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1
00:00:46,622 --> 00:00:50,621
Five nowt! Five nowt!
We were lucky to get the nowt!
2
00:00:50,622 --> 00:00:53,141
? Oh, when the
Bees go marching in
3
00:00:53,142 --> 00:00:56,621
? Oh, when the Bees go marching in!
4
00:00:56,622 --> 00:00:59,580
Why would bees go marching in?
They'd fly, dickhead!
5
00:00:59,581 --> 00:01:02,060
Dah! Look, you're all upset
cos you lost, didn't you!
6
00:01:02,061 --> 00:01:03,980
And you've gotta live 'oop north'!
7
00:01:03,981 --> 00:01:06,060
'Ooh, can I have some mushy peas,
please?!'
8
00:01:06,061 --> 00:01:09,620
That's if you can afford any, mate.
You got any jobs left up here?
9
00:01:09,621 --> 00:01:13,342
Yeah. We all work in a lemonade
factory so we can keep watering down your shandy.
10
00:01:15,462 --> 00:01:17,180
Won't forget your face, mate.
11
00:01:17,181 --> 00:01:21,140
Course you won't, cos your shandy's
too weak and you can't get bladdered!
12
00:01:21,141 --> 00:01:23,102
Go suck on an ale, Shandy Andy!
13
00:01:23,103 --> 00:01:25,781
Oh, when the Bees go marching
in...
14
00:01:25,782 --> 00:01:28,901
? When the Bees go marching in...!
15
00:01:28,902 --> 00:01:30,862
That told them, didn't it?
16
00:01:35,662 --> 00:01:39,820
Phone, can you tell me what is the
next home game for Stockport?
17
00:01:39,821 --> 00:01:41,662
Any chance you can show off with
that a bit more?
18
00:01:41,663 --> 00:01:44,622
'Search for stock cube.'
Stock cube?
19
00:01:45,542 --> 00:01:48,500
Don't you start. Your phone can't
even ring Julie's number.
20
00:01:48,501 --> 00:01:50,220
Just waiting for the right
moment.
21
00:01:50,221 --> 00:01:54,340
You've been waiting for that
since we left school. Just get her rung. I will. Go on, then.
22
00:01:54,341 --> 00:01:56,902
Who are you, my mother?
You say you'll do it. Do it now!
23
00:01:58,622 --> 00:02:00,422
All right.
Go on.
24
00:02:06,462 --> 00:02:08,142
It's ringing.
25
00:02:09,342 --> 00:02:11,902
It's the answer phone.
All right. Just stay calm.
26
00:02:12,422 --> 00:02:14,342
Be yourself. Keep it brief.
27
00:02:15,582 --> 00:02:17,542
Hi, Julie.
28
00:02:17,862 --> 00:02:19,582
It's Glyn.
29
00:02:21,782 --> 00:02:22,982
Bye.
30
00:02:24,782 --> 00:02:26,861
Well, it was brief.
31
00:02:26,862 --> 00:02:28,860
All it lacked was some heavy
breathing.
32
00:02:28,861 --> 00:02:31,300
Do you know where she lives?
Go round and ask her out?
33
00:02:31,301 --> 00:02:35,140
Oh, I can't do that.
Why not invite her to Hodge's anniversary do tonight?
34
00:02:35,141 --> 00:02:38,660
Defo. More the merrier. You need
to have a good one after last year.
35
00:02:38,661 --> 00:02:41,662
What happened last year?
He threw Kath down the stairs!
36
00:02:41,663 --> 00:02:43,861
I did not throw her!
37
00:02:43,862 --> 00:02:46,300
We had a few drinks. I was carrying
her up the stairs,
38
00:02:46,301 --> 00:02:51,060
she was wearing a silk kimono, lost
my footing and she slipped out of my hands like a wet mackerel.
39
00:02:51,061 --> 00:02:54,100
Here they are! Didn't your team know
it was a lunchtime kick off?
40
00:02:54,101 --> 00:02:57,980
Tell you what, I've got to admire you
lads for sticking with that shower.
41
00:02:57,981 --> 00:03:01,300
But if you wanna see some real
football, United game's just started.
42
00:03:01,301 --> 00:03:04,860
Warren, that's piracy -
streaming games from Scandinavia.
43
00:03:04,861 --> 00:03:09,660
For educational purposes, son!
I'm learning to say 'the referee's a vanker' in Swedish.
44
00:03:09,661 --> 00:03:12,502
Will you please turn it off,
because it reminds me of Colleen.
45
00:03:13,542 --> 00:03:16,461
Yeah, we've been rowing again.
46
00:03:16,462 --> 00:03:19,182
Hang on, hang on, you'll understand
when I tell you why.
47
00:03:19,582 --> 00:03:21,462
She wants me to go to...
48
00:03:22,662 --> 00:03:24,622
Old Trafford.
49
00:03:29,542 --> 00:03:32,381
Why? What-what -
Why would she - Why?!
50
00:03:32,382 --> 00:03:34,740
Dunno. Her company's got a box there.
51
00:03:34,741 --> 00:03:37,220
Free buffet and bar, Colleen's been
invited...
52
00:03:37,221 --> 00:03:39,860
She wants me to go with her.
Old Trafford...
53
00:03:39,861 --> 00:03:42,900
You did say no, didn't you?
Oh, God, that's why we're rowing!
54
00:03:42,901 --> 00:03:45,660
Get yourself a girlfriend, Beggs!
Find out how it works.
55
00:03:45,661 --> 00:03:48,262
Man up, Daz. I want you and Colleen
there tonight.
56
00:03:48,263 --> 00:03:50,021
I want everyone there.
57
00:03:50,022 --> 00:03:51,781
Or at least 10 of you.
58
00:03:51,782 --> 00:03:55,180
Tight arse has got discount vouchers
only valid for 10 or more -
59
00:03:55,181 --> 00:03:57,182
Whoa! United nearly scored then!
60
00:03:57,183 --> 00:04:00,182
See! This is how it starts.
61
00:04:33,142 --> 00:04:35,862
Did you win?
No. Five nil.
62
00:04:38,862 --> 00:04:40,102
Colleen!
63
00:04:40,502 --> 00:04:42,462
I'm - I'm all right about it!
64
00:04:42,463 --> 00:04:44,382
I am!
65
00:04:45,062 --> 00:04:47,220
You see, this is what I'm talking
about.
66
00:04:47,221 --> 00:04:49,500
You could turn that five upside down
at United.
67
00:04:49,501 --> 00:04:53,142
I've just googled their buffet menu.
They do samosas.
68
00:04:53,143 --> 00:04:54,261
Ooh...
69
00:04:54,262 --> 00:04:57,180
Who would have thought they built
paradise at Old Trafford?
70
00:04:57,181 --> 00:05:00,580
So, are you on for tonight? Hodge
needs at least 10 people.
71
00:05:00,581 --> 00:05:03,062
Oh, Daz, when you put it like that,
how can I say no?
72
00:05:04,422 --> 00:05:06,982
The truth is,
Bev's had some bad news.
73
00:05:08,022 --> 00:05:09,222
Eh?
74
00:05:10,262 --> 00:05:14,102
Ian was murdered this morning.
Who's Ian?
75
00:05:15,022 --> 00:05:16,261
Oh...
76
00:05:16,262 --> 00:05:17,741
Ian...
77
00:05:17,742 --> 00:05:19,940
He'll be in heaven now,
won't he, Col?
78
00:05:19,941 --> 00:05:22,302
Where no more Renault Espaces can
run him over.
79
00:05:23,102 --> 00:05:25,421
Yeah, yeah...
80
00:05:25,422 --> 00:05:28,500
You know, you need to grieve alone
and you'll want your own space.
81
00:05:28,501 --> 00:05:31,340
I can always take Colleen out
tonight, you know?
82
00:05:31,341 --> 00:05:34,982
Daz, you're so sweet but Col's gonna
help me with my poem.
83
00:05:35,662 --> 00:05:36,741
Poem?
84
00:05:36,742 --> 00:05:39,580
For Ian's book of condolences
web page. Hmm...
85
00:05:39,581 --> 00:05:42,022
Like what they did with Lady Di,
only online.
86
00:05:44,022 --> 00:05:47,102
It begins,
'Dearest Ian, up in heaven...'
87
00:05:48,782 --> 00:05:50,581
That's as far as I got.
88
00:05:50,582 --> 00:05:53,342
Oh, OK. Er... What about this?
89
00:05:54,822 --> 00:05:56,982
Dearest Ian, up in heaven
90
00:05:58,942 --> 00:06:01,702
I always wondered,
is it a bit like Devon.
91
00:06:03,902 --> 00:06:05,901
Mmm... no.
92
00:06:05,902 --> 00:06:07,702
He never went to Devon.
93
00:06:11,062 --> 00:06:12,781
Hi, Julie. All right?
94
00:06:12,782 --> 00:06:15,220
Yeah, I were just passing. I'm on my
way to the shops.
