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- Hi, I'm Dalton Fingers

and welcome to Channel
12 News this evening.

We're bringing you
our breaking story.

Pervo the Clown,
rockstar, playboy,
and award-winning actor,

has been arrested
again this evening

for running naked through
the streets of Newcastle

chasing one of our
news reporters.

So let's head downtown
where we've got

Jessica Swallows on location.

So for the viewers at
home, can you tell us

a little bit more about
the incidents that Pervo

has been finding himself in?

- Absolutely.
Obviously Pervo's rise to fame

was quite meteoric
in the past 12 months.

Since he rescued that group of
women from the satanic cult,

he was really set in the
hearts and minds of the nation.

However, after all that
partying and hard-core living,

he had to go into rehab
for alcohol addiction

and drug problems,
and after that we thought

he was back on track, but
unfortunately tonight's events

have shown that perhaps
he's not anymore.

- [Dalton] Yes. but Pervo is

a very crazy
character in himself.

I mean, his autobiography
was entitled,

"Pervo the Clown,
Show Me Your Tits."

Tonight wasn't his first arrest.

He was arrested
several weeks ago

in a police sting operation.

- Unfortunately, there was
a sting operation in place

where Pervo didn't realize
that there were several

undercover police officers
posing as prostitutes,

and, unfortunately,
when he started asking
to cover themselves

in custard and lay
themselves all across him,

that was when the police
officers were not willing

to go any further.

- Mm, and I also believe that
when he was arrested he had

various erotic objects
inserted in him.

Can you tell me more
about that, please?

- There were several
objects attached to Pervo

as he was pulled away from
the undercover police women.

Several of them have, did
actually take an actual doctor

to remove, so he had to go
to hospital to get that done.

But hopefully he seems to
be okay now, physically,

we're not quite sure
about mentally as of yet.

- Well, that's great Jessica.
Thank you very much.

Jessica Swallows,
ladies and gentlemen.

Who knows what's next
for Pervo the Clown?

But from me,
that's all there is tonight.

And remember, ladies...

Dalton...

Fingers.

(tense music)

(rock music)

* They came out of nowhere

* Covered in gore

* On a mission from Satan

* They're evil to the core

* Fucked up and crazy

* Eyes burning hate

* Bleeding all over

* They'll have your
head on a plate *

* It's all been
really calm now *

* It's all been
really calm now *

* They're really
fucking vicious *

* Wicked and malicious

* They wanna destroy

* And take a bite of me

* Calling for blood

* Looking for meat

* Godforsaken heathens

* Don't turn up the heat

* It's all been
really calm now *

- Someone's been a bad
little boy, haven't they?

(shrieking loudly)

And what do we do
with bad little boys?

Pain.

(screaming)

(loud slapping)

(laughing)

- Ooh, where's my
sexy clown man?

- Oh Mother, would you
stop your obsession

with that murdering toe-rag?

I told you, we're gonna
kill your sexy clown man.

- Why are we gonna
kill my sexy clown man?

- I told you this
a thousand times before.

He killed our entire family.

My dad, your husband, remember.

My brother and sisters.

Your children.

He deserves to die.

- No no, my sexy clown man
wouldn't kill anyone.

- She doesn't remember
a thing, does she?

- Uh uh.

- Anyway, why aren't you
downstairs making the punch

for the party?

- I was, but Uncle Cuthbert
kept getting in the way.

- What's Uncle Cuthbert
doing here?

He's meant to be going to
the TV station to meet Pervo.

- Is he?

- Oh my God, that was
the first part of the plan!

- The plan.

What plan?

- So, what we're going to do
is we're gonna to invite Pervo

and a load of his friends
to a big party

where we're going to lure them
in with a group of sexy girls

called the Pervettes.

And then, whilst he's busy
partying, we're going to

infect the girls with our virus,

hidden in some delicious punch,

which will turn them
into brain-dead zombies

so that they can kill
all of Pervo's friends,

just like he killed our family.

So, for the fifth
and final time,

do you guys understand?

(laughing)

(shouting)

Oh, my God!

Oh, you can't remember a thing,

'cause you were all too busy
messing about as usual.

Right, get Uncle Cuthbert and
go to the garage immediately.

(laughing)

I'll be finished
with him shortly.

(tense music)

(loud whining)

(laughing)

Brace yourself, big boy.

(shrieking)

- Right, where were we?

- We don't care. We just
want paying so we can go.

- You'll get paid, don't worry.

Anyway, it hasn't been
three hours yet, has it?

- Not quite.

- Well, how long we got left?

- 20 minutes.

- 20 minutes. Shit, right,
everyone in the bathroom.

Come on.

- Why's the tub
full of baked beans?

- No, madam, no.

Listen madam, I can assure you
we do not allow

that kind of thing
in this hotel.

And we definitely
don't allow that.

Madam, please. Okay madam,
I will sort it out, of course.

Thank you for your call.

I'm gonna tear him
a new asshole.

(very loud music)

I am sick of this. Every time.

What the hell's
going on in there?

- Nowt.

Now fuck off.

- Get out of my way.

What the hell is this?

- Hi!

- Are they hookers?

- No.

- We only agreed to
have you back here

'cause your manager guaranteed
you'd have a carer with you.

- A carer?
I'm not a fucking retard.

- I beg to differ.

- Well, I've paid for the room.

- No you haven't.
Your card's been declined.

Now pick up yer stuff
and get out.

- Ah, he's not going anywhere
until we get our money.

- Did somebody say money?

- Oh, shit.

- Pervo the motherfucking clown.

Why am I not surprised
to see you here?

- You still in the closet,
eh, Nick?

- And just where the fuck
do you think

you're going, sunshine?

- Have you met Stacey?

He's the new muscle.
My love muscle, so to speak.

- His name's Stacey.

- Yes it is.

Of course, if you've
got a problem with that,

you wanna take it up with him.

- Excuse me, but who the hell
do you think you are?

- My name is Nick the Dick,
motherfucker.

Nick is my name and wasting
motherfuckers is my game.

Now where's my money, bitch?

Now listen very closely.

The next words out of your mouth
are what I wanna hear,

or Stacey here is gonna
rip your balls off.

Now, what have you got
to say for yourself?

- Boris!

- What?

- Boris!

- Boris?

- Who the fuck is Boris?

(loud thumping)

- Hey hey, good stuff mate,
come on.

- Can I smell beans?

- Oh, you've got that TV
interview to do, anyway.

- See you, girls.

- Fuck off, little dick.

- Little dick.

(laughing)

- What is it with you
and fucking beans?

(tense music)

(repeated gunshots)

(maniacal laughing)

- Okay, calm down, darling.

- Don't tell me to calm down.

I've been through this
three times already

and you lot still
don't remember it.

I love you, but you're
so bloody difficult.

Oh, why don't you listen to me
when I'm talking?

- We do listen to you.

- What did I just say, then?

- When?

- See, it's not
a hard plan to follow.

Now go and sit
with mother and Uncle Cuthbert

and I'll explain it
to you lot again.

(laughing)

(toys squeaking)

Anyway, the plan is that
we're going to turn

the entire country's population
into brain-dead zombies...

- Oh!

- ...by infecting the national
water supply with Dad's virus...

- Oh, that's a good idea.

- ...so lovingly recreated
by Doctor Bertie here.

(laughing)

(horns squeaking)

And then, when everybody's
turned into zombies,

then we're going to go and
live in Buckingham Palace,

where Mother shall be queen.

- And you'll be Prince Octavia,
and I'll be Princess Bertie.

(laughing)

- Darling, I think you'll find
it's the other way round.

- But I wanna be a princess.

- Yeah, he wants to be princess.

Let him be princess.

- Princess.

- Oh, okay then.

First of all, we kill
Pervo the fucking clown.

- [Mother] Oh, no!

- Yay!

- No no no,
not my sexy clown man.

- Ssh ssh, Mother.

Anyway, we're going to lure
Pervo here to a big big party

with a group of sexy girls
called the Pervettes.

- Is it his birthday?

- No darling, it's not.

- But the group of sexy girls
who we're then going to

turn into zombies.

- No, I don't want
to be a zombie.

