Original subtitles

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

Subtitles by explosiveskull

(DRUM MUSIC)

Morning, Bayzo!

Fuck.

Hey, Lana!

'Sup Scabs?

Might have something big brewin'!

Tell me!

I can't talk about it. I don't wanna jinx it.

I love you, Tina Warden.

I love you more!

- Nuh-uh. - Uh-huh!

Hey!

Hey, would you listen to me?

No, I have wasted enough time.

You don't know what you're talking about,

you bloody philistine!

I can't live like this anymore!

You'll see!

One day my paintings are gonna be worth millions.

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

(THUMPING)

(MACHINE GUN CHATTERING)

(ALARM WHOOPING)

(SIREN WAILING)

DISPATCHER: All units, we have a 211 in progress

on Lankershim and Hesby.

Shots fired, repeat, shots fired.

All I'm saying is that all the CEOs

that bankrupted this country should have went to prison.

Hang the greedy cocksuckers in Times Square.

Make a day of it.

Jake on the river.

Fin spot.

All in.

Speaking of greedy bastards.

I'm low stacked.

Gotta make a move.

I call your bluffing ass.

I think not, sucker.

Trip nines.

Jack high flush.

You lucky prick, you chased down

a flush with all my betting?

I had a feeling, daddy-o.

All night long you've been knocking out

guys catching river cards.

That's the way it goes, kemosabe.

Congratulations, Trevor.

What the hell happened to your TV?

Threw it out.

Can't stand your network TV crap.

It's really depressing.

Then what the hell do you do?

Read, paint, think.

Can't blame you with the shit we put out.

Yeah, shit you can't even get on.

Blow me!

Hey, hey, hey, what are you doing?

What are you doing?

I'm just seeing if the whore's

got any action going tonight.

I don't want her seeing you, mate.

You said she likes it.

I don't need any more headaches, okay?

She's been wanting to bang you.

You're free now, right?

Out, out, out, out.

Give me a shout the next time she puts on another show.

Don't cut off your ear, Van Gogh, Nancy will be back.

No, no, no.

Take it, you hosted and bought booze.

Thanks man.

What about me?

You're uber flush.

Yeah, fucking funny.

I got an eight cent residual check today.

I'm broke.

I drive deadbeat pool riders.

Then why'd you play?

Because I thought I was gonna win.

You think that every time.

Yeah, because normally I do, every time.

Not tonight.

Yeah, because you had a shoe horse up your ass.

You beat bees chasin' a gut shot,

hammered chip catching a boat on a river,

and knocked out mudcap with quads!

Take it and stop your crying.

Love you, brother.

I had a nice time tonight, Ciaran.

Don't let it get you down, Nancy loves you.

You don't want her back.

Don't say that.

No offense, but I never liked her.

She was a safety from day one.

They're all the same.

They love you when you're 20, oh, you're so talented,

you hit 25 still struggling, they get anxious.

But you cross 30 and haven't made it,

they hit the bricks just like that bitch Beth

did to me with the fucking WB-gan.

Two years, glad to see you're over it.

Yeah, all they want in the end is security,

and she'll turn you into a fucking tax accountant to get it.

Don't you call her.

I'm not.

I see that look.

Oh, baby, please come back to me (IMITATING CRYING).

I'm not, alright?

Fuck her!

That's right!

Fuck her, fuck 'em all!

We're artists, that's what we do.

Let's go, Mister Romance.

Uh-huh.

(DOOR CLOSING)

(MELANCHOLY MUSIC)

Fucking piece of shit.

(HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRRING)

Baby, please come back.

You know how much I love you.

I love you.

No, no I'm not drunk.

I'm not drunk.

I can't, what?

I can't hear, there's something going on.

I can't even hear what you're saying.

Nancy?

Nancy?

Nancy?

Bitch.

(POLICE RADIO CHATTERING FAINTLY)

(SMOOTH RHYTHMIC MUSIC)

Oh baby, you know what daddy likes

Oh, great.

Just my luck.

(HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRRING)

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

(POLICE SIREN WAILING)

(HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRRING)

(POLICE SIREN WAILING)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Please tell me you didn't call.

No, of course not.

Good man.

I left a few brews.

Hey, what was with the choppers earlier?

Ah, bank robbery.

B of A on Lankershim.

Cops have been searching for hours,

but you'd know that if you had a TV.

Ah, gracias.

(PENSIVE MUSIC)

Hello, belle.

(HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRRING)

Holy shit!

Wow.

Please tell me you're not punking me.

Oh, it's real.

I was up all night counting it.

How much?

$650,000.

That's some serious cabbage.

Fuck yeah, can I?

No, no, don't touch it!

I just wanna smell it.

Ciaran?

(SNIFFING)

Oh, smells like victory.

Okay, put it back.

They never returned, huh?

Unless they did between the two hours

of sleep that I got this morning.

No one saw you?

Don't think so.

What are you gonna do?

I don't know.

What do you mean you don't know?

Okay, calm down.

There's probably gonna be a good reward.

Are you nuts?

He can't keep it.

Of course he can.

He'd go to prison.

Yeah, what about all those cocksuckers that robbed

the country that you're always bitching about?

This is different.

How?

I'm not getting into this.

Fuck B of A.

Ciaran.

I don't know, man.

The feds are gonna be looking for it.

Let them.

He didn't steal it, those loser gang-bangers did.

And they're gonna be coming back.

Great!

Hopefully they get caught.

And when they do, they're gonna

tell them where they put it and the feds

are gonna be all over this place.

They're never gonna believe two loser gang-bangers,

and even if they did, he doesn't know anything.

His girlfriend just dumped him and he was passed out drunk,

just like any normal guy would be, end of story.

They're gonna be questioning everyone in the complex.

