All language subtitles for Unprotected Sets s02e12_English

♪

[SEATON] There's
a certain amount of faith

that human beings need
in order to function.

And I don't mean faith
in a God,

but you have to believe
in something that works

outside of yourself
in order to keep moving.

♪

- Rod!
- Seaton.

How you doing?

- Thank you for--
- It's good to see you.

- Good to see you, man.
- Good to see you.

Allison.

- [ALLISON] Yeah?
- Seaton's here.

I need to get paid
before the show.

- Yeah, that's not gonna happen.
- Um, okay.

♪

[YEDOYE] I think people
have this attitude that comedy

is just supposed to be fun,
and it is,

but it's about making
fun of things that are not fun.

I talk about class a lot.

Class and race,
and just every dynamic

that I feel like
I've observed firsthand.

I don't know. I've always
felt like the guy who, like,

doesn't really relate
to your problems.

I think comedy is a way
to connect with people

who don't necessarily feel like
they can be connected with.

- What's up, bro?
- Yo, what's good?

- You aight?
- Yeah.

- Good seeing you, man.
- Good to see you, bro.

- How you been?
- Good, good, good.

♪

♪

[audience laughing]

[SEATON] I did some thinking
about my set for a while,

because I really get confined
by the idea of jokes,

because jokes are just a way

that somebody else
has done things.

Sometimes,
other way people do things

doesn't really work for you.

So my thinking was, all right,
why am I onstage?

And so I read conversation books
because I was like,

"Well, maybe
it's a conversation."

Then I realized,
"No, it's not a conversation.

It's actually
more of a speech."

I should think of a set.

Speeches have two purposes,
which is either

to uplift the crowd
or change their perspective.

Well, if I can't think
of the joke now,

it probably won't come to me.

[HOST] Are you guys ready for
your last comic of the night?

[SEATON] The point
is to either uplift you

or change your mind,
like every other speech.

Yeah.

[HOST] Yo, keep it going one
more time for Seaton Smith.

Let him hear it!

- [cheers and applause]
- Thank you, man.

Hey, good introduction.
Thank you.

Thank you, everybody.
How y'all doing?

[whooping and cheering]

Thank you all for coming out,
you pretty motherfuckers.

Thank you.

Thank you, man.
I'm so happy to be here, man.

DC, y'all the--
y'all the best, like, city

in the country,
y'all know that?

- [WOMAN] Yes.
- Yeah?

That's dope, man. Hell, yeah.

I'm not even saying that
to blow y'all.

I'm really, like--
I've traveled the rest.

I miss y'all, man.
I'm really just--

I made some mistakes
around the country.

And I, uh, heh,
I got to come back here

and ask for some money.
So, uh...

[audience laughs]

I'm one of those cousins.
"How y'all doing?"

"Fuck, yeah, man."

Oh, man.
I'm so happy to be here, man,

because I, you know--
I don't know if you all know,

I was born in California and
then moved to the East Coast.

- California people at all?
- [MAN] Yeah!

Yeah? Yeah, California people,
they're, like, dope as fuck,

very nice, like, on the outside,

but, like, I don't know,
but the inside,

they're dark as a motherfucker,
you know?

Like, right? Even gangsters,
they're like,

"Nigga, I'm gonna kill you...
tomorrow."

You know what I mean?
Like... I'm confused.

First time I got onstage,
I was 10.

I was doing a talent show
in fifth grade.

And I remember,
I didn't know you were supposed

to write the same jokes
and work on it,

and so it got very annoying,

because at first,
it was very fun.

I just got up there,
played around,

they were like,
"Oh, you did so great. Yay.

"You're gonna be in the talent
show." And I was like, "Great."

Then I came home
and told my dad, "Hey, Dad,

I'm about to be in
a talent show doing stand-up."

And he was like,
"Well, what are you gonna do?"

And I was like,
"Oh, just some stuff I made up."

He was like,
"Nuh-uh, no, no, no."

And he sat the family around
and made me,

like, rehearse and practice it
in front of them

until it became, uh, garbage.

