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1
00:00:00,968 --> 00:00:02,668
You're watching The Simpsons.
2
00:00:02,670 --> 00:00:05,370
You know your life sucks.
Just get drunk
like you always do.
3
00:00:05,373 --> 00:00:06,973
Catch all-new episodes Sundays.
4
00:00:06,974 --> 00:00:08,814
And check outour other Fox programs,
5
00:00:08,809 --> 00:00:11,609
Brooklyn Nine-Nine,
Bob's Burgers and Family Guy.
6
00:00:11,612 --> 00:00:14,512
What is this,
and how can I make the rest
of my life about it?
7
00:00:14,515 --> 00:00:15,745
Only on Fox.
8
00:00:20,021 --> 00:00:22,091
(Lisa grumbles)
9
00:00:26,227 --> 00:00:28,287
(exclaiming)
10
00:00:33,200 --> 00:00:34,570
(school bell ringing)
11
00:00:37,004 --> 00:00:38,174
(Barney belches)
12
00:00:38,172 --> 00:00:39,542
(tires screeching)
13
00:00:40,708 --> 00:00:42,468
D'oh!
14
00:00:42,476 --> 00:00:43,476
(tires screeching)
15
00:00:43,477 --> 00:00:45,007
(grunts)
16
00:00:45,012 --> 00:00:47,212
No! Not there!
17
00:00:47,214 --> 00:00:48,584
Anywhere but there!
18
00:00:48,582 --> 00:00:50,352
Oh, a museum?
19
00:00:50,351 --> 00:00:52,421
(Marge grunts)
20
00:00:54,488 --> 00:00:56,218
♪ ♪
21
00:01:00,394 --> 00:01:02,094
(plays discordant notes)
22
00:01:02,096 --> 00:01:03,156
(gasps)
23
00:01:04,398 --> 00:01:05,928
(moans)
24
00:01:05,933 --> 00:01:07,003
(groans)
25
00:01:13,174 --> 00:01:14,844
(belches)
26
00:01:23,017 --> 00:01:24,617
Hmm.
27
00:01:33,794 --> 00:01:37,734
♪ The Itchy and Scratchy Show! ♪
28
00:01:37,731 --> 00:01:40,301
(crows cawing)
29
00:01:40,301 --> 00:01:42,871
(dramatic music playing)
30
00:02:02,590 --> 00:02:04,660
Ooh! I'd like a slice.
31
00:02:14,101 --> 00:02:16,401
(both laughing)
32
00:02:16,403 --> 00:02:19,003
Hey, hey!
What time is it, kids?
33
00:02:19,006 --> 00:02:21,736
KIDS:
Product tie-in time!
34
00:02:21,742 --> 00:02:22,982
That's right!
35
00:02:22,977 --> 00:02:25,907
I'm introducing
a new line of candy so delicious
36
00:02:25,913 --> 00:02:28,953
that the Krusty Corporation
board of directors
37
00:02:28,949 --> 00:02:31,149
will stop threatening
to oust me.
38
00:02:31,152 --> 00:02:32,922
(drum roll)
39
00:02:32,920 --> 00:02:35,250
Presenting Krustaceans!
40
00:02:35,256 --> 00:02:37,756
They look like shrimp,
they taste like candy,
41
00:02:37,758 --> 00:02:39,188
and they're organic!
42
00:02:39,193 --> 00:02:41,163
Uh... "Clown eats snack"?
43
00:02:41,162 --> 00:02:43,232
Uh-oh, this could get ugly.
44
00:02:44,765 --> 00:02:47,095
What do you know.
They're actually good!
45
00:02:47,101 --> 00:02:48,801
Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.
46
00:02:48,802 --> 00:02:52,442
Hey, hey, kids, Krusty won't be
needing the spit bucket!
47
00:02:52,439 --> 00:02:53,569
(laughs)
48
00:02:55,009 --> 00:02:57,209
Mmm! They are good.
49
00:02:57,211 --> 00:02:59,211
How did you get
them so fast?
50
00:02:59,213 --> 00:03:00,813
I'm a Krusty Prime member.
51
00:03:00,814 --> 00:03:03,384
$75 a month,
but it's worth it.
52
00:03:06,487 --> 00:03:09,117
What? Tibor's getting
a corner office?
53
00:03:09,123 --> 00:03:12,563
Oh, yeah, yeah, Tibor got
promoted to senior VP.
54
00:03:12,560 --> 00:03:14,060
(groans)
55
00:03:14,061 --> 00:03:15,861
CARL:
Cooling tower views,
56
00:03:15,863 --> 00:03:18,163
two chairs for
two visitors.
57
00:03:18,165 --> 00:03:20,295
LENNY: A picture of a
nondescript lighthouse.
58
00:03:20,301 --> 00:03:23,041
CARL: Oh, my God, what is he
getting out of that mini fridge?
59
00:03:23,037 --> 00:03:24,967
It's filled
with mini-colas!
60
00:03:24,972 --> 00:03:27,142
LENNY: Wow, he looks like
a giant drinking that thing.
61
00:03:27,141 --> 00:03:29,741
I was in line for that job,
and I lost it to someone
62
00:03:29,743 --> 00:03:32,383
who barely speaks English.
It's humidifying.
63
00:03:32,379 --> 00:03:35,179
HOMER'S VOICE:
Well, then why the hell don'tyou do something about it?
