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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: {1}{1}23.976 {53}{106}Okay in Avatar when|they gave sex in Pandora {112}{171}they hook up their ponytails,|so we know their ponytails {172}{236}are like their junk. {237}{276}Yeah... so? {276}{328}So, when they ride horses|and fly on the birds, {328}{360}they also use their ponytails. {361}{389}What's your point? {390}{447}My point is,|if I were a horse or a bird, {448}{500}I'd be very nervous|around James Cameron. {528}{592}It amazes me|how you constantly obsess {592}{627}over fictional details {628}{665}when there|are more important things {666}{698}in the real world|to worry about. {699}{728}For example,|why wasn't William Shatner {729}{784}{Y:i}in the new Star Trek movie? {805}{829}Hey, Sheldon. {830}{864}I was up in the|administration office, {865}{897}and I happened|to overhear {898}{929}the name of the winner {930}{986}of this year's|Chancellor's Award for Science. {987}{1036}And you want to rub|my nose in the fact {1036}{1080}that my contributions|are being overlooked again? {1081}{1145}I am the William Shatner|of theoretical physics. {1178}{1203}All right, I'll play. {1204}{1241}What self-important,|preening fraud {1242}{1279}are they honoring this year? {1280}{1340}Oh, I'm so glad you asked it|like that. You. {1396}{1437}I won?|You won. {1438}{1496}I won! {1496}{1539}This is astonishing. {1540}{1601}Not that I won the award--|no one deserves it more. {1602}{1639}Actually, I guess I misspoke. {1640}{1686}It's not astonishing;|more like inevitable. {1720}{1755}I'm not sure what to do first. {1756}{1789}Maybe I should call my mother. {1790}{1836}Wait! I know-- I'm going|to conduct an interview {1836}{1872}with myself and post it online. {1946}{1987}Well, good for him. {1988}{2056}Yeah, the one thing|the William Shatner {2057}{2155}of theoretical physics needed|was an ego boost. {2156}{2242}♪ Our whole universe|was in a hot, dense state ♪ {2243}{2322}♪ Then nearly 14 billion years|ago expansion started... Wait! ♪ {2323}{2360}♪ The Earth began to cool ♪ {2361}{2422}♪ The autotrophs began to drool,|Neanderthals developed tools ♪ {2423}{2486}{Y:i}♪ We built the Wall ♪|♪ We built the pyramids ♪ {2487}{2550}♪ Math, Science, History,|unraveling the mystery ♪ {2551}{2596}♪ That all started|with a big bang ♪ {2596}{2636}{Y:i}♪ Bang! ♪ {2637}{2700}The Big Bang Theory 3x18|The Pants Alternative|Original Air Date on March 22, 2010 {2702}{2776}-- Sync, corrected by elderman --|-- for www.addic7ed.com -- {3195}{3236}Didn't it look|like that spear {3237}{3287}was going to go|right through your skull? {3288}{3322}No. {3359}{3402}Hey, you didn't want a Slurpee|at 7-Eleven, {3403}{3441}you don't get glasses. {3514}{3583}Oh, that will be another|congratulatory call for me. {3584}{3625}Uh, mute, please. {3626}{3678}Wait, wait. Hang on--|flaming arrow. {3757}{3791}Hello? {3792}{3859}Oh, Chancellor Morton,|how are you, sir? {3907}{3948}Yes, I was expecting your call. {3949}{3992}Three years ago. {4013}{4046}I see. {4047}{4118}Wait. What happens if I choose|not to give a speech? {4119}{4158}Uh-huh. {4159}{4221}And if I don't want|to forfeit the award? {4249}{4318}Well, you've got that tied up|in a neat little bow. {4319}{4344}All right. {4345}{4383}Thank you. {4383}{4415}Problem. {4416}{4450}What? {4451}{4516}They expect me to give a speech|at the banquet. {4517}{4555}I can't give a speech. {4555}{4598}Well, no,|you're mistaken. {4599}{4672}You