All language subtitles for Great Night Out s01e05.eng

Here's me treacle toffee. Have you
had a good day?

No, I bloody haven't.
Good.

And get off that bleeding iPad!

Look at the time. I'd like to see
that Dolly Parton

try clocking off before 5:00pm these
days, the lazy cow!

Oh, so it's work. You're not mad at
me.

No. Unless you've done something
wrong.

Have you done something wrong?

I hate my job.

The stress... That pressure cooker
environment...

You work in a bowling alley.

Which is a very demanding occupation.

Managing all them lanes,

checking to see if everybody's got...
the right shoes.

Would you like to go away?
Sorry.

I meant for the weekend.

Oh!

Us. From everything.

We could go glamping.

Glamping? It's like camping but with
electricity and a nice loo.

We could.

It's just...

What?

Will they have wifi?

Well, that was another top date.
Thank you, Julie.

You said that like a newsreader.
Yeah? Who?

George Alagaih?

A reminder of tonight's top story:
Julie is beautiful and amazing.

Breaking news: Would you like to come
in for a... coffee?

No. Caffeine's no good for me this
late in the day.

I get all panicky and stressy.

I get very sweaty palms.

Erm, I've got peppermint tea.

No, any type of drink right now
would be too soon.

Not - Not too soon. It's just...

..I need time to prepare... for a
drink.

Coffee, tea, glass of Vimto.

Right. We'll leave it till Saturday,
then, cos I've got the whole weekend off.

Right. Brilliant.

Saturday.

It's two days.

48 hours.

That's a shit-load of minutes to
prepare.

So, that's all for tonight.

Right.

Ha-ha. Got you this time,
Hodgey-boy.

Don't be a prat.

You move your bishop to A4, he could
checkmate you with his rook at H1.

You're here more than you're not
here now, aren't you, Tonky?

Yeah, well, your mother feels safer
when I'm around. And sexy.

Have you had a good day, love?
Yeah.

Where did you get those shoes?
Smart, aren't they?

My dad had a pair just like them.

Yeah. These. Your mam said I could
have 'em.

Don't he look handsome in them?

Ooh, I don't know what it is about a
man in a good pair of shoes.

But - What?! They were just sitting
in the loft

and they're too big for you, they're
size 12.

You know what they say about big
feet.

Oh, God.

Hey. I'm immense down there. Like a
snake biting into an orange.

Satsuma.
Orange!

Ooh! Someone's had their Weetabix.

Oh! What are you doing?

What do you wanna do first?

Actually, babe, I'm really bursting
for a pee.

You're not going anywhere.

Is it just the shoes or would you be
pissed off if it was other stuff of your dad's? You what?

Tonky's nicked Beggsy's dad's shoes.
Tonky's a grave robber?

No. They were up in the loft. Me mam
never chucked all me dad's stuff out even after she kicked him out.

I suppopse I'd be OK with a scarf.
Or maybe even a jumper.

But not his trousers and definitely
not his undies.

It's weird seeing Tonky in me dad's
clothes.

Be weirder if it was your mam's, eh?

Yo!

Hello?! What is wrong with you?

You've got a face like a slapped
arse.

Arse? What are you mentioning arses
for? What?

You know me, don't you?

I like what I like. We're gonna have
that put on your headstone.

For dinner, I've got my favourite.
Sausage. Egg. Chips. And beans.

I'm the same in the bedroom. Only
Colleen's started introducing, erm...

..like new stuff. She's not eating
toast in bed. Crumbs are a nightmare.

No, it's not toast. It's more, erm...

..more toad in the hole.

Ooh!
Oh, my God!

Look, don't start taking the piss,
man, I've got dirt on all of you.

Come on, what's the problem?
I bloody love toad in the hole.

It's sausage, it's Yorkshire
pudding. It's simple. What's not to like?

Plenty when you're not used to it

and your girlfriend suddenly starts
liking it.

Try it with onion gravy.

Maybe she's learnt the recipe...
off somebody else.

What do you mean?

Maybe she's cooked it with some
other, erm, chef.

And now she's practising it on you.

"ere's one I made earlier."

I'm confused.
You think she's having an affair?

Eh? What? Who's having an affair?

Hodge, are you ready, lad, to do the
honours?

She's waiting for you outside.
You wanna see the body on her.

