All language subtitles for Kate And Koji s01e02.eng

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So, I said to her, I said,

"You're a perfectly attractive
young woman."

"Why have you gone
and done that to your face?"

"Your lips look like you've been
attacked by a swarm of bees!"

And what did she say?

Well, it turned out she HAD been
attacked by a swarm of bees, so...

Right. So that's when they asked you
to leave? Yeah.

The groom was quite rude.

Surprising (!)

Yeah. I mean, I let it go,

cos the service was about to start.

Uh-huh.

I don't remember you having
this many customers in February.

I don't remember you having
ANY customers in February.

Are they all here to see the doc?

Yeah. Well, he's doing very nicely
out of it.

Free nosh.

MAN OUTSIDE: Beep, beep! Hey!

Oh, here comes Easy Rider.

HE RINGS BELL

Same time every morning.
He's a menace!

If God had meant us
to ride scooters,

he'd have given us one leg
shorter than the other.

Eh?
I wouldn't mind

if he was ten years old.
Well, you would.

When that ten-year-old ran into you
with his scooter that time,

I remember you... Well...
his mum said he needed counselling.

What is it with you
and all this remembering stuff?

Some of us don't live in the past.

Says the woman who still calls
the Internet "a fad".

Yes, darling, what can I get you?

A flat white, please.

A flat white...?

Coffee?
That's the one.

So...
No, we just do coffee.

Do you do oat milk?

Are you allergic to cows' milk?

No.

Yeah, we do oat milk.

And then there's this.

Now, it does look a bit like eczema.

Because it is eczema.

Though it also looks like impetigo.

But it's eczema.

It bears a passing resemblance
to chickenpox.

Now, come on, Mr Mulholland,
I know you're a regular,

but you've had your ten minutes.

Well, I was hoping
for a more detailed consultation

now I've gone private.

You haven't gone private.
I'm not getting paid!

I only wanted toast.
She made me buy a full English.

I'm not working.

Asylum seekers
get their applications turned down

if they are caught working.

I was hoping you'd take a look
at my fungal patch.

Can you get athlete's foot
on your testicles?

We're not gonna find out today.

Or ever.
I did look up athlete's scrotum...

But I ended up
on a very strange webpage.

Hypochondriacs plus the Internet.

It's paraffin plus a match.

Ah, but very good for business.

Er, Kate?
I am most concerned that...

PINGING SOUND
Oh.

Oh, no, you're all right.
It's the microwave.

I am most concerned that this
unofficial arrangement of ours is...

SHE YELLS:
Side order of hash browns!

BELL RINGS

Morning, all.

That is a...

DOG SNARLS
..very imposing dog, Nicholas.

I'm not Nicholas.
But you're Nick.

Yeah.

See, at school,
I didn't have a nickname,

and I wanted one.

So they called me No Nickname
as a nickname.

But that was too long, so...

it just got shortened to Nick.

Right.
Is Koji short for anything?

No, it's... It's a name.

Yeah, but, you know...
It's just a name.

The thing that people get called.
OK?

OK.

Oi, genius.

What does the sign say?

"A glass of tap water
is a privilege, not a right."

No, not that one.

"No dogs". Out.

Come on, Khaleesi.

Come on.

I think I'm your last patient.
Mm-mm.

I don't have patients. Er...

I chit-chat to customers.

And coincidentally,

that chit-chat may sometimes
involve medical problems.

OK...

What'd you do with the dog?
Tied her up outside.

Er...

She's a big soppy!

She'll be fine.
As long as no-one surprises her.

What, like that chugger did?

He just sort of leapt out!
Hang about.

What, you've just...?

So now I've got a slavering
great psychopath as a bouncer?

But you said...
I might as well have a minefield

on my doorstep.
But I...

Oh, look, just bring her through
and sling her out the back.

OK, yeah. Come on, Khaleesi!

Khaleesi!

What kind of name's that for a dog?

What happened to
those proper dog names, like...

Sabre, and Gnasher, and Fang?

KHALEESI SNARLS

I thought you were painting
those toilets today.

Oh, I was,
but the theatre management

can't decide on
how many genders to add.

With the symptoms you've described,

I think you should get a blood test.

Just to check up
you haven't got something, perhaps,

like hypothyroidism.

So tell my doctor
you said I might have...

