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1
00:00:07,741 --> 00:00:10,511
[*]
2
00:00:10,611 --> 00:00:12,651
A man in a ski mask
is coming out of the bank.
3
00:00:12,746 --> 00:00:14,376
[LAUGHING]
4
00:00:14,482 --> 00:00:15,722
I'm free!
5
00:00:15,816 --> 00:00:16,716
[SCREAMS]
6
00:00:16,817 --> 00:00:18,347
[SCREAMING]
7
00:00:20,121 --> 00:00:21,791
What is a sound?
And I'm not talking about
8
00:00:21,889 --> 00:00:22,889
the sound
of Hosana's voice.
9
00:00:22,990 --> 00:00:24,890
[LAUGHING]
Skott--
10
00:00:24,992 --> 00:00:26,862
You just declared war!
11
00:00:26,960 --> 00:00:29,430
Ooh.
12
00:00:29,530 --> 00:00:32,530
I wanna say thank you
for not killing me.
13
00:00:32,633 --> 00:00:35,203
And thank you for not
making me suck your dicks.
14
00:00:35,303 --> 00:00:36,403
Yeah.
You're welcome.
15
00:00:36,504 --> 00:00:39,574
[*]
16
00:00:47,415 --> 00:00:50,415
Computers and televisions.
17
00:00:50,518 --> 00:00:51,918
There was a time
when you could tell
18
00:00:52,019 --> 00:00:53,749
the difference
between the two.
19
00:00:53,854 --> 00:00:55,324
Just like on
Santa Monica Boulevard
20
00:00:55,423 --> 00:00:57,093
you used to be able
to tell the difference
21
00:00:57,191 --> 00:00:58,691
between a woman
and a man.
22
00:00:58,792 --> 00:01:00,162
Before
the confusion started,
23
00:01:00,261 --> 00:01:03,031
5 bucks paid
for some prime lady fur.
24
00:01:03,131 --> 00:01:05,031
Not some surprise
cocktail sausage
25
00:01:05,133 --> 00:01:06,903
leaping out at you
like an angry cobra.
26
00:01:07,000 --> 00:01:09,270
Scarier still,
media experts speculate
27
00:01:09,370 --> 00:01:11,040
that in the very near future
28
00:01:11,139 --> 00:01:14,069
computers will take over
television completely.
29
00:01:14,175 --> 00:01:16,835
From there, some believe,
and I am one of them,
30
00:01:16,944 --> 00:01:18,384
that this will lead
to a world
31
00:01:18,479 --> 00:01:20,609
where humans
are forced into hiding.
32
00:01:20,714 --> 00:01:21,984
Locked in a death struggle
33
00:01:22,082 --> 00:01:23,682
against a race
of super computers
34
00:01:23,784 --> 00:01:26,954
known simply as
The Klarn.
35
00:01:27,054 --> 00:01:29,694
Others--
Let's call them retards.
36
00:01:29,790 --> 00:01:33,030
--believe TV will be around
for a long time.
37
00:01:33,127 --> 00:01:35,457
We here at Funny or Die
are hedging our bets.
38
00:01:35,563 --> 00:01:37,533
Traditionally an
Internet-based company,
39
00:01:37,631 --> 00:01:39,471
we've decided
to make some television.
40
00:01:39,567 --> 00:01:40,997
It's basically
the same kinda shit
41
00:01:41,101 --> 00:01:42,271
we show on our website,
42
00:01:42,370 --> 00:01:43,940
but we're showing it
here on TV,
43
00:01:44,037 --> 00:01:47,207
just in case
television wins,
44
00:01:47,308 --> 00:01:50,338
and computers lose.
45
00:01:51,745 --> 00:01:53,745
[*]
46
00:02:16,036 --> 00:02:19,266
ANNOUNCER:
Tonight,
on the Funny or Die Network:
47
00:02:19,373 --> 00:02:21,143
From creator Rob Huebel,
48
00:02:21,242 --> 00:02:24,212
the final installment
of Holdup.
49
00:02:24,312 --> 00:02:26,252
Playground Politics.
50
00:02:26,347 --> 00:02:28,247
And from Tim and Eric,
51
00:02:28,349 --> 00:02:31,389
Morning Prayer
with Skott & Behr.
52
00:02:33,354 --> 00:02:35,294
ANNOUNCER:
Previously on Holdup:
53
00:02:35,389 --> 00:02:37,659
Man, I love
this new shirt.
54
00:02:37,758 --> 00:02:40,128
It's so white.
55
00:02:40,228 --> 00:02:42,098
[HOARSELY]
You shot me.
56
00:02:42,196 --> 00:02:44,296
They have taken
several hostages.
57
00:02:44,398 --> 00:02:47,198
Assholes, you picked
the wrong guys to fuck with.
58
00:02:47,301 --> 00:02:49,371
Oh, no!
You're escaping without me!
59
00:02:49,470 --> 00:02:52,670
[GRUNTING]
[ROBBERS SHOUTING]
60
00:02:55,075 --> 00:02:56,605
Those guys are badass!
61
00:02:56,710 --> 00:02:58,350
What do you need
for this to stop?
62
00:02:58,446 --> 00:03:00,606
We want that yummy-ass
homemade food.
63
00:03:00,714 --> 00:03:02,054
What else?
64
00:03:02,149 --> 00:03:03,549
We want "Weird Al" Yankovic
65
00:03:03,651 --> 00:03:05,791
to come down here and sing
a hilarious song for us.
66
00:03:05,886 --> 00:03:07,716
How the hell am I supposed
to get Weird Al?
67
00:03:07,821 --> 00:03:10,421
You got two hours before
everybody dies, motherfucker!
68
00:03:10,524 --> 00:03:12,694
[*]
69
00:03:15,863 --> 00:03:18,703
[*]
70
00:03:21,001 --> 00:03:22,371
HUEBEL:
People of the community,
71
00:03:22,470 --> 00:03:24,540
Thank you for making
this food for us.
72
00:03:24,638 --> 00:03:27,278
Son of a bitch. I'm gonna
shoot him. I made that food.
