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1
00:00:02,300 --> 00:00:05,300
Right. Night-night, Drew. How's that
loose tooth of yours?
2
00:00:05,300 --> 00:00:07,300
- Fine.
- Well, as soon as it comes out,
3
00:00:07,300 --> 00:00:09,300
we'll pop it under your pillow
for the tooth fairy.
4
00:00:09,300 --> 00:00:11,300
It'll still be there in the morning.
5
00:00:11,300 --> 00:00:13,300
There's no such thing as fairies.
6
00:00:13,300 --> 00:00:15,300
What did you just say?
7
00:00:15,300 --> 00:00:17,300
There are so such things
are fairies!
8
00:00:17,300 --> 00:00:18,300
How do you know?
9
00:00:18,300 --> 00:00:23,300
Because, when I open that
door at night to check you,
10
00:00:23,300 --> 00:00:27,300
they scatter all over the room,
when they fly off your face.
11
00:00:27,300 --> 00:00:29,300
My face?!
12
00:00:29,300 --> 00:00:32,300
Oh, no, not your face.
Beside your face.
13
00:00:32,300 --> 00:00:34,300
In your hair. They sleep in your
hair.
14
00:00:34,300 --> 00:00:37,300
- Fairies in my hair?!
- Oh, no, no! Well, not your hair!
15
00:00:37,300 --> 00:00:39,300
They're... they're...
They live under the bed!
16
00:00:39,300 --> 00:00:40,300
- They just...
- Under the bed! Ah!
17
00:00:40,300 --> 00:00:43,300
- They're not there all the time!
- All right! OK! All right, Drew!
18
00:00:43,300 --> 00:00:45,300
Good night. Come on, Enid Blyton!
19
00:00:45,300 --> 00:00:47,300
Oh...
20
00:00:47,300 --> 00:00:49,300
- I hate fairies!
- No, you don't.
21
00:00:52,300 --> 00:00:55,300
I know I'm meant to respect you, Dad,
but you don't make it easy.
22
00:00:55,300 --> 00:00:57,300
Fairies!
23
00:00:58,300 --> 00:01:01,300
Oh, my God. This is terrible.
This is terrible!
24
00:01:01,300 --> 00:01:03,300
They don't believe in fairies!
25
00:01:03,300 --> 00:01:05,300
They're gonna need
one of my little lessons.
26
00:01:05,300 --> 00:01:08,300
Oh, not like the little lesson you
gave them last Christmas.
27
00:01:08,300 --> 00:01:10,300
(OWL HOOTS)
28
00:01:13,300 --> 00:01:14,300
- (WIND HOWLS)
- (HE GRUNTS)
29
00:01:14,300 --> 00:01:15,300
Agh!
30
00:01:15,300 --> 00:01:17,300
Whoa-ooh!
31
00:01:20,300 --> 00:01:22,300
Merry Christmas!
32
00:01:22,300 --> 00:01:23,300
(CRASH!)
33
00:01:23,300 --> 00:01:27,300
Most children get to meet Santa in a
grotto. Ours met him in A&E
34
00:01:28,300 --> 00:01:31,300
? I think I'll rest a little more
35
00:01:31,300 --> 00:01:36,300
? Cos the noise in my head
keeps banging at the door
36
00:01:36,300 --> 00:01:38,300
? Something easy, I'll find hard
37
00:01:38,300 --> 00:01:43,300
? It's the man in me that keeps me
running scared
38
00:01:43,300 --> 00:01:47,300
? Cos your life spins round
like a merry-go-round
39
00:01:47,300 --> 00:01:51,300
? And you can't escape
from these ups and downs
40
00:01:51,300 --> 00:01:54,300
? Your dream's on hold
for this crazy world
41
00:01:54,300 --> 00:01:59,300
? But I wouldn't change a thing. ?
42
00:02:01,300 --> 00:02:02,300
Dylan!
43
00:02:02,300 --> 00:02:04,300
Oh...
44
00:02:04,300 --> 00:02:06,300
(HE BLOWS)
45
00:02:08,300 --> 00:02:09,300
Dylan!
46
00:02:09,300 --> 00:02:11,300
Come on, you're gonna be late.
47
00:02:11,300 --> 00:02:13,300
Dylan!
48
00:02:13,300 --> 00:02:14,300
OK, OK. What?
49
00:02:14,300 --> 00:02:17,300
You're gonna be late for school.
Where's your brother?
50
00:02:17,300 --> 00:02:18,300
He's in the downstairs loo.
51
00:02:18,300 --> 00:02:20,300
Oh! Drew!
52
00:02:20,300 --> 00:02:21,300
- DREW: What?
- (TOILET FLUSHES)
53
00:02:21,300 --> 00:02:23,300
You're gonna be late. Come on!
54
00:02:27,300 --> 00:02:29,300
Why did you need so long in the
loo?
55
00:02:29,300 --> 00:02:31,300
I was having an iPoo.
56
00:02:31,300 --> 00:02:35,300
An iPoo. I told you not to have
iPoos. Elaine. The iPoos?
57
00:02:35,300 --> 00:02:37,300
- Hmm?
- Drew, come on!
58
00:02:37,300 --> 00:02:39,300
What if I need an iPoo at school?
59
00:02:39,300 --> 00:02:40,740
Well, you can have a You-poo
instead!
60
00:02:41,300 --> 00:02:45,300
Now pull up your trousers and get to
school. Dylan, come on, school!
61
00:02:45,300 --> 00:02:46,300
(DYLAN SIGHS)
62
00:02:46,300 --> 00:02:47,300
God!
63
00:02:52,300 --> 00:02:53,300
Elaine!
64
00:02:53,300 --> 00:02:55,300
Did you see that?
65
00:02:55,300 --> 00:02:57,300
- Elaine?
- (FRONT DOOR SLAMS)
66
00:02:57,300 --> 00:02:58,300
Well, bye, Tom.
67
00:02:58,300 --> 00:03:01,300
Oh, I'm having a Kindle delivered
today, so can you make sure you're in?
68
00:03:01,300 --> 00:03:06,300
Oh, great, another gadget. Soon
you'll replace me with a gadget.
69
00:03:06,300 --> 00:03:09,300
I've already got a gadget
to replace you, love.
70
00:03:09,300 --> 00:03:10,300
See ya!
