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[pages riffling]
2
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[rats squeaking]
3
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MODOK: Adaptoid!
4
00:00:19,811 --> 00:00:21,611
Adaptoid!
5
00:00:21,605 --> 00:00:23,725
Where are you?
I'm so hungy.
6
00:00:23,732 --> 00:00:25,282
I need brain food.
7
00:00:25,275 --> 00:00:27,485
Maybe gravy in a pita pocket?
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00:00:27,486 --> 00:00:28,566
Adaptoid!
9
00:00:29,071 --> 00:00:30,411
Ugh! I'll do it myself.
10
00:00:30,405 --> 00:00:31,405
Ugh!
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[clangs]
Ah!
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00:00:33,492 --> 00:00:35,242
[creaking]
13
00:00:39,831 --> 00:00:43,461
Ohh! I'm all out of fixins
for Gravy Grabbers?
14
00:00:43,752 --> 00:00:44,752
Hmm.
15
00:00:45,212 --> 00:00:47,212
Well, maybe
[sighs]
16
00:00:47,214 --> 00:00:49,134
[eating noisily]
17
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[bubbling, hissing]
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00:00:53,470 --> 00:00:55,180
Well, that was a mistake.
19
00:00:55,180 --> 00:00:56,470
I gotta get out
and get more food.
20
00:00:56,473 --> 00:00:57,983
[horn honking]
21
00:00:58,559 --> 00:01:00,519
Alleys aren't for sleeping.
you menace.
22
00:01:00,519 --> 00:01:01,849
Ugh! Wonder Man.
23
00:01:01,854 --> 00:01:03,944
They're for trash and stray cats.
24
00:01:03,939 --> 00:01:06,189
Just so everyone knows,
I actually love the homeless,
25
00:01:06,191 --> 00:01:08,651
but this particular homeless person
is a villain
26
00:01:08,652 --> 00:01:11,032
and his tent, his evil lair.
[grunts]
27
00:01:11,029 --> 00:01:12,569
But I'm not bothering nobody.
28
00:01:12,573 --> 00:01:14,373
You're bothering property values.
29
00:01:14,366 --> 00:01:16,116
I'm a victim
of the dotcom crash.
30
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WONDER MAN:
That was 20 years ago!
31
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Get yourself together, man.
32
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[doorbell tinkles]
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I'll have one
child's party size lasagna
34
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topped with sesame chicken
35
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Oh, and can you write something like
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"Congrats On Your Cool Life, MODOK,"
in soy sauce.
37
00:01:29,047 --> 00:01:31,427
But don't make the lasagna
so hot this time.
38
00:01:31,425 --> 00:01:32,465
I keep burning my fingers.
39
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Yes, sir, we understand
that you eat with your hands.
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I'll have you know
the last six times I ate here,
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00:01:37,639 --> 00:01:39,849
I completely soiled my chair.
42
00:01:39,850 --> 00:01:42,900
But I count every three diarrheas
as one strike,
43
00:01:42,895 --> 00:01:45,975
so it's three more chair craps
and you're out, buddy.
44
00:01:45,981 --> 00:01:49,401
If this continues, I have no choice
but to write in an ADA complaint,
45
00:01:49,401 --> 00:01:51,111
The American Diarrhea Association,
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of which I have just become a member
because of your lasagn
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Jodie.
Hey, MODOK.
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Hey, Jodie!
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Did you hear any of that?
Yes, I heard all of it.
50
00:01:59,786 --> 00:02:01,746
Well, you misheard.
What, what are you doing here?
51
00:02:01,747 --> 00:02:04,667
Having dinner.
Wow, that's a big box.
52
00:02:04,666 --> 00:02:05,996
Are you expecting company?
53
00:02:06,001 --> 00:02:08,751
Why else would I order
a child's party size lasagna?
54
00:02:08,754 --> 00:02:12,344
I'm having lots of kids over,
a very sophisticated soccer team.
55
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[Jodie chuckles]
56
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It's really good
to see you, MODOK.
57
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♪ wistful music playing ♪
58
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Whoa, whoa, is this hobo
asking you for change?
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00:02:21,099 --> 00:02:24,849
[chuckles]
No, Wonder Man. This is MODOK.
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00:02:24,853 --> 00:02:26,943
Ahh. The famous MODOK.
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Yeah, I'm sorry,
I thought you were homeless.
62
00:02:28,982 --> 00:02:31,532
I'm sure you can understand why.
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00:02:31,527 --> 00:02:33,197
I'm Wonder Man,
pending Avenger,
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00:02:33,195 --> 00:02:34,775
underwear model,
and lover of your wife.
65
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[voice echoing]
Lover, lover, lover...
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I'm so sorry, MODOK.
I should have told you.
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[groaning]
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00:02:43,080 --> 00:02:45,830
Jodie, get back! Your husband was bitten
by a raccoon and has rabies!
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00:02:45,832 --> 00:02:48,042
Wrong! I ate baking soda.
70
00:02:48,043 --> 00:02:51,053
And if I did have rabies,
it would not be from a raccoon.
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00:02:51,046 --> 00:02:54,416
It would be from the many rats
that I live with in my apartment.
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00:02:54,424 --> 00:02:55,724
Goodnight!
[slams door]
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♪ dramatic theme playing ♪
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♪
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00:03:02,391 --> 00:03:04,481
[groans]
♪ news jingle plays ♪
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NEWSREADER ON TV:
This is Marveltainment Tonight
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They're calling them
Hollywood's sexiest couple,
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WonderJo!
[groans]
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00:03:09,815 --> 00:03:11,475
Sources close
to the couple are saying
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00:03:11,483 --> 00:03:13,943
that the gorgeous Wonder Man
is the literal opposite
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of MODOK in every way.
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00:03:15,529 --> 00:03:16,699
Did you know
you're out of gravy?
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00:03:16,697 --> 00:03:18,867
Yes! That's how I got in this mess!
