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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:04,583 --> 00:00:06,541 - So anyway, of course now the guy's on top of me 2 00:00:06,625 --> 00:00:07,958 going at it, you know. [grunting] 3 00:00:08,041 --> 00:00:09,291 [laughter] 4 00:00:09,375 --> 00:00:11,041 T-shirt's still on 'cause his breasts 5 00:00:11,125 --> 00:00:13,000 are bigger than mine... [crowd laughs, jeers] 6 00:00:13,083 --> 00:00:15,041 And I told him--what? 7 00:00:15,125 --> 00:00:17,375 I was jealous. 8 00:00:17,458 --> 00:00:20,583 So anyway, the dummy starts asking me questions. 9 00:00:20,666 --> 00:00:23,208 "Are you close? Are you close?" 10 00:00:23,291 --> 00:00:25,041 I'm like, "Yeah. Yeah. 11 00:00:25,125 --> 00:00:27,208 "I'm close. I'm close. 12 00:00:27,291 --> 00:00:29,541 "I'm close to getting a buzzcut, a flannel shirt, 13 00:00:29,625 --> 00:00:33,000 and finally accepting Melissa Etheridge's dinner invite!" 14 00:00:33,083 --> 00:00:34,250 [cheers and applause] 15 00:00:34,333 --> 00:00:35,708 [bombastic jazz music] 16 00:00:35,791 --> 00:00:38,666 I'm still Deborah Vance. 17 00:00:38,750 --> 00:00:41,083 Goodnight, Las Vegas! 18 00:00:41,166 --> 00:00:46,708 ♪ ♪ 19 00:00:46,791 --> 00:00:48,958 - Great show. - Thank you. 20 00:00:49,666 --> 00:00:50,916 Love these new heels. 21 00:00:51,000 --> 00:00:52,625 Yeah, let's use them this Friday night, 22 00:00:52,708 --> 00:00:54,333 but let's put a little tread on the bottom. 23 00:00:54,416 --> 00:00:56,458 - Copy. - I almost slipped. 24 00:00:57,500 --> 00:00:59,250 I knew these earrings were gonna be too heavy. 25 00:00:59,333 --> 00:01:00,416 Ahh. - Great show. 26 00:01:00,500 --> 00:01:01,833 - I was right. 27 00:01:01,916 --> 00:01:05,333 [indistinct chatter] 28 00:01:05,416 --> 00:01:07,416 - Towel? - No thanks, sweetie. 29 00:01:08,166 --> 00:01:09,458 So Bill, how'd they do? 30 00:01:09,541 --> 00:01:10,916 - Didn't cover the fuckin' spread. 31 00:01:11,000 --> 00:01:12,208 I'm out two grand. 32 00:01:12,291 --> 00:01:13,750 - Hoo-hoo. Good luck with Beverly. 33 00:01:13,833 --> 00:01:15,916 You sleep on the couch more than my dogs do. 34 00:01:16,000 --> 00:01:17,666 - [laughs] 35 00:01:20,166 --> 00:01:22,625 - Hey, Deb. - Lookin' good, ladies. 36 00:01:22,708 --> 00:01:25,208 - They want us wheels up in 25. - I'll be quick. 37 00:01:25,291 --> 00:01:26,625 - And after the taping tomorrow, 38 00:01:26,708 --> 00:01:28,250 I got QVC to give us a studio space 39 00:01:28,333 --> 00:01:29,583 to shoot the Christmas album cover. 40 00:01:29,666 --> 00:01:30,916 - Ooh, love it. 41 00:01:31,000 --> 00:01:33,000 - Also, Damien has some historic news. 42 00:01:33,083 --> 00:01:34,291 - eBay is my bitch. - No. 43 00:01:34,375 --> 00:01:35,666 - The Verdure tapestry is yours. 44 00:01:35,750 --> 00:01:36,750 - Oh, yes! 45 00:01:36,833 --> 00:01:38,541 That's what I like to hear. 46 00:01:38,625 --> 00:01:41,291 - Great show, Deb. - Thanks, baby. 47 00:01:41,375 --> 00:01:43,666 - Car's out front. - Okay. 48 00:01:43,750 --> 00:01:45,791 Let's party. 49 00:01:45,875 --> 00:01:48,375 Aww, did you like the show? I'm so sorry. 50 00:01:48,458 --> 00:01:50,625 We're running late to the airport. 51 00:01:50,708 --> 00:01:52,000 Thank you so much. 52 00:01:52,083 --> 00:01:53,125 Oh, love you guys. 53 00:01:53,208 --> 00:01:54,666 Love you guys. Mwah. 54 00:01:54,750 --> 00:01:56,791 [Khruangbin's "Evan Finds the Third Room"] 55 00:01:56,875 --> 00:01:58,375 - ♪ Yes ♪ 56 00:01:58,458 --> 00:02:01,125 ♪ This is the third room ♪ 57 00:02:01,208 --> 00:02:02,625 ♪ Yes ♪ 58 00:02:02,708 --> 00:02:04,958 ♪ This is the third room ♪ 59 00:02:05,041 --> 00:02:06,291 - Look at the veining. 60 00:02:06,375 --> 00:02:08,333 Wow, this rose marble. 61 00:02:08,416 --> 00:02:10,291 - Look at the detail in that crystal work. 62 00:02:10,375 --> 00:02:11,791 It's like a million little winks. 63 00:02:11,875 --> 00:02:13,583 - I've never found glass handles like this 64 00:02:13,666 --> 00:02:16,166 on any bath caddy that I have ever used. 65 00:02:16,250 --> 00:02:17,708 - Very intentional. 66 00:02:17,791 --> 00:02:19,833 - Oh, I am hearing that we have sold out once again. 67 00:02:19,916 --> 00:02:21,166 - Oh, my goodness! 68 00:02:21,250 --> 00:02:23,750 We are a team. That's incredible. 69 00:02:23,833 --> 00:02:25,375 Someone's been a bad boy. 70 00:02:25,458 --> 00:02:27,416 Have you been a bad boy? - Ho, ho, ho. 71 00:02:27,500 --> 00:02:28,958 - [gasps] He called me a ho. 72 00:02:29,041 --> 00:02:30,500 - Have you been naughty or nice? 73 00:02:30,583 --> 00:02:31,833 - [laughs] 74 00:02:31,916 --> 00:02:33,166 ♪ ♪ 75 00:02:33,250 --> 00:02:34,333 - ♪ Yes ♪ 76 00:02:34,416 --> 00:02:37,541 ♪ This is the third room ♪ 77 00:02:37,625 --> 00:02:38,666 ♪ Yes ♪ 78 00:02:38,750 --> 00:02:41,833 ♪ This is the third room ♪ 79 00:02:41,916 --> 00:02:43,750 ♪ Yes ♪ 80 00:02:45,000 --> 00:02:46,708 - Goodnight, Ronnie. 81 00:02:58,458 --> 00:03:00,375 [exhales deeply] 82 00:03:00,458 --> 00:03:03,416 [soft ambient music] 83 00:03:03,500 --> 00:03:04,458 ♪ ♪ 84 00:03:04,541 --> 00:03:06,125 Dinner's ready! 85 00:03:06,208 --> 00:03:08,041 [dog barks] 86 00:03:08,125 --> 00:03:10,041 There you are, my darlings. 87 00:03:10,125 --> 00:03:11,250 There you go. 88 00:03:11,333 --> 00:03:18,500 ♪ ♪ 89 00:03:40,583 --> 00:03:42,708 - You know how I'm redoing the casino's east tower? 90 00:03:42,791 --> 00:03:44,083 - Oh, yeah. 91 00:03:44,166 --> 00:03:45,875 - So the contractor double orders everything. 92 00:03:45,958 --> 00:03:47,208 - Ooh. 93 00:03:47,291 --> 00:03:48,416 - And what the hell am I supposed to do 94 00:03:48,500 --> 00:03:49,875 with two tons of fertilizer? 95 00:03:49,958 --> 00:03:51,708 - Dump it on Steve Wynn's doorstep. 