All language subtitles for Bless the Harts s02e22 Toni With an I.eng

Move, y'all.

We're getting rid
of this bee table.

‐Why?
‐Betty, it is full of bees.

‐(bees buzzing)
‐Look at this thing!

It's like 100% hive.

I wonder why
they don't bother you.

I killed their queen.
Now I'm their queen.

They'll do anything I want.

Bees, pass me my cup.

‐(buzzing)
‐Oh, they're busy.

And my theory is
that I'm so anemic

that I give off less body heat
than a glass of white wine.

Well, I hope
y'all didn't get too attached,

'cause these hive turkeys
are about to get evicted.

(saw buzzing)

What the...?

Oh, man, a bee's walking
on the chain.

Like a little escalator.

He's not even breaking a sweat!

Lord, this is humiliating.

Heard you were gonna tackle
the bee table,

so I got you a little surprise!

And I mean really little.

I told Amazon
to sort by the cheapest.

Jenny, what did you do?

A Al Borland Brand
Sawz‐All Craftsman Pro?

This is four times as expensive
as the one I told you I wanted.

That's way too generous.

Uh‐oh. I didn't...

‐order this one.
‐(saw buzzing)

What's that?!
I can't hear you!

This thing has a Ferrari engine.

That's not the saw I ordered!

We need to return it!

I love you, too, goll durn it!

(saw revs)

Guys, you might have just
witnessed the best moment

of my life,
right up there with the time

David Blaine picked the lady
behind me for a magic trick.

‐Well, the thing is...
‐I love it.

Hey, Violet, what's the noise
Tim the Toolman makes?

‐No. I don't know it.
‐Come on, Vi. Please.

‐Ar, ar, ar!
‐That's it! Ar, ar, ar. (laughs)

(loud buzzing)

Aah! (cries)

‐Okay, now it's personal.
‐(saw revving)

♪

(saw buzzing)

I won!

I conquered the whole hive!

(yelling)

Wow, Mom. You got a man
who can Braveheart some bees.

I'm not saying
that's not hot as hell, Vi,

but I got to send that chain saw
back. It was a mistake.

‐(Wayne laughing)
‐And good luck with that.

Oh, Lord.

Mother, can you move
so I can get to the eggs?

Almost done.
Just looking for something.

Hot flash? Due to menopause?

No, I was just looking
for these.

Gram, what's menopause?

I totally know what it is.

I just want
to hear her explain it.

Well, Vi, menopause is when

a woman's ovaries
no longer produce estrogen

and progesterone.

Wow, Gram.
That's actually right.

Otherwise known
as the "butt plumpers."

As you can see by my rear,

they are clearly still pumping
through my youthful bod.

Yeah, that's more
what I expected.

Jenny, I know you spent a ton
on this, but it was worth it.

You are so welcome!

But, Wayne, the thing is,
I didn't really...

Oh, my God.
Wayne, does that hurt?

Does what hurt?

‐Oh!
‐JENNY: Ew.

We need to get you
to the doctor.

For a bee sting? No.

Ooh. This heavy jacket
does not breathe.

‐(Wayne coughs)
‐Both of you lunatics need

to get your butts
to the doctor.

You for that mega‐sting,
and you for your menopause.

‐No such thing.
‐Feel like a million bucks.

So it's okay for me to keep it?

Even though
it's way more expensive

‐than the one
I actually ordered? ‐Um...

Ugh. Can't we just qualify this
as a miracle and move on?

Is it a miracle,
or is it more like‐‐

I don't know‐‐
what is that thing

when someone takes something
that's not theirs?

Stealing?
Can't you just be my friend

and not spread some
moral authority on everything?

‐You know I'm Jesus, right?
‐Oh, here we go.

Like you would ever
let me forget.

You know you can wear
modern‐day clothes if you want.

Well, if you
just want affirmation,

you've come to the wrong place.

You know what? Maybe I have come
to the wrong place.

Well, if that's how you feel,
maybe I'll go.

Great. Good.