71
00:03:11,300 --> 00:03:12,300
(DOOR SLAMS)
72
00:03:12,300 --> 00:03:15,300
Oh... A little bash of this.
73
00:03:17,300 --> 00:03:18,300
Ooh...
74
00:03:18,300 --> 00:03:20,300
- What about ye?! (LAUGHS)
- Jesus!
75
00:03:20,300 --> 00:03:22,300
What are you doing up there, son?
76
00:03:22,300 --> 00:03:24,300
You're gonna need a wee shovel
for that.
77
00:03:24,300 --> 00:03:25,300
Oh, Roddy! Oh!
78
00:03:25,300 --> 00:03:27,300
What are you doing here?
Shouldn't you be in the pub?
79
00:03:27,300 --> 00:03:30,300
Oh, no, sure, don't worry
about it. Ralf's looking after it.
80
00:03:30,300 --> 00:03:31,300
Ralf?!
81
00:03:31,300 --> 00:03:33,300
Oh, aye, don't worry about that
there, fella.
82
00:03:33,300 --> 00:03:35,300
He's just back off holidays.
He needs the money.
83
00:03:35,300 --> 00:03:38,300
(BARKS AND SNARLS)
84
00:03:40,300 --> 00:03:42,300
What are you doing? Are you packing?
You're packing.
85
00:03:42,300 --> 00:03:44,300
- We're running away!
- No, we're not! No!
86
00:03:44,300 --> 00:03:46,300
We're all running away. Running away.
87
00:03:46,300 --> 00:03:49,300
Do you know something? Know something?
I've got a mate in the Congo, right?
88
00:03:49,300 --> 00:03:51,300
And we can just make him
make us disappear!
89
00:03:51,300 --> 00:03:52,300
What do we need?
We need some food. Food!
90
00:03:52,300 --> 00:03:54,300
- Pasta! Pasta.
- Roddy, no!
91
00:03:54,300 --> 00:03:56,300
Cos you can't get pasta
in the Congo.
92
00:03:56,300 --> 00:03:59,300
What about some ham? We can always
use some ham for the travelling.
93
00:03:59,300 --> 00:04:02,300
Another thing as well, we could get
a couple of Thai brides.
94
00:04:02,300 --> 00:04:05,300
We could get like, we could get like,
four wee ones or two big ones
95
00:04:05,300 --> 00:04:06,300
- or something like that.
- Roddy!
96
00:04:06,300 --> 00:04:08,300
- What? What?
- We're not running away.
97
00:04:08,300 --> 00:04:10,300
- We're not running away.
- No.
98
00:04:10,300 --> 00:04:12,300
I'm just collecting up a few
gadgets,
99
00:04:12,300 --> 00:04:14,300
cos I'm sick of the things
going on in this house
100
00:04:14,300 --> 00:04:17,300
and I'm gonna hide these gadgets from
the family for a little while.
101
00:04:17,300 --> 00:04:19,300
- What, all the gadgets?
- Yep.
102
00:04:19,300 --> 00:04:23,300
All of them! They're ruining the
kids' imaginations.
103
00:04:23,300 --> 00:04:26,300
Dylan and Drew were playing
hide-and-seek the other day
104
00:04:26,300 --> 00:04:28,300
and Dylan used the sat nav to find
Drew.
105
00:04:30,300 --> 00:04:33,300
Oh, and Drew is hooked on
iPoos.
106
00:04:33,300 --> 00:04:37,300
Elaine would rather make love to her
phone than me.
107
00:04:37,300 --> 00:04:39,300
It's probably because
of the vibrate button, son.
108
00:04:39,300 --> 00:04:41,300
Roddy!
109
00:04:41,300 --> 00:04:42,300
Take that.
110
00:04:42,300 --> 00:04:45,300
- (HE SIGHS)
- Do you know what we could do?
111
00:04:45,300 --> 00:04:47,300
We could bring all your stuff
down to my pub
112
00:04:47,300 --> 00:04:50,300
and it'd be safe down there.
I'd look after it for ya.
113
00:04:50,300 --> 00:04:51,300
Oh.
114
00:04:51,300 --> 00:04:53,300
- Yeah, I suppose that could be good.
- Yeah.
115
00:04:53,300 --> 00:04:55,300
But don't let anybody touch
the stuff.
116
00:04:55,300 --> 00:04:59,300
And don't sell it to anyone.
117
00:04:59,300 --> 00:05:01,300
Why would I sell that?
118
00:05:01,300 --> 00:05:05,300
- Say it.
- Of course I'm not gonna sell it.
119
00:05:16,300 --> 00:05:18,300
Happy days.
120
00:05:19,300 --> 00:05:21,300
- (RALF BARKS)
- One, two, one, two.
121
00:05:21,300 --> 00:05:24,300
- Hello. Lovely, lovely.
- (BARKING CONTINUES)
122
00:05:24,300 --> 00:05:25,300
(SAUSAGES SIZZLE)
123
00:05:25,300 --> 00:05:27,300
What's that, boy? Oh, lad!
124
00:05:27,300 --> 00:05:30,300
Got the doggy porn for you!
125
00:05:30,300 --> 00:05:34,300
Gentlemen! Roddy's Internet Cafe
is now open.
126
00:05:34,300 --> 00:05:36,300
Ha-ha!
127
00:05:37,300 --> 00:05:40,300
- MARY: Honest to God! Unbelievable.
- (DOOR SLAMS)
128
00:05:40,300 --> 00:05:42,300
Totally unbelievable! Hello, son.
129
00:05:42,300 --> 00:05:45,300
- Hiya, Mum.
- Guess what this eejit just did.
130
00:05:45,300 --> 00:05:47,300
I don't know, but you're gonna tell
me anyway?
131
00:05:47,300 --> 00:05:51,300
We got the bus over here today. This
woman gets off the bus with her kids,
132
00:05:51,300 --> 00:05:54,300
and your father decides to help
and lifts the kid off for her.
133
00:05:54,300 --> 00:05:57,300
- Well done, Dad.
- I thought she needed my help.
134
00:05:57,300 --> 00:05:59,300
Turns out the woman has
only two kids,
135
00:05:59,300 --> 00:06:01,300
but your father lifted a third
child off.
136
00:06:03,300 --> 00:06:05,300
- Who's that child?
