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1
00:00:07,741 --> 00:00:10,781
[*]
2
00:00:10,878 --> 00:00:13,348
Your alcoholism
3
00:00:13,447 --> 00:00:16,677
has served
our community well.
4
00:00:16,784 --> 00:00:19,054
This is...awful.
5
00:00:19,153 --> 00:00:21,063
How about, "cocaine!"
6
00:00:21,155 --> 00:00:22,585
"Come get some, gooks."
7
00:00:22,690 --> 00:00:24,390
"Go for it!"
8
00:00:24,492 --> 00:00:26,032
Barham drives the lane
and lays it up--
9
00:00:26,127 --> 00:00:28,497
Put that dick
in my mouth.
10
00:00:28,596 --> 00:00:31,466
What if you call
those guys back in here
11
00:00:31,565 --> 00:00:34,365
and force me to get double
teamed by the both of 'em.
12
00:00:35,636 --> 00:00:38,136
[*]
13
00:00:45,779 --> 00:00:48,049
[*]
14
00:00:48,149 --> 00:00:50,449
I think one thing
we can all agree on
15
00:00:50,551 --> 00:00:53,491
is that the level of good,
quality television
16
00:00:53,587 --> 00:00:57,387
has really taken a nose dive
in the last 10 years.
17
00:00:57,491 --> 00:01:00,561
Gone are the professionals,
the director,
18
00:01:00,661 --> 00:01:02,161
the actor and the producer
19
00:01:02,263 --> 00:01:05,933
who took great pride
in what they did.
20
00:01:06,033 --> 00:01:10,103
Now days, no one takes pride
in what they do.
21
00:01:10,204 --> 00:01:13,974
Somewhere along the way
it got all mixed up.
22
00:01:14,074 --> 00:01:15,514
We forgot who we are,
23
00:01:15,609 --> 00:01:18,109
and in forgetting
we debased ourselves into
24
00:01:18,212 --> 00:01:20,452
hollow stabs into
instant gratification,
25
00:01:20,548 --> 00:01:24,318
some of which was
of a bizarre sexual nature.
26
00:01:24,418 --> 00:01:28,258
And there,
wallowing in the wet basement
27
00:01:28,356 --> 00:01:33,286
of our desire
we became...monsters.
28
00:01:34,262 --> 00:01:36,902
And for all it's worth...
29
00:01:36,997 --> 00:01:38,767
dead.
30
00:01:41,068 --> 00:01:43,768
And now there's no way out.
31
00:01:47,141 --> 00:01:49,381
Enjoy tonight's show.
32
00:01:51,812 --> 00:01:54,182
[*]
33
00:02:16,937 --> 00:02:19,837
WOMAN:
Tonight
on the Funny or Die Network.
34
00:02:19,940 --> 00:02:24,180
From Rob Huebel,
the first episode of Holdup.
35
00:02:24,278 --> 00:02:26,648
A sketch show
from Derek Waters.
36
00:02:26,747 --> 00:02:31,917
And a new video
from Mike O'Connell.
37
00:02:33,421 --> 00:02:36,121
MAN:
Get your white asses
on the floor!
38
00:02:36,224 --> 00:02:37,194
[MEN SHOUTING, GUNSHOTS]
39
00:02:37,291 --> 00:02:39,161
Get your ass
on the floor, bitch!
40
00:02:39,260 --> 00:02:40,960
Me, motherfucker?
41
00:02:41,061 --> 00:02:43,061
[CROWD SCREAMING]
42
00:02:43,163 --> 00:02:44,803
Murder, motherfucker, murder!
43
00:02:44,898 --> 00:02:47,368
[GUNSHOTS]
44
00:02:55,343 --> 00:02:57,113
Where is you going,
asshole?
45
00:02:57,211 --> 00:02:58,951
[SOBBING]
Don't shoot.
46
00:02:59,046 --> 00:03:00,846
Don't shoot me.
47
00:03:00,948 --> 00:03:02,548
I'll do anything.
Anything?
48
00:03:02,650 --> 00:03:04,450
Yeah, don't kill me,
don't kill me.
49
00:03:04,552 --> 00:03:06,522
ROBBER: Anything?
MAN: Yes, anything!
50
00:03:06,620 --> 00:03:08,790
Then make this dude
come back to life.
51
00:03:08,889 --> 00:03:10,289
What?
52
00:03:10,391 --> 00:03:12,161
I said make this dude
come back to life, man!
53
00:03:12,260 --> 00:03:13,690
I can't do that!
He's dead!
54
00:03:13,794 --> 00:03:16,834
Pick up the dead dude
and move him around, asshole!
55
00:03:16,930 --> 00:03:18,000
Okay.
56
00:03:18,098 --> 00:03:19,898
ROBBER:
Yeah, yeah that's it.
57
00:03:20,000 --> 00:03:21,400
Like this?
58
00:03:21,502 --> 00:03:23,502
Just like Weekend at Bernie's,
motherfucker.
59
00:03:23,604 --> 00:03:24,774
[LAUGHS]
60
00:03:24,872 --> 00:03:26,072
Make him talk!
61
00:03:26,173 --> 00:03:28,583
Hey, ladies.
62
00:03:28,676 --> 00:03:29,976
[BOTH LAUGHING]
63
00:03:30,077 --> 00:03:31,177
You girls want a martini?
64
00:03:31,279 --> 00:03:34,079
[ALL LAUGHING]
65
00:03:34,181 --> 00:03:35,951
Now make him water-ski,
bitch.
