Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:07,741 --> 00:00:09,711
[*]
2
00:00:10,878 --> 00:00:12,778
Look at these dopes.
3
00:00:12,880 --> 00:00:14,320
Spit on them, Jay.
Go ahead.
4
00:00:14,415 --> 00:00:15,615
[HORKS]
5
00:00:18,686 --> 00:00:20,786
I'm sorry your mom got bit
by a bird and now she's dead
6
00:00:20,888 --> 00:00:23,258
and we're stuck living
in this house together, okay?
7
00:00:23,357 --> 00:00:25,087
That's not the way
I pictured it going.
8
00:00:25,193 --> 00:00:26,993
Booty call, motherfucker.
I'm gonna get some--
9
00:00:27,095 --> 00:00:28,725
[GRUNTING]
10
00:00:28,829 --> 00:00:30,099
Who are you?
11
00:00:30,198 --> 00:00:32,628
I'm sorry, I'm nobody-- Ah!
12
00:00:32,733 --> 00:00:34,803
[GRUNTS]
You're the devil,
13
00:00:34,902 --> 00:00:35,572
and I'm gonna kill you.
14
00:00:48,716 --> 00:00:51,686
Hello, have you noticed
that the world of computers
15
00:00:51,785 --> 00:00:55,455
and the world of television
are slowly becoming one?
16
00:00:55,556 --> 00:00:58,126
At Funny or Die we're leading
that charge.
17
00:00:58,226 --> 00:00:59,826
By busting up the unions,
18
00:00:59,927 --> 00:01:01,357
by underpaying our talent
19
00:01:01,462 --> 00:01:04,532
and by focusing solely
on our profit margins,
20
00:01:04,632 --> 00:01:07,172
we've added to a climate
where traditional TV
21
00:01:07,268 --> 00:01:09,398
simply cannot compete.
22
00:01:09,503 --> 00:01:13,043
Will this be good
for television?
23
00:01:13,141 --> 00:01:15,241
Who cares?
As long as I get mine.
24
00:01:15,343 --> 00:01:17,583
But what about you,
the unemployed reprobate,
25
00:01:17,678 --> 00:01:20,408
sitting around in your greasy
sweatpants watching hours
26
00:01:20,514 --> 00:01:22,684
and hours
of quality television?
27
00:01:22,783 --> 00:01:25,153
More than likely you'll turn
to cheaper and cheaper forms
28
00:01:25,253 --> 00:01:27,993
of vulgar entertainment like
what you're about to see.
29
00:01:28,088 --> 00:01:29,988
No one's happy about this
30
00:01:30,090 --> 00:01:31,590
but there's just not
a lot we can do.
31
00:01:32,793 --> 00:01:33,793
So deal with it.
32
00:01:35,163 --> 00:01:38,133
[*]
33
00:02:00,388 --> 00:02:03,118
ANNOUNCER:
Tonight, on the Funny
or Die Network.
34
00:02:03,224 --> 00:02:05,294
From Rob Riggle and Paul Scheer
35
00:02:05,393 --> 00:02:08,703
it's Episode 2
of Designated Driver.
36
00:02:08,796 --> 00:02:14,466
And, from Tim and Eric,
a short film: Father and Son.
37
00:02:20,808 --> 00:02:21,778
[PHONE RINGS]
38
00:02:21,875 --> 00:02:23,075
TABACK:
Man, I'm drunk.
39
00:02:23,177 --> 00:02:24,607
You gotta come
pick my ass up.
40
00:02:25,513 --> 00:02:27,353
BARRY:
Go, move, go, go!
41
00:02:27,448 --> 00:02:29,078
Oh, fuck, donuts. Right there.
42
00:02:29,183 --> 00:02:30,123
Calm down.
43
00:02:30,218 --> 00:02:31,448
[GRUNTS]
No, no, no, no!
44
00:02:31,552 --> 00:02:32,992
Pow! Whoo!
45
00:02:33,086 --> 00:02:36,456
Do-nut mind if I do.
46
00:02:36,557 --> 00:02:38,187
TABACK: Drive!
BARRY: Don't yell!
47
00:02:38,292 --> 00:02:39,392
Don't yell at me, all right? Oh!
48
00:02:39,493 --> 00:02:41,503
Chill out
he just shot my donut.
49
00:02:41,595 --> 00:02:42,725
Fuck!
50
00:02:42,830 --> 00:02:44,830
[*]
51
00:02:50,904 --> 00:02:52,414
Oh, God.
52
00:02:52,506 --> 00:02:54,136
[BREATHES HEAVILY]
[LAUGHS]
53
00:02:54,242 --> 00:02:55,482
That was fun, wasn't it?
54
00:02:55,576 --> 00:02:57,476
Uh, I feel my heartbeat
in my ears.
55
00:02:57,578 --> 00:02:59,408
[SIGHS]
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
56
00:02:59,513 --> 00:03:01,783
What's your problem, dude?
We were just shot at.
57
00:03:01,882 --> 00:03:05,152
Christ, he shot my donut. Think
about how that makes me feel.
58
00:03:05,253 --> 00:03:06,853
We're gonna die.
Gotta tell you something.
59
00:03:06,954 --> 00:03:09,224
Hey, look at me.
Think he saw my license plate?
60
00:03:09,323 --> 00:03:11,533
Your car is shit.
What are you talking about?
61
00:03:11,625 --> 00:03:13,985
You buy a Japanese car,
you get Japanese legroom.
62
00:03:14,094 --> 00:03:16,464
What are you talking about?
We need to ditch this car.
63
00:03:16,564 --> 00:03:18,434
You got any gasoline?
We'll torch it.
64
00:03:18,532 --> 00:03:20,132
No.
I know a guy your size--
65
00:03:20,234 --> 00:03:21,774
No, you know what?
We're going to the cops.
66
00:03:21,869 --> 00:03:23,169
No. Duh.
67
00:03:23,271 --> 00:03:25,211
That's a fucking
stupid idea, retard.
68
00:03:25,306 --> 00:03:26,636
You're acting like a pussy.
69
00:03:26,740 --> 00:03:28,910
And I need you
to calm the fuck down.
70
00:03:29,009 --> 00:03:31,509
I'm taking control. I'm taking
control of this situation.
71
00:03:31,612 --> 00:03:33,482
You can't even take control
of your dick.
