All language subtitles for Milkwater.2021.720p.WEBRip.800MB.x264-GalaxyRG

Provided by explosiveskull
https://twitter.com/kaboomskull

♪ Now I don't normally like
gettin' up in the mornin' ♪

♪ But old Mr. Sun
is shinin' down on me ♪

♪ So you chipped your nail,
you stubbed your toe ♪

♪ You lost your phone,
life's a rollin' stone ♪

♪ On a broken roller coaster ♪

♪ Okay ♪

♪ Scream shit, move on ♪

♪ Throw your hands up, move on ♪

♪ It's all good,
today's your day ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Time to fill it
with swift transition ♪

♪ Put yourself
in good position ♪

♪ If you want
things can go your way ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Ain't no time
to smell the roses ♪

♪ Gotta get to
where the gold is

♪ The road's
already been paved ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Here I go ♪

♪ Ready now ♪

♪ I'm comin' for you ♪

♪ Can't nothin' stop me ♪

♪ I got some things ♪

♪ I gotta do ♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey, yeah ♪

♪ I'm makin' a move ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Study long, study wrong ♪

♪ Ain't nothin' gonna happen
on a song ♪

♪ I'm makin' a move ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Don't need no hickeys
for this song ♪

♪ I got joy
all through my soul ♪

♪ I'm makin' a move ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Get up, get out ♪

♪ Mr. Sun is shinin' on me ♪

♪ I see you ♪

♪ I'm makin' a move ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Got my lucky charms ♪

♪ Time to move along, yeah ♪

♪ I'm making a move ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Nah, nah, nah, nah,
nah, nah, nah, nah... ♪

You having fun?

Yeah.

Yes, yes, they're great.

It's they're just... it's a lot,
you know?

What about you?

- Are you having fun?
- Yeah.

Don't tell her,

but I'm actually kind of glad
KJ put this together.

Yea, I know you're like
the little lesbian child bride

of Damascus.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

Excuse me.

In this country, we don't drink
when we are pregnant.

Uh, mm, mm.

Okay, um, she says she's
actually sacrificing this one,

so it doesn't matter.

Thank you for your concern.

Noor.

Come.

Ooh!

You're uh,
you're being beckoned back

to the daughters
of Isabella over there.

- Okay, you coming back over?
- Yes.

Yes, I just need a break
from Joshlyn's mom.

It's actually Ashlyn and Jayden.

Oh my God.

Okay.

Uh.

- Ew, George.
- Hey.

Why are you wearing
this sweatshirt?

Ashton gave it to me.

We're writing little messages
on the diapers,

so the baby feels supported...

Ah!

When it shits or something.

I wrote the littlest feet
leave the biggest footprints

in our hearts.

- Oh.
- Oh, wow.

- Oh.
- It's cute.

Thank you.

I found it online.

Wait, who's Jeff Lanskey?

That's amazing.

It's just um,
just an inside joke

from middle school.

Oh, he was this um,
kid who was obsessed

with Captain Underpants
in seventh grade

and he wore a diaper
over his pants,

but then the teachers
made him stop,

because he was
getting made fun of,

but it was still
like really clear

he was wearing a diaper
under his pants.

And Noor used to call him
"petty officer underpants",

because he wasn't
high-ranking enough.

That is true.

Wow, that's amazin.

Now it's like I'm in the joke.

And I got suspended for that,

but Milo hooked up
with our chem teacher

the night after
high school graduation

and that was all good.

Yeah, girl,
Mr. Rashkoff was fine as hell.

Oh.

He was such a hot commodity,
he had to hook up with her.

- Ooh.
- Oh.

Well, okay uh,
tell us how you really feel.

Not you, I just...

I mean like there's a reason
why certain men

can't get people over the age
of 18 to fuck them, right?

Yes!

Okay,
I think I'm gonna head out.

Yeah?

Yeah.

- Seriously?
- Yes.

I was just kidding.

No, I know.

I'm just tired I wanna go home.

You know what you need?

Neutrofirm.

Sorry?

Neutrofirm, it's this amazing

multi-level
marketing lifestyle brand

that can actually give you
like so much energy.

My college roommate,
her brother committed suicide.

I know, so sad.

And I swear to God,
it stopped her

from getting
like depressed or whatever.

It's great for her skin.

Pool!

That sucked.

Are we assholes
for leaving early?

I was getting pretty tapped out
of pin the fetus on the uterus.

I know.

I always feel so aggressively
like single and young

when I'm with Noor's
college friends.

I'm not like single and young
you know, like ugh,

oldest cousin sitting at
the kids' table

of Thanksgiving single
and young.

Milo, I have full confidence
you'll find some man

to intellectually intimidate
and emotionally torture

until you can buy a brownstone,
get divorced,

and live happily ever after.

Ooh, is that truly
so much to ask of me?

Um, sorry.

Could you uh, watch my stuff?

I have to make a phone call.

Yeah, sure.

Shit, fuck.

What?

No, this Tinder boy
I've been standing

for finally texted me back
to hang out.

It's like 11:00, dude.

Yeah, I mean
I don't think he's tryin'

to catch
the New York Philharmonic.

Are you gonna go meet him?

No, I mean I don't...
I don't have to.

♪ Do you see my eyes,
can you feel my heat ♪

Go.

It's fine.

Really?

Yeah.

I mean I've
already lost one best friend

to her parasitic wife.

What's another to anonymous sex?

Oh my God, George,
do you mean like right now?

Sorry, he's just
right around the corner.

- I can wait, though.
- No, it's fine.

Honestly,
I'm just gonna head home

if this guy ever comes back
for his stuff.

Oh my God, what if this is
like one of those subway ads?

Si ves algo, di algo.

- I love you.
- Love you, have fun!

Be safe, huh.

Interesting.

No.

No, no, no, no.

Totally my fault.

Yeah, I just uh...

No, I just...
I'll know for next time.

Yeah.

So what if we uh, uh, Andy?

Hello?

Some um,
masked vigilantes came in

and tried to steal your stuff,

but I beat them off
with the pool cue,

so you're welcome.

What?

♪ Have me ♪

Oh.

Uh, uh, thank you.

♪ And if you want it,
you can have me ♪

Oh, sorry.

You're young.

Can I ask you something?

Yeah, sure, go for it.

So uh, my bar manager

downloaded this dating app
for me.

Oh no, friends don't let friends
swipe right for them.

Right,
just when I swore I'd die alone.

Anyway, I thought it was
really clicking with this guy

and we're supposed
to have our first date tonight,

he just totally blew me off.

Huh, can I see your messages?

Okay, okay, okay, flirty good.

Yeah, no, he never confirmed.

- He totally did.
- Mm-mm, where?

"Can I take you out to dinner?"
I said.

He said, "I don't know.

Can you?"

I said, "Ha-ha.

How about drinks
and a late movie?"

He says, "I've seen a lot
of what's out there right now,

but maybe drinks."

And I go, "Okay,
let's start at Phoenix,

10:00 p.m., Thursday

and see where the night
takes us."

Yeah, and he responded?

Oh.

I'm... come on, that's so rude!

He's a grown adult
on a dating app.

He can't have the decency
to at least lie to me?

Oh, fine.

I'll just be single
till I'm dead.

What about after you're dead?

Freddie Mercury
is waiting for me in heaven.

Okay,
I have a confession for you

and it is that I am
like really bad at sports,

but kind of one of those people
who's like weirdly a savant

the first time
they play a sport.

Like I bowled at 250

the first time I went bowling
in the seventh grade

and then that never
happened again.

So this isn't the first time
you play darts.

Exactly.

So why are you here instead of

at your friend's baby shower?

So the last time I hung out
with her sorority friends,

I like convinced one of them

that if you don't eat gluten
when you're pregnant,

then your baby definitely
won't come out gay,

and I actually sat there,
and watched her grapple

with the moral implications
of that for like three hours.

I just feel like, "Ugh."

When I spend too much time
with them,

I end up like feeling

like maybe I'm the one
who's missing out on something

and then that just
makes me feel even crazier.

I... they all just seem
like very content, you know?

I've read some
crazy percentage of people

who haven't had
a serious relationship

by the time they're 30,
never have one.

Wow.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

I feel like my eggs
just like dunkirked

right up into my body.

When I was in my 20s,

I at least asked people

what side of the bed
they prefer to sleep on,

but now?

There is no fuckin' way

I'm sleepin'
on the right side of the bed.

Well, there goes the whole

left-side-of-the-bed
contingency.

So what do you do do
when you're not very busy

being stood up by flaky men?

Ever been to Thigh High?

Yes, the gay bar?

That's my bar.

No way.

Yeah, and I actually perform
in our show

every other Thursday night.

Okay, my roommate George
got kicked out of that bar

when we were freshman
in college.

Send him
my personal condolences.

He ordered whatever whiskey
you had on draft

and then he stole

your cardboard cutout
of George Takei,

so I don't think
he holds it against you.

I wondered where that went.

Oh, well, he's very well
taking care of it, don't worry.

So what about you?

You single?

Uh, are you asking for yourself
or for a friend?

Yeah, almost always.

I'm really looking forward
to being an eccentric aunt.

What about you?

Any um...

