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1
00:00:00,200 --> 00:00:03,759
MUSIC: 'I Only Wanna Be With You'
2
00:00:21,039 --> 00:00:23,199
OK, here's another one for you.
3
00:00:23,239 --> 00:00:25,160
Who would win in a fight
4
00:00:25,199 --> 00:00:28,519
between Meghan Markle
and Kate Middleton?
5
00:00:28,559 --> 00:00:31,199
Despite their differences,
I think it is highly unlikely
6
00:00:31,239 --> 00:00:32,920
that they would engage
in a fistfight.
7
00:00:32,960 --> 00:00:35,679
You really don't get this game,
do you?
8
00:00:36,679 --> 00:00:38,359
Well, who do you think would win?
9
00:00:38,399 --> 00:00:40,799
Er, I would go for Kate Middleton
10
00:00:40,840 --> 00:00:44,039
because she has a longer reach
and she went to uni in Scotland.
11
00:00:45,079 --> 00:00:46,719
All right, how about this one?
12
00:00:46,759 --> 00:00:51,119
Er, who would win in a fight
between Mary Berry and...
13
00:00:51,159 --> 00:00:52,679
Gordon Ramsay?
14
00:00:52,719 --> 00:00:54,479
Again, I see no reason
why they would fight,
15
00:00:54,520 --> 00:00:56,000
they are both reasonable people.
16
00:00:57,079 --> 00:00:59,240
You've never seen Gordon Ramsay,
have you?
17
00:01:01,039 --> 00:01:02,840
People are scum!
18
00:01:02,880 --> 00:01:05,159
And that was thought for the day.
19
00:01:05,200 --> 00:01:07,799
Someone's only nicked Mum's bench.
20
00:01:07,840 --> 00:01:08,879
What?
21
00:01:08,920 --> 00:01:11,400
Well, come and see for yourself.
22
00:01:11,439 --> 00:01:13,719
Koji, you're in charge.
23
00:01:16,400 --> 00:01:19,159
Nobody'd steal a bench,
not even here.
24
00:01:19,200 --> 00:01:22,359
Medium said someone once stole
a traffic island.
25
00:01:22,400 --> 00:01:24,200
A traffic island, yeah.
26
00:01:24,239 --> 00:01:27,120
And the war memorial,
someone did steal that.
27
00:01:27,159 --> 00:01:30,920
And somebody stole the pier
for the scrap metal.
28
00:01:30,959 --> 00:01:33,120
It used to be much longer.
29
00:01:34,680 --> 00:01:36,200
I don't believe it.
30
00:01:37,519 --> 00:01:39,640
I'm so sorry, Auntie.
31
00:01:40,719 --> 00:01:44,040
Some people, they'll steal anything
that's not bolted down.
32
00:01:45,159 --> 00:01:47,079
It was bolted down.
33
00:01:50,640 --> 00:01:52,079
Isn't that it?
34
00:01:53,640 --> 00:01:55,519
It's been vandalised!
35
00:01:55,560 --> 00:01:56,599
Vandalised?
36
00:01:56,640 --> 00:01:59,400
Well, someone's repainted it,
that's vandalism.
37
00:01:59,439 --> 00:02:01,359
Wasn't yellow your mum's
favourite colour?
38
00:02:01,400 --> 00:02:03,560
Well, yeah, but not that yellow.
39
00:02:04,719 --> 00:02:06,879
She liked proper yellowy yellow.
40
00:02:06,920 --> 00:02:08,439
It's actually a nicer view,
you know,
41
00:02:08,479 --> 00:02:10,000
it's not overlooking the car park.
42
00:02:10,039 --> 00:02:12,159
The car park's what Mum liked.
43
00:02:12,199 --> 00:02:14,879
She used to love sitting
watching the mods and rockers
44
00:02:14,919 --> 00:02:17,360
beating the crap out of one another.
45
00:02:17,400 --> 00:02:20,560
It is... This has got Councillor
Bone's mucky fingerprints
46
00:02:20,599 --> 00:02:22,919
all over it.
I'm gonna have words with her.
47
00:02:24,120 --> 00:02:26,120
Think I know what those words
are gonna be.
48
00:02:27,240 --> 00:02:29,360
But it's got milk in it,
49
00:02:29,400 --> 00:02:32,680
so surely cheese is good
for bone density.
50
00:02:32,719 --> 00:02:35,039
Yes, but not if it is applied
externally.
51
00:02:36,400 --> 00:02:39,240
Anyway, just...
Why are you standing up?
52
00:02:39,280 --> 00:02:40,840
My Fitbit told me to.
53
00:02:42,280 --> 00:02:44,879
Now it's telling me
to go for a walk.
54
00:02:44,919 --> 00:02:47,039
Yes, you should do that.
55
00:02:47,080 --> 00:02:48,759
DOOR OPENS
56
00:02:48,800 --> 00:02:51,280
I never thought it'd still be here!
57
00:02:51,319 --> 00:02:53,039
Same curtains, same lino.
58
00:02:53,080 --> 00:02:55,639
Ha, same plastic lobster.
59
00:02:55,680 --> 00:02:57,159
Go on, here y'are.
60
00:02:57,199 --> 00:02:58,800
Ha!
