Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
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00:00:07,741 --> 00:00:10,741
[*]
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00:00:10,844 --> 00:00:12,784
Left, left!
Go right, go right!
3
00:00:12,880 --> 00:00:15,750
Go left! Go right!
[SCREAMING]
4
00:00:15,849 --> 00:00:17,149
I do my job.
5
00:00:17,251 --> 00:00:19,521
What kind of job's that?
A hand job? No.
6
00:00:19,620 --> 00:00:21,490
[GRUNTS]
7
00:00:21,589 --> 00:00:22,519
[BLOWS RASPBERRY]
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DR. BRAIN:
Oh, that's real mature.
9
00:00:24,858 --> 00:00:26,188
God!
10
00:00:26,294 --> 00:00:28,634
Why do you spite me?
11
00:00:28,729 --> 00:00:30,759
[GRUNTING]
12
00:00:30,864 --> 00:00:33,704
Whoa!
13
00:00:33,801 --> 00:00:34,801
Doughnuts.
14
00:00:34,902 --> 00:00:37,512
[*]
15
00:00:47,281 --> 00:00:49,021
I'm gonna let you know
right off the bat
16
00:00:49,117 --> 00:00:50,377
that I've been drinking.
17
00:00:50,484 --> 00:00:51,924
Too much?
18
00:00:52,019 --> 00:00:53,689
Is there such a thing?
19
00:00:53,787 --> 00:00:55,387
Can you drink too much?
20
00:00:55,489 --> 00:00:58,389
I don't know.
I'm not Socrates.
21
00:00:58,492 --> 00:01:00,332
I'm in marketing,
for crying out loud.
22
00:01:00,428 --> 00:01:02,028
I'm basically
like any other guy.
23
00:01:02,130 --> 00:01:03,300
I want a new boat,
24
00:01:03,397 --> 00:01:04,767
I want some
of the secretaries here
25
00:01:04,865 --> 00:01:07,165
at Funny or Die to understand
my wife and I have a--
26
00:01:07,268 --> 00:01:09,068
An "agreement."
27
00:01:09,170 --> 00:01:11,210
And I want to start drinking
at 2 in the afternoon.
28
00:01:11,305 --> 00:01:13,365
Where's the crime
in that?
29
00:01:13,474 --> 00:01:15,284
Speaking of crime,
we at Funny or Die
30
00:01:15,376 --> 00:01:17,106
agreed to make
some television
31
00:01:17,211 --> 00:01:20,251
with funds supplied
by our friends over at HBO.
32
00:01:21,349 --> 00:01:23,049
Currently there
is an investigation
33
00:01:23,151 --> 00:01:24,491
into what became
of those funds.
34
00:01:24,585 --> 00:01:26,645
But in the meantime,
without any money at all,
35
00:01:26,754 --> 00:01:29,994
we were able to cobble together
this half hour of shit.
36
00:01:30,090 --> 00:01:31,630
I'm not telling you
to watch it.
37
00:01:31,725 --> 00:01:35,655
I'm just letting you know
what's happening.
38
00:01:40,634 --> 00:01:42,644
[*]
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00:02:04,925 --> 00:02:08,625
ANNOUNCER:
Tonight,
on the Funny or Die Network:
40
00:02:08,729 --> 00:02:12,529
It's the Amazing Adventures
of David & Jennie.
41
00:02:12,633 --> 00:02:15,973
The final episode
of Designated Driver,
42
00:02:16,069 --> 00:02:19,009
starring Rob Riggle
and Paul Scheer.
43
00:02:19,106 --> 00:02:20,706
Space Baby.
44
00:02:20,808 --> 00:02:24,948
Dave Koechner's
Men of Unquiet Desperation.
45
00:02:25,045 --> 00:02:28,575
And a sketch from Day by Day.
46
00:02:32,019 --> 00:02:34,419
[BIRD CHIRPING]
47
00:02:34,522 --> 00:02:37,962
Wow. It's so pretty.
Such a beautiful view.
48
00:02:38,058 --> 00:02:39,388
We should get a picture.
49
00:02:39,493 --> 00:02:41,093
Yeah.
50
00:02:41,195 --> 00:02:43,425
Oh, hi.
Excuse me?
51
00:02:43,531 --> 00:02:47,071
Hello? Would you
take a picture of us?
52
00:02:47,167 --> 00:02:48,667
Okay.
53
00:02:48,769 --> 00:02:50,769
[*]
54
00:02:58,346 --> 00:03:00,176
Do you guys have a camera?
55
00:03:00,281 --> 00:03:02,581
BOTH:
No.
56
00:03:02,683 --> 00:03:04,923
You know, how am I--
BOTH: Do you?
57
00:03:05,018 --> 00:03:07,318
No I don't. No.
58
00:03:08,989 --> 00:03:10,219
Okay, yeah.
Okay.
59
00:03:10,324 --> 00:03:12,934
Thank-- Thank you.
Thank you.
60
00:03:13,026 --> 00:03:16,626
Okay.
Oh, right.
61
00:03:16,730 --> 00:03:17,670
Crazy.
62
00:03:17,765 --> 00:03:21,095
Who's that?
What a loco cabeza.
63
00:03:21,201 --> 00:03:22,971
[BOTH LAUGH]
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00:03:25,839 --> 00:03:27,839
[*]
65
00:03:37,117 --> 00:03:38,647
Oh, here we are.
Oh.
66
00:03:38,752 --> 00:03:39,922
Zagat rated.
67
00:03:40,020 --> 00:03:41,660
Let's do it.
68
00:03:43,757 --> 00:03:46,587
"Tang's Donuts.
You won't be able to leave."
69
00:03:46,694 --> 00:03:47,734
BOTH:
Huh.
70
00:03:47,828 --> 00:03:49,358
[DOOR CHIMES]
71
00:03:49,463 --> 00:03:52,103
Hi,
welcome to Tang's Donuts.
72
00:03:52,199 --> 00:03:54,439
I'm Mr. Tang.
How can I help you?
73
00:03:54,535 --> 00:03:57,505
Uh, hi, I'm gonna have
a Chocolate Long John.
