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1
00:00:07,741 --> 00:00:10,811
[*]
2
00:00:10,911 --> 00:00:14,481
[SCREAMS]
3
00:00:14,582 --> 00:00:16,052
I'm not gonna have sex
with a woman
4
00:00:16,150 --> 00:00:17,320
with a baby in her vagina.
5
00:00:17,418 --> 00:00:19,518
Why do you think
this is so weird?
6
00:00:19,620 --> 00:00:21,820
What if your water broke
and it gets all over my wiener?
7
00:00:21,922 --> 00:00:23,822
Or that baby could grab
my dick.
8
00:00:23,924 --> 00:00:25,164
[BABBLES]
9
00:00:25,259 --> 00:00:27,059
Give me your best shot.
10
00:00:28,929 --> 00:00:31,469
[LAUGHS]
11
00:00:31,565 --> 00:00:35,165
I'll pull my '98 Chrysler
in the garage, shut the door,
12
00:00:35,269 --> 00:00:37,309
and let the tailpipe taint me,
13
00:00:37,405 --> 00:00:40,665
before I let you tell me
how to sell.
14
00:00:41,942 --> 00:00:44,352
[*]
15
00:00:57,558 --> 00:00:58,888
Oh, hello, there.
16
00:00:58,992 --> 00:01:01,862
I was just admiring
these breasts, here.
17
00:01:01,962 --> 00:01:04,062
Aren't they great?
I love breasts.
18
00:01:04,165 --> 00:01:06,495
I love squeezing them
19
00:01:06,600 --> 00:01:07,900
and looking at them
20
00:01:08,001 --> 00:01:09,071
and bobbling them around.
21
00:01:09,170 --> 00:01:10,940
It can be a lot of fun.
22
00:01:11,038 --> 00:01:13,408
I think it's a real shame
that a guy
23
00:01:13,507 --> 00:01:15,437
can't grab onto a pair of tits
whenever he sees 'em.
24
00:01:15,543 --> 00:01:17,853
But we live in an unfair world,
you know,
25
00:01:17,945 --> 00:01:20,505
the man always trying
to keep us down.
26
00:01:20,614 --> 00:01:23,384
Well, tonight,
Funny Or Die fights back.
27
00:01:23,484 --> 00:01:26,894
We grab at those boobs
and we don't let go,
28
00:01:26,987 --> 00:01:29,057
metaphorically speaking,
of course.
29
00:01:29,157 --> 00:01:30,817
You can't really grab boobs.
Breasts.
30
00:01:30,924 --> 00:01:33,334
Br-- Breasts?
31
00:01:33,427 --> 00:01:36,097
All right, pull it together,
Ed.
32
00:01:36,197 --> 00:01:37,727
Hey, I'll tell you
what you can do, though.
33
00:01:37,831 --> 00:01:40,771
You can slap together some
comedy bits and try and call it
34
00:01:40,868 --> 00:01:41,898
a half-hour network.
35
00:01:42,002 --> 00:01:44,772
Heh-heh-heh.
That's what we did.
36
00:01:44,872 --> 00:01:47,282
[*]
37
00:02:10,398 --> 00:02:12,728
ANNOUNCER:
Tonight,
on the Funny or Die Network,
38
00:02:12,833 --> 00:02:16,343
it's "Casual Sex,"
with Andrea Savage.
39
00:02:16,437 --> 00:02:19,207
A music video
from Mike O'Connell.
40
00:02:19,307 --> 00:02:21,607
"Sleeping with Celebrities."
41
00:02:21,709 --> 00:02:25,209
"The Amazing Adventures
of David & Jennie."
42
00:02:25,313 --> 00:02:27,683
A short film from Day By Day.
43
00:02:27,781 --> 00:02:32,221
Dave Koechner in
"Men of Unquiet Desperation."
44
00:02:32,320 --> 00:02:37,590
And "Space Baby."
45
00:02:37,691 --> 00:02:40,661
REBECCA:
Hey, I'm Rebecca.
I'm single, 5'6". Pisces.
46
00:02:40,761 --> 00:02:43,201
Oh, yeah,
and I'm eight months pregnant.
47
00:02:43,297 --> 00:02:45,067
So I've only got a couple weeks
48
00:02:45,165 --> 00:02:47,435
to do everything
I've never done.
49
00:02:47,535 --> 00:02:50,035
Some women travel,
or they find a new hobby
50
00:02:50,137 --> 00:02:51,637
like tying interesting knots.
51
00:02:51,739 --> 00:02:55,339
In my case?
I never had a wild phase.
52
00:02:55,443 --> 00:02:58,513
So I'm just gonna lay
a lot of dudes.
53
00:02:58,612 --> 00:03:01,982
Oh, I could go
for some barbeque.
54
00:03:02,082 --> 00:03:03,682
Hmm.
55
00:03:03,784 --> 00:03:08,224
So this is Mark. He is the
first dish in my sex buffet.