A real head-turner. Come on.

Isn't she lovely?

A camper van?

Hey, and the rest. You're not just
buying a vehicle when you're buying a camper van or a motorhome.

You're buying a new way of life, a
dream.

A shit-heap. That's not the one you
showed me on your phone.

That was just a guide to give you an
idea of what you'd be buying.

It's no problem. Look, it snaps off
easy. What colour do you call that?

Sunshine yellow.
Looks more like vomit.

How much is he robbing off you for
it? That's slander, that.

Iimagine where you can go
now he's got it.

What, the other side of the
street... if we push it?

This is a small mobile hotel. Just
imagine, you can go

to all the World Cup qualifying games
and park right outside the ground.

I think you should buy it, Hodge.
I told Kath it was in good nick.

That's better still. She can do it
all up with curtains and knickknacks.

And if women don't like that sort of
shite, then God strike me down now.

See what I mean?
I dunno -

It's a deal. I knew you'd see sense.
But there's no refunds.

And I tell you what, I'm still a
little bit jealous, you know?

Because I've half a mind to keep it
myself. Why don't you?

Oh, erm, the leatherette. Ooh,
brings me out in hives. Terrible.

I mean obviously you'll want to pimp
it up on the soft furnishings.

I'm thinking ornaments. It'll
look great with some curtains.

What, around it? I wanted to go
glamping, not stay in a tin can and get tetanus.

Oh, don't say that about her.
You'll hurt Marlena's feelings.

Marlena?
Ja. She is German.

Oh, is she? Hang on.

No. No. You're always doing this.
Giving names to crap I don't want.

Barry Barbecue, Eddie iPad.
Terry the 3D TV.

You love Terry now. And you'll love
Marlena.

She's saying, "I am lonely. I need
a friend like you."

I'd have to go all out to get her
ready by tomorrow.

A lick of paint. Curtains, yes.

And I have to be allowed as many
cushions as I want.

You got it. Anything you want.
Ooh! I'm getting excited now.

Ow!

Mind that bit, it's sharp.

Got a tip from brokey-Joe. 33-1 dead
cert running at Doncaster.

I don't do horseracing, it's cruel.
You're joking.

They live better lives than we do.
Wish I was a racehorse.

You could put me out to stud, eh,
Pam?

Do you want a brew? No. Did you know
he's still got my dad's shoes on?

Come on, Daddy's Favourite.

Listen to him in there. It's like
he's taken me dad's place and we're forgetting about him.

Your dad was the one who forgot
about us and walked out on us.

Everyone makes mistakes. He made
'em four times a week from what I heard.

He used to wear those shoes when
he was out galivanting

while I was at home with you and a
toothache or whatever else it was I had to deal with on me own.

So if I can stand the sight of 'em,
you can too.

I said I didn't want a brew.
This is for Tonky.

That's me dad's old mug.

Matthew, stop this. Me dad always
had the SuperTed mug.

Oh, for the love of - Who cares?!

Daddy's
Favourite, you absolute tit!

Right! That's it!

Hey! What are you doing?!

I'm getting me dad back.
Matthew!

He's gone Looney Tunes.

They're too big for you.
Yeah? I don't care.

And if he's a permanent fixture,
you're not gonna see me around for quite a while.

You're taking your ironing, then?

Yeah.

Do you like it? Do you like the
colour?

It's...

..different.

Well, what are we waiting for, let's
go.

Oh! This is lovely.

I'm that excited. Just you me and
Marlena.

No phones, no emails.

No-one can reach us.

You all right, Beggsy?

Wherever you're going...
can I come with you?

This was supposed to be 'us' time.

You and me. Not you, me and him.

Where's he gonna kip?
In the roof.

It opens up like a thingy, a dormer
bungalow.

Oh, very condusive to intimacy.

Or were you expecting him to join in?

He hasn't cried like this since his
dad died.

Well, he's started now.

Am I in the way?

Shut up! "Am I in the way?!"

Don't be daft.

Thanks, Kath.

You're so nice.

Though, I was just thinking...

you haven't got any clean clothes,
have you? Oh, no, no, no.

I've got all my laundry with me.

Great.

The more, the merrier. That's what I
always say, isn't it, Hodgey-love?

Yeah, you do. All the time. It's
like your motto.

