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1
00:00:12,113 --> 00:00:13,353
(CLANGING)
2
00:00:13,414 --> 00:00:15,724
Solid brass. I lost
mine 20 years ago.
3
00:00:15,783 --> 00:00:16,783
What happened?
4
00:00:16,850 --> 00:00:18,720
A butt-fucking
contest.
5
00:00:18,786 --> 00:00:20,516
Preaching to
the choir.
6
00:00:20,588 --> 00:00:22,988
He had three balls.
I swear to God.
7
00:00:23,057 --> 00:00:24,157
Ew.
8
00:00:24,225 --> 00:00:25,855
Two is already
a lot of balls.
9
00:00:25,926 --> 00:00:27,196
Look what
I found.
10
00:00:28,396 --> 00:00:29,396
No!
11
00:00:30,764 --> 00:00:31,774
No!
12
00:00:31,832 --> 00:00:33,032
No!
13
00:00:34,068 --> 00:00:35,138
And I'll say
it like this,
14
00:00:35,203 --> 00:00:36,443
"Bananas!"
15
00:00:44,212 --> 00:00:45,712
(MUZAK PLAYING)
16
00:00:45,779 --> 00:00:47,279
(TYPEWRITER CLACKING)
17
00:00:50,251 --> 00:00:53,891
You know, when I was a
young man, the world of
television and film seemed
18
00:00:53,954 --> 00:00:56,294
a million
miles away.
19
00:00:56,357 --> 00:00:59,687
Hollywood was
an emerald city too
magical to be real,
20
00:00:59,760 --> 00:01:03,700
where beautiful people
lived out romantic lives
so the rest of us
21
00:01:03,764 --> 00:01:05,374
could dream.
22
00:01:05,433 --> 00:01:08,773
Who dared to pass through
its gates or step upon
its red carpets.
23
00:01:08,836 --> 00:01:12,036
China may have had
its Forbidden City,
but we had
24
00:01:12,106 --> 00:01:13,506
Hollywood.
25
00:01:14,842 --> 00:01:16,642
Of course, that's all
over now, though.
26
00:01:16,710 --> 00:01:18,580
The barbarians are
at the gates.
27
00:01:18,646 --> 00:01:22,116
Cameras follow sluts
and drug addicts around
and call it television.
28
00:01:22,183 --> 00:01:25,153
Giant billboards hovering
over Sunset Boulevard
that once advertised
29
00:01:25,219 --> 00:01:27,189
the latest
Rock Hudson picture
30
00:01:27,255 --> 00:01:30,855
now promote cheap
crap like The Real
Housewives of Denver
31
00:01:30,924 --> 00:01:33,164
and My Dog's a Queer.
32
00:01:33,227 --> 00:01:36,827
And do you think the
executives who greenlit
this shit could care less?
33
00:01:36,897 --> 00:01:38,167
Of course not.
34
00:01:38,232 --> 00:01:40,572
Well, Funny or Die cares.
35
00:01:40,634 --> 00:01:44,874
We make original programming
every day on our website and
here on our television show.
36
00:01:44,938 --> 00:01:48,538
Sure, it's no
Rock Hudson movie,
but it's original stuff.
37
00:01:48,609 --> 00:01:50,579
Sort of like
the old Hollywood.
38
00:01:50,644 --> 00:01:52,514
Before everything went
into the shitter.
39
00:02:17,271 --> 00:02:21,581
FEMALE NARRATOR: (SIGHS)
Tonight on Funny or Die
Presents
40
00:02:21,642 --> 00:02:24,752
Do You Want to
See a Dead Body?
with Rob Huebel,
41
00:02:24,812 --> 00:02:28,152
Ben Schwartz,
Terrible Decisions,
42
00:02:28,216 --> 00:02:30,476
United States
Police Department
43
00:02:30,551 --> 00:02:33,351
and Brick Novax's Diary.
44
00:02:40,294 --> 00:02:42,834
(METAL DETECTOR SCANNING)
45
00:02:45,933 --> 00:02:47,073
Hey!
46
00:02:47,134 --> 00:02:48,304
Deepak!
47
00:02:48,369 --> 00:02:50,239
Hey, Rob.
How's it going?
48
00:02:50,304 --> 00:02:51,314
Good. You having
fun at the beach?
49
00:02:51,372 --> 00:02:52,572
Yeah. Good
to see you.
50
00:02:52,640 --> 00:02:55,780
Aw, man. I'll be
honest with you.
51
00:02:55,843 --> 00:02:59,313
I was having a great
day, and then my day
just got really shitty.
52
00:02:59,380 --> 00:03:02,380
What happened?
53
00:03:02,450 --> 00:03:06,190
ROB: Well, I was hanging
out with this guy that I
thought was Tom Cruise.
54
00:03:06,254 --> 00:03:08,694
Turns out it wasn't
Tom Cruise at all.
