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1
00:00:03,000 --> 00:00:06,760
Nicky. Hey, Alison. How can I help?
2
00:00:06,760 --> 00:00:08,760
The police are at the door
and they're saying
3
00:00:08,760 --> 00:00:11,640
they've had a report that you've
murdered your entire family.
4
00:00:11,640 --> 00:00:13,320
Oh.
5
00:00:13,320 --> 00:00:14,520
OK.
6
00:00:14,520 --> 00:00:15,800
Exquisite.
7
00:00:17,400 --> 00:00:19,480
Simply exquisite.
8
00:00:19,480 --> 00:00:21,800
HE GASPS
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00:00:21,800 --> 00:00:24,920
The actual police.
Nicholas Kettle? This is he.
10
00:00:24,920 --> 00:00:27,760
We had a call earlier this evening
that you killed your entire family.
11
00:00:27,760 --> 00:00:31,600
No, no, no, no.
OK, this is about a girl, see?
12
00:00:31,600 --> 00:00:34,280
Because I am currently being
trolled by an international
13
00:00:34,280 --> 00:00:35,920
consortium of griefers and gankers.
14
00:00:35,920 --> 00:00:37,320
And what they've cooked up for me
15
00:00:37,320 --> 00:00:40,520
here tonight is
what's known as a swatting,
16
00:00:40,520 --> 00:00:42,760
wherein the troll phones the
police, "Hello, police,
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00:00:42,760 --> 00:00:44,800
"Nicky's butchered his mum, dad
and brother
18
00:00:44,800 --> 00:00:46,320
"with a serrated utility knife."
19
00:00:46,320 --> 00:00:49,240
And what they're then hoping for
is that you will show up
20
00:00:49,240 --> 00:00:51,160
and brutalise me.
21
00:00:52,400 --> 00:00:55,840
Needless to say, very much
in the opposite camp.
22
00:00:55,840 --> 00:00:59,120
Says he, nervously eyeing
the gentleman's truncheon.
23
00:00:59,120 --> 00:01:02,040
Can we just come in and take a look?
Be my guest.
24
00:01:02,040 --> 00:01:03,120
No cadavers here.
25
00:01:03,120 --> 00:01:05,120
Or is there?!
HE LAUGHS
26
00:01:05,120 --> 00:01:07,520
I'm just kidding! I'm alone.
27
00:01:08,800 --> 00:01:10,120
Ahh!
28
00:01:11,320 --> 00:01:13,080
WHISPERS: We just got swatted,
Alison.
29
00:01:19,440 --> 00:01:22,160
Still can't believe it.
Absolutely buzzing.
30
00:01:22,160 --> 00:01:23,280
They weren't a SWAT team, Nicky.
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00:01:23,280 --> 00:01:25,280
They were just two cretins
with some notebooks.
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00:01:25,280 --> 00:01:29,160
Meg, one of them had a pepper spray,
and he was really quite rude.
33
00:01:29,160 --> 00:01:33,160
Wh...? Alison, why do you look
and smell amazing?
34
00:01:33,160 --> 00:01:35,600
Because Jay is coming over.
35
00:01:35,600 --> 00:01:39,800
So if we have anything gamey
or weird to talk about,
36
00:01:39,800 --> 00:01:43,080
could we possibly do it now?
No, nothing, actually.
37
00:01:43,080 --> 00:01:44,920
Oh, I am thinking of resetting
my body clock to
38
00:01:44,920 --> 00:01:47,280
Philippine Central time.
Oh, yeah, he's doing that. Right.
39
00:01:47,280 --> 00:01:49,960
And why is he doing that?
Just for the weekend.
40
00:01:49,960 --> 00:01:53,760
I fail to see the big deal, Alison.
And, you know, this is troll wars.
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00:01:53,760 --> 00:01:55,680
I am at war with The Disciples.
42
00:01:55,680 --> 00:01:59,760
DVT happens to live in Manila,
ergo in order for me to grief him,
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00:01:59,760 --> 00:02:03,800
the optimal griefing experience,
5pm is now bedtime.
44
00:02:03,800 --> 00:02:05,120
Brilliant, so that...
45
00:02:05,120 --> 00:02:08,320
That's done, and there's no need to
ever mention that ever again.
46
00:02:08,320 --> 00:02:10,800
It's cool, Alison.
You won't even see us, OK?
47
00:02:10,800 --> 00:02:13,080
Because Endgame
content is going live,
48
00:02:13,080 --> 00:02:15,200
so we're hitting the
Silkworm Server for a raid.
49
00:02:15,200 --> 00:02:19,040
Again, Silkworm Server, it's just
that sort of jargon that
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00:02:19,040 --> 00:02:22,240
it would be really great to just get
out of the way now. Yep.
51
00:02:22,240 --> 00:02:28,640
It's raiding time. We're talking
giant PvE bosses in squads of four.
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00:02:30,360 --> 00:02:32,360
WHISPERS: Be still my quivering
gonad.
53
00:02:33,640 --> 00:02:35,680
Oof. Oh, it's so weird, isn't it,
54
00:02:35,680 --> 00:02:38,400
how we're all in the dating pool
now.
