All language subtitles for Funny.Or.Die.Presents.S01E09_English

[*]

Huh, what?

Oh, not what you wanted, huh?

Well, I didn't want them
to raise the price

of happy hour drinks down
at the Lamplighter either,

but they did it.
So you can suck on it!

[*]

ANNOUNCER:
Tonight,
on the Funny or Die Network:

David Spade,
Tim Meadows,

and Will Ferrell

star in the Carpet Brothers.

Nothing else.

Just...the Carpet Brothers.

[RADIO STATIC BUZZING]

CHORUS [ON RADIO]:
* KBAG

* Rancho Cucamonga

RADIO ANNOUNCER:
Some sad news today.
Brock Raylon,

owner of the famed
Carpet Galaxy, has died.

He is survived
by his three sons:

Eldest Skip Spence Raylon,

middle child
Xavier Montrose Raylon,

and youngest child
Paul Samwell Smith Raylon.

These are the survivors,
these are

the Carpet Brothers.

[*]

My father started this business,
it was one store.

[SCOFFS]

It's still just one store,
but it's much bigger.

From shag, to plush,

to wall-to-wall,
he did it all.

XAVIER:
He did the inside too.

Sell carpet different
than anybody else.

He used to say, "You can't sell
carpet from a swatch."

My father wrote this book.
It's--

It's called Rugs not Drugs.

XAVIER:
I mean, was he an addict?

Yeah.

But was it a problem?

Maybe he was

involved in
some kind of drugs.

But, look,
he was an older dude.

Old people do drugs.

[*]

* Dreams of you
Will carry me through *

ALL:
Wow.

Hi.

May I please come in?

You'll have to forgive us,
ma'am. We just lost our father.

My name is Sandoz.

I was the executor
of your father's estate,

and still am.

So you're
an accountant?

Sort of.

I do crunch numbers.

Would you like to see
my calculator collection?

I've been going over
the documents

and, well...

[*]

We are in "debt."

But we are also

"very good."

MAN:
And why are those words
in quotes?

Because, well,

some people--

Whenever you do "this,"
that means

"sarcastically"

"this word."

So if I were to say, "Yeah,
you're really 'good-looking,'"

it would be
I'm being sarcastic,

by saying you're
not really good-looking.

MAN:
But you said you're very good,
so that means you're not good?

"Yes."

This is not good,
fellas.

It gets worse.

BROTHERS:
Raymond Davies Allen.

[*]

[CAMERA CLICKING]

[*]

When you're in biz,
like I am, uh,

you just absorb
different entities.

It's a little bit
like Monopoly.

I know it's hard
to follow.

It's like Monopoly.

You've got Baltic Avenue,
I have Boardwalk.

I'm gonna fuckin'
eat your shit up.

Then I'm gonna charge you
to put a little house on it.

I'm gonna buy
Carpet Galaxy.

He doesn't know
the carpet business.

He's got all
these other businesses

that he tries to focus on.

They've got restaurants.
He's got the Loin Ranger.

ANNOUNCER:
The Loin Ranger,
featuring USBA graded meats,

Rising Phoenix fortified wines,
and our famous salad bar

wheeled right to your table.
The Loin Ranger.

After Three
Formal Snack Wear.

[*]

ANNOUNCER:
After Three Formal Snack Wear.

When it's time to snack,

shouldn't you be wearing
formal wear?

And he also has this other place
called the Vestibule.

That's when they get you
in the store,

shove you in a cubicle,

throw a vest on you
and tell you you look great.

And then they send you
out the back door.

What kind of place
sends you out the back door?

I like the Vestibule.

At least a third of my vests
come from the Vestibule.

[*]

The rest of my vests
come from, uh,

well, there's
the annual Vest-ival.

That's the vest festival.

There's Best Vest,
which is--

They're all right.
It's not the best.

But I don't mind
the Vestibule.

You leave through the back, it's
kinda neat. They're nice there.

Lady, our father meant
everything to us.

We have to continue
his legacy.

You do know your father left
behind a jazz will, don't you?

[SOFT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]

* Hello, my sons

* If you're hearin' this

* I'm dead

Go, man, go.
* You own

It's not that kind of jazz.
Oh.

* Carpet Galaxy now

* Please, boys
Whatever you do *

* Make friends
With Grant Measum *

* Yes, Grant Measum, baby

* Grant Measum--

Are you boys familiar
with Grant Measum?