64
00:03:35,182 --> 00:03:36,582
Huh? Who said that?!
65
00:03:36,584 --> 00:03:39,154
Me! (grunts)
66
00:03:39,153 --> 00:03:40,193
Who are you?
67
00:03:40,187 --> 00:03:41,747
I'm your ambition.
68
00:03:41,755 --> 00:03:43,755
How come I never met you before?
69
00:03:43,757 --> 00:03:47,357
I've been locked up for 30 years
by Apathy and Alcoholism!
70
00:03:47,361 --> 00:03:48,891
(both groaning)
71
00:03:48,896 --> 00:03:51,696
Now, Homer,
Tibor is no better than you.
72
00:03:51,699 --> 00:03:53,499
He just dresses nicer.
73
00:03:53,500 --> 00:03:56,200
I guess I could dress
a little better. Probably.
74
00:03:56,203 --> 00:03:59,543
That's the most ambitious thing
you've ever said.
75
00:03:59,540 --> 00:04:03,440
Guys, is there something wrong
with the way I dress?
76
00:04:03,444 --> 00:04:07,184
No. If you're a typewriter
salesman in 1953.
77
00:04:07,181 --> 00:04:10,721
Also, for a guy,
you show way too much cleavage.
78
00:04:10,718 --> 00:04:15,018
Hey, these two have gotten me
out of so many traffic tickets.
79
00:04:15,022 --> 00:04:17,222
Look, man, if people think
your clothes are outdated,
80
00:04:17,224 --> 00:04:18,594
they'll think you're outdated.
81
00:04:18,592 --> 00:04:20,032
Lenny wears suspenders.
82
00:04:20,027 --> 00:04:22,657
Correction: I
rock suspenders.
83
00:04:23,964 --> 00:04:25,104
Ah, Tibor.
84
00:04:25,099 --> 00:04:26,599
There's my go-getter.
85
00:04:26,600 --> 00:04:30,140
Thank you,
Witch of the Mountains.
86
00:04:31,372 --> 00:04:34,212
(band plays upbeat music,
audience cheers)
87
00:04:34,208 --> 00:04:35,408
Tonight we have with us
88
00:04:35,409 --> 00:04:37,209
a distinguished
senior journalist
89
00:04:37,211 --> 00:04:39,881
for another installment of our
pointless Internet sensation:
90
00:04:39,880 --> 00:04:41,910
Talking Heads
Sing Talking Heads.
91
00:04:41,915 --> 00:04:43,375
Kent Brockman, everybody!
92
00:04:43,384 --> 00:04:44,884
(Talking Heads music playing)
93
00:04:44,885 --> 00:04:46,215
And you may ask yourself...
94
00:04:46,220 --> 00:04:47,590
How do I work this?
95
00:04:47,588 --> 00:04:49,148
And you may ask yourself...
96
00:04:49,156 --> 00:04:51,156
Where is that large automobile?
97
00:04:51,158 --> 00:04:52,958
And you may tell yourself...
98
00:04:52,960 --> 00:04:55,030
Okay, that's it.
99
00:04:57,898 --> 00:04:59,968
(band plays upbeat music,
audience cheers)
100
00:05:02,102 --> 00:05:04,002
Speaking of once-in-a-lifetime
experiences, Kent,
101
00:05:04,004 --> 00:05:06,174
I understand you have
a fascinating story
102
00:05:06,173 --> 00:05:07,643
about your time in Basra.
103
00:05:07,641 --> 00:05:10,841
Well, Jimmy, I was embedded
with the 98th Airborne.
104
00:05:10,844 --> 00:05:13,114
My lullaby was
the thwap-thwap-thwap
105
00:05:13,113 --> 00:05:14,583
of the blades of a Chinook.
106
00:05:14,581 --> 00:05:16,351
I was in the
98th Airborne.
107
00:05:16,350 --> 00:05:18,120
I don't remember him.
108
00:05:18,118 --> 00:05:19,748
I don't even remember
what I said
109
00:05:19,753 --> 00:05:21,453
at the start
of this sentence!
110
00:05:21,455 --> 00:05:23,085
Out there, everyone was equal.
111
00:05:23,090 --> 00:05:25,120
I was "Brock,"
the pilot was "Bama."
112
00:05:25,125 --> 00:05:26,425
Was he from Alabama?
113
00:05:26,427 --> 00:05:28,157
He was from America, Jimmy.
114
00:05:28,162 --> 00:05:30,202
To me, it was just another day
at the office.
115
00:05:30,197 --> 00:05:32,957
Only this day, the office
was a burning piece of metal
116
00:05:32,966 --> 00:05:35,266
where an RPG
just took out the pilot.
117
00:05:35,269 --> 00:05:37,999
So I grabbed the joystick
and guided that wounded bird
118
00:05:38,005 --> 00:05:40,935
down onto a container ship--
which was sinking.
119
00:05:40,941 --> 00:05:43,441
I bailed it with my helmet
and guided her home.
120
00:05:43,444 --> 00:05:45,244
(audience cheering)
121
00:05:47,014 --> 00:05:48,784
That didn't happen, man!
122
00:05:48,782 --> 00:05:51,522
Oh, you Iraq War vets
are always complaining.
123
00:05:51,518 --> 00:05:53,148
(mocking):
"That didn't happen."
124
00:05:53,153 --> 00:05:56,493
"The temperature was 125."
