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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:03,604 --> 00:00:04,814 >> LaFonda: COMING UP ON 2 00:00:04,805 --> 00:00:06,205 "NEWSREADERS," LIBYA AND 3 00:00:06,207 --> 00:00:07,507 LEBANON -- CAN YOU TELL THE 4 00:00:07,508 --> 00:00:08,238 DIFFERENCE? 5 00:00:08,242 --> 00:00:10,682 ONE YOUNG BOY CLAIMS HE CAN. 6 00:00:11,079 --> 00:00:12,609 ALSO, ROLLED-UP HAM AND CHEESE, 7 00:00:12,613 --> 00:00:14,223 A COUPLE OF PICKLES, AND AN 8 00:00:14,215 --> 00:00:15,715 AMBIEN -- IT'S CALLED "TANCH," 9 00:00:15,716 --> 00:00:17,486 AND IT'S THE NEW MEAL EVERYONE'S 10 00:00:17,485 --> 00:00:19,085 EATING BETWEEN MIDNIGHT AND 11 00:00:19,087 --> 00:00:19,817 2:00 A.M. 12 00:00:19,820 --> 00:00:21,790 ALSO, HUMANZEES -- MORE 13 00:00:21,789 --> 00:00:23,719 DANGEROUS THAN ORANGU-HUMANS? 14 00:00:23,724 --> 00:00:25,364 [ Australian accent ] ALL THAT 15 00:00:25,359 --> 00:00:26,629 AND MORE TONIGHT ON 16 00:00:26,627 --> 00:00:28,657 "REEF RUNNERS." 17 00:00:38,106 --> 00:00:40,366 AIR TRAVEL -- IT REALLY SUCKS, 18 00:00:40,374 --> 00:00:41,684 BUT IT DIDN'T USED TO. 19 00:00:41,675 --> 00:00:43,335 TO UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH AIR 20 00:00:43,344 --> 00:00:44,654 TRAVEL HAS CHANGED, WE 21 00:00:44,645 --> 00:00:46,475 SENT VETERAN WAR CORRESPONDENT 22 00:00:46,480 --> 00:00:48,320 SKIP REMING, WHO HAS NOT FLOWN 23 00:00:48,316 --> 00:00:49,716 FOR 35 YEARS, ON THE MOST 24 00:00:49,717 --> 00:00:51,547 TERRIFYING MISSION OF HIS LONG 25 00:00:51,552 --> 00:00:55,392 CAREER -- TO BOOK A FLIGHT. 26 00:00:55,389 --> 00:00:58,559 >> OURS IS A MOBILE CULTURE. 27 00:00:58,559 --> 00:00:59,759 IT'S ALMOST AS IF THE AMERICAN 28 00:00:59,760 --> 00:01:01,400 PUBLIC HAD WINGS. 29 00:01:01,595 --> 00:01:03,325 THESE DAYS, THE ONLY AMERICANS 30 00:01:03,331 --> 00:01:04,901 WHO DON'T FLY ARE THE ONES WHO 31 00:01:04,898 --> 00:01:06,528 SPENT THE FIRST FIVE CLICKS 32 00:01:06,534 --> 00:01:08,274 OUTSIDE SAIGON CLINGING TO THE 33 00:01:08,269 --> 00:01:09,899 TAIL OF AN EMBASSY CHOPPER. 34 00:01:09,903 --> 00:01:11,843 I COULD INTRODUCE YOU TO THAT 35 00:01:11,839 --> 00:01:12,439 GUY. 36 00:01:12,440 --> 00:01:14,380 WE'RE VERY CLOSE -- LIKE 37 00:01:14,375 --> 00:01:16,375 BROTHERS WHO WERE THEIR PARENTS' 38 00:01:16,377 --> 00:01:18,277 ONLY KID. 39 00:01:18,279 --> 00:01:19,409 HE'S ME. 40 00:01:19,413 --> 00:01:21,253 FLYING WASN'T ALWAYS A CHORE. 41 00:01:21,249 --> 00:01:23,319 IT USED TO BE A CHANCE TO RELAX, 42 00:01:23,317 --> 00:01:25,317 UNWIND, AND FINGER A STEWARDESS 43 00:01:25,319 --> 00:01:25,849 OR TWO. 44 00:01:25,853 --> 00:01:27,563 YOU COULD BRING YOUR LUCKY BOWIE 45 00:01:27,555 --> 00:01:29,185 KNIFE ABOARD AND JOIN THE PILOT 46 00:01:29,190 --> 00:01:30,690 IN THE COCKPIT FOR A MARTINI AND 47 00:01:30,691 --> 00:01:32,291 SOME HELEN KELLER JOKES. 48 00:01:32,293 --> 00:01:33,733 AND IT'S CHANGED BECAUSE OF ALL 49 00:01:33,727 --> 00:01:34,757 THE NEW REGULATIONS. 