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1
00:00:05,300 --> 00:00:06,300
Tom.
2
00:00:06,300 --> 00:00:08,300
What?
3
00:00:08,300 --> 00:00:10,300
There's something
I have to tell you.
4
00:00:11,300 --> 00:00:13,300
Look, I found a whistle
in the bathroom.
5
00:00:13,300 --> 00:00:14,300
Oh, good man. A whistle!
6
00:00:14,300 --> 00:00:17,300
Get that our of your mouth.
It's not a whistle!
7
00:00:17,300 --> 00:00:20,300
Oh, Mum! Drew, will you go and play
in your bedroom, please?
8
00:00:20,300 --> 00:00:21,540
I need to speak to your father.
9
00:00:23,300 --> 00:00:25,300
Stop that, Drew.
10
00:00:30,300 --> 00:00:31,300
Tom, now, listen.
11
00:00:34,300 --> 00:00:38,300
It's not a whistle, is it?
It's a pregnancy test.
12
00:00:38,300 --> 00:00:41,300
Yes. Breathe. Breathe.
13
00:00:41,300 --> 00:00:46,300
Are we going to have a baby?
We can't afford a baby.
14
00:00:46,300 --> 00:00:47,300
Well...
15
00:00:47,300 --> 00:00:50,300
Please tell me I'm not the father.
16
00:00:52,300 --> 00:00:56,300
? I think I'll rest a little more
17
00:00:56,300 --> 00:01:00,300
? Cos the noise in my head
keeps banging at the door
18
00:01:00,300 --> 00:01:03,300
? Something easy I'll find hard
19
00:01:03,300 --> 00:01:07,300
? It's the man in me
that keeps me running scared
20
00:01:07,300 --> 00:01:11,300
? Cos your life spins round
like a merry-go-round
21
00:01:11,300 --> 00:01:15,300
? And you can't escape
from these ups and downs
22
00:01:15,300 --> 00:01:18,300
? Your dream's on hold
for this crazy world
23
00:01:18,300 --> 00:01:23,300
? But I wouldn't change a thing. ?
24
00:01:25,300 --> 00:01:28,300
MUTTERS: Stupid baby guy.
25
00:01:33,300 --> 00:01:34,300
Baby...
26
00:01:39,300 --> 00:01:43,300
MOCKING VOICE: Oh, baby,
look, I'm pregnant.
27
00:01:44,300 --> 00:01:48,300
I'm pregnant. Oh, oh, oh.
28
00:01:57,300 --> 00:02:01,300
Oh! My waters have broken!
29
00:02:04,300 --> 00:02:11,300
Oh, look. It's a little baby girl.
Hello. We can't afford you.
30
00:02:13,300 --> 00:02:17,300
That's right. We cannot afford you.
31
00:02:17,300 --> 00:02:18,300
Little baby.
32
00:02:18,300 --> 00:02:21,300
HE MAKES BABY TALK
33
00:02:26,300 --> 00:02:30,300
I'm collecting. Just collecting.
34
00:02:30,300 --> 00:02:31,300
Do you want a sandwich?
35
00:02:31,300 --> 00:02:36,300
No! Ah, I've just remembered.
36
00:02:37,300 --> 00:02:41,300
Oh... God.
37
00:02:41,300 --> 00:02:43,300
What about ye?!
38
00:02:43,300 --> 00:02:46,300
What's up with that
neighbour of yours, Tom?
39
00:02:46,300 --> 00:02:47,300
He's seen me having a baby.
40
00:02:47,300 --> 00:02:50,300
Maybe you can get some blinds
for the downstairs bog, big lad.
41
00:02:50,300 --> 00:02:53,300
What? No, not... Oh, doesn't matter.
42
00:02:53,300 --> 00:02:55,300
What doesn't matter?
43
00:02:55,300 --> 00:02:57,300
Ah, your man Brendan's
seen Tom having a baby.
44
00:02:57,300 --> 00:02:58,300
Who's having a baby?
45
00:02:58,300 --> 00:02:59,300
No-one's having a baby.
46
00:02:59,300 --> 00:03:03,300
Sarah Murphy's having a baby
and her mother is 86.
47
00:03:03,300 --> 00:03:07,300
What does it matter
if Sarah Murphy's mother is 86?
48
00:03:07,300 --> 00:03:08,300
Who's having a baby?
49
00:03:08,300 --> 00:03:09,300
Sarah Murphy's having a baby.
50
00:03:09,300 --> 00:03:11,300
Is she? Her mother's 86 though.
51
00:03:11,300 --> 00:03:14,300
I know, I know.
I was only talking to Tom about it.
52
00:03:14,300 --> 00:03:16,300
Talking to Tom about a baby. Yes.
53
00:03:16,300 --> 00:03:17,300
Is Tom having a baby?
54
00:03:17,300 --> 00:03:20,300
I thought Sarah Murphy
was having a baby.
55
00:03:20,300 --> 00:03:21,381
Are you having a baby, son?
56
00:03:22,300 --> 00:03:26,300
Look, everyone,
no-one is having a baby.
57
00:03:26,300 --> 00:03:28,300
He was having a shite.
58
00:03:28,300 --> 00:03:33,300
? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. ?
59
00:03:34,300 --> 00:03:37,300
Right, this is the last time
I'm going to say this.