Ah, ah! No, no, no.

There's no need to mention me.

Just tell them
you looked it up on the Internet.

Oh, yeah. Doctors love that (!)

PINGING SOUND

Oh, it's OK, it's not a text.

The micro pings
the same as the phone ping.

Well, I can't unping my ping,
so you'll have to reping your pings.

Bye, darling.
Bye.

Bye, Doc.
So, Kate, how do you...

Doc? What do you mean, Doc?

That's Dr Radwan. So, Kate...

Why would a doctor come here?

Well, doctors have to eat.

And we serve
proper home-cooked food,

and none of those
sun-drenched heritage tomatoes.

She's going to report me.

Or curated hand-glazed carrots.

I'm going to put up a sign,

"We serve adjective-free food."

I'll end up on a plane in handcuffs,

and everyone will think
I'm a criminal.

Don't worry, Koji, mate.

Even if she does report you,
you're not actually working.

So, look, I'm sure the immigration
lot'll be reasonable.

Reasonable? I've met them!

Reason requires intelligence.

And they are actually
quite a low class of individuals.

The last official who wrote to me

seemed unaware of
the existence of the apostrophe.

OK, OK,
don't go all Rees-Mogg on us.

All we're saying is that...

PHONE RINGS

Hi, Spencer.

No, no. No, don't get all anxious.

No, no, I know it's your birthday.

I baked you a cake
with a big 19 on it.

SHE CHUCKLES
Yeah, it's in the kitchen.

Well, yes, to see it,

you would have to leave
your bedroom.

That's her grandson.
He lives with her.

He suffers from that thing
that stops you from, er...

Oh, what's it called? Erm...

Oh, yeah. Uselessness.

Don't worry, love.

I'm sure your mum'll phone.

Well, she's in
a different time zone, isn't she?

Yeah. Yeah,
I expect she'll ring you later.

Bye, love.

SHE SIGHS

Oh, hello.

You won't remember me.
I'm your mother.

It's your son's birthday.

Just ring him.

Look, it is better
if I don't come here any more.

No, I mean, you like it here,

away from that hostel.

Look, these consultations,

I have to stop doing them.

Look, you're popular.

People don't like
these new young, smiley doctors.

They like
proper old-fashioned doctors

who are irritable and slightly rude.

No, I am not doing this any more.
Well, at least come in tomorrow.

You've got a big caseload booked in.

You're taking bookings?
No.

No, I was just talking
in a general...

I've come in to inform you that...

Excuse me, Councillor Bone.

I'm in the middle of a conversation
with my good friend, here.

He's still here, then.

How can he afford
to eat here every day?

Maybe these asylum seekers
aren't as poor as they make out.

Leave him alone, he saved my life.

Oh, he's a doctor, isn't he?

That's what I've heard.

And he's not allowed to work
as a doctor.

He saved him from drowning.

Drowning?
Yes, drowning.

Yes, drowning.

He was swept out to sea.
Yeah, by a wave.

A big one.

Are you all trying to make me
look like an idiot?

Nah, there's no challenge in that.

I merely came in here
to inform you...

Keep your voice down, please,

because you're disturbing
my many customers.

I merely came in here to inform you

that you are banned
from all future public meetings.

Ooh! Look, you constantly
disrupted my agenda,

banging on about scooters
on pavements and God knows what.

And when I tried to stop you,
you became abusive.

I was not abusive.

I demand a copy of the minutes.

It's not in the minutes.

The clerk was too upset to
write down the words you called me.

And he was in the Navy.

And don't attempt to attend
any future meetings.

The security guard has your photo.

And if you appear,
he will throw you out.

Norman? With his hips?

I shall be keeping my eye on you.

And you, Dr Baywatch.

Councillor Bone, everyone.

She likes to think she's so much
better than the rest of us.

But I once saw her throw up
into a saxophone.

While someone was playing it.

Well done, Kate. Now this councillor
is keeping an eye on me.

Look, she's just...
No, this is all too risky.

I've made up my mind.
I'm going to end this arrangement.

No, you're overreacting.

This is a perfectly good...
DOOR OPENS.

All right, darling?

Did you leave something behind?

No, I just need to speak with
Dr Akindele.

Oh, my God. It's all right.
We don't know why she's here yet.

Whatever she says, stay cool,
stay calm, and don't panic, OK?