give speeches|all the time. {4719}{4796}What you can't|do is shut up. {4797}{4839}Yeah, before the movie, {4839}{4943}you did 20 minutes|on why guacamole turns brown. {4944}{5009}It turned brown|while you were talking. {5010}{5079}I am perfectly comfortable|speaking to small groups. {5080}{5131}I cannot speak to large crowds. {5132}{5167}What, to you, is a large crowd? {5168}{5227}Any group big enough|to trample me to death. {5260}{5357}General rule of thumb|is 36 adults or 70 children. {5358}{5430}Sheldon, congratulations. {5431}{5470}Brought you a cheesecake|from work. {5471}{5506}You know, 'cause of your award, {5507}{5550}not because a busboy sneezed|on it. {5624}{5690}I'm not accepting the award.|Why not? {5691}{5779}Turns out the great Sheldon|Cooper has stage fright. {5779}{5807}That's no reason to back out. {5808}{5853}You know, I once got|a pretty big honor {5854}{5894}in high school,|and I was terrified {5895}{5933}about appearing|in front of a big crowd, {5934}{5986}but I went through with|it, and you know what? {5987}{6031}The world|looked pretty darn good {6032}{6096}sitting on a haystack|in the back of a Ford F-150 {6097}{6170}as a member|of the Corn Queen's court. {6219}{6242}Thank you. {6243}{6274}Yeah, I'll bear that in mind {6275}{6338}if I'm ever nominated|for the Hillbilly Peace Prize. {6391}{6449}Sheldon,|you're being ridiculous. {6450}{6474}Am I? {6475}{6506}Let me tell you a story. {6507}{6571}Where's 70 children|when you need them? {6599}{6710}I was 14 and graduating|summa cum laude from college. {6711}{6790}"Summa cum laude" is Latin|for "with highest honors." {6791}{6834}I just love how|you always skip {6835}{6902}over the part|where no one asks. {6903}{6962}I was valedictorian|and expected to give an address. {6964}{7017}Even now,|I can remember that moment {7018}{7094}when I walked up to the podium|and looked out at the crowd. {7095}{7142}There must have been thousands|of people. {7143}{7195}My heart started pounding|in my chest. {7196}{7233}I began to|hyperventilate. {7234}{7321}My vision became blurry,|and before I knew it... {7322}{7368}Oh, dear. {7369}{7406}Oh, my God. {7407}{7432}Sheldon? {7433}{7470}Sheldon, are you okay? {7471}{7518}Don't trample me. {7574}{7600}Come on, Mother. {7601}{7673}You know why I can't accept|the award. {7674}{7774}With all due respect,|I don't think praying will help. {7775}{7872}No, I have not heard the song,|"Jesus, Take the Wheel." {7873}{7907}No, no, no, no, no, no, no. {7908}{7968}You don't need|to start singing it. {7969}{8045}Yes, I'll buy it|on the iTunes, Mother. {8046}{8084}Good-bye, Mother. {8220}{8271}Hello. {8272}{8297}Sit down. {8298}{8327}We want to talk to you. {8328}{8359}Am I in trouble? {8360}{8405}Did my mother call you? {8406}{8438}Just sit. {8439}{8526}We think we can help you|with your stage fright. {8527}{8566}Oh, I doubt that. {8567}{8596}I haven't figured out a way, {8597}{8642}and I'm much smarter|than all of you. {8689}{8770}Yes, but you're not smarter|than all of us put together. {8771}{8800}Oh, I'm sorry. {8801}{8844}That is what I meant. {8866}{8895}Okay. Your problem is, {8896}{8949}you're trying to do this|all by yourself. {8950}{8998}We can help you.