84
00:03:18,866 --> 00:03:20,656
From these photos,
it's pretty clear
85
00:03:20,659 --> 00:03:23,249
that the ravenhaired beauty
is extra satisfied
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with Wonder Man's famous assets.
87
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Oh, so she's into ass now?
88
00:03:28,750 --> 00:03:32,590
Ooh! What's this? Could it be
my weekly Sad Man's Magazine?
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"Jodie and Wonder Man
cordially invite you
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00:03:35,257 --> 00:03:37,257
to attend
their paperback release party."
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00:03:37,259 --> 00:03:39,139
They're throwing
a party together?
92
00:03:39,136 --> 00:03:41,046
And inviting me to my house?
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Initiate selfdestruct mode.
94
00:03:43,724 --> 00:03:45,854
ROBOTIC VOICE:
One minute to selfdestruction
95
00:03:45,851 --> 00:03:47,851
MODOK, no!
Don't kill yourself!
96
00:03:47,853 --> 00:03:49,733
Living is for married men, Gary.
97
00:03:49,730 --> 00:03:51,480
Maybe this is her way of saying
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00:03:51,481 --> 00:03:53,941
she wants to be with someone
who takes care of themselves.
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00:03:53,942 --> 00:03:55,612
And maybe one day
that could be you!
100
00:03:55,611 --> 00:03:58,241
ROBOTIC VOICE:
Thirty seconds to that sweet release.
101
00:03:58,238 --> 00:04:02,278
So what you're saying is that
Jodie is still madly in love with me?
102
00:04:02,284 --> 00:04:03,994
Well
Yes, it's so clear now!
103
00:04:03,994 --> 00:04:05,834
The invitation,
the touch on the shoulder.
104
00:04:05,829 --> 00:04:08,669
She's only dating Wonder Man
because he's perfectly symmetrical.
105
00:04:08,665 --> 00:04:11,665
If I can do the same, I can show Jodie
that MODOK can also be
106
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[choking, gasping]
...traditionally handsome!
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Abort selfdestruction.
108
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Commence Mission Supreme Hotness.
109
00:04:18,717 --> 00:04:22,347
♪ Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy
by Tchaikovsky playing ♪
110
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Melissa! Melissa! Hey!
111
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Oh my God!
Melissa!
112
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I'm, I'm wet! But don't worry.
113
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It's only 'cause I tried
to drown myself!
114
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Melissa, is that your wet dad?
[chuckles]
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Initiate selfdestruct.
116
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[muffled shouting]
117
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Uh, smothering yourself
won't make me go away. I need help.
118
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[muffled]
I'm never helping you again.
119
00:04:43,617 --> 00:04:45,577
Just hear me out.
No way, Dad.
120
00:04:45,577 --> 00:04:47,037
You never listen to me.
121
00:04:47,037 --> 00:04:50,287
There is nothing you can say
that would make me help you.
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Absolutely nothing.
123
00:04:52,543 --> 00:04:54,593
Please, Melissa!
Your mom's ready to move on.
124
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This is my last shot
at winning her back.
125
00:04:56,255 --> 00:04:57,545
I need a makeover!
126
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That's right. A makeover.
127
00:05:00,217 --> 00:05:02,387
Everything that bothers you,
change it.
128
00:05:02,761 --> 00:05:04,511
Mall. One hour.
129
00:05:05,556 --> 00:05:10,136
Looks like my teenage daughter
is gonna help me get laid.
130
00:05:10,143 --> 00:05:12,983
♪ rock music playing ♪
131
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Hey, JonJon.
Ah!
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[both kissing]
133
00:05:16,066 --> 00:05:18,146
Is it classic lunch Wednesdays?
134
00:05:18,151 --> 00:05:21,241
Because I'm ready to take a bite
into this peanut butter and Melly!
135
00:05:21,613 --> 00:05:22,663
I'm MODOK.
136
00:05:23,323 --> 00:05:27,083
Oh my God, MODOK, are you serving me
cratersized pores?
137
00:05:27,077 --> 00:05:30,617
And who gave you permission to have
such a big, gorgeous face?
138
00:05:30,622 --> 00:05:32,462
MODOK seeks permission
from no one!
139
00:05:32,457 --> 00:05:34,167
I love how tedious you are.
140
00:05:34,626 --> 00:05:38,006
Before we get started, I have
two rules when it comes to fashion:
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00:05:38,005 --> 00:05:41,255
turtlenecks show class,
and brown hides stains.
142
00:05:41,258 --> 00:05:44,008
[shushes]
The canvas doesn't speak.
143
00:05:44,469 --> 00:05:47,179
Uhhuh?
Too Carrie Bradshaw.
144
00:05:47,181 --> 00:05:48,641
Too Terry Bradshaw.
145
00:05:49,057 --> 00:05:52,227
Your giant blackheads
are giving me life!
146
00:05:52,227 --> 00:05:52,977
Oh!
147
00:05:53,604 --> 00:05:54,864
Call the fire department.
148
00:05:55,272 --> 00:05:56,862
Too Hawaiian Punch
not enough KoolAid Man.
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00:05:56,857 --> 00:05:57,817
Too Goth Pilgrim.
150
00:05:57,816 --> 00:05:58,646
Too fast.
151
00:05:58,650 --> 00:05:59,440
Too furious.
152
00:05:59,443 --> 00:06:00,323
Ugh. You're naked.
153
00:06:00,319 --> 00:06:02,859
So how often
do you wash your hair?
154
00:06:02,863 --> 00:06:05,323
Well, some of it got wet
when I tried to kill myself.
155
00:06:05,324 --> 00:06:08,994
I love this Clooney Caesar,
but I think it's time for a change.
156
00:06:08,994 --> 00:06:11,794
You're about to have
a hair moment.
157
00:06:11,788 --> 00:06:14,538
[gasps]
The new me! I love it!
158
00:06:14,541 --> 00:06:16,591
Uh, I haven't done anything yet.
159
00:06:16,585 --> 00:06:18,375
You're just so nice!
160
00:06:19,463 --> 00:06:21,013
So how do I look?