60
00:03:37,300 --> 00:03:41,300
The test was negative
but I have had two kids
61
00:03:41,300 --> 00:03:43,300
and I feel pregnant.
62
00:03:43,300 --> 00:03:46,300
All right, all right. I get it.
You feel pregnant.
63
00:03:46,300 --> 00:03:47,300
Right, now, enough.
64
00:03:47,300 --> 00:03:49,300
OK, maybe I'm overreacting.
65
00:03:49,300 --> 00:03:51,300
Yeah, well, you've taken it
better than you did
66
00:03:51,300 --> 00:03:54,300
when I said I was pregnant
with Dylan. Really? Yeah.
67
00:03:54,300 --> 00:03:56,300
What?! I know, I can't believe it.
68
00:03:56,300 --> 00:03:58,300
I mean, I thought it was
going to take a while
69
00:03:58,300 --> 00:04:01,300
but, you know, then it happened
and I just...
70
00:04:03,300 --> 00:04:06,300
Just a once off.
And Drew?
71
00:04:06,300 --> 00:04:08,300
Oh, my God, a baby!
72
00:04:08,300 --> 00:04:10,300
I know, another one,
I can't believe it.
73
00:04:10,300 --> 00:04:13,300
So, listen, I'm going to
have to sort out the house
74
00:04:13,300 --> 00:04:15,300
because, you know,
I have to find some new space...
75
00:04:21,300 --> 00:04:24,300
OK, I promise this time I'll man up.
76
00:04:24,300 --> 00:04:25,300
Well, let's not be unrealistic.
77
00:04:25,300 --> 00:04:30,300
Now, let's keep it to ourselves
until we find out for sure, OK?
78
00:04:30,300 --> 00:04:31,300
OK.
79
00:04:31,300 --> 00:04:35,300
ALL: Congratulations!
80
00:04:35,300 --> 00:04:37,300
Well done, Tom.
81
00:04:37,300 --> 00:04:40,300
When I said don't tell anyone,
I especially meant this lot.
82
00:04:40,300 --> 00:04:43,300
We're going to be
grandparents again.
83
00:04:43,300 --> 00:04:46,300
Yeah, and you're not near 86, Mary.
84
00:04:46,300 --> 00:04:48,300
We're pregnant!
85
00:04:48,300 --> 00:04:52,300
Roddy, if we were having a baby,
we wouldn't need a midwife,
86
00:04:52,300 --> 00:04:54,300
we'd need a vet.
87
00:04:54,300 --> 00:04:56,300
I'm just so happy.
88
00:04:56,300 --> 00:04:57,300
Fair dos, son.
89
00:04:57,300 --> 00:05:00,300
Always hard to knock
another one out at your age.
90
00:05:01,300 --> 00:05:04,300
Only 40, Dad.
91
00:05:04,300 --> 00:05:07,300
I know, I know, but they're not
so much swimmers at that age.
92
00:05:07,300 --> 00:05:11,300
They're more like OAPs
queuing at a post office,
93
00:05:11,300 --> 00:05:17,300
nudging each other forward until
one of them falls off the end.
94
00:05:17,300 --> 00:05:18,300
What now, woman?
95
00:05:18,300 --> 00:05:21,300
Blabbing your mouth off
about trouser action.
96
00:05:23,300 --> 00:05:25,300
I hope you haven't told the kids.
97
00:05:25,300 --> 00:05:26,300
Erm...
98
00:05:26,300 --> 00:05:28,300
KIDS: Congratulations!
99
00:05:32,300 --> 00:05:35,300
Oh, mind the baby, son.
Mind the baby there.
100
00:05:35,300 --> 00:05:37,300
Where did you find that one?
101
00:05:37,300 --> 00:05:40,300
You keep hiding them,
I'll keep finding them.
102
00:05:40,300 --> 00:05:42,300
Look, everyone, we don't even
know if I'm pregnant
103
00:05:42,300 --> 00:05:45,300
until I've seen Dr Lang.
104
00:05:45,300 --> 00:05:46,300
So have you and Dad had sex?
105
00:05:46,300 --> 00:05:48,300
I suppose so.
106
00:05:50,300 --> 00:05:53,300
Whay! To the baby!
107
00:05:53,300 --> 00:05:55,300
To the baby. Uh-uh.
108
00:05:58,300 --> 00:06:00,300
HALF-HEARTEDLY: Cheers.
109
00:06:04,300 --> 00:06:07,300
Dylan, where are we
going to live now?
110
00:06:07,300 --> 00:06:08,300
What?!
111
00:06:08,300 --> 00:06:12,300
When the baby comes.
Mum and Dad won't want us any more.
112
00:06:13,300 --> 00:06:17,300
We'll have to go to an orphanage
like Annie and Oliver
113
00:06:17,300 --> 00:06:20,300
and learn how to...
SINGS: Sing!
114
00:06:20,300 --> 00:06:26,300
Well, I won't have to go
to an orphanage, but you might.
115
00:06:26,300 --> 00:06:27,300
Why only me?
116
00:06:27,300 --> 00:06:30,300
Because I'm nearly fully grown.
You're not.
117
00:06:30,300 --> 00:06:31,300
They can still swap you
if they like.
118
00:06:31,300 --> 00:06:33,300
What?
119
00:06:33,300 --> 00:06:35,300
Yup, those are the rules.
120
00:06:35,300 --> 00:06:36,300
What should I do?