56
00:03:08,322 --> 00:03:10,362
Ooh, he is a dish.
Thanks eHarmony.
57
00:03:10,458 --> 00:03:14,328
Tonight, no fear.
I'm getting intercoursed.
58
00:03:14,428 --> 00:03:16,728
I will tell you that you look
better than your picture.
59
00:03:16,830 --> 00:03:18,370
That is my strategy.
60
00:03:18,466 --> 00:03:21,096
I take a picture with, like,
dirty hair and cross-eyed.
61
00:03:21,201 --> 00:03:22,341
You were cross-eyed.
I know.
62
00:03:22,436 --> 00:03:24,406
A little bit,
you were cross-eyed.
63
00:03:24,505 --> 00:03:25,835
Are you kidding? Me too.
64
00:03:25,939 --> 00:03:28,239
I always get Boyz II Men and
Bell Biv DeVoe confused.
65
00:03:28,342 --> 00:03:30,012
I have no idea.
66
00:03:30,110 --> 00:03:31,550
More like Cabo San Pukas.
67
00:03:31,645 --> 00:03:33,175
[LAUGHS]
68
00:03:33,281 --> 00:03:34,551
You get points for that.
69
00:03:34,648 --> 00:03:37,248
No one uses a pun
in a funny way,
70
00:03:37,351 --> 00:03:38,651
and that was actually funny.
71
00:03:38,752 --> 00:03:40,692
"I no longer wanna be
in this relationship."
72
00:03:40,788 --> 00:03:43,518
After four years?
Yeah, what do you say?
73
00:03:43,624 --> 00:03:46,964
I was like, "Well, then,
I don't either."
74
00:03:47,060 --> 00:03:49,260
Lie.
75
00:03:50,764 --> 00:03:54,744
Mark, um, okay,
I know I just met you.
76
00:03:54,835 --> 00:03:56,235
But...
Wait a second.
77
00:03:56,337 --> 00:03:59,937
I would like to
78
00:04:00,040 --> 00:04:01,540
have sex.
79
00:04:01,642 --> 00:04:02,382
What?
80
00:04:02,476 --> 00:04:04,646
With you tonight.
81
00:04:04,745 --> 00:04:07,315
Yeah, no, I-- This is great.
I just-- I didn't see it coming.
82
00:04:07,415 --> 00:04:09,275
Um...
Well, now, uh,
83
00:04:09,383 --> 00:04:12,823
I guess maybe you can
see it coming.
84
00:04:12,920 --> 00:04:14,120
Fuck, yes.
Really?
85
00:04:14,221 --> 00:04:15,591
Yeah, I would love to.
Absolutely.
86
00:04:15,689 --> 00:04:16,989
We can go to my house.
Yeah.
87
00:04:17,090 --> 00:04:19,460
I have a, um, Japanese
soaking tub that might be fun.
88
00:04:19,560 --> 00:04:21,360
I don't know what that is.
Well, it's fun.
89
00:04:21,462 --> 00:04:22,702
Great.
Let's check it out.
90
00:04:22,796 --> 00:04:24,496
Okay, I just have to pee.
Yeah.
91
00:04:24,598 --> 00:04:26,498
And I will be right back.
I will be right here.
92
00:04:26,600 --> 00:04:27,770
Okay.
93
00:04:27,868 --> 00:04:29,698
Oh, God.
94
00:04:33,040 --> 00:04:34,980
What the fuck was that?
95
00:04:35,075 --> 00:04:35,935
You ready to go?
96
00:04:36,043 --> 00:04:37,913
Uh, ahem,
97
00:04:38,011 --> 00:04:39,181
you're pregnant.
98
00:04:39,279 --> 00:04:41,209
Yeah, I know.
99
00:04:41,315 --> 00:04:43,515
Okay.
Um, I'm not gonna have sex
100
00:04:43,617 --> 00:04:46,387
with a woman with a baby
in her vagina. So...
101
00:04:46,487 --> 00:04:48,557
Uh, actually,
it's not in my vagina.
102
00:04:48,656 --> 00:04:50,616
It's in my uterus.
There's a mucous plug
103
00:04:50,724 --> 00:04:53,564
that keeps the areas
very separate. So it's fine.
104
00:04:53,661 --> 00:04:55,361
A mucous plug?
Did you hear that, penis?
105
00:04:55,463 --> 00:04:56,703
There's a mucous plug.
106
00:04:56,797 --> 00:04:58,427
Oh. yeah, I agree,
let's get out of here.
107
00:04:58,532 --> 00:05:00,332
What is--?
What is the problem?
108
00:05:00,434 --> 00:05:02,304
You--
You knew I was pregnant.
109
00:05:02,403 --> 00:05:04,643
No, I didn't. You said
that you were expecting.
110
00:05:04,738 --> 00:05:08,108
I thought you meant like
a package or a raise.