OK.

So...
Don't report me!

That is quite an extreme position,
Auntie.

Well, it's the only answer.

I've met too many men like him,

men who treat women
with reckless disregard.

So you are arguing
that the Prime Minister...

should be neutered?
Yep.

Get Boris done.

Probably make him more focused.

God, Koji looks worried.

So when I heard
about your consultations,

I came here to check
if you were competent.

And you are.

In fact, far more so than
Dr Gravestone in our practice.

Dr Gravestone?
Is that another silly nickname?

No.

No, unfortunately, that is his name.

His nickname is Dignitas.

PHONE RINGS

Spencer! What is it, love?

No, deep breaths, darling.

Deep breaths.

Here's that tea you ordered.

Oh, right. Thank you.

And that'll be �1.20,

cos you don't get stuff for free.

Right.

Anyhow, I was...

So you make sure you pay for that.

I will. So, you were... reassured?

I was, yeah.

You're known as Koji?

Yes.

You're Kojak Akindele?

Yes, my father liked
American detective shows.

Uh-huh.

Kojak Columbo Quincy...

...Cagney Lacey Akindele.

Yes, he liked them a lot.

And my mother
was annoyingly passive.

And you're a doctor.
Yes.

Who's been struck off.

No, no, no. You've made a mistake.

Oh, have I got the wrong

Kojak Columbo Quincy Cagney Lacey
Akindele?

There's no... It's...

He's my brother.

I am Rocky Akindele.

Ro...?!

Rocky?
Mm-hm.

Short for Rockford Akindele.

My father liked American...
Yeah, I've got that.

So why did you take on
your brother's identity?

Well, he was a doctor too.

Honestly, that daughter of mine
still hasn't contacted Spencer.

How can a mother be so brutal
to her own kid?

The stupid cow!

Yeah...

The police in my country
seized my passport.

So I used my brother's passport
to leave the country

and to enter this country.

So why didn't you just explain this
to Immigration when you arrived?

HE SIGHS
I know. I should have.

I just panicked.

Didn't they recognise you were
different in the photograph?

Fortunately,
we all look the same to them.

Yeah. Sometimes unconscious racism
can be so useful.

But what will happen
when your brother needs a passport?

He disappeared.

He won't reappear.

Oh, here's that cup of tea
you ordered earlier.

Mind you remember to pay for it,

because
you don't get stuff for free.

Er, look, Rocky...
It's Koji.

That's how I'm registered
for asylum. It has to be Koji.

I need to check this out.
My signal's really bad.

Erm... Excuse me,
what's your Wi-Fi code?

"Try talking for once",
all lower case.

"Try talking"...

She's mucking about.

There is no Wi-Fi.
Really?

You can usually get 4G
in that corner.

Thanks.

And don't forget to pay
for that toast you had earlier.

Can you stop doing that?
PHONE RINGS.

Hi, Spencer.

No, no, darling, don't get anxious.

What?

What, I can't hear you, love.

Oh, no, I've lost you.
Beep, beep!

Blind old bat!

Grow up!

I don't know.

What happened to
the much-loved British V-sign?

It's sad
when the old traditions die.

I blame the Americans.

And the Italians.

And the French, obviously.

Now, how's he getting on?

I think he's stopped shaking.

Well, Rockford...
oh, sorry, I mean Koji.

You do seem to be qualified.

And I suppose it's nothing to do
with me what you call yourself.

So everything is all right now?

Yeah.

And no.

I got an email yesterday
from Mr Mulholland,

saying he wasn't gonna be
my patient any more.

He was gonna be yours.

So sorry. Please don't report me.

I won't report you,
on one condition.

That I never see him again.

No, I won't report you

on the condition
that I never see him again.

That man has been in and out of
my surgery practically every day

for the last ten years.

He's harder to get rid of
than chlamydia.

So Mr Mulholland is mine?

Yep. Ooh! And while I'm at it...

Same goes for
all of these patients too.

You keep them away from me,
and nothing more needs to be said.

I've never seen a Mr Panathanides.

CHUCKLING: You will.

His party piece is to present
with all the symptoms of lockjaw.

Present for you.

And, um...

Obviously, this conversation
never took place.

I really wouldn't wanna be
in your shoes.

Good luck.

Yes. The asylum process is very...