|We can be your team. {8999}{9066}Like, uh, Professor Xavier|and his X-Men. {9152}{9218}I do like the X-Men. {9219}{9272}{Y:i}Did I see X-Men? {9273}{9306}Yeah, we watched it last week. {9307}{9335}You said you liked it. {9336}{9392}Oh. I say a lot of things,|sweetie. {9434}{9470}So, how about it, Sheldon? {9471}{9505}I don't know. {9506}{9589}If you're my X-Men,|what are your powers? {9590}{9644}Okay. Well, I am going|to take you shopping, {9645}{9681}get you a nice suit. {9682}{9714}Might give you more confidence. {9715}{9767}That's not exactly a mutation|that would get you {9768}{9838}into Xavier's School for|Gifted Youngsters, but go on. {9839}{9869}Leonard? {9870}{9918}I thought I could try|to analyze you {9919}{9967}and get to the root|of your anxiety. {9968}{10048}What qualifies you to attempt|to understand my mind? {10049}{10110}My mother is|a highly regarded psychiatrist, {10111}{10188}and I've been in therapy|ever since she accused me {10189}{10249}of breast-feeding codependently. {10299}{10353}Raj says he can|teach you... {10354}{10401}What did you call it? {10402}{10480}I don't know-- some|Indian meditation crap. {10517}{10546}I see. {10547}{10593}Well, I assume,|since the rest of you {10594}{10650}have set the bar so|low, you're saving {10651}{10689}the most impressive contribution|for last. {10690}{10721}Go ahead, Howard. {10722}{10771}Dazzle me. {10801}{10885}My power is the ability|to pretend {10886}{10979}like I give a damn|about your piddily-ass problems. {11091}{11158}And that's 24-seven, buddy. {11187}{11258}And I appreciate|the pretense. {11285}{11315}So, what do you say, Sheldon? {11316}{11356}Are we your X-Men? {11357}{11385}No. {11386}{11466}The X-Men were named for the "X"|in Charles Xavier. {11467}{11571}Since I am Sheldon Cooper,|you will be my C-Men. {11691}{11743}Oh, that's not a good name. {11859}{11896}Okay, Sheldon. {11897}{11937}I'm going|to be leading you {11938}{11990}through a series|of meditation exercises. {11991}{12069}These methods come|from the ancient gurus of India {12070}{12146}and have helped me|overcome my own fears. {12167}{12238}And yet, you can't|speak to women. {12267}{12321}True, but thanks to meditation,|I am able to stay {12322}{12370}in the same room with them|without urinating. {12435}{12517}Now...|close your eyes. {12518}{12587}Okay, but don't punch me. {12588}{12620}What? {12621}{12674}When I was little, my|sister would say to me, {12675}{12720}"Close your eyes,|you'll get a surprise," {12721}{12763}and then she'd punch me. {12764}{12807}I'm not going to punch you. {12808}{12854}That's what my|sister used to say. {12877}{12914}Do you want to do this or not? {12915}{12958}I'm sorry. Proceed. {12959}{12998}All right. {12999}{13048}Imagine yourself|in the one place {13049}{13090}you feel most at home. {13091}{13123}Where is that? {13124}{13194}Sim City. {13228}{13307}More specifically,|the Sim City I designed-- {13308}{13357}Sheldonopolis. {13358}{13416}Okay, you're|in Sheldonopolis. {13417}{13458}Where exactly? {13459}{13509}Sheldon Square? Sheldon Towers? {13510}{13597}Sheldon Stadium,|home of the Fighting Sheldons? {13598}{13633}Whatever you like. {13634}{13699}I thought this was supposed|to be a guided meditation. {13700}{13767}Fine. You're in Sheldon Square. {13768}{13796}Really? This time of year? {13797}{13830}It's a bit nippy. {13831}{13879}Then, put on a sweater. {13880}{13926}Suppose I could run downtown {13927}{14005}and pick up something|at Shel-Mart. {14006}{14052}Yeah, whatever.|Just go buy a sweater. {14053}{14108}You know, the nice thing|about Shel-Mart is I own it, {14109}{14166}so I get a 15% discount. {14167}{14207}You own the damn thing. {14208}{14254}Just take a freaking sweater! {14255}{14307}Look, I didn't turn a profit|last quarter {14308}{14379}by taking product|off the shelves willy-nilly. {14380}{14446}All right. {14446}{14542}You've paid for a sweater,|and you're in Sheldon Square. {14543}{14600}Hang on. {14631}{14694}It's a cardigan.