66
00:03:36,049 --> 00:03:37,949
Okay.
67
00:03:38,051 --> 00:03:40,091
[IMITATES BOAT ENGINE]
68
00:03:40,187 --> 00:03:41,717
[ROBBERS LAUGHING]
69
00:03:41,822 --> 00:03:43,762
Classic!
70
00:03:45,092 --> 00:03:46,832
[*]
71
00:03:48,061 --> 00:03:49,631
[SPEAKING INAUDIBLY]
72
00:03:52,900 --> 00:03:54,740
[SCREAMS]
73
00:03:57,805 --> 00:03:59,065
[GAGGING]
74
00:03:59,172 --> 00:04:01,912
You shot me.
75
00:04:02,009 --> 00:04:02,979
Yes, sir.
76
00:04:03,076 --> 00:04:05,106
You guys are jerks.
77
00:04:05,212 --> 00:04:08,082
[*]
78
00:04:08,181 --> 00:04:10,121
Details are still unclear.
79
00:04:10,217 --> 00:04:12,787
There are at least
two armed gunmen inside
80
00:04:12,886 --> 00:04:15,556
and they have taken
several hostages.
81
00:04:15,656 --> 00:04:18,326
Police have just arrived
on the scene,
82
00:04:18,426 --> 00:04:20,486
way after News 10 got here.
83
00:04:20,594 --> 00:04:22,264
[GUNSHOTS]
Whoa, whoa.
84
00:04:22,363 --> 00:04:24,673
Keep rolling, keep rolling.
As you can see,
85
00:04:24,765 --> 00:04:27,435
the gunmen have opened fire
directly behind us.
86
00:04:27,535 --> 00:04:29,495
Move back, get out of there,
you're too close!
87
00:04:29,603 --> 00:04:31,073
Police are asking
us to stand down,
88
00:04:31,171 --> 00:04:32,071
that will not happen.
89
00:04:32,172 --> 00:04:33,742
We were here first.
90
00:04:36,276 --> 00:04:37,746
[WHISPERING] Is anybody in here?
Yes.
91
00:04:37,845 --> 00:04:39,445
MAN: What?
How many people are in here?
92
00:04:39,547 --> 00:04:41,277
Uh--
Let's count off, one.
93
00:04:41,382 --> 00:04:42,852
One-- I'm one--
WOMAN: One.
94
00:04:42,950 --> 00:04:44,220
Two.
Hold on.
95
00:04:44,318 --> 00:04:46,518
Go clockwise, clockwise,
clockwise, clockwise.
96
00:04:46,620 --> 00:04:48,820
MAN: And begin.
How do I know what clockwise--
97
00:04:48,922 --> 00:04:50,262
MAN: One. One.
Two. Two.
98
00:04:50,358 --> 00:04:52,128
MAN 2:
I-I don't know where
we are on the clock.
99
00:04:52,225 --> 00:04:53,385
Fuck it, if you're
a gunman say so.
100
00:04:53,494 --> 00:04:54,634
ALL:
I'm not a gunman.
101
00:04:54,728 --> 00:04:57,298
Fine, fuck it.
They're coming off.
102
00:04:58,432 --> 00:05:01,102
You, bright boy, yeah,
I'm talking to you.
103
00:05:01,201 --> 00:05:02,341
Had to be a hero, huh?
104
00:05:02,436 --> 00:05:04,136
He gave me a signal.
105
00:05:04,237 --> 00:05:05,607
Thought I was supposed
to do somethi--
106
00:05:05,706 --> 00:05:08,176
You thought you were
supposed to--
107
00:05:08,275 --> 00:05:10,405
Hey, next time,
do you know what you do
108
00:05:10,511 --> 00:05:13,111
when people
are robbing a bank?
109
00:05:13,213 --> 00:05:14,783
You let them rob it.
110
00:05:14,882 --> 00:05:16,052
No one fucking cares.
111
00:05:16,149 --> 00:05:19,119
I'm the assistant manager,
and I don't fucking care.
112
00:05:19,219 --> 00:05:20,519
Now we're all gonna die!
113
00:05:20,621 --> 00:05:23,191
No one else is dying.
114
00:05:23,290 --> 00:05:24,790
[GUNSHOT, WOMAN SCREAMS]
115
00:05:24,892 --> 00:05:25,892
Starting now.
116
00:05:25,993 --> 00:05:27,193
He's real close.
117
00:05:27,294 --> 00:05:30,764
He's dead in three, two, one.
118
00:05:30,864 --> 00:05:31,804
I'm still here.
119
00:05:31,899 --> 00:05:34,669
You're dead now
in three, two, one.
120
00:05:34,768 --> 00:05:36,398
Why are you--?
What does that even mean?
121
00:05:36,504 --> 00:05:37,544
Why are you counting?
122
00:05:37,638 --> 00:05:40,408
I'm gonna get us
out of here.
123
00:05:40,508 --> 00:05:41,978
I, for one,
am not gonna stand by
124
00:05:42,075 --> 00:05:45,245
and wait to get killed
by a couple black guys!
125
00:05:45,345 --> 00:05:47,345
I'm gonna get
crazy high first.
126
00:05:47,448 --> 00:05:49,718
WOMAN:
Richard, you hid coke in here?
127
00:05:49,817 --> 00:05:50,847
Oh, yeah, sister.
128
00:05:50,951 --> 00:05:52,751
I got bags of jizz
stashed all over the place
129
00:05:52,853 --> 00:05:54,593
just in case.