Bravo, Mr Gooseberry.

This was meant to be our weekend,
mine and Kath's.

She said I could come along.

Beggsy, one of these days I'm gonna
sit down and write you a book.

I'll call it, "What Women Say
Is Not Always What They Mean".

Sorry, mate, I was in a mess.
Look, I'll go back.

Don't be so bloody stupid.
Eh?

If you go now, Kath'll know that you
know that she doesn't want you to tag along.

And... she'll know that I've told you.
So you'll have to stay.

Even though she doesn't want you to.
That's weird. That's marriage.

Just... don't do anything else wrong
for the rest of the weekend.

Oh, get us a Freddo.

Oh, I don't know, mate. I don't
think Julie's the outdoors type.

She's not the horsey type. Help me
out. I feel like a right gooseberry.

But she has got multi-coloured
wellies in her hall. Attaboy.

But this was supposed to be the
weekend when...

Supposed to be the weekend when me
and her, you know...

Yeah, it still can be. The country,
a secluded flower-filled meadow, it'll be perfect.

A flower-filled meadow? No. With my
hayfever, my eyes'll be streaming.

She'll think you're crying and
you're a sensitive soul.

I'll send you the campsite address.
Get a move on.

Oh...

Gaz, how would you and Coll like to
come to the countryside?

The flies, damp floors, shit in a
bucket.

Not really my scene, fella. Plus I
like my own bed too much, so...

Ta-ra. My bed, you mean.

Yeah, but you're not up for going to
to the countryside, are you?

There's not much privacy in a tent.

Sorry, what do you mean?

Well, you don't get any proper time
on your own.

Right, so...
So...

..you can't get away with much under
canvas. Everybody can hear you.

And, erm, I was thinking

we could pick up where we left off
the other night.

Hey, a weekend in the country! It
might be brilliant.

We've got friends and fresh air and,
erm, puddles.

Come on, let's go and pack. Have you
got a tent? No.

Well, we'll buy one, then. What's
money? Come on.

We're not lost, babe, I'm just not
sure where we are.

I think we're by that staple.

Directions have never been her
strong point.

She thought Milton Keynes was a jazz
singer. Shut up, Hodge.

Else I'll tell Beggsy who you had
your sex dream about last night.

Right, well, according to this we
need to take the third right.

Who did you have a sex dream about?
Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall.

And it wasn't a sex dream.

He just made a nice candle-lit
dinner, talked about venison.

And that was that.
You said he kissed you good night.

Just drop it, Kath!

I can't believe you love camping.
Oh, yeah.

I was well into my brownies when I
was little. Loved it.

Apart fro me hayfever.
Me too.

We've got so much in common, haven't
we?

As you get older, you get varicose
veins at the back of your knees?

No. No. No, no. Me neither.

If your hayfever gets bad I've got
some tablets in the overnight bag.

Oh, great.

Look at them cows.

I couldn't be a cow, you know, in a
field all day.

I'd need a telly or something.
Which ones are they?

It's the little yellow tablets.

That's not mine.
Whose is it, then?

It's fine.

I just went into the chemist,
grabbed what I could.

I always carry one.

For emergencies.
Emergencies?

Yeah.

Like, you know, if we went off the
road now, crashed into a river and started sinking,

I could wrap my mobile phone in
that... waterproof.

Have you brought these so
we can have sex this weekend?

No.

Yes. Sorry.

No, don't be. It's great. Although
I'm not overkeen on banana daiquiri and fruits of the forest.

And, erm, I'm allergic to strawberry.

Completely full.

And they've no record of our
booking. You definitely booked?

I distinctly remember. I filled in
the form, then Beggsy sent through his next chess move.

Was somebody helping you with that?
No.

Bad loser.

Oh, frig. I may have forgot to press
"confirm".

They say there's a farm down the
road that'll have us.

It's not quite on par with this
but - Is that Glyn's car?

It was Beggsy's idea.
You said the more, the merrier.

It's a big basic.
Empty. Roomy.

Like the inside of your head.

Thanks for inviting us, Kath.

Oh, anytime. Really, it's no
problem. Just as long as that Glyn behaves himself.

Anybody got the Swingball?
Who's got the Swingball?

It's not really a Swingballing
weekend, Glyn.