55
00:03:08,756 --> 00:03:10,816
Fake Tom Cruise.
Exactly.
56
00:03:10,891 --> 00:03:14,531
And it was such a bummer,
man, because I had all
this stuff planned.
57
00:03:14,595 --> 00:03:16,495
I was gonna
take him
58
00:03:16,564 --> 00:03:19,234
to go see
a dead body.
59
00:03:19,300 --> 00:03:21,800
I've seen dead bodies
all my life. You know
I'm a doctor?
60
00:03:21,869 --> 00:03:23,239
Oh, yes.
Yes, of course.
61
00:03:23,304 --> 00:03:26,314
I started my career
with a dead body
62
00:03:26,374 --> 00:03:28,644
and my first diagnosis
was also a dead body.
63
00:03:28,709 --> 00:03:29,809
What did you tell
the dead body?
64
00:03:29,877 --> 00:03:31,977
I said,
"Your soul has left."
65
00:03:32,045 --> 00:03:35,415
Wow, that
seems profound.
66
00:03:35,483 --> 00:03:37,723
Well, you don't seem
to have much going on.
67
00:03:37,785 --> 00:03:39,285
Do you want to
see a dead body?
68
00:03:43,491 --> 00:03:46,361
So, it's not too
far away. It's just
up here a little bit.
69
00:03:46,427 --> 00:03:47,657
Let me tell
you something.
70
00:03:47,728 --> 00:03:48,898
Just so
you're ready.
71
00:03:48,962 --> 00:03:51,102
It's supposed to
be fucking gross.
72
00:03:51,164 --> 00:03:52,834
(GIGGLES)
73
00:03:52,900 --> 00:03:56,200
I think one thing
you can learn from
a dead body is about
74
00:03:56,270 --> 00:03:57,940
the impermanence
of our existence.
75
00:03:58,005 --> 00:04:02,675
You know,
the Buddha said,
"This lifetime of ours
76
00:04:02,743 --> 00:04:05,613
"is transient like
autumn clouds.
77
00:04:05,679 --> 00:04:10,779
"To watch the birth and death
of beings is like looking at
the movements of a dance."
78
00:04:10,851 --> 00:04:12,221
I'm gonna cut you off
for just a second.
79
00:04:12,286 --> 00:04:13,746
Keep an eye out
for some pussy.
80
00:04:13,821 --> 00:04:15,021
(GIGGLES)
81
00:04:17,157 --> 00:04:18,927
Look at those
ocean waves.
82
00:04:18,992 --> 00:04:21,502
You know, they've been
doing this forever,
for all of eternity.
83
00:04:21,562 --> 00:04:24,332
A few years from now, you
and I will be dead bodies,
84
00:04:24,398 --> 00:04:27,228
those ocean waves will be
doing the same thing as
they're doing now.
85
00:04:27,301 --> 00:04:29,371
Oh, this is
boring already.
86
00:04:32,706 --> 00:04:34,376
WOMAN: Oh, my gosh,
Dr. Chopra?
87
00:04:34,442 --> 00:04:36,482
Hi, how are you?
Hi!
88
00:04:36,544 --> 00:04:40,414
I am your biggest fan. I've
read all your books and
they have touched my life.
89
00:04:40,481 --> 00:04:41,651
Then come
sit here
90
00:04:41,715 --> 00:04:42,675
and talk to my friend.
No, no, no.
91
00:04:42,750 --> 00:04:44,320
He's really
depressed.
92
00:04:44,385 --> 00:04:46,345
We don't have time
for your bullshit.
Hit the road.
93
00:04:48,789 --> 00:04:50,389
DEEPAK: She could
have helped you.
94
00:04:50,458 --> 00:04:52,088
ROB: I don't know
what that means.
95
00:04:52,159 --> 00:04:55,859
DEEPAK: See, my
treatment is spiritual,
hers could be physical.
96
00:04:55,929 --> 00:04:58,099
ROB: I have no idea
what the fuck you're
talking about.
97
00:04:58,165 --> 00:05:01,635
DEEPAK: I'm trying to give
you insight because you're
depressed and you have
98
00:05:01,702 --> 00:05:06,472
this obsesssion to see dead
bodies because they probably
remind you of your numbness.
99
00:05:06,540 --> 00:05:10,910
ROB: Are you just making
this shit up? 'Cause that
makes no sense at all.
100
00:05:15,416 --> 00:05:17,516
(LAUGHING)
101
00:05:24,257 --> 00:05:25,587
ROB: Oh, God.
102
00:05:25,659 --> 00:05:26,889
This was
a mistake.
103
00:05:28,529 --> 00:05:30,059
I'm so sorry,
I'm so embarrassed.
104
00:05:30,130 --> 00:05:32,270
I'm so happy
for you.