96 00:03:51,791 --> 00:03:53,166 - [laughs] 97 00:03:53,250 --> 00:03:54,666 Ha! Bingo. 98 00:03:54,750 --> 00:03:57,083 - Come on. You set me up. 99 00:03:57,166 --> 00:04:00,416 - Deb, 2,500 shows. 100 00:04:00,500 --> 00:04:03,250 Now, I think it's a Vegas record. 101 00:04:03,333 --> 00:04:04,333 - It is. 102 00:04:04,416 --> 00:04:06,458 - Well, then cheers. - Cheers. 103 00:04:06,541 --> 00:04:09,500 - And they're naming a street after you. 104 00:04:09,583 --> 00:04:11,333 - I know. Deborah Vance Drive. 105 00:04:11,416 --> 00:04:12,500 It'll probably be a dead end 106 00:04:12,583 --> 00:04:13,958 with an abortion clinic on it. 107 00:04:14,041 --> 00:04:15,625 - [laughs] 108 00:04:15,708 --> 00:04:18,541 [light piano music] 109 00:04:18,625 --> 00:04:19,833 ♪ ♪ 110 00:04:19,916 --> 00:04:22,375 Now that the big show's all planned, 111 00:04:22,458 --> 00:04:25,708 maybe it's a good time to talk about the future. 112 00:04:27,291 --> 00:04:29,291 You know you'll always be a part 113 00:04:29,375 --> 00:04:31,166 of the Palmetto's history, 114 00:04:31,250 --> 00:04:33,458 but maybe it'd be good 115 00:04:33,541 --> 00:04:35,708 if you did a few less shows a year. 116 00:04:35,791 --> 00:04:37,791 - Good for who? 117 00:04:37,875 --> 00:04:39,666 - [scoffs] Yeah. 118 00:04:39,750 --> 00:04:41,541 I need some marquee dates 119 00:04:41,625 --> 00:04:43,958 for new acts, 120 00:04:44,041 --> 00:04:45,708 like Pentatonix. 121 00:04:45,791 --> 00:04:47,125 - What the hell is that? 122 00:04:47,208 --> 00:04:49,458 - They're a beatbox-forward a cappella group. 123 00:04:49,541 --> 00:04:51,375 They do medleys. 124 00:04:51,458 --> 00:04:54,250 They won "The Sing-Off." 125 00:04:54,333 --> 00:04:55,875 - Who gives a shit? 126 00:04:55,958 --> 00:04:57,541 - Look, I have two buckets to fill: 127 00:04:57,625 --> 00:04:59,291 families and idiots in their 20s. 128 00:04:59,375 --> 00:05:01,708 The families want to see singing and dancing, 129 00:05:01,791 --> 00:05:03,666 and the college kids want to spend a grand 130 00:05:03,750 --> 00:05:06,125 to watch a guy in a helmet hit play on an iPod. 131 00:05:06,208 --> 00:05:08,000 - You're forgetting about your third bucket, 132 00:05:08,083 --> 00:05:09,833 people from Florida. 133 00:05:09,916 --> 00:05:12,583 They love me, and my numbers are strong. 134 00:05:12,666 --> 00:05:14,000 - You'll still be doing shows, 135 00:05:14,083 --> 00:05:15,666 just not Friday and Saturday. 136 00:05:15,750 --> 00:05:17,708 - Oh, just the most important nights. 137 00:05:17,791 --> 00:05:19,541 Un-fucking-believable. 138 00:05:19,625 --> 00:05:21,541 - Deb, why do you even want 139 00:05:21,625 --> 00:05:23,166 to do a hundred-plus shows a year? 140 00:05:23,250 --> 00:05:25,166 It's not like you're having fun. 141 00:05:25,250 --> 00:05:27,291 I mean, you're on cruise control up there. 142 00:05:27,375 --> 00:05:28,583 - I fucking wish! - All right. 143 00:05:28,666 --> 00:05:30,000 - I wish I was on cruise control. 144 00:05:30,083 --> 00:05:32,041 I've been playing defense my entire career 145 00:05:32,125 --> 00:05:33,666 thanks to assholes like you! 146 00:05:33,750 --> 00:05:36,250 - Deborah, calm down please. - Oh, what do you care? 147 00:05:36,333 --> 00:05:38,333 You own the place, and the service sucks. 148 00:05:38,416 --> 00:05:39,625 - Great. 149 00:05:39,708 --> 00:05:42,416 - Where's my fucking doggy bag? 150 00:05:42,500 --> 00:05:43,875 - Okay, all right. 151 00:05:43,958 --> 00:05:46,375 - I'll take his too. - Okay. 152 00:05:46,458 --> 00:05:48,583 - And the fork! 153 00:05:50,291 --> 00:05:53,333 There was a cockroach in my salad! 154 00:05:53,750 --> 00:05:55,625 - Shit. 155 00:05:56,291 --> 00:05:58,375 Comp everybody. - Okay. 156 00:05:58,458 --> 00:06:00,875 [groovy jazz music] 157 00:06:00,958 --> 00:06:05,375 ♪ ♪ 158 00:06:05,458 --> 00:06:06,833 [phone ringing] 159 00:06:06,916 --> 00:06:08,458 - I guess I should just jump out the window. 160 00:06:08,541 --> 00:06:10,041 - Well, you'd probably just break your legs 161 00:06:10,125 --> 00:06:11,875 because there's that 12th floor terrace, 162 00:06:11,958 --> 00:06:14,291 but--if you're seriously thinking of hurting yourself-- 163 00:06:14,375 --> 00:06:15,708 - I'm not. 164 00:06:15,791 --> 00:06:17,083 Plus, I've told you how I would kill myself 165 00:06:17,166 --> 00:06:18,250 a million times. - Yeah. 166 00:06:18,333 --> 00:06:19,583 - I'd wear a suicide vest on... 167 00:06:19,666 --> 00:06:21,000 both: "Watch What Happens Live." 168 00:06:21,083 --> 00:06:22,458 - Very funny. - Y--you can't get me 169 00:06:22,541 --> 00:06:23,916 a meeting to write on anything. 170 00:06:24,000 --> 00:06:26,250 I--I'm just done because of one mistake? 171 00:06:26,333 --> 00:06:28,291 - Well, it was one mistake and then a series of replies 172 00:06:28,375 --> 00:06:29,750 where you doubled downed, Ava. 173 00:06:29,833 --> 00:06:31,833 - I didn't do anything wrong. 174 00:06:33,833 --> 00:06:35,708 [sighs] 175 00:06:36,791 --> 00:06:39,083 - Here, you're dripping on the leather. 176 00:06:39,166 --> 00:06:42,041 I just got those chairs. It was a whole thing. 177 00:06:42,125 --> 00:06:44,125 I had to get approvals. 178 00:06:44,208 --> 00:06:47,833 Look, you know I love your strong female POV. Obsessed. 179 00:06:47,916 --> 00:06:49,750 But maybe in the future, 180 00:06:49,833 --> 00:06:52,000 you don't need to say exactly how you're feeling 181 00:06:52,083 --> 00:06:53,583 about everything at all times. 182 00:06:53,666 --> 00:06:54,916 - Oh, my God. 183 00:06:55,000 --> 00:06:56,250 I'm sorry if I was unfiltered 184 00:06:56,333 --> 00:06:57,791 and honest or whatever, 185 00:06:57,875 --> 00:06:59,041 but that's literally what 186 00:06:59,125 --> 00:07:00,458 people like about my writing. 