Original subtitles

♪ Don't tell ♪

♪ Don't tell her ♪

♪ Don't tell her... ♪

♪ What she don't know... ♪

Oh, yeah. Huh!

I see you! Ah!

Oh, yeah? You just better...

Come and get your punishment right now!

Uh-oh.

Give me a break.

- So, you guys excited? - Dream come true.

Yeah, Europe. Again.

It's just my parents trying to get rid of me for two months.

What else is new?

So, Swell, when's your mom leaving for Australia?

Oh, in about an hour and a half.

I can't wait. I'm getting rid of her for two whole months, you guys.

Wait, I don't understand.

So, your mom can afford to go to Australia,

but she can't afford to send you to Europe with some friends for graduation?

Yeah, aren't you pissed you can't go?

Her boyfriend's paying for it.

He wants her to see his sheep ranch.

Ooh, wow. Well, uh, mm.

Besides, she needs the growing experience a lot more than I do.

She's leaving you guys all alone?

What about the kids, hmm?

Kenny will watch Zach, Melissa will watch Walter,

and I'll have Mom's car.

I can go to the beach, I can stay out as late as I want to.

I can do anything. I'm a free woman.

Melissa! Lunch, honey.

- Come on! - Yeah, right.

Melissa! Right now!

Elvis needs fresh water.

Melissa: I'll do it in a minute!

Zach, put it back.

Right now.

If you need money, ask me first.

Okay, then, can I have $10?

Forget it.

Melissa: Fry, you suckers.

Earth to Melissa!

How come you gotta go?

Because I've had a very rough 37 years and I need a break.

You swore you'd sign me up for baseball.

Little League will be there next year.

So will Australia.

- I wish Dad were around. - No, you don't.

Kenny, you said... Kenny! Come on, give me a break!

You haven't taken out the trash in weeks

and the lawn needs mowing and your room looks like a disaster!

All: Hey!

- See you, Swell! - Bye, Swell.

Girl: Bye.

Stay away from her. She's in one of her Terminator moods.

Hey, Nicole.

We'll miss you.

- Nicole, call me later? - I will.

- Have a good summer. - Bye!

- Bye! - I want your freedom.

Swell, have my baby.

In your dreams, babe.

All: Oh!

Hi, Mom.

Why did you leave your dishes in the sink for me?

God, you take these things so personally.

The dishwasher was full, okay?

- So empty it. - That's Kenny's job.

Kenny!

Get back here!

Right now!

I'll do it later, Mom! I promise.

Isn't your mom, like, leaving for, like, months?

Oh, shit, you're right.

Bye, Mom! Have a blast!

Right.

Rock 'n' roll!

No prizes!

- Hey, Swell. - Hi.

Well, as usual, your brother's proven

he's not the least bit involved with this family.

Oh, relax, Mom. I'll keep him in line.

Well, did you see his report card? He got all Ds.

Well, did you yell at him?

No. I couldn't. It's an improvement.

So, Mom, taking off on us like that, huh?

Shirking all that parental responsibility.

Oh, I'm... I'm sure everything will be taken care of.

Yeah.

Relax, Mom.

Everything's gonna be great when you're gone.

Hi.

Hello, dear.

I'm Mrs. Sturak. I'm the babysitter.

What?

Mother!

She seems very nice, right?

And she has lots of experience.

Of course she does.

She's 200 years old.

Melissa: It's not fair.

Babysitters suck.

- Mrs. Sturak? - Yes.

You know there are five children?

Yes, of course.

Do you think you can handle the job?

Well, of course I can.

My family's all gone.

Taking care of others' little ones is my whole life.

Now, I... I didn't get a chance to go to the store,

but there's plenty of money in here for groceries

and some spending money for the kids.

There's also a list of instructions

and the phone number in Australia, just in case.

You go have a lovely time.

Thank you.

Walter, come give Mommy a kiss.

Mwah.

Bye, Elvis.

Melissa!

Want to come down from there?

No.

Get down from there.

I can't believe you're doing this to me.

A babysitter?

Honey, I couldn't leave you kids all alone.

You're not capable of running the show while I'm gone.

You're not an adult yet.

Now, I know we've been over this at least a thousand times,

but please don't do anything you know I'd be against.

I don't wanna come home and hear you've given this nice, old lady a hard time.

You're gonna miss your flight.

Promise me you'll go register at City College for fall, okay?

Well, I haven't quite decided on that yet.

I'll miss you.

Bye, Mom.

Bye.

Bye, everybody!

Listen to Mrs. Sturak.

- Mom! - Hmm?

Will you call us every day?

Ha, Walter, this is Mom's vacation,

but I'll try.

Mrs. Sturak, mwah, knows where to reach me.

Bye, sweetheart. Mwah. Be good.

- Bye, Mom. - Love you. Bye, honey.

Be good, everybody! Bye!

- Bye! - Take care of each other!

All right, you little maggots, now line up.

Time to go over the rules.

Excuse me? Are you serious?

You can't run a tight ship without rules.

Now move!

- Jeez, what's this lady's problem? - She's scary.

Yeah, skeleton and skin.

Look, lady, I don't know what your deal is,

but you're not here to order us around.

I've had about enough of your lip, missy.

Cooperate...

or I'll make your summer a living hell!

Man on TV: Dr. Louise Lestine.

Alaska.

Alaska...

Alaskan container!

Alaska spill.

Hey! I was watching that!

TV rots your brains.

Go to your room.

I expect a complete report tomorrow morning

on the life of the aardvark.

♪ You must remember this ♪

♪ A kiss is still a kiss ♪

♪ A sigh is just a sigh... ♪

Cynthia?

You're my moon goddess.

♪ The fundamental things... ♪

Time for little boys to be in bed.

Can't you see I'm in the middle of a date?

And time for little trollops to go home.

Zach: Wait. Wait, you can't!

Cynthia, wait!

I'll call you later, Cynthia.

Darling?

Ow!

It's time for little girls to dress like little girls.

Sugar and spice.

Swell: Yeah, God is definitely pissed off at me.

I have no money, I have no boyfriend,

you guys are gonna be in Europe all summer.

Yeah, my mom left us with this deranged Mary Poppins.

We've gotta get rid of the old lady.

Nicole, hang on.

Why are you guys wearing name tags?

She says she has trouble remembering things.

We're supposed to wear them at all times.

And she's getting us up at the butt crack of dawn to tidy up the garage!

God.

Nicole, I'm gonna have to call you back.

All right, bye.

I really don't think I can live like this.

Okay, I'll talk to her.

It's time we let her know the rules.

Yeah, we outnumber her.

Let's kick some ass.

Mrs. Sturak.

Mrs. Sturak.

The hag probably can't even hear me.

Swell: Look, Mrs. Sturak,

whether you think that you can push us around or not,

we have decided that we're not gonna take any more of your crap, okay?

Now, first of all, the name tags have gotta go.

Mrs. Sturak, are you even listening to me?

Mrs. Sturak?

Mrs. Sturak?

Mrs. Sturak? Hello?

Oh, my God.

Oh.

Fuck.

Kenny?

Hey, get out.

Kenny, I think you should come downstairs.

You're not gonna believe this.

We told you to talk to her.

We didn't want you to send her to the glue factory.

I didn't kill her, Zach.

She died in her sleep.

Probably choked on her whistle.

- She doesn't look dead. - That's 'cause it just happened.

So you can't really tell, like on "MacGyver."

Um, what should we do with her body?

Call an ambulance, call the cops? I don't know.

I mean, they're gonna come and get her.

They're gonna ask us a lot of questions.

They'll probably blame us.

They'll definitely call Mom.

She'll blame us.

Yeah, she'll hop the next flight home

and then she'll be in our faces.

I don't want Mom to come home.

I don't either.

- Kenny: Easy now. - Melissa: She's starting to stink.

Zach: No, it's too soon.

- Then it must be you. - Shut up.

- Kenny: Be careful. - Swell: I got her!

No, I mean my skateboard.

Walter: It's right on my foot.

Sure she's gonna fit?

How the hell should I know? I've never done this before.

Well, neither have I.

I think we should measure her first.

Let's hack off her head.

Yeah!

Uh, all right.

Go get that metal tape measure thing out of the garage.

Would you stop ordering us around? You're not the babysitter.

That's right, Kenny.

The babysitter is dead.

Now just do it!

Swell: I mean, we're saving the ambulance people a trip, right?

I mean, when they find her, they'll... they'll take care of everything.

And no one has to know she was our sitter.

Right. I mean, she said she didn't have any family,

so this is... this is really the decent thing to do.

Bobby.

What? Oh.

Now, who would do such a thing?