They'll be monitoring bank accounts, tapping lines.

Come on!

Trust me, feds don't take losing

this amount of money lightly.

They'll do whatever it takes.

So, he hides it and lays low for a while.

It's not that simple.

There's a million ways to get caught.

Not too mention karma.

Oh, fuck karma.

Maybe God wanted us to have it.

Ever think of that?

You asked for my two cents and I gave it to you.

Ciaran, don't be stupid.

Okay, okay!

My head is killing me.

This can change our lives, Ciaran.

What do you mean, ours?

(CHUCKLES)

Well you wouldn't have found it if it wasn't for me.

Oh yeah, how's that?

Well I told you about the robbery.

I saw them stash it.

Before or after I came over.

Before.

Then how come you didn't say anything then?

I was freaked out, alright?

It's not every day I find this kind of money.

Seemed pretty calm to me.

Okay, let's not do this.

He found it and that's it!

Hmm.

What?

Stop!

Fine.

Okay, I gotta think this over.

You'll do the right thing.

Let's go.

Whatever you do, don't turn in that fucking money, Ciaran.

As long as you play it cool, you can beat 'em.

And you can get a thousand hotter chicks than Nancy.

(DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING)

(RELAXED MUSIC)

Look at this fucking clown.

Ah!

Carry on.

(WHISTLING)

Abracadabra!

(LAUGHING)

For you.

Oh, thank you so much!

My pleasure.

(SPLASHING)

Ah!

Bet you didn't see that trick coming,

you fucking Hou-dimwit.

You're disgusting!

I'm gonna go tell Adele!

Oh yeah, run to your mommy, you little bitch!

(CAT SCREAMING)

(SMOOTH MUSIC)

Yo, what the fuck?

Where the bags at?

It's not here, dawg!

Look.

- Son of a bitch. Shit. - Come on, come on.

I wanna suck your cock.

You picked the wrong dude to mess with.

Yeah, too bad for you, hombre.

(YELLING)

- (FOOT THUMPING) - (GRUNTING)

(GRUNTING)

Don't you guys have pads?

Pads are for pussies!

Right, Scabs?

No, you gotta have pads.

- (GROANING) - (LAUGHING)

(LIGHTHEARTED MUSIC)

I miss my family in Dublin, man.

It's been three years.

They're going through a rough time, too.

I understand, but...

I was thinking I could just send them a few grand.

Turn in the rest.

You don't think they'd know?

Come on, banks lie about this shit all the time.

They probably reported two million stolen.

I wouldn't put it past them.

I'm sure they'll be happy just to get it back.

(THUMPING)

(OMINOUS MUSIC)

Relax.

It's Owen.

Hey, what's going on?

Not much.

I got a birthday gift for you.

My birthday's not for two weeks.

I thought you could use this now that you're single.

Betsy's been good to me.

Had her custom made after Beth left.

You sick bastard.

I'm ain't touching that nasty thing.

Come on.

Man gets lonely, Nurse Rachet.

(CHUCKLES)

She gives pretty good head, too.

Oh hey, Trev.

What's up?

Nothing, just came by to see how he was doing.

Oh.

Those gang-bangers came back last night

looking for the money.

What'd they do?

Nothing Owen, they just took off pissed.

Beautiful!

Last thief is the best thief.

Hey, I'm not a thief, alright?

It's just an expression where I come from.

How come you guys didn't call me?

I'm right across the hall.

He didn't call me, I just came by.

Oh, so it's a coincidence?

Meaning?

Nothing.

You take a look at them?

No, it was too dark.

Fuck 'em, should have called the cops on 'em.

(CHUCKLES) Yeah, that's all I need.

Well, I didn't hear about it on the news anyway.

Doesn't mean it's over.

Its L.A., there's a bank robbery every day.

I think it's stupid to turn in the money.

I say you hide it and lay low till things blow over.

I don't know.

Well I do, alright?

They could get killed in a shoot out.

Anything's possible.

I just think it's stupid to turn it in.

We've all struggled for years

and what do we have to show for it?

You're right.

You're fucking right, I'm right!

It's up to you, Ciaran.

I know, I know.

Look, how 'bout you give me a few C-notes,

and I'll go break 'em in some joints in Hollywood?

No, they could be marked.

Just as a test.

Look, I don't think it's a good idea.

Fine.

Continue painting, you continue writing

great scripts no one ever buys,

and I'll continue auditioning for shit

because that's all they ever make.

And we'll all continue living like fucking animals!

Jesus!

(FAINT SPEAKING)

(OMINOUS MUSIC)

(LIVELY IRISH MUSIC)

Stay the fuck away from me.

Give me the money.

(FAINT SPEAKING)

What are you guys talking about?

Give us the fucking money and we'll go!

Stay away from me!

(FAINT SPEAKING)

- (THUMPING FAINTLY) - (GRUNTING FAINTLY)

Shit.

Hola, Humberto.

Buenos dias, Ciaran.

(OMINOUS MUSIC)

Keep everyone back, I don't want

anything to mess up the forensics.

10-4, detective.

Hey Lana, do you know what's going on here?

Some woman was murdered next door.

Do you know which condo?

In the back, I think.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit.

Oh, fuck, fuck.

Jesus Christ, (FAINT SPEAKING).

Stay away from her, we'll let (FAINT SPEAKING) handle this.

Where's McNutty, he calling off again?

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

(MUTTERING) Fuck...

Look, now's not a good time, alright?

Oh, hi.

(SCOFFS)

Don't have time for what?

I didn't think it was you.

You don't seem too thrilled to see me.

It's great to see you, hon, honestly.

Uh, aren't you gonna invite me in?

I was just gonna go get some cigs.

Are you hiding someone in here?

No.

What's going on?

Nothing.