Excuse me, Peter.
Coming through.

Sorry, Thomas. You're going
to have to slide in.

Judas, you're fine.

‐(door chimes)
‐Oh, Lord.

Y'all, the parking lot squatters

are back in full force today.

Ew. Oh, no.

That fat one is leaning all over
my Michael Kors Edition Lexus.

Jenny, can you go move it?

Louise, we have been
over this. I am not your valet.

Just move it, Jenny!

Ugh.

(indistinct chatter)

(tires squealing)

"Do‐do‐do‐do it."

You want me to move your car?

Louise, such a snotty butt.
(yelps)

Wait. Is it weird
that that felt good?

And don't worry, Jesus. I'm not
gonna ask you about this.

I don't need your opinion
on every little thing.

(rumbling)

(wind whistling)

(gasps)

(whimpers)

Wow. You got rid of that quick.

Whoa, bro!

Bee sting.
Jenny wants me to see a doctor,

but it is not necessary
'cause if I turn my head back

and sideways, I can basically
breathe. (wheezes)

Let me get a closer look
at ya. Mm.

You know,
I can help you out with that.

Yeah, I've been taking courses
in holistic healing.

Unlike those scientists with
their degrees and knowledge.

Wait. How'd you get
into all that?

I met a Buddhist shaman.
Her name is Heather.

She's been teaching me.

It's just like community college

except the classroom is
Heather's condo,

and I have sex with the teacher.

Hmm. Well, I'm glad
you found your new thing.

It's not just my new thing, bro.

Healing peeps is my calling!

So let me help you, man.
Come on.

It would mean so much to me.

And, don't worry.
This whole deal is fully legit.

I got a YouTube channel
and everything.

Check it out.

WAYNE:
Your motorcycle will help you

‐get to sick people quickly.
‐Oh, watch this part.

WAYNE:
Oh, look at that.

You found something to do
with your uncle's doves.

Stop the presses.

Rainbow hand magic?

♪

You know what?
I trust that guy.

Heal me, bro.

Ouchie.

Ah, crap.
That's not my fault, is it?

I mean, my thing was the
door ding, which is harmless.

This windshield is
a whole other situation.

Guess I should run this
by Jesus real quick.

‐(door chimes)
‐(gasps)

This ceiling's a bleeder.

I need more cloth
to apply pressure.

Oh, no!

(gasps)
Jesus is gone!

Jesus, I really need
to talk to you.

I think I have a moral dilemma,
but I hope not 'cause if I do,

it could put a real dent
in my bank account.

Jenny, you okay?

Brenda,

can I run something by you?

When Louise asked me to move
her car, I may have moved it

a little too close
to a truck and dinged it.

‐Go on.
‐Then when I shut the door,

a rock fell out of the truck

and cracked Louise's windshield
all to hell.

Here's what you're gonna do.

Shut... your... mouth hole.

‐Really?
‐Jenny, the one time

I quote, unquote,
"did the right thing"

and fessed up,
I closed out the day

with an arson charge,
two dead bodies,

and... (laughs)
you guessed it,

a raging bald spot.

Jenny, what the H‐E Single‐C
Single‐K did you do to my car?

Shh.

I didn't do anything to it.

Oh, y'all, I bet it was
that skeezy old truck driver.

‐(door chimes)
‐See how easy that was?

But now that truck driver's
in trouble,

and he didn't do anything.

Hey, for every gazelle
that escapes a lion,

some other gazelle gets caught.

‐Just be glad it ain't you.
‐(door chimes)

Silver lining alert.

That trucker is
the nicest guy in the world.

He said his company's insurance
will cover it,

and he's taking me out
on a date tonight.

Jesus works
in mysterious ways, y'all.

Now, I got to go spritz my
pulse points with Dior Sauvage.

Ha! I guess
"WWJD" now stands for

"What Would Jenny Do?"
(whoops)

‐(toilet flushes)
‐(grunting rhythmically)

Oh! Oh, my mouth was open!

Okay, so let's get a look at it.

