUTING)
Help me! Help me!
197
00:10:36,036 --> 00:10:38,036
Somebody help me!
Oh, God,
I'm gonna help you.
198
00:10:38,105 --> 00:10:39,405
But you gotta
tell me the truth.
199
00:10:39,472 --> 00:10:41,112
What are you
talking about,
Lionel?
200
00:10:41,174 --> 00:10:42,114
Oh, fuck you.
201
00:10:42,175 --> 00:10:44,975
Wait, wait, come back.
Come back.
202
00:10:45,045 --> 00:10:49,015
The truth is, yes,
I finger-blasted your sister
in the eighth grade.
203
00:10:49,082 --> 00:10:50,252
Samantha?
204
00:10:51,919 --> 00:10:53,589
Oh. Is that not what
you wanted to hear?
No!
205
00:10:53,653 --> 00:10:55,123
Why are they shooting
arrows at us?
206
00:10:55,188 --> 00:10:56,288
Oh, that.
207
00:10:56,356 --> 00:10:58,486
(GROANS) Okay, Lionel.
208
00:10:58,558 --> 00:11:03,198
The truth is, this,
I said it was
a European razor.
209
00:11:03,263 --> 00:11:07,673
It's a bookie named
the European Razor.
210
00:11:07,735 --> 00:11:09,465
I'm totally
bankrupt, buddy.
211
00:11:09,536 --> 00:11:12,706
And some guy said
he would take care
of all of my debt
212
00:11:12,773 --> 00:11:15,613
if his rich friend could...
213
00:11:15,675 --> 00:11:16,805
Could what?
214
00:11:16,877 --> 00:11:19,307
If he could hunt you guys.
215
00:11:20,413 --> 00:11:21,983
Hunt us?
Yes.
216
00:11:22,049 --> 00:11:26,019
But I swear, he was
only supposed to kill
one of you, Lionel.
217
00:11:26,086 --> 00:11:29,016
He set me up, too.
Don't you see?
He's hunting me now.
218
00:11:29,089 --> 00:11:30,789
Please, you have
to help me.
219
00:11:30,858 --> 00:11:32,858
I'm your oldest
friend, Lionel.
220
00:11:32,926 --> 00:11:34,626
I'm sorry I made
fun of Gervin.
221
00:11:34,694 --> 00:11:36,104
I love Gervin.
Really?
222
00:11:36,163 --> 00:11:38,373
I got a great
Gervin slogan.
223
00:11:38,431 --> 00:11:40,901
Go Gervin!
224
00:11:40,968 --> 00:11:42,768
So simple.
How about this?
225
00:11:42,836 --> 00:11:44,466
Yeah! Gervin!
226
00:11:44,537 --> 00:11:49,107
It's for best friends,
like me and Lionel.
227
00:11:49,176 --> 00:11:51,436
Lionel, please,
you gotta get me
out of this.
228
00:11:51,511 --> 00:11:56,221
Please, Lionel,
don't let me die like
a dirty-ass bear.
229
00:11:57,450 --> 00:11:58,850
No!
230
00:12:04,191 --> 00:12:05,661
Good thing I brought
my Gervin wrench hammer.
231
00:12:05,725 --> 00:12:06,885
Okay.
You push up, okay?
232
00:12:06,960 --> 00:12:08,730
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay, here we go.
233
00:12:08,796 --> 00:12:10,696
Okay, it's loosening. Push.
Now?
234
00:12:10,764 --> 00:12:13,074
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
(GROANING)
235
00:12:13,133 --> 00:12:15,303
There we go, we got it.
My leg is loose. We got it.
236
00:12:32,752 --> 00:12:37,762
Well, well, well.
If it isn't the serpent,
the messenger of the devil.
237
00:12:38,826 --> 00:12:40,126
Well, I got a message
for the devil.
238
00:12:51,738 --> 00:12:53,808
Clay, I swear
it was an accident.
239
00:12:53,874 --> 00:12:55,244
These things
are dangerous.
240
00:12:57,177 --> 00:12:59,207
You know you have
a snake on your head,
Clay.
241
00:12:59,279 --> 00:13:02,179
There is no Clay,
only the serpent master.