- Oh Mother,
you won't be a zombie.
Don't you worry,

because darling
Bertie here's created

the zombie repellent spray.
Haven't you, Bertie?

- [Cuthbert] Have you?

Have you?
- No no.

- [Cuthbert] Yes you, yes you--

- I have.

Oh yes, oh yes.

(laughing)

(toys squeaking)

Now watch this.

(growling)

You see,
she's completely repelled.

- Come on, darling.

(laughing)

See, so we'll all
be perfectly safe.

We'll spray Pervo
when he gets in, too,

so the zombies don't kill him.

So he can watch all
his friends die slowly.

Then we can capture him,
torture him,
and finally kill him.

(cheering)

Right, Uncle Cuth,
you go get yourself changed

and get to the TV station
where Pervo's doing that show.

Go find his assistant
and tell them about our party.

Then go get them to meet
Bertie at the club tonight.

- Aye aye, sir.

- Bye.

(horns sounding)

- Bertie.

You're going to go to
the club to meet Pervo.

- Right.

- You make sure they
definitely come tomorrow.

- Mm-hm.

- Mother, you can bake a cake.

- I got some friends
coming tonight.

- Yes, Mummy.

In her head.

(sniggering)

- Anyway darling, we've got
a couple of hours to kill so...

shall we go finish
the hoovering?

(laughing)

Bertie!

(gunshots)

- Okay, I will do.

Bye.

Well, that was the management.

You're officially bankrupt.

Congratulations.

- What's that even mean?

- Mean's your skint, prick.

- Shut up, you.

- He's right, though.

You've got no money.

- Well, how come?

- It's your fucked up
lifestyle, innit?

- Fucked up? It's awesome.

- Not only are you skint but
you owe thousands of pounds.

Like, who are the Bad Habits?
You owe them a fortune.

- Just some girls I know.

- Hookers.

- Hookers!

- It's all you do, grass me up.

They're gorgeous,
they'll do anything.

- Aye, if you pay for it.

- Pervo, you really need
to create a good impression

on this TV interview.

This is pretty much
your last chance.

- I'm Pervo the Clown,
course I will.

Anyway, what do you care?

It's your last day tomorrow,
isn't it?

- So?

- So, you still haven't even
told us where you're going.

- I'm traveling the world,
that's all I'm saying.

- Whatever.

Keep your little secrets.
I don't care.

What's your name?

- Doesn't matter
what her name is.

Leave the poor girl alone.

- I'm only asking
what her name is.

Do you spit or swallow?

- Pervo, I said leave her alone.

You haven't dealt with the
last harassment lawsuit yet.

- Got awesome boobs you.

- Ignore him, darling.
He's an idiot.

Look, you really need to be
sensible in this interview,

and I'm being serious.

- I will.

I promise.

- What the fuck?

(screaming)

- [Woman] Pervo.

- What?

- [Boris] You want
locking up, mate?

- [Woman] Give me strength.

One more day.

- Did you see the size
of her boobs, though?

- Dirty bastard.

(gentle music)

- Excuse me, is your name Kat?

- Yeah, it is.

- My name's Captain Cuthbert,
I mean Cuthbert,

my name's Cuthbert.

- Nice to meet you.

What is that?

- It's a, it's a hankie.

Dear me, there's always a bit
you can't get, isn't there?

Anyway, I'd like to
invite Pervo to a party

thrown in his honor.

- Oh, a party.

- Yeah, my boss Bertie Dumble
owns a string of nightclubs

and he'd like to invite Pervo
to a party.

- [Kat] Oh, okay.

- Excellent.

(loud techno music)

(cheering and applauding)

- Hello, and welcome back
to the Chat Lab with me,

your hostess, Miss Crystal Meth.

Now, we've just heard from
international singing sensation,

Miss Sugar Deluxe.

(audience applauding)

Now it's time for my next guest.

Now, this man is know
for his part in rescuing girls

from a gruesome satanic cult
that turned dozens of girls

into sick, twisted, killers.

And a movie about the massacre,
in where he plays himself,

has just been recently released.

Now, he's appeared
in the headlines

for all of the wrong reasons,
and he's become

quite the victim
of his own success.

But there are two sides
to every story.

So let's hear it
from the man himself.

Ladies and gentlemen,
I give you my next guest.

The one, the only,
Pervo the Clown.

(audience applauding)

So Pervo, how are you?

- I'm great, thanks.

Even better now I'm sat
next to this bit of crumpet.

- Well funny
you should say that,

Sugar was looking
to be getting on very well

with somebody that you know
in the Green Room.

- [Pervo] Oh, Dikki Lixx.

- [Crystal] What a guy.

- [Pervo] What a guy?
He's a cock.

- Eh, could you watch
your language, please?

- Well he's a cock,
though, look at him.

Thinks he's it.

He's a fucking knob-head, man.

Fucking rockstar wannabe.

- Didn't Dikki
kick you out of a band

that you were in together once?

- No, I left.

- Okay so, for those
who don't know at home,

could you tell the audience
a little bit about the movie

and what it's about.

- It's called
Zombie Women of Satan.

- Can I just say, I think
that's a fantastic title.

Don't you agree,
ladies and gentlemen?

(audience applauding)

But Satan doesn't actually
make an appearance in the film.

- Aw, shut up man,

you're just splitting hairs.
Doesn't matter.

They're all evil bitches,
anyway.

Just watch the film. It's great.

Tits everywhere.

- Now sadly,
on a more serious note,

Harmony Starr and Sky
and Rachel Brannigan,

who survived the massacre,

were tragically killed
in a car accident, recently.

- Yeah that was,
that was well weird that.

I mean head-on collision
with a truck driven by a midget.

Fucking hell,
what's the chances of that?

Oh sorry, sorry, I shouldn't
have sworn, should I?

Shoulda stopped after midget.

- No, I think midget
was the actual,

the actual problem there.

Now, Harmony's character,
who was played by

Dahlia Von Rose, was actually
on the show here last week.

- Was she?

I think she's in London
at the moment.
Ain't she doing that,

what's that film called,
The Ox's Cock or summat?

- It's Oxford.
It's about
the Oxford boat races.

It's a period drama.

- Is it? Oh, I thought
it was some animal porn thing,

(laughing)

Anyway, she's a fucking idiot.
I hate her.

Right minge bag.

- Okay, well could you
shed a little bit of light

on this subject for me?

Now, there was a recent
police sting operation

at a massage parlor.

- Oh, that was
a total coincidence.

I didn't even know
they were hookers.

- You were seen leaving
with a ball-gag in your mouth,

and a dildo inserted in your--

- Yeah, alright,
it was up my arse.

The police put it there.

- Okay.

Apparently, according
to the headlines,

you have spent a fortune
on call girls.

Are you being treated
for sex addiction at all?

- I am yeah,
I'm treating myself...

...by shagging
anything that moves.

(laughing)

You'd have it, wouldn't you?

- No, thanks.

- Oh come on, course you--

- Don't touch the nose.
Oh, you want it, don't you?

- No, no.

- Come on.

(loud humming)

- Okay, just so I'm absolutely
clear what you're telling me.

Pandora let that fucking
idiot clown rack up

40 grand's worth of debt,

and you two thought the best
way to get the money back

was to do nothing,

and not even tell me.

- Well, did neither of you
think that following a plan

concocted by someone
as thick as two short planks

might be a bit, oh I don't know,
fucking stupid?

- You know, back home
in Russia we chop people up

when they don't pay.

Feed them to dog.

- I don't care about
back home in Russia, Svetlana.

What I care about is that my,
my escort agency

is owed 40,000 pounds.

People come to the Bad Habits
because of our reputation,

and I've worked bloody hard
to make it so.

I'm not gonna let
you three fuck it up.

- But you two knew about it,
which makes you all as bad

as each other.
Now come on, we're going now.

- Going where?

- [Woman] To get Pervo.

- Right now?

- Yes, right now.

Where is Pandora?

- Having a bath.

For fuck's sake!

(gentle classical music)

- Hey, how about knocking first?
What's the problem?

- The problem.

The problem is that not
only have you racked up

a massive debt, but those
two knew about it all along.

Now get out of the bath,
we're going.

Now!

- Why? Where are we going?