105
00:05:32,332 --> 00:05:36,472
When you're sad, when you
cry, when you laugh, when
you have sorrow in your heart,
106
00:05:36,537 --> 00:05:39,107
then you're
living.
107
00:05:39,172 --> 00:05:41,112
Now we can see
the difference
108
00:05:41,174 --> 00:05:42,944
between life,
109
00:05:43,010 --> 00:05:44,680
and death.
110
00:05:44,745 --> 00:05:46,405
Thank you,
Deepak.
111
00:05:46,480 --> 00:05:47,920
Thank you
so much.
112
00:05:49,116 --> 00:05:50,546
If you
don't mind,
113
00:05:50,618 --> 00:05:52,448
could I have
a moment alone
114
00:05:52,520 --> 00:05:53,950
with the body?
115
00:06:05,165 --> 00:06:07,395
MAN: Hey, Rob, I, uh,
just wanted to apologize
116
00:06:07,468 --> 00:06:09,338
for that
misunderstanding
earlier.
117
00:06:09,403 --> 00:06:11,073
Didn't mean
anything by it.
118
00:06:12,706 --> 00:06:15,106
Get the fuck out
of here, Danny.
119
00:06:45,706 --> 00:06:47,676
I just want you
to get in there,
120
00:06:47,741 --> 00:06:50,441
give 'em the case,
make the drop, and
get 'em to open it.
121
00:06:50,511 --> 00:06:52,581
Then we
got 'em. Now,
122
00:06:52,646 --> 00:06:55,216
if you get into a jam and
some shit goes down we should
have a safe word, okay?
123
00:06:55,282 --> 00:06:56,682
Bananas!
124
00:06:57,551 --> 00:06:58,351
And I'll say
it like this,
125
00:06:58,418 --> 00:06:59,718
"Bananas!"
126
00:06:59,787 --> 00:07:00,947
When I say it,
you jump right in...
127
00:07:01,021 --> 00:07:02,361
How about "gentlemen"?
"Gentlemen."
128
00:07:02,422 --> 00:07:03,662
I said it with you,
"gentlemen."
129
00:07:03,724 --> 00:07:05,134
"Gentlemen."
"Gentlemen" it's gonna be.
130
00:07:05,192 --> 00:07:06,192
Good.
So if you hear me
say "gentlemen,"
131
00:07:06,259 --> 00:07:07,389
you know what to do.
132
00:07:07,461 --> 00:07:08,861
Terrific. Okay. Right,
give me the case.
133
00:07:08,929 --> 00:07:09,929
Yeah.
134
00:07:09,997 --> 00:07:11,057
(SIGHS)
135
00:07:11,131 --> 00:07:13,771
Okay. Hey, what are you
doing? Don't open it!
136
00:07:13,834 --> 00:07:16,674
It's rigged. It's
booby-trapped so
that when they open it,
137
00:07:16,737 --> 00:07:17,767
they got a surprise
coming, all right?
138
00:07:17,838 --> 00:07:19,868
It's rigged
with what?
139
00:07:19,940 --> 00:07:23,410
Just an ink pad. When it
opens, boom! They're tainted.
Blue paint all over 'em.
140
00:07:23,477 --> 00:07:24,337
So, what happens
if I just open...
141
00:07:24,411 --> 00:07:25,911
No, no, no!
142
00:07:25,979 --> 00:07:27,349
I just wanna make sure
the ink pack is in there.
143
00:07:27,414 --> 00:07:28,954
No, no. You can't
open it "a little bit."
144
00:07:29,016 --> 00:07:30,646
You know, it feels
light. You know it
feels light.
145
00:07:30,718 --> 00:07:32,848
Okay, okay. Just leave
it be, will you?
146
00:07:32,920 --> 00:07:34,560
We're ready.
We're ready.
147
00:07:34,622 --> 00:07:36,022
I'm not gonna open it.
I'm not gonna open it.
Let's go.
148
00:07:36,089 --> 00:07:37,159
Let's go.
149
00:07:37,224 --> 00:07:38,394
All right. He's ready
to rock and roll.
150
00:07:38,458 --> 00:07:39,528
(KNOCKING ON
VAN DOOR)
151
00:07:39,593 --> 00:07:40,763
(CHATTERING ON
POLICE RADIO)
152
00:07:40,828 --> 00:07:42,158
I'm not gonna let
you down, okay?
153
00:07:42,229 --> 00:07:43,129
Good luck, kid.
I'm not gonna let you down.
154
00:07:43,196 --> 00:07:44,126
Wait, wait, wait.
155
00:07:44,197 --> 00:07:45,397
Yeah, just
keep that.
156
00:07:45,465 --> 00:07:47,065
Just keep that.
Yeah, I'll do that.
157
00:07:52,606 --> 00:07:53,836
(DOOR
UNLATCHES)
158
00:08:00,047 --> 00:08:01,107
Bananas.