- I don't know, man. - I don't mind death.

It's the lifting that gets me.

Watch it.

God, I feel terrible.

I should've been nicer to her.

I should've cooperated.

Yeah, she was a great babysitter.

Walter: Hey, where are you going?

We're out of food. I'm going marketing.

Yeah, massive party supplies.

Shotgun!

You're taking Mrs. Sturak's car?

Zach, life goes on.

I mean, come on! This car's a classic.

I think that she'd want it this way. Don't you?

How much did Mom leave us?

There's no money in here.

Yes, there is. I saw Mom give it to Mrs. Sturak.

Well, she must've taken it out.

Holy shit!

Excuse me, coming through!

- Kenny: Damn it! - Melissa: Look under the bed.

Kenny: Where? Where is the damn thing?

Melissa: Shoot.

- Walter: Ow! - Get out of my way.

Kenny: Come on, come on, come on!

Ugh!

Kenny: I looked in there already.

Walter: Check the box.

- She must've had it on her. - Well, it's ours.

Go back and get it from the old hag.

Oh, yeah, right. We go and say,

"Excuse me, we left our money on our dead babysitter."

No way!

Who's gonna clean this place up?

Kids: Not me.

- 50... - Kenny: What are we gonna do for cash

- ...75. - ...for the next two months?

- Swell: All right, um, what about a garage sale? - Dollar.

We live in the boonies.

How about calling Dad?

Dad doesn't care.

What about blackmailing Dad?

What about donating blood? They pay you.

You have to be over 18.

Well, there goes our great summer.

Hello?

Mom!

Hi, Mom.

How's Australia?

Really? Oh, great.

Yeah, they're fine. Everything's fine.

Oh, uh, Mrs. Sturak?

Well, she's not here right now.

No, she had a date.

Some guy. A mortician.

Relax, Mom. I'm looking after things while she's gone.

And everything's gonna be fine, Mom.

I love you, too. Okay, got it.

All right. All right, bye. Bye, bye, bye.

You only got one bag of chips?

We could only afford the necessities, Kenny.

This place is a crock.

We're never gonna make it two months.

Man, I'm gonna hole up at Lizard's.

Oh, that's real brotherly.

- Don't you have any pride? - No.

When our food's gone, we can eat Elvis.

Swell: What do you guys want from me?

Would you like me to call Mom back?

- 'Cause I can. - No.

Do you wanna call Aunt Pat or go crawling to one of Mom's semi-wretched friends?

- No. - Both: No.

Look, we don't need a warden.

We don't need some adult around

telling us when to eat and sleep and vacuum, right?

Both: Right.

I mean, we could still have a great summer.

We just gotta stick together, okay?

- Okay. - Okay, yeah.

- Totally. - Okay.

Well, uh, one of us has to get a job.

Well, I'm not gonna.

Well, we don't have any choice.

We'll flip for it.

Mama Celeste face up, I go to work.

Mama Celeste face down, you're selling carnations on a freeway off-ramp.

Okay, I'll get a job.

But you gotta stay here and watch the kids, okay?

Hey, no problem, twisted sister.

Okay.

I can get a job at a clothing store or something.

I mean, they'll hire me in a second. It'll be great.

Kid: Mommy!

Hey, you gotta squeeze the fat out of those burgers better.

Yeah, you're getting the hang of it.

Hi.

I'm Bryan.

Swell, remember!

Put on a happy face.

Did he just finish reading "Dianetics" or something?

Oh, no. He's just on helium.

Bryan!

Another happy delivery!

Swell, you gotta put chili on those clown dogs,

and keep it moving.

This is great, man.

My sister's working.

There's no one around nagging me anymore.

I'm born free.

Hey, dude, let's get out of here.

- Let's go to Guitar Center. - Boy: Wait, guys.

We seem to be experiencing a little negative cash flow problem here.

Let's go to my place.

I'll rip off my mom's MasterCard again.

Master the possibilities.

So, guys, I gotta get out of here, man.

My old man is pissed about my report card.

I gotta kiss ass a couple more days.

You know what, guys?

We keep this up...

we're never getting out of school, man.

- Both: Far out! - Yeah!

Rock 'n' roll! Whoo!

- Whoa! - Come on, get it!

Oh!

Thanks.

Oh, sure.

Did you have a lot of deliveries?

Yeah.

I'm the stork of fast food.

Lucky.

Better than being here.

Yeah, I guess.

God, this place is so disgusting.

- How can you stand it? - I just try to hang with it.

Shit.

Gross.

Not your dream job, huh?

You got that right.

You think I woke up this morning and thought,

"Gee, I'd love to scrub fat vats.

I'd love to smile and work with raw meat."

At least it gives you some extra cash, though, right?

I'm not working at the big top from hell for pocket money.

My mom's out of town for a while and I have my brothers and sister to feed.

And no one's gonna hire a teenager to do anything that isn't disgusting.

Why can't I just get a job at some nice, clean office?

Why don't you just quit?

Swell!

How's the scrub-a-dub dubbing going?

Now, you're almost doing that correctly,

but you forgot one very big thing.

What, not enough cleanser?

Nope. You forgot to put on a happy face.

Next, you get to scrape the spitballs

off the drive-thru window

with a really fun squeegee.

Look, Mr. Egg,

finish the happy fat vats yourself.

Thanks for your advice.

Maybe I'll see you around.

- ♪ Makin' a living the old, hard way... ♪ - Gross.

♪ Takin' and givin' my day by day ♪

♪ I dig snow and the rain and the bright sunshine ♪

- ♪ Draggin' the line ♪ - ♪ Draggin' the line ♪

♪ My dog Sam eats purple flowers ♪

♪ We ain't got much, but what we got's ours ♪

♪ We dig snow and the rain and the bright sunshine ♪

- ♪ Draggin' the line... ♪ - You just copying it right out of the book?

No. I changed the name.

And I'm adding some glamorous fashion stuff.

Oh.

♪ I feel fine ♪

♪ Talking 'bout peace of mind ♪

♪ And I'm gonna take my time ♪

♪ Gettin' the good sign ♪

♪ Makin' a living the old, hard way ♪

♪ Takin' and givin' my day by day ♪

♪ Diggin' the snow and the rain and the bright sunshine ♪

- ♪ Draggin' the line ♪ - ♪ Draggin' the line ♪

♪ I feel fine... ♪

♪ And I'm gonna take my time ♪

- ♪ Gettin' the good sign... ♪ - All right.

Woman: Could you spell that a little faster?

Your number?

Um, excuse me?

I'm applying for the receptionist position.

Hold.

Reception.

I can't right now.

I have to stay and redirect

all the incompetents who are coming up here

instead of going straight down to personnel like they are supposed to.

All right, all right, all right, all right. I'll be right there.

You'll have about 12 seconds.

You are supposed to go down to per-so-nnel.

That is on the first floor.

There is a great big sign that says...

"per-so-nnel."

Do... you... understand?

Yeah.

Where's Carolyn?

Mouse-brown hair, gives you a headache.

Talks like she's chewing her face.

That's her.

She'll be back in a few seconds.

I'm here for the receptionist job.

Is this your resume?

Yeah.

Wow!

Very impressive.

This is fabulous!

Thank you.

Okay, listen.

They're looking for a receptionist to replace Carol,

and she's supposed to move up to be my executive administrative assistant.

I can't stand her. So do me a favor.

You be my assistant, and I'll just tell them I hired outside the company.

Well, what about the receptionist job?

What, are you burnt out?

You wanna take a step down?

Well, I won't let you. I need you!

And besides, you're so overqualified for entry-level, it's ridiculous!

For God's sake, you're a Vassar gal!

You'd much rather be my executive assistant.

Please say yes.

Yes.

Okay, we're up here with the other vice presidents,

our executive staff, and our advertising people.

Downstairs are the designers, our warehouse and showroom,

and our manufacturing and assembly lines.

You graduated six years ago, so you're 27, 28?

- Uh, yeah. - Well, you don't look it.

Thank God. My last assistant was only 23

and still wet behind the ears.

Okay, this is your office.

Mine's through the archway. These are your things.

Rolodex. There's your computer... WordStar and Lotus.

There's your mouse.

Refrigerator's over there.

Just leave a list for Carol and she'll stock it for you.

- Okay? - Okay.

- Are you all right? - Yeah.

Great!

So, these are my things. Okay.

Oh! When do I get paid?

1st and 15th of every month.

- Is that it? - Mm-hmm.

Great.

- Gus! Hi. - Hi.

This is my new administrative assistant, Sue Ellen.

Sue Ellen, this is Gus Brandon, vice president of marketing.

- And he serves me breakfast in bed. - Only when she deserves it.