187 00:07:00,541 --> 00:07:01,916 Now--now all of a sudden, it's a problem? 188 00:07:02,000 --> 00:07:03,125 I mean, where's the line? 189 00:07:03,208 --> 00:07:04,791 - I don't know, okay? 190 00:07:04,875 --> 00:07:07,250 All I do know is you need to lay low for a while. 191 00:07:07,333 --> 00:07:09,625 - Yeah, I can't lay low. I need to work. 192 00:07:09,708 --> 00:07:11,208 You know I send money to my parents, 193 00:07:11,291 --> 00:07:12,583 and I just bought a house. 194 00:07:12,666 --> 00:07:14,166 - I thought it was a townhouse. 195 00:07:14,250 --> 00:07:17,000 - Yeah, well, it cost as much as a house house. 196 00:07:17,083 --> 00:07:19,625 - I hate to say this, but maybe you should consider selling it. 197 00:07:19,708 --> 00:07:21,500 - I have. I can't immediately re-list it. 198 00:07:21,583 --> 00:07:23,291 I'm gonna lose a shit ton of money. 199 00:07:23,375 --> 00:07:25,166 My realtor accidentally CCd me on an email 200 00:07:25,250 --> 00:07:26,791 where she said she got me a bad deal. 201 00:07:26,875 --> 00:07:28,458 - Oof. Email's tricky. 202 00:07:28,541 --> 00:07:30,041 - [sighs] This is probably 203 00:07:30,125 --> 00:07:31,958 just residual Catholic guilt bullshit, 204 00:07:32,041 --> 00:07:34,583 but I--I can't help feeling 205 00:07:34,666 --> 00:07:36,375 that this is all punishment for getting fingered 206 00:07:36,458 --> 00:07:38,291 at my Uncle Rocco's wake. 207 00:07:38,375 --> 00:07:41,250 - Okay, great example of what I'm talking about, Ava. 208 00:07:41,333 --> 00:07:44,250 I never need to know where you've been fingered. 209 00:07:45,250 --> 00:07:47,000 - You don't know where a woman gets fingered? 210 00:07:47,083 --> 00:07:48,875 - Ava. 211 00:07:48,958 --> 00:07:51,541 Please, I'm really trying here, okay? 212 00:07:51,625 --> 00:07:52,833 I've called everybody, 213 00:07:52,916 --> 00:07:54,833 but I'm sorry. 214 00:07:54,916 --> 00:07:57,625 Nobody seems interested in helping you right now. 215 00:07:57,708 --> 00:07:59,583 Also, don't vape in here. 216 00:07:59,666 --> 00:08:00,833 - It's not-- - It's all glass. 217 00:08:00,916 --> 00:08:03,375 Just vape outside. Wait one minute. 218 00:08:03,458 --> 00:08:04,708 - This is so unfair. 219 00:08:04,791 --> 00:08:06,500 - Would a hug make you feel better? 220 00:08:06,583 --> 00:08:08,166 I can't technically touch you without someone else present. 221 00:08:08,250 --> 00:08:09,875 We had a meeting about it, but-- 222 00:08:09,958 --> 00:08:11,000 - [knocks, laughs] Hi, dude. 223 00:08:11,083 --> 00:08:12,333 - Hi. 224 00:08:12,416 --> 00:08:13,791 - Um, you told me to, like, interrupt you 225 00:08:13,875 --> 00:08:15,166 when more important clients call, 226 00:08:15,250 --> 00:08:16,666 and Deborah Vance is on the line 227 00:08:16,750 --> 00:08:18,750 and, like, she's not, like, as important. 228 00:08:18,833 --> 00:08:20,666 So I'm just, like, kinda giving you a heads up. 229 00:08:20,750 --> 00:08:22,375 - Kayla, can you set her up somewhere comfortable, please? 230 00:08:22,458 --> 00:08:24,250 - Absolutely. Follow me, chica. 231 00:08:24,333 --> 00:08:25,708 - We're right in the middle of something. 232 00:08:25,791 --> 00:08:27,291 - Deborah, perfect timing. 233 00:08:27,375 --> 00:08:29,250 How are you, my favorite client? 234 00:08:29,333 --> 00:08:31,000 - Fucking Pentatonix! 235 00:08:31,083 --> 00:08:32,666 Did you know about this, Jimmy? 236 00:08:32,750 --> 00:08:35,083 - Do I know the Pentatonix? Y--yes, love 'em. 237 00:08:35,166 --> 00:08:36,750 I voted for 'em on "The Sing-Off." 238 00:08:36,833 --> 00:08:38,458 - Marty wants to cut my dates. 239 00:08:38,541 --> 00:08:41,708 He blindsided me at lunch, the dick-less snake. 240 00:08:41,791 --> 00:08:43,916 Oh, he says he needs to appeal to a younger crowd. 241 00:08:44,000 --> 00:08:45,541 You gotta do something about this, Jimmy. 242 00:08:45,625 --> 00:08:47,541 - Okay, I will call Morty. 243 00:08:47,625 --> 00:08:48,833 - Marty! 244 00:08:48,916 --> 00:08:52,208 - Marty, yes. But um, I have a pitch. 245 00:08:52,291 --> 00:08:53,833 What if you hire a writer? 246 00:08:53,916 --> 00:08:57,125 I actually represent a very in-demand young woman. 247 00:08:57,208 --> 00:08:59,125 She wrote for a hit show, 248 00:08:59,208 --> 00:09:00,666 nominated for an Emmy almost, 249 00:09:00,750 --> 00:09:02,375 everybody is talking about her. 250 00:09:02,458 --> 00:09:03,666 - I write my own material. 251 00:09:03,750 --> 00:09:04,750 I do not need a writer. 252 00:09:04,833 --> 00:09:06,416 I need a manager. - Uh-huh. 253 00:09:06,500 --> 00:09:08,041 - Your father would've handled this. 254 00:09:08,125 --> 00:09:09,583 He promised me you'd take care of me. 255 00:09:09,666 --> 00:09:13,250 Don't make your dead father a liar, Jimmy. 256 00:09:14,458 --> 00:09:16,125 [line beeps] 257 00:09:22,708 --> 00:09:25,666 - [exhales, clears throat] 258 00:09:27,833 --> 00:09:29,750 So that was Deborah Vance, 259 00:09:29,833 --> 00:09:32,083 and I have incredible news. 260 00:09:32,166 --> 00:09:34,416 She is intrigued 261 00:09:34,500 --> 00:09:36,583 by the idea of you writing jokes for her. 262 00:09:36,666 --> 00:09:39,125 - [laughs] The QVC muumuu lady? 263 00:09:39,208 --> 00:09:40,291 - They're caftans. 264 00:09:40,375 --> 00:09:41,541 - Didn't she, like, 265 00:09:41,625 --> 00:09:44,125 burn her husband's house down? 266 00:09:45,333 --> 00:09:46,541 - Yes. 267 00:09:46,625 --> 00:09:48,666 - Yeah, no fucking way. - She's a legend. 268 00:09:48,750 --> 00:09:50,375 She's one of the biggest earners at this company, 269 00:09:50,458 --> 00:09:52,291 and you just said you need to work, so-- 270 00:09:52,375 --> 00:09:53,625 - I do, but come on. 271 00:09:53,708 --> 00:09:55,583 I'm not gonna go write knock-knock jokes 272 00:09:55,666 --> 00:09:58,333 about how men don't put the toilet seat down. 273 00:09:58,416 --> 00:10:00,583 I'm not that desperate. 