111
00:05:08,208 --> 00:05:09,678
You know,
there a lot of pros
112
00:05:09,777 --> 00:05:11,607
to the situation that you are
not considering.
Pros?
113
00:05:11,712 --> 00:05:14,782
Well, first of all, um,
hello? My boobs are huge.
114
00:05:14,882 --> 00:05:18,292
They are huge. But that's gross,
there's milk in there.
115
00:05:18,386 --> 00:05:20,546
Oh, okay.
Also, you know,
116
00:05:20,654 --> 00:05:22,964
you, news flash,
can't get pregnant twice.
117
00:05:23,056 --> 00:05:26,256
So assuming you're up-to-date
on your blood work,
118
00:05:26,360 --> 00:05:27,530
we don't even have to use
a condom.
119
00:05:27,628 --> 00:05:29,398
Which is always nice,
right?
120
00:05:29,497 --> 00:05:31,797
Why do you think
this is so weird?
121
00:05:31,899 --> 00:05:35,499
Okay, well, what if I dented
the baby's head?
122
00:05:35,603 --> 00:05:37,413
What if I was on top of you
and you went into labor?
123
00:05:37,505 --> 00:05:38,935
That's disgusting.
124
00:05:39,039 --> 00:05:41,609
What if your water broke
and it gets all over my wiener?
125
00:05:41,709 --> 00:05:44,579
Or that baby could grab my dick.
What if that happened?
126
00:05:44,678 --> 00:05:45,948
My penis will hit it
in the face.
127
00:05:46,046 --> 00:05:47,476
What?
Yeah.
128
00:05:47,581 --> 00:05:49,321
I guarantee your dick
is not that big.
129
00:05:49,417 --> 00:05:50,947
You don't fucking know.
Fine.
130
00:05:51,051 --> 00:05:52,221
Rebecca?
I'm a liar.
131
00:05:52,319 --> 00:05:55,819
I will not, and will never,
lay you.
132
00:05:55,923 --> 00:05:57,663
Deal with that.
133
00:05:57,758 --> 00:06:00,088
Well, the offer's
not on the table anymore.
134
00:06:00,193 --> 00:06:03,663
His loss. "Oh, I'm so sorry
I wanna have sex
135
00:06:03,764 --> 00:06:07,074
and you left me in a bar.
With a bunch of drunk dudes."
136
00:06:07,167 --> 00:06:10,637
Easy, cheesy, pretty pleasy.
137
00:06:10,738 --> 00:06:13,438
Um, is this, uh, seat taken?
138
00:06:13,541 --> 00:06:15,041
Oh, no, you wanna sit down,
ma'am?
139
00:06:15,142 --> 00:06:18,212
Do you need this area, you and
your baby need this area?
140
00:06:18,311 --> 00:06:20,911
Are you hitting on me?
141
00:06:21,014 --> 00:06:22,424
Oh, no, thanks.
142
00:06:22,516 --> 00:06:24,016
Not gonna do it, lady.
143
00:06:24,117 --> 00:06:26,747
I'm gay.
Ugh.
144
00:06:26,854 --> 00:06:27,894
How old are you?
145
00:06:27,988 --> 00:06:29,188
Oh, that's disgusting.
146
00:06:29,289 --> 00:06:30,019
There is no chance.
147
00:06:30,123 --> 00:06:31,463
[SPITS]
148
00:06:31,559 --> 00:06:32,889
I'm sorry, what did you say?
149
00:06:34,962 --> 00:06:37,102
All right, you know what?
Fuck this.
150
00:06:37,197 --> 00:06:41,167
You seem kind of crazy
and desperate.
Thank you.
151
00:06:41,268 --> 00:06:43,698
I'd love to take you home.
152
00:06:43,804 --> 00:06:47,484
Huh, she gets it. And that's
something else I've never done.
153
00:06:47,575 --> 00:06:49,975
All right, fuck it.
Let's do this.
154
00:06:50,077 --> 00:06:51,207
Great.
155
00:06:51,311 --> 00:06:52,611
I'm just gonna
let you know
156
00:06:52,713 --> 00:06:54,383
I'm not sure how good
I'm gonna be at this.
157
00:06:54,482 --> 00:06:56,522
Oh, you'll be fine,
I'll show you.
158
00:06:56,617 --> 00:06:58,347
Well, what exactly is it
that you do?
159
00:06:58,452 --> 00:07:00,422
That part I just
am never clear about.
160
00:07:00,521 --> 00:07:02,461
It's a lot easier
than you think.
161
00:07:02,556 --> 00:07:04,316
I've never really even
looked at my vagina,
162
00:07:04,424 --> 00:07:07,294
so it'll be weird to see yours.
We'll do it.
163
00:07:07,394 --> 00:07:09,804
[*]
164
00:07:12,132 --> 00:07:14,502
[DRUMROLL]
165
00:07:15,903 --> 00:07:17,473
GROUP:
Wow.