- Nice to meet you. - Good morning.

See you for lunch?

I'll let you know.

I'm interfacing with New York at 3:00

and I have a report due at the end of the day.

Okay, we'll play it by ear.

Woman: Talk to you later.

Mm, bye.

Sue Ellen, right?

Mm-hmm.

Okay, have a great weekend.

See you Monday, 8:00 sharp.

By the way, I'm Rose Lindsey, senior vice president of operations.

- Hi. - And when Beatrice from personnel calls,

she's a really pushy broad.

Just tell her I hired you.

And find out about your medical benefits and pension plan.

Oh, one more thing,

and this is so important.

Whenever we're not alone or I'm on the phone and I ask you something...

doesn't matter what it is...

you always say,

"I'm right on top of that, Rose."

- Okay? - Okay.

Welcome aboard, sweetie.

- Thank you. - Oh.

Melissa: I'm gonna get you, sucker!

Yeah.

Swell: So, I walk in there and the receptionist is such a tool.

- I wanted to slug her. - I need more money.

Get out of here.

Anyway, I have my own office

and this little fridge stocked with, like, diet Sprite and Tab.

And I have a great view.

What's the job?

I am the executive administrative assistant

to the senior vice president of operations.

What the hell is that?

I don't know.

So, what are they gonna pay you?

$37,500 a year.

No way!

Shit, you're gonna drown!

Choke!

I'm a fast learner.

I'll catch on.

You're never gonna get to the beach.

Yeah, but who cares?

I'm a career woman now.

You better bring some bucks home tomorrow.

We're, like, totally out of food.

Wait a minute, I don't get paid for two weeks.

Help. We need money.

We have no food.

- Hey! - Melissa: Are those drag queens?

- Walter: What's a drag queen? - That's our car!

Let's go, let's go!

Hey! What are you queens doing in our car?!

Step on it!

Both: Liza?

Swell: Shit!

I love that car.

Call the cops.

Oh, yeah, what are we gonna say?

Liza Minelli stole our Buick?

It wasn't even our Buick.

This sucks.

Now how are we gonna get home?

I miss Mommy.

Call Nicole.

All of my friends are in Europe.

Well, what about Lizard or Hellhound?

We don't have any money.

You mean you'd have to bribe them?

Yeah.

Come on.

Who else do you know that drives?

Who's the bozo?

Hi. Um, thanks for coming.

No problem.

I kind of like being a hero.

Me and my trusty steed.

Just get in the car. Come on.

Come on.

Swell: Well, my mom doesn't want us to use her Volvo while she's away.

Can't believe my friends ditched us like that.

Bryan: Hey, but wasn't that your car

I saw at the Clown Dog the other night?

Cool chrome, white walls, and stuff?

Yeah, well, it was kind of a loaner.

Melissa: Swell, what are you doing out there?

- Come on! - Hold on!

I'll be there in a minute.

Look, I'm sorry if I acted like a bitch the other night at Clown Dog.

You know, just walking out like that and everything.

Yeah, you really cracked Mr. Egg when you left.

Really? Did you get stuck finishing the fat vats?

Lard is my life.

At least until college.

- Walter: Zach! - Melissa: I'm gonna smack you!

I'm glad you called, really.

Yeah, me, too.

Swell, could you hurry it up?

Melissa and Zach are beating each other up

over the last snowball.

It's the last food we got.

Are you guys really out of food?

Oh, no. They're just being obnoxious.

I'm gonna go to the market first thing in the morning.

You sure? 'Cause I've got some extra leftovers

from my dinner delivery stock.

You know, if you want 'em.

No, that's okay.

Well, maybe we'll take them.

- Thanks. - Yeah, sure.

So, you wanna go to the beach

and watch the grunion run Monday night?

You mean a date?

Yeah, well, I'm free.

I mean, I gotta check with the grunion, but...

Yeah, a date.

Yeah, sure.

- I like grunion. - Yeah, me, too.

Thanks again.

Bye.

We have unhealthful air quality today

throughout the Los Angeles Basin.

KDJI News time is 5:30 AM,

and if this is your wake-up call,

wake up!

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Fell out of bed, alarm clock roarin' ♪

♪ Screaming, "It's another day" ♪

♪ What's on TV? ♪

♪ What happened last night? ♪

♪ It doesn't matter anyway ♪

♪ Rolled so slowly ♪

♪ Put my foot down to the floor ♪

♪ Morning shadows on the wall... ♪

You guys are up already?

- It's summer. - I'm a morning person.

- I'm hungry. - So, what do you guys want for breakfast?

A steak.

- Cheese omelet. - SpaghettiOs.

Okay.

Breakfast is served.

♪ Keep the faith ♪

♪ And just hold on for one more day ♪

♪ You've gotta keep the faith... ♪

♪ Just hold on ♪

♪ It'll drive your way ♪

♪ Just keep the faith... ♪

Excuse me, where do you think you're going?

Uh, to Rose Lindsey's office.

I work for her now.

You?

Yeah, hi. I'm Sue Ellen.

Well, don't bother getting too settled in, hmm?

Okay.

Rose: Well, yes, we have temporarily cut back on quality fabrics

due to a receding profit margin.

Yes, I understand.

Any time you wanna come back to the GAW.

Well, thank you for telling me personally.

Bye-bye.

Would you all please excuse us for a minute?

- Yeah, sure, Rose. - Fabulous.

Oh, Lord!

We just lost another account.

Costs are up, overhead is high, sales are down.

New York's gonna be none too thrilled

with their industrial uniform division.

This is our new spring line.

Lovely, isn't it?

Yeah, lovely.

You know, I thought we made designer clothes.

Sue Ellen, no.

We're in the bowels of the fashion industry.

General Apparel West is one of 32 subdivisions of ChemTech America,

one of our nation's leading chemical corporations.

This is our design area.

And this is Franklin, our head designer.

- Oh, hi. - Hi.

You'll be verifying his purchase orders pending my approval

and consulting with him on budget estimates.

Bye, Franklin.

Bye.

You'll also be coordinating our sales,

manufacturing, and advertising people.

I'm gonna need biweekly reports from you.

Basically, you're the hub of our communication network.

The hub.

I hate you!

Sue Ellen!

Start getting updated reports from the department heads and coordinating them.

You can access the format on the C drive.

Until you lay it out on a spreadsheet

the market analysis is too amorphous, right?

This is the QED report. I've made some notes in it.

See if you can make a dent after lunch.

Oh, and fax this to New York for me.

Don't feel overwhelmed.

Just do one thing at a time.

Looking for something, Sue Ellen?

Yeah.

Where did that come from?

I had it delivered. Do you have a problem with that?

Uh, no. I was just wondering

why they would come all this way just to bring you a chili dog.

My little brother drives the delivery van.

Occasionally, he goes out of his way to bring me lunch.

All right?

That's nice.

Your little brother.

Um, I need to fax something. How would I do that?

Gosh, Sue Ellen,

being an executive administrative assistant,

I'm sure you can figure that out.

Hello?

Oh, hi! Are you a temp?

No. Um, I'm Sue Ellen.

I work for Rose.

Oh, hi!

- Hi. - I'm Cathy.

So, you're Rose's new executive administrative assistant.

Well, congratulations.

I submitted my resume, but it wasn't good enough.

Wow, working with Rose must be so neat!

Oh, I'm sorry. Am I cutting in front of you?

- Are you faxing? - No, no, no.

I'm... I'm still organizing my spreadsheet and my projection.

- Amorphous type of stuff, yeah. - Oh, right.

So, anyway, I'm Fred Kibber's secretary over in sales.

It has been really slow.

Gosh!

You're swamped!

Yeah.

Well, I'm a wiz on the computer,

so if you ever have anything for me, just ask.

Well, hey, if you want, um,

are you familiar with the QED report?

Oh, wow. Really?

Yeah, go ahead. Really.

Thank you.

Thanks.

Oh, and, uh, don't feel overwhelmed.

Just do one thing at a time.

Right.

- Hello? - Hi. How's it going?

- What do you mean? - You know, how are you? Are the kids okay?

No, I smeared them with honey and I tied them to a red ant hill.

- Did you get some money? - Hey. Who are you?

Where's that other broad, uh, Mona?

Um, not yet. There's a problem.

Why? What'd they do, fire you?

I'm Sue Ellen. I work for Rose. Can I help you?

Yeah, I need a copy of the Bob's Big Boy account figures.

Swell, what are you gonna do?

This Clown Dog shit's gone, man.

Look, what do you want me to do?

We have a receding profit margin.

Yo, Gidget. Could you get on it?

I can't right now. I'm on an important phone call.