Ex-husbands
or like illegitimate children

floating around out there?

No.

Single gay man, early 50s,

it doesn't paint a particularly
competitive picture

at adoption agencies.

I feel like um,
I actually read this article

about adoption agencies
that cater specifically

to gay men.

Yeah.

I've lost three kids.

Two adoptions fell through
and one surrogacy didn't take.

I'm really sorry.

That... it sucks.

Pfft.

Sorry to get so heavy on you.

No, it's okay.

Honestly, in my opinion,
it is like...

It is like not a New York moment

unless you talk
about your fetish

or your dead parents.

You're done trying?

I don't know.

I don't think I can
go through it again emotionally.

Hmm.

It makes it easier to just think

it wasn't in the cards
sometimes.

How does someone even
become a surrogate?

Oh.

Uh, you go through an agency,
but often it's a friend,

sibling, charismatic drifter.

Why?

Are you in the market
for some 52-year-old sperm

or something?

You asking?

What?

No, I'm just uh, I wasn't tryin'
to imply that at all.

I'm sorry, I'm drunk.

I'm just... I was not tryin'
to be leading in any way.

It's fine.

Honestly, dude,
I didn't think you were.

It's fine, don't worry.

♪ Every girl falls in love
sooner or later ♪

Oh man, wait, I... oh, shit.

Oh my God, I still know that.

The dance I had to learn
to this song

in like sixth grade
at summer camp,

I swear to God,
I know the whole fucking thing.

Oh, I'm gonna stay out here
and finish this.

No, you're coming with me.

Honestly, I'm sorry,
if you wanna be a dad,

you've gotta get down
with these cheesy dad downs.

Whoops, get your butt in here.

Get in here.

♪ All the teens cry and scream ♪

♪ And doing all the things
I can't understand ♪

I couldn't do
that when I had a hip.

♪ Oh, oh, oh, again ♪

Sorry.

I'm sorry, sorry, sorry.

Welcome to String Theory.

We sell guitars, mandolins,
and free key triggers

we keep in the back.

- Keep in the back.
- Sorry, I'm late.

The train
was literally crawling.

It's broken,
but we can still sell it,

'cause it's in the package.

- One could say...
- Yeah.

It's not broken, it's vintage.

- Running.
- Hmm.

Oh my God, the amount of effort
you all put

into doing absolutely nothing
is fucking astounding.

- Hmm.
- Good morning, Milo.

- Oh.
- Hi.

Good day.

Somebody woke up
on the wrong ear of the dingo.

- Again.
- Hmm.

Okay, that is not a real idiom.

I don't believe
anything you say anymore.

How do you know?

You're not a real idiom,
so who is to judge?

Yeah, who... yeah.

She should love us more.

- Oh!
- What do you think?

I'll do it again.

Hey.

Jesus.

- Sorry.
- Sorry.

No, it's okay.

Um, wow, you caught me um,
fondling the merchandise.

Is that a Taylor?

Yes, I am pretty sure
it's the love of my life.

Hmm, I'm more of a Cushing man.

Get out.

Get out before I kill you.

I'm open to conversion.

Why do you like the Taylor
so much?

Oh, um, I don't know.

I think their lower mids
are richer,

the action on the hands
tends to be a little easier

than the Cushing, too.

I like a guitar

that makes you work
for it a little bit.

A lot of instruments
sound beautiful,

but there's nothin'
like finding one

that plays right just for you,

somethin' no one else can seem
to figure out the same way.

You're right, though.

This Taylor is pretty sweet.

Uh, so are you lookin'
for anything in particular?

I'll try to be impartial.

Yeah,
just a decent starter guitar.

It's a gift.

200 area.

Um, yeah, we have a Yamaha
that's pretty nice

and this um, Johnson...

Hmm.

Actually plays really,
really nice...

- Yeah.
- For that price range.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, this is dope.

♪ Got off the train ♪

♪ And walked into town ♪

♪ I was 97 minutes late ♪

♪ Because
the fuckin' L was down ♪

So do you play in a band?

No!

No, no, no, I just play for fun.

It's funny when people say that.

I feel like all playing
should be fun.

Yeah, but that is exactly
why I stopped playing in a band.

So what are
your musical aspirations?

Um, I'd like to play
an open mic night or two,

but I just feel
like living in New York,

you need an insane level
of talent just to do that, so...

What's stopping you
from getting better?

I don't know.

Jesus, did my therapist
send you here on recon?

I mean
if you don't have confidence

in your ability to succeed,

how's anyone else
gonna lend you credibility?

Well, I gotta get to a lesson,
but uh,

I'll probably hit you up later.

Uh, if... do you have
a business card or something?

I could make sure
you get the commission

if I come back.

Yeah.

Milo.

- Cameron.
- Nice to meet you.

You think you'll be back?

I hope so.

I'm not sure
if a guitar is too much

for a one-year anniversary gift.

Oh.

No.

No, no, I think it's sweet.

I'd be... I'd be into it.

Finally workin' that sales line.

Oh, come on, I am always working
on sales, I know.

Always.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Hmm.

♪ Mm, mm, mm, mm ♪

Do you want a drink?

Uh, no.

I'm good,
I'm waiting for a friend.

♪ Mm, mm, mm, mm ♪

♪ Find me a place ♪

♪ Mm, mm, mm, mm ♪

♪ On the West Coast ♪

♪ Where everything ♪

♪ Mm, mm, mm, mm ♪

♪ Is yellow ♪

Yeah, I'll...
maybe I...

♪ I'm so tired ♪

♪ Mm, mm, mm, mm ♪

Yeah.

♪ Of feelin' the blue ♪

♪ I'm so tired ♪

♪ Mm, mm, mm, mm ♪

♪ Of feelin' the blue ♪

Hey.

Honey, I am so, so sorry.

Uh, where... where are you?

I'm at home, I just woke up.

What? Noor, it's like 8:30.

Yeah, I was puking all night,

so I finally took a nap
and just way overslept.

I know I suck.

No.

No, no, no, it's okay.

I can chill here.

Um, how long do you think
it'll take you to get ready?

I'm so sorry, Mi,

I think I should
probably just call it a night.

Ugh, are you sure?

Listen, I can come to you,

we can have a really unfun night
together.

Let's find a time next week.

Okay.

I love you.

I know I'm the worst right now.

Yeah, okay, bye.

♪ You seem so free ♪

♪ Free ♪

♪ You seem so free ♪

♪ Feelin' my way ♪

♪ Through the dark ♪

♪ I've just gotta move on ♪

♪ Gotta make a new start ♪

♪ New start ♪

♪ You're not my love ♪

♪ You're not my friend ♪

♪ You are a skeleton ♪

♪ Feelin' my way ♪

♪ Through the dark ♪

♪ I've just gotta move on ♪

Hey um, can I have
a Moscow mule, please?

Sorry, honey,
we don't make those.

Oh, okay.

Oh, what about an old-fashioned.

We have PBR, picklebacks,
and sunset surprise.

Ooh, what's a sunset surprise?

It's a surprise
that looks like a sunset.

♪ Every little bird
in the tall oak tree ♪

♪ The wise old owl,
the big black crow ♪

♪ Flappin' their wings,
singin', go, bird, go ♪

♪ Rockin' robin ♪

♪ Tweet, tweet, tweet ♪

♪ Rock... rock... rockin' robin ♪

♪ Tweet, tweedle-lee-dee ♪

♪ Blow rockin' robin ♪

♪ 'Cause we're
really gonna rock tonight ♪

♪ Tweet, tweedle-lee-dee ♪

♪ Tweedle-lee-dee-dee-dee,
tweedle-lee-dee-dee ♪

♪ Tweedle-lee-dee-dee-dee,
tweedle-lee-dee-dee ♪

♪ Tweet, tweet ♪

Well, alright!

Give it for Noxzema!

She is one of our
newest Thigh High ladies.

I mean it must be really hard
starting out and stuff

when you're so young,

which is not in any case
an issue for this next bitch.

She puts the yesteryear
in boostier.

Give it up for Angela Merkin.

♪ Somebody said
you got a new friend ♪

♪ Does she love you
better than I can ♪

♪ It's a big black sky
over my town ♪

♪ I know where you at,
I bet she's around ♪

♪ Yeah, I know it's stupid ♪

♪ I just gotta see it
for myself ♪

♪ I'm in the corner ♪

♪ Watching you kiss her ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ I'm right over here ♪

♪ Why can't you see me ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ I'm giving it my all ♪

♪ But I'm not the girl
you're takin' home ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ I keep dancin' on my own ♪

♪ I keep dancin' on my own ♪

♪ I'm just
gonna dance all night ♪

♪ I'm all messed up,
I'm so outta line ♪

Yeah, never have I ever
given a rim job.

Low blow.

Drink.

Drink again for bad puns.

Ooh-uh.

Okay, never have I ever shown up
at a stranger's drag show.

Hmm?

Would we call me a "stranger"?

Oh, I forgot about
all those fun Thanksgivings

we spent together.

Don't you just hate how Aunt Pam
is always tryin'

to get you to join Amway.

I feel like once you talk
about having a baby

with a stranger,

you're acquaintances
at the very least.

Like yeah,
as the old Irish saying goes...