242
00:13:05,385 --> 00:13:07,345
Great catch.
We got to go, buddy.
243
00:13:07,420 --> 00:13:10,990
We gotta move.
We gotta move this way,
buddy, this way.
244
00:13:14,727 --> 00:13:17,967
(PANTING)
245
00:13:19,232 --> 00:13:21,802
Hey! Hey, there's a cabin.
246
00:13:21,869 --> 00:13:23,469
They probably
got a phone.
247
00:13:23,536 --> 00:13:25,866
What? Where?
248
00:13:28,408 --> 00:13:29,408
Clay, freeze!
249
00:13:30,677 --> 00:13:33,247
Bear trap.
How did you
not see that?
250
00:13:33,313 --> 00:13:36,483
What's with all the
fucking bear traps, man?
251
00:13:36,549 --> 00:13:38,989
Check it out.
See if anybody's home.
252
00:13:44,791 --> 00:13:46,591
It's all clear.
(ROARING)
253
00:13:46,659 --> 00:13:48,359
(SCREAMING)
254
00:13:48,428 --> 00:13:49,728
Hey!
255
00:13:49,796 --> 00:13:51,456
Oh, a fucking bear!
256
00:13:51,531 --> 00:13:52,531
Do you need some help?
257
00:13:54,534 --> 00:13:56,344
No!
258
00:13:56,403 --> 00:14:00,143
Clay, stay right here.
I may or may not go
get help.
259
00:14:00,207 --> 00:14:02,277
Stay right here, buddy!
260
00:14:02,342 --> 00:14:05,052
I'll be back
maybe later on.
261
00:14:07,414 --> 00:14:11,224
I made it.
I made it.
I'm safe.
262
00:14:13,053 --> 00:14:15,123
You're not out
of the woods yet.
263
00:14:15,188 --> 00:14:16,388
Wait, wait, wait.
264
00:14:16,456 --> 00:14:19,326
It's over. All my
friends are dead.
265
00:14:19,392 --> 00:14:22,902
Yes, your friends are dead,
but not by my hand.
266
00:14:22,963 --> 00:14:26,073
I paid good money
to kill me some humans.
267
00:14:26,133 --> 00:14:27,573
What about the ranger?
268
00:14:27,634 --> 00:14:29,144
I did kill him,
but he was not
your friend.
269
00:14:29,202 --> 00:14:31,912
Oh, that is so little.
That is fucked up.
270
00:14:31,972 --> 00:14:34,212
Who the fuck are you?
271
00:14:48,989 --> 00:14:50,759
Ring a bell?
272
00:14:50,823 --> 00:14:53,093
Actually, no.
Seriously?
273
00:14:53,160 --> 00:14:54,660
What about the hair?
274
00:14:54,727 --> 00:14:56,397
No. That's what I'm saying.
I don't know who you are.
275
00:14:56,463 --> 00:14:58,703
Okay, I'll throw
a date out at ya.
276
00:14:58,765 --> 00:15:00,665
May 27, 2010.
277
00:15:01,501 --> 00:15:02,571
7:16 p.m.
278
00:15:02,635 --> 00:15:04,935
Parking lot.
Twin Pines Mall.
279
00:15:05,005 --> 00:15:06,435
You stole my spot.
280
00:15:06,506 --> 00:15:09,306
What, seriously?
Yeah, I'm fucking
dead serious!
281
00:15:09,376 --> 00:15:11,136
Serious as
childhood obesity.
282
00:15:11,211 --> 00:15:13,311
Okay, yes, childhood
obesity is very serious.
283
00:15:13,380 --> 00:15:16,480
There's five over-sized
parking spaces at that mall.
284
00:15:16,549 --> 00:15:18,219
I got there early.
285
00:15:18,285 --> 00:15:21,445
And you cut me off,
ran right into it with
your bullshit PT Cruiser!
286
00:15:21,521 --> 00:15:24,721
That's a cool car.
Well, you ruined
my life that night!
287
00:15:24,791 --> 00:15:26,291
I was on a girls night.
288
00:15:26,359 --> 00:15:29,599
Do you know
how rare that is
when you have kids?