Sue Ellen, if you didn't get the money,

then why the hell did you call?

Hey, look, I don't have all day.

Kenny, hold on.

What is your name and what do you do here?

I'm Bruce. I'm head inventory clerk.

Why?

Well, Bruce,

I'm the executive-level administrative assistant,

and when I get those figures ready,

I'll give you a buzz and you can run on up here and fetch them, all right?

Yeah, sure.

- Sorry. - It's okay.

Look, I just called to say hi.

Aren't you busy at your career?

I'm in between important meetings.

I'm so sorry I disturbed you, Kenny.

Well, you did! We're busy.

- Fine! Screw you! - Up yours!

Ugh!

Bitch.

Such a punk.

What?!

Oh.

How you doing, Mom?

Yeah. No, everything's great.

No, Mrs. Sturak's not here.

She, um... she went to the yarn store.

Yeah, she's crocheting this massive doily for the couch.

Um, I...

I gotta go, Mom.

Hey, babe. Who's the void in Lindsey's office?

She applied for the receptionist job.

Suddenly, she's an executive?

I don't get it.

- Man on TV: Ready, go. - Walter: Genie.

- Betty White: Where you park your car at night. - Woman: Garage.

Betty: First, run, then a...

Gallop.

- Betty: You buy... you go to the supermarket... - Groceries.

- Betty:...and you pack up a lot of... - Woman: Groceries!

Do you ever go outside?

Nah. No TV.

No prizes.

Man: All right, gentlemen. You've got it.

- ...who do not want... - When you're gonna do a cake,

you really have to have a battle plan all ready

so that when you start in,

- you can just go right through the cake. - Oh.

You don't wanna go out and play croquet in the middle, for instance.

Swell: Okay, I'll give her the message. Bye.

Oh, Cathy, thank you so much.

Oh, no, Sue Ellen. Thank you!

Really!

Sue Ellen, why don't you call Cy and Manny and order in lunch for us?

The naked shrimp is to die from.

- Right. Yum. - They'll deliver.

You can pay out of petty cash.

Petty cash?

Yeah. Cash box is in your locked bottom drawer.

There should be plenty.

By the way, you can cash personal checks for our employees.

We work such hellish hours around here,

no one has time to go to the bank.

Guard it with your life

and just leave receipts for whatever you take.

- I'll authorize it, okay? - Okay.

Is this for me?

This is exquisite.

We're so in sync.

♪ Gimme some money ♪

♪ I'm nobody's fool ♪

♪ I'm nobody's clown ♪

♪ I'm treatin' you cool ♪

♪ I'm putting you down ♪

♪ But, baby, I don't intend to leave empty-handed ♪

♪ Gimme some money ♪

♪ Oh, yes ♪

♪ Go, Nigel, go! ♪

♪ Gimme some money ♪

- ♪ Gimme some money... ♪ - Hi, Zach.

Hey.

What's wrong?

Me and Cynthia are having some problems.

I think she likes Jacob better.

Ah, maybe she's just trying to make you jealous.

Maybe.

Oh, here.

There's an article in here on game playing, okay?

I really think that you should read it.

- Oh, take the quiz afterwards, okay? - Okay.

Check it out, dudes. Elvis, I'm gonna get you high.

- Boy: Whoa, look at his eyes. - Boy #2: Oh, dude!

Kenny, could you turn the music down?

- Kenny! - What?

I have been working. I've had a very rough day.

Could you turn the music down?

It's down, cave lady.

Kenny, why don't you save your last three brain cells?

I mean, what if you need them?

I won't.

That's right.

You'll never need them

because there's always gonna be some jerk around

stupid enough to take care of you.

What is your problem?

Both: Yeah.

You couldn't even mow the lawn today.

You're worthless.

I am doing everything,

and I'm trying to get ready for a date.

When are you gonna start helping me, you lazy little punk?

PMS city, man.

Ah!

God, that's cold!

So, Bryan, when do the grunion run?

Right about now.

They get washed up here on the shore

after the highest tide of the full moon.

Or the new moon.

Anyway, the girl grunion, right,

she comes and lays her eggs in the sand,

and then the guy grunion, he comes and fertilizes them.

So, they don't, like, do it together?

Nope, not like us.

I mean like humans.

Oh.

So, you wanna go over there and watch for them?

'Cause it happens really fast.

Sure.

So, you going to college or what?

- I mean, what do you wanna do? - Oh, God.

I don't know.

I'm supposed to register at City College.

You know, maybe take some fashion design classes or something.

What about you?

My parents want me to go to UCSD.

They have a really good oceanography program there.

Well, that's cool.

Yeah, but I'm not so sure.

I mean, I figured I'd keep saving up for it anyway, you know?

It's the only reason I'm still at Clown Dog after nine months.

Mm.

You know, it's funny.

I always thought that my parents had

this big college fund for me somewhere, you know?

Yeah, me, too.

But I guess that's only on the savings and loan commercials, you know?

It's like I don't know if I want oceanography to be my life, you know?

I mean, I love it. I love it.

But it's like once you decide on something,

it's all planned out.

Yeah, it's like all of a sudden, anything that you do

means that that's your life.

I'm not even sure what the hell I want my life to be yet.

And then you're stuck in this plan because you decided, you know?

And then you're old or older.

I don't know.

I guess I'm just stalling, you know?

What?

Nothing.

I just know what you mean.

Yeah, this is always, uh...

Yeah, I hate this part.

I mean, I like this part,

but... oh, God.

No, it's okay. Come here.

No, forget it. I ruined the moment.

- No, no. No, I ruined it. - Forget it.

'Cause I talked about it, you know?

When you talk, you ruin it.

And you can't talk, and that's just not...

♪ And I only have eyes ♪

♪ For you... ♪

Kenny.

Kenny, wake up.

Kenny, the food that I bought yesterday is already gone.

I was entertaining some friends last night,

and we had the munchies.

Look, I am not working to feed your scummy friends, okay?

You're a career woman now.

We can afford to be hospitable.

Whatever. Here.

Go buy some more food for the kids.

All right! You got paid!

Well, not exactly.

It's office money. It's called petty cash.

But my paycheck's gonna be for, like, over $1,000.

I'll be able to put it back.

I gotta go.

And I don't want your friends hanging around my house.

- Right. - Mow the lawn today

and don't forget to do the dishes, okay?

Bye.

I'll do the dishes.

Go, Scruff!

One more, one more, one more, one more, one more.

- Plate, plate, plate, plate. - Hey!

- Pull! - Wah!

- Boy: Whoo-hoo! - Dishes are done, man.

Cleans them down till they shine.

Oh, sh...

- Hi, Franklin. - Oh, hi.

- Oh, Sue Ellen? - Yes.

I need to get this PO approved.

- Okay. - I got a real good deal on some materials.

- Yeah? Good. - Yeah.

Sue Ellen.

Hi.

I was just gonna see if Rose wanted

to grab some lunch in the cafeteria.

Well, you just missed her.

Sorry.

Hungry?

♪ You see a pair of laughing eyes ♪

♪ And suddenly, you're sighing sighs... ♪

- Good afternoon, miss. - Thank you.

♪ You string along, boy ♪

♪ Then snap ♪

♪ Those eyes, those sighs... ♪

Thank you.

So, how long have you and Rose been together?

Well, we're not really together. A few months.

We agreed we're not exclusive.

- Oh. - Yeah.

I date other women.

You know, dinner, movies, jazz clubs, the symphony.

You like classical music?

I played some cello in my high school orchestra.

Oh!

Oh.

Do people always tell you how young you look?

No, not usually.

I'd ask how old you are, but most women don't really like that.

No, we don't.

It baffles me.

I mean, a woman gets older.

She matures.

She ripens.

Juices start flowing.

What's to hide?

Waiter: Would you like something from the bar?

Have a drink.

It's a special occasion.

All right.

I'd like a Martini & Rossi on the rocks.

Ah, yes.

Sweet or dry?

What?

Sweet or dry?

Um, oh, just a little bit of both.

And for you, sir?

A white wine spritzer.

What's the special occasion?

It's our first lunch together.

Oh.

This will give us a chance to break down some of those corporate barriers.

- Right. - And by the end of lunch,

we'll probably be sharing our intimate histories,

stories about our first time.

Next thing you know, we'll be sharing a cigarette in post-coital bliss.

Are you talking about us having sex?

Hey, hold on. Slow down. You're moving too fast for me.

But if that's an area of interest to you, it can be arranged.

And if it doesn't, I was kidding.

The rosemary chicken is delicious here.

Very tender.

Well, thank you for lunch.

Any time.

Now she's kissing up to Gus?