- Nobody's.
137
00:06:05,300 --> 00:06:07,300
The third child wasn't a child.
138
00:06:07,300 --> 00:06:09,300
It was a little man!
139
00:06:10,300 --> 00:06:12,300
I was so embarrassed!
140
00:06:12,300 --> 00:06:16,300
How was I to know? Anyway, I lifted
him back on again.
141
00:06:16,300 --> 00:06:17,300
That only made it worse!
142
00:06:17,300 --> 00:06:21,300
No, it didn't! Sure, I'm meeting him
later for a pint.
143
00:06:30,300 --> 00:06:32,300
(DOOR CLOSES)
144
00:06:32,300 --> 00:06:36,300
RODDY: What about ye?! (LAUGHS) Tom,
a quick question now.
145
00:06:36,300 --> 00:06:38,300
The password to your iPad.
It's your date of birth, isn't it?
146
00:06:38,300 --> 00:06:40,300
Yeah.
147
00:06:41,300 --> 00:06:44,300
What is your dad doing? Look at him
spinning around like a dog in a basket.
148
00:06:44,300 --> 00:06:46,300
What's going on?
149
00:06:46,300 --> 00:06:48,300
I don't know. Is Dad OK, Mum?
150
00:06:48,300 --> 00:06:50,300
I'm not sure. He's very uneasy.
151
00:06:50,300 --> 00:06:53,300
- You're very uneasy, Pat.
- This isn't right.
152
00:06:53,300 --> 00:06:55,300
- What's not right?
- I don't know!
153
00:06:55,300 --> 00:06:57,300
The TV's gone.
154
00:06:57,300 --> 00:06:59,300
- The TV's gone.
- The TV's gone.
155
00:06:59,300 --> 00:07:00,300
- TV's gone.
- Yeah...
156
00:07:00,300 --> 00:07:02,300
Oh right, yeah, TV's gone.
157
00:07:02,300 --> 00:07:05,300
- Why is the TV gone?
- Yeah, you don't need a TV.
158
00:07:05,300 --> 00:07:07,300
You and Dad don't need a TV.
159
00:07:07,300 --> 00:07:10,300
It's not natural in this day and age
not to have a TV.
160
00:07:10,300 --> 00:07:13,300
Sure, what would I have to
look at if I didn't have a TV?
161
00:07:13,300 --> 00:07:14,300
Look at Mum.
162
00:07:24,300 --> 00:07:26,300
It's like he's never met me before.
163
00:07:27,300 --> 00:07:30,300
I think this is the longest I've ever
looked at your mother.
164
00:07:30,300 --> 00:07:32,300
Oh, look, they're gonna have a
conversation
165
00:07:32,300 --> 00:07:35,300
without going through
the television first.
166
00:07:35,300 --> 00:07:36,300
Good one, Tom.
167
00:07:36,300 --> 00:07:38,300
- Ah, no, this isn't right.
- No!
168
00:07:38,300 --> 00:07:39,300
Nearly, Tom, nearly!
169
00:07:39,300 --> 00:07:41,300
- Hi.
- Hi.
170
00:07:41,300 --> 00:07:43,300
- TOM: Oh, hi, kids.
- (DYLAN WALKS UPSTAIRS)
171
00:07:43,300 --> 00:07:45,300
Hi, Dylan, how was school?
172
00:07:45,300 --> 00:07:47,300
- (NO REPLY)
- Oh, great, thanks, good to know(!)
173
00:07:47,300 --> 00:07:50,300
Hiya, Dylan! And there's Drew.
174
00:07:50,300 --> 00:07:52,300
Hi, Gran.
175
00:07:52,300 --> 00:07:55,300
O... M... G!
176
00:07:55,300 --> 00:07:57,300
The TV's gone. Dad?
177
00:07:58,300 --> 00:08:01,300
Where are my X-Box,
laptop, Wii, Wii-U,
178
00:08:01,300 --> 00:08:04,300
Nintendo DS, PlayStation,
iPad and Nano?
179
00:08:04,300 --> 00:08:07,300
Jeez, Tom, go the whole nine yards and get
that wee lad a jet pack or something!
180
00:08:07,300 --> 00:08:10,300
- Dylan! The TV's gone.
- The TV's gone?
181
00:08:10,300 --> 00:08:13,300
No, look, me and Roddy, right...
182
00:08:13,300 --> 00:08:14,300
But mostly Tom.
183
00:08:14,300 --> 00:08:16,300
Yeah, we've just popped
the gadgets away for...
184
00:08:16,300 --> 00:08:18,300
- Mainly Tom.
- Yeah, mainly me,
185
00:08:18,300 --> 00:08:21,300
popped them away for a little
while. OK?
186
00:08:21,300 --> 00:08:23,300
We're gonna try a week
without any tech stuff,
187
00:08:23,300 --> 00:08:25,300
and I guarantee
your little lives will be better.
188
00:08:25,300 --> 00:08:27,300
Get those imaginations going
again.
189
00:08:27,300 --> 00:08:29,300
Can I use that old car tyre out
the back?
190
00:08:29,300 --> 00:08:31,300
Drew and I could use a stick
to push it along the road.
191
00:08:31,300 --> 00:08:33,300
Yes, yes, yes.
192
00:08:33,300 --> 00:08:36,300
Never! Epic fail!
193
00:08:36,300 --> 00:08:39,300
Have my stuff back in my
room in one hour!
194
00:08:39,300 --> 00:08:41,300
Oh, and I'll be taking this too.
195
00:08:41,300 --> 00:08:43,300
How will I stay in touch with my
friends?
196
00:08:43,300 --> 00:08:44,300
Try talking to them.
197
00:08:44,300 --> 00:08:46,300
Talk to them? With my mouth?
198
00:08:46,300 --> 00:08:48,300
My God, you are so yesterday!
199
00:08:51,300 --> 00:08:54,300
Oh, what are you angry about?
200
00:08:54,300 --> 00:08:57,300
How will I manage without my iPoos?
201
00:08:57,300 --> 00:08:59,300
Not very well I imagine, Father!
202
00:08:59,300 --> 00:09:03,300
Not... very... well!
203
00:09:06,300 --> 00:09:07,300
(DOOR SLAMS)
204
00:09:07,300 --> 00:09:09,300
In your day,
I wouldn't let you slam doors.