161
00:06:21,006 --> 00:06:24,836
You look... as good
as you possibly could, Dad.
162
00:06:24,843 --> 00:06:27,433
Now it's time to makeover
your toxic masculinity
163
00:06:27,429 --> 00:06:28,099
MODOK: Gotta go!
164
00:06:28,096 --> 00:06:33,056
[camera shutters clicking]
♪ classical piano music playing ♪
165
00:06:33,060 --> 00:06:35,060
♪ hip hop music playing ♪
166
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♪
167
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The handsomest man has arrived!
168
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[all gasp]
169
00:06:42,402 --> 00:06:45,032
It is I, MODOK,
and I brought a date!
170
00:06:45,030 --> 00:06:46,660
It's a JiggleO!
171
00:06:46,657 --> 00:06:48,237
She's also a snack!
172
00:06:48,242 --> 00:06:50,372
Get yourself a woman
who can do both!
173
00:06:50,869 --> 00:06:53,039
Mmm. Chorizo flavored!
174
00:06:55,249 --> 00:06:57,709
Oh no!
Look at Dad's face!
175
00:06:57,709 --> 00:06:59,919
He went rogue and used
a ton of fillers!
176
00:07:00,712 --> 00:07:04,052
Uhp! I sense a wrinkle!
Release the Filler Bots!
177
00:07:04,842 --> 00:07:05,802
[crowd gasps]
178
00:07:05,801 --> 00:07:08,141
They're just collagen spiders!
179
00:07:08,136 --> 00:07:09,676
They're more afraid of you
than you are of
180
00:07:09,680 --> 00:07:11,390
Oh no, wait. No, they're not scared.
[people screaming]
181
00:07:11,390 --> 00:07:12,220
No one move!
182
00:07:12,224 --> 00:07:13,484
[screaming continues]
183
00:07:15,143 --> 00:07:18,193
Oh my God, MODOK?
184
00:07:18,188 --> 00:07:20,978
Wow, he looks incredible.
185
00:07:20,983 --> 00:07:23,903
Do you like my chair's butt?
It's made of human fat!
186
00:07:23,902 --> 00:07:26,822
Get a pic
before it turns rancid!
187
00:07:26,822 --> 00:07:28,282
[camera shutters clicking]
188
00:07:29,283 --> 00:07:31,453
BRANDI: Jodie, as your publicist,
I have to say
189
00:07:31,451 --> 00:07:33,081
that you are literally changing lives
190
00:07:33,078 --> 00:07:34,538
and breaking chains
with your hardback book.
191
00:07:34,538 --> 00:07:36,668
It's so inspiring,
I could rip you to pieces.
192
00:07:36,665 --> 00:07:38,245
[chuckles]
Thanks, Brandi.
193
00:07:38,250 --> 00:07:40,750
The thing is,
hardback sales are dipping.
194
00:07:40,752 --> 00:07:42,052
People find it too hard.
195
00:07:42,045 --> 00:07:44,295
But I have the solution
a softcover.
196
00:07:44,298 --> 00:07:45,418
You mean a paperback?
197
00:07:45,424 --> 00:07:47,344
No. Your softcover
is coming out in a month,
198
00:07:47,342 --> 00:07:48,552
and this has
to be your moment.
199
00:07:48,552 --> 00:07:50,602
You are so close to going goop.
200
00:07:50,596 --> 00:07:51,636
I'm sorry. Excuse me?
201
00:07:51,638 --> 00:07:52,888
Gwyneth Paltrow's Goop.
202
00:07:52,890 --> 00:07:55,310
We need your lifestyle brand
to goop hard and goop soon.
203
00:07:55,309 --> 00:07:57,769
It's not enough to just trend.
You have to stay trending.
204
00:07:57,769 --> 00:07:59,479
Hold on, I gotta take
a quick sip of the goop.
205
00:07:59,771 --> 00:08:01,861
I call water goop
because it's everywhere.
206
00:08:01,857 --> 00:08:02,937
Eww.
207
00:08:02,941 --> 00:08:05,781
I really need you
to lean in to the Latina thing.
208
00:08:05,777 --> 00:08:07,447
Talk about how
your abuela smuggled
209
00:08:07,446 --> 00:08:09,276
the recipe for her pozole
over the border.
210
00:08:09,281 --> 00:08:12,201
My grandma's from Boulder, Colorado.
She eats canned soup.
211
00:08:12,201 --> 00:08:14,411
Then how you played stick ball
with your brujas in Queens.
212
00:08:14,411 --> 00:08:15,661
No, wait.
Dress like a skeleton.
213
00:08:15,662 --> 00:08:17,582
No, wait, wait. You should chacha
instead of walking.
214
00:08:17,581 --> 00:08:20,081
The chacha isn't how
Mexicans walk
215
00:08:20,083 --> 00:08:22,343
Jodie, I'm getting the sense
that you think this is racist.
216
00:08:22,336 --> 00:08:23,546
Very much so, yes.
217
00:08:23,545 --> 00:08:25,165
Well, if you aren't gonna
spice it up for mama,
218
00:08:25,172 --> 00:08:27,722
then we need a big publicinciting
incident to make people care.
219
00:08:27,716 --> 00:08:28,506
You need more!
220
00:08:28,509 --> 00:08:31,049
More trench coats, more black gloves,
more red, more maps,
221
00:08:31,053 --> 00:08:33,103
and a lot more big,
bossy widebrimmed hats.
222
00:08:33,096 --> 00:08:34,636
You're describing
Carmen Sandiego.
223
00:08:34,640 --> 00:08:37,020
Damn right I am!
She's a Latina icon!
224
00:08:37,017 --> 00:08:38,307
Okay, Jodie, tough talk.
225
00:08:38,310 --> 00:08:40,100
You don't look good
from your left side. It's common.
226
00:08:40,103 --> 00:08:42,653
Think of yourself as a UPS truck
you can only go right.
227
00:08:42,648 --> 00:08:44,018
Now oink with me, my little piggy,
228
00:08:44,024 --> 00:08:46,034
because you are going
to be my prized hog!