55
00:02:38,400 --> 00:02:41,800
You and Jay, me and Daisy,
Meg and tradesmen Greg.
56
00:02:41,800 --> 00:02:43,960
Gah, it's funny
how we're so the same.
57
00:02:43,960 --> 00:02:46,000
Oh, hang on,
are you going out with your one now?
58
00:02:46,000 --> 00:02:48,160
Well, no, I'm not legally going
out with her.
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00:02:48,160 --> 00:02:51,760
I don't know, but I am attempting
to inveigle myself that way hence,
60
00:02:51,760 --> 00:02:55,320
slip it under the radar, like the
sale of some green belt land.
61
00:02:55,320 --> 00:02:57,880
How is everything with your one?
62
00:02:57,880 --> 00:03:01,520
Yeah, my one is fine, thank you,
as far as I can tell. I hear that.
63
00:03:01,520 --> 00:03:03,600
Cos who really knows what
goes on in their minds.
64
00:03:03,600 --> 00:03:06,560
They are like buffalo, aren't they?
Totally unreadable.
65
00:03:06,560 --> 00:03:08,160
Yeah, no, totally.
66
00:03:08,160 --> 00:03:10,160
Did I tell you my one's staying
in a condo in Salzburg
67
00:03:10,160 --> 00:03:11,480
with three gay guys?
68
00:03:11,480 --> 00:03:14,000
You did tell me that,
yes, once just now
69
00:03:14,000 --> 00:03:17,520
and I think previously on the 18th,
19th and 20th of March.
70
00:03:17,520 --> 00:03:20,440
She's a New Zealander,
but she's currently backpacking
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00:03:20,440 --> 00:03:23,560
extensively around Europe
while she finishes her indie game.
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00:03:23,560 --> 00:03:25,080
It's a sideways scrolling platform
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00:03:25,080 --> 00:03:27,640
where you play as Frida Kahlo's
prosthetic leg.
74
00:03:27,640 --> 00:03:32,160
I think we're probably ready to nut,
me and my one. Oh, yeah? Yeah.
75
00:03:32,160 --> 00:03:36,280
So if you hear what sounds
like nutting coming from my room,
76
00:03:36,280 --> 00:03:39,840
then it's probably just me
getting my nut with my one.
77
00:03:39,840 --> 00:03:42,440
So weird, isn't it?
It's like a competition, isn't it?
78
00:03:42,440 --> 00:03:46,760
Who will nut first?
Battle of the flatmates.
79
00:03:46,760 --> 00:03:49,760
Yes, I don't think I want to be
any part of that, but thank you.
80
00:03:49,760 --> 00:03:52,320
All right. Massive glass of Squash,
let's raid.
81
00:03:52,320 --> 00:03:53,880
Shit on my dinner.
82
00:03:53,880 --> 00:03:57,680
What the fuck is this now?
Oh, my God. That's the queue.
83
00:03:57,680 --> 00:03:58,880
That's the queue for the raid boss.
84
00:03:58,880 --> 00:04:00,480
IT GROWLS
85
00:04:00,480 --> 00:04:04,240
So hang on, we have to physically
queue up just to kill him?
86
00:04:04,240 --> 00:04:05,120
This is bullshit!
87
00:04:05,120 --> 00:04:07,480
If I wanted to stand in line
for three hours to have a fight,
88
00:04:07,480 --> 00:04:09,000
I'd go to a fucking nightclub.
89
00:04:09,000 --> 00:04:10,960
I would put on a pair of jeans
with some rips in
90
00:04:10,960 --> 00:04:13,360
and I would line up outside
the Avenue Bar on Bridge Street
91
00:04:13,360 --> 00:04:15,480
to have my face punched in by a man
from Brixworth
92
00:04:15,480 --> 00:04:19,640
with his top button done up!
This game always lets me down.
93
00:04:19,640 --> 00:04:21,480
It's like being in an abusive
relationship,
94
00:04:21,480 --> 00:04:23,800
but instead of being hit on the head
with a saucepan
95
00:04:23,800 --> 00:04:26,040
because I've been talking
when Top Gear's on,
96
00:04:26,040 --> 00:04:28,480
I just get endless shitty content.
97
00:04:28,480 --> 00:04:30,600
In fact, you know what, I quit.
98
00:04:30,600 --> 00:04:32,880
Meg, this is a timed exclusive.
99
00:04:32,880 --> 00:04:35,800
We don't kill that panda tonight,
we regret it the rest of our dumb,
100
00:04:35,800 --> 00:04:38,920
fucking lives. Fine, then, Usman!
Usman, who's this guy?
101
00:04:38,920 --> 00:04:42,720
Relax, that's just Dr Larry.
He's my therapist. Your therapist?
102
00:04:42,720 --> 00:04:46,240
So here's the thing,
it transpires my wife Zara
103
00:04:46,240 --> 00:04:49,400
is very active on the subreddit
Dead Bedrooms.
104
00:04:49,400 --> 00:04:52,160
It's a forum for couples whose sex
lives are in the toilet.
105
00:04:52,160 --> 00:04:54,480
Cos apparently once every
two months isn't quite enough
106
00:04:54,480 --> 00:04:56,680
for little Miss greedy guts.