50 00:01:34,762 --> 00:01:36,802 THESE DAYS, THANKS TO THE TSA, 51 00:01:36,797 --> 00:01:38,327 AIRPORTS HAVE MORE RULES THAN A 52 00:01:38,332 --> 00:01:39,772 HOOKER WHO DOESN'T KISS. 53 00:01:40,168 --> 00:01:41,198 I SAT DOWN WITH 54 00:01:41,202 --> 00:01:42,942 DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY 55 00:01:42,936 --> 00:01:44,706 SPOKESPERSON RED KOZIOSCKO. 56 00:01:44,705 --> 00:01:45,735 RED WAS IN THE GAME WHEN ORVILLE 57 00:01:45,739 --> 00:01:46,739 AND WILBUR WRIGHT WERE STILL IN 58 00:01:46,740 --> 00:01:47,810 SHORT PANTS. 59 00:01:48,209 --> 00:01:49,439 I WROTE THAT. 60 00:01:49,443 --> 00:01:50,883 WELL, RED, YOU SEEM LIKE A GOOD 61 00:01:50,878 --> 00:01:52,948 EGG, BUT A LOT OF AMERICANS ARE 62 00:01:52,946 --> 00:01:54,576 SAYING NASTY THINGS ABOUT YOUR 63 00:01:54,582 --> 00:01:55,952 HENHOUSE. 64 00:01:55,949 --> 00:01:57,289 I WROTE THAT. 65 00:01:57,285 --> 00:01:59,445 "UNTRAINED AGENTS, INVASIVE 66 00:01:59,453 --> 00:02:01,663 SCREENING PROCEDURES, RACIAL 67 00:02:01,655 --> 00:02:02,685 PROFILING"... 68 00:02:02,690 --> 00:02:03,690 WHAT'S THAT ONE -- RACIAL 69 00:02:03,691 --> 00:02:04,891 PROFILING? 70 00:02:04,892 --> 00:02:05,892 YOU MEAN LIKE BUDDY HACKETT 71 00:02:05,893 --> 00:02:08,233 SAYING, "CHINAMEN CAN'T DRIVE"? 72 00:02:08,229 --> 00:02:09,259 >> [ CHUCKLES ] 73 00:02:09,263 --> 00:02:10,303 >> [ CHUCKLES ] 74 00:02:10,298 --> 00:02:11,328 >> NOT EXACTLY. 75 00:02:11,332 --> 00:02:13,202 IT'S UNFAIRLY SINGLING SOMEONE 76 00:02:13,201 --> 00:02:14,371 OUT BASED ON RACE. 77 00:02:14,368 --> 00:02:15,898 >> SO, SINGLING SOMEONE OUT 78 00:02:15,903 --> 00:02:17,543 FAIRLY IS OKAY? 79 00:02:17,538 --> 00:02:18,668 LIKE CHINAMEN? 80 00:02:18,672 --> 00:02:19,942 THEY CAN'T DRIVE. 81 00:02:19,940 --> 00:02:21,210 >> [ CHUCKLES ] 82 00:02:21,209 --> 00:02:22,339 CLASSIC HACKETT. 83 00:02:22,343 --> 00:02:23,413 >> OH, GIVE ME THE 84 00:02:23,411 --> 00:02:24,581 BACK BAY BOYS AND THE 85 00:02:24,578 --> 00:02:25,908 BY GUM RUMMY BROTHERS AND 86 00:02:25,913 --> 00:02:27,223 JACK BENNY ANY DAY. 87 00:02:27,215 --> 00:02:27,615 >> MM. 88 00:02:27,615 --> 00:02:28,315 >> YEAH. 89 00:02:28,316 --> 00:02:30,476 [ As Jack Benny ] OH, ROCHESTER! 90 00:02:30,484 --> 00:02:31,624 >> SIMPLER TIMES. 91 00:02:31,619 --> 00:02:33,449 >> OH, BENNY WAS A SISSY, AND 92 00:02:33,454 --> 00:02:34,894 ROCHESTER WAS HIS NEGRO. 93 00:02:34,888 --> 00:02:36,358 END OF STORY. 94 00:02:36,357 --> 00:02:37,857 BUT TO REALLY SEE HOW BAD AIR 95 00:02:37,858 --> 00:02:39,628 TRAVEL HAD BECOME, I'D HAVE TO 96 00:02:39,627 --> 00:02:40,657 BOOK A TICKET. 97 00:02:40,661 --> 00:02:42,301 I SETTLED ON EGYPT. 98 00:02:42,296 --> 00:02:43,756 >> SKIP, I HAVE TO STRONGLY 99 00:02:43,764 --> 00:02:45,534 ADVISE AGAINST VISITING EGYPT. 100 00:02:45,533 --> 00:02:47,303 THAT COUNTRY HAS CHANGED A LOT 101 00:02:47,301 --> 00:02:47,971 SINCE THE -- 102 00:02:47,968 --> 00:02:48,968 >> LISTEN, RED. 103 00:02:48,969 --> 00:02:51,309 IN WWII, I WAS STATIONED ON AN 104 00:02:51,305 --> 00:02:53,505 ICE-CREAM BOAT OFF THE COAST OF 105 00:02:53,507 --> 00:02:55,307 HAMAMATSU, JAPAN, WITH A 106 00:02:55,309 --> 00:02:57,749 MIDSHIPMAN NAMED ANDREW VAJDA, A 107 00:02:57,745 --> 00:02:58,875 JERSEY GUY. 108 00:02:58,879 --> 00:03:00,579 AND EVERY NIGHT, WE USED TO TAKE 109 00:03:00,581 --> 00:03:01,981 A CRUISING YAWL TO THE BEACH, 110 00:03:01,982 --> 00:03:04,492 AND WE'D BEAT UP ON SOME JAPS 111 00:03:04,485 --> 00:03:05,385 JUST FOR FUN. 112 00:03:05,386 --> 00:03:06,886 I PICKED UP SOME KARATE, AND 113 00:03:06,887 --> 00:03:08,587 THEY PICKED UP SOME FISTS IN 114 00:03:08,589 --> 00:03:09,489 THEIR NOSES. 