I am so embarrassed.

Did I say something stupid?

I just... I keep thinking
about it and cringing.

Why?

Because I was so drunk.

I don't want some random girl
thinking I was tryin'

to solicit her
into some arrangement.

Um, you know I have
kind of been considering it.

considering what?

Well, I do declare,
Mr. Anglo American,

I'm but a spinsterly old maid
who has yet

to use these plentiful hips
for a single babe.

Are you serious?

Yeah.

Yeah, I mean yes.

I wouldn't...

I wouldn't bring it up
if I wasn't.

Milo, we hardly know each other.

Well, you know me better
than some stranger

from an agency.

Yeah, I... uh...

And I know you mean well.

You don't understand
what it's like

to go through this over
and over again.

Okay, well, I... I like...

Ugh.

I don't even believe in fate
or whatever, but it is...

it is like really weird
how we met

and it just seems right,
you know?

Like the kismet we share
or something

and I just think
it's really unfair

that there are so many
shitty parents in the world,

and you wanna be a dad,
and you don't get to be one.

I don't know that I'm supposed
to be a dad, Milo.

I feel like maybe just
falling through so many times

is the universe's way
of telling me "no".

I feel like you can force
any random fucking moment or...

Or interaction into any hole
and say that it fits.

Like it didn't work out
the first three times,

the universe is saying "no",

you need some random chick
in a bar who wants to help,

the universe is saying "yes".

The universe is just a bunch
of random bullshit

floating around in the ether,

and we're all just picking
and choosing which pieces of it

to give meaning to.

Has that been embroidered
on a throw pillow yet?

Roger, I... I really feel
like uh, I can do something

that is bigger than myself.

Okay.

This is really truly
an amazing offer

you've been making
and a part of me,

a big part of me,
wants to say "yes" right now

before the... the sun comes up
and you change your mind,

but this is
not a tequila drag decision.

I need...

Can we think about it?

Ow, fuck!

You can take
all the time you need, okay,

but I... I am not backing out.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

Hey.

Hey, hold this for me a second.

Hmm.

What does she have up her
sleeve?

Oh my God, you are amazing.

You are literally God's gift.

Hmm.

When did you even get this?

Oh, the second,
I heard we were spending the day

at a fuckin' pumpkin patch.

God bless you.

- Okay, salud, my baby.
- Yeah.

Wait, wait, wait,
I want a pic.

Alright, say is a...
is a gourd technically a fruit?

No,
I think it's a root vegetable.

- Ooh. Ooh, Milo.
- Mm.

- Oh, really?
- Mm.

- Milo.
- Oh, fuck.

Will you get...
will you get one of us?

Uh, yeah, sure.

I don't know like... are you in?

- Yes, yeah.
- Alright.

Okay, here we go.

- What are you doing?
- I'm smilin'.

- What are you doing?
- Hey, got it.

Is it cute?

Yeah, it's... it's good.

Oh, Milo, will you, um,
you actually get another one

with like a belly
pumpkin photo...

for my parents, you know?

- Yeah, sure.
- Yeah.

We'll, uh, probably get the idea
with literally any pumpkin?

Oh, here.

Okay, um...

Sorry.

- You got it?
- Sorry.

- Yapa!
- Alright, good.

- Yes, okay.
- Yay.

Okay, good.

Let me get it this way.

Great.

Is it cute?

It's so...

Cute.

- Oh, okay.
- Oh.

Look at this!

It's like matching.

Aw!

This is how literally
every horror movie starts.

Oh my God, Noor,
stop being such a baby.

I am brown, gay, and pregnant.

Who do you think is dying first
in this movie?

Okay, we'll go left,
you guys go right,

and we'll race to the middle.

We can't all just like walk
through a corn maze together?

Where is the unnecessary
competition in that?

Come on,
it'll be like the Amazing Race,

they're the token gays
and we're the closeted Mormons

who aren't tryin'
to push their lives

on anybody else.

Ready, set, go.

We're tokens.

Let's go fast, I wanna win.

When we start our
year at village in Maine,

I was thinking...

Can Teddy come?

Teddy?

Tinder Teddy.

Oh, wow.

Well,
I didn't realize Tinder Teddy

was a farm in Maine serious.

Um, George, I have something
really important to tell you,

but you have
to keep it a secret, okay?

Oh my God, who knew a corny maze
could get more exciting?

Alright.

Um, I'm thinking
of becoming a surrogate.

A surrogate what?

Like... like mother.

Are you serious?

Yeah.

For who?

Uh, that guy we met
at the bar the other night.

Roger.

I've... I've been
spending a lot of time with him

and I... he told me he was tryin'
to have kids forever.

What?

I... do you think
this is totally crazy?

Milo, babies are for women
in their mid-30s

who are tryin'
to save their marriage

and start parenting blogs.

Oh my God, George.

- Hey, seriously?
- Yeah.

Can you actually imagine
givin' up a baby, though?

I mean l... uh, listen,

I know
it's gonna be really intense

and really difficult,

but I just feel like everything
in my life right now

is like the same level
of difficult

and not difficult at all.

And it's just... honestly,
it's really paralyzing

to never feel pushed
to do something terrifying

and meaningful.

you know?

Shit, wow.

Can we start a
gay parenting Instagram

called "Roommates" or something?

Uh, yes!

Yes.

Obviously, yes.

Mm.

Uh.

Okay, you promise
you don't think this is

like the craziest thing
I've ever done.

Oh, I think
you're totally fuckin' crazy,

but I also think this is
a pretty awesome thing.

Also, oh my God,
a fuckin' baby.

I love other people's kids,
I get to give back.

Yeah.

Okay.

Just don't tell Noor yet okay?

Why?

I ju... I... come on, I...

I do not need to
be talked out of it right now.

Wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait.

I go, "pow".

So pretty and...

Glad we came.

- Oh!
- Fuck.

- Ow!
- What happened?

Oh shit, my ankle!

What the fuck, Milo?

She's pregnant.

I know, I'm... uh, are you okay?

I'm sorry.

- You know I hate being scared.
- I know.

I'm really sorry,
that was stupid.

- Are you okay?
- I don't know.

It's awesome.

Hey,
do you guys sell ovulation tests?

Hi.

Hi.

Hi, what... uh,
it's good to see you.

Didn't we say a couple of weeks?

Yes, you know, but
uh, I was just thinking

like does it make a difference?

You know you've been thinking
about this for 20 years, right?

What... huh, what's another week?

Like when you... oh, when...
when you're a dad,

you're not gonna have like
the luxury of time, you know?

You're just gonna have to
like make snap decisions

from your gut.

Do you have like a... a cup
or something?

Uh.

Ah, thank you.

Okay, so I was thinking

like we could go poll a room
of 100 people, right,

and see if they think
this is a good idea or not,

but what if the answer is "no"?

Okay.

It's gotta be now
or like maybe in another month,

but it's... it's not gonna be
in two weeks.

We need to draw up a contract
or something first

at the very least.

I will sign whatever you want me
to sign, okay,

but... but like you know,
how when you're out drunk

with friends and...
and someone's like, "Oh,

we should all go camping",

and then another person is like,
"Yeah, yeah, yeah,

I have family in Maine",
and then someone else is like,

"Ooh I have a tent" you know,
and then...

And then you wake up
the next morning,

and everyone like still pretends
to be into the idea,

but the idea has just
like totally lost its magic,

and it never ends up happening.

What?

I'm just saying.

I think there's like something
to be said

for riding the momentum.

I don't know anything about you
or your family history.

- Did you even go to college?
- Yes, I went to college!

I went to Vassar.

I... I double majored in music,
and Greek, and Roman studies.

Awesome, useful choice.

Um, I got a 2110 on my SATs,
I'm allergic to pet dander,

and kiwis.

I'm on 20 milligrams of Celexa
for depression and anxiety,

and um...

Both of my parents are dead.

- Is that supposed to be a joke?
- No.

No, no, they're both...
they're both actually dead.

My dad died five years ago
of pancreatic cancer

and my mom um,

she committed suicide
when I was 10.

So you have full disclosure,

you're like really,
really rolling the dice here,

both physically and mentally,
but um,

Roger, I'm here,
and I wanna do this, and I...

I am in if you are.

Uh, you know, at least,

if your kid
turns out super fucked up,

no one can
blame the single gay parent.

What the hell?

Okay.

Um, I don't think I'm gonna
get another shot at this.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Okay.

I'm worried
I'm gonna get whiskey dick.

So what do we do?

Uh, well, when um,
a very, very old drag queen

loves a young coed very much...

No.

Uh,
what kinda porn do you watch?

Milo, come on.

Oh my God, Roger,

stop clutching those pearls
so tightly.

Okay, let's see, let's see.

Okay, uh, here we have
what looks like a gym teacher

who's probably not winning
any teacher of the year awards.

Ooh, we got a dad
who should definitely

not be doing that
with the stepson.

Okay, um, orgy, May-December
Ebony and Ivory.

Just normal average
gay consenting adults, please.

Okay.

- Hey.
- Hi.

I'm Steve, the RA.

Alright.

I'm sorry, we were just uh...

- Milo, I just...
- What?

- Uh.
- Just pretend I'm Steve, The RA.

