All language subtitles for 2. The Ambushers (1967)eng.srt

♪ They get you in the sun,
they get you in the shade

♪ They get you
sniffin' brandy

♪ Or when you're
sippin' lemonade

♪ They get you at the flicks

♪ Though the world
may call them chicks

♪ They strike, man-like

♪ Wham

♪ They're the Ambushers

♪ They get you
when you're high

♪ They get you
when you're short

♪ 'Cause gettin' you is just
their favorite indoor/outdoor sport

♪ They get you in a mink

♪ Off the deep and
in the drink

♪ Female, see male, wham

♪ They're the Ambushers

♪ Blonde and a brunette
lie in wait

♪ Like Injuns in the grass

♪ You're comin'
through the pass

♪ Then buster,
you're General Custer

♪ Ah, they get you
with the "hey"

♪ Hey!

♪ They get you in disguise

♪ They get you
with their lips

♪ Their hips and their smile,
their style, their eyes

♪ They get you
cheek to cheek

♪ Down the aisle
and up the creek

♪ End chase, next case, wham

♪ They're the Ambushers ♪

All controls are go.
All power is go.

Switch controls.
Prepare to launch.

Control to pilot.

Checklist complete
for test flight.

Stand by
for power.

Force field established.
It's all yours.

If this works,
the planets are next door

and the universe is
just around the corner.

Vince? Vince, what is it?

It's... It's jammed.

Uh, what happened?

Everything is jammed!

One of the main reasons
for this refresher course

is to keep you up to date
on the latest
methods and weapons.

This little gadget here
dissolves metal
electronically.

Easy to conceal,
extremely effective
in times of danger.

That's when
the danger usually starts.

I like my way better.

Now if you ladies
will follow me over here.

♪ Everybody falls
in love somehow

Lucky Linda!

Yes, imagine,
working on a field
problem with him.

♪ My sometime

♪ Is now ♪

How do you like that?

I didn't even get to
squeeze the trigger.

Oh, when you say you're a 38,
you ain't just kidding.

It's not a gun, Mr. Helm.

It's a new
weapon they gave me,

developed right
here in our lab.

And developed
pretty well, too.

Here, I'll show you.

If you'll turn around.

Are you aiming
or just being modest?

I'm sorry I tricked you,
Mr. Helm,
but may I point out...

You already did.

...that that's why
you're here,

to become familiar
with our latest equipment.

You're right.
An agent should always
keep abreast of the times.

You see, it's sewn
right into the stays.

A retractable gun barrel.
Fires on contact.

Hmm. Hey, that's some kind
of crazy holster.

Well, I guess the lesson's
over with for today.

Now, where were we?

Oh no, you don't.

Those things come in pairs.

That's him.

Really?

Matt Helm.

Don't shoot.

Help me! Help!

Whoa, honey.

He's trying
to kill me.

It's all right, Sheila.

Sheila?

Please.

Sheila Sommers?

Do you know her?

Yeah, we worked
an assignment together.

Don't you remember me,
Matt Helm?

Come along, Sheila.
Everything's all right.

Come along.

Attagirl.

She thinks every man
is trying to kill her.

When I knew her,
she'd kill them right back.

What's the story?

That's what
we'd like to know.

She stumbled
out of the jungle
a few weeks ago.

Beat up pretty bad.
In deep shock.

Can't remember anything.

She's going to be
here a long time.

Long-distance call
for you, Mr. Helm.

Hop aboard.

I go pretty fast.

Better find something
to hang on to.

Crazy.

When am I getting out of here?

You're not.

Come on, Mac.

I don't need
a refresher course.

Every girl here is built like
the Aberdeen Proving Grounds.

You're not there
for a refresher course.

Not anymore.

Matt, do you remember a girl
named Sheila Sommers?

Yeah, I just bumped into,
well, what's left of her.

What about her?

I don't want to
discuss it now.

Your secretary's on the way.

You'll find out
a few things from her.

You told Lovey?

Well, no, not exactly.

But, heh,
you'll get the message.

Mr. Helm, it's time
for your fencing lesson.

Hmm?

Fine, now it's
The Guns of Navarone.

Where are you from,
Bridgeport or someplace?

I'm from Paris.

And we French are using
more and more
girls in our work.

It opens up
a whole new area.

Yeah.

Tres bien, monsieur.

En garde.

Right, then maybe later on
we'll do a little fencing,
too, huh?

How are you feeling
underneath there?

Just fine.

You just look lovely.