[*]

Hello. Graham Rhys Grahamcox,

and welcome once again
to Viewpoint.

I'm joined today
by Grant Measum.

Mm.

Mr. Measum is a motelier,

and a nightclub impresario.

Owner of such motels
as the Afternooner,

and the Raping Viking
Ski Lodge.

And also, uh,

you are the proprietor of such
"of the minute"

nightclubs as, uh,
Amphetaminino's,

the Coke Spoon,

and the
Waiting For Godot Rathskeller.

Mr. Measum, welcome.

Rhys, let me, uh...

Let me answer
your question,

uh, by saying yes.

It is an incredible feat
that I've accomplished.

Mm, I didn't--
I didn't--

I didn't ask a question.

When a--
When a fatherless kid,

uh, who grows up,

in the inner city
slum of Detroit,

um, drops out of school,

public school at age 10.

And can pull himself
up by his bootstraps,

scraping and clawing
his way just--

Just to get his foot
in the door,

to become
a motel desk clerk.

Working his way up
to motel manager.

Mm-hm.

All the while saving
his pennies,

so that he can
become the owner of--

Of one, and eventually 76,

nightclubs and motels.

Do you follow me?
Mm-hm.

That is what
America's all about.

Mm-hm.

Well, yeah, it--

I think we'd all have
to agree that is--

That is pretty remarkable.

Or-- Or you can do it
the way that I did it.

Uh, by inheriting
a bottomless

trust fund from
my billionaire father.

Right.
[CHUCKLES]

That's less
impressive.

Mm.

You didn't get
any help along the way?

No help.
Not a vast--

Other than the trust fund.

RHYS:
Right.

Is that supposed to impress
the people of America?

Mm-hm.

So people will look to you
as a role model

because
you can do that?

I hope, I can only hope.

Grant Measum
is seriously considering

re-carpeting 75 percent
of his motels and nightclubs.

So?

So Raymond Davies Allen

has promised him
that he would re-carpet

all his floors
for half the price,

outsourcing the job
and bringing in the carpet

from Afghanistan.

If Raymond Davies Allen
takes over Carpet Galaxy,

there'll be more bloodshed
than World War II

and Vietnam combined.

I don't know about that.
That seems kinda--

A lot of people.

Well, there will be a lot.

So I've secured us
invitations

to Grant Measum's
most famous

and impossible
to get into

Labor Day party
at one of his motels.

Now, your job
is to mingle.

Get to know Grant
just a little bit.

Let him know that it's business
as usual at Carpet Galaxy.

Do you think you
boys can handle it?

Lady,
I have a saying.

That when one door closes,

a window opens.

So yes?

Yes.
Yeah.

So we're talking about those
guys around the house,

that have the, uh,
other company.

What are they called?

The Carpet Brothers.
Yeah, yeah.

And then what am
I called around the house?

The Carpet Boners.

Yeah, yeah,
and then that's funny, right?

Yeah.

Yeah. So, yeah.

So that's cool.

Hey, uh, you look good today,
baby. And by you I mean me.

Patty,
get a picture.

[*]

That's a winner.
That one's going on the fridge.

Daddy's gotta do some work.
Can you skedoodle?

Yeah.
All right.

[SIGHS]

Hey, I found some powder
in your purse.

That's not that, uh,
cocaine shit, is it?

And what if
it is?

I don't give a shit.

I'm fuckin' cool, man.
Whatever.

Just, bust it out sometime.

I learned how
to share in school.

[CHUCKLES]

Don't hide, divide.

[CHUCKLES]

Break flake. Ahem.

But seriously,
give me some.

[*]

* You're lookin'
So pretty today *

* Seeing you
In a brand new way *

* You're lookin'
So pretty today *

* It's all I wanted to say

What the fuck is this?
What are you wearing?

No,
this stuff is good.

This comes from
the Thread Shed.

[*]

Everybody knows that
Thread Shed is for losers

and elderly women.
We are here supposed to be

convincing Grant Measum
that we mean business.

And, look at you,
you look like just--

[SIGHS]

His came from
the Sir Awesome collection.

That can't be bad.

* It's Rancho Wrap-Up *

We are here live
at the Motel Exclusivo.

Site of the party
of the century

thrown by none other than
motelier Grant Measum.

[*]

This promises to be one hell
of a barn burner, folks.