289
00:15:29,662 --> 00:15:32,002
I was gonna go see
Sex and the City 2
with my girlfriends!
290
00:15:32,065 --> 00:15:34,665
It was my night
to be a Carrie.
291
00:15:34,734 --> 00:15:37,874
I missed the first
10 minutes because
of you.
292
00:15:37,937 --> 00:15:42,037
You ruined my
Sex and the City 2
virginity!
293
00:15:42,109 --> 00:15:45,609
Took it right
from my ass.
294
00:15:45,678 --> 00:15:47,878
So I was sitting there
in the theater,
295
00:15:47,947 --> 00:15:53,787
trying to imagine
what my Carrie looked like
in those first 10 minutes
296
00:15:53,853 --> 00:15:59,893
and I thought to myself,
"Okay. I can kill myself
or I can kill you."
297
00:15:59,959 --> 00:16:01,859
Guess what I chose?
298
00:16:01,928 --> 00:16:03,658
So I went outside,
299
00:16:03,730 --> 00:16:06,570
looked at your goddamn car,
took down the license plate,
300
00:16:06,633 --> 00:16:08,303
had it tattooed
301
00:16:08,368 --> 00:16:12,608
on my fucking labia
so my husband wouldn't
see it.
302
00:16:12,672 --> 00:16:15,782
The next eight months,
I followed you everywhere,
303
00:16:15,842 --> 00:16:19,052
lived under your bed
for two months,
ate your food,
304
00:16:19,112 --> 00:16:22,882
took shits in your toilet,
left them there.
305
00:16:22,949 --> 00:16:25,019
(LAUGHING)
So get ready.
306
00:16:25,085 --> 00:16:27,915
Say goodbye
to your fucking
balls, man.
307
00:16:27,987 --> 00:16:30,457
I'm gonna fucking kill you!
308
00:16:30,523 --> 00:16:31,563
(GROANS)
309
00:16:32,592 --> 00:16:33,692
Fuck.
310
00:16:34,661 --> 00:16:36,731
Seriously? A dart?
311
00:16:36,796 --> 00:16:38,196
(DART BEEPING)
312
00:16:47,040 --> 00:16:48,440
(LAUGHING)
313
00:16:50,043 --> 00:16:52,413
It was me.
314
00:16:52,479 --> 00:16:55,849
Gervin exploding
blow dart. It will
blow you away.
315
00:16:55,915 --> 00:16:57,175
(BOTH LAUGHING)
316
00:16:57,250 --> 00:17:00,120
Oh, thank God.
Thank Gervin.
317
00:17:00,187 --> 00:17:02,987
That's it. That's it.
318
00:17:03,056 --> 00:17:04,356
Write that one down.
319
00:17:05,458 --> 00:17:06,758
What happened
to Clay?
320
00:17:06,826 --> 00:17:09,026
Oh, he got killed
by a guy in a bear suit.
321
00:17:09,096 --> 00:17:11,496
Oh, that's a bummer.
322
00:17:11,564 --> 00:17:12,774
Yeah.
323
00:17:34,254 --> 00:17:36,464
(HELICOPTER WHIRRING)
324
00:18:11,124 --> 00:18:15,264
BRICK: My name,
Brick Novax.
325
00:18:23,069 --> 00:18:25,469
I'm known for two things.
326
00:18:25,538 --> 00:18:32,308
My many heroic exploits
and my legendary
prodigious substance intake.
327
00:18:32,379 --> 00:18:35,549
Now, with two weeks
left to live,
328
00:18:35,615 --> 00:18:38,045
I've holed up here
in the Clyde Motel
329
00:18:38,117 --> 00:18:42,257
to record my memories
and preserve my legacy.
330
00:18:42,322 --> 00:18:44,122
This is my life.
331
00:18:44,191 --> 00:18:47,891
This is Brick Novax's diary.
332
00:19:00,106 --> 00:19:01,366
(TAPE RECORDER CLICKING)
333
00:19:04,010 --> 00:19:05,480
(TAPE REWINDING)
334
00:19:08,348 --> 00:19:11,278
Testing one, two, one, two.
335
00:19:11,351 --> 00:19:13,591
Yet another entry
in my diary.