95
00:06:15,221 --> 00:06:17,820
I-I come this way because,
one, it's quicker
96
00:06:17,821 --> 00:06:20,702
and two, I miss out all the lights
on the main road.
97
00:06:21,462 --> 00:06:23,900
It doesn't matter why I was passing,
does it?
98
00:06:23,901 --> 00:06:26,140
It's normal to pass. People pass all
the time!
99
00:06:26,141 --> 00:06:28,222
Just give me a break, will you?
This is hard!
100
00:06:30,982 --> 00:06:33,902
This is ridiculous. She might not
even be in.
101
00:06:40,182 --> 00:06:42,261
Ha ha, there she is!
102
00:06:42,262 --> 00:06:45,981
My pride and joy!
'Ey, guess where I am.
103
00:06:45,982 --> 00:06:48,022
Grandma's!
104
00:06:48,462 --> 00:06:51,101
Hiya, Grandma.
Hello, Kelly, love!
105
00:06:51,102 --> 00:06:52,780
Mum, it's got a microphone.
106
00:06:52,781 --> 00:06:55,022
You don't have to shout all the way
to Australia.
107
00:06:56,702 --> 00:06:59,061
You all right, love?
Yeah, tired.
108
00:06:59,062 --> 00:07:00,860
It's already midnight here.
109
00:07:00,861 --> 00:07:02,820
Is it really? Isn't that clever.
110
00:07:02,821 --> 00:07:04,340
I've just been to Morrisons.
111
00:07:04,341 --> 00:07:07,700
'Ey, and you'll never guess what,
they've moved the goujons.
112
00:07:07,701 --> 00:07:10,062
All right. She's not gonna
wanna know about that!
113
00:07:10,063 --> 00:07:14,661
Well, she used to love goujons.
You still up. Oh, hello, Beggsy.
114
00:07:14,662 --> 00:07:17,221
All right, Mandy.
115
00:07:17,222 --> 00:07:19,342
Oh, hang on.
I just wanna show you something.
116
00:07:22,662 --> 00:07:24,382
'Ey, she's growing up, isn't she?
117
00:07:25,942 --> 00:07:27,942
Oh, God, you smell great!
118
00:07:28,622 --> 00:07:30,341
Wayne...
Huh? What?
119
00:07:30,342 --> 00:07:33,222
Oh! Hi, Beggsy.
120
00:07:35,542 --> 00:07:39,502
How's the weather there, Wayne?
Oh, the usual, hot and sunny. There?
121
00:07:39,503 --> 00:07:43,381
Shit awful.
Look, I got this at the surf club.
122
00:07:43,382 --> 00:07:45,261
Oh-oh, wow!
123
00:07:45,262 --> 00:07:47,220
Yeah, she's come along great, eh?
124
00:07:47,221 --> 00:07:52,262
If you don't mind, I think I'd
better get a certain young lady to bed. It's way past her bedtime.
125
00:07:52,263 --> 00:07:54,021
OK. Night, Dad!
126
00:07:54,022 --> 00:07:55,702
Night, love!
127
00:07:58,342 --> 00:08:00,462
Well, see you, then.
Yeah.
128
00:08:03,262 --> 00:08:06,422
Look, she's only got the one dad.
It's OK. I'm fine.
129
00:08:07,462 --> 00:08:08,742
I AM!
130
00:08:10,102 --> 00:08:12,422
Come on. Tell me about these bloody
goujons!
131
00:08:12,423 --> 00:08:14,301
Ooh, it were anarchy!
132
00:08:14,302 --> 00:08:16,262
It were like the riots all over
again.
133
00:08:16,902 --> 00:08:19,462
Hiya!
134
00:08:21,542 --> 00:08:24,301
I got your text.
'Just passing. Glyn.'
135
00:08:24,302 --> 00:08:26,782
Nearly as short as your answer phone
message.
136
00:08:32,582 --> 00:08:34,702
Right, OK, then. I'll - I'll see ya.
137
00:08:36,262 --> 00:08:38,061
Paddy Hodgkinson!
138
00:08:38,062 --> 00:08:39,782
Remember him?
139
00:08:41,102 --> 00:08:44,420
Erm... Once, he forgot
to do his flies up after PE.
140
00:08:44,421 --> 00:08:47,900
Oh, yeah, Hodge the Todge?
Yeah. It's his anniversary tonight.
141
00:08:47,901 --> 00:08:50,740
He's having this posh do in
Manchester and he's paying. Huh?
142
00:08:50,741 --> 00:08:53,020
So I was wondering if -
Tonight? Oh, I can't.
143
00:08:53,021 --> 00:08:55,742
I've got my salsa class down the
Legion, you know?
144
00:08:55,743 --> 00:08:58,102
I never miss it, so...
145
00:08:59,502 --> 00:09:03,142
Well, you know, but maybe we could go
out some other time? Yeah. OK.
146
00:09:03,143 --> 00:09:05,781
Great. Well, call me. I'll call you.
147
00:09:05,782 --> 00:09:08,542
Or text you. Yeah...
Nice to meet you.
148
00:09:09,022 --> 00:09:11,142
See ya! See ya. Nice to see ya...
149
00:09:12,262 --> 00:09:14,342
OK, then.
150
00:09:24,822 --> 00:09:26,182
You're bloody useless.
151
00:09:30,582 --> 00:09:32,062
Wow!
152
00:09:33,582 --> 00:09:35,502
You should see what's underneath.
153
00:09:36,462 --> 00:09:38,862
Boo!
'Ey! Fun first, filth later.
154
00:09:39,742 --> 00:09:44,582
Ahh... Such a nice idea inviting
your best man and my bridesmaids.
155
00:09:44,982 --> 00:09:47,702
See, brings the whole day back
somehow.
156
00:09:47,703 --> 00:09:49,701
You walking down that aisle.
157
00:09:49,702 --> 00:09:52,142
And you shaking like a shitting dog.
158
00:09:52,782 --> 00:09:58,302
Hiya, Jan! It's me. Just calling to
say we're all meeting in the bar at six tonight, not seven.
159
00:09:58,303 --> 00:09:59,741
So...
160
00:09:59,742 --> 00:10:01,782
My anniversary do?
161
00:10:02,862 --> 00:10:06,422
Well, you should all know about it.
Didn't you get Hodges' email?
162
00:10:06,423 --> 00:10:08,302
Well, where are you?
163
00:10:08,862 --> 00:10:11,302
The Isle of bloody Skye?
What you doing there?
164
00:10:12,262 --> 00:10:13,942
Weekend break! Right.
165
00:10:14,982 --> 00:10:16,821
Stormy there, is it?
166
00:10:16,822 --> 00:10:19,902
Yeah, I think it's gonna get stormy
here in a minute, as well.
167
00:10:23,662 --> 00:10:27,780
Salsa classes? And you've just
accepted that? Then you let her go off on her merry way?
168
00:10:27,781 --> 00:10:29,400
Well, I'll be seeing her again.
169
00:10:29,476 --> 00:10:31,595
Did your mother drop you on your head
when you were a baby?
170
00:10:31,677 --> 00:10:34,798
People don't go to salsa classes to
dance, you dippy sod!
171
00:10:34,814 --> 00:10:39,412
They go there to meet people.
She's on the pull, this Julie girl!
172
00:10:39,413 --> 00:10:42,052
No way...
It's a knocking shop!
173
00:10:42,053 --> 00:10:44,293
They're there to try
and get their leg over!
174
00:10:45,933 --> 00:10:48,411
Er... Where are these classes taking
place?
175
00:10:48,412 --> 00:10:50,491
At the Legion.
You know, down Desford Road.
176
00:10:50,492 --> 00:10:52,491
The Legion, them bloody sleazebags!
177
00:10:52,492 --> 00:10:54,651
I'd get down there pretty sharp
if I was you!
178
00:10:54,652 --> 00:10:56,651
Yeah, you're right, you're right.
179
00:10:56,652 --> 00:10:59,331
Oh...
Wait there, have another drink, lad.
180
00:10:59,332 --> 00:11:03,011
Don't wanna appear too desperate. Bit
of Dutch courage! Oh, cheers, Warren.
181
00:11:03,012 --> 00:11:06,173
Heh heh... That'll er... be �2.80,
please, son.
182
00:11:09,173 --> 00:11:12,973
No, Meera, it's fine. You can't get
a babysitter, you can't get one.
183
00:11:12,974 --> 00:11:17,213
It's our fault. Well, it's Hodges'
fault. See ya.
184
00:11:17,533 --> 00:11:20,291
Brilliant! You've told all my
friends the WRONG date!
185
00:11:20,292 --> 00:11:23,411
Typo on the email. It's a mistake
anybody could make.
186
00:11:23,412 --> 00:11:25,171
But which you specialise in!
187
00:11:25,172 --> 00:11:28,973
No, Donna, no Meena, Jan's
away. Did you contact Summer?
188
00:11:28,974 --> 00:11:31,012
Summer? No.
189
00:11:31,013 --> 00:11:33,733
Brilliant! I'll have no
bridesmaids there!