[CLICKS TONGUE]

Good evening,
everyone.

And thank you for attending
my annual bash

here at the crown jewel
of my motel empire,

the Motel Exclusivo.

If you go ahead and take a look
at your gift bags right now,

I think you'll find
some wonderful items.

We've got toiletries
and perfumes from the motel.

We have some tins
of Bensons cat food.

Benson's cat food
is purrrfect.

We have some, uh,
diagonal pieces of leather.

That thing in the bottom
of the bag is taco meat.

So just leave that alone.

So please, enjoy yourself.

Uh, stay as long
as you want.

Remember, this party goes
from 8:00 till question mark.

[CROWD APPLAUDS]

[*]

Mr. Measum? Hi.

I'm Sandoz.

Please, call me Grant.
Mr. Measum's my husband.

This is my ornament,
Bianca.

Hello.
Oh, hello.

This is a wonderful party.

What? This over-planned-to-
looked-thrown-together soiree?

Well, I'd love you to meet
the Carpet Brothers.

I'm terribly sorry
about your father.

Yeah.

He was a very handsome man.

Thank you?

"Brock the Hawk"
we used to call him.

By the way, those are
magnificent ensembles

you're wearing.
Oh, thank you.

Is that silk?

It's actually silg.

I'm not familiar
with silg.

It's an
imitation silk.

It's from Madagascar.
Silg.

I've heard of sildge.

No.
No?

It's different.
That's from Canada.

Here's the deal.

I just need to know
from you guys--

In fact, I need to be assured
beyond a doubt.

--that Carpet Galaxy
is still the best in the biz.

RAYMOND:
Grant Measum!

Well, hello, Raymond.

RAYMOND:
Grant.

Ah, I see you've met
the carpet snoozers.

[WHISTLES]

Who's that,
your daughter?

Nice try.
It's my daughter's friend.

SKIP:
Oh.

And this is Patty,
my personal shutterbug.

Hello, Sandoz.

Ahem, hello.

How do you two
know each other?

Oh, Sandoz did
a little bit of

"accounting" for me.

[RAYMOND CHUCKLES]

Get a picture, Patty.
We're all having fun.

Gold.

RAYMOND:
There you go.

We're gonna go mingle.
Hm.

I see Danny Tripuka over there.
I owe him a call.

Oh, well,
let me join you, please.

Sure.

We'd really like
to meet Danny Tripuka.

Here's where it gets tricky.

I don't think the center
for the Cucamonga Cougars

wants to hang out with

a bunch of owners of a company

that's about to go belly up.

GRANT: What?
Uh, no, belly up--

Is this true, boys?

Really strong,
like a bionic--

He didn't say belly.

Grant, I'd like to talk to you
about some man-made fibers

we've been
experimenting with.

Some very exciting things
are happening.

Belly up
like a puppy.

It's good.

Guys, start to mingle.
Come on, quick.

[*]

Hi.
Hi.

What's a beautiful young lady
like you doing in this,

well, high-end
exclusive party?

Uh, I'm just
paying my bills,

until I can follow
my dream.

Wow.
What's your dream?

I wanna be a professional
tambourine player.

I wanna be the chick that--

That takes tambourine
mainstream, you know?

I love the, uh, drinks.

REPORTER:
So how are you liking
this party so far?

This party is
a fucking joke.

Has anyone ever
told you

you have
the most happening mustache?

Ah.

Well, well, I bet
you say that to everybody

with a little lip fur.

I'd love to photograph it
sometime.

I'm doing a coffee table book
on mustaches.

I've shot all the greats.

Dalí,

Sonny Bono.

Zappa.

Save it.

Oh, oh I--

Are these for me?

Just be really
careful about the--

The little purple one.
It is exceptionally strong.

How strong could it be?

[*]

I'd like
to thank Grant Measum,

for having us tonight
and his generosity.

Round of applause.
That's right.

I have a question
for you people.

What is the one thing
everyone needs?

MAN 1: Water.
MAN 2: Air.

WOMAN: Oxygen.
No. Well, yes.

MAN 3:
A hot tub.

True, but not what
I'm going for.

Over here.
Carpet? Carpet.

I think I heard some-- Oh.

Yes, carpet.

I don't care if it's
in a crappy mobile home,

or the red stuff
you walked on coming in here.

Everyone needs carpet.

It's the great democratizer.