74
00:03:57,605 --> 00:04:02,175
Um, two Paul's Balls
and a Jelly Jean Jammer.
75
00:04:02,276 --> 00:04:05,706
Okay, we also have some
really old Glazed Holes.
76
00:04:05,813 --> 00:04:08,153
Oh, that sounds really good.
I'm gonna have a dozen.
77
00:04:08,248 --> 00:04:10,678
David look,
they're hiring!
78
00:04:11,585 --> 00:04:12,885
Jennie,
we're on vacation.
79
00:04:12,986 --> 00:04:13,946
No jobs.
80
00:04:14,054 --> 00:04:15,624
But I love jobs.
81
00:04:15,723 --> 00:04:16,963
Get a job.
82
00:04:18,392 --> 00:04:20,032
Jennie,
we're not getting a jo--
83
00:04:20,127 --> 00:04:22,457
Hey, check this out.
84
00:04:23,464 --> 00:04:25,604
[DRUMS BEATING]
85
00:04:29,269 --> 00:04:31,469
[FLUTE PLAYING JAZZY MUSIC]
86
00:04:38,078 --> 00:04:39,648
[DOOR CHIMES]
87
00:04:40,748 --> 00:04:42,548
[BLOWING AIR]
88
00:04:46,420 --> 00:04:47,490
[DOOR CHIMES]
89
00:04:47,588 --> 00:04:51,058
[SAXOPHONE PLAYING JAZZY MUSIC]
90
00:04:51,158 --> 00:04:53,628
[ALL PLAYING JAZZY MUSIC]
91
00:04:58,131 --> 00:05:01,001
[ALL LAUGH]
92
00:05:01,101 --> 00:05:03,441
Wow,
that last 15 seconds
93
00:05:03,537 --> 00:05:05,437
was the best minute
of my life.
94
00:05:05,539 --> 00:05:06,269
Aw!
95
00:05:06,374 --> 00:05:08,084
What do we do next,
boss?
96
00:05:08,175 --> 00:05:10,935
You have to go in the basement
and watch the training video.
97
00:05:11,044 --> 00:05:12,954
Cool.
98
00:05:13,046 --> 00:05:14,516
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
99
00:05:14,615 --> 00:05:17,845
Hello, and welcome to
Mr. Tang's House of Donuts.
100
00:05:17,951 --> 00:05:19,921
[GRUNTING]
101
00:05:20,020 --> 00:05:23,190
Whoa!
102
00:05:23,290 --> 00:05:24,930
Doughnuts.
103
00:05:25,025 --> 00:05:27,285
Oh, wow.
104
00:05:27,395 --> 00:05:29,425
If you're watching this,
105
00:05:29,530 --> 00:05:31,670
you've probably been
locked in the basement.
106
00:05:31,765 --> 00:05:32,925
[*]
107
00:05:33,033 --> 00:05:35,003
[LOCKS CLICKING]
108
00:05:35,102 --> 00:05:37,242
This is weird.
109
00:05:37,337 --> 00:05:38,837
This is not weird.
110
00:05:38,939 --> 00:05:41,109
This is my way of saying
111
00:05:41,208 --> 00:05:43,408
live in my basement.
112
00:05:43,511 --> 00:05:46,381
Eat nothing but dust.
113
00:05:46,480 --> 00:05:49,150
Go to the bathroom
in a bucket.
114
00:05:49,249 --> 00:05:51,519
And live with me forever.
115
00:05:51,619 --> 00:05:53,819
I think you're gonna
like it here.
116
00:05:53,921 --> 00:05:56,261
* Tang's Donuts
117
00:05:56,356 --> 00:05:58,426
* You won't be able to leave
118
00:05:58,526 --> 00:06:00,156
Unh! Huh!
119
00:06:00,260 --> 00:06:01,930
Pesky doughnuts.
120
00:06:02,029 --> 00:06:05,499
Also, another interesting fact
about Tang's Donuts:
121
00:06:05,599 --> 00:06:08,339
There's no reason
to look under the flower pot.
122
00:06:08,436 --> 00:06:10,266
'Cause there is nothing there.
123
00:06:10,370 --> 00:06:12,870
It'd just be a waste
of your time.
124
00:06:13,841 --> 00:06:15,881
Whoa, what are you doing there?
125
00:06:15,976 --> 00:06:17,546
Aah!
Aah!
126
00:06:17,645 --> 00:06:19,075
If you think there's
a key under there,
127
00:06:19,179 --> 00:06:21,979
you're foolin' yourselves.
128
00:06:22,082 --> 00:06:23,482
That's not a key.
129
00:06:23,584 --> 00:06:27,094
Um, okay, it is a key.
130
00:06:27,187 --> 00:06:29,917
But don't use it to unlock that
door at the top of the stairs.
131
00:06:30,023 --> 00:06:33,333
Guys. Stop it.
132
00:06:33,427 --> 00:06:34,757
Oh, no!
133
00:06:34,862 --> 00:06:36,832
[*]
134
00:06:36,930 --> 00:06:39,030
Oh, no!
135
00:06:39,132 --> 00:06:41,472
We quit!
Yeah, shove it.
136
00:06:41,569 --> 00:06:44,069
Wait!
Do-nut leave, you guys.
137
00:06:45,573 --> 00:06:46,913
Bagel your pardon, Tang,
138
00:06:47,007 --> 00:06:48,837
but you locked us
in the basement.
139
00:06:48,942 --> 00:06:50,842
Don't you think that's
a little bit cruller?
140
00:06:50,944 --> 00:06:53,614
Yeah, you really hurt
our cream fillings.
141
00:06:53,714 --> 00:06:55,084
Get back in the basement?
142
00:06:55,182 --> 00:06:57,022
Okay.
Don't, it's a trick.
143
00:06:57,117 --> 00:06:59,687
What the h--
144
00:06:59,787 --> 00:07:02,187
Well, could I at least
take a picture of you
145
00:07:02,289 --> 00:07:03,719
before you leave?
146
00:07:03,824 --> 00:07:06,894
A little something
to remember you by?
147
00:07:06,994 --> 00:07:08,264
Okay.
148
00:07:08,361 --> 00:07:09,431
Yeah, okay.