205
00:09:09,300 --> 00:09:11,300
We didn't have any, Mum, remember?
206
00:09:11,300 --> 00:09:13,300
Dad replaced them all.
207
00:09:13,300 --> 00:09:15,300
I couldn't stand all the banging.
208
00:09:15,300 --> 00:09:17,300
- # You spin me right round, baby...
# - I don't believe it!
209
00:09:17,300 --> 00:09:20,300
You said I could go.
It's not fair!
210
00:09:20,300 --> 00:09:23,300
I'll climb out the window.
That's how I'll get out.
211
00:09:23,300 --> 00:09:26,300
Oh! I hate living in this house!
212
00:09:26,300 --> 00:09:29,300
- I hate it! Agh!
- (DOORS SLAM BACK)
213
00:09:30,300 --> 00:09:32,300
Ah, I see you're still in training
214
00:09:32,300 --> 00:09:35,300
for the sitting on your arse
all day competition, Tom.
215
00:09:36,300 --> 00:09:38,300
(ELAINE SIGHS)
216
00:09:38,300 --> 00:09:41,300
- Why is there an empty space there?
- The TV's gone, Elaine.
217
00:09:41,300 --> 00:09:43,300
Where's my TV, Tom?
218
00:09:43,300 --> 00:09:46,300
Oh, I just thought there was too many
gadgets in this house, so...
219
00:09:46,300 --> 00:09:50,300
you know, I got rid of them.
For about a week.
220
00:09:50,300 --> 00:09:53,300
You know, so it'll be no to
technology
221
00:09:53,300 --> 00:09:56,300
and yes to funology.
222
00:09:56,300 --> 00:09:58,300
Yay!
223
00:09:59,300 --> 00:10:02,300
Yay.
224
00:10:02,300 --> 00:10:05,300
And, on that note,
we'd better head off, Mary.
225
00:10:05,300 --> 00:10:07,300
You need to watch yourself
in here now, Elaine.
226
00:10:07,300 --> 00:10:09,300
With no TV, no-one knows
where to sit.
227
00:10:11,300 --> 00:10:15,300
- Ah, stay a bit longer, Dad.
- Ah, you've got rid of the TV, son.
228
00:10:15,300 --> 00:10:16,300
There's nothing here for us now.
229
00:10:16,300 --> 00:10:18,300
Come on, Mary.
230
00:10:18,300 --> 00:10:20,300
Goodbye son.
231
00:10:20,300 --> 00:10:22,300
I'll try and visit you soon.
232
00:10:28,300 --> 00:10:32,300
(FRENCH ACCENT) Bon soir, my little
petit pois. Bon soir.
233
00:10:32,300 --> 00:10:34,300
If this has anything to do
with you, Roddy,
234
00:10:34,300 --> 00:10:37,300
I'll hang you up there by your knackers
and we'll watch you for the night.
235
00:10:37,300 --> 00:10:39,300
Oh, kinky. (LAUGHS)
236
00:10:42,300 --> 00:10:44,300
(BOTH SIGH)
237
00:10:46,300 --> 00:10:47,300
What are you doing, Drew?
238
00:10:47,300 --> 00:10:51,300
I'm going for a yo-yo poo,
cos Dad stopped my iPoos.
239
00:10:51,300 --> 00:10:55,300
Oh, Mum, please sort this out.
240
00:10:55,300 --> 00:10:57,300
Think of your children.
241
00:10:58,300 --> 00:11:00,300
I bid you a good evening.
242
00:11:04,300 --> 00:11:07,300
So, shall we have an early night?
243
00:11:07,300 --> 00:11:10,300
What? Ooh, I'll go have a wash.
244
00:11:10,300 --> 00:11:12,300
Oh, we can't.
245
00:11:12,300 --> 00:11:13,300
Why?
246
00:11:13,300 --> 00:11:16,300
Because, until that TV is safe and
sound back in this house,
247
00:11:16,300 --> 00:11:19,300
there will be no more
early nights for you.
248
00:11:19,300 --> 00:11:22,300
Oh, relax, the stuff's at Roddy's!
249
00:11:22,300 --> 00:11:25,300
- (HE GRUNTS)
- Our stuff is at Roddy's?!
250
00:11:25,300 --> 00:11:26,300
(MUFFLED) Yes.
251
00:11:26,300 --> 00:11:29,300
Is our stuff safe at Roddy's?
252
00:11:29,300 --> 00:11:31,300
(MUFFLED) Yes.
253
00:11:31,300 --> 00:11:33,300
- (MEN SHOUTING)
- (GLASS SMASHES)
254
00:11:44,300 --> 00:11:47,300
- Bye, love.
- Sort this.
255
00:11:47,300 --> 00:11:49,300
Just sort it.
256
00:11:51,300 --> 00:11:54,300
Here you go. School bag.
257
00:11:54,300 --> 00:11:55,300
Hug-a-roonies!
258
00:12:03,300 --> 00:12:06,300
Things are getting really
annoying around here, Tom.
259
00:12:06,300 --> 00:12:09,300
Oh, no, trust me, Elaine. Drew will
have soon forgotten all about his iPoos
260
00:12:09,300 --> 00:12:11,300
and I bet you Dylan's
in school right now,
261
00:12:11,300 --> 00:12:13,300
thanking me for taking his
phone off him.
262
00:12:13,300 --> 00:12:17,300
CHILDREN CHANT: Phoneless! Phoneless!
Phoneless! Phoneless!
263
00:12:17,300 --> 00:12:19,300
Phoneless! Phoneless!
264
00:12:19,300 --> 00:12:21,300
(JEERING)
265
00:12:21,300 --> 00:12:24,300
Sort it out, Tom, and talk to
the boys. They're not happy.
266
00:12:24,300 --> 00:12:28,300
Oh, they will be after school. I've got
a great thing set up in the garden
267
00:12:28,300 --> 00:12:30,300
that's going to be better
than any of those gadgets.
268
00:12:30,300 --> 00:12:32,300
OK, boys...
269
00:12:33,300 --> 00:12:36,300
As a man, or little chaps,
what you need...
270
00:12:36,300 --> 00:12:38,300
is a good stick.
271
00:12:38,300 --> 00:12:41,300
- Isn't that right, Roddy?
- Oh, yes. A good stick.