Sure, I've had some
bad ideas in my day.

My donation of

hundreds of untrained
Mexican pit bulls

to the preschool

was not a home run.

But at least I'm trying things.
I'm a doer.

Not like
Earth, Wind and Fool.

Anyway, the point is, you let me
take over Carpet Galaxy,

I'll take it to the top.

'Cause I'll outsource it,

and I'll get it
in the sweatshops ASAP.

All right,
now have a fun party

and if you get a chance
check out the nerve.

Patty, quick picture of me
when I gave that big speech.

[*]

Top that.

What do you want me to do,
put 'em to sleep?

[CHUCKLES]

Get up there. Skip,
just get up there, do it.

Go on. Do it.
Lets do it, guys.

I feel kinda funny.
Just, Xavier, do it.

No, I'm just saying.
Do it.

Come on.

...don't know about carpet.

We know it, they don't.

He said a lot of
mean stuff tonight.

[VOICE DISTORTED]
I think he put something
in our drinks.

Yeah, there's definitely
something in those drinks.

[GROANS]

Whoa!

[LAUGHING]
Wow.

[ALL SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

[*]

SKIP:
Who you people lookin' at?

[VOICE DISTORTED]
Who you people lookin' at?

[DISTORTED VOICES]

[*]

BROCK:
It's okay, my sons.

Poppa?

It is Dad.

[CRIES]

Brock the Hawk.

Looks more like a falcon.

BROCK:
Boys, please.

Don't be afraid
to shake things up.

What do you mean, Dad?
A new jingle.

You must record
a new jingle.

Carpet Galaxy
will go under

unless we bring in
a new generation of customers.

It's the only way.

But now it's time for you guys
to go back to the party.

[CRIES]
But no, Dad. Dad wait!

Wait! Teach me the--

[*]

[SIREN WAILING]

[DISPATCH RADIO CHATTERING]

[*]

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

[PHONE RINGING]

[BELCHES]

Hello?

Are you kidding?

You're not just fuck--
Oh.

That sounds good.

That sounds better.

Thank you.

ANNOUNCER:
Carpet Brothers self destruct.

Measum makes a secret phone
call to Raymond Allen

to discuss the biggest motel
re-carpeting campaign

in the history of
modern fiber.

If the Carpet Brothers don't
step it up, it's all but over.

Patty!

Take a picture of me
in a good mood.

[*]

Your blood test turned up
positive for yormaline.

Yormaline?
What's that?

ANNOUNCER:
Yublonic methalyde
trilosupuline.

Yormaline.

The Carpet Brothers would never,
ever do any kind of drug.

All we ever do
is drink.

No drugs. Mostly.

It doesn't matter now.

Grant Measum knows
that Carpet Galaxy

cannot stay afloat unless
it has a huge influx of cash.

And here's how
we're gonna get that cash.

We're gonna record
a new jingle.

Yeah.
What?

No, you cant do that!

Carpet Galaxy has had the same
jingle since it started.

It's legendary.

* Brock Raylon's
Carpet Galaxy *

* For out of this world
Savings *

To mess with this would be
complete suicide!

Listen, lady,
I don't know much,

but I do know

that we
are the rightful heirs

to the Carpet Galaxy name.

And our father Brock
was a great man,

and we may never live up
to his legend.

There's no way.

SKIP:
But when he comes to us,

in a dream
as a black eagle,

and tells us
to go for it

while we're trippin'
our brains out,

by God,
we are gonna go for it.

PAUL:
* Stop on I-10
Take two lefts *

* Go under the tunnel
And up through the alley *

* Then take a right turn
And go down 5th *

* If you miss 5th
Then you still got Roscoe *

* And then lay a louie
And there you are *

* Three blocks away
From our front door *

* Then just keep going
Down that street *

* For three more blocks
And you head to the east *

* Right

* Then you'll see
A big, big sign *

* It says Carpet Gallery
You...swine *

* If you come in the afternoon
There might be traffic *

* So take a left at Grand
And wait for that light *

* Sometimes the train'll come by
And you'll have to wait *

* But other than that

* I like to sometimes make
A U-turn on 3rd *

And also, uh--
Okay, okay, all right.

All right.
Ah, cut, cut.

Stop the--
We close at 5.

Can't you just please--
You guys are ruining this.

This is not
going well.

Would you stop
that shaking thing?