So my father was actually
my first experience

with, like,
dealing with a network.

[laughs]

DC is the shit.
I moved here 2001,

when it was, like,
number five in the murder rate,

but let me tell you,
man, like...

Let me tell you, man,
the murder, uh, here,

I was never really that scared

because I know--
we lived near Baltimore.

And Baltimore, you know, has--

like, they had a TV show
about how much murder they had.

It was very scary.
They get-- they get a lot--

but Baltimore gets a lot of hate
for no reason.

Baltimore--let me tell you,
Baltimore, little known fact,

Baltimore crowd has some
of the most beautiful women

in the world, okay? Yes.

With some of the lowest
standards and-and-and-and...

[audience laughing]

You wanna feel
good about yourself,

you go to Baltimore,
you hear me?

All right.
But you wear a condom.

They have mad AIDS. So... so...

Oh, no. The AIDS will just
jump on your dick and bite it.

All right?
No more than three strokes.

[groans and laughing]

You could do it with three.
Three is okay,

five, that's fuckin'
pushing it.

Hurry up and come.
So anyways...

[laughter]

Creepy nigga knows.
Let me ask you this, dude.

Like, like, like...

[laughs] I'm making fun
of you being creepy, sir,

but that's not your fault.

All dudes are creepy
until proven uncreepy.

That's the world we live in
right now, all right?

You actually look like
you got a little money.

You got a little money?
What's up? Look at that. Huh?

Look, he said, "No cash."
Fuck you, nigga.

I'm asking you, like,
do you have...

I'm not gonna rob you
on five cameras.

[laughter]

That would be hood
as a motherfucker!

That would be gangster
as shit.

I don't give a fuck!
This much.

I will commit a felony in HD,
motherfucker.

Fuck with me.

I'm crazy.

[laughs]

That's gonna be my new thing.

Fuck, yeah, man.

He got all nervous. I got you.

You look like
you could-- you broke.

You were nervous about it.

Like, I don't know, like--

poor people are the ones
that get angry, you know?

Like, "You got money, brother?"

"I ain't got nothing, man.
I got anxiety, nigga!"

[laughter]

"Okay. I'm just talking."

Not you, man. You know,
rich people are all like,

"Oh, we're all equal."
You know, like...

[laughter]

Like, oh, man.
Okay. I see where you're at.

[SEATON] People who complain
about comedy,

like, "Oh, there's
so many restrictions."

But I just think
that's just sad as fuck.

Like, there was always
restrictions.

When was there not restrictions?

There's been restrictions
the entire fuckin' time.

Why suddenly, "Oh, I can't talk
about pussies in college."

What do you--
what are you talking about?

What time was there when I was
that-- could be that dirty?

Was it the '70s,
was it the '60s? Huh?

There's new motherfuckers
that are complaining about it.

It's like,
do you know what this is?

This is nuts. This is comedy.

This isn't like,
"Hey, everybody,

please accept the things
I'm saying

because I'm saying them."
No, it's comedy.

Art is you fucking
make somebody mad.

That's what happens.
All jokes make somebody mad

and you just got
to accept that shit.

There are no happy jokes.

Johnny Carson said that shit.

Somebody is always
gonna be pissed off.

And you just got to work
with it.

[laughs]

Lucky, I say. It's scary.
You're scared, right, sir?

You look scared.

Talk to me. Huh?

Have you actually tried
to talk to a woman, sir,

about your sex-- like,
about, like, the movement?

Have you actually, like,
approached a women, like,

"Hey, ladies, what can I do,
you know, with my balls?

What can I do..."

[laughter]

"...you know,
to help the movement?"

Have you--
have you tried that, sir?

No? Of course not,
because it's scary.

You ever ask a dumb question?

Oh, it's the worst thing
in the world, right?

A woman will flip out
at you, like,

"Oh, I cannot believe
that you would ask me

such an ignorant-ass question.
I cannot believe."

And I'm like,
why can't you believe it, right?

I'm ignorant.

[laughter]

I'm going to ask
an ignorant question,

that's how ignorance works.

So to flip out on somebody
for being ignorant,

it doesn't make any sense.