Fine, fine.
149
00:07:09,530 --> 00:07:10,930
Okay, yeah.
150
00:07:11,031 --> 00:07:12,531
Get together.
151
00:07:15,402 --> 00:07:16,942
Smile.
152
00:07:17,037 --> 00:07:19,737
[*]
153
00:07:28,315 --> 00:07:30,715
[*]
154
00:07:35,088 --> 00:07:37,458
[*]
155
00:07:40,060 --> 00:07:42,460
[*]
156
00:07:45,899 --> 00:07:47,539
[GASPS]
157
00:07:51,939 --> 00:07:54,469
[*]
158
00:07:54,575 --> 00:07:55,675
[PHONE RINGS]
159
00:07:55,776 --> 00:07:57,646
Hey, I'm drunk.
Pick my ass up!
160
00:07:57,745 --> 00:07:59,045
Oh, fuck! Doughnuts!
161
00:07:59,146 --> 00:08:00,306
Oh!
No, no, no!
162
00:08:00,413 --> 00:08:02,053
Pow! Whoo!
163
00:08:02,149 --> 00:08:03,349
Drive!
Don't yell!
164
00:08:03,450 --> 00:08:04,790
Booty call,
motherfucker!
165
00:08:04,885 --> 00:08:06,285
She's married!
Her husband!
166
00:08:06,386 --> 00:08:08,416
Who are you?
No-- Aah! Oh!
167
00:08:08,522 --> 00:08:10,822
[GRUNTS]
168
00:08:10,924 --> 00:08:12,264
[LAUGHS]
169
00:08:12,359 --> 00:08:13,929
It's a night of reckoning!
170
00:08:14,027 --> 00:08:15,227
Whoo!
171
00:08:15,328 --> 00:08:17,398
I'm the fuckin' devil!
172
00:08:17,497 --> 00:08:18,897
What do you think about that,
Glenn?
173
00:08:18,999 --> 00:08:21,269
That's not Glenn.
We went to the wrong house.
174
00:08:21,368 --> 00:08:22,438
What the hell's going on?
175
00:08:22,536 --> 00:08:23,636
It's Glenn.
Barry?
176
00:08:23,737 --> 00:08:25,907
[BOTH SCREAMING]
177
00:08:26,006 --> 00:08:28,006
[*]
178
00:08:33,346 --> 00:08:34,576
If there was a robot,
179
00:08:34,682 --> 00:08:38,492
that you could have
intercourse with,
180
00:08:38,586 --> 00:08:39,916
is that weird?
Are you being a weirdo?
181
00:08:40,020 --> 00:08:41,450
Because if they're made
for that--
182
00:08:41,555 --> 00:08:43,385
That's not--
I have a robot that I fuck.
183
00:08:43,490 --> 00:08:44,860
It's--
What?
184
00:08:44,958 --> 00:08:47,428
It's a doll that I put
a Darth Vader mask on.
185
00:08:47,527 --> 00:08:48,927
But--
That is fucked up.
186
00:08:49,029 --> 00:08:51,229
That's what I'm saying.
It's not fucked up.
187
00:08:51,331 --> 00:08:52,731
I gotta tell you something.
Yeah?
188
00:08:52,833 --> 00:08:54,803
This is the best night
of my life, man.
189
00:08:54,902 --> 00:08:57,572
Oh, dude, I haven't had
this much fun forever.
190
00:08:57,671 --> 00:08:59,171
Barry,
what the fuck, man?!
191
00:08:59,272 --> 00:09:00,812
Shut the fuck up,
Glenn!
192
00:09:00,908 --> 00:09:03,378
TABACK:
Seriously, shut the fuck up!
193
00:09:03,476 --> 00:09:04,806
Help me, please!
Call 911!
194
00:09:04,912 --> 00:09:06,452
Time to pay the piper,
motherfucker!
195
00:09:06,546 --> 00:09:08,016
Oh.
Please, God, don't kill me!
196
00:09:08,115 --> 00:09:11,375
You've been pranked!
You've been car pranked!
197
00:09:11,484 --> 00:09:13,124
My friend Taback's
got a ranch.
198
00:09:13,220 --> 00:09:15,620
We're gonna take you up there,
and we're gonna put your body
199
00:09:15,723 --> 00:09:17,323
in his hot tub.
We're gonna drowned you!
200
00:09:17,424 --> 00:09:19,634
How many dead bodies could fit
in that tub, my friend?
201
00:09:19,727 --> 00:09:21,457
What? Yeah!
Sixteen, yeah?
202
00:09:21,561 --> 00:09:23,961
Sixteen of you!
And when you're dead,
203
00:09:24,064 --> 00:09:26,174
we're gonna bring you out
back to the horses,
204
00:09:26,266 --> 00:09:27,866
and feed your body to them.
205
00:09:27,968 --> 00:09:29,398
They eat your flesh, right?
206
00:09:29,502 --> 00:09:30,642
GLENN:
Somebody help me!
207
00:09:30,738 --> 00:09:32,808
Plug that shit
in the GPS, Taback.
208
00:09:32,906 --> 00:09:33,966
GLENN:
I don't wanna die!
209
00:09:34,074 --> 00:09:35,544
Yeah, well,
about that, Barry.
210
00:09:35,643 --> 00:09:38,113
I, uh...
I don't have a ranch.
211
00:09:38,211 --> 00:09:39,481
What do you mean?
212
00:09:39,579 --> 00:09:41,379
I don't have a ranch.
I don't have horses.
213
00:09:41,481 --> 00:09:43,481
I ain't fuckin' with you.
Ha-ha.
214
00:09:43,583 --> 00:09:45,253
No, listen to me.
I don't even have--
215
00:09:45,352 --> 00:09:46,392
I don't even have
a hot tub.
216
00:09:46,486 --> 00:09:47,816
GLENN:
You don't have a hot tub?
217
00:09:47,921 --> 00:09:49,291
Anybody can
afford a hot tub.
218
00:09:49,389 --> 00:09:50,659
Shut the fuck up,
Glenn!
219
00:09:50,758 --> 00:09:52,688
Why would you lie to me?
220
00:09:52,793 --> 00:09:55,603
I'm a fuck-up, all right?
