Original subtitles

Previously on "I'm Dying Up Here"...

Tourists?

Comics. From Boston.

What do you think of the place?

We'll take it.

And listen, this is the closet to my room out here.

So, if I'm in there with Maggie...

- Who's Maggie? - She's my girl.

By the way, hands off.

Took my kids to the circus, the Mexican circus.

You know who Edmund Hillary is?

He risked everything to reach the summit,

and when he finally stood on top of the world,

do you know how long it was for?

Fifteen minutes.

Guys, I'm trying to hear Clay.

- Come on over. - He got the couch.

I'm jealous. Every Merv, Johnny,

or Dinah fucking Shore appearance

another comic makes is one more that we didn't get.

That's a motherfucking

2:30 in the morning pancake speech right there.

Fuck you, and fuck you.

Without you even realizing it,

life just bends you over and tucks it straight up your ass.

Johnny feels bad, but I just think we need

to book some more established comics for a little while,

see how it all shakes out.

I been doing open mic for over a fucking year now.

You want Carson? You got to mingle for Christ's sake.

I said I know who you are.

Why don't you quit while you're ahead, huh?

Think I should try to book a church?

Fuck, no. We're in one.

♪ Jazz music ♪

♪

Are you having a good time, ma'am?

Really? All right.

Tell your face.

Guys, Vietnam's coming to an end.

That means what?

Comedians are coming home...

from Canada.

I used to do a lot of handyman work,

growing up.

Mostly because my dad was in the business...

of breaking shit.

Well, what are you doing in here?

That hooker in the trunk ain't gonna bury herself.

All right, thank you, folks.

You've been a...

slightly above average crowd.

♪ Donny Hathaway's "Voices Inside" plays ♪

♪

This room is toast.

♪ Let's get down now ♪

♪ I hear voices ♪

Yeah.

♪ I see people ♪

♪ I hear voices ♪

♪ Of many people ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ I see people... ♪

Ooh.

My fellow Americans,

let's make one thing perfectly clear.

His sister was so ugly

people went out on Halloween,

dressed as her.

That was Nixon insulting my sister.

♪ Oh, yeah... ♪

Hey. You cutting it close.

- I'm sorry. I'm sorry. - Come on.

♪ I see people ♪

♪ I hear voices... ♪

Anybody here like magic?

Oh... oh, my time's up.

♪ I hear voices ♪

Thank you, Mr. President.

Come on.

All right, coming to the stage next,

a regular here at the open mic,

give it up for Mr. Adam Proteau.

- Twinkle. - Mm.

Whoo!

Yes, that's right, I am a professional amateur.

I used to do a lot of handyman work growing up,

mostly because my dad was in the business...

of breaking shit.

"What the hell's wrong with this toaster?"

Well, Dad, did you try to plug it in

before you threw it against the wall?

It's just a question. It's just a...

Where the fuck did you get another toaster?

Like, my dad used to break everything,

not just normal stuff, everything...

Appliances,

TVs,

laws.

But it's okay, you know,

'cause now I know how to fix everything.

How to fix a door that's been kicked in.

I can plaster up a hole that's been punched into a wall.

Fix a pane of glass that my head

may or may not have been pushed through.

One thing I can't fix

is the relationship with my dad.

Hey! How about a shine, my brotha?

"How about a shine"?

Okay, are we talking about your shoes or your dick, sir?

Your mama took care of my dick.

I gave her 50 cents.

Well, seeing as how she only charges 25 cents an inch,

I wouldn't scream out that dumb shit too proudly, you know?

Now, if your mama sucked my dick

for 25 cent an inch, she'd have enough money

to send your ass to Yale, Harvard,

and Shut The Fuck Up School,

which is on the corner of I Need To Be Noticed

and My Date Thinks I'm An Asshole.

Fucking dick.

Hey, you can't let 'em get to you.

This is seven-card stud.

Low spade in the hole splits the pot.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Shit, and shit!

Jesus, is this a game of chance or no chance?

Don't let the sun catch you crying, baby.

Mm-hmm.

So I heard Johnny had Rickles on the other night.

That's fresh.

Oh, Christ, don't get her riled.

Get me riled? What? I love Don.

Yeah, doesn't exactly sound like all the calls

I've been getting from you lately.

You say don't get her started, then you get her started.

Come on, R-Rickles, Hackett,

Professor Irwin Corey, I love 'em.

But you can't get any more "dog bites man" than that.

I told you. We're bringing the kids back.

Oh, papers cleared Clay over a month ago.

Be nice if you guys could keep up with yesterday's news.

We just need to leave the window open a little longer.

Send 'em our way.

We love the kids at Midnight Special.

I tried calling your producer... Butterman.

Yeah, said he can't be reached.

He's fly-fishing, for two months.

We're fly-fishing now?

I think it's a euphemism for invading Syria.

Thank you for making the world right side up again.

Whatever it's a euphemism for,

I'm having lunch with him tomorrow at noon.

Expect a call around one.

Well...

just for that, Bob, I'm gonna tell you...

Mitch here has a pair of aces.

You're a real asshole, Goldie.

What, it's my fault you got the wingspan of a condor?

