Original subtitles

[*]

Your alcoholism

has served our community well.

This is...awful.

How about, "cocaine!"

"Come get some, gooks."

"Go for it!"

Barham drives the lane and lays it up--

Put that dick in my mouth.

What if you call those guys back in here

and force me to get double teamed by the both of 'em.

[*]

[*]

I think one thing we can all agree on

is that the level of good, quality television

has really taken a nose dive in the last 10 years.

Gone are the professionals, the director,

the actor and the producer

who took great pride in what they did.

Now days, no one takes pride in what they do.

Somewhere along the way it got all mixed up.

We forgot who we are,

and in forgetting we debased ourselves into

hollow stabs into instant gratification,

some of which was of a bizarre sexual nature.

And there, wallowing in the wet basement

of our desire we became...monsters.

And for all it's worth...

dead.

And now there's no way out.

Enjoy tonight's show.

[*]

WOMAN: Tonight on the Funny or Die Network.

From Rob Huebel, the first episode of Holdup.

A sketch show from Derek Waters.

And a new video from Mike O'Connell.

MAN: Get your white asses on the floor!

[MEN SHOUTING, GUNSHOTS]

Get your ass on the floor, bitch!

Me, motherfucker?

[CROWD SCREAMING]

Murder, motherfucker, murder!

[GUNSHOTS]

Where is you going, asshole?

[SOBBING] Don't shoot.

Don't shoot me.

I'll do anything. Anything?

Yeah, don't kill me, don't kill me.

ROBBER: Anything? MAN: Yes, anything!

Then make this dude come back to life.

What?

I said make this dude come back to life, man!

I can't do that! He's dead!

Pick up the dead dude and move him around, asshole!

Okay.

ROBBER: Yeah, yeah that's it.

Like this?

Just like Weekend at Bernie's, motherfucker.

[LAUGHS]

Make him talk!

Hey, ladies.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

You girls want a martini?

[ALL LAUGHING]

Now make him water-ski, bitch.

Okay.

[IMITATES BOAT ENGINE]

[ROBBERS LAUGHING]

Classic!

[*]

[SPEAKING INAUDIBLY]

[SCREAMS]

[GAGGING]

You shot me.

Yes, sir.

You guys are jerks.

[*]

Details are still unclear.

There are at least two armed gunmen inside

and they have taken several hostages.

Police have just arrived on the scene,

way after News 10 got here.

[GUNSHOTS] Whoa, whoa.

Keep rolling, keep rolling. As you can see,

the gunmen have opened fire directly behind us.

Move back, get out of there, you're too close!

Police are asking us to stand down,

that will not happen.

We were here first.

[WHISPERING] Is anybody in here? Yes.

MAN: What? How many people are in here?

Uh-- Let's count off, one.

One-- I'm one-- WOMAN: One.

Two. Hold on.

Go clockwise, clockwise, clockwise, clockwise.

MAN: And begin. How do I know what clockwise--

MAN: One. One. Two. Two.

MAN 2: I-I don't know where we are on the clock.

Fuck it, if you're a gunman say so.

ALL: I'm not a gunman.

Fine, fuck it. They're coming off.

You, bright boy, yeah, I'm talking to you.

Had to be a hero, huh?

He gave me a signal.

Thought I was supposed to do somethi--

You thought you were supposed to--

Hey, next time, do you know what you do

when people are robbing a bank?

You let them rob it.

No one fucking cares.

I'm the assistant manager, and I don't fucking care.

Now we're all gonna die!

No one else is dying.

[GUNSHOT, WOMAN SCREAMS]

Starting now.

He's real close.

He's dead in three, two, one.

I'm still here.

You're dead now in three, two, one.

Why are you--? What does that even mean?

Why are you counting?

I'm gonna get us out of here.

I, for one, am not gonna stand by

and wait to get killed by a couple black guys!

I'm gonna get crazy high first.

WOMAN: Richard, you hid coke in here?

Oh, yeah, sister.