272
00:12:41,300 --> 00:12:44,300
- Yeah. There you go, OK?
- That's my favourite stick.
273
00:12:44,300 --> 00:12:46,300
Yeah, I know, probably use that one
for now.
274
00:12:46,300 --> 00:12:49,300
Ah, here are the sticks, boys.
There you go.
275
00:12:49,300 --> 00:12:51,300
One for you. One for you. Eh?
Huh?
276
00:12:51,300 --> 00:12:53,300
This is boring. I need my
phone back, Dad.
277
00:12:53,300 --> 00:12:56,300
Oh, come on, Dylan. Just try,
all right?
278
00:12:56,300 --> 00:12:58,300
So it's you and Drew
against me and Roddy, OK?
279
00:12:58,300 --> 00:13:00,300
- What are we doing?
- Er, war!
280
00:13:00,300 --> 00:13:03,300
- The sticks are guns, remember?
- What?
281
00:13:03,300 --> 00:13:04,300
But you're holding that wrong.
282
00:13:04,300 --> 00:13:07,300
That's the wrong way round and liable to
go off in your hand. Have it that way.
283
00:13:07,300 --> 00:13:10,300
I can't be holding it the wrong way
round. It's a stick.
284
00:13:10,300 --> 00:13:13,300
The sticks are guns, all right?
OK, ready, watch this, look.
285
00:13:13,300 --> 00:13:14,300
Machine gun, right?
Watch. Listen to this, right?
286
00:13:14,300 --> 00:13:17,300
Uh-hu-hu-hu! Hu-hu!
Uh-hu-hu-hu! Hu-hu!
287
00:13:17,300 --> 00:13:19,300
- Yeah, all right?
- DYLAN: No, no.
288
00:13:19,300 --> 00:13:21,300
Isn't it - drr-drr-drr-drr?
289
00:13:21,300 --> 00:13:23,300
- Er...
- DREW: Nah, nah, it's this.
290
00:13:23,300 --> 00:13:24,300
Brr-rr-rr-rr!
291
00:13:24,300 --> 00:13:28,300
That's not bad. It's not bad. Here, watch.
I'll shoot Roddy. I'll show you, right.
292
00:13:28,300 --> 00:13:30,300
We'll show with Roddy, OK?
Here we go. Ready?
293
00:13:30,300 --> 00:13:33,300
Uh-hu-hu-hu! Hu-hu! Uh-hu-hu-hu!
Hu-hu! OK, ready?
294
00:13:33,300 --> 00:13:35,300
Rocket launcher.
295
00:13:35,300 --> 00:13:37,300
Boom! All over the place!
296
00:13:37,300 --> 00:13:38,300
Yeah!
297
00:13:38,300 --> 00:13:40,300
- Light sabres!
- (RODDY LAUGHS)
298
00:13:40,300 --> 00:13:44,300
- Baseball bat!
- No, get...
299
00:13:44,300 --> 00:13:48,300
Tom, Tom! What are you doing? That's
not how you wage war.
300
00:13:48,300 --> 00:13:50,300
Where's your organisation?
Where's your strategy?
301
00:13:51,300 --> 00:13:53,300
Balloons!
302
00:13:53,300 --> 00:13:55,300
(# FRANKIE GOES TO
HOLLYWOOD: Two Tribes)
303
00:13:55,300 --> 00:13:57,300
(LAUGHS)
304
00:14:01,300 --> 00:14:04,300
Unleash hell, boys.
305
00:14:05,300 --> 00:14:10,300
? When two tribes go to war a point
is all that you can score
306
00:14:10,300 --> 00:14:14,300
- # Score no more, score no more... #
- TOM: Frisbee!
307
00:14:14,300 --> 00:14:19,300
- Frisbee!
- # ...a point is all that you can score!
308
00:14:19,300 --> 00:14:22,300
- # Workin' for the bad guys!
- # Cowboy number one
309
00:14:22,300 --> 00:14:27,300
- # A born again poor man's son... #
- We're out of balloons!
310
00:14:28,300 --> 00:14:32,300
It's OK. I've got this.
311
00:14:32,300 --> 00:14:37,300
Poo on a stick! Poo on a stick!
312
00:14:37,300 --> 00:14:40,300
Biological warfare! Retreat.
313
00:14:41,300 --> 00:14:46,300
Woo-hoo! Victory! Victory!
314
00:14:46,300 --> 00:14:48,300
- DYLAN: We did it, Dad.
- RODDY: Huh? Huh?
315
00:14:48,300 --> 00:14:50,300
- DYLAN: We won.
- Aw, let's do that again.
316
00:14:50,300 --> 00:14:53,300
Uh-huh. There's just one more thing,
boys.
317
00:14:53,300 --> 00:14:55,300
- What?
- There's one more thing.
318
00:14:55,300 --> 00:14:57,300
- Poo on a stick!
- (ALL YELL)
319
00:14:57,300 --> 00:14:59,300
- Poo on a stick!
- DREW: Agh! Agh!
320
00:14:59,300 --> 00:15:02,300
- Poo on a stick!
- (ALL YELL)
321
00:15:02,300 --> 00:15:04,300
On a stick! Poo on a stick!
322
00:15:04,300 --> 00:15:05,300
Agh!
323
00:15:07,300 --> 00:15:08,300
I'll leave you to that, Tom.
324
00:15:08,300 --> 00:15:10,300
Elaine!
325
00:15:10,300 --> 00:15:12,300
I'm sorry. I'm sorry!
326
00:15:12,300 --> 00:15:13,300
- You...
- No.
327
00:15:13,300 --> 00:15:16,300
...are so dead!
328
00:15:16,300 --> 00:15:18,300
I'm just playing!
329
00:15:18,300 --> 00:15:20,300
- Yoo-hoo!
- (TOM SHOUTING)
330
00:15:20,300 --> 00:15:23,300
TOM: No! Oh, God!
331
00:15:23,300 --> 00:15:26,300
- (ELAINE GRUNTS)
- TOM: Oh, God!
332
00:15:29,300 --> 00:15:33,300
Maybe we should go back out
and ring the door bell first.
333
00:15:33,300 --> 00:15:36,300
- Well, I raised a good man.
- What?
334
00:15:36,300 --> 00:15:39,300
Shut up and go out, so we can come
back in again.