72
00:03:33,581 --> 00:03:35,381
Look in the mirror and go,
"How did I lose to my dick
73
00:03:35,483 --> 00:03:37,323
when I tried to jerk off?"
Because I-- I--
74
00:03:37,418 --> 00:03:39,688
Sometimes I can't
make myself come.
75
00:03:39,787 --> 00:03:41,857
[LAUGHS]
76
00:03:41,955 --> 00:03:43,015
What?
77
00:03:43,123 --> 00:03:45,163
Really?
Yeah.
78
00:03:45,259 --> 00:03:46,389
It's the easiest thing.
79
00:03:46,494 --> 00:03:47,964
I have to be
in the right mindset.
80
00:03:48,061 --> 00:03:50,401
I mean, if I'm not like--
Oh, snap!
81
00:03:50,498 --> 00:03:52,398
Look at that.
Oh.
82
00:03:52,500 --> 00:03:54,640
TABACK:
Look what's on the other end
of the rainbow.
83
00:03:54,735 --> 00:03:56,765
Booty call, motherfucker!
I'm gonna get some--
84
00:03:56,870 --> 00:03:58,270
[GRUNTING]
85
00:03:58,372 --> 00:04:00,312
I'm gonna fuck that ass
is what I'm gonna do.
86
00:04:00,408 --> 00:04:02,608
Here-- Tell you what.
Put the car in drive. Let's go.
87
00:04:02,710 --> 00:04:03,640
We gotta go.
88
00:04:03,744 --> 00:04:05,954
But you just said
we should ditch the car.
89
00:04:06,046 --> 00:04:07,676
Well, that's
a good idea, retard-o.
90
00:04:07,781 --> 00:04:10,251
That's the dumbest thing I ever
heard in my whole fucking life.
91
00:04:10,351 --> 00:04:11,721
Look at me.
I'm a fucking man.
92
00:04:11,819 --> 00:04:13,919
I'm an American man
and I'm sitting here eating
93
00:04:14,021 --> 00:04:15,291
my fucking knees.
94
00:04:15,389 --> 00:04:17,929
I can't get any fucking legroom!
95
00:04:18,025 --> 00:04:20,855
Fuck! Oh.
96
00:04:20,961 --> 00:04:22,261
You just broke my seat.
97
00:04:22,363 --> 00:04:24,133
I honestly think it was broken
to begin with.
98
00:04:24,231 --> 00:04:25,931
It wasn't broken.
You just ripped that--
99
00:04:26,033 --> 00:04:28,473
[METAL CLANGS]
100
00:04:28,569 --> 00:04:30,639
I'm gonna plug
this shit in.
101
00:04:32,105 --> 00:04:33,335
Yeah--
No, no, no. Do you--?
102
00:04:33,441 --> 00:04:34,981
Hold on.
Do you--?
103
00:04:35,075 --> 00:04:37,305
BARRY: Know what you're doing?
TABACK: Not really.
104
00:04:37,411 --> 00:04:38,781
[BRAKES SQUEAL]
105
00:04:40,714 --> 00:04:41,954
You're sure
this is the place?
106
00:04:42,049 --> 00:04:43,249
Oh, yeah.
107
00:04:43,351 --> 00:04:47,421
This one,
she loves the old ATM.
108
00:04:47,521 --> 00:04:49,361
Ass-to-mouth.
[GROANS]
109
00:04:49,457 --> 00:04:50,817
I take my dick out
of her ass and--
110
00:04:50,924 --> 00:04:53,164
No, I don't want to hear it.
I'll just wait out here.
111
00:04:53,260 --> 00:04:55,560
Fuck that,
I need my wing man.
112
00:04:55,663 --> 00:04:58,133
What?
Come on in and get a slice.
113
00:04:58,231 --> 00:04:59,371
[LAUGHING]
Come on, buddy,
114
00:04:59,467 --> 00:05:00,627
this'll be a good time.
115
00:05:00,734 --> 00:05:01,744
All right.
116
00:05:03,236 --> 00:05:04,906
WOMAN: Yes!
TABACK: I'm gonna fuck you!
117
00:05:05,005 --> 00:05:06,305
WOMAN:
Fuck me harder!
118
00:05:06,407 --> 00:05:07,637
MAN: Yeah!
WOMAN: Fuck me harder!
119
00:05:07,741 --> 00:05:09,881
Oh, stop, stop!
[SIGHS]
120
00:05:09,977 --> 00:05:11,807
[BOTH GRUNTING]
TABACK: I love to fuck you!
121
00:05:11,912 --> 00:05:14,212
WOMAN: I love you to fuck me!
TABACK: I love to fuck you!
122
00:05:14,314 --> 00:05:16,824
So, uh, you go to school?
123
00:05:16,917 --> 00:05:18,917
Yeah.
Cool.
124
00:05:19,019 --> 00:05:21,089
Cool, cool, cool.
125
00:05:21,188 --> 00:05:22,858
Super cool.
126
00:05:22,956 --> 00:05:26,126
Uh, you have
a girlfriend at school?
127
00:05:26,226 --> 00:05:27,426
No.
WOMAN: Oh! Oh! Oh!
128
00:05:27,528 --> 00:05:29,998
Yeah, I have a girlfriend.
129
00:05:30,097 --> 00:05:31,997
Ros.
130
00:05:32,099 --> 00:05:33,299
But it's weird.
131
00:05:33,401 --> 00:05:34,971
Because it's like,
I don't understand,
132
00:05:35,068 --> 00:05:36,568
where we're at necessarily.
133
00:05:36,670 --> 00:05:38,440
I'll text her. She doesn't text
me back for three days.
134
00:05:38,539 --> 00:05:40,209
Then she does text me back so
it's like
135
00:05:40,307 --> 00:05:41,637
is she playing something
on me?
136
00:05:41,742 --> 00:05:43,312
You ever read
The Giving Tree?
137
00:05:43,411 --> 00:05:45,951
Don't-- Don't be the tree,
138
00:05:46,046 --> 00:05:47,206
is what I'll tell you.
139
00:05:47,314 --> 00:05:48,624
That boy takes everything
from the tree
140
00:05:48,716 --> 00:05:50,516
and then it's just a stump.
141
00:05:50,618 --> 00:05:52,718
That's what I am:
a stump, sometimes.
142
00:05:52,820 --> 00:05:54,250
Take, take, take, take, take.