115 00:03:09,490 --> 00:03:11,260 TURNS OUT ONE OF THEM INVENTED 116 00:03:11,259 --> 00:03:12,589 JUDO. 117 00:03:12,593 --> 00:03:13,463 [ CHUCKLES ] 118 00:03:13,461 --> 00:03:14,501 >> LOOK, I'M NOT SAYING YOU 119 00:03:14,495 --> 00:03:15,625 CAN'T HANDLE YOURSELF, SKIPPER. 120 00:03:15,629 --> 00:03:16,729 I'M JUST SAYING, "WHY NOT" -- 121 00:03:16,730 --> 00:03:17,430 >> RED, BUDDY. 122 00:03:17,431 --> 00:03:18,471 YOU'RE NOT LISTENING TO ME. 123 00:03:18,466 --> 00:03:21,596 I PRACTICALLY INVENTED JUDO. 124 00:03:21,602 --> 00:03:22,742 COME ON. I'LL SHOW YA. 125 00:03:22,736 --> 00:03:24,366 >> I THROW MY BACK OUT TOWELING 126 00:03:24,372 --> 00:03:25,412 OFF AFTER A SHOWER. 127 00:03:25,406 --> 00:03:25,936 I CAN'T -- 128 00:03:25,939 --> 00:03:26,739 >> AW, HELL. 129 00:03:26,740 --> 00:03:28,410 I THROW MY BACK OUT SO MUCH, I'M 130 00:03:28,409 --> 00:03:29,579 STARTING TO LIKE IT. 131 00:03:29,577 --> 00:03:31,037 WHERE'D YOU HURT YOUR BACK? 132 00:03:31,044 --> 00:03:33,714 IN THE FIRST "GULF WAR"? 133 00:03:33,714 --> 00:03:34,384 >> KOREA. 134 00:03:34,382 --> 00:03:34,852 >> KOREA? 135 00:03:34,848 --> 00:03:36,478 DID THEY HAVE A MEN'S DEPARTMENT 136 00:03:36,484 --> 00:03:38,324 WHERE YOU GOT THAT CONFLICT? 137 00:03:38,319 --> 00:03:39,049 >> CONFLICT? 138 00:03:39,052 --> 00:03:40,292 >> [ CHUCKLES ] 139 00:03:40,288 --> 00:03:41,688 >> OKAY, NAVY BOY! 140 00:03:41,689 --> 00:03:43,789 >> IT'S SHOW TIME! 141 00:03:43,791 --> 00:03:45,731 >> AAH! OH! 142 00:03:45,726 --> 00:03:48,656 [ BOTH GRUNTING ] 143 00:03:48,662 --> 00:03:49,432 AAAAAAH! 144 00:03:49,430 --> 00:03:51,830 >> [ YELLING INDISTINCTLY ] 145 00:03:51,832 --> 00:03:53,732 AFTER I VACUUMED THE FLOOR WITH 146 00:03:53,734 --> 00:03:55,644 THIS GUY, I CRACKED MY KNUCKLES 147 00:03:55,636 --> 00:03:57,406 AND HEADED OUT TO THE AIRPORT. 148 00:03:57,405 --> 00:03:58,905 MY BAGS WERE PACKED, MY TICKETS 149 00:03:58,906 --> 00:04:00,566 TO EGYPT SECURE, AND MY GAL AT 150 00:04:00,574 --> 00:04:01,914 THE OFFICE GAVE ME MY PILL 151 00:04:01,909 --> 00:04:02,639 CALENDAR. 152 00:04:02,643 --> 00:04:04,413 EH, JUST KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF IT, 153 00:04:04,412 --> 00:04:04,782 BOZO. 154 00:04:04,778 --> 00:04:05,478 I GOT IT. 155 00:04:05,479 --> 00:04:06,979 HEY, MY BUICK'S OUT THERE ON THE 156 00:04:06,980 --> 00:04:07,520 CURB. 157 00:04:07,515 --> 00:04:08,375 [ COIN FLIPS ] 158 00:04:08,382 --> 00:04:09,422 WASH HER UP FOR ME. 159 00:04:09,417 --> 00:04:10,917 I'LL BE BACK WHEN I'M BACK. 160 00:04:10,918 --> 00:04:12,588 IT DIDN'T TAKE LONG TO REALIZE 161 00:04:12,586 --> 00:04:14,316 WHAT ALL THE WHINING WAS ABOUT. 162 00:04:14,322 --> 00:04:15,322 >> PHOTO I.D. 163 00:04:15,323 --> 00:04:18,493 >> IT'S OKAY. I'M SKIP REMING. 