107
00:04:56,680 --> 00:04:59,360
Anyway, as part of our
circle of healing,
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00:04:59,360 --> 00:05:02,120
I agreed to attend a solo therapy
session with Dr Larry.
109
00:05:02,120 --> 00:05:06,280
You're there with him now?
Oh, sure, I am in the lion's den.
110
00:05:06,280 --> 00:05:09,400
Now, I can't remember if it
was his idea or my idea to play
111
00:05:09,400 --> 00:05:12,480
Kingdom Scrolls during the
session... It was your idea, Usman.
112
00:05:12,480 --> 00:05:14,040
Either way, here we are.
113
00:05:14,040 --> 00:05:16,560
I said I'd show him around so he can
figure out if I have a problem.
114
00:05:16,560 --> 00:05:19,560
Spoiler alert, I'm about to line up
for four hours
115
00:05:19,560 --> 00:05:22,440
to shoot magic arrows
at an endangered species.
116
00:05:22,440 --> 00:05:24,320
Oo-oo-oh. He's writing that down.
117
00:05:24,320 --> 00:05:27,440
MOCKINGLY: I guess Usman just said
something incriminating.
118
00:05:27,440 --> 00:05:29,880
Hey, Dr Larry, I hope you've got
lots of paper,
119
00:05:29,880 --> 00:05:32,480
cos there is plenty more
where that came from.
120
00:05:32,480 --> 00:05:34,800
Ugh! This is going to take hours.
121
00:05:34,800 --> 00:05:36,240
DISTANT MOOING, AIR WOOSHES
122
00:05:36,240 --> 00:05:37,520
UGH!
123
00:05:37,520 --> 00:05:41,080
So, Nicky, I see they're still
trolling you. Oh, very much so.
124
00:05:41,080 --> 00:05:43,280
Ordering pizzas,
sending taxis, the police,
125
00:05:43,280 --> 00:05:45,320
and now they've started dropping
cows on my head.
126
00:05:45,320 --> 00:05:48,440
They've also started hitting me up
with voice commands. No idea how.
127
00:05:48,440 --> 00:05:51,040
ROBOTIC VOICE: You look like
pancakes. You look like pancakes.
128
00:05:51,040 --> 00:05:54,160
You look like pancakes...
I mean, hats off.
129
00:05:54,160 --> 00:05:56,920
It's incredibly effective
cos even though I know
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00:05:56,920 --> 00:06:00,880
I don't look like pancakes, give it
six solid hours and, uh, well...
131
00:06:00,880 --> 00:06:03,040
You look like pancakes.
..a guy starts to wonder.
132
00:06:03,040 --> 00:06:05,960
Hey, everyone!
I bought a vanity pet!
133
00:06:05,960 --> 00:06:08,520
It was 15 pounds and he doesn't do
anything and I fucking love him.
134
00:06:08,520 --> 00:06:10,760
Watch this.
135
00:06:10,760 --> 00:06:12,320
Nah, I thought he do something,
but he doesn't.
136
00:06:12,320 --> 00:06:14,840
He doesn't do anything
and I fucking love him.
137
00:06:14,840 --> 00:06:16,880
Also I was getting a bit bored
up here on my own.
138
00:06:16,880 --> 00:06:18,040
Where are you, Russell?
139
00:06:18,040 --> 00:06:20,200
Oh, it's hobby night,
so Annette's asked me just
140
00:06:20,200 --> 00:06:22,040
to wait in the bedroom.
Why is that, then?
141
00:06:22,040 --> 00:06:24,360
Cos in her spare time
she likes to hunt paedophiles.
142
00:06:24,360 --> 00:06:26,320
Yeah, she tracks predators online
143
00:06:26,320 --> 00:06:27,920
and shames them on Facebook,
bless her.
144
00:06:27,920 --> 00:06:31,480
She's just having a Thai curry now
texting some monster from Rotherham.
145
00:06:31,480 --> 00:06:33,320
KNOCKS ON DOOR
146
00:06:33,320 --> 00:06:36,280
Greg's here. I'm in a queue,
Alison, for the raid boss.
147
00:06:36,280 --> 00:06:39,080
So if you could just keep him
busy for like four or five hours.
148
00:06:39,080 --> 00:06:41,400
Five hours?!
149
00:06:41,400 --> 00:06:44,400
How? I don't know, just give him
the playing cards out of the drawer.
150
00:06:44,400 --> 00:06:47,440
Fridge magnets. Yeah, let him
play with the fridge magnets.
151
00:06:47,440 --> 00:06:51,160
Can you just come, please?
Fine! Honestly.
152
00:06:53,120 --> 00:06:55,000
Wh...?
153
00:06:55,000 --> 00:06:59,320
What are you doing?
Schmuck bait for Greg. Schmuck bait?
154
00:06:59,320 --> 00:07:01,560
Just car mags and nuts,
keep him sweet while I queue.
155
00:07:01,560 --> 00:07:02,840
Just a little distraction.
156
00:07:02,840 --> 00:07:05,640
Sorry, you're laying bait
for your boyfriend?