Gil, we have
Sheila Sommers here.

You said you'd give
her an appointment.

Sommers? Sommers.

Yes, of course.

You're lucky we can
squeeze you in today.

She looks like
she was squeezed in

long before she
ever got here.

We want her to feel
like a beautiful
young woman again.

Have you tried prayer?

We've tried everything.

Oh, that's Matt Helm's
secretary.

What's her name?

Lovey Kravezit.

Lovey Kravezit?

What would you
call her?

Ok, Miss Kravezit,
you're cleared.

Thank you.

And thank you.

Would you like
powder or cream?

Surprise me.

I'm just a masseuse.

You surprised me.

Relax, you're all tensed up.

Mr. Helm,
I just this second got here.

Oh, am I
interrupting anything?

No, she's just a masseuse.

I think I've got
everything you want.

Yeah.

I brought your
electric toothbrush,

and I even
brought your mouthwash.

Oh, only 36% more cavities.

But you don't care.

Will there be
anything else?

No.

Yes. I'll meet you
in the steam room.

Relax, you're all tensed up.

Well?

Here?

We're alone.

I guess it... I guess it's
kind of romantic.

Haven't you got
a message for me?

You always said I did.

From MacDonald.

Oh, no.

No message?
Are you sure?

Well, there are messages
and there are messages.

That's the way
everything's been
going around here.

Haven't they taken
good care of you?

There's taking care
and there's taking care.

There must be something,
I mean,

some little something
that I can do for you.

Oh, poor Mr. Helm.

Ok, Matt, hold it right there.

I knew you'd get to it.

What is this?

Candid brassiere?

Now listen.

I'm all ears.

Stop whatever you're doing.

I can't hear a thing.

Sheila Sommers holds the key

to the most serious crisis
our country has ever faced.

Get close to her, Matt.

That's your assignment.

I want you on top of this
from morning to night.

I beg your pardon.

And furthermore, Matt,

don't let anybody
there know what you're up...

Hmm, so much
for his message.

Now, about your message.

Who's Sheila Sommers?

Hmm, that's what I say.

Mr. Helm, it's time
for your physical.

I'm way ahead of you.

Your attention, please.

As part of your
final examination,

here is today's problem.

Imagine that you are
a group of strangers

sharing a compartment
on a European train.

One of you is supposed to be
a secret agent

carrying a coded message
for a foreign power.

The assignment is to uncover
that secret agent

and obtain the coded message.

The lights will be
extinguished from time to time

to simulate passage
through several tunnels.

Good luck.

The man said to
uncover the secret agent.

Attention, please.

This concludes
today's exercise.

Please report to
your officer in charge

for further instruction.
Thank you.

Now we stop playing games,
Mr. Helm.

Oh, no, not again.

This is not an experimental
exercise, Mr. Helm.

This is a real gun
with real bullets.

The only things
loaded around here
are the girls.

What are your
orders regarding

the missing
experimental craft?

The what?

The so-called flying disc
your scientists
have developed.

Oh, my lips are sealed.

I will never divulge
that information.

Pretty good, huh? Can I go?

Mr. Helm, if you don't
answer the question,

I'll kill you.

That's what I call
really flunking.

Now you know why you're here.

To get killed.

Matt, have you ever
seen a flying saucer?

Is that your way of
offering me a drink?

We built one.

The first earth-built vehicle
to use electromagnetic force.

You're putting me on.

Somebody kidnapped it.

I don't blame them.

And Sheila
Sommers took it up and...

Wait a minute, wait a minute
you put a girl in that thing?

And for a damn good reason.

You had a boy pilot, too?

Sheila Sommers
is the best pilot
that ICE ever had.

But that's not
the main reason.

Ah, what's the difference why?

She came back without it.

What happened?

That's what you're
here to find out.

She can't remember.

We think you can
help her to remember.

Me?
Sure.

You and Sheila
worked an assignment
together once, remember?

As man and wife.

Yeah, newlyweds.

We were supposed to
be on our honeymoon.

What I don't do
for my country.

She won't let
a man come near her.

But that's never
stopped you before.

And maybe you can
find out what we can't.

But there's one thing
I would like to find out.

There's only one way
he could have gotten in here.

Now,
somebody on our side isn't.

No.

No.

Just something
to quiet you.

To help you to sleep.

Help!

It's locked.

Help!

They've heard
you do that before,
and it won't...

Help!

Just put you to sleep.

No!

Help, help!

Hello, Mac,
what are you doing here?