229
00:08:46,026 --> 00:08:47,486
[snorting]
230
00:08:48,028 --> 00:08:50,568
Jodie, you aren't oinking with me.
Is there something wrong, pig?
231
00:08:50,572 --> 00:08:52,782
I don't like it
when you call me "pig."
232
00:08:52,783 --> 00:08:54,703
Calling women "bitches"
is derogatory.
233
00:08:54,701 --> 00:08:56,371
That's why I said "pig," Jodie.
234
00:08:56,370 --> 00:08:58,580
'Cause they're smart,
they solve puzzles.
235
00:08:59,540 --> 00:09:00,460
[sighs]
236
00:09:00,457 --> 00:09:02,417
Look. I love my heritage,
237
00:09:02,417 --> 00:09:05,457
but I'm not interested in being
someone else's idea of Latina.
238
00:09:05,462 --> 00:09:08,172
People will just have
to accept me for who I am.
239
00:09:08,173 --> 00:09:09,843
I hear you loud and clear.
240
00:09:09,842 --> 00:09:11,592
You want to have a baby
with will.i.am.
241
00:09:11,593 --> 00:09:12,593
[sighs]
242
00:09:16,139 --> 00:09:19,849
I'm so far behind Chicken Goop
for the Wealthy Mother's Soul.
243
00:09:21,520 --> 00:09:23,110
Oh, have you read that?
I recommend it.
244
00:09:23,105 --> 00:09:25,815
Really amazing.
Changed my life.
245
00:09:25,816 --> 00:09:27,396
Changed my life too.
246
00:09:27,401 --> 00:09:29,701
I wish I could buy it
for every woman I respect.
247
00:09:29,695 --> 00:09:31,695
Which is every woman.
248
00:09:31,697 --> 00:09:33,987
I'm sure the author would like that.
249
00:09:33,991 --> 00:09:37,241
Yeah, I wish I could meet her
and pick her brilliant mind.
250
00:09:37,244 --> 00:09:40,254
Too bad she got hit by that train
and her guts sprayed everywhere.
251
00:09:40,247 --> 00:09:41,157
Excuse me, what?
252
00:09:41,164 --> 00:09:43,134
Sorry, I know you're the author.
253
00:09:43,125 --> 00:09:44,835
I was trying to be playful.
I'm nervous,
254
00:09:44,835 --> 00:09:46,995
and I'mI'm bad at flirting.
255
00:09:47,004 --> 00:09:48,174
I knew you were flirting!
256
00:09:48,172 --> 00:09:50,972
Is there any chance I could,
I don't know, get your number?
257
00:09:51,967 --> 00:09:54,217
I'm actually getting out
of something right now.
258
00:09:54,219 --> 00:09:56,179
Don't know
if I'm really ready to, uh
259
00:09:56,180 --> 00:09:58,930
Look, the last thing
I want to do is pressure you.
260
00:09:58,932 --> 00:10:02,022
But if you ever decide you are ready,
whether that be months from now
261
00:10:02,019 --> 00:10:04,689
or years from now,
let's say no more than two years,
262
00:10:04,688 --> 00:10:05,898
look me up.
263
00:10:05,898 --> 00:10:06,728
I'm ready,
here's my number.
264
00:10:08,150 --> 00:10:09,070
[camera shutter clicks]
265
00:10:09,443 --> 00:10:11,243
[cell phone rings]
Ah. Damn. Work thing.
266
00:10:11,236 --> 00:10:14,156
Ultron just hacked Uber.
I will call you later.
267
00:10:14,156 --> 00:10:15,946
[whooshing]
268
00:10:16,783 --> 00:10:17,913
[cell phone ringing]
269
00:10:17,910 --> 00:10:19,950
BRANDI: A magical spider
should be writing messages
270
00:10:19,953 --> 00:10:22,253
in a web above you
because you are such a hog.
271
00:10:22,247 --> 00:10:23,037
Wait. Why?
272
00:10:23,040 --> 00:10:25,580
I said go goop
and you dirty little pinkskinned,
273
00:10:25,584 --> 00:10:27,884
curlytailed,
magnificent oinking Jodie.
274
00:10:27,878 --> 00:10:29,588
You're dating Wonder Man?
275
00:10:29,588 --> 00:10:31,008
JODIE:
Who is Wonder Man?
276
00:10:31,006 --> 00:10:32,046
It's in the tabloids.
277
00:10:32,049 --> 00:10:34,179
Aren't you a writer or something?
Don't you read?
278
00:10:34,176 --> 00:10:35,796
The guy I just met
279
00:10:35,802 --> 00:10:38,682
BRANDI: La la la la la. I don't want
to hear about your filthy sex life.
280
00:10:38,680 --> 00:10:41,100
I want to read about it.
In the press.
281
00:10:41,099 --> 00:10:43,229
This is perfect.
You have to keep seeing him.
282
00:10:43,227 --> 00:10:45,647
It will do wonders, ha,
for your book sales.
283
00:10:45,646 --> 00:10:47,356
Oh, you sloppy barnyard beast,
284
00:10:47,356 --> 00:10:49,606
you are eating right out
of the Wonder Man trough.
285
00:10:49,608 --> 00:10:51,938
I'm not doing this
for the publicity, Brandi.
286
00:10:51,944 --> 00:10:54,244
I'm just going to go
on one date with Wonder Man
287
00:10:54,238 --> 00:10:55,608
because it's what I want.
288
00:10:55,614 --> 00:10:57,784
BRANDI: Okay, whatever you say, bitch,
I mean babe, I mean pig.
289
00:10:57,783 --> 00:10:59,793
Gotta go. Byeee!
[hangs up]
290
00:11:00,369 --> 00:11:02,959
So you grew up in Colorado?
What was that like?
291
00:11:02,955 --> 00:11:05,535
Well, you know, it could be tough
at times. It's pretty white there.
292
00:11:05,541 --> 00:11:07,291
Oh right, the snow.
293
00:11:07,292 --> 00:11:10,002
So, uh, how did you get into acting?