You wore this crystal all night?

Uh... absolutely.

Yes! I knew it! I did it!

Bro, you're a miracle worker.

So you did everything
just like I told you?

Yup.

I slept with the crystal,

which was actually super comfy.

TRAVIS:
Power of crystals, man.

And you got up every ten minutes
to stare at the color blue?

WAYNE:
And the swelling started going down immediately.

It was like magic.

‐Completely pain‐free, too.
‐(laughing)

(gasps)

This is a really big moment
for me.

This is like my moon landing.

But even better
because it's real.

I couldn't help but overhear

that miracles
are being dispensed.

That they are. Travis here
just healed my swollen neck.

‐You see?
‐Ooh. Well.

Dr. Travis, look who's
whorking whonders.

Wayne, leave us.

Travis,
how old do you think I am?

‐Twenty... nine?
‐Twenty‐nine?!

(laughs):
Oh, my Lord, I am a little bit older than that.

(sighs)
Travis,

the desert approach‐eth
downstairs.

Do you catch my drift?

I totally do,
but let's pretend I don't.

I'm talking about menopause,
you hot moron.

Is there anything you can do...
hole‐listically?

Can a one‐armed drummer
still play "Rock of Ages"?

Hell yes!

(loud, indistinct chatter)

♪

‐Oh, shoot.
‐Just put it back on the plate.

Really? Isn't that... unsafe?

Not everything is such
a moral dilemma.

‐I haven't steered you
wrong yet, have I? ‐Ew.

‐Louise sure isn't complaining.
‐(door chimes)

LOUISE:
Well, that couldn't have gone worse.

I thought
that trucker was taking me

on a nice date to a restaurant.

But it turns out,
all he wanted to do

was eat hot wings
in his apartment‐home.

Then, he had a big surprise
for me.

Flowers? A slice of cheesecake?

No! His wife!

What?

LOUISE:
I was asleep in his apartment‐home bed,

‐and then we heard a noise.
‐(door rattles)

‐(cat meows)
‐He pops straight up and tells me that it's his wife.

She's a pediatric nurse,
and she came home

at, like, 5:45 a. m.

I had to hide under the bed
while he made her breakfast.

Then as she fell asleep watching

all five hours of
The Today Show,

I tried to sneak out,
but she caught me

and threw me off
their apartment‐home balcony.

I landed
on a poor kid's dirty trampoline

and flew
into a dimpsty dumpster.

It's just been one bad thing

‐after another since yesterday.
‐(muffled laughing)

I have to believe God is
punishing me for some reason.

Oh, Louise,
God's not punishing you.

In fact, I‐I feel terrible.

‐(growls)
‐That this all happened

to you because...

I saw the squatters
smash your windshield.

Yup, the squatters did it,
and I saw it.

Hey, guys.
Venom, Captain Carl.

Lougie, Eddie Toilet,

Squamp, Wound, Killer,
Baby Satan, Kathy.

We are really, really sorry,
but Louise wants us to hose you.

‐What?!
‐We'll do it gentle. Sorry.

‐(all yelling)
‐All my pocket drugs are wet!

Brenda, go easy.
These guys didn't do anything.

Jenny, we're way past the "why."

We're just
into the fun part now.

Take that, you nasty squatters!

That's what you get
for ruining my car!

LOUISE:
Oh, no!

Y'all, hit 'em again!

(yelling)

Jesus, just need to talk to you.

(sighs)
Okay.

Well, Louise is falling apart,
and it's all my fault,

and Brenda's gone crazy
and the squatters.

Oh, here we go.

Hi there. Ew.

Nope. What was I thinking?

(muffled):
Jen. Jen? Whoa. Jenny?

Mouth's crooked. Ugh.

Jesus. Oh, no. Let me
help you with those hands.

(mutters)
Hands?

Well, hands are hard!

Here, let me at least
help you talk better.

(muffled):
This mouth is too big.

Aah!

Mouth is too small.

Wait. Jen, come back!

♪

Ugh.