Hold your cards closer to your vest next time, huh?

What's up, my man?

Mm.

No, I wouldn't want your job,

not for all the bananas in China.

My girlfriend dragged me here.

Some douchebag at her office thinks he's Rich Little.

Got to cut these guys some slack, man.

It's open mic, all newbies.

No shit?

Good thing I'm here.

Liven this motherfucker up.

It's hard.

You know, comedy's all about timing,

which takes a while to learn.

Bullshit.

You're either funny,

or you're not.

Now, Bill Cosby...

he's a funny spook.

Yeah.

But that spook got funny

by learning timing.

Know your audience!

Know when to wait for a laugh.

Timing is motherfucking everything!

Now, see?

Half hour ago, this wouldn't have been funny to me.

But now it's motherfucking hysterical.

Hey, floor's wet.

Hey. You want to buy some weed?

Tweety?

♪ Rock music ♪

All right, let me hear it.

Hear what?

You only smile like that

over brownies, blow jobs, or a new bit.

And since we're all out of brownies and blow jobs...

Why are we always running out of blow jobs?

Why can't we run out of Wheat Thins or yogurt?

It's always stuff that I like.

Joke, please.

You know that Picasso just died, right?

Good.

What do you got against Picasso?

Four of the women he was with...

Two committed suicide,

and two he drove insane.

So you're saying the guy has a type.

Can I continue?

So I'm reading Pablo's obit.

You know, the guy's a famous artist.

He's got nothing to prove,

except, apparently, how much pussy he got.

Listen to this.

"Picasso, 91, died in a villa in France

and leaves behind a wife almost half his age."

Okay, you've got my attention.

"In addition to his wife, he leaves four children...

One son born to his first wife,

the dancer Olga Khokhlova."

Not just a dancer, the dancer.

Right?

"And daughter born to his mistress,

Marie-Thérèse Walter."

Since when have mistresses been put in obits?

"And another son and daughter both the children

of Françoise Gilot, another mistress,"

for those of you keeping score at home,

"who is now the wife of biologist Dr. Jonas Salk."

Fuck you, Jonas Salk.

You cured polio? I fucked your wife.

That's not an obit.

That's a press release for his dick.

♪ Baby... ♪

♪

It's nice having a comedian as a girlfriend.

♪

♪

You've never called me that before.

♪

Is that what this is?

I mean, "two people who fuck intermittently"

just sounds so long.

Plus, we've been dating for four months.

Oh, "dating," wow.

Well, you're just giving away labels today.

Ladies and gentlemen,

the downside of having a comedian as a girlfriend.

♪

Hey!

Hey!

Jesus fucking Christ!

♪ Jazz music ♪

Come on!

♪

Hey, hey!

This is my laundry.

Asshole! Men's clothes!

So, unless there's a Mr. Prostitute,

you can go fuck...

For fuck's sake.

Give me the fucking bag back.

All right, all right. Help! Help!

She's got a fucking knife!

She's got a fucking knife! Fuck!

Fuck!

F... all right, just take it! Fucking take it!

♪

Shit.

Oh, you motherfucker.

Hey, big guy, get her!

Hey! Come on!

♪

Why are these wet?

I didn't have enough quarters.

What'd you get us for lunch?

Space food sticks?

The clerk was watching me like a hawk.

Was it retarded Ringo Starr?

No, it was the Asian guy with the mustache

that looks like a 12-year-old's pussy.

We're lucky I got these.

Hey, in zero gravity,

would this or would this not look like a floating turd?

Really?

You're gonna ruin my appetite for the only food we have?

Hey, I know what will cheer you up.

We got 34 bucks, and rent's due next week.

Fuck!

My parents are gonna be so pissed if I ask for more money.

Well, if your mom had blown your dad

instead of fucking him the night you were conceived,

they wouldn't be in this mess,

so maybe look in the mirror, Mr. and Mrs. Zeidel.

Mm, can you please not talk about my mother giving head?

Yeah, but you just made it the elephant in the room.

You should be cleaning the toilets, Edgar.

Since when did Midnight Special start doing showcases?

Since I got a producer to come and see

if one of you assholes is ready for national television.

Kay, no food in the audience during the showcase, huh?

How drunk do you want 'em?

I want them focused on the comics,

not whether or not their cheese sticks are hot enough.

What the fuck?

This is it? These are the times?

Is there a problem?

Yeah, why you got me going first?

I got to compete with the drink orders.

I'd rather open than close.

You're not closing, you're headlining.

Okay, that load of crap. Let's call it what it is.

I'm going last... I'm like the guy sweeping up

after the elephant at the end of the parade.

No, Gabe's going after Ralph.

He's sweeping up after the elephant.

Uh, Goldie,

Uh-huh?

Why am I, uh, not on the list?

Sully, I need you to emcee.

No, what? No. Come on, that's total bullshit.

You know I'm just as good as these guys.

We've talked about this.

You don't have a tight 15 yet.

You're mostly crowd work.

Uh, I can do a tight 15.

I said "yet." I know you can, and you will, just not now.

- Are we done here? - Uh, just one question.

Do Gabe and I have to blow Bill, too,

or just set the stage for him?

Your meaning?