No, no. You come camping, you get
the Swingball out. That's standard.

Oh. Aye-aye. Slow-pokes are here.

Oh, great. And Mother makes five.

Any more?
Hiya!

Hiya. All right, Daz?

All right, gang.
Excuse me!

I don't suppose you have a
corkscrew, do you?

Sorry, love, all our wine's screwtop.

Screwtop... how contemporary.

Northern riff-raff.

Oh, well. Never mind.

Aye-aye, guys. Wurzel alert, 12
o'clock.

He's got a gun!

He's shot the bloody beer.

Quick, get a plaster or something.

You get a plaster on it.

Nice day for it. What are you doing,
shooting at us?

Not you, my lover, foxes.
What foxes?

Exactly. How can I help you?

We'd like to stay here, please.

Five pound a night. Each.

No taking drugs, no playing loud
music,

no excessive alcohol consumption, no
coming round to borrow a pint of bloody milk.

No interfering with the pigs and no
mention of the name Bob Fletcher of Bluebell Farm.

Come and pay me in the kitchen.
Who's Bob Fletcher?

I told you not to mention Bob
Fletcher.

? Oh, it's hard being a farmer
these days

? Work your finger to the bone
for no pay

? We got cows, we got sheep but the
economy is asleep

? Going bust, rob a bank, end up in
Strangeways

? I haven't finished yet

? Oh, it burns me up these days
trying to keep it rural

? It's like... It's like...

Having a double epidural.

Oh, stop it Da.

He's filled in a form for X Factors.

I be Mabel. You're not from round
here, are you?

What county is that accent from?

We're from the county of mind your
own bloody business-shire.

We're from all over.

Our seeds blow on many winds.

Do you like my puppies?

Cute, in't they?

We sold the other four.
How many times? We had to!

A word of advice, lads.

Don't ever get into ostrich farming.

We won't. Can I just pay?

? Drumsticks bigger than your arm

? But they never saved my farm

? Ostrich, ostrich, all those bloody
ostriches

? Drumsticks bigger than your arm

? But they never saved my farm

? Ostrich, ostrich, all those bloody
ostriches! ?

I don't feel safe here.

There's nothing to worry about.

Just a crazy singing farmer with a
loaded shotgun.

Oh, ffff...

Oh. This is the life, eh?

Yeah, nice romantic weekend...

Just the seven of us.

He was only trying to do the right
thing.

Look on the bright side, at least we
haven't got a gooseberry now.

No. Now we have a punnet of them.

I'll get Beggsy to sleep in Glyn's
tent and then we can snuggle up

in the warmth of Marlena.

While they're all out struggling in
the elements with the guy ropes and Timmys.

Mallet. Timmy Mallet? Boo!

See what I did there?

Unfortunately.

Darren doesn't need any pegs anyway.
He's got a special one.

It says toss it and then it just pops
up.

Mmm. It's like something else we
know.

Daz, mate, you've got to unwrap it
first.

Yeah - Yeah, I knew that.

How are they?
Too big and really uncomfortable.

I think they're really nice.

Me too. There's something about 'em.

Right. They stopped serving food an
hour ago.

Oh, man. So, what are we gonna do
now?

What are we gonna do now? There is
only one thing we can do in there.

And that is get so leathered we
forget we've not eaten. Yes.

Dude, they're too big.

I would sooner have my shoes
flapping around like clown's feet than see Tonky in 'em.

Don't worry about Tonky. You're here
now with all your mates.

And all their girlfriends.

I still feel like a bit of a
gooseberry.

Ohhhhhh and whose fault is that, eh?

Give up. Dr Who lives less in the
past than you do.

You've got to forget about Mandy.

And get back on the horse.

I know.

Cheers, Hodge. You're a mate.
Hey, so are you.

Which is why you'll understand when I
ask you

to sleep in Glyn's tent tonight.
Oh.

Give me and Kath a little bit of
privacy.

Hey, you're welcome to stay in our
tent tonight, you know.

No, mate. You're all right.
Please. Beggsy, please.

Sleep between me and Colleen.

Cos... I'm frightened.

Piss off.

Whoo!

I've got Wagon Wheels. Who wants a
Wagon Wheel?!

Eh! Eh! Eh, you lot!

Keep the bloody noise down, please.