166
00:07:18,772 --> 00:07:20,772
[*]
167
00:07:31,184 --> 00:07:34,324
* I want an Asian baby
From Korea or Japan *
168
00:07:34,421 --> 00:07:37,961
* Vietnam, it doesn't matter
I just want it in my hands *
169
00:07:38,058 --> 00:07:42,958
* But no one will let me play
With their Asian baby *
170
00:07:45,132 --> 00:07:48,902
* Maybe it's my dodgy past
Maybe it's the way I dress *
171
00:07:49,002 --> 00:07:52,542
* But every time I approach
The parents get so upset *
172
00:07:52,640 --> 00:07:56,340
* And they won't let me play
With their baby *
173
00:07:56,443 --> 00:07:59,153
Do I have to steal one?
174
00:08:01,882 --> 00:08:03,682
* Well, they seem
To be always smiling *
175
00:08:03,784 --> 00:08:05,524
* And their skin
It seems so soft *
176
00:08:05,619 --> 00:08:07,019
* Want to look into their eyes
177
00:08:07,120 --> 00:08:08,960
* And get back all the hope
I lost *
178
00:08:09,056 --> 00:08:13,956
* But no one will let me play
With their Asian baby *
179
00:08:14,061 --> 00:08:15,901
Tell me this.
180
00:08:15,996 --> 00:08:21,226
* Why won't you let me play
With your Asian baby? *
181
00:08:22,936 --> 00:08:28,306
* Why won't you let me play
With your Asian baby? *
182
00:08:28,408 --> 00:08:31,648
* Soft little Asian baby
183
00:08:31,745 --> 00:08:35,315
* I want to play
With your baby *
184
00:08:35,415 --> 00:08:38,915
* I think you have
A special baby *
185
00:08:39,019 --> 00:08:42,659
* I want to play
With your baby *
186
00:08:42,756 --> 00:08:46,956
I have one more thing
to say.
187
00:08:47,060 --> 00:08:52,130
* I deserve an Asian baby
From Korea or Japan *
188
00:08:52,232 --> 00:08:55,842
* I swear I've been a good boy
Just put it in my hands *
189
00:08:55,936 --> 00:08:59,806
* But no one will let me play
With their Asian Baby *
190
00:08:59,907 --> 00:09:02,577
* Baby, baby
Shu-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh *
191
00:09:02,676 --> 00:09:05,776
* Asian baby, baby, baby
Shu-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh *
192
00:09:05,879 --> 00:09:09,349
* Asian baby, baby, baby
Shu-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh *
193
00:09:09,449 --> 00:09:16,319
* Asian baby, baby, baby
194
00:09:21,261 --> 00:09:23,661
[*]
195
00:09:29,136 --> 00:09:31,136
[*]
196
00:09:35,542 --> 00:09:37,442
ANNOUNCER:
197
00:09:37,544 --> 00:09:40,784
Tonight, Brooke Shields.
198
00:10:14,648 --> 00:10:17,318
ANNOUNCER:
199
00:10:17,417 --> 00:10:19,817
[*]
200
00:10:22,422 --> 00:10:25,092
[*]
201
00:10:29,562 --> 00:10:32,702
[*]
202
00:10:38,772 --> 00:10:40,672
Do you think Blake will like
his birthday card
203
00:10:40,774 --> 00:10:42,484
that I made for him?
Yeah, sure. Why not?
204
00:10:42,575 --> 00:10:44,635
Open it.
205
00:10:44,745 --> 00:10:47,675
JENNIE [OVER CARD]:
* I wanna get sexy with you
Between the sheets *
206
00:10:47,781 --> 00:10:49,951
You made this?
Yeah.
207
00:10:50,050 --> 00:10:53,550
What? You're gonna make me look
bad, I didn't get him anything.
208
00:10:53,653 --> 00:10:55,223
Why don't we just say
this is from both of us?
209
00:10:55,322 --> 00:10:57,492
No way. I don't want him
to think it's like a joke.
210
00:10:57,590 --> 00:10:59,230
'C I wanna hit it.
211
00:10:59,326 --> 00:11:02,396
Girl, you are gonna hit it.
212
00:11:02,495 --> 00:11:05,425
BOTH:
Let's get laid.
213
00:11:07,500 --> 00:11:09,200
Hey, everybody, let's party.
214
00:11:09,302 --> 00:11:12,542
Yeah, uh, let's party.
215
00:11:12,639 --> 00:11:14,269
Uh, you taste
like scrambled eggs.
216
00:11:14,374 --> 00:11:17,584
Hey. Do you watch Star Trek:
The Next Generation?
217
00:11:17,677 --> 00:11:20,407
No.
'C I can name
all the characters.
218
00:11:20,513 --> 00:11:23,523
Data, Jean-Luc Picard,
Geordi La Forge, Will Crusher,
219
00:11:23,616 --> 00:11:25,486
Beverly Crusher--
BLAKE: David.
