All language subtitles for Grace.and.Grit.2021.1080p.WEBRip.x265-RARBG2_English

[***]

[audience applauds and cheers]

[John Denver] Thank you.

I have one more for you,
called "I Want To Live."

But first I'd like to introduce
a dear friend of mine

who's going to share
a few words.

Treya Wilber.

[audience applauds and cheers]

[Treya] Thank you.

[John Denver] Yeah.

[Treya] Hello.

My name is
Treya Killam Wilber.

Many of you here
have known me as Terry.

I've been involved with
Windstar from the early days.

Five years ago,
in August of '83,

I met and totally fell in love
with Ken Wilber.

I always used to call it
love at first touch.

[***]

[Treya] [voice-over]
"Dear Friends,

Remember those lists
I used to make...

my wish list
for the perfect man?

Well, at 36,
I certainly didn't think

that man
could still happen to me.

Yep, love,
I've finally found him.

His name is Ken Wilber.

Maybe you've heard of him.

He's revered as "the Einstein
of Consciousness."

At the CAL Institute
for Psychological Studies

was where I first read
this Mr. Wilber's work.

I didn't think much of this
until a few weeks later

when Frances called
to invite me to dinner with Ken

at her and Roger's home.

[Ken] It needs to be explored
and maybe you'll find that
answer.

[Frances] Uh, we're
trying to have kids,

but it's not working.

[Treya] [voice-over] Ken and I
just barely had a chance

to say hello
when our two friends

began to bring up some problems
in their relationship.

-It's important to
differentiate, to understand...

[Treya] [voice-over]
Ken was asked to be therapist

for the evening.

[Frances] But it's like
there's something stopping...

[Ken] But the love is there.

[Treya] [voice-over]
Which was fine,

because it gave me some time
to get used to his shaved head.

[laughter]

[muted conversation]

[***]

-So, um, Frances and Roger
told me you're like,

the most amazing woman
to walk the planet.

-[laughs] Please...

They say you're amazing too.

[laughs]

[***]

[Treya] Well, good night.

[Ken] Bye, and good night.

-Hey, look, um...

I know this sounds strange,

but when I hugged you
in the kitchen,

I felt like...

I never wanted to let you go.

-Yeah.
-[chuckles]

-Yeah, me too...

Good night.
-Good night.

[Treya chuckles]

[Treya breathes deeply]

[***]

-I found her.

[giggles]

I've really found her.

[exhales]

[Ken] [voice-over]
I noticed a series of subtle

energy currents
running through my body

like an earnest series...

[Treya] [voice-over]
The softness of the air...

[Ken] [voice-over]
...slow energy currents

an energy that lies asleep
until aroused by

the right person or event.
An energy...

[Treya] [voice-over]
Be touched like that.

[Ken] [voice-over]
[indistinct]

[Treya] [voice-over]
Deep caring, like he touched me.

-...the right person.

-Gentleness.

[Ken] [voice-over] An energy
that seemed to radiate from her

in all directions.

[Treya] [voice-over]
Willingness to support.

First through his words
and what it showed of him...

[Ken] [voice-over]
An energy of vast intelligence

from the right person...

[Treya] [voice-over]
Asking questions.

The depth of his brown eyes,
and then an easy melting.

[Ken] [voice-over]
Suffused with beauty.

But mostly an energy
that was alive.

This woman said life more than
anyone I had ever known.

[Treya] Of truth...

and finding it.

-[giggles]
And God, she was alive!

[Treya] [voice-over]
The softness.

I trust him more than...
as if I already know him.

[sighs]

[Ken] [voice-over] In case
I read this in the future,

just to be clear,

Treya and I have
not slept together.

We simply put our arms
around each other,

once in the kitchen,
and once shortly after.

That was the sum total
of our involvement.

Though I certainly sense
there is more to come.

[Treya] [voice-over]
I became obsessed

with the thought of Ken...

[chuckles]
I'll take all these.

I-I'm just checking them out
for some friends.

-Hm.

[Ken] So, then I got a job
as a dishwasher,

earning 350 dollars a month
and sending 100 of that

to Sam at Shambhala Publications
for mail order books.

And I wrote that book.

The Spectrum of Consciousness ,
I loved it.

[inhales deeply]

And then five more books
in five years. Right?

-Have you been stalking me?

-Yeah. I'm looking for a good
dishwasher.

[both chuckle]

-Yeah.
I bus tables too, ya know.

-Oh, yeah? [chuckles]

[Ken laughs]

-What's something that no one
probably knows about you?

-I wrote out all of
Alan Watts' books by hand.

-All right,
that's pretty exhausting.

I don't think
anybody needs to know that.

-So why are you
a psychologist?

-I think growing up,
I never had a place

to put my thoughts and feelings.

My parents are wonderful.

I'd say they're just [inhales]
highly conventional.

-Mm. The old guard?

-They did well
in oil and investments.

And I think it's just
reflective of the social circles

they're in as well.

[inhales deeply] But they love
me enormously.

Anyhow, it makes it

so that I can afford to date
authors, you know.

-[chuckles]
Well, that's okay.

You know,
I'm a great dishwasher,

and I sell a few books.

[***]

Has anything like this
ever happened to you?

-No.

Nothing like this.

How about you?

-Never, not like this.

-[glass breaks]
-Oh, god. [laughing]

-It's bigger
than the two of us, pilgrim.

[Treya laughing]

[***]

[all laughing]

-So you've only known him
a few weeks, Treya!

-And you've never
raved about a guy, like ever.

-Mm-hm. And you have not
dated a boy in over two years.

-I know. I know.
He's, he's amazing.

He's just so lovable.

-So you think you might get,
you know, you might?

You better.

-I think well...yes!
We will get married.

[laughing]

-Oh, my god. Finally!

[Treya inhales and exhales
deeply]

-I haven't heard you
say that word

since you were three years old
when you used to play dress up.

Remember that? [laughs]

-Not only do I approve,

I'm a little worried
she's getting shortchanged, pal.

-I know.
-[Sam laughs]

[***]

-So what did you
tell Sam about me?

-Let's see. Hmmm. No, I told Sam
that if she'll have me,

that... this is the girl
that I'd like to marry.

-Of course.

I was gonna ask you.

[***]

[Sue laughing]

-When I met your daddy,

I was so busy with my life,
but I knew he was the one.

[Treya chuckles]

-It's all
I've ever wanted for you.