61
00:02:58,840 --> 00:03:00,840
Can I advise you
not to take any selfies
62
00:03:00,879 --> 00:03:02,159
once the proprietor returns?
63
00:03:02,199 --> 00:03:03,960
That's fourth on the banned list
64
00:03:04,000 --> 00:03:06,759
after humming, burping,
and sticking up for Gwyneth Paltrow.
65
00:03:08,319 --> 00:03:09,599
That's a new entry.
66
00:03:09,639 --> 00:03:11,039
So who is the proprietor?
67
00:03:11,080 --> 00:03:12,280
Well...
DOOR OPENS
68
00:03:12,319 --> 00:03:14,240
Whenever I sat on that bench,
69
00:03:14,280 --> 00:03:17,680
I always felt Mum was there
sitting next to me.
70
00:03:17,719 --> 00:03:19,879
Now she's standing there shouting,
71
00:03:19,919 --> 00:03:22,479
"Who's moved me sodding bench?!"
I'm gonna...
72
00:03:23,599 --> 00:03:24,879
Hello, stranger.
73
00:03:26,759 --> 00:03:28,000
Uncle Dennis.
74
00:03:28,039 --> 00:03:30,000
You're still here.
75
00:03:30,039 --> 00:03:32,400
Katie Cupcake.
76
00:03:32,439 --> 00:03:34,199
What are you doing here?
77
00:03:34,240 --> 00:03:36,080
I wanted to show Rosa the old place.
78
00:03:36,120 --> 00:03:38,000
I'm Rosa. Hello.
79
00:03:38,039 --> 00:03:40,919
Rosa is the most important person
in my life.
80
00:03:42,759 --> 00:03:44,919
She your carer?
81
00:03:46,159 --> 00:03:50,360
See, I told you,
great sense of humour.
82
00:03:50,400 --> 00:03:53,319
Guys used to ask,
"Why on earth did you marry Kate?"
83
00:03:53,360 --> 00:03:56,080
And I'd tell them, she's got
this great sense of humour.
84
00:03:56,120 --> 00:03:58,120
Rosa is my wife.
85
00:03:58,159 --> 00:04:00,360
Why is she taking photos?
86
00:04:00,400 --> 00:04:05,879
I'm sorry, your cafe is so cute,
it's like a museum of the past.
87
00:04:10,240 --> 00:04:11,560
What are you looking at?
88
00:04:12,599 --> 00:04:14,599
It's like she's looking through me
at something,
89
00:04:14,639 --> 00:04:16,519
but there's nothing there.
You'll be fine,
90
00:04:16,560 --> 00:04:18,839
maybe just don't say anything else
for a little while.
91
00:04:18,879 --> 00:04:21,519
HE SPEAKS SPANISH
92
00:04:24,680 --> 00:04:28,079
No digas eso.
You speak Spanish?
93
00:04:28,120 --> 00:04:31,040
Evening classes. I'd already learned
French and Italian,
94
00:04:31,079 --> 00:04:33,000
and Spanish is just Italian
with a lisp.
95
00:04:35,680 --> 00:04:37,439
Rosa's your wife?
Yeah.
96
00:04:37,480 --> 00:04:39,920
She's a doctor of economics.
97
00:04:39,959 --> 00:04:43,079
She speaks five languages,
don't you, darling? Mm-hm.
98
00:04:43,120 --> 00:04:45,800
My dive business means
that we have to split our time
99
00:04:45,839 --> 00:04:48,000
between the Seychelles
and the Florida Keys,
100
00:04:48,040 --> 00:04:50,399
and we are on a bit
of a European tour.
101
00:04:50,439 --> 00:04:52,959
Oh, is that right?
Yeah.
102
00:04:53,000 --> 00:04:54,839
So, how about you, Katie?
103
00:04:54,879 --> 00:04:56,720
You still in that same little flat?
104
00:04:56,759 --> 00:04:58,680
Er... yes.
105
00:04:58,720 --> 00:05:00,680
And still unattached?
106
00:05:01,759 --> 00:05:03,639
No, I'm engaged.
107
00:05:06,279 --> 00:05:07,839
To Koji here.
108
00:05:17,600 --> 00:05:19,199
He's a doctor.
109
00:05:19,240 --> 00:05:21,399
Yeah, a proper one. Medical one.
110
00:05:21,439 --> 00:05:25,639
And, er, we're getting married
next summer, aren't we, darling?
111
00:05:30,800 --> 00:05:31,959
Yes.
112
00:05:33,360 --> 00:05:35,800
We are very much in love.
113
00:05:39,439 --> 00:05:41,680
We are lovebirds.
114
00:05:41,720 --> 00:05:44,040
Lovebirds.
SHE CHUCKLES
115
00:05:45,279 --> 00:05:46,279
Yeah.
116
00:05:46,319 --> 00:05:49,040
Congratulate them, Dennis.
Yeah!
117
00:05:49,079 --> 00:05:50,480
Congratulations.
118
00:05:50,519 --> 00:05:53,439
So, you're quite a bit older
than him, then?
119
00:05:53,480 --> 00:05:56,240
Yeah, he's 42.
Rosa's 34.
120
00:05:56,279 --> 00:05:59,399
So just under half your age.