Okay, a few days ago you were begging me to come back,

and now you're not even happy to see me.

I thought it was Owen.

Oh, great, that loser.

He's just going through a rough time, like we all are.

Okay, he was born ignorant,

and has been losing ground ever since.

Not too mention he is a bottom-feeding,

broke, alcoholic Lyft driver.

Uber.

Okay, that's even worse. They don't even tip.

Anything else?

(SIGHS)

I care about you, Ciaran, I really do.

You're smart and you're funny, you're so talented.

I just can't stand by and watch

your friends drag you down with them.

No, they're not, they're not.

Alright, I'm sorry.

Hey, I love you.

Honey, honey, honey, honey.

What?

Now's not a good time.

What?

What's this?

I'm going on a fishing trip just to clear my head.

Mm.

And who's the other bag for?

Trevor.

He gave the other one to Hanika.

Hmm.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Would you please get the fuck out of our lives!

We get that all the time.

Yeah, but usually we're in their lives, first.

I am so sorry, I thought it was someone else.

I am Detective Dark, this is my partner, McNutty.

Don't go there.

We need to ask the tenant a few questions.

That'd be me.

May we?

Please.

Thanks.

(UNEASY MUSIC)

What's going on?

Woman next door was murdered.

We just need to ask a few basics.

Murdered?

Yeah, it happens occasionally in L.A.

Oh, my God.

I'll talk to you later, honey, okay?

- Are you sure? - Yeah, I'm gonna be fine.

- Okay, call me later. - I will. I will.

You got yourself a real charmer there.

Uh, we had a little fight, you know.

Painter, huh?

Yeah, trying.

Aren't we all.

Kinda dark.

I have my days.

Don't we all.

The woman murdered was directly

across from your window here.

So I heard.

From who?

A neighbor, Lana.

What's up with the bags?

We were gonna take a little trip.

You know, Nancy had to work so that's why we fought.

(CHUCKLES) Every single time, huh?

You see anything?

No, I got drunk after the fight,

and then I passed out around 10.

Hmm, 10.

What time was she...

Right about that time.

Yeah.

Must have been a real sicko to have

done that to that girl, hmm?

Worst I've ever seen.

Gut the hell out of her.

Wow.

Let me ask you, why did you hide when I saw you?

Oh, no, I wasn't hiding.

Nancy was at the door.

Hmm.

Did you hear any screaming or anything?

No, sorry.

See any suspicious characters in the neighborhood last night?

Uh, no.

Although, there was a few

police helicopters the other night.

Oh, that was the NoHo bank robbery.

- Is that what it was? - Here's my card.

Call me if you have any questions.

- Yeah. - Sure thing.

Go easy on the sauce, kid, huh?

No matter what it is, they're not worth it, trust me.

This guy's a drunk.

Yeah.

Just odd, I couldn't figure out what the accent was.

Whether it was English, Irish, Welsh, something, whatever.

It's not him.

We'll see.

Here, drink this.

Oh man, this is bad.

You know, I feel so terrible.

Just relax.

Take it easy.

That poor girl.

She was a ho!

Look, I'm just saying, it goes with the territory.

They killed her!

Nobody deserves to die like that!

You don't know that they did it.

She was banging ever low life john in the valley.

Any one of those twisted fucks could have done it.

I mean, look at the Craigslist guy.

He could be right.

They saw her, the next day she's dead!

That's all my fault!

I just think you're overreacting.

Owen's probably right.

It could just be a coincidence.

Don't be so hard on yourself.

I gotta think.

Okay, get some rest.

Call me later.

I'm right across the way.

Don't do anything stupid.

(UNEASY MUSIC)

Would you just relax?

He wouldn't have even found that money if it wasn't for me!

Alright, just calm down!

This is our big ticket out!

- Yeah, okay. - Alright, and change our lives!

Alright, please.

Hanika needs to just be out of the picture.

Stop, stop.

But you don't hang out with the boys anymore.

Any card!

Fuck off, Ming, alright!

Sorry.

(OMINOUS MUSIC)

(ROCK MUSIC)

Fucking Duck.

Hey Duck!

Duck, it's one in the fucking morning!

Oh, that early?

Yeah, turn it down, mate.

Hey, go fuck yourself, Ciaran.

(LAUGHING)

Hey, one of these days I'm gonna kick your fucking ass!

Well, why not do it right now, huh?

You're outta here, you fucking asshole.

Yeah, good luck, painter pussy.

(THUMPING)

This fucking place.

(DEEP MUSIC)

Hey, Scabs!

Scabs, can you give it a break, mate?

Oh, how you doin', Ciaran?

Fuck off.

This fucking place!

That fucker's crazy.

I can't take it anymore.

I'll talk to him again.

No, that's it, I'm leaving.

Consider this my 30 day notice!

Either he goes or I go.

(OMINOUS MUSIC)

Hola.

I'm looking for the manager.

That's me.

I'm here to see the junior one bedroom.

$950, first and last.

The living room has brand new carpets

and Cesar Romero used to live here.

Do you have anything on the other side?

Not till next month.

It's one bedroom.

Which apartment?

24, right across the way.

He's been with us for years.

(OMINOUS MUSIC)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

MAN: NoHo Pizza Boys, order for Ming.

MING: I didn't order no pizza.

(THUMPING)

Hey, hey, hey, what are you doing?

MAN 2: Hey, where's the money, magic man?

MING: What are you talking about?

MAN: Don't play games with us, where's the fucking money?

MING: I don't know what the hell you're talking about!

(CRASHING)

- MAN: Then why are you moving? - MING: Huh?

MAN: Why are you moving?

- MING: That crazy Duck! - (CRASHING)

MAN 2: That's why you're moving?

MING: Don't steal all my money!

Give me my money!