So I want you to know, honey:
I am here for you,

come rain or come shine.
Love you.

-Mom.

-Go get your man.

[Treya laughs]

[***]

-I love you
more than life.

[breathes deeply]

I just can't believe it's real.

I've known you
less than four months.

-I've been searching
for you for a hundred lifetimes.

I've slain a thousand dragons
to find you.

I love you
to the depths of the ocean,

beyond the height
of the mountains,

beyond the heat of the sun...

beyond time...

forever. Forever.

[Treya breathes deeply]

-Let's go get married.

[***]

-You know,
when I recently opened up

a box of books that Treya
sent to me, I thought,

"Ah, Treya has discovered
my favorite writer."

And then I opened her letter.

"Oh, Treya is marrying
my favorite writer."

[crowd laughs and applauds]

-Ken, Treya, you're
gathered here today

being bound not only as lovers,
but as souls

to continually bring out
the courageous and beautiful

from inside one another.

And here, now, like a bridge
joining two lands,

we witness the joining
of these two souls through love,

entering into a dance
from this day forward

to unite separateness,
to pierce time,

and to leap together
into eternity.

-I will take you from here
to forever and never let you go.

-I will take you from here
to forever and never let you go.

-My wife.

-My husband. [chuckles]

[crowd clapping]

-Please stand.

[***]

[thunder rumbling]

[***]

-I know, Mom, it's a miracle.

I finish classes,
Ken has some final editing,

and then Hawaii.

-Hawaii?

[Treya] Yes, Hawaii.

[Sue chuckles]

[Treya]
So we'll see you at Christmas.

-All right.
Um, you know, honey...

I'm...I'm just not crazy
about his writing.

I just opened it,

and there was a picture
of somebody humping.

-Mom, Mom, I gotta go.

-But as long as you're happy.

-Okay. Bye, Mom.

-All right. Love you.

[Treya]
I love you too.

-I guess I said
the wrong thing.

[***]

[doctor] Okay.

And now I'm gonna examine
the left breast.

[voice-over]
Now I'm going to do the right.

[doctor] Do you know you have
a lump in your right breast?

-What?

-Well, it's fairly
large and hard.

But it's not attached to
the muscle and moves easily.

My guess is
it's nothing to worry about.

Maybe just a cyst.

-What do you think
we should do?

-Why don't we wait a month and
see if it changes in size.

It could change
with your menstrual cycle.

Come back
and see me in a month.

[Treya] Okay.

-It's hard, which is bad.

But it's symmetrical
and detached,

which is good,
so don't worry.

Let's get a second opinion.

And no, nothing is gonna
tear me away from you.

-Nothing.

Good, Mr. Wilber.

I hope not.

[breathes deeply]

I think you're done for tonight.

-[glass thuds]
-Bye-bye, book.

-Bye-bye, book.
-[Ken chuckles]

-If only I could have everything

that's inside of
this beautiful mind.

-If only I could have everything

inside this beautiful heart.

-All right, ready?

Mm.

It's probably a fibroadenoma,
a benign growth.

Should definitely
have it removed.

-We--we leave
for our honeymoon,

and then we're gone
for two weeks over Christmas.

Can it wait?

[doctor] Yes, I think so.

No danger in waiting
three weeks.

Though, I want you to see
a surgeon for his opinion.

Um, Dr. Peter Richards.

His office is close
to Marin General.

Um, you know, let's give him
a call in my office.

He might want to fit you in
before the trip.

Okay?
-Okay.

-Oh, Dr. Peter Richards.

He is wonderful.

He did my colon operation
15 years ago at M.D. Anderson.

-He's the Chief of Surgery

at Children's
Hospital in San Fran now.

He says
it's probably nothing but

just to be safe,
he wants to take it out.

Anyhow,
I gotta go pack.

-So you have
your exam tomorrow and then

you're counseling.
Is that right?

-Yes. Dr. Richards
will remove the lump

the next day before we fly.

-Oh? All right.

And Ken is taking
good care of you?

-Of course he is, Mom.

-Well, I just...

-You just what?

-Oh, nothing, honey.
I just, uh--

-Mom, listen.

I know what you think

and not everyone understands
or agrees with his books.

But, you know, he's more than

what's just written
in those books, okay?

-All right.

-I love you. I've
got to go pack.

-I love you.

-Bye.

-Safe flight.

[young Treya laughing]

-Honey, are we gonna do
that swim across the bay?

-Is the Pope Catholic?

-Uh huh.

-Does a one-legged duck
swim in circles?

-[chuckles] Yes.

-Was Jesus a carpenter?

-Does an obnoxious husband
think that he's gonna

get me tonight
by asking silly questions?

-Oh, that's nice.

-It is nice.

-Soft...

So, do you think
we're gonna find dolphins

out there in that ocean?

[Ken] Mm-hm.

[Treya] Maybe we can see
some whales?

[Ken] Or sharks.

[Treya] This little bay
right here. No sharks!

[both chuckle]

[Dr. Richards]
So how old were you

when you started menstruating?

[Treya] Maybe 14.

[Dr. Richards] Okay.
Have you ever had a child?

-Uh, no.
I've never been pregnant.

-Okay.

Has anyone in your family
had breast cancer?

-Not that I know of.

-Okay.
And has the lump ever hurt?

-No, never.

-Okay.
Are you nervous

about the operation,
about the local anesthesia?

I mean, if you--if you are,
we can give you something.

[Treya] No, I feel fine.

[Dr. Richards] Good.
And do you eat meat?

[Treya] Nope. Vegetarian.

[Dr. Richards] Oh, good for you.

All right.

[Treya chuckles]

[footsteps]

[ocean breeze]

[footsteps]

[***]

[footsteps]

[***]

-Hi. I'd like to see
the Wilbers in my office.

[Nurse] Okay.
-Good.

-I'm sorry.
But the tumor is malignant.

-And, um,
the detailed results are--?

-Yeah, let me get that for you.

Can I get a nurse in my office
with the Wilber chart, please?

-How? It's so unfair.

[crying]

-This is crazy.

Most medical and scientific
information

is either inconclusive
or negative.

-Okay. I just read
a New Age perspective

that says illness is a lesson.

While most alternative
information

is unrelenting and positive.

Did you see
that Woody Allen quote?

-It looks like everybody
who gets treated

by orthodox medicine dies.

"I don't get angry.
I grow tumors instead."

-The one who gets treated with
the alternative medicine lives.