121
00:06:36,300 --> 00:06:37,300
You have to impress them somehow
122
00:06:37,300 --> 00:06:39,300
so they want to keep you
instead of the baby.
123
00:06:39,300 --> 00:06:43,300
OK. I can do this.
124
00:06:47,300 --> 00:06:50,300
You'll defo be going if you do that.
Mum and Dad hate mime.
125
00:06:51,300 --> 00:06:53,300
OK, how about this?
126
00:06:53,300 --> 00:06:54,300
TAKES A DEEP BREATH
127
00:07:02,300 --> 00:07:05,300
Come on, we're going to be
late for school and work.
128
00:07:05,300 --> 00:07:08,300
Yes, Dad! Anything for
the best dad in the world.
129
00:07:08,300 --> 00:07:11,300
I'm going to be back late from work
because I'm going to see Dr Lang.
130
00:07:11,300 --> 00:07:14,300
Oh, would you reckon
we're going to have a baby?
131
00:07:14,300 --> 00:07:15,300
Maybe a baby.
132
00:07:17,300 --> 00:07:19,300
Is it a baby baby or a maybe baby?
133
00:07:19,300 --> 00:07:22,300
Well, we may be having a baby
so it's a maybe baby.
134
00:07:22,300 --> 00:07:25,300
Or maybe we won't be having a baby.
135
00:07:25,300 --> 00:07:28,300
Oh, I'd say it's a definitely baby,
not a maybe baby.
136
00:07:29,300 --> 00:07:31,300
You all right, Tom?
137
00:07:31,300 --> 00:07:32,300
Mmm... yes?
138
00:07:32,300 --> 00:07:34,300
You're looking a bit pale.
139
00:07:34,300 --> 00:07:35,300
Am I?
140
00:07:35,300 --> 00:07:36,300
Yeah. Oh.
141
00:07:36,300 --> 00:07:39,300
Not starting to overreact, are you?
142
00:07:39,300 --> 00:07:40,300
Nope. Sure?
143
00:07:40,300 --> 00:07:41,300
Yes.
144
00:07:41,300 --> 00:07:44,300
OK, right, come on then, kids.
145
00:07:44,300 --> 00:07:46,300
See you later, love. Bye, Dad.
146
00:07:46,300 --> 00:07:47,300
See yas.
147
00:07:47,300 --> 00:07:48,300
Bye.
148
00:07:48,300 --> 00:07:49,300
Bye.
149
00:07:52,300 --> 00:07:53,300
I'd love a bowl of coal.
150
00:08:18,300 --> 00:08:20,300
HE RETCHES
151
00:08:26,300 --> 00:08:29,300
What about ye?
152
00:08:31,300 --> 00:08:32,300
Roddy.
153
00:08:32,300 --> 00:08:34,300
What is it, Tom? You all right?
154
00:08:34,300 --> 00:08:38,300
I don't feel well at all.
Here, do I...?
155
00:08:38,300 --> 00:08:39,300
Do I look weird, Roddy?
156
00:08:39,300 --> 00:08:42,300
Tom, we're Irish.
It's our job to look weird.
157
00:08:42,300 --> 00:08:47,300
Look, here. Here, have a feel.
Have a feel of that.
158
00:08:47,300 --> 00:08:48,300
Hang on a minute, mate.
159
00:08:48,300 --> 00:08:50,300
I know you're one of those
stay-at-home wifey types,
160
00:08:50,300 --> 00:08:53,300
you know what I mean, but you're
taking it a wee bit too far.
161
00:08:53,300 --> 00:08:56,300
Number one, I'm not the milkman.
Number two, you're not my type.
162
00:08:56,300 --> 00:08:59,300
They're bigger. I'm sure they are.
163
00:08:59,300 --> 00:09:02,300
I've got moobs. You have moobs.
164
00:09:02,300 --> 00:09:03,300
I do not have moobs. You do.
165
00:09:03,300 --> 00:09:05,300
Conical pecs.
166
00:09:05,300 --> 00:09:09,300
Well, they're bigger than your moobs.
Yep. They definitely... Yep.
167
00:09:09,300 --> 00:09:12,300
They are bigger.
They're definitely...
168
00:09:15,300 --> 00:09:16,300
It's definitely bigger.
169
00:09:16,300 --> 00:09:18,300
Isn't it?
170
00:09:18,300 --> 00:09:19,300
It's getting bigger too.
171
00:09:19,300 --> 00:09:21,300
It is.
172
00:09:21,300 --> 00:09:23,300
Is that meant to get bigger?
173
00:09:27,300 --> 00:09:30,300
I can see you're busy.
174
00:09:30,300 --> 00:09:32,300
The Church can wait.
175
00:09:35,300 --> 00:09:37,300
Hell won't, though.
176
00:09:37,300 --> 00:09:38,300
OK.
177
00:09:42,300 --> 00:09:43,300
Weirdo.
178
00:09:48,300 --> 00:09:51,300
Look, Tom,
I think I need to get out there.
179
00:09:51,300 --> 00:09:53,300
Get myself a woman. You know?
180
00:09:53,300 --> 00:09:56,300
You sure that's a good idea
after the speed dating scenario?
181
00:09:56,300 --> 00:09:59,300
I'm from Belfast, own my own bar.
Don't have a cat, do have a dog.