143
00:05:54,354 --> 00:05:56,194
[CAR APPROACHING]
What's that?
144
00:05:56,289 --> 00:05:58,259
Probably my dad.
145
00:05:58,358 --> 00:06:00,488
Your mom's married?
146
00:06:00,594 --> 00:06:03,634
Yeah, my dad works nights.
147
00:06:03,731 --> 00:06:05,571
Taback! Taback! We got company.
148
00:06:05,666 --> 00:06:07,126
[TABACK YELLS INDISTINCTLY]
149
00:06:07,234 --> 00:06:08,304
She's married, her husband--!
150
00:06:08,402 --> 00:06:10,272
Oh, man,
you will not believe
151
00:06:10,370 --> 00:06:12,710
the foolishness
I had to put up with--
152
00:06:12,806 --> 00:06:14,436
Who are you?
153
00:06:14,542 --> 00:06:16,012
I'm sorry, I'm nobody-- Ah!
154
00:06:16,109 --> 00:06:17,579
[GRUNTS]
155
00:06:17,678 --> 00:06:18,808
Did you touch my wife?
156
00:06:18,912 --> 00:06:21,212
No.
157
00:06:21,314 --> 00:06:22,784
Then why are you
in your jimjams?
158
00:06:22,883 --> 00:06:24,083
I'm sorry.
159
00:06:24,184 --> 00:06:26,694
TABACK:
Hey! Shut the fuck up
down there!
160
00:06:26,787 --> 00:06:29,817
Jesus Christ, all this noise
it's hard to keep my dick hard.
161
00:06:29,923 --> 00:06:30,793
You!
162
00:06:30,891 --> 00:06:32,291
What the fuck
are you doing home?
163
00:06:32,392 --> 00:06:35,062
You're the devil,
and I'm gonna kill you.
164
00:06:35,162 --> 00:06:36,962
Go fuck yourself.
165
00:06:37,064 --> 00:06:39,074
No.
You're dead.
166
00:06:39,166 --> 00:06:41,836
Back up! Back up!
167
00:06:41,935 --> 00:06:43,265
Back up! Back up!
168
00:06:43,370 --> 00:06:44,510
Shit-- Oh.
169
00:06:44,605 --> 00:06:46,005
[TABACK GRUNTS]
170
00:06:47,908 --> 00:06:49,278
[LAUGHS]
171
00:06:49,376 --> 00:06:50,536
TABACK:
Come on, move!
172
00:06:50,644 --> 00:06:53,184
Maybe you shouldn't hate Jews
so much!
173
00:06:53,280 --> 00:06:54,750
Ha-ha. Hey, big boy?
174
00:06:54,848 --> 00:06:58,748
Do-nut mind if I do...
your wife.
175
00:06:58,852 --> 00:06:59,992
[LAUGHS]
176
00:07:00,087 --> 00:07:00,987
Oh, hey, baby.
177
00:07:01,088 --> 00:07:02,918
Mm.
178
00:07:03,023 --> 00:07:04,363
Come on!
179
00:07:04,458 --> 00:07:06,128
Oh, yeah. Good stuff.
180
00:07:06,226 --> 00:07:07,926
I'll talk to you later!
181
00:07:08,028 --> 00:07:09,658
Come on!
182
00:07:10,631 --> 00:07:12,271
All right.
Can you come here?
183
00:07:12,365 --> 00:07:14,535
Come on! I got it.
184
00:07:15,603 --> 00:07:17,303
Come on, come on,
come on!
185
00:07:17,404 --> 00:07:18,914
[COCKS GUN]
186
00:07:20,007 --> 00:07:21,837
[YELLS]
[GUNSHOT]
187
00:07:24,111 --> 00:07:25,711
Junior?
188
00:07:25,813 --> 00:07:28,953
You devils made me kill my boy!
189
00:07:31,351 --> 00:07:33,751
[*]
190
00:07:34,655 --> 00:07:36,515
You shot Mr. Bear.
191
00:07:36,624 --> 00:07:38,364
Oh, thank God.
Come on!
192
00:07:38,458 --> 00:07:40,558
[*]
193
00:07:44,364 --> 00:07:46,034
[*]
194
00:07:48,902 --> 00:07:50,802
[*]
195
00:08:00,247 --> 00:08:02,777
[*]
196
00:08:07,320 --> 00:08:08,860
JASON:
My name is Jason.
197
00:08:08,956 --> 00:08:11,256
I'm 26 years old
and I live here
198
00:08:11,358 --> 00:08:12,688
with my dad, Roy.
199
00:08:12,793 --> 00:08:14,263
Well, he's my stepdad.
200
00:08:14,361 --> 00:08:17,331
He took me in after my mom died
about two years ago,
201
00:08:17,430 --> 00:08:19,000
when she was bit by a bird.
202
00:08:19,099 --> 00:08:22,039
ROY:
Uh, my name's Roy Ginger, 39.
203
00:08:22,135 --> 00:08:25,005
Pizza delivery man,
uh, driver.
204
00:08:25,105 --> 00:08:26,805
I married Sharron
on the 4th of July
205
00:08:26,907 --> 00:08:29,107
when I was 30 and she was 40.
206
00:08:29,209 --> 00:08:30,879
Ex-friend of mine would say
that I would--
207
00:08:30,978 --> 00:08:32,578
Had a propensity
towards older women.
208
00:08:32,680 --> 00:08:35,350
Sex-- Uh, marriage-wise,
sexually.
209
00:08:35,448 --> 00:08:37,548
I inherited Jay,
I suppose you'd say.
210
00:08:37,651 --> 00:08:39,821
Uh, he's my son.
I love him very much.
211
00:08:39,920 --> 00:08:41,590
JAY:
My real dad died at childbirth.
212
00:08:41,689 --> 00:08:43,519
He had a weak heart.
213
00:08:43,624 --> 00:08:45,964
Roy says,
"Your dad had a shit heart.
214
00:08:46,059 --> 00:08:47,559
He's not man."
215
00:08:47,661 --> 00:08:49,501
He was a helicopter pilot,
and that's the reason
216
00:08:49,597 --> 00:08:52,197
I love helicopters
and whirlybirds.
217
00:08:52,299 --> 00:08:53,699
I love the way they sound
218
00:08:53,801 --> 00:08:57,401
and I'm pretty much an expert
on helicopters.