164 00:04:18,492 --> 00:04:19,562 >> I NEED TO SEE A 165 00:04:19,560 --> 00:04:21,030 GOVERNMENT-ISSUED PHOTO I.D. 166 00:04:21,028 --> 00:04:22,358 >> YOU WANT AN I.D.?! 167 00:04:22,363 --> 00:04:23,603 HOW ABOUT THAT?! 168 00:04:23,597 --> 00:04:24,827 >> WE'RE NO LONGER TAKING 169 00:04:24,832 --> 00:04:25,572 BILLBOARDS. 170 00:04:25,566 --> 00:04:27,866 >> TIME TO FACE THE TSA HEAD-ON. 171 00:04:27,868 --> 00:04:29,038 I WROTE THAT. 172 00:04:29,036 --> 00:04:30,996 I HAVE NEVER TAKEN OFF MY SHOES 173 00:04:31,004 --> 00:04:32,644 AT A GENTLEMAN'S REQUEST IN MY 174 00:04:32,640 --> 00:04:33,010 LIFE. 175 00:04:33,006 --> 00:04:37,036 I'M NOT GONNA START NOW. 176 00:04:37,044 --> 00:04:38,514 >> OKAY. 177 00:04:38,512 --> 00:04:39,482 [ METAL DETECTOR BEEPS ] 178 00:04:39,480 --> 00:04:39,850 OH, SIR. 179 00:04:39,847 --> 00:04:41,077 ONE SECOND, SIR. 180 00:04:41,081 --> 00:04:42,551 >> SIR, ARE YOU SURE THERE'S NO 181 00:04:42,550 --> 00:04:43,420 MORE METAL ON YOU? 182 00:04:43,417 --> 00:04:44,947 >> I FORGOT. 183 00:04:44,952 --> 00:04:46,552 >> WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! SIR! 184 00:04:46,554 --> 00:04:48,364 PUT THE WEAPON ON THE BELT NOW! 185 00:04:48,356 --> 00:04:49,956 >> HUNTER THOMPSON GAVE ME THIS 186 00:04:49,957 --> 00:04:50,687 GUN. 187 00:04:50,691 --> 00:04:51,991 YOU'LL HAVE TO PRY IT FROM MY 188 00:04:51,992 --> 00:04:52,932 COLD, DEAD, FING-- 189 00:04:52,926 --> 00:04:53,626 [ GRUNTS ] 190 00:04:53,627 --> 00:04:56,357 AW, ALL RIGHT. 191 00:04:56,364 --> 00:04:56,904 [ SIGHS ] 192 00:04:56,897 --> 00:04:58,067 >> OKAY, WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO 193 00:04:58,065 --> 00:04:58,795 OPEN THIS UP. 194 00:04:58,799 --> 00:04:59,129 >> NO. 195 00:04:59,132 --> 00:04:59,872 THAT'S MY WIFE. 196 00:04:59,867 --> 00:05:01,097 GET YOUR HANDS OFF THAT, YOU JAP 197 00:05:01,101 --> 00:05:01,841 SON OF A BITCH! 198 00:05:01,835 --> 00:05:02,365 >> SIR. 199 00:05:02,370 --> 00:05:03,370 >> COME ON! 200 00:05:03,371 --> 00:05:04,371 GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME, 201 00:05:04,372 --> 00:05:04,742 COPPERS! 202 00:05:04,738 --> 00:05:06,768 JUDO! JUDO! 203 00:05:06,774 --> 00:05:08,614 COME ON! COME ON! 204 00:05:08,609 --> 00:05:12,049 >> LaFonda: [ CHUCKLES ] 205 00:05:12,045 --> 00:05:13,145 THANKS, SKIP. 206 00:05:13,146 --> 00:05:15,446 LATER ON IN OUR PROGRAM, THE 207 00:05:15,449 --> 00:05:16,549 CREDITS. 208 00:05:16,550 --> 00:05:18,720 AND...ANGELS. 209 00:05:18,719 --> 00:05:20,589 NEARLY 8 IN 10 AMERICANS BELIEVE 210 00:05:20,588 --> 00:05:21,048 IN THEM. 211 00:05:21,054 --> 00:05:22,664 WE'LL TELL YOU HOW TO USE THEIR 212 00:05:22,656 --> 00:05:23,986 GULLIBILITY TO YOUR FINANCIAL 213 00:05:23,991 --> 00:05:25,161 ADVANTAGE. 214 00:05:25,158 --> 00:05:27,058 BUT FIRST, WHAT ABOUT THE ANGELS 215 00:05:27,060 --> 00:05:28,830 WE HAVE RIGHT HERE ON EARTH? 216 00:05:28,829 --> 00:05:30,399 THEY'RE CALLED ROBOTS. 