182
00:09:59,300 --> 00:10:01,300
Probably got cats I don't know
about. Same as the kids.
183
00:10:01,300 --> 00:10:01,940
Only joking. Ha!
184
00:10:01,966 --> 00:10:04,325
I've got impetigo, bad back
and I've never been to Paris.
185
00:10:06,300 --> 00:10:08,300
Done the lot of ya!
186
00:10:08,300 --> 00:10:10,300
HE LAUGHS
187
00:10:10,300 --> 00:10:14,300
Write that down, sweetheart,
fastest speed dater ever.
188
00:10:17,300 --> 00:10:21,300
Tom, I need to get out there,
get on the internet,
189
00:10:21,300 --> 00:10:24,300
let the girls know that Roddy's back
in town, do you know what I mean?
190
00:10:24,300 --> 00:10:27,300
Set up some dates and stuff.
Pints, Friday?
191
00:10:27,300 --> 00:10:32,300
Erm, you know, I don't feel like
I should be drinking any more.
192
00:10:34,300 --> 00:10:37,300
Going to leave that
blasphemy with you.
193
00:10:37,300 --> 00:10:38,500
I'm out of here like Vladimir.
194
00:10:41,300 --> 00:10:44,300
My God. What's happening to me?
195
00:10:44,300 --> 00:10:46,300
What's wrong?
196
00:11:01,300 --> 00:11:04,300
TV: 'We've got buggies, baby grows
and baby bargains galore.
197
00:11:04,300 --> 00:11:08,300
'At Motherland. Remember,
all good mothers come to Motherland.
198
00:11:08,300 --> 00:11:09,300
'Come to Motherland.
199
00:11:10,300 --> 00:11:13,300
'Come to Motherland.'
200
00:11:14,300 --> 00:11:20,300
Must go to Motherland.
Must go to Motherland.
201
00:11:21,300 --> 00:11:23,300
Motherland!
202
00:11:30,300 --> 00:11:34,300
Nope. No, definitely not.
203
00:11:34,300 --> 00:11:35,300
Oh, yes.
204
00:11:37,300 --> 00:11:38,300
Hi, my name is Janet.
205
00:11:40,300 --> 00:11:43,300
I like pets and walking
in the countryside. Fair enough.
206
00:11:43,300 --> 00:11:46,300
I like nice conversation
even though I'm a bit shy.
207
00:11:46,300 --> 00:11:49,300
Aw, the quiet ones
are the wild ones though.
208
00:11:49,300 --> 00:11:52,300
I like archery,
chess and bread-making.
209
00:11:52,300 --> 00:11:54,300
God, I love baps.
210
00:11:56,300 --> 00:12:00,300
I'd like to meet a man
with similar interests.
211
00:12:00,300 --> 00:12:01,300
GSOH essential.
212
00:12:03,300 --> 00:12:04,300
GSOH?
213
00:12:06,300 --> 00:12:07,300
GSOH.
214
00:12:09,300 --> 00:12:14,300
"Well, hello, Janet.
My name is Roddy.
215
00:12:14,300 --> 00:12:20,300
"I like what you like
and, don't worry, I have GSOH.
216
00:12:20,300 --> 00:12:25,300
"Good size of hands." Send.
217
00:12:28,300 --> 00:12:29,300
Please don't be a bloke.
218
00:12:34,300 --> 00:12:37,300
So, those blood results
will take a day or two.
219
00:12:37,300 --> 00:12:39,300
We'll call you then.
OK, thank you, doctor.
220
00:12:39,300 --> 00:12:41,300
Are you on your own?
Yes, I am.
221
00:12:43,300 --> 00:12:45,300
Jeez! Was.
222
00:12:48,300 --> 00:12:50,300
Well?
223
00:12:50,300 --> 00:12:54,300
We still don't know.
The doctor had to do a blood test.
224
00:12:55,300 --> 00:12:56,300
Congratulations.
225
00:12:56,300 --> 00:12:58,300
Are you deaf? She doesn't know.
Now get rid of it.
226
00:12:58,300 --> 00:13:01,300
But it cost a tenner.
I said to get rid of it!
227
00:13:04,300 --> 00:13:07,300
There you go, love.
Congratulations on the baby.
228
00:13:07,300 --> 00:13:09,300
I'm not pregnant.
229
00:13:09,300 --> 00:13:11,300
Get out!
230
00:13:11,300 --> 00:13:15,300
I am so sorry.
Men - you can't live without them
231
00:13:15,300 --> 00:13:18,300
and if you kill them,
you have to go to prison.
232
00:13:18,300 --> 00:13:20,300
Get out! Get out.
233
00:13:22,300 --> 00:13:23,300
Sorry.
234
00:13:27,300 --> 00:13:31,300
Take it easy now, Elaine.
We have you. We have you.
235
00:13:31,300 --> 00:13:32,300
Grab her other arm there, Pat.
236
00:13:32,300 --> 00:13:34,300
I have her other arm, woman.
237
00:13:34,300 --> 00:13:36,300
Now, breathe and take small steps,
Elaine.
238
00:13:36,300 --> 00:13:39,300
Will you get off me?
Go and sit down, Pat.
239
00:13:39,300 --> 00:13:41,300
I don't even know
that I'm pregnant yet.
240
00:13:41,300 --> 00:13:44,300
Well, a maybe baby
is good enough for me.