I don't know what to tell you.
221
00:09:55,696 --> 00:09:58,826
I've been lying,
about a lot of shit.
222
00:09:58,932 --> 00:10:00,472
I don't even have
a girlfriend, dude.
223
00:10:00,567 --> 00:10:02,137
That-- That booty call?
224
00:10:02,235 --> 00:10:03,335
She's a hooker.
225
00:10:03,436 --> 00:10:04,496
What?
226
00:10:04,604 --> 00:10:06,874
I don't have a job.
I got fired today.
227
00:10:06,974 --> 00:10:08,644
I think I got
a drinking problem.
228
00:10:08,742 --> 00:10:09,642
I mean, look,
229
00:10:09,743 --> 00:10:10,843
you're the only friend I got
230
00:10:10,944 --> 00:10:12,254
in the whole world, man.
231
00:10:12,345 --> 00:10:14,475
And I managed to fuck
your life up too tonight.
232
00:10:14,581 --> 00:10:16,851
I don't have anything, man,
all right?
233
00:10:16,950 --> 00:10:18,690
I'm a total fucking failure.
234
00:10:18,786 --> 00:10:20,216
I lied to you.
235
00:10:20,320 --> 00:10:22,690
Fucked up my life,
I'm fucking up your life.
236
00:10:22,790 --> 00:10:24,660
And we're gonna end up
killing Glenn tonight.
237
00:10:24,758 --> 00:10:26,488
GLENN:
No, God! No, don't kill me!
238
00:10:26,593 --> 00:10:27,933
No, no,
we're not gonna kill Glenn.
239
00:10:28,028 --> 00:10:30,228
GLENN: Oh, thank God.
You're not a fuck-up either.
240
00:10:30,330 --> 00:10:31,700
Yeah?
241
00:10:31,799 --> 00:10:34,429
And you don't probably have
a drinking problem.
242
00:10:34,534 --> 00:10:36,244
Y-You do have
a drinking problem.
243
00:10:36,336 --> 00:10:38,406
But you're a good guy.
244
00:10:38,505 --> 00:10:40,505
A real good guy,
right, Glenn?
245
00:10:40,607 --> 00:10:41,707
I don't really know him.
246
00:10:41,809 --> 00:10:43,409
Tell him he's the best,
Glenn!
247
00:10:43,510 --> 00:10:44,850
You're the best!
248
00:10:44,945 --> 00:10:47,505
Hey, I'm sorry
I fucked your life up.
249
00:10:47,614 --> 00:10:48,524
Can you forgive me?
250
00:10:48,615 --> 00:10:50,015
You didn't fuck my life up.
251
00:10:50,117 --> 00:10:51,147
I owe you.
252
00:10:51,251 --> 00:10:52,521
I owe you a taco.
253
00:10:52,619 --> 00:10:54,619
Yeah. Ha-ha.
254
00:10:54,722 --> 00:10:55,622
A fuckin' taco.
255
00:10:55,723 --> 00:10:57,393
Taco?
Yeah, a taco.
256
00:10:57,490 --> 00:10:59,630
GLENN:
Why don't you suck
each other's dicks?
257
00:10:59,727 --> 00:11:01,857
BOTH:
Shut the fuck up, Glenn!
258
00:11:05,632 --> 00:11:08,142
BARRY:
Run!
259
00:11:08,235 --> 00:11:09,595
TABACK:
All right.
260
00:11:09,703 --> 00:11:11,603
Let's get our grub on!
261
00:11:11,705 --> 00:11:15,575
Ah, yes.
Love it. After you.
262
00:11:15,675 --> 00:11:17,945
BOTH:
Whoa! No, no, no!
263
00:11:18,045 --> 00:11:20,545
Come on, man.
It's always, like, 5 to 4.
264
00:11:20,647 --> 00:11:22,847
Your sign says you
don't close till 4, man!
265
00:11:22,950 --> 00:11:24,080
[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]
266
00:11:24,184 --> 00:11:25,054
What?
267
00:11:25,152 --> 00:11:26,752
What the fuck did
he just say?
268
00:11:26,854 --> 00:11:29,494
Whatever, he's--
He said whatever.
269
00:11:29,589 --> 00:11:31,459
Oh, God!
270
00:11:31,558 --> 00:11:34,128
Why do you spite me?
271
00:11:34,227 --> 00:11:36,557
Jesus Christ.
272
00:11:36,663 --> 00:11:39,003
[GROANS]
273
00:11:39,099 --> 00:11:41,599
[BARRY YELLS]
274
00:11:41,701 --> 00:11:43,071
[*]
275
00:11:43,170 --> 00:11:45,310
Whoo!
276
00:11:46,506 --> 00:11:49,506
This one's on me.
277
00:11:49,609 --> 00:11:52,349
Yeah,
that's what I'm talkin' about!
278
00:11:52,445 --> 00:11:55,875
[*]
279
00:12:02,455 --> 00:12:04,215
[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]
280
00:12:10,630 --> 00:12:12,170
[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]
281
00:12:12,265 --> 00:12:13,865
Shh, shh.
282
00:12:13,967 --> 00:12:16,767
[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]
283
00:12:20,640 --> 00:12:23,240
[YELLING IN SPANISH]
284
00:12:26,113 --> 00:12:28,383
[*]
285
00:12:31,618 --> 00:12:34,318
[GUNS COCK]
286
00:12:34,421 --> 00:12:36,721
Don't move! Don't move!
Put your hands on your heads.
287
00:12:36,824 --> 00:12:38,534
All right, hold on.
Everybody relax.
288
00:12:38,625 --> 00:12:39,655
Hands on your heads!
289
00:12:39,759 --> 00:12:40,889
TABACK:
Hold on a sec, guys.
290
00:12:40,994 --> 00:12:44,164
This man is completely
innocent, all right?
291
00:12:44,264 --> 00:12:46,134
He is my hostage.
292
00:12:46,233 --> 00:12:48,443
And I forced him
to drive me around tonight.
293
00:12:48,535 --> 00:12:49,835
That's a fact.
294
00:12:49,937 --> 00:12:51,907
Is that true?