73
00:03:27,375 --> 00:03:29,535
Hey, guys, uh,
74
00:03:29,643 --> 00:03:33,553
I just wanna take this
opportunity to say as a hostage
75
00:03:33,647 --> 00:03:35,247
you're doing a great job
of robbing the bank.
76
00:03:35,349 --> 00:03:37,079
You got everybody really
terrified.
77
00:03:37,184 --> 00:03:38,394
That's nice of you to say.
78
00:03:38,486 --> 00:03:41,456
I wanna say thank you
for not killing me.
79
00:03:41,555 --> 00:03:43,785
And thank you for not
making me suck your dicks.
80
00:03:43,891 --> 00:03:47,061
We still might do that,
but you're welcome.
81
00:03:47,160 --> 00:03:49,660
I feel like
we're bonding here.
82
00:03:51,198 --> 00:03:52,968
[POLICE RADIO CHATTERING]
83
00:03:54,335 --> 00:03:57,135
Here, let me help you.
84
00:03:57,237 --> 00:03:59,137
These lunches is delicious.
85
00:03:59,239 --> 00:04:01,479
These sandwiches
ain't no mothafuckin' joke.
86
00:04:01,575 --> 00:04:03,275
ROBBER 2:
Try one of these cookies.
87
00:04:03,377 --> 00:04:06,577
These little M&M's
is to die for.
88
00:04:06,680 --> 00:04:07,980
[SNIFFING]
89
00:04:08,081 --> 00:04:10,821
[GRUNTING]
90
00:04:10,918 --> 00:04:12,588
What? What?
91
00:04:12,686 --> 00:04:15,816
Hey, this guy is choking!
Somebody help him!
92
00:04:15,923 --> 00:04:18,233
Somebody help him!
Richard, give me your pen.
93
00:04:18,326 --> 00:04:19,726
Fuck you, it's an $800 pen.
94
00:04:19,827 --> 00:04:20,827
This man is dying!
95
00:04:20,928 --> 00:04:22,498
Here,
use my pocket knife.
96
00:04:22,596 --> 00:04:25,496
No, I prefer a pen.
Here's one.
97
00:04:25,599 --> 00:04:27,699
Take his pants off.
Don't take his pants off.
98
00:04:27,801 --> 00:04:30,071
Oh, yes.
99
00:04:30,170 --> 00:04:32,440
I got a hole.
Give me straw.
100
00:04:32,540 --> 00:04:34,140
Give me
a fucking straw, man!
101
00:04:34,241 --> 00:04:36,711
Come on, man.
Help my friend, man.
102
00:04:36,810 --> 00:04:39,410
[*]
103
00:04:41,982 --> 00:04:43,022
TELLER:
Oh, my God!
104
00:04:43,116 --> 00:04:45,016
[COUGHING AND GASPING]
105
00:04:45,118 --> 00:04:47,048
Oh, my God, Darnell.
Are you okay?
106
00:04:47,154 --> 00:04:48,724
[GRUNTS]
107
00:04:48,822 --> 00:04:52,892
Good save, man.
That guy was in bad shape.
108
00:04:52,993 --> 00:04:55,503
[HOARSELY]
Look here, dog.
You saved my life.
109
00:04:55,596 --> 00:04:57,966
It's only fair that
you get to go.
110
00:04:58,065 --> 00:04:59,465
What'd he said?
111
00:04:59,567 --> 00:05:01,537
He said, "Look here, dog,
you saved my life.
112
00:05:01,635 --> 00:05:03,435
It's only fair
you get to go."
113
00:05:03,537 --> 00:05:05,937
There's other people here
that deserve to go more.
114
00:05:06,039 --> 00:05:07,009
Like that guy.
115
00:05:07,107 --> 00:05:08,377
Look how much
he's bleeding.
116
00:05:08,476 --> 00:05:11,376
Oh, I--
Whatever you guys think.
117
00:05:11,479 --> 00:05:14,379
Okay, then Maxine.
You gotta get to a hospital.
118
00:05:14,482 --> 00:05:16,152
No, I'm-- I'm good.
119
00:05:16,249 --> 00:05:19,019
Then there's only one
fair way to do this.
120
00:05:19,119 --> 00:05:22,519
[*]
121
00:05:40,240 --> 00:05:42,140
[LAUGHING]
122
00:05:42,242 --> 00:05:43,742
Son of a whore.
123
00:05:43,844 --> 00:05:47,054
Fuck you. Fuck you.
Fuck you.
124
00:05:47,147 --> 00:05:48,377
Fuck you both.
125
00:05:48,482 --> 00:05:50,282
Smell you later.
126
00:05:50,384 --> 00:05:52,294
[RICHARD LAUGHING]
127
00:05:52,386 --> 00:05:53,546
Suckers!
Shit, is the news here?
128
00:05:53,654 --> 00:05:55,024
ROBBER 2:
Yeah, man.
129
00:05:55,122 --> 00:05:57,632
I look like shit. Oh, man.
Give me your thing.
130
00:05:57,725 --> 00:05:58,625
Okay.
131
00:05:58,726 --> 00:06:00,186
[LAUGHS]
132
00:06:00,293 --> 00:06:01,563
Hello, hello!
133
00:06:01,662 --> 00:06:03,802
A man in a ski mask
is coming out of the bank.
134
00:06:03,897 --> 00:06:04,927
[LAUGHS]
135
00:06:05,032 --> 00:06:05,972
I'm free!
136
00:06:06,066 --> 00:06:07,226
[SCREAMS]
137
00:06:07,334 --> 00:06:08,474
[SCREAMING]
138
00:06:08,569 --> 00:06:11,539
[CROWD SCREAMS]
139
00:06:13,474 --> 00:06:17,144
Oh, shit.
It's the manager!
140
00:06:17,244 --> 00:06:20,614
Shit. I did not
see that coming.
141
00:06:21,615 --> 00:06:24,485
[PHONE RINGING]
142
00:06:24,585 --> 00:06:25,645
What, motherfucker?
143
00:06:25,753 --> 00:06:27,523
ROLLINS:
Calm down, calm down.