Meaning, we warm him up,

and Bill here reaps all the benefits.

I don't have the best spot. Gabe does.

- No, I don't. - Yeah, you do.

I got spot where everybody goes to the bathroom

because they don't got food with their drinks.

Hey, Gabe, that is not how a bladder functions.

Shut up, Edgar.

I'm Jewish, you're Mexican,

which automatically makes me closer

to being a doctor than you.

But if it's any consolation, I will defer to you

with any questions about selling bags of oranges by the highway.

Listen to you guys.

You sound like a bunch of hens. Shut the fuck up!

If you don't like where you're placed,

you know that Argus or Mule Deer

would be happy to take any one of those spots.

We're just saying, shouldn't it be some sort of pecking order

based off time put in at the club?

Oh, there is a pecking order.

It goes me, you.

You got your lineup, ladies. Out.

That's some bullshit.

Stop saying "we're just saying," when it's you just saying shit.

Oh, like you like this lineup?

Now, either all these guys have the same handwriting,

or somebody signing their friends up for open mic.

Wish I could find that guy and tell him to sign me the fuck up.

I was the exact same way.

I was on that list every week

and now look at me.

I got the main room whenever I want it.

As long as it's ten minutes before closing.

Yeah.

Goldie wants to see you in her office.

Wait, Goldie wants to see me? Why?

She said something about liking your shoes.

My shoes?

Wait. Really?

Just go see her.

Well, I feel like I'm going to the principal's office

or some shit now.

Wish I had an apple to give her.

Goldie doesn't get apples. She gives them.

Ooh, like Eve. Got it.

Or the witch in Snow White.

Pick your poison.

Yep?

Hey, you wanted to see me?

Oh, hey, come in.

Caught your act the other night.

Yeah?

Funny.

Thank you. I mean, it was a rough night, but I thought...

That handyman bit... is it true?

Yeah.

I mean, I think all the best comedy

comes from a core of reality...

That's great. I have some work for you

at the the house if you're interested.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, of... of course.

Great.

Monday morning, bright and early.

Arnie'll give you the address.

All right.

♪ Pensive music ♪

♪

So we need jobs

if we're gonna keep enjoying this extravagant lifestyle

of living in a closet and eating stolen snack food.

Do you... do you know of anything

or maybe something at your work or...?

Mm...

not really.

No.

Mm, I can keep my ears open, though.

Where you...

Where do you work, again, exactly...

that I would like to work also?

Stefan Hatos-Monty Hall Productions...

The people who do Let's Make a Deal.

I'm an usher currently,

but I'm hoping to one day be a presenter.

And what would that entail?

So say that Monty is telling a contestant

that they won a refrigerator.

When Jay is giving all the details,

Carol Merrill, who is the nicest person in real life,

she presents the item, like so...

What do you think?

I think...

I think you got to raise your arms up higher,

because the freezer...

that's what people really care about.

So like...?

Perfect.

♪ Lively funk music ♪

♪

Bill, what material you doing tonight?

Why don't you watch me and see?

I just think it sucks you can't do your A stuff.

The abortion bit kills,

but, you know, TV, right?

Not that I don't like your family stuff, it's good.

It's a solid B.

♪

Sully, is that what they're wearing on the bench?

Jesus.

♪

Gabe... let's go get stoned.

Why the fuck would I want to get stoned

- before I go up? - Whoa!

No need to take my head off.

I just know you're under a lot of pressure,

and I want to help you out.

You know your shit does not play well when you're like this.

One fucking word, Edgar,

and you'll be sipping your next burrito through a straw.

So Goldie wanted you to come up to her house

so you could do some handyman work?

And I'm up here thinking she gonna

give me The Cellar or some shit.

- Right. - Nope.

Coo-coo-catchoo, Mrs. Jackie Robinson.

Okay, it's not like that. Is it?

Well, maybe it's like an audition.

For your cock.

No, she already said you were funny, right?

Now she's trying to see how funny.

She's all buddy-buddy with these shitheads.

And maybe that's how she does it.

- Go wow her. - Mm.

With your cock.

What the fuck?

Were you including me

when you were talking about those shitheads?

Because, frankly, I would love to be promoted

from peon to shithead.

Well, you know Goldie and I are on a first-name basis now.

Yeah.

Of course, she thinks that name is "Freddie."

Wait. Your name isn't Freddie?

Not to interrupt your mutual attempts at banter,

but there appears to be a shithead in distress

waving you over as we speak.

Excuse me.

Hey.

Hi.

I'm going with the Picasso bit.

What? Why?

Because Edgar said my family shit is lame,

and he's right... it is lame.

And the Picasso bit is raw, but that doesn't even matter.

- Okay, stop... - No, listen...

- No. Stop. - Listen...

You know the only word I heard you say was "Edgar."

You know Edgar.

He makes his living messing with people's minds.

The Picasso bit is gonna be great,

but it's a work in progress,

and you always kill with your family stuff.

And you're gonna kill it tonight.

Fucking Edgar.

You're right.

It's nice having a girlfriend who's a comedian.

Hey, fuck off. Have a good set.

I can't get used to the size of things out here.

I went to this Beverly Hills public pool.