My um,
high school boyfriend said

that I was really,
really good at this

and he's gay now, so...

I'll um, I'll be back.

♪ It has been a while
since I felt ♪

♪ A part of the hill ♪

♪ The green has escaped me ♪

♪ My charcoal eyes ♪

♪ Say a prayer ♪

♪ Are lookin' wet ♪

♪ Into the r... ♪

Hey.

Uh, sorry, that took so long.

Uh, and for the mug.

Wow, you uh, really didn't need
to bring a gift

to the first date.

I know how a lady
should be treated.

Um, I found this
in the bathroom.

I'm pretty sure
they gave it to me

to clean out my stitches
when I had oral surgery,

but I don't think
I ever ended up using it.

Great.

Uh, do you wanna do this
out here or...

No, that's fine.

You can use my room.

It's not...

I was in the bathroom.

Okay.

Um, when was the last time you
had a half-naked lady

in your bed?

1983.

Okay.

Are you ready for this?

Cheers.

Oh, yes, thank you.

I normally hate
having my hair touched.

- Sorry.
- No!

No, no, no, it... it...
keep going,

it feels nice actually.

So how did...
how did you end up here?

Oh.

Um, I was 21,

and so happy to be out
of fucking Shipshewana, Indiana,

and then I was really shocked
watching people get high,

and fuck each other
at night in the park,

and I didn't wanna be shocked,

'cause I literally dreamed
of being here forever.

I was this little
counter cultural twink

just bloated
with irony and angst at home.

And I got here,

and I was like a nun
who'd escaped the convent.

I wanted to be Freddie Mercury,

but I knew I looked
like Fred Savage.

And that killed me.

That's alright.

So what's your story, chickadee?

Mm-mm.

Honestly,
I just kind of always wanted

to be the girl in the band

instead of the girl
with the dead parents.

Hmm.

Yeah, well, joke's on me,
because they're still dead

and I'm not even in a band.

So...

I should go.

I um, I...
I really feel fertilized.

Milo, I... I really, I...
I can't thank you enough.

I... um, let's uh, get together
in a couple of weeks,

and talk about compensation
and everything.

Roger,
that is not why I'm doing this.

Come on, that's ridiculous.

I will see you in a few weeks.

Let's do something fun.

George!

Teddy.

Ooh. You know,
she just peed on that!

I just peed on that!

Hi, please, hi, I'm Teddy,
it's so nice to meet.

And you are definitely pregnant.

Oh my God, oh my God,
oh my God!

Oh, so like I don't even
know you,

but I feel like that gay friend
the producer's bringin'

on 16 and Pregnant
to ask the girl

how she's doing
with all of this.

Oh shit, okay, I gotta...
I gotta call Roger.

- No.
- What? Why?

Hey, where's the pageantry?

You're only
gonna be gay pregnant once,

at least put on a show.

What do you want me to do?

Like bake it into a fucking cake
or something?

I was thinkin' more like
you exit a cab full of doves,

dressed as the Virgin Mary
in a rainbow shroud.

George, I'm not doing that.

Okay, fine, then at least
tell him in person.

Okay, I will!

♪ I may be rough and rude ♪

♪ Kiss another tonight ♪

♪ All night for ♪

♪ Liberating on the whole ♪

♪ And I wouldn't have it
any other way ♪

♪ It's a bitch expertise ♪

♪ Decode it all you please ♪

♪ I've been hung alive ♪

♪ Good bye I've arrived ♪

♪ And I wouldn't take it
any other way ♪

Jesus.

You know, it's Hesus.

Not when you're turning water
into wine.

This is Milo, my baby mama.

It's like I'm meetin'
the Virgin of Guadalupe

in person herself.

Hmm.

A glass of your okayes champagne
for Daddy Roger.

Ew, stop saying it like that.

What can I gonna get you, mama?

Sunset surprise?

Mm-mm.

No, she can't drink,
she's pregnant.

No, I'll have a glass
of red please.

I've actually read a bunch
of articles

that say it's completely fine
to have a glass of wine or two

while you're pregnant,

as long as you're not
like downing shots.

It's just this like fear
propagated by suburban mothers

that are just
sitting at home obsessing

about their future prodigy
and graduating summa cum laude

from Harvard.

People fuck their kids up
way worse

by bein' Republicans
or Scientologists.

Uh, right?

Salud.

graduating summa cum laude
from Harvard

doesn't sound like
the worst thing in the world.

Salud.

Mm.

So do you have
any names picked out?

Well, my uh,

late grandmother's name was Edna

and she was the kind of
brass tacks

first-generation bitch
we need more of in this world.

What?

Sorry uh, there's just something
about babies

with old-timey names.

It just seems so like twee
and self-important to me.

I don't know.

I think it's kinda cute.

Okay, I'm keeping this baby
if you name it Edna.

Okay.

Not Edna then.

Thank you. Thank you.

Okay, okay, okay, do me.

Alright, give it to me.

Okay.

Alright, alright, alright.

Oh, I got it, I got it,
I got it.

- Ready?
- Yes.

Yeah.

Okay.

She's just
another white teenager

who doesn't quite fit in
at her entirely white school.

I know who J.D. Salinger is,
but nobody else does.

This spring, she'll find
three other weirdos

and a science teacher
to be friends with.

Probably stupid.

You'll find that
sometimes growing up

means standing out.

I'm 16, but my over familiar
relationship with adults

is completely normal,
because I'm mature for my age.

Yeah, pop that booty.

Pop that booty.

No, no, no, no, no!

Do not get up.

What do you want?

Um, I was just gonna grab
a seltzer from the fridge.

- I'll get it.
- Thank you.

You're welcome.

There's some wine in
there, too, if you want it.

KJ feels so guilty drinking
without me.

She has like a thimble per week.

Finish it
before it turns into vinegar.

No, I'm good.

I'm just
gonna have a seltzer, too.

You okay?

Yeah.

Uh, wow.

Am I really
that much of an alcoholic?

No, I've just never known you

to turn down
a glass of wine before.

Well, um, I'm...

I'm pregnant.

You're fucking with me.

Nope.

Two months

How?

I didn't even know
you were seeing anyone.

I'm not, I met this
really awesome older gay man

who desperately wants
to be a dad and I...

I offered to be a surrogate.

I don't know.

We got really close, we've had...

What are you even talking about?

That's insane!

This is insane.

No, honestly,
I don't need a lawyer right now.

Thank you.

This... this is exactly... fuck,
what I told George would happen.

- You told George?
- Yes, dude, I did okay?

And I'm not gonna
be guilt-tripped,

because I chose to tell someone
that I knew

who would just support me.

Being supportive
is not the same thing

as being enabling.

I'm not like an addict, Noor,
okay?

I'm an adult like you

and I'm allowed
to make decisions.

I'm allowed to make like really,
really big life decisions.

But it's never a decision
with you,

it's always just an impulse.

Yeah, you know what it is?

It's never just
advice with you, dude,

It's always just
a fuckin' therapy session.

Oh shit.

Okay, not one,
but two-months' pregnant,

on 1, 2, 3.

I'm gonna shake it.

- Don't shake it, don't.
- Yeah.

♪ I'm gonna call it in the air ♪

You're actually not supposed
to do that.

I know, I forgot.

But I get so excited.

♪ Heads we make it,
tails we don't ♪

♪ If we stop now,
we won't get hurt ♪

♪ Is it too late
to take a turn ♪

♪ Heads we make it,
tails we don't ♪

♪ He said, toss it ♪

- Fucker.
- Not that.

♪ Leave it ♪

♪ Can we keep it ♪

♪ Both sides fleeting ♪

♪ What's the meaning ♪

♪ I'm gonna call it in the air ♪

♪ I'm gonna call it in the air ♪

Yeah, take this.

♪ Heads we make it,
tails we don't ♪

Just 1, 2, 3.

Yeah!

♪ If we stop now,
we won't get hurt ♪

♪ Is it too late
to take a turn ♪

Oh,
what the fuck are we doing?

♪ Heads we make it,
tails we don't ♪

You look really great.

♪ She said... ♪

It's a very romantic instrument.

We can throw
in the strap for free.

Uh...

We could let this go
for a price of...

Oh...

You're welcome to String Theory.

We sell guitars, mandolins,

and free key triggers
we keep in the back.

Milo, why didn't you tell us you
had Cameron Owusu in the shop?

Who?

Hmm.

This man is the lead guitarist
for After After.

No way, that's nuts,
I've seen you guys play!

Motion to set Milo adrift
on a flaming raft.

- Yay!
- Nay.

Tough call,

but tie vote defaults
to the nays.

Lucky.

Anyway.

Uh, are you still interested
in that Johnson?

Nah, that kinda fell through.

I'm just here
to pick up some strings

and a looper pedal.

Guys.

Guys, Milo,
helped me out the last time

and I didn't buy anything,
so I'm gonna

give her the sales commission
on this one.

So just uh, swingin' by
your favorite

three-star Yelp-reviewed
specialty Brooklyn guitar shop

or like what?

Straight up, I was kinda hopin'
you'd be here.

I tried to call you
on the number

on your business card, but...

Oh yeah, that's the phone here.