How do you do, Doctor?

I assume you've
met my husband.

1, 2...

It's a good fight.

3...

Here it comes.

♪ When the chili pot
is nice and hot
then drink some Montezuma

♪ It will dance
senor on to the floor
and shake senora's bloomer

♪ She'll call you a sport,
drink pint, drink quart

♪ It will warm
your solar plexus

♪ Be a real big man,
look for the can
that got the double-x's

♪ When the chili pot
is nice and hot
then drink some Montezuma ♪

That's it?

Yeah.

We did some digging around.

That's a pretty popular
jingle down in Mexico.

That won't do us
any good.

Sheila could have
heard it anytime.

Maybe not.

See how you like
it in this tempo.

The marching song of
a secret organization.

A bunch of fanatics
from all over europe.

Their leader was
a man named Caselius.

We thought they'd
gone out of business.

Now they're selling beer.

Who is this Mr. Montezuma?

He's a millionaire
named Quintana.

Lives in Acapulco.
His real name is Chibnik.

Ole!

As far as we know

he hasn't been doing
any fooling around down there,
you know, except with beer.

No fooling around?

You don't tell
me these two dames

were picked for
their singing.

Matt, how would you like
to take Mr. Quintana's
picture?

You know, do a big spread
on him and the brewery

for a top magazine.

I don't know.
Is the beer any good?

We've already set it up.

There are two tickets
on the 11:00
plane for Acapulco.

Two tickets?

Sheila's going with you.

No chance.

Matt, she thinks
you're her husband.

As long as she's with you,
she's all right.

And she can help.

Help?

The last thing I need
is a dame around me
who thinks she's my wife.

You know how I operate.

Matt, somewhere there's a man
who treated that
girl like an animal.

Some way, she's going to
see him again.

And when she does

we'll know
who's got what we want

and how we can get it back.

I'm not going to do it.

Yes, you are going to do it.

There's no other way.

Because wherever
that saucer is,

the only one who can
fly it out of there is Sheila.

Do you want to know why?

Before setting up
this last flight,

they ran
a series of lab tests
on a variety of animals.

They all came out the same.

The females lived,
the males died.

What were they doing?

Matt, don't you understand?

An electromagnetic field
has a very strange effect
on the male of the species,

it kills them, dead.

I now pronounce
me man and wife.

A second honeymoon
in Acapulco.

How did you
ever arrange it?

Oh, wasn't easy.

I just told Mac
right straight out.

I said I wanted to
do this magazine job
in Mexico.

And now,
no assignment for ICE
Till we get back.

Is the magazine
the only reason?

Not exactly.

I can't wait to get
you south of the border.

Mmm.

Hmm.

Ole!

Why don't you go unpack
and freshen up a bit, huh?

While I check the exposure
on this camera. Huh?

Buenos dias, senorita.

Buenas tardes, senor.

Oh, si, si...

Si, si...

A-ha.

Oh, manager.

That sweet thing down there,
what's her name?

Senor,
stay away from that one.

You don't want to have
nothing to do with her.

Why not? Who is she?

My wife.

Buenos dias, senor.

You, why, you miserable...

I have an appointment.
My name is Helm.

Senor Helm? Matt Helm?

Oh.

Senor Quintana's
expecting you.

I have a collection
of all of your photographs.

Oh, you're fantastic.

You seem to make
a girl look so...so beautiful

so...so exciting, so...so...

Would you like
to pose for me?

Oh, no.

Ah.

Who's gonna want a beer
with a head on it?

Ah, Mr. Helm, at last.

We also have
a brand called "Three 'x's."

Three?
Oh, that I gotta see.

My assistant, Mrs. Helm.

Delighted.
Hello.

That's a crazy six-pack.

It's quite an occasion.

We're rolling
our millionth
barrel of beer today.

Well, you're my kind of guy.

We're all going to celebrate.

I'm giving a large
party this afternoon.

You're both invited,
of course.

I'll have my car pick you up.

Oh, thank you.

Allow me
to show you around.

I know your work, Mr. Helm.

All those beautiful
girls you photograph, mmm...

Makes you want to...

Oh, I do. I did, I did!

Now then, these vats
is where the grain boils

at extraordinary temperatures.

All the grain vats.

This is our light beer.

Care for a taste?

Oh, I never touch the stuff,
except when I'm working.

I always say,
Montezuma is good
for what ails you.

Get it?

Oh, I got it.
It's clever.

I often make
humorous remarks.

