Original subtitles

(CLANGING)

Solid brass. I lost mine 20 years ago.

What happened?

A butt-fucking contest.

Preaching to the choir.

He had three balls. I swear to God.

Ew.

Two is already a lot of balls.

Look what I found.

No!

No!

No!

And I'll say it like this,

"Bananas!"

(MUZAK PLAYING)

(TYPEWRITER CLACKING)

You know, when I was a young man, the world of television and film seemed

a million miles away.

Hollywood was an emerald city too magical to be real,

where beautiful people lived out romantic lives so the rest of us

could dream.

Who dared to pass through its gates or step upon its red carpets.

China may have had its Forbidden City, but we had

Hollywood.

Of course, that's all over now, though.

The barbarians are at the gates.

Cameras follow sluts and drug addicts around and call it television.

Giant billboards hovering over Sunset Boulevard that once advertised

the latest Rock Hudson picture

now promote cheap crap like The Real Housewives of Denver

and My Dog's a Queer.

And do you think the executives who greenlit this shit could care less?

Of course not.

Well, Funny or Die cares.

We make original programming every day on our website and here on our television show.

Sure, it's no Rock Hudson movie, but it's original stuff.

Sort of like the old Hollywood.

Before everything went into the shitter.

FEMALE NARRATOR: (SIGHS) Tonight on Funny or Die Presents

Do You Want to See a Dead Body? with Rob Huebel,

Ben Schwartz, Terrible Decisions,

United States Police Department

and Brick Novax's Diary.

(METAL DETECTOR SCANNING)

Hey!

Deepak!

Hey, Rob. How's it going?

Good. You having fun at the beach?

Yeah. Good to see you.

Aw, man. I'll be honest with you.

I was having a great day, and then my day just got really shitty.

What happened?

ROB: Well, I was hanging out with this guy that I thought was Tom Cruise.

Turns out it wasn't Tom Cruise at all.

Fake Tom Cruise. Exactly.

And it was such a bummer, man, because I had all this stuff planned.

I was gonna take him

to go see a dead body.

I've seen dead bodies all my life. You know I'm a doctor?

Oh, yes. Yes, of course.

I started my career with a dead body

and my first diagnosis was also a dead body.

What did you tell the dead body?

I said, "Your soul has left."

Wow, that seems profound.

Well, you don't seem to have much going on.

Do you want to see a dead body?

So, it's not too far away. It's just up here a little bit.

Let me tell you something.

Just so you're ready.

It's supposed to be fucking gross.

(GIGGLES)

I think one thing you can learn from a dead body is about

the impermanence of our existence.

You know, the Buddha said, "This lifetime of ours

"is transient like autumn clouds.

"To watch the birth and death of beings is like looking at the movements of a dance."

I'm gonna cut you off for just a second.

Keep an eye out for some pussy.

(GIGGLES)

Look at those ocean waves.

You know, they've been doing this forever, for all of eternity.

A few years from now, you and I will be dead bodies,

those ocean waves will be doing the same thing as they're doing now.

Oh, this is boring already.

WOMAN: Oh, my gosh, Dr. Chopra?

Hi, how are you? Hi!

I am your biggest fan. I've read all your books and they have touched my life.

Then come sit here

and talk to my friend. No, no, no.

He's really depressed.

We don't have time for your bullshit. Hit the road.

DEEPAK: She could have helped you.

ROB: I don't know what that means.

DEEPAK: See, my treatment is spiritual, hers could be physical.

ROB: I have no idea what the fuck you're talking about.

DEEPAK: I'm trying to give you insight because you're depressed and you have

this obsesssion to see dead bodies because they probably remind you of your numbness.

ROB: Are you just making this shit up? 'Cause that makes no sense at all.

(LAUGHING)

ROB: Oh, God.

This was a mistake.

I'm so sorry, I'm so embarrassed.

I'm so happy for you.

When you're sad, when you cry, when you laugh, when you have sorrow in your heart,

then you're living.

Now we can see the difference

between life,

and death.

Thank you, Deepak.

Thank you so much.

If you don't mind,

could I have a moment alone

with the body?

MAN: Hey, Rob, I, uh, just wanted to apologize

for that misunderstanding earlier.

Didn't mean anything by it.

Get the fuck out of here, Danny.

I just want you to get in there,

give 'em the case, make the drop, and get 'em to open it.

Then we got 'em. Now,

if you get into a jam and some shit goes down we should have a safe word, okay?

Bananas!

And I'll say it like this,

"Bananas!"

When I say it, you jump right in...

How about "gentlemen"? "Gentlemen."

I said it with you, "gentlemen."

"Gentlemen." "Gentlemen" it's gonna be.

Good. So if you hear me say "gentlemen,"

you know what to do.

Terrific. Okay. Right, give me the case.

Yeah.

(SIGHS)

Okay. Hey, what are you doing? Don't open it!

It's rigged. It's booby-trapped so that when they open it,

they got a surprise coming, all right?