Guess what, motherfuckers?
130
00:05:54,688 --> 00:05:57,258
This is my ticket out of here.
I'm gonna call 'em in here.
131
00:05:57,357 --> 00:05:59,087
I'm gonna trade 'em
the coke for my freedom.
132
00:05:59,192 --> 00:06:00,432
See ya.
Shut the fuck up
133
00:06:00,528 --> 00:06:02,128
and put the drugs away.
Now, listen.
134
00:06:02,229 --> 00:06:03,429
Richard, you cocksucker,
shut up!
135
00:06:03,531 --> 00:06:06,601
What if you called
those guys back in here,
136
00:06:06,700 --> 00:06:08,600
and forced me to get double
teamed by the both of 'em.
137
00:06:08,702 --> 00:06:10,142
MAN:
You don't need to do that.
138
00:06:10,237 --> 00:06:12,067
I'm gonna get us out.
139
00:06:12,172 --> 00:06:13,412
We need to come up
with a slogan.
140
00:06:13,507 --> 00:06:15,307
You know, like "Let's roll."
141
00:06:15,409 --> 00:06:16,909
What the fuck
are you talking about?
142
00:06:17,010 --> 00:06:18,450
Remember? On 9/11.
143
00:06:18,546 --> 00:06:20,476
It's what they yelled right
before they kicked ass.
144
00:06:20,581 --> 00:06:22,981
What do we wanna yell
right before we kick ass?
145
00:06:23,083 --> 00:06:24,493
What about:
146
00:06:24,585 --> 00:06:26,315
"Who's your daddy?"
147
00:06:26,420 --> 00:06:28,420
No, we're not gonna do that.
148
00:06:28,522 --> 00:06:30,162
How about, "cocaine!"
149
00:06:30,257 --> 00:06:31,687
"Come get some, gooks."
150
00:06:31,792 --> 00:06:33,662
"Go for it!"
151
00:06:33,761 --> 00:06:35,761
No. Guys, I think we're
missing the point here.
152
00:06:35,863 --> 00:06:37,603
What would get us
really fired up,
153
00:06:37,698 --> 00:06:38,928
like what they say in a movie?
154
00:06:39,032 --> 00:06:43,302
How 'bout,
"Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker"?
155
00:06:43,403 --> 00:06:44,773
You know,
like in Die Hard?
156
00:06:46,574 --> 00:06:48,314
Look, he's losing
a lot of blood.
157
00:06:48,408 --> 00:06:49,738
We gotta get him
out of here.
158
00:06:49,843 --> 00:06:52,083
Hang in there. We're gonna
get you out, all right?
159
00:06:52,179 --> 00:06:54,849
You look familiar.
I've seen you somewhere before?
160
00:06:54,948 --> 00:06:55,948
No, you haven't.
161
00:06:56,049 --> 00:06:57,789
Something about you, though,
is very familiar.
162
00:06:57,885 --> 00:07:00,045
Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
Are you an actress?
163
00:07:00,153 --> 00:07:01,823
Hand model.
164
00:07:01,922 --> 00:07:04,062
MAN: Oh, that is--
Oh, yeah.
165
00:07:04,157 --> 00:07:05,557
MODEL:
That's right.
166
00:07:05,659 --> 00:07:07,499
[HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRRING]
167
00:07:07,595 --> 00:07:09,825
You get me back up,
Rodriguez is on the scene.
168
00:07:09,930 --> 00:07:12,270
This is unacceptable,
do you understand?
169
00:07:12,365 --> 00:07:13,695
These people
are shooting at me,
170
00:07:13,801 --> 00:07:15,341
I suggest you get down
here now.
171
00:07:15,435 --> 00:07:16,635
Where is that backup, Doheny?
172
00:07:16,737 --> 00:07:18,037
Oh, that--
That wasn't backup.
173
00:07:18,138 --> 00:07:20,408
That was Cheyenne,
I think we're breaking up.
174
00:07:20,508 --> 00:07:22,178
Doheny, come on.
175
00:07:22,275 --> 00:07:23,435
I need your head in the game.
176
00:07:23,544 --> 00:07:25,484
You're the best psychic
on the force.
177
00:07:25,579 --> 00:07:28,249
I need you to get inside
those scumbag's minds
178
00:07:28,348 --> 00:07:29,578
and tell me what
they're thinking.
179
00:07:29,683 --> 00:07:31,053
Okay, what do we got?
180
00:07:31,151 --> 00:07:32,621
Three gunmen.
181
00:07:32,720 --> 00:07:36,120
Automatic weapons,
shots fired...
182
00:07:36,223 --> 00:07:38,063
We gonna rob this place.
183
00:07:38,158 --> 00:07:40,758
Yeah, we stealing.
184
00:07:40,861 --> 00:07:42,531
Okay.
185
00:07:42,630 --> 00:07:44,600
I think they're trying
to rob this bank, okay?
186
00:07:44,698 --> 00:07:46,228
No shit!
There's more.
187
00:07:46,333 --> 00:07:48,173
Okay.
188
00:07:48,268 --> 00:07:50,068
We gone shoot motherfuckers.
189
00:07:50,170 --> 00:07:51,400
With bullets.
190
00:07:51,505 --> 00:07:54,335
Expect more bodies
and retarded demands.
191
00:07:54,441 --> 00:07:57,751
NARRATOR:
Next time on Holdup:
192
00:07:57,845 --> 00:07:59,805
Since we're all gonna die,
why don't we do it right?