I got bags of jizz stashed all over the place

just in case. Guess what, motherfuckers?

This is my ticket out of here. I'm gonna call 'em in here.

I'm gonna trade 'em the coke for my freedom.

See ya. Shut the fuck up

and put the drugs away. Now, listen.

Richard, you cocksucker, shut up!

What if you called those guys back in here,

and forced me to get double teamed by the both of 'em.

MAN: You don't need to do that.

I'm gonna get us out.

We need to come up with a slogan.

You know, like "Let's roll."

What the fuck are you talking about?

Remember? On 9/11.

It's what they yelled right before they kicked ass.

What do we wanna yell right before we kick ass?

What about:

"Who's your daddy?"

No, we're not gonna do that.

How about, "cocaine!"

"Come get some, gooks."

"Go for it!"

No. Guys, I think we're missing the point here.

What would get us really fired up,

like what they say in a movie?

How 'bout, "Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker"?

You know, like in Die Hard?

Look, he's losing a lot of blood.

We gotta get him out of here.

Hang in there. We're gonna get you out, all right?

You look familiar. I've seen you somewhere before?

No, you haven't.

Something about you, though, is very familiar.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Are you an actress?

Hand model.

MAN: Oh, that is-- Oh, yeah.

MODEL: That's right.

[HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRRING]

You get me back up, Rodriguez is on the scene.

This is unacceptable, do you understand?

These people are shooting at me,

I suggest you get down here now.

Where is that backup, Doheny?

Oh, that-- That wasn't backup.

That was Cheyenne, I think we're breaking up.

Doheny, come on.

I need your head in the game.

You're the best psychic on the force.

I need you to get inside those scumbag's minds

and tell me what they're thinking.

Okay, what do we got?

Three gunmen.

Automatic weapons, shots fired...

We gonna rob this place.

Yeah, we stealing.

Okay.

I think they're trying to rob this bank, okay?

No shit! There's more.

Okay.

We gone shoot motherfuckers.

With bullets.

Expect more bodies and retarded demands.

NARRATOR: Next time on Holdup:

Since we're all gonna die, why don't we do it right?

Have a gangbang. That's disgusting, Richard.

I'm up for that.

[*]

[*]

[*]

TV ANNOUNCER: It's Derek Waters Presents LOL.

Featuring short films, funny skits.

From the San Diego Zoo, Jack Hannah and His Wild Boar.

I'm Brody Stevens,

and now your host, Derek Waters!

Enjoy it!

Wow!

Thank you, guys, thank you very much!

Thank you, guys.

Yup. Heh-heh-heh.

Thank you so much. Wow, thank you, guys.

Thank you. Wow. What an audience.

Thank you.

Man, great crowd tonight.

Look at 'em. They're loving Derek.

No, the applause light, it's broken, it's stuck on.

Shit. Go fix it. Okay.

DEREK: This is great. Hurry up.

This is really great.

What a great audience. Okay.

[BUZZING]

DEREK: Wow, what an audience.

Thank you so much.

Thank you.

Hey, who'd of ever thought a guy from Baltimore

could get his own show?

How's that?

If you hear them clapping, it's still on.

[BUZZING]

DEREK: What a great audience. Oh, my God.

We get it, you like me. We get it.

Oh, thank you. Thank you.

Oh, behave.

[CHUCKLES]

[*]

You have the shot, do you have the shot?

Take it! DEREK: You guys are the best.

Take the shot. Take it out now.

All right. Yes, yes.

Thank you, my favorite audience.

[GUNSHOT]

[GRUNTING]

Ha, it's off.

Oh, oh, it's off.

Let's do this, for real.

[CRACKLES]

[ALL CHEERING]

Goddamn, it's on!

What a great audience.

You are a great audience!

You are a great audience!

You guy-- You guys know this-- This Stevie Wonder guy?

Singer?

And he's put on a bunch of weight.

I just find it very sad that he can't watch what he eats.