144
00:06:27,621 --> 00:06:29,391
I got "Weird Al" Yankovic here,
145
00:06:29,490 --> 00:06:31,730
he wants to sing
a parody song for you.
146
00:06:33,494 --> 00:06:35,164
Shit! They got
Weird Al out there!
147
00:06:40,634 --> 00:06:44,244
[UPBEAT SYNTHPOP MUSIC PLAYING]
148
00:06:44,337 --> 00:06:46,907
You see that?
It's Weird Al, man.
149
00:06:51,512 --> 00:06:53,212
[CROWD SCREAMS]
150
00:06:53,313 --> 00:06:54,623
Jesus!
What did I go?
151
00:06:54,715 --> 00:06:56,515
I'm sorry!
I was just tapping the beat
152
00:06:56,617 --> 00:06:59,217
with my fuckin' trigger finger
and I shot Weird Al!
153
00:06:59,319 --> 00:07:00,749
ROLLINS:
You shot fucking Weird Al!
154
00:07:00,854 --> 00:07:03,324
I wasn't trying to shoot him!
I love his music, man!
155
00:07:03,423 --> 00:07:05,393
Why the fuck would
you shoot him?
156
00:07:05,493 --> 00:07:07,603
"Weird Al" Yankovic
has just been shot.
157
00:07:07,695 --> 00:07:10,425
You killed motherfucking
"Weird Al" Yankovic!
158
00:07:10,531 --> 00:07:13,901
You listen to him,
or maybe you dance!
159
00:07:14,001 --> 00:07:16,201
You just declared war!
160
00:07:16,303 --> 00:07:18,913
You just declared war!
161
00:07:19,006 --> 00:07:20,036
I'm going in.
162
00:07:20,140 --> 00:07:21,780
[SCREAMING]
163
00:07:21,875 --> 00:07:22,575
I'm going in!
164
00:07:22,676 --> 00:07:25,446
[ALL SCREAMING]
165
00:07:25,546 --> 00:07:28,046
Oh, shit!
They're coming in!
166
00:07:28,148 --> 00:07:30,978
[*]
167
00:07:31,084 --> 00:07:32,424
Here we go.
168
00:07:32,520 --> 00:07:33,620
I'll protect you.
169
00:07:33,721 --> 00:07:36,891
Uh, no, I'll protect you.
Okay.
170
00:07:36,990 --> 00:07:38,130
[*]
171
00:07:38,225 --> 00:07:39,955
[GUNSHOTS]
172
00:07:40,060 --> 00:07:41,960
[ALL SCREAMING]
173
00:07:53,006 --> 00:07:55,676
[*]
174
00:07:57,645 --> 00:08:01,145
It's okay.
Unh. Okay.
175
00:08:01,248 --> 00:08:03,048
Thanks, guys.
176
00:08:03,150 --> 00:08:05,920
I'm just fine.
177
00:08:06,019 --> 00:08:08,689
[COUGHING]
178
00:08:14,094 --> 00:08:15,934
[SHUTTER CLICKS]
179
00:08:17,364 --> 00:08:18,874
Have a good day.
180
00:08:18,966 --> 00:08:20,696
[ENGINE STARTS]
181
00:08:22,770 --> 00:08:25,410
HUEBEL:
Okay, whoever's not dead,
let's count off.
182
00:08:25,505 --> 00:08:26,535
ALL:
One--
183
00:08:26,640 --> 00:08:29,210
HUEBEL: Oh, I'm one.
GUARD: Two.
184
00:08:31,945 --> 00:08:34,745
[*]
185
00:08:37,951 --> 00:08:40,151
[*]
186
00:08:45,993 --> 00:08:47,293
[*]
187
00:08:47,394 --> 00:08:49,764
CHILD:
188
00:08:55,569 --> 00:08:56,669
America! Help!
189
00:08:56,770 --> 00:08:58,070
AMERICA:
Israel, stop.
190
00:08:58,171 --> 00:09:00,611
Gaza, what did you do
to make them hit you?
191
00:09:00,708 --> 00:09:02,678
Why is it always our fault?
192
00:09:02,776 --> 00:09:05,946
Because Israel wouldn't have
hit you for no reason.
193
00:09:06,046 --> 00:09:08,446
Fine.
We threw a rock at them.
194
00:09:08,548 --> 00:09:11,378
Israel, did it hit you?
No, but it could have.
195
00:09:11,484 --> 00:09:13,494
Good point. Go ahead
and slap him.
196
00:09:13,587 --> 00:09:15,357
Gaza, why are you throwing
rocks at them?
197
00:09:15,455 --> 00:09:17,185
You know Israel
overreacts to stuff.
198
00:09:17,290 --> 00:09:18,760
How are we overreacting?
199
00:09:18,859 --> 00:09:21,529
All of these guys
want to throw rocks at us.
200
00:09:21,629 --> 00:09:23,829
Those are rocks
in their hands right now.
201
00:09:23,931 --> 00:09:26,271
I'm gonna drive you
into the sea, Israel.
202
00:09:26,366 --> 00:09:28,136
What should we do, America?
203
00:09:28,235 --> 00:09:30,465
Try this. Israel,
you gotta stop thinking
204
00:09:30,570 --> 00:09:32,170
everyone's
out to get you.
205
00:09:32,272 --> 00:09:33,442
And everybody,
206
00:09:33,540 --> 00:09:35,410
you gotta stop being
out to get Israel.
207
00:09:35,508 --> 00:09:37,178
[*]
208
00:09:41,281 --> 00:09:43,681
[*]
209
00:09:45,552 --> 00:09:47,762
[*]
210
00:09:56,463 --> 00:09:58,673
[*]
211
00:10:01,434 --> 00:10:05,374
* You are my friend
My knight in shining armor *
212
00:10:05,472 --> 00:10:08,742
* You are the reason
I was born *
213
00:10:08,842 --> 00:10:12,112
BOTH:
* I count on you for all
The gifts in my life *
214
00:10:12,212 --> 00:10:16,952
* We raise our hands up high
And praise Hosana *
215
00:10:22,222 --> 00:10:24,932
ANNOUNCER:
Live from Tallahassee,
Florida,
216
00:10:25,025 --> 00:10:28,195
it's Morning Prayer
With Skott & Behr.