- To catch that fucking clown.

- Will do, my love.

Yes yes, it'll be
hanging from a tree

the time we finish with him.
I tell you that.

(laughing)

Yes he's just come back.
Everything's fine.

- Well, let's hope so.

Anyway, you best
get to the club.

Just make sure you really
sell the party to him.

Especially the girls,
that'll get him hooked.

- Yeah yeah, he'll be
hanging from a hook

the time we've finished
with him.
I tell you that.

(laughing)

- Bye, my little sugar puff.

- Okay, darling. Goodbye.

Have they got the address?

- Oh, yeah.

- Good.

(laughing)

Let's go.

(techno music)

(shouting)

- Hey.

I need a lift,
you fast driving git.

- It's okay.
You can leave him with me now.

What the hell
are you playing at?

- What? I was just having fun.

- By pulling a girl's
top down on live TV?

- Oh, the viewers will love it.

- Pervo, you've lost the plot.

- [Pervo] Oh I wish.
She was hot as fuck, man.

- Anyway, we've got
a massive party tomorrow.

Some millionaire.

- Hey hey, get amongst it.

- Apparently he sorted
it with management

but they've not
said anything to me.

- Aye, probably 'cause
tomorrow's your last day.
Isn't it, eh?

Then you're off gallivanting
'round the world.

- Mm, possibly.

Anyway, we're gonna meet
this Bertie tonight

at a club he owns later,
so go get ready.

- Alright, no worries, boss.

I'm going, alright.

- And hurry.

- [Pervo] Alright.

(rock music)

* I didn't take my
M-E-D-I-C-I-N-E medicine *

* I didn't take my
M-E-D-I-C-I-N-E medicine *

* I didn't take my
M-E-D-I-C-I-N-E medicine *

- There's your drinks, enjoy.

I've been told to fuck off now.

- Aye, go on then, fuck off.

(laughing)

What?

Fuck off. What's he laughing at?

Fucking hell.

- Nuttier than
a squirrel shit, him.

- [Pervo]
Fuck looks like a French waiter.

Jesus Christ.

What are these
drinks like anyway?

What, are you
getting water again?

- [Boris] I am.

- Let yourself go, man,
let your hair down.

Get a shandy down you.

So what's the crack? I mean,
who's this Bertie Dumble fella?

- Apparently he's a big fan
of yours, and he's loaded,

so you can press him.

- He's rich, oh, aye.

- [Kat] So you need
to impress this one.

- I will do, no worries.

- Oh is that--
Is that fucking Dikki Lixx.

Fucking Dikki Lixx,
he's fucking everywhere I go.

Who's this guy next to him?
Look at the clip of him.

Hey, come here.
You think that's Bertie like?

- [Kat] Probably.

- [Bertie] Aha,
there you are, old bean!

- Alright.

- How you doing, how you doing?

You must be Pervo, eh.

- I am, yeah. Who are you?

- I'm Bertie.

- You are Bertie!

- I'm Bertie Dumble.

- Alright, Bertie man.

- At your service.

(laughing)

- This is Kat.
- Hello Kat.

- This is Kat,
my personal assistant.

- Lovely to meet you.
- This is Boris.

- Ah, Boris.

- Boris, Boris Tinkle.
- Lovely to meet you too.

You have a woman's hands, sir.

(laughing)

Well what do you think,
eh, what do you think?

- Yeah, mental.

- Shithole, eh. Well I'm gonna
get it done over here now.

I'm an absolute rich bastard.

- Okay, calm down, son, come on.

- More drinks, I say!

- [Svetlana] Pervo's left.

- Dammit, where did he go?

- They don't know.
They just complain
he take big shit

and block toilet.

- Fuck, we missed him 'cause
you lot took too fucking long

to get ready.

Fuck!

Let's just go.

(car screeching)

(techno music)

- He's a good shag, I've heard.

(laughing)

Anyway, you, my darling,
have got a party Saturday

for you, eh.

- What, a party for me?

- Absolutely, darling.

- Oh, that's mad.

- 'Cause you're
so fucking great.

- Well I am, aren't I?

At least someone fucking
knows how great I am.

(laughing)

- And it's my place,
and it's for you you, see.

- So a party for me on Saturday.

- Yes,
'cause I'm so bloody rich.

So I keep telling you
how rich I am.

Very fucking.
You come to the party
and I'll make sure

you have
the most bestest time...

- Can you get lots of women?
- ...in your fucking life.

The most titties you've
ever seen in your whole life.

- Brilliant.

- Absolutely swarming.

- Wall to wall.

- Wall to wall tits.

- It's a titty heaven.

- [Cuthbert] A titty fest.

- A titty fest.

Oh, come on.

- And you'll be the
biggest tit there.

- Right, come on guys, anyway.

Oh, dear.

We need to go.

- Yeah, well leave him then.

You'll sort--
Hey Cuth. Is it Cuth?

- [Cuthbert] I'll sort him out,
yeah yeah.

- [Pervo]
Can't wait for this party.

Sounds awesome.

I'm having these drinks, and
all.

- They bought it,
my little cream puff.

(laughing)

- Excellent.

Now get yourself home pronto.

I'm all wet and waiting for you.

- Mmm, I'm gonna be right there.
I'm coming now.

(maniacal laughing)

(shrieking)

- Please sign my CD, please.

- You're so good.

- Thank you.

(giggling)

- Can I just smell your hair?
I have to.

- Can't believe it's really him.

- Who's it to?

- Leanne.

Just wanna touch you.

- There you go, thank you.

- Oh, thank you so much.
- Thank you!

- Yes, sure.

Yes, you can.

Yes, sure.

- [Girl]
Oh, you've gotta post this.

- Nobody will believe this.

- [Girl] Send it to me.

- Why did we
have to get the bus?

Felt like a right wanker.

What happened to getting limos?

- You keep forgetting,
you're skint.

You keep spending all your
money on hookers and beans.

(girls giggling)

- [Girl] That's so nice.

- What's he doing?

- Thank you!

- [Girl] Bye, we love you, bye.

- What?

- You don't want my autograph?

- [All] No.

- Sorry.

- What you doing with him?

- He's a real man.
You're just a pervert.

- Ha, pervert.

- Pervert.

You were never good
enough to be in my band.

- Your band, my band.

And we're starting
a world tour next week.

With a bass player
who can actually play.

- Who's he think he is?

- Come on, man,
just leave it. Get inside.

- Anyway, is Dahlia coming
to this party tomorrow?

- Aye, she's on her way.

- You think
she's still pissed at us?

- Us?

You're the one
that keeps harassing her

and taking her clothes.

- I just borrow
a couple of her dresses.

- But you don't wash them,
do you?

- Don't know what
you're on about, man.

- The last one
had jizz all over it.

- I told her,
it was just an accident.

- It spelt Dahlia.

- Anyway, where's Kat?

- She's at another party.

- She's at another party?

Who she think she is?
I'm the rockstar.

- I'm not getting into this
with you again.

Get inside
and stay off that phone.

- What would I be
on the phones for?

(seductive music)

Oh, fucking hell.

What you wearing?

What?

With flippers and what?
You mean flippers and-

flippers and a gas mask?

Yes, oh, hang on,
that's got the spot, yeah.

Yeah, oh yeah, yeah,
that's a beauty.

Yeah, what's your fantasy, then?

What's yours?

What is it?

Is that possible?

Yeah yeah, that's fucking
making me rock hard that, yeah.

Are your nipples hard?

Can you keep a secret like?

Yeah, I've got this bodyguard,
right, he's called Boris.

Oh, he's fucking lush.

Got this gimp collar
I'd love to put it on Boris and,

you know, stroke his rectum.

I bet he's got a massive cock,
as well, I bet he has.

Oh, look at this cock.

Yeah, mine's massive, as well.

I bet we could have
a cock fight, you know,
me and Boris.

I bet he has got
a big cock, you know.

Well yeah, Boris' cock,
oh, I'd love that up my arse.

- That's the boy.

That's what I'm talking about.

(thumping through walls)

Will you shut
your fucking noise?

- [Pervo] Oh, come on.

- Fuck this.

What the fuck you doing?

- [Pervo] Hello.

- Hello?

You best open this door.