[BUZZING]

Um, it's gonna be a great show tonight

and I thank you so much. Don't change that channel.

[GROWLS]

[*]

Just one of them days.

[*]

Today we're gonna talk about...

Nikola Tesla.

DUNCAN: Nikola Tesla was the father

of Western technology.

Everything we know is, like, modern electricity,

Tesla invented that.

He also invented wireless technology,

he invented the radio.

Supposedly, one day,

he was taking a walk in a park

and he suddenly experienced this tremendous flash of light,

and he saw in his mind the perfect blueprint

of an engine that would create something called

alternating current.

And that was when he was like,

"I have to go to the United States and meet Edison.

I'll meet Edison."

So Tesla sailed across the ocean,

found Edison, who at the time was, like,

the king of electricity.

Edison was like, "Oh, all right.

Well, I guess you-- You can work for me."

And his job was--

Like, his job was digging,

like, ditches for Edison.

And then this guy Westinghouse

like, gave him money to, uh,

start like working on his idea of alternating current.

So Edison didn't like the idea of alternating current

because he owned all the patents on direct current.

Alternating current was the only...

[LAUGHING] I'm too drunk.

I can't do it.

MAN: Yes, you can.

[CRASHING]

[LAUGHS]

I'm gonna start puking.

[*]

Westinghouse and Tesla won the contract

to supply all the electricity to the World's Fair

and this pissed Edison off.

He was like, "Fuck this."

Uh, "Alternating current is bad.

Alternating current will only cause massive deaths."

And so he started this campaign

to prove that alternating current

was, like, the worst current he could use.

What he did is he began to, like,

publicly electrocute animals.

Edison was an asshole.

He was, like, taking, like, sheep and being, like,

"Look what happens when the sheep touches

the alternating current.

Oh, it blow-- It gets electrocuted.

Look what happens when a cow

comes in contact with alternating current,

it dies."

Tesla was horrified.

And he'd be like, "This is...awful.

I am inventing electricity.

And you look like an asshole."

He said, "You look like a fucking idiot."

I'm gonna throw up.

I can't do it. Good-- Goodnight.

Thank you, everyone.

Tesla, uh,

discovered the energy to run the World's Fair.

And at that moment,

Tesla became an international figure

worshipped by everyone.

So Tesla have like a laboratory

and, like, Mark Twain

and, like, everybody who was famous in the world,

come to the laboratory...

So he'd, like, do things, like, make electricity

shoot around his body. People would be watching, like,

"Look at him, he's on fire."

Mark Twain would be there, crying.

The new idea was that,

"I don't think you necessarily need to have, like,

power plants for there to be electricity.

I think that you can take electricity from the air."

This was directly opposed to, uh,

all of capitalist society.

So he was basically ostracized from society.

[RETCHING]

How did this come out of my body.

There's pieces-- There's pineapple pieces.

Like, I know I chewed it.

He went crazy, you know?

But his greatest pleasure as he was getting old

was feeding pigeons

and he fell in love with this specific pigeon.

What an asshole.

As he was dying,

I guess he was in this hotel room,

and, uh, a pigeon appeared.

And from its eyes, this light glowed

that was brighter than any light that he'd ever seen.

And he knew that he would never invent anything

worthy of a pigeon.

He was 84.

And he died in a hotel

completely broke.

And alone.

Uh, in love with a pigeon.

"This is a nightmare.

I'm in hell.

This is hell."

I'm talking about Tesla in my puke.

[*]

Tesla was the electric Jesus.

I can't breathe.

NARRATOR: On March 16th, 1988,

my partner Jerry Cordova

made basketball history when he first uttered

his legendary catchphrase.

Walters dribbles down the court.

Barham drives the lane and lays it up.

Put that dick in my mouth.

[*]

That's good. Oh, I'm glad you like it.

Just thought I'd try it out. It's a great catchphrase.

Those words inspired a nation.

MAN: Hey, Jerry boy.

Put that dick in my mouth.

Thanks for watching.

Hey, hey, ain't--? Ain't you that guy?