193
00:07:59,913 --> 00:08:01,983
Have a gangbang.
That's disgusting, Richard.
194
00:08:02,082 --> 00:08:03,222
I'm up for that.
195
00:08:05,052 --> 00:08:07,992
[*]
196
00:08:09,322 --> 00:08:12,732
[*]
197
00:08:15,796 --> 00:08:18,026
[*]
198
00:08:18,131 --> 00:08:21,501
TV ANNOUNCER:
It's Derek Waters
Presents LOL.
199
00:08:21,602 --> 00:08:24,372
Featuring short films,
funny skits.
200
00:08:24,471 --> 00:08:28,241
From the San Diego Zoo,
Jack Hannah and His Wild Boar.
201
00:08:28,341 --> 00:08:29,811
I'm Brody Stevens,
202
00:08:29,910 --> 00:08:33,010
and now your host,
Derek Waters!
203
00:08:33,113 --> 00:08:34,683
Enjoy it!
204
00:08:34,782 --> 00:08:35,752
Wow!
205
00:08:35,849 --> 00:08:38,519
Thank you, guys,
thank you very much!
206
00:08:38,619 --> 00:08:40,149
Thank you, guys.
207
00:08:40,253 --> 00:08:43,563
Yup. Heh-heh-heh.
208
00:08:43,657 --> 00:08:46,287
Thank you so much.
Wow, thank you, guys.
209
00:08:46,393 --> 00:08:49,033
Thank you. Wow.
What an audience.
210
00:08:49,129 --> 00:08:50,829
Thank you.
211
00:08:50,931 --> 00:08:52,371
Man, great crowd tonight.
212
00:08:52,465 --> 00:08:53,965
Look at 'em.
They're loving Derek.
213
00:08:54,067 --> 00:08:57,167
No, the applause light,
it's broken, it's stuck on.
214
00:08:58,238 --> 00:08:59,338
Shit. Go fix it.
Okay.
215
00:08:59,439 --> 00:09:01,109
DEREK: This is great.
Hurry up.
216
00:09:01,208 --> 00:09:02,578
This is really great.
217
00:09:02,676 --> 00:09:05,106
What a great audience.
Okay.
218
00:09:08,015 --> 00:09:09,875
[BUZZING]
219
00:09:09,983 --> 00:09:12,123
DEREK:
Wow, what an audience.
220
00:09:12,219 --> 00:09:14,549
Thank you so much.
221
00:09:14,655 --> 00:09:16,415
Thank you.
222
00:09:16,523 --> 00:09:18,463
Hey, who'd of ever thought
a guy from Baltimore
223
00:09:18,558 --> 00:09:19,888
could get his own show?
224
00:09:19,993 --> 00:09:21,033
How's that?
225
00:09:21,128 --> 00:09:22,858
If you hear them clapping,
it's still on.
226
00:09:26,099 --> 00:09:27,939
[BUZZING]
227
00:09:28,035 --> 00:09:31,295
DEREK:
What a great audience.
Oh, my God.
228
00:09:31,404 --> 00:09:33,814
We get it, you like me.
We get it.
229
00:09:33,907 --> 00:09:37,007
Oh, thank you.
Thank you.
230
00:09:37,110 --> 00:09:38,150
Oh, behave.
231
00:09:38,245 --> 00:09:40,005
[CHUCKLES]
232
00:09:43,316 --> 00:09:45,416
[*]
233
00:09:45,518 --> 00:09:48,688
You have the shot,
do you have the shot?
234
00:09:48,789 --> 00:09:50,789
Take it!
DEREK: You guys are the best.
235
00:09:50,891 --> 00:09:54,631
Take the shot.
Take it out now.
236
00:09:54,728 --> 00:09:56,798
All right. Yes, yes.
237
00:09:56,897 --> 00:09:58,997
Thank you,
my favorite audience.
238
00:09:59,099 --> 00:10:00,169
[GUNSHOT]
239
00:10:00,267 --> 00:10:04,037
[GRUNTING]
240
00:10:05,405 --> 00:10:06,665
Ha, it's off.
241
00:10:06,774 --> 00:10:08,844
Oh, oh, it's off.
242
00:10:08,942 --> 00:10:12,012
Let's do this, for real.
243
00:10:12,112 --> 00:10:13,852
[CRACKLES]
244
00:10:15,115 --> 00:10:16,975
[ALL CHEERING]
245
00:10:17,084 --> 00:10:18,124
Goddamn, it's on!
246
00:10:18,218 --> 00:10:20,288
What a great audience.
247
00:10:20,387 --> 00:10:23,457
You are a great audience!
248
00:10:23,556 --> 00:10:25,656
You are a great audience!
249
00:10:27,294 --> 00:10:29,604
You guy-- You guys know this--
This Stevie Wonder guy?
250
00:10:29,697 --> 00:10:31,497
Singer?
251
00:10:31,598 --> 00:10:34,028
And he's put on
a bunch of weight.
252
00:10:34,134 --> 00:10:38,644
I just find it very sad that
he can't watch what he eats.
253
00:10:38,739 --> 00:10:40,609
[BUZZING]
254
00:10:40,708 --> 00:10:42,338
Um, it's gonna be
a great show tonight
255
00:10:42,442 --> 00:10:46,252
and I thank you so much.
Don't change that channel.
256
00:10:48,682 --> 00:10:50,782
[GROWLS]
257
00:10:51,551 --> 00:10:54,651
[*]
258
00:10:55,655 --> 00:10:58,655
Just one of them days.