What you fucking doing?

- Sleeping.

- Sleeping, it sounds like it.

What's all that noise?

- It's nowt to do with me.

- [Boris] What's all
the banging on the walls?

- It's the wall.

- It's the wall.

- It's haunted.

- It's haunted.
The walls are haunted.

- Aye.

- If you don't wrap it in
I'll be haunting you.

You sleep in that make up,
anyway?

- Yeah, course I do.

Never comes off.

- Summat wrong with your mind.

- Boris.

Boris, Boris, Boris Tinkler.

* Boris Tinkler

* Loves his winkler

* Boris

Boris!

Boris!

- Oh, what the fuck is he doing?

- [Pervo] Boris!

- Fucking shut up.

- [Pervo] Boris!

Boris, come and pack
me fucking bags, will you.

- Fucking clowns.

Not even funny, anyway.
Prick.

- [Pervo] Boris!

- Will you fucking shut up?
Jesus.

Fucking white-faced
black-nosed dick.

- Boris!

Ah, fuck.

God, you bastard.

- Shut up!

- Fuck.

Aah, Jesus Christ, fucking.

Boris!

- I'm gonna kill him.

I'm gonna fucking stab him.

I'm gonna stab him.

- Fucking Boris!

Come and pack me fucking
bags will you, you bastard.

- Will you shut up, man?

Oh anyway, I know exactly
what I'll do to him.

- Come on, you fairy.

This fucking--

Boris!

Don't fucking try banging.

(banging on door)

Oh, fuck off.

Fuck offI What--

What?

What you fucking want?

Bastard.

(techno music)

- [Man] Pervo.

- [Pervo] Hello?

- [Man] Gonna get you.

(loud cracking)

- [Pervo] What was that?

(repeated cracking)

Ow, ow, ow, ow.

- [Man] Run Pervo, run.

Shit.

(romantic music)

(banging on door)

Get under the bed,
get under the bed.

- Who the hell are you?

What's going on?

- Fucking gunman outside.

- What you doing?
- There's a gunman outside.

- Get the hell out.
- There's a gunman out there.

- Get out.

- Fuck off! There's a gunman.

- What is wrong with you?

- Gunman, there's a gunman.

What you doing, mad cow?

- Don't be crazy.
What you doing?

- There's a gunman out there.

- Oh, my God, I'm not
interrupting a wank

for someone like you.

(shouting and screaming)

What the hell is wrong with you?

- There's a gunman.

Fuck, fuck.

- For God's sake, get off.

(laughing)

- Don't touch the
bloody nose, man.

- Oh, you disgusting--

- Ow, you fucker.

- Get out.

- There's a gunman.

- Get the fuck--

- Fucking prick.

What's wrong with you?

- It's me arse.

- It's your arse.
What have you been doing?

- Someone shot me.

Yeah, in the corridor,
in my arse.

- You got shot in the corridor.
I thought you were sleeping.

- I was.

Last night in the corridor,
though, someone shot me.

- I'm not even gonna
ask about the dress.

Just get rid of it
and get yourself sorted.

The girls are just finishing off
their breakfast.

We've gotta go to that Bertie's.

Now crack on,
and stop fucking about.

- Yes, he was wearing
a dress this morning

when I went to wake him up,
and I swear it was one of yours.

- Not the black
and white polka dot one.

- Yes.

(laughing)

- Thieving little shit.

- Oh God, he's like a kid,
innit.

Except he thinks of his dick.

- That's a bit wrong.

- I've never known
anyone to be so obsessed

with boobs, though.

He'd have a pair
of his own if he could.

(laughing)

- I know I'm obsessed
with boobs, but I can't help it.

I mean, I've even thought
about getting implants.

How cool would that be?

Know you could, whoa,
feel yourself all day long.

- What kind of relationship
did you have with your mother?

- What you trying to say,
I shagged me own mam?

- No.

I don't mean that. I mean,

how did you get on
with your mother?

- Yeah it was fine, we had fun.

Brought up in the circus.

- Really?

Tell me, what's your
earliest memory you have

of your parents?

- Oh, little Sidney.

Doesn't he look cute?

- Oh, he's biting me.

- Is there room
for me on the other one?

- Thirsty boy, eh.

(loud squirting)

- Nah, canna think of any.

Honest, nothing.

- Five, four, three, two.

* Stick your butt in the air

* Stick your butt in the air

* Stick your butt in the air

* In the air

* In the air

* Stick your butt in the air

* Stick your butt in the air

- You know something.

This is fantastic.

(loud techno music)

* Stick your butt in the air

* Stick your butt in the air

* Stick your butt in the air

* In the air

* In the air

* Stick your butt in the air

* Stick your butt in the air

* Stick your butt in the air

* Stick your butt in the air

- Bertie Dumble, what do you
think you're doing?

- Eh, nothing.

- You're supposed to be
helping me get ready
for the party.

Anyway, I've just spoken to Kat

and she's expecting Cuth
to be with the Pervettes,

to go and collect Pervo
in an hour.

Bertie, you come with me.

Cuthbert, go and get ready.

And Mother, stay out of trouble.

* Stick your butt in the air

* Stick your butt in the air

* Stick your butt in the air

And tell that slag to fuck off.

(dramatic music)

- Why I am the only one working?

- Because out of
you three fuckwits

you were the only one
with what resembles a brain.

- Oh. (speaks foreign language)

- Come on, get up.

My turn.

- Oh wow, Zara, are your
boobs getting bigger?

- Yeah, getting bigger
all by themselves, Pandora.

- Wow.

- I've got something here.

Pervo's going
to a party tomorrow.

It's being hosted by
a guy called Bertie Dumble.

- [Zara] What do
we know about him?

- Mm, here, Bertie Dumble.
Ooh, millionaire.

He owns lots of nice clubs.

According to his Facebook page,
he describes himself as

eccentric, crazy
and unpredictable,

with a fondness for science.

- Okay, that's where
we're going tomorrow, then.

Now, make this good.

- Where's Kat and Dahlia?

They're supposed to wait on me,
not the other way 'round.

- Who do you think you are?

- What you mean?
It's me, Pervo.

- Oh, do I smell a threesome?

- No, you definitely do not.

- All I can smell is you.

It's like, lube and feet.

(laughing)

- So, I was gonna wear
my lovely polka dot dress

and then I couldn't find it.

Any suggestions, Sidney?

- Yeah, she's nicked it.

- No, the black and white one.

- Oh, right, eh.

Eh, no no. Have you seen it?

- [Boris] No.

- Anyway you, less of
the bloody Sidney, will you?

Less of the Sidney. It's Pervo.

Come on, party time.

- You're not coming with us.

- Eh, what you mean?

- Bertie insisted.

- [Pervo] How am I
gonna get there?

(bus horn blasting)

(shrieking excitedly)

- Pervo!

- [Pervo] Wahey!

- We're the Pervettes.

- Are you coming?

- Damn right, I am.

Wahey!

- Hello, Mr Clown.

- Fuck off.

(laughing)

- Ladies!

(cheering)

- [All] Pervo,
Pervo, Pervo, Pervo.

- I saved you a seat
up the back.

- Hey, wow, that's awesome.

Woo hoo!

- Well, that's him
taken care of.

- What, no limo?

- No management
won't give him any more credit.

(laughing)

- Well, I think there
should be enough in here

to infect all the Pervettes
on Pervo's coach.

- Ooh!

- Don't you,
my Bertie bossy bear?

- Ooh!

Yes, my little tit bag.
There's gonna be
zombies everywhere.

(laughing)

- Oh, I'm excited.

- Yeah, it should be good.

(laughing and giggling)

(alarm chiming)

- Ooh, there's somebody
at the door.

Hello.

- Yeah, hi, it's Boris
with Kat and Dahlia.

- Ah, Boris, gorgeous.

Yes, just drive in.
I'll open the gate.

Ha ha.

Guess what.

- What, my darling?

- Pervo's minions have arrived.

- Oh, that's brilliant.

Pervo will soon be here
in the Pervette coach.

You better go and meet him.

- Better spray ourselves,
first, though.

- Okay.

(laughing)

- Goodbye, my lovely darling.

- Will you lot fucking hurry up?