159
00:08:22,770 --> 00:08:24,100
(TOILET FLUSHING)
160
00:08:30,878 --> 00:08:33,308
He had three balls.
I swear to God.
161
00:08:33,380 --> 00:08:34,650
Ew.
162
00:08:34,715 --> 00:08:36,475
Two is already
a lot of balls.
163
00:08:36,550 --> 00:08:39,950
I know. And the
weirdest thing, is he
was like super into it.
164
00:08:40,020 --> 00:08:41,990
And he didn't want
to tell his doctor,
165
00:08:42,055 --> 00:08:44,455
'cause he thought they
would, like, tie him down
and take it, or something.
166
00:08:44,524 --> 00:08:45,864
What did it
look like?
167
00:08:45,926 --> 00:08:50,256
It was, like,
smaller, but like
168
00:08:50,330 --> 00:08:52,600
a prickly
garbanzo bean.
169
00:08:52,666 --> 00:08:54,466
Why was it
prickly?
170
00:08:54,534 --> 00:08:56,274
I think it was just,
you know, it was
171
00:08:56,336 --> 00:09:00,406
hard for that delicate
skin to grow hair.
172
00:09:00,473 --> 00:09:02,183
Oh.
173
00:09:02,242 --> 00:09:03,982
Oh.
174
00:09:04,044 --> 00:09:05,714
I mean, I didn't want
to make him feel
weird about it.
175
00:09:05,779 --> 00:09:07,619
I don't know,
I didn't ask.
176
00:09:07,681 --> 00:09:09,981
But there was just
one dick, right?
177
00:09:10,050 --> 00:09:12,720
Yeah, I think I would
have opened with,
178
00:09:12,786 --> 00:09:15,416
"I was with a guy
who had two dicks."
179
00:09:15,488 --> 00:09:17,088
Yeah, I guess.
Yeah.
180
00:09:40,848 --> 00:09:42,648
(CHATTERING ON
POLICE RADIO)
181
00:09:42,716 --> 00:09:44,986
DET. PHUK: How many
people are there in
this room that are dead?
182
00:09:45,052 --> 00:09:47,022
Four.
And how many are alive?
183
00:09:47,087 --> 00:09:49,357
SGT. REEVES: I don't usually
count how many there are alive
unless it's a...
184
00:09:49,422 --> 00:09:51,562
DET. PHUK: Well, see,
these are the details
we gotta figure out.
185
00:09:51,625 --> 00:09:53,025
Sorry I'm late.
186
00:09:53,093 --> 00:09:55,203
Visiting my son
in the hospital.
187
00:09:55,262 --> 00:09:56,502
What do we got?
188
00:09:56,563 --> 00:09:59,803
Four males,
one female, all killed
about 12 hours ago.
189
00:09:59,867 --> 00:10:02,067
Their buttholes cut
out of their bodies.
190
00:10:02,135 --> 00:10:03,895
Looks like they
were in a hurry.
191
00:10:03,971 --> 00:10:05,671
Gotta cut the butthole out
before rigor mortis sets in.
192
00:10:05,739 --> 00:10:08,079
Otherwise you can't
transplant it
to another person.
193
00:10:08,141 --> 00:10:09,241
Transplant?
194
00:10:09,309 --> 00:10:10,839
It's the latest trend
in organ harvesting.
195
00:10:10,911 --> 00:10:13,081
Courtesy of the Russian
Triad Costa Nostras.
196
00:10:13,146 --> 00:10:15,376
The regular folks can take
years to find a donor.
197
00:10:15,448 --> 00:10:17,518
Rich folks don't
like waiting.
198
00:10:17,584 --> 00:10:19,824
Some people would
give their left nut
for a pucker like that.
199
00:10:19,887 --> 00:10:23,917
So, they hire an anal coyote
who sneaks them into this
country with promises of
200
00:10:23,991 --> 00:10:26,091
a safe and profitable
prune switch.
201
00:10:26,159 --> 00:10:29,699
Why pay for a new chili spigot
when you can just commit
murder and get one for free?
202
00:10:29,763 --> 00:10:31,063
(SQUISHING)
203
00:10:31,131 --> 00:10:33,071
Hey, Reeves,
remind you
of anything?
204
00:10:33,133 --> 00:10:34,203
College.
205
00:10:34,267 --> 00:10:35,837
Any clues?
206
00:10:35,903 --> 00:10:38,243
Not a one. Been over
this whole place with
a fine-toothed comb.
207
00:10:38,305 --> 00:10:39,565
(SIGHS)
208
00:10:39,639 --> 00:10:41,439
(CHATTERING ON
POLICE RADIO)
209
00:10:41,508 --> 00:10:43,038
Wait a minute.
210
00:10:43,110 --> 00:10:44,680
Think I got
something.
211
00:10:52,786 --> 00:10:54,716
1234 Business Street.
212
00:10:54,788 --> 00:10:56,258
That's in the
Building District.