‐What?
‐Travis is adjusting my Chaka Khans.

Root chakras, but yeah.

Trav, can I talk to you
in the kitchen?

After you wash your hands.

Dude, what the hell's going on?

Betty's entering that phase
of her life

where her body is slowly
transitioning from MILF to coug.

I'm gonna help her stave off
that change indefinitely.

But this thing with Betty, it's,
like, hormones and blood work

and anatomy junk and...

You know, the kind of stuff

that may not have been taught
in Heather's condo.

Ba‐ba‐ba‐ba, ba‐ba‐ba‐ba, bro.

I don't have to get
into any of that stuff.

All I have to do
is unlock Betty's power

so she can heal herself.

So you're not getting into any
actual procedures or anything?

Oh, no, no, no, no. I'm just
gonna do some energy work

and insert a geode
into her specialty place.

Insert a what into the who?

Wings! That's fun, right?

‐(groaning)
‐Aah!

‐Oh, get back in that wall. Get!
‐(groaning)

‐(Jenny groans loudly)
‐BRENDA: Jenny!

What in the hell?

Just, uh, cleaning up.

Great news.
Louise's spiral

of bad luck has taken
an even bigger turn.

Oh, no.

‐(door chimes)
‐It's official.

There is no God!

Oh, Louise,
please don't say that.

What... what happened to you?

I took my car

to the body shop,

and their waiting room
was nothing

but a metal folding chair

and a Spin magazine

from 2010.

I was reading an article about

the Kings of Leon,
and I realized

‐my pocketbook was gone.
‐(gasps)

(Brenda chuckles)

And why do you look this way?

Jenny, don't you get it?
My identity got stolen.

‐Yeah, but doesn't that mean...?
‐Shh, shh, shh.

Jenny, we all know what happens

when someone's identity
gets stolen.

You have to choose
a new identity, right?

There can't be two of me
walking around,

so now I got to be someone else.

Thank God Brenda was available
to come on over

and help me create
my new identity‐‐

Toni with an "I" Beckerman
from Corpus Christi, Texas.

I'm working on the accent.

Don't mess with Texas.

Also, I'm currently in a...

‐Sex cult.
‐Yes, Toni with an "I"

is the leader of a sex cult.

‐Ha.
‐(phone chimes)

Louise, this is all my fault.

Oh, no, it's Equifax.

Y'all, the New Louise just got
to Long Island City and leased

a fleet of Jet Skis.

My credit has plummeted to 380.
(cries)

What size you think
is good for Betty?

(gasps) Dah! No. God.
I'm still feeling

like this may not be
the best way to approach this.

How could you, my greatest
success story, be doubting me?

Oh. I'm such a klutz.
Well, and that reminds me.

This one's out of commish.
Fell in the toilet this morning.

‐It fell in the toilet?!
‐All right.

Just hit it with some Lysol.

Wayne, you're not really
gonna let Travis

put a mystical toilet rock
into Gram?

But I've never seen him
so focused and happy.

I can't crap on his dream.

No, what I need to do
is injure myself so bad

that he'll have to admit
that he can't fix it.

Look, I know an honest
conversation

may seem scary, but...

Exactly. So take this
meat tenderizer

and bang me up just enough
to look real bad,

like I'm dying, but not
bad enough so I actually die

‐or anything.
‐Come with me.

I have a way‐less‐stupid idea.

Aah! Travis, I need you!

I had a chain saw accident!

(indistinct chatter)

Looking good.
Just like Harrison Ford.

(muffled grunt)

‐(door chimes)
‐Louise didn't have the guts,

but Toni with an "I" Beckerman
knows exactly

how to make those squatters pay.

You don't reach the
upper echelon of a sex cult

without having a few tricks
up your sleeve.

Ready to eat some boiling oil,

you nasty squatters?

Oh, no‐no‐no‐no‐no!
Louise, stop!

(sighs)
It was me.

When I parked your car,
I slammed that door

'cause I was mad,

and then those rocks
fell off that truck;

I wanted them
to scratch your car.

