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00:00:23,482 --> 00:00:27,862
‐ I, Balder the Brave, have assembled
the best warriors in all of Asgard,
2
00:00:27,861 --> 00:00:30,661
to defend the sanctity of our land.
3
00:00:30,656 --> 00:00:35,576
We must find the evil sorcerer
who madeth this tear in our sky
4
00:00:36,078 --> 00:00:39,918
and sullies our beauteous realm
with unholy artifacts‐‐
5
00:00:57,516 --> 00:01:01,976
‐ What else can I launch down
this trash portal I built to Asgard?
6
00:01:01,979 --> 00:01:03,269
‐ I don't understand,
7
00:01:03,272 --> 00:01:04,652
how is this gonna
help you destroy Monica
8
00:01:04,648 --> 00:01:06,148
and reclaim your title
as Scientist Supreme?
9
00:01:06,149 --> 00:01:09,029
‐ It won't, it just makes me feel great
to screw with Thor.
10
00:01:09,027 --> 00:01:12,987
Every time I feel sad, I throw
a string cheese wrapper down there.
11
00:01:15,075 --> 00:01:17,615
If only there was a way
not to eat the string cheese.
12
00:01:17,619 --> 00:01:20,709
As for Monica,
I have a diabolically intricate plan.
13
00:01:20,706 --> 00:01:23,126
First, I wanna chuck one of these
heavy mothers into the portal.
14
00:01:23,125 --> 00:01:24,165
‐ Oh, can't let you do that.
15
00:01:24,168 --> 00:01:26,498
I was elected
the office fire safety captain.
16
00:01:26,503 --> 00:01:28,463
I take fire very seriously.
17
00:01:28,839 --> 00:01:31,339
Gorgeous fire, sexy fire,
18
00:01:31,341 --> 00:01:33,591
flickering like a dancing woman!
19
00:01:33,594 --> 00:01:36,264
An elusive beauty you'd destroy
the world just to please!
20
00:01:36,263 --> 00:01:38,433
‐ Yeah, yeah, fire's awesome.
Now hand me that milk.
21
00:01:38,432 --> 00:01:41,772
This trashcan here is a portal
directly into my stomach.
22
00:01:41,768 --> 00:01:46,268
That way when my mouth is busy eating,
other food gets VIP stomach access.
23
00:01:46,273 --> 00:01:48,733
See? Why eat harder
when you can eat smart‐‐
24
00:01:49,943 --> 00:01:51,993
‐ Oh. Oh no, puke makes me‐‐
‐ Gary, no!
25
00:01:58,535 --> 00:02:01,825
‐ So, MODOK, I know
you've been ignoring my emails.
26
00:02:01,830 --> 00:02:04,120
‐ Oh, I meant to tell you
I have a new email now.
27
00:02:04,124 --> 00:02:06,754
MODOK at Austin‐sucks‐butts‐dot‐edu.
28
00:02:06,752 --> 00:02:08,052
‐ Why would it be an edu?
29
00:02:08,045 --> 00:02:10,415
‐ 'Cause I just took you to school!
30
00:02:11,840 --> 00:02:14,260
‐ Clearly you're not responding
to my management style
31
00:02:14,259 --> 00:02:16,719
so from here on out
I'll be delivering you orders
32
00:02:16,720 --> 00:02:19,060
via my sweet little puppy, Sherlock.
33
00:02:19,056 --> 00:02:22,386
"Hey. I'm Sherlock,
and people are complaining
34
00:02:22,392 --> 00:02:24,852
"that you're not delivering
their packages,
35
00:02:24,853 --> 00:02:28,733
which makes me think
you're low‐key not doing your job."
36
00:02:28,732 --> 00:02:31,652
‐ First of all, Sherlock is
an absolute little gentleman.
37
00:02:31,652 --> 00:02:33,032
He would never say that.
38
00:02:33,028 --> 00:02:35,698
Second of all, look at his little scarf,
oh my gosh!
39
00:02:35,697 --> 00:02:37,737
Third of all, he would never say that.
Now get out of here!
40
00:02:37,741 --> 00:02:40,581
‐
If you can't deliver the mail,
we're gonna have to demote you.
41
00:02:40,577 --> 00:02:42,907
And I'd hate to demote you,
42
00:02:42,913 --> 00:02:46,503
because then I'd have
to figure out what's lower than this.
43
00:02:47,209 --> 00:02:50,169
Hey, Dillman!
Sherlock's got some news for you.
44
00:02:50,170 --> 00:02:53,220
"We saw some
inappropriate images on your hard drive.
45
00:02:53,215 --> 00:02:57,085
Pretty ruff‐ruff stuff!
The police are on their way!"
46
00:02:57,094 --> 00:03:00,394
‐ Gary, I'm feeling
some good rage right now.
47
00:03:00,389 --> 00:03:01,809
Let's channel it into this.
48
00:03:01,807 --> 00:03:03,927
Behold:
a battle suit proportional to my head,
49
00:03:03,934 --> 00:03:06,274
giving me the power
to crush Austin and Monica
50
00:03:06,270 --> 00:03:09,020
and finally experience
what it's like to have thighs!
51
00:03:09,022 --> 00:03:11,282
Thick thighs save lives!
52
00:03:11,692 --> 00:03:14,282
Or in the case, end them.
53
00:03:15,571 --> 00:03:16,821
Oh my God, it's Jodie.
54
00:03:16,822 --> 00:03:18,872
This is the first time she's called
since the separation.
55
00:03:18,866 --> 00:03:20,866
This is a chance to impress her.
56
00:03:22,411 --> 00:03:24,751
How's it hangin', duder?
57
00:03:24,746 --> 00:03:26,366
I'm blowing it, Gary.
Think of something.
58
00:03:26,373 --> 00:03:28,423
‐ Oh! Say hello!