217
00:10:28,295 --> 00:10:30,425
Starring Skott.
218
00:10:30,530 --> 00:10:32,100
And Behr.
219
00:10:32,199 --> 00:10:36,439
With Tony Sacrimoni
and the Good Morning Players.
220
00:10:36,536 --> 00:10:39,666
[PLAYING UPBEAT MUSIC]
221
00:11:01,194 --> 00:11:03,434
[GRUNTING]
222
00:11:03,530 --> 00:11:05,600
BEHR:
He's done.
223
00:11:05,699 --> 00:11:07,069
Chase.
Chase, come on.
224
00:11:07,167 --> 00:11:09,367
Get his legs.
225
00:11:09,469 --> 00:11:11,139
Get down. Come on!
226
00:11:11,238 --> 00:11:13,438
[SKOTT GROANING]
227
00:11:13,540 --> 00:11:14,810
Get him up!
228
00:11:14,908 --> 00:11:17,308
[SKOTT SCREAMING]
229
00:11:17,410 --> 00:11:20,610
[*]
230
00:11:20,714 --> 00:11:22,524
ANNOUNCER:
Skott & Behr is brought to you
231
00:11:22,615 --> 00:11:23,945
by the Hosana Prayer Kit.
232
00:11:24,051 --> 00:11:29,491
Hi, I'm Sunshine,
with the Hosana Prayer Kit.
233
00:11:29,589 --> 00:11:32,829
This is essential
for great prayers.
234
00:11:32,926 --> 00:11:34,756
ANNOUNCER:
Measure the length
of your prayers
235
00:11:34,862 --> 00:11:36,162
with the prayer timer.
236
00:11:36,263 --> 00:11:37,803
Also includes
a self-lighting candle
237
00:11:37,898 --> 00:11:39,968
to make sure you say
all your hosannas.
238
00:11:40,067 --> 00:11:42,237
Thank you for self-lighting
candle, Hosana.
239
00:11:42,335 --> 00:11:43,995
* Mama
240
00:11:44,104 --> 00:11:47,574
ANNOUNCER:
Pray holier!
With the Hosana Prayer Kit.
241
00:11:47,674 --> 00:11:48,944
Me is the candle man.
242
00:11:49,042 --> 00:11:51,242
[*]
243
00:11:53,280 --> 00:11:56,450
[PLAYING UPBEAT MUSIC]
244
00:11:56,549 --> 00:11:58,419
Ah. Hosana to you,
Skott.
245
00:11:58,518 --> 00:11:59,988
Hosana back to you, Behr.
246
00:12:00,087 --> 00:12:02,587
Wow, Skott, we have
a wonderful group of guests.
247
00:12:02,689 --> 00:12:04,829
All blessed be, Hosana.
SKOTT: Hosana.
248
00:12:04,925 --> 00:12:06,185
But you know
what I wanna do
249
00:12:06,293 --> 00:12:08,563
before we get started?
Star charts.
250
00:12:08,661 --> 00:12:10,801
[PLAYING DRAMATIC MUSIC]
251
00:12:14,134 --> 00:12:16,374
All right, let's take a look
at our coming cycles
252
00:12:16,469 --> 00:12:17,639
and see what we have
in store.
253
00:12:17,737 --> 00:12:19,167
If we could, uh,
254
00:12:19,272 --> 00:12:21,912
Chase, open up the star cycle
and get ourselves a look.
255
00:12:22,009 --> 00:12:23,379
Take a look at the star cycle.
256
00:12:23,476 --> 00:12:25,376
Oh, here we go.
Here we go.
257
00:12:25,478 --> 00:12:27,448
You know what?
We have some wonderful news
258
00:12:27,547 --> 00:12:29,617
in the star charts today.
It looks like we have
259
00:12:29,716 --> 00:12:31,546
three Rang Dipkins
and they're coming in,
260
00:12:31,651 --> 00:12:33,021
and forming a perfect storm
261
00:12:33,120 --> 00:12:35,260
right around
our celestial Hosana.
262
00:12:35,355 --> 00:12:37,555
All praise Rang.
263
00:12:37,657 --> 00:12:39,027
Rang!
264
00:12:39,126 --> 00:12:41,326
[*]
265
00:12:44,697 --> 00:12:46,597
SKOTT:
Praise Rang.
266
00:12:46,699 --> 00:12:47,939
[BEHR VOCALIZING]
267
00:12:48,035 --> 00:12:50,235
[PRAYING INDISTINCTLY]
268
00:12:52,572 --> 00:12:54,242
Rang Dipkin.
269
00:12:54,341 --> 00:12:55,611
All praise Rang Dipkin.
270
00:12:55,708 --> 00:12:57,408
Oh, Rang Dipkin.
271
00:13:00,513 --> 00:13:02,583
Hosana.
272
00:13:02,682 --> 00:13:03,982
Now Hosana blessed
Rang Dipkin.
273
00:13:04,084 --> 00:13:05,394
Thank you for that
interesting news.
274
00:13:05,485 --> 00:13:07,385
Uh, before we get the show
started though,
275
00:13:07,487 --> 00:13:09,557
I do have a little bit
of a bone to pick with you.
276
00:13:09,656 --> 00:13:10,916
What's that, Skott?
277
00:13:11,024 --> 00:13:12,864
Well, apparently
you've been acting like
278
00:13:12,960 --> 00:13:14,260
a literal bear over this week.
279
00:13:14,361 --> 00:13:16,161
[GROWLS]
280
00:13:16,263 --> 00:13:17,933
Over this weekend.
Uh, if you don't mind.
281
00:13:18,031 --> 00:13:19,571
Uh, bear with me here.
282
00:13:22,735 --> 00:13:24,395
Unh.
This is a video tape,
283
00:13:24,504 --> 00:13:28,084
taken this weekend
of you making love to a woman.
284
00:13:28,175 --> 00:13:30,505
Who, is not your wife,
by the way.