- When you gonna learn
how to speak English?

- Why don't you both
just stop complaining

and learn how to speak Russian?

- You know what it is.
It's always the same with you.

You don't understand--

(talking over each other)

- Stop bloody
bickering and strap in.

(sighing deeply)

We've got a clown to kill.

- Pervo!

- Bertie man, how you doing?

- Alright, old bean.

- What are these girls about?
They're fucking gorgeous.

- Oh, wait till you see
the ones inside, matey.

- What, you got more?

- Absolutely. Hordes of them.

- What about these?
I wanna shag them.

- Oh Cuthbert'll sort them out.

Don't you worry.
You'll see 'em again.

- Cuthbert's gonna
sort them out?
I wanna sort them out.

Where's-where's the boobs?
Down here?

Boobs, I want boobs!

(whistling gently)

Where's the boobs, then?

- Well I'm sure that big nose
of yours can sniff them out.

(laughing)

- Wahey, boobs!

(giggling)

Where's this hot tub
he was on about?

Ha ha, oh yes.

- Ooh.

Aah.

- Oh, look at that.

Oh, after all,
gonna see some boobs.

Come on.

(giggling)

- Who the fuck are you?

- Do you need a hand with that?

- No, not off you, you creep.

- I'll pay you.

- Make it quick.

- Hey, hey, hey.

- Ow! I's not meant
to go in there.

- [Pervo] Oh it does, trust me.

- [Girl] Oh.

- [Pervo] Oh, Boris.

- [Girl] Boris?

- Now do come in. Do come in.

Hello.

Hello, man.

Before you enter
my big palace of boobs,

you must give me your phones.

- Why?

- Because in my world,
to enjoy ourselves

as much as me,
you must take yourself away

from naughty
little distractions.

(giggling)

- Hi, I'm Susie.

- Don't worry, don't worry,
you'll get them back.

Don't you worry.

You'll be having so much fun

you won't even
realize they're gone.

(laughing)

What?

Where's Pervo, I hear you say.

Who knows, eh?

- Alright gang, I've found ya!

- Easy, old scallywag.

- Em!

- Bald, love it.

Sorry, what-- Who are you?

- Phone in.

- I haven't got a phone.
She's got my phone.

- Top on.

- Pants off.

- Or you're not going in.

- [Kat] Top on, come on.

- Come on, you and me.

(rock music)

* The road stretches out ahead

* Think it's straight
until I'm nearly there *

* Don't know what's
around the next corner *

* They made the sound
again to come warn you *

* Well I just wanna
go the extra mile *

* I just wanna go out in style

* You drive me insane

* I ain't ever gonna
be the same *

- Now this is my kinda party.

- Fucking 'ell.

(laughing)

Look at the tits.

- There's fanny, too.

All for you, darling.

- For me.

* Don't wanna spin
out of control *

* But I don't wanna
do half of the whole *

* Well I just wanna
go the extra mile *

* I just wanna go out in style

* You drive me insane

* I ain't ever gonna
be the same *

* Zero to 60

* In insanity

Look at these girls, man.

- Wow, this is amazing.

- Fucking right, it is.

- We've got a zoo too, you know.

- Got a zoo?

- [Bertie] Absolutely.

- What's in it?

- Boobs, baby.
- Boobs?

- Yeah space hopper boobs.

- How, how many boobs?

You got 'em running wild, like?

- As many as you like.

- Can we go there now?

- No, we can't go there now.

I've got to go and turn it on.

But you get in there,
have a good old mingle about.

Come on girls, Pervo's coming.

Woo!

- Look, they've turned up.
This is actually gonna happen.

- Oh, it's all going
to plan, my little--

(laughing)

- Well Susie's taken out
the punch to Uncle Cuthbert.

So he should be giving it
to the Pervettes now.

- Does Cuthbert know
it's infected, though?

- Oh, of course.

- Ah, what about Susie?

(laughing)

You are a little evil tinker,
aren't you?

(maniacal laughing)

Owee.

(excited chattering)

- Come on, girls,
get your drinks.

Lovely punch here.

Get it before the party.
Do you world of good.

(chatter)

Come on, punch.
One for you, me dear, enjoy.

Eh, oops! Room for a little one.

Excellent.

Come on girls,
enjoy your drinks, drink up--

(growling)

Oh, shit.

I think I'd better go.

(screaming and shrieking)

- Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to

the wet t-shirt competition.

(loud cheering)

Come on!

Fucking tits on these.
Fucking--

Get 'em out, out, out.

Out, out, out.

Have it, come on.

Aw fucking awesome,
look at that.

Fucking hell, look at that.

Fucking awesome.

Eh, come on, eh, titties.

Show us the titties.

Fucking come on.

Wanna see the nipples.

Nipples.

(shouting and cheering)

Come on, you can have it.

That's the way. Fuck yeah!

Fucking awesome.

Nipples like midget's thumbs.

Come on,
nipples like midget's thumbs.

Eh, Pervo magic.

Eh, come on, eh.

Come on, you fuckers, eh.

You.

(laughing)

- Captain Cuth rules!

Shit.

Forgot to spray Pervo.

Ah fuck it.

Cheers to you all,
yah bunch of bastards.

Shit.

(coughing)

(screaming)

- Oh, what's he done?

- What a nincompoop.

What do we do now?

- Nothing. We stick to the plan.

He was a liability, anyway.

- Okay.

Well I better get up
to the party, then.

Gonna come?

- No, I'm gonna stay
and play with my new toys.

- That's mine.

- Uh-uh.

(giggling)

(rock music)

- Fucking titty heaven.

- You're sick.

- Hey, Pervo.

- What you doing with him?

He's fucking skint
as well, you know.

- No, he's not.

- No, haven't you heard?

We've just signed
an amazing new record deal,

and Kat's our new PA.

- So that's the game, is it?

You dropped me for him.

That dickhead.

- I'm sorry Pervo.
There's just no money
in you anymore.

- I'm gonna be fucking massive.

I thought you're going
on that world tour

or something, anyway.

- I am.

A proper tour,
with Dikki and Iron Kidney.

Where you going?

- I'm going to shag
meself to death

with them fucking Pervettes.

- Leave him, leave him.

- But I feel sorry for him.

- He's alright.

Besides, what am
I supposed to do?
I need to make a living.

I certainly wasn't doing
that through him, was I?

- Yeah, fuck him, man.

- [Dikki] Yeah, fuck him.

- Kat and Dikki fucking Lixx.

Where's them fucking girls?
I'm gonna fuck them senseless.

(heavy rock music)

(audience applauding
and cheering)

- Ladies and gentlemen,
please put your hands together

for Spit Like This.

- Ah, that way.

- Ladies and gentlemen,
thank you very much for coming

to the party.

(audience cheering
and applauding)

Now some of you may know
our next special guest.

But don't touch his nose.

(laughing)

He's a man of great depth...

- There it is. Hey, hey, boobs.

- ...and great courage.

- Girls!

Girls!

Girls, it's me.

Come on, let us in, girls.

Wahey!

Oh, fuck.

(growling and hissing)

Ah, tits tits.

Fuck this.

(growling and screaming)

- Give it up
for Pervo the Clown.

(rock music)

(shouting)

(audience applauding
and cheering)

(screaming)

(growling)

- Come on, get out.

- Shut the door.

- Thanks, Pervo.

- Yeah, well,
still don't bloody like you.

Just as well, you're hot.

What's up with you?

- Fucking blood, man.

What the fuck is that?

- What? It reminds me of Sugar.

- A big fucking pink pig?

- Yeah, she's gonna be
my future wife, man.

- Fucking idiot.

- What you doing?
There's zombies in there.

Oh, here she is.

- [Dikki] Zombies! Ah, ah!

- Oh Dikki Fucking Lixx.
What've you brought him for?

- Come on, let's just go.

- Well, I can't run
in these things.

(farting)

(tense music)

(screaming)

- What the hell is that?

- I don't know.

- That doesn't sound like
happy screaming to me.

- I don't care.

Pervo's in there
and we're gonna find him.

- But I don't like guns.

- Guns are great.

Back home in Russia--

Okay okay, no Russia.

- Right, let's go.

- I'm not comfy in these shoes.