They've destroyed it last year,
because it was ringing too much.

But can I give you my number,
so you have it?

Yes, you may.

Thank you.

Jesus.

Hey, you're all dolled up.

Hey, yeah, I got a hot date.

With me?

No, with a very fine musician.

I uh,
totally fucked up my makeup,

so I came to beg for a touch-up,
and I figured I'd stop by

and bring you some literature
you might like,

very queer, very downright,
social construct.

Oh, huh.

Great minds.

No, thank you, that's great.

I can give it to one of the dads
in my dad group.

You're in a dad group?

That's... that's fun.

Yeah, it's like this
whole underbelly of New York

I had no idea existed.

I'm like a suburban housewife
who just discovered

narcotics anonymous meets
at her church basement

on Wednesdays.

Well, um, let me know
if you need me

for
bring-your-spunky-surrogate day.

It's more of a chance
for gay dads

and prospective dads to connect
and support each other, but...

Okay, uh, do you have
any liquid liner?

This is a mess.

Yeah.

Um, fair warning,

I don't have much experience
with civilian makeup.

That's okay.

I can look like Lady Esther
on the right

and Lady Bunny on the left.

Hello, Bergen,
and welcome to trivia night.

As always, I am your host Giana,
this is my partner Jamie.

We are
with Broadly Entertaining.

first things first, you gotta
come up with a team name.

Now your team name does not have
to be funny or clever,

but it sure helps

I mean if it's not a guitar pun,
we're doin' something wrong.

Mm, puns and roses, thin quizzy,
pinball quizzard.

You just got
those loaded and about?

Yes, yes, I do.

I can go on all night.

How about G string?

Yeah,
that seems a little bass for me,

but um, I can fuck with it,

Oh, I'm sorry.

My puns
aren't up to your standards

unless bass was supposed
to be a pun,

in which case
they most definitely are.

Mm.

Takes a lot of practice
to be this lame.

Cameron, hi, hi, hi.

Hey.

Bee's Knees for you?

Fuck me up, Kim.

And for you?

Um, I would just
like a soda and lime, please.

Alright, folks.

Nolan Ryan,
nicknamed the Ryan Express,

he holds the all-time record
for no hitters.

Please tell us one
of the four major league teams

he pitched for in his career.

The Mets, the Angels,
the Astros, the Rangers.

What?

Hey, sports fan.

My dad grew up in Ghana,

but he was obsessed
with American baseball.

He still collects cards.

You see,
this is why I like trivia.

Let's you rush past
all the what's your middle name,

and do you have any pets,

and get to
what's actually interesting.

There you go.

- Hey, enjoy.
- Thank you.

Are you sure
you don't wanna drink drink?

Uh, yeah, no, I just...
I don't know.

I don't wanna get tired.

Roland Orzabal was one half
of which English pop rock band?

Tears for Fears, bitch.

I was actually
junior class social chair

and I refused to play anything

besides British
'80s rock anthems

for all three and a half hours
of homecoming

and they unanimously voted
to impeach me

halfway through the dance, so...

That's kinda baller
in a really, really lame way.

Funny that you say that,

because lame baller was
my very first AIM screen name

and it will be the title
of my autobiography.

Alright, friends,
for number three...

Oh, whoa!

Cute.

Hmm, welcome to the pad.

A first place trophy would have
looked so good in here.

No, they don't give you a trophy
for first place.

I'd know.

Well, thanks for
my consolation prize sticker.

I'm um,
I'm gonna look at it every day

and think about
how mediocre I am.

You need a sticker for that?

I guess I do.

I don't think
you're mediocre at all.

I think you're the worst.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Um, hold on a sec, okay?

Uh...

Hey.

Hey.

Did you put on my shirt?

I'm sorry,
I didn't tell you earlier.

I just uh...

You know, it didn't come up

in any of the trivia
night questions, so...

Yeah, I feel like maybe you
could have mentioned it

before I had your clothes
halfway off your body.

I mean would you have
still asked me out

if I told you?

That feels like entrapment.

Don't they say entrapment
is like the sincerest form

of flattery?

I'm sorry.

So after this what?

Just another four or five months
and it's done?

No, I mean I...
I think I'll be more

like a... an aunt or um...

I don't know.

The non-denominational
godparent,

like a not religious
to spiritual parent.

Can I ask you why
you decided to do this?

I mean I know it's...
it's like a great thing to do,

but like why?

Do you ever feel like um,

like you've already experienced
the most intense version

of like every emotion
you'll ever feel?

What do you mean?

Like...

Okay, like, like um...
uh, like when you're a kid

or um, or a teenager
and like you know,

you feel fear or pain or loss
for the first time you know,

it's... it's so intense.

So you decided to do this
because it's like a...

A new feeling?

That...
I mean that makes me sound

like I'm being
entirely self-serving, but...

No, I'm just saying.

It's a... it's a pretty
big decision to make

for the sake of catharsis.

Yeah, I mean when m...
I had a lot of...

A lot of really
shitty family stuff happen

when I was a kid and...

Hmm.

I don't know.

I just looked for something else
to feel intensely

to make the other feelings
seem duller.

Like you know how when there's
a car alarm going off outside

and like you turn on the AC
even though you're not hot,

because like the sound
that's closer to your ear

just kinda
quiets the louder one.

I'm sorry.

I just... I really...

I really hate
having my hair played with.

I like you a little bit, Milo.

I like you a little bit, too.

Okay.

Um, Renée.

- Too French.
- Mm.

Jack?

Too John Cougar Mellencamp.

Okay.

Voldemort.

That is perfect.

Do you ever talk to the baby
or... or read to it or anything?

Uh, no.

No, I guess I don't.

I picked up this book of poems
about pregnancy

and I don't know,
I wanted to give it to you

in case you wanted to try it
sometime.

I've read that it's good
for the baby to be talked to.

Yes, of course.

Uh.

Ah, the Consecrating Mother.

I love Anne Sexton.

Okay.

Uh, "I stand before the sea,

and it rolls and rolls
in its green blood saying..."

Can I actually read it?

Um, if it's okay with you?

I really want the baby
to know my voice

if that's really a thing?

I...

Yes, of course, read it.

"Saying, 'Do not give up
one God for I have a handful.'

The trade winds blew

in their twelve-fingered
reversal

and I simply stood on the beach

while the ocean
made a cross of salt

and hung up its drowned
and they cried Deo Deo.

The ocean offered them up
in the vein of its might.

I wanted to share this,

but I stood alone
like a pink scarecrow.

The ocean steamed in and out,

the ocean gasped upon the shore,
but I could not define her.

I could not name her mood,
her locked-up faces.

Far off, she rolled and rolled
like a woman in labor

and I thought of those
who had crossed her

in antiquity, in nautical trade,
in slavery, in war.

I wondered how
she had borne those bulwarks.

She should be entered
skin to skin

and put on like one's first
or last cloth,

envered like kneeling your way
into church,

descending into that ascension,
though she be slick as olive oil

as she climbs each wave
like an embezzler of white."

Let's read the end together.

Oh, okay.

Uh, the big deep.

"The big deep knows
the law as it wears its gray hat."

"Though the
ocean comes in its destiny

with its 100 lips,

and in moonlight
she comes in her nudity,

flashing breasts
made of milk water,

flashing buttocks
made of unkillable lust,

and at night when you enter her,
you shine like a neon soprano.

I am that clumsy human
on the shore

loving you,
coming, coming, going,

and wish to put my thumb on you
like The Song of Solomon."

There you go.

Some little fingers
and toes there.

We like fingers and toes.

Yay, fingers and toes.

Thanks, I grew them myself.

Since you're a bit late
for your five-month appointment

and your little friend
is being cooperative,

I can tell you the sex today
if you wanna know.

- Oh my God, wonderful.
- Oh, no.

No, I don't really wanna know.

Okay.

It's common for one parent
to wanna know

and the other
to remain surprised.

Ms. Winiker, if you wanna
step out of the room after this,

I can tell Mr. Nyhum
the sex of the baby.

I think I'd really like to know.

I'm... I'm 52.

At this point,
I'd like to remove

as much uncertainty
from the process as possible.

Yeah, I just...
I always imagined

being surprised the first time,
you know?

Did you imagine it like this?

Roger, I don't wanna know, okay?

If you do, that's fine.

I have to go pee anyway
for like 500th time today.

Hey.

Hi.

You're upset or something?

Just exhausted

and it's like started
to move around,

which is just like
the weirdest feeling imaginable.

I asked her not to tell me.

Really?

Yeah.

Uh, what do I care?

I'm tryin' to parent
beyond pink and blue anyway.

Thank you.

So my lawyer friend finally
got the contract back to me

and I thought
now is as good a time as any

to hand it off to you.

Are you like suddenly afraid

I'm gonna steal this kid
from you?

No,
I mean it protects you, too.

If I go swimming in the Hudson
and contract a...

a brain parasite, I can't
shelf this kid off on you.

Anyway, you get those back
to me next month

at the appointment.

Yeah, yeah, I'm sure
I'll see you before then.

Just uh, let me know.

This week is crazy for me.

Okay, yeah, I'll uh,
I'll see you soon, Roger.