274 00:10:00,666 --> 00:10:02,875 - Respectfully, as your manager, 275 00:10:02,958 --> 00:10:05,166 right now, you are that desperate. 276 00:10:07,375 --> 00:10:09,833 - I know you think you've called everyone, 277 00:10:09,916 --> 00:10:12,625 but I actually have a lot of friends who will help me, 278 00:10:12,708 --> 00:10:15,875 so I guess I'll just handle this on my own. 279 00:10:16,166 --> 00:10:18,708 - Ava, come on. 280 00:10:19,291 --> 00:10:21,125 - Girly, do you need validation? 281 00:10:21,208 --> 00:10:22,958 - Yeah. - Oh, God. 282 00:10:23,041 --> 00:10:25,416 Crap, girl. That's gonna take me a minute. 283 00:10:25,500 --> 00:10:27,166 - That's fine. Don't worry about it. 284 00:10:27,250 --> 00:10:29,833 - Bill, can you get Kelly to help me? 285 00:10:29,916 --> 00:10:35,125 all: ♪ Now you gotta find another place to stay ♪ 286 00:10:35,208 --> 00:10:38,125 - What the hell? 287 00:10:38,208 --> 00:10:44,458 all: ♪ The way you lie is not okay ♪ 288 00:10:45,750 --> 00:10:47,250 - Damien! 289 00:10:47,333 --> 00:10:50,083 I need you to go to the computer store! 290 00:10:50,166 --> 00:10:53,250 [Goth Babe's "Weekend Friend"] 291 00:10:53,958 --> 00:10:57,500 - ♪ Darling, what you waiting there for? ♪ 292 00:10:57,583 --> 00:11:01,333 ♪ I got you alone, but I don't wanna go ♪ 293 00:11:01,416 --> 00:11:02,958 - Oh, shit. 294 00:11:03,041 --> 00:11:05,666 - ♪ And darling, what you waiting there for? ♪ 295 00:11:05,750 --> 00:11:07,208 - Yeah, he's an actor. 296 00:11:07,291 --> 00:11:09,166 He says he's shooting some Richard Linklater movie, 297 00:11:09,250 --> 00:11:10,541 but I guess we won't know if that's true 298 00:11:10,625 --> 00:11:12,291 for, like, 20 years. - Oh, my God. 299 00:11:12,375 --> 00:11:13,583 Hey, Taylor. 300 00:11:13,666 --> 00:11:15,416 - Ava, hey. 301 00:11:15,500 --> 00:11:18,291 - How are you? It's been forever. 302 00:11:18,375 --> 00:11:21,750 How's, uh, the husband? [laughs] 303 00:11:21,833 --> 00:11:23,458 - Mark? - Yeah. 304 00:11:23,541 --> 00:11:24,833 - He's my ex-husband now. 305 00:11:24,916 --> 00:11:27,708 - Oh, fuck...him then. 306 00:11:27,791 --> 00:11:29,458 His loss, obviously. 307 00:11:29,541 --> 00:11:31,708 - Thank you. 308 00:11:31,791 --> 00:11:32,875 - Hi. 309 00:11:32,958 --> 00:11:35,375 - Okay. Ava, this is my mom. 310 00:11:35,458 --> 00:11:36,875 We're actually just having lunch 311 00:11:36,958 --> 00:11:39,083 before she heads back to the airport. 312 00:11:39,166 --> 00:11:41,291 - Oh, my God. Your mom? 313 00:11:41,375 --> 00:11:43,416 No, impossible. 314 00:11:43,500 --> 00:11:45,791 Your sister. Look at that skin. 315 00:11:45,875 --> 00:11:47,833 Get this bitch on Raya! 316 00:11:47,916 --> 00:11:48,916 Oh, my God. 317 00:11:49,000 --> 00:11:50,916 So congrats on season two. 318 00:11:51,000 --> 00:11:53,750 So cool. Are--are you guys hiring? 319 00:11:53,833 --> 00:11:55,416 - Oh, not even thinking about that yet. 320 00:11:55,500 --> 00:11:56,708 - Really? 321 00:11:56,791 --> 00:11:57,958 'Cause I heard you're taking meetings, 322 00:11:58,041 --> 00:11:59,708 and I would love to work with you. 323 00:11:59,791 --> 00:12:02,708 I mean, you know, obviously I've been going through a lot, 324 00:12:02,791 --> 00:12:04,958 and I could really use a job. 325 00:12:05,041 --> 00:12:07,916 - Ma'am, you're blocking the driveway 326 00:12:08,000 --> 00:12:09,375 to Tommy Hilfiger. 327 00:12:09,458 --> 00:12:11,583 - Oh, no, that's-- that's not mine. 328 00:12:11,666 --> 00:12:13,916 I don't drive. I don't have a car. 329 00:12:14,000 --> 00:12:15,583 - I saw you do it. 330 00:12:15,666 --> 00:12:17,916 You're holding the keys. 331 00:12:19,083 --> 00:12:20,625 - Ava, why don't we just talk next week, kay? 332 00:12:20,708 --> 00:12:22,208 - You know, I would love to, 333 00:12:22,291 --> 00:12:23,791 but you haven't really responded 334 00:12:23,875 --> 00:12:25,208 to any of my texts or emails, 335 00:12:25,291 --> 00:12:27,666 so I would just love to talk right now. 336 00:12:27,750 --> 00:12:30,125 [car horn honks] - Okay, fine. 337 00:12:30,208 --> 00:12:31,625 Ava, I can't hire you. Okay? 338 00:12:31,708 --> 00:12:33,791 I'm sorry, but I have to protect the show. 339 00:12:33,875 --> 00:12:34,958 - I'm just gonna get that. 340 00:12:35,041 --> 00:12:36,958 - No, I got it. I'm going. 341 00:12:37,041 --> 00:12:40,666 So I make one stupid joke, and everyone just turns on me? 342 00:12:40,750 --> 00:12:42,500 This is so fucked up. [scoffs] 343 00:12:42,583 --> 00:12:45,416 I thought we were friends. - Did you? 344 00:12:45,500 --> 00:12:47,125 Because you barely talked to me 345 00:12:47,208 --> 00:12:49,250 until I got a show so... 346 00:12:49,333 --> 00:12:50,916 - I don't remember it that way. 347 00:12:51,000 --> 00:12:53,208 - Yeah, I'm sure you don't. 348 00:12:53,291 --> 00:12:56,458 Listen, I know this seems like the worst thing in the world, 349 00:12:56,541 --> 00:12:58,958 but it's really not. 350 00:12:59,375 --> 00:13:00,625 - Hey! 351 00:13:00,708 --> 00:13:02,416 Move your shit-box car, bitch, 352 00:13:02,500 --> 00:13:04,583 or I'll fucking kill you! 353 00:13:06,333 --> 00:13:08,041 - I'm sorry. 354 00:13:09,625 --> 00:13:12,666 You really do have amazing skin. 355 00:13:20,500 --> 00:13:23,000 - [knocks] Deborah? 356 00:13:23,083 --> 00:13:24,208 - Yes? 357 00:13:24,291 --> 00:13:26,166 - I'm sorry to bother you. Uh... 358 00:13:26,250 --> 00:13:28,083 Your sister's on the phone. 359 00:13:28,708 --> 00:13:31,750 - How the hell did she get my number? 