190
00:11:33,734 --> 00:11:37,532
So, basically, it's a lads' night
out plus me!
191
00:11:37,533 --> 00:11:40,572
No, no. Colleen's coming.
She's a girl.
192
00:11:40,573 --> 00:11:45,931
Sweetheart, you do not wanna know
what will happen if anything else goes wrong tonight,
193
00:11:45,932 --> 00:11:49,373
but it will involve your testicles
and my curling tongs.
194
00:12:06,173 --> 00:12:08,091
What the bloody hell are you doing
here?
195
00:12:08,092 --> 00:12:10,131
I've come to give you moral support.
196
00:12:10,132 --> 00:12:13,331
Let her see you've got mates.
Mates with bad dress sense?
197
00:12:13,332 --> 00:12:15,571
Christ...
Genuine silk this, lad.
198
00:12:15,572 --> 00:12:19,411
All the way from bloody Italy.
You can glare it back, the wingspan of that collar!
199
00:12:19,412 --> 00:12:21,773
Come on, which one is she, the lovely
Julie?
200
00:12:25,093 --> 00:12:28,132
Oh, dear me.
What, she's gorgeous.
201
00:12:28,133 --> 00:12:30,372
Absolutely. Every bloke in here
202
00:12:30,373 --> 00:12:33,533
will be drawn to her like sharks
to a bloody candle.
203
00:12:36,013 --> 00:12:38,533
She's seen us! All right. Please.
204
00:12:42,453 --> 00:12:43,653
Glyn?
205
00:12:44,973 --> 00:12:46,132
Julie?!
206
00:12:46,133 --> 00:12:48,412
Huh! It's - It's Julie.
207
00:12:48,413 --> 00:12:51,492
What... Julie...
Fancy seeing you here.
208
00:12:51,493 --> 00:12:56,251
I told you I was coming here. Erm...
What are you doing here with erm...
209
00:12:56,252 --> 00:12:59,131
Oh, I'm Warren. I'm a mate of Glyn's.
Not really.
210
00:12:59,132 --> 00:13:03,613
He's been drinking in my pub since he
was that high. Nice lad. Soft in the head but he means well.
211
00:13:04,133 --> 00:13:07,291
Oh, and he's single, you know? Been
single for a few years -
212
00:13:07,292 --> 00:13:10,851
Shouldn't you be going?
What about that girl you went with a few years ago?
213
00:13:10,852 --> 00:13:13,453
What was her name - the big, the
big heavy girl, worked in Greggs'.
214
00:13:13,454 --> 00:13:15,852
Always smelt of pasties.
Sharon.
215
00:13:15,853 --> 00:13:18,731
Even Sharon dumped him and then he
was devastated
216
00:13:18,732 --> 00:13:21,893
because she'd slip him the old
free sausage rolls, you see.
217
00:13:22,773 --> 00:13:24,012
Oh...
218
00:13:24,013 --> 00:13:28,733
Right, yeah, the class is starting
now. Er... Have you come to join us?
219
00:13:28,734 --> 00:13:29,773
Yeah!
220
00:13:32,373 --> 00:13:34,052
Yeah.
221
00:13:34,053 --> 00:13:38,651
Because you were saying you were
coming here and I thought, 'Glyn, why don't you give it a whirl?'
222
00:13:38,652 --> 00:13:41,331
I thought you were going
for a meal with Hodge the Todge?
223
00:13:41,332 --> 00:13:43,813
Cancelled that. Last minute.
Oh... Right, great.
224
00:13:43,814 --> 00:13:45,612
Well, come on.
225
00:13:45,613 --> 00:13:49,012
Are... Are you joining us?
Oh, yes - No.
226
00:13:49,013 --> 00:13:51,493
Oh, yes. I'll teach you young 'uns a
thing or two!
227
00:13:53,653 --> 00:13:55,652
Ooh... Ow...
228
00:13:55,653 --> 00:13:57,053
Oh.
229
00:13:57,293 --> 00:14:00,053
Always remember, warm up first.
That's the first rule.
230
00:14:02,373 --> 00:14:04,293
Bit of a twinge...
231
00:14:14,413 --> 00:14:17,092
You sure you'll be OK, Bev?
I'm fine.
232
00:14:17,093 --> 00:14:21,293
You go and have a good time. I never
realised you had a sensitive side, Daz.
233
00:14:22,893 --> 00:14:25,093
I always thought you were a selfish
twat.
234
00:14:26,613 --> 00:14:28,333
Thanks so much for the poem.
235
00:14:28,334 --> 00:14:30,252
'Oh no, do not grieve for me
236
00:14:30,253 --> 00:14:32,812
It's great up here with no doggies
237
00:14:32,813 --> 00:14:35,173
Now stop crying,
get on with your life
238
00:14:35,174 --> 00:14:36,972
And buy another moggy.'
239
00:14:36,973 --> 00:14:39,173
Perfect.
I think so.
240
00:14:39,533 --> 00:14:41,213
Come on, Wordsworth.
241
00:14:42,013 --> 00:14:44,333
See you later, Bev.
242
00:14:45,973 --> 00:14:47,732
Hiya!
243
00:14:47,733 --> 00:14:49,653
Happy anniversary!
244
00:14:50,213 --> 00:14:52,491
Right, then, let's get
this show running.
245
00:14:52,492 --> 00:14:54,211
We've had some cancellations.
246
00:14:54,212 --> 00:14:57,653
They're not cancellations if they
weren't invited in the first place.
247
00:14:57,654 --> 00:14:59,972
Anniversary! Celebration!
248
00:14:59,973 --> 00:15:02,211
Can we please start having
a good time!
249
00:15:02,212 --> 00:15:05,053
You sound like the Child Catcher,
when you raise your voice.
250
00:15:10,213 --> 00:15:12,052
Hola, everybody.
251
00:15:12,053 --> 00:15:13,293
Salsa...
252
00:15:13,893 --> 00:15:15,652
is-a lik-a life.
253
00:15:15,653 --> 00:15:18,171
The more you put into it, the more
you get out.
254
00:15:18,172 --> 00:15:22,171
Now, salsa has been a part of my
people's culture for generations.
255
00:15:22,172 --> 00:15:24,013
He sounds as though
he's from Burnley.
256
00:15:24,014 --> 00:15:26,932
And now I share my culture with you.
257
00:15:26,933 --> 00:15:28,891
This is an intermediate class,
258
00:15:28,892 --> 00:15:32,491
so if there's anyone who hasn't
danced salsa before, now's the time
259
00:15:32,492 --> 00:15:36,133
to raise your hand so that I can be
the partner through the basics.
260
00:15:36,134 --> 00:15:38,652
Piece of piss, this.
261
00:15:38,653 --> 00:15:43,251
Laura and Jonathan - me star pupils
- will show you today's new routine.
262
00:15:43,252 --> 00:15:45,133
It's a basic hammer-lock
combination.
263
00:15:48,773 --> 00:15:50,492
Five, six, seven and...
264
00:15:50,493 --> 00:15:52,293
one, two, three, five, six, seven...
265
00:15:52,613 --> 00:15:54,693
three, two, three, five, six, seven.
266
00:15:55,013 --> 00:15:57,093
Eight, two, three...
267
00:16:11,493 --> 00:16:15,413
Oh, this looks nice. Drop us
here. We can't walk in these heels.
268
00:16:15,414 --> 00:16:17,853
Yup. Right. See you in a minute.
269
00:16:22,293 --> 00:16:24,253
Come on. Let's find somewhere to
park.
270
00:16:31,253 --> 00:16:33,452
'Ey, look at this!
271
00:16:33,453 --> 00:16:35,972
Classy or what?
Where's the bar?
272
00:16:35,973 --> 00:16:40,051
Dunno. When we find it we're
ordering something expensive and unpronounceable.
273
00:16:40,052 --> 00:16:42,973
Hodge is paying for tonight.
It's over here.
274
00:16:44,173 --> 00:16:47,093
Right. Now it's your turn.
Partners, first of all.
275
00:16:52,493 --> 00:16:55,011
Sorry, Julie, thought
- thought we could dance.
276
00:16:55,012 --> 00:17:00,013
Oh, we will. Jonathan's going to
help me out me out with this tricky move. So... OK. Good. Good.
277
00:17:00,014 --> 00:17:02,013
Good luck.
278
00:17:04,213 --> 00:17:06,573
'Ey, that cheeky cow said she didn't
like my shirt!
279
00:17:08,053 --> 00:17:10,492
Excuse me...
Gerado.
280
00:17:10,493 --> 00:17:12,291
Sorry. We haven't got any women.
281
00:17:12,292 --> 00:17:15,333
It don't matter who your partner is,
as long as you feel the music.
282
00:17:21,613 --> 00:17:24,133
Come on, son, you're in safe
hands.
283
00:17:24,493 --> 00:17:26,612
One, two, three...
284
00:17:26,613 --> 00:17:30,812
Down on one knee, not -
Watch your knees, you dumb...