I am trying to drift off to the
mating habits of the spotted red shank.

And my wife is already in bed with
David Starkey.

So, could you please show a little
consideration?

Sorry, it won't happen again.

Chavs.

You all right, Beggsy?
Yeah.

You know what, I think I'll sleep
out here tonight. Under the stars.

Oh, Beggsy, come in with us.

There's something about them shoes,
they make you look proper -

Oh, my God!
Sorry! I'm actually mortified.

You might want to give that a rinse,
Beggsy. She had a full packet of Haribos before.

I can see cola bottles there.

Hey, Daz.

Hurry up. Come on.

It's nice and cosy in here.

All right?

Don't tell Da.

Feels like a dream come true for me.

First time we've slept together.

Not slept slept, just slept.

You know. As in... slept.

But if you wanted to sleep together.
As in... sleep sleep,

then I'm OK with that.

Well, we can just sleep then, eh?

I don't normally do this.

Country air. I've seen many a
city dweller succumb to it.

Thanks for listening to me drone on.

But how would you feel if your dad
was dead and some other bloke started wearing his... I don't know... wellies?

My dad's a bully.

He won't let me have no life.

He don't understand that I've got
needs...

..all over.
Mabel! Where are you?!

It's Da. Quick, he won't like me
doing sexy in here,

he says it spooks the chickens.

You in the barn? The light's on.
Where's me shoe?

There's no time. Go! He'll kill us
both otherwise.

What you doing in here?

Lookin' for summat.

What you lookin' for in haystack?

Needle.

Can't find it though.

Get in the house.

Why do we have to do all the cooking
just cos we're women?

Men don't wash their hands properly.

I wash my hands properly and I'm
making tea, look.

You're practically Heston Blumenthal,
Hodge.

Have you seen Daz? Eh?

Well, he didn't sleep in here last
night.

Daz?!

What have you slept in here for?
Oh, I'm sorry.

I only came to get the Morrissey CD
and I must have nodded off.

Do you want a brew?
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, go on.

I have two sugars, please, Coll.

Right.

Hey, most of the mud's dried on
these but can you still smell pig shit?

Oh, get your feet away from the food!

Why don't you wear your dad's shoes
again? You look smashing in them.

Can't. Not till I get the other one
back.

You back on the horse?

Won the Grand National.

All right?

I was just looking... Looking at your
doors.

They're quite big, aren't they?

I'm really into doors.

I'd like a word with you, boy.

Sorry for falling asleep last night.
No, it's fine.

Although I do have a new name for
you. Mrs Snorer.

That's a rubbish name cos I don't
even snore.

And I don't blow off after a
biryani.

Sorry. Was that too much
information?

No, thanks for the warning cos I was
gonna make egg mayonnaise sarnies for our picnic.

Excuse me? All right, mate?

Ye Gods. We appear to have stumbled
upon some sort of reality TV boot camp.

Oi, pal. Over here.

Just ignore him, darling. Probably on
crack.

Ray.

Yes. What do you want? Just seeing
if you come round here regularly.

Every couple of months. I come for
the twitching, my wife for the Roman forts.

Look, do you know any beauty spots?
Sort of like secluded, like?

Yes but we haven't
got time to discuss them now.

It'll only take two minutes.
Which we haven't got. Goodbye.

I blame the comprehensive system.

I'll break you in two!

Listen, it can be slightly
frustrating setting up wireless.

Let me have a go for you.

My Mabel thinks I is an idiot.

Close that window and... you're
online.

Oh! You've done it.

Good lad. Now get me on that
Facebook thing

so I can find out who she's friends
with.

Who? Mabel.

Oh, she's broken my heart, she has.

I sit in that chair at night
watching her fondling her puppies

wondering how she can do this to me.
Do what?

Sexual shenanigans, that's what.

But now I got this, well, I can see
who she's friends with.

Catch the bastard, knife his balls
off, feed 'em to my pigs.

Don't you think that that might be a
slight over-reaction?

It wouldn't surprise me if it's Bob
Fletcher at Bluebell Farm.

She is a very beautiful woman. She's
bound to attract interest.

What am I supposed to do, stand back
and watch it happen?

No. No, it's good that you're a
protective father but she needs space.

Father? Hmm?

What makes you think I'm her dad?
She calls you Da.

