All language subtitles for Last Man Standing s09e20 Baxter Boot Camp.eng

-Hey, morning.
-Mm.

-Off to the salt mines.
-Have fun.

You know what, hon?
Will you remind Kristin

that she still has a mother?

I-I mean, she stopped
our morning coffee

'cause she goes to work early,

and our evening wine
because she stays late.

You know, if you started
the morning with wine,

you wouldn't even notice
that she's gone.

No, I'm serious. Come on,
it's like she lives at work.

-Mm.
-Bye.

You know, I've noticed that.

I notice everything.

-Bye.
-Have a good day.

So, what are you
hiding from Mike?

Nothing. What are you
hiding from Mike?

None of your business.

Come on, spill it.

My friends are visiting
next week from Hong Kong,

and they want me
to take them camping.

If Mr. Baxter finds out,
he's gonna want to...

(deep voice):
...teach me stuff.

Yeah, I mean, that's because
you've never been camping.

Where, uh, where are you guys
thinking of going?

Oh, I found the perfect spot
at the top of Torreys Peak.

-Torreys Peak?
-Mm-hmm.

That's so dangerous. I...

Why-why don't you start
somewhere easier,

like a roadside campground?

Uh, we want to have
an adventure?

We shouldn't be able to walk
to a gas station and get nachos.

Uh-- look, look, wait.
No, but... Torreys Peak

is above the tree line.

You know who's really good
at camping

and doesn't go there? Trees.

I can handle it.

There's a ton of information
on the Internet,

and I've done all my research.

Look, look, look.
I-I once did research

to learn how to make
a French omelet,

and you know what happened
when I finally made one?

It came out perfectly?

We ended up having oatmeal.

But my oatmeal
didn't kill your friends.

Would it make you feel better

if I prove to you
I know how to camp?

-How are you gonna do that?
-I don't know.

You're the expert. You tell me.

All right, all right, how
about we camp for one night

in the backyard,
and we'll see how you handle

some unexpected situations.

Deal. You've got
your situations,

I've got my camping apps.

Bring it on.

(laughs)
This will be fun.

What do you feel like
having for breakfast?

Can you make me a French omelet?

You got it.
Bowl of oatmeal coming up.

♪

Hey, Kristin,
you-you want a cup?

Oh, no, thank you.

I have got all the energy I need

from the natural adrenaline rush
of hard work.

A little insulting, but okay.

(chuckles):
Oh, I-I'm sorry.

I-I'm just, I'm just so excited

about how much
I'm accomplishing.

No, that's great. Sounds like
taking over for your dad's

-gonna be a snap.
-Well, I hope so.

I still need to master
his "get back to work" look.

CHUCK:
Mm. (chuckles)

-Good morning, Kris, Chuck.
-Morning. Hey.

There it is.

So, uh,

I don't want to brag,
but I am kicking work's ass.

Well, be careful. Kicking
work's ass could wear you out.

Just ask Ed.
He's actually only 34 years old.

(chuckles)
I'm serious.

I've already finished
the cost-benefit analysis

of switching over
to the new software.

That's a lot of work.
Where you get the energy?

Please tell me you're not
putting meth in your coffee.

No, uh, every day,
I work an extra hour.

Well, that hour
comes from someplace.

You really think this
is worth it?

You should be proud of me, Dad.

I came up with a better system
than Mike Baxter.

I am proud of you.
Very proud of you.

As a matter of fact,
I'm so proud of you,

I'm gonna get you involved
in the quantitative analysis

of opening new stores
in, uh, good locations.

-Oh.
-Unless that's too much work.

(laughs):
No. No way. I got this.

Hey, oh, uh, and one of
these days, you're gonna have

to teach me your "get back
to work" look, you know?

Well, y-you'd actually have
to stop working

for me to give you the look.

So, you're proposing to work
part-time here for me,

and part-time
at the church for God?

Well, God won't be
in an office over there.

How cool would that be?

Uh, but yes,
th-that's what I'd like to do.

Excuse me,
I-I realize t-that, uh,

this may be a little late
to ask you this,

but, um...

are you sure you want
to be a minister?

Absolutely.

So, what's the attraction, son?
What is it?

The uncomfortable collar?
Huh? The low wage?

The missing those early
football games on Sunday?

You're forgetting
the most important thing

about being a minister.

-And what is that?
-Giving people hope.

I'm sure there are a few people
he'd like to put through a wall.

Like everyone with
a battery-powered skateboard.

I don't think so, Mr. Alzate.

A-And this whole
heaven thing, huh?

Big, beautiful palaces, right?