335
00:15:45,300 --> 00:15:49,300
Right, well, we better be off. I
don't like to miss me Crimewatch.
336
00:15:49,300 --> 00:15:52,300
I'm very good with the mug shots. I
could sit there all night.
337
00:15:52,300 --> 00:15:55,300
Robber. Robber.
Drug dealer. Robber. Robber.
338
00:15:55,300 --> 00:15:57,300
Flasher. Mugger. I know them all.
339
00:15:58,300 --> 00:16:01,300
Maybe we should give the
telly a miss tonight, love.
340
00:16:01,300 --> 00:16:03,300
Are you all right?
Did you bang your head?
341
00:16:03,300 --> 00:16:06,300
It's hard to tell these days, what
with the shape of it and all.
342
00:16:06,300 --> 00:16:11,300
No, no, no, no. I was just saying
that maybe Tom isn't wrong, you know?
343
00:16:11,300 --> 00:16:14,300
Maybe we should put the telly away
for a while.
344
00:16:14,300 --> 00:16:15,300
Why would we do that?
345
00:16:15,300 --> 00:16:20,300
Well, because all this no telly
business has made me realise something.
346
00:16:22,300 --> 00:16:24,300
I think I like your face.
347
00:16:25,300 --> 00:16:26,300
Did you hear that?
348
00:16:26,300 --> 00:16:30,300
45 years married, and that's the
nicest thing he's ever said to me!
349
00:16:30,300 --> 00:16:33,300
"I think I like your face."
350
00:16:33,300 --> 00:16:36,300
Come on, love. So we can go home and
have a good old gossip
351
00:16:36,300 --> 00:16:39,300
and I can get a chance
to look at you some more.
352
00:16:39,300 --> 00:16:41,300
I'll open the HobNobs, so.
353
00:16:41,300 --> 00:16:42,300
The chocolate ones?
354
00:16:42,300 --> 00:16:46,300
Yes, the chocolate ones, seeing as
you like me face so much.
355
00:16:47,300 --> 00:16:49,300
- Night, all. Love yous.
- Bye!
356
00:16:49,300 --> 00:16:50,300
- Lovely dinner, Elaine.
- Aw!
357
00:16:50,300 --> 00:16:53,300
- PAT: I love your knees too.
- MARY: Don't push it!
358
00:16:55,300 --> 00:16:58,300
Oh, my God, did you see that?
359
00:16:58,300 --> 00:16:59,300
- (FRONT DOOR CLOSES)
- Oh, whoa!
360
00:16:59,300 --> 00:17:03,300
Never seen Dad be that nice to Mum
ever!
361
00:17:03,300 --> 00:17:04,300
Woo-hoo.
362
00:17:04,300 --> 00:17:06,300
Oh...
363
00:17:10,300 --> 00:17:11,300
- Elaine?
- Yeah?
364
00:17:11,300 --> 00:17:13,300
I think I like your face.
365
00:17:16,300 --> 00:17:18,300
And a HobNob's all you'll get
off me too.
366
00:17:18,300 --> 00:17:19,300
(HE SIGHS)
367
00:17:20,300 --> 00:17:24,300
- My tooth is really loose now, Mum.
- Is it? Let's have a look.
368
00:17:24,300 --> 00:17:26,300
- Ow!
- Oh, oh, Elaine!
369
00:17:26,300 --> 00:17:28,300
What? It was hanging by a thread.
370
00:17:28,300 --> 00:17:31,300
Give me my tooth. I'm going to bed.
371
00:17:31,300 --> 00:17:33,300
Oh, all right, narky knickers!
372
00:17:33,300 --> 00:17:35,300
Don't forget to put it under your
pillow!
373
00:17:35,300 --> 00:17:40,300
I told you. I don't believe
in that stupid stuff! Now night!
374
00:17:41,300 --> 00:17:43,300
- I'll go put?1 under his pillow.
- OK.
375
00:17:43,300 --> 00:17:45,300
But that's all.
376
00:17:45,300 --> 00:17:47,300
All right.
377
00:18:16,300 --> 00:18:19,300
DREW: Agh! Agh!
378
00:18:19,300 --> 00:18:23,300
They're real! They're real! They're
real! The fairies are real!
379
00:18:23,300 --> 00:18:26,300
- Tom!
- What?
380
00:18:26,300 --> 00:18:29,300
Look, Tom! The bloody fairies
were here!
381
00:18:29,300 --> 00:18:32,300
Ooh, so they were!
382
00:18:32,300 --> 00:18:37,300
And they've walked all over his face.
All over his face in black paint!
383
00:18:37,300 --> 00:18:40,300
That's really, really hard
to get off a child's face!
384
00:18:40,300 --> 00:18:42,501
I'm going to see if I can pull
any more of my teeth out!
385
00:18:43,300 --> 00:18:45,300
Dad, where are the pliers?
386
00:18:51,300 --> 00:18:52,300
What will I tell the teacher?
387
00:18:52,300 --> 00:18:54,300
- Tell them the truth.
- Got it. Bye.
388
00:18:57,300 --> 00:18:59,300
Do I have to go to school
today?
389
00:18:59,300 --> 00:19:02,300
- I don't feel well, Mum.
- You're clearly fine.
390
00:19:02,300 --> 00:19:05,300
And, Dylan, if you're going
to try and bunk off school,
391
00:19:05,300 --> 00:19:06,300
at least make some effort.
392
00:19:06,300 --> 00:19:08,300
I'm not going without my phone.
393
00:19:08,300 --> 00:19:11,300
Your phone? When I was a kid, I
didn't need a phone!
394
00:19:11,300 --> 00:19:15,300
I was climbing trees, making
dens, doing handstands,
395
00:19:15,300 --> 00:19:21,300
pulling wheelies on bikes, running
for hours and hours and hours,
396
00:19:21,300 --> 00:19:24,300
and that's what's made me
the man I am today.
397
00:19:24,300 --> 00:19:27,300
Well, I definitely don't want
to be the man you are today!
398
00:19:31,300 --> 00:19:33,300
Come on, Tom.
399
00:19:33,300 --> 00:19:36,300
We've tried the no gadget thing and
it hasn't really worked.
400
00:19:36,300 --> 00:19:37,300
Yeah.