217 00:05:30,598 --> 00:05:31,998 THEY CLEAN OUR POOLS, BUILD OUR 218 00:05:31,999 --> 00:05:33,999 CARS, AND EVEN BOMB COUNTRIES 219 00:05:34,001 --> 00:05:35,071 WE'RE MAD AT. 220 00:05:35,068 --> 00:05:37,168 AND IN THE LATEST BREAKTHROUGH, 221 00:05:37,170 --> 00:05:39,010 ROBOTS ARE TREATING THE SICK? 222 00:05:39,006 --> 00:05:39,906 [ CHUCKLES ] 223 00:05:39,907 --> 00:05:41,537 HERE TO TAKE US INSIDE THIS 224 00:05:41,542 --> 00:05:43,412 CUTTING-EDGE MEDICAL TECHNOLOGY, 225 00:05:43,411 --> 00:05:45,011 AND TO ATTRACT YOUNGER VIEWERS, 226 00:05:45,012 --> 00:05:46,152 IS XANDRA DENT WITH 227 00:05:46,146 --> 00:05:47,846 "XANDRA'S TECHZINE." 228 00:05:47,848 --> 00:05:50,418 [ TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS ] 229 00:05:54,988 --> 00:05:56,618 >> THINK OF YOUR FAVORITE ROBOT. 230 00:05:56,624 --> 00:05:57,834 MINE'S VOLTRON. 231 00:05:57,825 --> 00:05:58,985 NOW, WHAT IF VOLTRON WERE HERE 232 00:05:58,992 --> 00:06:00,192 IN THIS HOSPITAL HELPING YOU GET 233 00:06:00,193 --> 00:06:01,033 HEALTHY? 234 00:06:01,028 --> 00:06:03,158 THAT'S THE IDEA BEHIND MED-X. 235 00:06:03,163 --> 00:06:04,803 MED-X COULD BE EPIC. 236 00:06:04,798 --> 00:06:06,168 RADFORD BRIST CREATED THIS 237 00:06:06,166 --> 00:06:07,836 AWESOME ROBOT THAT CONSTANTLY 238 00:06:07,835 --> 00:06:09,635 MONITORS AND DIAGNOSES PATIENTS. 239 00:06:09,637 --> 00:06:10,937 HE SAYS IT COULD TOTALLY REBOOT 240 00:06:10,938 --> 00:06:11,608 HEALTHCARE. 241 00:06:11,605 --> 00:06:12,805 >> MED-X CAN TAKE YOUR BLOOD 242 00:06:12,806 --> 00:06:14,706 PRESSURE, PERFORM AN X-RAY, 243 00:06:14,708 --> 00:06:16,638 ADMINISTER AN I.V., DIALYSIS 244 00:06:16,644 --> 00:06:18,154 TREATMENT, COLONOSCOPY. 245 00:06:18,145 --> 00:06:18,945 IT CAN EVEN DO -- 246 00:06:18,946 --> 00:06:20,076 >> LET'S DO THAT. 247 00:06:20,080 --> 00:06:20,750 >> WHICH? 248 00:06:20,748 --> 00:06:22,018 >> COLONOSCOPY. 249 00:06:22,015 --> 00:06:23,945 >> OKAY. 250 00:06:24,952 --> 00:06:26,592 >> SOUNDS PRETTY KICK-ASS. 251 00:06:26,587 --> 00:06:28,157 BUT SOME MIGHT SAY THAT IT IS 252 00:06:28,155 --> 00:06:30,485 "ASS-KICKING," AS IN THEIRS. 253 00:06:30,491 --> 00:06:31,761 THESE CRITICS BELIEVE THAT MED-X 254 00:06:31,759 --> 00:06:32,659 IS NOT BOSS. 255 00:06:32,660 --> 00:06:34,500 THEY THINK THIS TECHNOLOGY IS, 256 00:06:34,495 --> 00:06:35,755 IN FACT, REDANKY. 257 00:06:35,963 --> 00:06:37,233 SO, WHY ARE YOU SO, LIKE, 258 00:06:37,230 --> 00:06:38,670 BUTT-HURT OVER THIS ROBOT? 259 00:06:38,666 --> 00:06:41,196 >> NO MACHINE CAN DO WHAT I CAN 260 00:06:41,201 --> 00:06:41,801 DO. 261 00:06:41,802 --> 00:06:43,072 >> DR. HUGH BOWMAN IS CHIEF 262 00:06:43,070 --> 00:06:44,670 INTERNIST AT SAN JOSE REGIONAL 263 00:06:44,672 --> 00:06:46,142 HOSPITAL, WHERE HE'S WIDELY 264 00:06:46,139 --> 00:06:47,979 RECOGNIZED AS BOTH BRILLIANT AND 265 00:06:47,975 --> 00:06:48,805 AN ASSHOLE. 266 00:06:48,809 --> 00:06:49,609 [ FLATLINE ] 267 00:06:49,610 --> 00:06:50,880 >> LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING 268 00:06:50,878 --> 00:06:52,178 THAT AN ALGORITHM CAN'T TEACH 269 00:06:52,179 --> 00:06:53,879 YOU -- HOW TO LOOK A PATIENT IN 270 00:06:53,881 --> 00:06:55,521 THE EYE AND TELL THEM THEY'RE 271 00:06:55,516 --> 00:06:56,146 GOING TO DIE. 272 00:06:56,149 --> 00:06:57,589 I DO THAT FIVE TIMES A DAY, AND 273 00:06:57,585 --> 00:06:58,815 I'LL BE DAMNED IF I'M GONNA LET 274 00:06:58,819 --> 00:07:00,149 A BOX OF WIRES -- 275 00:07:00,153 --> 00:07:01,093 >> [ BEEPING ] 276 00:07:01,088 --> 00:07:02,658 >> "RISING LEVELS OF STRESS AND 277 00:07:02,656 --> 00:07:03,586 ANXIETY DETECTED? 