Uh, music everywhere.

Everyone drunk, carrying buckets
of coins, huh?

You're thinking of Las Vegas.

Ah. Well, at least I know
how to get to Vegas.

How the hell am I supposed
to get into heaven?

Well, I mean,
there's things that people do.

-Mm-hmm.
-You know.

No. No, I don't know.

I-I'll tell you what.
I'll tell you what, now.

(clears throat)
You, uh you come to me

with a simple,
easy-to-follow plan

that gets me into heaven,

and I'll approve this,
all right?

Well, that's not exactly
an easy thing to explain.

Yeah, well, I know it.

If it was easy, we wouldn't
need people like you

to become ministers
to explain it.

Bye.

(grunting)

Interesting.
I probably would've packed

a mallet to pound those stakes.

But, you know, but then,
I'm a geologist,

and I'm against
cruelty to rocks.

But I got this on shale.

-Ooh. Good one.
-Ugh.

When you asked me to help,
you promised no geology puns.

Oh, you're right. We're quarry.

-(door closes)
-MIKE: Hey, guys. -(shouts)

-Wow. I knew I smelled tent.
-Hey.

And maybe a bit of fear.

Well, the family tent is out.

I wonder what that's doing
out here. Huh.

What a mystery.

Little harder to hide a tent

than it is to shut
your laptop, isn't it?

Look, I notice everything.

Vanessa is just teaching me
a few tips on camping.

-Nothing for you to worry about.
-Whoa, whoa, wait.

So you thought she'd be
less tough on you than me?

-(laughs)
-Well, yeah.

(chuckles)

-What?
-Nothing, nothing.

Just fasten your seat belt.

All right, all right,
come on. Go, go, go.

-There's lasagna inside
if you want it. -Oh, yeah.

-Go, go, go. Get out.
-All right.

Good luck, everybody.

Let's see here.

Ah, well,
this looks pretty solid.

What, uh,
what do you think, Mandy?

Hmm?

Oh, well,
I love that shade of black.

-Yeah.
-Me, too.

-Now take it down.
-What?

You pegged your corners
before you zipped your entry.

-Mm.
-Now you'll never get it shut.

-(stammers)
-Yeah, no, no, no, she-she's right.

She's right.
You got to take it down.

Uh, but put these on first.

But I can barely see now!

Well, because it's night. Huh?

You didn't pack a flashlight,
did you?

Well, yes, I did.

(grunts)

It seems to be gone.

-Oh.
-What? Well, that is unexpected.

(shouts)

Maybe one of your friends
took it out

and left it somewhere.

Well, why would they do that?

I don't know.
I don't know your friends.

All right,
look, look, look, look.

Listen, listen,
these things happen.

Okay? Now, look, you're at
the top of Torreys Peak.

You took two hours to hike
up here, two hours to set up,

and that's after
a five-hour drive.

-What do you do now?
-I don't know.

You're above the tree line!
You don't get to not know.

Come on! It's pitch-black
and freezing. What do you do?

Uh, I start a fire?

Come on.
Asking me or telling me?

-Uh, I start a fire!
-Right, right.

Well, I hope
you brought wood because...

BOTH:
No trees.

As a matter of fact, I did.

Score one for Jen.

Okay.

Ha, ha.

Okay.

Look at that. Very nice.

You are all set
for a toasty fire.

Wait a minute, what's that?
Thunder?

-I don't hear anything.
-VANESSA: Oh...

Jen, Jen, you got to study
the clouds on the drive up here.

See that? See that?
Those are cumulonimbus clouds.

And that probably means...

-Rain!
-(whoops)

(screams)
What?

(whoops)

-(laughs)
-Ah. Should've covered that wood up with a tarp.

-Yeah.
-You guys are driving me crazy.

I should've had
Mr. Baxter teach me.

I'm right here. What's up?
You need some help?

ALL:
No!

Guess what came
in the mail today.

-No way.
-Oh, yeah.

Toxic Titans,
volume one, issue four.

Whoa. The first appearance
of Fire Falcon.

BOTH:
"Ick-lack-fabba-doo-wonk. Ca-caw!"

What do you think? Should we,
uh, bust this baby open

or, uh,
you're doing seminary stuff?

Uh, no, this is actually
a project

Mr. Alzate asked me to do.

Bible stuff? For Ed?

I thought he only believed
in jazz and Rita Moreno.

He wants me to tell him
how to get into heaven.

Ick-lack-fabba-doo-wonk.

I know.

Look, I-- Not that I believe
in any of this stuff,

but isn't there a pretty direct
answer to that question?