125
00:05:56,490 --> 00:05:59,060
"The U.S.O. show
was Rob Schneider."
126
00:05:59,059 --> 00:06:03,329
"American objectives have been,
and remain, incomprehensible."
127
00:06:03,330 --> 00:06:05,860
Wah-wah-wah.
128
00:06:08,001 --> 00:06:09,131
MARGE:
Dinnertime!
129
00:06:09,136 --> 00:06:11,536
(humming)
130
00:06:11,538 --> 00:06:13,068
No junk food!
131
00:06:13,073 --> 00:06:15,073
We're at
the dinner tables.
132
00:06:15,075 --> 00:06:17,175
KENT BROCKMAN:
This is Kent Brockman with a...
133
00:06:17,177 --> 00:06:18,907
humble apology.
134
00:06:18,912 --> 00:06:21,912
(dramatic kettle drum plays)
135
00:06:21,915 --> 00:06:23,415
You know,
we in the news business
136
00:06:23,417 --> 00:06:26,017
like to report the story;
we don't like to be the story.
137
00:06:26,019 --> 00:06:28,319
That's what I said to Nelson
Mandela atop the Berlin Wall,
138
00:06:28,322 --> 00:06:30,922
but... No, I didn't.
That's the problem!
139
00:06:30,924 --> 00:06:32,224
Now you're not eating.
140
00:06:32,226 --> 00:06:34,856
I can't eat when
I'm watching the spectacle
141
00:06:34,862 --> 00:06:36,232
of an imploding celebrity.
142
00:06:36,230 --> 00:06:38,030
We have lip-quiver, people.
143
00:06:38,031 --> 00:06:40,531
I'm sorry to report to you
that over the years,
144
00:06:40,534 --> 00:06:42,234
every interesting thing
I've done is,
145
00:06:42,236 --> 00:06:43,536
in fact, a complete lie.
146
00:06:43,537 --> 00:06:45,197
I did not land
a Chinook helicopter.
147
00:06:45,205 --> 00:06:48,505
I did not see bin Laden die,
or even see the movie about it.
148
00:06:48,509 --> 00:06:50,909
Now that I've apologized,
my station has assured me
149
00:06:50,911 --> 00:06:52,411
that it has full confidence...
150
00:06:52,413 --> 00:06:55,413
These were the last words of
disgraced anchor Kent Brockman
151
00:06:55,416 --> 00:06:57,516
before he was escorted out
by security
152
00:06:57,518 --> 00:06:59,418
and replaced by me, Arnie Pye.
153
00:06:59,420 --> 00:07:01,190
This reporter promises
154
00:07:01,188 --> 00:07:04,018
to restore our news department's
credibility.
155
00:07:04,024 --> 00:07:07,734
In our top story,
corporate taxes are too high.
156
00:07:07,728 --> 00:07:10,198
Geez, I'm really gonna
miss Anderson Cooper.
157
00:07:10,197 --> 00:07:12,127
That wasn't
Anderson Cooper.
158
00:07:12,132 --> 00:07:13,602
Oh, thank God.
159
00:07:13,600 --> 00:07:16,030
I'm not licked yet--
not as long as I've got
160
00:07:16,036 --> 00:07:18,496
a cell phone and a place to sit.
161
00:07:20,140 --> 00:07:21,210
Company car.
162
00:07:21,208 --> 00:07:22,638
(tires screech)
163
00:07:24,311 --> 00:07:27,381
Marge, I think I may
have to get new clothes.
164
00:07:27,381 --> 00:07:28,911
(whispers):
At last!
165
00:07:28,916 --> 00:07:31,216
It's time for me to
project the image
166
00:07:31,218 --> 00:07:33,888
of a powerful,
self-reliant man.
167
00:07:33,887 --> 00:07:36,117
Will you take me
shopping after school?
168
00:07:36,123 --> 00:07:38,663
Sure. And after that,
maybe you could...
169
00:07:38,659 --> 00:07:41,059
oh, I don't know,
lose a little weight?
170
00:07:41,061 --> 00:07:44,001
Marge, no, don't get greedy,
don't get greedy.
171
00:07:43,997 --> 00:07:48,397
Sweetheart, I'm always happy
to temporarily lose weight.
172
00:07:48,402 --> 00:07:50,002
Oh...
173
00:07:51,238 --> 00:07:53,468
So, this app
is called Smothr.
174
00:07:53,474 --> 00:07:56,714
Lets my mom keep
a healthy eye on me 24/7.
175
00:07:57,644 --> 00:07:59,814
Milhouse, you're overexcited.
176
00:07:59,813 --> 00:08:01,453
You're going to get
a bloody nose.
177
00:08:01,448 --> 00:08:03,448
I will not!
178
00:08:03,450 --> 00:08:04,820
See?
179
00:08:04,818 --> 00:08:07,118
Hmm. I call these num-nums
180
00:08:07,120 --> 00:08:09,190
because they make
my fingers numb.
181
00:08:09,189 --> 00:08:11,459
Mmm, mmm, mmm!
182
00:08:11,458 --> 00:08:13,688
Why are the only
ingredients here
183
00:08:13,694 --> 00:08:16,764
"water, fun
and hydrogenated chuckles"?
184
00:08:16,763 --> 00:08:18,963
Hey, Krusty makes
quality products.
185
00:08:18,966 --> 00:08:21,096
Incoming!