(GRUNTING)

McNUTTY: So have you been living in this apartment for a while?

I mean, in this complex?

Okay.

Alright.

- Thank you so much. - Yeah.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

(MUG SHATTERING)

Sorry!

(UNEASY MUSIC)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Right on cue, fuck my life.

I'll be right there.

Morning detectives.

Not for some of us.

I prefer my coffee black.

Yeah, sorry about that.

I got freaked out seeing the dead magician.

May we?

Yeah, yeah, please.

Let me get you a napkin.

That'd be alright.

You know the guy?

Who?

The murdered magician.

Ah, ah, no, no.

He kept to himself, you know.

He was very quiet.

I bet he wasn't quiet last night.

His name was Ming the Magician.

He worked at the Magic Mansion.

You ever speak to him?

No, I saw him in the washroom once in a while,

but he never said a word.

He have any friends?

Not that I know of.

You know, he was kind of a weird loner.

You hear anything?

I was sound asleep, and I heard

this rumbling sound so I woke up.

But it stopped and I fell back asleep.

Guy's getting brutally murdered right next door,

and you go back to sleep?

I thought it was an earthquake, man, you know?

It's tragic.

It coulda been me.

Why's that?

Someone want you dead?

Oh no, of course not.

Why do you got blood dripping from your hands?

Oh, I found this rabbit.

That would be evidence.

It came hopping out, and so I felt bad for it, you know?

You ever take care of a rabbit before?

No.

My daughters had one.

It died of heat stroke in the back yard last summer.

- Still haven't gotten over it. - Let's not get off track here.

It's astounding to me that you didn't hear a thing.

Sorry.

You boozin' again?

Oh, no, I was sober as a...

I was sober.

Hmm.

You have my number.

What about the rabbit?

Keep it for now.

And it doesn't like carrots,

contrary to what most people believe.

Cabbage.

And keep it out of the direct sun, hmm?

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

Hey, hey, that's mine, that's mine.

You (MUMBLING).

Hey, give it to me.

No, screw.

Give it to me!

Screw you, get lost!

Fine, you want money, you want money?

How's five bucks, huh?

Five bucks.

10.

Alright, 10.

There you go.

It was Duck.

Duck!

Duck.

Fucker!

It was Duck.

What?

Duck.

- What? - Duck.

He had it in for the magician.

I'm lost here.

He hates everybody.

They're deaf.

- Oh. Oh. - Oh, okay.

Really.

Really?

Uh-huh, wow.

Uh-huh.

- Wow. - What's she saying?

Oh, I haven't got a clue, man. I don't sign.

Old bastard!

Oh, Duck!

They think Duck did it.

Yeah.

Who's he?

Goth maggot.

Right!

Okay, well here's my card if you two remember, never mind.

(ROCK MUSIC)

Yeah, I did it. Arrest me now.

I'm Detective Dark, this is my partner McNutty.

Don't go there.

What's your name?

Duck.

Duck.

Hey, you were the guy who had that

reality show a few years ago, huh?

Goth World.

1.5 million viewers.

My daughters hated you.

Yeah, well that's their loss.

Okay, what's your real name?

Yeah, I don't give that out.

Maybe you'd like to take a ride up to North Hollywood.

Aren't we already in North Hollywood?

(LAUGHING)

Hey, what the fuck are you

section eight deadbeats laughing about?

Maybe you want me to take away your food stamp card, Ducky?

Listen, prick, if you don't start cooperating

I'm gonna fuck you up this side of NoHo.

Yeah, that doesn't even make sense.

He's got ya there.

It makes sense to me.

That's all you should be concerned about.

Oh.

Now what's your real name?

Felix, Felix Rain.

Oh, see that wasn't so hard, now was it, Felix?

Where were you last night, Felix?

I was here, just chillin' with my posse.

And you didn't hear that poor

bastard getting brutally murdered?

We were playing the new MMA game for Xbox.

It can get pretty loud.

I'm gonna make this clear to you

in case you don't already know.

I don't like you.

That's not a good thing to have on your résumé.

If you had a fucking clue what one was.

That's weird, cause he usually loves everyone.

(UNEASY MUSIC)

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Thanks, man.

What's with the rabbit?

Long story.

Come on in.

What a fucking nightmare.

So you think it was them?

I don't know.

I took a Valium to help me sleep

and the next morning I wake up,

they're carting off the dead magician.

Wow.

Well you'll be safe here.

I'm so stressed, man.

Look, Hanika's getting groceries.

She'll come back we'll have a nice dinner.

Relax.

I thought she went back.

A possible au pair job came up,

so she decided to stay a few extra days.

I know she's not the brightest bulb, alright,

but she takes care of business.

And you know, the next thing I know I own a rabbit.

That's bizarre, dude.

Tell me about it.

I mean, I can understand killing a mime.

Yeah, well...

I dated one once.

He'd be like...

I'd be like, yeah, I fucking hate you too!

You know?

And he'd be like...

I mean, have you ever blown a mime?

Not that I can recall.

Well, I'd be down there doing the business

and he'd just be sitting there with a shit eating grin.

Not one word.

I'd be like, a little moaning for the effort, dude.

Right?

Right, babe?

Well, thanks for taking me in.

Oh, it's our pleasure.

I mean, murder can be a real downer.

Yes, it can, Hanika.

(RATTLING)

(COMICAL MUSIC)

- (CLATTERING) - (CAT SCREAMING)

(POT SHATTERING)

(SIGHS)

- (CLATTERING) - Fuck, shit.

Fuck.

Shit.

(SCOFFS)

(SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

We're so glad we could help.

Thanks, you're really something.

Thank you.

You fucking told her.

What?

She came into my room last night looking for the money.

No way.

Unbelievable.

I had a few drinks.