That's right, Da. It's short for
Darren.

Mabel's my wife.

Wife?

Right. Well, I'll leave you to it
and I'll see you later.

Darren.

Oooh. You don't get this at home, do
you?

No. We've got a dishwasher. Which
you never use. Where's Glyn and Julia?

I saw them walking off hand in hand.

Mmm. That's the last we'll see of
them today.

So what are we gonna do?

Can I have a quick word?

While you're having it, grab a
tea-towel.

No. In private.

Excuse me.

Sorry.

You all right, Daz? You look like
you wanna drown yourself in there.

Maybe I should.

I think Colleen's having an affair.
What?

His... wife?
I thought it was his daughter.

This is your fault.

Excuse me! I didn't tell you to go
and sleep with the wife of some shotgun-wielding farmer.

I didn't know it was his wife.

What am I gonna do?
Nothing!

Oh, yeah. Great advice, Hodge. Tip
top.

No. Think about it. You won't say
anything and if she's got any sense she's not gonna say anything.

You're home and dry. Where is the
proof?

There isn't any. Apart from me dad's
shoe in the barn.

You've lost that. No. No, no, no.
I've gotta get that back.

No, you haven't.

Look at me. Beggsy.

Do not spoil this weekend for Kath.

OK?

OK. OK.

Beggsy! Come back here, you... tit!

Nice here, innit?
Yeah, it's lovely.

Oh.
What?

I didn't bring a pudding.

I did.

Chocolate sundae?
My favourite.

Mabel. Mabel.
All right, my lover.

No. I am not your lover. Last night
was a mistake.

It was a nice mistake. But it was
still a mistake.

Why didn't you tell me that you had
a husband?

Threesomes ain't my thing.
What?

No. Look, you remember I left my
shoe in the barn last night.

I need it back. Can you unlock it
and get it for me?

I can't now. I've got to be
somewhere.

Come back to the barn in an hour,
knock three times

and say the following password,

"Abra-abra-cadabra, I wanna reach out
and grab ya."

Abra-abra-cadabra.

Abracadabra.

He thinks what?
Well, that's what he said.

We've got a great sex life so
therefore I'm having an affair.

I've heard it all now. Yeah, he says
you've been trying out new things in the bedroom.

Ha-ha. I might be.

And he thinks you learned this new
stuff from a secret lover.

I'm just trying to zhush things up.

Yeah. Sounds like it.
Don't you judge me, Kath.

Are you judging me?
I'm not judging you.

Me and Hodge can be very
adventurous. Oh, can you?

Yeah. Why do you think we're still
banned from DFS in Alden?

Sorry.

It's beautiful here, in't it? Yeah.

Have you got any more of them
tablets left? No.

Have you got any tissues?
No.

Sorry. Hang on, another one's
coming.

We need to get out of this meadow.
Yeah.

There's gotta be something to do
around here.

There's the pencil museum.
Bet that's a big draw.

That's a good one.
Thank you.

But it's closed. Ever since the
little kid got himself stuck in the giant pencil sharpener.

Took half an inch off his leg.
Would it be possible for us to watch you milk your cows?

No. They're a bit shy.

Mabel. Mabel, are you in there?
Say the password.

You know it's me.
Say it.

I reckon Da's onto me.

Abra-abra-cadabra. I wanna reach out
and grab ya.

Abra-abra-cadabra.

Abracadabra!

I need to find it.
Too right.

When I saw you in the kitchen the
other day, I thought you were all right.

Those shoes.

I couldn't keep my hands off you.

There was something magical about
you.

Something that - someone's coming.

Mabel!

All right, Da?

Still can't find that blooming
needle.

I know he's here.

That one's got no flowers in it.
It's perfect.

Be careful. That sign says the fence
is electric.

Ohhhhh! I can smell burning.

How many times? There's no-one in
here but us chickens!

You scared off all the chickens with
your sexing.

Don't think I don't know what's
going on.

Now, where is he?

What were that?

Chicken?
That weren't no chicken.

So, what do we have here?

A shoe.

And I pity the man who fits it.

So, let's go and find him.

Kath told me what you said to her.

I'm not gonna lie to you, Daz, I have
been sleeping with someone.

I knew it. I bloody knew it.

Just calm down and I will explain.

No. Tell me, do I know him?