259
00:11:00,427 --> 00:11:03,057
[*]
260
00:11:20,413 --> 00:11:23,623
Today we're gonna talk about...
261
00:11:23,717 --> 00:11:25,847
Nikola Tesla.
262
00:11:26,987 --> 00:11:29,787
DUNCAN:
Nikola Tesla was the father
263
00:11:29,890 --> 00:11:32,290
of Western technology.
264
00:11:32,392 --> 00:11:35,532
Everything we know is,
like, modern electricity,
265
00:11:35,628 --> 00:11:38,098
Tesla invented that.
266
00:11:38,198 --> 00:11:40,368
He also invented
wireless technology,
267
00:11:40,467 --> 00:11:42,337
he invented the radio.
268
00:11:42,435 --> 00:11:43,965
Supposedly, one day,
269
00:11:44,071 --> 00:11:46,111
he was taking a walk in a park
270
00:11:46,206 --> 00:11:51,336
and he suddenly experienced
this tremendous flash of light,
271
00:11:51,444 --> 00:11:54,514
and he saw in his mind
the perfect blueprint
272
00:11:54,614 --> 00:11:57,954
of an engine that would
create something called
273
00:11:58,051 --> 00:12:00,091
alternating current.
274
00:12:00,187 --> 00:12:01,987
And that was
when he was like,
275
00:12:02,089 --> 00:12:04,459
"I have to go to the United
States and meet Edison.
276
00:12:04,557 --> 00:12:06,057
I'll meet Edison."
277
00:12:06,159 --> 00:12:08,729
So Tesla sailed
across the ocean,
278
00:12:08,829 --> 00:12:11,559
found Edison,
who at the time was, like,
279
00:12:11,664 --> 00:12:13,504
the king of electricity.
280
00:12:13,600 --> 00:12:16,140
Edison was like,
"Oh, all right.
281
00:12:16,236 --> 00:12:19,366
Well, I guess you--
You can work for me."
282
00:12:19,472 --> 00:12:22,012
And his job was--
283
00:12:22,109 --> 00:12:24,039
Like, his job was digging,
284
00:12:24,144 --> 00:12:27,454
like, ditches for Edison.
285
00:12:29,216 --> 00:12:31,516
And then this guy
Westinghouse
286
00:12:31,618 --> 00:12:33,418
like, gave him money to, uh,
287
00:12:33,520 --> 00:12:37,390
start like working on his idea
of alternating current.
288
00:12:37,490 --> 00:12:40,460
So Edison didn't like the idea
of alternating current
289
00:12:40,560 --> 00:12:44,200
because he owned all
the patents on direct current.
290
00:12:44,297 --> 00:12:48,897
Alternating current
was the only...
291
00:12:49,002 --> 00:12:52,412
[LAUGHING]
I'm too drunk.
292
00:12:52,505 --> 00:12:53,765
I can't do it.
293
00:12:53,874 --> 00:12:54,744
MAN:
Yes, you can.
294
00:12:54,842 --> 00:12:55,742
[CRASHING]
295
00:12:55,843 --> 00:12:57,183
[LAUGHS]
296
00:12:58,879 --> 00:13:00,579
I'm gonna start puking.
297
00:13:00,680 --> 00:13:02,750
[*]
298
00:13:02,850 --> 00:13:06,890
Westinghouse and Tesla
won the contract
299
00:13:06,987 --> 00:13:09,087
to supply all the electricity
to the World's Fair
300
00:13:09,189 --> 00:13:11,019
and this pissed Edison off.
301
00:13:11,124 --> 00:13:13,164
He was like, "Fuck this."
302
00:13:13,260 --> 00:13:15,660
Uh, "Alternating current
is bad.
303
00:13:15,762 --> 00:13:19,572
Alternating current will
only cause massive deaths."
304
00:13:19,666 --> 00:13:21,596
And so he started
this campaign
305
00:13:21,701 --> 00:13:23,171
to prove that
alternating current
306
00:13:23,270 --> 00:13:24,970
was, like, the worst
current he could use.
307
00:13:25,072 --> 00:13:27,012
What he did is he began to,
like,
308
00:13:27,107 --> 00:13:29,577
publicly electrocute
animals.
309
00:13:29,676 --> 00:13:32,146
Edison was an asshole.
310
00:13:32,245 --> 00:13:34,475
He was, like, taking, like,
sheep and being, like,
311
00:13:34,581 --> 00:13:36,821
"Look what happens
when the sheep touches
312
00:13:36,917 --> 00:13:38,287
the alternating current.
313
00:13:38,385 --> 00:13:41,245
Oh, it blow--
It gets electrocuted.
314
00:13:41,354 --> 00:13:42,964
Look what happens
when a cow
315
00:13:43,056 --> 00:13:45,326
comes in contact
with alternating current,
316
00:13:45,425 --> 00:13:46,355
it dies."
317
00:13:46,459 --> 00:13:49,229
Tesla was horrified.
318
00:13:49,329 --> 00:13:53,199
And he'd be like,
"This is...awful.
319
00:13:53,300 --> 00:13:56,140
I am inventing electricity.
320
00:13:56,236 --> 00:13:58,836
And you look
like an asshole."
321
00:13:58,939 --> 00:14:01,539
He said, "You look like
a fucking idiot."
322
00:14:03,643 --> 00:14:05,183
I'm gonna throw up.
323
00:14:05,278 --> 00:14:08,418
I can't do it.
Good-- Goodnight.