285
00:17:30,813 --> 00:17:33,053
I've gotta turn.
I've gotta turn now...
286
00:17:33,054 --> 00:17:35,932
Don't follow them! Follow me!
287
00:17:35,933 --> 00:17:37,613
Around, two, three...
288
00:17:39,133 --> 00:17:41,051
Lend yourself. Give yourself to me.
289
00:17:41,052 --> 00:17:42,811
I don't wanna give myself to you.
290
00:17:42,812 --> 00:17:44,531
So, let me get this straight.
291
00:17:44,532 --> 00:17:47,933
You told your six-year-old nephew
that Fireman Sam was gay.
292
00:17:47,934 --> 00:17:50,532
I just said I had my suspicions.
Why?
293
00:17:50,533 --> 00:17:53,171
Most fireman are beating women
off with a shitty stick, aren't they?
294
00:17:53,172 --> 00:17:55,571
I've never seen Sam so much as look
at a woman.
295
00:17:55,572 --> 00:17:57,893
Every thought of being a child
psychologist?
296
00:18:05,133 --> 00:18:08,251
You've killed him.
Oh, my God! You've killed him!
297
00:18:08,252 --> 00:18:11,171
It wasn't my fault!
No, he's not dead. He's moving.
298
00:18:11,172 --> 00:18:13,931
It's your fault, banging on about
Fireman friggin' Sam!
299
00:18:13,932 --> 00:18:17,013
Shut up about Fireman Sam! Let's
just... Just get him up!
300
00:18:17,773 --> 00:18:19,732
Come on! Come on, then.
301
00:18:19,733 --> 00:18:22,253
Come on. Get him on the pavement.
Come on.
302
00:18:22,254 --> 00:18:24,453
Watch your legs.
There we are.
303
00:18:26,573 --> 00:18:29,613
You all right? He can't talk.
He hit his head, he's brain damaged.
304
00:18:29,614 --> 00:18:31,332
No, no, no. He's drunk.
305
00:18:31,333 --> 00:18:33,052
Are you OK, pal?
306
00:18:33,053 --> 00:18:34,852
I gotta - Yeah, get back!
307
00:18:34,853 --> 00:18:37,331
What did he say?
Er... get back. Gotta get back.
308
00:18:37,332 --> 00:18:39,211
Get back...
Why's he saying get back?
309
00:18:39,212 --> 00:18:41,931
Maybe he's a Beatle fan?
He wants to get back somewhere.
310
00:18:41,932 --> 00:18:44,211
It's like having Hercule Poirot
as a mate!
311
00:18:44,212 --> 00:18:46,091
Look... I've gotta get back.
312
00:18:46,092 --> 00:18:48,253
Get back.
Where are you from, pal?
313
00:18:48,254 --> 00:18:50,532
London! Ooh-ooh...
314
00:18:50,533 --> 00:18:54,211
There we go. He needs to get back to
London. On fire tonight, aren't you?
315
00:18:54,212 --> 00:18:57,251
It's OK. It's OK. Crash is over.
Let's go. Not our problem.
316
00:18:57,252 --> 00:18:59,493
Wh - wh - hang on! The train
station's just there.
317
00:19:00,453 --> 00:19:02,653
Come on. It'll take us five minutes.
318
00:19:02,654 --> 00:19:05,853
Please, please, please. I've got to
get back.
319
00:19:09,573 --> 00:19:11,333
All right. Come on.
320
00:19:12,933 --> 00:19:14,973
Here, under his shoulder...
There we go!
321
00:19:16,773 --> 00:19:21,412
Phone, when is the next train from
Manchester to London?
322
00:19:21,413 --> 00:19:24,491
'Checking trains from
Manchester, New England...'
323
00:19:24,492 --> 00:19:26,293
No, Manchester UK, you twat!
324
00:19:26,294 --> 00:19:29,653
'Twat. OK. Twat. Checking...'
325
00:19:31,573 --> 00:19:33,813
Here y'are, mate.
326
00:19:35,853 --> 00:19:38,652
Right. Done.
Whoa... What you doing?
327
00:19:38,653 --> 00:19:41,571
Checking if he's got a ticket.
Check his trouser pockets.
328
00:19:41,572 --> 00:19:44,813
You check his trouser pockets.
You had to play the Good Samaritan.
329
00:19:49,453 --> 00:19:51,653
Ooh, ey, ey! Ooh!
330
00:19:52,493 --> 00:19:54,212
Any excuse, eh?!
331
00:19:54,213 --> 00:19:56,011
Whoo! Something moved!
What?
332
00:19:56,012 --> 00:19:59,411
What do you think? Get off! Right,
come on. Let's get him on the train.
333
00:19:59,412 --> 00:20:04,651
No, let's not. If I don't get back
soon, that thing that you just touched on him will be cut off me!
334
00:20:04,652 --> 00:20:07,411
How many times have we been him?
How would you have felt
335
00:20:07,412 --> 00:20:09,893
if we'd not fished you out of
Cardiff Bay that time?
336
00:20:10,933 --> 00:20:12,973
Or left you with that tranny in
Leeds.
337
00:20:14,573 --> 00:20:16,573
What happens in Leeds,
stays in Leeds.
338
00:20:18,653 --> 00:20:20,492
All right.
339
00:20:20,493 --> 00:20:22,852
Here we go.
All right.
340
00:20:22,853 --> 00:20:25,733
Hang on, mate.
Sorry, mate. Watch it. Sorry, love.
341
00:20:25,734 --> 00:20:27,493
Come on, pal...
342
00:20:29,493 --> 00:20:31,293
Nice one.
343
00:20:31,773 --> 00:20:33,733
Whoa, whoa...
344
00:20:34,853 --> 00:20:37,771
Just take your time. It doesn't go
out for ages.
345
00:20:37,772 --> 00:20:39,771
This one here. Thank you.
There we go.
346
00:20:39,772 --> 00:20:42,931
Whoa, whoa, whoa...
All right, mate. Can you hear me?
347
00:20:42,932 --> 00:20:46,411
I've written my name on the back of
the receipt, yeah?
348
00:20:46,412 --> 00:20:48,293
You just send me a cheque for the
ticket.
349
00:20:48,294 --> 00:20:50,052
Come on.
350
00:20:50,053 --> 00:20:51,853
Look after him, won't you?
Come on!
351
00:20:52,773 --> 00:20:54,613
Job's a good 'un!
352
00:21:08,373 --> 00:21:11,013
No, you divvy, it's elbows in and
turn there.
353
00:21:12,573 --> 00:21:15,693
Gracias! OK, everyone change.
354
00:21:17,853 --> 00:21:19,893
Oops...
Hey...
355
00:21:31,133 --> 00:21:33,573
Oh, bloody hell, son! Hang on a
minute, will you!
356
00:21:34,933 --> 00:21:36,731
Hope you've warmed your hands up. OK?
357
00:21:36,732 --> 00:21:39,453
Bear with me. I'm still learning.
Yeah, that's fine. OK.
358
00:21:41,053 --> 00:21:43,333
That's it. And... One, two, three...
359
00:21:44,293 --> 00:21:45,932
Oh! Ow!
360
00:21:45,933 --> 00:21:48,053
Sorry. You all right? Yes. I'm fine.
361
00:21:48,054 --> 00:21:50,133
Fine.
Sorry.
362
00:21:50,853 --> 00:21:53,053
One, two, three, one, two, three...
363
00:21:53,054 --> 00:21:54,933
One, two... Hey!
364
00:21:58,573 --> 00:22:01,813
All right. You just follow me and try
and keep... OK?
365
00:22:04,853 --> 00:22:05,893
Whoo!
366
00:22:06,493 --> 00:22:09,813
I must say, Jonathan, you're very
masterful.
367
00:22:14,573 --> 00:22:16,933
Feels good, don't it?
Er... What does?
368
00:22:16,934 --> 00:22:19,572
A little act of human kindness.
369
00:22:19,573 --> 00:22:22,412
They're here.
Let's get the drinks in.
370
00:22:22,413 --> 00:22:25,052
Two more char... Char... of these
371
00:22:25,053 --> 00:22:26,893
and three pints of bitter, please.
372
00:22:29,653 --> 00:22:32,773
Hello. I've got a table booked for
tonight. Name of Hodgkinson.
373
00:22:32,774 --> 00:22:36,173
Ah, yes, sir.
And with the promotional voucher.
374
00:22:45,053 --> 00:22:47,772
Sorted?
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa...
375
00:22:47,773 --> 00:22:48,813
Look.
376
00:22:53,893 --> 00:22:55,853
Didn't we just put that fella on a
train?
377
00:23:00,773 --> 00:23:03,132
Oh, my God. Right!
378
00:23:03,133 --> 00:23:07,653
I reckon we've got about 10 minutes.
Hang on! I'm not going back for him.
379
00:23:07,654 --> 00:23:10,253
He's the groom.
It's his wedding day.