59
00:03:28,417 --> 00:03:29,587
‐ Har‐low.
60
00:03:29,585 --> 00:03:31,295
Oh, thank God. MODOK, I need you.
61
00:03:31,295 --> 00:03:32,625
‐ Gary, it's phone sex.
62
00:03:32,629 --> 00:03:33,919
‐
The sex you're best at!
63
00:03:33,922 --> 00:03:35,762
‐ It's not phone sex, MODOK.
64
00:03:35,757 --> 00:03:38,337
Lou released a bunch of doves
at his Bar Mitzvah rehearsal,
65
00:03:38,343 --> 00:03:40,353
and now there's bird shit
all over the bimah.
66
00:03:40,345 --> 00:03:42,055
The Rabbi is furious.
67
00:03:42,055 --> 00:03:43,515
‐ Nice. My turn.
68
00:03:43,515 --> 00:03:45,595
I take off your bra using only my teeth.
69
00:03:45,601 --> 00:03:47,441
And then my throat starts to close up.
70
00:03:47,436 --> 00:03:49,686
I'm clearly allergic
to something in the fabric.
71
00:03:49,688 --> 00:03:51,898
I fumble at your panties,
but it's too late.
72
00:03:51,899 --> 00:03:53,779
I lose consciousness‐‐
73
00:03:53,775 --> 00:03:55,815
‐ Oh my God,
just get down here and help me.
74
00:03:59,031 --> 00:04:00,781
‐ Lou, what the hell
happened in there?
75
00:04:00,782 --> 00:04:03,292
‐ One dove corrupted the others.
It's not my fault!
76
00:04:03,285 --> 00:04:06,995
‐ The Rabbi doesn't want you doing
weird magic tricks at your Bar Mitzvah!
77
00:04:06,997 --> 00:04:08,827
‐ But magic's sorta my whole deal.
78
00:04:08,832 --> 00:04:11,042
I'm gonna pull rabbits out of yarmulkes,
79
00:04:11,043 --> 00:04:12,293
yarmulkes out of rabbits.
80
00:04:12,294 --> 00:04:14,424
And for my final trick:
81
00:04:14,421 --> 00:04:16,551
I resurrect my foreskin...
82
00:04:16,548 --> 00:04:18,548
from the dead!
83
00:04:18,550 --> 00:04:20,970
‐ Aww, honey, we talked about this.
84
00:04:20,969 --> 00:04:22,299
Your foreskin's in Hell.
85
00:04:22,304 --> 00:04:23,684
‐ Where it belongs!
86
00:04:23,680 --> 00:04:26,560
‐ And to celebrate
my Mexican heritage, Mom,
87
00:04:26,558 --> 00:04:28,438
I'll be a‐click‐clackin' around
88
00:04:28,435 --> 00:04:30,435
in the heels
from your quinceañera.
89
00:04:30,437 --> 00:04:34,187
‐ I didn't have a quinceañera,
and those aren't my shoes.
90
00:04:34,191 --> 00:04:37,441
But if one or two of these ideas
makes you happy‐‐
91
00:04:37,444 --> 00:04:38,864
‐ Oh, I'm just warming up.
92
00:04:38,862 --> 00:04:41,072
I want a loose hot dog bar
with all the works,
93
00:04:41,073 --> 00:04:43,953
which means nothing
but loose hot dogs and the water.
94
00:04:43,951 --> 00:04:46,951
I want my boysmaids
to wear denim jumpsuits.
95
00:04:46,954 --> 00:04:50,004
Oh, also I want boysmaids.
And this is non‐negotiable:
96
00:04:49,998 --> 00:04:52,578
I want Great‐Grandma Esther
to do a reading
97
00:04:52,584 --> 00:04:55,754
from my erotic poetry
about the green M&M.
98
00:04:55,754 --> 00:04:58,554
And those are just my safe ideas.
99
00:04:58,549 --> 00:05:00,049
‐ InStyle magazine
was gonna do
100
00:05:00,050 --> 00:05:02,510
a feature on me planning
this Bar Mitzvah.
101
00:05:02,511 --> 00:05:03,641
Maybe I should just cancel it.
102
00:05:03,637 --> 00:05:04,887
‐ I'm all over it, trust me.
103
00:05:04,888 --> 00:05:06,598
The title for that article is gonna be:
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00:05:06,598 --> 00:05:09,728
"Normal Boy
Has Normal Bar Mitzvah."
105
00:05:11,645 --> 00:05:15,515
‐ Shh‐shh‐shh.
You're gonna be a big bright star.
106
00:05:16,483 --> 00:05:17,863
‐ Good luck.
107
00:05:17,860 --> 00:05:20,030
‐ I usually only seamstress
on the weekends,
108
00:05:20,028 --> 00:05:22,318
but this is lovely‐‐
‐ Shut up, Gary.
109
00:05:22,322 --> 00:05:24,162
I'm trying to listen to my weird son.
110
00:05:24,157 --> 00:05:26,077
‐ "Ninety percent
of magic's in the flair."
111
00:05:26,076 --> 00:05:27,236
David Copperfield said that.
112
00:05:27,244 --> 00:05:29,714
"Ninety percent of magic's
in the hair."
113
00:05:29,705 --> 00:05:31,955
David Copperfield's
hair‐plug guy said that.
114
00:05:31,957 --> 00:05:34,207
Now look in your pocket.
115
00:05:34,209 --> 00:05:36,089
‐ Did you put creamed corn
in my pocket?
116
00:05:36,086 --> 00:05:38,256
‐ A trick and a treat.
117
00:05:38,255 --> 00:05:42,045
‐ Gary, go get more fire extinguishers
while I tamp down my son's individuality.
118
00:05:42,050 --> 00:05:43,890
‐ Yeah, I'm probably gonna go
light something on fire.
119
00:05:43,886 --> 00:05:46,636
‐ Hey, buddy, whatcha workin' on?