186
00:08:21,101 --> 00:08:23,671
Mm, let me try
one of those candies.
187
00:08:28,008 --> 00:08:30,178
I shared a meal with Lisa.
188
00:08:30,177 --> 00:08:33,007
It's halfway to a kiss.
189
00:08:33,013 --> 00:08:34,213
Now I kissed Lisa.
190
00:08:34,214 --> 00:08:36,014
No one kissed Lisa!
191
00:08:36,016 --> 00:08:37,676
Hmm?
Hmm?
192
00:08:37,684 --> 00:08:40,194
Hmm, I don't think candy
should give me a tingling
193
00:08:40,187 --> 00:08:41,687
in my left arm.
194
00:08:41,688 --> 00:08:43,388
I'm gonna prove
to you that Krusty
195
00:08:43,390 --> 00:08:45,720
is a good clown with
nonlethal candy.
196
00:08:45,726 --> 00:08:48,386
Hey, Otto-man, can you take us
to the food processing district?
197
00:08:48,395 --> 00:08:49,525
No way, Bartman.
198
00:08:49,530 --> 00:08:51,000
Hey, Otto,
I just remembered,
199
00:08:50,998 --> 00:08:53,368
we have a field trip
to the food processing district.
200
00:08:53,367 --> 00:08:55,127
Oh, man, we're late!
201
00:08:55,135 --> 00:08:56,765
(tires screech)
202
00:09:00,207 --> 00:09:03,207
FRANK SINATRA:
♪ This town ♪
203
00:09:03,210 --> 00:09:05,140
♪ Is a lonely town ♪
204
00:09:07,247 --> 00:09:09,647
♪ Not the only town... ♪
205
00:09:11,218 --> 00:09:13,178
You're a very lucky lady.
206
00:09:13,186 --> 00:09:15,016
(laughs)
207
00:09:15,022 --> 00:09:16,352
(humming)
208
00:09:16,356 --> 00:09:18,086
Hmm? (groans)
209
00:09:18,091 --> 00:09:20,091
Hmm.
210
00:09:20,093 --> 00:09:22,163
(grunting)
211
00:09:26,199 --> 00:09:28,869
Really?
You're thwarted by a shirt?
212
00:09:28,869 --> 00:09:29,869
Never!
213
00:09:29,870 --> 00:09:31,200
This is so exciting--
214
00:09:31,204 --> 00:09:33,444
with my Homie in
a haberdashers.
215
00:09:33,440 --> 00:09:36,010
My husband needs
a complete makeover.
216
00:09:36,009 --> 00:09:39,109
Well, thank you, lady
with the beehive hair.
217
00:09:40,347 --> 00:09:43,477
Ooh, intimate
but heterosexual.
218
00:09:47,254 --> 00:09:48,754
CLERK:
Here you are, pal.
219
00:09:48,755 --> 00:09:51,355
(moaning):
Oh! Oh!
220
00:09:51,358 --> 00:09:52,788
Homie?
221
00:09:52,793 --> 00:09:55,233
Oh, baby, you had
the same idea I did.
222
00:09:55,228 --> 00:09:56,428
Mmm!
223
00:09:56,430 --> 00:09:58,960
This wasn't my idea,
but... (gasps)
224
00:09:58,966 --> 00:10:00,496
Oh...
225
00:10:02,269 --> 00:10:05,669
(chuckles) They all think
they're the first ones.
226
00:10:07,574 --> 00:10:10,244
Wow. Ready for
the corner office.
227
00:10:10,243 --> 00:10:13,043
I feel like
Mrs. Mad Men.
228
00:10:13,046 --> 00:10:15,246
Now let's get you
rung up, lard-ass.
229
00:10:15,248 --> 00:10:17,318
What did you call me?
Uh, Lord S.
230
00:10:17,317 --> 00:10:18,617
Oh.
231
00:10:20,587 --> 00:10:22,587
Well, we've got a nice-
looking couple here.
232
00:10:22,589 --> 00:10:24,389
Walk away, Marge,
just walk away.
233
00:10:24,391 --> 00:10:26,761
I'm holding
my sharpest key.
234
00:10:26,760 --> 00:10:28,760
Wait, Homie.
It's Kent Brockman.
235
00:10:28,762 --> 00:10:30,762
The man who betrayed
our trust.
236
00:10:30,764 --> 00:10:32,904
I'm producing my own
news content now.
237
00:10:32,899 --> 00:10:34,769
Could you spare
a few sound bites
238
00:10:34,768 --> 00:10:36,638
(chuckles):
for this rudderless anchor?
239
00:10:36,637 --> 00:10:39,067
Forget it. We only like
newspeople we can trust.
240
00:10:39,072 --> 00:10:40,772
So no newspeople!
241
00:10:40,774 --> 00:10:42,674
Oh, well, I have
bigger problems.
242
00:10:42,676 --> 00:10:45,176
Can't afford toothpaste, so
tonight my teeth will have...
243
00:10:45,178 --> 00:10:47,008
film at 11:00.
244
00:10:47,014 --> 00:10:49,014
OTTO:
Adios!
245
00:10:49,016 --> 00:10:51,246
Don't worry,
Krusty's favorite number
246
00:10:51,251 --> 00:10:53,351
is how many jokes he's written.
247
00:10:57,324 --> 00:10:59,094
♪ ♪
248
00:10:59,092 --> 00:11:01,032
Wow! Hydroponic
gardening.