121
00:05:59,439 --> 00:06:01,160
Just over, actually.
Under.
122
00:06:02,360 --> 00:06:04,279
He always was crap at maths.
123
00:06:04,319 --> 00:06:06,600
And everything else, you'll find.
124
00:06:07,680 --> 00:06:08,680
Kate.
125
00:06:08,720 --> 00:06:11,759
You cannot take part
in my annual charity quiz tonight
126
00:06:11,800 --> 00:06:14,480
unless you register
your team members online.
127
00:06:14,519 --> 00:06:16,120
And may I remind you...
128
00:06:16,160 --> 00:06:18,120
Oh, hello, Dennis.
129
00:06:18,160 --> 00:06:20,399
Rosa.
You know each other?
130
00:06:20,439 --> 00:06:22,360
Yeah, we kept in touch
through LinkedIn.
131
00:06:22,399 --> 00:06:25,600
It's a networking site
for successful business people.
132
00:06:26,639 --> 00:06:29,000
Talking of successful
business people,
133
00:06:29,040 --> 00:06:31,399
I've got a friend...
I doubt that.
134
00:06:31,439 --> 00:06:33,560
..big in the CBI, has an MBE,
135
00:06:33,600 --> 00:06:36,000
and he might be interested
in buying your little cafe.
136
00:06:36,040 --> 00:06:39,360
"Caf". We don't use poncey French
words here.
137
00:06:39,399 --> 00:06:41,000
That's a little bit racist.
138
00:06:41,040 --> 00:06:44,480
No, I think you'll find you can't
be racist against the French.
139
00:06:47,399 --> 00:06:49,759
Poor old Kate's
in financial difficulties.
140
00:06:49,800 --> 00:06:53,079
I could help you out,
for old times' sake.
141
00:06:53,120 --> 00:06:55,040
I'm quite cash-rich at the moment.
142
00:06:55,079 --> 00:06:59,279
Yeah? Well, you can use it to sue
however did your hair transplant.
143
00:07:01,240 --> 00:07:03,040
Ha-ha, funny!
144
00:07:03,079 --> 00:07:06,199
Yeah, where did they graft
that from? Your arse crack?
145
00:07:08,240 --> 00:07:11,399
Ha-ha-ha! Got me again!
146
00:07:11,439 --> 00:07:14,040
Oh, come on, Katie, let me help.
147
00:07:14,079 --> 00:07:16,439
You tell her,
she might listen to her fiance.
148
00:07:17,800 --> 00:07:19,040
Fiance?
149
00:07:19,079 --> 00:07:23,680
Yes, we've fallen in love
and we're getting married.
150
00:07:23,720 --> 00:07:27,680
Oh, I see, you're marrying him
so he can stay in the country.
151
00:07:27,720 --> 00:07:29,560
Oh, right, got you.
152
00:07:29,600 --> 00:07:31,519
It's a marriage of convenience.
153
00:07:31,560 --> 00:07:35,920
No, it's a genuine
romantic love match.
154
00:07:35,959 --> 00:07:38,920
We have a very physical
relationship,
155
00:07:38,959 --> 00:07:40,519
don't we, darling?
156
00:07:46,360 --> 00:07:47,360
Yes.
157
00:07:49,720 --> 00:07:52,040
We are lovebirds.
158
00:07:54,399 --> 00:07:56,120
Really?
159
00:07:56,160 --> 00:08:00,360
Well, I was talking to a senior
Home Office policymaker,
160
00:08:00,399 --> 00:08:01,560
OBE KCB,
161
00:08:01,600 --> 00:08:06,000
and he told me there's going to be
a major crackdown on fake marriages.
162
00:08:06,040 --> 00:08:09,439
So make sure you get your stories
straight, lovebirds.
163
00:08:09,480 --> 00:08:12,680
Oi, er, just a second, you.
164
00:08:12,720 --> 00:08:14,920
You moved my mum's bench.
What?
165
00:08:14,959 --> 00:08:16,680
That's a bit below my pay grade,
Kate.
166
00:08:16,720 --> 00:08:19,839
But yes, Seagate is making space
167
00:08:19,879 --> 00:08:22,199
for a brilliant new
interactive information hub.
168
00:08:22,240 --> 00:08:24,680
We cannot be out-hubbed by Clapton.
169
00:08:24,720 --> 00:08:29,199
The plaque on the bench reads
"Joan Abbott loved to sit here".
170
00:08:29,240 --> 00:08:31,720
Not "Joan Abbott
loved to sit over there
171
00:08:31,759 --> 00:08:34,000
"next to the interactive
information hub".
172
00:08:34,039 --> 00:08:37,440
Well... And you can scrape off
that disgusting yellow paint,
173
00:08:37,480 --> 00:08:39,000
or know someone who will.
174
00:08:39,039 --> 00:08:42,159
I mean, they don't have an OBE
but they do have a blowtorch.
175
00:08:43,320 --> 00:08:45,639
This town's been brown for too long.
176
00:08:45,679 --> 00:08:48,080
Our rebranding consultant's
presented us
177
00:08:48,120 --> 00:08:51,480
with a vibrant themed palette
of pink and yellow.