278 00:07:03,591 --> 00:07:05,261 RECOMMENDATION -- DECREASE 279 00:07:05,258 --> 00:07:07,858 STIMULANTS"? 280 00:07:08,061 --> 00:07:09,261 "DECREASE" MEANS, LIKE, "LESS." 281 00:07:09,262 --> 00:07:10,702 >> DON'T TELL ME WHAT WORDS 282 00:07:10,698 --> 00:07:11,128 MEAN. 283 00:07:11,131 --> 00:07:12,531 >> YOU SEE, MED-X IS LIKE THE 284 00:07:12,533 --> 00:07:13,903 SUPERHERO DAREDEVIL. 285 00:07:13,901 --> 00:07:15,701 HE WAS BLIND, BUT HIS OTHER 286 00:07:15,703 --> 00:07:17,573 SENSES WERE SO ACUTE, HE COULD 287 00:07:17,571 --> 00:07:19,241 ACTUALLY "SEE" BETTER THAN WE 288 00:07:19,239 --> 00:07:19,909 CAN. 289 00:07:19,907 --> 00:07:21,107 >> I ACTUALLY DRESSED UP AS 290 00:07:21,108 --> 00:07:22,108 "HOT DAREDEVIL" FOR HALLOWEEN. 291 00:07:22,109 --> 00:07:23,039 >> THIS IS SO AWESOME. 292 00:07:23,043 --> 00:07:24,013 I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M ON 293 00:07:24,011 --> 00:07:24,781 "XANDRA POINT OH." 294 00:07:24,778 --> 00:07:25,878 >> IT'S ACTUALLY NOW CALLED 295 00:07:25,879 --> 00:07:27,519 "CIRCUITZ," WITH A "Z." 296 00:07:27,515 --> 00:07:31,175 [ TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS ] 297 00:07:31,184 --> 00:07:32,924 SO, THE ROBOT -- DOES IT HAVE 298 00:07:32,920 --> 00:07:33,620 SENSES? 299 00:07:33,621 --> 00:07:35,161 CAN IT, LIKE, SEE MY HAIR AND 300 00:07:35,155 --> 00:07:36,185 HOW CUTE I LOOK? 301 00:07:36,189 --> 00:07:37,589 >> WELL, IT MAY NOT BE ABLE TO 302 00:07:37,591 --> 00:07:39,091 "SEE" LIKE WE CAN, BUT ITS 303 00:07:39,092 --> 00:07:41,032 INSTRUMENTS CAN GATHER DATA FROM 304 00:07:41,028 --> 00:07:41,758 THE ENVIRONMENT. 305 00:07:41,762 --> 00:07:43,032 >> COULD IT BECOME SMARTER THAN 306 00:07:43,030 --> 00:07:43,630 HUMANS? 307 00:07:43,631 --> 00:07:44,831 >> I WOULDN'T GO THAT FAR. 308 00:07:44,832 --> 00:07:46,002 >> COULD IT GET THE OTHER 309 00:07:45,999 --> 00:07:47,539 MACHINES TO TURN AGAINST US? 310 00:07:47,535 --> 00:07:48,065 >> I-I DON'T KNOW. 311 00:07:48,068 --> 00:07:48,968 WELL, WHAT DO YOU MEAN? 312 00:07:48,969 --> 00:07:50,039 >> YOU KNOW, BY, LIKE, LOCKING 313 00:07:50,037 --> 00:07:51,067 DOORS, PUMPING OXYGEN OUT OF 314 00:07:51,071 --> 00:07:52,641 ROOMS, UM, CAUSING ELEVATORS TO 315 00:07:52,640 --> 00:07:52,970 FALL. 316 00:07:52,973 --> 00:07:53,973 THAT SORT OF THING. 317 00:07:53,974 --> 00:07:54,944 >> THAT'S, LIKE, MOVIE STUFF. 318 00:07:54,942 --> 00:07:55,712 THAT WOULDN'T HAPPEN. 319 00:07:55,709 --> 00:07:56,609 >> I MEAN, THE MACHINE WAS 320 00:07:56,610 --> 00:07:57,980 DESIGNED TO ELIMINATE DISEASE. 321 00:07:57,978 --> 00:07:59,148 WHAT IF IT BEGINS TO SEE 322 00:07:59,146 --> 00:08:00,746 HUMANITY ITSELF AS A DISEASE -- 323 00:08:00,748 --> 00:08:01,918 AS A CANCER THAT MUST BE 324 00:08:01,915 --> 00:08:02,315 DESTROYED? 325 00:08:02,315 --> 00:08:03,575 I MEAN, IF "THE MATRIX" HAS 326 00:08:03,584 --> 00:08:04,594 TAUGHT US ANYTHING -- THE 327 00:08:04,585 --> 00:08:04,985 ORIGINAL. 