|I have to button it. {14763}{14796}Oh, no. {14797}{14824}What now? {14825}{14897}A Godzilla-like monster|is approaching the city. {14898}{14953}I have to get my|people to safety. {14954}{15030}People of Sheldonopolis,|this is your mayor. {15031}{15060}Follow me. {15061}{15147}If the children can't run,|leave them behind. {15186}{15264}Oh, the simulated horror! {15478}{15529}Raj? {15559}{15610}Just as I suspected. {15611}{15673}Meditation is nothing but hokum. {15844}{15885}I question your premise. {15886}{15938}How is a new suit going|to prevent me {15939}{15994}from passing out in front of|a ballroom full of people? {15994}{16042}It'll give you confidence. {16042}{16082}You know, sometimes when|I'm feeling all stressed out {16083}{16138}about something, I go out|and buy a cute top {16138}{16213}or a fun skirt and I have|a whole new outlook on life. {16214}{16261}Don't you eventually|realize {16262}{16305}you're just the same|stressed out person {16306}{16355}in a cute top|or a fun skirt? {16356}{16420}Yeah, that's when I buy shoes. {16446}{16484}Now, let's see|what we've got. {16485}{16512}Ooh! {16513}{16570}This is nice. {16570}{16639}It's only one color. {16640}{16672}Yeah, so? {16673}{16749}That's a lot of money|for only one color. {16750}{16774}Fine. {16774}{16818}Why don't you pick out|what you like. {16839}{16899}Hmm. {16900}{16951}This is pretty sharp. {17082}{17113}No. {17114}{17152}You're wrong. {17180}{17226}This is great. {17227}{17306}I had a suit like this|when I was six. {17398}{17450}Okay, I think|we have a winner. {17516}{17559}Where the hell'd you find that? {17560}{17616}In the prom department. {17617}{17650}It's ridiculous. {17650}{17744}Says the former member|of the Corn Queen's Court. {17766}{17828}Please just try|this one on. {17829}{17853}Okay. {17854}{17888}But anything I put on now {17889}{17946}is only going to suffer|in comparison. {18094}{18136}This is absurd. {18137}{18170}I look like a clown. {18263}{18328}So, Sheldon... {18374}{18417}...how you doing? {18418}{18505}That's how you start a|psychotherapy session? {18506}{18537}"How am I doing?" {18538}{18597}I was promised|a riverboat journey {18598}{18651}into the jungles|of my subconscious. {18652}{18697}Instead, I get the same|question I hear {18698}{18773}from the lady who slices|my bologna at Ralph's. {18793}{18846}I'm sorry, I'll start again. {18847}{18893}Would it be helpful to you {18894}{18945}if I told you|about my dreams? {18946}{18993}Um, I don't know, maybe. {18994}{19050}I recently had a dream {19050}{19109}that I was a giant. {19110}{19170}But everything around me|was to scale, {19171}{19222}so it all looked normal. {19298}{19348}How did you know|you were a giant {19349}{19397}if everything was to scale? {19398}{19482}I was wearing size|a million pants. {19558}{19606}Why don't we just talk? {19606}{19633}Ah. {19634}{19658}The talking cure. {19658}{19693}Classical Freudian.