Big pool, not crowded...

also, not public.

Turns out I was in someone else's backyard.

They had me arrested for trespassing.

But where I'm from, if you got a yard that big,

you already in jail.

You know, I admire the Civil Rights movement.

I don't know how they did it.

You know, could you imagine Jews rioting?

Oh, all that fire, the heat.

Ugh.

Throw a couple German Shepherds in there,

not exactly a breed we gravitate to.

Ugh, but protesting on the other hand.

Protesting is something Jews might actually excel at,

because protesting...

Basically organized complaining.

You know? What do we want?

Freedom. When do we want it?

I don't know. I'm just worried.

I'm not married.

I don't like the idea of marriage, you know?

I find the anniversary gifts a real turnoff.

First year, paper. Second year, cotton.

Third year, leather.

Sounds like a suicide kit.

Paper to write the suicide note with.

"Thanks for the cotton last year, honey,

and this year for the belt to hang myself with."

I think we need to update this list, right?

First year, peace. Second year, quiet.

Third year, fix me up with your sister.

Don't fuck me on this intro. Just keep it short and sweet.

"Very funny man, Edgar Martinez."

Yeah, I'm not really big on lying to the public.

Okay, just do what I ask, and I'll do you the favor

of swatting away all the pigs that fly out of Goldie's ass

- when you get your big break. - That's my time.

- Thank you guys so much. - Douche.

Bill Hobbs, ladies and gentlemen, Bill Hobbs!

Are you guys having a good time tonight, huh?

Whoo!

Good, good, good, good!

I know this guy is, 'cause, wow, look at his date.

She is gorgeous. And he is not.

Whoo-ah! God, the power of Christ compels you.

Don't look straight into his eyes.

When I look at this couple, I-I feel that

a short straw somehow played a role in this.

Did you lose a bet?

Are you... are you... Is there a gun under the table?

Guys, don't feel bad for her. She charges by the pound.

She's doing great.

Is this your daughter, or... or are you just rich?

- Both. - Both! Nice!

Well, a follow-up question... Are you single?

Because I'm looking for a sugar daddy-in-law.

Yeah? She's not answering. She'll tell me later.

All right, guys, let's move on.

We have got a guy coming up.

He is Mexican. That's his act. Good night.

No, I'm kidding, kidding.

Seriously, uh, this guy is great.

If life is a potluck, he only brought the guacamole.

He's straight out of the mean streets of Brentwood,

here to tell you how Mexicans are different, Edgar Martinez!

- You are a dead man. - Blow me.

Hey.

We are.

We are... We are different, right?

For example, when Mexicans go to the store,

we bring the whole family.

Uh...

We want to br... buy some cottage cheese,

we put it up to a vote.

And everybody can only get one thing,

'cause we don't have much room in the car.

Right, everybody's holding one grape.

Then we got to go back,

get some more stuff.

You don't do crowd work during a showcase.

Hey, hey, hey!

Unwritten rule number seven, written right here!

I got laughs! You didn't!

I should have had your fucking spot, man!

Yeah? Fucking insulting the comic

you're bringing up, you motherfucker!

Is this still a fight?

It's starting to look like how babies are made.

Yeah, this was my shot.

You never had a shot, Edgar! Ha ha!

Because you fucked it up!

Get the fuck off of him!

What the...

What the hell was that out there?

I was just amping 'em up.

More like fucking him up.

Thank you, Goldie.

D...

Bill, Monday morning,

Ten a. m. Butterman's office.

Are you shitting me?

Congratulations, Billy.

Okay!

Okay, all right. You two settle down.

Holy shit. Holy shit.

This isn't over, asshole.

You punch like it's the second day of your period.

- Yeah, fuck you. - Easy.

Congratulations.

Fucking...

No.

What, are you coming from church?

N-no, no, no, I have a T-shirt on under this.

I just wasn't sure of what...

The dress code?

You're painting a room, not taking it out to dinner.

All this pink, I want it gone.

We're going olive.

My little sister's room used to look just like this.

My daughter's room.

Little girls and pink.

This is probably the first time, huh?

What?

I was just thinking that it's probably the first time

that a white woman has ever wanted a black man

in her daughter's bedroom.

So your daughter likes olive now, huh?

Hates it.

You'll find what you need in the garage.

Anything you want to eat, you help yourself in the kitchen.

I'll be down at the club, you need me.

What do you think?

Well, that depends.

Are you going skiing or gonna blow Dick Cavett?

Oh, Dick and I were gonna ski first,

but I do usually blow him when we're done.

Well, then you look great.

So that's a no to the turtleneck.

Well, actually, that's a fuck, no, but I'm a lady.

You still haven't told me what Butterman said.

"I saw your 15. Now do your best six.

Buy a suit.

You look like you play for a women's softball team."

And then some quick story about how he one time

saw Joni Mitchell peeing outdoors while standing up.

- Way to bury the lede. - Mm.

Also, Dionne Warwick is hosting.

And apparently she finds excessive eye contact crass.

Well, I'm still very happy for you

despite your many hurdles.

My dad and my sister are coming out.

Wow.

I'm kind of excited to meet your dad.