294
00:11:10,003 --> 00:11:11,553
My grandma.
Oh really?
295
00:11:11,547 --> 00:11:14,007
Yeah, she was the one
who noticed that I just had a thing
296
00:11:14,007 --> 00:11:16,837
for reaching out and touching
the human heart.
297
00:11:16,844 --> 00:11:18,514
Also, she was
a huge powerful movie producer,
298
00:11:18,512 --> 00:11:19,722
and she made them
put me in movies.
299
00:11:19,721 --> 00:11:22,561
Can you believe our bodies
are made from stardust?
300
00:11:22,558 --> 00:11:26,188
Uh, does it ever get exhausting
having your life on display for everyone?
301
00:11:26,186 --> 00:11:29,186
Well, you might think it's superstitious
or even a little silly,
302
00:11:29,189 --> 00:11:32,479
but I believe that if I don't pose
for the cameras, I will die.
303
00:11:32,484 --> 00:11:34,404
Ay yo!
Oh my God! Oh my God!
304
00:11:34,403 --> 00:11:36,613
Wonder Man.
Will you sign my tire iron?
305
00:11:36,613 --> 00:11:37,703
Of course.
306
00:11:37,698 --> 00:11:40,028
Ay lady!
III'm right here.
307
00:11:40,033 --> 00:11:42,043
I didn't know nothin' about you
until you started datin'
308
00:11:42,035 --> 00:11:43,365
my buddy Wonder Man.
309
00:11:43,370 --> 00:11:45,040
I read your book in one night.
310
00:11:45,038 --> 00:11:46,708
You see that cab over there.
311
00:11:46,707 --> 00:11:48,537
It used to smell like sewage,
312
00:11:48,542 --> 00:11:50,842
and now it smells like a car.
313
00:11:50,836 --> 00:11:51,796
A car!
314
00:11:51,795 --> 00:11:54,505
Aww. The eighth step of Jodifying.
315
00:11:54,506 --> 00:11:56,176
"Make things smell like they are."
316
00:11:56,175 --> 00:11:57,505
Can I have a hug?
317
00:12:01,263 --> 00:12:02,973
Can I borrow
a thousand dollars?
318
00:12:02,973 --> 00:12:03,973
No.
319
00:12:04,433 --> 00:12:06,103
[camera shutters clicking]
320
00:12:06,101 --> 00:12:09,481
♪
321
00:12:09,479 --> 00:12:11,899
[crowd cheering]
322
00:12:12,649 --> 00:12:13,689
Wrong side!
323
00:12:15,277 --> 00:12:16,947
♪
324
00:12:16,945 --> 00:12:19,315
[camera shutters clicking]
325
00:12:19,323 --> 00:12:22,743
♪
326
00:12:32,377 --> 00:12:34,417
Number two on
the Best Sellers' list!
327
00:12:34,421 --> 00:12:35,921
America's ready
to taste your goop.
328
00:12:35,923 --> 00:12:38,433
And we want America
to say it tastes great.
329
00:12:38,425 --> 00:12:39,295
Amazing!
330
00:12:39,301 --> 00:12:41,641
Not amazing. You're so happy!
People hate that.
331
00:12:41,637 --> 00:12:42,677
[cell phone chimes]
[gasps] Oh no.
332
00:12:42,679 --> 00:12:43,679
You just dropped to three.
333
00:12:43,680 --> 00:12:46,020
What? How quickly
are they updating this list?
334
00:12:46,016 --> 00:12:47,886
You were trending
and now you're trundling,
335
00:12:47,893 --> 00:12:50,353
like the bed under the bed
no one wants to sleep on.
336
00:12:50,354 --> 00:12:52,774
What do I do?
I want to be a pig, not a bed!
337
00:12:52,773 --> 00:12:54,073
You need drama.
338
00:12:54,066 --> 00:12:56,566
Something scandalous
to push you to number one.
339
00:12:56,568 --> 00:12:57,988
Do you know anyone who can bring
340
00:12:57,986 --> 00:13:00,986
big irreparable public drama
into your life?
341
00:13:02,074 --> 00:13:05,244
And if I did have rabies,
it would not be from a raccoon.
342
00:13:05,244 --> 00:13:08,544
It would be from the many rats
that I live with in my apartment.
343
00:13:08,539 --> 00:13:10,369
Goodnight!
[door slams]
344
00:13:13,126 --> 00:13:14,546
[chimes]
345
00:13:14,545 --> 00:13:16,505
We're done here.
Let's go.
346
00:13:16,505 --> 00:13:18,375
Great, because this restaurant's insane.
347
00:13:18,382 --> 00:13:20,512
What does "child's party size" mean?
348
00:13:20,509 --> 00:13:23,099
And how much is
a "diaper's worth of chow mein"?
349
00:13:23,095 --> 00:13:24,555
Why did we ever come here?
350
00:13:24,555 --> 00:13:27,885
♪ classical piano music playing ♪
[people chattering]
351
00:13:29,268 --> 00:13:31,268
Mom, I want to stop playing.
352
00:13:31,270 --> 00:13:33,560
My fingers are starting to bleed!
353
00:13:33,564 --> 00:13:37,234
Oh, honey, you can stop playing
when RuPaul gets here.
354
00:13:37,234 --> 00:13:38,574
I shouldn't be turning pages.
355
00:13:38,569 --> 00:13:41,779
I should be up on the piano,
singin' sultry songs
356
00:13:41,780 --> 00:13:44,910
and crawlin' around like
the Fabulous Baker Boy I am!
357
00:13:44,908 --> 00:13:46,538
No. I'm hoping RuPaul does that!
358
00:13:46,535 --> 00:13:48,495
Now shush up
and be the perfect children
359
00:13:48,495 --> 00:13:50,155
I described in chapter 18.
360
00:13:50,831 --> 00:13:52,171
He's here.
Who?
361
00:13:52,165 --> 00:13:53,955
I can't see past this damn brim!
362
00:13:54,459 --> 00:13:56,169
[gasps]
MODOK?