- I didn't bring
any other shoes.

- Oh I don't care.
And lose the fucking hat.

- This is brilliant.

- Oh, kill him, kill him,
kill him.

- Bite his face off.

(maniacal laughing)

Hang on. Who are those bastards?

- Oh I don't know,
but they look delicious.

Good enough to eat.

- We've had zombie babes,
and now fresh totty.

(maniacal laughing)

All this excitement's
getting me horny,

my little pudding fart.

- Oh, me too, love pump.

- I'm gonna do you
over the table, right now.

- Oh, yeah.

- Oh, yes I am.

(growling)

- Who's this crazy bitch?

(screaming)

- Get her off of me.

(loud splattering)

Get off me.

- Kill her.

What the hell's going on?

- They're just
like the cult girls

that were poisoned
in the massacre.

- Well, if the film's
to be believed

and they've got
the same infection,

then they could infect us.

- So, are we in a movie now?

- No, we are not in a movie.

What is the matter with you?

- But you've just
killed two people.

Why would you do that
if we're not in a movie?

- Because they were
trying to kill us.

- [Pandora] Like in the movie?

- Yes, like in the movie,
but we're not in a movie.

Get that through
your thick head.

There are zombie women
running around everywhere

trying to bite people,
and we'll kill them all

if we have to.

We're gonna get that clown,
zombies or no zombies, right?

- Da.

(tense music)

- [Pervo] Come on.

Zombies coming.

- Aah!

- [Sugar] Dikki.

- Bloody leave him, man.

Oh fucking leave him.
He's in a trap, man.

- [Dikki] Help, help, help me!

(snarling and growling)

Ah!

- Fuck you, Dikki.

Fuck you.

(screaming slowly)

Fucking zombies.

- Take it like a preacher.

Dirty Bumble.

- It's Bertie.

- Dirty today.

Wait.

They're getting away.

Oh God, we've got
to go after them.

Come on, come with me,
come with me.

- [Pervo] Fuck, get in.

- Where did all the crazy
zombie women come from?

- They were on the fucking bus.

- On the bus?

- Just a zombie
day out, I suppose.

- I don't know, but the
Pervettes are all zombies.

- Well, how did that happen?

- I don't know,
but they're zombies.

- You thought the best
way to get rid of them

would be to bring them back
to party full of people.

- I didn't think 'cause I'm
getting chased by zombies.

- Why would you? You're just
a village fucking idiot.

- Why didn't you save Dikki?

You coulda helped him.

- Why didn't I help him?
Well why do you think?

'Cause he's a fucking dickhead.

- Enough!

You've had your 15 minutes.

She's left you, and what?
And you!

You only knew Dikki
for what, 10 minutes?

- It was true love, though.

- It was lust, not love.
It'll pass, trust me.

- Me dad used to always say,
"Love is like a fart.

If you've got to force it,
it's obviously just shit."

- Actually talking shit,
just come and wipe my arse.

- No, thanks. I don't want
a boyfriend who's skint

and with a tiny dick.

- Tiny? It's fucking massive.

I've got a cock
like a baby's arm.

- Oh, my God,
we're all gonna die.

- No we're not.
We just need to make a plan.

(loud growling and screaming)

- Unless he's got
40 grand on him, yeah.

- But can't we just go home?
These shoes are hurting me.

- Well, you shouldn't
have fucking worn
them, then, should you?

Look, it was you three
who got us into this mess,

so don't you dare try
and wimp out on me now.

- We're not trying to wimp out.

- Well, come on, then.

(tense music)

Prove yourself. Kill her.

Do it.

If you're gonna help me
get Pervo, then killing one lame

fucking zombie shouldn't
be too much of a problem.

(techno music)

That was more like it.

Svetlana, finish her.

(loud splattering)

Check you out.

Right, let's go and get
that dumb arse clown.

* Clowny-wownee
pudding and pie *

* Kissed the girls
and made them cry *

* When the boys
came out to play *

- Mother, you will wait here

till we come back and
get you, won't you?

- I'm not going anywhere.
I'm playing.

- Okay.

- Oh, can I play?

- No, we've got a clown to kill.

- I wanna play.

(laughing)

* Clownee-wownee run away

(screaming)

(growling)

- Be vewwy vewwy quiet.

We hunting wombies.

- No.

We need them alive so that
they can kill everybody else.

(screeching)

Oh, Bertie!

Bertie Dumble, come here.
Did I tell you
you could kill her?

Oh, anyway, we need to
go find Pervo. So go.

- Mm-mm.

- Go!

(growling)

Bertie Dumble, I told you
not to shoot that woman.

- But she was gonna
bloody gobble us up.

- No, she wasn't.
- She was.

- Don't be so ridiculous.

- She was.
I won't do it again, I promise.

Wah!

(repeated gunfire)

- You just did it again.

- Ah, no, I didn't.

- Oh my God, Bertie,
I want a go.

(growling)

There's one.

Yeah!

(laughing)

Let's go.

- I've never seen so much blood.

- Come on ladies,
let's check the gardens again.

(screaming)

- Okay, my idea is this.

There's too many of them.
If we go outside we're dead.

So we let them
in the caravan one by one

and we kill 'em one at a time.

- Yeah, let's do it.

- Thought you were supposed
to be the brainy one.

What's to say if we
don't let them in,

they don't kill us all.

- Well, it's a risk
we have to take.

And besides, I hate caravans.

I just wanna get out asap.

- There's got to
be summat in here

we can use for weapons.

- Guys, what about these?

(shouting)

- I'm guessing Pervo's
in that caravan.

- Can I look?

- No.

- Why not?
You always get to look.

- 'Cause I'm sure you'd
find a way to fuck it up.

(tense music)

- [Kat] Open the door.

(growling)

What about the plan?

- [Pervo] Fuck off.

(growling)

(screaming)

When in doubt,
get it in the clout.

Boris, Boris, find the fanny.

(growling)

(loud clanging)

(loud splattering)

Boris, Boris!

Look at these knockers.

Oh, come on, get a bit of
motorboating going there, girl.

Come on, put your back into it.

Oh, ha ha.

Boris, I've had enough now.

Boris, man,
give us a hand, will yah?

For fuck's sake,
man, watch me nose.

Fucking hell.

- Have you got a hard on?

- Course, I have.

- Dirty bastard.

- You want a bit of it, like.

- Piss off.

(growling)

- Oh fucking hell, guys.
Man, there's more of 'em.

Come on, in the caravan.

Fucking let us in,
you daft bitches.

They fucking locked the door.

- Fuck this, come on.

- I'm guessing Uncle Cuthbert
didn't spray Pervo.

- Well, don't look at me.
Cuthbert's the liability.

- Sit down.

They can wait a minute.

Anyway you, give us a kiss.

All this killing's
making me horny.

- They're getting away.

- They'll be back.
They need to save the girls.

- Because I've only
got a few rounds left

and I don't want
to risk missing.

Besides, I want
to talk to him first.

(humorous music)

(repeated thumping)

- [Boris]
What the fuck you doing?

(loud growling)

- Come on, you zombie tarts.

Open the door, bitch.

- Who you calling
a fucking bitch?

- [Pervo] Find the fucking
light switch, then.

The light switch, you daft twat,
not my fucking balls.

- [Boris] Oh, sorry, mate.

- [Pervo] Fucking, come on.

- [Boris] Man, here it is.

(laughing)

- What's this?

- Some sort of
fucked up (indistinct), man.

- Well, they're not
gonna help us kill

the fucking zombies, are they?

Hey come on,
let's see what's under here,

might be a fucking
tank or summat.

Fucking really is
Christmas, isn't it?

- Yeah, yeah.

- I'm driving.

- No way.

- Why not?

- I've seen your driving.

(engine revving)

- Come on, bring 'em on Boris,
come on.

- Mm, Pervo makes me moist.

- He's mine.

- Says who?

- Shut up, all of you.

- Will you fuck off
your erection, man?

- Piss off, man.
You fucking wish.

Fucking are we, man, anyway?

- What, you? Fucking knob
drive better than you.

- Like, fuck man,
drive like old people, fuck.

- Yeah you'd know,
see I've heard you, aye,

down the fucking bingo halls
every fucking week...