For example, my girlfriend,
she's like you,

like a super white, purebred.

And-- and during
the police brutality situations,

you remember
when the videos of a Black man

getting shot every day
started coming out?

Like, she, after the 15th one,

she actually looked me
in my face, and was like,

"Has this been happening
a long time?"

I said "What the fuck
did you just say to me?" Right.

But I realized this woman,
um, it-- was simply ignorant.

She wasn't mean,
she wasn't being vindictive,

she just simply didn't
understand the situation, right?

So it was my job. I sat down
and I explained to her

the history of police brutality,
all right?

And then we had butt sex
because, crowd, listen...

[groans and laughter]

No, listen, she had to know
my pain, you hear me?

She had to know.

She had to know!

Four hundred years
of suffering.

"We shall overcome!"
I told her.

"From the mountaintop," I said.

I go,
"Sit in the back of the bus."

She's like,
"I can't. My butt hurt."

And I was like,
"Progress!" All right.

Did anybody do any jokes
about, uh, Trump?

Hmm?

Nobody? Nobody did
any jokes on the--

- [MAN] Nope.
- Kinda?

I don't know. I don't know, man.
I don't like anybody

that does any jokes
about my president.

I think, uh... [laughs]

[laughter]

My president is dope!

He keeps coming out
with the hits, every day, crowd.

He is the first president
where I really honestly

look forward to the future,
like, I never...

[laughter]

I never cared before, but now,
I'm like, I cannot wait.

Everything he does,
I don't care--

he's going to do
something every day.

I'm like, "Oh, he's gonna do
something crazy."

Every day, every day. Every day.

One day, Space Force,
the other day is...

somebody Black he hates,
you know.

One day, crowd, one day--

one day, my president is
gonna come out

with a tape of him
peeing on some hookers.

Now, I know some of y'all
ain't ready for that,

but I wanna see my president
pee on some hookers,

I cannot wait, crowd.

I cannot wait.

You know why? Because, uh,

for the longest time,
R. Kelly...

...has gotten so much hate,
okay?

And now we realized he was
being presidential, all right?

He was...

[laughter]

My only problem
with Trump, crowd,

is that he just
doesn't lie good.

I just want him to lie
a little bit better than that.

Like, at this--
I get it, politicians lie,

but lie more gracefully, man.

Like, no matter how you felt
about Obama, good liar.

Wasn't he? Because he would just
talk in circles to the point

where I just didn't give
a fuck anymore, you know?

Like, like, if there's a dead
body right here, you're like,

"Obama, is that a dead body?"

He'd be like, "Look, there are
dead bodies in the world.

But what's important to know...

What's important to know
is there's hope and change."

You'd be like, "Well...

if you don't give a fuck,
I don't give a fuck.

I just was asking
a question, man."

All right? But Trump,
he's just be answering questions

in a way where I have
to ask more questions.

I can't let the shit go.

I'd be like, "Yo, Trump,
is that a dead body?"

"Dead body?
I don't see a dead body.

Are you a dead body?

You know, the fake news
wants you to believe

there are dead bodies."

What the fuck
are you talking about?

Right? And then he'd walk away
and he's tweeting,

"I just saw a dead body."
What the...

fuck are you talking about?

I just like
the way he talk, man.

I just like Trump's speeches,
man, they're good.

He's a good talker.
I mean, it's not productive,

but it's good the way

it sucks you in,
it's almost hypnotic.

I'm telling you, crowd.

At first, I'll be
sitting there like, "No."

[laughter]

Uh-huh, but after
a couple minutes,

I'm like,
"Yeah, I don't know." You know?

Fifteen minutes in, even--
I'm even going,

"You know, white is power."
And I don't know...

[laughter]

I don't know if I'm hungry,
you know, sometimes.

Feel a little white power
hungry, you know.

I'm sorry, I'm make-- making you
all uncomfortable right now.

When I just say
"white powers" to myself,

it makes me giggle,
that's all that's happening.

I don't even really say it
a lot, though, all right?

Like, only when I come,
you know, so, like...