Yes, but I don't know
how comfortable I am

talking to Mr. Alzate
about being saved.

Yeah, don't imagine that's a
conversation he would spark to.

Unless you're doing it
in a speakeasy.

Yeah. I'm really not sure
what to do.

Well, uh, lucky for you,

-Fire Falcon does.
-What do you mean?

Okay, you remember
volume three, issue 24?

Uh, yeah, yeah. Of course.

Fire Falcon's grandfather
is dying

and he can't make it back
to the Golden Nest.

Right. And-and Fire Falcon
tells him, he...

...he tells him,
"Shakka-boo-loma-coki."

"The Nest will come to you."

God, it still gets me.
(sniffles)

Ooh. You know, why don't
you just tell Ed that?

Y-You want me to tell him that
he doesn't have to do anything?

Well, I think we both know

that's what he wants
to hear anyway.

Yeah, but that's not
what I believe.

Well, it's not what
Fire Falcon believed,

but it brought
his grandfather peace.

Oh, man, I got to take
a little walk.

You want me to dig a hole?
For what?

To hide my valuables?
(laughs)

No, no, no.
Uh, the hole is your...

powder room.

Ugh, I'm not doing that.

All right, well, here's an idea.

Why don't you go
to a roadside campground

that has indoor bathrooms?

Fine, I'll dig the hole.

Look, Jen, we're just trying
to show you

all the things you need
to prepare for.

So what's next?
Will you throw ice cubes at me

and tell me it's a hailstorm?

Or set off a stink bomb
and tell me it's skunks?

Or we could put a snake in there

because you left
the tent unzipped.

(grunts)
I wouldn't be surprised.

Oh, and there it is.

Really scary.

You want your rubber snake
back now?

(screaming)

(exhales sharply)

That's a real snake.

It's just a garter snake.
It's harmless.

I can't believe you are doing
all of this just to ruin my fun.

No, no, no. No, no, no.
I want you to have fun.

But I want you to know what
you're getting yourself into.

Look, I-I want you to be safe.

Well, don't worry,
I will be safe,

because I'm not going to go
camping with my friends at all!

-Jen...
-(yells)

What?

You told me it was
a rubber snake

when you had me put it in there.

It is, honey.

It... Go get it.

All right, I'm out of here.

Ah. You sticking around
again tonight?

-Business never sleeps, Chuck.
-Mm.

I love doing this.

Makes me really fulfilled,
you know?

Like, I feel like
I'm making a difference.

So don't worry about me.

I just wanted to remind you
to turn the coffee maker off.

Last pot got all charred
and crusty at the bottom.

Had to throw it out.

-Right. Turn off the coffee.
-Mm.

-Won't forget tonight.
-Yeah.

And I'm glad you're fulfilled
and everything.

-That's awkward, Chuck.
-Okay. All right.

-See you later.
-Good night.

Mess up one time and they never
let you forget it.

Hey, you know,
they say the first sign

of a mental breakdown
is talking to yourself.

Huh.

"Is that right, Mike?"
"Yes, it is."

"Well, then, why haven't you
broken down?" "Listen, just...

-Let me talk to her!"
-I'm fine, Dad. I'm fine.

Okay? In fact, I'm-I'm better
than fine. I'm great.

Well, that's good to hear.

Yeah, I should have
all of this done

and on your desk by tonight.

Well, I don't need it tonight.
You can just wait till tomorrow.

I mean, it could wait
till tomorrow, but why would it?

You know? I can do it tonight.

Good point, good point.

Yeah, and that would, uh,
open up time tomorrow

-to do the monthly
budget report. -Huh?

Yeah, I would normally wait
till the end of the month,

but you got such
an amazing system,

why not just do it tomorrow?

Sure. Why not?

Unless there's a problem.

No, no. No problem.

Well, it s-- kind of sounds
like there's a problem.

Nope. Mm. Must be nice
to have someone

you can just dump
all your work on

so you can go home
and relax with your family.

It is.

-Good night, Kris.
-Night.

-Listen, hon.
-Yes?

I'd like you to remember
one thing: very important.

Huh?

Turn off the coffee maker,

otherwise it gets this weird
burnt stuff at the bottom

and "M-- Mike likes his coffee."
"Yes, he does.

He really likes his coffee."
"You shut up."

"You shut up." "I'm the one
that should shut up."

-Dad, good night.
-Say good night to both of us.

-Yeah.
-KYLE: Hey, Mr. Alzate.

H-Have you got a minute?

Well, who knows how much time

any of us have, huh?

That's why I'm hoping you've got
a good plan for me

to get to the great beyond.