I can't stand that conniving little snot!

Rose: Here's another one.

In Minneapolis, an 11th-grader beat up a schoolmate

over a rhinestone leather jacket and pair of Fiorucci jeans.

I just don't think that kids are gonna wanna wear uniforms.

I mean, don't you think that they're kind of plain, kind of boring?

Frankly, it's not up to the students to decide.

Next week, I'll sit the superintendent of schools down

over eggs Florentine,

and I'll convince him that mandatory school uniforms

are necessary for the safety of our school children.

Not to mention boosting GAW sales.

It'll be absolutely perfect.

I don't know. I mean, kids like to wear stuff that's them.

And my high school was like a fashion show.

Well, sure. Back then, it was safe.

But times, they are a-changing.

Yeah, I guess you're right. It was a long time ago.

Let's stop.

I'm exhausted, and I'm late to meet Gus.

What's the deal with you and him?

Well, we've been mutually unexclusive

for the last seven months.

I mean, I brought up the cohabitation topic recently,

and we gave it some serious thought.

We decided it would be more practical and convenient

if we maintained separate space.

Which basically means he isn't ready to commit.

But you know how they are.

They're all little boys pretending to be men, right?

Yeah, all the guys that I've dated have been boys.

Precisely. The Peter Pan syndrome.

God, I really need to get away.

Gus has been trying to talk me into

this wild, dirty weekend in Santa Barbara.

And I really wanna go,

but I don't want him to know that,

so I haven't been too enthusiastic about it.

Oh, yeah. I know how that goes.

But tonight, I think I'll start letting him try and persuade me.

Well, that'll do it.

Why don't you go on home and have a glass of wine

and put some cucumber slices on your eyes?

You'll feel much better.

Well, I'm all out of cucumbers.

Oh, Sue Ellen,

every girl over 25 should have a cucumber in the house.

♪ Hey, yo ♪

♪ Oh... ♪

Remember these things? They're great.

Come on. Bounce with me.

No, come on. I feel stupid.

We are too old to bounce.

Oh, come on. Bouncing is an ageless pastime, Swell.

Bryan, come on.

Would you feel more comfortable if I started bouncing first?

No.

♪ The weightless feeling here is bliss ♪

♪ As I fly over you... ♪

Come on!

♪ I contemplate the lies and secrets ♪

♪ This is the best thing that has ever happened to me ♪

♪ These are the colors that I've always wanted to see ♪

♪ This is the best thing that has ever happened to me ♪

♪ These are the colors that I've always wanted to see ♪

♪ And although I've never said it before ♪

♪ I love you, I need you, I need you, I love you... ♪

Why'd you stop?

Good moment.

Hey, hey, hey.

You're gonna have to get off those things.

♪ This is the best thing... ♪

Bryan: You know, Wild Chuck's playing at Club Lago next week.

- You wanna go? - Swell: Mm, nah. You have to be over 21.

Bryan: Oh, yeah. A drag. Hey, I'm off tomorrow.

I'm gonna go to the beach with some buddies. You wanna come?

Oh, I can't. I've got work.

Oh, yeah. The grind.

Hey, you wanna go to a Dodger game tomorrow night?

Yeah, that sounds good.

Yeah, my sister and her boyfriend got some extra tickets.

Box seats.

Uh, no, wait.

I can't.

I just remembered I hate baseball.

You hate baseball?

Okay. Well, then we'll just do something else.

- Just the two of us. - Okay, good.

So, I'll pick you up at work around, what, 6:00?

Uh, no. Don't do that.

I'll just call you when I get home.

Swell, what's going on?

Nothing. Going out tomorrow night's great.

Yeah, well, then why won't you tell me where you work?

What, are you doing something illegal?

Are you working for the mob?

No.

I, um, just don't want you to know, okay?

Well, what if I wanted to send you flowers or something?

Well, you could send them to the house.

Well, who'd sign for them?

- One of the kids. - And what if they're not here?

- I mean, why are you making this so complicated? - Then don't send me flowers.

I just wanna know what it is you do all day, that's all.

Oh, come on. Drop it.

Stop acting like Henry VIII.

Look, just forget it, okay?

I'm sorry I cared, really.

Well, that's a shitty thing to say.

You're just pissed off because I don't wanna meet your sister.

Swell, who cares about my sister?

I mean, all I said was that she's been in a major slump lately

'cause of that backstabber at her office.

How do you know this woman is a backstabber?

Maybe she's nice, Bryan.

Why do you have to be so judgmental about her?

Look, Swell, what's up with you, huh?

I mean, are... are you seeing someone else or what?

'Cause, I mean, that's what it sounds like.

You know, I mean, if you're seeing some other guy or something,

you don't have to do all this.

You could just tell me. Just be honest.

No, there is nobody else, okay?

I just wish that you could respect my privacy, that's all.

Yeah, well, I'd respect your privacy if you weren't so secretive.

Well, I'd tell you more if you didn't wanna know so much.

Okay.

Fine.

I'm out of here.

♪ In a perfect world ♪

♪ It would never end like this ♪

♪ There'd be something we could do ♪

♪ In a perfect world ♪

♪ Lovers wake up with a kiss ♪

♪ And their wishes all come true ♪

♪ But here we are ♪

♪ I thought you belonged to me ♪

♪ It seemed like the perfect arrangement ♪

♪ Ain't it funny when you find how wrong you can be? ♪

♪ 'Cause, oh ♪

♪ This ain't no perfect world ♪

♪ I've got my problems ♪

♪ No, this ain't no perfect world ♪

♪ You've got your problems, too ♪

♪ Now what do we do? ♪

♪ In a perfect world... ♪

Oh.

Doesn't look like Julia's.

Shut up, quizoid. Eat.

- You're up. - Yeah, I've been at it all night.

Check these babies out.

Beautiful Belgian waffles.

Julia made them on her show yesterday.

Did you turn the air conditioner on?

Yeah, well, uh, I was hot.

Look, I'm stuck with the bills.

I would like to keep that thermostat at 76, okay?

Wow, you take these things so personally.

Where are all the dishes?

They're in the dishwasher.

Swell: Well, then empty it.

Well, that's Zach's job.

I'll do it later.

Melissa, it was your turn to dump the trash.

Well, I couldn't fit it into my schedule.

Bryan didn't call, you know?

Melissa: Why not call this dead horse?

Because I am letting him cool off.

I'll call him in a few weeks when all this is over.

I can just go to the beach and take a towel and a Walkman

and lie in the sand

and rub oil on myself,

and I won't have to interface with anybody,

and get tanned.

Oh, yeah.

Little League signups are at 11:30.

- Don't forget. - Melissa, I can't today.

I've got a sales meeting.

But you promised.

I know. I'm sorry.

You're gonna be late for work.

Yeah, yeah. Well, enjoy your childhood.

DJ on radio: Traffic is really tied up

on both the northbound and southbound 405.

Girl: You looked so incredible in that bathing suit.

It was unbelievable.

Sue Ellen!

Operation Eggs Florentine was a rousing success!

The school board's gonna vote on it.

The superintendent needs cost estimates from us by Wednesday.

This is going to triple our profit margin,

and we'll finally, finally prove ourselves to New York.

Oh, you got roses.

And, uh, who might they be from?

Uh, no. They're for you.

Well, obviously our weekend away in Santa Barbara

was the turning point for us.

Shades of real intimacy.

Sue Ellen, Sue Ellen, have you ever had a 48-hour orgasm?

No, I've never been to Santa Barbara.

Look at me. I'm glowing!

The man makes me glow. Am I glowing?

Yeah, you're a little bit shiny.

Oh, God. I feel like a teenager.

Oh, um, here are your messages.

Great. Thanks.

Well, I'm gonna go glow in my office.

I stole her resume from personnel,

checked her out.

Now, I had a feeling none of these companies ever heard of her.

I'm going to Rose.

Yeah, but wait a minute. The void's getting by.

Shh.

And Rose loves her.

She's not gonna care.

You've got to get something better on her than that.

I mean, what did she do, copy it from a resume book?

Crandell house? We got your home entertainment center.

Yeah! Uh, set it up right over there.

Man on phone: The vote on the uniform issue's been pushed up.

I need those cost estimates today.

Robert, I don't see there being any dilemma with that at all.

We'll messenger them right over.

Sue Ellen, how are the cost estimates for the superintendent coming?

He needs them this afternoon.

I'm right on top of that, Rose.

Hi. Where's Cathy?

I don't know. I'm a temp.

Can I help you?

- She doesn't wanna go to the baseball game. - Bryan, just call her.

Call her.

Oh, hi, Carolyn. I'm sick.

Um, this is a QED report.