324
00:14:08,515 --> 00:14:11,145
Thank you, everyone.
325
00:14:11,251 --> 00:14:13,851
Tesla, uh,
326
00:14:13,954 --> 00:14:17,964
discovered the energy
to run the World's Fair.
327
00:14:18,058 --> 00:14:19,358
And at that moment,
328
00:14:19,459 --> 00:14:22,759
Tesla became
an international figure
329
00:14:22,862 --> 00:14:24,972
worshipped by everyone.
330
00:14:25,065 --> 00:14:28,595
So Tesla have
like a laboratory
331
00:14:28,701 --> 00:14:30,571
and, like, Mark Twain
332
00:14:30,670 --> 00:14:33,040
and, like, everybody
who was famous in the world,
333
00:14:33,140 --> 00:14:34,570
come to the laboratory...
334
00:14:34,674 --> 00:14:36,644
So he'd, like, do things,
like, make electricity
335
00:14:36,743 --> 00:14:39,183
shoot around his body.
People would be watching, like,
336
00:14:39,279 --> 00:14:41,209
"Look at him, he's on fire."
337
00:14:41,314 --> 00:14:44,024
Mark Twain
would be there, crying.
338
00:14:44,117 --> 00:14:46,517
The new idea was that,
339
00:14:46,619 --> 00:14:51,059
"I don't think you necessarily
need to have, like,
340
00:14:51,158 --> 00:14:54,028
power plants for there
to be electricity.
341
00:14:54,127 --> 00:14:57,097
I think that you can take
electricity from the air."
342
00:14:57,197 --> 00:15:02,097
This was directly
opposed to, uh,
343
00:15:02,202 --> 00:15:03,572
all of capitalist society.
344
00:15:03,670 --> 00:15:07,710
So he was basically
ostracized from society.
345
00:15:07,807 --> 00:15:12,477
[RETCHING]
346
00:15:16,749 --> 00:15:18,789
How did this come out
of my body.
347
00:15:18,885 --> 00:15:21,915
There's pieces--
There's pineapple pieces.
348
00:15:22,022 --> 00:15:23,892
Like, I know I chewed it.
349
00:15:23,991 --> 00:15:25,961
He went crazy, you know?
350
00:15:26,059 --> 00:15:28,659
But his greatest pleasure
as he was getting old
351
00:15:28,761 --> 00:15:30,361
was feeding pigeons
352
00:15:30,463 --> 00:15:34,803
and he fell in love
with this specific pigeon.
353
00:15:34,901 --> 00:15:36,601
What an asshole.
354
00:15:37,904 --> 00:15:39,114
As he was dying,
355
00:15:39,206 --> 00:15:40,666
I guess he was
in this hotel room,
356
00:15:40,773 --> 00:15:44,413
and, uh,
a pigeon appeared.
357
00:15:44,511 --> 00:15:48,581
And from its eyes,
this light glowed
358
00:15:48,681 --> 00:15:52,491
that was brighter than
any light that he'd ever seen.
359
00:15:52,585 --> 00:15:55,415
And he knew that he would
never invent anything
360
00:15:55,522 --> 00:15:58,832
worthy of a pigeon.
361
00:15:58,925 --> 00:16:01,525
He was 84.
362
00:16:01,628 --> 00:16:03,958
And he died in a hotel
363
00:16:04,064 --> 00:16:06,574
completely broke.
364
00:16:06,666 --> 00:16:08,566
And alone.
365
00:16:10,137 --> 00:16:12,907
Uh, in love with a pigeon.
366
00:16:13,006 --> 00:16:15,676
"This is a nightmare.
367
00:16:15,775 --> 00:16:17,635
I'm in hell.
368
00:16:17,744 --> 00:16:19,884
This is hell."
369
00:16:19,979 --> 00:16:23,179
I'm talking about Tesla
in my puke.
370
00:16:23,283 --> 00:16:24,753
[*]
371
00:16:29,422 --> 00:16:34,062
Tesla was the electric Jesus.
372
00:16:34,161 --> 00:16:37,231
I can't breathe.
373
00:16:37,330 --> 00:16:39,170
NARRATOR:
On March 16th, 1988,
374
00:16:39,266 --> 00:16:41,226
my partner Jerry Cordova
375
00:16:41,334 --> 00:16:43,644
made basketball history
when he first uttered
376
00:16:43,736 --> 00:16:45,236
his legendary catchphrase.
377
00:16:45,338 --> 00:16:46,938
Walters dribbles
down the court.
378
00:16:47,040 --> 00:16:49,010
Barham drives the lane
and lays it up.
379
00:16:49,109 --> 00:16:51,809
Put that dick
in my mouth.
380
00:16:51,911 --> 00:16:53,781
[*]
381
00:16:56,383 --> 00:16:57,783
That's good.
Oh, I'm glad you like it.
382
00:16:57,884 --> 00:17:00,194
Just thought I'd try it out.
It's a great catchphrase.
383
00:17:00,287 --> 00:17:02,657
Those words inspired a nation.
384
00:17:02,755 --> 00:17:04,215
MAN:
Hey, Jerry boy.
385
00:17:04,324 --> 00:17:06,064
Put that dick
in my mouth.
386
00:17:06,159 --> 00:17:07,359
Thanks for watching.
387
00:17:07,460 --> 00:17:09,230
Hey, hey, ain't--?
Ain't you that guy?
388
00:17:09,329 --> 00:17:10,399
The cock in your face guy?