249
00:11:01,028 --> 00:11:03,158
Organic fertilizer.
250
00:11:03,163 --> 00:11:05,903
Maybe I was wrong
about Krusty.
251
00:11:09,803 --> 00:11:13,043
(groans) This candy
is reeking with chemicals!
252
00:11:13,040 --> 00:11:15,440
Just once
I'd like to be wrong.
253
00:11:15,442 --> 00:11:18,282
Well, from what I read in your
diary, you're rarely right.
254
00:11:18,278 --> 00:11:19,708
(groans)
255
00:11:19,713 --> 00:11:21,713
We've got to get
these samples analyzed.
256
00:11:21,715 --> 00:11:24,045
Bart, do you think
we'll get out of here safely?
257
00:11:24,051 --> 00:11:26,121
I think the guard's
no problem.
258
00:11:26,119 --> 00:11:27,149
(snores)
259
00:11:27,154 --> 00:11:28,894
(robotic voice):
Z, Z, Z-Z-Z.
260
00:11:28,889 --> 00:11:29,889
(snores)
261
00:11:29,890 --> 00:11:31,890
Z, Z, Z-Z-Z.
262
00:11:31,892 --> 00:11:33,832
(snores)
Z, Z, Z-Z-Z.
263
00:11:33,827 --> 00:11:35,027
Here comes our ride.
264
00:11:35,028 --> 00:11:35,988
(bicycle bell dings)
265
00:11:35,996 --> 00:11:37,526
I called UberKid.
266
00:11:37,531 --> 00:11:39,131
(Eastern European accent):
Please get in.
267
00:11:39,132 --> 00:11:41,902
You want bottled water?
Mints? Take.
268
00:11:41,902 --> 00:11:44,042
Your accent
is so interesting.
269
00:11:44,037 --> 00:11:45,497
Where are you from?
270
00:11:45,505 --> 00:11:48,005
Uh, small town in Latvia.
You don't know it.
271
00:11:48,008 --> 00:11:49,638
Well, I'd like to hear.
272
00:11:49,643 --> 00:11:51,643
Why do you have to
make friends with everyone?
273
00:12:00,687 --> 00:12:02,887
(sighs)
So much great work for naught.
274
00:12:02,889 --> 00:12:05,519
Kent, as your agent, I promise
we will find you something,
275
00:12:05,525 --> 00:12:07,225
or so help me,
we will drop you.
276
00:12:07,227 --> 00:12:08,657
That's a promise.
277
00:12:08,662 --> 00:12:11,562
Well, could you, uh,
get me on Fox News?
278
00:12:11,565 --> 00:12:13,725
Would you be willing
to call yourself a liberal
279
00:12:13,734 --> 00:12:15,104
and lose every discussion?
280
00:12:15,102 --> 00:12:16,842
Every single one?
281
00:12:16,837 --> 00:12:18,567
Okay, you've already asked
too many questions.
282
00:12:18,572 --> 00:12:20,212
The offer's dead.
283
00:12:20,207 --> 00:12:21,067
(sighs)
284
00:12:22,109 --> 00:12:23,609
♪ Empower your horse ♪
285
00:12:23,610 --> 00:12:25,340
♪ Right through the sun ♪
286
00:12:25,345 --> 00:12:28,405
♪ Blast a rainbow light
from your empowerment gun. ♪
287
00:12:28,415 --> 00:12:30,545
So, you're gonna get this
to Katy Perry?
288
00:12:30,550 --> 00:12:32,020
I never said that.
289
00:12:32,018 --> 00:12:34,388
Hey, guys. Notice
anything different?
290
00:12:34,387 --> 00:12:36,287
Whoa, whoa, impressive!
291
00:12:36,289 --> 00:12:37,619
Italian?
292
00:12:37,624 --> 00:12:38,924
Oh-ho. Better.
293
00:12:38,925 --> 00:12:40,925
Connecticut! (chuckles)
294
00:12:40,927 --> 00:12:43,957
Yeah, I think I'm gonna go
into old man Burns and say,
295
00:12:43,964 --> 00:12:46,934
"Here is a leader of men--
and women."
296
00:12:46,933 --> 00:12:48,573
'Cause that's
what you have to say now.
297
00:12:48,568 --> 00:12:50,198
High five, man!
298
00:12:50,203 --> 00:12:53,303
Why do we call it "high five"
when we only have four fingers?
299
00:12:53,306 --> 00:12:55,066
You know,
I've always wondered that.
300
00:12:55,075 --> 00:12:56,205
FRINK:
Oh, what have we here?
301
00:12:56,209 --> 00:12:58,079
Uh, Lisa, these vials
302
00:12:58,078 --> 00:13:00,208
are filled with
formaldehyde.
303
00:13:00,213 --> 00:13:02,313
Formaldehyde!
Do you understand?
304
00:13:02,315 --> 00:13:03,945
Do not imbibe!
305
00:13:03,950 --> 00:13:05,980
Check. No imbibing.
306
00:13:05,986 --> 00:13:09,946
Bart! Imbibing is eating,
and formaldehyde is poison.
307
00:13:09,956 --> 00:13:12,786
Oh, you take all the fun
out of eating poison.
308
00:13:12,793 --> 00:13:15,063
You're just an
apologist for Krusty.
309
00:13:15,061 --> 00:13:17,161
I am not a paid apologist
for Krusty!