120
00:05:46,638 --> 00:05:49,268
Got any more magic for your old pappy?
121
00:05:49,266 --> 00:05:52,136
‐ Wow. To be honest, I thought
you absolutely hated my magic.
122
00:05:52,144 --> 00:05:54,484
‐ Seems like I pulled
a magic trick on you then.
123
00:05:54,479 --> 00:05:56,109
Let me see your magic gear.
124
00:05:56,106 --> 00:05:58,816
‐ Oh my, I don't even have much today.
125
00:05:58,817 --> 00:06:00,397
Just a barebones kit.
126
00:06:00,402 --> 00:06:01,532
Magic hat.
‐ Of course.
127
00:06:01,528 --> 00:06:02,318
‐ Wand.
‐ Classic.
128
00:06:02,321 --> 00:06:03,411
‐ Backup wand.
‐ Smart.
129
00:06:03,405 --> 00:06:04,565
‐ Deck of cards.
‐ Love it.
130
00:06:04,573 --> 00:06:06,453
‐ 140 handkerchiefs.
‐ The best!
131
00:06:06,450 --> 00:06:08,290
‐ Open can of corn.
‐ Necessary?
132
00:06:08,285 --> 00:06:10,075
‐ Sword of mystery!
‐ Mysterious.
133
00:06:10,078 --> 00:06:11,788
‐ And a photo of you guys.
‐ Aww.
134
00:06:11,788 --> 00:06:13,458
‐ Because there's nothing more magical
135
00:06:13,457 --> 00:06:15,917
than the love and support
of a good family‐‐
136
00:06:15,918 --> 00:06:17,128
My gear!
137
00:06:17,127 --> 00:06:19,127
‐ No magic at your Bar Mitzvah!
138
00:06:19,129 --> 00:06:21,419
But‐‐
‐ Why can't you just be normal like‐‐
139
00:06:23,467 --> 00:06:24,887
Normal like‐‐
140
00:06:24,885 --> 00:06:26,795
‐ Argh!
141
00:06:26,803 --> 00:06:28,353
‐ Normal like‐‐
142
00:06:29,806 --> 00:06:31,476
Just no magic. That's final!
143
00:06:31,475 --> 00:06:33,385
‐ If you think
I'm afraid of getting dirty,
144
00:06:33,393 --> 00:06:35,853
you clearly haven't read my letters
to the green M&M!
145
00:06:35,854 --> 00:06:38,324
Who threw away this perfectly good
swirling vortex‐‐
146
00:06:38,315 --> 00:06:39,895
Ahhh!
‐ No, no, no, no!
147
00:06:39,900 --> 00:06:41,740
Last night at Hardee's, now this!
148
00:06:41,735 --> 00:06:45,905
Can there be one day this week
where I don't dive into a garbage can?
149
00:06:45,906 --> 00:06:47,566
Don't worry, Lou.
I'm coming!
150
00:06:51,245 --> 00:06:52,325
‐ Ohh!
151
00:06:53,330 --> 00:06:56,040
‐ Oh phew!
Lou landed safely and softly.
152
00:06:56,041 --> 00:06:57,211
And now for me as well‐‐
153
00:07:01,505 --> 00:07:05,005
Eat your heart out,
Kerri Strug and Sully Sullenberger.
154
00:07:05,008 --> 00:07:06,928
There's a new lander in town.
155
00:07:06,927 --> 00:07:10,467
‐ Who knew my Narnia
was just a trashcan away?
156
00:07:10,472 --> 00:07:12,852
Oh, it even has fairies!
157
00:07:12,850 --> 00:07:14,890
Ah. He's wonderful!
158
00:07:14,893 --> 00:07:16,103
‐ Gimme your sneakers!
159
00:07:16,103 --> 00:07:18,113
‐ Stay there!
I'm coming to get you!
160
00:07:18,105 --> 00:07:20,725
‐ Uh‐oh. Company.
I'll be back for those sneakers!
161
00:07:20,732 --> 00:07:22,942
‐ Goodbye, fairy, I'll miss you!
162
00:07:22,943 --> 00:07:24,743
Even the stabbing!
163
00:07:24,736 --> 00:07:26,606
Hey! My magic stuff!
164
00:07:28,198 --> 00:07:29,278
Ahh!
165
00:07:29,283 --> 00:07:31,203
Dad!
‐ Kobold goblins!
166
00:07:31,201 --> 00:07:32,621
Lou! No!
167
00:07:32,619 --> 00:07:34,079
Ohh! Ah!
168
00:07:34,955 --> 00:07:37,415
‐ Aw man, Skechers Step Ups?
169
00:07:37,416 --> 00:07:38,666
That's a stab!
170
00:07:44,715 --> 00:07:46,625
‐ Goat! Ahh!
171
00:07:46,633 --> 00:07:48,223
Oh, it's one of those fainting goats!
172
00:07:49,219 --> 00:07:51,719
Ugh, dang goat chewed my wires up!
173
00:07:51,722 --> 00:07:52,762
I can fix this.
174
00:07:52,764 --> 00:07:54,684
Oh, my back.
175
00:07:54,683 --> 00:07:57,353
The one thing on my body
I can't reach besides everything else.
176
00:07:57,352 --> 00:07:59,402
Lou! My son!
177
00:08:07,196 --> 00:08:09,986
I got twigs in my
just‐threaded eyebrows for you?
178
00:08:10,282 --> 00:08:12,202
Well, at least you're friendly.
179
00:08:12,201 --> 00:08:13,621
Ahh!
180
00:08:13,619 --> 00:08:15,999
I can't concentrate on goats right now.
181
00:08:15,996 --> 00:08:17,916
I'm trying to figure out
a way to get around.
182
00:08:20,709 --> 00:08:24,209
Oh, hell yeah!
In Asgard, goats can fly!