Yeah, I don't know why I told them.

Because this is your moment,

and you want the people that matter most

to be there for you.

Oh, you're gonna be there, huh?

I'll think about it if you lose that turtleneck.

What you need is a groovy shirt.

♪

I'm gonna take the suit,

but I'll need the alterations done quickly.

I got Midnight Special.

Uh, the suit's not on special.

Sorry.

No, uh, it's a...

It's a television show, Midnight Special.

I'm gonna be on it.

Oh, I don't watch television.

Right.

I think we can just put it on the... like, the cuff here.

It has to make... Be, like, flashy, make noise.

- It's itchy. It's itchy. - Okay, this one you don't need.

What, you got kin coming up from Tennessee?

No, dude, Maggie pulled some strings

and got us on Let's Make a Deal.

Jobs?

Even better... contestants.

- What? - Yeah, and I got you costumes.

People just leave them in the Dumpster behind the studio.

Yeah, you smell like desperation and mouse urine.

No, Z, this could be big, okay?

We're on the trading floor. All we got to do is get picked.

Wait. We... we got to get picked?

Yeah. Do you even watch the show?

No.

Well, then you don't know how incredible this is.

You could win a dining-room set

or patio furniture.

Oh, great.

We can be comfortable while we starve.

No, dude, a-anything we win,

we're gonna sell and use to buy food.

It's all about the cash value.

Yeah, and don't forget to bring a hard-boiled egg.

What? Why?

Because Monty's gonna ask you for random shit,

and then give you 50 bucks for it.

And hard-boiled eggs are his go-to item.

This is a fucking ridiculous plan.

These people, dressed as they are,

come from all over the United States to make deals.

Here in the market place of America,

Let's Make a Deal!

And now here's America's top trader,

TV's big dealer,

Monty Hall!

Thank you.

Me make-em big deal.

Yay.

I have some reservations about this one...

Unless you want space food sticks for dinner, get excited.

Monty only chooses excited people.

Like I already don't hate myself enough.

The yolk's on you, my friend.

All right. Let's see.

What do we have here? What do we have here?

What's that? "Not scared to crow for a deal."

I'm not, Monty.

All right.

Ron Shack. Good name.

Uh, Ron Shack, will you crow for me?

Caw, caw!

Not bad. Come on.

We just moved here from Boston.

I mean, I'm originally from Tennessee,

but we moved there when I was, like, 15.

Okay, you and the... Uh, the sunflower?

No, no, he's...

He was... the sunflower was always from Boston.

All right. And who do we have here?

Uh, Eddie...

Show him your thing.

Uh, Eddie Zeidel. Is that correct?

That's close enough, Monty!

All right.

Well, Ron and Eddie from Boston

and formerly from Tennessee,

do either of you have a hard-boiled egg?

We do! We do, Monty.

Give him the egg.

I ate it. I ate it.

What?

I didn't think that was a real thing.

Monty, we had an egg, I promise.

I'm so sorry, but he ate it.

All right, well...

Well, don't worry because I have something else planned.

Jay, let's bring down the register.

Thank you, Jay.

Now, Ron, would you like to push a button?

Yes, absolutely, Monty!

Whoo!

Two hundred dollars!

That's right, $200.

What do we have here?

One, two...

♪ upbeat rock music ♪

♪

Hey.

You want this?

Ah, no such thing as a free lunch, my friend.

♪

I'm not too sure about what I'm eating,

but it's good.

It's liverwurst.

I think that's what my granddad died from.

Because he... He used to drink and...

So why do you have an empty birdcage?

Bird died.

Oh.

Had it eight years.

It was a birthday gift to my daughter, for her ninth.

So what did you do with it?

What, the parakeet?

Flushed it. What else do you do with a dead bird?

Right.

So why are you painting your daughter's room

a color that she doesn't like?

Not her room anymore.

Did she go off to college or something?

Hello?

Do not tell me that shit is still going on.

Jesus Christ.

I-I-I'll be right there.

Fucking kids.

Sully, you are telling me that Edgar

had a bum shit in your car?

One of the waitresses saw Edgar literally open the door

and allow the bum into my car!

How does she know I wasn't letting him out?

- Shut up. - Enough.

Let's get to the bigger point.

Why the fuck are you involving me in this?

Don't you think I have my own shit to deal with?

Well, it happened in your parking lot,

so I assume it's under your jurisdiction.

Well, I think the burden of proof is on Sully.

I mean, I deny ever telling a bum

to shit in his front seat.

I am willing to agree to the lesser charge

of just feeding a bum Dinty Moore Beef Stew

and pointing him towards his car.

This fucking guy! See? Right there? He's saying it.

That is enough. Stop.

Sully, you brought this on yourself.

Uh...

"He's a Mexican, that's his act"

is not an introduction.

Edgar is a goddamn lunatic,

- and you know it. - Hey.

What'd you think was gonna happen?

- I'm the victim here! - No, I am.

And I don't want to hear another word about this.

Here's Ron and Eddie, Ron and Eddie.

Yeah, Monty!

Tell me, boys, do you still have that $200,

or did Eddie here eat it?

No, no, no, we still have it.

Yeah, no, I didn't eat that, Monty.