213
00:10:56,323 --> 00:10:58,833
Maybe they can
pencil us in.
Here's hoping.
214
00:10:58,892 --> 00:11:00,832
MAN: Yeah, I
recognize that box.
215
00:11:00,894 --> 00:11:04,664
A couple of Russians came
by last week. They bought
a bunch of them.
216
00:11:04,732 --> 00:11:05,572
They were
real creeps.
217
00:11:05,632 --> 00:11:07,572
How so?
218
00:11:07,634 --> 00:11:10,874
Uh, one of them, the leader,
he kept looking at my
Chinese throwing star.
219
00:11:10,938 --> 00:11:13,238
But he was barking up
the wrong tree.
220
00:11:13,306 --> 00:11:14,306
Yeah, why's that?
221
00:11:14,374 --> 00:11:15,844
(CLANGING)
222
00:11:15,909 --> 00:11:18,379
Solid brass. I lost
mine 20 years ago.
223
00:11:18,445 --> 00:11:19,405
What happened?
224
00:11:19,479 --> 00:11:21,409
A butt-fucking
contest.
225
00:11:21,481 --> 00:11:22,721
Preaching to
the choir.
226
00:11:22,783 --> 00:11:24,553
Hey, any idea
where they went?
227
00:11:24,617 --> 00:11:28,217
Yeah, they said something
about renting the
warehouse next door.
228
00:11:28,288 --> 00:11:29,558
Thanks, Eddy.
229
00:11:29,622 --> 00:11:33,892
No problem.
All right, move them
all back onto the truck.
230
00:11:33,961 --> 00:11:35,701
Looks like
we got a date
with some Russians.
231
00:11:35,763 --> 00:11:37,063
Put your
lipstick on.
232
00:11:39,366 --> 00:11:42,866
Well, that commute
wasn't so bad.
233
00:11:42,936 --> 00:11:46,206
(SPEAKING IN
RUSSIAN)
234
00:11:51,211 --> 00:11:52,611
United States
Police Department!
235
00:11:52,679 --> 00:11:53,909
Everybody put
your hands up!
236
00:11:53,981 --> 00:11:56,281
Assholes
down!
237
00:12:12,499 --> 00:12:13,769
(GUN CLICKS)
238
00:12:14,868 --> 00:12:16,368
(GUN CLICKS)
239
00:12:16,436 --> 00:12:17,806
(WHISPERS)
Fuck!
240
00:12:18,638 --> 00:12:20,038
God damn it.
241
00:12:32,652 --> 00:12:34,092
(PANTING)
242
00:12:36,289 --> 00:12:37,289
(GRUNTS)
243
00:12:43,396 --> 00:12:44,526
(GROANS)
244
00:12:49,502 --> 00:12:50,642
(LAUGHING)
245
00:12:50,703 --> 00:12:51,703
What's so funny?
246
00:12:51,771 --> 00:12:54,041
You can't touch me.
247
00:12:54,107 --> 00:12:56,207
I have diplomatic
immunity.
248
00:12:56,276 --> 00:12:57,506
Is that right?
249
00:12:57,577 --> 00:13:00,177
Well, I've never been
very diplomatic myself.
250
00:13:01,648 --> 00:13:03,078
Look what
I found.
251
00:13:03,716 --> 00:13:05,116
No.
252
00:13:06,386 --> 00:13:07,216
No!
253
00:13:07,287 --> 00:13:08,817
No!
254
00:13:13,760 --> 00:13:15,300
Diplomatic
immunity?
255
00:13:15,362 --> 00:13:16,362
Yeah.
256
00:13:17,564 --> 00:13:18,834
Wait here.
257
00:13:18,899 --> 00:13:20,029
There's something
I gotta take care of.
258
00:13:23,470 --> 00:13:24,470
Hi, Daddy.
259
00:13:24,537 --> 00:13:25,537
Hey, kiddo.
260
00:13:26,606 --> 00:13:27,566
Got you
a present.
261
00:13:28,741 --> 00:13:30,641
Is it a new
butthole?
262
00:13:30,710 --> 00:13:32,050
Yeah.
263
00:13:32,112 --> 00:13:33,912
Yeah, it's a
new butthole.
264
00:13:35,582 --> 00:13:37,252
Everything's gonna
be all right, buddy.
265
00:13:38,551 --> 00:13:40,351
I love you,
Daddy.
266
00:13:40,420 --> 00:13:41,550
(SNIFFS)
267
00:13:42,890 --> 00:13:44,120
I love you,
too, Son.
268
00:13:46,193 --> 00:13:47,933
I love the
shit out of you.
269
00:13:48,761 --> 00:13:50,401
(SNIFFS)
270
00:13:50,463 --> 00:13:54,703
Hey. I ever tell you the
story about the wizard
with a new butthole?