220
00:11:25,585 --> 00:11:27,045
Jen.
221
00:11:27,154 --> 00:11:30,024
You guys mind joining me
in the closet?
222
00:11:30,123 --> 00:11:32,993
Happy birthday, Blake.
Shut up.
223
00:11:33,093 --> 00:11:35,663
Every year my grandmother
sends me homemade éclairs
224
00:11:35,763 --> 00:11:38,333
for my birthday. And
every year you ne'er-do-wells
225
00:11:38,431 --> 00:11:39,671
gobble them up like chowhounds.
226
00:11:39,767 --> 00:11:41,497
Can I have this sword?
Oh.
227
00:11:41,601 --> 00:11:42,701
Awesome.
Cool.
228
00:11:42,803 --> 00:11:45,613
Are you kidding me?
Not even.
229
00:11:45,705 --> 00:11:47,635
And if you touch anything
in my refrigerator,
230
00:11:47,741 --> 00:11:51,341
you guys are gonna get
your butts beat.
231
00:11:53,213 --> 00:11:56,483
No, he locked us in.
232
00:11:56,583 --> 00:11:58,093
Oh, wait, no, he didn't.
233
00:11:58,185 --> 00:11:59,785
[ALTERNATIVE MUSIC PLAYING]
234
00:11:59,887 --> 00:12:02,257
Hey, I heard that there's
éclairs in the refrigerator.
235
00:12:02,355 --> 00:12:03,485
Jennie, we are not--
236
00:12:03,590 --> 00:12:05,930
[BOTH MOANING]
237
00:12:07,795 --> 00:12:09,895
You're gonna beat our butts,
aren't you?
238
00:12:09,997 --> 00:12:13,127
No. You're gonna beat
each other's butts.
239
00:12:13,233 --> 00:12:15,243
[MUFFLED SCREAMS]
240
00:12:15,335 --> 00:12:16,995
ALL:
Fight. Fight. Fight. Fight...
241
00:12:17,104 --> 00:12:22,144
No. Me and Jennie are friends,
we're not gonna fight.
242
00:12:22,242 --> 00:12:24,882
I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry,
I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
243
00:12:24,978 --> 00:12:27,818
You wanna go?
Are we goin'? We goin'? Huh?
244
00:12:28,782 --> 00:12:29,982
[BOTH GRUNT]
245
00:12:30,083 --> 00:12:32,153
David, don't worry.
I've got a plan, okay?
246
00:12:32,252 --> 00:12:33,392
Okay, I trust you.
247
00:12:33,486 --> 00:12:35,386
[YELLS]
248
00:12:36,556 --> 00:12:38,686
[YELLING]
249
00:12:38,792 --> 00:12:40,892
Yah. All right.
Everybody back.
250
00:12:40,994 --> 00:12:43,404
I said, everybody back.
251
00:12:44,898 --> 00:12:47,428
David, go on, get out of here.
I got this one, okay?
252
00:12:47,534 --> 00:12:49,774
Yeah, okay.
David, go.
253
00:12:54,507 --> 00:12:56,037
[YELLS]
254
00:12:56,143 --> 00:12:57,783
[SHOUTS]
255
00:13:01,181 --> 00:13:05,351
Oh, and Blake? We'll be taking
the rest of those éclairs.
256
00:13:05,452 --> 00:13:08,562
Okay, I gotta go.
257
00:13:17,030 --> 00:13:18,770
Captain Picard?
258
00:13:18,866 --> 00:13:20,026
Yes, Data?
259
00:13:20,133 --> 00:13:21,673
You have something
on your face.
260
00:13:21,768 --> 00:13:22,938
Mm.
261
00:13:23,036 --> 00:13:26,266
Napkin, engage.
262
00:13:30,210 --> 00:13:32,210
[*]
263
00:13:37,317 --> 00:13:39,517
[*]
264
00:13:42,755 --> 00:13:44,955
[*]
265
00:13:48,428 --> 00:13:52,898
ANNOUNCER:
Great days start
with even better mornings.
266
00:13:54,567 --> 00:13:57,267
MAN:
* The day's looking good
Today *
267
00:13:57,370 --> 00:14:00,870
* But she needs something
To start it right *
268
00:14:00,974 --> 00:14:02,614
* You walk to the kitchen
269
00:14:02,709 --> 00:14:06,809
* To brew up a pot of that
Warm cup of sunshine *
270
00:14:06,914 --> 00:14:09,224
* You hear a knock
At your door *
271
00:14:09,316 --> 00:14:12,246
* "Who could it be this early?"