Chuck chuck to
Bustin, chuck chuck to Linn,

Be careful little Lilah's
starting to fall in!

- Oh!
- Oh.

Okay, okay, okay.

Who had uh, white people
like white people?

Very good, very funny.

I win.

Um, I call it
"preferential treatment".

If I was
giving preferential treatment,

it would be to you.

Oh please, they're cute.

I wanna play charades.

It's George's birthday.

What do you wanna play?

Yeah, I mean charades is good.

Milo, are we still waiting
for Roger?

Uh, I don't know,

I don't know
if he's gonna make it.

I am sure
we'll meet him eventually.

Yeah.

Uh, I mean he works nights
and he's about to have a baby,

he's a really busy guy.

Okay, are you getting fussy?

I'm gonna
put her in right there.

Sure, yeah, put here right in.

Little bit of fussy girl.

Uh, does anybody want anything
to drink?

Oh, I'll have another Sixpoint.

Thanks.

Hmm.

Shit.

We're uh... we're out.

I'm gonna... I'm gonna go out
and get some.

No, don't worry about it.

- No, we are fine.
- No, it's fine.

Honestly,
I need the fresh air anyway.

Thank you so much.

Thank you so much.

Jesus,
did you go to Alpha Centauri?

You've been gone
like 35 minutes.

Yeah, yeah,
the corner deli was closed.

Alright, we gotta come up
with some words for charades.

How about
some obscure legal Latin?

Write "res ipsa loquitur".

Ugh, amazing.

I don't even know what that is.

It goes without saying.

I mean okay, it's... I don't...
I don't speak Latin.

No, that's what it means,
"it goes without saying".

Oh, right.

Uh, speaking of Latin,
have you had a chance

to look over my contract?

Yeah, we should make some time
to talk about it.

Okay, uh, we're here now.

Yeah, but uh, I just had
a glass of wine and...

It's more
than a five-minute conversation.

Noor, I wasn't like asking you
to write me a legal brief

I just...
I wanted you to look over it

and make sure
everything seemed normal.

Okay.

Thank you.

"The surrogate shall relinquish

and the genetic father
shall take immediate, full,

and absolute custody
of the child upon birth,

and all decisions
concerning the child's health,

in utero and after delivery,

shall be made
by the genetic father."

I'm worried that's
incredibly prohibitive language.

No, it's just a technicality
that protects both of us.

Okay.

"Any child born pursuant
to the conduct

contemplated by this agreement
shall be morally, ethically,

legally, contractually,
and otherwise the child

of the genetic father
for all purposes,

the surrogate agrees to sign
all necessary affidavits,

consents, and/or waivers,

and to attend
all necessary court hearings

to establish the genetic father's
parenthood to their prior...

Okay. Okay, okay,
I get it.

You made your point, Noor, okay?

This doesn't sound like
a formality between friends.

This sounds like someone who is
absolutely legally capable

of preventing you
from seeing this baby forever

if he wants to.

No.

No, he would
never do something like that.

I'm not judging, Milo.

These are reasonable questions
to ask.

I don't even know
what he looks like.

Uh, it's not
like you introduced us

to your sperm donor.

I also didn't drink whiskey
at his fucking house.

Okay, look, I know how hard
it was for you to get pregnant

and now I'm doing that
for someone else

in your position.

I just feel like can't you just
like be... be...

What?

Grateful?

Were you gonna say "grateful"
to you?

Like on behalf
of the gay community?

Yeah, we'll get your key
to Fire Island

as soon as possible.

Why are you being
such a shithead to me?

Because you are
incapable of listening

unless you're told exactly
what you wanna hear.

KJ told me not to do this
and I still...

Oh my God.

What?

You're a fucking lawyer, dude.

It dr... it... honestly,
it drives me insane

when you act
like some diffident housewife.

Like... like if KJ were a dude,

she would be the picture
of an overbearing boyfriend.

Like your wife
let you do your actual job.

I'm sorry welcome
to the 21st fucking century.

She didn't let me do anything.

- Marriage is a partnership.
- Hmm.

Yes, I run major decisions
by my wife.

Oh, oh, cool.

I had no idea

that giving your best friend
legal advice

constituted
as a major life decision.

It shouldn't be,

but you always end up
mental gymnasticsing me

and it's fucking exhausting,
Milo!

Yes, because one minute

you're the moral authority
of the world...

Oh!

And the next you're
the fucking victim.

Yeah, that's called
"having a conscience"!

Okay.

You know how when you ask people
about their childhood friends

and they're always like,
"You know,

if we met each other now,
we just we'd never be friends,

but we've known each other
for so long."

Noor, I never thought
that was us, but...

No, 'cause I think cacti
is plural for cactus.

Ooh.

- Oh, that's a good one.
- Oh, no, no, we're not done yet.

I'm sorry, guys, I'm just...
I'm not feeling that well.

I think
I'm just gonna head home.

- Are you okay?
- You haven't even had cake.

Are you seriously leaving?

Yeah, I am!

We got into an argument
and now she's like running home.

Okay,
can we all just keep it down?

I am speaking at
a perfectly reasonable volume!

It's a baby, fucking Christ,
that's what it does.

Yeah, I actually had a kid
with the full knowledge

and understanding
of what a commitment that is.

Right, yes.

In retrospect,
I really should have come

to you for advice KJ.

You know what, Milo,
you are incapable of listening

unless you are told exactly
what you wanna hear.

Do you two just
like sit up at night

and talk about me
instead of having sex?

Milo.

Can you not swear
in front of the baby?

No, no, no, no, I'm s...
I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry.

I shouldn't say "sex"
in front of the fucking baby!

- Let's just go.
- Alright.

- Come on, let's just go.
- Yeah.

It's not worth it.

Wait, you can't push open...

Definitely, go home
and send me the therapy bill

in 15 years, okay? That's fine.

Come on. No, no, no.

Just... yeah.

Okay, but like I'm mostly mad
that I just...

I feel like I can't have
a single conversation with her

without like a specter of KJ
just like hanging over.

You know what I mean?

Noor loves you.

Not as much as she loves KJ,
no ma...

No matter how unreasonable
she's being.

They're married.

Sorry, can I have another wine,
please?

Hey, Milo,

you know I'm never one
to police a good time,

but should you maybe slow down?

George, it's fine.

Um,
I think if you just apologize,

it'll probably work itself out.

- Okay, are you like on her side?
- No, I...

Hey, neither of us
even heard the argument.

I think she's
just worried about you.

Do you think she needs to be?

No, I think it's a little weird

that you're
in this new relationship

that seems good for you,

but you spend so much time
with Roger

and none of us
have even met him.

Yeah, okay, well,
he's like literally on his way

to come meet us right now,

so why don't you
take a picture of him

and just send it to Noor, okay?

Hi, you've reached Roger.

I'm not here right now.

Leave me a message
and I'll get back to you

as soon as I can.

Hey, it's me uh, again.

I'm at phoenix and I'm just...

I'm starting
to get a little worried,

because it's been
a couple of hours

and I still haven't
heard from you.

Um...

And I've been
feeling some cramps,

and like a few sharper pains
in my sides,

and I don't know
if it's anything.

Anyway, yeah, I um...

...I just wanted
to keep you posted.

So yeah, you...
you know where to find me.

Uh...

Oh yeah.

- Okay.
- Ooh yeah.

Hey, are you okay?

Is everything alright?

What? Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Um, uh, Roger, this is George,
my roommate,

and his recurring
Tinder date Teddy.

It's really good to see you.

It's been a minute, huh?

Uh, wait, are you drinking?

I had some wine.

Yeah, one is fine.

Alright.

You sure everything's okay?

Why wouldn't it be?

Milo said
she was having stomach pains.

Oh my God,
why didn't you tell me?

Uh, they passed.

Seriously, I'm fine.

It... it wasn't a big deal.

I just... I almost
didn't even mention it.

It's fine.

You called me and asked me
to come be with you.

No, I wasn't like...

Seriously, I just said that
in passing, okay?

I... I was just calling to see
if you wanted to come meet us

for a drink?

Okay, I'm gonna head back home.

I'm uh, glad everything's okay.

No, come on,
you're already here.

Let me just
buy you a whiskey soda.

I don't even
have my wallet on me.

W...

I'll see you at the appointment
next week.

Sorry.

I... I really... I... ooh,
I do not know

what that was about.

Phew.

Thank God,
men can't get pregnant.

'Cause I mean Jesus the f...
fucking volatility.

I'm gonna call it a night.

No, wait, George.

Come on, please stay.

I need to be distracted.

Hey, George, what is wrong?

It's my birthday,

and this is the first time I've
asked Teddy to come hang out

with all of us,
and now I feel like he thinks

I have a crazy dramatic group
of friends.

This is Noor.

Honestly, I don't really care
whose fault it is.

Hi.

I really genuinely
feel like five years ago,

conspiracy theories
were the glue

that bound us all together

and now it's like someone's
conspiracy theory

So delicate yet so strong.

I wish Milo would shut up.

Hmm.

Milo.

Milo.

And it honestly drives me crazy
like every...

- Milo.
- What?

Could you just...

Could you just please be quiet?

Yeah, it's becoming
increasingly difficult

just to sit here
and enjoy the music.

