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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:04,440 --> 00:00:06,770 Previously on "I'm Dying Up Here"... 2 00:00:06,770 --> 00:00:07,440 Tourists? 3 00:00:07,440 --> 00:00:09,530 Comics. From Boston. 4 00:00:10,860 --> 00:00:11,280 What do you think of the place? 5 00:00:11,280 --> 00:00:13,530 We'll take it. 6 00:00:13,530 --> 00:00:15,070 And listen, this is the closet to my room out here. 7 00:00:15,070 --> 00:00:15,860 So, if I'm in there with Maggie... 8 00:00:15,860 --> 00:00:17,910 - Who's Maggie? - She's my girl. 9 00:00:17,910 --> 00:00:18,990 By the way, hands off. 10 00:00:18,990 --> 00:00:22,540 Took my kids to the circus, the Mexican circus. 11 00:00:24,120 --> 00:00:25,000 You know who Edmund Hillary is? 12 00:00:25,000 --> 00:00:27,380 He risked everything to reach the summit, 13 00:00:27,380 --> 00:00:30,130 and when he finally stood on top of the world, 14 00:00:30,130 --> 00:00:31,840 do you know how long it was for? 15 00:00:31,840 --> 00:00:35,010 Fifteen minutes. 16 00:00:35,010 --> 00:00:36,470 Guys, I'm trying to hear Clay. 17 00:00:36,470 --> 00:00:38,470 - Come on over. - He got the couch. 18 00:00:38,470 --> 00:00:40,720 I'm jealous. Every Merv, Johnny, 19 00:00:40,720 --> 00:00:41,810 or Dinah fucking Shore appearance 20 00:00:41,810 --> 00:00:44,770 another comic makes is one more that we didn't get. 21 00:00:44,770 --> 00:00:46,440 That's a motherfucking 22 00:00:46,440 --> 00:00:47,190 2:30 in the morning pancake speech right there. 23 00:00:47,190 --> 00:00:51,020 Fuck you, and fuck you. 24 00:00:51,020 --> 00:00:52,650 Without you even realizing it, 25 00:00:52,650 --> 00:00:55,860 life just bends you over and tucks it straight up your ass. 26 00:00:55,860 --> 00:00:57,110 Johnny feels bad, but I just think we need 27 00:00:57,110 --> 00:00:58,240 to book some more established comics for a little while, 28 00:00:58,240 --> 00:01:00,620 see how it all shakes out. 29 00:01:00,620 --> 00:01:02,870 I been doing open mic for over a fucking year now. 30 00:01:02,870 --> 00:01:05,540 You want Carson? You got to mingle for Christ's sake. 31 00:01:05,540 --> 00:01:07,040 I said I know who you are. 32 00:01:07,040 --> 00:01:08,080 Why don't you quit while you're ahead, huh? 33 00:01:08,080 --> 00:01:10,130 Think I should try to book a church? 34 00:01:10,130 --> 00:01:13,590 Fuck, no. We're in one. 35 00:01:15,050 --> 00:01:19,090 ♪ Jazz music ♪ 36 00:01:19,090 --> 00:01:24,520 ♪ 37 00:01:24,520 --> 00:01:25,770 Are you having a good time, ma'am? 38 00:01:25,770 --> 00:01:26,270 Really? All right. 39 00:01:26,270 --> 00:01:28,690 Tell your face. 40 00:01:33,150 --> 00:01:34,900 Guys, Vietnam's coming to an end. 41 00:01:34,900 --> 00:01:36,990 That means what? 42 00:01:36,990 --> 00:01:38,860 Comedians are coming home... 43 00:01:38,860 --> 00:01:39,870 from Canada. 44 00:01:41,370 --> 00:01:42,700 I used to do a lot of handyman work, 45 00:01:42,700 --> 00:01:44,330 growing up. 46 00:01:44,330 --> 00:01:47,000 Mostly because my dad was in the business... 47 00:01:47,000 --> 00:01:48,710 of breaking shit. 48 00:01:54,880 --> 00:01:56,920 Well, what are you doing in here? 49 00:01:56,920 --> 00:01:59,050 That hooker in the trunk ain't gonna bury herself. 50 00:02:03,640 --> 00:02:05,060 All right, thank you, folks. 51 00:02:05,060 --> 00:02:06,390 You've been a... 52 00:02:06,390 --> 00:02:08,390 slightly above average crowd. 53 00:02:17,070 --> 00:02:20,070 ♪ Donny Hathaway's "Voices Inside" plays ♪ 54 00:02:20,070 --> 00:02:25,330 ♪ 55 00:02:27,370 --> 00:02:28,500 This room is toast. 56 00:02:28,500 --> 00:02:29,500 ♪ Let's get down now ♪ 57 00:02:38,090 --> 00:02:40,930 ♪ I hear voices ♪ 58 00:02:40,930 --> 00:02:41,470 Yeah. 59 00:02:41,470 --> 00:02:44,050 ♪ I see people ♪ 60 00:02:44,050 --> 00:02:45,260 ♪ I hear voices ♪ 61 00:02:45,260 --> 00:02:47,180 ♪ Of many people ♪ 62 00:02:47,180 --> 00:02:49,520 ♪ Oh, yeah ♪ 63 00:02:51,940 --> 00:02:53,520 ♪ I see people... ♪ 64 00:02:53,520 --> 00:02:56,110 Ooh. 65 00:02:56,110 --> 00:02:58,570 My fellow Americans, 66 00:02:58,570 --> 00:03:03,910 let's make one thing perfectly clear. 67 00:03:03,910 --> 00:03:06,410 His sister was so ugly 68 00:03:06,410 --> 00:03:09,120 people went out on Halloween, 69 00:03:09,120 --> 00:03:10,160 dressed as her. 70 00:03:14,580 --> 00:03:18,170 That was Nixon insulting my sister. 71 00:03:18,170 --> 00:03:19,210 ♪ Oh, yeah... ♪ 72 00:03:19,210 --> 00:03:20,880 Hey. You cutting it close. 73 00:03:20,880 --> 00:03:22,130 - I'm sorry. I'm sorry. - Come on. 74 00:03:22,130 --> 00:03:24,300 ♪ I see people ♪ 75 00:03:24,300 --> 00:03:25,640 ♪ I hear voices... ♪ 76 00:03:25,640 --> 00:03:27,350 Anybody here like magic? 77 00:03:27,350 --> 00:03:29,350 Oh... oh, my time's up. 78 00:03:29,350 --> 00:03:31,690 ♪ I hear voices ♪ 79 00:03:31,690 --> 00:03:33,650 Thank you, Mr. President. 80 00:03:33,650 --> 00:03:34,520 Come on. 81 00:03:34,520 --> 00:03:36,360 All right, coming to the stage next, 82 00:03:36,360 --> 00:03:39,280 a regular here at the open mic, 83 00:03:39,280 --> 00:03:40,550 give it up for Mr. Adam Proteau. 84 00:03:44,660 --> 00:03:46,780 - Twinkle. - Mm. 85 00:03:49,330 --> 00:03:50,330 Whoo! 86 00:03:53,750 --> 00:03:57,920 Yes, that's right, I am a professional amateur. 87 00:03:59,460 --> 00:04:02,050 I used to do a lot of handyman work growing up, 88 00:04:02,050 --> 00:04:05,090 mostly because my dad was in the business... 89 00:04:05,090 --> 00:04:06,800 of breaking shit. 90 00:04:08,350 --> 00:04:10,180 "What the hell's wrong with this toaster?" 91 00:04:10,180 --> 00:04:11,850 Well, Dad, did you try to plug it in 92 00:04:11,850 --> 00:04:13,480 before you threw it against the wall? 93 00:04:13,480 --> 00:04:15,190 It's just a question. It's just a... 94 00:04:17,810 --> 00:04:20,190 Where the fuck did you get another toaster? 95 00:04:21,900 --> 00:04:23,650 Like, my dad used to break everything, 96 00:04:23,650 --> 00:04:26,030 not just normal stuff, everything... 97 00:04:26,030 --> 00:04:27,490 Appliances, 98 00:04:27,490 --> 00:04:29,030 TVs, 99 00:04:29,030 --> 00:04:30,160 laws. 100 00:04:32,160 --> 00:04:33,120 But it's okay, you know, 101 00:04:33,120 --> 00:04:35,540 'cause now I know how to fix everything. 102 00:04:35,540 --> 00:04:37,750 How to fix a door that's been kicked in. 103 00:04:37,750 --> 00:04:39,920 I can plaster up a hole that's been punched into a wall. 104 00:04:39,920 --> 00:04:40,840 Fix a pane of glass that my head 105 00:04:40,840 --> 00:04:43,220 may or may not have been pushed through. 106 00:04:44,470 --> 00:04:46,760 One thing I can't fix 107 00:04:46,760 --> 00:04:48,220 is the relationship with my dad. 108 00:04:49,600 --> 00:04:52,600 Hey! How about a shine, my brotha? 109 00:04:54,890 --> 00:04:56,900 "How about a shine"? 110 00:04:56,900 --> 00:04:59,083 Okay, are we talking about your shoes or your dick, sir? 111 00:05:00,690 --> 00:05:03,070 Your mama took care of my dick. 112 00:05:03,070 --> 00:05:04,780 I gave her 50 cents. 113 00:05:04,780 --> 00:05:07,110 Well, seeing as how she only charges 25 cents an inch, 114 00:05:07,110 --> 00:05:10,410 I wouldn't scream out that dumb shit too proudly, you know? 115 00:05:10,410 --> 00:05:13,160 Now, if your mama sucked my dick 116 00:05:13,160 --> 00:05:15,580 for 25 cent an inch, she'd have enough money 117 00:05:15,580 --> 00:05:16,580 to send your ass to Yale, Harvard, 118 00:05:16,580 --> 00:05:19,210 and Shut The Fuck Up School, 119 00:05:19,210 --> 00:05:21,340 which is on the corner of I Need To Be Noticed 120 00:05:21,340 --> 00:05:23,420 and My Date Thinks I'm An Asshole. 121 00:05:25,420 --> 00:05:27,340 Fucking dick. 122 00:05:29,260 --> 00:05:31,850 Hey, you can't let 'em get to you. 123 00:05:33,270 --> 00:05:34,640 This is seven-card stud. 124 00:05:34,640 --> 00:05:36,640 Low spade in the hole splits the pot. 125 00:05:42,020 --> 00:05:43,900 Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. 126 00:05:43,900 --> 00:05:46,110 Shit, and shit! 127 00:05:46,110 --> 00:05:49,320 Jesus, is this a game of chance or no chance? 128 00:05:49,320 --> 00:05:50,450 Don't let the sun catch you crying, baby. 129 00:05:50,450 --> 00:05:52,910 Mm-hmm. 130 00:05:52,910 --> 00:05:55,450 So I heard Johnny had Rickles on the other night. 131 00:05:55,450 --> 00:05:56,790 That's fresh. 132 00:05:56,790 --> 00:05:58,670 Oh, Christ, don't get her riled. 133 00:05:58,670 --> 00:06:00,960 Get me riled? What? I love Don. 134 00:06:00,960 --> 00:06:02,540 Yeah, doesn't exactly sound like all the calls 135 00:06:02,540 --> 00:06:04,340 I've been getting from you lately. 136 00:06:04,340 --> 00:06:05,670 You say don't get her started, then you get her started. 137 00:06:05,670 --> 00:06:07,880 Come on, R-Rickles, Hackett, 138 00:06:07,880 --> 00:06:10,470 Professor Irwin Corey, I love 'em. 139 00:06:10,470 --> 00:06:13,810 But you can't get any more "dog bites man" than that. 140 00:06:13,810 --> 00:06:16,600 I told you. We're bringing the kids back. 141 00:06:16,600 --> 00:06:18,060 Oh, papers cleared Clay over a month ago. 142 00:06:18,060 --> 00:06:21,560 Be nice if you guys could keep up with yesterday's news. 143 00:06:21,560 --> 00:06:24,730 We just need to leave the window open a little longer. 144 00:06:24,730 --> 00:06:25,980 Send 'em our way. 145 00:06:25,980 --> 00:06:27,820 We love the kids at Midnight Special. 146 00:06:27,820 --> 00:06:29,610 I tried calling your producer... Butterman. 147 00:06:29,610 --> 00:06:31,820 Yeah, said he can't be reached. 148 00:06:31,820 --> 00:06:33,280 He's fly-fishing, for two months. 149 00:06:35,290 --> 00:06:36,240 We're fly-fishing now? 150 00:06:36,240 --> 00:06:39,160 I think it's a euphemism for invading Syria. 151 00:06:39,160 --> 00:06:41,750 Thank you for making the world right side up again. 152 00:06:41,750 --> 00:06:43,250 Whatever it's a euphemism for, 153 00:06:43,250 --> 00:06:45,380 I'm having lunch with him tomorrow at noon. 154 00:06:45,380 --> 00:06:47,340 Expect a call around one. 155 00:06:47,340 --> 00:06:49,470 Well... 156 00:06:49,470 --> 00:06:51,340 just for that, Bob, I'm gonna tell you... 157 00:06:51,340 --> 00:06:53,930 Mitch here has a pair of aces. 158 00:06:55,350 --> 00:06:57,390 You're a real asshole, Goldie. 159 00:06:57,390 --> 00:07:00,020 What, it's my fault you got the wingspan of a condor? 160 00:07:01,440 --> 00:07:04,980 Hold your cards closer to your vest next time, huh? 161 00:07:08,360 --> 00:07:10,400 What's up, my man? 162 00:07:13,370 --> 00:07:15,950 Mm. 163 00:07:15,950 --> 00:07:18,370 No, I wouldn't want your job, 164 00:07:18,370 --> 00:07:21,750 not for all the bananas in China. 