You say *
272
00:14:12,352 --> 00:14:15,722
* You look through
The peephole *
273
00:14:15,822 --> 00:14:18,432
* And see it's your best friend
Dave *
274
00:14:18,525 --> 00:14:21,825
* He's been up all night
Drinking *
275
00:14:21,929 --> 00:14:24,829
* And he still wants to rage
276
00:14:24,932 --> 00:14:26,902
* You offer him some coffee
277
00:14:27,000 --> 00:14:30,470
* But he says
"No fuckin' way" *
278
00:14:34,141 --> 00:14:36,941
* He needs to borrow your car
279
00:14:37,044 --> 00:14:39,654
* For some reason
You let him drive *
280
00:14:39,746 --> 00:14:42,646
* You're in a bad
Neighborhood *
281
00:14:42,749 --> 00:14:45,319
* Dave's planned
A fun surprise *
282
00:14:45,418 --> 00:14:48,588
* But he needs to borrow
Money too *
283
00:14:48,688 --> 00:14:51,718
* He says he'll pay you back
* Pay you back
284
00:14:51,824 --> 00:14:54,264
* You tell him "No worries"
285
00:14:54,361 --> 00:14:57,461
* But you know he'll never
Pay you back, no, no *
286
00:14:57,564 --> 00:15:00,804
* His drug dealer didn't have
What he wanted *
287
00:15:00,900 --> 00:15:03,670
* So instead Dave bought
Some crack *
288
00:15:03,770 --> 00:15:06,070
* You don't wanna smoke it
289
00:15:06,173 --> 00:15:09,213
* But the song says
You smoked the crack *
290
00:15:09,309 --> 00:15:12,379
* You really like the high
But Dave's not impressed *
291
00:15:12,479 --> 00:15:15,479
* You wanna smoke more
But Dave needs some rest *
292
00:15:15,582 --> 00:15:17,652
* "No, fuck that
Give me your watch" *
293
00:15:17,750 --> 00:15:19,450
* "I can get money for that"
* "It was my grandpa's"
294
00:15:19,552 --> 00:15:24,192
* "I'm gonna sell it
For crack" *
295
00:15:27,860 --> 00:15:30,000
* You run into an alley
296
00:15:30,097 --> 00:15:33,567
* And buy more crack
From a guy with one eye *
297
00:15:33,666 --> 00:15:37,036
* You no longer wish
To have friends *
298
00:15:37,137 --> 00:15:40,307
* All that matters
Is getting high *
299
00:15:40,407 --> 00:15:41,607
* High
300
00:15:41,708 --> 00:15:43,038
* High!
301
00:15:43,143 --> 00:15:45,183
* Now it's one year later
302
00:15:45,278 --> 00:15:48,018
* And you've completely
Gone insane *
303
00:15:48,115 --> 00:15:51,845
* Blowing dogs for money
For crack *
304
00:15:51,951 --> 00:15:53,821
* You don't even
Know your name *
305
00:15:53,920 --> 00:15:57,820
* You'd do anything for a fix
The itch won't go away *
306
00:15:57,924 --> 00:16:01,364
* You need something strong
Gets you through the day *
307
00:16:01,461 --> 00:16:03,101
* Rise and shine
In the morning time *
308
00:16:03,196 --> 00:16:06,596
* With a warm cup
Of sunshine *
309
00:16:06,699 --> 00:16:09,839
ANNOUNCER:
Great days start
with even better mornings.
310
00:16:09,936 --> 00:16:12,336
[*]
311
00:16:17,977 --> 00:16:20,177
[*]
312
00:16:24,817 --> 00:16:27,017
[*]
313
00:16:34,361 --> 00:16:36,561
[*]
314
00:16:44,271 --> 00:16:45,841
Of course, I'm late.
315
00:16:45,938 --> 00:16:49,878
I mean,
the guy's directions were--
316
00:16:49,976 --> 00:16:51,406
Ahem. All right, uh, son,
317
00:16:51,511 --> 00:16:53,151
I have to go
do this appointment.
318
00:16:53,246 --> 00:16:55,346
You wanna wait in the car
or you wanna come with me?
319
00:16:55,448 --> 00:16:56,678
I don't care.
320
00:16:56,783 --> 00:17:00,223
Well, have an opinion, son.
321
00:17:00,320 --> 00:17:03,760
Y-y-y-- Don't trust a man
without an opinion.
322
00:17:06,059 --> 00:17:07,629
Okay.
All right, let's go.
323
00:17:09,596 --> 00:17:11,296
Come on, come on.
324
00:17:11,398 --> 00:17:14,468
Oh, there he is.
Mr. Stern? Hey.
325
00:17:14,567 --> 00:17:16,897
Uh, Jerry Prastis.
326
00:17:17,003 --> 00:17:19,473
Morgan Music Supply.
Sorry I'm late.
327
00:17:19,572 --> 00:17:21,742
It's quite all right,
I was just grading some papers.
328
00:17:21,841 --> 00:17:24,441
It's not all right. If you're
late, you're in denial.
329
00:17:24,544 --> 00:17:26,154
Okay.
330
00:17:26,246 --> 00:17:28,446
Is this your son?