295
00:12:53,941 --> 00:12:56,541
Yeah. Yeah.
296
00:12:56,643 --> 00:12:57,913
All right.
297
00:12:58,011 --> 00:12:59,951
Cuff him. We'll get
a statement from him.
298
00:13:00,047 --> 00:13:02,277
Ah.
299
00:13:07,687 --> 00:13:09,157
[SIREN WAILING]
300
00:13:09,256 --> 00:13:11,416
Oh, jeez.
301
00:13:12,592 --> 00:13:15,432
Jeez.
302
00:13:15,528 --> 00:13:17,358
Devil.
303
00:13:17,464 --> 00:13:18,674
[LAUGHS]
304
00:13:18,765 --> 00:13:19,965
How's it goin',
Green Mile?
305
00:13:20,067 --> 00:13:22,937
Wow, what a night,
huh?
306
00:13:24,637 --> 00:13:26,437
Barry?
You still hungry?
307
00:13:26,539 --> 00:13:27,979
Hell, yeah!
308
00:13:29,242 --> 00:13:30,242
Hey.
309
00:13:30,343 --> 00:13:32,083
Who are you guys?
[ENGINE STARTS]
310
00:13:32,179 --> 00:13:34,449
Let's do this!
TABACK: Yes!
311
00:13:34,547 --> 00:13:36,247
[TIRES SQUEALING]
312
00:13:36,349 --> 00:13:37,579
[SIREN WAILING]
313
00:13:37,684 --> 00:13:40,294
[*]
314
00:13:49,696 --> 00:13:51,896
[*]
315
00:13:56,569 --> 00:13:58,569
[*]
316
00:14:03,911 --> 00:14:05,381
[*]
317
00:14:05,478 --> 00:14:07,578
DR. BRAIN:
The professor is meeting
with Space Baby
318
00:14:07,680 --> 00:14:10,450
to give her
important information.
319
00:14:10,550 --> 00:14:14,590
You must stop them,
and kill Space Baby.
320
00:14:14,687 --> 00:14:15,787
[*]
321
00:14:15,889 --> 00:14:19,529
* Space Baby
322
00:14:19,626 --> 00:14:22,296
ANNOUNCER:
All we know about Space Baby
is that she's from Earth.
323
00:14:22,395 --> 00:14:24,555
And she travels the galaxies
looking for a one-eyed man,
324
00:14:24,664 --> 00:14:26,504
who has a briefcase handcuffed
to his arm.
325
00:14:26,599 --> 00:14:28,769
And as she travels
from planet to planet,
326
00:14:28,868 --> 00:14:31,468
she rights wrongs
and helps the oppressed.
327
00:14:31,571 --> 00:14:33,141
So...
328
00:14:33,240 --> 00:14:35,410
* If you're in the black hole
329
00:14:35,508 --> 00:14:38,408
* There's only one name
You need to know *
330
00:14:38,511 --> 00:14:40,411
* Space Baby
331
00:14:40,513 --> 00:14:43,253
[*]
332
00:14:43,350 --> 00:14:46,620
[BABBLING]
333
00:14:46,719 --> 00:14:48,019
I understand.
334
00:14:48,121 --> 00:14:50,091
But I have some very important
secret information
335
00:14:50,190 --> 00:14:52,860
that proves that
the one-eyed man
336
00:14:52,960 --> 00:14:54,530
is not your enemy.
337
00:14:55,662 --> 00:14:57,662
[*]
338
00:15:00,934 --> 00:15:02,174
DR. BRAIN:
Is Space Baby dead?
339
00:15:02,269 --> 00:15:04,939
No, I did not kill
Space Baby.
340
00:15:05,038 --> 00:15:07,308
DR. BRAIN:
You have failed me
for the last time.
341
00:15:07,407 --> 00:15:09,907
So I guess
that means I'm fired.
342
00:15:10,010 --> 00:15:11,180
Well, that sucks.
343
00:15:11,278 --> 00:15:13,778
DR. BRAIN:
No, I'm going to kill you.
344
00:15:13,880 --> 00:15:14,880
Oh, that's worse.
345
00:15:14,982 --> 00:15:16,752
[POWERS HUMMING]
[CHOKING]
346
00:15:16,849 --> 00:15:19,589
[DIALING]
347
00:15:19,686 --> 00:15:21,416
[LINE RINGING]
348
00:15:21,521 --> 00:15:23,921
TRAVIS [ON RECORDING]:
This is Travis.
You know what to do.
349
00:15:24,024 --> 00:15:25,494
Damn it,
wrong number.
350
00:15:25,592 --> 00:15:27,892
[DIALING]
351
00:15:27,995 --> 00:15:29,755
[LINE RINGING]
352
00:15:29,862 --> 00:15:32,772
[RINGING]
353
00:15:32,865 --> 00:15:33,965
Hello.
354
00:15:34,067 --> 00:15:35,297
DR. BRAIN:
I need your help.
355
00:15:35,402 --> 00:15:37,202
I told you never
to call me here, Dr. Brain.
356
00:15:37,304 --> 00:15:39,044
Uh, that's my other line
I gotta take this.
357
00:15:39,139 --> 00:15:40,439
Uh, yes, I'll hold.
358
00:15:40,540 --> 00:15:41,440
Hello?
359
00:15:41,541 --> 00:15:43,181
TRAVIS:
You just called and hung up.
360
00:15:43,276 --> 00:15:45,076
No. Uh, yes.
It was the wrong number.
361
00:15:45,178 --> 00:15:46,908
I know, I saw your number
on my phone.
362
00:15:47,014 --> 00:15:48,554
Oh, thank you,
Captain Technology.
363
00:15:48,648 --> 00:15:50,648
You wouldn't say that
if you were here, pussy.
364
00:15:50,750 --> 00:15:51,780
[POWERS HUMMING]
Aah!
365
00:15:51,884 --> 00:15:53,224
Better.
366
00:15:53,320 --> 00:15:55,420
Hey, look, I'm going
to the space station.
367
00:15:55,522 --> 00:15:58,292
I need you
to get Space Baby there.
368
00:15:58,391 --> 00:16:02,401
I'm sending Space Baby
directly to you.