241
00:13:44,300 --> 00:13:46,300
Elaine? What?
242
00:13:46,300 --> 00:13:48,300
You better come in here quick.
243
00:13:49,300 --> 00:13:51,300
MUSIC: THEME FROM "BLACK BEAUTY"
244
00:13:51,300 --> 00:13:54,300
HE SINGS ALONG THROUGH SOBS
245
00:14:02,300 --> 00:14:03,300
Help me!
246
00:14:03,300 --> 00:14:06,300
Tom! You said you weren't
gonna overreact.
247
00:14:06,300 --> 00:14:07,300
This is the worst yet.
248
00:14:07,300 --> 00:14:09,300
I'm sorry.
249
00:14:09,300 --> 00:14:11,300
We can't afford all this stuff.
250
00:14:11,300 --> 00:14:15,300
I couldn't help it. I just thought
it might just cheer me up.
251
00:14:15,300 --> 00:14:17,300
Oh, will you stop weeping?
252
00:14:17,300 --> 00:14:20,300
Oh, I can't help it.
I'm just so happy!
253
00:14:20,300 --> 00:14:23,300
We don't even know for sure yet
whether I'm pregnant.
254
00:14:23,300 --> 00:14:26,300
It's just that Roddy,
he texted and, er...
255
00:14:26,300 --> 00:14:28,300
he has a date.
256
00:14:28,300 --> 00:14:30,300
Isn't that beautiful?
HE SOBS.
257
00:14:33,300 --> 00:14:36,300
But not... Not as beautiful as these.
258
00:14:38,300 --> 00:14:41,300
Give me that.
You're starting to stress me out.
259
00:14:41,300 --> 00:14:44,300
I'm the one who might be pregnant,
not him.
260
00:14:44,300 --> 00:14:46,300
Christ, soon his boobs'll
be bigger than mine.
261
00:14:46,300 --> 00:14:48,300
I'm right here, you know!
262
00:14:48,300 --> 00:14:51,300
Yeah, we all know where you are,
Tom, you take up half the room.
263
00:14:51,300 --> 00:14:55,300
HE GASPS
That is so hurtful.
264
00:14:57,300 --> 00:14:58,300
Can you believe this?
265
00:14:58,300 --> 00:15:00,300
I blame his father.
266
00:15:00,300 --> 00:15:02,300
It's not Pat's fault, Mary.
267
00:15:02,300 --> 00:15:04,300
Ah, no, she blames me
for everything.
268
00:15:04,300 --> 00:15:08,300
She even asked me where I was
when JFK was shot.
269
00:15:08,300 --> 00:15:12,300
No, you eejit,
that's just something people ask -
270
00:15:12,300 --> 00:15:16,300
like, "Where were you
when Princess Diana died?"
271
00:15:16,300 --> 00:15:18,300
I didn't do that either, woman.
272
00:15:21,300 --> 00:15:24,300
Elaine, this exact same thing
happened to this eejit
273
00:15:24,300 --> 00:15:26,300
when I was pregnant with Tom.
274
00:15:26,300 --> 00:15:29,300
A full-blown sympathetic pregnancy.
275
00:15:35,300 --> 00:15:37,300
HE GROANS
276
00:15:37,300 --> 00:15:40,300
Pat doesn't even remember it,
do you, Pat?
277
00:15:40,300 --> 00:15:41,300
Remember what?
278
00:15:42,300 --> 00:15:46,300
Is it your birthday?
Oh, God. No, not our anniversary.
279
00:15:46,300 --> 00:15:48,300
Oh, you look lovely, Mary.
280
00:15:48,300 --> 00:15:51,300
Is it your hair?
Have you had your hair done?
281
00:15:51,300 --> 00:15:52,300
How would you even know?
282
00:15:52,300 --> 00:15:55,300
You spend all your time ogling
that woman from across the road.
283
00:15:55,300 --> 00:15:58,300
For God's sake, woman,
she only tucked me shirt in once.
284
00:15:58,300 --> 00:16:02,300
Am I to be punished for it
for the rest of me life?
285
00:16:03,300 --> 00:16:05,300
Is Dad having a baby, Mum?
286
00:16:05,300 --> 00:16:06,300
He thinks he is.
287
00:16:06,300 --> 00:16:07,300
Two babies?
288
00:16:07,300 --> 00:16:08,300
Aargh!
289
00:16:10,300 --> 00:16:14,300
TEARFULLY: They're such great kids.
I love them.
290
00:16:14,300 --> 00:16:17,300
Oh, I need to calm down.
Oh, getting a bit stressed.
291
00:16:17,300 --> 00:16:20,300
WHALE SONG PLAYS
292
00:16:22,300 --> 00:16:26,300
I cannot take much more of this.
What's the cure, Mary?
293
00:16:26,300 --> 00:16:30,300
I don't know.
Pat went all the way with his.
294
00:16:31,300 --> 00:16:33,300
I'm not taking this for nine months!
295
00:16:33,300 --> 00:16:34,300
Can you look after the kids, Mary?
296
00:16:34,300 --> 00:16:37,300
No bother, love. Come on, Tom.
We're going to the doctor.
297
00:16:37,300 --> 00:16:39,300
Oh, good idea, a check up.
298
00:16:39,300 --> 00:16:41,300
Ooh!
299
00:16:41,300 --> 00:16:44,300
Oh, I hope she warms her hands
before she checks me down there.