It's rigged with what?

Just an ink pad. When it opens, boom! They're tainted. Blue paint all over 'em.

So, what happens if I just open...

No, no, no!

I just wanna make sure the ink pack is in there.

No, no. You can't open it "a little bit."

You know, it feels light. You know it feels light.

Okay, okay. Just leave it be, will you?

We're ready. We're ready.

I'm not gonna open it. I'm not gonna open it. Let's go.

Let's go.

All right. He's ready to rock and roll.

(KNOCKING ON VAN DOOR)

(CHATTERING ON POLICE RADIO)

I'm not gonna let you down, okay?

Good luck, kid. I'm not gonna let you down.

Wait, wait, wait.

Yeah, just keep that.

Just keep that. Yeah, I'll do that.

(DOOR UNLATCHES)

Bananas.

(TOILET FLUSHING)

He had three balls. I swear to God.

Ew.

Two is already a lot of balls.

I know. And the weirdest thing, is he was like super into it.

And he didn't want to tell his doctor,

'cause he thought they would, like, tie him down and take it, or something.

What did it look like?

It was, like, smaller, but like

a prickly garbanzo bean.

Why was it prickly?

I think it was just, you know, it was

hard for that delicate skin to grow hair.

Oh.

Oh.

I mean, I didn't want to make him feel weird about it.

I don't know, I didn't ask.

But there was just one dick, right?

Yeah, I think I would have opened with,

"I was with a guy who had two dicks."

Yeah, I guess. Yeah.

(CHATTERING ON POLICE RADIO)

DET. PHUK: How many people are there in this room that are dead?

Four. And how many are alive?

SGT. REEVES: I don't usually count how many there are alive unless it's a...

DET. PHUK: Well, see, these are the details we gotta figure out.

Sorry I'm late.

Visiting my son in the hospital.

What do we got?

Four males, one female, all killed about 12 hours ago.

Their buttholes cut out of their bodies.

Looks like they were in a hurry.

Gotta cut the butthole out before rigor mortis sets in.

Otherwise you can't transplant it to another person.

Transplant?

It's the latest trend in organ harvesting.

Courtesy of the Russian Triad Costa Nostras.

The regular folks can take years to find a donor.

Rich folks don't like waiting.

Some people would give their left nut for a pucker like that.

So, they hire an anal coyote who sneaks them into this country with promises of

a safe and profitable prune switch.

Why pay for a new chili spigot when you can just commit murder and get one for free?

(SQUISHING)

Hey, Reeves, remind you of anything?

College.

Any clues?

Not a one. Been over this whole place with a fine-toothed comb.

(SIGHS)

(CHATTERING ON POLICE RADIO)

Wait a minute.

Think I got something.

1234 Business Street.

That's in the Building District.

Maybe they can pencil us in. Here's hoping.

MAN: Yeah, I recognize that box.

A couple of Russians came by last week. They bought a bunch of them.

They were real creeps.

How so?

Uh, one of them, the leader, he kept looking at my Chinese throwing star.

But he was barking up the wrong tree.

Yeah, why's that?

(CLANGING)

Solid brass. I lost mine 20 years ago.

What happened?

A butt-fucking contest.

Preaching to the choir.

Hey, any idea where they went?

Yeah, they said something about renting the warehouse next door.

Thanks, Eddy.

No problem. All right, move them all back onto the truck.

Looks like we got a date with some Russians.

Put your lipstick on.

Well, that commute wasn't so bad.

(SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN)

United States Police Department!

Everybody put your hands up!

Assholes down!

(GUN CLICKS)

(GUN CLICKS)

(WHISPERS) Fuck!

God damn it.

(PANTING)

(GRUNTS)

(GROANS)

(LAUGHING)

What's so funny?

You can't touch me.

I have diplomatic immunity.

Is that right?

Well, I've never been very diplomatic myself.

Look what I found.

No.

No!

No!

Diplomatic immunity?

Yeah.

Wait here.

There's something I gotta take care of.

Hi, Daddy.

Hey, kiddo.

Got you a present.

Is it a new butthole?

Yeah.

Yeah, it's a new butthole.

Everything's gonna be all right, buddy.

I love you, Daddy.

(SNIFFS)

I love you, too, Son.

I love the shit out of you.

(SNIFFS)

Hey. I ever tell you the story about the wizard with a new butthole?

Tonight, climate change.

Is it, in fact, getting warmer up in this bitch?

Plus, should pussies be allowed to get married?

Juggalo News starts right now.

(GUITAR ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

You're watching Juggalo News,

the only news source specifically for fans of Insane Clown Posse.

I'm Krazee Thug Nutz.

With the Kyoto Treaty set to expire in early 2012,

is there still a legitimate need

to slap CO2 emissions with our dicks?

Joining us now to discuss this issue is acclaimed geophysicist

Professor Richard Ghostanus.

Thank you for having me.