336
00:19:13,653 --> 00:19:17,123
I wanna talk about
some time ago when
I got married
337
00:19:17,190 --> 00:19:18,830
and went
full on suburban.
338
00:19:18,891 --> 00:19:22,461
Of course, our story
starts in a bar.
The Blotto Grotto.
339
00:19:22,529 --> 00:19:26,129
Hi. I'm Sophia.
I like your mustache.
340
00:19:26,199 --> 00:19:30,099
Thanks. I've had it
since birth.
341
00:19:30,169 --> 00:19:33,169
NOVAX: I couldn't help
but give her the old Novax
knee-vax.
342
00:19:33,240 --> 00:19:34,940
That's three fingers
on the knee
343
00:19:35,007 --> 00:19:37,607
with one left over
as a viper ready
to strike.
344
00:19:37,677 --> 00:19:41,707
She ordered a Panther's Fang,
which I immediately spilled.
345
00:19:41,781 --> 00:19:43,851
After drinking a record
17 Eye-Openers,
346
00:19:43,916 --> 00:19:46,446
I uncharacteristically
lost my dinner.
347
00:19:49,289 --> 00:19:51,319
Within an hour
we were married.
348
00:19:51,391 --> 00:19:54,661
We immediately bought
a house in the suburbs.
I cleaned up my act
349
00:19:54,727 --> 00:19:56,297
and did all
the suburban things.
350
00:19:56,363 --> 00:19:59,533
I read the newspaper.
I smoked a pipe.
351
00:19:59,599 --> 00:20:01,299
I won a tennis trophy.
352
00:20:01,368 --> 00:20:03,798
I drank watered down
sugary cocktails.
353
00:20:03,870 --> 00:20:05,840
I even got a dog.
354
00:20:05,905 --> 00:20:10,905
Turns out the dog was a wolf,
responsible for the deaths
of several people.
355
00:20:10,977 --> 00:20:13,277
I couldn't stay
straight for long.
356
00:20:13,346 --> 00:20:15,176
You're taking all
that garbage again?
357
00:20:15,248 --> 00:20:17,718
Garbage? This shit
costs a fortune.
358
00:20:17,784 --> 00:20:20,424
Well, clean up.
My father will be
here any minute.
359
00:20:20,487 --> 00:20:22,487
NOVAX: Her father
was Skip Michaels.
360
00:20:22,555 --> 00:20:25,255
The triplet brother
of Trip and Flip Michaels.
361
00:20:25,325 --> 00:20:29,055
He owned a pre-owned
Pinto dealership on
the outskirts of town.
362
00:20:29,128 --> 00:20:34,368
So, Brick, tell me what
kind of business prospects
do you have lined up?
363
00:20:34,434 --> 00:20:37,474
Business? Well, there's
my usual monkey business.
364
00:20:37,537 --> 00:20:40,237
And, of course,
giving your daughter
the business end of my...
365
00:20:40,307 --> 00:20:42,167
Brick!
That's my name.
366
00:20:42,241 --> 00:20:43,681
Do wear it out.
367
00:20:43,743 --> 00:20:45,913
You should come and work
for me at the dealership.
368
00:20:45,978 --> 00:20:49,178
I'll make a real man
out of you, an earner.
369
00:20:49,248 --> 00:20:50,848
I'd rather be a burner.
370
00:20:50,917 --> 00:20:52,047
Right.
371
00:20:52,118 --> 00:20:53,748
Uh, honey,
what's for dinner?
372
00:20:53,820 --> 00:20:56,920
I'm making your favorite,
Daddy. Dolphin risotto.
373
00:20:56,989 --> 00:20:58,159
What the fuck?
374
00:20:58,224 --> 00:20:59,864
It's great.
375
00:20:59,926 --> 00:21:02,526
You get fresh dolphin
in these little baggies
down in Korea Town.
376
00:21:02,595 --> 00:21:06,565
NOVAX: Right then and there
I realized this suburban
life wasn't for me.
377
00:21:06,633 --> 00:21:10,103
All this blandness
and boredom and ignorance.
378
00:21:10,169 --> 00:21:12,169
I did what anyone would do.