I promised Sue Ellen I'd do it for her.

Could you see that she gets it? It's really important.

- Thanks. - Thank you.

Bryan: I don't know, Carol.

I don't know why, but she's keeping things from me.

I think it's this other guy, but I don't know.

Maybe I should just do something crazy, you know,

like just go and, like, sweep her off her feet.

Bry, just forget about her.

She's not worth it. You deserve better than that.

Is there a problem, Sue Ellen?

Sue Ellen.

Gus. Hi.

Don't say anything.

- I understand. - What do you understand?

Well, now, either the scenario is

that you want to politely thank me for the roses,

or you... you burst in here wanting to be impulsive

and ask me to, uh,

go to Carmel with you this weekend.

Sure.

We'll fly. I have my pilot's license.

Gus, maybe I gave you the wrong idea,

but I'm not interested in you.

Then why did you burst through my door

so determined, so eager?

Gus, why are you doing this to Rose?

Hey, look, I'm kidding!

Hold on, maybe I gave you the wrong idea.

Why don't we just start with the symphony?

I'm not starting anything with you.

Thanks, guys! Bye.

Any time.

Awesome.

Hey, Scruff, I say next batch

we do more mocha Swiss amaretto ones.

Mocha Swiss, got it.

Kenny?

- Mocha... - Kenny, I need you!

Gourmet munchies, man.

Come help!

Something's wrong with the TV antenna.

I'm in a meeting.

Uh, have Bob Barker help you.

Hey, Scruff. Go long.

Oh. Thanks. Awesome.

What is that sound, dude?

There's something up there, man.

Whoa!

Help!

- Somebody help me! - Whoa.

Dude!

Walter!

Ow!

Holy shit.

Oh, Sue Ellen.

- Paycheck. - Thank you.

Sue Ellen, where have you been?

Where's the QED report?

- Rose, I... I tried... - Carolyn: Ah, yes, the QED report.

I have that for you, Rose.

What are you doing with it?

Sue Ellen, what is Carolyn doing with it?

Cathy Henderson brought it by.

Seems she's been covering for Sue Ellen, doing her work for her.

You let Cathy do the QED report?

Uh-huh.

I was wondering how you were gonna get that

and the research for the school presentation done.

Bravo. You really know how to delegate responsibility.

Carolyn, you wanna be executive material?

Keep an eye on Sue Ellen.

You... you are a paragon.

Ooh.

- Oh. - Rose.

Lunch?

General Apparel West.

- Thanks for the roses. - She's really busy right now. Can I take a message?

- Is this a joke? - Don't mention it.

Sue Ellen? River Ridge Hospital's on line three.

There's an emergency with your son.

Oh, my son.

- Your son? - Her son?

Hello?

Uh, yes, this is Mrs. Crandell.

What?!

Oh, my God.

Okay, okay, I'll be right there.

Will you please tell him I will be right there?

All right. Thank you.

Are you all right?

Uh, yeah. I hope so.

I didn't know you were married.

Um, I'm not. I'm divorced.

It's... it's a painful memory. I don't like to talk about it.

Hi. Um, I'm looking for Walter Crandell.

You called about 20 minutes...

Swell, I don't know if he's okay.

He's in with the doctor right now.

He better be okay.

- Okay, okay, what happened? - I'm sorry.

Mrs. Crandell.

I'm Dr. Permutter. Here he is.

Oh, my God. Yeah, hi. I'm... I'm Mrs. Crandell.

- Hi. - Walter's mom.

How is he? What happened?

Walter, how do you feel, honey? Are you okay?

It's a clean break. It should heal nicely.

I fell off the roof.

What was he doing on the roof, Kenny?

I wasn't there. I should've been.

Well, I mean, not on the roof, but I should've been with him,

taking care of him,

reading "Green Eggs and Ham" or some shit like that.

Walt, man, I'm really sorry.

You'll have to bring him back for a walking cast

in about six weeks.

Have him take one of those if he has any pain.

Walt, we'll stop and get you an ice cream cone, okay?

That doesn't make up for your irresponsibility.

Look, I screwed up!

I'm sorry.

Is he your son, too?

Uh, no.

He's my stepson.

Yeah, that's why we don't get along so well.

Well, we better get on home for supper.

I'm making pot roast. It's Walter's favorite.

Come on, kids. Let's go.

Chop, chop!

Take it easy, now.

Help your brother.

I can't believe you let this happen to him.

- Go to hell. - Damn it, Kenny. Ugh!

- Shit. - What?

My check is only for $735.

I thought you were getting, like, over a grand.

Taxes. They took half of my money away for taxes.

And some savings and pension plan.

Well, at least I made enough

to cover what we spent in petty cash.

Walter, how you doing?

Hey, "Hollywood Squares" are on.

Hey, bitchin'!

Man on TV: Sunlight has real lemon juice.

Where'd this come from?

Japan. It's state of the art.

Well, yeah, it's really nice,

but, uh, where'd you get the money for something so state of the art?

Well, it was petty cash money.

You were spending petty cash money.

Zach, I bought a pair of boots and a magazine!

You bought a home entertainment center?

It's Walter's idea.

Well, it's going back.

We can't take it back. We got it on sale.

It wasn't your money. It was my money.

Oh, well, now, it wasn't really your money either.

You embezzled it.

I did not embezzle it.

I borrowed it.

And I was gonna put it back after my next paycheck,

but we can't afford all this.

How could you do this?

You would never steal from Mom.

That's because Mom never had that much.

There's only $30 left.

Well, you should see the Zsa Zsa diamond ring he bought for Cynthia.

You bought her a diamond?

- How much was it, Zach? - It was a chip.

- Well, get it back from her. - Diamonds are forever.

Melissa: Hey, and I needed a new bike.

And I got Walter the new home edition of "Super Password"

and Elvis a new chew toy.

You have spent over $3,000?

You're grounded. You are all grounded.

How could you steal from me?

Well, now, they didn't really steal.

They borrowed.

They were just following your irresponsible example.

Oh, shut up, Kenny.

I am in deep shit!

Quit your job. Get out while you can.

I'm an embezzler.

They're gonna throw me in prison.

Nah, the judge will probably go easy on you considering you're a minor.

I'm not gonna give up.

We'll just economize.

I'll keep working. I'll work overtime if I have to.

A few more paychecks, I'll be able to put it back, and no one's gonna know, right?

I'm innocent.

GAW is history.

- We're all gonna be out of a job. - What?!

The school board rejected it.

You were right, Sue Ellen.

The students got wind of it last night

and held a huge protest.

They burned uniforms in effigy.

This was our last hope.

We're probably all gonna be canned tomorrow.

Well, listen, Rose. Can't you call New York?

I mean, convince them to give us a little bit more time

so we can keep working?

Oh, why bother?

It's not the end of the world.

- It's just a job. - But, Rose, I need this job.

And, Rose, um...

I have to tell you I, uh...

I kind of have a problem.

You're not gonna have a problem.

You're gonna be fine, believe me.

With all your qualifications and background,

you're gonna land an even better job.

And, Sue Ellen, do me a favor, would you?

Would you break the news to Franklin?

You're so good at dealing with the staff.

Franklin, believe me.

With your qualifications and background,

you'll land an even better job.

Thanks, Sue Ellen.

You've been a real trouper

right to the end.

I'm gonna miss you.

Rose.

I have an idea.

Sue Ellen, this is gonna save our collective asses.

It's fabulous.

Now, I don't want New York to know anything about this

because they'd never approve funding.

So, you'll need to rent a banquet hall.

You do have enough from petty cash, right?

Well, um...

Rose, I have to tell you something.

Go ahead, honey.

You know, banquet halls are so impersonal.

My house is fabulous. We can have it there.

It'll be absolutely perfect.

Look, we are a family of felons.

Our summer of freedom is gonna be a winter prison

if I don't get some help.

Now, I want this place spick-and-span by Saturday night

or I'm turning us all in.

Are you with me?

Hmm?

Guys, what do you say?

- Yeah. - Yeah?

- Come on, what do you say? - All right, yeah!

All right, Swell. We're with ya!

Rock 'n' roll!

♪ Ooh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah... ♪

Thank you.

- I want you to take a look at these. - I don't know, Sue Ellen.

This is really risky.

Okay, let me... let me show you one more thing.

All right, here we have a normal waiter's uniform.

But I was thinking of maybe changing the color

or keeping it black and white.

You could have it in turquoise and black or red and black.