331
00:17:28,548 --> 00:17:31,018
Yeah, I'm, uh-- I'm out here
homeschooling him
332
00:17:31,118 --> 00:17:32,518
between sales calls.
333
00:17:32,619 --> 00:17:37,059
See, uh, his mother and I
are having marital problems.
334
00:17:37,157 --> 00:17:38,957
Show of hands.
335
00:17:39,058 --> 00:17:41,658
Uh, I'm not married.
336
00:17:41,761 --> 00:17:44,201
So your music department
needs a new piano.
337
00:17:44,297 --> 00:17:45,697
Let me tell you something,
338
00:17:45,798 --> 00:17:49,868
Morgan Music Supply has been
in business for 37 years.
339
00:17:49,969 --> 00:17:51,869
And we're not gonna
take a shit
340
00:17:51,971 --> 00:17:54,071
just because the rest
of the country is.
341
00:17:54,174 --> 00:17:55,114
We're gonna be here.
342
00:17:55,208 --> 00:17:56,778
Good to know.
343
00:17:56,876 --> 00:17:58,776
So that's a yes?
344
00:17:58,878 --> 00:18:01,608
Well, heh,
let's see what you have.
345
00:18:01,714 --> 00:18:03,224
Let's get to yes.
346
00:18:03,316 --> 00:18:05,116
Okay, but do you have
a brochure?
347
00:18:05,218 --> 00:18:09,218
[SHUSHING]
348
00:18:09,322 --> 00:18:12,532
Let-- Let's listen
to the sales pitch. All right?
349
00:18:12,625 --> 00:18:15,425
While you natter on about
"Let me, let me see, see."
350
00:18:15,528 --> 00:18:18,468
You know, let's have a rapport,
a relationship.
351
00:18:18,565 --> 00:18:21,465
[CHUCKLES]
352
00:18:21,568 --> 00:18:22,568
You like humor?
353
00:18:22,669 --> 00:18:24,069
Sure.
354
00:18:24,171 --> 00:18:26,171
All right, uh, why don't you
pick an ethnic group?
355
00:18:26,273 --> 00:18:27,443
No, no, uh-uh.
356
00:18:27,540 --> 00:18:30,010
You don't know where it's going.
I do.
357
00:18:30,109 --> 00:18:31,679
Aw, screw it.
Mr. Prastis.
358
00:18:31,778 --> 00:18:33,748
Jerry.
Okay, Jerry.
359
00:18:33,846 --> 00:18:35,146
Uh, yeah.
360
00:18:35,248 --> 00:18:38,648
We had a Boston Upright piano,
but it was vandalized.
361
00:18:38,751 --> 00:18:41,351
Now, tonally speaking,
362
00:18:41,454 --> 00:18:45,124
do you prefer the Boston Upright
or an Essex?
363
00:18:45,225 --> 00:18:47,055
You wanna talk price?
364
00:18:47,160 --> 00:18:49,030
No, I-- Tonally.
365
00:18:49,128 --> 00:18:52,698
You know, the tone.
366
00:18:52,799 --> 00:18:54,129
What it sounds like.
367
00:18:54,234 --> 00:18:56,744
Ahem. Well, I'm gonna
be straight with you, Karl.
368
00:18:56,836 --> 00:18:59,406
Okay.
I don't know.
369
00:18:59,506 --> 00:19:02,636
You-- You just said that you've
been working for Morgan Music
370
00:19:02,742 --> 00:19:04,182
for 37 years.
371
00:19:04,277 --> 00:19:06,447
I said they've been in business
for 37 years.
372
00:19:06,546 --> 00:19:08,246
I've been with the company
for a week.
373
00:19:08,348 --> 00:19:12,488
But I don't care what it is,
I can GD sell the GD thing.
374
00:19:12,585 --> 00:19:15,315
Okay, okay, just please stop
raising your voice.
375
00:19:15,422 --> 00:19:17,022
Don't you tell me how to do it!
376
00:19:17,123 --> 00:19:21,593
I'll pull my '98 Chrysler
in the garage, shut the door,
377
00:19:21,694 --> 00:19:25,474
and let the tailpipe taint me
before I let you tell me
378
00:19:25,565 --> 00:19:27,425
how to sell!
379
00:19:27,534 --> 00:19:31,244
Arthur Miller wrote comedies
as far as I'm concerned.
380
00:19:31,338 --> 00:19:34,138
Ah. Let's go, Charlie.
381
00:19:34,241 --> 00:19:36,681
[GRUNTS, WHISTLES]
382
00:19:36,776 --> 00:19:37,736
[YELLS]
383
00:19:37,844 --> 00:19:39,854
[*]
384
00:19:50,957 --> 00:19:52,787
Complete waste of time.
385
00:19:52,892 --> 00:19:55,802
I mean, he called me.
386
00:19:58,365 --> 00:20:00,495
I love your mother.