285
00:13:30,610 --> 00:13:32,080
And--
That's--
286
00:13:32,179 --> 00:13:34,949
No, you don't. No, no,
this is mine. Finders, keepers.
287
00:13:35,048 --> 00:13:37,018
BEHR:
Skott, listen,
if you show that tape,
288
00:13:37,117 --> 00:13:39,047
and Donna sees--
Donna and the boys see that,
289
00:13:39,152 --> 00:13:41,622
my life's over. I'm s--
I'd hate to show that.
290
00:13:41,721 --> 00:13:43,161
I honestly
would hate to show it.
291
00:13:43,256 --> 00:13:45,226
Because you are a friend,
and I don't wanna--
292
00:13:45,325 --> 00:13:47,055
I don't wanna break
that bond that we have.
293
00:13:47,160 --> 00:13:49,100
Because we are good friends.
Yeah.
294
00:13:50,363 --> 00:13:53,273
Praise Hosana
and praise Rang. Thank you.
295
00:13:53,366 --> 00:13:57,436
ANNOUNCER:
Tomorrow on Morning Prayers:
spirit dancing with Shark.
296
00:13:57,537 --> 00:13:59,237
[EXHALING]
297
00:13:59,339 --> 00:14:01,939
[*]
298
00:14:07,247 --> 00:14:10,817
[GRUNTING]
299
00:14:10,918 --> 00:14:14,588
Rang!
300
00:14:14,687 --> 00:14:17,187
Ooh.
301
00:14:17,290 --> 00:14:20,360
[BAND PLAYING UPBEAT MUSIC]
302
00:14:20,460 --> 00:14:24,260
Our first guest today
is a man named, uh, Brown Eggz.
303
00:14:24,364 --> 00:14:26,834
Well, let's bring him out
and see what he has to say.
304
00:14:26,934 --> 00:14:27,974
[BAND PLAYING UPBEAT MUSIC]
305
00:14:28,068 --> 00:14:29,738
Thanks so much.
306
00:14:29,836 --> 00:14:31,136
Shake.
307
00:14:31,238 --> 00:14:32,838
Thanks so much,
Brown.
308
00:14:32,940 --> 00:14:35,340
Chase tells us that
you have a new cartoon
309
00:14:35,442 --> 00:14:36,942
you're gonna be
showing us today.
310
00:14:37,044 --> 00:14:39,814
Yeah, what is this business
about cartoons?
311
00:14:39,913 --> 00:14:43,353
It's The Animated Adventures
of Forrest Gump.
312
00:14:43,450 --> 00:14:45,450
SKOTT:
I love the sound
of this already.
313
00:14:45,552 --> 00:14:48,062
Yeah, I really loved
Tom's work in Forrest Gump.
314
00:14:48,155 --> 00:14:50,655
Oh, and I also love him
in Rain Man, and Top Gun.
315
00:14:50,757 --> 00:14:53,727
No, no. No, honey, you're
getting a little confused.
316
00:14:53,826 --> 00:14:56,196
We're actually talking about
Tom Hanks. Not Tom Cruise.
317
00:14:56,296 --> 00:14:59,096
Oh, my goodness! I thought you
were talking about Tom Cruise.
318
00:14:59,199 --> 00:15:01,669
BEHR:
No, Tom Hanks starred
in Forrest Gump the movie.
319
00:15:01,768 --> 00:15:04,068
Oh, boy. I feel like I got
egg on my face, no offense.
320
00:15:04,171 --> 00:15:07,011
None taken. Actually, uh,
321
00:15:07,107 --> 00:15:09,407
I'm actually talking
about Tom Arnold.
322
00:15:09,509 --> 00:15:11,379
So Tom Hanks
isn't in this Forrest Gump?
323
00:15:11,478 --> 00:15:13,608
No, not in the--
SKOTT: This is not--
324
00:15:13,713 --> 00:15:15,023
No, he was in Forrest Gump.
325
00:15:15,115 --> 00:15:16,345
He's not
in this Forrest Gump.
326
00:15:16,449 --> 00:15:17,919
Okay,
so I'm a little confused.
327
00:15:18,018 --> 00:15:19,948
He's in a live action
version of Forrest Gump.
328
00:15:20,053 --> 00:15:22,063
Who's Tom Arnold? I'm--
329
00:15:22,155 --> 00:15:24,415
Oh, he's the star
of Forrest Gump.
330
00:15:24,524 --> 00:15:26,964
The Animated Adventures
of Forrest Gump.
331
00:15:27,060 --> 00:15:29,060
Tom Cruise has nothing to do
with this equation.
332
00:15:29,162 --> 00:15:30,302
I get that, I got that.
333
00:15:30,397 --> 00:15:32,267
So he got
more of a sub-par actor
334
00:15:32,365 --> 00:15:34,095
named Tom Arnold to do
this voice. Do you get it?
335
00:15:34,201 --> 00:15:36,241
Praise Hosana.
Praise Hosana.
336
00:15:36,336 --> 00:15:39,266
Brown, do you have a clip
that you can, uh--?
337
00:15:39,372 --> 00:15:42,082
Sure. Uh, yes.
Well, this is a clip of--
338
00:15:42,175 --> 00:15:44,275
Of Forrest in the--
Show the clip.
339
00:15:44,377 --> 00:15:47,247
No, no, no. I'm s--
I'm gonna talk--
340
00:15:47,347 --> 00:15:50,247
We do this every day, Brown.
At this stage you show the clip.
341
00:15:50,350 --> 00:15:52,020
Scene in which
Forrest is in the--
342
00:15:52,119 --> 00:15:53,649
Show the clip!
--times of caveman.
343
00:15:53,753 --> 00:15:56,193
It's fun.
I think you'll enjoy it.
344
00:15:56,289 --> 00:15:58,759
Where'd the time machine
take me this time?
345
00:15:58,858 --> 00:16:01,528
Aw, cool, a caveman!
346
00:16:01,628 --> 00:16:03,658
Do you want a chocolate
from my box of chocolates?
347
00:16:03,763 --> 00:16:06,403
[*]
348
00:16:08,168 --> 00:16:09,568
Wow, you could make
a real fast car
349
00:16:09,669 --> 00:16:12,039
with wheels like that.