157
00:07:05,640 --> 00:07:07,720
I'm being thoughtful, Alison.
158
00:07:07,720 --> 00:07:09,760
Cars, they're his fucking favourite!
159
00:07:09,760 --> 00:07:12,720
He drives one.
Nuts, bloody loves them.
160
00:07:12,720 --> 00:07:15,880
So while gobbling down on nuts,
while reading about Toyotas, yeah,
161
00:07:15,880 --> 00:07:17,720
ooh, what a nightmare.
162
00:07:19,160 --> 00:07:21,560
I think he seems really nice.
MEG SIGHS
163
00:07:21,560 --> 00:07:24,720
You should open yourself up a bit,
Meg. OK, Alison.
164
00:07:24,720 --> 00:07:26,800
I have two objectives
for this evening.
165
00:07:26,800 --> 00:07:31,160
Number one, finish the raid. Number
two, have romantic sex with Greg.
166
00:07:31,160 --> 00:07:34,120
I want to slay the panda,
but equally harvest the seed.
167
00:07:34,120 --> 00:07:37,000
Now, I don't know how much you know
about gender and feminism,
168
00:07:37,000 --> 00:07:40,720
but women can have it all. The panda
and the fucky-fucky-bang-bang.
169
00:07:40,720 --> 00:07:42,200
But you need to line it up,
170
00:07:42,200 --> 00:07:45,440
and that's all I'm doing right here
with the car mags and the nuts.
171
00:07:45,440 --> 00:07:48,720
I'm getting my ducks in a row
so I can then either fuck them
172
00:07:48,720 --> 00:07:50,560
or kill them.
173
00:07:50,560 --> 00:07:53,480
Honestly, Meg, I just don't quite
know where to put any of this.
174
00:07:53,480 --> 00:07:56,960
Usman, hold my place in the queue.
Just send him in.
175
00:08:00,600 --> 00:08:04,080
That's Daisy! Switching to
private chat. Daisy, hey!
176
00:08:04,080 --> 00:08:07,280
Sorry, I'm just about to light up
a pretty considerable spliff.
177
00:08:07,280 --> 00:08:09,560
Oh, yeah, yeah, same here.
178
00:08:09,560 --> 00:08:13,640
Just spliffing it up to the megamax.
179
00:08:13,640 --> 00:08:18,080
By God's ankles,
I am higher than a cat's back.
180
00:08:19,720 --> 00:08:23,520
So I was thinking, uh,
if it's not totally lame,
181
00:08:23,520 --> 00:08:27,200
we could maybe have a picnic.
If you'd care to spawn on me.
182
00:08:31,120 --> 00:08:36,000
Oh, sandwiches!
That's so fucking cool. Thank you.
183
00:08:36,000 --> 00:08:39,160
I made them myself. Mm.
They're really tasty.
184
00:08:40,120 --> 00:08:43,160
And so anyway,
Nicky, I've been thinking, and...
185
00:08:43,160 --> 00:08:45,360
HONKING
186
00:08:45,360 --> 00:08:48,160
Great, I see the trolls are back.
187
00:08:48,160 --> 00:08:51,320
And he's wearing what appears to be
a strap on bratwurst.
188
00:08:51,320 --> 00:08:54,000
Just ignore them,
they'll get bored eventually.
189
00:08:54,000 --> 00:08:57,400
HONKING
190
00:09:00,120 --> 00:09:02,200
Daisy, I'm really sorry.
191
00:09:02,200 --> 00:09:04,480
I just feel like this is maybe
ruining the whole vibe.
192
00:09:04,480 --> 00:09:08,720
Nicky, it's fine. I'm fine with it.
It's totally, totally fine.
193
00:09:08,720 --> 00:09:11,960
HONKING
194
00:09:11,960 --> 00:09:13,280
Actually, you know what,
it is a bit weird.
195
00:09:13,280 --> 00:09:16,400
So I'm probably just going to go.
Daisy, wait! I'll come with you.
196
00:09:16,400 --> 00:09:18,560
I just think I need to get away from
all of this.
197
00:09:18,560 --> 00:09:21,520
So, yeah. Bye, Nicky.
HONKING
198
00:09:21,520 --> 00:09:24,360
THEY CHEER
199
00:09:24,360 --> 00:09:25,920
DISTANT MOOING, AIR WOOSHES
200
00:09:25,920 --> 00:09:29,040
ROBOTIC VOICE: You look like
pancakes. You look like pancakes.
201
00:09:29,040 --> 00:09:30,600
You look like pancakes.
202
00:09:30,600 --> 00:09:32,200
You look like pancakes.
203
00:09:42,560 --> 00:09:45,520
Wow, you're reading that quickly?
Huh?
204
00:09:45,520 --> 00:09:47,600
I'm just saying,
smashing through the mag.
205
00:09:47,600 --> 00:09:49,960
You'll be finished in a second,
if you're not careful.
206
00:09:49,960 --> 00:09:52,800
You should slow down,
really read all the words.
207
00:09:52,800 --> 00:09:53,920
THEY CHUCKLE
208
00:09:54,920 --> 00:09:57,200
Mm, really drinking down those nuts.