183
00:08:25,756 --> 00:08:28,426
I said "goats can fly"!
184
00:08:28,425 --> 00:08:31,545
Did I get
the only non‐flying goats in Asgard?
185
00:08:32,596 --> 00:08:34,256
Should I switch them out?
186
00:08:34,264 --> 00:08:36,644
No, no, I can't spend
all day switching goats.
187
00:08:36,642 --> 00:08:38,732
Just gotta commit to these.
188
00:08:38,727 --> 00:08:40,687
Dammit!
189
00:08:43,482 --> 00:08:44,732
I'm so nervous for Lou,
190
00:08:44,733 --> 00:08:47,363
I can barely eat
this old slice of CPK pizza.
191
00:08:48,362 --> 00:08:50,662
OMG, it's Lou's A. I. M. visitor badge.
192
00:08:50,656 --> 00:08:52,616
We're on the right path, goats!
That's right.
193
00:08:52,616 --> 00:08:55,196
I refuse to name you
because I'll probably eat you.
194
00:08:55,202 --> 00:08:57,832
Goatye! Billy the Kid!
Dammit, I love them now!
195
00:08:57,829 --> 00:09:00,169
Oh crap, it's Jodie.
196
00:09:00,165 --> 00:09:02,705
Hey, girl. Things are all good here.
197
00:09:02,709 --> 00:09:05,879
Well, seems like a natural stopping point
for us to hop off the phone. Bye‐‐
198
00:09:05,879 --> 00:09:08,089
JODIE No, wait!
I'm just calling to see how Lou's doing.
199
00:09:08,090 --> 00:09:10,300
I know how important
the Bar Mitzvah is to him,
200
00:09:10,300 --> 00:09:11,800
and he's so fragile.
201
00:09:11,802 --> 00:09:13,602
‐ Oh, he's fine. He's‐‐
202
00:09:13,595 --> 00:09:15,135
Giant honking squirrel!
203
00:09:16,640 --> 00:09:17,600
I'm sorry, what?
204
00:09:17,599 --> 00:09:19,309
‐ Yeah, giant honking squirrel.
205
00:09:19,309 --> 00:09:20,559
It's an expression.
206
00:09:20,561 --> 00:09:22,601
It means
"out of harm's way, totally safe."
207
00:09:22,604 --> 00:09:25,194
You never heard that before?
Wow, you're such a‐‐
208
00:09:25,190 --> 00:09:26,610
Frost Giant!
209
00:09:26,608 --> 00:09:29,568
Okay, now I'm a "Frost Giant"?
What‐‐ what does that mean?
210
00:09:29,570 --> 00:09:31,700
‐ Oh Jodie,
you're showing your age.
211
00:09:32,364 --> 00:09:34,324
It's another expression, of course.
212
00:09:35,450 --> 00:09:37,450
The point is,
Lou's totally safe.
213
00:09:38,245 --> 00:09:41,365
He's as safe as an‐‐
Even bigger honking squirrel!
214
00:09:43,208 --> 00:09:45,628
Well, now that I know
that means he's safe,
215
00:09:45,627 --> 00:09:47,917
I guess... good?
216
00:09:47,921 --> 00:09:49,131
Thank you for handling this.
217
00:09:49,131 --> 00:09:51,301
‐ Alright, seems like
we're wrapping up , thank God.
218
00:09:51,300 --> 00:09:52,970
Just know that everything's‐‐
219
00:09:52,968 --> 00:09:54,678
b‐b‐b‐bodacious hunks!
220
00:09:55,721 --> 00:09:57,971
Okay, so I just looked up
"Frost Giant,"
221
00:09:57,973 --> 00:10:01,603
and I have never done that
to an ice cream sandwich!
222
00:10:02,102 --> 00:10:04,102
‐ Once again I apologize
223
00:10:04,104 --> 00:10:07,324
for how we all pointed swords
at your horrible face.
224
00:10:07,608 --> 00:10:11,608
‐ And I apologize for continually guessing
your body fat percentage on the way over.
225
00:10:11,612 --> 00:10:13,492
It's zero, right?
You gotta tell me if I'm close.
226
00:10:13,488 --> 00:10:16,988
‐ We're on the hunt for the sorcerer
who murdered our General.
227
00:10:16,992 --> 00:10:20,502
The only clue we have
is the sorcerer's symbol.
228
00:10:20,495 --> 00:10:24,495
Each carries the same marking
as the loathsome death box,
229
00:10:24,499 --> 00:10:27,039
the cause of our leader's demise.
230
00:10:27,044 --> 00:10:29,254
‐ I've never seen that logo in my life.
231
00:10:29,254 --> 00:10:30,214
It's‐‐ it's cool though, right?
232
00:10:30,214 --> 00:10:31,634
I mean, it looks like it's
by the same guy who did
233
00:10:31,632 --> 00:10:34,092
the Baskin Robbins logo,
so it couldn't have been cheap.
234
00:10:34,092 --> 00:10:36,722
You know, they‐‐ they hide the number 31
in the Baskin Robbins logo.
235
00:10:36,720 --> 00:10:38,100
You can see that, right?
Have you ever seen that?
236
00:10:38,096 --> 00:10:41,016
It's so cool! But that logo,
I've never seen that one in my life.
237
00:10:42,809 --> 00:10:47,809
‐ All I know is if we find him,
verily we will clonk him up good.
238
00:10:47,814 --> 00:10:49,864
‐ Uh‐huh. Well, if any
of you beefcake beauties
239
00:10:49,858 --> 00:10:50,978
want to join me on a quest,
240
00:10:50,984 --> 00:10:53,954
I've gotta go mess up a bunch
of Kobolds and rescue my son.
241
00:10:53,946 --> 00:10:55,736
‐ Alas, we cannot.
242
00:10:55,739 --> 00:10:58,199
We hast a thousand‐year peace
with the Kobolds.