165 00:07:22,710 --> 00:07:25,040 My girlfriend dragged me here. 166 00:07:25,040 --> 00:07:30,550 Some douchebag at her office thinks he's Rich Little. 167 00:07:30,550 --> 00:07:31,630 Got to cut these guys some slack, man. 168 00:07:31,630 --> 00:07:35,220 It's open mic, all newbies. 169 00:07:35,220 --> 00:07:36,390 No shit? 170 00:07:36,390 --> 00:07:38,890 Good thing I'm here. 171 00:07:38,890 --> 00:07:42,310 Liven this motherfucker up. 172 00:07:42,310 --> 00:07:43,770 It's hard. 173 00:07:43,770 --> 00:07:46,310 You know, comedy's all about timing, 174 00:07:46,310 --> 00:07:48,190 which takes a while to learn. 175 00:07:48,190 --> 00:07:50,240 Bullshit. 176 00:07:50,240 --> 00:07:51,570 You're either funny, 177 00:07:51,570 --> 00:07:53,360 or you're not. 178 00:07:53,360 --> 00:07:56,030 Now, Bill Cosby... 179 00:07:56,030 --> 00:07:57,200 he's a funny spook. 180 00:07:57,200 --> 00:07:59,080 Yeah. 181 00:07:59,080 --> 00:08:00,410 But that spook got funny 182 00:08:00,410 --> 00:08:03,370 by learning timing. 183 00:08:03,370 --> 00:08:05,920 Know your audience! 184 00:08:05,920 --> 00:08:07,750 Know when to wait for a laugh. 185 00:08:07,750 --> 00:08:13,010 Timing is motherfucking everything! 186 00:08:13,970 --> 00:08:15,760 Now, see? 187 00:08:15,760 --> 00:08:18,300 Half hour ago, this wouldn't have been funny to me. 188 00:08:18,300 --> 00:08:20,600 But now it's motherfucking hysterical. 189 00:08:23,180 --> 00:08:24,180 Hey, floor's wet. 190 00:08:28,400 --> 00:08:30,440 Hey. You want to buy some weed? 191 00:09:06,440 --> 00:09:07,440 Tweety? 192 00:09:25,540 --> 00:09:26,870 ♪ Rock music ♪ 193 00:09:26,870 --> 00:09:28,500 All right, let me hear it. 194 00:09:28,500 --> 00:09:29,830 Hear what? 195 00:09:29,830 --> 00:09:32,500 You only smile like that 196 00:09:32,500 --> 00:09:35,380 over brownies, blow jobs, or a new bit. 197 00:09:35,380 --> 00:09:39,180 And since we're all out of brownies and blow jobs... 198 00:09:39,180 --> 00:09:41,680 Why are we always running out of blow jobs? 199 00:09:41,680 --> 00:09:42,760 Why can't we run out of Wheat Thins or yogurt? 200 00:09:42,760 --> 00:09:44,520 It's always stuff that I like. 201 00:09:44,520 --> 00:09:48,190 Joke, please. 202 00:09:48,190 --> 00:09:50,270 You know that Picasso just died, right? 203 00:09:50,270 --> 00:09:52,610 Good. 204 00:09:52,610 --> 00:09:54,070 What do you got against Picasso? 205 00:09:54,070 --> 00:09:56,360 Four of the women he was with... 206 00:09:56,360 --> 00:09:56,990 Two committed suicide, 207 00:09:56,990 --> 00:09:58,820 and two he drove insane. 208 00:09:58,820 --> 00:10:00,570 So you're saying the guy has a type. 209 00:10:00,570 --> 00:10:03,120 Can I continue? 210 00:10:03,120 --> 00:10:03,950 So I'm reading Pablo's obit. 211 00:10:03,950 --> 00:10:05,700 You know, the guy's a famous artist. 212 00:10:05,700 --> 00:10:08,540 He's got nothing to prove, 213 00:10:08,540 --> 00:10:10,540 except, apparently, how much pussy he got. 214 00:10:10,540 --> 00:10:11,960 Listen to this. 215 00:10:11,960 --> 00:10:15,920 "Picasso, 91, died in a villa in France 216 00:10:15,920 --> 00:10:17,720 and leaves behind a wife almost half his age." 217 00:10:17,720 --> 00:10:20,050 Okay, you've got my attention. 218 00:10:20,050 --> 00:10:22,510 "In addition to his wife, he leaves four children... 219 00:10:22,510 --> 00:10:24,350 One son born to his first wife, 220 00:10:24,350 --> 00:10:26,220 the dancer Olga Khokhlova." 221 00:10:26,220 --> 00:10:28,310 Not just a dancer, the dancer. 222 00:10:28,310 --> 00:10:29,560 Right? 223 00:10:29,560 --> 00:10:30,730 "And daughter born to his mistress, 224 00:10:30,730 --> 00:10:32,230 Marie-Thérèse Walter." 225 00:10:32,230 --> 00:10:34,230 Since when have mistresses been put in obits? 226 00:10:34,230 --> 00:10:37,110 "And another son and daughter both the children 227 00:10:37,110 --> 00:10:39,070 of Françoise Gilot, another mistress," 228 00:10:39,070 --> 00:10:41,870 for those of you keeping score at home, 229 00:10:41,870 --> 00:10:46,620 "who is now the wife of biologist Dr. Jonas Salk." 230 00:10:46,620 --> 00:10:48,750 Fuck you, Jonas Salk. 231 00:10:48,750 --> 00:10:51,540 You cured polio? I fucked your wife. 232 00:10:51,540 --> 00:10:52,420 That's not an obit. 233 00:10:52,420 --> 00:10:54,460 That's a press release for his dick. 234 00:10:58,630 --> 00:11:00,470 ♪ Baby... ♪ 235 00:11:00,470 --> 00:11:02,090 ♪ 236 00:11:02,090 --> 00:11:05,970 It's nice having a comedian as a girlfriend. 237 00:11:05,970 --> 00:11:08,270 ♪ 238 00:11:11,270 --> 00:11:14,110 ♪ 239 00:11:14,110 --> 00:11:16,480 You've never called me that before. 240 00:11:16,480 --> 00:11:18,650 ♪ 241 00:11:18,650 --> 00:11:22,490 Is that what this is? 242 00:11:22,490 --> 00:11:24,370 I mean, "two people who fuck intermittently" 243 00:11:24,370 --> 00:11:25,950 just sounds so long. 244 00:11:25,950 --> 00:11:26,700 Plus, we've been dating for four months. 245 00:11:26,700 --> 00:11:29,120 Oh, "dating," wow. 246 00:11:29,120 --> 00:11:31,580 Well, you're just giving away labels today. 247 00:11:31,580 --> 00:11:32,960 Ladies and gentlemen, 248 00:11:32,960 --> 00:11:36,290 the downside of having a comedian as a girlfriend. 249 00:11:36,290 --> 00:11:38,300 ♪ 250 00:11:38,300 --> 00:11:39,630 Hey! 251 00:11:39,630 --> 00:11:40,800 Hey! 252 00:11:40,800 --> 00:11:42,680 Jesus fucking Christ! 253 00:11:42,680 --> 00:11:44,890 ♪ Jazz music ♪ 254 00:11:44,890 --> 00:11:46,220 Come on! 255 00:11:46,220 --> 00:11:49,520 ♪ 256 00:11:49,520 --> 00:11:51,480 Hey, hey! 257 00:11:51,480 --> 00:11:52,980 This is my laundry. 258 00:11:52,980 --> 00:11:53,980 Asshole! Men's clothes! 259 00:11:53,980 --> 00:11:55,610 So, unless there's a Mr. Prostitute, 260 00:11:55,610 --> 00:11:58,480 you can go fuck... 261 00:11:58,480 --> 00:11:59,480 For fuck's sake. 262 00:11:59,480 --> 00:12:00,650 Give me the fucking bag back. 263 00:12:00,650 --> 00:12:01,690 All right, all right. Help! Help! 264 00:12:01,690 --> 00:12:02,990 She's got a fucking knife! 265 00:12:02,990 --> 00:12:05,370 She's got a fucking knife! Fuck! 266 00:12:05,370 --> 00:12:06,370 Fuck! 267 00:12:08,280 --> 00:12:10,500 F... all right, just take it! Fucking take it! 268 00:12:10,500 --> 00:12:15,040 ♪ 269 00:12:15,040 --> 00:12:16,290 Shit. 270 00:12:16,290 --> 00:12:17,790 Oh, you motherfucker. 271 00:12:17,790 --> 00:12:20,170 Hey, big guy, get her! 272 00:12:20,170 --> 00:12:22,510 Hey! Come on! 273 00:12:22,510 --> 00:12:25,840 ♪ 274 00:12:28,680 --> 00:12:31,850 Why are these wet? 275 00:12:31,850 --> 00:12:33,850 I didn't have enough quarters. 276 00:12:33,850 --> 00:12:36,100 What'd you get us for lunch? 277 00:12:39,070 --> 00:12:40,400 Space food sticks? 278 00:12:40,400 --> 00:12:42,610 The clerk was watching me like a hawk. 279 00:12:42,610 --> 00:12:44,820 Was it retarded Ringo Starr? 280 00:12:44,820 --> 00:12:47,490 No, it was the Asian guy with the mustache 281 00:12:47,490 --> 00:12:49,530 that looks like a 12-year-old's pussy. 282 00:12:49,530 --> 00:12:50,870 We're lucky I got these. 283 00:12:50,870 --> 00:12:53,710 Hey, in zero gravity, 284 00:12:53,710 --> 00:12:56,580 would this or would this not look like a floating turd? 285 00:12:56,580 --> 00:12:58,500 Really? 286 00:12:58,500 --> 00:13:00,420 You're gonna ruin my appetite for the only food we have? 287 00:13:00,420 --> 00:13:02,090 Hey, I know what will cheer you up. 288 00:13:02,090 --> 00:13:04,550 We got 34 bucks, and rent's due next week. 289 00:13:04,550 --> 00:13:07,510 Fuck! 290 00:13:07,510 --> 00:13:10,140 My parents are gonna be so pissed if I ask for more money. 291 00:13:10,140 --> 00:13:13,270 Well, if your mom had blown your dad 292 00:13:13,270 --> 00:13:14,730 instead of fucking him the night you were conceived, 293 00:13:14,730 --> 00:13:15,770 they wouldn't be in this mess, 294 00:13:15,770 --> 00:13:18,350 so maybe look in the mirror, Mr. and Mrs. Zeidel. 295 00:13:18,350 --> 00:13:22,150 Mm, can you please not talk about my mother giving head? 296 00:13:22,150 --> 00:13:25,740 Yeah, but you just made it the elephant in the room. 297 00:13:27,410 --> 00:13:30,160 You should be cleaning the toilets, Edgar. 298 00:13:30,160 --> 00:13:32,290 Since when did Midnight Special start doing showcases? 299 00:13:32,290 --> 00:13:34,370 Since I got a producer to come and see 300 00:13:34,370 --> 00:13:37,460 if one of you assholes is ready for national television. 301 00:13:37,460 --> 00:13:41,750 Kay, no food in the audience during the showcase, huh? 302 00:13:41,750 --> 00:13:43,090 How drunk do you want 'em? 303 00:13:43,090 --> 00:13:44,710 I want them focused on the comics, 304 00:13:44,710 --> 00:13:47,630 not whether or not their cheese sticks are hot enough. 305 00:13:55,220 --> 00:13:56,180 What the fuck? 306 00:13:56,180 --> 00:13:59,600 This is it? These are the times? 307 00:13:59,600 --> 00:14:00,730 Is there a problem? 308 00:14:00,730 --> 00:14:01,650 Yeah, why you got me going first? 309 00:14:01,650 --> 00:14:03,190 I got to compete with the drink orders. 310 00:14:03,190 --> 00:14:04,820 I'd rather open than close. 311 00:14:04,820 --> 00:14:06,440 You're not closing, you're headlining. 312 00:14:06,440 --> 00:14:08,240 Okay, that load of crap. Let's call it what it is. 313 00:14:08,240 --> 00:14:10,660 I'm going last... I'm like the guy sweeping up 314 00:14:10,660 --> 00:14:12,200 after the elephant at the end of the parade. 315 00:14:12,200 --> 00:14:13,910 No, Gabe's going after Ralph. 316 00:14:13,910 --> 00:14:15,830 He's sweeping up after the elephant. 317 00:14:15,830 --> 00:14:17,210 Uh, Goldie, 318 00:14:17,210 --> 00:14:18,620 Uh-huh? 319 00:14:18,620 --> 00:14:20,170 Why am I, uh, not on the list? 320 00:14:20,170 --> 00:14:22,040 Sully, I need you to emcee. 321 00:14:22,040 --> 00:14:23,340 No, what? No. Come on, that's total bullshit. 322 00:14:23,340 --> 00:14:24,840 You know I'm just as good as these guys. 323 00:14:24,840 --> 00:14:26,130 We've talked about this. 324 00:14:26,130 --> 00:14:29,130 You don't have a tight 15 yet. 325 00:14:29,130 --> 00:14:30,640 You're mostly crowd work. 326 00:14:30,640 --> 00:14:32,850 Uh, I can do a tight 15. 327 00:14:32,850 --> 00:14:36,100 I said "yet." I know you can, and you will, just not now. 328 00:14:36,100 --> 00:14:38,520 - Are we done here? - Uh, just one question. 329 00:14:38,520 --> 00:14:40,810 Do Gabe and I have to blow Bill, too, 330 00:14:40,810 --> 00:14:41,810 or just set the stage for him? 331 00:14:41,810 --> 00:14:42,440 Your meaning? 332 00:14:42,440 --> 00:14:44,480 Meaning, we warm him up, 333 00:14:44,480 --> 00:14:46,150 and Bill here reaps all the benefits. 