401
00:19:37,300 --> 00:19:40,300
So what do you say tonight
we have a bit of telly,
402
00:19:40,300 --> 00:19:45,300
give the kids their stuff back,
and have an early night.
403
00:19:45,300 --> 00:19:47,300
Oh, hello.
404
00:19:56,300 --> 00:20:00,300
Oh, Darren. Come to spray me with
your scent?
405
00:20:00,300 --> 00:20:02,300
All right, Phoneless?
406
00:20:02,300 --> 00:20:04,300
Can you step back a bit?
407
00:20:04,300 --> 00:20:05,300
Why don't you ring ChildLine?
408
00:20:05,300 --> 00:20:08,300
- Oh, you can't. You're Phoneless!
- (BOYS LAUGH)
409
00:20:08,300 --> 00:20:09,300
Very funny.
410
00:20:09,300 --> 00:20:10,300
- Yes, I am.
- For a gorilla.
411
00:20:10,300 --> 00:20:12,300
Poo breath!
412
00:20:12,300 --> 00:20:13,300
- Poo breath?
- Poo breath.
413
00:20:13,300 --> 00:20:15,300
Poo breath. Thank you, Darren.
414
00:20:21,300 --> 00:20:24,300
Oh, no. Ah...
415
00:20:24,300 --> 00:20:26,300
Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no.
416
00:20:26,300 --> 00:20:27,300
No, no, no.
417
00:20:27,300 --> 00:20:30,300
Tom, Tom, Tom, you should have called
before you came over.
418
00:20:30,300 --> 00:20:32,300
- The stuff! The stuff!
- (MOBILE PHONE RINGS)
419
00:20:32,300 --> 00:20:34,300
Oh, is that my phone?
420
00:20:34,300 --> 00:20:36,300
He's just renting it.
421
00:20:36,300 --> 00:20:40,300
- Phone call for Tom Whyte.
- Er...
422
00:20:40,300 --> 00:20:43,300
Thank you. Hello?
423
00:20:43,300 --> 00:20:45,300
Yep.
424
00:20:45,300 --> 00:20:48,300
Right. OK, I'm on me way. I'm on me
way.
425
00:20:48,300 --> 00:20:50,300
- (HE SIGHS)
- Everything OK?
426
00:20:50,300 --> 00:20:53,300
Oh, it's Drew. He's in the
Headmaster's office.
427
00:20:53,300 --> 00:20:58,300
And, Roddy, OK, just get all this
stuff back the way I gave it to you.
428
00:20:58,300 --> 00:21:00,300
The way you gave it to me.
429
00:21:00,300 --> 00:21:03,300
- The way I gave it to you.
- The way you gave it to me.
430
00:21:03,300 --> 00:21:06,300
I'm your man. (SIGHS)
Got away with that one!
431
00:21:09,300 --> 00:21:10,300
Tom!
432
00:21:12,300 --> 00:21:14,300
Mum? What are you doing?
433
00:21:14,300 --> 00:21:17,300
- The chain fell off me bike.
- Oh.
434
00:21:18,300 --> 00:21:21,300
I've never seen you on a bike
before, Mum.
435
00:21:21,300 --> 00:21:24,300
Oh, we've taken a leaf
out of your book, son.
436
00:21:24,300 --> 00:21:29,300
We've left the car at home.
No telly. Only the wireless.
437
00:21:29,300 --> 00:21:32,300
We've gone back in time.
We're cyclists, son.
438
00:21:32,300 --> 00:21:34,300
We're cyclists?
439
00:21:34,300 --> 00:21:35,300
Myself and your father.
440
00:21:35,300 --> 00:21:37,300
(HORN TOOTS)
441
00:21:37,300 --> 00:21:39,300
(MARY LAUGHS)
442
00:21:39,300 --> 00:21:42,300
- Oh, my God.
- (HORN TOOTS)
443
00:21:42,300 --> 00:21:44,300
How are you, son?
444
00:21:44,300 --> 00:21:47,300
I couldn't trust him on a two-wheeler.
He'd fall over and break his neck.
445
00:21:47,300 --> 00:21:51,300
- Enjoying the cycle, Dad?
- Ah, yeah, great.
446
00:21:51,300 --> 00:21:53,380
I like staying behind your
mother. She's a great bum.
447
00:21:55,300 --> 00:21:59,300
I swear to God, Tom, having no telly
has changed that man totally.
448
00:21:59,300 --> 00:22:01,300
And I mean totally.
449
00:22:01,300 --> 00:22:03,300
Oh! Oh, no!
450
00:22:03,300 --> 00:22:06,300
Look, I'm in a rush. I've got to get
to Drew's headmaster.
451
00:22:06,300 --> 00:22:08,300
Not like that you're not.
You've oil all over your face.
452
00:22:08,300 --> 00:22:09,300
- Come here.
- No, I'm OK.
453
00:22:09,300 --> 00:22:10,300
- No, it's OK.
- (SHE SPITS)
454
00:22:10,300 --> 00:22:13,300
- Don't... Oh, no!
- Come here to me now.
455
00:22:13,300 --> 00:22:15,300
That's better... I suppose.
456
00:22:15,300 --> 00:22:18,300
Look, I have to go, I'll see you
later.
457
00:22:19,300 --> 00:22:21,300
Right, we better be off so too, pet.
458
00:22:21,300 --> 00:22:22,381
- Come on.
- Yup. Off we go.
459
00:22:28,300 --> 00:22:31,300
Drew! Are you OK? What
happened?
460
00:22:31,300 --> 00:22:35,300
I told the truth. You know, about the
fairies on my face.
461
00:22:35,300 --> 00:22:38,300
I got into trouble
for shooting a kid with a stick.
462
00:22:38,300 --> 00:22:40,300
You're not to blame.
463
00:22:40,300 --> 00:22:43,300
(BELL RINGS)
464
00:22:43,300 --> 00:22:45,300
Mr Whyte. Come in.
465
00:22:46,300 --> 00:22:50,300
Er, Mr McGovern,
I'm very sorry about this, but...
466
00:22:50,300 --> 00:22:54,300
Drew's not entirely to blame
for this.
467
00:22:54,300 --> 00:22:58,300
Telling children that the fairies
have left footprints on their faces
468
00:22:58,300 --> 00:23:02,300
in the middle of the night is a bit
far fetched, wouldn't you think?