[Ken laughs]

-A film with
a giant squirting boob

as a character in it.

Condemned to meaning.

[Ken sighs]

-Are we wearing
matching outfits?

By curiosity,
or whatever design...

-Okay, Mr. Wilber.

I'll make the list.

A period of depression
I went through,

repressing some emotions,
eating too much animal fat.

Is it possible that somewhere
inside ... worrying ...

part of me
doesn't want to live?

Being too self-critical.

I just don't want you to
have to worry about me.

Lonely as a child maybe.

[Ken] People saying it's caused
by repressed emotions

don't know
what they're talking about.

-Not meeting Ken sooner.

So, what do you think?

-I like the last one.

I don't know what caused it,
sweetheart,

and I don't think anybody does.

-Ken, I'm scared.

-As long as you're
breathing and crying,

I won't worry about you.

Now, if you stop either one,
then I'll worry.

If you want to make
any changes,

don't do any of them because
you think they caused it.

Do it because
you want to do it anyway.

Hm? Look...

let's make it
a new beginning. Hm?

-You promise?

[both chuckling]

-I love you.

[***]

-Okay, it's a new procedure.

It was pioneered in Europe.

And I think you'd be
a really good candidate for it.

You see, these tumors are
the Nazis of the cancer crowd

and they're not
terribly impressed with

wheatgrass or sweet thoughts.

I mean, you got to
nuke these bastards.

As a matter of fact,
I had a discussion about it

with your mom and Rad
right after I'd read about it.

-Babe?

-Um, we've certainly
done the research

on the various combinations.

-For sure.

[breathes deeply] Okay.

Segmental mastectomy,
that'll save lymph nodes.

Followed by radiation

and a spectrum
of holistic treatments.

[Dr. Richards] I like this.

-Okay.

-Babe, I can't believe
this is our honeymoon.

-We'll be there in Hawaii.
I'll wear that bikini.

[chuckles]

-What are you doing?

-A hospital is a terrible
place to be if you're sick.

I mean, there are germs
in the hospital

that you can't get
anywhere else.

If the germs don't get you,
the food will.

So, I'm staying.

Besides, this is our honeymoon.

[knocking on door]

-Come in.

-You've got visitors.

-Ooh. So you are
rock solid, sweetheart.

Oh. Twenty nodes out,
all negative.

-I know.
-That is so impressive.

Now, Kent and Kati and I went
Christmas shopping near Max's,

but we didn't find
a thing for you.

-Thanks, Mom.

-We are busting you
outta here tomorrow.

-I can't wait!

I'm so excited!
-Me too. I missed you.

-I missed you.
-[chuckles]

-Come home for Christmas.

-We have cookies ready...

-Presents.
-Yep. [laughs]

-Oh, you're gonna get
so many presents.

-Oh, my favorite.
-[Sue] Oh.

[all laughing]

[indistinct conversation]

[moans softly]

[***]

[birds chirping]

-Since your tumor
was estrogen positive,

the--the hormonal shifts
with being pregnant

would be like fertilizer
for any remaining cells.

I think it's an amazing sign
that you're--

that you're pregnant, Terry.
I do.

And if, if you're free of this
in two years,

you can get pregnant again.

-So we'll wait.

Hey, we'll do it again.

And you're a healthy girl

and we're gonna start
a big fucking family.

[Treya laughs tearily]

[Treya clears throat]

[Ken] Thanks, Doc.

[Dr. Richards] Of course.

[***]

[Treya] [voice-over] Sorry
I haven't written in so long.

The big news now is that
we're moving to Lake Tahoe.

It all came about because
I accidentally got pregnant.

I cried for a week.

It made me realize how much
I really want Ken's child.

Kids love Ken.

He says it's because

he's the same emotional age
as they are.

We'll be clear
in two years though.

Honey, are you ready?

I told the magazine
I'd fax your interview today.

[voice-over]
When we met,

he owned one desk chair,
a typewriter ...

Okay, Mr. Wilber.

[voice-over]
... and 4,000 books.

Why don't you start
by explaining

what you mean by
the "perennial philosophy"?

-[clears throat] Okay, well,
the human body, for example,

has 208 bones,
one heart and two kidneys,

whether it appears in
Mozambique or Manhattan,

whether today
or a thousand years ago.

These we call "deep structures."

Well, just as the human body
universally grows hair,

the human mind
universally grows ideas,

and the human spirit
universally grows intuitions.

-It's hard to see
what many religions,

like Buddhism and Christianity,
for instance, might agree on.

-Mm. We charge extra
for that.

-Oh, come on.
Give me six points.

-All right. One, spirit exists.
Two, it resides within.

Three, most of us
don't realize this

because we're living in
an illusory state of separation.

Four, there is a path
out of this state.

Five, if you follow this path,
the result is transcendence,

which, six,
marks the end of suffering.

Now take your pants off.

-Mr. Wilber!

Okay, so you're saying
that spirit exists within?

-Yes.

And it's found by
consistently looking within

until within becomes beyond.

-Within, huh?

[recording clicks]

Okay, so for the grand prize.

-So by looking at my mind,
I eventually transcend the mind?

-Exactly.

[Treya inhales
and exhales deeply]

-You wanna get something to eat?

Or I could make spaghetti again.

-[exhales]
I'm trying to transcend.

-[laughs] I'm starving.
Transcendence can wait.

[Treya laughs]

[phone ringing]

[Receptionist]
Hello, Dr. Richard's office.

-Hi. This is
Terry Killam Wilber.

Can I please speak to
Dr. Richards, please?

[Receptionist]
Of course, one second.

[Dr. Richards]
Hey, Terry.

It's Dr. Richards.

Listen, we got the results
of your test back today.

Look, I'm really sorry
to say this.

It's--it's an unusual
kind of recurrence.

But I don't want you to worry.
We can take care of this.

So, when can you come back in?

-Uh, I can be there tomorrow.

Okay. Thank you.

[voice-over]
If it is, it is.

[Dr. Richards]
Hello, how are you doing?

-Good.

[Dr. Richards] Comfortable?

-Yeah.

[Dr. Richards] Good.

So, when I remove
your right breast today,

Dr. Harvey will be reducing

the size of your left.
-Yeah.

-See, some of the cells
got caught on the drainage tube.

And so when we took that out,
they got caught on the skin

and were left behind.

And I promise you, we will
get them all today, Terry.

[Treya] Okay.