[laughter]

When they're not looking at me,
I'll be like, "White power!"

South will rise again, you know.

My development process is
I make myself laugh

and then once I make myself
laugh, then I go onstage

and see if other people
will laugh at it.

And that sounds simple,
but I used to not do that.

I used to get onstage
with thoughts,

ask the crowd if it was funny.

And then base my act based off
of their reaction,

which is the worst way
to do comedy,

I think that's garbage.
Fuck that.

You find out what you like
and then you share.

And if they don't like it,
then they don't like it.

But you don't fucking
pander to them, they're not--

that's a horrible relationship.

It goes back to relationships.

You don't do that
in a real relationship.

You don't fuckin' say things
that you hope that she likes.

You do that for a while,
but then after six months,

you gonna flip out on her.

That's a fuckin' horrible way
to have a relationship.

You got to be like,
"Aight, this is what I love.

"Do you have any-- how do you
feel about things I love?

Oh, do you love it, too?
Dope. You don't?

Well, we shouldn't be
having sex."

Can I say this, white people?
And this goes for you all.

And I want this
to be completely sincere.

I really think
the term "white power"

has been taken away from you.

Like, I think
the racists have taken

the term "white power"
away from you.

White power
is a dope fuckin' phrase.

If you all could actually learn
how to say it positively,

I think--
no, liberals, get together.

Got to figure it out,
like, you got to--

obviously you can't do it
like them, you can't be like,

"White power." That'd be weird.
But if you could--

But if you could, like,
white it up,

like, you know,
and be like, "white power."

Like, I'm tell--like,
I'm telling you, like, oh!

That would brighten the mood.

White power!

[laughs]

I mean, obviously,
it's gonna take some timing.

You gotta time it right,
you know,

like, you got to do it after
some white shit, you know, like,

"I just got some hummus.
White power." Like that.

"No line at Trader Joe's.
White power!"

[laughter]

Doesn't that seem fun?

I'm trying to throw some, like,
white positive jokes in my set,

that's my thing now.

Doesn't that feel positive,
you know?

Nobody's doing
any white positive jokes,

I'm gonna be the first.

Hey, you're a good person.

[laughter]

Look at that, fuckin'
groundbreaker. Hell, yeah.

You know what I'm saying?
White guilt, man.

I'm just trying to relieve
a little of the white guilt.

That's all. If you get
a little bit of white guilt,

I think we could probably get
the love back.

It's that guilt, the fear
that fucks your head up, man.

White guilt-- there's white
guilt that's bad, obviously,

but white guilt, there's fun--

there's fun parts
about white guilt, right?

For the last hundred years,
there's been a fun tradition,

you know, where Black people
will go, "You oppress us."

And you go, "Oh, we do."
You know, and it's like...

[laughter]

It's just a tradition, you know?
Doesn't that...

make you feel
a little more relieved?

No.

Right? It's just--
it's just how we are

because racism
isn't the worst thing, is it?

I'll explain.

I, uh...

Let me ask you, man.

Racism is a form of hate, yes?

Yes. Right. Yes.

And hate is a result
of a relationship, right?

I got to be in relationship
with you somehow

in order to hate you, right?

Even if I don't know you
very well, I have to

know you somewhere
to hate you, right?

Black and white people
as a-- as a country,

we are in a big relationship,

but if we're
in a bad relationship,

that means possibly
we have a chance

if we apply the right tools
to have a good relationship.

It's fixable.

But you know which country
doesn't have much racism?

Australia. Because they
killed them all. So... so...

doesn't that make you
feel better?

You know what y'all should do,
what if you all--

what if you all--if you can't
get rid of the white guilt,

what if you all thought
about a name change?

What you think?

Hmm? Doesn't that sound
kind of fun, huh?

Doesn't that sound fun? Think.

White people, think about it.

If you were--
if you were a company,

the last two years
has been a PR hit.

And-- right?

But what happens
when a company has a PR hit?

What do they do?

Rebrand. Exactly.

I'm in DC,
we know how to rebrand.

I'm in the heart of it all.
You all know.