469
00:23:02,300 --> 00:23:04,300
I'd love to know where he...
470
00:23:04,300 --> 00:23:06,300
gets it from.
471
00:23:10,300 --> 00:23:14,300
So you think that my child believing
that fairies walked all over his face
472
00:23:14,300 --> 00:23:17,300
in the middle of the night
a bit far fetched?
473
00:23:17,300 --> 00:23:19,300
- Yes.
- Oh.
474
00:23:20,300 --> 00:23:23,300
Drew... Just wait outside for a sec,
will you,
475
00:23:23,300 --> 00:23:25,300
while I have a little chat
with your headmaster?
476
00:23:25,300 --> 00:23:28,300
- But, Dad, he's...
- Drew, outside now.
477
00:23:28,300 --> 00:23:30,300
I have something I want to
show this man.
478
00:23:32,300 --> 00:23:38,300
What's wrong with kids
believing in fairies?
479
00:23:38,300 --> 00:23:41,300
They're not little adults.
They're little children.
480
00:23:41,300 --> 00:23:42,300
Mr Whyte, please!
481
00:23:42,300 --> 00:23:44,300
How long have you been
head of this school?
482
00:23:44,300 --> 00:23:45,300
22 years.
483
00:23:45,300 --> 00:23:50,300
22? You've been in charge of these
kids' imaginations for 22 years?
484
00:23:50,300 --> 00:23:55,300
You've forgotten
what it's like to be a child.
485
00:23:55,300 --> 00:23:58,300
- Here... hold this.
- What?
486
00:23:58,300 --> 00:24:00,300
- I don't understand.
- No, wrong way round. This way.
487
00:24:00,300 --> 00:24:05,300
I'm gonna help you remember
what it's like to be a kid again.
488
00:24:05,300 --> 00:24:08,300
- Well...
- Yeah, good, here we go. Good man.
489
00:24:10,300 --> 00:24:12,300
I'll be on the red team.
You be on the blue team.
490
00:24:12,300 --> 00:24:13,300
- Fair enough.
- All right? Yeah.
491
00:24:13,300 --> 00:24:16,300
- HEADMASTER: Yee-agh!
- (CRASHING AND BANGING)
492
00:24:16,300 --> 00:24:18,300
HEADMASTER: Somebody help me!
493
00:24:18,300 --> 00:24:21,300
- HEADMASTER: Die! Die! Die!
- TOM: Please! No.
494
00:24:21,300 --> 00:24:23,300
- (TOM IMITATES GUNFIRE)
- TOM: Ho-ho!
495
00:24:29,300 --> 00:24:34,300
Your imagination...
is too powerful for me!
496
00:24:47,300 --> 00:24:49,300
Come on, son.
497
00:24:49,300 --> 00:24:52,300
We're not gonna have any more trouble
from him any more.
498
00:24:58,300 --> 00:25:00,300
There's everything back.
499
00:25:00,300 --> 00:25:03,300
Where's the rest of the stuff,
Roddy?
500
00:25:03,300 --> 00:25:07,300
Well, um, a few drops of beer got on
them, so I'm just drying them out.
501
00:25:07,300 --> 00:25:10,300
(LOUD CLATTERING)
502
00:25:10,300 --> 00:25:12,300
Telly time, I think.
503
00:25:12,300 --> 00:25:16,300
Oh, I thought you were gonna
wait... for a week.
504
00:25:20,300 --> 00:25:23,300
- How was school, lads?
- So Dad killed the head.
505
00:25:23,300 --> 00:25:24,300
What?
506
00:25:24,300 --> 00:25:27,300
Turns out Dad was right. It's always
handy to have a good stick.
507
00:25:29,300 --> 00:25:31,300
Hello, Phoneless.
508
00:25:31,300 --> 00:25:34,300
Ah, Darren. I have a little something
for you.
509
00:25:34,300 --> 00:25:36,300
Poo on a stick.
510
00:25:36,300 --> 00:25:38,300
- It's poo! It's poo!
- Poo on a stick!
511
00:25:38,300 --> 00:25:41,300
- Poo on a stick! Poo on a stick!
- Agh!
512
00:25:41,300 --> 00:25:43,300
Poo on a stick!
513
00:25:43,300 --> 00:25:45,300
(TV IS ON)
514
00:25:47,300 --> 00:25:49,300
(TV IS SWITCHED OFF)
515
00:25:51,300 --> 00:25:53,300
Really? Really?!
516
00:25:53,300 --> 00:25:55,300
We'll ration the TV.
517
00:25:55,300 --> 00:25:56,300
Aw!
518
00:25:56,300 --> 00:25:58,300
What made you change your mind?
519
00:25:58,300 --> 00:26:02,300
I heard what you did for Dylan and
Drew. Pretty clever, for a nut-job!
520
00:26:02,300 --> 00:26:05,300
Yeah, it was nothing. Well...
521
00:26:05,300 --> 00:26:07,300
Ooh, why don't we play Twister?
522
00:26:07,300 --> 00:26:11,300
Who wants to play Twister? Yeah, come
on, let's play some Twister!
523
00:26:11,300 --> 00:26:16,300
DREW: Can I play when nan's off the
mat? She farts when she bends over.
524
00:26:16,300 --> 00:26:18,300
MARY: I do not!
525
00:26:18,300 --> 00:26:22,300
ELAINE: Right, here we go.
Left foot green, Mary.
526
00:26:22,300 --> 00:26:23,300
(LOUD PARP!)
527
00:26:23,300 --> 00:26:26,300
TOM: Mum!
528
00:26:26,300 --> 00:26:30,300
? I think I'll rest a little more
529
00:26:30,300 --> 00:26:33,300
? Cos the noise in my head
keeps banging at the door
530
00:26:33,300 --> 00:26:36,300
? Something easy, I'll find hard
531
00:26:36,300 --> 00:26:41,300
? It's the man in me that keeps me
running scared
532
00:26:41,300 --> 00:26:45,300
? Cos your life spins round
like a merry-go-round
533
00:26:45,300 --> 00:26:49,300
? And you can't escape
from these ups and downs
534
00:26:49,300 --> 00:26:53,300
? Your dream's on hold
for this crazy world
535
00:26:53,300 --> 00:26:55,300
? But I wouldn't change a thing. ?
536
00:26:55,350 --> 00:26:59,900
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