380
00:23:10,773 --> 00:23:12,813
You go over there, tell her what
we've done.
381
00:23:25,653 --> 00:23:27,493
Sorry!
Sorry!
382
00:23:34,053 --> 00:23:36,052
There he is! Come on!
383
00:23:36,053 --> 00:23:38,491
All right, mate. Quick.
Come on. Quick!
384
00:23:38,492 --> 00:23:40,571
Pick him up!
It's OK, love. We've just gotta
385
00:23:40,572 --> 00:23:43,413
get him back to his wedding.
Thanks for looking after him.
386
00:23:43,414 --> 00:23:45,852
This way. This way. No, no, no!
387
00:23:45,853 --> 00:23:47,651
That way. That way.
Come on!
388
00:23:47,652 --> 00:23:50,213
Doors are closing!
Come on! The train's going!
389
00:23:50,214 --> 00:23:51,932
It's going, come on!
390
00:23:51,933 --> 00:23:54,413
Out of the way,
last night of the proms!
391
00:24:03,653 --> 00:24:06,013
At least it's an anniversary
you'll remember!
392
00:24:12,861 --> 00:24:16,259
Where's it going? Where's this train
going? London, at a wild guess?
393
00:24:16,315 --> 00:24:18,036
Yes, but where's it stopping?
394
00:24:18,996 --> 00:24:22,834
Mate, where's this train stop
first? Stockport. Oh, yes!
395
00:24:22,835 --> 00:24:26,676
Right, we get off. We get into a
cab. We'll be back at the hotel within half an hour.
396
00:24:27,196 --> 00:24:30,034
So, tickets?
No. No, this is an accident.
397
00:24:30,035 --> 00:24:33,034
We're not supposed to be on this
train. Oh, I know, neither am I.
398
00:24:33,035 --> 00:24:35,714
I'm supposed to be on the West End
stage, but here we are.
399
00:24:35,715 --> 00:24:38,676
So, three tickets to Stockport,
that'll be �9.00 please.
400
00:24:41,676 --> 00:24:43,914
I've been watching. You're
not intermediate.
401
00:24:43,915 --> 00:24:46,834
You're all over the place. You
nearly crippled Mrs Barkett.
402
00:24:46,835 --> 00:24:51,556
It was her fault. She was hoop
turning when she should have been hammer locking. You're a menace, you!
403
00:24:54,036 --> 00:24:57,234
Get out. You're banned!
Oh! Ho ho! Well, what a bloody shame!
404
00:24:57,235 --> 00:24:59,556
We only came here for the women,
didn't we, Glyn?
405
00:25:00,756 --> 00:25:04,274
You're banned as well.
That's not fair. Glyn hasn't done anything wrong.
406
00:25:04,275 --> 00:25:06,036
Yeah, come on. I'm doing well here.
407
00:25:07,076 --> 00:25:09,635
Dancing. Not... Just, just dancing.
408
00:25:09,636 --> 00:25:13,676
All right, Strictly ballbag! I'm
going, aren't I?! Come on, Glyn.
409
00:25:20,916 --> 00:25:22,954
That bride don't look too happy,
does she?
410
00:25:22,955 --> 00:25:25,194
Weddings - they're a killer on the
nerves.
411
00:25:25,195 --> 00:25:27,634
Hodge was like a quivering jelly at
ours.
412
00:25:27,635 --> 00:25:30,234
Everyone thought he'd pissed
himself. You're joking?
413
00:25:30,235 --> 00:25:33,114
Well, he hadn't really. Went to
splash water on his face.
414
00:25:33,115 --> 00:25:36,514
But you know them powerful taps.
Whoosh, all over his groin.
415
00:25:36,515 --> 00:25:41,476
No sod believed him. That's
why in our wedding photos he's holding a bouquet over his trousers.
416
00:25:43,516 --> 00:25:46,236
What about Daz? He once
got drunk and pissed in the fridge.
417
00:25:46,676 --> 00:25:48,756
Ooh... No, I meant marriage.
418
00:25:50,356 --> 00:25:53,994
Marriage? Maybe, but only when I've
house-trained him. Good girl.
419
00:25:53,995 --> 00:25:56,756
And if you ever do get spliced,
I wanna be bridesmaid.
420
00:25:56,757 --> 00:26:00,595
Hold on. Did someone say bridesmaid?
Summer is here!
421
00:26:00,596 --> 00:26:02,835
Hello, you.
422
00:26:02,836 --> 00:26:05,235
Ooh!
Hiya, Summer!
423
00:26:05,236 --> 00:26:06,954
Oh, you do remember me, then!
424
00:26:06,955 --> 00:26:10,154
Hello, my name's Kath and I hardly
call my friends, now I'm married!
425
00:26:10,155 --> 00:26:13,516
You heard her say that, didn't you?
This is Colleen, Daz's girlfriend.
426
00:26:13,517 --> 00:26:15,355
You go out with Daz Taylor.
427
00:26:15,356 --> 00:26:18,076
Christ, what sort of sin did you
commit in a former life?!
428
00:26:18,077 --> 00:26:20,236
She's joking!
429
00:26:20,556 --> 00:26:22,354
Summer's one of my oldest friends.
430
00:26:22,355 --> 00:26:24,154
Oldest and more, thank you very much!
431
00:26:24,155 --> 00:26:28,876
There are things about this woman
that only me and a shared bottle of Southern Comfort will ever know.
432
00:26:29,396 --> 00:26:32,634
Oh, it's all right! Turned out to be
negative in the end, didn't it?
433
00:26:32,635 --> 00:26:35,554
Right. Drinks! Come on. I wanna get
us pissed,
434
00:26:35,555 --> 00:26:39,156
celebrate this bloody anniversary and
have a right good larda palava!
435
00:26:40,436 --> 00:26:42,676
Waiter, we're waiting!
436
00:26:47,116 --> 00:26:49,116
F - For better...
437
00:26:49,276 --> 00:26:51,475
Ow! Ow - for worse. I dunno...
438
00:26:51,476 --> 00:26:54,674
'If you are leaving us
here, please remember to take all
439
00:26:54,675 --> 00:26:58,354
of your personal belongings with
you. The next station stop is Stockport.'
440
00:26:58,355 --> 00:27:02,396
All our belongings, yeah. Very funny!
Come on. Let's go. Come on.
441
00:27:02,397 --> 00:27:05,236
'Give my regards
to sunny Stockport.'
442
00:27:05,876 --> 00:27:09,034
Come on, come on, come on.
Slow down. Watch the step, mate.
443
00:27:09,035 --> 00:27:11,994
There's a step there.
The flowers are lovely, aren't they!
444
00:27:11,995 --> 00:27:14,234
There's a train back to Manchester
in - now.
445
00:27:14,235 --> 00:27:16,836
Platform 1. Over there. Move it,
lads!
446
00:27:18,596 --> 00:27:20,316
Come on. Come on. Come on!
447
00:27:20,317 --> 00:27:22,036
Oh, excuse me. Thank you.
448
00:27:22,556 --> 00:27:25,236
Look out!
Come on, come on, come on!
449
00:27:29,076 --> 00:27:30,995
Sorry, mate!
450
00:27:30,996 --> 00:27:35,395
Come on, come on, come on, come on!
Shit! Missed it!
451
00:27:35,396 --> 00:27:41,116
Platform alteration.
The Manchester train will now leave from Platform 3A.
452
00:27:41,956 --> 00:27:43,875
Bloody hell! Come on!
453
00:27:43,876 --> 00:27:46,395
Come on! Now!
454
00:27:46,396 --> 00:27:48,835
Come on. Come on. Come on!
455
00:27:48,836 --> 00:27:50,555
Whoa, whoa, whoa...
456
00:27:50,556 --> 00:27:52,474
Come on. This is it.
No, it's not.
457
00:27:52,475 --> 00:27:54,674
It's one more along. It's
one more along!
458
00:27:54,675 --> 00:27:57,316
Are you sure?
Course I'm sure. Come on!
459
00:27:57,317 --> 00:27:59,756
Is this allowed?
Come on!
460
00:28:25,036 --> 00:28:27,274
Oh, did we not fancy Stockport,
in the end?
461
00:28:27,275 --> 00:28:30,714
Well, it's hardly St Tropez, is it?
Oh, you are joking me.
462
00:28:30,715 --> 00:28:34,516
Just sit back and enjoy the ride.
Where does this train stop next?
463
00:28:34,517 --> 00:28:35,676
Stoke.
464
00:28:36,476 --> 00:28:38,274
Oh, Stoke, Stoke's all right.
465
00:28:38,275 --> 00:28:40,634
Ordinarily. Unfortunately, this
weekend,
466
00:28:40,635 --> 00:28:42,554
due to planned engineering works,
467
00:28:42,555 --> 00:28:45,116
we'll be shooting straight on through
to London.
468
00:28:46,156 --> 00:28:48,116
So... tickets.
469
00:28:56,036 --> 00:28:58,554
Now, Julie, can I just say -
I bloody love coming here.