She's from Prague.

She doesn't know anyone.

Ciaran.

Shit.

What the fuck?

(OMINOUS MUSIC)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

(RHYTHMIC KNOCKING)

How's it going?

That fucker, Trevor, told his chick.

I begged him to cancel that Czech!

The crazy bitch comes crawling into my room last night

like a Czech fucking commando looking for the money.

I told you not to trust him!

No, you didn't.

Well, I meant to.

I mean, he's a nice guy and all, but I don't know

what he's doing with this ditch Czech bitch.

She blew him one time at Circus Douche Soleil, and...

And I come home and find that my

balcony door has been jimmied open.

No shit.

You think it was them?

I hope not.

Wow.

Did you see anyone snooping around last night?

No, I didn't know you were gone.

I gotta hide this money good.

Oh, you took it with you?

Why do you think that?

I'm just assuming.

Was it you?

What? No!

Let me see your shoes.

- Why? - Come on, man, let me see it.

Let me see.

Okay, okay, I'm sorry.

Oh, you motherfucker!

I was just gonna take a few grand to produce this play.

You'd risk my life for a fucking play?

It has a great part in it for me!

Nancy's right.

You are a piece of shit.

No, the hell with her!

You wouldn't have any of this if it wasn't for me.

Bullshit, man.

You crossed the line.

- No, no, look! - Get out!

I'm trying to do something here.

We finally have a chance to be somebody!

- Get out! - Ciaran, please.

- Get the hell out. Get out! - Please, listen to me, please!

Get the hell out!

Get the hell outta here, you stupid Czech bitch!

I have no money.

What am I supposed to do!

Go blow your mime.

Oh, fuck it.

Fucking shit.

What's up, Owen?

What's up with him?

(OMINOUS MUSIC)

Fruit ass.

Can I help you?

Yeah, I saw your ad on Craigslist.

Said you were looking for a maintenance man?

What can you do?

Painting, patching, stucco,

plumbing, uh, light electrical.

We only pay minimum.

Okay. Like, yeah, perfect.

Tomorrow, 9 a.m., no drugs, no alcohol.

Nope, nada.

You won't be disappointed.

These Santa Anas, huh?

(MELANCHOLY MUSIC)

Okay, make believe I'm the bad guy

and I'm coming at you, okay?

And I'm gonna take a punch.

What you gotta do is you gotta snap

- your head back like this, okay? - Okay.

- And you sell it. - Right.

- Okay. - Okay.

Bam, sell it.

Got it? Alright.

(FIST THUMPING)

What the hell, Scabs?

Are you okay?

He forgot to sell it.

(PHONE BEEPING)

NANCY: Ciaran, call me right away, please.

(PHONE BEEPING)

Hey, it's Trevor, call me when you can.

(PHONE BEEPING)

OWEN: I'm sorry, pal. Come on, pick up.

- (PHONE BEEPING) - (KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Where the hell have you been?

I told you, fishing.

Why didn't you pick up?

There's no reception in the Kern River, you know that.

Oh my God, I'm just so glad that you're okay.

I saw on the news that there was another murder here.

Yeah, I'm fine.

You have got to get out of here.

North Hollywood is not a safe place anymore.

Nothing's ever happened in years.

Well, look, I talked to my father,

and he said he could get you in at his accounting firm.

Accounting?

Yeah.

You'll make great money.

Come on, Ciaran, it would give us some security.

You never believed in me.

Of course, I did.

It's not gonna work.

What?

What do you mean?

It's over.

You're dumping me?

I just can't give you what you want.

Three years and that's it?

Look, if I walk out that door right now,

I am never coming back.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

(DOOR SLAMMING)

(FIREWORKS POPPING)

♪ From the mountains to the prairies ♪

♪ From the oceans white with foam ♪

♪ God bless America, my home sweet home ♪

(GROUP APPLAUDING AND CHEERING)

Hey, bravo!

Yeah, you flag kissing faggots suck!

I'm gonna kick your goth punk ass before I throw you out!

Well good luck with that.

My Uncle Oscar will put all you freaks out in the street.

Why don't you go back in your cave

with your rap listening rodent friends?

Yeah, it's called music, you fucking dinosaur!

No, this is music.

(LAUGHING)

Okay.

Yeah, and don't think I didn't hear

you rattin' me out, Scabbies.

Hey, I don't give a shit.

You're dead, you fake stunt douchebag.

Ah, fake, huh?

Come on, let's see about fake, huh?

Oh, you haven't got the balls.

Oh, fuck you, buddy!

Easy Scabs.

Dream on, you never-has-been.

Yeah, has-been? What have you been doing lately?

Some of that stupid reality show, huh?

Oh, so stupid, in fact,

CBS is tailoring a sitcom around me, huh?

Huh, you wish.

Tune in this fall, bitch.

In the meantime, you can suck the Duck's puck.

(GROUP CHATTERING)

(CAT SCREAMING)

Yeah, you're all a bunch of smagmasucking losers!

Screw him, man.

He doesn't know nothing.

He doesn't know what he's talking about.

No question, screw him.

I mean, I doubled Stallone in Judge Dredd,

Arnold in Last Action Hero, and Willis in Hudson Hawk.

Classic flick, Scabs.

Listen, the fireworks are gonna start

any minute now, alright, Scabs?

Don't let him ruin your Fourth.

You would have killed him, Scabs.

You're damn right.

What's shakin', Lana?

I just got cast in the new Tchaikovsky ballet.

Oh, congrats!

What's he like to work with?

I don't know, I haven't met him yet.

Oh.

What's going on with that big action movie?

Shh!

We don't talk about it, we don't wanna jinx it.

Okay.

Well let me know if they need a dancer.

I thought you were busy?

Well, I don't know if this Russian guy's a flake.