You Latins are
a fun-loving people.

Here's another one,
an XXX. I'll try that.

Mmm.

Just like
Mother used to drink.

Mmm-hmm.

Matt, look.

Yeah, Sheila?

Hey, what do you put
in this beer?

Fantastic, isn't it?

It gives an average man
the strength of a giant.

He can handle
a 1,500-pound load.

I know the feeling.

It's controlled by
hydro-mechanical
servo valves.

Yeah.

I wonder what
that tastes like.

Here's a new one.

Matt, darling,
we do want to take
in all the brewery.

I'm doing the best I can.

These young ladies
help promote my beer
all over the world.

Hmm, they sure lift the steins
for dear old Montezuma.

The fashions are fabulous.

The famous creations
of Cassini.

Ole!

Oleg.

I never could
speak that language.

You might want
to include them
in your layout.

Oh, no, I'm a married man.

Oh, uh, enjoy yourselves.
Excuse me.

You sure you've
never met him before?

Of course not.

I don't know.

He...he looked at you
awful familiar.

Hmm, that's more
than you do.

You're not acting
very much like a bridegroom.

I'll take care of that later.

His name is Jose Ortega.

They say he's
a very interesting man.

What's he do?

What does any
interesting man do?

Uh, look for it
at your newsstand.

Oh, just a minute.

No "unidentified
blonde" business.

My name is
Francesca Madeiros.

Madeiros. Is that Greek?

Where are you from?

The bar.

The bar?
I've got relatives there.

No, I'm really from
the Hotel del Cortez.
Cottage F.

Oh, it must be beautiful there
this time of the year.

Ah, you should see it.

Uh-huh, that's what I like.
A girl with spirit.

You going to put
me in your magazine?

Right between the covers.

We're here, if you need us.

I got the wife with me.

En garde, mon cher.

Touche.

As an added feature,
this outfit has
been given a belt.

Hmm, I could
use a belt myself.

Somebody knows,
I tell you!

I'm more interested
in the girl.

Are you certain
she's the one?

Not completely.

That's why I wanted
you to see her.

Looks are
sometimes deceiving.

What about the husband?

His name is Helm,
a very well-known
photographer in America.

He specializes in girls.

He could be just another one.

I'll soon find out.

Senor Helm,
may I have that film, please?

Beg your pardon?

Uh, Senor Ortega does not
like his picture taken.

A small quirk.
It's the scar, I think.

I'm sure you understand.

No offence.

Uh, thank you, senor.

Ahem.

Send this message to Matt.

Is this what
you're looking for?

For everything you did to me.

Hey, baby.

Matt, can we leave now?

Ah, you honeymooners.
Heh, heh.

There's work
to be done.

He's right, honey.

The party's just
beginning to swing.

Have a drink.
Dance a while.

Later on, we can have
our interview.

Hmm.

Hi.

A little.

Who's your friend?

She invited me
to her homeland,
the Hotel del Cortez.

When you honeymoon.

The more, the merrier.

Ok, baby.

I don't think
I'm going to like
this next number.

Hey! Where's the funeral?

Come on, get with it.

Make them play. Let's go-go!

Oh, come on!

Quintana, they won't play.

That's it.

Come on, everybody,
let's see what's going on.

Everybody drink.

Everybody dance.

What?

Everybody swim.

Get back to the hotel
and wait for me.

Aren't you coming?

No, I don't want
to miss the action.

Sometimes these
things turn into brawls.

I don't want you here.
Now get going.

Matt.

You'll tell me later.
Now get going.

Come on.

Damn it.

Turn right on the next road.

I've got orders
to kill you, baby.

But maybe if
you're nice to me,

I'll let you live
a little longer.

You don't waste
any time, do you?

I just got here.

Oh, looks like you
started without me.

Home is everything
you said it was,

loaded with
points of interest.

What's on your mind?

I thought we'd enjoy
the Late Show together.

I don't have
a television set.

All the better.

I certainly enjoyed
your little dance tonight.

Oh, you should have stayed.
It got better.

I got carried away.

That's why I left.
I... I didn't want to be.

Why did Quintana
want to kill you?

Maybe he didn't
like his proofs.

What is it he knows
about you, baby, huh?

Could be what
I know about him.

I'd hoped you'd say that.

What?

His real name
is Chibnik.

Everyone knows that.

Now, look, darling.

Darling,

I did something for you,
you do something for me.

With pleasure.

No, no, that's not it.
Maybe later.