360 00:13:31,833 --> 00:13:33,208 No. 361 00:13:36,958 --> 00:13:39,416 - Beloved entertainer and producer, Frank Vance, 362 00:13:39,500 --> 00:13:43,041 died today at the age of 74 in his Monterey home. 363 00:13:43,125 --> 00:13:45,500 Vance's career began in 1973 364 00:13:45,583 --> 00:13:48,041 with the CBS sitcom "Who's Making Dinner?" 365 00:13:48,125 --> 00:13:51,541 which he starred in with his then-wife, Deborah Vance. 366 00:13:51,625 --> 00:13:53,916 The couple made headlines when they divorced 367 00:13:54,000 --> 00:13:56,375 after Deborah Vance set fire-- 368 00:13:57,750 --> 00:14:00,583 - I can't believe they used that photo. 369 00:14:01,625 --> 00:14:04,708 - Do you wanna maybe take tonight off? 370 00:14:07,416 --> 00:14:09,208 - Why would I do that? 371 00:14:09,291 --> 00:14:11,541 [laughter] 372 00:14:11,625 --> 00:14:13,375 Ladies, have you ever noticed 373 00:14:13,458 --> 00:14:15,958 that men seem to feel entitled 374 00:14:16,041 --> 00:14:18,333 to sex on their birthday? 375 00:14:18,416 --> 00:14:20,416 No, thanks. You know, a word of advice. 376 00:14:20,500 --> 00:14:23,041 Next time, marry a guy born on leap day. 377 00:14:24,291 --> 00:14:27,416 You know what I mean? 378 00:14:27,500 --> 00:14:29,416 You know, a leap day, 379 00:14:29,500 --> 00:14:31,041 leap year every four years. 380 00:14:31,125 --> 00:14:32,583 Yeah, never mind. [laughs] 381 00:14:32,666 --> 00:14:35,666 [melancholic piano music] 382 00:14:35,750 --> 00:14:38,541 ♪ ♪ 383 00:14:38,625 --> 00:14:39,750 [Moon King's "In & Out"] 384 00:14:39,833 --> 00:14:41,416 - ♪ I'm falling ♪ 385 00:14:41,500 --> 00:14:45,125 ♪ In and out of love ♪ 386 00:14:45,208 --> 00:14:49,250 ♪ Thinking about you every day ♪ 387 00:14:49,333 --> 00:14:51,541 ♪ It's you I'm dreaming of ♪ 388 00:14:51,625 --> 00:14:53,125 [phone chimes] 389 00:14:53,208 --> 00:14:57,375 ♪ You know I've flown the world around ♪ 390 00:14:57,958 --> 00:15:01,958 ♪ Searching from above ♪ [doorbell chimes] 391 00:15:04,208 --> 00:15:05,625 - Hey. - Hey. 392 00:15:05,708 --> 00:15:07,750 - Have a good night. 393 00:15:09,416 --> 00:15:10,833 - Hey. 394 00:15:12,500 --> 00:15:13,708 - What? 395 00:15:13,791 --> 00:15:17,916 - ♪ Talk to you when I'm down ♪ 396 00:15:18,041 --> 00:15:20,125 ♪ Won't forget it ♪ 397 00:15:20,208 --> 00:15:22,541 - Wait, do you have a condom? 398 00:15:22,625 --> 00:15:24,791 - Um, I think so. 399 00:15:24,875 --> 00:15:26,375 - ♪ Tears of joy ♪ 400 00:15:26,458 --> 00:15:30,416 ♪ You're stringing me along ♪ 401 00:15:30,500 --> 00:15:31,833 ♪ Near and far ♪ 402 00:15:31,916 --> 00:15:33,458 - You look so hot. - I have one somewhere. 403 00:15:33,541 --> 00:15:36,083 ♪ ♪ 404 00:15:36,166 --> 00:15:37,666 Shit. 405 00:15:37,750 --> 00:15:39,291 [tape rips abrasively] 406 00:15:39,375 --> 00:15:42,875 - ♪ The sun won't shine when you're away ♪ 407 00:15:42,958 --> 00:15:44,375 ♪ Candles in the dark ♪ 408 00:15:44,458 --> 00:15:46,833 - Why would they put the kitchen shit up here? 409 00:15:46,916 --> 00:15:49,291 - Oh, shit. Is that a Vitamix? 410 00:15:49,375 --> 00:15:52,875 [phone buzzing] 411 00:15:59,541 --> 00:16:02,083 - [snores] 412 00:16:08,708 --> 00:16:09,833 [urine pattering] 413 00:16:09,916 --> 00:16:11,291 - Hello? - Hey. 414 00:16:11,375 --> 00:16:13,208 I tried you a few times last night. 415 00:16:13,291 --> 00:16:15,750 - Oh, sorry. I was fucking my Postmate. 416 00:16:15,833 --> 00:16:18,583 - Okay, I'm going to choose to ignore that. 417 00:16:18,666 --> 00:16:20,375 So Deborah wants to meet. 418 00:16:20,458 --> 00:16:22,000 I know you don't think she's cool, 419 00:16:22,083 --> 00:16:23,958 but I really think you should reconsider. 420 00:16:24,041 --> 00:16:26,250 - Hey, mama. - You know, it's a job. 421 00:16:26,333 --> 00:16:28,166 Work begets work. I know you really need 422 00:16:28,250 --> 00:16:30,208 something right now, so I don't know. 423 00:16:30,291 --> 00:16:33,375 I think it could be worth it if you just give it a try. 424 00:16:33,458 --> 00:16:35,291 - I'll do it. 425 00:16:35,375 --> 00:16:37,375 - Really? That's great. 426 00:16:37,458 --> 00:16:39,375 Okay, um, could you meet today? 427 00:16:39,458 --> 00:16:41,333 - All right, fine. 428 00:16:41,416 --> 00:16:44,208 Do I have to go all the way to Beverly Hills or something? 429 00:16:44,291 --> 00:16:45,625 - Um... 430 00:16:45,708 --> 00:16:47,125 No. 431 00:16:47,208 --> 00:16:49,375 - Welcome to Las Vegas, Nevada. 432 00:16:49,458 --> 00:16:51,625 The current temperature is 111 degrees. 433 00:16:51,708 --> 00:16:52,916 [Lime's "Babe, We're Gonna Love Tonight"] 434 00:16:53,000 --> 00:16:55,041 - ♪ Oh-oh, babe ♪ 435 00:16:55,125 --> 00:16:57,583 ♪ We're gonna love tonight ♪ 436 00:16:57,666 --> 00:17:00,083 ♪ ♪ 437 00:17:00,166 --> 00:17:02,333 ♪ Oh-oh, babe ♪ 438 00:17:02,416 --> 00:17:04,000 ♪ We're gonna love tonight ♪ 439 00:17:04,083 --> 00:17:06,541 [slot machine dinging] [laughter] 440 00:17:06,625 --> 00:17:10,125 [phone buzzing] 441 00:17:10,208 --> 00:17:11,916 - Jimmy. - Hey, hey, Marcus. 442 00:17:12,000 --> 00:17:13,166 How's my favorite CEO? 443 00:17:13,250 --> 00:17:15,375 - COO. - COO, yes. 444 00:17:15,458 --> 00:17:18,166 Chief Operating Officer. You go off, king. 445 00:17:18,250 --> 00:17:21,208 Um, listen. I need a favor. 446 00:17:21,291 --> 00:17:22,875 - How scared should I be? 447 00:17:23,000 --> 00:17:24,458 - Look, I'm sending a writer to Las Vegas, 448 00:17:24,541 --> 00:17:25,875 but Deborah is unaware. 449 00:17:25,958 --> 00:17:27,083 You know if she wants to keep her dates, 450 00:17:27,166 --> 00:17:28,375 she's gotta do something. 