That shaking thing's
all we got going.

I'm not sure those guys
should even be selling carpet.

That was horrible.

You both are
sad excuses for men.

Daddy should--
Where are you going?

He'd be rolling over
in his grave.

Where are you--
This is all your fault!

The hat!

The guy wore a hat
in there!

I told you to not let hats
in the studio.

That is bad luck.

That's it, I quit.
Bunch of jack--

You quit?
I quit!

I'm quitting!
I'm gonna kill myself!

I'm gonna kill myself!

Ah, fuck that!

Fuck that!
Guys!

Fuck both of you.

I'm killing myself.
Me first.

No, I'm killing myself

and then I'm gonna
get you guys.

You're all fucking idiots!

Thanks for nothing, rock band!

Rock band.

I'm not staying
in this studio with you.

You're not related to me.
Thanks a lot, guys.

Hope you're happy.

Rock and roll music,

you broke up another family.

[CRYING]

I'm sorry you guys
had to see that.

[*]

* The winter through
The curtains *

* A frozen branch
Without a leaf *

* The only thing
That's certain *

* Is I'm filled
With disbelief *

* No one ever thought
You'd be so down *

* But I wish you

* I wish you

* I wish you weren't
So gone *

* From me

Did you guys
kill yourself?

No.

Did you?

No.

You kill yourself?

No.

Man,
I don't know.

I've never been
so low before.

I feel like I just wanna
crawl off and die.

What was that?

What was what?

Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

That we should start
our own airline?

No, that can be
our commercial.

That's the jingle.

That's the jingle.

* I've never been
So down before *

* Ah, ah

* Feel like I wanna
Crawl off and die *

* Ah, ah

* But then I saw
What was on your floor *

* All of a sudden
It opened my eyes *

* Like an industrial strength
Eye opener *

* I wanna touch your carpet
* Touch your carpet

* I wanna touch your rug
* Touch your rug

* I wanna put myself
Deep inside *

* It feels better
Than any drug *

* Except crystal meth

ANNOUNCER:
Come on down to Carpet Galaxy,

a whole galaxy of carpet values
under one roof.

Shag, cropped, plush, fur,
man-made fiber.

Whatever your carpet bag is,
we've got it,

you insane infants, you.

So buy yourself a roll,
or 17 today.

And have all,
or at least nine-tenths

of those crazy kiddies
out there say:

* I wanna touch your carpet

* Touch your carpet

* I wanna touch your rug
* Touch your rug

* I wanna put myself
Deep inside *

* It feels better
Than any drug *

* Except crystal meth

RADIO ANNOUNCER:
And in a dramatic
turn of events,

the Carpet Brothers have shot
straight to number one,

on the Jinglebox Hot 100

with their smash hit
"(I Wanna) Touch Your Carpet."

They have saved Carpet Galaxy,

Rancho Cucamonga's
home for discount carpets.

Raymond Davies Allen
is certain to be steamed

about this latest development.

But sit back, relax,
and listen,

to the Carpet Brothers.

They wanna touch your carpet,

and I want 'em to touch mine.

That's my bag, on:

CHORUS:
* KBAG

Well, fellas, it doesn't get
any better than this.

Oh, man.
Well, I mean it could.

Hey, to Patricia.

As God as my witness,

I will bring down
those Carpet Brothers.

They may have won the battle
but I won the war.

Do you hear me?

Huh? Oh, sorry,
were you talking?

Yeah, I was talking.
I was talking some tough shit.

Is that getting
you a little horny?

Has it ever got
me horny?

Go away.

That one time
you were horny. Remember?

Hey, guys, we should go out
tonight and celebrate.

Yeah.
Yeah.

Where should
we go?

[HAWK CRIES]

Hey, that hawk has
something in its talons.

[CRYING]

The Stone Crab Corner.

Hey, this is Dad's
favorite place.

ANNOUNCER:
Yes, you love
the Stone Crab Corner.

Every Wednesday
is the crab grab,

featuring all you can eat
chimichangas

with Jimmy Tsonga
and the Shimmy Congas.

It's all happening
at the Stone Crab Corner.

[*]

[ALL CHEERING]

[*]

Well, what did I tell you?
Not that great.

For my money, there could
have been more nudity.

I mean, what's the point
of being on pay TV

if the bitches
ain't be naked?

Okay, didn't work.

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

[*]

[*]