|Good choice. {19694}{19741}If it will help|speed things along, {19742}{19826}uh, my answers to the standard|Rorschach ink blot test are: {19826}{19898}A) a bat, B) a bat, {19898}{19946}C) a bat, {19946}{20001}and D) my father|killing my mother {20002}{20076}with a hypodermic needle. {20098}{20153}Why don't I just start? {20154}{20209}Sometimes {20210}{20266}people have trouble|accepting accolades {20267}{20313}if, on a subconscious level, {20314}{20359}they don't feel|they deserve them. {20360}{20412}Do you think maybe that's|what's happening here? {20413}{20474}Really, Leonard? {20502}{20568}You're just going to try|to recycle Adler's doctrine {20569}{20602}of the inferiority complex? {20603}{20675}I could probably get that|from the woman at Ralph's. {20676}{20758}And she'd let me taste some|pieces of cheese for free. {20758}{20804}But it could be part|of your problem. {20805}{20837}Let me give you|an example. {20838}{20876}When I was eight, {20877}{20929}I won a ribbon|at the science fair {20930}{21017}for my project, "Do Lima Beans|Grow Better to Classical Music." {21018}{21071}But my mother pointed out {21072}{21142}that it was just a rehash|of my brother's earlier {21142}{21213}"Do Lima Beans Grow Worse|to Rock 'n' Roll." {21250}{21338}I felt so guilty,|I gave the ribbon back. {21339}{21400}And how did that|make you feel? {21401}{21447}Terrible. {21448}{21518}I worked really hard|on that project. {21518}{21600}{Y:i}I stayed up all night singing|the clown's aria from Pagliacci {21601}{21668}to a lima bean sprout. {21690}{21751}Go on. {21752}{21799}It wasn't my fault. {21800}{21862}I had never seen|my brother's project. {21862}{21914}And my mother could've|told me before {21915}{21992}instead of at the ceremony|in front of everyone. {22015}{22041}So, I hear you saying {22042}{22122}you're angry|with your mother. {22122}{22196}Damn right, I'm angry|with my mother. {22319}{22392}For God's sake,|I was eight years old. {22393}{22438}She humiliated me. {22438}{22507}That's when the bed-wetting|started again. {22554}{22595}Thank you, Leonard. {22596}{22633}For what? {22634}{22676}If someone as damaged as you {22677}{22733}can find his way to crawl|out of bed each morning, {22734}{22794}I think I can face|a simple award ceremony. {22815}{22861}Wait, that's it? {22862}{22925}I thought we had a whole hour! {22954}{23001}Good evening,|ladies and gentlemen. {23002}{23047}My name is Dr. Leonard|Hofstadter, {23048}{23105}and it is my very great honor|to introduce the winner {23106}{23165}of this year's Chancellor's|award for Science {23166}{23233}and my good friend,|Dr. Sheldon Cooper. {23264}{23312}But before I do, {23313}{23374}I'd like to share with you a|letter from Sheldon's mother, {23375}{23435}who couldn't be here tonight. {23436}{23475}Isn't that nice? {23476}{23522}His mother sent him a letter. {23523}{23571}She's proud of him. {23572}{23640}I wonder what that feels like. {23641}{23674}Anyway, {23675}{23717}"Dear Shelly." {23718}{23773}That's what she calls him. {23774}{23820}Shelly-- it's a pet name. {23821}{23873}You know what my mother's|pet name for me is? {23874}{23905}Leonard. {23958}{24036}But I digress. {24037}{24061}"Dear Shelly..." {24062}{24108}Oh, dear. {24109}{24132}What's the matter? {24133}{24161}I'm getting dizzy. {24162}{24193}Don't worry. {24194}{24260}You're surrounded by your C-Men. {24298}{24321}I can't do this. {24322}{24354}I'm going to faint. {24355}{24378}Here, drink this. {24379}{24404}It'll relax you. {24405}{24433}Alcohol? {24434}{24465}I don't drink alcohol. {24466}{24500}Fine, faint. {24591}{24638}I don't feel different. {24639}{24674}This alcohol is defective. {24674}{24752}Here, see if|this one works. {24774}{24826}First of all, {24827}{24923}the projects|were totally different. {24924}{24952}I was showing {24953}{24999}that classical