178
00:08:51,519 --> 00:08:54,240
Focus groups associate
pink and yellow with...
179
00:08:54,279 --> 00:08:55,600
Rhubarb?
180
00:08:56,600 --> 00:09:00,559
You know, Kate...
Erm, a princess drowning in puss?
181
00:09:00,600 --> 00:09:03,200
This attitude...
Septic flamingos?
182
00:09:03,240 --> 00:09:05,919
This attitude's why your cafe's
failing.
183
00:09:10,159 --> 00:09:12,039
It's not failing.
184
00:09:12,080 --> 00:09:15,639
All my economic indicators
are indicating,
185
00:09:15,679 --> 00:09:18,279
er, an economic up-spike.
186
00:09:18,320 --> 00:09:19,399
Ain't that right?
187
00:09:19,440 --> 00:09:20,440
Hm?
188
00:09:21,559 --> 00:09:25,000
Sorry, I'm still processing
the princess drowning in puss.
189
00:09:26,519 --> 00:09:27,519
MOBILE PHONE RINGS
190
00:09:27,559 --> 00:09:29,279
Oh, I'd better take this outside.
191
00:09:29,320 --> 00:09:31,480
It's the National Trust
about their stone circle.
192
00:09:31,519 --> 00:09:34,000
They want me to put up
a druid-proof fence.
193
00:09:34,039 --> 00:09:36,480
Come on, you can tell me.
194
00:09:36,519 --> 00:09:38,759
It's a marriage of convenience,
yeah?
195
00:09:38,799 --> 00:09:40,440
No, it isn't.
196
00:09:40,480 --> 00:09:42,840
SPEAKS SPANISH
197
00:09:42,879 --> 00:09:43,879
KOJI SPEAKS SPANISH
198
00:09:43,919 --> 00:09:48,120
Does everyone here speak
bloody Spanish, apart from me?
199
00:09:50,559 --> 00:09:53,440
I'm surprised you didn't mention it,
200
00:09:53,480 --> 00:09:56,120
seeing as we spend
so much time together.
201
00:09:56,159 --> 00:09:59,440
As it happens,
I speak several languages,
202
00:09:59,480 --> 00:10:00,759
but I didn't mention it
203
00:10:00,799 --> 00:10:03,799
because I didn't want you
to feel inferior, darling.
204
00:10:07,120 --> 00:10:08,320
Inferior?
205
00:10:08,360 --> 00:10:10,039
Now, now, let's not have
a lovers' tiff.
206
00:10:10,080 --> 00:10:12,879
No, this isn't a lovers' tiff.
It feels like a lovers' tiff.
207
00:10:12,919 --> 00:10:15,279
Well, that's perhaps because
you called me inferior.
208
00:10:15,320 --> 00:10:17,480
WATCH BEEPS
Oh, we'd better head off.
209
00:10:17,519 --> 00:10:21,320
I've booked Rosa a champagne
helicopter flight along the coast.
210
00:10:21,360 --> 00:10:25,559
Well, let's face it, Essex is best
seen from 1,000 feet up.
211
00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:28,279
Adios, amiga.
212
00:10:29,279 --> 00:10:30,480
How about a goodbye kiss?
213
00:10:30,519 --> 00:10:32,480
SHE LAUGHS
214
00:10:32,519 --> 00:10:35,000
I should have listened to my mum.
215
00:10:35,039 --> 00:10:37,159
She said you were a flash git.
216
00:10:37,200 --> 00:10:38,480
Yeah.
217
00:10:38,519 --> 00:10:40,159
At our wedding reception.
218
00:10:41,360 --> 00:10:43,120
During her speech.
219
00:10:43,159 --> 00:10:45,279
Her spontaneous speech.
220
00:10:45,320 --> 00:10:47,840
I moved to Aberdeen for you,
221
00:10:47,879 --> 00:10:50,960
which meant I wasn't here
when she had her heart attack.
222
00:10:51,000 --> 00:10:52,600
Are you still going on about that?
223
00:10:52,639 --> 00:10:54,879
I put you before her.
224
00:10:54,919 --> 00:10:56,759
You!
SHE CHUCKLES
225
00:10:56,799 --> 00:10:58,240
Can you believe that?
226
00:10:58,279 --> 00:10:59,759
Well...
227
00:10:59,799 --> 00:11:01,159
Yeah.
228
00:11:03,200 --> 00:11:05,159
SPEAKS SPANISH
229
00:11:06,720 --> 00:11:08,120
Adios, Katie.
230
00:11:11,360 --> 00:11:15,200
Marrying you was the worst mistake
I ever made!
231
00:11:15,240 --> 00:11:17,480
And it's a very long list.
232
00:11:18,559 --> 00:11:19,759
Why did you do it?
233
00:11:19,799 --> 00:11:23,600
Well, I suppose he was
a bit glamorous.
234
00:11:23,639 --> 00:11:25,320
He was a North Sea diver...
235
00:11:25,360 --> 00:11:27,639
Not marry Dennis,
why did you say we were engaged?
236
00:11:27,679 --> 00:11:28,840
Oh, that?
Yes, that.
237
00:11:28,879 --> 00:11:30,559
You only think of yourself.