389
00:17:10,497 --> 00:17:12,127
Yeah, put that dick
in my mouth.
390
00:17:12,232 --> 00:17:13,502
That's what
I'm talking about.
391
00:17:13,600 --> 00:17:15,540
You can put that dick
in my mouth in the lane,
392
00:17:15,635 --> 00:17:17,335
or put that dick in my mouth
from beyond the key.
393
00:17:17,437 --> 00:17:18,837
What's your name
little man?
394
00:17:18,938 --> 00:17:20,108
WOMAN:
It's Tyler.
395
00:17:20,207 --> 00:17:22,877
"To Tyler, put that dick
in my mouth.
396
00:17:22,975 --> 00:17:25,875
Jerry Cordova."
Ha-ha.
397
00:17:25,978 --> 00:17:27,178
Here you go, buddy.
398
00:17:27,280 --> 00:17:28,480
His phrase
earned him millions.
399
00:17:28,581 --> 00:17:31,381
Manen Deodorant.
Put that dick in my mouth.
400
00:17:31,484 --> 00:17:34,454
Shores vacuum cleaners.
Put that dick in my mouth.
401
00:17:34,554 --> 00:17:37,624
Try egg whites.
Put that dick in my mouth.
402
00:17:37,724 --> 00:17:40,494
For this Mother's Day--
403
00:17:40,593 --> 00:17:42,703
But then, one word
changed everything.
404
00:17:42,795 --> 00:17:44,325
Wilson throws it inbounds,
405
00:17:44,431 --> 00:17:46,231
Reed takes the shot
at half court--
406
00:17:46,333 --> 00:17:48,243
It's good!
It's good!
407
00:17:48,335 --> 00:17:52,165
Put that big black dick
in my mouth!
408
00:17:54,641 --> 00:17:57,581
There was no room for that
in a post-Obama world.
409
00:17:57,677 --> 00:18:01,107
We go now to former basketball
announcer Jerry Cordova
410
00:18:01,214 --> 00:18:02,224
who's about to address
411
00:18:02,315 --> 00:18:03,875
the Black Southern
Baptist Counsel.
412
00:18:03,983 --> 00:18:07,753
When I first used the phrase
"Put that dick in my mouth,"
413
00:18:07,854 --> 00:18:10,264
it was roundly embraced
414
00:18:10,357 --> 00:18:11,957
as a fun catchphrase
that exemplified
415
00:18:12,058 --> 00:18:13,928
the spirit of the game.
416
00:18:14,026 --> 00:18:16,156
But when I said,
417
00:18:16,263 --> 00:18:18,403
"Put that big
black dick in my mouth,"
418
00:18:18,498 --> 00:18:22,398
I wrongly introduced race
419
00:18:22,502 --> 00:18:24,872
and reopened some old wounds
420
00:18:24,971 --> 00:18:27,871
that date back
to the civil war. I--
421
00:18:27,974 --> 00:18:30,014
We won't ever forgive you!
422
00:18:30,109 --> 00:18:31,839
[CROWD SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]
423
00:18:31,944 --> 00:18:33,614
[*]
424
00:18:43,856 --> 00:18:46,356
MAN:
Hey, sweetheart.
425
00:18:46,459 --> 00:18:48,199
What can I get
for twenty bucks?
426
00:18:49,462 --> 00:18:51,332
Put that dick in my mouth?
You're under arrest.
427
00:18:51,431 --> 00:18:52,831
No, no--
And in the end,
428
00:18:52,932 --> 00:18:55,402
the phrase that brought
the world to its feet,
429
00:18:55,502 --> 00:18:58,102
brought Jerry
to his knees.
430
00:18:58,205 --> 00:19:01,205
[ALL SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
431
00:19:02,709 --> 00:19:06,249
NARRATOR:
And now,
Drunk Driving Super Hero!
432
00:19:06,346 --> 00:19:08,946
Tonight's episode:
"Jagerbombs Away."
433
00:19:09,048 --> 00:19:12,548
[*]
434
00:19:33,740 --> 00:19:35,880
[*]
435
00:19:49,356 --> 00:19:51,156
[KIDS SCREAMING]
436
00:19:51,258 --> 00:19:53,558
[*]
437
00:19:59,299 --> 00:20:00,729
[GUNS COCK]
438
00:20:00,833 --> 00:20:01,773
[CRIES OUT]
439
00:20:03,636 --> 00:20:05,566
[*]
440
00:20:16,983 --> 00:20:20,293
[APPLAUSE]
441
00:20:23,189 --> 00:20:24,789
The town
of Libertyville
442
00:20:24,891 --> 00:20:28,261
would like to present you
with this key to the city.
443
00:20:28,361 --> 00:20:32,401
For without your dangerously
high-blood alcohol level,
444
00:20:32,499 --> 00:20:35,029
and impaired motor skills,
445
00:20:35,134 --> 00:20:37,044
those innocent children
446
00:20:37,136 --> 00:20:39,766
would have been killed
by that gunman.
447
00:20:39,872 --> 00:20:42,382
Your alcoholism
448
00:20:42,475 --> 00:20:45,705
has served
our community well.
449
00:20:45,812 --> 00:20:48,012
And we all thank you.
450
00:20:48,114 --> 00:20:51,654
[APPLAUSE]
451
00:20:57,990 --> 00:21:01,360
This is from the girl
at the end of the bar.