300
00:16:46,300 --> 00:16:50,300
? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. ?
301
00:16:54,300 --> 00:16:56,300
Grandad?
302
00:16:56,300 --> 00:16:57,300
Yes, Drew?
303
00:16:57,300 --> 00:17:01,300
I was wondering if you could
help me with a school project.
304
00:17:01,300 --> 00:17:06,300
Ah, no worries.
I love a bit of homework myself.
305
00:17:06,300 --> 00:17:07,300
Great. First question -
306
00:17:07,300 --> 00:17:10,300
where do babies come from?
307
00:17:10,300 --> 00:17:11,300
Mary!
308
00:17:13,300 --> 00:17:14,300
MARY: I'm busy!
309
00:17:14,300 --> 00:17:16,300
Babies?
310
00:17:16,300 --> 00:17:19,300
Yeah, babies.
Where do they come out?
311
00:17:19,300 --> 00:17:21,300
Mary, I need you!
312
00:17:23,300 --> 00:17:25,300
Is it... here?
313
00:17:26,300 --> 00:17:28,300
Or... here?
314
00:17:30,300 --> 00:17:31,300
Is it...
315
00:17:33,300 --> 00:17:34,300
...here?
316
00:17:34,300 --> 00:17:37,300
Mary!
317
00:17:42,300 --> 00:17:43,300
So, how is he?
318
00:17:43,300 --> 00:17:45,300
Well, he seems fine.
319
00:17:45,300 --> 00:17:48,300
I've taken some urine and
blood samples in case of any fever,
320
00:17:48,300 --> 00:17:52,300
but although sympathetic pregnancies
are quite rare in men,
321
00:17:52,300 --> 00:17:53,421
he is showing all the signs.
322
00:17:54,300 --> 00:17:56,300
Did I mention my cracked areolae?
323
00:17:56,300 --> 00:17:58,300
Yes, many times.
324
00:17:59,300 --> 00:18:02,300
Well, let's hope
it wears off soon, eh?
325
00:18:02,300 --> 00:18:03,300
Oh, Elaine, when we get home,
326
00:18:03,300 --> 00:18:06,300
can we get some Vaseline for
my bruised and battered nipples?
327
00:18:08,300 --> 00:18:10,300
Good luck with that.
328
00:18:10,300 --> 00:18:13,300
Listen, thanks, Doc,
you've been brilliant. Thanks.
329
00:18:13,300 --> 00:18:15,300
OK... Great.
330
00:18:15,300 --> 00:18:18,300
So brilliant. So nice to me.
All right.
331
00:18:18,300 --> 00:18:20,300
Come on, leave the doctor now.
That's OK.
332
00:18:20,300 --> 00:18:23,300
Yeah, let's get you home, love,
333
00:18:23,300 --> 00:18:26,300
before you start lactating
all over the place.
334
00:18:26,300 --> 00:18:28,300
I think I got a little bit
on her top.
335
00:18:33,300 --> 00:18:39,300
And so, in conclusion,
yes, that is where babies come from.
336
00:18:43,300 --> 00:18:45,300
Right.
337
00:18:45,300 --> 00:18:47,300
Right. Well...
338
00:18:47,300 --> 00:18:49,300
that's that all cleared up, then.
339
00:18:49,300 --> 00:18:54,300
Yep. And now I know
where it's going to come out,
340
00:18:54,300 --> 00:18:56,300
I can capture it and then hide it.
341
00:18:56,300 --> 00:18:58,300
Why would you want to do that, love?
342
00:18:58,300 --> 00:19:02,300
I have to stop this baby coming,
cos if I don't,
343
00:19:02,300 --> 00:19:04,300
Mum and Dad are gonna get rid of me.
344
00:19:04,300 --> 00:19:06,300
Who told you that, son?
345
00:19:06,300 --> 00:19:10,300
The one they're going to keep. Dylan.
346
00:19:10,300 --> 00:19:12,300
Oh, did he, now?
347
00:19:12,300 --> 00:19:18,300
Yep. And now, I must get back to
the "stop the baby" planning room.
348
00:19:21,300 --> 00:19:22,300
Hi, Drew.
349
00:19:22,300 --> 00:19:24,300
TOM SIGHS
350
00:19:24,300 --> 00:19:26,300
Oh, I'll just go for another wee.
351
00:19:26,300 --> 00:19:28,300
Everything all right with the boys?
352
00:19:28,300 --> 00:19:30,300
Oh, yeah. Yeah, we, er...
353
00:19:30,300 --> 00:19:32,300
We learned a thing or two.
354
00:19:34,300 --> 00:19:35,300
Any luck at the doctor's?
355
00:19:35,300 --> 00:19:37,300
What, with Mother Goose out there?
356
00:19:37,300 --> 00:19:40,300
No. No luck.
She said I have to humour him.
357
00:19:40,300 --> 00:19:43,300
I keep getting that mixed up with
wanting to smack him in the face.
358
00:19:43,300 --> 00:19:47,300
Drew thinks he has to leave
once the baby comes.
359
00:19:47,300 --> 00:19:49,300
Who told him that?
360
00:19:49,300 --> 00:19:51,300
Our little pal Dylan.
361
00:19:51,300 --> 00:19:54,300
What about ye?!
HE CHUCKLES.
362
00:19:54,300 --> 00:19:56,461
Roddy. I didn't know you were
appearing in court today.