But I also like shrimp.
350
00:16:12,139 --> 00:16:15,039
Yeah, the problem,
Brown is that, um,
351
00:16:15,142 --> 00:16:17,582
the teachings of Rang,
uh, we're taught
352
00:16:17,677 --> 00:16:18,907
there are no cavemen.
353
00:16:19,012 --> 00:16:20,152
If you wanna go ahead
and, uh,
354
00:16:20,247 --> 00:16:22,147
adjust that
in your cartoon,
355
00:16:22,249 --> 00:16:24,449
we'd be happy to show it again.
356
00:16:24,551 --> 00:16:26,221
You know, there's always
one brown egg
357
00:16:26,319 --> 00:16:28,489
in the basket of beautiful
white eggs.
358
00:16:28,588 --> 00:16:30,158
On my Pap's farm,
359
00:16:30,257 --> 00:16:32,887
if we saw one brown egg
in the basket of whites,
360
00:16:32,992 --> 00:16:35,032
we'd take that brown egg
and throw it down
361
00:16:35,128 --> 00:16:36,458
and destroy it.
362
00:16:36,563 --> 00:16:37,933
It's a bad egg.
363
00:16:38,031 --> 00:16:39,771
You're a bad egg, Brown.
364
00:16:39,866 --> 00:16:41,696
Let's pray.
365
00:16:41,801 --> 00:16:43,541
[PLAYING SOFT MUSIC]
366
00:16:43,636 --> 00:16:47,436
ALL:
* Hosana chooses
What you get in life *
367
00:16:47,540 --> 00:16:51,440
* Be happy for what Hosana
Gives to you *
368
00:16:51,544 --> 00:16:55,884
* I would prefer the voice
Of Tom Hanks *
369
00:16:55,982 --> 00:17:00,292
* But I could live
With Tom Arnold too *
370
00:17:02,255 --> 00:17:05,325
It's been a challenging
year for me.
371
00:17:06,726 --> 00:17:11,456
Because my wife gained
an enormous amount of weight.
372
00:17:13,600 --> 00:17:15,340
And I thought that
I could come in here
373
00:17:15,435 --> 00:17:17,195
and I could learn
the ways of your religion.
374
00:17:17,304 --> 00:17:19,114
And I could be better.
And I could be
375
00:17:19,206 --> 00:17:20,406
just a good person.
376
00:17:20,507 --> 00:17:22,877
And for once in my life
be accepted.
377
00:17:22,975 --> 00:17:28,275
Hosana,
I'm not a good person.
378
00:17:28,381 --> 00:17:30,121
But I want your forgiveness,
379
00:17:30,217 --> 00:17:31,947
and I want you
to enter my life.
380
00:17:32,051 --> 00:17:33,391
And enter my spirit.
381
00:17:33,486 --> 00:17:36,286
And fill my heart
with your blessings.
382
00:17:36,389 --> 00:17:39,529
And I'm saying sorry to you.
383
00:17:39,626 --> 00:17:41,386
[GASPS]
384
00:17:41,494 --> 00:17:45,374
They wanna smash
the brown egg too.
385
00:17:47,100 --> 00:17:49,040
BAND:
Hosana.
386
00:17:49,136 --> 00:17:51,166
Thank you, Rang.
387
00:17:54,107 --> 00:17:55,677
We'll be right back.
388
00:17:55,775 --> 00:17:58,505
ANNOUNCER:
Coming up soon,
Behr's shocking video.
389
00:17:58,611 --> 00:18:00,151
Stay tuned.
390
00:18:00,247 --> 00:18:02,817
ANNOUNCER:
And now, here's Sunshine
to tell us more
391
00:18:02,915 --> 00:18:04,845
about the Hosana Prayer Kit.
392
00:18:04,951 --> 00:18:07,691
We also include
the prayer bowl,
393
00:18:07,787 --> 00:18:12,087
to cut your hair
for Hosana prayer ceremonies.
394
00:18:12,192 --> 00:18:14,462
The bowl can be used
to shape your cut.
395
00:18:14,561 --> 00:18:20,001
And also to contain your
hair clippings to burn.
396
00:18:20,099 --> 00:18:23,439
ANNOUNCER:
Order today and get a free can
of Pr'Air prayer freshener.
397
00:18:23,536 --> 00:18:25,406
Just spray the holy prayer
mist into your eyes
398
00:18:25,505 --> 00:18:28,535
after praying for a completely
blessed experience.
399
00:18:28,641 --> 00:18:31,441
Pr'Air is perfect
for Feast of Rang.
400
00:18:31,544 --> 00:18:34,914
Remember to keep your eyes
open to let Hosana inside.
401
00:18:35,014 --> 00:18:36,554
[*]
402
00:18:45,124 --> 00:18:46,594
ANNOUNCER:
The deluxe Hosana Prayer Kit.
403
00:18:46,693 --> 00:18:49,833
Offer up your bangs
for the Feast of Rang.
404
00:18:51,198 --> 00:18:53,298
[PLAYING UPBEAT MUSIC]
405
00:18:53,400 --> 00:18:55,600
Well, welcome back.
Praise Hosana.
406
00:18:55,702 --> 00:18:58,142
Uh, right now we have
a very exciting vocalist.
407
00:18:58,238 --> 00:18:59,908
He's our friend
Tommy Lynn Shay.
408
00:19:00,006 --> 00:19:01,206
Hosana.
409
00:19:01,308 --> 00:19:02,638
Tommy,
good to see you again.
410
00:19:02,742 --> 00:19:04,782
I heard you have a song
about your pup-pup today.
411
00:19:04,877 --> 00:19:07,007
Yes.
412
00:19:07,113 --> 00:19:09,983
He's no longer alive.
413
00:19:10,082 --> 00:19:11,452
Well, praise Hosana for that.
414
00:19:11,551 --> 00:19:13,151
I'm sure he's in
a better place.
Yeah.
415
00:19:13,253 --> 00:19:14,893
What's your pup-pup's name?