334 00:14:46,150 --> 00:14:48,150 I don't have the best spot. Gabe does. 335 00:14:48,150 --> 00:14:49,570 - No, I don't. - Yeah, you do. 336 00:14:49,570 --> 00:14:50,570 I got spot where everybody goes to the bathroom 337 00:14:50,570 --> 00:14:52,660 because they don't got food with their drinks. 338 00:14:52,660 --> 00:14:55,950 Hey, Gabe, that is not how a bladder functions. 339 00:14:55,950 --> 00:14:56,660 Shut up, Edgar. 340 00:14:56,660 --> 00:14:58,370 I'm Jewish, you're Mexican, 341 00:14:58,370 --> 00:14:59,750 which automatically makes me closer 342 00:14:59,750 --> 00:15:00,790 to being a doctor than you. 343 00:15:00,790 --> 00:15:02,880 But if it's any consolation, I will defer to you 344 00:15:02,880 --> 00:15:05,170 with any questions about selling bags of oranges by the highway. 345 00:15:05,170 --> 00:15:06,670 Listen to you guys. 346 00:15:06,670 --> 00:15:09,970 You sound like a bunch of hens. Shut the fuck up! 347 00:15:09,970 --> 00:15:12,180 If you don't like where you're placed, 348 00:15:12,180 --> 00:15:13,510 you know that Argus or Mule Deer 349 00:15:13,510 --> 00:15:17,520 would be happy to take any one of those spots. 350 00:15:17,520 --> 00:15:21,060 We're just saying, shouldn't it be some sort of pecking order 351 00:15:21,060 --> 00:15:22,810 based off time put in at the club? 352 00:15:22,810 --> 00:15:24,520 Oh, there is a pecking order. 353 00:15:24,520 --> 00:15:27,070 It goes me, you. 354 00:15:27,070 --> 00:15:28,190 You got your lineup, ladies. Out. 355 00:15:28,190 --> 00:15:30,950 That's some bullshit. 356 00:15:30,950 --> 00:15:33,990 Stop saying "we're just saying," when it's you just saying shit. 357 00:15:33,990 --> 00:15:35,910 Oh, like you like this lineup? 358 00:15:35,910 --> 00:15:38,540 Now, either all these guys have the same handwriting, 359 00:15:38,540 --> 00:15:42,670 or somebody signing their friends up for open mic. 360 00:15:42,670 --> 00:15:45,880 Wish I could find that guy and tell him to sign me the fuck up. 361 00:15:45,880 --> 00:15:47,040 I was the exact same way. 362 00:15:47,040 --> 00:15:49,260 I was on that list every week 363 00:15:49,260 --> 00:15:50,470 and now look at me. 364 00:15:50,470 --> 00:15:52,760 I got the main room whenever I want it. 365 00:15:52,760 --> 00:15:55,010 As long as it's ten minutes before closing. 366 00:15:55,010 --> 00:15:56,850 Yeah. 367 00:15:56,850 --> 00:15:58,350 Goldie wants to see you in her office. 368 00:15:58,350 --> 00:16:00,730 Wait, Goldie wants to see me? Why? 369 00:16:00,730 --> 00:16:02,890 She said something about liking your shoes. 370 00:16:02,890 --> 00:16:04,520 My shoes? 371 00:16:04,520 --> 00:16:05,560 Wait. Really? 372 00:16:05,560 --> 00:16:06,560 Just go see her. 373 00:16:08,690 --> 00:16:09,900 Well, I feel like I'm going to the principal's office 374 00:16:09,900 --> 00:16:12,110 or some shit now. 375 00:16:12,110 --> 00:16:13,610 Wish I had an apple to give her. 376 00:16:13,610 --> 00:16:15,870 Goldie doesn't get apples. She gives them. 377 00:16:15,870 --> 00:16:17,120 Ooh, like Eve. Got it. 378 00:16:17,120 --> 00:16:18,910 Or the witch in Snow White. 379 00:16:18,910 --> 00:16:21,200 Pick your poison. 380 00:16:26,580 --> 00:16:27,750 Yep? 381 00:16:27,750 --> 00:16:29,840 Hey, you wanted to see me? 382 00:16:29,840 --> 00:16:31,460 Oh, hey, come in. 383 00:16:34,260 --> 00:16:37,760 Caught your act the other night. 384 00:16:37,760 --> 00:16:41,390 Yeah? 385 00:16:41,390 --> 00:16:43,060 Funny. 386 00:16:43,060 --> 00:16:46,100 Thank you. I mean, it was a rough night, but I thought... 387 00:16:46,100 --> 00:16:49,230 That handyman bit... is it true? 388 00:16:49,230 --> 00:16:50,610 Yeah. 389 00:16:50,610 --> 00:16:52,440 I mean, I think all the best comedy 390 00:16:52,440 --> 00:16:53,820 comes from a core of reality... 391 00:16:53,820 --> 00:16:54,700 That's great. I have some work for you 392 00:16:54,700 --> 00:16:58,030 at the the house if you're interested. 393 00:17:01,330 --> 00:17:04,370 Yeah, yeah, yeah, of... of course. 394 00:17:04,370 --> 00:17:05,460 Great. 395 00:17:05,460 --> 00:17:07,500 Monday morning, bright and early. 396 00:17:07,500 --> 00:17:09,380 Arnie'll give you the address. 397 00:17:09,380 --> 00:17:10,130 All right. 398 00:17:10,130 --> 00:17:13,970 ♪ Pensive music ♪ 399 00:17:13,970 --> 00:17:17,010 ♪ 400 00:17:17,010 --> 00:17:18,680 So we need jobs 401 00:17:18,680 --> 00:17:21,970 if we're gonna keep enjoying this extravagant lifestyle 402 00:17:21,970 --> 00:17:25,350 of living in a closet and eating stolen snack food. 403 00:17:25,350 --> 00:17:27,650 Do you... do you know of anything 404 00:17:27,650 --> 00:17:30,310 or maybe something at your work or...? 405 00:17:30,310 --> 00:17:30,900 Mm... 406 00:17:30,900 --> 00:17:32,980 not really. 407 00:17:32,980 --> 00:17:33,900 No. 408 00:17:33,900 --> 00:17:37,950 Mm, I can keep my ears open, though. 409 00:17:37,950 --> 00:17:38,820 Where you... 410 00:17:38,820 --> 00:17:41,330 Where do you work, again, exactly... 411 00:17:41,330 --> 00:17:43,450 that I would like to work also? 412 00:17:44,580 --> 00:17:47,120 Stefan Hatos-Monty Hall Productions... 413 00:17:47,120 --> 00:17:49,210 The people who do Let's Make a Deal. 414 00:17:49,210 --> 00:17:50,670 I'm an usher currently, 415 00:17:50,670 --> 00:17:53,800 but I'm hoping to one day be a presenter. 416 00:17:53,800 --> 00:17:55,460 And what would that entail? 417 00:17:55,460 --> 00:17:58,800 So say that Monty is telling a contestant 418 00:17:58,800 --> 00:17:59,590 that they won a refrigerator. 419 00:17:59,590 --> 00:18:02,350 When Jay is giving all the details, 420 00:18:02,350 --> 00:18:05,350 Carol Merrill, who is the nicest person in real life, 421 00:18:05,350 --> 00:18:09,650 she presents the item, like so... 422 00:18:12,860 --> 00:18:13,270 What do you think? 423 00:18:13,270 --> 00:18:15,190 I think... 424 00:18:15,190 --> 00:18:16,030 I think you got to raise your arms up higher, 425 00:18:16,030 --> 00:18:18,610 because the freezer... 426 00:18:18,610 --> 00:18:20,620 that's what people really care about. 427 00:18:20,620 --> 00:18:21,700 So like...? 428 00:18:23,870 --> 00:18:25,410 Perfect. 429 00:18:25,410 --> 00:18:27,870 ♪ Lively funk music ♪ 430 00:18:27,870 --> 00:18:32,500 ♪ 431 00:18:32,500 --> 00:18:34,210 Bill, what material you doing tonight? 432 00:18:34,210 --> 00:18:36,710 Why don't you watch me and see? 433 00:18:36,710 --> 00:18:38,220 I just think it sucks you can't do your A stuff. 434 00:18:38,220 --> 00:18:41,050 The abortion bit kills, 435 00:18:41,050 --> 00:18:43,100 but, you know, TV, right? 436 00:18:43,100 --> 00:18:45,850 Not that I don't like your family stuff, it's good. 437 00:18:45,850 --> 00:18:47,430 It's a solid B. 438 00:18:47,430 --> 00:18:48,770 ♪ 439 00:18:48,770 --> 00:18:51,940 Sully, is that what they're wearing on the bench? 440 00:18:51,940 --> 00:18:54,070 Jesus. 441 00:18:54,070 --> 00:18:56,400 ♪ 442 00:18:56,400 --> 00:18:58,690 Gabe... let's go get stoned. 443 00:18:58,690 --> 00:19:00,280 Why the fuck would I want to get stoned 444 00:19:00,280 --> 00:19:01,240 - before I go up? - Whoa! 445 00:19:01,240 --> 00:19:03,870 No need to take my head off. 446 00:19:03,870 --> 00:19:04,530 I just know you're under a lot of pressure, 447 00:19:04,530 --> 00:19:06,870 and I want to help you out. 448 00:19:06,870 --> 00:19:09,660 You know your shit does not play well when you're like this. 449 00:19:11,120 --> 00:19:13,750 One fucking word, Edgar, 450 00:19:13,750 --> 00:19:17,920 and you'll be sipping your next burrito through a straw. 451 00:19:17,920 --> 00:19:20,170 So Goldie wanted you to come up to her house 452 00:19:20,170 --> 00:19:22,640 so you could do some handyman work? 453 00:19:22,640 --> 00:19:24,100 And I'm up here thinking she gonna 454 00:19:24,100 --> 00:19:25,140 give me The Cellar or some shit. 455 00:19:25,140 --> 00:19:26,560 - Right. - Nope. 456 00:19:26,560 --> 00:19:28,270 Coo-coo-catchoo, Mrs. Jackie Robinson. 457 00:19:28,270 --> 00:19:30,430 Okay, it's not like that. Is it? 458 00:19:30,430 --> 00:19:32,690 Well, maybe it's like an audition. 459 00:19:32,690 --> 00:19:34,150 For your cock. 460 00:19:34,150 --> 00:19:34,940 No, she already said you were funny, right? 461 00:19:34,940 --> 00:19:36,770 Now she's trying to see how funny. 462 00:19:36,770 --> 00:19:39,110 She's all buddy-buddy with these shitheads. 463 00:19:39,110 --> 00:19:39,780 And maybe that's how she does it. 464 00:19:39,780 --> 00:19:41,610 - Go wow her. - Mm. 465 00:19:41,610 --> 00:19:42,110 With your cock. 466 00:19:42,110 --> 00:19:44,070 What the fuck? 467 00:19:44,070 --> 00:19:45,120 Were you including me 468 00:19:45,120 --> 00:19:47,080 when you were talking about those shitheads? 469 00:19:47,080 --> 00:19:49,450 Because, frankly, I would love to be promoted 470 00:19:49,450 --> 00:19:51,120 from peon to shithead. 471 00:19:51,120 --> 00:19:53,790 Well, you know Goldie and I are on a first-name basis now. 472 00:19:53,790 --> 00:19:55,170 Yeah. 473 00:19:55,170 --> 00:19:55,920 Of course, she thinks that name is "Freddie." 474 00:19:55,920 --> 00:19:57,670 Wait. Your name isn't Freddie? 475 00:19:57,670 --> 00:19:59,630 Not to interrupt your mutual attempts at banter, 476 00:19:59,630 --> 00:20:01,380 but there appears to be a shithead in distress 477 00:20:01,380 --> 00:20:05,140 waving you over as we speak. 478 00:20:05,140 --> 00:20:08,970 Excuse me. 479 00:20:11,060 --> 00:20:12,020 Hey. 480 00:20:12,020 --> 00:20:14,310 Hi. 481 00:20:14,310 --> 00:20:15,730 I'm going with the Picasso bit. 482 00:20:15,730 --> 00:20:17,110 What? Why? 483 00:20:17,110 --> 00:20:17,820 Because Edgar said my family shit is lame, 484 00:20:17,820 --> 00:20:20,070 and he's right... it is lame. 485 00:20:20,070 --> 00:20:21,440 And the Picasso bit is raw, but that doesn't even matter. 486 00:20:21,440 --> 00:20:22,650 - Okay, stop... - No, listen... 487 00:20:22,650 --> 00:20:23,740 - No. Stop. - Listen... 488 00:20:23,740 --> 00:20:27,200 You know the only word I heard you say was "Edgar." 489 00:20:27,200 --> 00:20:28,700 You know Edgar. 490 00:20:28,700 --> 00:20:31,080 He makes his living messing with people's minds. 491 00:20:31,080 --> 00:20:33,210 The Picasso bit is gonna be great, 492 00:20:33,210 --> 00:20:34,670 but it's a work in progress, 493 00:20:34,670 --> 00:20:36,500 and you always kill with your family stuff. 494 00:20:36,500 --> 00:20:39,630 And you're gonna kill it tonight. 495 00:20:43,220 --> 00:20:47,010 Fucking Edgar. 496 00:20:47,010 --> 00:20:48,140 You're right. 497 00:20:48,140 --> 00:20:53,180 It's nice having a girlfriend who's a comedian. 