All language subtitles for The.shivering.truth.S01E00.HDTV-MiNDTHEGAP.English-WWW.MY-SUBS.CO

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sync & correction by f1nc0
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And yet, at Shivering Middle School,

whenever a scoundrel
snaps the blind girl's bra,

Principal Gail Alonka makes
everyone line up and pop a snap

until the culprit can be recognized,
identified, found.

Ow! No, that's not him.

- Next.
- Ugh! No, not the guy.

The welt
that developed on her back

represented the price of justice,

a gnarled and righteous cause

the lunch lady
was happy to correct.

Wait. It was her!

She done it all for the meat.

Meat, meat, meat, meat...

Then, there was Delmer Gibbons,

who spent years trying to get
a job at a suicide hotline,

but he couldn't catch a break
in such a competitive field.

So he went freelance.

_

He waited by the phone
for what felt like forever

but was, in fact, much longer.

Delmer's Home Suicide Hotline.

We'll talk about anything,
even sex.

This is Delmer. To whom do I
have the pleasure of speaking?

- Hello?
- I live alone.

Two weeks ago, I turned
my oven on and stuck my head in.

I just wanted the world
to go away.

In the back of the oven,
I found $9,000,000 in gold.

That money changed my life.

I was suddenly able to afford

the most expensive noose
on the market.

When I got it around my neck,
the ceiling fell in

and released
two kidnapped little girls

being held by a torturer upstairs.

I was hailed a hero.

They vowed to devote their
lives to making me happy.

The first thing I asked for

was a cocktail of the 100
most toxic pills available.

When I came to, the doctors
broke the news to me ...

I'd accidentally invented
a miracle drug

that made me more healthy
and robust than ever.

They told me they could use
my blood to cure cancer.

That night, when I threw myself
off the hospital roof,

I landed on the monster
who kidnapped those kids.

He had escaped from prison

and was on his way
to kill the government.

The government asked me
to keep attempting suicide

because of all the good
my failures bring to the world.

It makes me so happy

to have a real government
see me as useful.

I finally have a reason to live!

I can't bring myself to try again.

Okay, wait, so if you
don't want to kill yourself,

then why are you calling me?

This isn't an "I don't
want to suicide" hotline.

I can't really keep my line
tied up like this!

You're right. I'm sorry.

I'm such an idiot
and don't deserve to live.

Now we're talking!
Finally, I can do my job.

Okay.
Don't do it!

- Don't! Don't do it!
- I'm so confused.

Let me tell you a little story.

It's about an ordinary teenager
who wants to commit suicide.

He decides to write
the perfect suicide note.

He works on it day and night,

toiling away on his masterpiece
for decades.

After 80 years, publishers hear
what he's working on.

There's a bidding war.

He ends up with a huge advance
for the note rights.

The media gets wind.

The whole world is waiting
for this note to be finished.

He's a major celebrity,
invited to all the parties.

Men want to screw him.
Women want to be him.

Jesus Christ,
goth kids want to eat him.

They make pilgrimages
to his mansion.

They climb his gates to peek at
him scribbling by candlelight.

Finally, when he's 97, he finishes.

It's time to off himself,
but he wants to wait

until the reviews come in,
see what the critics think.

Well, it's a hit,
universally praised

as the finest work of literature
ever produced.

But the public is so furious
he didn't go through with it,

- they drag him into the street and ...
- Stick their willies in his mouth?

No. They just leave.
Willies dry.

Everyone went soft, lost interest.

The public was captivated
by the promise, the process.

Now that it's just
another consumer product

with a UPC code,
it loses its mystique.

They start to resent him.

So, to get back at the world,
the guy refuses to ever die.

He just goes on living
for hundreds of years.

But still, no one cares.

And that's my message to you ...
No one cares.

Hello? Hello?

Hello?

After that,
the calls came rolling in.

Every day was Christmas.

But Delmer never did figure out
how to monetize the business.

And yet, we know

that when a butterfly
flaps it wing in Sheboygan,

it can set into motion
a chain of escalating gusts

that eventually results
in a hurricane in Bali.

Scientists claim this proves the
chaotic nature of our universe.

But Dr. Derrick Highbury
has just discovered

it is actually because
all butterflies hate Bali.

His research has revealed
that the Balinese

use crushed butterfly skulls
as a table seasoning,

and a common beverage in Bali
is butterfly tears,

traditionally guzzled
listening to Balinese disco

made from the screams
of butterflies

whose genitals are being
rhythmically electrocuted.

When asked to comment,
the entire population of Bali

pretended to be asleep
for six years

to avoid discussing the issue.

The war between butterflies
and Bali

dates back to prehistoric times,
when Cave Balinese

would eat the beating hearts
of cave butterflies

for good luck in their primitive
butterfly insulting contests.

The world's butterflies
are merely fighting back

against those who seek
to harm their kind

by using their natural ability

to bend the force of chaos
to deliver fierce justice.

Dr. Highbury decrypted

how the butterflies managed
to so precisely hone

the long-term effects
of their wing flaps.

After much practice, he was able
to manipulate a butterfly wing

to cause any result he wished for ...

if he became hungry...

if he fancied company
for the evening...

or even the entire weekend.

Dr. Highbury grew accustomed

to having anything
his heart desired.

...and God is watching
over you,

and God is smiling at you,
and God is loving on you.

Let us now turn to Corinthians...

He felt obliged to test

the outer limits of his power.

Hang on. One moment.
I'm being handed a note.

I have breaking news.

I hate to be the one to report this,

but according
to many verified sources,

it appears that God is dead.

- Yes.
- He was placed in a choke hold

by police as he slept.

After months of having
his every twisted whim sated

just to feel anything at all,

Highbury required increasingly
exotic pleasures,

a sickness culminating
in the most perverse craving

of all time ...
the desire to experience true love.

But by now, the butterflies knew
he had grown dependent

and refused to cooperate
until Highbury helped them

with the secret mission they'd
been planning for him all along.

He had no choice
but to do as they commanded.

They needed Highbury
to create a Butterfly Man ...

a human puppet secretly
controlled by butterflies,

sent to ingratiate himself
to the Balinese

and then slowly
take over the country

until he was in a position
to crush it from within.

The Butterfly Man was accepted
by the people of Bali

and quickly fit in...

too well, in fact,
as he began to discover

he had feelings
for the simple Balinese maiden

who brought him his supper
in the evenings.

He found in their easy rapport

an inner serenity
he never thought possible

and decided to abandon his plan
for Balinese destruction

and run away with his beloved.

He even began to enjoy seasoning
his food with butterfly skulls

and dance to the disco forged
from the screams of his kind.

Naturally, his butterfly brethren

were devastated by the betrayal.

And Highbury, he never was able
to find the love

that seemed to come
so effortlessly to others.

On the eve of their 50th anniversary,

the simple Balinese maiden

revealed her deepest shame
to her husband ...

that she was a corpse herself,
filled with bees,

who sent her there on a mission

to prove to butterflies
once and for all

that the true nature
of the universe is chaos

and is beautiful
and must never be defiled again.

♪ Blood in the kitchen,
there's blood in the hall ♪

♪ There's blood in the parlor
where my lady did fall ♪

♪ Long Lankin was hanged
on a gibbet so high ♪

♪ And the false nurse was burned
on a fire close by ♪

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