310
00:13:17,164 --> 00:13:18,934
I didn't say "paid."
311
00:13:18,932 --> 00:13:21,432
Got to go. I'll see you
in the future.
312
00:13:21,434 --> 00:13:23,074
(mechanical humming)
313
00:13:23,069 --> 00:13:25,469
Uh, that's just my
bathing suit dryer.
314
00:13:25,472 --> 00:13:27,312
I, uh... yes.
315
00:13:27,307 --> 00:13:29,367
(groaning)
316
00:13:32,245 --> 00:13:34,305
Sorry, kid, not
interested in your story.
317
00:13:34,314 --> 00:13:35,954
Krusty's our
biggest star,
318
00:13:35,949 --> 00:13:37,919
and formaldehyde's
our biggest sponsor.
319
00:13:37,918 --> 00:13:40,348
I'm gonna have to go
off the grid.
320
00:13:54,467 --> 00:13:56,997
All right, Kent Brockman.
Welcome to BizzFad.
321
00:13:57,003 --> 00:13:58,643
We are so crunched.
322
00:13:58,638 --> 00:14:01,108
(chuckles): Well,
the crunching is mutual.
323
00:14:01,107 --> 00:14:03,637
"The crunching is mutual"?
What the hell does that mean?
324
00:14:03,643 --> 00:14:05,683
Well, I know that
the media has changed,
325
00:14:05,679 --> 00:14:08,949
but this old newshound
can still find his way home.
326
00:14:08,949 --> 00:14:11,119
Okay...
327
00:14:11,117 --> 00:14:14,017
I thought I might do a piece on
all the crazy ice cream flavors
328
00:14:14,020 --> 00:14:15,050
they have these days.
329
00:14:15,055 --> 00:14:16,185
Bacon? Really?
330
00:14:16,189 --> 00:14:17,519
(chuckles)
331
00:14:17,524 --> 00:14:20,064
Kent, I like it. I do.
332
00:14:20,060 --> 00:14:22,160
But we just went bankrupt.
333
00:14:22,162 --> 00:14:24,162
Uh, people, people,
you're all fired.
334
00:14:24,164 --> 00:14:26,464
But, seriously,
it's been a great four days.
335
00:14:26,466 --> 00:14:27,896
Thank you.
336
00:14:29,069 --> 00:14:31,969
Uh, gentlemen, I suggest
we ramp up production.
337
00:14:31,972 --> 00:14:37,042
I have a few suggestions
right here in my pocket.
338
00:14:37,043 --> 00:14:39,343
Do it, Homer! Yeah, yeah, yeah!
339
00:14:39,346 --> 00:14:41,346
(gasps)
Are you Lust?
340
00:14:41,348 --> 00:14:43,148
No. Lupus.
341
00:14:43,149 --> 00:14:44,149
(shrieks)
342
00:14:44,150 --> 00:14:46,320
Huh? Huh? Huh?
343
00:14:46,319 --> 00:14:48,589
(chuckles)
Hey, fatso,
344
00:14:48,588 --> 00:14:51,188
I'd close that tent flap
before the mosquitoes get in.
345
00:14:51,191 --> 00:14:52,191
(chuckles)
346
00:14:52,192 --> 00:14:53,262
What the...?
347
00:14:53,260 --> 00:14:55,090
I thought you would like it.
348
00:14:55,095 --> 00:14:57,825
Actually, I think
you should take this tarp
349
00:14:57,831 --> 00:15:00,201
back to the baseball stadium
you got it from.
350
00:15:00,200 --> 00:15:02,000
In case there's a rain delay.
351
00:15:02,002 --> 00:15:04,702
(chuckles) I did not
see that coming, sir.
352
00:15:04,704 --> 00:15:06,104
Off you go, Simpson.
353
00:15:06,106 --> 00:15:07,906
Never seek
to better yourself again.
354
00:15:07,908 --> 00:15:10,378
I'm just going to shove my foot
on your back for emphasis.
355
00:15:10,377 --> 00:15:12,507
Yes, sir. I understand.
356
00:15:12,512 --> 00:15:15,382
But could you try not
to get my new jacket dirty?
357
00:15:15,382 --> 00:15:16,982
Sorry, but no.
358
00:15:18,018 --> 00:15:19,248
Well done, sir.
359
00:15:19,252 --> 00:15:21,052
Now your turn, Smithers.
360
00:15:21,054 --> 00:15:23,154
I never thought
you'd ask.
361
00:15:25,392 --> 00:15:28,262
So, why do you want to give
the story to Brockman?
362
00:15:28,261 --> 00:15:30,901
Because the best thing you
can do is offer a lifeline
363
00:15:30,897 --> 00:15:32,697
to a person with no hope.
364
00:15:32,699 --> 00:15:34,029
Here I am!
365
00:15:34,034 --> 00:15:35,074
Sorry, not you.
366
00:15:35,068 --> 00:15:36,768
Thank God!
367
00:15:36,770 --> 00:15:38,770
Well, how do you know
where Brockman will be?
368
00:15:38,772 --> 00:15:39,972
To find a fallen man,
369
00:15:39,973 --> 00:15:42,613
you must visit the scene
of his highest peak.
370
00:15:42,609 --> 00:15:45,309
When he reported
on the flood of '09.
371
00:15:46,813 --> 00:15:50,153
My career and these flood waters
crested at the same time.