363
00:13:58,088 --> 00:14:00,378
Wow, he looks incredible.
364
00:14:00,382 --> 00:14:02,012
Yeah, an incredible train wreck.
365
00:14:02,009 --> 00:14:04,009
And you orchestrated
this whole thing.
366
00:14:04,011 --> 00:14:06,851
Or should I say "porkestrated,"
you pig.
367
00:14:06,847 --> 00:14:08,807
[singsongy]
We've hit the truffle trove!
368
00:14:08,807 --> 00:14:10,517
[both snorting]
369
00:14:12,477 --> 00:14:14,397
Wow, you look great, MODOK.
370
00:14:14,396 --> 00:14:16,186
I love your new bone structure.
371
00:14:16,190 --> 00:14:17,320
Why, thank you, Jodie.
372
00:14:17,316 --> 00:14:20,026
I picked out my cheekbones
all by myself.
373
00:14:20,027 --> 00:14:21,857
[camera shutters snapping]
374
00:14:21,862 --> 00:14:23,202
Please don't make a scene.
375
00:14:23,197 --> 00:14:26,487
It's not the time or the place
to pick a fight with Wonder Man,
376
00:14:26,491 --> 00:14:29,331
even though you and I
both know you'd win.
377
00:14:29,328 --> 00:14:31,578
And with everyone watching?
378
00:14:31,580 --> 00:14:34,210
I mean, you'd be an instant legend.
379
00:14:34,208 --> 00:14:36,128
Wow.
But don't do it.
380
00:14:36,126 --> 00:14:39,586
Don't you dare... do it.
381
00:14:39,588 --> 00:14:41,798
Oh. Well, don't worry.
I've changed.
382
00:14:41,798 --> 00:14:45,218
I'm a new man. I literally have pieces
of other men grafted to my body.
383
00:14:45,219 --> 00:14:46,799
Oh, look who I found!
384
00:14:46,803 --> 00:14:49,393
And MODOK, I'm glad
you're here tonight, brother.
385
00:14:49,389 --> 00:14:51,429
As am I.
386
00:14:51,433 --> 00:14:53,193
Being friends
with my girlfriends' husbands
387
00:14:53,185 --> 00:14:55,515
has always been
very important to me.
388
00:14:55,521 --> 00:14:58,611
This tattoo means
"blended family" in Wakandan.
389
00:14:58,607 --> 00:15:01,937
Same here.
About the importance.
390
00:15:01,944 --> 00:15:04,074
And just so you know,
I told the kids
391
00:15:04,071 --> 00:15:06,111
there is no rush
to call me "daddy."
392
00:15:06,114 --> 00:15:07,494
Thanks for that.
393
00:15:07,491 --> 00:15:09,451
Would you like to walk
the red carpet with me?
394
00:15:09,451 --> 00:15:10,791
More than anything!
395
00:15:12,120 --> 00:15:15,120
Make room, Bruce and Ashton,
because here comes another guy
396
00:15:15,123 --> 00:15:17,583
who's being very cool
about everything!
397
00:15:17,584 --> 00:15:18,384
Bring it in.
398
00:15:18,377 --> 00:15:21,507
[whispers] If it weren't for Jodie,
I'd be bathing in a river of your blood.
399
00:15:21,505 --> 00:15:24,375
I'd rip out your throat
and feed it to stray dogs.
400
00:15:24,383 --> 00:15:26,343
[whispers] If it weren't for Jodie,
I'd wreck you, bro.
401
00:15:26,343 --> 00:15:28,643
But the only killing I'm doing
is with kindness.
402
00:15:28,637 --> 00:15:31,637
It's official! We're going
fourwheeling together!
403
00:15:31,640 --> 00:15:35,190
I love that this man
sleeps in my bed!
404
00:15:35,185 --> 00:15:37,475
Jodie, they're just holding
each other sweetly.
405
00:15:37,479 --> 00:15:39,519
You said there would be drama.
406
00:15:39,523 --> 00:15:42,863
Wherever MODOK goes,
catastrophe follows.
407
00:15:43,277 --> 00:15:46,527
This sucks. Mom's just using us
to make her look good.
408
00:15:46,530 --> 00:15:49,700
Yeah! Which is stupid because her outfit
already makes her look amazing!
409
00:15:49,700 --> 00:15:53,660
Screw this. If this is a party,
then let's go party.
410
00:15:54,121 --> 00:15:56,961
Good thing Dad doesn't keep
a lock on the liquor cabinet.
411
00:15:56,957 --> 00:15:58,577
Yeah, time to be bad.
412
00:15:58,584 --> 00:16:01,844
But maybe the baddest thing we can do
is do as we're told.
413
00:16:01,837 --> 00:16:03,167
Oooh!
Ugh.
414
00:16:03,547 --> 00:16:06,507
Damn, no Kahlua.
That's my drink.
415
00:16:06,508 --> 00:16:08,888
What is this?
Oh, no way!
416
00:16:08,886 --> 00:16:11,636
It's Dad's Skinny Boy Laserita Gun.
417
00:16:11,638 --> 00:16:15,018
It's a ray that makes you feel drunk
without drinking anything.
418
00:16:15,017 --> 00:16:16,437
[gasps]
I shouldn't be holding this.
419
00:16:16,435 --> 00:16:17,975
I thought it was
one of those safe bullet guns.
420
00:16:18,687 --> 00:16:21,267
[slurring]
I feel like a Golden Girl!
421
00:16:21,273 --> 00:16:22,193
Shoot me!
422
00:16:22,733 --> 00:16:26,283
I don't know if I'm feeling it.
Did I hear someone talking shit?
423
00:16:28,280 --> 00:16:29,450
Listen closely, Wonder Man.
424
00:16:29,448 --> 00:16:32,488
You're going to ruin Jodie's big night
by punching me so hard
425
00:16:32,492 --> 00:16:35,082
that you'll get blood
all over this red carpet, ruining it.
426
00:16:35,078 --> 00:16:36,908
I would never do that to my queen.