music nurtures|lima beans {25000}{25034}and makes them grow,|but my mother {25035}{25080}didn't hear me. {25081}{25119}If you'd like to look|at the relationship {25120}{25168}between nurturing and growth,|I'd like to point out {25169}{25253}that my brother is|eight inches taller than me. {25254}{25301}SHELDON|I'm ready. {25302}{25361}Oh, {25362}{25391}right. {25392}{25441}Ladies and gentlemen,|our guest of honor {25442}{25482}Dr. Sheldon|Cooper. {25547}{25633}Thanks, shorty,|I'll take it from here. {25634}{25698}All right, you people ready|to have some fun? {25699}{25725}You have a basic {25726}{25761}understanding|of differential calculus {25762}{25813}and at least one year|of algebraic topology? {25814}{25860}Well, then here come the jokes. {25907}{25986}Why did the chicken|cross the Mobius strip? {25987}{26057}To get to the same side--|bazinga! {26085}{26136}All right, a neutron walks|into a bar and asks, {26137}{26162}"How much for a drink?" {26163}{26213}The bartender says,|"For you, no charge." {26337}{26381}Hello? {26402}{26429}I know you're out there. {26430}{26475}I can hear you|metabolizing oxygen {26476}{26533}and expelling carbon dioxide. {26570}{26632}Looks like we have some academic|dignitaries in the audience. {26633}{26695}Dr. Randall|from the geology department-- {26696}{26761}only man who's happy when they|take his work for granite. {26762}{26813}Ba-da cha! {26855}{26901}I kid the geologists,|of course, {26902}{26957}but it's only 'cause I have|no respect for the field. {26988}{27059}Let's get serious for a moment. {27144}{27205}Why are we all here? {27206}{27251}'Cause we're scientists. {27252}{27321}And what do scientists study? {27322}{27363}The universe. {27364}{27415}And what's the|universe made of? {27416}{27476}I am so glad you asked. {27477}{27527}♪ There's antimony ♪ {27528}{27572}♪ Arsenic, aluminum,|selenium ♪ {27573}{27627}♪ And hydrogen and oxygen|and nitrogen and rhenium ♪ {27628}{27688}♪ And nickel, neodymium,|neptunium, germanium ♪ {27689}{27714}Everybody! {27715}{27762}♪ And iron,|americium ♪ {27763}{27832}♪ Ruthenium, uranium,|europium, zirconium, ♪ {27833}{27869}♪ Lutetium, vanadium ♪ {27870}{27893}Just the Asians! {27894}{27936}♪ And lanthanum|and osmium ♪ {27937}{27977}♪ And astatine and radium... ♪ {28373}{28429}Penny, Leonard. {28430}{28488}Would you be able|to answer some questions {28489}{28565}I'm having about|the events of last night? {28566}{28604}Sure. {28605}{28655}Question one... {28656}{28703}where are my pants? {28704}{28763}You might want|to check YouTube. {28812}{28844}What do I search? {28845}{28909}It's already loaded.|Just hit play. {28959}{29048}SHELDON|All right, people, let's|get down to the math. {29049}{29107}It is only|three dimensional thinking {29107}{29161}that limits our imagination. {29162}{29218}Can I take my pants|off over my head? {29219}{29273}Of course not. {29274}{29311}My body's in the way. {29311}{29459}But if we had access|to higher dimensions, {29460}{29552}we could move our pants|around our bodies {29553}{29630}through the fourth dimension {29631}{29726}and our days of dropping|trousers would be over. {29807}{29851}Oh, Lord... {29851}{29911}This couldn't be|any more humiliating. {29912}{29938}Give it a minute. {29939}{29985}Now, for the astronomers {29986}{30031}in the audience,|get ready to see {30031}{30077}the dark side of the moon. {30112}{30145}And here's Uranus. {30146}{30219}-- Sync, corrected by elderman --|-- for www.addic7ed.com -- 21522