Oh, I'm sorry.

You mean you...
oh, you want me to be quiet

like um, this?

Just like sit here, quiet.

It's just that for once we have
a talented semi-famous musician

playing an instrument,

whereas we get to listen
to you talk for hours on end

literally every day.

Um, hi, hello, yes, I... I'm um,
I'm a musician, too.

Yeah, but thing is like you're
not really though, are you?

Yeah,
you haven't played an open mic

since you started working here,
so...

Hey,
some of my friends are playing

at the Knitting Factory tonight
if you wanna come?

I think you'd like them.

- The Knitting Factory.
- Got it.

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, what?

Tonight.

You wanna come to a show
with me?

Uh, no, I can't, I can't.

I'm... I'm doing something
with Roger.

I'm sorry, but we're on
for Saturday, yeah?

Yeah, sure.

- I'll see you later.
- Bye.

Uh...

That's mine, too.

Bye.

The Knitting
Factory tonight, man.

The Knitting Factory.

The Knitting Factory,
I didn't get a kiss.

Nope.

Milo, what are you doing here?

I was just uh, stopping by
on my way home from work.

I wanted to ask you about the...

Yeah, now is not a good time,
so...

Hi.

Hi.

I'm Ken.

Hi.

Uh, Ken, uh, this is Milo.

You're Milo.

Yeah.

It is nice to meet you.

Ken, I'm... I'm really...
I'm sorry to crash the party.

I d... I didn't... I didn't know
you had anyone over.

I hope you don't
think it's weird,

but I just wanna tell you
it is such a wonderful thing

that you're doing.

You know, all the dads
in our group were so touched

when we heard the story.

Oh, you're...
you're in the dad group, too?

Uh, that... that's awesome.

Do you have kids?

Yeah, Lyla, she's 4.

Uh, I can't believe
I haven't met you yet.

Have you been
to any of Roger's shows?

Not yet,

but I hear he's
the belle of the ball, though.

He is, you should come sometime.

Uh, we could sit together

and we'd get you
a sunset surprise.

Yeah, I'm...
I'm not on this week,

but um, maybe sometime.

Sure.

Well, I... I'd offer you
a glass of wine, but...

Yeah, that's fine, that's fine.

Um, I'm seeing Milo
later this week.

I'll uh, Milo, let me...
let me walk you down.

It's uh, nice to meet you, Ken.

I had no idea you were
seeing someone.

Yeah, I have been for a while.

Why didn't you say anything?

Because it just
didn't seem relevant.

Relevant to... to what?

Milo, you need to text me
before you come over.

You know if anything's happening
with the baby,

I'm here day or night.

Otherwise, we need to
start setting some boundaries.

Okay.

Alright. So what um...

What are our boundaries then,
Roger?

I'll honestly feel better
about our boundaries

when you return the contract.

Okay, I... I mean I... I just...

I saw
that you were home tonight,

so I figured I'd stop by
on my walk home.

How'd you even know I was home?

You posted a picture.

Okay, this...
this is what I'm talking about.

I should be able
to post something

on a personal account

without you taking it
as an open invitation

to drop in
whenever you feel like it,

like it's an episode of Friends
or something.

It's a public account.

I didn't like pay someone

to track down
your social security number

and your mother's maiden name
for me.

No,
but you are taking photos of me

through my window.

That was a joke.

It was weird, Milo!

It made me feel weird.

And then, the whole telling me
you had stomach pains

to get me to go hang out
with you at a bar!

My stomach did feel weird,
Roger, okay?

I... I mean I'm not like insane.

You're making me sound
like I'm insane

or like I'm stalking you
or something.

You know how wonderful
I think you are.

I am so fucking excited
that this kid is gonna

have your awesome genes.

If she's half as badass as you,
she's gonna do okay

in this insane difficult world.

She?

Shit.

- You said that you didn't find out.
- Shit.

Milo, I'm sorry.

I w...

I wanted to know.

I just... like I really...
I really fucking wanted

to keep this one thing
for myself.

I'm sorry I told you.

It... it was shitty,
but it was an accident.

I'm not sorry for wanting
to know the gender of my child.

I've been waiting for this
for 20 years!

Right, so I'm... I'm...
I'm just your surrogate.

Is that the way you talk
about me in your dad group?

No.

I just need you
to let me figure out

how to be a dad on my own.

Hey, um, do you wanna...
do you wanna go

to Rogers um, show
at Thigh High tonight just...

Just the two of us?

Um, I'm supposed to
spend the night at Teddy's,

but yeah, I'm down.

Tinder Teddy still?

Yeah, it's been like six months.

George, are you mad at me?

No, just naked.

Are you done yet?

Uh, yeah, sorry, shit.

Uh, okay.

Whoops.

- Don't flush the toi...
- Sorry, shit, sorry!

Ooh, I am sure your daddy
will be able to teach you

to do makeup
much better than I can.

- Hi.
- Hey.

What's up?

There should be a special place
in hell

for people
who organize supermarkets.

Oh no!

Yeah, you're welcome,

I'm makin' you
a goddamn stuffed artichoke.

Um, you're gonna kill me.

If you tell me
I'm only making one stuffed artichoke.

Yeah, I might.

I totally forgot.

Did you make other plans?

No.

No, no, no,
Roger has a show tonight,

and we had a really weird night
this week,

and I wanna go, and try,
and sort things over.

Please, please, please, please,
come and then you know,

we can go back to your place
right after.

We planned this like a week ago.

I know, I know, I'm sorry.

I... I'll be in and out,
I promise.

I'll give you a head.

Don't try to negotiate sex
for food.

Okay, uh, meet me there.

I'll text you the address.

Bye.

Bye.

Shit.

Did you invite Cameron?

Yeah.

Sorry, I forgot we were supposed
to have date night,

so I told him
to come meet us here.

Okay, I'm gonna get a drink.

Okay.

Hello.

- Hey.
- Hi.

- How are you?
- Good, good, good.

Uh, let's go get seats.

Milo.

Jesus, hi!

Does Roger know you're here?

Uh, no, no, no,

I didn't even know
he was performing.

Hey, come.

Come, come, sit at the bar.

No, no, no,
we're gonna go find seats.

Never been
to a drag show before.

Yes, why is that?

No, I don't know.

I just... like you're like
you did some work

and they let you... give you
a rogue strap

and take you to a drag show.

I must have missed
that day of orientation.

Sucks to be you.

Fun little fact for y'all.

Suppository
is actually my drag auntie

and I don't know

if you're allowed
to fuck your drag aunt,

but if Game of Thrones
tells us anything,

and it does, it's yes, mama!

Ooh!

Next up
is my personal favorite DILTF

that stands for "Daddy,
I'd like to find

an amazing family therapist

to work through
our deep-seated issues with."

Angela Merkin!

Hello, hello, guys and dolls,

I've been reading
a lot of baby books lately

and they all tell me that
gender is a social construct

and that all of us
should be playing with dolls,

so apparently,
I am the modern picture

of the perfect parent.

Wooh!

Yes,
I'm sure your mother's very proud.

This one goes out
to all the daddies out there,

but it is dedicated
to one very special daddy,

my Kenny.

Aw!

Hit it, Sam.

♪ Somebody said
you got a new friend ♪

That was some show.

Uh, yeah, he's great, right?

Milo,
can I talk to you a second?

Yep.

Did you not tell Roger
we were comin' here tonight?

Ugh, chill, George, it's fine.

Are you okay?

Yes!

Like are you actually okay?

Because this is all startin'
to get really weird

and you're bein'
like a little manic.

Okay, yeah, let's uh,

let's all remember
which one of us

is medicated for that.

Wow.

If you wanna light yourself
on fire, Milo,

that's up to you,
but I'm not gonna stand here

and burn up next to you.

Is that like a little... little
therapy tidbit you filed away?

I'm sorry for
not taking relationship advice

from someone
who has literally cheated

on every person he's been with.

You okay?

Yes, I'm fine.

You don't have to stay here.

You're supposed
to go to my place tonight.

I know, I...
it's important that I talk to Roger.

- What?
- What are you doing here?

Stopping by the performance

that wasn't happening
this weekend.

What are you talking about?

Last week,
when I was at your house,

you told me
that you weren't on tonight.

I am allowed to have a life
that doesn't involve you.

Oh, okay.

I'm just... I'm just tryin'
to figure out

how we went from taking shots
in your dressing room

to arguing on a street corner.

We... we were... no, we were fine
like... like a month ago.

This is not the life I want
for my kid.

This is a check for $13,000.

It's most of my savings.

I'm gonna be very clear.

This is a transaction.

No.

No, it is what I say it is.

I'm fucking pregnant.

Roger, you... you manipulated me
into thinking

that we were friends.

Is this what a friendship
looks like to you?

Do what you want with that.

Deposit it or don't,
I don't care,

but you better return
those papers signed

by the end of next week

or I will make it
a fucking problem for you.

Uh, I think you should go
to your own place tonight.

Are you serious?

Because of Roger?

No, Milo, because of you.

You keep blowin' me off
for someone

who clearly
doesn't want you around.

It is a really,
really complicated situation.

I don't doubt that.

But whether you
keep misrepresenting it to me,

yourself or both.