427
00:16:36,914 --> 00:16:40,044
I'm gonna be on my hands and knees
looking for my teeth in the grass
428
00:16:40,042 --> 00:16:41,462
while my kids cry!
429
00:16:41,460 --> 00:16:43,960
If anyone's going to get punched,
it's me by you.
430
00:16:43,962 --> 00:16:47,222
Nahuh. You're going to kick
my dick off in front of my son.
431
00:16:47,216 --> 00:16:48,006
I'm cool, brother.
432
00:16:48,008 --> 00:16:51,638
Oh no! I got martini all over you.
433
00:16:51,637 --> 00:16:53,387
Ugh. This is so embarrassing.
434
00:16:53,388 --> 00:16:55,138
He's not embarrassed at all.
435
00:16:55,140 --> 00:16:56,730
He's got a gorgeous body!
[camera shutters clicking]
436
00:16:57,226 --> 00:17:00,266
MELISSA: Here comes
the mothertruckin' ruckus!
437
00:17:00,270 --> 00:17:01,730
Yaahoo!
438
00:17:01,730 --> 00:17:03,270
LOU: Ahhh!
439
00:17:03,273 --> 00:17:04,573
Take that, piano!
440
00:17:04,566 --> 00:17:06,686
Rock and roll music is what's cool.
441
00:17:06,693 --> 00:17:09,663
Oh no! Billy Joel!
What have I done?
442
00:17:10,697 --> 00:17:12,157
I gotta know one thing, MODOK.
443
00:17:12,157 --> 00:17:13,697
Do you wanna be
on the right or the left
444
00:17:13,700 --> 00:17:15,700
when we both walk Melissa
down the aisle?
445
00:17:15,702 --> 00:17:17,912
Jodie's just using you for sex!
What did you say?
446
00:17:17,913 --> 00:17:21,333
Jodie is just using you for sex.
447
00:17:21,333 --> 00:17:22,543
Take it back, MODOK.
448
00:17:22,543 --> 00:17:25,463
You're just a body
that Jodie is primally attracted to.
449
00:17:25,462 --> 00:17:27,592
Jodie loves me.
It's just lust.
450
00:17:27,589 --> 00:17:30,429
And when she's done receiving
all the bonetingling orgasms
451
00:17:30,425 --> 00:17:31,425
I could never provide,
452
00:17:31,426 --> 00:17:33,756
she'll drop you like a hot bowl of grits.
453
00:17:33,762 --> 00:17:35,432
Shut up. Shut up. Shut up!
454
00:17:35,430 --> 00:17:37,220
[crowd gasps]
455
00:17:37,224 --> 00:17:41,694
Jodie... just loves...
your huge... penis.
456
00:17:41,687 --> 00:17:43,107
It's barely above average!
457
00:17:45,649 --> 00:17:49,109
MODOK!
Jodie, he hit me. I'm hurt.
458
00:17:52,239 --> 00:17:54,159
I saw everything.
459
00:17:54,157 --> 00:17:56,447
MODOK, you provoked him!
460
00:17:56,451 --> 00:17:58,331
I'm a victim!
Oh please.
461
00:17:58,328 --> 00:18:02,208
The new hair, the new teeth,
the new butt you stapled to your chair.
462
00:18:02,207 --> 00:18:04,417
It's all so superficial.
463
00:18:04,418 --> 00:18:06,918
You're always gonna be
the same MODOK.
464
00:18:06,920 --> 00:18:07,880
But, Jodes
465
00:18:07,880 --> 00:18:09,970
I suggest you leave,
466
00:18:09,965 --> 00:18:11,465
after tagging yourself
in a photo with the book
467
00:18:11,466 --> 00:18:13,046
and posting on Instagram!
468
00:18:13,051 --> 00:18:14,971
[crowd applauding]
469
00:18:22,352 --> 00:18:23,102
[squirrel chittering]
470
00:18:24,646 --> 00:18:25,606
[both laugh]
471
00:18:25,606 --> 00:18:26,936
This is amazing.
472
00:18:26,940 --> 00:18:31,070
Yeah. I have been wanting
to get squirrels drunk for forever.
473
00:18:31,069 --> 00:18:35,699
No. No. I'm talking
about us actually hanging out.
474
00:18:35,699 --> 00:18:37,489
Yeah. You've been alright.
475
00:18:37,492 --> 00:18:40,292
I used to think that Dad sucked
more than anyone,
476
00:18:40,287 --> 00:18:42,497
but then I met Wonder Man.
477
00:18:42,497 --> 00:18:44,457
Geez, Mom really knows
how to pick 'em.
478
00:18:45,042 --> 00:18:46,502
Mom kinda sucks now too.
479
00:18:46,502 --> 00:18:49,252
I know!
She's such a phony.
480
00:18:49,254 --> 00:18:53,514
Man, they are not handling
the divorce well at all.
481
00:18:53,884 --> 00:18:55,644
At least we have each other, Lou.
482
00:18:56,094 --> 00:18:58,724
Yeah, we'll always have each other.
483
00:18:59,723 --> 00:19:01,983
Well, until I go to college.
484
00:19:02,684 --> 00:19:04,814
Yeah, yeah, until then.
485
00:19:05,646 --> 00:19:08,856
Oh. Oh. I'm gonna try to get
these two neighbor dogs to bang.
486
00:19:09,316 --> 00:19:11,066
[dogs barking]
Nice!
487
00:19:11,068 --> 00:19:13,528
I missed
but they started anyway.
488
00:19:14,530 --> 00:19:18,660
♪
489
00:19:24,039 --> 00:19:29,039
♪
490
00:19:32,172 --> 00:19:34,802
"Chapter One:
Honoring your space."
491
00:19:34,800 --> 00:19:38,010
JODIE'S VOICE:
Your home is a reflection of your spirit.
492
00:19:38,011 --> 00:19:39,681
[rats squeaking]
[rhythmic slapping]
493
00:19:42,808 --> 00:19:44,308
Oh shit.
494
00:19:44,309 --> 00:19:47,059
My book is number one, baby!