372
00:15:50,150 --> 00:15:52,120
This is Kent Brockman
blowing a sad song
373
00:15:52,118 --> 00:15:53,618
on his beer bottle.
374
00:15:53,620 --> 00:15:56,220
(playing sad tune)
375
00:15:57,891 --> 00:16:00,891
Mr. Brockman, we've
uncovered a huge story!
376
00:16:00,894 --> 00:16:04,734
And we need a real newsman
to break it wide open.
377
00:16:08,134 --> 00:16:09,134
(sighs)
378
00:16:09,135 --> 00:16:10,565
A real newsman, eh?
379
00:16:10,570 --> 00:16:12,170
Then you've come
to the wrong corner.
380
00:16:12,172 --> 00:16:13,242
What do you mean?
381
00:16:13,239 --> 00:16:14,469
Oh, I'm through.
382
00:16:14,474 --> 00:16:16,244
Now, please,
let me just go out
383
00:16:16,242 --> 00:16:19,012
with my remaining dignity
intact.
384
00:16:19,012 --> 00:16:22,012
This is Kent Brockman thinking
dark and suicidal thoughts.
385
00:16:22,015 --> 00:16:23,275
It's quiet here in the gutter.
386
00:16:23,283 --> 00:16:24,283
Very quiet.
387
00:16:24,284 --> 00:16:25,584
Well, it was.
388
00:16:31,624 --> 00:16:34,034
Okay, who would like
to start today?
389
00:16:34,027 --> 00:16:37,657
Anyone? Anyone?
390
00:16:37,664 --> 00:16:39,734
Oh, come on.
391
00:16:42,135 --> 00:16:44,635
In three, two...
392
00:16:44,637 --> 00:16:46,137
I'm here live
at the support group...
393
00:16:46,139 --> 00:16:47,309
Our top feeling today...
394
00:16:47,307 --> 00:16:49,437
This just in: I'm sad.
395
00:16:49,442 --> 00:16:51,442
(slurring): You know,
I'll be tooling around,
396
00:16:51,444 --> 00:16:56,154
and I'll just constantly lapse
into my elocution exercises.
397
00:16:56,149 --> 00:16:58,849
"A Lockheed L-1011
landed safely
398
00:16:58,852 --> 00:17:01,452
in Bogalusa, Louisiana,
after an alert."
399
00:17:01,454 --> 00:17:02,524
Oh, I've been there.
400
00:17:02,522 --> 00:17:04,122
Too true.
Courage.
401
00:17:04,124 --> 00:17:06,894
Kent, you're looking
unusually thoughtful
402
00:17:06,893 --> 00:17:08,393
and silent
for an anchor.
403
00:17:08,395 --> 00:17:09,985
You know, I thought
I'd come to terms
404
00:17:09,996 --> 00:17:12,956
with life off the news cycle,
and then, bang,
405
00:17:12,966 --> 00:17:14,996
I was offered
a scoop on a platter.
406
00:17:15,001 --> 00:17:17,041
(slurring): Well,
did you leap on that lead
407
00:17:17,037 --> 00:17:18,897
like a lion on a lemur?
408
00:17:18,905 --> 00:17:22,735
I passed! As in, "I am
a thing of the..."
409
00:17:22,742 --> 00:17:25,012
Dan Rather, do you have
something to contribute
410
00:17:25,011 --> 00:17:27,711
besides this delicious
homemade Bundt cake?
411
00:17:27,714 --> 00:17:28,854
Mmm.
412
00:17:28,848 --> 00:17:30,648
Kent, why are you
doing this?
413
00:17:30,650 --> 00:17:32,550
Why did you get
into this business?
414
00:17:32,552 --> 00:17:35,192
Money, women, free coffee.
The usual.
415
00:17:35,188 --> 00:17:39,188
Sir, if you please, these days,
a bona fide uncorrupted story
416
00:17:39,192 --> 00:17:41,362
is rarer than
a snake with sneakers.
417
00:17:41,361 --> 00:17:44,101
It's harder to find than
a yellow-fronted bowerbird.
418
00:17:44,097 --> 00:17:45,597
Jump on it, hoss,
419
00:17:45,598 --> 00:17:48,168
and ride till
Gramma churns the buttermilk.
420
00:17:48,168 --> 00:17:50,498
That's when
the barn dance starts.
421
00:17:50,503 --> 00:17:51,503
What is that feeling?
422
00:17:51,504 --> 00:17:53,504
Is it integrity?
423
00:17:53,506 --> 00:17:55,566
♪ ♪
424
00:17:59,279 --> 00:18:01,209
Good to see ya, buddy. I'm in!
425
00:18:01,214 --> 00:18:03,384
Anybody got eyeliner
and pancake makeup?
426
00:18:03,383 --> 00:18:04,583
Take mine, brother.
427
00:18:04,584 --> 00:18:06,924
Works great
on Mediterranean skin.
428
00:18:06,920 --> 00:18:10,520
It's from my personal line,
Rather Handsome.
429
00:18:10,523 --> 00:18:14,133
Well, Marge, I was humiliated
by Mr. Burns, it's true.
430
00:18:14,127 --> 00:18:17,727
But, to me, this is nothing
more than a temporary setback.
431
00:18:17,730 --> 00:18:20,900
Good for you, Homie.
I'm proud of you.