243
00:10:58,200 --> 00:11:00,660
‐ Because they're harmonious,
peace‐loving creatures
244
00:11:00,661 --> 00:11:01,911
who would never hurt my boy?
245
00:11:01,912 --> 00:11:06,502
‐ No! Those freakish ghouls are
an important part of the ecosystem.
246
00:11:06,500 --> 00:11:08,380
They devour unwanted children...
247
00:11:09,044 --> 00:11:12,054
...allowing us to continue having
unprotected sex
248
00:11:12,047 --> 00:11:13,587
without consequences!
249
00:11:13,590 --> 00:11:16,090
‐ Wow, hot‐‐ No, wait!
Lou is unprotected!
250
00:11:16,093 --> 00:11:18,473
And I made him with sex!
I gotta go!
251
00:11:18,470 --> 00:11:20,720
‐ Fare thee well, horny troll!
252
00:11:28,480 --> 00:11:30,520
‐ Oh good,
the trees are getting creepy.
253
00:11:30,524 --> 00:11:32,114
Must be close to the Kobold city.
254
00:11:32,943 --> 00:11:35,863
A road paved with human skulls?
255
00:11:35,863 --> 00:11:37,663
Huh! A little much.
256
00:11:39,157 --> 00:11:40,907
Lou!
257
00:11:42,911 --> 00:11:44,501
Oh, thank God, it's not him.
258
00:11:44,496 --> 00:11:47,496
These bones are way too calcium‐fortified
to be my noodly son.
259
00:11:48,333 --> 00:11:49,753
A weak child‐like whimper.
260
00:11:49,751 --> 00:11:52,171
Now that's my embarrassing Lou!
261
00:11:53,297 --> 00:11:55,967
‐ Now for the main attraction.
262
00:11:55,966 --> 00:11:57,426
Everyone, please,
please, please take a look.
263
00:11:57,426 --> 00:12:00,346
There's nothing special
about this dental floss, is there?
264
00:12:00,345 --> 00:12:02,425
‐ We don't even know
what dental floss is!
265
00:12:02,431 --> 00:12:03,641
‐ And in a few short moments,
266
00:12:03,640 --> 00:12:06,020
I will fuse these two
dental flosses together
267
00:12:06,018 --> 00:12:08,398
to make one dental floss!
268
00:12:08,395 --> 00:12:11,605
‐ I can't follow any of this!
I love it!
269
00:12:14,318 --> 00:12:17,318
‐ It's like a one‐way
Lady and the Tramp, folks.
270
00:12:27,706 --> 00:12:31,126
Behold, a single floss!
271
00:12:35,839 --> 00:12:38,759
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Can you fill in for a beat, Krawleen?
272
00:12:47,476 --> 00:12:49,056
Hey, Dad! You look hungry.
273
00:12:49,061 --> 00:12:52,151
I can have someone bring you
some Valhallapeño Poppers.
274
00:12:52,147 --> 00:12:53,437
What do you want?
An Asgarden Burger?
275
00:12:53,440 --> 00:12:56,650
How about nachos, Thor‐style,
where they smash 'em up with a hammer?
276
00:12:56,652 --> 00:12:58,902
‐ Oh my God, my poor dear boy.
277
00:12:58,904 --> 00:13:01,744
Look what they've done to you.
Turned you into a fool.
278
00:13:01,740 --> 00:13:03,240
‐ What? You mean my act?
279
00:13:03,242 --> 00:13:05,082
I've been workshopping it
for my Bar Mitzvah.
280
00:13:05,077 --> 00:13:07,407
Now that you know that,
do you think it's pretty cool?
281
00:13:07,412 --> 00:13:09,162
‐ No! I don't understand it.
282
00:13:09,164 --> 00:13:11,754
The last time I saw you,
these things were going to eat you!
283
00:13:11,750 --> 00:13:14,590
‐ Oh, they were saucin' me up,
flavorin' me good.
284
00:13:14,586 --> 00:13:16,796
I'm talkin' celery,
onions, bell peppers,
285
00:13:16,797 --> 00:13:18,757
the holy trinity of Cajun cuisine‐‐
286
00:13:18,757 --> 00:13:20,877
‐ Just get to the part
where they didn't eat you.
287
00:13:20,884 --> 00:13:25,014
‐ I did that thing where I made one ball
turn into two balls.
288
00:13:25,013 --> 00:13:29,023
And look at me now! Full residency
at the Catch A Rising Kobold Theater!
289
00:13:29,017 --> 00:13:31,557
‐ I was so worried about you only to learn
that you've become the jester
290
00:13:31,562 --> 00:13:33,612
to some freaky‐ass goblin creatures?
291
00:13:33,605 --> 00:13:36,105
‐ Actually, I'm doing really well.
292
00:13:36,108 --> 00:13:37,688
I'm making more than Krawleen.
293
00:13:37,693 --> 00:13:39,783
And she's Krawleen!
294
00:13:42,447 --> 00:13:45,027
‐ No son of mine upstages Krawleen.
We're leaving!
295
00:13:45,033 --> 00:13:46,413
‐ But, Dad‐‐
‐ Time to go home
296
00:13:46,410 --> 00:13:50,210
and prepare for your traditional,
non‐humiliating Bar Mitzvah.
297
00:13:50,205 --> 00:13:52,535
‐ Why would I go home
when I could stay here
298
00:13:52,541 --> 00:13:53,881
where I don't have to hide who I am?
299
00:13:53,876 --> 00:13:55,786
‐ That was you hiding who you are?
300
00:13:55,794 --> 00:13:58,514
I'm constantly dealing with it!
It's so in my face!
301
00:14:00,591 --> 00:14:02,091
‐ Throw him out.
302
00:14:05,637 --> 00:14:08,677
‐ I believe I had two goats!