238
00:11:30,600 --> 00:11:33,000
I have to say, that is the stupidest
thing I've seen you do.
239
00:11:33,039 --> 00:11:35,360
And that includes glueing yourself
to that submarine.
240
00:11:35,399 --> 00:11:37,960
I'm having my meeting
with immigration next week
241
00:11:38,000 --> 00:11:39,600
and I don't want some stupid rumour
242
00:11:39,639 --> 00:11:42,159
about some stupid marriage
of convenience hanging over me.
243
00:11:42,200 --> 00:11:43,519
Is your lawyer going with you?
244
00:11:43,559 --> 00:11:46,039
No, she's in court,
an assault charge.
245
00:11:46,080 --> 00:11:47,960
Maybe she can get another lawyer
to cover that.
246
00:11:48,000 --> 00:11:49,960
No, she's in court
on an assault charge.
247
00:11:51,360 --> 00:11:53,519
She is very passionate
about asylum issues.
248
00:11:53,559 --> 00:11:56,320
But she shouldn't have hit the judge
with his own gavel.
249
00:11:56,360 --> 00:12:00,240
It'll be fine, it's only us
and Dennis who know.
250
00:12:00,279 --> 00:12:02,960
And Rosa.
OK, us, Dennis and Rosa.
251
00:12:03,000 --> 00:12:04,480
And Councillor Bone.
Yeah, but...
252
00:12:04,519 --> 00:12:06,360
And me.
And me.
253
00:12:06,399 --> 00:12:07,879
OK, OK, us, Dennis,
254
00:12:07,919 --> 00:12:10,600
Rosa, Councillor Bone and you two,
but that's...
255
00:12:10,639 --> 00:12:12,360
Congrats on the wedding, you two!
256
00:12:12,399 --> 00:12:13,799
Get out!
OK.
257
00:12:15,480 --> 00:12:17,480
Don't give me that face.
258
00:12:17,519 --> 00:12:20,320
Anyway, you didn't have
to go along with it.
259
00:12:20,360 --> 00:12:22,000
Well...
CLEARS THROAT
260
00:12:22,039 --> 00:12:25,000
I didn't want to see you humiliated
by that... that...
261
00:12:25,039 --> 00:12:26,360
preening popinjay.
262
00:12:26,399 --> 00:12:28,919
Oh, thanks, Koji.
263
00:12:30,159 --> 00:12:32,919
Look, it'll be fine,
we'll just stage an argument
264
00:12:32,960 --> 00:12:35,080
and I'll split up with you.
265
00:12:35,120 --> 00:12:38,200
For it to be believable,
I should split up with you.
266
00:12:39,559 --> 00:12:41,200
Really?
I'm a doctor.
267
00:12:41,240 --> 00:12:43,240
Yeah, a doctor in my cafe.
I'm younger than you.
268
00:12:43,279 --> 00:12:44,879
What's that got to do with anything?
269
00:12:44,919 --> 00:12:46,679
A doctor would break up
with a cafe owner.
270
00:12:46,720 --> 00:12:49,159
All right, OK, OK, you can dump me.
271
00:12:50,240 --> 00:12:52,159
And when will this splitting up
happen?
272
00:12:52,200 --> 00:12:54,200
Er... tonight?
273
00:12:54,240 --> 00:12:55,759
After the charity quiz.
274
00:12:55,799 --> 00:12:59,480
I'll just start
a big sweary argument
275
00:12:59,519 --> 00:13:01,320
over one of the questions.
276
00:13:01,360 --> 00:13:03,840
Let's face it,
that's gonna happen anyway.
277
00:13:11,120 --> 00:13:13,000
All right, if pressed,
278
00:13:13,039 --> 00:13:17,080
I'd say that Jeremy Clarkson would
win in a fight with Greta Thunberg.
279
00:13:17,120 --> 00:13:18,480
Really?
280
00:13:18,519 --> 00:13:20,480
You're the first one to say that.
281
00:13:20,519 --> 00:13:24,440
What Dennis said in Spanish earlier,
282
00:13:24,480 --> 00:13:26,279
when he grinned,
283
00:13:26,320 --> 00:13:27,960
that was about me, wasn't it?
284
00:13:28,000 --> 00:13:30,480
What did he say?
Well, erm...
285
00:13:31,519 --> 00:13:34,960
OK, come on, Koji, you speak
Spanish. What did he say?
286
00:13:37,240 --> 00:13:39,759
You have to tell me.
Why?
287
00:13:39,799 --> 00:13:41,919
Cos we're engaged.
288
00:13:43,559 --> 00:13:46,080
Come on, you know
you're a terrible liar.
289
00:13:46,120 --> 00:13:47,559
You should have thought of that
290
00:13:47,600 --> 00:13:51,159
before you made me pretend that we
have a very physical relationship.
291
00:13:51,200 --> 00:13:53,759
I'm just curious, I won't be upset.
292
00:13:53,799 --> 00:13:54,840
He said that...
293
00:13:56,120 --> 00:13:58,440
..you had not aged well.
294
00:14:01,279 --> 00:14:03,120
Well, he can talk.
295
00:14:03,159 --> 00:14:07,039
His face is like a giant
spray-painted testicle.