Right now, though...

Right now, what?

Where can I find
a man named Caselius?

The last time I saw him,
he was in a helicopter.

Ortega?

Everyone knows that.
Don't you?

You said he was
a rather interesting man.

Where are his headquarters?

You tell me.

It's going to be
like that, is it?

Don't you know?

If I did,
you wouldn't be here.

I get it.

That explains
the psychological warfare
in the elevator.

The old alma mater,
the double-x beer march.

That was to
break Quintana down
so he could run to Caselius

and you could follow him, huh?
Why?

Would you care for a drink?

No, I'm not too fond
of that there chloral hydrate.

Suit yourself.

All right, so much for that.

Now,

it is later.

That wasn't nice.

You can't blame
a girl for trying.

You knew he was in
there, didn't you?

Hmm, I could hear his hot
breath every time you moved.

Ah, I have that
effect on some people.

What's wrong?

I don't know.

You drugged me.

Just in case.

How did you do that?

Oh, do you like
my lipstick, darling?

It's a special brand.

There's a chemical
that penetrates the skin.

How about your skin?

I just drank the antidote.

Ah, that's right, baby.
Get angry, get angry.

That increases the heart beat
and speeds up the drug.

Speed it up all the way.

Where is Caselius?

Where is Caselius?

Caselius,

I don't... I don't know, oh.

The girl, what?

What girl?

Francesca.

Francesca.

What about her?

Beautiful, beautiful. Oh.

What a broad...

I'd like to...

She likes you, too, baby.
She likes you a lot.

Hmm.

You want to make it with her?

Oh.

You just tell her
what she wants to hear.

Beautiful.

That is not bad,
but you can do even better.

She's built like a...

That's not what
she wants to hear.

Tell her where is Caselius.

I'll kill him. I'll kill him.

I want to kill him, too,
but I have to find him first.

So tell me where he is.

Guadalajara?

Tecate?

Mexico City?
Am I getting warm?

Oh, very warm. Very warm.

Hold it right there.

Where?

Get him out of it, fast.

I can bring him to,
if that's what you mean.

That's what I mean.

Francesca.

Francesca, phew.

What a girl.

How'd you find me?

I remembered
about her homeland.

To think some guys complain
about jealous wives.

Were you watching
for a long time?

A long time.

Did I have fun?

Wow.

That's "Wow"?

Oh, I do vaguely
remember one thing.

Yes?

I seem to recall
you saying something

about getting rid of
Caselius yourself. True?

Why?

A certain country
is undergoing
some political unrest

thanks to Mr. Caselius.

My orders are simple,

to put the country to rest,
put Caselius to rest.

Now, who are you?

Well, let's say we're both
after the same man.

Yeah.

Tough enough to get him
without fighting each other.

Unless, of course,
we work together.

Partners?

Partners.

Once we know
where Caselius is

I have some forged papers
that will get us in to him.

We'll all take
turns watching Quintana.

The first watch
will be in the morning.

And chuckles can
handle that one.

You don't trust her, do you?

I don't trust any woman.

You can drop the act now.

Come on.

I was going to, anyway.

I checked us
out of the motel.

By now Quintana's men
must be in the beds,

under the beds,
and in the closets.

When did you snap out of it?

You know that day
on the funny farm,

when that nurse
tried to kill me?

When you walked in that door,
everything came back.

You sure fooled
a lot of people.

That was the idea,
Dr. Watson.

You know how
Mac's mind works.

Never in a straight line.

I had to convince him that
I was 100% normal
only if I were with you.

Then he'd have
to send me back,
and I had to come back.

Why?

To kill Caselius.

I tried tonight, with blanks.

That's the lousy
kind of agent I am.

Um, oh, no. You
played your own hand.

For you, not us.

You jumped a gun.

Took a chance
of blowing the whole deal.

That's the kind
of a lousy agent you are.

Now that I've said that,
and knowing what
I do about Caselius,

too bad you missed.

Don't answer it.
It's Quintana

trying to find
out how dead I am.

What do you mean?

The next time you
send me off by myself,
look in the back seat.

Where are we going?

What are we
stopping here for?

Ah, Quintana's a big man.

Every motel in Acapulco
has our description by now.

We'll spend the night
at the outdoor hilton.

Baby, it's cold outside.

Maybe he's got some
blankets in the trunk.

Ah, there we are.

I wonder what that is.

Look out.

Instant motel.

Come on, step right in.

Are you ready for this?