Yes, you do know him. Very well,
actually.

Colleen, who is he?

He's a bit of a prick.

But he's sweet. He's got a face only
a mother could love.

He's constantly miserable.

Puts up satellite dishes for a
living.

Shouts out the names of Stockport
County players when we're in bed.

What a tit.

That's me, innit?

I was just spicing things up. I
didn't want you getting bored.

Right. Look...

..can we, er, can we just go back?

To sausage, egg, chips and beans?

Eh? No more toad in the hole.

No toad in the hole.

Get up. Get up. Pack up!

We're going. What's going on?

He knows that I slept with his wife.

It's only a matter of time before he
comes and finds me.

Da is Mabel's husband.

My old man's shoes. They've got
magical sexual powers.

I've got one day left. I'm not
scared of no bloody farmer.

Which one of you done it?

Just act dumb. Like you did when you
were shagging his wife.

All right, Da? How's it hanging?
Hanging from a rope in a minute.

Who done my Mabel? Cowards, right?
Well, I've got evidence.

Put it on.

Now, just wait one second.

I'm telling you now, it's not one of
us.

It's too big. See?

You calling my bluffs? My bluffs is
not to be called.

You do not call my bluffs!

See why I want to go abroad?

You don't get this in Biarritz.

It is a bit flappy, I suppose.

Here you are, mate.

Stop it, Da. I've told you it's not
one of these.

It was just left by a passing tramp.

Don't you lie to me, Mabel.

What kind of tramp can afford fancy
footwear like that?

Donald Tramp? They're way too big
there, mate. I'm sorry.

Her. What? She could have turned
lezzo.

Oh, please. Hang on a minute. There
was four of you.

It won't be Glyn. He's off doing the
biz with his own girlfriend.

No, he's not. Look.

Excuse me, what about David Cameron
over there?

No. He ain't got it in him.

I was just saying. Hey, it's always
the person that you least expect.

Like Inspector Morse.

Yeah. Right.

You lot. You follow me.
Have we missed anything?

Well, looks like you two had a good
time.

Fits him like a glove.

For God's sake, man. That doesn't
prove a thing.

And for your information, I wouldn't
be seen dead in a shoe like this.

Don't you be too sure about that.

Don't kill him, Da.

I'm not gonna kill him. I'm gonna nip
him in the buds.

You can't. You can't hurt my Normie.

Your - Your Normie?
Her Normie?

No. Not another word. Shush.
I can't lie no more.

Da, I didn't mean to hurt you. But I
get so bored stuck out here!

Me and Normie have been having
intimates ever since they started coming here.

So that's why we don't go to
Biarritz.

For God's sake, Jenny, our marriage
has been a frozen wasteland for years.

And whose fault is that?
You shut your dirty mouth up!

There's nothing frozen about my
Jenny. Your Jenny? His Jenny?

I don't follow.
Two can play at that game, Norman.

What do you think Darren and I have
been doing while you've been up in the woods twitching?

This is like Emmerdale on acid.

Da, you're nothing but a...

What's the word I'm looking for?
Psychopath? Hypocrit?

Get packed up, I'll be right with
you. Go!

Listen, everyone, if I may interrupt.

I really don't see the problem here.

Mabel, you said you love your Normie
here.

And, Normie, you love Mabel.

And, Jenny, you have fallen for
the...

..undeniable charms of the lovely
Darren. She has.

So it seems to me it's the perfect
solution.

Why don't you put your troubles
behind you?

Swap partners...

And live... happily... ever after.

Are you related to Jeremy Kyles?

Oh! I like to think my style's
more Oprah

with a bit of vintage Vanessa thrown
in just to, you know, mix things up a bit.

I'll leave you to it.

Why's she taking that shoe with
her, then?

I suppose she's giving it back to
Beggsy.

Who the hell's Beggsy?

The cute one.

Oh, Mabel. You didn't?!

I did.

Sorry, Normie.

You! Come back. Which one's Beggsy?

Get in the car now!

You've shot Marlena!

Who shot Marlena? Who's Marlena?
Sod Marlena, get in the car!

Stockport, Glyn, and step on it.
There's your precious shoe.

I'm sorry, Dad, these shoes are
killers.

Let's go!

I am so looking forward to
getting back to work on Monday.

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