363
00:19:59,300 --> 00:20:01,300
Got a wee surprise for yous.
Is Tom about?
364
00:20:01,300 --> 00:20:04,300
Oh, is he?
He's in the toilet having a baby.
365
00:20:06,300 --> 00:20:10,300
I think the father might be that
Chinese meal we had the other night.
366
00:20:11,300 --> 00:20:12,300
There's somebody
I'd like yous to meet.
367
00:20:12,300 --> 00:20:14,300
Oh, Roddy. Exciting!
368
00:20:14,300 --> 00:20:19,300
Is it Mary Berry?
I hope so. I love her cakes.
369
00:20:19,300 --> 00:20:22,300
Not as much as I love yours.
370
00:20:22,300 --> 00:20:26,300
Janet, I'd like you to meet Mary.
371
00:20:26,300 --> 00:20:27,300
ON LAPTOP: 'Hello.'
372
00:20:27,300 --> 00:20:29,300
And this is Elaine.
373
00:20:29,300 --> 00:20:31,300
'Hello, nice to meet you.'
374
00:20:31,300 --> 00:20:33,300
And this is Pat.
375
00:20:34,300 --> 00:20:37,300
Where is she?
376
00:20:37,300 --> 00:20:38,300
Hello?
377
00:20:39,300 --> 00:20:41,300
She's in here, Pat. Look. In there.
378
00:20:41,300 --> 00:20:43,300
Is your date a film?
379
00:20:43,300 --> 00:20:48,300
Oh, eejit! Even I know she's online.
380
00:20:48,300 --> 00:20:50,300
SHOUTING: Hello, Janet.
381
00:20:50,300 --> 00:20:55,300
I'm Mary and this eejit here is Pat.
382
00:20:55,300 --> 00:20:57,300
Hello, Janet!
383
00:20:57,300 --> 00:20:59,300
Hello, everybody.
384
00:20:59,300 --> 00:21:01,300
Ooh, you have such a...
385
00:21:01,300 --> 00:21:03,300
Such a lovely house.
386
00:21:03,300 --> 00:21:06,300
Well, this isn't weird at all.
387
00:21:06,300 --> 00:21:08,300
Oh, who's that?
388
00:21:11,300 --> 00:21:13,300
Isn't she lovely, Elaine?
389
00:21:13,300 --> 00:21:15,300
Oh, there you are, Elaine.
390
00:21:15,300 --> 00:21:17,300
I know it's a bit odd but
when I first saw Roddy on screen,
391
00:21:17,300 --> 00:21:19,300
the way the camera captured his face.
392
00:21:19,300 --> 00:21:21,300
I know, like a chimp sneezing.
393
00:21:23,300 --> 00:21:25,300
I just... I fell for him immediately.
394
00:21:25,300 --> 00:21:29,300
I couldn't wait to meet him
in person, so... I just went for it.
395
00:21:29,300 --> 00:21:31,300
And have you been
out the country long, Janet?
396
00:21:31,300 --> 00:21:33,300
No, I'm in Watford.
397
00:21:36,300 --> 00:21:37,300
But we've had such a good time.
398
00:21:37,300 --> 00:21:39,476
We've just clicked,
if you'll excuse
399
00:21:39,502 --> 00:21:41,325
the pun, Elaine.
SHE GIGGLES.
400
00:21:42,300 --> 00:21:45,300
The best time ever,
wasn't it, Janet?
401
00:21:45,300 --> 00:21:47,300
SHE CHUCKLES
402
00:22:21,300 --> 00:22:25,300
Well, I think we should have
a little drink to celebrate.
403
00:22:25,300 --> 00:22:27,300
Would you like a drink, Janet?
404
00:22:27,300 --> 00:22:29,300
Are you going to email it to her?
405
00:22:29,300 --> 00:22:31,300
Can you do that now?
406
00:22:31,300 --> 00:22:35,300
In my day, you know,
you met a girl at a dance,
407
00:22:35,300 --> 00:22:37,300
but now you just carry them
around in a bag.
408
00:22:37,300 --> 00:22:42,300
I think she's lovely, Roddy.
SHOUTING: You're very nice, Janet.
409
00:22:42,300 --> 00:22:44,300
Oh, thank you!
410
00:22:44,300 --> 00:22:47,300
There you go Janet.
There's a little drink for you.
411
00:22:47,300 --> 00:22:51,300
Janet! Janet! I've lost her.
412
00:22:51,300 --> 00:22:53,300
Lost who? Janet!
413
00:22:58,300 --> 00:23:02,300
Ladies and gentlemen,
and everyone who's not sure.
414
00:23:04,300 --> 00:23:09,300
Please welcome, for the last time
before the baby comes, Drew Whyte.
415
00:23:09,300 --> 00:23:12,300
UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS
416
00:23:22,300 --> 00:23:25,300
MUSIC STOPS
417
00:23:25,300 --> 00:23:26,300
Please keep me.
418
00:23:26,300 --> 00:23:28,300
Please keep you?
419
00:23:28,300 --> 00:23:31,300
When the baby comes.
Please don't get rid of me.
420
00:23:31,300 --> 00:23:33,300
Who told you
we were going to do that?
421
00:23:33,300 --> 00:23:35,300
Got you, sucker!
422
00:23:35,300 --> 00:23:39,300
Oh, come here, Drew.