271
00:13:54,767 --> 00:13:56,337
Tonight,
climate change.
272
00:13:56,403 --> 00:13:59,373
Is it, in fact, getting
warmer up in this bitch?
273
00:13:59,439 --> 00:14:02,379
Plus, should pussies be
allowed to get married?
274
00:14:02,442 --> 00:14:04,812
Juggalo News starts
right now.
275
00:14:04,878 --> 00:14:06,548
(GUITAR ROCK
MUSIC PLAYING)
276
00:14:10,951 --> 00:14:12,751
You're watching
Juggalo News,
277
00:14:12,819 --> 00:14:15,619
the only news source
specifically for fans
of Insane Clown Posse.
278
00:14:15,688 --> 00:14:17,258
I'm Krazee Thug Nutz.
279
00:14:17,324 --> 00:14:20,934
With the Kyoto Treaty set
to expire in early 2012,
280
00:14:20,994 --> 00:14:22,904
is there still
a legitimate need
281
00:14:22,963 --> 00:14:25,133
to slap CO2 emissions
with our dicks?
282
00:14:25,198 --> 00:14:28,298
Joining us now to
discuss this issue is
acclaimed geophysicist
283
00:14:28,368 --> 00:14:30,068
Professor
Richard Ghostanus.
284
00:14:30,137 --> 00:14:31,367
Thank you for
having me.
285
00:14:31,438 --> 00:14:33,308
Professor Ghostanus,
in your estimation
286
00:14:33,373 --> 00:14:35,813
is climate change
a serious threat?
287
00:14:35,875 --> 00:14:37,975
Very serious,
indeed.
288
00:14:38,045 --> 00:14:40,545
And I've got the facts
to back that shit up.
289
00:14:40,613 --> 00:14:44,223
In the last two decades,
global temperatures
have risen from "a'ight"
290
00:14:44,284 --> 00:14:46,424
to "fucked up
the ass."
291
00:14:46,486 --> 00:14:50,886
It's currently projected that
by 2045, we'll be "fucked up
the ass with a chainsaw."
292
00:14:50,958 --> 00:14:54,058
Now, if we take measures
to curb these trends,
293
00:14:54,127 --> 00:14:58,927
we can prevent a disaster
like being fucked up the
ass, mouth, and ears
294
00:14:58,999 --> 00:15:00,699
with three
chainsaws.
295
00:15:00,767 --> 00:15:02,537
And a dick.
296
00:15:02,602 --> 00:15:05,642
So, how can we,
as a society, stab these
trends in the throat?
297
00:15:05,705 --> 00:15:08,505
It's simple.
Exploring alternative
forms of energy.
298
00:15:08,575 --> 00:15:09,605
You mean like
windmills and shit?
299
00:15:09,676 --> 00:15:11,736
Exactly.
300
00:15:11,811 --> 00:15:13,881
Now, Professor,
your findings have provoked
a fair amount of skepticism
301
00:15:13,947 --> 00:15:17,177
among several
prominent critics.
Take a look at this.
302
00:15:17,250 --> 00:15:21,020
Hey, yo, this Krunt.
Just want to say,
global warming is a myth.
303
00:15:21,088 --> 00:15:22,818
Professor Ghostanus
is a liar.
304
00:15:22,889 --> 00:15:24,519
He's got pussy
for balls.
305
00:15:24,591 --> 00:15:28,301
What? What?
What? Clown!
306
00:15:28,361 --> 00:15:29,661
Strong words.
How do you
respond to that?
307
00:15:29,729 --> 00:15:30,899
Well, look.
308
00:15:30,964 --> 00:15:32,834
Global warming
isn't a myth.
309
00:15:32,899 --> 00:15:37,139
It's a very serious problem
with serious ramifications
for the earth.
310
00:15:37,204 --> 00:15:39,374
And if I may touch
on his second point,
311
00:15:39,439 --> 00:15:41,069
my balls are made
of grenades.
312
00:15:41,141 --> 00:15:43,281
So I would ask that the
gentleman suck on them
313
00:15:43,343 --> 00:15:44,943
and get his
mouth exploded.
314
00:15:45,012 --> 00:15:46,882
Well, Professor,
thanks for bringing
the wicked shit.
315
00:15:46,946 --> 00:15:48,246
No doubt,
fuckles.
316
00:15:48,315 --> 00:15:49,775
And that's, uh, about
gonna do it for us.
317
00:15:49,849 --> 00:15:52,189
Let's see what Murderbitch
has on tap for tomorrow.
318
00:15:52,252 --> 00:15:54,322
Murderbitch?
Thanks, Krazee.
319
00:15:54,387 --> 00:15:57,117
I've got seven useful tips
on getting mad skinny
320
00:15:57,190 --> 00:15:59,090
so your husband don't
divorce your ass.