296
00:14:09,759 --> 00:14:10,919
PHONE RINGS
297
00:14:13,240 --> 00:14:15,759
Spence, are you...
298
00:14:15,799 --> 00:14:18,120
Now, just breathe...
299
00:14:19,200 --> 00:14:21,399
In and out.
300
00:14:21,440 --> 00:14:23,320
That's it.
301
00:14:23,360 --> 00:14:25,879
Why would you have to move out?
302
00:14:27,000 --> 00:14:30,600
No, I'm not getting married.
Where did you hear that?
303
00:14:32,279 --> 00:14:33,600
What do you mean, everywhere?
304
00:14:33,639 --> 00:14:35,360
The only where you know
is your bedroom.
305
00:14:36,360 --> 00:14:38,639
Oh, I'm sorry, Spence,
306
00:14:38,679 --> 00:14:42,000
no, I didn't mean to trigger
your self-loathing issues.
307
00:14:42,039 --> 00:14:43,919
Good call, by the way.
308
00:14:43,960 --> 00:14:45,240
Hm?
309
00:14:45,279 --> 00:14:47,440
Not telling her what Dennis
really said in Spanish.
310
00:14:48,720 --> 00:14:50,240
Why did their marriage end?
311
00:14:50,279 --> 00:14:53,320
Er, I'd say primarily
it's because he was a bigamist.
312
00:14:54,320 --> 00:14:56,000
She's not a great picker.
313
00:14:56,039 --> 00:14:57,759
That is quite bad picking.
314
00:14:57,799 --> 00:15:01,279
Yeah. Not as bad as the gay Mormon
arsonist, but that's another story.
315
00:15:01,320 --> 00:15:04,120
Who told you all this?
316
00:15:04,159 --> 00:15:06,879
Well, don't listen to her,
she's an idiot.
317
00:15:08,960 --> 00:15:11,519
When did she become your girlfriend?
318
00:15:12,600 --> 00:15:15,480
Oh, no, that's lovely.
319
00:15:15,519 --> 00:15:18,559
Have you met her offline?
320
00:15:18,600 --> 00:15:20,840
Right, I have one for you.
321
00:15:20,879 --> 00:15:24,600
Who would win in a fight between
Tyson Fury and Anthony Joshua?
322
00:15:25,799 --> 00:15:27,759
But they would fight, wouldn't they?
I mean...
323
00:15:29,360 --> 00:15:32,200
They're boxers. You really haven't
got the hang of this, have you?
324
00:15:33,679 --> 00:15:36,519
Right, let's go to her stupid
charity quiz.
325
00:15:36,559 --> 00:15:38,840
We've got a good chance of winning
this year.
326
00:15:38,879 --> 00:15:42,519
Our new signing here
knows about medicine and science,
327
00:15:42,559 --> 00:15:45,120
and you know a surprising amount
328
00:15:45,159 --> 00:15:48,559
for someone who spent most of his
school days down the pub.
329
00:15:48,600 --> 00:15:50,799
But most importantly,
330
00:15:50,840 --> 00:15:55,519
I've got photographs of Councillor
Bone at a fancy dress party
331
00:15:55,559 --> 00:15:57,559
dressed as Bob Marley.
332
00:16:01,000 --> 00:16:04,120
And once again,
congrats to the winners!
333
00:16:05,120 --> 00:16:06,519
Second again.
334
00:16:06,559 --> 00:16:08,039
By one point.
335
00:16:08,080 --> 00:16:10,240
That's your fault, you moron.
336
00:16:11,639 --> 00:16:14,159
Oh, I get it,
this is us pretending to split up.
337
00:16:14,200 --> 00:16:16,519
No, this is me saying
you're a moron.
338
00:16:16,559 --> 00:16:20,200
You're a doctor,
you screwed up the medical question.
339
00:16:20,240 --> 00:16:22,679
I thought she said oaty
but apparently she said optic.
340
00:16:22,720 --> 00:16:24,639
Her diction was really poor.
We should appeal.
341
00:16:24,679 --> 00:16:27,440
It's a bit late now,
the cup's already been presented
342
00:16:27,480 --> 00:16:29,360
to Councillor bloody Bone.
343
00:16:29,399 --> 00:16:31,120
Let's not...
And Dennis.
344
00:16:31,159 --> 00:16:33,679
When did she rope him onto her team?
345
00:16:33,720 --> 00:16:35,399
Oh, it was horrible.
346
00:16:35,440 --> 00:16:37,440
When they went up to get it,
I had to clap.
347
00:16:37,480 --> 00:16:40,320
Well, very, very slowly.
348
00:16:40,360 --> 00:16:42,320
Clapping is clapping.
349
00:16:42,360 --> 00:16:44,720
Yeah, but what I think people
will remember is the abuse.
350
00:16:46,039 --> 00:16:48,200
Anyway, she cheats,
she looks up the answers
351
00:16:48,240 --> 00:16:50,559
on her phone when she goes
to the toilet. Well...
352
00:16:50,600 --> 00:16:52,399
Oh, come on.
353
00:16:52,440 --> 00:16:56,159
She got the answer to who wrote
Quiet Flows The Don.