495
00:19:47,062 --> 00:19:49,062
Eat my pussy, Chicken Goop!
496
00:19:49,064 --> 00:19:50,574
I'm so happy for you, babe.
497
00:19:50,566 --> 00:19:53,526
I knew if MODOK saw us
at that takeout place,
498
00:19:53,527 --> 00:19:55,897
he'd show up
and make a scene.
499
00:19:55,904 --> 00:19:58,624
Oh, and you!
Oh, bravissimo!
500
00:19:58,615 --> 00:20:01,365
How come you're never
that convincing in movies?
501
00:20:01,368 --> 00:20:04,288
So, what's next for WonderJo?
502
00:20:04,288 --> 00:20:06,208
Well, I thought we were going
axthrowing after dinner?
503
00:20:06,206 --> 00:20:07,746
No, I mean, like for our brand.
504
00:20:07,749 --> 00:20:11,039
This relationship is so hot,
we need to keep it simmering.
505
00:20:11,044 --> 00:20:13,594
Are you just dating me
for the fame?
506
00:20:13,589 --> 00:20:14,799
Yeah.
507
00:20:14,798 --> 00:20:17,628
Ooh, we should we get caught
in a bribery scandal!
508
00:20:17,634 --> 00:20:20,854
But who would we bribe
and for what
509
00:20:21,513 --> 00:20:24,393
Jodie, I had real feelings for you.
510
00:20:24,391 --> 00:20:25,771
Really?
511
00:20:26,310 --> 00:20:28,230
Wait, what do you mean "had"?
512
00:20:28,228 --> 00:20:29,648
If you're breaking up with me right now,
513
00:20:29,646 --> 00:20:31,606
we need to be
in a much more public space.
514
00:20:31,607 --> 00:20:32,647
What happened to you?
515
00:20:32,649 --> 00:20:34,569
You made me beat up
your exhusband.
516
00:20:34,568 --> 00:20:36,698
You gave your son
a peanut allergy.
517
00:20:36,695 --> 00:20:38,855
You laughed at that!
I was in love!
518
00:20:38,864 --> 00:20:41,584
You're always talking about how
we should pose for the cameras.
519
00:20:41,575 --> 00:20:45,115
That's because I'm shallow,
and how dare you hold that against me!
520
00:20:45,120 --> 00:20:47,620
You know, I always Wondered, trademark,
521
00:20:47,623 --> 00:20:49,463
how you could have been married
to a supervillain.
522
00:20:49,458 --> 00:20:52,338
But now I get it.
You're just like MODOK.
523
00:20:52,336 --> 00:20:53,296
Maybe worse.
524
00:20:53,295 --> 00:20:56,005
Now if you'll excuse me,
I have to go slam a dumpster lid
525
00:20:56,006 --> 00:20:57,876
on the Tatterdemalion's fingers.
526
00:20:58,550 --> 00:20:59,720
Goodbye, Jodie.
527
00:21:01,929 --> 00:21:03,429
Oh God!
528
00:21:06,517 --> 00:21:09,597
It all went perfectly
according to plan
529
00:21:09,603 --> 00:21:11,103
just like you said.
530
00:21:11,104 --> 00:21:14,534
Then it's time to enact...
the second phase.
531
00:21:14,525 --> 00:21:17,395
Mmm... yes... the next phase.
532
00:21:17,402 --> 00:21:18,822
I 100% remember it,
533
00:21:18,820 --> 00:21:21,660
but if you could just
say it out loud anyway, whatever,
534
00:21:21,657 --> 00:21:24,027
because it's so good.
535
00:21:24,034 --> 00:21:27,044
I believe he's referring to me.
536
00:21:27,037 --> 00:21:29,207
[cackling]
537
00:21:29,206 --> 00:21:31,496
Why is he laughing?
He didn't say anything funny!
538
00:21:31,500 --> 00:21:33,420
Who is this?
Arcade.
539
00:21:33,418 --> 00:21:36,048
He's a specialist... of death!
540
00:21:36,046 --> 00:21:37,206
[chuckles]
[Arcade continues cackling]
541
00:21:38,340 --> 00:21:41,890
Am I missing something?
That wasn't funny either!
542
00:21:42,469 --> 00:21:43,639
JODIE'S VOICE:
Chapter three.
543
00:21:45,097 --> 00:21:48,637
Jodifying isn't only
about organizing your closets.
544
00:21:48,934 --> 00:21:51,234
It's about spiritual tidiness.
545
00:21:51,854 --> 00:21:53,234
Chapter ten.
546
00:21:53,897 --> 00:21:57,107
We hold onto things
because we're afraid of losing them.
547
00:21:58,110 --> 00:22:02,490
But ultimately we hold on so tight
we lose the most important thing of all:
548
00:22:03,198 --> 00:22:04,528
ourselves.
549
00:22:04,533 --> 00:22:07,203
Letting go... is essential
550
00:22:07,619 --> 00:22:09,829
to living in balance.
551
00:22:16,628 --> 00:22:19,458
Jodie, there's something
I wanna say.
552
00:22:19,464 --> 00:22:21,724
You were right.
I really needed to change.
553
00:22:21,717 --> 00:22:25,387
I'm still in love with you
and wanted for it to work between us.
554
00:22:25,387 --> 00:22:27,137
But now
[inhales deeply]
555
00:22:27,139 --> 00:22:30,679
I know that I was trying
for my own sake, not yours.
556
00:22:31,560 --> 00:22:34,060
The right thing to do is to let go.
557
00:22:37,232 --> 00:22:38,732
Jodie, what are you doing?
558
00:22:38,734 --> 00:22:39,824
[both moaning]
559
00:22:39,818 --> 00:22:40,898
Come here.
560
00:22:40,903 --> 00:22:42,613
Oh! Oh!
561
00:22:43,322 --> 00:22:44,872
[clattering]
562
00:22:46,033 --> 00:22:47,623
I missed you so much.
563
00:22:47,618 --> 00:22:50,498
♪
42518
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