You started off small, throw
a little commercials out there.

Started off like, "Hey, we're
white and we're all right."

You know, just something to--

Something to start
that palette going.

Then in like six months,
throw out a new name.

New name,
think about it, new name.

How long have you had this name?

White people,
it's been too long.

White? Yuck.

[laughter]

It's been too long.

It's time for a change.

Black people, we've changed
our names seven, eight times.

[laughter]

Every time, upgrade in life,
you notice that?

Came here as nigga slaves,
free Negroes,

African American president.

White people,
you came here as white.

[laughter]

You're still white.

It's time for a change.

I'm gonna throw it out there,
here's a thought.

You ain't got to keep it,
but here's a thought, all right?

What if you change
a couple letters?

Not even a big thing,
you go from white...

to bright.

-[WOMAN] Yes!
-[laughter, whooping]

Huh?

Bright people. Huh?

Proud bright man,
doesn't that feel good?

Don't you want to be
a proud bright citizen?

You can't sound bad
when you say "bright."

"Oh, bright people,"
that sounds wonderful.

"The bright man's on my back."
That sounds like a Disney movie.

[laughter]

Yeah. Stand-up helped me start
to like people and myself more,

because it's like
a constant self-examination,

which can go bad,
because you got to like--

again, it goes back to that
self-analysis of yourself,

if you constantly put
yourself...

But the thing about love,
there's this--

there's like love languages,
like five love languages, right?

And there's this one where it's
like praise versus criticism.

When you're in a relationship

where the criticism
outweighs the praise,

then that's a relationship
that's gonna die, right?

And I remember I was having
a talk with my girl about that.

I was just like,
"All you do is criticize."

Like, "And you never really
mention the good things."

She was like, "Well, I think
about the good things a lot."

I was like,
"You got to say them."

She was like,
"Would that make a difference?"

I was like, "Yes."
Uh, yes, it makes a difference.

But, I mean, that's something
I had to realize, too,

and discover, like,
oh, okay, you know,

you can get into a pattern
with people and shit.

So-- but you got
to treat yourself that way.

If you sit there
and criticize yourself

with nobody else around,

you'll be just as miserable as
if you were with somebody else.

So, you got to learn
how to love yourself

and criticize yourself
with a balance.

I mean, yeah. We're all flawed,
you're not gonna be perfect.

And that's okay, because
other people aren't perfect,

and that makes it okay.

And then you can forgive them
for being flawed,

you can forgive yourself
for being flawed,

and find some kind of happiness.

Not that I've found it.

It's not like
I'm a guru or nothing,

it's just like one of those
decisions you go like, "Okay.

Am I gonna be miserable
or am I gonna be happy?"

That's a choice. I didn't know
that was a choice, so...

I don't know. I can't say.
I'm with my girl now

for five years now, so it's--

we're at that point
where I think--

I think we got to get married.

Um, or we're gonna die,
I don't know.

I, uh... What about you?

How long you all been married?

Married five years.
That's dope as fuck.

Hell, yeah, sir.

And how long did it take
you to-- to, like, court?

[man responds indistinctly]

Three years? That's a
respectable-ass time, dude.

Hell, yeah. That's nice.

You from the country,
or what's up?

[laughter]

I'm just asking,
because, you know,

country people normally
are quicker, you know?

Country people,
they get married very quick,

like, first woman they find,
almost with a flag

and they're like "Mine."
You know...

"Don't touch her. I'll kill
your ass, nigga." Right?

But city people,
they usually take their time,

like, five, six years
before they get married, right?

Right? They move in together
quick,

but that's not love,
that's rent, you know?

That's like...

[laughter]

Right?

"If I could save $500,
I think you are the one,

that's what you are."

Sign on that dotted line
and make it real.

Men switch. Around 30, 31,
there's a switch.

It happened for me at 31, right?
Like one day

you wanna be a whore
and the next-- right?

And the next day you want
brunch. It's weird, you know?

[laughter]

One day it's like "Pussy, pussy,
pussy, pussy," right?

And the next day it's like
"Put your pussy away,

we're going to brunch."
You know, like...