354
00:16:56,200 --> 00:16:57,759
She wouldn't know the answer
355
00:16:57,799 --> 00:17:00,200
to who wrote
The Diary Of Anne Frank.
356
00:17:02,960 --> 00:17:04,200
Excuse me, doc.
357
00:17:04,240 --> 00:17:06,079
I'm not on duty.
358
00:17:06,119 --> 00:17:08,680
It's just I've got this
boily thing in, well,
359
00:17:08,720 --> 00:17:11,119
a bothersome place. See.
360
00:17:11,160 --> 00:17:12,440
Oh, Jesus!
Ew!
361
00:17:12,480 --> 00:17:14,200
That is disgusting!
362
00:17:14,240 --> 00:17:15,920
How did you manage
to take that photo?
363
00:17:15,960 --> 00:17:17,599
A selfie stick.
364
00:17:19,359 --> 00:17:22,559
Should I email it to my GP?
Only if you want to get arrested.
365
00:17:22,599 --> 00:17:24,759
Doc.
Please, I'm not working.
366
00:17:24,799 --> 00:17:26,559
Come and talk to me tomorrow, eh?
367
00:17:26,599 --> 00:17:28,960
Still annoyed about
that music round.
368
00:17:29,000 --> 00:17:31,680
I should have known that was
Status Quo being played backwards
369
00:17:31,720 --> 00:17:34,200
because it didn't really sound
any different.
370
00:17:34,240 --> 00:17:36,119
Hard luck, Katie.
371
00:17:36,160 --> 00:17:38,079
One point.
372
00:17:38,119 --> 00:17:39,680
I mean, it was so close.
373
00:17:39,720 --> 00:17:41,440
I'm treating everyone to champers.
374
00:17:41,480 --> 00:17:44,519
Who wants some?
Free alcohol, what's not to like?
375
00:17:44,559 --> 00:17:46,160
Katie?
376
00:17:47,319 --> 00:17:48,799
I'll take that as a no.
377
00:17:48,839 --> 00:17:52,119
So, Koji, to you and Kate.
378
00:17:52,160 --> 00:17:53,160
Yes, to us.
379
00:17:53,200 --> 00:17:55,599
It'll be great.
380
00:17:55,640 --> 00:17:57,480
Winter evenings by the fire,
381
00:17:57,519 --> 00:17:59,359
summer afternoons out in her garden.
382
00:17:59,400 --> 00:18:01,319
Yes, I like her garden.
She hasn't got a garden.
383
00:18:02,519 --> 00:18:04,160
You've never been there, have you?
384
00:18:05,799 --> 00:18:08,839
I should never have gone along
with this ludicrous fiction.
385
00:18:08,880 --> 00:18:11,880
Uncle Dennis, how about being
the bigger man here and not...
386
00:18:11,920 --> 00:18:14,240
Rubbing Katie's nose in it?
Yes.
387
00:18:14,279 --> 00:18:16,400
You all right, sweetheart?
388
00:18:16,440 --> 00:18:17,720
Yes.
389
00:18:17,759 --> 00:18:20,799
Well, I think we should probably
be heading home.
390
00:18:20,839 --> 00:18:24,720
How about I heat up that lasagne?
391
00:18:27,000 --> 00:18:29,559
Fine.
Oh, this is brilliant!
392
00:18:29,599 --> 00:18:32,559
I could listen to this all day.
393
00:18:32,599 --> 00:18:35,839
Katie, I love that you
tried to impress me.
394
00:18:35,880 --> 00:18:39,359
71 years old and still pretending
to have boyfriends.
395
00:18:39,400 --> 00:18:43,400
So you told Rosa
in your secret Spanish
396
00:18:43,440 --> 00:18:45,680
that I'd aged badly, did you?
'Ey?
397
00:18:45,720 --> 00:18:47,200
Well, so have you,
398
00:18:47,240 --> 00:18:50,319
and parading some arm candy
and painting your face orange
399
00:18:50,359 --> 00:18:52,480
isn't fooling anyone.
400
00:18:52,519 --> 00:18:54,640
He didn't say you aged badly.
401
00:18:54,680 --> 00:18:56,559
He said you were still attracted
to him.
402
00:18:57,720 --> 00:18:59,160
SHE CHUCKLES
403
00:18:59,200 --> 00:19:01,480
Oh, that'll be the day. Ha!
404
00:19:01,519 --> 00:19:03,000
SHE LAUGHS
405
00:19:03,039 --> 00:19:05,160
Yeah, very funny.
406
00:19:05,200 --> 00:19:07,480
Yeah, that's a good one.
407
00:19:07,519 --> 00:19:10,920
Oh, come on, Kate,
this doesn't have to end badly.
408
00:19:10,960 --> 00:19:13,559
Look, let me help financially
with the cafe, hey?
409
00:19:13,599 --> 00:19:15,880
Tart the old girl up,
get her going again.
410
00:19:16,960 --> 00:19:19,400
Come on, Katie Cupcake,
411
00:19:19,440 --> 00:19:21,079
in the end
you know you'll come round.
412
00:19:21,119 --> 00:19:22,119
Step away from her.
413
00:19:22,160 --> 00:19:25,000
Oh, look out! It's Dr Lo-o-ve!
414
00:19:26,079 --> 00:19:27,519
I've met many men like you.