219
00:08:57,504 --> 00:08:59,674
That and magic tricks.
220
00:08:59,773 --> 00:09:01,713
I love magic, but not as much
as helicopters,
221
00:09:01,809 --> 00:09:03,809
but I'm really good
at magic too.
222
00:09:03,911 --> 00:09:05,881
ROY:
Jay's-- He's--
Physically he's fine.
223
00:09:05,979 --> 00:09:08,049
He's a handsome, tall,
good-looking kid.
224
00:09:08,148 --> 00:09:11,988
It's just emotionally he's,
um... touched.
225
00:09:12,085 --> 00:09:14,915
He's an emotionally
disturbed boy--
226
00:09:15,022 --> 00:09:17,022
Man.
227
00:09:17,124 --> 00:09:19,794
ROY:
All right,
get it while it's hot.
228
00:09:22,930 --> 00:09:24,630
[SIGHS]
229
00:09:26,734 --> 00:09:28,104
How was your day?
230
00:09:28,201 --> 00:09:30,471
Oh, it was good.
I'm replacing the lower motor
231
00:09:30,570 --> 00:09:31,970
on this Anderson B6.
Uh-huh.
232
00:09:32,072 --> 00:09:34,072
I added a 30-minute battery...
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
233
00:09:34,174 --> 00:09:35,684
...so it could
have a longer flight.
234
00:09:35,776 --> 00:09:38,006
Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep.
235
00:09:38,111 --> 00:09:39,111
Yep, mm-hm.
236
00:09:39,212 --> 00:09:40,812
You're not even listening
to me, are you?
237
00:09:40,914 --> 00:09:42,424
Jay, I'm trying here,
238
00:09:42,515 --> 00:09:43,845
but this copter shit's boring
me.
239
00:09:43,951 --> 00:09:45,521
You gotta give
me something else.
240
00:09:45,619 --> 00:09:47,659
Thanks for caring
about my favorite hobby, Dad.
241
00:09:47,755 --> 00:09:50,685
I really appreciate it.
I'm trying as hard as I can!
242
00:09:50,791 --> 00:09:53,031
I'm sorry your mom got bit
by a bird and now she's dead
243
00:09:53,126 --> 00:09:54,826
and we're stuck
living together.
244
00:09:54,928 --> 00:09:56,828
That's not the way
I pictured it.
245
00:09:56,930 --> 00:09:59,600
Don't you dare talk about Mom.
Jesus Christ, Jay!
246
00:09:59,700 --> 00:10:01,370
You sit in that room,
play with your toys.
247
00:10:01,468 --> 00:10:03,038
These aren't toys,
they're birds.
248
00:10:03,136 --> 00:10:04,436
Yes, they are toys.
249
00:10:04,537 --> 00:10:07,337
It's not a toy, Dad.
Fuck you! It's a toy!
250
00:10:07,440 --> 00:10:09,640
What the fuck is wrong with you?
Why don't you grow up?
251
00:10:09,743 --> 00:10:11,683
This is a toy.
Dad, stop.
252
00:10:11,779 --> 00:10:13,449
"I'm Jay,
I'm a little flight dick."
253
00:10:13,546 --> 00:10:14,576
No!
254
00:10:14,682 --> 00:10:15,852
"I'm your dumb dead
dad pilot
255
00:10:15,949 --> 00:10:17,449
flying around
saving people's--"
256
00:10:17,550 --> 00:10:19,290
Shut up.
Fuck you!
257
00:10:19,386 --> 00:10:21,146
I hate you!
258
00:10:21,254 --> 00:10:22,824
[CRYING]
I hate you!
259
00:10:25,325 --> 00:10:27,225
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
260
00:10:27,327 --> 00:10:29,027
JAY:
Come in.
261
00:10:31,531 --> 00:10:32,901
[SIGHS]
262
00:10:33,000 --> 00:10:34,740
Hey.
263
00:10:35,969 --> 00:10:37,139
Hey.
264
00:10:38,205 --> 00:10:40,635
Jay, I'm sorry. I--
265
00:10:40,741 --> 00:10:42,341
I'm just trying to be
a good dad. I don't know.
266
00:10:42,442 --> 00:10:44,752
You know, I'm winging this.
Yeah, I'm trying too,
267
00:10:44,845 --> 00:10:46,905
but it doesn't seem like you
care at all about this--
268
00:10:47,014 --> 00:10:48,854
Jay, I do care. I just can't
stand watching you
269
00:10:48,949 --> 00:10:50,619
not apply yourself here.
270
00:10:50,718 --> 00:10:52,748
Look at your old man.
He's working 60 hours a week
271
00:10:52,853 --> 00:10:55,263
delivering pies
all over town.
272
00:10:55,355 --> 00:10:58,385
I'm not sitting in here just
playing around with some planes.
273
00:10:58,491 --> 00:10:59,961
They're whirlybirds, Dad.
274
00:11:00,060 --> 00:11:01,830
Whirlybirds, whatever.
Listen.
275
00:11:01,929 --> 00:11:04,099
Why don't you come down to Mama
Noodles. I'll get you a job.
276
00:11:04,197 --> 00:11:06,267
They're always looking
for delivery boys.
277
00:11:06,366 --> 00:11:07,696
Dad, you know I can't drive.
278
00:11:07,801 --> 00:11:09,301
I'm scared of that honky horn.
279
00:11:09,402 --> 00:11:11,142
[SIGHS]
280
00:11:11,238 --> 00:11:13,008
That's a good point.
281
00:11:13,106 --> 00:11:16,536
Lord, you blessed me
with a weird stepson.
282
00:11:16,643 --> 00:11:17,613
Tell you what.
283
00:11:17,711 --> 00:11:19,311
Give me a good-night hug,
284
00:11:19,412 --> 00:11:21,212
work on this shit tomorrow.
285
00:11:21,314 --> 00:11:22,724
Come here.
286
00:11:24,785 --> 00:11:27,545
[SIGHS]
287
00:11:27,654 --> 00:11:30,724
Oh, that reminds me, tryouts
are coming up, uh, next week.
288
00:11:30,824 --> 00:11:34,234
So I want to get you started
working on your rap.
289
00:11:34,327 --> 00:11:36,197
We gonna do that again?
290
00:11:36,296 --> 00:11:37,966
Yeah. We're doing
it again, Jay, okay?