♪ Well, that's the struggle, a push and pull ♪

♪ You pull together and you'll get through ♪

♪ And nothing's good, nothing's bad ♪

♪ It's what you make it when you get there ♪

♪ Stand or fall ♪

♪ Dig down deep ♪

♪ Hold the water or drown at sea ♪

♪ You can't break these chains... ♪

♪ Together forever ♪

♪ No matter what you say ♪

♪ You can't break these chains ♪

- ♪ These chains ♪ - ♪ Together forever... ♪

Coffee, dear?

Swell: Yeah.

♪ Street beat tough with a rebel heart... ♪

Thank you, everyone, for staying.

We're gonna pull an all-nighter.

Strike two!

It's okay, Mel. You can do it.

I know you can. That's right, concentrate.

Take it to him. Don't worry about it. All right.

Kenny: Home run! Way to go, Melissa!

That's my girl.

♪ Together forever ♪

♪ No matter what they say ♪

♪ You can't break these chains ♪

- ♪ These chains ♪ - ♪ Together forever... ♪

Yeah, Swell.

Uh-huh.

But the recipe calls for shrimp,

so I need some more cash.

Kenny, I told you we have to economize.

There's nothing left in petty cash.

I've taken it all.

Look, please just try to do the best that you can.

Oh, wait. I have a coupon for that.

And a double coupon.

Ah!

♪ You can't break these chains ♪

♪ No matter what they say ♪

♪ No matter what you do ♪

♪ You can't break these chains... ♪

Hi.

Where are the kids?

Zach's at Cynthia's,

Melissa's upstairs, and Walter's asleep.

What's wrong with you?

Nothing is wrong with me.

Did you burn something?

Yeah, well, maybe if you'd called

and told me you were gonna be, like, three and half hours late,

I could've planned my dinner better.

I had to work late, okay?

You still should've called.

I sat and I waited.

I went ahead and I fed the kids.

I worked all day on that casserole.

- Sorry. - You haven't even said how nice the house looks.

You're off at the office all day,

doing interesting office things,

I'm stuck here cooking and cleaning and mowing,

helping Melissa with her fastball,

being a role model for Zach,

spending quality time with Walter,

doing your party shit!

You've got the car and you don't even take me anywhere anymore!

And when was the last time we went out to dinner together, huh?

You know what? I'm sick and tired of not being appreciated!

I appreciate you.

Eat shit!

I don't believe this.

I get to get up at 5:30 every morning

so I can beat rush-hour traffic

and go sit behind a desk for eight hours

and miss Oprah Winfrey every day on my summer vacation.

And then I get to drive home in gridlock

in a Volvo with no air conditioning

just so I can take care of you guys and put food on the damn table!

It's a rat race and it sucks, Kenny.

So, what do you want, a medal?

Now, come on. You don't have to do all this.

I mean, I never asked you to whisk the couch.

Well, it needed it.

I knew she was a phony.

I did not think she was a thief.

Distinctive Valet Parking,

Classical Accompaniment musicians.

Bruce: KC Catering.

Bodacious Sculptures in Ice.

She didn't steal from petty cash.

She paid for the buyers' shindig.

It's all legit.

Let's get out of here.

I give up.

Bruce: She's only 17.

Shh.

Swell: All right, now don't be rude to anybody.

Don't spit on anybody.

And don't wander off, because I want you to meet my boss, okay?

- Yeah, okay. - And remember, call me "Mommy."

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Let's rehearse it. Melissa, come here, honey.

- Okay, Mommy! - Good!

Blech. Boo!

- Hi, Mrs. Crandell. - Hi, kids.

Thanks for helping out.

Uh, where's Kenny?

Getting ready.

Good evening, Mrs. Crandell.

Kenny, you look great!

Oh, that's Kenneth.

The guests have already started to arrive.

All right, everyone, man your trays.

Get going there.

Good tray, good tray.

All right. Go get 'em, big man.

Better get your ass out there, Mrs. Crandell.

- Hi, Mommy. - Hi.

Rose, this is my daughter, Melissa.

Hi, boss lady. Creole mushroom?

Well, hello, Melissa. No, thanks, not tonight.

- Okay. Bye. - Bye.

I love that they're wearing our uniforms. Fabulous touch.

- Oh, yeah. Look at the jalopy. - Aw, how cute.

This is going to be so much fun.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, yo, mad dog.

You wanna park the car?

We're on a break, dude.

Yo, park it yourself, Metallica breath.

- Oh, hi! - Hi, Cathy.

I brought this Jell-O mold just in case you needed one.

- Oh, this is my husband, Howard. - Hello.

I love your house. Oh, wow!

Swell, take the baked Brie out of the oven. It'll caramelize.

Yes.

Zachary! Where you been? You're our maître d'.

- Cynthia dumped me for Jacob. - Swell: Oh, honey.

I'm so sorry.

I just don't understand.

She was my moon goddess.

Tsk, I know.

Get over it.

Did you get the diamond back?

Kenny, I'm out of rumaki.

Let me get that for ya.

I'm maître d'.

Uh, excuse me. Rose?

What is it, Carolyn?

Something?

Since this is the biggest night in GAW history,

I thought you might like to know

that this all rests in the hands of a child.

A child you hired.

This is, by far and away,

the most petty, spiteful, vindictive machination

you have ever concocted.

Grow up, Carolyn.

- We're here! What do you want us to do? - Hey, hey!

Oh, great. Um, why don't you go up to my room and change,

and I'll be up there in a few seconds, okay?

- Okay. - This is gonna be great.

Kenny?

Oh, hey, Nicole.

Mm.

Oh, Sue Ellen! I was looking for you.

Great house!

- Oh, you look lovely. - Thank you.

- No, I know you said you're not interested. - That's right, I'm not.

But I understand why.

And I want you to know I'm not taking this lightly.

Gus, it's just that I don't think that it's fair...

No, I know. I know. My timing is off.

And I know you're... you're just getting over a divorce and...

Gus, you can't imagine how off your timing is.

Forget it.

Or we could just have a wild, sweaty fling.

What do you think?

Gus, you know,

I think the scenario here

is that you're a sleaze ball.

Hey! Whoa. Hey, I was kidding.

I surrender.

Wha...?

What's this?

What is this?

Well, uh, just a little accident.

Swell: Uh, Rose, Gus...

Gus has sort of a little crush on me.

He's been coming on to you?

Rose, come on.

You know how I feel about you.

You're the one I wanna listen to beautiful music with.

You.

He sent those roses to me.

That's not true!

Rose. Rose, believe me.

Okay, we're all adults here and we have a presentation to get through.

Gus, the buyer from Saks is looking for you.

Sue Ellen, it's showtime.

Okay.

Good evening.

Thank you.

I'm Rose Lindsey,

and on behalf of General Apparel West,

I'd like to welcome you.

Now, I'm sure you're all on the edge of your seats,

wondering what we have in store for you.

So, to conduct our presentation,

I'd like to introduce to you our hostess,

our recently named employee of the month,

and the woman responsible for all you're going to view tonight,

Sue Ellen Crandell.

Thank you, Rose.

Welcome, everyone.

For 12 years, General Apparel West

has enjoyed a solid reputation

as the manufacturer of quality uniforms.

But times, they are a-changing.

We're growing, we're expanding,

we're approaching the millennium

with a fresh attitude and a fresh look.

And what we have for you tonight is a preview

of the General Apparel West to come.

Swell: Ladies and gentlemen,

General Apparel West proudly presents

the teenage fashion wave of the future.

- ♪ I like to do it ♪ - ♪ Uh-huh ♪

♪ And when the sun goes down ♪

♪ We're moving underground ♪

♪ I'm in a catwalk mood... ♪

Swell: Tess, Marcie, and Donna

are wearing bellhop uniforms in fuchsia, purple, and teal

hand-airbrushed slub silk with matching caps.

The epaulets and cuff detailing

are antique gold lace.

The jackets, in varying lengths,

are matched with either sporty black trousers

or sleek mini skirts.

As you can see, the basic General Apparel West uniform

has been modified and accessorized

to create a fun and sexy look for the teenage girl.

Nicole is wearing a formfitting nurse's uniform

with mini hem line... sure to speed up any boy's pulse.

The black diamonds on Nicole's cap and dress

are hand-airbrushed on fuchsia spandex.

Her pink high-top sneakers

are laced up her tangerine tights.

And, of course, no nurse would be complete

without her stethoscope necklace.

Jill, a referee,

is wearing an oversized silk jersey

in bold black and turquoise stripes,

black tights, and high-top sneakers.

The whistle earrings and necklace and black baseball cap

complement this carefree and spirited look

for the girl who's playing the field and calling all the plays.

Swell, it's me. It's Bryan.

Hey, listen, Swell, we gotta talk about this.

Forget about this other guy. We can work this out.