416
00:19:14,987 --> 00:19:17,157
My dog's name was Tiptoe.
417
00:19:17,257 --> 00:19:19,857
It would have been neat
if you had named him Rang.
418
00:19:19,959 --> 00:19:21,159
Uh...
419
00:19:21,261 --> 00:19:23,161
Well, why don't we hear
your song, Tommy?
420
00:19:23,263 --> 00:19:24,733
Anytime you're ready.
421
00:19:24,831 --> 00:19:27,331
[BAND PLAYING SOFT MUSIC]
422
00:19:27,434 --> 00:19:31,044
* Tiptoe, Tiptoe
423
00:19:31,137 --> 00:19:34,807
* I miss my Tiptoe
424
00:19:34,907 --> 00:19:40,347
* He'd go wherever I go
425
00:19:40,447 --> 00:19:44,617
* I miss my Tiptoe
426
00:19:46,118 --> 00:19:49,188
* He goes, "Ruff, ruff, ruff"
427
00:19:49,289 --> 00:19:52,589
* He goes, "Ruff, ruff, ruff"
428
00:19:52,692 --> 00:19:54,692
[CLEARS THROAT]
429
00:19:54,794 --> 00:19:56,104
Well, thank you, Tommy.
430
00:19:56,195 --> 00:19:58,725
Wonderful song, Tommy.
431
00:19:58,831 --> 00:20:00,671
Would you mind if we, uh,
talk to Tiptoe?
432
00:20:00,767 --> 00:20:01,567
Yes.
433
00:20:01,668 --> 00:20:03,368
Chase?
Chase, can we see the--?
434
00:20:03,470 --> 00:20:05,170
Bring that pup-pup
out there.
435
00:20:05,272 --> 00:20:06,842
[BAND PLAYING UPBEAT MUSIC]
436
00:20:06,939 --> 00:20:08,539
BEHR:
Oh, my goodness.
437
00:20:08,641 --> 00:20:10,211
Oh, Hosana.
438
00:20:10,310 --> 00:20:12,880
Quite a smell
he has still, Tommy.
439
00:20:12,979 --> 00:20:14,379
SKOTT:
Never been a fan of dogs
440
00:20:14,481 --> 00:20:16,651
because I was once bit
in the leg by a dog
441
00:20:16,749 --> 00:20:17,819
when my legs worked.
442
00:20:17,917 --> 00:20:18,987
So Tiptoe,
how does it feel
443
00:20:19,085 --> 00:20:20,515
to have a song sung
about you?
444
00:20:24,357 --> 00:20:25,757
I'll tell you what,
though.
445
00:20:25,858 --> 00:20:27,588
Tiptoe could take a bite
out of my legs right now,
446
00:20:27,694 --> 00:20:30,164
wouldn't feel a thing,
because these boys are done.
447
00:20:30,263 --> 00:20:31,733
Praise Rang.
448
00:20:31,831 --> 00:20:33,901
SKOTT:
Well, thank you
Tiptoe for--
449
00:20:34,000 --> 00:20:35,800
Oh, fuck.
450
00:20:35,902 --> 00:20:37,642
Um...
451
00:20:37,737 --> 00:20:39,207
He's going down.
452
00:20:39,306 --> 00:20:40,806
Hold on.
453
00:20:40,907 --> 00:20:42,437
Chase!
454
00:20:42,542 --> 00:20:45,852
[BAND PLAYING SOFT MUSIC]
455
00:20:45,945 --> 00:20:47,145
BEHR:
Get him up, Chase.
456
00:20:47,246 --> 00:20:48,476
Unh, watch the balls!
457
00:20:48,581 --> 00:20:51,551
I'm doing all
the work here, Chase!
458
00:20:51,651 --> 00:20:53,021
Damn it!
459
00:20:53,119 --> 00:20:55,419
Get up. There we go.
460
00:20:55,522 --> 00:20:58,062
Yeah he's on my--
The fucking dog's on my face!
461
00:20:58,157 --> 00:20:59,287
Hosana.
462
00:20:59,392 --> 00:21:01,032
Get the fuck off me!
Tommy!
463
00:21:01,127 --> 00:21:03,257
Hosana.
Get this dog out of here!
464
00:21:03,363 --> 00:21:06,503
ALL:
Hosana. Hosana.
465
00:21:06,599 --> 00:21:09,169
Get the fucking dog
out of here, Chase.
466
00:21:09,268 --> 00:21:13,268
ALL:
Hosana. Hosana.
467
00:21:13,373 --> 00:21:16,643
Hosana. Hosana.
468
00:21:16,743 --> 00:21:19,983
Hosana. Hosana.
469
00:21:20,079 --> 00:21:24,079
Hosana. Hosana.
470
00:21:24,183 --> 00:21:25,453
Thank you so much
for tuning in
471
00:21:25,552 --> 00:21:27,492
with Morning Prayer
With Skott & Behr.
472
00:21:27,587 --> 00:21:30,457
Hosana praise to you,
Rang, in the highest.
473
00:21:30,557 --> 00:21:32,527
ANNOUNCER:
Stay tuned to see if Skott
474
00:21:32,625 --> 00:21:35,025
will show Behr's
shocking video.
475
00:21:35,127 --> 00:21:35,927
[PLAYING UPBEAT MUSIC]
476
00:21:36,028 --> 00:21:37,098
[BOTH LAUGH]
477
00:21:37,196 --> 00:21:38,566
You stop.
It is true.
478
00:21:38,665 --> 00:21:40,725
Censor yourself for once.
[LAUGHS]
479
00:21:40,833 --> 00:21:42,543
That's all we have for today.
Thank you--
480
00:21:42,635 --> 00:21:44,695
Whoa. Hold on, time out.
There's one more thing.
481
00:21:44,804 --> 00:21:46,574
We gotta get to the tape.
Oh, no.
482
00:21:46,673 --> 00:21:48,313
This tape,
this very damaging--
483
00:21:48,408 --> 00:21:49,908
No, please.
Hey, come on.
484
00:21:50,009 --> 00:21:51,609
No, ha-ha,
you're not gonna
485
00:21:51,711 --> 00:21:53,281
wan to miss a second
of this tape.