498 00:20:53,180 --> 00:20:55,270 Hey, fuck off. Have a good set. 499 00:20:58,690 --> 00:21:00,860 I can't get used to the size of things out here. 500 00:21:00,860 --> 00:21:03,570 I went to this Beverly Hills public pool. 501 00:21:03,570 --> 00:21:06,160 Big pool, not crowded... 502 00:21:06,160 --> 00:21:07,200 also, not public. 503 00:21:10,280 --> 00:21:12,370 Turns out I was in someone else's backyard. 504 00:21:12,370 --> 00:21:16,040 They had me arrested for trespassing. 505 00:21:16,040 --> 00:21:18,290 But where I'm from, if you got a yard that big, 506 00:21:18,290 --> 00:21:20,710 you already in jail. 507 00:21:22,250 --> 00:21:23,460 You know, I admire the Civil Rights movement. 508 00:21:23,460 --> 00:21:25,970 I don't know how they did it. 509 00:21:25,970 --> 00:21:28,800 You know, could you imagine Jews rioting? 510 00:21:29,930 --> 00:21:32,060 Oh, all that fire, the heat. 511 00:21:32,060 --> 00:21:33,680 Ugh. 512 00:21:33,680 --> 00:21:35,390 Throw a couple German Shepherds in there, 513 00:21:35,390 --> 00:21:37,690 not exactly a breed we gravitate to. 514 00:21:39,400 --> 00:21:41,520 Ugh, but protesting on the other hand. 515 00:21:41,520 --> 00:21:43,230 Protesting is something Jews might actually excel at, 516 00:21:43,230 --> 00:21:45,690 because protesting... 517 00:21:45,690 --> 00:21:47,660 Basically organized complaining. 518 00:21:48,570 --> 00:21:49,740 You know? What do we want? 519 00:21:49,740 --> 00:21:51,870 Freedom. When do we want it? 520 00:21:51,870 --> 00:21:53,910 I don't know. I'm just worried. 521 00:21:54,910 --> 00:21:56,540 I'm not married. 522 00:21:56,540 --> 00:21:58,170 I don't like the idea of marriage, you know? 523 00:21:58,170 --> 00:22:00,380 I find the anniversary gifts a real turnoff. 524 00:22:00,380 --> 00:22:01,250 First year, paper. Second year, cotton. 525 00:22:01,250 --> 00:22:03,590 Third year, leather. 526 00:22:03,590 --> 00:22:04,622 Sounds like a suicide kit. 527 00:22:05,590 --> 00:22:08,050 Paper to write the suicide note with. 528 00:22:08,050 --> 00:22:09,930 "Thanks for the cotton last year, honey, 529 00:22:09,930 --> 00:22:12,220 and this year for the belt to hang myself with." 530 00:22:13,140 --> 00:22:15,600 I think we need to update this list, right? 531 00:22:15,600 --> 00:22:17,770 First year, peace. Second year, quiet. 532 00:22:17,770 --> 00:22:20,060 Third year, fix me up with your sister. 533 00:22:21,310 --> 00:22:24,280 Don't fuck me on this intro. Just keep it short and sweet. 534 00:22:24,280 --> 00:22:25,900 "Very funny man, Edgar Martinez." 535 00:22:25,900 --> 00:22:27,780 Yeah, I'm not really big on lying to the public. 536 00:22:27,780 --> 00:22:29,110 Okay, just do what I ask, and I'll do you the favor 537 00:22:29,110 --> 00:22:32,070 of swatting away all the pigs that fly out of Goldie's ass 538 00:22:32,070 --> 00:22:34,080 - when you get your big break. - That's my time. 539 00:22:34,080 --> 00:22:35,620 - Thank you guys so much. - Douche. 540 00:22:38,000 --> 00:22:41,130 Bill Hobbs, ladies and gentlemen, Bill Hobbs! 541 00:22:41,130 --> 00:22:43,540 Are you guys having a good time tonight, huh? 542 00:22:43,540 --> 00:22:44,500 Whoo! 543 00:22:44,500 --> 00:22:46,340 Good, good, good, good! 544 00:22:46,340 --> 00:22:48,300 I know this guy is, 'cause, wow, look at his date. 545 00:22:48,300 --> 00:22:50,470 She is gorgeous. And he is not. 546 00:22:50,470 --> 00:22:53,050 Whoo-ah! God, the power of Christ compels you. 547 00:22:53,050 --> 00:22:54,600 Don't look straight into his eyes. 548 00:22:54,600 --> 00:22:55,970 When I look at this couple, I-I feel that 549 00:22:55,970 --> 00:22:57,350 a short straw somehow played a role in this. 550 00:22:57,350 --> 00:22:58,810 Did you lose a bet? 551 00:22:58,810 --> 00:23:01,770 Are you... are you... Is there a gun under the table? 552 00:23:01,770 --> 00:23:02,810 Guys, don't feel bad for her. She charges by the pound. 553 00:23:02,810 --> 00:23:04,900 She's doing great. 554 00:23:04,900 --> 00:23:08,360 Is this your daughter, or... or are you just rich? 555 00:23:08,360 --> 00:23:09,400 - Both. - Both! Nice! 556 00:23:09,400 --> 00:23:11,570 Well, a follow-up question... Are you single? 557 00:23:11,570 --> 00:23:13,280 Because I'm looking for a sugar daddy-in-law. 558 00:23:13,280 --> 00:23:15,240 Yeah? She's not answering. She'll tell me later. 559 00:23:15,240 --> 00:23:15,950 All right, guys, let's move on. 560 00:23:15,950 --> 00:23:17,870 We have got a guy coming up. 561 00:23:17,870 --> 00:23:19,620 He is Mexican. That's his act. Good night. 562 00:23:21,000 --> 00:23:22,290 No, I'm kidding, kidding. 563 00:23:22,290 --> 00:23:23,460 Seriously, uh, this guy is great. 564 00:23:23,460 --> 00:23:25,000 If life is a potluck, he only brought the guacamole. 565 00:23:25,000 --> 00:23:27,170 He's straight out of the mean streets of Brentwood, 566 00:23:27,170 --> 00:23:31,930 here to tell you how Mexicans are different, Edgar Martinez! 567 00:23:32,760 --> 00:23:35,800 - You are a dead man. - Blow me. 568 00:23:38,770 --> 00:23:39,350 Hey. 569 00:23:39,350 --> 00:23:42,350 We are. 570 00:23:42,350 --> 00:23:44,730 We are... We are different, right? 571 00:23:44,730 --> 00:23:47,400 For example, when Mexicans go to the store, 572 00:23:47,400 --> 00:23:49,280 we bring the whole family. 573 00:23:51,610 --> 00:23:52,910 Uh... 574 00:23:52,910 --> 00:23:53,610 We want to br... buy some cottage cheese, 575 00:23:53,610 --> 00:23:57,410 we put it up to a vote. 576 00:23:57,410 --> 00:23:59,040 And everybody can only get one thing, 577 00:23:59,040 --> 00:24:02,330 'cause we don't have much room in the car. 578 00:24:02,330 --> 00:24:05,000 Right, everybody's holding one grape. 579 00:24:07,540 --> 00:24:09,420 Then we got to go back, 580 00:24:09,420 --> 00:24:11,840 get some more stuff. 581 00:24:11,840 --> 00:24:13,720 You don't do crowd work during a showcase. 582 00:24:13,720 --> 00:24:15,220 Hey, hey, hey! 583 00:24:15,220 --> 00:24:17,510 Unwritten rule number seven, written right here! 584 00:24:17,510 --> 00:24:18,510 I got laughs! You didn't! 585 00:24:18,510 --> 00:24:20,270 I should have had your fucking spot, man! 586 00:24:20,270 --> 00:24:21,730 Yeah? Fucking insulting the comic 587 00:24:21,730 --> 00:24:24,060 you're bringing up, you motherfucker! 588 00:24:29,230 --> 00:24:30,280 Is this still a fight? 589 00:24:30,280 --> 00:24:32,360 It's starting to look like how babies are made. 590 00:24:32,360 --> 00:24:33,400 Yeah, this was my shot. 591 00:24:33,400 --> 00:24:35,160 You never had a shot, Edgar! Ha ha! 592 00:24:35,160 --> 00:24:36,410 Because you fucked it up! 593 00:24:36,410 --> 00:24:39,080 Get the fuck off of him! 594 00:24:39,080 --> 00:24:40,290 What the... 595 00:24:40,290 --> 00:24:41,700 What the hell was that out there? 596 00:24:41,700 --> 00:24:42,450 I was just amping 'em up. 597 00:24:42,450 --> 00:24:44,540 More like fucking him up. 598 00:24:44,540 --> 00:24:46,420 Thank you, Goldie. 599 00:24:46,420 --> 00:24:48,540 D... 600 00:24:48,540 --> 00:24:49,960 Bill, Monday morning, 601 00:24:49,960 --> 00:24:52,420 Ten a. m. Butterman's office. 602 00:24:52,420 --> 00:24:54,550 Are you shitting me? 603 00:24:54,550 --> 00:24:57,260 Congratulations, Billy. 604 00:24:57,260 --> 00:24:58,180 Okay! 605 00:24:58,180 --> 00:25:00,430 Okay, all right. You two settle down. 606 00:25:00,430 --> 00:25:03,180 Holy shit. Holy shit. 607 00:25:03,180 --> 00:25:04,940 This isn't over, asshole. 608 00:25:04,940 --> 00:25:06,100 You punch like it's the second day of your period. 609 00:25:06,100 --> 00:25:08,060 - Yeah, fuck you. - Easy. 610 00:25:11,110 --> 00:25:12,480 Congratulations. 611 00:25:12,480 --> 00:25:13,900 Fucking... 612 00:25:13,900 --> 00:25:16,320 No. 613 00:25:29,790 --> 00:25:33,630 What, are you coming from church? 614 00:25:33,630 --> 00:25:36,470 N-no, no, no, I have a T-shirt on under this. 615 00:25:36,470 --> 00:25:37,300 I just wasn't sure of what... 616 00:25:37,300 --> 00:25:41,100 The dress code? 617 00:25:41,100 --> 00:25:44,220 You're painting a room, not taking it out to dinner. 618 00:25:48,650 --> 00:25:52,730 All this pink, I want it gone. 619 00:25:52,730 --> 00:25:54,320 We're going olive. 620 00:25:54,320 --> 00:25:56,490 My little sister's room used to look just like this. 621 00:25:56,490 --> 00:26:00,160 My daughter's room. 622 00:26:00,160 --> 00:26:03,490 Little girls and pink. 623 00:26:03,490 --> 00:26:04,330 This is probably the first time, huh? 624 00:26:04,330 --> 00:26:06,120 What? 625 00:26:06,120 --> 00:26:09,170 I was just thinking that it's probably the first time 626 00:26:09,170 --> 00:26:12,000 that a white woman has ever wanted a black man 627 00:26:12,000 --> 00:26:14,460 in her daughter's bedroom. 628 00:26:18,470 --> 00:26:19,510 So your daughter likes olive now, huh? 629 00:26:19,510 --> 00:26:20,840 Hates it. 630 00:26:20,840 --> 00:26:23,510 You'll find what you need in the garage. 631 00:26:23,510 --> 00:26:25,060 Anything you want to eat, you help yourself in the kitchen. 632 00:26:25,060 --> 00:26:27,480 I'll be down at the club, you need me. 633 00:26:34,730 --> 00:26:35,820 What do you think? 634 00:26:35,820 --> 00:26:38,860 Well, that depends. 635 00:26:38,860 --> 00:26:41,820 Are you going skiing or gonna blow Dick Cavett? 636 00:26:41,820 --> 00:26:43,200 Oh, Dick and I were gonna ski first, 637 00:26:43,200 --> 00:26:43,870 but I do usually blow him when we're done. 638 00:26:43,870 --> 00:26:45,910 Well, then you look great. 639 00:26:45,910 --> 00:26:47,290 So that's a no to the turtleneck. 640 00:26:47,290 --> 00:26:50,370 Well, actually, that's a fuck, no, but I'm a lady. 641 00:26:50,370 --> 00:26:52,290 You still haven't told me what Butterman said. 642 00:26:54,090 --> 00:26:55,880 "I saw your 15. Now do your best six. 643 00:26:55,880 --> 00:26:57,630 Buy a suit. 644 00:26:57,630 --> 00:26:59,220 You look like you play for a women's softball team." 645 00:26:59,220 --> 00:27:01,090 And then some quick story about how he one time 646 00:27:01,090 --> 00:27:02,890 saw Joni Mitchell peeing outdoors while standing up. 647 00:27:02,890 --> 00:27:05,510 - Way to bury the lede. - Mm. 648 00:27:05,510 --> 00:27:06,600 Also, Dionne Warwick is hosting. 649 00:27:06,600 --> 00:27:10,560 And apparently she finds excessive eye contact crass. 650 00:27:10,560 --> 00:27:12,400 Well, I'm still very happy for you 651 00:27:12,400 --> 00:27:13,432 despite your many hurdles. 