What's going on with Owen?

Oh, he's acting a little weird lately.

He's strung out on something.

He's always strung out.

Happy birthday, America.

What's up, Owen?

Besides your dick.

Why won't you ever have sex with me?

Because I can't stomach you.

Oh, right.

But I will give you a shoulder to cry on.

You can't touch me.

Fucking Ciaran.

Yeah, where is Ciaran? Why is he not at the party?

Mr. Greedy McPrick.

What's going on?

I can't say, like some rats.

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

(FIREWORKS BOOMING)

(SIGHS)

God help me.

(FIREWORKS WHISTLING AND BOOMING)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

(OMINOUS MUSIC)

Hey, Ciaran.

I'm sorry to bother you so late, I ran out of sugar.

At two in the morning?

Yeah, that magician's murder really has me frightened.

I heard like it was a blood bath in there.

I thought maybe a soothing cup

of chamomile might help me sleep.

Okay, well, I gave up sugar a couple of years ago.

Let me see what I can find.

Merci.

(UNEASY MUSIC)

First that poor girl next door, and now this?

Really gives me the creeps that some

serial killer might be on the loose.

Yeah, it's really scary.

Ah, here we go.

How's your, uh, how's your painting going?

It's good.

Good.

I heard you and Nancy broke up.

We're still talking.

That's nice.

Good.

Whoops!

Sorry.

It's okay.

A little sugar never hurt anyone, right?

Uh, well you have your sugar.

Thank you so much.

You're a life saver.

What are neighbors for?

If you ever need to vent, or talk, just give me a knock.

I always think it's healthy for a man

to have a woman's point of view.

(LOW MUSIC)

Fucker.

God, no wonder she left him.

(THUMPING)

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

I mean, I've worked with all the best,

Hal Needham, Dar Robinson.

Wow.

Yeah, I taught Dar all his stunts.

I mean, I even came up with that

high fall gag in Sharky's Machine.

Get outta Burbank!

I mean, he got all the credit, but it was all me.

I mean, I woulda done it myself,

except I threw my back out doubling

Rutger Hauer in Blade Runner.

Runner!

So what are you still doing here?

Well, my ex got the Pacoima estate.

So I'm just hanging out here

biding my time until my ship comes in.

And she's come in, boys.

How big, like just a little hint?

Well it's big, but I can't really talk about it.

Oh, no, no, no, come on, Scabs!

You're gonna learn from the master in the big time.

Alright, what I will say is that

you're looking at the stunt coordinator.

You're kidding!

No, Scabs never kids.

That's awesome!

And I'm taking you guys with me.

Really?

It's like Titanic, dos.

Could I be the propeller guy?

I don't think he made it.

(CRICKETS CHIRPING)

(IRISH MUSIC)

ANNOUNCER: Closed captioning for tonight's

Los Angles Philharmonic provided by Dolby.

(HORSE WHINNYING)

(THUMPING)

(YELLING)

(WIND CHIMES CHIMING)

(THUMPING)

- Come on, motherfucker. - Hey, hey, hey, hey.

(YELLING AND THUMPING)

- (SYMPHONIC MUSIC) - (YELLING AND THUMPING CONTINUE)

Get his ass. Where are you going, huh?

- Stuntman, huh? - Where are you goin', huh?

Wanna go somewhere, huh? Come here.

Hey, I'll teach you how to fly.

Yeah. (GRUNTING)

(FLESH SQUISHING)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Ciaran, open up.

Leave me alone.

It's important!

Suck my big Irish balls!

Scabs is dead.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

Scabs, huh?

Oh, man, what happened?

I don't know.

I was watering my plants and I found him.

- I can't believe it. - Oh shit.

Yeah, he's dead, man.

Yeah, it stinks.

Let me guess, boating accident.

This is the place where I found him

when I was watering my buds.

Who are you?

Adele, the manager. His unit was ransacked.

What's his name?

Randall Dumbrowski, but everybody called him Scabs.

I don't get it.

He worked non-union.

Nobody leave.

That means you, pal.

Hey, go fuck yourself.

Who's he?

Bayzo, you don't wanna go there.

And why's that?

He hasn't been the same since the Ringling clown tragedy.

(FAINT SPEAKING) at the end of Die Hard.

No, no, the cliff jump in Butch Cassidy.

No, no.

Oh, my God!

No way.

No, no, it can't be!

Scabs does that high-dive in his sleep.

He was murdered.

Oh.

I love you so much!

Oh, I love you!

(GASPING)

(SCREAMING)

The bastard did it!

Murderer!

Murderer!

Your lips around my cock completes me!

I really hate that guy.

This isn't good, this isn't good.

At least we won't get woken up

by him pounding on that stupid heavy bag.

Have a little respect, would ya?

What? I was just looking at the bright side.

Right, go down there and find out what's going on.

Okay.

Don't say anything stupid.

Alright, Jesus.

(DOOR SLAMMING)

(ROCK MUSIC)

And my hands around your throat completes me.

Touch me, I'll sue your ass.

Where were you, playing Xbox again?

That deaf bitch doesn't know

what the hell she's talking about.

I wasn't even here.

I was with my girl, Ganya, chillin' at her place all night.

Ganya-rhea.

Where'd you dredge her up?

The line at four o'clock in the morning

for the Twilight Saga?

Right, the same time you were in line at Walmart

waiting on your new leisure suit sale, huh?

(LAUGHING)

- (FIST THUMPING) - (DUCK GRUNTING)

Anything else to say?

I didn't think so, huh?

I'm gonna sue your ass!

Look, I got witnesses here, alright!

Anybody see anything?

No.

No.

You got Marilyn Manson over here,

and we got a dozen witnesses who ain't seen nada.

Good luck with Larry H. Parker.