369
00:16:02,495 --> 00:16:04,625
[LAUGHING]
370
00:16:09,102 --> 00:16:10,672
Is that a personal call?
371
00:16:10,770 --> 00:16:13,010
Uh, no, it's just
372
00:16:13,106 --> 00:16:15,676
a guy in Sector G.
373
00:16:15,775 --> 00:16:17,535
He's... He's crazy.
374
00:16:17,644 --> 00:16:20,614
[*]
375
00:16:20,713 --> 00:16:23,383
Space Baby,
we meet at last.
376
00:16:23,483 --> 00:16:24,623
[BLOWS RASPBERRY]
377
00:16:24,717 --> 00:16:26,547
Oh, that's real mature.
378
00:16:28,055 --> 00:16:29,485
You're not very smart.
379
00:16:29,589 --> 00:16:32,459
I don't understand how people
had problems killing you.
380
00:16:32,559 --> 00:16:34,589
[BABBLING]
381
00:16:34,694 --> 00:16:36,464
[DR. BRAIN BABBLING]
382
00:16:36,563 --> 00:16:38,803
Those aren't words.
You're dumb.
383
00:16:38,898 --> 00:16:40,028
Hey, watch the tray.
384
00:16:40,133 --> 00:16:41,703
Hey, easy there, Baby.
Oh, son of a--!
385
00:16:44,037 --> 00:16:45,707
[LAUGHING]
386
00:16:45,805 --> 00:16:49,205
ANNOUNCER:
This has been another episode
of Space Baby.
387
00:16:50,043 --> 00:16:52,453
[*]
388
00:16:56,816 --> 00:16:59,016
[*]
389
00:17:03,890 --> 00:17:06,690
[*]
390
00:17:18,138 --> 00:17:20,238
Hi, Ken.
Hey, doll.
391
00:17:20,340 --> 00:17:21,840
What are you,
a Barbie doll?
392
00:17:21,941 --> 00:17:24,881
Hey,
you hear about Ken?
393
00:17:24,977 --> 00:17:26,947
Smooth down there now.
394
00:17:27,046 --> 00:17:28,376
You're Ken.
395
00:17:28,481 --> 00:17:29,521
Ken doll, no.
396
00:17:29,616 --> 00:17:31,916
But I'm not smooth down there.
I think--
397
00:17:32,018 --> 00:17:33,848
Okay.
I think some, uh, visitors
398
00:17:33,953 --> 00:17:35,923
parked in some
reserve spaces back there.
399
00:17:36,022 --> 00:17:37,562
Reserved spaces?
Were they, uh--
400
00:17:37,657 --> 00:17:39,057
Were they reservations?
401
00:17:39,159 --> 00:17:40,259
Native American,
402
00:17:40,360 --> 00:17:42,060
dances with cars. No.
403
00:17:42,162 --> 00:17:43,532
Trail of Tears.
404
00:17:43,630 --> 00:17:44,630
What?
405
00:17:44,731 --> 00:17:46,801
No.
Hey, I can't quit you.
406
00:17:46,899 --> 00:17:48,299
No.
407
00:17:48,401 --> 00:17:49,841
Hey, did you hear
about that movie?
408
00:17:49,936 --> 00:17:51,266
Brokeback Mountain?
409
00:17:51,371 --> 00:17:53,611
Yeah, lot of controversy,
huh?
410
00:17:53,706 --> 00:17:55,876
Yeah, they're doing
a lot of smokin'.
411
00:17:55,975 --> 00:17:58,445
Cock, no.
412
00:17:58,545 --> 00:18:01,145
I didn't see 'em, Ken,
so I really couldn't tell you.
413
00:18:01,248 --> 00:18:02,618
Didn't seem 'em?
Gay or not--
414
00:18:02,715 --> 00:18:05,485
Maybe you ought to
get some, uh, glasses.
415
00:18:05,585 --> 00:18:06,645
Four-eyes.
416
00:18:06,753 --> 00:18:09,123
Uh-oh! Four-eyes.
417
00:18:09,222 --> 00:18:10,622
Old Pol Pot
would've put you down.
418
00:18:10,723 --> 00:18:12,093
No.
419
00:18:12,192 --> 00:18:13,832
I don't know what you want.
420
00:18:13,926 --> 00:18:16,156
Hey,
give me your rouge.
421
00:18:16,263 --> 00:18:17,733
Come here, doggy. No.
422
00:18:17,830 --> 00:18:19,370
Doggy?
Style, no.
423
00:18:19,466 --> 00:18:20,226
Okay.
424
00:18:20,333 --> 00:18:22,373
Hey, dirty girl.
Valtrex.
425
00:18:22,469 --> 00:18:23,369
No.
426
00:18:23,470 --> 00:18:25,410
Just open the gate.
Open the gate?
427
00:18:25,505 --> 00:18:28,005
I'll be back in an hour, Ken.
Back in an hour?
428
00:18:28,107 --> 00:18:29,737
One-hour photo.
Bye.
429
00:18:29,842 --> 00:18:32,112
KEN:
You're late. Late?
What are you, pregnant? No.
430
00:18:32,212 --> 00:18:33,412
Hey don't
look at me, no.
431
00:18:33,513 --> 00:18:35,153
How many guys
you been with? No.
432
00:18:35,248 --> 00:18:37,148
Oh, I don't know
about that.
433
00:18:37,250 --> 00:18:38,790
Hey, let me
ask you something.
434
00:18:38,885 --> 00:18:40,415
Hey,
ask me something?
435
00:18:40,520 --> 00:18:43,020
Careful.
Don't ask, don't tell. No.
436
00:18:43,122 --> 00:18:44,322
Huh?
Yeah.
437
00:18:44,424 --> 00:18:45,794
Ken, what are you
doing out here?
438
00:18:45,892 --> 00:18:48,602
You're keeping people at
the gate for a really long time.
439
00:18:48,695 --> 00:18:51,095
I just want you to collect
the money and let them go.
440
00:18:51,198 --> 00:18:53,168
Let my people go.
441
00:18:53,266 --> 00:18:54,666
Gitmo. No.
442
00:18:54,767 --> 00:18:55,997
Hey?