No, I was thinking about
Mr Mulholland.

Oh, and, um, don't forget
to charge him for those teas.

I think Dr Radwan sort of likes you.

Apart from
the whole blackmail thing.

Yes, that's always
a sign of affection.

I suppose this does mean

you'll have to keep seeing patients
here.

She's lent me a stethoscope
and a blood pressure monitor.

Well, you can't be seen using them.

You'll have to use them
in the toilet.

Oh, what a good idea (!)

In fact, I think that's part of

the infection prevention
protocol (!)

Always examine patients
in the toilet (!)

Always do operations in abattoirs,

and sterilise instruments
in dead fish (!)

Where'd that come from?

He's had a very stressful day.

I've had a stressful day!

I think
he's had the more stressful day.

And who made you
VAR of stressful days?

PHONE RINGS
Spencer!

Don't worry, love, she'll call.

The "she" is Kate's daughter,
my cousin.

She's in that family photo,
up on the, er...

Oh, no, she's been cut out.

Look, Koji, um...

I'm really sorry about your brother.

Thank you.

Nobody must know I took his name.

If the immigration people
find out...

Don't worry.
I'm a well-known blabbermouth,

but for this,
I will make an exception.

Thank you.

Kate didn't hear?

No, no, no, you're good.

Oh, found you.

So your real name's Rockford?
Yes.

Rockford Magnum Starsky Hutch...

Abilola Akindele.

Yes.

Abilola.

So your mum managed to get
one family name in, then?

No, he was an African TV detective.

Really? No, I got you.
Ah!

SEAGULLS SQUAWK

KHALEESI WHINES

And according to this podcast,
94% of the universe is missing.

It's just empty nothingness.
Can you imagine that?

Yeah.

Well, I live here.

How was last night in the hostel?
Sleep all right?

No.

Some drunk children
kept trying to throw their shoes

through the hole in our roof.
Oh, yeah, I remember doing that.

Down at the old nurses' home.

Oh. Do you have kids?

No.
Married?

I was, briefly.

Then, one morning,
my wife woke up and told me

I was a difficult man to live with,

so I told her you shouldn't end
sentences with a preposition.

Next morning, she was gone.

Right.

Did she leave a note?
Yes.

With lots
of redundant exclamation marks.

You sure it's all right, Kate?
Leaving Khaleesi outside?

Yeah, absolutely, my darling.
No problem.

Now, Nick, er...
What are you having?

Bacon, sausage, egg, beans,
black pudding, hash browns.

Hold the lettuce leaf. I thought
you'd know that by now, Kate.

I do.
I just like to hear you say it.

PING

Oh.

No, sorry, that's me.
Just getting a text.

Ah. Can I borrow your phone?

How do you withhold a number?

Oh, I remember.

Oh, you're not sending
another abusive message, are you?

You do realise David Dickinson will
never get to read them, don't you?

She didn't call Spencer yesterday.

On his birthday!

I mean, how can
a mother not speak to her child?

Well, that's quite ironic.
Why?

Well, because you're her mother,
and you don't...

Nothing.

OK, Koji, my love,

your first patient'll be here
in a minute.

So can I get you anything?

Seconds of anything?

Oh, come on, grumpy chops.

Cheer up! It may never happen.

Quite a lot of it
has already happened.

Do you know your trouble?

You always see the hole
and not the doughnut.

Do you have doughnuts?
No.

Then why are you talking
about doughnuts?

Well, they're
theoretical doughnuts.

Why waste my time
on doughnuts that don't exist?

I'm being philosophical!

Are these doughnuts
philosophical or theoretical?

What difference does it make?

Quite a lot of difference.
PHONE RINGS

Spencer...

Your mum texted you?

"Happy birthday for yesterday"?

Aww!

Oh, she'd lost her phone.

Oh, well, that explains it.

OK, love. See you later.

Classy fibbing, Auntie.

It's not lying if it's done by text.

SCOOTER MAN: Hey! Old bat!

KHALEESI SNARLS
Argh!

CRASHING

BARKING AND SHOUTING

Get that dog off me!

Oh, dear (!)
Who could have foreseen that (?)

They're demanding significant
financial compensation.

That is an outright lie.
This would be a huge risk for me.

Councillor Bone!

Is it safe
for you to be out in sunlight (?)

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