291
00:11:38,065 --> 00:11:39,425
And this time
we're gonna win.
292
00:11:39,532 --> 00:11:41,672
We're gonna go in there
and get the cover. Now you--
293
00:11:41,769 --> 00:11:42,939
Now are you in this or what?
294
00:11:43,036 --> 00:11:44,966
Okay, Dad.
We're gonna win.
295
00:11:45,072 --> 00:11:46,812
[LAUGHS]
296
00:11:46,907 --> 00:11:48,777
JAY:
Every year, Roy enters us in
this contest
297
00:11:48,876 --> 00:11:51,306
to get on the cover
of Father & Son magazine.
298
00:11:51,411 --> 00:11:52,981
We have to do some kind
of performance
299
00:11:53,080 --> 00:11:54,010
or an essay or something,
300
00:11:54,114 --> 00:11:55,524
and I'm just not into it.
301
00:11:55,615 --> 00:11:57,345
I mean, he's not even
my real dad.
302
00:11:57,450 --> 00:11:58,990
It's weird.
303
00:12:00,888 --> 00:12:02,588
[CELL PHONE RINGS]
304
00:12:02,689 --> 00:12:03,989
ROY:
Yeah, hello?
305
00:12:04,091 --> 00:12:05,831
MAN: Hey, Roy?
ROY: Yeah.
306
00:12:05,926 --> 00:12:08,026
Remember that black chick
you banged a while back?
307
00:12:08,128 --> 00:12:09,928
Yeah, shit, I remember her.
She's got a k--
308
00:12:10,030 --> 00:12:12,270
Well, a couple more
than a couple times.
309
00:12:12,365 --> 00:12:13,465
Yeah, man.
Uh-huh.
310
00:12:13,566 --> 00:12:14,696
She's got a kid.
Guess what dude?
311
00:12:14,802 --> 00:12:16,302
Holy shit r--
It's yours.
312
00:12:16,403 --> 00:12:17,543
Me?
It's got your DNA.
313
00:12:17,637 --> 00:12:18,937
My God, yeah, well,
that makes sense.
314
00:12:19,039 --> 00:12:20,869
I'm looking at
the paternity test right now.
315
00:12:20,974 --> 00:12:23,014
Is it--?
Wow. Uh, yeah-- No.
316
00:12:23,110 --> 00:12:25,180
Is it a boy or a girl?
It's like a 12-year-old boy
317
00:12:25,278 --> 00:12:26,578
or some shit like that.
Wow.
318
00:12:26,679 --> 00:12:27,749
Isn't that crazy?
Yeah.
319
00:12:27,848 --> 00:12:29,018
Do you want her number or what?
320
00:12:29,116 --> 00:12:30,416
Well, yeah,
give me her number.
321
00:12:30,517 --> 00:12:31,477
Jesus.
322
00:12:31,584 --> 00:12:32,624
I'll just e-mail it to you.
323
00:12:32,719 --> 00:12:34,719
Holy shit.
324
00:12:34,822 --> 00:12:35,862
Or I'll a fax it to you.
325
00:12:35,956 --> 00:12:39,686
A son. A real son.
326
00:12:39,793 --> 00:12:40,593
Hello?
327
00:12:40,693 --> 00:12:42,763
[*]
328
00:12:43,630 --> 00:12:45,770
[SYNTHETIC DRUM SOUNDS]
329
00:12:50,770 --> 00:12:51,810
Oh, hey.
330
00:12:51,905 --> 00:12:53,165
Hey.
What are you doing home?
331
00:12:53,273 --> 00:12:55,343
I thought you were going to, uh,
copter club.
332
00:12:55,442 --> 00:12:56,682
Yeah, I took the night off.
333
00:12:56,776 --> 00:12:58,546
I was working on
the drum fills for the song.
334
00:12:58,645 --> 00:12:59,945
I think I really got it down.
335
00:13:00,047 --> 00:13:02,147
You don't even have to worry
about that anymore.
336
00:13:02,249 --> 00:13:03,919
I got some news.
337
00:13:04,017 --> 00:13:05,047
What do you mean?
338
00:13:05,152 --> 00:13:07,052
[SIGHS]
I'm gonna to be a daddy.
339
00:13:07,154 --> 00:13:09,394
A dad?
I'm talking about a real dad.
340
00:13:09,489 --> 00:13:11,659
None of this stepfather bullshit
we got going on here.
341
00:13:11,758 --> 00:13:14,058
That reminds me, I gotta get
your shit out of the rec room,
342
00:13:14,161 --> 00:13:15,501
because he's gonna
be moving in.
343
00:13:15,595 --> 00:13:16,825
Uh, his name's Andrew.
344
00:13:16,930 --> 00:13:18,170
He's 12 years old.
345
00:13:18,265 --> 00:13:20,425
He's very smart
and bright.
346
00:13:20,533 --> 00:13:22,073
Also, he's black.
347
00:13:22,169 --> 00:13:24,099
Which is great for me because
you know how Father & Son
348
00:13:24,204 --> 00:13:26,414
likes that diversity shit.
349
00:13:26,506 --> 00:13:27,836
He's a black boy?
350
00:13:27,941 --> 00:13:29,041
Yeah. I just found out.
351
00:13:29,142 --> 00:13:30,512
A woman used to date
a long time ago,
352
00:13:30,610 --> 00:13:31,540
she has a son.
353
00:13:31,644 --> 00:13:33,254
It's mine. Biologically.
354
00:13:33,346 --> 00:13:36,876
I-- I was really trying to make
this work, with-- With us.
355
00:13:36,984 --> 00:13:39,154
I-- I don't know what
to say here.
356
00:13:39,252 --> 00:13:41,052
Well, I thought
you'd say thank you.
357
00:13:41,154 --> 00:13:43,564
Jay, I didn't think you wanted
anything to do with this thing.
358
00:13:43,656 --> 00:13:45,626
I was looking forward to this.
359
00:13:45,725 --> 00:13:48,195
Well, just meet Andrew.
360
00:13:48,295 --> 00:13:50,295
You're gonna love him.
He's such a great kid.
361
00:13:50,397 --> 00:13:51,867
I gotta go pick him up.