-Okay.

There.

All right, so we're gonna
have to move your nipple up.

But we can do this without
severing the connection

with the milk ducts.

So that way,
the breast stays functional

and if you ever decide
you want to have a child.

[breathes deeply]

-Okay. Eighty-three.
All right?

If you don't mind,
can you just stand up here?

I'm just gonna--
-[Treya] Uh, yeah.

[Dr. Richards] Unfortunately,
I'm gonna have to draw on you

a little bit.
-That's okay.

[knocking on door]

-Hey, come in, come in.
-Hi.

Um, hi, sweetie, is it--

is this all right?

[Treya] It's fine, Mom.

It's okay,
Come, and I'll show you.

-I'll be right back, baby.

[Treya] Okay, sweetheart.

[***]

[creepy music]

[sobs]

[cries]

-I mean,
you're like such a stud!

[exhales] Total stud.

-[chuckles] No.
-Yes.

-Look,
it's been with us a year,

as long as we've been married.

The program's straightforward:
diet... megavitamins...

well, of course, [chuckles]...

[together]
sexercise! [laughs]

-More sexercise.

[laughs]

I think I was more upset
about your boob than you were.

-Yeah, well,
it was worth it.

-Yeah.

-The doctors seem unanimous.

-Biggest stud I know.

[both laugh]

-I love you, Kati.

-I love you.

[phone ringing]

[Ken] [into phone]
Hello?

Yes.

Mm-hm.

I see.

Okay, thank you.

[hangs up phone]

-What?

Look, I'm barely stage two,
estrogen positive, clean nodes.

-The opinions were divided.

-Just fucking
tell me straight, Ken!

[breathes rapidly]

-Recurrence within a year.

Recurrence in a radiated area.
Estrogen negative.

Grade four, stage four.

-[crying] No.

I don't want it.

Please. No.

[crying]

-Listen, listen.

What does this decision
all hinge on?

-Intellect isn't going to
save the day now, Ken.

[exhales]

Okay. What?

-The pathology report.
Dr. Lagios.

He's the one that's been
staring down the microscope

at your cells,
and it's his report

that these doctors
are trying to interpret.

You want me to call or you?

-Doctors listen to men.
You call.

[phone dial beeping]

-Dr. Lagios, please.

It's Ken Wilber. It's urgent.

Dr. Lagios,
I know this is unusual,

but Terry and I have some
difficult decisions to make,

and I was wondering if I can
just talk to you for a minute.

Dr. Lagios,
our doctors are divided

as to whether Terry's recurrence
was local or metastatic.

I just want to know

how aggressive
the cells look to you.

Please.

Tell me, Dr. Lagios.

If this was your wife,
would you recommend chemo?

And the odds?

[sniffles]

-Whfff.

Suicide sounds nice
right about now.

[breathes deeply]

-The Reglan's hitting you hard.

You're having
a bad histamine reaction.

Just hold on
for the Benadryl, okay?

Could you start the Benadryl?

[Treya breathing rapidly]

Hang in there.

We'll be back at the hotel
in no time, okay?

[Treya breathing rapidly]

You got this.
You got this.

[Treya breathing rapidly]

-Are you okay?

-Yeah. Keep reading to me.

The witness exercise from
No Boundary , would you?

[Treya breathing deeply]

-"I have a body,
but I am not my body.

"My body may be
tired or excited,

"sick or healthy,
anxious or calm,

"but that has nothing to do
with my inward I.

"I have emotions,
but I am not my emotions.

Emotions pass through me."

-[sighs] It really helps,
it just doesn't last.

I feel like I'm crawling
out of my skin.

Suicide sounds sensible.

Oh, god. Hm.

-Nietzche used to say

that the only way
he got to sleep at night

was by promising to kill himself
in the morning.

[both laughing]

-Okay. Read me more.

The part about the...
the witness being immortal.

-Sure.

[voice-over] "Perhaps you,
like most people,

"feel that you are

"basically the same person
you were yesterday.

"You probably also feel
that you are fundamentally

"the same person
you were a year ago.

"Put another way: you never
remember a time

"when you weren't you.

"In other words,
something in you

"seems to remain untouched
by the passage of time.

"Your mind, your body,
your feelings,

"all have changed with time.

"But you know that
something has not changed.

Something feels the same."

[Treya] [voice-over] Chemo
is based on a single principle:

cancer cells divide and grow
twice as fast as healthy cells.

The idea is to kill
some healthy cells,

but many more bad cells.

At the end of
a successful round,

the tumor is dead
and the patient only half-dead.

Ken and I stood in front of
the mirror together,

staring at the odd sight
of the both of us,

just laughing.

Ken's been
unbelievably supportive,

and that he keeps me laughing
has saved my life.

When I first shaved my head,

he told me I'm the sexiest woman
he's ever been with.

And then he told me he likes
my head so much this way

that after it grows back,

he wants me to shave it again.
[chuckles]

Linda Conger
came up to Tahoe

to photograph us together.

During the shoot,
Ken put on my breast prosthesis

and suggested
Linda shoot us nude

from the waist up.

My god, the three of us
laughed so hard we cried.

That's kinda how it is
with cancer, I guess,

cry till you laugh
and laugh till you cry.

[Kati] [reading] "The rough
parts were losing my period,

"mouth sores, painful bowel,
blood sometimes.

"But it's amazing what
human beings can endure.

"And Kristen and I
hosting the group

"from the Wellness Center...

I was so inspired
by the stories."

[Treya] [voice-over] After that,
it started to get tough.

Ken hasn't written in forever.

He's given up his life
to care for me,

all day, all night,
every day and night.

Since right when
we got married.

[Kati] [reading] " One night,
a good friend of mine

"called to ask for
some insight about cancer.

"She called for Ken
and didn't even ask me.

"I defended,
and then it spiraled.

"We've been getting
counseling support

"visiting Frances and Roger,

though many days it just seems
like it can't work."

[Treya] [voice-over] God,
it'll be almost two years.

With Ken's love, I've managed
treatments pretty well.

What caught us from behind

is the emotional and
psychological devastation.

And I don't think Ken can
endure living only for me

without living for himself.

On top of it all,
since moving to Tahoe,

Ken seems to have caught
some sort of strange bug

no one can identify.

And on top of that,

I can't seem to help
being defensive, even grating,

and Ken's dropped
into depression.

Better news soon,
but always with love, Treya.

[knocking on door]

-Hi.