415
00:19:27,559 --> 00:19:30,279
Kate may be grumpy
and slightly strange,
416
00:19:30,319 --> 00:19:31,759
but she's worth ten of you.
417
00:19:31,799 --> 00:19:34,400
You are a controlling,
preening bigamist.
418
00:19:34,440 --> 00:19:36,680
Bigamist?
Bigamo.
419
00:19:36,720 --> 00:19:37,920
And you look ridiculous.
420
00:19:37,960 --> 00:19:40,759
You are nothing but
a masturbating monkey in trousers.
421
00:19:43,759 --> 00:19:46,640
Also, by the bumps you have here
and the uneven nature of your gait,
422
00:19:46,680 --> 00:19:49,559
I'd get yourself checked out
for Hargreaves dystopia.
423
00:19:49,599 --> 00:19:52,240
It's rare but deadly because
your organs eat themselves.
424
00:19:55,000 --> 00:19:56,519
Well, yeah.
425
00:19:56,559 --> 00:19:57,559
Yeah.
426
00:19:57,599 --> 00:19:59,119
I get a lot of jealousy.
427
00:19:59,160 --> 00:20:00,960
Because I am successful,
428
00:20:01,000 --> 00:20:04,400
I am married to a young,
intelligent, cultured,
429
00:20:04,440 --> 00:20:06,960
beautiful lady.
SHE SPEAKS SPANISH
430
00:20:07,000 --> 00:20:08,279
Que?
Bigamo.
431
00:20:08,319 --> 00:20:11,039
THEY ARGUE IN SPANISH
432
00:20:11,079 --> 00:20:13,839
Masturbating monkey in trousers?
433
00:20:14,839 --> 00:20:17,319
Lost something in translation?
No, no.
434
00:20:17,359 --> 00:20:18,559
It was good.
435
00:20:18,599 --> 00:20:20,000
I'm gonna use it.
436
00:20:20,039 --> 00:20:22,440
And, erm, Hargreaves dystopia?
437
00:20:22,480 --> 00:20:23,480
Entirely made up.
438
00:20:23,519 --> 00:20:27,240
I once convinced a Jehovah's Witness
that he had Hopkinson's utopia.
439
00:20:28,400 --> 00:20:30,640
DENNIS SHOUTING
What are they saying?
440
00:20:30,680 --> 00:20:31,880
SPEAKS SPANISH
441
00:20:31,920 --> 00:20:34,599
She's saying
cheating men never change.
442
00:20:34,640 --> 00:20:35,759
SPEAKS SPANISH
443
00:20:35,799 --> 00:20:37,680
I didn't catch that.
444
00:20:37,720 --> 00:20:40,400
I think it was something
about toxic masculinity.
445
00:20:43,400 --> 00:20:45,559
What is this, the Costa Brava?
446
00:20:47,519 --> 00:20:50,880
Now he's saying it's all lies.
447
00:20:50,920 --> 00:20:52,680
She's saying,
"You should know about lies."
448
00:20:52,720 --> 00:20:55,359
Ow!
And now she slapped him.
449
00:20:57,039 --> 00:20:59,000
DENNIS SHOUTS
450
00:20:59,039 --> 00:21:00,480
So...
451
00:21:00,519 --> 00:21:02,480
I'm grumpy and strange, am I?
452
00:21:02,519 --> 00:21:05,039
Grumpy and slightly strange.
453
00:21:06,079 --> 00:21:07,759
Oh, OK, fair enough.
454
00:21:09,359 --> 00:21:12,519
Now, listen, Koji,
I appreciate your support
455
00:21:12,559 --> 00:21:14,720
but don't ever stick up for me
again.
456
00:21:14,759 --> 00:21:16,960
Don't worry, I won't.
And you never stick up for me.
457
00:21:17,000 --> 00:21:18,920
I wasn't intending to.
Glad to hear it.
458
00:21:18,960 --> 00:21:20,920
Good, fine, so no-one's sticking up
for anyone.
459
00:21:20,960 --> 00:21:23,119
Don't think I've forgotten
about you. 'Ey?
460
00:21:23,160 --> 00:21:25,079
You lost us two points
461
00:21:25,119 --> 00:21:27,440
in the 'objects from
an unusual angle' round.
462
00:21:27,480 --> 00:21:29,319
It looked like Eamonn Holmes.
463
00:21:29,359 --> 00:21:32,200
It was a beach ball!
464
00:21:32,240 --> 00:21:34,640
Well, yeah,
but from an unusual angle.
465
00:21:34,680 --> 00:21:37,240
Well, it wasn't even fully inflated.
466
00:21:41,440 --> 00:21:43,440
My lawyers found out
that someone has reported me
467
00:21:43,480 --> 00:21:46,000
for working illegally.
Surgery's closed.
468
00:21:46,039 --> 00:21:47,440
Permanently.
469
00:21:47,480 --> 00:21:51,680
But I wanted the doctor's advice
about erectile dysfunction.
470
00:21:51,720 --> 00:21:54,200
I think you'll find that
that does not affect women.
471
00:21:54,240 --> 00:21:56,440
I think you'll find it does.
472
00:21:57,680 --> 00:21:59,680
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