- [Boris] Bollocks man I've seen
your fucking videos.
- looking for them old fucking--

Fuck off.

- [Boris] 60 plus and gagging.

- Fuck off.

- Horrible cunt.

- [Boris] What you
fucking doing, man?

- It's a fucking
zombie head under it.

Fucking, hang on.

Fuck it.

Oh fucking,
the mouth's slammed, anyway.
Fuck it.

- Come on, man.

- Get me cock in it.

Give us the fucking axe, man.

- Fucking piece of shit, anyway.

Fucking slow as fuck.

- Could fucking crawl
faster than that.

Whose idea was it
to get on that, anyway?

- Fucking yours.

- Fuck.

Hey hey, come on,
we'll take these--

- Who the fuck's this?

(growling)

(loud thumping)

Have this in your fucking fanny.

Go on, get down.

(loud splattering)

Fucking head off, come on.

(repeated thumping)

Chop, chop, chop, chop, chop.

Fuck off, I'm chopping.

- Was he good?

In the sack.

- Why do you think
I didn't charge him?

- Because you're
a fucking idiot.

(laughing)

(growling)

(screaming)

(repeated thumping)

- [Boris] Hit the cunt.

- I am hitting him.

- Hit him.

- Fucking move, man.

- Hang on.

I always wanted
to be a fucking whaler.

Fucking whaler, eh.

- What the fuck you doing?

- See, I never fucking
liked you, did I?

And this is what you get
when you mess with

Pervo and the Tinkler.

You fucking fat whale.

- Whoa, man, he's dead.

- Oh, look at that, eh,
you fat fucking bastard.

- Hey man,
leave him a bit of dignity.

(Pervo shouting)

What you taking
his pants off for?

- [Pervo] Go on, Free Willy.

Come on, let's get 'em out.

- Fuck this, man.

You're weird.

- Oh, look at that
eh, look at it.

Boris you got any wet wipes.

- There's a tap here.
You wanna wash that fat bloke

off your hands?

- Aye, gan on, then.

- The fuck are you looking at?

(rock music)

(groaning)

What you doing?

Have you just shot your muck?
You dirty bastard.

Fucking get away,
you horrible fucker, piss off.

- Sick of all this walking.

Come here, give us a piggy back.

- Get off.

- Alright, calm down.

Bloody Village People reject.

- Piss off.

(growling)

- It's a zombie.

It's a midget zombie.

- It's not a midget,
it's a kid.
What you doing?

- [Pervo] Kill it.

- I'm not killing a kid.

- Just kill him.

- You kill it.

- Oh, there's more of them!
Away!

(screaming and growling)

- Right.
- That was close.

- What's wrong with you?

- What?

- Grabbing her boobs.

There's kids in there.

Have you got no shame?

- No.

- Come on, let's go
and find Kat and Dahlia.

- Aye, it's a gorgeous day,
innit?

- Aye, it's not bad like.

Get off.

(laughing)

What's the crack
with locking us out the caravan?

- We'd no choice.

- I can understand him,
but what have I done?

- Sorry.

- You were in there
having a bit of

girl on girl, weren't you?

- Is that all you think about?

- Yeah, it is.

- Now we get Pervo.

- Come on, we need a plan.
We need to get out of here.

- Why can't we have
a foursome first?

- Did somebody say foursome?

- What's the crack
with all these zombies?

- Zombies, where?

Oh, yes.

- What's the crack
with all these guns?

(screaming)

- For fuck's sake.

(laughing)

- What the fuck?

- Come on, Pervo.

- Come on then, eh,
come on Queensberry rules.

- It's a loaded weapon,
you pansy.

- I don't care, come on.

(gunshot)

Fucking shot me nose out.

(maniacal laughing)

Boris.

- [Boris] Yeah.

- [Pervo] If we get the loop.

Get amongst it, man.

- Wakey wakey, Pervo.

(laughing)

- Boris, Boris!

- Eh, what?

What the fuck?

- I thought we were friends.

- Friends!

(loud thumping)

- Oh, ya fucker.

- Don't make me laugh.
You're pathetic.

We knew a simple lure of
some tits and arse at a party

would get you here.

- What, what've I done like?

- What've you done?

(loud thumping)

You killed
my whole fucking family,

that's what you did, you fuck.

(loud kicking)

- Oh ho, ho, ho, ha.

- Who are you, anyway?

Titty Longstockings?

- I'm Octavia Zander,
daughter of the famous

Henry Zander III.

- So were you in the cult then?

- It wasn't a cult,
it was a glorious paradise.

- Titty paradise.

- Ugh.

- So where were you?
I never saw you.

- Well out, obviously.

But anyway, this isn't about me,

there's someone
that wants to meet you.

- Brad Pitt.

(laughing)

- Oh, oh, oh,
it's my sexy clown man.

- For fuck's sake, get off.

Don't fucking touch the nose.

Told you about that last time.

- Ooh, ooh.

- You smell worse
than a dead trout.

- That's caviar to you.

- Don't you hurt
my sexy clown man,

you naughty, naughty boy.

- Oh, Mummy.

- You lot are mental.

- You still haven't said
what you want with us.

- We've got plans for Pervo.

- Oh, big plans, I see.

- Ugh.

- Right when they come out
I'm gonna shoot Bertie.

Then we can get Pervo.

(screaming)

(single gunshot)

- Come on then, snap 'em.

- Fucking trying.

- Well try fucking harder.

- You fucking do it.

- I've tried,
I fucking can't do it, man.

- Well fucking try.

- I have tried.

- Try again.

(loud groaning)

(loud farting)

- Oh, that was a bad idea.
I think I've fucking
shit myself.

- Oh, fucking hell, man.

- I tell you,
it's gonna really stink.

Sorry, sorry.

(crying)

Oh, it wasn't that bad.

- Fucked up about Kat
getting shot, like.

- Fuck her.

- That's fucking nice, innit.

- Ah, fucking,
she's useless, man.

Didn't like her anyway.

She wouldn't let us shag her.
It's fucking useless.

- Fucking didn't like you.

- [Pervo] Ah, what,
she liked you, did she?

- Fucking lot better
than she liked you.

- Come on, snap it.

- [Boris] I'm trying.

- Well when you
gonna fucking do it?

I'm sick of waiting on you.

- I tell you what it is,
if I get out of this

I'm gonna fuck you up.

- You're as bad at snapping
a bit of fucking rope

as you are packing
my fucking bags.

- Shut the fuck up,
you stupid idiot clown.

- Ooh, what's up with you?

- I don't wanna die.

- What, and I do?

- Least you've got
that repellent shit on ya.

- And you really think
that's gonna work?

- Well, at least
we've got a chance.

He hasn't, has he?

- Oh, cheers.

Fucking idiots.

- [Pervo] So what,
half the fucking world's

fucking zombies, anyway.

- Ah, fucking
infecting the water.

What type of fucked up
plan is that?

- You're gonna be right,
man, you'll be alright.

Don't worry about it.

- This is not how my life
was supposed to be.

Doing that zombie film was
supposed to be the start of it,

not the end.

How stupid do you have to be
to do Zombie Women of Satan?

- Well, we all do stupid things,
don't we?

I took a job with this wanker.

- You fucking love it.
Don't try and pretend you don't.

I know you do, I've seen you.

You love it.

I've seen the way
you look at me.

- [Boris] I've seen
the way you look at me, mate.

- Okay, girls, let's go.

- You fucking love it.

Don't try and give me that shit.

- I knew I should've took
that job with Susan Boyle.

Oh, what the fuck now?

- Oh, it's the zombies Boris,
eh.

Let's see if it works.

Can I have a bet?
Five quid says it does,

five quid.
- Shut up.

- Oh, alright, Zara, heh heh.

- Yeah, Pervo, oh shit.

Payback time.

You thought you could steal
money from the Bad Habits

and get away with it?

I don't fucking think so.

(hissing)

You lot are fucking useless.

Pandora, go and keep
an eye out for zombies.

- Uh, why me?

- Because if they come
over here, I want them

to kill you first.

- Fuck's sake.

(growling)

(screaming)

- Oh, fuck.

- I'm offski.

- Boris!