362
00:13:54,434 --> 00:13:55,274
[DOOR CLOSES]
363
00:13:55,368 --> 00:13:56,668
[*]
364
00:13:56,769 --> 00:13:58,969
* The new kid's movin' in
365
00:13:59,072 --> 00:14:00,972
* New kid's movin' in
366
00:14:01,074 --> 00:14:03,884
* It's gonna be
So wonderful to have him *
367
00:14:03,977 --> 00:14:06,777
* Yeah, the new kid's
Movin' in *
368
00:14:06,880 --> 00:14:08,520
* New kid's movin' in
369
00:14:08,615 --> 00:14:13,215
* We're gonna have the greatest
Time you ever saw *
370
00:14:13,320 --> 00:14:15,090
* The new kid's movin' in
371
00:14:15,188 --> 00:14:16,818
* New kid's movin' in
372
00:14:16,924 --> 00:14:18,094
Oh, sorry.
373
00:14:18,191 --> 00:14:19,791
Just enjoying my son here.
374
00:14:19,893 --> 00:14:21,033
He's my real boy.
375
00:14:22,495 --> 00:14:23,655
I love him.
376
00:14:23,763 --> 00:14:25,203
That's $11.50.
377
00:14:25,298 --> 00:14:28,498
* Let me tell you all about
378
00:14:28,601 --> 00:14:30,201
* The new kid movin' in
379
00:14:30,303 --> 00:14:32,343
* New kid's movin' in
380
00:14:32,439 --> 00:14:36,109
* You're gonna see
It's really something magical *
381
00:14:36,209 --> 00:14:38,649
* The new kid's movin' in
382
00:14:38,745 --> 00:14:40,645
* New kid's movin' in
383
00:14:40,747 --> 00:14:44,217
* You're gonna see
It's always gettin' better *
384
00:14:57,430 --> 00:14:58,830
Yeah, that's right.
385
00:14:58,932 --> 00:15:00,732
Good w-- Good work.
Thanks.
386
00:15:00,833 --> 00:15:01,943
ROY:
What do you think?
387
00:15:02,035 --> 00:15:03,195
ANDREW: Works for me.
Hey, Dad.
388
00:15:03,303 --> 00:15:05,143
Oh, hey, Jay.
Hey, I'm wondering
389
00:15:05,238 --> 00:15:06,908
if I could take Andrew
to the cliffs?
390
00:15:07,007 --> 00:15:08,977
I wanna show him some
of the hang gliders.
391
00:15:09,076 --> 00:15:12,676
Uh, it's all right by me,
392
00:15:12,779 --> 00:15:14,149
as long as you
bring him back soon.
393
00:15:14,247 --> 00:15:15,747
We got a lot of rehearsing
to do later.
394
00:15:15,848 --> 00:15:17,448
Right buddy?
Mm-hm.
395
00:15:19,886 --> 00:15:21,316
[*]
396
00:15:21,421 --> 00:15:23,221
[SQUAWKING]
397
00:15:25,892 --> 00:15:27,692
See the gliders from up here.
398
00:15:27,794 --> 00:15:29,634
Man, I love my new dad.
399
00:15:29,729 --> 00:15:30,959
You know he's
a pizza delivery man?
400
00:15:31,064 --> 00:15:33,434
Yeah, he's my dad.
401
00:15:33,533 --> 00:15:35,343
I know we're gonna win
the cover of Father & Son.
402
00:15:35,435 --> 00:15:36,995
And he says you're gonna
move out,
403
00:15:37,104 --> 00:15:39,914
and I can take your room
and your helicopters.
404
00:15:40,007 --> 00:15:42,137
He said that?
Yeah.
405
00:15:42,242 --> 00:15:44,812
And I'm gonna take them apart
and build cars
406
00:15:44,911 --> 00:15:45,911
and all kinds
of other st--
407
00:15:46,013 --> 00:15:47,613
[GASPS]
408
00:15:55,488 --> 00:15:57,158
[SCREAMS]
409
00:16:03,896 --> 00:16:04,796
JAY:
Dad!
410
00:16:04,897 --> 00:16:07,027
Dad!
What?
411
00:16:08,868 --> 00:16:10,098
What happened?
412
00:16:10,203 --> 00:16:12,113
[CRYING]
He fell. He's dead.
413
00:16:13,273 --> 00:16:15,643
[SOBBING]
Oh, my God. My son.
414
00:16:15,742 --> 00:16:17,382
I'm sorry, Dad.
415
00:16:17,477 --> 00:16:18,547
Sorry.
416
00:16:18,645 --> 00:16:21,375
It's okay. It was just
an accident, right?
417
00:16:21,481 --> 00:16:22,781
Right?
418
00:16:22,882 --> 00:16:25,652
I wanted to be on the cover
of Father & Son with you.
419
00:16:26,919 --> 00:16:28,689
I'm sorry.
420
00:16:30,057 --> 00:16:31,857
You did this, didn't you!
421
00:16:31,958 --> 00:16:32,988
I want my dad back!
422
00:16:33,093 --> 00:16:34,833
Give me my son!
423
00:16:34,927 --> 00:16:36,927
I'm sorry!
424
00:16:37,030 --> 00:16:38,500
[BOTH SOBBING]
425
00:16:41,868 --> 00:16:43,468
Let's give him
some food.
426
00:16:46,639 --> 00:16:47,809
I'm sorry.
427
00:16:47,907 --> 00:16:49,207
Come here.
428
00:16:51,078 --> 00:16:52,948
Okay. It's okay.
429
00:16:53,046 --> 00:16:55,246
Oh, I'm so sorry.
430
00:16:56,549 --> 00:16:58,689
I forgive you.
431
00:16:59,486 --> 00:17:00,686
[CRYING]
432
00:17:00,787 --> 00:17:02,957
I'm sorry, Dad!
433
00:17:03,056 --> 00:17:05,626
You sure love
the hell out of me, don't you?
434
00:17:08,261 --> 00:17:10,731
I guess we have some rehearsing
to do, huh?
435
00:17:11,964 --> 00:17:12,874
Yes.
436
00:17:12,965 --> 00:17:14,795
Okay.
437
00:17:16,002 --> 00:17:17,202
Let's go.
438
00:17:20,973 --> 00:17:22,443
Two, three, go.