It was really stupid what happened the other night

I mean, I don't know if it was some kind of

communication meltdown or what, but...

- I think we should work it out. - Katrina, our chef,

is really cooking in, um, her scarf

and she's whipping up excitement in her boots.

Thank you, Katrina. Thank you, Katrina.

Bryan: I really care about you, Swell... about us.

There's something about you, Swell.

I don't even know what it is, but...

I feel better around you than anyone else.

Swell, I really miss you.

Swell: And our last model is Becky.

Becky is our Boy Scout

and she is wearing a Boy Scout's uniform.

Thank you, Becky.

Bryan?

Swell: And...

and, everyone, the highlight of our fashion extravaganza,

young Bryan, our Clown Dog server.

- You're having a party? - Swell!

Bryan is wearing a Clown Dog uniform

with a classic wedge cap...

- Swell. - ...evoking the charming nostalgia of...

- Mrs. Crandell. - What?!

Mom's home.

Hi, Mom.

Busted. Oh!

And that is our presentation for this evening.

Thank you all for coming. Good night.

Sue Ellen, what the hell are you doing?

- What are you doing? - I'm right on top of that, Rose.

- No. Please, you gotta finish the presentation. - I know what you're gonna say.

- It's not as bad as you think, Mom. - Save it.

Oh, shit.

Come on. Just... just do it.

Mom: Swell!

You're in big trouble, young lady.

Um, I can't handle this anymore.

I applied for a receptionist job.

I don't even know what an executive administrative assistant does.

I, uh... I lied to everyone about everything,

and, um, I'm sorry.

I'm only 17.

I have a curfew.

I just finished high school. I can't even vote yet.

This is supposed to be my summer vacation.

I'm... I'm not supposed to be a career mom.

I, uh... I can't be the hub of your communication network.

I'm really not ready for any of this.

I'm sorry.

Rose, I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry.

How humiliating. I love it.

Yeah, babe. Justice is served.

Bryan, what are you doing here?

Carolyn!

So, do you believe me now?

Or are you just gonna believe some kid?

I'm gonna believe some kid.

Go to hell, Gus.

Mom: Sue Ellen, I'm not real clear about what's been going on around here,

but I want these people off my property.

And I want you to start doing some heavy duty explaining.

I am never trusting you again.

I specifically said no parties.

You weren't supposed to come home till next week.

Sorry to have messed up your plans.

Who are these people?!

- Mom, calm down. - I will not calm down!

Walter. What happened to Walter?

He had a little accident, but everything is taken care of.

I have excellent medical coverage.

And we will clean up the party, okay?

Now, come on, Mom. You've had along flight and you're cranky.

I have had a very rough night.

So, why don't you just go upstairs and take a nap,

and tomorrow morning, Kenny will whip up a batch of Belgian waffles

and we'll sit down and discuss this

like adults, all right?

Fine.

Kenny, Zach, why don't you guys go wrap up the party, okay?

- Okay. - And, Melissa, why don't you help Walter to bed?

All right, Mommy. I mean, Swell.

Mwah. Mwah.

- Thank you. - Kenny.

What did you do to yourself?

- We'll talk about it in the morning, Mom. - Oh, oh...

But for now, why don't you just go to your room?

- Boy: Yeah, boy! Check it. - Oh, that's very funny.

- That is very funny. - What?

I'll be damned.

Rose, I am so sorry.

Sue Ellen, the buyers didn't care anything about that scene.

They're all just a bunch of old whores.

They loved your ideas.

They see nothing but dollar signs.

As a matter of fact, they complimented me

on hiring a teenager to gain market perspective.

So I've got... I've got seven meetings set up next week alone.

They want the new GAW line.

But what about everything else?

I mean, I lied to you.

I'm a terrible person.

Well, I suppose you'll grow out of that.

Maybe.

Dude, that was a superior party.

Superior eats, man.

Yeah.

Thanks for helping out.

No problem.

Hey, what do you say?

Beer bust tomorrow night, huh?

I can't.

I got a date with Swell's friend, Nicole.

- The nurse? - Yeah.

Hot!

Hey, you know, school starts next week.

Lazy days.

I don't know.

I was thinking I might go to class more.

Why?

Well, time to finish up school.

You know, I might take some home ec.

Graduate.

Maybe go to the culinary academy or some shit like that.

That could be cool.

Yeah.

It's time to do something.

Please reconsider.

I'm offering you a wonderful opportunity.

I know.

And I appreciate it a lot, really.

But I don't know. I think I'm gonna try college.

Design school or something. I don't know.

I still have a lot to learn, you know?

Well, if you wanna get into Vassar, I could pull some strings.

Maybe.

Gosh, I'm gonna miss you.

I'm gonna miss you, too.

♪ With a heart that hangs, oh, so low... ♪

Thank you.

♪ Tonight, today ♪

♪ In so many ways... ♪

Let's get together Monday night. We'll have dinner.

- Okay? - Okay.

Bye, sweetie.

♪...in life's rich tapestry ♪

♪ And all it gives to me ♪

♪ I believe in life's rich tapestry ♪

♪ And what it takes from me ♪

♪ I believe in life's rich tapestry... ♪

Hi.

Bryan, I'm really sorry.

Yeah.

Well, Carolyn and I both pretty much figured out what's been going on.

Is that everything?

I mean, there isn't anything else you haven't told me, right?

You're not really a guy, are you?

No.

So, um...

did you mean what you said about working things out?

Oh, come on. We broke up, remember, Swell?

We didn't break up. We had a fight, Bryan.

Yeah, because you were lying to me.

Yeah, but that's over.

So, if you thought that we broke up,

I guess you kind of thought that we were together, huh?

Well, yeah.

Anyway...

I guess now that I know the truth...

Yeah.

♪ Are the stars out... ♪

Well, thanks for sticking around.

Swell, what are you doing New Year's Eve?

♪ I only have eyes... ♪

Aw!

♪ For you... ♪

I think this is another really good moment.

Yeah, me, too.

How'd you think you could get away with all this, anyway?

Well, I pretty much did.

Swell, one more thing.

Yeah, Mom?

Where is the babysitter?

♪ Let's go... ♪

I'm really gonna miss her.

You never even knew her.

Yeah, but she left us all the money.

She was already dead, you moron.

Well, that's true.

Hey, how about Vegas this weekend? You got any money left?

- ♪ Draggin' the line ♪ - ♪ Draggin' the line ♪

♪ My dog Sam eats purple flowers ♪

♪ We ain't got much, but what we got's ours ♪

♪ We dig snow and the rain and the bright sunshine ♪

- ♪ Draggin' the line ♪ - ♪ Draggin' the line ♪

♪ I feel fine ♪

♪ Talking 'bout peace of mind ♪

♪ And I'm gonna take my time ♪

♪ Gettin' the good sign ♪

♪ Loving the free and the feelin' spirit ♪

♪ Of huggin' a tree when you get near it ♪

♪ Diggin' the snow and the rain and the bright sunshine ♪

- ♪ Draggin' the line ♪ - ♪ Draggin' the line ♪

♪ I feel fine ♪

♪ Talking 'bout peace of mind ♪

♪ And I'm gonna take my time ♪

♪ Gettin' the good sign ♪

♪ Loving the free and the feelin' spirit ♪

♪ Of huggin' a tree when you get near it ♪

♪ Diggin' the snow and the rain and the bright sunshine ♪

- ♪ Draggin' the line ♪ - ♪ Draggin' the line ♪

♪ I feel fine ♪

♪ Talking 'bout peace of mind ♪

♪ And I'm gonna take my time ♪

♪ Gettin' the good sign ♪

♪ Draggin' the line ♪

♪ Makin' a livin' the old, hard way ♪

♪ Takin' and givin' my day by day ♪

♪ I dig snow and the rain and the bright sunshine ♪

♪ We're draggin' the line ♪

♪ Whoa-ho! ♪

♪ I feel fine ♪

♪ Talking 'bout peace of mind ♪

♪ And I'm gonna take my time ♪

♪ Gettin' the good sign ♪

- ♪ Draggin' the line ♪ - ♪ Draggin' the line ♪

♪ Yeah, draggin' the line ♪

♪ Draggin' the line ♪

♪ Draggin' the, draggin' the, draggin' the, draggin' the line ♪

♪ My dog Sam eats purple flowers ♪

♪ We ain't got much, but what we got's ours ♪

♪ My dog Sam eats purple flowers ♪

♪ We ain't got much, but what we got's ours ♪

♪ My dog Sam eats purple flowers ♪

♪ We ain't got much, but what we got's ours ♪

- ♪ My dog Sam ♪ - ♪ Draggin' the line. ♪

Easy, dog.