379
00:21:12,238 --> 00:21:15,008
I immediately stole
a motorcycle and hightailed
it out of there.
380
00:21:25,852 --> 00:21:29,762
You gotta know who you are,
but you also gotta know
who you aren't
381
00:21:29,822 --> 00:21:32,462
Don't let anybody box you
into a box that ain't your bag
382
00:21:32,525 --> 00:21:34,385
if it ain't your bag.
383
00:21:34,461 --> 00:21:37,831
Or the box you may find
yourself in could be made
of pine.
384
00:21:37,897 --> 00:21:39,527
Dig?
385
00:21:39,599 --> 00:21:43,899
Until next time,
this is Brick Novax's diary.
386
00:21:52,144 --> 00:21:53,614
(PLAYING SAXOPHONE)
387
00:22:13,766 --> 00:22:18,606
* I have seen things
388
00:22:18,671 --> 00:22:23,811
* Things I just choose
not to talk about
389
00:22:25,277 --> 00:22:29,517
* Things that
only seem to frighten
390
00:22:29,582 --> 00:22:33,322
* And offend most everybody
391
00:22:33,386 --> 00:22:37,686
* Welcome to my study *
392
00:22:42,795 --> 00:22:43,995
Hi.
393
00:22:45,097 --> 00:22:47,097
And welcome to my study.
394
00:22:49,201 --> 00:22:50,771
My name is Mitchell.
395
00:22:54,073 --> 00:22:57,613
You're always welcome to enjoy
the things that I've found.
396
00:22:57,677 --> 00:23:00,607
I'm lonely and
I collect things.
397
00:23:02,048 --> 00:23:05,178
Fine, you've made a hopscotch
drawing on the pavement,
398
00:23:05,251 --> 00:23:08,561
but it's just gonna be
washed away by the rain
anyways.
399
00:23:08,621 --> 00:23:12,531
Well, let's see what
I've found inside
my study drawers.
400
00:23:19,566 --> 00:23:21,126
It's a...
MAN: Hand grenade.
401
00:23:24,203 --> 00:23:27,643
Oh, I'd be pretty sleepy
if I drank all of that.
402
00:23:28,508 --> 00:23:29,908
That was fun.
403
00:23:29,976 --> 00:23:32,876
So what else is inside
my study drawers?
404
00:23:37,884 --> 00:23:40,424
It's...
MAN: An M16 assault rifle.
405
00:23:40,487 --> 00:23:42,787
(RIFLE FIRING)
I'll pin a couple feathers
on my arms
406
00:23:42,855 --> 00:23:46,585
(STUTTERING)
and flap away
the loneliness.
407
00:23:47,359 --> 00:23:49,359
Who knew that was there?
408
00:23:49,428 --> 00:23:52,568
So what else is inside
my study drawers?
409
00:23:58,170 --> 00:24:01,540
It's strips of...
MAN: The M24 sniper
weapon system.
410
00:24:03,610 --> 00:24:05,110
(MAN SHOUTS)
411
00:24:06,946 --> 00:24:09,816
If God could
grant me one wish
412
00:24:09,882 --> 00:24:13,152
it would be to spend
more time with you.
413
00:24:13,219 --> 00:24:16,359
* I have seen things
414
00:24:16,422 --> 00:24:17,892
(BOMBS EXPLODING)
415
00:24:17,957 --> 00:24:23,097
* Things I just choose
not to talk about
416
00:24:23,162 --> 00:24:24,962
(MACHINE GUNS FIRING)
417
00:24:25,031 --> 00:24:28,771
* Things that only
seem to frighten
418
00:24:28,835 --> 00:24:32,435
* And offend most everybody
419
00:24:32,505 --> 00:24:37,275
* Welcome to my study *
420
00:24:37,343 --> 00:24:38,553
(MACHINE GUNS FIRING)
421
00:24:51,658 --> 00:24:53,928
Hey, we tried.
422
00:24:53,993 --> 00:24:55,393
Maybe we didn't
quite pull it off,
423
00:24:55,461 --> 00:24:58,061
but we're coming back
next week to try it again.
424
00:24:58,130 --> 00:25:02,130
There's always the chance
we're gonna get it right
one of these times.
31637
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