- Are you okay, baby? - Sit down!

Fuck you guys.

I'm sorry, I had enough of that asshole.

You're lucky he's an idiot.

What the hell's going on?

Is this a serial killer?

Why aren't you arresting him!

Everybody just calm down, relax.

You relax.

I haven't had two vacancies since

Vanilla Ice and Lindsay Lohan were thrown out!

Maybe this is just random.

It could be a coincidence.

Random, really?

The magician, Scabs, and the girl next door?

Duck had it out for him.

We're avenging!

Yeah, nobody kills the master and gets away with it.

Who are you?

I'm Arlo, and this is my brother, Duane.

We're stuntmen.

Scabs was teaching us.

And he was the greatest stuntman.

Either of you two see anything?

No.

They don't even live here.

Take a hike, Simon and Garfunkel.

Take that skanky bed mattress with you!

Okay, once again, did anyone see anything?

No.

Who's gonna protect us?

We're gonna have a squad car monitor the complex.

Just keep your doors locked and report

any suspicious activity, okay?

(MELANCHOLY MUSIC)

Hey, at least we won't have to sleep on the floor anymore.

True that.

(UNEASY MUSIC)

Hey, is Ciaran alright?

Because I haven't seen him come out in a couple days.

He's just laying low, painting.

Listen, about the other night.

Oh, you don't have to thank me.

I wasn't.

Oh.

I was buzzed, I was scared, that's all it was,

so just don't get the wrong idea, okay?

I didn't say anything stupid, did I?

Mm, everything that comes out of your mouth is kind of stupid.

Oh, right.

I just meant, nevermind, forget it.

I already did.

Hey, well, look, I'm in tonight if you're free, maybe?

Fuck off.

I'll take that as a maybe.

(UNEASY MUSIC)

Motherfucker, where'd you hide it?

(MUMBLING)

Come on, come on, come on.

Where is it, where is it?

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Ciaran.

Ciaran, it's me, Owen.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Oh, shit.

Open up!

What the fuck.

What's he talkin' about?

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

You motherfucker!

What are you doing?

I bagged you!

When?

I just saw you leaving my apartment!

I was just knocking on your door,

I swear to God, but you didn't answer!

You're full of shit, man!

I'm not, I'm not.

What the hell?

I can't leave for two fucking minutes.

What happened?

Don't play that stupid game with me.

You know damn well!

Know what?

You were just in my apartment!

I wasn't, I swear.

How'd ya get in?

I was just knocking at your door.

- Give me the key. - What key?

The master!

I don't have one, only Adele and the maintenance guy do.

Humberto would never come into my apartment if I wasn't there.

Where have you been?

He quit three days ago, they have some new guy.

New guy?

Yeah, Humberto wasn't too keen on sweeping up

brain matter for eight bucks an hour.

But you'd know that if you ever came out.

What's he look like?

Like they all do.

Shit.

What, you think he's one of them?

Could be.

Please tell me he didn't find the money.

- No. - Thank God.

Let me check him out.

How?

I'll bring him over to fix something.

See if he knows what he's doing.

No, it's not a good idea.

Well, how else we gonna know?

What's it gonna prove if he can't fix something?

I'll feel him out.

I'm an actor, I know how to do this shit.

(SQUEAKING)

(VIBRATING)

(GURGLING)

Oh!

- (TIRES SQUEALING) - (METAL CRUNCHING)

(YELLING AND GROANING FAINTLY)

(CRACKING)

Hola, my friend.

This thing broke and I tried to fix it, as you can see.

But I'm no plumber.

Yeah, I'll take a look.

Thanks.

(OMINOUS MUSIC)

So, what's your name?

Eduardo.

Oh.

You're new here, right?

Si.

Been a lot of crazy stuff

happening around here lately, huh?

You got to school for that?

My father, he was a plumber.

Me too, my old man was a drunk.

Yeah, it's broken.

What do they call that thing?

It's an elbow drain.

That's what it is.

I'm gonna have to order you a new one.

It's gonna take a few days, though.

Days?

Yeah, gotta get Oscar to approve.

You know the owners.

Right.

Well, thanks Emilio.

Eduardo.

Right, well, mucho gracias, amigo.

Shit.

(CRICKETS CHIRPING)

Wow, Mercury Marauder.

Now that's a bad ass car.

Bad ass.

(UNEASY MUSIC)

(CAT MEOWING)

Eduardo knew his business.

I'm sorry for choking you.

Nah, what are friends for?

Care for a brew?

No, I gotta stay sharp tonight.

You know, you really shoulda brought that money.

It's safe.

What if they come through the balcony?

They'd never find it.

Your place ain't that big.

Who said it's even there?

- Where'd you... - Don't.

Don't even ask.

Did you spend any?

Not a dime.

Well you should at least buy something nice.

You know, splurge a little.

That raises a red flag, you know?

Them or the cops see me buying shit, I'm dead.

Nah, they got a hard on for that jerk off, Duck.

Better him than me.

(LAUGHING)

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

- What? - (LAUGHING)

Oh, that'd be too sick.

I like sick.

What?

Oh, my God, I told you, the dude was heavy.

(SPEAKING FAINTLY)

Welcome to the CBS family.

Awesome!

Hear that boys?

Dawn of a new Duck Dynasty!

I told you to be careful.

It's heavy.

Fuck you guys.

This is our lovely pool.

The laundry room is right out back.

It has all the amenities.

New tiles, new carpets, Paul Muni once lived here.

And we're within walking distance of the subway.

Oh my God!

VIDEO GAME: Fight!

DUCK: Let's go, Chubs.

Yo, you're being a bitch, somebody drink.

Stop hitting me!

Fuck you!

Come on!

Rear naked show. Rear naked show.

Come on!