Well, now that we're
no longer man and wife,

I'll sleep on the other side.

If that bed tilts up
and I fall in the pool,
I'm leaving.

Matt.

Yeah.

Do you have a plan?

Yeah.

What is it?

Oh, I'm going to say
it's getting a little
chilly and I think that

we should cuddle up
together for warmth.

Good plan. It might work.

Hmm.

Now that I am the old Sheila.

You can depend on me.
I won't disappoint you.

You didn't.

I love my wife,
but, oh, you, Sheila.

Senor,
I think a double-cross.

Um, I'm going in.
You stay here.

Matt, I'm scared.

All right, I'll stay
here. You go in.

Now I know we're partners.

We're trying to
kill each other.

Ah, saved.

Help! Help!

I'm drowning. I'm drowning.

I can't swim.

Drink yourself to the bottom.

That madman, Karl,
he pushed me in here.

And you told him
where to find Caselius?

I don't know what
you're talking about.

Ok.

Please.

Uh, ugh.

Help me.

What's happening?

The settling vats,
part of
the fermentation process.

There are iron rollers.

We'll be killed.

Why? It doesn't
hurt the beer.

Don't let me go.

Come on.

Where's Caselius, eh?

I don't know.
I don't know.

Caselius.

He's in the jungle.

Where?

Copala Valley.

Help me! Uh.

Ah.

You can still make a spare.

A little on
the Brooklyn side.

Oh.

Ole.

Copala Valley is
about 100 miles from here,
according to this map

and a torture
test all the way.

Good. Good. Good.
Good. Good. Good.

I just hope that ape-man
was able to contact the lady

and tell her where
to find Caselius.

You hope what?

Oh, we can use her.

She has documents
that can get her
into Caselius' hideout.

You can't trust her.

Maybe not, but her gorilla
tried to kill Quintana.

So she's not on
their side, either.

We'll never catch her.
She's got too much
of a head start.

We'll catch her.
You know, when I called her up
this morning...

Just to touch base...

She asked how
the roads were around here

and if she needed
a jeep or something.

I said the roads
were all good

and that her car
would do just fine.

So just about now

she should be calling me
all kinds of a dirty...

No-good lying rat.

Well, howdy, pardner.
Funny place for a pit stop.

Well, if it isn't the man
from the auto club.

You were right, Mister.
I didn't need a jeep.

I needed a tank.

I've been called
that before, too.

Now why don't you hop in?
I'll give you a lift.

Why?

Because you're a fun girl.

Yeah. You're back
on the team.

Partners again?
I'm surprised you trust me.

Well, you need us as
much as we need you,

and you've got
the papers to get in there.

That's right.
So why do I need you?

To get out.
Now get in.

This must be the place.

Ok, Big John,
what's the caper?

Yeah, remember
those pictures?

C'mon, let's stash
these in the bushes, eh?

You're taking over,
you know.

You get to Caselius,
show him your papers.

Maybe he'll go for it,
maybe he won't.

But tell him
somebody's following you.

I want him to
be ready for me.

Ready for you?

Mmm, I want to walk
right into his hands.

But, Matt.

That'll prove you're
really one of them.

And once he's sure
that he can trust you,
he'll relax.

And the way I figure,
he likes to relax.

Here, turn around.

Ah.

That'll help.

Would you like me to leave?

Muss your hair up,
smear some dirt on your face.

And then what?

We'll play it by ear.

Huh, it's the last place
I would have suspected.

I've taken a lot
from you, little girl.

Maybe we shouldn't
see each other anymore.

Oh. That's the spirit.
That's fine. Good. here.

Oh, that's heavy.
What is it?

A new kind of weapon?

Just put it in your purse.
Chances are they
won't search you.

How do I use it?

You don't.
That's my department.

You'd better get started.

How do I find our friend?

Just drive
towards those mountains.

He'll find you.

And good luck, baby.
You can do it.

Oh, she will.

What about a good-luck kiss?

Why not?
I'm superstitious, myself.

Don't say it.
You may hate her guts,
but she's a pro.

Whatever she's pro,
I'm anti.

Come on, auntie.

What is it?

I thought I heard something.

A taxi.

Taxi.

Hmm.

She ought to be there by now.

Ah, yeah. There's the jeep.

I don't see the saucer.

Patience, auntie. Patience.

Yeah.

If there's something
hidden down there,
we'll get a shot of it.

What's that?

It's a heat camera, infrared.

Well, look what's
going on in the woods.