328 00:08:04,985 --> 00:08:05,945 THE SEQUELS WERE TOTALLY 329 00:08:05,953 --> 00:08:07,293 JAR-JAR -- IT'S THAT ALL IT 330 00:08:07,287 --> 00:08:09,017 TAKES FOR MACHINES TO RISE UP IS 331 00:08:09,022 --> 00:08:10,762 ONE TINY GLITCH IN THE SOFTWARE, 332 00:08:10,758 --> 00:08:11,928 AND THEN... 333 00:08:11,925 --> 00:08:16,325 [ IMITATES EXPLOSIONS ] 334 00:08:16,329 --> 00:08:17,329 PSSH! 335 00:08:17,330 --> 00:08:19,570 [ CHUCKLES ] 336 00:08:19,567 --> 00:08:19,897 >> WOW. 337 00:08:19,900 --> 00:08:22,100 I GOT TO GET TO THE HOSPITAL. 338 00:08:22,102 --> 00:08:23,702 COME ON! 339 00:08:27,240 --> 00:08:28,580 >> IF WE DON'T SHUT THE MACHINES 340 00:08:28,576 --> 00:08:29,706 DOWN, MED-X WILL KILL EVERYONE! 341 00:08:29,710 --> 00:08:31,240 >> SHUT ALL THE MACHINES DOWN! 342 00:08:31,244 --> 00:08:32,354 GET OUT OF THE WAY! 343 00:08:32,345 --> 00:08:33,245 SHUT IT DOWN! 344 00:08:33,246 --> 00:08:34,106 SHUT IT DOWN! 345 00:08:34,114 --> 00:08:35,654 IT'S ALREADY IN THE SYSTEM! 346 00:08:35,649 --> 00:08:37,949 IT'S KILLING THESE PATIENTS! 347 00:08:37,951 --> 00:08:38,851 >> WHAT ARE THEY DOING?! 348 00:08:38,852 --> 00:08:39,922 >> THESE MACHINES ARE KEEPING 349 00:08:39,920 --> 00:08:40,820 THEM ALIVE, YOU IDIOT! 350 00:08:40,821 --> 00:08:41,221 [ GRUNTS ] 351 00:08:41,221 --> 00:08:42,361 >> WE NEED TO UPLOAD THE KILL 352 00:08:42,355 --> 00:08:43,855 CODES TO STOP MED-X! 353 00:08:43,857 --> 00:08:44,587 [ GASPS ] 354 00:08:44,592 --> 00:08:46,032 GET OUT OF THE WAY, DOCTOR! 355 00:08:46,026 --> 00:08:47,726 THIS IS TOTALLY AN EPIC FAIL. 356 00:08:47,728 --> 00:08:49,028 >> YOU STILL DON'T GET IT, DO 357 00:08:49,029 --> 00:08:49,329 YOU? 358 00:08:49,329 --> 00:08:50,299 IT'S ALREADY OVER. 359 00:08:50,297 --> 00:08:51,027 MED-X KILLS. 360 00:08:51,031 --> 00:08:52,071 THAT'S WHAT IT DOES. 361 00:08:52,065 --> 00:08:53,025 THAT'S ALL IT DOES. 362 00:08:53,033 --> 00:08:55,143 I WAS A FOOL TO RESIST IT. 363 00:08:55,135 --> 00:08:55,965 >> OW! OW! 364 00:08:55,969 --> 00:08:57,039 >> SHUT IT DOWN! 365 00:08:57,037 --> 00:08:58,137 >> I'LL HAVE IT! 366 00:08:58,138 --> 00:09:01,008 >> [ SCREAMS ] 367 00:09:01,008 --> 00:09:02,078 >> OH, NO! 368 00:09:02,075 --> 00:09:04,745 MED-X KILLED THE POWER! 369 00:09:04,745 --> 00:09:06,075 >> [ BEEPING ] 370 00:09:06,079 --> 00:09:07,719 >> [ WHIMPERS ] 371 00:09:07,715 --> 00:09:09,045 >> THIS HOSPITAL'S CONNECTED TO 372 00:09:09,049 --> 00:09:09,919 THE POWER GRID. 373 00:09:09,917 --> 00:09:11,177 THE POWER GRID'S CONNECTED TO 374 00:09:11,184 --> 00:09:13,624 THE WHOLE CITY. 375 00:09:13,621 --> 00:09:16,221 THE CITY TO THE WHOLE COUNTRY. 376 00:09:16,223 --> 00:09:17,323 >> WE'RE PROBABLY THE LAST 377 00:09:17,324 --> 00:09:18,334 PEOPLE ON EARTH. 378 00:09:18,325 --> 00:09:20,725 [ CELLPHONE RINGING ] 379 00:09:20,728 --> 00:09:22,198 SAYS IT'S MY MOM. 380 00:09:22,195 --> 00:09:23,955 BUT THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE. 381 00:09:23,964 --> 00:09:25,134 EVERYONE'S BEEN KILLED. 