The cock in your face guy?

Yeah, put that dick in my mouth.

That's what I'm talking about.

You can put that dick in my mouth in the lane,

or put that dick in my mouth from beyond the key.

What's your name little man?

WOMAN: It's Tyler.

"To Tyler, put that dick in my mouth.

Jerry Cordova." Ha-ha.

Here you go, buddy.

His phrase earned him millions.

Manen Deodorant. Put that dick in my mouth.

Shores vacuum cleaners. Put that dick in my mouth.

Try egg whites. Put that dick in my mouth.

For this Mother's Day--

But then, one word changed everything.

Wilson throws it inbounds,

Reed takes the shot at half court--

It's good! It's good!

Put that big black dick in my mouth!

There was no room for that in a post-Obama world.

We go now to former basketball announcer Jerry Cordova

who's about to address

the Black Southern Baptist Counsel.

When I first used the phrase "Put that dick in my mouth,"

it was roundly embraced

as a fun catchphrase that exemplified

the spirit of the game.

But when I said,

"Put that big black dick in my mouth,"

I wrongly introduced race

and reopened some old wounds

that date back to the civil war. I--

We won't ever forgive you!

[CROWD SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

[*]

MAN: Hey, sweetheart.

What can I get for twenty bucks?

Put that dick in my mouth? You're under arrest.

No, no-- And in the end,

the phrase that brought the world to its feet,

brought Jerry to his knees.

[ALL SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

NARRATOR: And now, Drunk Driving Super Hero!

Tonight's episode: "Jagerbombs Away."

[*]

[*]

[KIDS SCREAMING]

[*]

[GUNS COCK]

[CRIES OUT]

[*]

[APPLAUSE]

The town of Libertyville

would like to present you with this key to the city.

For without your dangerously high-blood alcohol level,

and impaired motor skills,

those innocent children

would have been killed by that gunman.

Your alcoholism

has served our community well.

And we all thank you.

[APPLAUSE]

This is from the girl at the end of the bar.

[MUSIC PLAYS ON TV]

A bus carrying a group of senior citizens

from a local nursing home has crashed

through a guard rail on the tristate freeway.

It's teetering precariously over the edge

and authorities don't know what to do.

[*]

GIRL: Hey, mister.

You forgot something.

[*]

[*]

[*]

[DRUM ROLL]

CROWD: Wow.

Oh-h-h, yeah!

All right, all right. [APPLAUSE]

I recently finished writing a song

in my private language.

It's taken 30 years

so you'd think that I'd be filled with joy,

but no, I'm filled with great regret.

For if I hadn't strangled my twin brother in the womb

those many years ago when I was in the womb,

well there would be somebody who understands this song.

Which makes this

the saddest song ever written!

[*]

[SINGING GIBBERISH]

* I'm totally crazy

* Some even call me Mentally ill *

* But that doesn't phase me

* I plan on getting Even crazier still *

[SINGING GIBBERISH]

* Crazier still

* I plan on getting Even crazier still *

[SINGING GIBBERISH]

* Crazier still

* If no one else Will do it I will *

[SINGING GIBBERISH]

* I'm totally crazy

* Some even call me Mentally ill *

* But that doesn't phase me

* And I plan on getting Even crazier still *

[SINGING GIBBERISH]

* Crazier still

* I plan on getting Even crazier still *

[SINGING GIBBERISH]

* Crazier still

* I plan on getting Even crazier still *

[SINGS GIBBERISH, LAUGHS]

* Crazier still

* If no one else Will do it *

* I will

[APPLAUSE]

Okay, buddy, time's up.

I paid for the whole hour,

and I will get the whole damn hour!

Okay.

No need to get excited.

[*]

Here we are at the end

of another wonderful Funny or Die Presents.

I think that calls for a celebration.

Oh, I don't care how you celebrate,

but I'm gonna finish this bottle of vodka

and go throw bricks at city busses.

[CONVERSING INAUDIBLY]

[*]