303
00:14:08,682 --> 00:14:11,142
These are them. Thanks.
304
00:14:11,143 --> 00:14:12,773
I only had two!
305
00:14:12,769 --> 00:14:15,109
I'm not keeping this goat‐‐
Goatis Redding. Dammit!
306
00:14:15,105 --> 00:14:16,975
Ahh, you're in the gang,
and I love you forever.
307
00:14:16,982 --> 00:14:18,152
For my next trick,
308
00:14:18,150 --> 00:14:20,320
I'll pull a guitar out of Krawleen.
309
00:14:21,862 --> 00:14:24,572
‐ I can't protect Lou if he's stuck
in that goblin city
310
00:14:24,573 --> 00:14:25,783
guarded by those freaks.
311
00:14:25,782 --> 00:14:27,082
I'll have to take him back by force.
312
00:14:27,075 --> 00:14:28,825
Looks like the only way to save my son
313
00:14:29,494 --> 00:14:31,464
is to go to war with him.
314
00:14:34,625 --> 00:14:36,205
Well, I ate Goatis.
315
00:14:36,210 --> 00:14:38,300
Anyway, hey, Asgardians!
316
00:14:38,295 --> 00:14:41,255
Is this the sorcerer you're looking for?
317
00:14:41,256 --> 00:14:42,166
The symbol!
318
00:14:42,174 --> 00:14:43,844
‐ He leads the Kobolds!
319
00:14:43,842 --> 00:14:46,262
‐ Then we go to war!
320
00:14:46,261 --> 00:14:48,971
‐ For the normalcy
of my son's Bar Mitzvah!
321
00:14:48,972 --> 00:14:51,022
‐ For the what of the what?
322
00:14:51,016 --> 00:14:53,056
‐ For a deeply personal conflict
323
00:14:53,060 --> 00:14:55,350
that has nothing
to do with you guys!
324
00:14:59,942 --> 00:15:01,942
To my beautiful wife, Astrid.
325
00:15:01,944 --> 00:15:05,034
The Great Bar Mitzvah Wars
have dragged on for months.
326
00:15:05,030 --> 00:15:07,570
Know that if this great war takes me,
327
00:15:07,574 --> 00:15:10,294
I want you to... never move on.
328
00:15:10,285 --> 00:15:13,495
I'm serious.
If you do, I'll haunt you forever.
329
00:15:14,164 --> 00:15:17,254
Life on the front lines is unforgiving.
330
00:15:17,251 --> 00:15:19,961
The only thing that gives me hope
are your letters
331
00:15:19,962 --> 00:15:22,302
written in aged menstrual blood.
332
00:15:22,297 --> 00:15:25,797
If I do not return,
dear pungent Gremelina,
333
00:15:25,801 --> 00:15:28,101
I know that I will miss every part of you.
334
00:15:28,387 --> 00:15:32,057
Your scaly flesh,
the stench of your rotting teeth,
335
00:15:32,057 --> 00:15:35,847
the moles that line every inch
of your mug‐shaped body.
336
00:15:36,144 --> 00:15:37,814
But though we suffer,
337
00:15:37,813 --> 00:15:40,233
none suffer more than our great leader
338
00:15:40,232 --> 00:15:42,532
who carries the full weight of this war.
339
00:15:42,526 --> 00:15:44,696
‐
Okay, Dad. I give up magic.
340
00:15:44,695 --> 00:15:48,115
I like normal stuff now,
like cars and toast.
341
00:15:48,115 --> 00:15:50,235
Thanks, son. I accept your surrender.
342
00:15:50,242 --> 00:15:52,582
Just kidding, I'm gonna kill
all these stupid goblins.
343
00:15:52,578 --> 00:15:54,038
Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew!
344
00:15:54,037 --> 00:15:56,037
I'm the man now, dog!
345
00:15:56,039 --> 00:15:58,169
How goes the battlefront, General Dagr?
346
00:15:58,166 --> 00:16:01,456
‐ We have taken great losses.
‐ Oh. I hate hearing that.
347
00:16:01,461 --> 00:16:04,051
Should I reflect that on the table?
Why are we losing soldiers?
348
00:16:04,047 --> 00:16:07,677
‐ You took their shields away
and melted them down to make figurines.
349
00:16:07,676 --> 00:16:09,046
‐ Well, we didn't
take their swords, though.
350
00:16:09,052 --> 00:16:11,102
Let's take their swords
and melt those down
351
00:16:11,096 --> 00:16:12,636
to make shields for the figurines.
352
00:16:12,639 --> 00:16:14,429
I don't want to make
the same mistake with the figurines
353
00:16:14,433 --> 00:16:15,643
that I did with the soldiers.
354
00:16:16,852 --> 00:16:20,112
‐ Lord, the other side hast offered
355
00:16:20,105 --> 00:16:22,435
to meet and negotiate peace.
356
00:16:22,441 --> 00:16:24,741
‐ Peace, you say?
357
00:16:37,581 --> 00:16:40,581
I'm here for peace!
358
00:16:45,797 --> 00:16:48,507
‐ So... this war sorta got out of hand,
359
00:16:48,509 --> 00:16:51,429
and, uh, a lot of people sorta died.
360
00:16:51,428 --> 00:16:55,218
‐ Wrong again.
This war was always in hand, my hand.
361
00:16:55,224 --> 00:16:57,024
And a lot of people definitely died.
362
00:16:57,017 --> 00:16:58,437
And after this tank pops off,
363
00:16:58,435 --> 00:17:01,225
a hell of a lot more people
are going to die.
364
00:17:01,813 --> 00:17:05,443
‐ As a peace offering,
I brought you these flowers.
365
00:17:09,404 --> 00:17:10,994
‐ Aah!
366
00:17:11,782 --> 00:17:13,622
Yah!
367
00:17:24,837 --> 00:17:26,297
‐ Go ahead, laugh at me!