209
00:09:57,200 --> 00:10:00,080
It's like you're not even chewing
them. I'm absolutely chewing them.
210
00:10:00,080 --> 00:10:02,160
Mm. You can't drink nuts.
211
00:10:02,160 --> 00:10:05,080
Unless it's, like,
a really runny peanut butter.
212
00:10:10,360 --> 00:10:12,840
I've bit some of my nail off.
213
00:10:12,840 --> 00:10:14,080
Oh, right.
214
00:10:15,280 --> 00:10:16,840
Got any tissue?
215
00:10:16,840 --> 00:10:18,400
Yeah, mate, in the tissue box!
216
00:10:21,880 --> 00:10:26,800
Oh. No, Greg, I was joking.
Why would I have a tissue box?
217
00:10:26,800 --> 00:10:30,360
You can ask Alison,
she'll get you some kitchen roll.
218
00:10:30,360 --> 00:10:36,800
Kitchen roll is very much the Hulk
to toilet paper's Bruce Banner.
219
00:10:36,800 --> 00:10:38,800
That's what I always think.
220
00:10:42,280 --> 00:10:43,600
Aw!
221
00:10:45,520 --> 00:10:49,280
I'm going to go ask Alison.
Yeah. Thanks, babe. Mm-hm.
222
00:10:54,400 --> 00:10:55,920
EAGLE SCREECHES
223
00:10:55,920 --> 00:10:58,440
Hey, Meg. You ever think
maybe we play the game
224
00:10:58,440 --> 00:11:01,240
because we're scared of
letting people get too close?
225
00:11:01,240 --> 00:11:04,720
Because I sometimes feel like
I'm not sitting at my screen,
226
00:11:04,720 --> 00:11:06,520
I'm hiding behind it.
227
00:11:06,520 --> 00:11:07,600
Hm.
228
00:11:07,600 --> 00:11:11,440
Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
Oh, my God, Dr Larry!
229
00:11:11,440 --> 00:11:13,120
I can't believe
you just fell for that.
230
00:11:13,120 --> 00:11:15,800
I just faked you out, sucker!
231
00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:18,760
Man, I'm totally winning at therapy!
232
00:11:18,760 --> 00:11:21,320
It's like 18-0 Usman
and we're not even at half-time.
233
00:11:21,320 --> 00:11:26,240
So, where's your one then, Nicky?
Oh, erm, she's gone.
234
00:11:26,240 --> 00:11:27,880
Trolls finally drove her away.
235
00:11:27,880 --> 00:11:28,960
DISTANT MOOING, AIR WHOOSHES
236
00:11:28,960 --> 00:11:31,240
ROBOTIC VOICE: You look like
pancakes. You look like pancakes.
237
00:11:31,240 --> 00:11:33,760
Shame. Looks like Meg's
going to nut first.
238
00:11:33,760 --> 00:11:36,080
Because I'm like a sous chef
in a sex kitchen
239
00:11:36,080 --> 00:11:37,760
and I've got six pans on the boil.
240
00:11:39,640 --> 00:11:42,400
Um, Nicky, your freaky masturbating
associates are back.
241
00:11:42,400 --> 00:11:45,760
I don't care anymore.
What else could they do to me?
242
00:11:45,760 --> 00:11:48,080
What the fuck?
What just happened to my head?
243
00:11:48,080 --> 00:11:49,680
I think they just glitch-fucked you,
dude.
244
00:11:49,680 --> 00:11:52,840
You've got the blockhead virus. Get
away from me. Quarantine yourself.
245
00:11:52,840 --> 00:11:55,120
I'm hideous. Don't look at me!
246
00:11:55,120 --> 00:11:58,000
THEY LAUGH
247
00:11:58,000 --> 00:11:59,040
MONKEY SCREECHES
248
00:11:59,040 --> 00:12:00,920
No, they just glitch-fucked
my monkey.
249
00:12:00,920 --> 00:12:04,040
What have they done to you,
little buddy?
250
00:12:04,040 --> 00:12:06,280
Oh, well, looks like
I need to buy another one.
251
00:12:06,280 --> 00:12:07,360
Smash.
252
00:12:07,360 --> 00:12:10,680
Smash, smash, smash, smash.
253
00:12:10,680 --> 00:12:13,280
Annette, where's your credit card,
babe?
254
00:12:17,320 --> 00:12:18,880
SHE GASPS
255
00:12:18,880 --> 00:12:22,040
Alison? Who the fuck
are those children?
256
00:12:22,040 --> 00:12:26,280
That's Isaac, that's Vivi
and that is little Poppy Rose.
257
00:12:26,280 --> 00:12:28,040
She is an absolute terror.
258
00:12:29,480 --> 00:12:34,000
Yes, because Jay couldn't make it in
the end because he's got five-aside.
259
00:12:34,000 --> 00:12:36,920
So he said...
Jay has children?
260
00:12:36,920 --> 00:12:38,480
Yeah. Yes, yeah, yeah.
261
00:12:38,480 --> 00:12:42,960
Jay has kids, which we're both
totally thrilled about.
262
00:12:42,960 --> 00:12:45,920
And is that new, is it, the kids?