Choke you out, Chubs, chokin' you out, bitch!

Oh, you like that?

You like that?

Tap out, baby, tap out!

Tap out of it, losers!

(CRICKETS CHIRPING)

Hey, the Manson followers are leavin'.

Alright, I'm gonna do another walk through.

Alright.

♪ Happy days are here again ♪

♪ The sky above is clear again ♪

♪ Let's sing a song of cheer again ♪

♪ Happy days are here again ♪

♪ Happy days are here again ♪

(PHONE BEEPING)

(PHONE RINGING)

DISPATCHER: All units, officer down at Vineland and Victory.

Repeat, officer down at Vineland and Victory.

♪ Happy days are here again ♪

McNUTTY: Just got a call, Jake, let's go!

♪ Happy days are here again ♪

♪ The sky above is clear again ♪

(TIRES SQUEALING)

♪ Let's sing a song of cheer again ♪

♪ Happy days are here again ♪

(OMINOUS MUSIC)

♪ Happy days are here again ♪

♪ The sky above is clear again ♪

DUCK: Hey, hey, what are you doing? You can't come in here!

Hey, hey, what... (GRUNTING)

♪ Happy days are here again ♪

- (THUMPING) - (GLASS SHATTERING)

(CRYING)

Alright folks, show's over.

You said you would protect us.

We're doing the best we can, ma'am.

Your best?

This is insane!

I'm outta here!

I told you it wasn't him.

Yeah, we got taken.

Thinkin' the painter?

Who else?

He'll slip up.

They always do.

Here's the mop, the water.

Clean up the blood, put in a fresh carpet.

You must be the new guy.

I'm Ciaran.

(UNEASY MUSIC)

Speak English?

Eduardo.

It's nice to meet you, Eduardo.

Don't you hate it when people don't remove their lint, huh?

Yes, it's always bad when people don't do the right thing.

You ain't got a lot of laundry.

Yeah, I save it up for the week days.

You know, when it's not so busy.

You're very smart.

I don't know about that.

(COINS CLINKING)

Thank you.

You're welcome.

(COIN CLINKING)

Have a nice one, yeah? I'll see you later.

Watch out, man!

(MUMBLING)

Where'd you get this?

- That's mine! - Where'd you get this?

- Where'd you get this? - Fuck you!

I swear to God, I will blow your head off!

Where'd you get this bag?

Where'd you get this? Where'd you get this?

Fuck you!

- Where'd you get this bag? - That's mine!

Where'd you get this shit, hmm?

Where'd you get this shit?

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Afternoon, Detectives.

You mind?

Kinda busy right now.

This'll just take a minute.

So how's the rabbit?

Good. Yeah, he's out on the balcony.

He's got plenty of water, cabbage.

Good.

You going somewhere?

Weekend getaway with the honey.

I thought you two broke up.

We made up, that's why the trip.

Where you going?

Nancy's surprising me. You never know with her.

It could be Big Bear, the desert.

Oh, that's sweet.

Marcie never did that for me, the bitch.

You didn't like this Duck guy very much, did you?

No, no, everyone hated him.

Hmm, can't imagine why.

Who's taking care of the rabbit?

Neighbor.

Trained?

Alright, already!

Oh come on, I was just sayin',

that rabbit is one of God's creations.

So you have no idea why this is happening?

Not a clue.

When do you leave?

- Tomorrow morning. - Okay.

Well, we'll be staked up here tonight.

In case it makes you feel any better.

Yeah, it certainly does.

Keep your doors locked.

You can count on it, thanks.

I have your number.

And we have yours.

Shit.

(OMINOUS MUSIC)

(PHONE BEEPING)

(PHONE RINGING)

Got you now, motherfucker!

(GUNSHOTS)

(AIR HISSING)

What's that sound?

What the fuck?

(AIR WHISTLING)

(SIREN WAILING)

- Come on, man. - Oh, shit!

Shit, come on, come on, let's go!

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

L.A.P.D., get on the ground now!

- Oh shit! - (GUNSHOTS)

♪ We got a view when the sun goes down ♪

(GUNSHOTS)

(SIREN WAILING)

(POLICE RADIO CHATTERING)

Ow, my ass!

Motherfucker shot me in my ass!

Yeah, just because I'm black.

Get the fuck off me, bitch!

Easy boys.

Have a nice night.

Looks like this is what they were after.

That's a lot of cabbage.

Oh, fucking great.

Take him home with you.

Sure, I like rabbits.

Take him home with you.

Yeah, it looks like he cleared out.

Where you going with that?

Evidence.

I still think it was that sick Gacy clown fuck.

Forget it, Jake, it's NoHo.

- (VIDEO GAME MUSIC) - (THUMPING)

(DUCK SCREAMING)

(FLESH SQUISHING)

(GRUNTING)

(DUCK SCREAMING)

(GLASS SHATTERING)

You don't fuck with the deaf.

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

This is our lovely pool.

I'm a part time makeup artist and Chet's a musician.

Hi.

Oh, huh.

What kind of music do you play?

Uh, heavy metal?

Oh, he's the lead drummer.

Percussions, babe, percussions.

Oh right, sorry.

Oh, you're gonna love this place.

Buddy Rich used to live here.

Who's he?

Perhaps they saw the show tonight.

No, perhaps they saw the show tonight.

Perhaps they saw the show tonight.

A plane?

Could you do me a favor?

Could you do me a favor?

(RHYTHMIC DRUM MUSIC)

CIARAN: Hope all is well, Trev.

Having a grand time with me clan.

Be back soon.

You and Owen take care of my paintings.

Someday they're gonna be worth millions.

F.U., B of A.

Cheers, Ciaran.

That fuckin' Mick.

Subtitles by explosiveskull

(UPBEAT MUSIC)