443
00:18:56,102 --> 00:18:58,002
Tear down this wall.
444
00:18:58,104 --> 00:18:59,544
Moses, Red Seas, no.
Yeah.
445
00:18:59,639 --> 00:19:01,839
Red Seas,
chicken seed, no.
446
00:19:01,941 --> 00:19:03,511
Tuna, no. Tuna? Ah.
447
00:19:03,610 --> 00:19:05,140
This is what
I'm talking about.
448
00:19:05,245 --> 00:19:06,845
I don't know if you're aware
that you do this,
449
00:19:06,946 --> 00:19:10,046
but you insist on saying a joke
every time somebody talks.
450
00:19:10,149 --> 00:19:11,479
Hey.
And I know--
451
00:19:11,584 --> 00:19:13,424
Like, I know the job
is mind-numbing out here.
452
00:19:13,520 --> 00:19:15,520
But, you know, people,
the just wanna
453
00:19:15,622 --> 00:19:17,962
give their ticket
and then they wanna go.
454
00:19:18,057 --> 00:19:19,627
Let my people go. No.
455
00:19:19,726 --> 00:19:20,726
You already said that.
456
00:19:20,827 --> 00:19:21,857
No.
457
00:19:21,961 --> 00:19:23,261
What am I supposed to do
out here?
458
00:19:23,363 --> 00:19:24,863
You guys are fucking off
all the time.
459
00:19:24,964 --> 00:19:26,374
I got you,
and I got Bruce.
460
00:19:26,466 --> 00:19:27,966
Bruce comes to work
drunk every day.
461
00:19:28,067 --> 00:19:31,267
I mean, I gotta fire
one of you.
462
00:19:31,371 --> 00:19:32,871
So let's do this.
463
00:19:32,972 --> 00:19:34,672
If you could fire Bruce,
464
00:19:34,774 --> 00:19:35,814
you can keep your job.
465
00:19:35,908 --> 00:19:38,548
Okay?
466
00:19:38,645 --> 00:19:41,375
So you let him know that
when he comes in, all right?
467
00:19:41,481 --> 00:19:42,251
[*]
468
00:19:42,349 --> 00:19:44,119
Thanks, Ken.
469
00:19:44,217 --> 00:19:45,547
Keep my job?
470
00:19:45,652 --> 00:19:47,892
What kind of job's that?
A hand job? No.
471
00:19:47,987 --> 00:19:49,757
[WHISTLES]
472
00:19:49,856 --> 00:19:51,316
Hey, you. Ha-ha.
473
00:19:51,424 --> 00:19:53,994
Step into my office.
474
00:19:54,093 --> 00:19:56,303
Uh-oh. I'm the principal,
you the bad boy.
475
00:19:56,396 --> 00:19:58,056
[CHUCKLES]
No.
476
00:19:58,164 --> 00:19:58,904
What's going on?
477
00:19:58,998 --> 00:20:01,028
Hey, ahem,
478
00:20:01,133 --> 00:20:02,943
I've been talkin' to Dale.
Mm-hm?
479
00:20:04,237 --> 00:20:06,007
He told me to--
480
00:20:06,105 --> 00:20:08,065
Tell you...
481
00:20:08,174 --> 00:20:10,244
I'm sorry, you're fired.
482
00:20:11,177 --> 00:20:12,777
No. Heh-heh.
483
00:20:12,879 --> 00:20:14,779
Yes.
484
00:20:16,148 --> 00:20:18,248
Yes. Yes.
Really?
485
00:20:20,453 --> 00:20:23,493
Man, Ken, I just had a baby.
I really need this job.
486
00:20:23,590 --> 00:20:26,660
You should quit drinkin'.
487
00:20:27,860 --> 00:20:29,300
Yeah, Ken.
488
00:20:29,396 --> 00:20:31,626
You're right, man.
489
00:20:31,731 --> 00:20:34,001
Put the bottle down,
and have a fresh start.
490
00:20:34,100 --> 00:20:35,940
Thanks, man.
491
00:20:36,035 --> 00:20:39,235
[*]
492
00:20:44,511 --> 00:20:45,781
No.
493
00:20:49,048 --> 00:20:51,248
[*]
494
00:20:53,553 --> 00:20:55,763
[*]
495
00:21:00,259 --> 00:21:01,929
CALLIE [GIGGLING]:
I can't.
496
00:21:02,028 --> 00:21:04,258
HALIGAN:
But my wife,
she won't even be there.
497
00:21:04,364 --> 00:21:05,434
She's visiting
her sister.
498
00:21:05,532 --> 00:21:07,302
CALLIE:
Oh, just one drink.
499
00:21:07,400 --> 00:21:08,870
HALIGAN:
Of course, of course.
500
00:21:08,968 --> 00:21:10,198
One drink.
501
00:21:10,303 --> 00:21:12,843
We really need
to relax.
502
00:21:14,307 --> 00:21:16,007
[*]
503
00:21:17,977 --> 00:21:21,547
[*]
504
00:21:21,648 --> 00:21:23,818
Hey, who do you think
would win in a fight?
505
00:21:23,916 --> 00:21:25,586
Bigfoot
506
00:21:25,685 --> 00:21:26,845
or an alien?
507
00:21:26,953 --> 00:21:28,123
Hm.
508
00:21:28,220 --> 00:21:29,990
That's a good--
509
00:21:30,089 --> 00:21:31,359
Oh, shit!
510
00:21:31,458 --> 00:21:32,888
Hold that thought.
What?
511
00:21:32,992 --> 00:21:34,092
Do you know what today is?
512
00:21:34,193 --> 00:21:35,193
No, what?
513
00:21:35,294 --> 00:21:37,064
[LAUGHS]
514
00:21:37,163 --> 00:21:38,833
Yeah!
What day is it? Tell me!
515
00:21:38,931 --> 00:21:40,601
It's Tuesday!
516
00:21:40,700 --> 00:21:43,200
Holy shit, you're right!
It is Tuesday!
517
00:21:43,302 --> 00:21:44,372
Yeah!
Yeah!
518
00:21:44,471 --> 00:21:46,071
Let's go!
Yeah!