470
00:28:58,555 --> 00:29:03,154
You speak first. Gerado thinks I
invited you and he's threatening to ban me too. That's not on.
471
00:29:03,155 --> 00:29:06,514
No, Glyn, what is not on is you
stalking me here!
472
00:29:06,515 --> 00:29:10,076
Ah, no. I wasn't stalking you.
I was just following you without you knowing.
473
00:29:12,156 --> 00:29:16,036
Which is stalking, isn't it? Will
you give me one minute? One minute.
474
00:29:18,756 --> 00:29:22,315
Gerado, sorry.
Could I have a word, please? Si.
475
00:29:22,316 --> 00:29:24,836
See what? No, I meant si.
It's Spanish for yes.
476
00:29:25,476 --> 00:29:28,914
Right. Look. Please don't ban Julie.
It was all my fault.
477
00:29:28,915 --> 00:29:30,954
You see, I've liked her ever
since school.
478
00:29:30,955 --> 00:29:34,954
When I found out she was coming here
tonight, I just got a bit jealous.
479
00:29:34,955 --> 00:29:39,116
I acted daft. But everybody does
daft things, don't they, when they're mad on someone?
480
00:29:41,076 --> 00:29:44,156
Where you from, you?
Just round here, Stockport.
481
00:29:44,157 --> 00:29:48,475
Why? The way you just spoke about
your love for Julie,
482
00:29:48,476 --> 00:29:51,876
you too have some Latino blood, no?
I don't think so.
483
00:29:51,877 --> 00:29:53,635
You're like me, you know?
484
00:29:53,636 --> 00:29:55,714
Your family moved here
from somewhere else.
485
00:29:55,715 --> 00:29:58,436
My mum's from Doffcocker.
Ah... Doffcocker.
486
00:29:59,596 --> 00:30:01,355
You have moved my heart.
487
00:30:01,356 --> 00:30:04,356
You have passion coursing through
your veins.
488
00:30:04,357 --> 00:30:06,116
I withdraw the ban.
489
00:30:10,316 --> 00:30:12,596
Come back to t'world of salsa.
490
00:30:19,036 --> 00:30:22,354
You are back in the world of salsa.
Thank you, Glyn.
491
00:30:22,355 --> 00:30:26,156
I reckon we can still make Hodges'
meal. You said it'd been cancelled.
492
00:30:26,956 --> 00:30:28,956
Ahh... I sometimes lie.
493
00:30:29,876 --> 00:30:31,634
It's the Doffcocker in me.
494
00:30:31,635 --> 00:30:34,074
This is all your fault.
Just... Just calm down.
495
00:30:34,075 --> 00:30:37,274
Calm down?! I'm missing
my fifth wedding anniversary.
496
00:30:37,275 --> 00:30:39,714
Had it all planned - good food,
good wine.
497
00:30:39,715 --> 00:30:44,196
Me and Kath were going to go home,
drink champagne and have one of our special showers together.
498
00:30:48,076 --> 00:30:50,756
That's right - sex! Get over it!
499
00:30:54,796 --> 00:30:57,915
My head feels like... pain.
500
00:30:57,916 --> 00:31:00,794
It's all right, mate. You just had a
few too many, that's all.
501
00:31:00,795 --> 00:31:03,954
Yeah, you're all right because we're
looking after you. Yeah.
502
00:31:03,955 --> 00:31:05,756
And you're on a train to London.
503
00:31:07,356 --> 00:31:08,836
What...
504
00:31:13,276 --> 00:31:15,434
So you could stop at Macclesfield?
505
00:31:15,435 --> 00:31:19,156
Unauthorised stops are only
permitted in the event of fire,
506
00:31:19,157 --> 00:31:23,275
medical emergency or an outbreak of
violence.
507
00:31:23,276 --> 00:31:26,994
So, is Dopey out there likely to
commit an act of violence,
508
00:31:26,995 --> 00:31:29,356
suffer a heart attack or set himself
on fire?
509
00:31:29,357 --> 00:31:31,515
Er... No, I don't think so.
510
00:31:31,516 --> 00:31:34,354
Well, sadly, we shall be whistling
through Macclesfield
511
00:31:34,355 --> 00:31:36,154
at approximately 100 miles per hour,
512
00:31:36,155 --> 00:31:38,594
which some might say is the very
best way to see it.
513
00:31:38,595 --> 00:31:40,436
B-But - But it is his wedding night.
514
00:31:43,876 --> 00:31:46,634
Whoo! Yeah! If I'd not called Jan on
the off chance,
515
00:31:46,635 --> 00:31:49,914
I wouldn't have known about tonight.
I wouldn't be here now!
516
00:31:49,915 --> 00:31:52,594
Bummer!
What's Hodge like with his invites?
517
00:31:52,595 --> 00:31:55,316
Well, daft question.
I know exactly what he's like.
518
00:31:55,796 --> 00:31:57,874
Go on, I am sat here, you know?
519
00:31:57,875 --> 00:31:59,914
No, Hodge is lovely. He really is.
520
00:31:59,915 --> 00:32:03,514
You know he pissed himself at their
wedding. It was water.
521
00:32:03,515 --> 00:32:05,794
Hm? Think it was urine.
Well, water - urine,
522
00:32:05,795 --> 00:32:08,074
you didn't have to tell everyone,
did you?
523
00:32:08,075 --> 00:32:12,514
Come on! I was doing him a favour. If
there's an elephant in the room, it's best to point it out!
524
00:32:12,515 --> 00:32:16,274
Too right. That is the way
that I'm starting to feel right now. Stop it.
525
00:32:16,275 --> 00:32:19,354
Thank you. I thought I was the only
one that noticed. You, missy,
526
00:32:19,355 --> 00:32:22,994
it's your anniversary and you're sat
there like a nun with a slapped arse!
527
00:32:22,995 --> 00:32:25,314
Where's the Kath we all know and
love, eh?
528
00:32:25,315 --> 00:32:28,716
Well, that Kath doesn't go out so
much any more, Summer.
529
00:32:28,717 --> 00:32:31,636
Yes, and d'you know why? Hodge.
530
00:32:32,076 --> 00:32:33,954
No. Don't look at me like that.
531
00:32:33,955 --> 00:32:36,956
All men try and turn you into their
mothers, if you let them.
532
00:32:37,076 --> 00:32:40,196
At the end of the day, they're all
scumbags. Fact.
533
00:32:42,356 --> 00:32:44,275
All right.
Hi.
534
00:32:44,276 --> 00:32:46,956
What's the matter?
Apparently, you're a scumbag, Glyn.
535
00:32:47,796 --> 00:32:51,356
Oh, Kath, yeah. Well, I wrote you a
card. I just forgot it.
536
00:32:52,436 --> 00:32:55,995
Mmmm... Oh, Christ...
Glyn, don't be a stranger!
537
00:32:55,996 --> 00:33:00,156
Come here! Here we go. Ah, murderer!
Murderer! Jack the Ripper! Get off!
538
00:33:00,157 --> 00:33:01,955
Sorry.
539
00:33:01,956 --> 00:33:07,235
Er... Julie, this is Colleen,
Kath - Hello. Hello. Summer.
540
00:33:07,236 --> 00:33:09,235
Nice to meet you.
Thanks.
541
00:33:09,236 --> 00:33:11,635
Where's the lads?
Dead.
542
00:33:11,636 --> 00:33:14,274
Yeah. Came off the ring road...
into a lamppost.
543
00:33:14,275 --> 00:33:15,996
Just like that, apparently.
544
00:33:17,156 --> 00:33:20,514
Ignore her, Glyn. They're just late.
God knows where they are!
545
00:33:20,515 --> 00:33:23,714
Yeah, they'll be here in a minute.
Are you his girlfriend, then?
546
00:33:23,715 --> 00:33:26,676
Erm... Well... -
Oh, as he not asked you yet?
547
00:33:27,076 --> 00:33:30,396
Don't you worry, flower. This one has
always been a little bit shy.
548
00:33:30,636 --> 00:33:33,276
Actually, for a long while we thought
he was Team Gay!
549
00:33:33,277 --> 00:33:34,995
Didn't we? Remember?
550
00:33:34,996 --> 00:33:37,876
Phone conversations we had -
Is he? Isn't he? Is he? Isn't he?
551
00:33:38,156 --> 00:33:40,036
Oh, my God!
You're not, are you, Glyn?
552
00:33:40,956 --> 00:33:42,795
You - Are you a - No!
553
00:33:42,796 --> 00:33:45,596
Well, you never can tell these days.
Give me your hands.
554
00:33:45,597 --> 00:33:47,355
Let's have a look.
555
00:33:47,356 --> 00:33:48,516
Hm-hm...
556
00:33:49,796 --> 00:33:52,876
- Yeah. Definitely a girl.
- Don't you worry.
557
00:33:52,877 --> 00:33:54,796
Phew!
558
00:33:56,716 --> 00:33:59,714
You know, it was - It was the day.
You know, the whole wedding...