387
00:20:01,033 --> 00:20:02,673
I know.
388
00:20:07,874 --> 00:20:09,184
[SIGHS]
389
00:20:09,276 --> 00:20:11,836
We'll get 'em, son,
d you worry.
390
00:20:16,148 --> 00:20:18,548
[*]
391
00:20:23,256 --> 00:20:25,656
[*]
392
00:20:31,431 --> 00:20:34,801
MAN:
* Space baby
393
00:20:34,901 --> 00:20:37,841
NARRATOR:
All we know about Space Baby
is that she's from Earth.
394
00:20:37,937 --> 00:20:40,567
And she travels the galaxies
looking for a one-eyed man
395
00:20:40,673 --> 00:20:42,413
who has a briefcase
handcuffed to his arm.
396
00:20:42,509 --> 00:20:44,609
And as she travels
from planet to planet,
397
00:20:44,711 --> 00:20:47,051
she rights wrongs
and helps the oppressed.
398
00:20:47,146 --> 00:20:51,246
* So if you're in
A black hole *
399
00:20:51,351 --> 00:20:53,991
* There's only one name
You need to know *
400
00:20:54,086 --> 00:20:56,616
* Space Baby
401
00:20:56,723 --> 00:20:59,693
MAN [OVER RADIO]:
Space Baby.
We've received reports
402
00:20:59,792 --> 00:21:02,562
that the one-eyed man
was seen near Bear Planet.
403
00:21:02,662 --> 00:21:04,402
[BABBLING]
404
00:21:04,497 --> 00:21:06,997
Be careful, we don't know
what's on Bear Planet.
405
00:21:07,099 --> 00:21:10,039
[GURGLING]
406
00:21:10,136 --> 00:21:12,196
I know there's bears
on Bear Planet.
407
00:21:12,305 --> 00:21:14,935
I meant, we don't know
if they're friendly or not.
408
00:21:15,041 --> 00:21:17,941
[GURGLING]
409
00:21:18,044 --> 00:21:20,414
What happened?
She disappeared off the screen.
410
00:21:20,513 --> 00:21:23,823
She's just a baby, and I was
giving her a hard time.
411
00:21:23,916 --> 00:21:27,286
If something happens to her,
I'll never forgive myself.
412
00:21:28,220 --> 00:21:29,620
What are you doing here?
413
00:21:29,722 --> 00:21:31,392
[GURGLING]
414
00:21:31,491 --> 00:21:33,561
You are trespassing
on Bear Planet,
415
00:21:33,660 --> 00:21:35,660
and for that you will die.
416
00:21:35,762 --> 00:21:38,572
[GURGLING]
417
00:21:38,665 --> 00:21:41,865
You don't want to hurt me?
You make me laugh, puny baby.
418
00:21:41,968 --> 00:21:43,368
Give me your best shot.
419
00:21:45,738 --> 00:21:47,838
[LAUGHING]
420
00:21:52,812 --> 00:21:54,512
Huh? Argh!
421
00:21:59,018 --> 00:22:01,718
Sir, I've picked up Space Baby's
signal again.
422
00:22:03,590 --> 00:22:05,930
Space Baby, are you okay?
423
00:22:06,025 --> 00:22:08,595
[GURGLING]
424
00:22:08,695 --> 00:22:13,625
Ha. You're right, that bear
did fuck with the wrong baby.
425
00:22:13,733 --> 00:22:15,173
[LAUGHTER]
426
00:22:15,267 --> 00:22:18,297
NARRATOR:
This has been another episode
of Space Baby.
427
00:22:18,405 --> 00:22:20,735
NARRATOR:
428
00:22:20,840 --> 00:22:25,750
Terminate, terminate
with extreme prejudice.
429
00:22:26,846 --> 00:22:28,976
Here comes Space Baby.
Shoot her.
430
00:22:31,618 --> 00:22:33,588
Where did she go?
She's right there.
431
00:22:33,686 --> 00:22:35,686
Where?
It's the baby in the sky.
432
00:22:35,788 --> 00:22:37,518
Shoot it.
433
00:22:37,624 --> 00:22:39,894
MAN:
I have given her picture
to all the guards.
434
00:22:41,761 --> 00:22:44,801
Let that baldheaded faggot
have it.
435
00:22:44,897 --> 00:22:49,167
NARRATOR:
That's next week,
on Space Baby.
436
00:22:49,268 --> 00:22:51,668
[*]
437
00:23:00,680 --> 00:23:03,220
I sure hoped you enjoyed
tonight's fiasco.
438
00:23:03,315 --> 00:23:07,485
On behalf of Miss Loganthorpe
and myself, I say good night.
439
00:23:07,587 --> 00:23:11,787
And I'll see you
at the pawn shop.
440
00:23:17,029 --> 00:23:19,429
[*]
441
00:23:23,069 --> 00:23:41,419
[*]
31532
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