There's a hell
of a big truck,
there's some motorcycles

and there's baby.
The man-killer.

Of course, they wouldn't
keep it out in the open.

That must what
the tracks are for,

to bring it to the launch site
when it's ready.

Listen, I'm going in at dawn.

You give me a few minutes,
then head towards the saucer.

'Cause I gotta find that
controlling device
and put it out of action.

Now when Caselius hits
the fan, there's gonna be
a lot of gunfire.

The minute you
hear it, you fly.

I fly, what do you do?

I'll find something.

We have a long
wait ahead of us,
so let's get comfortable. Hmm?

How comfortable?

It's broad daylight.

What's the matter
with a broad in daylight?

Hmm.

Suspenders and a belt?

Yeah, I have trouble
keeping my pants up.

Special brand.

Contains a magic
ingredient, happy gas.

It makes you rather
switch than fight.

Here we go.

Matt.
Um.

Oh, don't tell me
you're going to
say, "Be careful"?

I wouldn't dream of it.

Be careful.

Ah, Mr. Helm,
I've been expecting you.

Nothing like roughing it.

Oh, it can get rough,
Mr. Helm.

Very rough, indeed.

Hey, you left something.

Show them in.

Gen. Caselius,
may you walk in prosperity.

The girl is Helm's partner.

I found her
nearby with this gun.

She has a great
love for firearms.

We're old friends,
aren't we, my dear?

I owe you a debt
of gratitude, senor.

Nassim.
Nassim.

A letter of introduction
from my organization.

As you can see,
I'm empowered to
offer you a large sum

for a certain
aircraft in your possession.

How did you find me?

The light of
the gracious moon
illumined my path.

Also, I followed Mr. Helm.

May a thousand
tigers break every bone
in your body.

It is a very generous offer.

Mexican cigarettes, Mr. Helm?

I couldn't find my own brand.

As a matter of fact,
I wouldn't mind an American
cigarette right now.

Anybody have one?

Sorry.

Is this what
you're looking for?

You made a Picasso out of it.

And you made
something else out of me.

I did the best I could.

You see, the lady represents

a rather
well-known organization.

Maybe you have heard of it.

The Bureau for
International Government
and Order.

BIGO.

Big O?

Bingo.

She has made
a rather interesting offer
for the saucer, herself.

Then we shall be bidding
against each other.

I'm afraid not.

I threw in a little sweetener
I don't think you can match.

I'm sorry to
disappoint the both of you.

The bidding is over.

Just this morning,
I concluded an arrangement

with an oriental gentleman
whose name I cannot pronounce,

for a rather large sum,
which, happily,
I can pronounce.

$100 million American

due on delivery of the saucer
this very night.

There it is.

Lovely, graceful,
soaring bird.

Who would have ever dreamt

that the first
man on the moon
would be eating chow mein?

And if there's two of them,
they can have

their choice of
egg roll or won ton.

Come, before we go
our several ways.

A little celebration.

What I always wanted,
a magic bartender.

Hmm, the old Indian
booze trick.

Cheers, 100 million of them.

Skol.

Sure it's cold,
it's got ice in it.

Ah.

And now I must make
certain preparations.

Guard.

Francesca, Nassim,
you will be shown

to my guest quarters
where you may freshen up.

And you, my dear,
you will remain with me.

And you, my friend...

You're going to
say something rude.

The traditional
fate of the spy,
the firing squad.

Oh, that's class.

Be brave, partner.

Oh, don't worry.

The cavalry will come
in the nick of time.
It always does.

Remember those pictures?

My general!
My general!

See?

I came to warn you,
that man Helm is on his...

Hi, gang.

He's on his way
to be executed.

I assumed it was
you who told him
where he could find me.

I had to. He would have
let me drown.

You swine!

Good.

I like your attitude.
I put you in charge
of the firing squad.

Yes, my general.

Get down below.
Have them report at once.

Yes, my general.

And no mistakes!

No mistakes. Move!

Yes.

May good fortune
smile upon you.

May your steps be
bathed in sunshine.

May I have a bottle
of this excellent scotch?

Oh, snap out of it, honey.
You're a mess. Come.

Fix yourself
a little bit. Hmm?

You don't mind a little
lipstick on you,
do you, tootsie?

A general must
endure many things.

So,

and now a little
drink so you can relax.

Here you can finish mine.

We don't want you passing out
at the wrong time, do we?

There, don't you feel
a little better now?

Well, I'll just run along
and leave you two young things

to spoon in the parlor.