652 00:27:14,980 --> 00:27:17,780 My dad and my sister are coming out. 653 00:27:17,780 --> 00:27:19,240 Wow. 654 00:27:19,240 --> 00:27:22,530 I'm kind of excited to meet your dad. 655 00:27:22,530 --> 00:27:24,580 Yeah, I don't know why I told them. 656 00:27:24,580 --> 00:27:25,450 Because this is your moment, 657 00:27:25,450 --> 00:27:27,620 and you want the people that matter most 658 00:27:27,620 --> 00:27:29,910 to be there for you. 659 00:27:29,910 --> 00:27:31,920 Oh, you're gonna be there, huh? 660 00:27:31,920 --> 00:27:32,960 I'll think about it if you lose that turtleneck. 661 00:27:32,960 --> 00:27:36,250 What you need is a groovy shirt. 662 00:27:36,250 --> 00:27:38,420 ♪ 663 00:27:38,420 --> 00:27:39,420 I'm gonna take the suit, 664 00:27:39,420 --> 00:27:42,800 but I'll need the alterations done quickly. 665 00:27:42,800 --> 00:27:44,930 I got Midnight Special. 666 00:27:44,930 --> 00:27:47,260 Uh, the suit's not on special. 667 00:27:47,260 --> 00:27:48,600 Sorry. 668 00:27:48,600 --> 00:27:51,730 No, uh, it's a... 669 00:27:51,730 --> 00:27:52,600 It's a television show, Midnight Special. 670 00:27:52,600 --> 00:27:54,650 I'm gonna be on it. 671 00:27:54,650 --> 00:27:57,570 Oh, I don't watch television. 672 00:27:57,570 --> 00:27:58,980 Right. 673 00:28:00,610 --> 00:28:02,860 I think we can just put it on the... like, the cuff here. 674 00:28:02,860 --> 00:28:04,700 It has to make... Be, like, flashy, make noise. 675 00:28:04,700 --> 00:28:07,030 - It's itchy. It's itchy. - Okay, this one you don't need. 676 00:28:07,030 --> 00:28:08,790 What, you got kin coming up from Tennessee? 677 00:28:08,790 --> 00:28:10,830 No, dude, Maggie pulled some strings 678 00:28:10,830 --> 00:28:12,370 and got us on Let's Make a Deal. 679 00:28:12,370 --> 00:28:13,620 Jobs? 680 00:28:13,620 --> 00:28:14,540 Even better... contestants. 681 00:28:14,540 --> 00:28:16,630 - What? - Yeah, and I got you costumes. 682 00:28:16,630 --> 00:28:18,130 People just leave them in the Dumpster behind the studio. 683 00:28:18,130 --> 00:28:20,800 Yeah, you smell like desperation and mouse urine. 684 00:28:20,800 --> 00:28:22,630 No, Z, this could be big, okay? 685 00:28:22,630 --> 00:28:24,550 We're on the trading floor. All we got to do is get picked. 686 00:28:24,550 --> 00:28:25,430 Wait. We... we got to get picked? 687 00:28:25,430 --> 00:28:26,470 Yeah. Do you even watch the show? 688 00:28:26,470 --> 00:28:29,140 No. 689 00:28:29,140 --> 00:28:30,220 Well, then you don't know how incredible this is. 690 00:28:30,220 --> 00:28:31,640 You could win a dining-room set 691 00:28:31,640 --> 00:28:33,480 or patio furniture. 692 00:28:33,480 --> 00:28:35,650 Oh, great. 693 00:28:35,650 --> 00:28:36,360 We can be comfortable while we starve. 694 00:28:36,360 --> 00:28:38,400 No, dude, a-anything we win, 695 00:28:38,400 --> 00:28:39,820 we're gonna sell and use to buy food. 696 00:28:39,820 --> 00:28:41,650 It's all about the cash value. 697 00:28:41,650 --> 00:28:43,530 Yeah, and don't forget to bring a hard-boiled egg. 698 00:28:43,530 --> 00:28:44,530 What? Why? 699 00:28:44,530 --> 00:28:45,990 Because Monty's gonna ask you for random shit, 700 00:28:45,990 --> 00:28:48,620 and then give you 50 bucks for it. 701 00:28:48,620 --> 00:28:51,580 And hard-boiled eggs are his go-to item. 702 00:28:51,580 --> 00:28:54,620 This is a fucking ridiculous plan. 703 00:28:55,710 --> 00:28:58,500 These people, dressed as they are, 704 00:28:58,500 --> 00:29:02,170 come from all over the United States to make deals. 705 00:29:02,170 --> 00:29:04,840 Here in the market place of America, 706 00:29:04,840 --> 00:29:08,640 Let's Make a Deal! 707 00:29:11,140 --> 00:29:15,690 And now here's America's top trader, 708 00:29:15,690 --> 00:29:17,690 TV's big dealer, 709 00:29:17,690 --> 00:29:21,730 Monty Hall! 710 00:29:24,700 --> 00:29:26,860 Thank you. 711 00:29:26,860 --> 00:29:27,530 Me make-em big deal. 712 00:29:27,530 --> 00:29:30,030 Yay. 713 00:29:30,030 --> 00:29:31,790 I have some reservations about this one... 714 00:29:31,790 --> 00:29:33,700 Unless you want space food sticks for dinner, get excited. 715 00:29:33,700 --> 00:29:36,040 Monty only chooses excited people. 716 00:29:36,040 --> 00:29:37,080 Like I already don't hate myself enough. 717 00:29:37,080 --> 00:29:39,750 The yolk's on you, my friend. 718 00:29:39,750 --> 00:29:42,420 All right. Let's see. 719 00:29:42,420 --> 00:29:43,380 What do we have here? What do we have here? 720 00:29:43,380 --> 00:29:47,680 What's that? "Not scared to crow for a deal." 721 00:29:47,680 --> 00:29:49,140 I'm not, Monty. 722 00:29:49,140 --> 00:29:50,140 All right. 723 00:29:50,140 --> 00:29:51,720 Ron Shack. Good name. 724 00:29:51,720 --> 00:29:54,100 Uh, Ron Shack, will you crow for me? 725 00:29:54,100 --> 00:29:56,270 Caw, caw! 726 00:29:56,270 --> 00:29:57,690 Not bad. Come on. 727 00:29:59,060 --> 00:30:01,400 We just moved here from Boston. 728 00:30:01,400 --> 00:30:02,900 I mean, I'm originally from Tennessee, 729 00:30:02,900 --> 00:30:04,740 but we moved there when I was, like, 15. 730 00:30:04,740 --> 00:30:06,820 Okay, you and the... Uh, the sunflower? 731 00:30:06,820 --> 00:30:08,410 No, no, he's... 732 00:30:08,410 --> 00:30:10,700 He was... the sunflower was always from Boston. 733 00:30:10,700 --> 00:30:11,740 All right. And who do we have here? 734 00:30:11,740 --> 00:30:14,620 Uh, Eddie... 735 00:30:14,620 --> 00:30:15,750 Show him your thing. 736 00:30:15,750 --> 00:30:16,410 Uh, Eddie Zeidel. Is that correct? 737 00:30:16,410 --> 00:30:18,710 That's close enough, Monty! 738 00:30:18,710 --> 00:30:19,880 All right. 739 00:30:19,880 --> 00:30:20,580 Well, Ron and Eddie from Boston 740 00:30:20,580 --> 00:30:22,130 and formerly from Tennessee, 741 00:30:22,130 --> 00:30:24,000 do either of you have a hard-boiled egg? 742 00:30:24,000 --> 00:30:25,420 We do! We do, Monty. 743 00:30:25,420 --> 00:30:27,880 Give him the egg. 744 00:30:27,880 --> 00:30:29,930 I ate it. I ate it. 745 00:30:29,930 --> 00:30:31,350 What? 746 00:30:31,350 --> 00:30:34,060 I didn't think that was a real thing. 747 00:30:34,060 --> 00:30:36,100 Monty, we had an egg, I promise. 748 00:30:36,100 --> 00:30:37,640 I'm so sorry, but he ate it. 749 00:30:37,640 --> 00:30:38,890 All right, well... 750 00:30:38,890 --> 00:30:41,190 Well, don't worry because I have something else planned. 751 00:30:41,190 --> 00:30:44,820 Jay, let's bring down the register. 752 00:30:44,820 --> 00:30:47,610 Thank you, Jay. 753 00:30:47,610 --> 00:30:49,780 Now, Ron, would you like to push a button? 754 00:30:49,780 --> 00:30:50,780 Yes, absolutely, Monty! 755 00:30:52,120 --> 00:30:54,410 Whoo! 756 00:30:54,410 --> 00:30:56,040 Two hundred dollars! 757 00:30:56,040 --> 00:30:58,460 That's right, $200. 758 00:30:58,460 --> 00:31:01,250 What do we have here? 759 00:31:01,250 --> 00:31:02,710 One, two... 760 00:31:02,710 --> 00:31:05,630 ♪ upbeat rock music ♪ 761 00:31:05,630 --> 00:31:07,630 ♪ 762 00:31:07,630 --> 00:31:09,800 Hey. 763 00:31:09,800 --> 00:31:12,050 You want this? 764 00:31:12,050 --> 00:31:15,560 Ah, no such thing as a free lunch, my friend. 765 00:31:15,560 --> 00:31:20,560 ♪ 766 00:31:26,150 --> 00:31:27,900 I'm not too sure about what I'm eating, 767 00:31:27,900 --> 00:31:29,820 but it's good. 768 00:31:29,820 --> 00:31:33,280 It's liverwurst. 769 00:31:33,280 --> 00:31:34,907 I think that's what my granddad died from. 770 00:31:39,910 --> 00:31:43,210 Because he... He used to drink and... 771 00:31:50,800 --> 00:31:52,680 So why do you have an empty birdcage? 772 00:31:52,680 --> 00:31:55,800 Bird died. 773 00:31:56,380 --> 00:31:57,380 Oh. 774 00:32:02,690 --> 00:32:06,190 Had it eight years. 775 00:32:06,190 --> 00:32:09,690 It was a birthday gift to my daughter, for her ninth. 776 00:32:14,030 --> 00:32:17,030 So what did you do with it? 777 00:32:17,030 --> 00:32:18,700 What, the parakeet? 778 00:32:18,700 --> 00:32:20,120 Flushed it. What else do you do with a dead bird? 779 00:32:20,120 --> 00:32:23,500 Right. 780 00:32:36,260 --> 00:32:39,220 So why are you painting your daughter's room 781 00:32:39,220 --> 00:32:41,560 a color that she doesn't like? 782 00:32:43,730 --> 00:32:45,650 Not her room anymore. 783 00:32:51,280 --> 00:32:55,450 Did she go off to college or something? 784 00:33:11,590 --> 00:33:12,590 Hello? 785 00:33:14,260 --> 00:33:17,090 Do not tell me that shit is still going on. 786 00:33:17,090 --> 00:33:19,260 Jesus Christ. 787 00:33:19,260 --> 00:33:22,390 I-I-I'll be right there. 788 00:33:22,390 --> 00:33:24,940 Fucking kids. 789 00:33:29,110 --> 00:33:31,730 Sully, you are telling me that Edgar 790 00:33:31,730 --> 00:33:34,190 had a bum shit in your car? 791 00:33:34,190 --> 00:33:36,910 One of the waitresses saw Edgar literally open the door 792 00:33:36,910 --> 00:33:38,410 and allow the bum into my car! 793 00:33:38,410 --> 00:33:39,950 How does she know I wasn't letting him out? 794 00:33:39,950 --> 00:33:41,280 - Shut up. - Enough. 795 00:33:41,280 --> 00:33:43,870 Let's get to the bigger point. 796 00:33:43,870 --> 00:33:45,830 Why the fuck are you involving me in this? 797 00:33:45,830 --> 00:33:46,710 Don't you think I have my own shit to deal with? 798 00:33:46,710 --> 00:33:48,630 Well, it happened in your parking lot, 799 00:33:48,630 --> 00:33:50,130 so I assume it's under your jurisdiction. 800 00:33:50,130 --> 00:33:51,290 Well, I think the burden of proof is on Sully. 801 00:33:51,290 --> 00:33:54,090 I mean, I deny ever telling a bum 802 00:33:54,090 --> 00:33:55,880 to shit in his front seat. 803 00:33:55,880 --> 00:33:58,680 I am willing to agree to the lesser charge 804 00:33:58,680 --> 00:34:01,970 of just feeding a bum Dinty Moore Beef Stew 805 00:34:01,970 --> 00:34:03,010 and pointing him towards his car. 806 00:34:03,010 --> 00:34:05,180 This fucking guy! See? Right there? He's saying it. 807 00:34:05,180 --> 00:34:06,560 That is enough. Stop. 808 00:34:06,560 --> 00:34:08,400 Sully, you brought this on yourself. 809 00:34:08,400 --> 00:34:09,560 Uh... 810 00:34:09,560 --> 00:34:10,190 "He's a Mexican, that's his act" 811 00:34:10,190 --> 00:34:13,110 is not an introduction. 812 00:34:13,110 --> 00:34:14,730 Edgar is a goddamn lunatic, 813 00:34:14,730 --> 00:34:15,990 - and you know it. - Hey. 814 00:34:15,990 --> 00:34:16,860 What'd you think was gonna happen? 815 00:34:16,860 --> 00:34:20,240 - I'm the victim here! - No, I am. 816 00:34:20,240 --> 00:34:22,990 And I don't want to hear another word about this. 817 00:34:25,330 --> 00:34:26,580 Here's Ron and Eddie, Ron and Eddie. 818 00:34:26,580 --> 00:34:27,790 Yeah, Monty! 819 00:34:27,790 --> 00:34:30,000 Tell me, boys, do you still have that $200, 820 00:34:30,000 --> 00:34:30,710 or did Eddie here eat it? 821 00:34:30,710 --> 00:34:32,500 No, no, no, we still have it. 822 00:34:32,500 --> 00:34:33,000 Yeah, no, I didn't eat that, Monty. 