559
00:33:59,715 --> 00:34:02,914
All these questions. 'Am I doing the
right thing?' 'Do I love her?'
560
00:34:02,915 --> 00:34:05,594
Yeah, I guess so. But, you know,
enough to marry her?
561
00:34:05,595 --> 00:34:07,794
Enough to leave London? Is this what
I want?
562
00:34:07,795 --> 00:34:10,234
Questions and pressure!
Pressure and questions.
563
00:34:10,235 --> 00:34:12,074
And then more questions and
pressure.
564
00:34:12,075 --> 00:34:14,354
So, you felt under pressure.
Yeah, pressure.
565
00:34:14,355 --> 00:34:18,076
Yeah. And then I think: Of course
I should marry. But I can't decide!
566
00:34:19,156 --> 00:34:21,274
This is me all over.
I'm like it all the time.
567
00:34:21,275 --> 00:34:24,354
I'm exactly the same at work.
What - What do you do?
568
00:34:24,355 --> 00:34:26,116
I'm an air-traffic controller.
569
00:34:29,436 --> 00:34:33,994
Look, take it from someone who's
been around the block a little bit.
570
00:34:33,995 --> 00:34:36,716
Five years married, still going
strong.
571
00:34:37,636 --> 00:34:40,276
Marriage isn't something to be
frightened of -
572
00:34:43,156 --> 00:34:44,916
It's Kath.
573
00:34:49,796 --> 00:34:51,995
Hello, love. How are you?
574
00:34:51,996 --> 00:34:53,756
Where are you?
You sound guilty.
575
00:34:54,156 --> 00:34:57,434
Well, you'll never guess.
You'll laugh when I tell you.
576
00:34:57,435 --> 00:34:59,956
We're on a train and we're heading
to London.
577
00:35:01,076 --> 00:35:03,914
Stop winding me up!
You better be winding me up.
578
00:35:03,915 --> 00:35:08,634
I wish I was. I need you to do me a
favour. Look around. Can you see an upset bride anywhere?
579
00:35:08,635 --> 00:35:12,156
Hang on a sec, I'll just get a
mirror! No, a young bride!
580
00:35:12,157 --> 00:35:13,795
I-I-I mean a new bride.
581
00:35:13,796 --> 00:35:15,876
In a white dress. She's probably
crying.
582
00:35:17,716 --> 00:35:19,634
How did you know that, Derren Brown?
583
00:35:19,635 --> 00:35:23,356
Are you here, really? Can you see
me? What am I doing now?
584
00:35:24,076 --> 00:35:26,156
Listen!
585
00:35:26,436 --> 00:35:29,794
Go and speak to her. Tell her not to
panic, her husband's with us.
586
00:35:29,795 --> 00:35:31,994
But we're on a train heading for
London.
587
00:35:31,995 --> 00:35:35,356
London, London? Hodge, you better
tell me what's happening.
588
00:35:35,357 --> 00:35:38,635
Glug - Whoo-hoo!
Ooh, I could get used to this!
589
00:35:38,636 --> 00:35:40,515
Apart from her, of course.
590
00:35:40,516 --> 00:35:43,596
Let's just forget about her,
concentrate on having a great night.
591
00:35:43,597 --> 00:35:45,436
Oh, sorry.
592
00:35:47,996 --> 00:35:49,874
We're starting to worry about you.
593
00:35:49,875 --> 00:35:52,914
Mate, can you get yourself to
Macclesfield? What?
594
00:35:52,915 --> 00:35:55,156
It's a long story. Just meet us at
the station.
595
00:35:55,157 --> 00:35:56,915
I can't. I'm with Julie!
596
00:35:56,916 --> 00:36:02,396
Well, that'll show her what a great
mate you are, then, won't it? 'Please. Now!' Just hurry up.
597
00:36:06,356 --> 00:36:08,155
That was my mates.
598
00:36:08,156 --> 00:36:12,874
They want me to go and pick 'em up
and bring them back here. Will you be all right with Colleen and Kath?
599
00:36:12,875 --> 00:36:15,234
Yeah. As long as they don't leave
me with Summer.
600
00:36:15,235 --> 00:36:19,276
I mean, you won't be long, will you?
No. Just gotta go to Macclesfield.
601
00:36:19,277 --> 00:36:22,555
Macclesfield?
Come on, you two love-birds.
602
00:36:22,556 --> 00:36:25,635
What are you two doing sat here
talking?
603
00:36:25,636 --> 00:36:27,516
You're in a hotel! Get a room!
604
00:36:27,517 --> 00:36:29,355
A room for the mushroom!
605
00:36:29,356 --> 00:36:30,795
Hey!
606
00:36:30,796 --> 00:36:33,274
I'm really sorry.
Oh, Glyn. Glyn, come back!
607
00:36:33,275 --> 00:36:36,074
Oh, come on. Sod him! We can still
have a good time, can't we?
608
00:36:36,075 --> 00:36:38,794
Listen, there's a wedding next door,
with a dance floor.
609
00:36:38,795 --> 00:36:42,276
Come on. Come on, up you get.
Up you get and throw some shapes.
610
00:36:42,277 --> 00:36:47,236
Yeah, I think that's enough now,
Summer. She can't stop! Whoo-whoo!
611
00:36:47,876 --> 00:36:50,276
This phone's rubbish. I can't get
any signal.
612
00:36:50,277 --> 00:36:54,036
Oh... She's a smiler.
Oh, yeah.
613
00:36:54,556 --> 00:36:57,516
It's my daughter Kelly.
Lives in Australia now.
614
00:36:58,276 --> 00:37:00,236
You're divorced.
Yep!
615
00:37:00,796 --> 00:37:03,634
And some Aussie, a proper Dick
Dundee thinks he's her dad.
616
00:37:03,635 --> 00:37:06,996
And that's why I've never bothered.
It's very risky.
617
00:37:07,716 --> 00:37:11,154
Whoa! But not all marriages are
doomed. Well, take me.
618
00:37:11,155 --> 00:37:14,636
I'm celebrating my fifth wedding
anniversary tonight in Manchester.
619
00:37:14,637 --> 00:37:17,355
Ain't I, Darren! Beggsy? Hm?
620
00:37:17,356 --> 00:37:20,596
Oh, yeah! Yeah. It's a good thing,
marriage - for some.
621
00:37:22,076 --> 00:37:24,076
For most. I'll prove it to you.
622
00:37:25,916 --> 00:37:29,436
People of Carriage C -
Shut up. This is a quiet zone.
623
00:37:29,437 --> 00:37:31,515
Just a minute! Mouth.
624
00:37:31,516 --> 00:37:33,596
How many of you are married?
625
00:37:36,716 --> 00:37:38,355
Exactly!
626
00:37:38,356 --> 00:37:42,236
And how many of you look back on
getting married as the best decision of your life?
627
00:37:47,156 --> 00:37:50,316
OK. It's not a great sample.
628
00:37:51,356 --> 00:37:53,274
Right, you lot. I shouldn't be doing
this
629
00:37:53,275 --> 00:37:55,354
but I've been talking to your little
friend
630
00:37:55,355 --> 00:37:58,276
and he's been filling me in on the
legend of the runaway groom.
631
00:37:58,277 --> 00:38:00,915
So, I've waved my magic wand
632
00:38:00,916 --> 00:38:03,596
and this train will be stopping in
Macclesfield.
633
00:38:04,436 --> 00:38:06,356
Oh, you shall go to the ball!
634
00:38:06,357 --> 00:38:11,915
Yes. Yes! Yes. Yes, you're right.
Marriage isn't for everyone.
635
00:38:11,916 --> 00:38:14,316
I wanna go straight to London.
No stopping.
636
00:38:17,916 --> 00:38:19,636
COME HERE!
Whoa!
637
00:38:27,814 --> 00:38:32,394
Come on, change.
Change, you bastard.
638
00:38:33,472 --> 00:38:36,072
No-one likes you, red light.
You know that, don't you?
639
00:38:36,749 --> 00:38:37,909
Yes.
640
00:38:39,031 --> 00:38:41,589
Hodge, I'm just coming up on
Macclesfield now, mate.
641
00:38:41,590 --> 00:38:44,269
Well, you can turn round. We're not
stopping there now. Why not?
642
00:38:44,354 --> 00:38:47,353
Cos Beggsy has turned into a
marriage guidance counsellor.
643
00:38:47,354 --> 00:38:49,315
Go on, just get back to Julie.
Oh... f...
644
00:38:51,675 --> 00:38:55,593
Look, I'm so sorry, boys. I'm just
scared about settling down.
645
00:38:55,594 --> 00:38:57,315
Well, you're supposed to be!
646
00:38:58,315 --> 00:39:01,033
Oh, I've sat here trying to do my
Puzzler
647
00:39:01,034 --> 00:39:03,833
and all I've had is 'marry this' and
'relationships that'
648
00:39:03,834 --> 00:39:05,793
and 'I don't know what to expect.'
649
00:39:05,899 --> 00:39:07,660
That's the whole bloody point!