So if anything, I willed
this whole thing to happen.

I started this whole spiral.
Me. I did it.

(grunts)
So you're telling Toni

that not only did you cause this

but you lied to Louise's face
about what you did to her car?

Yes, Toni. I lied
to Louise's face.

Wait, what am I doing?

Louise, you are not Toni.

That's not how
stolen identity works.

Ha‐ha! Yeah, it is!

Brenda, stop.

Why would you do that?

(sighs)
I'm really sorry.

I've been getting advice from
an unreliable source

for the past few days.

But all these decisions
were mine to make,

and I chose wrong.

I totally get it
if you want to fire me.

If it were Louise standing here,
she'd fire you. But me?

Toni with a "I"? Well,
I've been through a few things.

An alcoholic father.

Multiple divorces.

Nearly lost a finger working
on an oil rig.

I'm too busy surviving
to be angry.

Holy crap, I think I might
wanna switch teams for Toni.

(sighs)

Quick, smell this.

‐(sniffs)
‐Now how's it feel?

Aah! Still bad!

Oh, what? I got to go talk
to my sage guy.

Okay. I hate to say it,
but we might actually have to...

Go to the hospital?!

Use quartz.
I got some on my bike.

‐(door opens)
‐What the hell is your game?

That's a scam wound
if I ever saw one.

(sighs)
Violet did it.

I wanted him to be holding
his own eyeball,

but he wussed out.

(quietly):
Like always.

He can't heal crap.

That thing with my neck?

I went to a real doctor
to get it fixed.

I was just lying to Travis
to build him up.

So, you lied and made me think
I was good at this?

(sighs) Yes.

That's the nicest thing
anyone has ever done for me.

‐Get in here. Do you feel this?
‐That's what it's all about.

‐Are you feeling that?
‐Oh, I feel that.

‐That is all love, bro.
‐You feel me?

I'm glad somebody's
getting touched.

Travis, I guess
we're rain‐checking

the crystal hoo‐ha therapy?

(sighs heavily)

‐Hi.
‐(screams)

Jesus? Oh, Jesus,

you scared me half to death.

‐(slurping)
‐Where have you been? I needed you!

You didn't need me. You just
needed to listen to yourself.

And that worked.
I mean, it took way longer

than I expected,
but you got there.

I didn't like not being able
to talk to you.

Hey, you said you
needed a break.

(slurps) Anyway,
I was around the whole time.

You just refused to see me.

♪

Jenny.

Hey, Jenny.

Jenny, over here. Come on...

‐(saw revving)
‐Hey, Jenny, Jenny.

Jenny, over here.

Hey, Jenny. Jenny.
Hey, Jenny. Jenny!

‐(groans)
‐(people screaming)

‐(slurping)
‐Oh, wow.

I'm sorry I ate you
and sprayed you

and threw you in the garbage.

I've had worse.

You can go outside
the restaurant?

Wh‐What do you think I am?
A vampire?

JENNY (muffled):
I don't know the rules.

JESUS:
Well, if I were anything,

I'd be a werewolf.

In Twilight,
Jacob was the sexy one.

Are you kidding me?
Jacob's a snooze.

I've had naps more exciting
than Jacob.

You did not just say that.

Do we need another break?

I think we might.

♪

(both laugh)

So that's how you do hands.

(door chimes)

All y'all are on notice.

From now on,
if anyone screws with me,

you're dead meat.

Louise, you don't have to keep
going with this identity.

Oh, hell no, y'all.

My life has never been better.

Before becoming Toni
with an "I,"

I was just a sad widow
feeling sorry for myself.

But I need to face the facts:
Daniel's dead.

And so is the old Louise.

And speaking of dead meat,

that's what you'll be, Lougie,
if you keep

using my bathroom.

I'm gonna be Toni
a lot more often.

It's like a gift from God.

Hey, could you give me some
broader shoulders?

‐What?
‐(Jenny gasps)

‐(meows)
‐(horn honks musically)

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