All right.

Well, would you like to trade that 200 bucks for

what's behind the curtain where Carol Merrill is standing?

Ron, we already have $200,

and somebody just won a baby elephant,

so let's just... Let's just pack it in,

call it a day.

We'll take the curtain, Monty.

All right, for Ron and Eddie, what do we got?

We have a billiard table.

Jay?

That's right. It's a brand-new billiard table,

featuring a burn-resistant cloth surface,

high-speed rubber cushions...

Where are we putting that?

Retail value.

We sell that baby, we can eat for months.

Manufactured in Costa Mesa, California,

this beautiful billiard table retails

for $1,895!

- Yes! Yes! Yes! - Yes.

Yes! Yes!

- I'll get that. - Thanks.

- You finally made it. - Oh, you finally made it.

This is big, Billy.

Yeah, it's not The Tonight Show,

but if Dionne Warwick's doing it,

it's got to mean something.

That's all Dad's been talking about the whole trip...

Dionne Warwick.

She's a fine Negro singer, much better than the other one.

I promised I would get her autograph for your mom,

who sends her love, obviously.

Yeah, uh, Cass, this is my dad, Warren,

my sister, Susan.

Hi, nice... Nice to meet you both.

Nice to finally meet you.

Bill goes on and on about you constantly.

Is that so?

It's not constantly.

Bill...

where are you manners?

Uh, right, this is Sparky.

And, uh, my dad brought him, even though I told him

my apartment doesn't allow pets.

Well, hell, what, you didn't think

he would come to Hollywood to see his big-shot brother

going up on the doodad show?

He's not my brother.

And it's, uh, Midnight Special.

It's not the doodad show.

Well, I actually just wanted to come and say hi.

But I got to get to Goldie's.

You're leaving? I ordered Chinese food for us.

I know, but I'm going up tonight,

and, you know, I got my three pairs of jeans to go through...

Faded, really faded, and practically obscene.

Goldie's is the comedy club where Bill practices.

Performs.

You a waitress, sweetie?

I'm a comedian.

Oh, I-I thought you were his girlfriend.

She is. She's both.

Well, can we come see you?

I'm not on till really late.

I don't... I don't get the good time slots yet.

I'm... I'm still working my way up to where Bill is.

Hmm. You sure that's the direction?

Just busting your grapes, Billy.

Anyhow, it was very nice to meet you both.

Yeah, and we'll see you at the show...

Bill's show, I mean.

Yeah, the doodad show.

Definitely.

Bye.

She seems like a really sweet girl.

I never had a Jew.

Now, who wants to participate in our Big Deal of the Day?

Where you can trade in an earlier deal

for a chance at a really big prize.

Me! Me, Monty, me and Eddie!

No, we're good! We're good, Monty!

Hey, you, scarecrow, listen to me.

We need to quit while we're ahead.

We have a billiard table already.

Let's just sell it and eat.

Jeez, would you stop being such a pussy?

I'm not being a pussy! I'm just...

Why take the risk?

Are you serious?

We're out here because we're taking a risk.

I mean, every morning we get up, everything we do...

Moving here was a fucking risk.

I think that's a yes.

You're right. Fuck it.

Monty! Over here! Caw! Caw!

Don't caw. You're a flower.

You sound like a fucking idiot.

She wants door number three.

Let's see what's behind door number three.

A new car!

Ride in style to your next poker game

in a brand-new Cadillac.

This El Dorado's loaded with all of Cadillac's

famous power accessories, plus air conditioning...

The ultimate in luxury

from Casa de Cadillac in Sherman Oaks, California,

with tax and license included.

It sells for

$10,413.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Monty! Over here, Monty!

Pick us! Pick us!

- Monty, we're ready. - Pick us, Monty!

- He loves us... Monty. - I know, I see him, I see him.

Ron and Eddie, Ron and Eddie.

You guys have a billiard table worth

$1,895.

Which door do you choose?

Two! Two!

We want door number one.

Okay, door number one... Let's see what's behind it.

Oh.

That's what happens when you gamble at pool.

Hey, guys, your ride home is here.

Say, Jay, just so they don't go home empty-handed,

what else do we have for them?

Hee-haw, it's a year's supply of Rice-A-Roni,

the one you sauté and simmer to flavor perfection.

The San Francisco Treat!

Yes.

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Yes!

We did it.

I love having kids.

Best part about being a dad,

I only have to see them every other weekend.

My wife's new husband... He's great.

He even taught me how to throw a football.

You guys are a hot crowd,

not like my ex-wife...

Cold, drunk, and out at two in the morning.

Hey.

Hey, what are you doing here? It's late.

Can't a guy support his girlfriend?

Um, that's sweet, but...

please go home.

Do we have a problem?

Problem? Why would we have a problem?

My father and my sister show up,

and you couldn't get out of there fast enough.

No, I just... I was going up tonight,

and I just needed time to prepare.

You needed five hours?

You'd flip if I pulled this shit on you

right before you were gonna go on.

Have you seen this crowd?

This crowd is no different than any other crowd.

- They're not even listening. - So make them listen.

You know, you're being kind of an asshole right now.