452
00:21:06,065 --> 00:21:07,665
[MUSIC PLAYS ON TV]
453
00:21:07,767 --> 00:21:09,837
A bus carrying a group
of senior citizens
454
00:21:09,936 --> 00:21:12,506
from a local nursing home
has crashed
455
00:21:12,605 --> 00:21:14,905
through a guard rail
on the tristate freeway.
456
00:21:15,007 --> 00:21:16,807
It's teetering precariously
over the edge
457
00:21:16,909 --> 00:21:18,749
and authorities
don't know what to do.
458
00:21:18,845 --> 00:21:20,045
[*]
459
00:21:41,133 --> 00:21:42,473
GIRL:
Hey, mister.
460
00:21:42,569 --> 00:21:45,669
You forgot something.
461
00:21:55,682 --> 00:21:57,922
[*]
462
00:22:05,324 --> 00:22:08,964
[*]
463
00:22:10,329 --> 00:22:12,799
[*]
464
00:22:18,104 --> 00:22:21,414
[DRUM ROLL]
465
00:22:21,508 --> 00:22:23,408
CROWD:
Wow.
466
00:22:23,976 --> 00:22:26,406
Oh-h-h, yeah!
467
00:22:26,513 --> 00:22:29,083
All right, all right.
[APPLAUSE]
468
00:22:29,181 --> 00:22:30,951
I recently finished
writing a song
469
00:22:31,050 --> 00:22:33,850
in my private language.
470
00:22:33,953 --> 00:22:35,353
It's taken 30 years
471
00:22:35,455 --> 00:22:37,355
so you'd think that
I'd be filled with joy,
472
00:22:37,457 --> 00:22:40,027
but no, I'm filled
with great regret.
473
00:22:40,126 --> 00:22:42,826
For if I hadn't strangled
my twin brother in the womb
474
00:22:42,929 --> 00:22:45,999
those many years ago
when I was in the womb,
475
00:22:46,098 --> 00:22:50,468
well there would be somebody
who understands this song.
476
00:22:50,570 --> 00:22:52,270
Which makes this
477
00:22:52,371 --> 00:22:55,781
the saddest song
ever written!
478
00:22:55,875 --> 00:22:57,875
[*]
479
00:23:21,601 --> 00:23:23,671
[SINGING GIBBERISH]
480
00:23:46,058 --> 00:23:48,528
* I'm totally crazy
481
00:23:48,628 --> 00:23:51,728
* Some even call me
Mentally ill *
482
00:23:51,831 --> 00:23:54,531
* But that doesn't phase me
483
00:23:54,634 --> 00:23:57,904
* I plan on getting
Even crazier still *
484
00:23:58,004 --> 00:23:59,074
[SINGING GIBBERISH]
485
00:23:59,171 --> 00:24:01,311
* Crazier still
486
00:24:01,407 --> 00:24:03,977
* I plan on getting
Even crazier still *
487
00:24:04,076 --> 00:24:05,176
[SINGING GIBBERISH]
488
00:24:05,277 --> 00:24:06,907
* Crazier still
489
00:24:07,013 --> 00:24:09,923
* If no one else
Will do it I will *
490
00:24:10,016 --> 00:24:11,576
[SINGING GIBBERISH]
491
00:24:33,740 --> 00:24:36,440
* I'm totally crazy
492
00:24:36,543 --> 00:24:39,183
* Some even call me
Mentally ill *
493
00:24:39,278 --> 00:24:43,518
* But that doesn't phase me
494
00:24:43,616 --> 00:24:46,046
* And I plan on getting
Even crazier still *
495
00:24:46,152 --> 00:24:47,552
[SINGING GIBBERISH]
496
00:24:47,654 --> 00:24:49,124
* Crazier still
497
00:24:49,221 --> 00:24:51,691
* I plan on getting
Even crazier still *
498
00:24:51,791 --> 00:24:53,261
[SINGING GIBBERISH]
499
00:24:53,359 --> 00:24:55,329
* Crazier still
500
00:24:55,427 --> 00:24:57,727
* I plan on getting
Even crazier still *
501
00:24:57,830 --> 00:24:59,230
[SINGS GIBBERISH, LAUGHS]
502
00:24:59,331 --> 00:25:00,701
* Crazier still
503
00:25:00,800 --> 00:25:04,540
* If no one else
Will do it *
504
00:25:04,637 --> 00:25:10,507
* I will
505
00:25:10,610 --> 00:25:12,580
[APPLAUSE]
506
00:25:19,485 --> 00:25:21,185
Okay, buddy,
time's up.
507
00:25:21,287 --> 00:25:23,657
I paid for the whole hour,
508
00:25:23,756 --> 00:25:27,286
and I will get
the whole damn hour!
509
00:25:28,227 --> 00:25:29,597
Okay.
510
00:25:29,696 --> 00:25:31,256
No need to get excited.
511
00:25:35,167 --> 00:25:36,797
[*]
512
00:25:44,677 --> 00:25:46,147
Here we are at the end
513
00:25:46,245 --> 00:25:48,915
of another wonderful
Funny or Die Presents.
514
00:25:49,015 --> 00:25:50,815
I think that calls
for a celebration.
515
00:25:50,917 --> 00:25:52,687
Oh, I don't care
how you celebrate,
516
00:25:52,785 --> 00:25:55,545
but I'm gonna finish
this bottle of vodka
517
00:25:55,655 --> 00:25:58,115
and go throw bricks
at city busses.
518
00:26:01,093 --> 00:26:03,863
[CONVERSING INAUDIBLY]
519
00:26:03,963 --> 00:26:05,673
[*]
35461
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