Professor Ghostanus, in your estimation

is climate change a serious threat?

Very serious, indeed.

And I've got the facts to back that shit up.

In the last two decades, global temperatures have risen from "a'ight"

to "fucked up the ass."

It's currently projected that by 2045, we'll be "fucked up the ass with a chainsaw."

Now, if we take measures to curb these trends,

we can prevent a disaster like being fucked up the ass, mouth, and ears

with three chainsaws.

And a dick.

So, how can we, as a society, stab these trends in the throat?

It's simple. Exploring alternative forms of energy.

You mean like windmills and shit?

Exactly.

Now, Professor, your findings have provoked a fair amount of skepticism

among several prominent critics. Take a look at this.

Hey, yo, this Krunt. Just want to say, global warming is a myth.

Professor Ghostanus is a liar.

He's got pussy for balls.

What? What? What? Clown!

Strong words. How do you respond to that?

Well, look.

Global warming isn't a myth.

It's a very serious problem with serious ramifications for the earth.

And if I may touch on his second point,

my balls are made of grenades.

So I would ask that the gentleman suck on them

and get his mouth exploded.

Well, Professor, thanks for bringing the wicked shit.

No doubt, fuckles.

And that's, uh, about gonna do it for us.

Let's see what Murderbitch has on tap for tomorrow.

Murderbitch? Thanks, Krazee.

I've got seven useful tips on getting mad skinny

so your husband don't divorce your ass.

All this and some other shit on

Wake Up, Muthafukka, tomorrow 9:00, 8:00 Central.

Why don't you come sit in my lap?

We'll talk about the first thing that pops up.

(LAUGHS)

NARRATOR: My name,

Brick Novax.

I'm known for two things:

my many heroic exploits

and my legendary, prodigious substance intake.

Now, with two weeks left to live

I've holed up here in the Clyde Motel

to record my memories,

and preserve my legacy.

This is my life.

This is...

(READING)

(TAPE RECORDER CLICKING)

(TAPE REWINDING)

Testing. One, two. One, two.

This is another entry in my diary.

I want to talk about some time ago when

I got blasted into space to observe a supernova.

I had been recruited by the American Coalition for Intergalactic Development,

as I was only one of ten people on the planet with the ultra-rare blood type

H.O. Posi-negative,

famous for its high radiation tolerance.

My mission, observe a supernova.

(IN COMPUTER VOICE) Hello, Brick Novax. My name is Beautak-7.

Pleasure's mine, space lady.

I am the physical embodiment of what you call a supernova.

You look like a super-"yes"-va to me.

What?

You want a sip of this?

What is it?

Space scotch.

NOVAX: I rewired the cooling apparatus to make a still

and brewed up a crude batch.

Come on. I've got some more in the living area.

(LOUNGE MUSIC PLAYING)

You are fantastic, baby.

Fantastic?

I can feel your vibrations from here.

I've never felt like this before.

I'm not supposed to have these, these...

They're called feelings, baby.

Half of that's the scotch.

And half of that's from a healthy dose of vitamin Novax.

* Hey, gray skies We want you to go away

* Please, be gone Don't come again another day

* You've caused us so much sadness

* Sunshine, all we ever wanted was

* Sunshine, all we ever wanted was some

* Sunshine

* Sunshine *

So.

So.

Well, I

guess I'd better be going.

Yeah, that's probably good.

I think I love you, Brick Novax...

(EXPLOSION)

I never got a chance to tell her I loved her.

(SIREN BLARING)

My rocket crashed back to Earth.

I was checked into the Moab Institute for Private Rehabilitation.

I had to play chess against Death to win my life back.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

They pumped me full of a gallon a day of the finest narcotics money could buy.

I asked about Beautak-7.

But the doctors said my rocket

never even left the ground.

Traumatic? You betcha, palominos.

But it was also the first time I'd ever experienced love.

Sometimes life deals you both extremes of the spectrum

so you can drink up everything the universe has to offer.

That's it for this entry

of Brick Novax's diary.

(PLAYING SAXOPHONE)

Guys, I'm in a real jam.

I have to find the perfect outfit for tonight.

Let's do it as a team!

BEN: As a team?

Okay!

(UPBEAT POP MUSIC PLAYING)

And then...

(BLOWING RASPBERRIES)

* Tonight

* I'm gonna make a big impression

* Tonight

* All their heads will turn

* They'll pick me up and put me on their shoulders

* I'll spread my wings and soar just like a bird

* I'll look fantastic

(SCREAMING)

* I'll look amazing

* They'll love my style

Oh, baby!

I did it!

* I'm flying high I can almost touch the sky *

Sorry for your loss.

So sorry.

(ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING)

Well, from Funny or Die,

that's all we have tonight.

I think you got your money's worth.

On the off chance, though, that you think you didn't,

well, there's not much you can do about it.

That boat sailed a long time ago.

And I own that boat.

I got it with the money you just wasted.

Good night.