451 00:17:28,458 --> 00:17:29,750 - Uh-huh. - It could be good. 452 00:17:29,833 --> 00:17:31,125 It could be good. 453 00:17:31,208 --> 00:17:32,333 It could be bad, but it could be good. 454 00:17:32,416 --> 00:17:34,833 - ♪ La la la la la la ♪ 455 00:17:34,916 --> 00:17:36,708 ♪ La la la la la la ♪ 456 00:17:36,791 --> 00:17:39,750 ♪ La la la la la ♪ 457 00:17:39,833 --> 00:17:42,750 ♪ La la la ♪ 458 00:17:42,833 --> 00:17:44,625 ♪ La la la la la ♪ 459 00:17:44,708 --> 00:17:47,375 ♪ La la la la la la la ♪ 460 00:17:47,458 --> 00:17:50,458 ♪ La la la la la ♪ 461 00:17:50,541 --> 00:17:52,666 ♪ La la la ♪ 462 00:17:52,750 --> 00:17:55,416 - Holy shit. 463 00:17:55,500 --> 00:17:57,458 - ♪ La la la la ♪ 464 00:17:57,541 --> 00:17:59,625 - We need a wealth tax. 465 00:17:59,708 --> 00:18:01,708 ♪ ♪ 466 00:18:01,791 --> 00:18:04,125 [doorbell chimes] 467 00:18:04,208 --> 00:18:05,666 Hi. 468 00:18:05,750 --> 00:18:07,875 - You can wait in here. 469 00:18:08,500 --> 00:18:10,458 Would you like something to drink while you wait? 470 00:18:10,541 --> 00:18:14,000 We have coffee, tea, iced tea, lemonade, Diet Coke, 471 00:18:14,083 --> 00:18:15,458 regular Coke, Coke Zero, Tab-- 472 00:18:15,541 --> 00:18:17,625 - Um, I'll just-- I'll just take a water. 473 00:18:17,708 --> 00:18:18,666 - Okay. 474 00:18:18,750 --> 00:18:20,208 We have Pellegrino, Perrier, 475 00:18:20,291 --> 00:18:21,625 Acqua Panna, Voss-- 476 00:18:21,708 --> 00:18:23,458 - I'll just take tap. 477 00:18:23,541 --> 00:18:25,875 - The Acqua Panna is the best. 478 00:18:25,958 --> 00:18:27,125 - Okay, I'll have that. 479 00:18:27,208 --> 00:18:28,916 - Okay. 480 00:18:30,208 --> 00:18:33,166 [soft, curious music] 481 00:18:33,250 --> 00:18:40,416 ♪ ♪ 482 00:18:57,583 --> 00:18:59,583 [door opens] 483 00:19:04,791 --> 00:19:06,791 Deborah, a girl is here 484 00:19:06,875 --> 00:19:09,250 from Jimmy, a redhead. 485 00:19:09,333 --> 00:19:10,333 - What? 486 00:19:10,416 --> 00:19:11,875 - Okay, Jimmy did send that writer. 487 00:19:11,958 --> 00:19:13,625 - That little shit. - I know, but listen, 488 00:19:13,708 --> 00:19:16,333 we may be able to use this to stall Marty on the dates. 489 00:19:16,416 --> 00:19:18,375 - [sighs] - It's just for optics. 490 00:19:18,458 --> 00:19:20,750 Just sit down with her. 491 00:19:20,833 --> 00:19:22,833 - [sighs] 492 00:19:23,458 --> 00:19:25,541 [footsteps] 493 00:19:25,625 --> 00:19:28,125 - Hi, I'm Ava. It's so nice to meet-- 494 00:19:28,208 --> 00:19:30,250 - Sit, sit. 495 00:19:36,458 --> 00:19:38,750 - You know, I've actually never been to Vegas. 496 00:19:38,833 --> 00:19:41,291 Do you ever get used to this heat? 497 00:19:41,375 --> 00:19:43,541 - Yes. 498 00:19:43,625 --> 00:19:45,791 So Jimmy tells me that you're a very talented-- 499 00:19:45,875 --> 00:19:47,833 - No, let go of it! Mom! 500 00:19:47,916 --> 00:19:50,875 Mom, they're being insane. They're not letting me leave. 501 00:19:50,958 --> 00:19:53,250 - Sorry, apparently, she won't let Josefina see. 502 00:19:53,333 --> 00:19:55,291 - [scoffs] - [clears throat] 503 00:19:55,375 --> 00:19:58,583 - Oh, my God. There's nothing in here. 504 00:19:58,666 --> 00:20:00,166 - Give. 505 00:20:00,250 --> 00:20:02,041 - Fine. 506 00:20:02,125 --> 00:20:03,791 You see the shit I gotta put up with? 507 00:20:03,875 --> 00:20:06,041 Unbelievable. 508 00:20:06,125 --> 00:20:07,875 [scoffs] 509 00:20:07,958 --> 00:20:09,875 They're antibiotics. 510 00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:13,333 I've got a fuckin' UTI, okay, everybody? 511 00:20:13,416 --> 00:20:15,666 I'm so sorry I didn't feel like broadcasting 512 00:20:15,750 --> 00:20:18,458 to the whole world, but you got me. 513 00:20:18,541 --> 00:20:19,708 You got me, detectives. 514 00:20:19,791 --> 00:20:21,291 I need relief 515 00:20:21,375 --> 00:20:23,750 from my horrific urethra pain, okay? 516 00:20:23,833 --> 00:20:25,291 Everybody happy now? 517 00:20:25,375 --> 00:20:26,625 - Not happy, no. 518 00:20:26,708 --> 00:20:27,916 - Just glad to see you're 519 00:20:28,000 --> 00:20:30,000 getting your fluids, sweetheart. 520 00:20:44,000 --> 00:20:45,500 You'll have to excuse her. 521 00:20:45,583 --> 00:20:47,125 She has a UTI. 522 00:20:47,208 --> 00:20:48,541 - That's fine. 523 00:20:48,625 --> 00:20:49,958 - Oh, and her father just died. 524 00:20:50,041 --> 00:20:51,416 - Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. 525 00:20:51,500 --> 00:20:52,875 Are--are you okay? 526 00:20:52,958 --> 00:20:55,458 - Me? Thrilled. 527 00:20:55,541 --> 00:20:57,083 So why are you here? 528 00:20:57,166 --> 00:20:59,000 - Oh, um, well, obviously 529 00:20:59,083 --> 00:21:00,625 it would be a huge honor 530 00:21:00,708 --> 00:21:02,291 to work with someone like you 531 00:21:02,375 --> 00:21:04,375 who's been working so... 532 00:21:04,458 --> 00:21:06,875 successfully for so long. 533 00:21:06,958 --> 00:21:09,750 I mean, you're a legend. 534 00:21:09,833 --> 00:21:11,791 - Wow, a legend. - Yeah. 535 00:21:11,875 --> 00:21:13,291 - So you're a fan? 536 00:21:13,375 --> 00:21:16,666 - I mean, of course. Would I be here if I wasn't? 537 00:21:16,750 --> 00:21:18,625 - What's your favorite joke of mine? 538 00:21:21,125 --> 00:21:24,083 - Man, you know... [sighs] 539 00:21:24,166 --> 00:21:25,625 That's so hard. 540 00:21:25,708 --> 00:21:27,041 - Well, it shouldn't be. 541 00:21:27,125 --> 00:21:29,958 I've written over 30,000. Just pick one. 542 00:21:30,041 --> 00:21:32,833 - Uh, you know what? 543 00:21:33,750 --> 00:21:35,875 I would have to say that your TV show 544 00:21:35,958 --> 00:21:39,291 is my personal favorite thing that you've ever done. 545 00:21:39,375 --> 00:21:42,166 - You mean my sitcom from 1973? 546 00:21:42,250 --> 00:21:43,666 You've seen it? 547 00:21:43,750 --> 00:21:45,500 - Oh, yeah. 548 00:21:45,583 --> 00:21:48,500 I mean I've--yeah, I've seen... 549 00:21:50,083 --> 00:21:51,750 Um, clips. 550 00:21:51,833 --> 00:21:53,833 - Clips? 551 00:21:53,916 --> 00:21:55,333 Wonderful. 