486
00:21:53,380 --> 00:21:56,180
Of our friend Behr here
apparently making love
487
00:21:56,282 --> 00:21:58,492
to a woman. And I can't
even say for sure
488
00:21:58,585 --> 00:21:59,885
if it is a woman.
It looks as if it
489
00:21:59,986 --> 00:22:02,516
might even be a man
dressed up as a woman.
490
00:22:02,622 --> 00:22:05,322
Chase, come here. Take this.
Chase--
491
00:22:05,425 --> 00:22:07,355
It's all cued up.
Just load her in the Betamax.
492
00:22:07,460 --> 00:22:09,700
No, Donna. Turn off--
Chase!
493
00:22:09,796 --> 00:22:11,426
You gotta do this
one thing for me,
494
00:22:11,531 --> 00:22:13,701
and I won't press play.
What's that?
495
00:22:15,334 --> 00:22:18,374
I need you to fix my legs.
496
00:22:19,739 --> 00:22:22,139
Skott, Hosana knows I'd
do anything for you, buddy.
497
00:22:22,241 --> 00:22:24,241
But I--
Roll the tape!
498
00:22:24,343 --> 00:22:25,513
Skott, I can't fix--
499
00:22:25,612 --> 00:22:27,112
I don't have the power
to fix your legs.
500
00:22:27,213 --> 00:22:30,383
[MOANING]
501
00:22:30,483 --> 00:22:32,323
No, no, stop.
Okay, I'll fix your legs.
502
00:22:32,419 --> 00:22:33,989
Okay, Chase, stop it.
Okay!
503
00:22:34,086 --> 00:22:36,186
SKOTT: Cut the tape.
Okay! I'll fix your legs.
504
00:22:36,288 --> 00:22:38,728
I'll fix these.
Let's see.
505
00:22:38,825 --> 00:22:40,355
[GRUNTS]
Get him on the table.
506
00:22:40,460 --> 00:22:43,600
[BAND PLAYING SOFT MUSIC]
507
00:22:45,264 --> 00:22:47,574
[SKOTT GRUNTING]
508
00:22:54,273 --> 00:22:56,183
Careful.
509
00:22:56,275 --> 00:22:59,445
No. No. No. Chase!
510
00:22:59,546 --> 00:23:01,706
[SKOTT SCREAMING]
511
00:23:03,916 --> 00:23:06,416
[SCREAMING]
512
00:23:06,519 --> 00:23:08,989
[BONES CRACKING]
513
00:23:09,088 --> 00:23:10,718
[SCREAMS]
514
00:23:13,426 --> 00:23:15,696
ANNOUNCER:
Tennessee Ernie Tuxedo,
515
00:23:15,795 --> 00:23:17,855
known as Tennessee Winston
516
00:23:17,964 --> 00:23:22,904
Luke Luther Winston
Fortenberry, AFTRA.
517
00:23:24,236 --> 00:23:26,636
[*]
518
00:23:33,880 --> 00:23:35,880
[*]
519
00:23:38,651 --> 00:23:41,591
[WESTERN ACCENT]
Howdy, I'm Cowboy,
520
00:23:41,688 --> 00:23:45,358
the salesman formerly known
as Ed Haligan.
521
00:23:45,458 --> 00:23:47,428
True to our motto here
at Funny or Die,
522
00:23:47,527 --> 00:23:50,257
we let you
the viewer decide.
523
00:23:50,362 --> 00:23:53,432
It's either
funny or die.
524
00:23:53,533 --> 00:23:54,803
Over these
last 10 weeks,
525
00:23:54,901 --> 00:23:57,471
it's become painfully
obvious to everyone,
526
00:23:57,570 --> 00:24:01,170
most of all me,
that we died.
527
00:24:01,273 --> 00:24:03,583
We died big time.
528
00:24:03,676 --> 00:24:06,976
And so I must die.
529
00:24:07,079 --> 00:24:09,319
MAN:
Don't do it, Ed! You have
so much to live for!
530
00:24:09,415 --> 00:24:11,515
Oh, yeah, do I?
What? What?
531
00:24:11,618 --> 00:24:14,018
I've already cashed out
my 401(k) seven times over
532
00:24:14,120 --> 00:24:17,020
to fund the endless nights
of crawling into a bottle
533
00:24:17,123 --> 00:24:19,763
of Day Timer brand
Businessman's Scotch--
534
00:24:19,859 --> 00:24:21,859
[*]
535
00:24:24,831 --> 00:24:27,301
Slipping into a pair
of faux cashmere pajamas,
536
00:24:27,399 --> 00:24:29,569
longing for something,
anything.
537
00:24:29,669 --> 00:24:32,039
A sense of adventure,
a trip on the high seas to--
538
00:24:32,138 --> 00:24:35,468
To Cleveland.
Anything but the last 90 days
539
00:24:35,575 --> 00:24:38,575
of drudgery selling
this crap to you morons.
540
00:24:38,678 --> 00:24:41,148
Every night succumbing
to a dizzying morass
541
00:24:41,247 --> 00:24:43,447
of men's magazines like
542
00:24:43,550 --> 00:24:45,650
Jiggling Flank
and Soaked Kitty
543
00:24:45,752 --> 00:24:47,752
worn and frayed
from over-handling.
544
00:24:47,854 --> 00:24:50,924
Waking up every morning
in a pool of my own juices.
545
00:24:51,023 --> 00:24:54,193
A mixture of sales-jizz,
Day Timer Scotch, vomit,
546
00:24:54,293 --> 00:24:56,603
and an unidentified foam.
547
00:24:57,797 --> 00:25:01,467
[CRYING]
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
548
00:25:01,568 --> 00:25:04,838
I-- I just
can't do it no more!
549
00:25:04,937 --> 00:25:07,067
[SOBBING]
550
00:25:07,173 --> 00:25:08,713
[GUNSHOT]
551
00:25:08,808 --> 00:25:10,078
[THUD]
552
00:25:12,344 --> 00:25:14,754
[*]
553
00:25:18,050 --> 00:25:19,920
[*]
38361
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