519
00:21:46,172 --> 00:21:47,272
Today is Tuesday!
520
00:21:47,374 --> 00:21:49,084
Tuesday!
521
00:21:49,175 --> 00:21:51,335
WILL:
Tuesday! Whoo!
522
00:21:51,444 --> 00:21:53,754
[BOTH CHEERING]
523
00:21:56,282 --> 00:21:58,652
Hey, what are you doing?!
524
00:21:58,751 --> 00:21:59,991
It's Tuesday!
525
00:22:00,086 --> 00:22:02,246
[SCREAMS]
526
00:22:02,355 --> 00:22:04,385
Left, left!
Go right, go right!
527
00:22:04,491 --> 00:22:07,361
Go left! Go right!
[SCREAMING]
528
00:22:07,460 --> 00:22:09,030
[BOTH SCREAMING]
529
00:22:09,128 --> 00:22:11,098
[*]
530
00:22:11,197 --> 00:22:14,167
[BOTH SCREAMING]
531
00:22:14,266 --> 00:22:16,166
[BOTH GRUNT]
532
00:22:16,268 --> 00:22:18,838
Yeah!
Oh, yeah!
533
00:22:18,938 --> 00:22:21,868
[BOTH YELLING]
534
00:22:21,974 --> 00:22:23,744
Yeah!
Yeah!
535
00:22:23,843 --> 00:22:25,853
[BOTH YELLING]
536
00:22:25,945 --> 00:22:27,045
Yeah!
Yeah!
537
00:22:27,146 --> 00:22:29,846
[BOTH YELLING]
538
00:22:32,885 --> 00:22:34,015
Yeah!
Yeah!
539
00:22:34,120 --> 00:22:36,590
[BOTH YELLING]
540
00:22:40,393 --> 00:22:41,993
BOTH:
It's Tuesday!
541
00:22:42,094 --> 00:22:44,034
[BOTH YELLING]
542
00:22:44,130 --> 00:22:45,730
[MAN SCREAMING]
543
00:22:45,832 --> 00:22:48,402
[BOTH LAUGHING]
544
00:22:51,971 --> 00:22:53,011
BOTH:
Tuesday!
545
00:22:53,105 --> 00:22:54,435
[BOTH YELLING]
546
00:22:54,541 --> 00:22:55,511
BOTH:
Yeah!
547
00:22:55,608 --> 00:22:56,638
[LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY]
548
00:22:56,743 --> 00:22:59,183
What do you want?
It's Tuesday.
549
00:22:59,278 --> 00:23:00,778
It's Tuesday! Yeah!
550
00:23:00,880 --> 00:23:02,210
Yeah!
551
00:23:02,314 --> 00:23:04,684
[ALL YELLING]
552
00:23:07,587 --> 00:23:10,657
[ALL YELLING]
553
00:23:12,725 --> 00:23:17,055
MAN [ON TV]:
Tired of working all day
for little or no money?
554
00:23:17,163 --> 00:23:20,173
[CROWD YELLING]
555
00:23:20,266 --> 00:23:21,226
Who are you?
556
00:23:21,333 --> 00:23:23,173
ALL:
It's Tuesday! Yeah!
557
00:23:23,269 --> 00:23:25,069
[SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]
558
00:23:25,171 --> 00:23:28,641
[ALL YELLING]
559
00:23:30,076 --> 00:23:31,776
Yeah!
560
00:23:31,878 --> 00:23:34,748
[*]
561
00:23:43,456 --> 00:23:45,786
[SCREAMING]
562
00:23:49,662 --> 00:23:52,502
[ALL CHEERING AND SHOUTING]
563
00:24:01,340 --> 00:24:03,240
You guys are so much fun!
564
00:24:03,342 --> 00:24:04,982
Yeah!
565
00:24:05,077 --> 00:24:07,277
[ALL CHEERING]
566
00:24:07,379 --> 00:24:10,079
Oh, yeah! Yeah!
567
00:24:10,182 --> 00:24:12,422
Tuesday!
Tuesday!
568
00:24:12,519 --> 00:24:15,889
[ALL CHEERING AND SHOUTING]
569
00:24:19,058 --> 00:24:20,288
[CLOCK CHIMES]
570
00:24:20,392 --> 00:24:21,662
It's not Tuesday anymore.
571
00:24:21,761 --> 00:24:23,931
Good night.
[WOMEN GRUNT]
572
00:24:26,398 --> 00:24:29,098
[SIGHS]
573
00:24:29,201 --> 00:24:30,771
Bigfoot.
Yeah?
574
00:24:30,870 --> 00:24:33,540
Yeah, I think Bigfoot would
be stronger than an alien.
575
00:24:33,640 --> 00:24:36,210
So chances are Bigfoot
would win in a fight.
576
00:24:36,308 --> 00:24:38,008
Yeah,
you're probably right.
577
00:24:38,110 --> 00:24:39,310
Yeah.
578
00:24:39,411 --> 00:24:41,451
[YAWNS]
579
00:24:41,548 --> 00:24:43,778
[*]
580
00:24:48,120 --> 00:24:50,520
[*]
581
00:25:00,499 --> 00:25:02,799
Wasn't that wonderful,
simply wonderful?
582
00:25:02,902 --> 00:25:05,442
Just what we've come to expect
from the creative team
583
00:25:05,538 --> 00:25:07,238
over at Funny or Die.
584
00:25:07,339 --> 00:25:09,609
Anyway,
I'll see you next time.
585
00:25:09,709 --> 00:25:11,479
Enjoy the rest
of your evening.
586
00:25:11,578 --> 00:25:13,148
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
587
00:25:13,245 --> 00:25:14,345
All right, baby, come on.
588
00:25:14,446 --> 00:25:15,576
Let's get you in a cab.
Okay.
589
00:25:15,682 --> 00:25:17,482
All right,
we gotta get out of here.
590
00:25:17,584 --> 00:25:19,154
Come on. Come on,
I got a wife.
591
00:25:19,251 --> 00:25:21,521
[CALLIE LAUGHING]
592
00:25:24,156 --> 00:25:26,556
[*]
593
00:25:30,196 --> 00:25:32,056
[*]
37775
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