321
00:15:59,159 --> 00:16:00,829
All this and some
other shit on
322
00:16:00,893 --> 00:16:04,103
Wake Up, Muthafukka,
tomorrow 9:00,
8:00 Central.
323
00:16:38,531 --> 00:16:42,301
Why don't you come
sit in my lap?
324
00:16:42,369 --> 00:16:46,109
We'll talk about the
first thing that pops up.
325
00:16:46,173 --> 00:16:48,043
(LAUGHS)
326
00:17:43,430 --> 00:17:45,630
NARRATOR:
My name,
327
00:17:45,698 --> 00:17:46,768
Brick Novax.
328
00:17:55,142 --> 00:17:56,782
I'm known for
two things:
329
00:17:57,977 --> 00:18:00,507
my many heroic
exploits
330
00:18:00,580 --> 00:18:03,580
and my legendary,
prodigious
substance intake.
331
00:18:04,784 --> 00:18:07,194
Now, with two weeks
left to live
332
00:18:07,254 --> 00:18:09,694
I've holed up here
in the Clyde Motel
333
00:18:09,756 --> 00:18:11,616
to record
my memories,
334
00:18:11,691 --> 00:18:14,691
and preserve
my legacy.
335
00:18:14,761 --> 00:18:16,261
This is my life.
336
00:18:16,329 --> 00:18:17,799
This is...
337
00:18:17,864 --> 00:18:20,234
(READING)
338
00:18:31,010 --> 00:18:33,110
(TAPE RECORDER
CLICKING)
339
00:18:34,214 --> 00:18:35,584
(TAPE
REWINDING)
340
00:18:38,285 --> 00:18:41,015
Testing. One,
two. One, two.
341
00:18:41,087 --> 00:18:43,257
This is another
entry in my diary.
342
00:18:43,323 --> 00:18:45,833
I want to talk about
some time ago when
343
00:18:45,892 --> 00:18:50,632
I got blasted into space
to observe a supernova.
344
00:18:50,697 --> 00:18:54,767
I had been recruited by
the American Coalition for
Intergalactic Development,
345
00:18:54,834 --> 00:18:59,844
as I was only one of ten
people on the planet with
the ultra-rare blood type
346
00:18:59,906 --> 00:19:01,436
H.O. Posi-negative,
347
00:19:01,508 --> 00:19:04,508
famous for its high
radiation tolerance.
348
00:19:04,577 --> 00:19:07,307
My mission, observe
a supernova.
349
00:19:12,084 --> 00:19:15,824
(IN COMPUTER VOICE)
Hello, Brick Novax.
My name is Beautak-7.
350
00:19:15,888 --> 00:19:17,588
Pleasure's mine,
space lady.
351
00:19:17,657 --> 00:19:21,457
I am the physical
embodiment of what
you call a supernova.
352
00:19:21,528 --> 00:19:23,858
You look like a
super-"yes"-va to me.
353
00:19:23,930 --> 00:19:24,960
What?
354
00:19:25,031 --> 00:19:26,631
You want a
sip of this?
355
00:19:26,699 --> 00:19:27,729
What is it?
356
00:19:27,800 --> 00:19:29,300
Space scotch.
357
00:19:29,369 --> 00:19:32,099
NOVAX: I rewired
the cooling apparatus
to make a still
358
00:19:32,171 --> 00:19:34,071
and brewed up
a crude batch.
359
00:19:34,140 --> 00:19:37,040
Come on.
I've got some more
in the living area.
360
00:19:37,109 --> 00:19:38,409
(LOUNGE MUSIC PLAYING)
361
00:19:38,478 --> 00:19:40,548
You are
fantastic, baby.
362
00:19:40,613 --> 00:19:41,813
Fantastic?
363
00:19:41,881 --> 00:19:43,851
I can feel your
vibrations from here.
364
00:19:43,916 --> 00:19:47,246
I've never felt
like this before.
365
00:19:47,320 --> 00:19:50,160
I'm not supposed
to have these, these...
366
00:19:50,223 --> 00:19:52,433
They're called
feelings, baby.
367
00:19:52,492 --> 00:19:54,492
Half of that's
the scotch.
368
00:19:54,561 --> 00:19:58,061
And half of that's
from a healthy dose
of vitamin Novax.
369
00:19:58,130 --> 00:20:04,140
* Hey, gray skies
We want you to go away
370
00:20:04,203 --> 00:20:09,443
* Please, be gone
Don't come again
another day
371
00:20:09,509 --> 00:20:15,419
* You've caused us
so much sadness
372
00:20:22,088 --> 00:20:28,398
* Sunshine, all
we ever wanted was
373
00:20:28,461 --> 00:20:33,901
* Sunshine, all we
ever wanted was some
374
00:20:33,966 --> 00:20:37,736
* Sunshine
375
00:20:40,072 --> 00:20:44,342
* Sunshine *
376
00:20:50,583 --> 00:20:51,923
So.