432
00:18:20,900 --> 00:18:23,100
Hey, Homer Simpson
is not deterred
433
00:18:23,103 --> 00:18:24,873
by a footprint
on his suit.
434
00:18:24,871 --> 00:18:26,201
It'll come out, right?
435
00:18:26,206 --> 00:18:28,636
I don't know.
(shrieks)
436
00:18:28,641 --> 00:18:31,381
Homer, I have a 12-step plan
for your success.
437
00:18:31,377 --> 00:18:34,947
Step number one:
get in a 12-step plan.
438
00:18:41,421 --> 00:18:44,221
(grunts) This is an opportunity!
439
00:18:44,224 --> 00:18:45,894
(screams)
440
00:18:45,892 --> 00:18:47,992
I think I'm
going to Moe's.
441
00:18:47,994 --> 00:18:49,064
(tires screech)
442
00:18:49,062 --> 00:18:50,902
Krusty, we have evidence
that your product
443
00:18:50,897 --> 00:18:52,997
is laced with toxic additives.
444
00:18:52,999 --> 00:18:55,069
Yeah. So why
you bothering me?
445
00:18:55,068 --> 00:18:57,498
LISA: Because your tasty
little treat did this.
446
00:18:57,504 --> 00:18:59,004
(whirring)
447
00:18:59,005 --> 00:19:02,005
I made the doctor cry.
448
00:19:02,008 --> 00:19:04,808
They told me the paralysis
would be temporary!
449
00:19:04,811 --> 00:19:06,081
Five years, tops.
450
00:19:06,079 --> 00:19:07,909
Seriously, come on,
451
00:19:07,914 --> 00:19:10,184
that kid wasn't going
anywhere anyway.
452
00:19:10,183 --> 00:19:13,923
It looks like this clown could
not formalde-hide the truth.
453
00:19:13,920 --> 00:19:16,120
(chuckles)
This is Kent Brockman, saying...
454
00:19:16,122 --> 00:19:17,692
No! I'm gonna sing
Beatles songs
455
00:19:17,690 --> 00:19:19,490
so you can't afford
to show this video!
456
00:19:19,492 --> 00:19:22,062
A-one, two, three, four!
Too late!
457
00:19:23,263 --> 00:19:24,763
Well, you're back
on top, Kent.
458
00:19:24,764 --> 00:19:26,764
And now for a once
monthly feature we do
459
00:19:26,766 --> 00:19:27,966
called Serious Question.
460
00:19:27,967 --> 00:19:28,967
(horn honks)
461
00:19:28,968 --> 00:19:30,668
Tell us, how did
you get this story?
462
00:19:30,670 --> 00:19:32,100
Well, it's funny, actually.
463
00:19:32,105 --> 00:19:34,105
I was trapped
in a burning building...
464
00:19:34,107 --> 00:19:36,867
(gasps) Is he really gonna take
all the credit for this?
465
00:19:36,876 --> 00:19:38,106
Don't ask me.
466
00:19:38,111 --> 00:19:39,781
The last newsman
I could trust
467
00:19:39,779 --> 00:19:43,309
was that bigamist,
Charles Kuralt.
468
00:19:43,316 --> 00:19:45,676
It was a burning building
called my career.
469
00:19:45,685 --> 00:19:47,185
Thank God I had help.
470
00:19:47,187 --> 00:19:50,047
Lisa Simpson, you deserve to be
on this couch with me.
471
00:19:50,056 --> 00:19:52,056
But because I don't lie anymore,
472
00:19:52,058 --> 00:19:54,558
I have to say I didn't fight
too hard when they said no.
473
00:19:54,561 --> 00:19:56,361
Hmm. Is that enough?
474
00:19:56,362 --> 00:19:58,002
Are you kidding?
475
00:19:57,997 --> 00:20:00,497
You got Hollywood's
highest honor:
476
00:20:00,500 --> 00:20:03,130
shared credit, no money.
477
00:20:08,708 --> 00:20:10,238
I've been informed
that this is my last newscast
478
00:20:10,243 --> 00:20:12,013
as anchor of the Channel 6 News.
479
00:20:12,011 --> 00:20:14,811
Before I go, I'd like to get
a few things off my chest.
480
00:20:14,814 --> 00:20:17,654
I've made out
with Kent's daughter.
481
00:20:17,650 --> 00:20:19,050
The grown-up one!
482
00:20:19,052 --> 00:20:20,252
Are you almost through?
483
00:20:20,253 --> 00:20:22,053
In a hurry
to fail again, Kent?!
484
00:20:22,055 --> 00:20:24,515
No, it's just I've been
off the air for six weeks,
485
00:20:24,524 --> 00:20:25,724
and it was torture.
486
00:20:25,725 --> 00:20:27,155
Sometimes I'd watch
Bill O'Reilly
487
00:20:27,160 --> 00:20:29,530
and pretend it was an older,
stupider version of me.
488
00:20:29,529 --> 00:20:31,229
Go ahead. Take your chair.
489
00:20:31,231 --> 00:20:33,601
Do what you do best.
490
00:20:35,902 --> 00:20:38,902
Tonight's lotto numbers:
six, 17, 42,
491
00:20:38,905 --> 00:20:41,005
45 and 83!
492
00:20:41,007 --> 00:20:42,967
I'm back!
493
00:20:50,583 --> 00:20:53,653
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
494
00:21:28,121 --> 00:21:30,191
Shh!
33193
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