You haven't played 2 a. m. In a long time,

and sometimes it's just a sucky crowd.

Then give me five of your minutes,

and I'll turn 'em around.

Is this a test?

A test?

Yeah. Are you testing me?

Yeah, I am. I'm being a dedicated boyfriend, okay?

And... and unlike you as a girlfriend,

I think I'm passing with flying colors.

Well, I guess that depends on what your definition is.

And what's your definition, Cass...

Carrying a torch for a dead guy?

All right. Up next...

♪ somber music ♪

Who we got? Um...

They asleep back there? Who's next?

Cassie?

I can't believe you would do this to me

right before I fucking go on.

If you can't handle it,

I'll warm 'em up for you.

No, I don't need you to do that.

Bill, I don't need you to do that.

Oh, all right, we got a last-minute substitution.

Uh, he's a regular on The Main Stage,

you're gonna see him on Midnight Special very soon.

My man, Mr. Bill Hobbs!

All right. Good morning.

Wow, what are the odds of an entire front row of people

who all had their dogs put down on the same day, huh?

Uh, I'm not married. Don't like the idea of marriage.

The whole anniversary gifts is a real turnoff to me.

You know, first year, paper. Second year, cotton.

Third year, leather.

Sounds like a suicide kit, doesn't it?

You know, it's...

The paper to write the suicide note with, you know?

Like, "Oh, thanks for the cotton last year, babe,

and now the, uh, belt to hang myself with."

I feel like we should amend that list, you know.

It needs to be updated.

It's one of those things where it's, uh...

That company is gonna fall apart.

A new... uh-uh, hey. Excuse me?

Hi. Yeah, you, talking.

I'm... I'm talking to you.

Uh, who else would I be talking to?

Um, I'm up here working,

so if you don't mind shutting the fuck up...

Whoa!

I'd be, uh, forever grateful.

- Thank you. - Just ignore me, okay?

Uh, ignoring you is probably easy for everyone in your life,

but, uh, this is my job.

So I'm up here, doing my job,

my job is to stand here, talking,

and yours is to sit with your mouth shut,

listening, okay?

Be nice. We got laid off today.

You got laid today?

Judging by the expression on your face, it wasn't that good.

Our whole department got laid off today.

Oh, really?

Then why the fuck did you come to a comedy show?

Huh?

Oh, Jesus, lady, you think just 'cause your life is shit,

you need to come here and share the wealth?

You know how fucking hard this is?

No, you have no idea

what it's like to put yourself out there.

I'm... I'm sure it's a lot harder than whatever widget factory

you and the traveling mausoleum got shit-canned from today.

Oh, great. Okay.

- Okay. - Thanks.

Oh, oh, you taking off? Now you gonna leave, huh?

Fuck off. Go.

Unemployment office isn't open for another couple hours, girls.

You're an asshole.

Yeah, I am an asshole. Don't ever fucking come back.

Fuck it.

Everybody, Bill Hobbs!

Keynote speaker at the next feminist convention.

Hello?

Had a colleague at your club last night,

said your Hobbs guy put on quite a show.

Ugly, with a capital U.

Well, I have no fucking idea what you're talking about.

We're dropping your boy.

Dropping him?

Well, that's fucking insane.

He wasn't even scheduled.

We just want to wait a bit.

We'll revisit the situation in a couple of months.

Art, I give you my word, Bill's a pro.

♪ Somber jazz music ♪

Comics go off on people all the time.

Maybe he had too much to drink, huh?

According to my guy, he didn't just go off.

He went ballistic.

Look, we already got Robert Klein.

Let's talk in a couple of months.

♪

What, I-I'm an idiot all of a sudden?

I don't know my own kids?

♪

Did I tell you I gave up coffee?

The caffeine... made me anxious,

made me say things in a way that was,

let's just say, not as I'd intentioned.

Ended up burning a lot of bridges.

Not me.

I love my coffee.

But you go ahead...

You enjoy your fucking tea.

♪

Hello?

Hey, Goldie, what's up?

I picked up your suit

because that's what girlfriends do.

Someone was there from Midnight Special

when I...

And, uh, I'm not...

They cancelled.

Is that Carrie?

Well, is she coming in or not?

Um, I'm... Thank you, Mr. Hobbs, but...

She can't stay, Dad.

Did this just happen?

Yeah, Goldie just hung up.

I'll call you later tonight, okay?

Okay.

You're okay, right?

Yeah.

Thanks for...

Now what'd you do?

The paint's looking good.

Oh. Thanks.

- Hmm. - Yeah.

Can I ask you a question?

Sure.

How are you at putting up shelves?

Fine.

'Cause I'm thinking about putting some up

where the bureau was...

making this into an office.

I don't have one up here.

I do all my work at the dining-room table.

I got four bedrooms.

It's crazy, huh?

Yeah.

Yeah.

So your... Your daughter's gonna sleep

in one of the other rooms?

My daughter.

My daughter took off six months ago.

Van pulled up, some droopy-eyed stoner got out.

She shoved everything that mattered into a pink suitcase

I bought for her when we went on a trip

to the Grand Canyon when she was six.

And that, as they say, was that.

- Did she call or...? - No.