[both] Hi.

-Thank you for coming.

-Such a pleasure to be here.

I-I-I am a huge fan
of your work.

I can't tell you how much
your books have affected me.

-Great, thanks.
Come on in.

[Tim] [voice-over] So Ken,
what are you working on now?

[Ken] [voice-over]
I haven't really

done any extended
writing for some time.

Just not coming anymore.

That period is over.

-Wow.

What it must be like
to be called

the greatest philosopher
of consciousness since Freud,

and feel it evaporating.

-More fun than a human
should be allowed to have.

[bottles clink]

-The greater the love,
the greater the pain.

The greater the love,
the greater the pain.

The greater the love,
the greater the pain.

"He has no enemies.

He's just intensely disliked
by all his friends."

[cries]

[sniffles] Flatline

It's check out time.

[Ken breathes deeply]

[footsteps]

[newspaper rustling]

[footsteps]

[clears throat]

-Can you do that in
the other room, please?

-I like to read
the paper here.

It's my favorite place for that.
I look forward to it.

[newspaper rustling]

-Look, this is my office.

All three other rooms
are dedicated to your needs.

Including an office.
So, find one.

-No.

[newspaper rustling]

-This is the only thing
I have left for myself.

It's not a lot to ask.

-You know, it's really
aggravating when you're snide.

I'm reading here.

-Get out.

-No!

-What the fuck else can I do!

Get out!

-Get out yourself!

-You goddamn obnoxious bitch!

-Fuck you, Ken. Fuck you!

[groans] Get, get off me!

[Ken]
I don't know what you want!

[Treya] Fuck you!

-I'm leaving.

I'm going to San Francisco.

I hate what we're doing.
You can come or you can--

-Leave.

Ah, just leave.

[somber music]

[sobbing]

[phone ringing]

[Sue] [over answering machine]
Hi, honey, it's Mom.

You know what we think of Ken.
I don't mean that.

We just don't agree
with what he writes.

That's all.

Any man would be
so lucky to have you.

[Vicky] [over answering machine]
Hi, Terry. It's Vicky.

Pick up if you're there.

[Sue] [over answering machine]
So you call me

if you need anything.

I love you.

[sighs deeply]

[answering machine picks up]

[Vicky] [over answering machine]
Hi, Terry. It's Vicki.

Pick up if you're there.

[Sue] [over answering machine]
You call me

if you need anything.

I love you.

[answering machine beeps]

[Vicky] [over answering machine]
Hi, Terry. It's Vicki.

Pick up if you're there.

Ken called.
He's in San Francisco.

He's getting help.

I thought you should know.

I want to be supportive.

You deserve each other, Terry.

[answering machine beeps]

[Sue] [over answering machine]
I know you're listening.

I love you.

-I have to let go...

I have to let go, to hold on.

[sniffles]

My husband.

[somber music]

-My wife.

[exhales]

[envelope ripping]

-"Treya..."

[Ken] [voice-over]
My dearest.

-"My dearest, I am sorry."

[Ken] [voice-over]
I'm sorry.

-"I've searched
a thousand lifetimes

"to find you,
and I can't let you go, I won't.

"Not now, not ever.

"Not in this lifetime,
or any other.

"I love you with all of my soul.

Please come back to me,
my love..."

[Ken] [voice-over]
Please, come back to me.

-My soul.

[Ken] [voice-over] My soul.

-"I'm coming to
get you tomorrow."

[sniffles]
"You and me. Forever.

It's all I know."

It's all I'm gonna do.

[***]

[sniffles]

[phone ringing]

-Hello.

[Edith] Hello, Mr. Wilber.

-Yeah.

[Edith]
My name is Edith Zundel,

from West Germany.

I'm doing a book of interviews
with avant-garde psychologists

and I'd really
like to interview you.

-I appreciate that, Edith,
but I-I don't do interviews.

[Edith] I'm staying
with Frances Vaughan

and Roger Walsh.
I've come a long way

and would really like to
talk with you.

Please.
-[chuckles]

-Here's the thing, Edith.

Most authors end up
appearing as teachers

when they do interviews,
and it's just not me.

[Edith] I can appreciate that,
Mr. Wilber.

I know you've only given
four interviews in 15 years.

Your synthesis of Eastern
and Western psychologies

has had a major impact.

It would just be a few
questions, as a scholar.

All ten of your books have been
hugely popular in Germany.

I even have copies in Japanese.

-Oh, the two peaceful countries.

[Edith]
Frances and Roger

told me about Terry.
I'm very sorry.

-Okay, Edith, come on over
this afternoon.

[Treya] Babe!
[excited fast breaths]

My period returned.

[Ken chuckles]

Maybe I can have your child
after all.

-[whispers] Yes, baby.

-I think Frances and Roger
were right.

It doesn't matter what we say
as... much as how we say it.

[Ken] Hm. Yeah.
Please... clean the car.

Clean the house, and...
see me in the bedroom.

-You can see more of me

walking away to go garden,
mister.

-[whispering]
Chris is the only one here

who works like this.
But she's vastly popular.

-Bill has an inoperable
brain tumor.

I'm working on containing
and shrinking it.

-[whispering]
Bill came here on a gurney

from the hospital last week
with two tumors

which Chris shrank.

But one grew back.

I would love to meet Ken later.

Up From Eden was incredible.
I'm a fan.

-Okay, Bill. Off you go.

I feel the cold spot's gone.
You're good for today.

[Bill] Thanks.

-Treya?

Oh. Hm. Cool here.

Make sure you tell me if you
feel any really cold spots.

-Cool there.

-There's something going on
in the pancreas.

-Oh, I forgot to tell you,
I have diabetes.

-Cancer is caused by a virus...

and that virus
may still be here, hiding,

even though medical doctors
say it's gone.

What I'm doing now
is keeping it from moving.

I had cancer when I was 23.

It led me to all kinds
of doctors and healers.

I was arrested once for healing
a child with leukemia.

Can you imagine that?
Like that's a crime.

It is about raising vibrations.

But it's also mathematical
and totally teachable.

My dream is to go
into a Third World country

and teach others how to heal.

But that's not allowed
in the US.

-Hi, there.

-Ken Wilber.
It's a pleasure.

-Pleasure.

-Do you want to give it a go?
It's perfect timing,

and you'll both know
the method for later.

-Sounds great.

We've been looking forward
to meeting you, Chris.

[Chris] Okay. Okay.