"I will not be late again.
put your pussy away."

[laughter]

"I'm calling an Uber.
I'm calling an Uber.

And if it's not away
when I get in the Uber,

I don't care, I'm not missing
French toast again. I'm not."

[laughter]

Relationships are scary, man.

Like do you ever--
you ever heard this phrase

"Relationships is work?" Yeah?

Y'all agree with that?
Relationships is work?

You all agree? Work?
I don't know.

I don't know
if "work" is the right word.

I think
a better word is "chores."

Like, I think-- I think
"chores," because "work" implies

some kind of payment, you know,
like, there is no payment,

it's just an--
you've just got to do the shit.

Relationship means take out
the garbage,

relationship means
walk the dogs,

relationship means clean this.

My girlfriend,
she has two dogs.

She has one
70-pound, uh, pit bull,

she has one 40-pound dog
the pit bull fucks.

[laughter]

Every morning, I have to walk
these things,

like, I can't say
"have to." We go to therapy.

"I choose to." Uh...

[laughter]

Choose.
I choose every morning.

I choose every morning not to
throw these things in the river.

And that's my choice.
It's my choice.

I'll take these dogs,
I walk them.

Anybody walk dogs in the city?

Huh?
Do you-- do you do it?

Do you pick up the poop?
Hmm?

You sure?

I got to do it, man.
So, I walk-- I walk the dog,

I pick up the poop every time.
Every time.

I don't wanna be a stereotype.
I pick it up,

and they give you these,
like, uh, plastic bags, too.

- [WOMAN] Doggy bags.
- Doggy bags.

And, uh, I pick them up,
and every time I pick up--

every time--
every time I pick up the poop,

I always ask myself like

"Why they got to make it
so thin though?" Like why? Why?

[laughter]

It's just so thin.

I feel everything.
Like everything.

[laughter]

I be picking it up, it's like,
"Why do I feel steam?"

What the-- Like, why?

[laughter]

I feel like I got my hand
in a bowl of oatmeal right now,

that's what it feels like.

[laughter]

I'm like, "Why don't they make
condoms out of this material?"

Like I don't understand.

You know, fuck ultrathin,
doggy bag thin.

I'm like, "Oh."
Everybody get excited on that.

- [laughter]
- "You got the doggy bag?

Oh, I'm about to feel
like I'm gonna get pregnant."

You know what's funny?
My girlfriend asked me once,

She was like, "Do you ever
think about cheating on me?"

"Cheating?

After all this shit
I'm just doing?

Cheating? Like,
you mean sneak out the house

and do some other woman's
chores? Like, wait, hold on.

Like, hold on. Like, hold on."

I think you think I'm a sucker.

[laughter]

Do y'all fight good?

- [WOMAN] No.
- No? You don't fight at all?

Well, that's not a good sign.
That's, uh...

Shit got to shake a little
bit or it's gonna crack.

You know, I'm not gonna judge.

Here's something I didn't know,
you're supposed to say

negative stuff to your girl
in order to get closer,

does that make sense?

Like all the negative problems
you have,

when you express that stuff, you
get closer. I didn't know that.

I thought you're only supposed
to say the happy stuff

and hold in the negative stuff
until it explodes in public.

You know, I was like
"Well, fuck you then."

That was my move. But apparently
that doesn't help build love.

I didn't know that.

You got to, like, express it
and then you express it,

and then you get closer,
I didn't know that.

It happens to everybody.

Like, you ever try to break up
with somebody

but you end up fuckin' them?

- [laughter]
- Hmm?

That's happened to everybody
in this room, right?

Right? You make a plan.
"I'mma go to their house,

I'mma tell 'em I hate 'em and
I'll break up with 'em."

Right?
And you don't do that, right?

You go to their house and tell
'em how much you hate 'em

and then you fuck them,
every time. Every time.

Like, "What am I doing? Why?"

It's not your fault,
you're just human,

that's how humans
work sometimes, man.