I was on my own when I was 17,

so same difference, I suppose.

I mean, clearly, she can come home if she wants.

Clearly, she doesn't want.

Yeah, you love 'em, you feed 'em,

try to protect 'em... Mostly from themselves.

At least that's what you tell yourself.

Ah, well, world keeps spinning, right?

You miss her?

Uh... uh, I'm sorry.

She wore these slippers.

They made this sound when she walked...

like someone sanding wood.

I miss that...

that sound.

I didn't need to talk. I didn't need to see her.

That sound, that... that was enough.

The shelves are in the garage.

It's not your fault.

You know that, right?

It's just, it's... it's some kind of Hobbs curse.

Your grandfather was, um...

a cobbler, right?

And he made

the most beautiful men's shoes.

He saved up the money and opened up his own shop.

And then the Depression hits.

Oh, people don't need fancy shoes.

They need a piece of bread,

a bowl of soup.

It's not his fault.

He died working for some bum

who treated him like dirt.

He worked until he was almost 70.

This guy yelling at him like...

Like he was some teenager working there after school.

The man fought in the Battle of Belleau Wood,

for Christ's sake.

And me...

It's Jap cars cutting into Detroit...

Ten years from my retirement.

Fuck.

God's got it out for the Hobbs, that's all I know.

Your grandfather

compared us Hobbs to cavemen throwing rocks at the moon,

trying to knock it out of the sky.

So try to think of it as some sort of a...

rite of passage...

'cause you never stood a chance, son.

Just throwing rocks at the moon,

like the rest of us.

- Edgar. - Hmm?

This guy look familiar to you?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh, it's your dad, right?

He admitted that you told him to shit in my car.

Oh, my God, Edgar, what did you do?

I just fed a hungry man Dinty Moore Beef Stew,

and what he did after that was his business.

- Huh, literally. - Right.

Oh, shit.

You have five seconds to bust my balls,

or I'm gonna kick the fuck out of each and every one of you.

I think this just became a Midnight After-school Special.

Uh, the only special Bill's gonna be shooting on Thursday

is a .38.

I don't know what's rustier,

that suit, your pubes, or your act.

What do you got, old man?

You said there'd be olives for me if I...

Come on, Dad, let's get you fed.

That was the best one.

Bill, I'm really sorry...

that you can't return that suit.

Oh.

You own it?

Got to love the comedian.

But to be honest, I was kind of hoping for the girlfriend.

♪ Rock music ♪

♪

Well, the shelves are up,

and, um, all the painting is finished.

Thank you, Adam.

Come back tomorrow. I'll have more work for you.

Goldie, why am I here?

Speaking Yiddish

One morning,

while she was making their breakfast,

Yussel walked up to his wife, Hette,

and pinched her on the tuchus.

And he said, "You know,

if you firm this up,

we could get rid of your girdle."

Now, Hette thought this was a terrible thing to say.

But she refrained from responding.

Next morning,

Yussel wakes Hette up by squeezing her breast.

He says, "You know, if we firm these up,

you could get rid of your bra."

Now, Hette thought this was unacceptable...

and had to respond this time.

So...

she rolled over

and grabbed him by his dick,

and with a strong grip,

she said, "You know, if you firm this up,

we could get rid of the postman, the butcher, and your brother."

That is so fun...

Oh, shit.

Whew.

I'm still not... Not sure why I'm here, though.

I guess it's because you know when to shut the fuck up.

Speaking Yiddish

♪ Jon Brion's "So Now Then" plays ♪

And now a guy who made his national TV debut

this week, almost.

Let's get some pity applause for Mr. Bill Hobbs.

♪

I'm not married. I'm, uh, not into the idea of marriage

I find the anniversary gifts a real turnoff.

You know, first year, paper. Second year, cotton.

Third year, leather.

Sounds like a suicide kit.

Paper to write the suicide note with, you know.

"Thanks for the cotton last year, honey,

oh, and the belt this year to hang myself with."

I feel like we should update this list

just a little bit, don't you?

Yeah, first year, peace. Second year, quiet.

Third year, fix me up with your sister.

The cans on her.

I'm half Irish, half Italian.

You know, this is what happens when a little Italian woman

wants to get back at her dad.

She goes, and she sleeps with the biggest Mick in town.

And out pops a full-sized leprechaun.

Whoo!

♪

Oh, fuck.

Fuck.

Four?

Dinty Moore, four for a buck.

Peace?

Peace.

Want a ride home?

Yeah. Thanks, Sully.

♪

♪ Rice-A-Roni ♪

♪ The San Francisco Treat ♪

♪ Ding ding ♪

Don't know the second verse.

- There's a second verse? - Mm.

Speaking Yiddish

♪ Dionne Warwick's "Walk On By" plays ♪

♪

♪ If you see me walking down the street ♪

♪ And I start to cry each time we meet ♪

♪ Walk on by ♪

♪

♪ Walk on by ♪

♪ Make believe ♪

♪ That you don't see the tears ♪

♪ Just let me grieve in private ♪

♪ 'Cause each time I see you ♪

♪ I break down and cry ♪

♪

♪ Walk on by ♪

♪ Don't stop ♪