368
00:17:26,296 --> 00:17:27,966
Just like everyone always has!
369
00:17:29,383 --> 00:17:31,763
That's right.
Just go. Leave.
370
00:17:32,511 --> 00:17:35,011
‐ Here, Dad, let me‐‐
‐ Don't touch me!
371
00:17:35,389 --> 00:17:36,429
‐ Use this.
372
00:17:37,975 --> 00:17:41,765
‐ This is... this is exactly
what I wanted to save you from.
373
00:17:41,770 --> 00:17:42,770
‐ What?
374
00:17:42,771 --> 00:17:45,981
‐ I didn't want you doing magic
at your Bar Mitzvah
375
00:17:45,983 --> 00:17:48,653
because... well, I didn't want you
to feel humiliated.
376
00:17:49,778 --> 00:17:52,568
On account of magic being lame?
377
00:17:52,573 --> 00:17:53,783
‐ Disagree. Continue.
378
00:17:54,116 --> 00:17:55,486
‐ I worry about you.
379
00:17:55,492 --> 00:17:57,662
I worry about you being
too much like me.
380
00:17:57,661 --> 00:17:59,911
‐ I thought you wanted me
to be more like you?
381
00:17:59,913 --> 00:18:01,873
‐ What? No. People hate me.
382
00:18:01,874 --> 00:18:03,924
I've been mocked all my life
for being different.
383
00:18:04,835 --> 00:18:08,005
I want you to be more like,
I‐‐ I don't know... Tony Stark.
384
00:18:08,005 --> 00:18:09,125
‐ Your greatest foe?
385
00:18:09,131 --> 00:18:10,471
‐ People like him.
386
00:18:11,175 --> 00:18:12,625
I want people to like you.
387
00:18:13,093 --> 00:18:13,973
‐ Oh.
388
00:18:13,969 --> 00:18:16,429
‐ One day, I'll conquer the world
and create a utopia
389
00:18:16,430 --> 00:18:18,680
where no one can ever hurt you,
but until then
390
00:18:18,682 --> 00:18:23,772
it's safer for you to like normal things
like football or toast.
391
00:18:23,770 --> 00:18:26,400
‐ You're always bringing up toast.
I like toast.
392
00:18:26,732 --> 00:18:28,652
‐ Yeah?
‐ Yeah.
393
00:18:28,650 --> 00:18:29,690
‐ Hey.
394
00:18:29,693 --> 00:18:34,163
‐ Hey! Kobold justice demands
public execution,
395
00:18:34,156 --> 00:18:35,906
giant head man!
396
00:18:35,908 --> 00:18:37,988
Lou, call my lawyer,
Irving Champlain.
397
00:18:37,993 --> 00:18:41,083
If he doesn't save my life,
it's freeee!
398
00:18:47,336 --> 00:18:48,546
‐ You don't have to do this.
399
00:18:48,545 --> 00:18:50,705
I can get you pewter figurines!
You like pewter figurines?
400
00:18:50,714 --> 00:18:53,844
I can give you all of mine.
I have... 10.
401
00:18:53,842 --> 00:18:55,512
That's every last one.
402
00:18:56,803 --> 00:18:57,853
Oh, please don't kill me!
403
00:18:57,846 --> 00:18:59,766
Alright, I have 6,000 figurines.
404
00:18:59,765 --> 00:19:01,765
You can have them all.
Just don't kill me!
405
00:19:01,767 --> 00:19:03,227
My son needs me!
406
00:19:03,977 --> 00:19:06,147
You gruesome son of a bitch,
407
00:19:06,146 --> 00:19:07,976
you're gonna saw me in half?
408
00:19:10,234 --> 00:19:14,454
Oh, you're gonna saw me in half.
409
00:19:14,446 --> 00:19:17,906
‐ This man likes splitting
our land in two.
410
00:19:17,908 --> 00:19:21,618
Let's see how much he likes it
when we split his body in two!
411
00:19:23,539 --> 00:19:25,959
‐
Nooo!
412
00:19:25,958 --> 00:19:27,078
‐ Murder!
413
00:19:27,459 --> 00:19:29,499
‐ You're killing me, you jerk!
414
00:19:29,503 --> 00:19:31,633
Oh, woe to be cut!
415
00:19:31,630 --> 00:19:33,300
Oh, to be sliced!
416
00:19:33,298 --> 00:19:36,718
Aww, you're cutting my stomach,
and the food's coming out.
417
00:19:36,718 --> 00:19:38,258
I'm getting hungry again!
418
00:19:38,262 --> 00:19:41,772
‐ He speaks so much!
Saw his face!
419
00:19:41,765 --> 00:19:43,725
‐ This is where the saw is!
I've already committed to the cut!
420
00:19:43,725 --> 00:19:47,475
‐ And we've come to the spine,
which you'll never get through!
421
00:19:47,479 --> 00:19:49,269
Ah geez, you did it.
422
00:19:50,899 --> 00:19:51,979
‐ Is he finally‐‐
423
00:19:51,984 --> 00:19:54,494
‐ Ahh, the adrenaline's kickin' in now!
424
00:19:54,486 --> 00:19:57,486
I could die for days!
425
00:19:58,282 --> 00:20:00,332
‐ Dad.
‐ Alright, alright.
426
00:20:00,325 --> 00:20:01,945
Here's the big moment!
427
00:20:01,952 --> 00:20:04,202
Three, two, one.
428
00:20:04,204 --> 00:20:06,294
Countdown to my death begins.
429
00:20:06,290 --> 00:20:08,040
Ten, nine‐‐
‐ He died!
430
00:20:08,041 --> 00:20:09,421
He just died right then!
431
00:20:10,377 --> 00:20:13,337
But wait!
There's more!
432
00:20:13,964 --> 00:20:16,554
‐ Holy shit!
‐ The legs are still kicking!