Well, I've thought about it
a lot since we talked,

and as you can imagine,
it's a complicated topic.

Uh, didn't there
used to be something called

"sale of indulgences," huh?

Where you could pay to get
a "get out of hell free" card?

-Are they still doing that?
-No, sir.

-Mm.
-Uh, they stopped doing that about 500 years ago.

Oh. Damn.

I just missed it. All right.

So you said, uh,
you thought a lot about it.

You're a smart kid.
What'd you figure out?

Well, I figured out one thing

that really sucks
about being a minister.

Oh. This is not starting well.
(chuckles)

Well, uh, it's not easy telling
somebody about being saved

when that someone is you.

Why? Because I'm heading south?

No.

No, because I'm a salty
son of a bitch?

No. Because you're somebody
who saved me.

What?

I've told you
what my life was like

before I got here
to Outdoor Man.

I mean, this place
was like heaven to me.

Well, that's, uh,
that's wonderful to hear.

So, I don't want
to preach to you.

But I do believe certain things.

So if you ever want to have
that conversation with me,

I would really,
really love that.

Okay, I guess that means
you don't have

a simple answer
to my heaven question.

It means you deserve
more than a simple answer.

Oh.

You're gonna be
a hell of a minister, Kyle.

Oh, yeah.

That's-that's one lucky church.

Uh, good luck. And, uh--
now scram. I've got work to do.

Go on.

-Mr. Alzate?
-Yeah.

I do believe, one day,
that I'll be in heaven.

But I don't see how it could be
heaven unless you're there, too.

You salty son of a bitch.

Here you go.
All finished with the budget.

Thank you.

(sighs)

What, are we looking
for a reward cookie?

I'm just waiting
for you to throw

whatever project
you have at me next.

Bring it on.

That sounds like a challenge.

It is. Y-- obviously,

y-you're trying to overload me,
but guess what?

I am happy to work the extra
hours because I love this job.

You know, t-there actually are
no "extra hours."

You don't work one,
get one free.

-Last count, I think there's
actually 24 hours in a day. -Hmm.

You know what I mean.

Have you ever noticed
that there's no pictures

of your sisters
or your mom in this office?

What?

Pictures. There's no pictures
of my family in here.

Uh, fine.

Uh, gee, no, Dad I didn't.
(chuckles)

Why is that?

Because I don't like you people.

But there's plenty of pictures
of me in here.

(laughs softly)
What's your point?

I want to miss you guys.

I-I don't understand.

L-Leaving a job
you don't like is easy,

but leaving work
when you love it, that's hard.

But I love my family, too.

I know, I know, but sometimes
working here is gonna take

time away from your family.

And I just want you
to understand

that this is your choice.

I hear you.

But I'm not actually worried
about that. I...

You taught me
how important family is.

Wait a second.

Wouldn't having pictures
of us around

make you want to see us more?

Yeah.

That's a good observation.

All right, I think
I made most of that up.

There's actually
only enough wall space

for this guy's picture.

What's this?

Come sit and have
some hot chocolate.

(chuckles)
Okay.

There's, uh,
not some crazed mountain man

ready to jump out at me,
is there? (chuckles)

Where's Mr. Baxter?

VANESSA (laughs):
Oh, no.

It's fine, it's fine.

Look, the hard part is over.

So I know you think that we took
the Baxter Boot Camp

a little too far,
but I am a Baxter.

And I do love boots.

Yeah, last night
we tried to show you

the difficult parts of camping,
but it can also really fun.

Oh, yeah, this is a blast.

-Sitting in the backyard.
-No, it is fun.

Look-- uh, listen,
it doesn't matter if you're

at Torreys Peak
or a roadside campground

or-or even in your own backyard.

Camping is about
being in nature,

slowing down
and-and spending time

-with the people you care about.
-Hmm.

Then I really should go
camping with you guys.

Mm, that's sweet.

But I don't camp,
I just instruct.

Hey. Have you guys
seen the girls?

-Oh.
-We're playing hide-and-seek,

but they have
gotten really good.

Uh, no, no, we have no idea
where they are.

(quietly): In the tent.

Oh, okay, Kyle.
I guess they won.

Yeah, I guess
we'll never find them.

Yeah, we should probably just,
I don't know...

-Ah!
-(laughter)

Really think I'd ever let work

get in the way
of being with this family?

You know,
when you think about it,

pictures wouldn't actually
ever do this justice.

-(laughs softly)
-True.

(laughter)

Captioning sponsored by
20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION

and TOYOTA.

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org

(chicken clucks)

Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0