439
00:17:22,542 --> 00:17:24,712
[SPACEY TECHNO MUSIC
BEING PLAYED]
440
00:17:30,150 --> 00:17:31,280
[ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS]
441
00:17:31,384 --> 00:17:33,124
JAY:
Hi, this is Jason Ginger,
442
00:17:33,220 --> 00:17:34,790
this is a message
for Father & Son magazine
443
00:17:34,887 --> 00:17:36,457
audition committee.
444
00:17:36,556 --> 00:17:38,926
I want to make a correction
for the Father & Son
445
00:17:39,025 --> 00:17:40,385
magazine contest.
446
00:17:40,493 --> 00:17:42,233
Um, my stepdad, Roy,
initially signed up
447
00:17:42,329 --> 00:17:43,899
with Andrew, his black son,
448
00:17:43,996 --> 00:17:45,226
but there was an accident
449
00:17:45,332 --> 00:17:46,672
and now it's gonna
be me and him.
450
00:17:46,766 --> 00:17:48,196
I feel like
we've been getting along,
451
00:17:48,301 --> 00:17:49,741
and we're doing really good.
452
00:17:49,836 --> 00:17:52,706
So I can't wait
to see you tomorrow. Bye-bye.
453
00:17:52,805 --> 00:17:54,805
[*]
454
00:17:59,546 --> 00:18:00,846
Oh, jeez,
look at these dopes.
455
00:18:00,947 --> 00:18:02,277
[TIRES SCREECH]
456
00:18:02,382 --> 00:18:03,982
Oh. That's a nice-looking son
you got there.
457
00:18:04,083 --> 00:18:06,053
Thank you.
458
00:18:06,153 --> 00:18:08,093
Dumb idiot.
[LAUGHS]
459
00:18:08,188 --> 00:18:10,858
You might as well go home.
That cover's ours.
460
00:18:10,957 --> 00:18:12,557
You're shit.
[LAUGHS]
461
00:18:12,659 --> 00:18:15,659
ROY:
Yeah, you guys are an ugly
bunch of dopes.
462
00:18:15,762 --> 00:18:16,902
Give them a spit.
463
00:18:16,996 --> 00:18:18,866
What?
Spit on them, Jay, go ahead.
464
00:18:19,866 --> 00:18:21,666
[HORKS]
465
00:18:28,007 --> 00:18:29,507
Let's go.
466
00:18:29,609 --> 00:18:31,209
Go, go, go.
467
00:18:31,311 --> 00:18:34,951
BOY:
Basketball and baseball
and tennis and golf
468
00:18:35,047 --> 00:18:37,317
and archery and badminton.
I love my dad.
469
00:18:37,417 --> 00:18:38,717
Please love him too.
470
00:18:38,818 --> 00:18:39,948
[CHUCKLES]
471
00:18:40,052 --> 00:18:41,892
Well, that was great.
Thank you, Don.
472
00:18:41,988 --> 00:18:43,958
Yeah.
473
00:18:44,056 --> 00:18:45,826
Okay, send in
the next one, please.
474
00:18:45,925 --> 00:18:47,825
All right, uh,
475
00:18:47,927 --> 00:18:51,457
now we have Roy and--
476
00:18:51,564 --> 00:18:53,774
Uh, I'm-- I'm-- I'm sorry.
Wh-- What are you two?
477
00:18:53,866 --> 00:18:55,966
I'm Roy.
I'm Jay's stepdad.
478
00:18:56,068 --> 00:18:57,598
I'm Jason Ginger
and Roy's my dad.
479
00:18:57,704 --> 00:19:02,584
Uh, a little unusual,
but technically you're eligible.
480
00:19:02,675 --> 00:19:06,445
So, uh, let's see what you
brought us today, huh?
481
00:19:06,546 --> 00:19:07,976
Get to work.
Thank you.
482
00:19:08,080 --> 00:19:10,150
We'll be really quick,
Sorry about this.
483
00:19:10,250 --> 00:19:12,350
[DRILL WHIRRING]
484
00:19:15,455 --> 00:19:16,685
ROY:
Let me see the back.
485
00:19:16,789 --> 00:19:17,759
Let me see from the back.
486
00:19:17,857 --> 00:19:18,957
They're fine.
They're good.
487
00:19:19,058 --> 00:19:20,488
ROY:
Double check your cables.
488
00:19:20,593 --> 00:19:22,903
I'm not talking about electric.
I'm talking about audio.
489
00:19:22,995 --> 00:19:24,955
Check one, one, one.
490
00:19:25,064 --> 00:19:26,634
Can you--? Is it okay?
491
00:19:26,733 --> 00:19:28,973
Can I get some more
of me in the monitors?
492
00:19:29,068 --> 00:19:30,698
No monitors.
We're just playing here.
493
00:19:30,803 --> 00:19:32,143
Okay!
494
00:19:32,239 --> 00:19:33,739
All right,
sorry about that.
495
00:19:33,840 --> 00:19:36,380
Thank you for your patience,
once again.
496
00:19:36,476 --> 00:19:39,546
Roy and Jay Ginger
with "Father and Son."
497
00:19:41,381 --> 00:19:43,751
[PLAYING FUNKY DANCE MUSIC]
498
00:19:50,423 --> 00:19:55,303
* Hey, hey, hey, hey
Oh, yeah *
499
00:20:02,469 --> 00:20:04,569
* Father and son
500
00:20:06,005 --> 00:20:08,165
* That's who we are
501
00:20:08,275 --> 00:20:09,875
* Father and son
502
00:20:09,976 --> 00:20:12,276
* Father and son
503
00:20:13,913 --> 00:20:16,323
* That's who we are
504
00:20:16,416 --> 00:20:19,686
* Father and son
505
00:20:21,288 --> 00:20:23,188
* That's Jay
He's my only son *
506
00:20:23,290 --> 00:20:24,820
* I love him
More than anyone *
507
00:20:24,924 --> 00:20:27,134
* He's like flying helicopters
In the backyard *
508
00:20:27,226 --> 00:20:29,256
* Being his dad
It's not very hard *
509
00:20:29,362 --> 00:20:30,862
* That's Roy
He's my number-one dad *
510
00:20:30,963 --> 00:20:32,063
* Delivering those pies
511
00:20:32,164 --> 00:20:33,374
* And he makes me feel glad
512
00:20:33,466 --> 00:20:35,226
* That I'm his son
And he loves me *
513
00:20:35,335 --> 00:20:37,235
* A true father
Son in harmony *
514
00:20:37,337 --> 00:20:39,267
[PLAYS OFF-KEY GUITAR SOLO]
515
00:20:49,816 --> 00:20:52,546
Come on, now,
and clap your hands.