552 00:21:56,708 --> 00:21:59,166 - Uh, yeah, well, um, you know, 553 00:21:59,250 --> 00:22:01,000 a lot of the actors on the show 554 00:22:01,083 --> 00:22:04,666 that I most recently worked on were stand-ups-- 555 00:22:04,750 --> 00:22:07,750 - You know, I'm gonna stop you right there. 556 00:22:07,833 --> 00:22:10,125 I don't work with writers. 557 00:22:10,208 --> 00:22:11,500 - You don't? - No. 558 00:22:11,583 --> 00:22:13,875 Jimmy sent you against my wishes. 559 00:22:14,750 --> 00:22:15,875 - I'm gonna kill him. 560 00:22:15,958 --> 00:22:18,000 - No, I'm gonna kill him. 561 00:22:18,083 --> 00:22:21,208 - Great, well, this sucks. 562 00:22:21,291 --> 00:22:23,541 - Yeah, this sucks. 563 00:22:23,625 --> 00:22:25,458 Well, but at least you didn't waste too much time 564 00:22:25,541 --> 00:22:27,541 researching me. 565 00:22:27,625 --> 00:22:28,750 - I'm sorry. 566 00:22:28,833 --> 00:22:30,666 Did I do something to offend you? 567 00:22:30,750 --> 00:22:34,541 - Other than walk those chimney sweep boots on my silk rug? 568 00:22:34,625 --> 00:22:36,958 Um, no. 569 00:22:37,958 --> 00:22:39,500 - Sorry, I-- 570 00:22:39,583 --> 00:22:41,875 I didn't realize it was a shoes-off situation. 571 00:22:41,958 --> 00:22:44,208 - Well, it's shoe-dependent. 572 00:22:46,291 --> 00:22:48,333 Thank you for your time. 573 00:22:53,333 --> 00:22:55,333 Good luck with your career, honey. 574 00:22:55,416 --> 00:22:56,625 - Fucking bitch. 575 00:22:56,708 --> 00:22:57,916 - Excuse me. 576 00:22:58,000 --> 00:23:00,916 Did you have something else to say? 577 00:23:01,833 --> 00:23:02,916 - Yeah. 578 00:23:03,000 --> 00:23:04,250 You've just been pretty rude, 579 00:23:04,333 --> 00:23:06,041 and I dropped everything to come here. 580 00:23:06,125 --> 00:23:07,708 - Oh, Christ. 581 00:23:07,791 --> 00:23:11,000 Oh, you wanted a gold star just for showing up. 582 00:23:11,083 --> 00:23:12,500 - Kinda, yeah. 583 00:23:12,583 --> 00:23:13,666 Because you're right. 584 00:23:13,750 --> 00:23:14,791 I'm not a fan of yours. 585 00:23:14,875 --> 00:23:16,125 You caught me. 586 00:23:16,208 --> 00:23:17,625 This is all just a little fucking annoying 587 00:23:17,708 --> 00:23:19,250 because I flew all the way here 588 00:23:19,333 --> 00:23:20,916 on Spirit fucking Airlines 589 00:23:21,000 --> 00:23:23,250 even though I didn't want this job in the first place. 590 00:23:23,333 --> 00:23:25,041 I mean, the last thing on Earth 591 00:23:25,125 --> 00:23:27,625 I want to do is move to the desert 592 00:23:27,708 --> 00:23:31,000 to write some lame jokes for an old hack. 593 00:23:32,375 --> 00:23:34,083 - I think you better leave. - Yeah. 594 00:23:34,166 --> 00:23:35,583 - Can I show you to the door, 595 00:23:35,666 --> 00:23:37,125 or would you like to go back up the chimney? 596 00:23:37,208 --> 00:23:38,458 - Oh, no. I know my way out. 597 00:23:38,541 --> 00:23:39,916 By the way, so cool 598 00:23:40,000 --> 00:23:41,958 they let you move into a Cheesecake Factory. 599 00:23:42,041 --> 00:23:43,458 - Oh, is that where you wait tables? 600 00:23:43,541 --> 00:23:44,875 That seems like a better fit. - Oh, yeah. 601 00:23:44,958 --> 00:23:47,000 I agree, you classist monster. 602 00:23:47,083 --> 00:23:49,416 I'd rather sling Bang Bang Chicken and Shrimp 603 00:23:49,500 --> 00:23:50,750 all day than work here. 604 00:23:50,833 --> 00:23:51,958 I mean, fuck. What is this? 605 00:23:52,041 --> 00:23:54,000 50 tassels on one couch? 606 00:23:54,083 --> 00:23:56,125 Even Liberace would think it's a bit much. 607 00:23:56,208 --> 00:23:58,500 - Oh, no, you're incorrect. He actually loved it. 608 00:23:58,583 --> 00:24:01,000 He did poppers on that couch in '85. 609 00:24:01,083 --> 00:24:02,291 - Cool. [laughs] 610 00:24:02,375 --> 00:24:03,875 I'm glad Liberace's butthole 611 00:24:03,958 --> 00:24:05,833 was nice and loose in your house. 612 00:24:05,916 --> 00:24:07,291 Maybe you should've joined him 613 00:24:07,375 --> 00:24:10,625 since yours is obviously tight as fuck. 614 00:24:10,708 --> 00:24:12,333 Oh, hey, before I leave, 615 00:24:12,416 --> 00:24:14,416 did you want to inspect my bag? 616 00:24:14,500 --> 00:24:16,458 Maybe I should just piss in a cup. 617 00:24:16,541 --> 00:24:18,458 You know what? I'm gonna go ahead. 618 00:24:18,541 --> 00:24:21,208 I'm just gonna leave a stool sample on your lawn. 619 00:24:22,125 --> 00:24:23,958 - [laughs] 620 00:24:25,083 --> 00:24:26,083 Okay. 621 00:24:26,166 --> 00:24:28,333 Why are you really here? 622 00:24:28,416 --> 00:24:31,000 If you're so "in demand," 623 00:24:31,083 --> 00:24:33,166 why are you meeting with me? 624 00:24:33,250 --> 00:24:35,666 - Because I can't get any other job, okay? 625 00:24:35,750 --> 00:24:38,166 I tweeted a joke about that closeted senator 626 00:24:38,250 --> 00:24:40,666 who's sending his son to conversion therapy camp 627 00:24:40,750 --> 00:24:42,666 or whatever, and everybody freaked out. 628 00:24:42,750 --> 00:24:45,416 And then some other asshole dug up some stupid shit I said 629 00:24:45,500 --> 00:24:48,333 when I was, like, 20 years old, and I lost my deal. 630 00:24:48,416 --> 00:24:51,500 And now no one will hire me, including you apparently. 631 00:24:51,583 --> 00:24:54,166 So yeah, my life is pretty much ruined. 632 00:24:54,250 --> 00:24:56,125 - Oh, your life is ruined. 633 00:24:56,208 --> 00:24:58,666 Please, it sounds like a Tuesday for me. 634 00:24:58,750 --> 00:25:01,416 Besides, you're just a writer. No one cares. 