Or did we know about those?
263
00:12:45,920 --> 00:12:49,480
It's relatively new information,
yeah.
264
00:12:49,480 --> 00:12:53,600
I mean, in the last sort of
40-50 minutes.
265
00:12:53,600 --> 00:12:56,640
Is that normal, to find out about
someone's children?
266
00:12:56,640 --> 00:12:58,040
Perfectly normal, yes.
267
00:12:58,040 --> 00:13:00,680
Yes, if you Google "secret children"
268
00:13:00,680 --> 00:13:03,880
or even "my partner's
mysterious children",
269
00:13:03,880 --> 00:13:06,960
then you'll find
literally hundreds of results.
270
00:13:06,960 --> 00:13:08,400
Oh, well...
271
00:13:09,680 --> 00:13:13,320
Well, as long as you're all right
with it? Yeah, it's great.
272
00:13:13,320 --> 00:13:16,640
Oh, I heard you gave tradesmen Greg
a piece of kitchen roll.
273
00:13:16,640 --> 00:13:20,360
Yes, I did,
because his nail was bleeding.
274
00:13:20,360 --> 00:13:23,400
His nail was bleeding? That guy!
275
00:13:23,400 --> 00:13:26,440
What is going on with him lately?
276
00:13:26,440 --> 00:13:28,320
Oh, he went home. No sex in the end.
277
00:13:28,320 --> 00:13:31,160
Oh? Just couldn't find a way in.
He's like a sealed tomb.
278
00:13:31,160 --> 00:13:33,360
He's incredibly closed off
emotionally,
279
00:13:33,360 --> 00:13:36,120
which is annoying but, you know,
handy in a way.
280
00:13:36,120 --> 00:13:38,840
Right? Yeah, because it sounds bad
but I don't mean it.
281
00:13:38,840 --> 00:13:41,040
But the balance I'm trying to strike
282
00:13:41,040 --> 00:13:44,040
is I want to
extract the sex from him
283
00:13:44,040 --> 00:13:46,360
without opening up
the old feelings box.
284
00:13:46,360 --> 00:13:49,360
PHONE VIBRATES
Oh, my God.
285
00:13:49,360 --> 00:13:54,760
Do me a favour, since you've got
this whole creche thing going on,
286
00:13:54,760 --> 00:13:57,200
would you babysit my phone?
287
00:13:57,200 --> 00:13:59,120
What? Oh, go on. It's just Greg.
288
00:13:59,120 --> 00:14:01,520
Erm, we're nearly at
the front of the queue. You know,
289
00:14:01,520 --> 00:14:03,720
I just need you to keep him
sweet for a bit,
290
00:14:03,720 --> 00:14:07,080
just pump him full of emoji. Get the
kids to do it. Kids love images!
291
00:14:07,080 --> 00:14:09,320
Hey, kids, who wants to pump
some emojis? No, Meg.
292
00:14:09,320 --> 00:14:12,440
Fine then, Alison,
I'll do it myself.
293
00:14:15,200 --> 00:14:17,320
Yeah, that should give him
something to chew on.
294
00:14:17,320 --> 00:14:20,080
Well, what are you texting him?
Don't know. Emojis, isn't it?
295
00:14:20,080 --> 00:14:22,080
Who really knows what
they even mean?
296
00:14:22,080 --> 00:14:24,360
The thing is, I do think
he seems like quite a nice guy
297
00:14:24,360 --> 00:14:27,520
and I really don't want you
to screw this up.
298
00:14:27,520 --> 00:14:30,320
Also, Meg, you've just done
lots of fire engines and a pretzel.
299
00:14:30,320 --> 00:14:32,280
Thanks, Alison! No!
300
00:14:32,280 --> 00:14:34,080
OK, we're almost up.
301
00:14:34,080 --> 00:14:37,720
And this better be worth it because
I'm being billed 150 bucks an hour.
302
00:14:37,720 --> 00:14:38,960
Usman, you're still in therapy?
303
00:14:38,960 --> 00:14:41,080
The initial session ran out
hours ago, so I paid for
304
00:14:41,080 --> 00:14:43,840
the whole afternoon so I didn't
have to miss my space in line.
305
00:14:43,840 --> 00:14:46,560
Hey, Dr Larry, how about
we settle this therapy like men?
306
00:14:46,560 --> 00:14:48,160
A fight to the death.
307
00:14:48,160 --> 00:14:51,720
I can't, Usman, because you refuse
to show me the controls.
308
00:14:51,720 --> 00:14:55,800
Oh, here's an insight -
Dr Larry's a chicken shit.
309
00:14:55,800 --> 00:14:58,240
Hm! Maybe I should
make a note of that.
310
00:15:02,720 --> 00:15:04,440
Erm, Meg?
311
00:15:05,960 --> 00:15:08,280
Greg's back.
312
00:15:08,280 --> 00:15:11,680
He came back?
I don't know what happened.
313
00:15:11,680 --> 00:15:13,720
This is good,
he must be back for a bunk.
314
00:15:13,720 --> 00:15:16,960
OK, Alison, you let him in,
make a start.