[exhales] Okay.

I feel no coldness anywhere.

You?

-Nope.

-Very interesting.

So, there are ten channels
on each side of the brain.

For most people, two or three
sides are opened up.

Four at the most.

In my brain, all ten channels
on both sides are open to ten.

I mean, this kind of thing
doesn't happen

but every 2,000 years.

The last person before me
was the Buddha.

But, Ken, you are open
on one side of your brain to ten

and the other side is seven.

Oh, my goodness. [laughs]
Holy crap.

I really think
that I can open the seven side

all the way up. All the way.

Okay, tell me if you smell
anything strange.

[Ken] Uh, I smell smoke.

-Good. Good.

-Now I smell mildew.

-[exhales] Oh, man.

[Ken chuckles]

-Both sides are open up to ten.

[Ken laughs]

[Chris] I'm blown away. Wow.
I mean, so much for the theory

that this only happens to
one person every 2,000 years.

I can't believe it.
It's amazing.

[chuckles] Now there are
two people

right here in this room.

[Ken] Oh, my god.

[Chris] Right? [laughing]
It's so crazy.

[Ken and Chris laughing]

[Roger] Cheers to that.

[glasses clinking]

[muted conversation]

-To Terry's
clean bill of health.

Since a removed
port-a-cath means

they think the possibility
of another occurrence is slim.

Another tequila for everyone.
-[Treya chuckles]

-Trey.

-Thank you.

[glasses clinking]
-Thank you.

-Cheers!
-[glasses clinking]

[all] Happy birthday.

[clapping]

[Sue] Oh, we love you.

[Treya] Thank you.

-Make a wish.
You make a wish.

[Sue] Yeah. [clapping]

-"Important voice,"
I think it said.

-I know, it does.
-Mm-hm.

[Treya] [into phone]
Vicky! Uh-huh.

For CSC?

A 25,000-dollar grant!

Oh, Vicky. Oh, Vicky.
Yes. Yes!

Okay, okay.

[phone pings]

All right.
I'll call you back.

Bye. [sighs] Oh.

Eight hundred pages
in a month and a half.

Ken Wilber.

-Must be the new house.

-Yeah, mister... must be.

-She had a bone scan
three months ago?

[Ken] Yeah, it was clear.
So just a high-density CAT scan

to see what might be causing
the slight waviness in her eye.

-Great.

You can wait down the hall.
-[Ken] All right.

[nurse] The doctor should be
with you shortly.

[footsteps]

[doctor] Mr. Wilber?

It looks like there are two
or three tumors in her brain.

One is very large...

perhaps three centimeters.

So we just scanned
her lungs as well.

-Um.

-She has multiple tumors
throughout both lungs...

possibly a dozen altogether.

I'm as shocked by this
as you are.

I think the best thing to do

would be to tell her in my
office tomorrow morning. Please.

[voice echoing] I think
the best thing to do

would be to tell her in my
office tomorrow morning. Please.

I want to have
all the information

ready for her beforehand.

-Yeah. Right. Of course.

[book thuds]

["Nicola" performed by
Stuart Davis]

* We rattle a gateless gate

* And push against
A weightless weight *

* Looking for
A stateless state *

-I don't think it's anything.

I feel clear.

-* Nicola

-It's probably
related to blood sugar.

-* Whatever love creates

-We're gonna have
a great life together, babe.

You don't have to look
so worried.

-Right. No. Of course.
Definitely.

-* And all these twins

* With different faces
- * With different faces

-* Fallen from the womb
- * Fallen from the womb

-* Risen from the tomb
- * Risen from the tomb

-* Carried in perfume
- * Carried in perfume

-* Nicola
- * Nicola

[Ken coughs and pukes]

-* All the ones alive today

[Treya] No. No!
No, no, no.

I don't give a fuck!
Damn it, damn it!

-* Are the ones
That passed away *

-No! It's not fair!
It's not fucking fair!

-* Are the ones on the way

[crying] And I could see it
written on your face.

-* Nicola
-No! Please!

No! No! [sobbing]

I don't understand.

I don't understand.

Please. Please. Please.

Please, No, No, No, No

But I want to have your baby.

Your-- [sniffles] that's all.

Please, please, please.

No.

[cries loudly]

[Ken] However you wanna do it...
whatever you want.

[Treya breathing rapidly,
crying bitterly]

[both] Janker Klinik.

-Is that your choice?

Short-term, high-dose.
Germany.

-So aggressive people

sometimes have to be put
on life support.

But Bob Marley, Yul Brynner,
70 percent remission rate.

I want to go.
I want to try this.

[Ken chuckles]

[gentle piano notes]

-Would you recommend
this particular treatment

for your wife?

-[chuckles]
Never ask a doctor

if he recommends
the treatment for his wife.

You don't know
how they get along!

No, you best ask,

would he recommend this
for his daughter.

-Well, for your daughter?

-[chuckles] We do not do
long-term treatments,

as is common in America.

Now we-we find that it lowers
the quality of life.

We must always remember that--

that surrounding this tumor
is a human being.

And also-- it also
damages the soul.

This is high-dose, short-term.
We knock it out.

Your white blood cell count
will drop.

And then they will rise again
to 1,500.

And then you can
leave the hospital at

[chuckles] at 1,800.
You can take a trip.

And when it's back up to 2,500,
we can begin the next treatment.

[footsteps]

[coin clanks]

[Bob Doty]
It's two Kolsch for five marks.

[beer bottle thuds]

Dr. Scheef installed it.

He drinks 10 or 15 a day.

-Really. Hmm.

-He says it's the only alcohol
that puts more into your system

than it takes out.

-Really?
-Hm.

Dr. Scheef told me
about your books.

He says you're famous.

-Really?

-You know, he's amazing.

There was a German woman,
severe ovarian cancer.

She wanted to
go visit her son in LA,

but she didn't have
money nor a visa.

And I heard Scheef,
he surprised her with both

for a gift
for finishing treatment.

-Really?

-Really.

[chuckles]

[Ken chuckles]

[Ken] [voice-over]
Treya was running the risk

of catching pneumonia,
though she went from 103.6

to just under a hundred
this morning.

And Dr. Scheef thinks
the radiation and sulfamide

are helping. So...

looks like we're starting
a specialized chemo treatment

on Monday.

Treya, still amazing
at every turn.

-Okay. I think
I'm ready for lunch.