823 00:34:33,000 --> 00:34:35,340 All right. 824 00:34:35,340 --> 00:34:36,920 Well, would you like to trade that 200 bucks for 825 00:34:36,920 --> 00:34:39,182 what's behind the curtain where Carol Merrill is standing? 826 00:34:41,800 --> 00:34:43,680 Ron, we already have $200, 827 00:34:43,680 --> 00:34:45,140 and somebody just won a baby elephant, 828 00:34:45,140 --> 00:34:47,390 so let's just... Let's just pack it in, 829 00:34:47,390 --> 00:34:48,520 call it a day. 830 00:34:48,520 --> 00:34:50,190 We'll take the curtain, Monty. 831 00:34:50,190 --> 00:34:52,610 All right, for Ron and Eddie, what do we got? 832 00:34:54,940 --> 00:34:55,730 We have a billiard table. 833 00:34:55,730 --> 00:34:57,900 Jay? 834 00:34:57,900 --> 00:35:00,360 That's right. It's a brand-new billiard table, 835 00:35:00,360 --> 00:35:02,450 featuring a burn-resistant cloth surface, 836 00:35:02,450 --> 00:35:04,030 high-speed rubber cushions... 837 00:35:04,030 --> 00:35:05,790 Where are we putting that? 838 00:35:05,790 --> 00:35:07,200 Retail value. 839 00:35:07,200 --> 00:35:09,210 We sell that baby, we can eat for months. 840 00:35:09,210 --> 00:35:12,000 Manufactured in Costa Mesa, California, 841 00:35:12,000 --> 00:35:14,880 this beautiful billiard table retails 842 00:35:14,880 --> 00:35:18,050 for $1,895! 843 00:35:18,050 --> 00:35:22,090 - Yes! Yes! Yes! - Yes. 844 00:35:22,090 --> 00:35:23,600 Yes! Yes! 845 00:35:28,350 --> 00:35:30,690 - I'll get that. - Thanks. 846 00:35:32,730 --> 00:35:35,400 - You finally made it. - Oh, you finally made it. 847 00:35:35,400 --> 00:35:36,860 This is big, Billy. 848 00:35:36,860 --> 00:35:38,740 Yeah, it's not The Tonight Show, 849 00:35:38,740 --> 00:35:39,400 but if Dionne Warwick's doing it, 850 00:35:39,400 --> 00:35:41,740 it's got to mean something. 851 00:35:41,740 --> 00:35:44,240 That's all Dad's been talking about the whole trip... 852 00:35:44,240 --> 00:35:46,160 Dionne Warwick. 853 00:35:46,160 --> 00:35:47,910 She's a fine Negro singer, much better than the other one. 854 00:35:47,910 --> 00:35:50,750 I promised I would get her autograph for your mom, 855 00:35:50,750 --> 00:35:51,750 who sends her love, obviously. 856 00:35:51,750 --> 00:35:55,750 Yeah, uh, Cass, this is my dad, Warren, 857 00:35:55,750 --> 00:35:57,000 my sister, Susan. 858 00:35:57,000 --> 00:35:58,800 Hi, nice... Nice to meet you both. 859 00:35:58,800 --> 00:36:00,260 Nice to finally meet you. 860 00:36:00,260 --> 00:36:02,010 Bill goes on and on about you constantly. 861 00:36:02,010 --> 00:36:04,050 Is that so? 862 00:36:04,050 --> 00:36:05,850 It's not constantly. 863 00:36:05,850 --> 00:36:07,060 Bill... 864 00:36:07,060 --> 00:36:09,220 where are you manners? 865 00:36:09,220 --> 00:36:10,270 Uh, right, this is Sparky. 866 00:36:10,270 --> 00:36:12,480 And, uh, my dad brought him, even though I told him 867 00:36:12,480 --> 00:36:14,270 my apartment doesn't allow pets. 868 00:36:14,270 --> 00:36:15,940 Well, hell, what, you didn't think 869 00:36:15,940 --> 00:36:17,270 he would come to Hollywood to see his big-shot brother 870 00:36:17,270 --> 00:36:19,190 going up on the doodad show? 871 00:36:19,190 --> 00:36:21,570 He's not my brother. 872 00:36:21,570 --> 00:36:23,860 And it's, uh, Midnight Special. 873 00:36:23,860 --> 00:36:25,280 It's not the doodad show. 874 00:36:25,280 --> 00:36:27,120 Well, I actually just wanted to come and say hi. 875 00:36:27,120 --> 00:36:29,450 But I got to get to Goldie's. 876 00:36:29,450 --> 00:36:31,250 You're leaving? I ordered Chinese food for us. 877 00:36:31,250 --> 00:36:33,120 I know, but I'm going up tonight, 878 00:36:33,120 --> 00:36:35,670 and, you know, I got my three pairs of jeans to go through... 879 00:36:35,670 --> 00:36:38,130 Faded, really faded, and practically obscene. 880 00:36:38,130 --> 00:36:41,090 Goldie's is the comedy club where Bill practices. 881 00:36:41,090 --> 00:36:42,130 Performs. 882 00:36:42,130 --> 00:36:45,180 You a waitress, sweetie? 883 00:36:45,180 --> 00:36:47,260 I'm a comedian. 884 00:36:47,260 --> 00:36:48,300 Oh, I-I thought you were his girlfriend. 885 00:36:48,300 --> 00:36:51,640 She is. She's both. 886 00:36:51,640 --> 00:36:54,140 Well, can we come see you? 887 00:36:54,140 --> 00:36:55,650 I'm not on till really late. 888 00:36:55,650 --> 00:36:57,650 I don't... I don't get the good time slots yet. 889 00:36:57,650 --> 00:36:59,650 I'm... I'm still working my way up to where Bill is. 890 00:36:59,650 --> 00:37:01,610 Hmm. You sure that's the direction? 891 00:37:01,610 --> 00:37:03,820 Just busting your grapes, Billy. 892 00:37:03,820 --> 00:37:06,820 Anyhow, it was very nice to meet you both. 893 00:37:06,820 --> 00:37:08,200 Yeah, and we'll see you at the show... 894 00:37:08,200 --> 00:37:09,330 Bill's show, I mean. 895 00:37:09,330 --> 00:37:12,120 Yeah, the doodad show. 896 00:37:12,120 --> 00:37:13,790 Definitely. 897 00:37:13,790 --> 00:37:14,960 Bye. 898 00:37:18,670 --> 00:37:21,210 She seems like a really sweet girl. 899 00:37:21,210 --> 00:37:24,550 I never had a Jew. 900 00:37:31,180 --> 00:37:34,680 Now, who wants to participate in our Big Deal of the Day? 901 00:37:34,680 --> 00:37:37,060 Where you can trade in an earlier deal 902 00:37:37,060 --> 00:37:39,560 for a chance at a really big prize. 903 00:37:39,560 --> 00:37:41,070 Me! Me, Monty, me and Eddie! 904 00:37:41,070 --> 00:37:42,530 No, we're good! We're good, Monty! 905 00:37:42,530 --> 00:37:44,900 Hey, you, scarecrow, listen to me. 906 00:37:44,900 --> 00:37:46,360 We need to quit while we're ahead. 907 00:37:46,360 --> 00:37:47,360 We have a billiard table already. 908 00:37:47,360 --> 00:37:49,160 Let's just sell it and eat. 909 00:37:49,160 --> 00:37:50,530 Jeez, would you stop being such a pussy? 910 00:37:50,530 --> 00:37:53,200 I'm not being a pussy! I'm just... 911 00:37:53,200 --> 00:37:54,080 Why take the risk? 912 00:37:54,080 --> 00:37:56,620 Are you serious? 913 00:37:56,620 --> 00:37:58,370 We're out here because we're taking a risk. 914 00:37:58,370 --> 00:38:00,590 I mean, every morning we get up, everything we do... 915 00:38:00,590 --> 00:38:02,750 Moving here was a fucking risk. 916 00:38:02,750 --> 00:38:04,550 I think that's a yes. 917 00:38:04,550 --> 00:38:06,510 You're right. Fuck it. 918 00:38:06,510 --> 00:38:09,260 Monty! Over here! Caw! Caw! 919 00:38:09,260 --> 00:38:10,550 Don't caw. You're a flower. 920 00:38:10,550 --> 00:38:12,010 You sound like a fucking idiot. 921 00:38:12,010 --> 00:38:13,560 She wants door number three. 922 00:38:13,560 --> 00:38:15,187 Let's see what's behind door number three. 923 00:38:16,560 --> 00:38:17,770 A new car! 924 00:38:17,770 --> 00:38:20,230 Ride in style to your next poker game 925 00:38:20,230 --> 00:38:23,400 in a brand-new Cadillac. 926 00:38:23,400 --> 00:38:24,820 This El Dorado's loaded with all of Cadillac's 927 00:38:24,820 --> 00:38:29,070 famous power accessories, plus air conditioning... 928 00:38:29,070 --> 00:38:30,740 The ultimate in luxury 929 00:38:30,740 --> 00:38:32,660 from Casa de Cadillac in Sherman Oaks, California, 930 00:38:32,660 --> 00:38:34,040 with tax and license included. 931 00:38:34,040 --> 00:38:35,250 It sells for 932 00:38:35,250 --> 00:38:38,580 $10,413. 933 00:38:38,580 --> 00:38:41,080 Are you fucking kidding me? 934 00:38:42,590 --> 00:38:44,380 Monty! Over here, Monty! 935 00:38:44,380 --> 00:38:45,920 Pick us! Pick us! 936 00:38:45,920 --> 00:38:47,550 - Monty, we're ready. - Pick us, Monty! 937 00:38:47,550 --> 00:38:48,470 - He loves us... Monty. - I know, I see him, I see him. 938 00:38:48,470 --> 00:38:52,180 Ron and Eddie, Ron and Eddie. 939 00:38:52,180 --> 00:38:54,100 You guys have a billiard table worth 940 00:38:54,100 --> 00:38:58,060 $1,895. 941 00:39:00,310 --> 00:39:03,270 Which door do you choose? 942 00:39:03,270 --> 00:39:05,360 Two! Two! 943 00:39:05,360 --> 00:39:08,950 We want door number one. 944 00:39:08,950 --> 00:39:10,974 Okay, door number one... Let's see what's behind it. 945 00:39:12,700 --> 00:39:14,990 Oh. 946 00:39:14,990 --> 00:39:16,870 That's what happens when you gamble at pool. 947 00:39:16,870 --> 00:39:19,960 Hey, guys, your ride home is here. 948 00:39:21,540 --> 00:39:22,630 Say, Jay, just so they don't go home empty-handed, 949 00:39:22,630 --> 00:39:24,960 what else do we have for them? 950 00:39:24,960 --> 00:39:28,760 Hee-haw, it's a year's supply of Rice-A-Roni, 951 00:39:28,760 --> 00:39:31,340 the one you sauté and simmer to flavor perfection. 952 00:39:31,340 --> 00:39:34,640 The San Francisco Treat! 953 00:39:34,640 --> 00:39:35,810 Yes. 954 00:39:35,810 --> 00:39:37,310 Yes! Yes! Yes! 955 00:39:37,310 --> 00:39:38,310 Yes! 956 00:39:41,140 --> 00:39:43,150 We did it. 957 00:39:43,150 --> 00:39:44,480 I love having kids. 958 00:39:44,480 --> 00:39:46,230 Best part about being a dad, 959 00:39:46,230 --> 00:39:48,400 I only have to see them every other weekend. 960 00:39:48,400 --> 00:39:51,150 My wife's new husband... He's great. 961 00:39:51,150 --> 00:39:52,490 He even taught me how to throw a football. 962 00:39:52,490 --> 00:39:55,070 You guys are a hot crowd, 963 00:39:55,070 --> 00:39:56,080 not like my ex-wife... 964 00:39:56,080 --> 00:39:59,830 Cold, drunk, and out at two in the morning. 965 00:39:59,830 --> 00:40:01,370 Hey. 966 00:40:01,370 --> 00:40:02,790 Hey, what are you doing here? It's late. 967 00:40:02,790 --> 00:40:05,340 Can't a guy support his girlfriend? 968 00:40:05,340 --> 00:40:08,340 Um, that's sweet, but... 969 00:40:08,340 --> 00:40:10,550 please go home. 970 00:40:10,550 --> 00:40:12,680 Do we have a problem? 971 00:40:12,680 --> 00:40:14,840 Problem? Why would we have a problem? 972 00:40:14,840 --> 00:40:16,680 My father and my sister show up, 973 00:40:16,680 --> 00:40:18,470 and you couldn't get out of there fast enough. 974 00:40:18,470 --> 00:40:20,430 No, I just... I was going up tonight, 975 00:40:20,430 --> 00:40:21,390 and I just needed time to prepare. 976 00:40:21,390 --> 00:40:24,440 You needed five hours? 977 00:40:24,440 --> 00:40:25,860 You'd flip if I pulled this shit on you 978 00:40:25,860 --> 00:40:28,520 right before you were gonna go on. 979 00:40:28,520 --> 00:40:30,530 Have you seen this crowd? 980 00:40:30,530 --> 00:40:32,200 This crowd is no different than any other crowd. 981 00:40:32,200 --> 00:40:34,660 - They're not even listening. - So make them listen. 982 00:40:36,410 --> 00:40:38,910 You know, you're being kind of an asshole right now. 983 00:40:38,910 --> 00:40:40,700 You haven't played 2 a. m. In a long time, 984 00:40:40,700 --> 00:40:42,710 and sometimes it's just a sucky crowd. 