315
00:15:16,960 --> 00:15:18,720
And then I'll come in and take over
316
00:15:18,720 --> 00:15:22,760
because I am horny
but also next in line.
317
00:15:22,760 --> 00:15:27,760
So, not this, but could you maybe
take into the bathroom, tell him I'm
318
00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:31,120
coming in and then turn
the light off and start, you know,
319
00:15:31,120 --> 00:15:32,960
jerking him off? Oh, my God! No.
320
00:15:32,960 --> 00:15:36,000
OK, before you get up and all
your high horse about this, OK,
321
00:15:36,000 --> 00:15:39,080
no, I'm not talking about sexual
assault... Sounds like you are.
322
00:15:39,080 --> 00:15:42,760
Alison, Alison,
I'm just talking about theoretically
323
00:15:42,760 --> 00:15:47,840
just turning the spigot
and releasing some of the pressure.
324
00:15:47,840 --> 00:15:50,200
OK, Meg, I am trying to get those
kids to go to bed
325
00:15:50,200 --> 00:15:52,480
and Poppy fucking Rose
just will not settle.
326
00:15:52,480 --> 00:15:55,040
So, here's your phone.
You're on your own.
327
00:15:58,000 --> 00:16:01,680
Oh, my God.
She never does anything for me.
328
00:16:04,120 --> 00:16:08,240
Hi, Greg.
Em, so good to see you again.
329
00:16:08,240 --> 00:16:13,720
So, em, I actually need about 20
minutes, but then we can, you know.
330
00:16:14,960 --> 00:16:18,000
So, em, there's a pack of playing
cards in the second drawdown.
331
00:16:18,000 --> 00:16:21,440
I think you was right.
That's exactly how I feel.
332
00:16:21,440 --> 00:16:23,200
In your messages.
333
00:16:30,560 --> 00:16:32,200
Come on in.
334
00:16:40,160 --> 00:16:43,600
What have you done to him? I texted
him some emojis, like you asked.
335
00:16:43,600 --> 00:16:48,200
And then we texted a bit more and
then we kind of got into mum stuff.
336
00:16:48,200 --> 00:16:49,440
You got into mum stuff with Greg?
337
00:16:49,440 --> 00:16:51,200
I didn't even know
he had a fucking mum, Alison!
338
00:16:51,200 --> 00:16:54,640
I couldn't help it, OK, I was trying
to help Isaac with his homework and
339
00:16:54,640 --> 00:16:57,920
Vivi wouldn't eat her fucking peas
and I think I just needed an outlet.
340
00:16:57,920 --> 00:16:59,600
Oh, OK, so you thought
you'd just, what,
341
00:16:59,600 --> 00:17:02,080
reach into the pipes of my one
and just start pissing around?
342
00:17:02,080 --> 00:17:04,040
"Oh, I'll put this pipe
over next to this pipe,
343
00:17:04,040 --> 00:17:06,480
"and put the emotional valve
into the mum valve"?
344
00:17:06,480 --> 00:17:09,960
I was just trying to help. Well,
you've cracked him open, Alison.
345
00:17:09,960 --> 00:17:11,960
Tradesman Greg.
Cracked him wide open.
346
00:17:11,960 --> 00:17:17,160
Seeping his big, fat fucking
emo yolk all over my carpet.
347
00:17:17,160 --> 00:17:18,600
You've Humpty Dumpty'd him.
348
00:17:18,600 --> 00:17:21,800
Guess what, Meg's going to have to
go and clear it all up.
349
00:17:21,800 --> 00:17:24,480
All the mess. All the feelings.
350
00:17:24,480 --> 00:17:26,200
Maybe this is good?
351
00:17:26,200 --> 00:17:30,760
I can't believe I'm going to say
this... What? What about his mum?
352
00:17:30,760 --> 00:17:33,440
Well, they never really got on.
353
00:17:33,440 --> 00:17:34,680
Oh, shit. Oh, he doesn't
354
00:17:34,680 --> 00:17:37,640
get on with his mum. No,
I can't be dealing with that shit.
355
00:17:37,640 --> 00:17:41,880
And she's really not very well. I
mean, she's really quite poorly. Oh.
356
00:17:41,880 --> 00:17:45,640
OK. Well, that's good then,
isn't it, because they don't get on?
357
00:17:45,640 --> 00:17:49,160
I mean, he still loves her.
Oh, make your fucking mind up, Greg!
358
00:17:49,160 --> 00:17:51,520
I'm sorry, mate,
I never should have got involved.
359
00:17:51,520 --> 00:17:54,120
SHE LAUGHS
No shit!
360
00:17:54,120 --> 00:17:55,600
Front of the line, Meg.
361
00:17:55,600 --> 00:17:58,680
Red panda raid boss
in three minutes and counting.
362
00:18:03,520 --> 00:18:06,080
So, Greg...
363
00:18:06,080 --> 00:18:12,120
I was thinking, maybe tonight we go
big picture on the mum staff
364
00:18:12,120 --> 00:18:14,920
and then tomorrow maybe
crack a Magners
365
00:18:14,920 --> 00:18:16,720
and really get into the weeds?