[Treya] [voice-over]
Dear loved ones,

I can't thank you enough
for your letters and calls.

It feels wonderful, like
floating in a caressing ocean.

[Roger] [voice-over]
And Ken has been the best

support person.
It's unappreciated,

and yet he's vibrant,
with dedication and humor.

He's half of my soul.

[Treya] [voice-over]
God, I love this man.

He holds my hand,
makes me laugh,

runs errands,
picks out fresh vegetables.

Kati was just here for ten days.

-Wow, she's an amazing listener.

[Treya] [voice-over] Mom and Dad
have been so supportive.

And Ken's parents
who are so loving,

my friends in Colorado,
at the CSC,

my Findhorn friends...
and my sweet Vicky.

-And I have complete faith
in Herr Dr. Professor Scheef

who runs the Janker Klinik.

The drug he's using,
which he developed,

only just got approved
in the US

because it's so potent.

I can't say how much easier
it is though.

-I've moved through a lot.

From intense anger and crying,

to thoughts of death and fears
of what pain may come.

-Then to thoughts of all those
suffering on this planet,

and then I feel
a wave of calmness.

A feeling
of not being alone in it,

and some sort of
greater connection.

-I read an article
in the New York Times yesterday

on a study by Dr. Sandra Levy.

She found that
for the survival rate of women

who had had advanced
breast cancer,

the only psychological factor
that seemed to matter

was sense of joy in life.

That first noble truth:
there is suffering in the world.

To take part in it

feels like I'm engaged on
a special journey,

only taken up by those
who can handle it.

I call it passionate equanimity.

I do all I can, but without
attachment to the results.

Just for the love of it.

[Treya] [voice-over]
Just for the love of it.

-The love of life.

[Treya] [voice-over]
The love of life.

-Hey, Norbert.
Yeah, I'm up in the room.

Am I missing any action
at the front desk?

No, no, um, maybe
just some towels.

Yeah, she's recovering
from the second.

It's a lung infection,

so I've had to stay away
while her counts are low.

Mm-hm.

Yeah, I'm journaling,
you know her.

Yeah, I can't believe it.
It's almost four months.

Listen, uh, I'm going to
go out for a while,

in case she calls. I just,
I just need to get some air.

Yeah, thanks.

-Ken!

No more drinking for you.
You have to be strong.

[Ken] I don't want
to be strong, Norbert.

I want to be weak and spineless
for a while.

[Norbert] Ken.

-Suits me better.

[Norbert] Ken.

[door pulled shut]

[Ken] [voice-over] Men and women
were once whole,

but were torn in two.

Men and women were once whole
but were torn in two,

and the pursuit and desire
of that whole.

And the pursuit and desire
of that whole is called love.

[echoes] Is called love.

[sobbing bitterly]

[song playing in background]

[Ken] I think I had a dream.
I was looking for you.

There was a mountain.

And an ocean.

And millions of stars.

Where were you?

[Treya] Here.

And am I ever glad
you're here too.

You always promised
you'd find me, you know.

[Ken] Maybe we're
in each other's dream.

[whispers] Is that possible?

[Treya] Give me your hand.

-[reading] "Sam, I'm only
updating you because you said

"otherwise you wouldn't
publish my next book

in the event I ever write one."

[Ken] [voice-over] We've
tried all the treatments

sane men have come up with.

None of them have worked,
so we've settled on

the Kelly/Gonzales
enzyme program.

Gonzales runs it now.
He says Kelly went bonkers,

that he's out there talking to
little men from other planets.

Somehow Treya and I found that
strangely reassuring.

The studies
are actually amazing.

The five-year survival rate

for Treya's general type of
metastatic breast cancer

is exactly zero percent.

But in Gonzales' study,
there are already three

five-year plus survivors,
even one over 17 years.

So, it's no fly-by-night clinic,

though we would try those too
if we thought it would help.

Gonzales uses blood analysis

to indicate the extent
of tumor activity,

and before we told him,
he nailed all the same facts

informed of through
conventional medicine.

His test measures
tumor activity in the body

from zero to 50,
with 45 being incurable.

Treya scored a 38.

The disconcerting thing
is that when it's working,

when tumors are being dissolved,
they flare up.

So, Gonzales' tests showing
that Treya is getting better

is interpreted by
the conventional doctors

that Treya is dying.

And Treya, of course,
handles this like a champion.

And Hazel'll be happy to know,
if I don't write another book,

I'll be able to make it
as a care person,

or at least a maid.

Like a couple of kids, somehow,
we're having a ball with it.

[Dr. John] [over phone]
An average CEA,

which indicates the amount
of active cancer in your body,

measures zero to five.

Yours was 7.7 in January.

After your first treatment
in Germany, it was 13,

then 16.7 when you got home.

This read is at 21.

Now, Treya, I'm telling you that
what we're seeing here is real.

I strongly recommend starting
an immediate high-dose chemo

followed by
a bone marrow transplant.

[Treya] Thank you. [sighs]

We're gonna talk it over
and we'll let you know.

[Dr. John] [over phone]
Okay.

[paper rustling]

[phone dial beeping]

[phone ringing]

[Lisa] [over phone]
Dr. Gonzales' office.

[Treya] Hi Lisa.
It's Treya for Dr. Gonzales.

[Lisa] [over phone]
Oh hi, Treya, one moment.

[Treya] Thank you.

[Dr. Gonzales] [over phone]
Hey guys, great news.

Your score dropped
from 38 to 33,

the biggest drop I've ever seen

in only one month
on the program.

Now, some of that drop
may be due to

the anti-estrogens
you're taking,

but I think this is
definitely gonna work.

[John Denver] [singing]
* Nicola

[crowd applauds]

[John Denver] [singing]
* Whatever love will make

* Love erases

* And all these twins

* With different faces

* Fallen from the womb

* Risen from the tomb

* Carried in perfume

* Nicola

[crowd applauds]

[John Denver] Thank you.

I have one more for you called
"I Want To Live,"

but first I'd like to introduce
a dear friend of mine

who's going to share
a few words.

Treya Wilber.

[crowd applauds]

[Treya] Thank you.

[John Denver] Yeah.

-Hello. My name
is Treya Killam Wilber.

Many of you here
have known me as Terry.

I've been involved with
Windstar from the early days.

Five years ago,
in August of '83,

I met and totally fell in love
with Ken Wilber.

I always used to call it
love at first touch.

We were married.