985 00:40:42,710 --> 00:40:44,370 Then give me five of your minutes, 986 00:40:44,370 --> 00:40:45,420 and I'll turn 'em around. 987 00:40:45,420 --> 00:40:48,000 Is this a test? 988 00:40:48,000 --> 00:40:49,050 A test? 989 00:40:49,050 --> 00:40:50,130 Yeah. Are you testing me? 990 00:40:50,130 --> 00:40:53,260 Yeah, I am. I'm being a dedicated boyfriend, okay? 991 00:40:53,260 --> 00:40:54,180 And... and unlike you as a girlfriend, 992 00:40:54,180 --> 00:40:56,390 I think I'm passing with flying colors. 993 00:40:56,390 --> 00:40:58,550 Well, I guess that depends on what your definition is. 994 00:40:58,550 --> 00:41:00,350 And what's your definition, Cass... 995 00:41:00,350 --> 00:41:01,390 Carrying a torch for a dead guy? 996 00:41:01,390 --> 00:41:04,230 All right. Up next... 997 00:41:04,230 --> 00:41:05,440 ♪ somber music ♪ 998 00:41:05,440 --> 00:41:06,810 Who we got? Um... 999 00:41:06,810 --> 00:41:09,400 They asleep back there? Who's next? 1000 00:41:09,400 --> 00:41:11,690 Cassie? 1001 00:41:11,690 --> 00:41:13,190 I can't believe you would do this to me 1002 00:41:13,190 --> 00:41:14,400 right before I fucking go on. 1003 00:41:14,400 --> 00:41:15,070 If you can't handle it, 1004 00:41:15,070 --> 00:41:17,030 I'll warm 'em up for you. 1005 00:41:17,030 --> 00:41:17,910 No, I don't need you to do that. 1006 00:41:17,910 --> 00:41:20,160 Bill, I don't need you to do that. 1007 00:41:20,160 --> 00:41:23,410 Oh, all right, we got a last-minute substitution. 1008 00:41:23,410 --> 00:41:25,250 Uh, he's a regular on The Main Stage, 1009 00:41:25,250 --> 00:41:27,210 you're gonna see him on Midnight Special very soon. 1010 00:41:27,210 --> 00:41:28,580 My man, Mr. Bill Hobbs! 1011 00:41:33,380 --> 00:41:35,510 All right. Good morning. 1012 00:41:35,510 --> 00:41:37,840 Wow, what are the odds of an entire front row of people 1013 00:41:37,840 --> 00:41:40,890 who all had their dogs put down on the same day, huh? 1014 00:41:42,600 --> 00:41:44,270 Uh, I'm not married. Don't like the idea of marriage. 1015 00:41:44,270 --> 00:41:46,940 The whole anniversary gifts is a real turnoff to me. 1016 00:41:46,940 --> 00:41:48,400 You know, first year, paper. Second year, cotton. 1017 00:41:48,400 --> 00:41:49,770 Third year, leather. 1018 00:41:49,770 --> 00:41:51,110 Sounds like a suicide kit, doesn't it? 1019 00:41:51,110 --> 00:41:56,150 You know, it's... 1020 00:41:56,150 --> 00:41:57,280 The paper to write the suicide note with, you know? 1021 00:41:57,280 --> 00:41:59,950 Like, "Oh, thanks for the cotton last year, babe, 1022 00:41:59,950 --> 00:42:01,910 and now the, uh, belt to hang myself with." 1023 00:42:03,660 --> 00:42:04,540 I feel like we should amend that list, you know. 1024 00:42:04,540 --> 00:42:06,120 It needs to be updated. 1025 00:42:06,120 --> 00:42:08,370 It's one of those things where it's, uh... 1026 00:42:08,370 --> 00:42:09,710 That company is gonna fall apart. 1027 00:42:09,710 --> 00:42:10,590 A new... uh-uh, hey. Excuse me? 1028 00:42:10,590 --> 00:42:12,460 Hi. Yeah, you, talking. 1029 00:42:12,460 --> 00:42:13,800 I'm... I'm talking to you. 1030 00:42:13,800 --> 00:42:15,720 Uh, who else would I be talking to? 1031 00:42:15,720 --> 00:42:18,010 Um, I'm up here working, 1032 00:42:18,010 --> 00:42:19,300 so if you don't mind shutting the fuck up... 1033 00:42:19,300 --> 00:42:20,680 Whoa! 1034 00:42:20,680 --> 00:42:21,890 I'd be, uh, forever grateful. 1035 00:42:21,890 --> 00:42:24,310 - Thank you. - Just ignore me, okay? 1036 00:42:24,310 --> 00:42:27,690 Uh, ignoring you is probably easy for everyone in your life, 1037 00:42:27,690 --> 00:42:30,480 but, uh, this is my job. 1038 00:42:30,480 --> 00:42:32,230 So I'm up here, doing my job, 1039 00:42:32,230 --> 00:42:33,730 my job is to stand here, talking, 1040 00:42:33,730 --> 00:42:36,150 and yours is to sit with your mouth shut, 1041 00:42:36,150 --> 00:42:37,360 listening, okay? 1042 00:42:37,360 --> 00:42:39,240 Be nice. We got laid off today. 1043 00:42:39,240 --> 00:42:40,990 You got laid today? 1044 00:42:40,990 --> 00:42:42,580 Judging by the expression on your face, it wasn't that good. 1045 00:42:42,580 --> 00:42:45,160 Our whole department got laid off today. 1046 00:42:45,160 --> 00:42:46,750 Oh, really? 1047 00:42:46,750 --> 00:42:48,330 Then why the fuck did you come to a comedy show? 1048 00:42:48,330 --> 00:42:50,170 Huh? 1049 00:42:50,170 --> 00:42:52,000 Oh, Jesus, lady, you think just 'cause your life is shit, 1050 00:42:52,000 --> 00:42:53,670 you need to come here and share the wealth? 1051 00:42:53,670 --> 00:42:55,130 You know how fucking hard this is? 1052 00:42:55,130 --> 00:42:56,670 No, you have no idea 1053 00:42:56,670 --> 00:42:58,510 what it's like to put yourself out there. 1054 00:42:58,510 --> 00:43:00,720 I'm... I'm sure it's a lot harder than whatever widget factory 1055 00:43:00,720 --> 00:43:02,470 you and the traveling mausoleum got shit-canned from today. 1056 00:43:02,470 --> 00:43:03,640 Oh, great. Okay. 1057 00:43:03,640 --> 00:43:05,430 - Okay. - Thanks. 1058 00:43:05,430 --> 00:43:06,600 Oh, oh, you taking off? Now you gonna leave, huh? 1059 00:43:06,600 --> 00:43:09,520 Fuck off. Go. 1060 00:43:09,520 --> 00:43:11,690 Unemployment office isn't open for another couple hours, girls. 1061 00:43:11,690 --> 00:43:13,440 You're an asshole. 1062 00:43:13,440 --> 00:43:15,464 Yeah, I am an asshole. Don't ever fucking come back. 1063 00:43:18,400 --> 00:43:19,400 Fuck it. 1064 00:43:21,530 --> 00:43:24,120 Everybody, Bill Hobbs! 1065 00:43:24,120 --> 00:43:28,540 Keynote speaker at the next feminist convention. 1066 00:43:41,720 --> 00:43:43,390 Hello? 1067 00:43:43,390 --> 00:43:45,510 Had a colleague at your club last night, 1068 00:43:45,510 --> 00:43:47,680 said your Hobbs guy put on quite a show. 1069 00:43:47,680 --> 00:43:50,440 Ugly, with a capital U. 1070 00:43:50,440 --> 00:43:53,900 Well, I have no fucking idea what you're talking about. 1071 00:43:53,900 --> 00:43:54,730 We're dropping your boy. 1072 00:43:54,730 --> 00:43:57,110 Dropping him? 1073 00:43:57,110 --> 00:43:57,780 Well, that's fucking insane. 1074 00:43:57,780 --> 00:44:00,820 He wasn't even scheduled. 1075 00:44:00,820 --> 00:44:02,610 We just want to wait a bit. 1076 00:44:02,610 --> 00:44:04,280 We'll revisit the situation in a couple of months. 1077 00:44:04,280 --> 00:44:07,490 Art, I give you my word, Bill's a pro. 1078 00:44:07,490 --> 00:44:08,870 ♪ Somber jazz music ♪ 1079 00:44:08,870 --> 00:44:11,620 Comics go off on people all the time. 1080 00:44:11,620 --> 00:44:13,750 Maybe he had too much to drink, huh? 1081 00:44:13,750 --> 00:44:16,420 According to my guy, he didn't just go off. 1082 00:44:16,420 --> 00:44:17,670 He went ballistic. 1083 00:44:17,670 --> 00:44:19,760 Look, we already got Robert Klein. 1084 00:44:19,760 --> 00:44:22,590 Let's talk in a couple of months. 1085 00:44:22,590 --> 00:44:27,100 ♪ 1086 00:44:27,100 --> 00:44:28,930 What, I-I'm an idiot all of a sudden? 1087 00:44:28,930 --> 00:44:30,560 I don't know my own kids? 1088 00:44:30,560 --> 00:44:32,940 ♪ 1089 00:44:32,940 --> 00:44:34,060 Did I tell you I gave up coffee? 1090 00:44:34,060 --> 00:44:37,690 The caffeine... made me anxious, 1091 00:44:37,690 --> 00:44:39,320 made me say things in a way that was, 1092 00:44:39,320 --> 00:44:42,950 let's just say, not as I'd intentioned. 1093 00:44:42,950 --> 00:44:45,570 Ended up burning a lot of bridges. 1094 00:44:45,570 --> 00:44:46,530 Not me. 1095 00:44:46,530 --> 00:44:49,200 I love my coffee. 1096 00:44:49,200 --> 00:44:50,620 But you go ahead... 1097 00:44:50,620 --> 00:44:52,790 You enjoy your fucking tea. 1098 00:44:54,370 --> 00:44:59,670 ♪ 1099 00:45:09,010 --> 00:45:10,720 Hello? 1100 00:45:10,720 --> 00:45:12,270 Hey, Goldie, what's up? 1101 00:45:38,330 --> 00:45:39,130 I picked up your suit 1102 00:45:39,130 --> 00:45:43,300 because that's what girlfriends do. 1103 00:45:46,180 --> 00:45:47,680 Someone was there from Midnight Special 1104 00:45:47,680 --> 00:45:50,850 when I... 1105 00:45:50,850 --> 00:45:54,270 And, uh, I'm not... 1106 00:45:54,270 --> 00:45:57,690 They cancelled. 1107 00:45:57,690 --> 00:45:59,310 Is that Carrie? 1108 00:46:02,690 --> 00:46:05,110 Well, is she coming in or not? 1109 00:46:06,820 --> 00:46:08,860 Um, I'm... Thank you, Mr. Hobbs, but... 1110 00:46:08,860 --> 00:46:11,120 She can't stay, Dad. 1111 00:46:16,660 --> 00:46:19,670 Did this just happen? 1112 00:46:19,670 --> 00:46:21,960 Yeah, Goldie just hung up. 1113 00:46:26,050 --> 00:46:30,600 I'll call you later tonight, okay? 1114 00:46:30,600 --> 00:46:31,930 Okay. 1115 00:46:40,610 --> 00:46:43,400 You're okay, right? 1116 00:46:43,400 --> 00:46:43,900 Yeah. 1117 00:46:43,900 --> 00:46:46,570 Thanks for... 1118 00:46:57,710 --> 00:46:59,290 Now what'd you do? 1119 00:47:13,890 --> 00:47:15,600 The paint's looking good. 1120 00:47:15,600 --> 00:47:18,640 Oh. Thanks. 1121 00:47:18,640 --> 00:47:20,390 - Hmm. - Yeah. 1122 00:47:22,610 --> 00:47:24,650 Can I ask you a question? 1123 00:47:24,650 --> 00:47:28,110 Sure. 1124 00:47:28,110 --> 00:47:29,420 How are you at putting up shelves? 1125 00:47:33,280 --> 00:47:34,870 Fine. 1126 00:47:34,870 --> 00:47:35,830 'Cause I'm thinking about putting some up 1127 00:47:35,830 --> 00:47:39,960 where the bureau was... 1128 00:47:39,960 --> 00:47:41,790 making this into an office. 1129 00:47:41,790 --> 00:47:42,790 I don't have one up here. 1130 00:47:42,790 --> 00:47:44,790 I do all my work at the dining-room table. 1131 00:47:44,790 --> 00:47:46,130 I got four bedrooms. 1132 00:47:46,130 --> 00:47:48,550 It's crazy, huh? 1133 00:47:48,550 --> 00:47:50,050 Yeah. 1134 00:47:50,050 --> 00:47:52,890 Yeah. 1135 00:47:52,890 --> 00:47:54,050 So your... Your daughter's gonna sleep 1136 00:47:54,050 --> 00:47:57,810 in one of the other rooms? 1137 00:47:57,810 --> 00:48:00,730 My daughter. 1138 00:48:00,730 --> 00:48:04,110 My daughter took off six months ago. 1139 00:48:04,110 --> 00:48:07,820 Van pulled up, some droopy-eyed stoner got out. 1140 00:48:07,820 --> 00:48:10,900 She shoved everything that mattered into a pink suitcase 1141 00:48:10,900 --> 00:48:12,320 I bought for her when we went on a trip 1142 00:48:12,320 --> 00:48:16,330 to the Grand Canyon when she was six. 1143 00:48:16,330 --> 00:48:18,620 And that, as they say, was that. 1144 00:48:21,960 --> 00:48:24,580 - Did she call or...? - No. 1145 00:48:27,000 --> 00:48:28,500 I was on my own when I was 17, 1146 00:48:28,500 --> 00:48:31,420 so same difference, I suppose. 