516
00:20:53,686 --> 00:20:54,986
Roy Ginger!
517
00:20:56,323 --> 00:20:59,593
Uh-- Uh, that's enough.
518
00:21:00,293 --> 00:21:01,293
Thank you.
519
00:21:01,394 --> 00:21:02,834
[MUSIC FADES]
520
00:21:06,198 --> 00:21:09,668
MAN:
Yes, yeah, I-- I do.
521
00:21:09,769 --> 00:21:12,539
All right, uh, first of all
I wanna thank you all.
522
00:21:12,639 --> 00:21:15,609
And, as you know,
there are three cover slots left
523
00:21:15,708 --> 00:21:16,408
for this year:
524
00:21:16,509 --> 00:21:17,779
October, November, December.
525
00:21:17,877 --> 00:21:22,717
Now, the winner
of the October cover
526
00:21:22,815 --> 00:21:25,315
is Don and Matt Allen.
527
00:21:25,418 --> 00:21:26,788
[APPLAUSE]
528
00:21:26,886 --> 00:21:27,816
Thank you.
529
00:21:27,920 --> 00:21:31,390
Of the November cover,
530
00:21:31,491 --> 00:21:34,491
is John and Peter Wriggly.
531
00:21:35,362 --> 00:21:36,332
[APPLAUSE]
532
00:21:36,429 --> 00:21:37,559
Thank you.
533
00:21:37,664 --> 00:21:39,434
JUDGE:
You're welcome. Congratulations.
534
00:21:39,532 --> 00:21:41,902
Now, the winner
of the big Christmas issue.
535
00:21:42,001 --> 00:21:45,541
The December slot
goes to the Jaggerdity's.
536
00:21:45,638 --> 00:21:47,868
Jeff and Jeff Junior.
Thank you.
537
00:21:47,974 --> 00:21:49,644
[APPLAUSE]
538
00:21:56,483 --> 00:22:00,553
There's always next year,
guys.
539
00:22:00,653 --> 00:22:03,093
You know what? I had a black son
until this asshole killed him.
540
00:22:03,189 --> 00:22:04,819
So fuck you guys.
541
00:22:08,160 --> 00:22:10,030
Sorry.
542
00:22:23,275 --> 00:22:24,705
Get out.
543
00:22:24,811 --> 00:22:26,511
What?
544
00:22:26,613 --> 00:22:28,683
Just get out
of the car please, okay?
545
00:22:28,781 --> 00:22:31,021
I don't want to see you again.
546
00:22:32,385 --> 00:22:33,415
Dad, why are you doing this?
547
00:22:33,520 --> 00:22:34,690
Jay, I'm not your dad,
okay?
548
00:22:34,787 --> 00:22:37,617
You're not my son.
You're worthless.
549
00:22:38,625 --> 00:22:40,555
Now get out.
Dad, please--
550
00:22:40,660 --> 00:22:44,060
Get the fuck out
of the car, Jay!
551
00:22:45,364 --> 00:22:48,404
[*]
552
00:23:01,280 --> 00:23:02,980
[CRYING]
553
00:23:11,357 --> 00:23:13,427
Dad.
554
00:23:14,894 --> 00:23:17,204
[HONKS HORN]
555
00:23:17,296 --> 00:23:18,196
Hey, what are you doing?
556
00:23:18,297 --> 00:23:19,367
You kicked me out.
557
00:23:19,466 --> 00:23:20,526
I was just kidding,
you dummy.
558
00:23:20,633 --> 00:23:23,373
Come on, get back in.
What? Dad.
559
00:23:23,470 --> 00:23:24,640
It's the oldest joke
in the book.
560
00:23:24,737 --> 00:23:26,637
Are you serious?
[LAUGHING] Yes. Get in.
561
00:23:28,140 --> 00:23:29,340
It's a goof.
You got me.
562
00:23:29,442 --> 00:23:30,682
Come on!
563
00:23:32,078 --> 00:23:33,178
All right, son.
Okay.
564
00:23:33,279 --> 00:23:35,409
I love you, son, okay?
565
00:23:35,515 --> 00:23:37,875
I love you, Dad.
566
00:23:37,984 --> 00:23:40,724
Oh, let's go get some
free pizza, okay?
567
00:23:40,820 --> 00:23:42,350
Okay.
568
00:23:42,455 --> 00:23:43,955
We'll get them next year.
569
00:23:44,056 --> 00:23:46,456
[*]
570
00:24:04,877 --> 00:24:08,177
I'm Mama Noodles,
you dipshit!
571
00:24:08,280 --> 00:24:10,180
Come get the pizza
with noodles on.
572
00:24:10,282 --> 00:24:12,022
Look at this spiced pie!
573
00:24:12,118 --> 00:24:16,388
You got noodles, egg rolls,
fortune cookies toppings.
574
00:24:16,489 --> 00:24:18,059
It's a Chinese pizza, dodo!
575
00:24:18,157 --> 00:24:19,927
Buy this fucking pie.
576
00:24:20,026 --> 00:24:20,926
Come on!
577
00:24:21,027 --> 00:24:22,387
Mama Noodles.
578
00:24:22,495 --> 00:24:25,255
We deliver.
579
00:24:25,364 --> 00:24:27,034
[*]
580
00:24:34,040 --> 00:24:36,780
[CLEARS THROAT]
581
00:24:36,876 --> 00:24:39,806
Wow, that was some
wild ride.
582
00:24:39,912 --> 00:24:41,282
I bet you're asking yourself,
583
00:24:41,380 --> 00:24:43,420
"What happened
to that last half-hour?"
584
00:24:43,516 --> 00:24:45,416
Well, it's gone,
and you can't have it back.
585
00:24:45,518 --> 00:24:47,948
In a way,
Funny or Die stole it,
586
00:24:48,054 --> 00:24:51,094
so you can just kiss
that half-hour goodbye.
587
00:24:51,190 --> 00:24:53,530
See you next time.
588
00:24:54,994 --> 00:24:56,734
[INAUDIBLE]
589
00:25:02,301 --> 00:25:04,701
[*]
590
00:25:07,339 --> 00:25:25,729
[*]
40061
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