377
00:20:51,984 --> 00:20:53,124
So.
378
00:20:53,185 --> 00:20:54,715
Well, I
379
00:20:54,787 --> 00:20:56,317
guess I'd
better be going.
380
00:20:56,389 --> 00:20:58,629
Yeah, that's
probably good.
381
00:20:58,691 --> 00:21:00,131
I think I love
you, Brick Novax...
382
00:21:00,192 --> 00:21:01,932
(EXPLOSION)
383
00:21:01,994 --> 00:21:04,764
I never got a chance to
tell her I loved her.
384
00:21:04,831 --> 00:21:06,431
(SIREN BLARING)
385
00:21:07,667 --> 00:21:10,137
My rocket crashed
back to Earth.
386
00:21:10,202 --> 00:21:14,212
I was checked into
the Moab Institute
for Private Rehabilitation.
387
00:21:14,273 --> 00:21:18,183
I had to play chess against
Death to win my life back.
388
00:21:18,244 --> 00:21:20,454
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
389
00:21:20,513 --> 00:21:24,723
They pumped me full of a
gallon a day of the finest
narcotics money could buy.
390
00:21:24,784 --> 00:21:26,924
I asked about
Beautak-7.
391
00:21:26,986 --> 00:21:28,716
But the doctors
said my rocket
392
00:21:28,788 --> 00:21:30,788
never even
left the ground.
393
00:21:30,857 --> 00:21:32,757
Traumatic? You
betcha, palominos.
394
00:21:32,825 --> 00:21:35,925
But it was also the
first time I'd ever
experienced love.
395
00:21:35,995 --> 00:21:39,065
Sometimes life deals
you both extremes
of the spectrum
396
00:21:39,131 --> 00:21:42,371
so you can drink
up everything the
universe has to offer.
397
00:21:42,435 --> 00:21:43,735
That's it for
this entry
398
00:21:43,803 --> 00:21:46,443
of Brick
Novax's diary.
399
00:21:47,674 --> 00:21:49,844
(PLAYING SAXOPHONE)
400
00:22:15,802 --> 00:22:17,172
Guys, I'm in
a real jam.
401
00:22:17,236 --> 00:22:19,436
I have to find the
perfect outfit for tonight.
402
00:22:19,506 --> 00:22:21,036
Let's do it
as a team!
403
00:22:21,107 --> 00:22:22,677
BEN: As a team?
404
00:22:22,742 --> 00:22:24,112
Okay!
405
00:22:24,176 --> 00:22:25,906
(UPBEAT POP MUSIC
PLAYING)
406
00:22:32,952 --> 00:22:34,352
And then...
407
00:22:35,187 --> 00:22:36,557
(BLOWING RASPBERRIES)
408
00:22:36,623 --> 00:22:37,923
* Tonight
409
00:22:39,025 --> 00:22:41,225
* I'm gonna make
a big impression
410
00:22:41,293 --> 00:22:42,533
* Tonight
411
00:22:44,096 --> 00:22:46,126
* All their
heads will turn
412
00:22:46,198 --> 00:22:51,798
* They'll pick me up
and put me on
their shoulders
413
00:22:51,871 --> 00:22:55,911
* I'll spread my wings
and soar just like a bird
414
00:22:57,677 --> 00:22:59,847
* I'll look
fantastic
415
00:23:00,513 --> 00:23:01,853
(SCREAMING)
416
00:23:02,849 --> 00:23:05,549
* I'll look
amazing
417
00:23:05,618 --> 00:23:07,948
* They'll love
my style
418
00:23:08,020 --> 00:23:10,420
Oh, baby!
419
00:23:12,291 --> 00:23:13,891
I did it!
420
00:23:13,960 --> 00:23:17,930
* I'm flying high
I can almost
touch the sky *
421
00:23:19,131 --> 00:23:20,731
Sorry for
your loss.
422
00:23:20,800 --> 00:23:22,030
So sorry.
423
00:23:22,869 --> 00:23:24,799
(ORGAN MUSIC
PLAYING)
424
00:23:43,422 --> 00:23:45,462
Well, from
Funny or Die,
425
00:23:45,525 --> 00:23:47,055
that's all we
have tonight.
426
00:23:47,126 --> 00:23:49,256
I think you got
your money's worth.
427
00:23:49,328 --> 00:23:52,098
On the off chance, though,
that you think you didn't,
428
00:23:52,164 --> 00:23:53,704
well, there's not much
you can do about it.
429
00:23:53,766 --> 00:23:56,436
That boat sailed
a long time ago.
430
00:23:56,503 --> 00:23:58,003
And I own
that boat.
431
00:23:58,070 --> 00:24:00,610
I got it with the
money you just wasted.
432
00:24:01,674 --> 00:24:03,184
Good night.
31560
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