650
00:39:07,661 --> 00:39:09,939
Erm, excuse me. Quiet zone.
651
00:39:09,940 --> 00:39:14,139
It's the uncertainty, the worry that
keeps it exciting.
652
00:39:14,140 --> 00:39:16,778
Me and my husband
were married for 47 years
653
00:39:16,779 --> 00:39:19,298
and we must have rowed
every single day.
654
00:39:19,299 --> 00:39:22,540
Winding each other up - but we loved
every minute of it.
655
00:39:23,940 --> 00:39:26,178
He died two years ago next March.
656
00:39:26,179 --> 00:39:29,418
And I miss him now every day.
How did he pass away?
657
00:39:29,419 --> 00:39:31,300
I stabbed him with a bread knife!
658
00:39:33,420 --> 00:39:34,580
Cancer.
659
00:39:35,620 --> 00:39:40,619
The point I'm trying to make is,
love, it's normal to be scared. Yeah?
660
00:39:40,620 --> 00:39:43,459
So, stop moaning. Get back to your
wife
661
00:39:43,460 --> 00:39:46,620
and let me get on with my Puzzler!
662
00:39:49,380 --> 00:39:53,259
Wow. You know, for all our spats,
I really love Colleen.
663
00:39:53,260 --> 00:39:54,620
Yeah.
664
00:39:54,820 --> 00:39:56,820
I'd even go to Old Trafford for her.
665
00:39:59,220 --> 00:40:03,139
I think I wanna get back to
Manchester, back to my wife.
666
00:40:03,140 --> 00:40:05,619
Oh... Great. How?
667
00:40:05,620 --> 00:40:10,938
The guard said the train only stops
for fires, outbreaks of violence or medical emergencies.
668
00:40:10,939 --> 00:40:13,300
I could always thump him.
Ticks two boxes.
669
00:40:18,540 --> 00:40:21,100
She knows some swear words,
that one.
670
00:40:22,700 --> 00:40:25,740
Bet she's married herself a booby
prize an' all! Excuse me?
671
00:40:26,140 --> 00:40:28,378
It's a nickname I had for Hodge
at your wedding.
672
00:40:28,379 --> 00:40:31,378
I said to him. I said, 'He's lucky
marrying you.
673
00:40:31,379 --> 00:40:33,100
But you're unlucky marrying him.'
674
00:40:33,101 --> 00:40:37,060
You know, the booby prize.
I need a drink.
675
00:40:38,100 --> 00:40:40,660
Ohh... Come on!
676
00:40:42,300 --> 00:40:45,499
Oh, when the Bees
go marching in!
677
00:40:45,500 --> 00:40:49,339
? Oh, when the Bees go marching in!
678
00:40:49,340 --> 00:40:52,500
Come on. You can do this.
I wanna be in that number
679
00:40:52,501 --> 00:40:55,339
? Oh, when the Bees go marching in
680
00:40:55,340 --> 00:41:00,780
I thought it was a bit weird that
they've run out of lemonade on this train but this explains it.
681
00:41:01,340 --> 00:41:03,340
Shandy Andy...
682
00:41:06,540 --> 00:41:08,260
Hello, ladies...
683
00:41:08,700 --> 00:41:10,460
Ooh, argh...
Get him!
684
00:41:12,060 --> 00:41:14,580
No, we've asked that it's just - it
doesn't stop
685
00:41:14,581 --> 00:41:19,059
unless it's a fire, a medical
emergency or an outbreak of -
686
00:41:19,060 --> 00:41:21,540
Oh, shit! See you later! Run!
687
00:41:22,260 --> 00:41:23,620
RUN!
688
00:41:35,140 --> 00:41:37,220
You're right. I'm gonna say
something.
689
00:41:38,780 --> 00:41:43,138
But what if she kicks up a fuss,
tries to turn all our friends against me. She's capable.
690
00:41:43,139 --> 00:41:47,540
What has she got to do for you to
kick her out? Start a fire? Shave your eyebrows off for a laugh?
691
00:41:47,541 --> 00:41:50,819
She's already done that.
18 to 30, Ayia Napa.
692
00:41:50,820 --> 00:41:53,178
Look, I'm not
saying you're lying to me.
693
00:41:53,179 --> 00:41:55,178
I'm just saying you're lying to
yourself.
694
00:41:55,179 --> 00:41:58,498
You go to salsa to meet men.
No, I don't. Yes, you do!
695
00:41:58,499 --> 00:42:02,218
No, I don't. Yes, you do. Look,
I'm on Single Street myself, love.
696
00:42:02,219 --> 00:42:04,778
I know how to get on to
A Good Time Avenue.
697
00:42:04,779 --> 00:42:08,220
And I am gonna show you how to get
there. Drink up.
698
00:42:09,940 --> 00:42:11,698
Oh, it's like that, is it?
699
00:42:11,699 --> 00:42:15,818
Well, let me tell you something. If
you've got your sights set on Glyn,
700
00:42:15,819 --> 00:42:19,258
then I've got two words for you,
love: life insurance.
701
00:42:19,259 --> 00:42:22,140
The man is a walking disaster area.
Ask anyone.
702
00:42:22,141 --> 00:42:25,099
Oh, come on, cheer up!
703
00:42:25,100 --> 00:42:27,620
'Ey, I bet I know how I could make
you laugh.
704
00:42:28,100 --> 00:42:29,780
Diddle-liddle-liddle-la...
705
00:42:30,820 --> 00:42:32,778
I think somebody wants a giggle!
706
00:42:32,779 --> 00:42:35,178
Summer, you're actually -
You're hurting me now.
707
00:42:35,179 --> 00:42:36,900
Come on, laugh, you bitch!
708
00:42:37,380 --> 00:42:40,618
Ow! Summer, listen, I've been
thinking and - What's going on?
709
00:42:40,619 --> 00:42:43,578
She just punched me in the tit!
It was accidental.
710
00:42:43,579 --> 00:42:46,778
No, it wasn't. Yes, it was.
I was aiming for your face.
711
00:42:46,779 --> 00:42:49,618
Kath, say something!
I think you should leave.
712
00:42:49,619 --> 00:42:52,258
Yes! I do, too, Little Miss Dress
From Primark!
713
00:42:52,259 --> 00:42:54,060
No, Summer, I think YOU should
leave.
714
00:42:55,140 --> 00:42:56,340
Me?!
715
00:42:58,220 --> 00:43:00,019
Oh, I see.
716
00:43:00,020 --> 00:43:01,739
It's like that, is it?!
717
00:43:01,740 --> 00:43:05,540
Well, wait until I tell our proper
friends what you've turned into.
718
00:43:05,541 --> 00:43:07,179
B-o-r-ing!
719
00:43:07,180 --> 00:43:09,218
And I'll tell you another thing,
720
00:43:09,219 --> 00:43:12,940
I'm organising a big girls' trip,
out to Faliraki in September.
721
00:43:12,941 --> 00:43:15,859
And you are not invited.
722
00:43:15,860 --> 00:43:18,740
I wouldn't go anyway! Hodge is
taking me to Centre Parcs!
723
00:43:18,741 --> 00:43:22,300
Huh! Well, whose fault's that, Kath?!
724
00:43:27,820 --> 00:43:32,219
Aimed for her face, eh? Well, yeah.
Good girl. She can stay!
725
00:43:32,220 --> 00:43:34,940
Too bloody right.
726
00:43:39,460 --> 00:43:41,380
Lovely to meet you!
727
00:43:45,140 --> 00:43:47,178
Something wrong
with your accelerator?
728
00:43:47,179 --> 00:43:51,898
'Get to Macclesfield, go back to
Manchester, come to Stoke...' You wanna make up your mind.
729
00:43:51,899 --> 00:43:54,460
You stop being so selfish.
You can easily be replaced!
730
00:43:54,461 --> 00:43:56,140
W - Who's he?!
731
00:44:16,420 --> 00:44:18,380
OK. Now us.
732
00:44:41,300 --> 00:44:43,700
Hey! You idiots!
733
00:44:44,020 --> 00:44:47,700
Are you not angry with us?
Yeah. But we're also smashed.
734
00:44:47,701 --> 00:44:51,220
Hodge the Todge.
735
00:44:52,460 --> 00:44:54,700
Happy anniversary, baby pie.
736
00:45:01,260 --> 00:45:05,700
Look, I've been thinking. I'll go
with you to Old Trafford but I don't have to watch.
737
00:45:06,140 --> 00:45:08,940
I don't want you to come
to Old Trafford. Eh?
738
00:45:09,060 --> 00:45:12,620
It was a test.
And guess what? You've passed!
739
00:45:17,300 --> 00:45:20,340
You're frightening her. Go and talk
to her. I am not frightening -
740
00:45:32,780 --> 00:45:36,060
D'you want another one of those?
Yeah. Two more, please.
741
00:45:42,660 --> 00:45:44,820
Hey, lads, he's off again.
742
00:45:44,870 --> 00:45:49,420
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