433
00:20:16,550 --> 00:20:19,140
‐ We've become the monsters!
434
00:20:19,761 --> 00:20:21,561
‐ You saved me!
And it was so fun!
435
00:20:21,555 --> 00:20:22,925
‐ You were a little hammy.
436
00:20:22,931 --> 00:20:25,181
I mean, I can be hammy
sometimes with the magic,
437
00:20:25,184 --> 00:20:28,024
but you were moons over my hammy.
438
00:20:28,020 --> 00:20:30,020
‐ Thank you!
Now hug me, you‐‐
439
00:20:30,022 --> 00:20:31,982
‐ Abra‐hug‐dad‐bra!
440
00:20:34,234 --> 00:20:37,404
‐ So I learned that Lou's strong
in his own way.
441
00:20:37,404 --> 00:20:39,574
And I managed to save my figurines.
442
00:20:39,573 --> 00:20:41,163
So it all worked out.
443
00:20:41,158 --> 00:20:45,038
‐ MODOK, it sounds like there was
a massive and senseless loss of life.
444
00:20:45,037 --> 00:20:46,827
‐ Yeah, but I like magic now!
445
00:20:46,830 --> 00:20:49,630
And I see my son in a different light.
A positive one!
446
00:20:49,625 --> 00:20:51,375
So he's gonna do whatever he wants
447
00:20:51,376 --> 00:20:53,336
at his Bar Mitzvah
whether you like it or not.
448
00:20:53,337 --> 00:20:55,877
‐ MODOK‐‐
‐ Fine, we'll diaper the doves.
449
00:20:55,881 --> 00:20:58,551
‐ It's just that‐‐
‐ Sew their buttholes shut?
450
00:20:58,550 --> 00:21:00,510
You're a monster, but it's done.
451
00:21:00,511 --> 00:21:03,511
‐ Look, everyone knows I like to have fun.
452
00:21:03,514 --> 00:21:05,434
I'm the wacky Rabbi.
453
00:21:05,432 --> 00:21:09,562
I wear yarmulkes
with polka dots on them.
454
00:21:09,561 --> 00:21:11,231
‐ Fine, you're fun.
What are you getting at?
455
00:21:11,230 --> 00:21:13,650
‐ I am worried about Lou's magic.
456
00:21:13,649 --> 00:21:15,479
He's supposed
to be becoming a man,
457
00:21:15,484 --> 00:21:18,574
and I may be a silly Rabbi,
but tricks are for kids.
458
00:21:21,448 --> 00:21:23,658
‐ So you're saying the magic is‐‐
459
00:21:23,659 --> 00:21:25,909
‐ Is a symptom of a larger problem.
460
00:21:25,911 --> 00:21:28,831
Lou seems to be using it
to push people away.
461
00:21:28,830 --> 00:21:32,170
I think he's having a hard time
with the divorce.
462
00:21:32,501 --> 00:21:34,841
‐ You're saying ban magic?
‐ No.
463
00:21:34,837 --> 00:21:38,467
‐ So it's magic ahoy,
set sail for magic?
464
00:21:38,465 --> 00:21:40,795
‐ There isn't a simple answer here.
465
00:21:40,801 --> 00:21:44,181
All I know is your son is hurting.
466
00:21:44,179 --> 00:21:46,809
And it's up to you to figure out
how to help him.
467
00:21:48,600 --> 00:21:51,350
‐ There he is!
Coolest dad in the world!
468
00:21:51,353 --> 00:21:52,353
My best friend!
469
00:21:52,354 --> 00:21:54,064
So did you tell her what's what?
470
00:21:54,064 --> 00:21:56,284
That we both want magic
at my Bar Mitzvah?
471
00:21:56,275 --> 00:21:57,565
‐ Lou, I‐‐
472
00:21:57,568 --> 00:22:02,278
About that,
let's just... talk about it later, okay?
473
00:22:08,245 --> 00:22:10,615
Yeah, you and me both, goat.
474
00:22:10,622 --> 00:22:12,082
You and me both.
475
00:22:23,051 --> 00:22:26,051
‐ Well, this has been lovely,
but I wanna go home.
476
00:22:26,054 --> 00:22:29,024
‐ You have no home.
‐ Oh yes, I do.
477
00:22:29,016 --> 00:22:31,556
You're so negative.
Just like your older self.
478
00:22:31,560 --> 00:22:33,270
‐ The family doesn't appreciate you.
479
00:22:33,270 --> 00:22:35,560
‐ They're not that bad.
We rib each other.
480
00:22:35,564 --> 00:22:37,484
I mean, I don't rib them
as much as they rib me.
481
00:22:37,482 --> 00:22:39,692
I don't rib them at all actually.
482
00:22:39,693 --> 00:22:41,533
I do get my little barbs in
from time to time,
483
00:22:41,528 --> 00:22:44,068
it's not like I don't‐‐
‐ Shut up! I want to make you an offer.
484
00:22:44,072 --> 00:22:45,822
‐ Is it for betrayal? I accept.
485
00:22:45,824 --> 00:22:48,744
They don't love me. I have no home!
Is this where we live now?
486
00:22:48,744 --> 00:22:51,964
‐ Well, I was gonna offer you
what they never have:
487
00:22:51,955 --> 00:22:54,575
complete independence‐‐
‐ It's fine, it's done.
488
00:22:54,583 --> 00:22:56,793
What did you have in mind?
I say poison them.
489
00:22:56,793 --> 00:22:57,963
I know where their food is.
490
00:22:58,378 --> 00:23:00,088
It's in the house.
491
00:23:00,088 --> 00:23:04,128
‐ Oh, I have something much bigger
in store for them.
492
00:23:04,134 --> 00:23:06,684
Oh, you should put them in those coffins!
493
00:23:06,678 --> 00:23:09,968
They'll turn into bones!
This is going great!
38795
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