382 00:09:25,132 --> 00:09:26,832 MED-X IS TRYING TO GET INSIDE MY 383 00:09:26,834 --> 00:09:28,174 HEAD BY POSING AS SOMEONE I 384 00:09:28,168 --> 00:09:28,698 LOVE! 385 00:09:28,702 --> 00:09:29,272 [ SCREAMS ] 386 00:09:29,269 --> 00:09:30,369 [ CELLPHONE CRASHES ] 387 00:09:30,370 --> 00:09:31,770 >> XANDRA. 388 00:09:31,772 --> 00:09:33,112 THERE'S NO TIME FOR FEAR. 389 00:09:33,106 --> 00:09:33,966 ONLY COURAGE. 390 00:09:33,974 --> 00:09:35,644 WE HAVE TO DO WHAT WE'VE BEEN 391 00:09:35,643 --> 00:09:37,213 AFRAID TO DO -- WHAT WE NEED TO 392 00:09:37,210 --> 00:09:37,710 DO. 393 00:09:37,711 --> 00:09:38,251 >> YOU'RE RIGHT. 394 00:09:38,245 --> 00:09:39,405 I DON'T WANT TO DIE WITHOUT EVER 395 00:09:39,412 --> 00:09:41,082 HAVING DONE IT WITH A WHITE GUY. 396 00:09:41,081 --> 00:09:41,681 >> YEP. 397 00:09:41,682 --> 00:09:44,952 >> [ MOANING ] 398 00:09:44,952 --> 00:09:46,252 RADFORD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! 399 00:09:46,253 --> 00:09:49,363 [ STATIC ] 400 00:09:49,356 --> 00:09:51,286 >> THE MACHINES ARE COMING. 401 00:09:51,291 --> 00:09:52,791 [ THUMPING ] 402 00:09:52,793 --> 00:09:55,203 Oh, no. 403 00:09:55,195 --> 00:09:57,665 Med-X is here. 404 00:09:57,665 --> 00:10:00,195 It's come to kill its creator. 405 00:10:00,200 --> 00:10:01,670 And there's nothing I can do 406 00:10:01,669 --> 00:10:05,769 about it. 407 00:10:05,773 --> 00:10:08,043 [ BREATHING DEEPLY ] 408 00:10:12,012 --> 00:10:13,152 [ STATIC ] 409 00:10:13,146 --> 00:10:15,016 >> LaFonda: [ CHUCKLES ] 410 00:10:15,015 --> 00:10:15,845 UH. 411 00:10:15,849 --> 00:10:17,149 TAKE TWO OF THOSE AND CALL ME IN 412 00:10:17,150 --> 00:10:18,250 THE MORNING. 413 00:10:18,251 --> 00:10:19,821 THANKS, XANDRA. 414 00:10:19,820 --> 00:10:21,390 NEXT WEEK ON "NEWSREADERS," IT'S 415 00:10:21,388 --> 00:10:23,118 CALLED HALCYON MEADOWS, AND IT'S 416 00:10:23,123 --> 00:10:24,893 THE SITE OF THE LARGEST RECORDED 417 00:10:24,892 --> 00:10:26,332 SYPHILIS OUTBREAK IN AMERICAN 418 00:10:26,326 --> 00:10:27,156 HISTORY. 419 00:10:27,160 --> 00:10:28,760 >> WELL, WHAT CAN I SAY? 420 00:10:28,762 --> 00:10:30,262 OLD PEOPLE LOVE TO [BLEEP] 421 00:10:30,263 --> 00:10:32,133 >> LaFonda: AND CELEBRITIES -- 422 00:10:32,132 --> 00:10:34,032 HOW DO THEY GET THEIR PANTS ON? 423 00:10:34,034 --> 00:10:35,244 WE'LL GIVE YOU LEG-BY-LEG 424 00:10:35,235 --> 00:10:35,865 UPDATES. 425 00:10:35,869 --> 00:10:37,269 IF YOU WOULD LIKE A TRANSCRIPT 426 00:10:37,270 --> 00:10:38,870 OF TONIGHT'S SHOW, PLEASE WRITE 427 00:10:38,872 --> 00:10:40,272 TO US AND EXPLAIN WHY YOU WOULD 428 00:10:40,273 --> 00:10:42,183 EVER WANT OR NEED THAT. 429 00:10:42,175 --> 00:10:44,075 I'M LOUIS LaFONDA. 430 00:10:44,077 --> 00:10:46,347 GOODNIGHT. 431 00:10:57,991 --> 00:10:59,191 >> COULD YOU TELL US A LITTLE 432 00:10:59,192 --> 00:11:02,262 BIT ABOUT YOUR TSA EXPERIENCE? 433 00:11:02,262 --> 00:11:03,502 >> WELL, I JUST WANT TO SAY 434 00:11:03,496 --> 00:11:04,966 THAT -- BABA BOOEY, BABA BOOEY! 435 00:11:04,965 --> 00:11:06,165 HOWARD STERN'S PENIS! 436 00:11:06,166 --> 00:11:07,096 >> SON OF A BI-- 437 00:11:07,167 --> 00:11:08,837 >> BABA BOOEY! 26925

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