1147 00:48:31,420 --> 00:48:34,800 I mean, clearly, she can come home if she wants. 1148 00:48:34,800 --> 00:48:37,220 Clearly, she doesn't want. 1149 00:48:38,930 --> 00:48:41,390 Yeah, you love 'em, you feed 'em, 1150 00:48:41,390 --> 00:48:45,730 try to protect 'em... Mostly from themselves. 1151 00:48:45,730 --> 00:48:48,820 At least that's what you tell yourself. 1152 00:48:48,820 --> 00:48:51,490 Ah, well, world keeps spinning, right? 1153 00:48:52,900 --> 00:48:55,950 You miss her? 1154 00:48:57,910 --> 00:49:00,240 Uh... uh, I'm sorry. 1155 00:49:09,040 --> 00:49:11,800 She wore these slippers. 1156 00:49:11,800 --> 00:49:16,220 They made this sound when she walked... 1157 00:49:16,220 --> 00:49:20,720 like someone sanding wood. 1158 00:49:20,720 --> 00:49:21,890 I miss that... 1159 00:49:21,890 --> 00:49:25,900 that sound. 1160 00:49:25,900 --> 00:49:29,360 I didn't need to talk. I didn't need to see her. 1161 00:49:29,360 --> 00:49:32,900 That sound, that... that was enough. 1162 00:49:32,900 --> 00:49:36,450 The shelves are in the garage. 1163 00:49:47,120 --> 00:49:49,920 It's not your fault. 1164 00:49:49,920 --> 00:49:53,630 You know that, right? 1165 00:49:53,630 --> 00:49:57,300 It's just, it's... it's some kind of Hobbs curse. 1166 00:50:06,940 --> 00:50:09,860 Your grandfather was, um... 1167 00:50:09,860 --> 00:50:13,440 a cobbler, right? 1168 00:50:13,440 --> 00:50:14,150 And he made 1169 00:50:14,150 --> 00:50:16,860 the most beautiful men's shoes. 1170 00:50:17,950 --> 00:50:22,870 He saved up the money and opened up his own shop. 1171 00:50:22,870 --> 00:50:25,750 And then the Depression hits. 1172 00:50:27,120 --> 00:50:30,710 Oh, people don't need fancy shoes. 1173 00:50:30,710 --> 00:50:32,840 They need a piece of bread, 1174 00:50:32,840 --> 00:50:36,590 a bowl of soup. 1175 00:50:36,590 --> 00:50:39,130 It's not his fault. 1176 00:50:39,130 --> 00:50:43,180 He died working for some bum 1177 00:50:43,180 --> 00:50:45,430 who treated him like dirt. 1178 00:50:48,350 --> 00:50:52,400 He worked until he was almost 70. 1179 00:50:52,400 --> 00:50:55,820 This guy yelling at him like... 1180 00:50:55,820 --> 00:50:59,530 Like he was some teenager working there after school. 1181 00:51:01,120 --> 00:51:02,990 The man fought in the Battle of Belleau Wood, 1182 00:51:02,990 --> 00:51:08,000 for Christ's sake. 1183 00:51:08,000 --> 00:51:09,920 And me... 1184 00:51:09,920 --> 00:51:12,420 It's Jap cars cutting into Detroit... 1185 00:51:12,420 --> 00:51:13,840 Ten years from my retirement. 1186 00:51:13,840 --> 00:51:17,840 Fuck. 1187 00:51:17,840 --> 00:51:21,430 God's got it out for the Hobbs, that's all I know. 1188 00:51:24,050 --> 00:51:26,020 Your grandfather 1189 00:51:26,020 --> 00:51:30,020 compared us Hobbs to cavemen throwing rocks at the moon, 1190 00:51:30,020 --> 00:51:34,860 trying to knock it out of the sky. 1191 00:51:34,860 --> 00:51:39,900 So try to think of it as some sort of a... 1192 00:51:39,900 --> 00:51:43,240 rite of passage... 1193 00:51:43,240 --> 00:51:46,990 'cause you never stood a chance, son. 1194 00:51:46,990 --> 00:51:49,040 Just throwing rocks at the moon, 1195 00:51:49,040 --> 00:51:52,790 like the rest of us. 1196 00:51:59,050 --> 00:52:00,220 - Edgar. - Hmm? 1197 00:52:00,220 --> 00:52:02,720 This guy look familiar to you? 1198 00:52:02,720 --> 00:52:05,970 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh, it's your dad, right? 1199 00:52:05,970 --> 00:52:08,270 He admitted that you told him to shit in my car. 1200 00:52:08,270 --> 00:52:10,560 Oh, my God, Edgar, what did you do? 1201 00:52:10,560 --> 00:52:13,520 I just fed a hungry man Dinty Moore Beef Stew, 1202 00:52:13,520 --> 00:52:16,520 and what he did after that was his business. 1203 00:52:16,520 --> 00:52:18,530 - Huh, literally. - Right. 1204 00:52:23,740 --> 00:52:25,700 Oh, shit. 1205 00:52:27,620 --> 00:52:29,750 You have five seconds to bust my balls, 1206 00:52:29,750 --> 00:52:33,790 or I'm gonna kick the fuck out of each and every one of you. 1207 00:52:33,790 --> 00:52:36,500 I think this just became a Midnight After-school Special. 1208 00:52:36,500 --> 00:52:38,000 Uh, the only special Bill's gonna be shooting on Thursday 1209 00:52:38,000 --> 00:52:40,380 is a .38. 1210 00:52:40,380 --> 00:52:42,010 I don't know what's rustier, 1211 00:52:42,010 --> 00:52:44,930 that suit, your pubes, or your act. 1212 00:52:44,930 --> 00:52:47,180 What do you got, old man? 1213 00:52:47,180 --> 00:52:48,760 You said there'd be olives for me if I... 1214 00:52:48,760 --> 00:52:50,270 Come on, Dad, let's get you fed. 1215 00:52:50,270 --> 00:52:54,100 That was the best one. 1216 00:52:54,100 --> 00:52:56,440 Bill, I'm really sorry... 1217 00:52:56,440 --> 00:52:58,900 that you can't return that suit. 1218 00:52:58,900 --> 00:53:00,900 Oh. 1219 00:53:00,900 --> 00:53:03,400 You own it? 1220 00:53:03,400 --> 00:53:07,160 Got to love the comedian. 1221 00:53:07,160 --> 00:53:09,120 But to be honest, I was kind of hoping for the girlfriend. 1222 00:53:09,120 --> 00:53:12,960 ♪ Rock music ♪ 1223 00:53:12,960 --> 00:53:17,960 ♪ 1224 00:53:22,460 --> 00:53:23,840 Well, the shelves are up, 1225 00:53:23,840 --> 00:53:26,550 and, um, all the painting is finished. 1226 00:53:26,550 --> 00:53:28,800 Thank you, Adam. 1227 00:53:28,800 --> 00:53:31,930 Come back tomorrow. I'll have more work for you. 1228 00:53:39,860 --> 00:53:41,610 Goldie, why am I here? 1229 00:54:01,590 --> 00:54:04,800 Speaking Yiddish 1230 00:54:09,010 --> 00:54:10,550 One morning, 1231 00:54:10,550 --> 00:54:14,140 while she was making their breakfast, 1232 00:54:14,140 --> 00:54:16,350 Yussel walked up to his wife, Hette, 1233 00:54:16,350 --> 00:54:18,350 and pinched her on the tuchus. 1234 00:54:18,350 --> 00:54:21,150 And he said, "You know, 1235 00:54:21,150 --> 00:54:22,520 if you firm this up, 1236 00:54:22,520 --> 00:54:24,690 we could get rid of your girdle." 1237 00:54:24,690 --> 00:54:29,530 Now, Hette thought this was a terrible thing to say. 1238 00:54:29,530 --> 00:54:33,870 But she refrained from responding. 1239 00:54:33,870 --> 00:54:35,250 Next morning, 1240 00:54:35,250 --> 00:54:38,870 Yussel wakes Hette up by squeezing her breast. 1241 00:54:38,870 --> 00:54:41,590 He says, "You know, if we firm these up, 1242 00:54:41,590 --> 00:54:44,170 you could get rid of your bra." 1243 00:54:44,170 --> 00:54:49,130 Now, Hette thought this was unacceptable... 1244 00:54:49,130 --> 00:54:52,850 and had to respond this time. 1245 00:54:52,850 --> 00:54:54,060 So... 1246 00:54:54,060 --> 00:54:56,230 she rolled over 1247 00:54:56,230 --> 00:54:57,390 and grabbed him by his dick, 1248 00:54:57,390 --> 00:55:00,690 and with a strong grip, 1249 00:55:00,690 --> 00:55:03,610 she said, "You know, if you firm this up, 1250 00:55:03,610 --> 00:55:07,190 we could get rid of the postman, the butcher, and your brother." 1251 00:55:18,500 --> 00:55:21,630 That is so fun... 1252 00:55:39,100 --> 00:55:40,190 Oh, shit. 1253 00:55:40,190 --> 00:55:41,770 Whew. 1254 00:55:41,770 --> 00:55:44,860 I'm still not... Not sure why I'm here, though. 1255 00:55:46,900 --> 00:55:50,490 I guess it's because you know when to shut the fuck up. 1256 00:55:50,490 --> 00:55:54,120 Speaking Yiddish 1257 00:55:55,660 --> 00:56:00,370 ♪ Jon Brion's "So Now Then" plays ♪ 1258 00:56:00,370 --> 00:56:03,420 And now a guy who made his national TV debut 1259 00:56:03,420 --> 00:56:06,000 this week, almost. 1260 00:56:06,000 --> 00:56:11,260 Let's get some pity applause for Mr. Bill Hobbs. 1261 00:56:14,050 --> 00:56:19,060 ♪ 1262 00:56:27,110 --> 00:56:29,990 I'm not married. I'm, uh, not into the idea of marriage 1263 00:56:29,990 --> 00:56:32,490 I find the anniversary gifts a real turnoff. 1264 00:56:32,490 --> 00:56:33,490 You know, first year, paper. Second year, cotton. 1265 00:56:33,490 --> 00:56:34,870 Third year, leather. 1266 00:56:34,870 --> 00:56:38,450 Sounds like a suicide kit. 1267 00:56:38,450 --> 00:56:40,660 Paper to write the suicide note with, you know. 1268 00:56:40,660 --> 00:56:42,500 "Thanks for the cotton last year, honey, 1269 00:56:42,500 --> 00:56:44,366 oh, and the belt this year to hang myself with." 1270 00:56:46,000 --> 00:56:47,290 I feel like we should update this list 1271 00:56:47,290 --> 00:56:48,250 just a little bit, don't you? 1272 00:56:48,250 --> 00:56:51,130 Yeah, first year, peace. Second year, quiet. 1273 00:56:52,510 --> 00:56:54,970 Third year, fix me up with your sister. 1274 00:56:55,430 --> 00:56:57,720 The cans on her. 1275 00:56:57,720 --> 00:57:00,350 I'm half Irish, half Italian. 1276 00:57:00,350 --> 00:57:02,270 You know, this is what happens when a little Italian woman 1277 00:57:02,270 --> 00:57:03,421 wants to get back at her dad. 1278 00:57:04,390 --> 00:57:06,650 She goes, and she sleeps with the biggest Mick in town. 1279 00:57:06,650 --> 00:57:10,360 And out pops a full-sized leprechaun. 1280 00:57:12,400 --> 00:57:15,240 Whoo! 1281 00:57:15,240 --> 00:57:20,580 ♪ 1282 00:57:21,200 --> 00:57:24,000 Oh, fuck. 1283 00:57:27,380 --> 00:57:30,210 Fuck. 1284 00:57:32,210 --> 00:57:34,380 Four? 1285 00:57:34,380 --> 00:57:36,390 Dinty Moore, four for a buck. 1286 00:57:39,300 --> 00:57:42,980 Peace? 1287 00:57:42,980 --> 00:57:44,230 Peace. 1288 00:57:47,350 --> 00:57:50,400 Want a ride home? 1289 00:57:50,400 --> 00:57:51,270 Yeah. Thanks, Sully. 1290 00:57:51,270 --> 00:57:56,610 ♪ 1291 00:57:58,410 --> 00:57:59,200 ♪ Rice-A-Roni ♪ 1292 00:57:59,200 --> 00:58:00,410 ♪ The San Francisco Treat ♪ 1293 00:58:00,410 --> 00:58:04,450 ♪ Ding ding ♪ 1294 00:58:04,450 --> 00:58:06,420 Don't know the second verse. 1295 00:58:06,420 --> 00:58:07,750 - There's a second verse? - Mm. 1296 00:58:07,750 --> 00:58:10,880 Speaking Yiddish 1297 00:58:15,090 --> 00:58:18,180 ♪ Dionne Warwick's "Walk On By" plays ♪ 1298 00:58:18,180 --> 00:58:19,890 ♪ 1299 00:58:19,890 --> 00:58:23,180 ♪ If you see me walking down the street ♪ 1300 00:58:23,180 --> 00:58:28,100 ♪ And I start to cry each time we meet ♪ 1301 00:58:28,100 --> 00:58:30,810 ♪ Walk on by ♪ 1302 00:58:30,810 --> 00:58:32,610 ♪ 1303 00:58:32,610 --> 00:58:37,110 ♪ Walk on by ♪ 1304 00:58:37,110 --> 00:58:38,070 ♪ Make believe ♪ 1305 00:58:38,070 --> 00:58:40,870 ♪ That you don't see the tears ♪ 1306 00:58:40,870 --> 00:58:43,870 ♪ Just let me grieve in private ♪ 1307 00:58:43,870 --> 00:58:47,580 ♪ 'Cause each time I see you ♪ 1308 00:58:47,580 --> 00:58:49,290 ♪ I break down and cry ♪ 1309 00:58:49,290 --> 00:58:51,500 ♪ 1310 00:58:51,500 --> 00:58:55,050 ♪ Walk on by ♪ 1311 00:58:55,050 --> 00:58:56,300 ♪ Don't stop ♪ 93592

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