366
00:18:16,720 --> 00:18:19,960
We don't have to talk,
we could just...
367
00:18:19,960 --> 00:18:21,760
We could just cuddle.
SHE CHUCKLES
368
00:18:24,960 --> 00:18:26,360
Right.
369
00:18:26,360 --> 00:18:29,120
OK, yeah, a quick cuddle then.
370
00:18:29,120 --> 00:18:30,600
A quick three minute cuddle.
371
00:18:36,960 --> 00:18:39,960
Meg, we're up. It's raiding time.
372
00:18:39,960 --> 00:18:41,640
IT ROARS
373
00:18:41,640 --> 00:18:43,760
Meg? Meg?
374
00:18:45,360 --> 00:18:47,600
Em...
375
00:18:47,600 --> 00:18:50,960
I'm really, really sorry, Greg,
I'm just going to have to slide...
376
00:18:50,960 --> 00:18:54,480
Just going to have to slide out,
sorry. Sorry, Greg. Just...
377
00:19:05,240 --> 00:19:07,160
GREG SIGHS
378
00:19:07,160 --> 00:19:08,600
Stupid...
379
00:19:21,280 --> 00:19:23,160
Hey.
380
00:19:30,720 --> 00:19:34,000
Fuck! She just bailed.
We'll get smashed!
381
00:19:34,000 --> 00:19:36,680
There's only two of us
and I'm fucking useless.
382
00:19:36,680 --> 00:19:37,800
Dr Larry, you're up.
383
00:19:37,800 --> 00:19:39,280
I don't know how, Usman.
384
00:19:39,280 --> 00:19:40,840
Listen, I came here today
385
00:19:40,840 --> 00:19:44,400
to talk about my intimacy issues
and to conquer my demons.
386
00:19:44,400 --> 00:19:46,640
How about we conquer
a large panda instead?
387
00:19:56,960 --> 00:19:58,720
No, Daisy, get back.
388
00:19:58,720 --> 00:20:01,280
I've got blockhead virus.
I might be infectious.
389
00:20:01,280 --> 00:20:03,040
I know, and guess what?
390
00:20:05,360 --> 00:20:07,040
Oh, my God. Daisy.
391
00:20:07,040 --> 00:20:09,200
At least we can be together now.
392
00:20:09,200 --> 00:20:12,360
In here, alone,
where no-one else can see.
393
00:20:12,360 --> 00:20:15,360
Because I was going to say, Nicky,
394
00:20:15,360 --> 00:20:18,760
would you be into, like,
395
00:20:18,760 --> 00:20:22,120
laying down and stuff?
396
00:20:23,560 --> 00:20:25,120
OK, then.
397
00:20:28,480 --> 00:20:32,000
Is this OK, Nicky?
It's more than OK. It's, em...
398
00:20:35,800 --> 00:20:40,000
SENSUAL MOANING
399
00:20:42,320 --> 00:20:44,720
THEY GIGGLE
400
00:20:47,640 --> 00:20:50,880
Oh, crumbs! Oh, crumpets! Wow!
401
00:20:50,880 --> 00:20:52,720
Crumbs. OK!
402
00:20:52,720 --> 00:20:55,600
Crumbs. Yup!
403
00:20:55,600 --> 00:20:57,280
Oh!
404
00:20:58,800 --> 00:21:02,520
SENSUAL MOANING
405
00:21:05,040 --> 00:21:06,600
HE GULPS
406
00:21:12,240 --> 00:21:14,040
Russell, stay loose. I'll tech.
407
00:21:14,040 --> 00:21:17,200
OK, Dr Larry,
when I say, hit right trigger, A.
408
00:21:17,200 --> 00:21:19,240
IT ROARS
409
00:21:19,240 --> 00:21:21,240
IT GROWLS
410
00:21:22,560 --> 00:21:24,680
Usman, mate, I think
he's going to kill you.
411
00:21:25,800 --> 00:21:29,680
Usman, my professional advice
is that you should fall back.
412
00:21:29,680 --> 00:21:31,640
Now, Dr Larry. Right trigger, A.
413
00:21:38,840 --> 00:21:43,520
Yes, we did it, bud!
Holy shit, we did it!
414
00:21:47,200 --> 00:21:49,760
How does this feel, Usman?
415
00:21:49,760 --> 00:21:52,760
I don't know. Safe?
416
00:21:52,760 --> 00:21:58,280
And how would you feel about going
home and holding Zara like this?
417
00:21:58,280 --> 00:22:00,680
OK, I guess.
418
00:22:05,120 --> 00:22:07,400
So I'll divide the loot up
419
00:22:07,400 --> 00:22:11,720
when I get home and deposit the gold
420
00:22:11,720 --> 00:22:14,080
and the armour into your inventory.
421
00:22:15,280 --> 00:22:17,120
Good day.
422
00:22:36,240 --> 00:22:38,480
HE LAUGHS
423
00:22:38,480 --> 00:22:40,920
It looks like he's jerking off!
424
00:23:01,360 --> 00:23:05,360
# 5, 4
425
00:23:05,360 --> 00:23:09,400
# 3, 2, 1. #
426
00:23:09,400 --> 00:23:11,920
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