635 00:25:01,500 --> 00:25:04,583 - Well, actually, people really do care. 636 00:25:04,666 --> 00:25:07,500 It's been a huge fucking problem for me. 637 00:25:08,125 --> 00:25:10,500 - Mm. 638 00:25:10,583 --> 00:25:13,250 So what was it? 639 00:25:13,333 --> 00:25:16,708 This joke that supposedly ruined your life. 640 00:25:16,791 --> 00:25:18,625 I gotta hear it. 641 00:25:22,625 --> 00:25:23,625 - [sighs] 642 00:25:23,708 --> 00:25:24,958 Senator Rogers is upset 643 00:25:25,041 --> 00:25:26,875 because he found out his kid is gay. 644 00:25:26,958 --> 00:25:28,916 Apparently, he heard it from one of the guys 645 00:25:29,000 --> 00:25:31,375 he was sucking off in the Senate cloak room. 646 00:25:31,458 --> 00:25:33,208 Yeah, I--I don't even do jokes like that. 647 00:25:33,291 --> 00:25:34,875 I was just trying to call him out for being a hypocrite 648 00:25:34,958 --> 00:25:37,333 because he was caught with a male escort. 649 00:25:37,416 --> 00:25:39,208 It didn't help that it was a slow news day, 650 00:25:39,291 --> 00:25:42,541 but I--I guess I crossed a line or whatever. 651 00:25:42,625 --> 00:25:45,416 - Oh, honey, no. There is no line. 652 00:25:45,500 --> 00:25:46,750 It's just not funny. 653 00:25:46,833 --> 00:25:48,291 I mean, you should be blacklisted 654 00:25:48,375 --> 00:25:49,708 for how bad that joke is. 655 00:25:49,791 --> 00:25:51,250 - Cool, thank you so much for having me. 656 00:25:51,333 --> 00:25:52,625 I'm glad we did this. 657 00:25:52,708 --> 00:25:55,083 I am starting to see why your husband left you 658 00:25:55,166 --> 00:25:56,708 for your own sister now. 659 00:25:56,791 --> 00:25:58,166 Buh-bye. 660 00:26:07,333 --> 00:26:09,250 [tires screeching] 661 00:26:09,333 --> 00:26:11,750 [car horn honking] 662 00:26:11,833 --> 00:26:13,916 Oh, my God. [gasps] 663 00:26:14,000 --> 00:26:16,750 Holy shit. [horn continues honking] 664 00:26:16,833 --> 00:26:18,375 What is she doing? 665 00:26:18,458 --> 00:26:20,666 [engine revs] 666 00:26:20,750 --> 00:26:22,083 [tires screech] 667 00:26:22,166 --> 00:26:25,500 [dramatic music] 668 00:26:25,583 --> 00:26:27,458 What the fuck? 669 00:26:27,541 --> 00:26:30,333 [tires screeching] 670 00:26:32,291 --> 00:26:33,333 Oh, my God. 671 00:26:33,416 --> 00:26:34,750 - Sending your son to the woods 672 00:26:34,833 --> 00:26:36,291 with a bunch of other horny, gay teens. 673 00:26:36,375 --> 00:26:38,208 The only thing you're gonna convert him to 674 00:26:38,291 --> 00:26:40,541 is from a top to a bottom. 675 00:26:41,375 --> 00:26:42,291 - Okay? 676 00:26:42,375 --> 00:26:43,916 - Now, that's a better joke. 677 00:26:44,000 --> 00:26:46,125 - Oh, my God. That's why you almost just killed me? 678 00:26:46,208 --> 00:26:48,291 - Wait, wait, wait. No, no, no. We keep it on the dad. 679 00:26:48,375 --> 00:26:51,791 Uh, Senator Rogers has been in the closet so long, 680 00:26:51,875 --> 00:26:54,291 his wife keeps trying to donate him to Goodwill. 681 00:26:54,375 --> 00:26:56,541 - Okay, to be clear, these are all problematic, 682 00:26:56,625 --> 00:26:59,625 but what if it's something like Senator Rogers 683 00:26:59,708 --> 00:27:02,500 has been in the closet so long, all his friends are mothballs? 684 00:27:02,583 --> 00:27:03,958 - Mothballs. 685 00:27:04,041 --> 00:27:06,375 Senator Rogers has been in the closet so long, 686 00:27:06,458 --> 00:27:08,791 he shits mothballs. 687 00:27:08,875 --> 00:27:11,833 - Yeah, that's pretty good. - Yeah, that's it. That's it. 688 00:27:11,916 --> 00:27:14,333 - Okay, um, can I go now? 689 00:27:14,416 --> 00:27:16,708 - No. No, you're hired. 690 00:27:17,791 --> 00:27:19,208 - Wait, what? 691 00:27:19,291 --> 00:27:21,000 I said I didn't want the job. 692 00:27:21,083 --> 00:27:22,458 - Yeah, well, you need it. 693 00:27:22,541 --> 00:27:24,666 Write me 20 jokes before tomorrow morning. 694 00:27:24,750 --> 00:27:28,375 Oh, and nothing about pantyhose or the Challenger explosion. 695 00:27:28,458 --> 00:27:30,625 I've done 'em all. 696 00:27:30,708 --> 00:27:32,541 [engine starts] 697 00:27:34,750 --> 00:27:37,000 - What the fuck just happened? 698 00:27:37,083 --> 00:27:38,958 [Etta James's "Fire"] 699 00:27:39,041 --> 00:27:42,125 - ♪ Ow! ♪ - ♪ Fire ♪ 700 00:27:42,208 --> 00:27:44,291 ♪ Fire ♪ 701 00:27:44,375 --> 00:27:46,000 ♪ Fire ♪ 702 00:27:46,083 --> 00:27:48,875 ♪ I'm on fire ♪ 703 00:27:49,000 --> 00:27:51,333 ♪ Fire ♪ 704 00:27:51,416 --> 00:27:53,458 ♪ Fire ♪ 705 00:27:53,541 --> 00:27:54,666 ♪ Fire ♪ 706 00:27:54,750 --> 00:27:57,791 ♪ Lord, you set me on fire ♪ 707 00:27:57,875 --> 00:27:59,875 ♪ ♪ 708 00:27:59,958 --> 00:28:02,541 ♪ Your touch is all it takes, baby ♪ 709 00:28:02,625 --> 00:28:04,333 ♪ To start the fire in me ♪ 710 00:28:04,416 --> 00:28:07,083 ♪ You the one that can turn me on ♪ 711 00:28:07,166 --> 00:28:09,041 ♪ Like a TV ♪ 712 00:28:09,125 --> 00:28:11,416 ♪ When you look at me, baby ♪ 713 00:28:11,500 --> 00:28:13,583 ♪ You know my lips can't speak ♪ 714 00:28:13,666 --> 00:28:16,000 ♪ Like a cube of ice on a red hot stove ♪ 715 00:28:16,083 --> 00:28:17,875 ♪ I melt from your burning heat ♪ 716 00:28:17,958 --> 00:28:20,875 ♪ I'm on fire ♪ 717 00:28:20,958 --> 00:28:23,000 ♪ Fire ♪ 718 00:28:23,083 --> 00:28:24,208 ♪ Fire ♪ 719 00:28:24,291 --> 00:28:27,500 ♪ Oh, I'm on fire ♪ 720 00:28:27,583 --> 00:28:30,000 ♪ Fire ♪ 721 00:28:30,083 --> 00:28:32,041 ♪ Fire ♪ 722 00:28:32,125 --> 00:28:33,250 ♪ Fire ♪ 723 00:28:33,333 --> 00:28:36,375 ♪ Lord, you set me on fire ♪ 724 00:28:36,458 --> 00:28:38,625 ♪ ♪ 725 00:28:38,708 --> 00:28:41,250 ♪ When you talk that sweet talk ♪ 726 00:28:41,333 --> 00:28:43,083 ♪ I burn like water on fire ♪ 727 00:28:43,166 --> 00:28:45,583 ♪ And when you kiss my lips, boy ♪ 728 00:28:45,666 --> 00:28:47,708 ♪ You burn like a red hot wire ♪ 729 00:28:47,791 --> 00:28:50,291 ♪ Fire ♪ 730 00:28:50,375 --> 00:28:52,458 ♪ Fire ♪ 731 00:28:52,541 --> 00:28:53,541 ♪ Fire ♪ 732 00:28:53,625 --> 00:28:57,125 ♪ Lord, I'm on fire ♪ 733 00:28:57,208 --> 00:29:03,000 ♪ ♪ 48727

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