Cameron, will you please just
like chill for five minutes?

I'll see you.

Hey, it's Noor.

Leave me a message,
I'll call you back.

Hey, it's Noor.

Leave me a message,
I'll call you back.

Hey, it's me.

Um...

Please, call me.

I'm really sorry.

I know that I was out of line
the other night

and I'm... I'm sorry, Noor.

I really...

I really, really need you,
please call me back.

♪ Are you afraid of the dark,
my baby ♪

♪ I said, mother,
oh, mother, I am ♪

♪ Lay here as still
as you can, my baby ♪

♪ And I'll fill up your eyelids
with sand ♪

♪ I cried myself to sleep ♪

♪ While the monsters
were quietly creeping ♪

♪ Through the cracks
in my door ♪

♪ Plundering sheets for
to dream in ♪

♪ What if our house
catches fire tonight ♪

♪ She says, baby,
oh, baby, it won't ♪

♪ How do you know
so much more than I do ♪

♪ She says, baby,
oh, baby, I don't ♪

♪ I cried myself to sleep ♪

♪ While the flame
melt my whole into hollow ♪

♪ In the snow white... ♪

Hi.

Hi.

I... I promise I'm not...
I'm not tryin' to trap you.

Just drinking
with my name sake?

Oh, yeah, yeah,
he does okay in a pinch.

Okay, uh I...

I think you're feeling
like I've been an asshole

who is completely preoccupied
with my own life

and I am feeling
like I have been an asshole

who is completely preoccupied
with my own life.

You see, I can do therapy, too.

I printed out a list of um,
of all the questions

I wish I had asked you
over the past seven months.

Please sit.

Good.

How's the sex with Teddy?

Our DM says it's fantastic.

Huh-huh.

If you could be
any dessert wine,

which one would you be?

Dessert wine is for people
who don't value themselves.

Correct.

How's your head?

No complaints.

How many times have you sharted
since last week?

On purpose or by mistake?

1, 2, 3.

What's in the box?

"I have heard
what the talkers were talking,

the talk of the beginning
and the end.

There was
never any more inception

than there is now,

nor any more youth or age
than there is now."

1, 2, 3.

Are you ready for this?

Gotta seduce your man.

Hey!

Oh, that's when you were sick.

Yeah.

Hi.

Um, hello.

As many of you may know
from never seeing me before

uh, I don't usually
do stuff like this,

but um, I'm trying these days
to try I guess, so yeah.

This is an original song
called "Milk water".

Oh, uh, and thank you to Matt.

Very special thanks to Matt
for letting me play here tonight

and for conceding
that at least if I suck,

you guys will all
probably drink more.

Uh, just a glass of vodka
for you.

Uh.

I wanted to thank you
for the papers in person.

I need to say I'm sorry to you.

I... I really...
I think I needed this

to be something that it was
not goin' to turn into

and um, I'm sorry.

I don't think I was
completely fair

or honest
with my feelings either.

I liked having a friend,
maybe a partner.

I got carried away, too.

Thank you.

I need to be a parent
on my own first

and then down the road.

Who knows?

I just need a chance
to get on that road.

I'm meeting Ken
for a late dinner,

so I gotta get going,

but um, I will see you
at the check-up next week.

I actually really
like Eddie as a name.

Really?

Yeah, it's cute.

And it's very you.

George!

This feels
completely unnecessary.

- No, no, yes it is.
- Come on.

Where's the fucking car?

I don't know!

It said it's gonna be here
in two minutes.

What?

Will someone please
hand me my fucking phone

or call Roger?

This is really early
and I know it's normal.

But like
what if it's too early?

It's gonna be fine,
it wants to come out.

I know, don't we all?

Huh, see?

She's still making jokes.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

What if its head
is like sticking out of me?

Do you want me to check?

Yeah, actually I do.

Okay.

Actually, no.

Never mind, George.

This is weird.

I don't want you to do that,
get out of there.

Thank God.

It's... it's...
it's here, it's here.

Okay, please, look, this is it.

It's the last thing you do.

Just get in this cab
and then you're good.

No way, man,

I'm not takin'
fuckin' pregnant lady.

- What? Are you kidding?
- That's discrimination!

That's not discrimination!

I don't wanna fuckin' baby goo
all over my car!

What is your name?

Frank.

Okay, Frank,
I will name this baby Frank

if you just drive us
to the fucking hospital, okay?

Okay.

But that better be
Frank Antonio Raffaelee III,

With two Es!

- Fuck, go!
- Fucking, just go!

Just go!

Send me a picture
of little Frankie

and a Christmas card!

Oh.

Okay,
I'm gonna go get you a nurse.

Deep breaths.

Fuck.

George, fuck, I can't do this.

I can't do this please,
break my leg.

Please just break...
break my leg,

because then I can't push

and then they have
to give me a C-section.

Hey, hey, this is it.

This is really it.

You let me pull a splinter
out of your vagina

after your skinny dip
off of Connor Demanuel's

lake house dock junior year.

- You can do this.
- Okay.

- Hey.
- Okay, okay, okay.

Hi.

Hey, honey.

Oh my God, I really passed out.

Um, she with Roger?

Are they okay?

Mmhmm.

Roger's out there,
she's with him.

She's so beautiful.

You did such a good job.

I thought
it was gonna be disgusting

and it was...

But I also cried the whole time.

He did.

He really, really did.

Thank you for being here,
you guys.

Of course.

Although, I did almost leave
out of sheer jealousy.

I was in labor for 22 hours

and you just
pushed her right out.

22 hours?

Ugh, it's gross.

Like I guess taking
all that dick

did really pay off.

It's like uh, Slip 'N Slide.

Yeah.

All cool?

- Mmhmm.
- Oh.

Oh.

Hi.

Hi, honey.

How are you?

Why does everyone keep
calling me "honey"?

Don't ruin your baby glow.

I'm okay, I think.

Why do I still look pregnant?

This is so weird.

You look radiant.

Just don't look in the mirror.

- You wanna hold her?
- No.

No, no, no, no.

I just... I feel
really sore still.

Can I get you anything?

Hmm.

Yeah, actually, do you mind
grabbing me some ice?

Of course.

Are you still seeing Cameron
on Friday?

Uh, yeah.

Um, we're gonna get a drink
after a show.

Can you read the vibe?

Not really.

No, we're just trying
not to overthink it, you know?

Yeah.

I'll see him, I'll make amends.

Who knows after that?

Oh, come on!

I am finally getting
to hang out with a human adult.

Are you really
gonna ruin it for me?

Yes, she did.

♪ How was I to know ♪

♪ Courage filled you up ♪

♪ And I just fold ♪

♪ Could it be, it was better ♪

♪ Undeniably so ♪

♪ Would you really
trade the weather ♪

♪ For half this home ♪

♪ If I only knew the right way ♪

♪ To be wrong ♪

♪ If I could only do it right ♪

♪ Then I'll be gone ♪

♪ It's been so long,
for the record ♪

♪ I waited even though ♪

♪ They say our timing's off ♪

♪ And you laugh, and I don't ♪

♪ Counted all of the efforts ♪

♪ And I played 'em like a joke ♪

♪ Would you really
wait forever ♪

♪ You ask, and I choke ♪

♪ If I only knew the right way ♪

♪ To be wrong ♪

Provided by explosiveskull
https://twitter.com/kaboomskull

♪ If I could only do it right ♪

♪ Then I'll be gone ♪

♪ It's been so long a record ♪

♪ How was I to know ♪

♪ I don't wanna bother you ♪

♪ But I just need
to bother you now ♪

♪ I know
there's other people here ♪

♪ I just see them out
in the crowd ♪

♪ Do you see my eyes,
do you see my need ♪

♪ I'm so transparent,
so trust me please ♪

♪ I want you to feel me ♪

♪ Can you just feel me now ♪

♪ You're a black light ♪

♪ And I've been doin'
something dirty, baby ♪

♪ It's a hot night ♪

♪ The way that you're moving
got me all wavy ♪

♪ You're a black light ♪

♪ And I've been doing
somethin' dirty, baby ♪

♪ I just want you
to see my bad need ♪

♪ And if you want it
you can have me ♪

♪ I don't wanna trouble you ♪

♪ But you have seemed
to trouble me now ♪

♪ I know there's so many bodies
in here ♪

♪ I just want yours around ♪

♪ Do you see my eyes,
can you feel my heat ♪

♪ Do I make your knees quake
to the beat ♪

♪ Of all this rhythm
that I'm makin' ♪

♪ My arms are open,
you can take it ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ You're a black light ♪

♪ And I've been doing
somethin' dirty, baby ♪

♪ It's a hot night ♪

♪ The way that you're moving
got me all wavy ♪

♪ You're a black light ♪

♪ And I've been doing
somethin' dirty, baby ♪

♪ I just want you
to see my bad need ♪

♪ And if you want it
you can have me ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Have me, have me ♪

♪ And if you want it
you can have me ♪

♪ Have me, have me ♪

♪ And if you want it
you can have me ♪

♪ Have me, have me, baby ♪

♪ And if you want it
you can have me ♪

♪ Have me, yeah ♪

♪ And if you want it
you can have me ♪