And then, ten days
after our wedding,

I was diagnosed with
stage two breast cancer.

We spent our honeymoon
in the hospital.

Since then,
I've had two recurrences,

and many types of treatment,

both conventional
and alternative.

But in January of this year,

we discovered the cancer
had metastasized,

that it had spread
to my brain and to my lungs.

So, when Tommy asked me to speak
at this event,

I thought, well,
perhaps I can look at

what I've done with my life
since the diagnosis.

I co-founded
the Cancer Support Community

in San Francisco.

I've written
as honestly as I can

about my inner explorations

in a way that many tell me
they've found helpful.

And I plan to publish a book.

Maybe my letters
to many of you will be in it.

But then I realized, oh,
I'd fallen into a familiar trap.

I'm equating success
with achievement.

Learning to make friends
with perhaps painful death

has taught me a great deal

about making friends
with myself as I am,

and a great deal about making
friends with life as it is.

There's an old saying,

it's popular among people
with cancer that goes...

"Life is terminal." [chuckles]

I'm lucky because I've been
given advanced warning

and the time to act
on that warning.

[inhales deeply] Because
I can no longer ignore death,

I pay more attention to life.

[crowd applauds and cheers]

[***]

-Yes, it's true
that if the enzymes

Gonzales has you on
were breaking the tumors down,

they would swell,

and a CAT scan wouldn't
differentiate that.

But you have an average
tumor growth rate

of over 30 percent
in a short period of time.

And because of the growth
of the large brain tumor

and the swelling
of the right brain,

it's pushed
the left side of your brain

just a bit out of place.

So this is what accounts
for some of your symptoms,

the headaches, the fullness,
disorientation.

-That's why the pain
in the back of my eyes

goes away when I sleep
with my head raised.

-Yes. Now, look.

I am familiar with
Gonzalez's program

and I don't mean to alarm you,

but I do want you
to hear it straight.

Despite what
his radiologist says,

this is not
an inflammatory reaction

brought on by tumor necrosis.

-If your understanding
of this is accurate, though,

chemo doesn't offer
a solution either, correct?

-Likely not.

Though there are other drugs
you can try with it.

-I'm not afraid of dying,
but I am afraid of pain.

-Let me assure you,
we can handle that.

I promise you that won't happen.

[Treya breathes deeply]

-Otherwise, you okay?

-Yes.

When I die,
I'll just dissolve back.

That's not frightening.

-You know, I have never
had a patient like you.

May I tell you that?

-Thank you.

[thunder rumbling]

[somber music]

[thunder rumbling]

-Hi, babe.

-Hey, lover.

I was looking for you
in my dream.

-I was looking for you
in this house.

[Treya chuckles]

-I was dreaming about you too.

[thunder rumbling]

-I can barely feel it,

but it's cold, huh?

[Ken] Does this answer that?

[Treya chuckles]

-Let's get back to bed.

[breathing deeply]

Can you carry me?

-Of course.

[thunder rumbling]

[Ken] [voice-over] "Moreover,
much as you may wander,

"you must return
ultimately to the Self,

"so why not abide
in the Self here and now.

Grace is there all along."

[***]

[Treya] I'm going.

-Okay.

-Wait. Wait. Sweetheart...

I want to write something
in my journal.

[breathing rapidly]

Do you understand?

-I think so.

Come on, gorgeous.

Let me take my girl to our room.

[Treya breathing deeply]

-I'm going.
I can't believe it.

I'm going.

I'm so happy. I'm so happy.
I'm so happy.

I'm so happy.
I'm so happy.

[breathing deeply]

But I don't want to leave you.

[cries]

I love you so much.

I can't leave you.

[crying] I love you so much.

[crying]

[Ken] Honey.

-I love you so much.

-Honey, if it's time to go,
then it's time to go.

Don't worry, I'll find you.

I found you before.

I promise I'll find you again.

-You promise you'll find me?

-I promise.

I promise.

-Forever and forever?

-Forever and forever.

-Then I can go.

I can't believe it.

I'm so happy.

[breathing deeply]

This has been so much harder
than I thought.

[crying]

It's been so hard.

Oh honey, it's been so hard.

-I know, sweetheart. I know.

[Treya breathing deeply]

-You promise you'll be there?

-I promise you I'll be there.

[cries]

-You're the greatest man
I've ever known.

My champion.

My champion.

[Ken] [whispers]
I'll find you.

[breathing deeply]

[sniffles] You're the only...

I'll find you, honey.
[sniffles]

I will...

[crying]

[somber music]

[***]

[Treya] [voice-over]
You promise?

[Ken] [voice-over]
I promise.

[***]

-My name is
Treya Killam Wilber.

A lot of you've known me
in the past as Terry.

I've been involved with
Windstar from the early days.

Five years ago this same month,
in August of '83,

I met and totally fell in love
with Ken Wilber.

I always called it
love at first touch.

We were married less than
four months later.

But ten days after our wedding,

I was diagnosed with
stage two breast cancer.

We spent our honeymoon
in the hospital.

I've...I've had
two local recurrences

and a number of treatments,

both conventional
and alternative,

in the intervening years.

But just this January,

we discovered that the cancer
had metastasized,

that it had spread
to my brain and to my lungs.

The doctors we've consulted
have said

I have two to four years
to live.

Because I could
no longer ignore death,

I pay more attention to life.

[Ken] [voice-over] In the years
after Treya passed,

I began slowly working my way
back into the world.

I began writing again,
starting with Grace and Grit ,

which I had promised her
I would write.

Usually, my books
are dedicated to a person

important in my life.

But the next ten books I wrote
over the next ten years

had no dedications at all

because each of them
were dedicated to her

in simple, ongoing
gratefulness.

Those years with Treya
are etched into my soul

and somehow,
our love lives on.

["Nicola" performed by
Stuart Davis]

* We rattle a gateless gate

* And push against
A weightless weight *

* Looking for
A stateless state *

* Nicola

* Whatever love will make

* Love erases

* And all these twins

* With different faces

* Fallen from the womb

* Risen from the tomb

* Carried in perfume

* Nicola

* Ooohh

* Ooohh

* All the ones alive today

* Are the ones
That passed away *

* Are the ones
Who're on their way *

* Nicola

* Whatever love will take

* Love replaces

* And all these twins

* With different faces

* Fallen from the womb

* Risen from the tomb

* Carried in perfume

* Nicola

* Ooohh

* Ooohh

[music fades out]