Who's gonna pack me fucking
bags now, you selfish twat?

Boris!

- Hello, hello.

Let me out, let me out.

Don't leave me.

Girls.

(loud growling)

Oh, shit.

(screaming)

- Oh, poor little Boris.

- He was 10 times
the man you'll ever be.

Fucker.

Come on, untie us.
I'm sick of this.

Get us up.

- I will but only if you agree
to stand beside Mother

as King Pervo.

- Yes, I'll be King Pervo.

- First you need to consummate
the relationship with Mother.

- What? I've got
to cook with her?

- No, you idiot, it means
have sex with Mother.

- What, have sex
with your fucking Mother?

- Okay.

(maniacal laughing)

- Fuck off.

(laughing)

- Oh, mighty Evil One.

We ask you to witness
this clown's body

and to join his soul with mine,

for he is the one
who truly belongs to me.

- What you doing?

You lot are mental.

- Along...
- Jesus Christ.

- ...with my own...

- [Pervo] Cuckoo.

- ...I give you the offering
of this man's blood.

All I ask, oh Desolate One,

is that you give this clown
to me in the underworld,

so we may spend the rest
of eternity together.

- Think yourself lucky.

Mother wanted you
to be King of England,

and I wanted to rip
your fucking head off.

So me and Mother
came to a compromise.

You will be King, but you're
gonna be a zombie king.

- Someone help me.

Help.

Boris!

Oh fuck, he's a zombie.

- Sexy clown man,
do you willingly
offer yourself...

- No.

- [Mother]
...to the Desolate One?

- 'Course I fucking don't.

Though, I'd rather the
Desolate One than you.

- Then I shall
take what is yours.

- Ow, you fucking bitch.

Oh, lick me, lick it, go on,
lick it good, you ginger bitch.

You sick fucking bastard.

- Now we shall be together,

for your sacrifice...

- Someone help us.

- ...followed by mine...

...will unite us forever.

- Mother, what are you doing?

- What you doing,
you stupid ginger fishwife?

Put the knife away, man.

(laughing)

She's fucking done it wrong.

- Did she just do the sacrifice
the wrong way 'round?

- Oh shut up, you bitch, die.

Fucking die.

- What you stabbed her for?

I know she was fucking useless,

but you didn't have to kill her.

- Oh, my God.

Mother!

Oh my God, she's dead.

- [Bertie] She--
No, she can't be.

- Oh my God, yeah.

- [Bertie] If she's dead,
then who's gonna be

queen of the zombies?

- Well I suppose we,
we're gonna still have to put

the virus in the water

and you and me could be King
and Queen of England.

Oh, yeah.

But first.

- [Pervo] Fuck off.

- Let's kill this ugly bastard.

- Well, can I have
a blow job first?

- Bloody hell, Bertie,
defend my honor.

- [Bertie] That's it.

- Fucking hate you.

- You've asked for it.

(maniacal laugh)

Die, Pervo.

(gunshot)

(screaming)

- Svetlana!

(growling)

(rapid gunfire)

Quick, Octavia's getting away.

- No!

Yes.

- Drive this, bitch.

- Oh, fuck.

(loud explosion)

- Am I glad to see you.

Heh heh, good shooting,
my Russian doll.

- No problem, baby.

- If you insist.

Oh, just untying me.

- I never wanted to kill you.

It was Zara who wanted you dead.

She has a hell of a temper.

- I bet she was
great in bed, too, eh.

(laughing)

Hey hey, no worries.

- But there is still the
matter of 40,000 pounds debt.

- Away.

- No, I'm only joking.

Now go and get your clothes on

and let's get
the fuck out of here.

- Well, me clothes
are in the shed,
when I was tied up.

Why don't you just
strip off too?

(laughing)

Okay, boss.

- Go and get your clothes.

- Okay.

Poor Dahlia, stuck up tart.

I never wanted
to shag you, anyway.

Fuck you.

Get me shag on
with that Svetlana.

Where's me clothes?

(tense music)

(gasping)

Oh, Boris.

Look at the state of you.

Shit.

This'll do.

Oh, not again.

Fuck's sake.

Fuck.

Sorry, big man.

(splattering)

Sorry, big man.

Boris.

I'm sorry.

(sad music)

Oh, Boris, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, big man.

Oh, fucking hell.

I didn't mean to get you.
Look.

Fucking, I didn't mean
to chop your cock.

You weren't a big man
after all, were you?

It doesn't matter,
I loved you anyway.
I loved you.

Boris.

We could've been
so good together.

We could've gone rambling.

Matching cagoules, anything.

(sniffing)

Oh you still smell
so sexy, as well.

Oh, your 'tache.

Oh, I wish I could've felt
that between me legs.

Oh, Boris.

I didn't mean it
to end like this.

Boris.

Oh, it's--

I'll never forget that smell.

I'm gonna take
your willy with us.

Yeah I'm gonna keep that
forever, to remember you by.

Right.

- Where've you been?

Killing zombies.

- Yeah.

- Let's see if anybody else's
left alive.

- Let me wash
this blood off first.

Oh, I needed that sleep.

- I can't believe
we're the only survivors.

- I can't believe
I killed Boris.

He was so gentle and protective.

Gonna miss him.

- Would you like a hug?

- That Russian bitch.

(screaming)

- Zombie!

- He's mine.

- I don't think
she was a zombie.

- No shit!

- Well, why did you
shoot her, then?

- Because you shouted zombie.

- Well, she was screaming
like all the others.

- Oh, fuck her.

- I did.

(laughing)

A few times.

Oh, she was great.

- Do you think
that I'm that easy?

- Yes.

- I'm warming to you.

Let's go find the car.

- Hey, cool car.

- It was Zara's,
but it's mine now.

- So now what?

- Well I'm taking over
the Bad Habits.

- Really?

- Yes, but you won't
be able to afford us.

- What?

- We'll cost more
and fuck harder.

Well maybe I'll give you
a few freebies.

- I like the sound of that, aye.

Hey, I remember her.

(screaming)

No hang on, hang on.

Look at her, ha ha.

Come on.

Look at her. She can't get me.

Ha ha.

Hey hey, look at me, hey hey.

Can't get me, ha ha ha.

- Just kill her, already.

- Oh, hang on, wait.

Wait.

(gunshot)

Oh, what you doing?

- Have some respect.

- Look at them.

Oh, going to waste.

- Come on.

- I wanted to shag
a zombie, though.

Look at this.

- That was Pandora's.

- Hey hey, awesome.

So, where now babe?

- I don't know.

Let's just see where
the Pervo magic take us.

- Hey hey.

Get amongst it.

(rock music)

* I sat and thought
of us tonight *

* And read some things
between the lines *

* We share a silent bond
of love *

* We shall be
friends until we die *

(gasping)

- Shit.

- [Male voice] Bertie Dumble.

You have been saved, my child.

(very tense music)

- Gooch of a griffin.

- The nipple of a porker.

- Arse of rabbit.

- Sweat of a ginger.

- Acting skills of
Daniel Radcliffe.

- The essence of
Thatcher's rabbit.

- Spaff of dragon.

- We beseech you, Dark Lord,

keeper of the seven
gates of hell,

accept this life
so that we can command

the essence of death.

(maniacal laughing)

(loud hissing)

(rock music)

* They came out of nowhere

* Covered in gore

* On a mission from Satan

* They're evil to the core

* Fucked up and crazy

* Eyes burning hate

* Bleeding all over

* They'll have your
head on a plate *

* It's all been
really calm now *

* It's all been
really calm now *

* They're really
fucking vicious *

* Wicked and malicious

* They wanna destroy

* And take a bite of me

* Calling for blood

* Looking for meat

* God forsaken heathen

* Don't turn up the heat

* It's all been
really calm now *

* It's all been
really calm now *

* Fuck your redemption

* All they do is kill

* Nothing's gonna stop them

* It's all for the thrill

* Beautiful body

(giggling)

- Hey Svetlana,
send some more women down.

Excellent.

Good stuff, this.

Free hookers and booze.

Let's get the film on.

I'll get my cock out,
eh, ladies?

- [Girl] Ooh, you've got
a cute little willy.

- [Pervo] Shut up.