An excellent whiskey.

Have a drink, my friend.

You like that?

Wait. You want to see more?

Turn around.

Now you can look.

Thank you.

I knew you would
know how to open it,
the top pilot for BIGO

Don't be foolish,
man, you can't do that!

You'll...you'll be killed!

Come on, guys,
don't tell me in
this day and age

of atom bombs,
flying saucers,
and secret weapons

you're going to stand me in
front of a firing squad.

I think you're
putting me on, right?

Silence!

I believe the expression is,
"Silence, Yankee dog" huh?

"Yankee pig"?

No blindfold?

No blindfold.

Don't I get a last request?

No.

You sure got a lot to learn
about firing squads.

How about a cigarette?

No.

Come on,
just one little cigarette.

Cigarettes are
not good for you.

It's part of the tradition.
I'm a dying man.

I'm entitled to one cigarette,
any cigarette.

A Mexican cigarette.

I haven't any.

He does.

I'll remember you
from the great beyond.

Somewhere around
steubenville, I hope.

No matches.

Tienen cerillos? Matches?

No.

No.

No matches.

Now, don't tell me...

I got a match.

God bless you, sir.

It is my last one.

You're nervous, huh?

You're right.

Thank you.
Don't mention it.

Get ready to shoot him.

At once, sir.

Hurry up!

I'm doing the best I can.

Listos.
Preparen.

That means "ready."

Apunten.

That means...

I know. I know. I know.

F-f-f-f...

That is pretty funny,
isn't it, huh?

Yes, senor.

Having a good time?

Yes.

I'd better save some of this
for the rest of the guys, huh?

Go ahead, you tell them
they don't want
to shoot anybody, huh?

You're doing
a good job, a fine job.

Oh, I'd better stop.
I'll get smashed, myself.

I'll blow
everything, you know,

Sheila, Caselius,
and the saucer. Everything.

Oh, your gun, please.
Can I borrow your gun?

Here, take mine.

You're the best
friend a fellow ever had.

Why don't you lie down
and sleep this
thing off, gang?

Here, lie down.

Buenas noches.

That means "good night."

Shh.

Don't make so much noise.

Uh.

Do not be alarmed
if you hear anything unusual.

Keep your eyes
straight ahead.

Do not investigate.

Now, my dear Sheila.

I'm going to ask
you a few questions

about the organization
that you work for.

If you answer them correctly,
no harm will come to you.

If you don't,

you remember the experiments
we conducted the last time
you were here?

Good.

And now,

to lend a little spice.

Ok, big boy,
what are you waiting for?

You...

Drugged me.

The hard way.

My general!
My general!

Helm has escaped!

What?

I'll have you
killed for this!

I know that.

Never mind.

The girl is on
her way to the ship.

Get in there,
lock the controls!

Yes, my general.

The controlling device.

The iron lady is in
control of the ship.

You have no chance.

Now, where were we, my dear?

Release. Release.

Or we explode.

All right,

let's play chicken.

Oh, that's better.

Oh, yes, much better.

You're here about money...

Don't struggle.
I can be very nice to you.

Very nice.

Why don't you let me
hold you in my arms?

Isn't that what you wanted?

Oh.

She'll never get away now.

Welcome aboard.

I'll pick you up
on the way back.

Let Helm put you in
the driver's seat.

I think we got it made.

Matt, you've had
a great deal of success
around here

instructing
the girl recruits.

But we're bringing in
a new agent

and I'd like you
to teach this new agent
a few tricks.

A new agent, huh?
Blonde or redhead?

Uh, brunette. Right in there.

Why not?

You're the brunette?

I was. Blondes have more fun.

We'll soon find out.

You know,

there'll be times
when you'll find yourself
in a romantic situation

with an enemy agent.

Uh, you've got to
just let yourself go,

you know,
be soft and yielding.

A little champagne.

I don't drink.

A little love.

I don't drink.

Well, soft lights and music.

Oh, especially music,
that'll do it every time.

Uh, just relax. And now
you pay close attention.

You can count on me, sir.

♪ Everybody loves somebody

♪ Sometimes

Mmm, nice voice.

♪ Everybody falls in love
somehow

I'm sorry, Mr. Helm.

I guess I'm just
not in the mood.

♪ Something in your kiss ♪

♪ Strangers in the night

♪ Exchanging glances

Oh, kiss me.

Hmm?

♪ What were the chances

Do you really like
Perry Como that much?

♪ Before the night
was through ♪