You're not anywhere.
423
00:23:39,300 --> 00:23:43,300
To see my little boy dancing.
Dancing like a king!
424
00:23:43,300 --> 00:23:46,300
A king! Dad, get a grip.
425
00:23:47,300 --> 00:23:49,300
Right, Mary. Let's go.
426
00:23:49,300 --> 00:23:50,300
You too, Dylan.
427
00:23:50,300 --> 00:23:53,300
What?
MARY: I've packed all your stuff.
428
00:23:53,300 --> 00:23:54,300
I'm not going anywhere.
429
00:23:54,300 --> 00:23:56,300
Oh, yes you are.
430
00:23:56,300 --> 00:23:59,300
You see, whenever there's talk
of a new baby coming to a house,
431
00:23:59,300 --> 00:24:02,300
the eldest has to leave
the house for ever
432
00:24:02,300 --> 00:24:05,300
and stay with the oldest
members of the family
433
00:24:05,300 --> 00:24:07,300
so we can pass on
all the knowledge to you.
434
00:24:07,300 --> 00:24:10,300
(Yes!) No, no, isn't it
the youngest that goes?
435
00:24:10,300 --> 00:24:12,300
Oh, no, it's definitely you.
436
00:24:12,300 --> 00:24:15,300
Sure, you'll have
great fun with us.
437
00:24:15,300 --> 00:24:20,300
Ah, you'll have a great time
watching Countdown every day and
438
00:24:20,300 --> 00:24:23,300
feeding us our tablets
and best of all,
439
00:24:23,300 --> 00:24:26,300
scrubbing us down in the bath.
440
00:24:26,300 --> 00:24:30,300
And remember to go in between
your granddad's toes.
441
00:24:30,300 --> 00:24:33,300
It's like the inside
of a quiche down there.
442
00:24:33,300 --> 00:24:37,300
Yeah, and your gran loves
having her hair washed.
443
00:24:37,300 --> 00:24:41,300
And you can get your fingernails
right down onto the scalp,
444
00:24:41,300 --> 00:24:44,300
then brush all the flakes
away with a comb.
445
00:24:44,300 --> 00:24:45,300
While I sing.
446
00:24:45,300 --> 00:24:48,300
Yeah, she loves singing. Come on!
447
00:24:49,300 --> 00:24:50,300
Mum! Dad!
448
00:24:50,300 --> 00:24:54,300
Bye, son.
Hope to see you again some time.
449
00:24:54,300 --> 00:24:57,300
Bye-bye, Dylan. No! No!
450
00:24:57,300 --> 00:25:00,300
MARY: La la la la!
451
00:25:01,300 --> 00:25:03,300
I'll get Dylan later.
452
00:25:03,300 --> 00:25:06,300
Tom, I can't take 9 months of this.
453
00:25:06,300 --> 00:25:11,300
Oh, I know. You wouldn't do my
cracked nipples, would you, Elaine?
454
00:25:11,300 --> 00:25:12,300
Oh!
455
00:25:18,300 --> 00:25:22,300
I'm sorry for spilling
that wine on you earlier.
456
00:25:22,300 --> 00:25:26,300
It's OK, Roddy. Night-night.
457
00:25:26,300 --> 00:25:27,300
Night-night.
458
00:25:28,300 --> 00:25:30,300
Turn the light out, Roddy.
459
00:25:30,300 --> 00:25:31,300
No, you turn it out.
460
00:25:31,300 --> 00:25:33,300
No, you turn it out.
461
00:25:33,300 --> 00:25:34,300
No, you turn it out.
462
00:25:34,300 --> 00:25:35,300
After three.
463
00:25:36,300 --> 00:25:41,300
BOTH: One, two, three.
464
00:25:43,300 --> 00:25:45,300
Oh, Janet.
465
00:25:45,300 --> 00:25:48,300
Roddy!
SHRIEKING LAUGH
466
00:25:49,300 --> 00:25:52,300
? I think I'll rest a little more
467
00:25:52,300 --> 00:25:56,300
? Cos the noise in my head keeps
banging at the door
468
00:25:56,300 --> 00:26:00,300
? Something easy I'll find hard
469
00:26:00,300 --> 00:26:03,300
? It's the man in me
that keeps me running scared
470
00:26:03,300 --> 00:26:07,300
? Cos your life spins round
like a merry-go-round
471
00:26:07,300 --> 00:26:12,300
? And you can't escape
from these ups and downs
472
00:26:12,300 --> 00:26:15,300
? Your dream's on hold
for this crazy world
473
00:26:15,300 --> 00:26:19,300
? But I wouldn't change a thing. ?
474
00:26:26,300 --> 00:26:28,300
Breathe...
475
00:26:28,300 --> 00:26:30,300
breathe...
476
00:26:30,300 --> 00:26:31,300
breathe!
477
00:26:31,300 --> 00:26:33,300
Push, Tom!
478
00:26:33,300 --> 00:26:35,300
Push!
479
00:26:35,300 --> 00:26:36,300
TOM PANTS
480
00:26:36,300 --> 00:26:38,300
MARY: This takes me back, Pat.
481
00:26:38,300 --> 00:26:41,300
Oh, yeah. He gives birth
just like his dad.
482
00:26:43,300 --> 00:26:46,300
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
483
00:26:46,350 --> 00:26:50,900
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