Learning how to do this well
has allowed me to understand

being in relationships more,
you know,

because I didn't realize
that good relationships

are all about energy
and I didn't understand energy,

and that helped that,
but then also it helped teach me

how to learn
because, like, you know,

you think to yourself
when you learn,

you're just,
"Oh, I read it, I got it."

With stand-up, you know,
you don't got it,

like you got to do it
a billion times

in order to get it
and that's kind of--

I realized that's how
learning works.

Everything, you have to do
a billion times to get it.

I mean, you may understand
intellectually,

but the intellectual
understanding

really isn't useful.
You got to feel it.

One time, I was doing a show
in North Carolina

and I asked the crowd, "Anybody
beat their kid in public?"

This woman was like,
"Hell, yeah." I was like...

[laughter]

Why are you so excited
about the shit, though?

And I was like, you know,
I was like "Where?"

She was like, "I don't know,
Walmart, K-Mart, Target."

I'm like,
"Oh, you gonna go to jail."

[laughter]

Right? Right?

But then you go up north
to New York

and they're very like
"Hey, all right?

We don't beat
our kid up here, asshole.

We give them Ritalin."
And you go, "I don't know."

[laughter]

'Cause I was born in the '80s,

and my dad still talks
about beating me...

like, whimsically,
you know, like...

Like, almost remembering
a fine Scotch, like, "Mmm."

[laughter]

"I used to beat you."

I'm like, "We're at--
it's Christmas, nigga,

why are you being weird?"
Right?

[laughter]

Right? But then my sister
got born in 1995

and suddenly, he was like, "You
know what? Beating is wrong.

We're not gonna beat."

I was like "Fuck you, nigga.
Follow through."

- Like, like, like...
- [laughter]

Thank you very much.
Listen, crowd, I have to go.

- Y'all are amazing.
- [cheering]

Give it up for him,
give it up for yourselves.

Good night!

♪

[cheering and applause]

The immature perspective
of my life used to be me

just, uh, being all, "I'm great.

I'm gonna get everything
because I'm great.

I'm just gonna do it,
and fuck people."

Now, my perspective is,
"I don't want everything.

I just kind of want what I want.

And I think I'm gonna try
to like people."

♪

[laughter]

[MAN] But one of my favorite,
uh, jokes you have

- is the one about the bicycle.
- Yeah.

[MAN] This is--
this is my thought on that.

- Thank you. I--
- No, that was good, yo.

[YEDOYE] If somebody's
really offended by anything

that I have to say,
I make them think about why.

Just sort of breaking
that barrier of, like,

of understanding,
just sort of breaking that

one tiny barrier from them
being on the same page as I am.

[WOMAN] Ladies and gentleman,
Mr. Yedoye Travis.

[cheers and applause]

Whoa, hello. Hello.

Whoa, wow. Look at this.

Hey, um, my name
is Yedoye Travis,

but people
keep congratulating me

on the show Atlanta.So--

[laughter]

I-- see, I don't like
how much you guys like that.

I don't.
I really don't.

I don't appreciate it.

[laughter]

After boarding school,
I went to Emory University.

In a lot of ways, I feel like
I went through college

and that whole process
because my parents wanted me to.

I just got to a point
where I was like

I don't really have a plan
for what I'm doing in school,

but I think I wanted
to do comedy the whole time.

Most of my comedy is doing jokes

about white people
to white people,

things that I feel like
you guys need to hear

and you guys need
to be aware of.

And while I've got you here,
just take this with you.

I faced racism as a kid,
but I don't think I've ever had

to deal with it as directly
as I have in recent years.

It was actually
a few months ago,

it was in Providence,
Rhode Island.

Some lady,
I said something about slavery

and this lady
shouted "Get over it" at me.

I will just look someone
in the eye now

and tell them to think about why
what they just did was wrong.

I went to private school,
which means I lost my virginity

in a gazebo. Um...

[laughter]

And there was one Black girl
in my grade,

and I was in love with her,

but sometimes it's weird
when everybody and their parents

is waiting on y'all
to fuck for four years,

it's very strange.

[laughter]

Shit is creepy.
And white women get aggressive

if they see a Black man
standing by himself.

That shit is weird.

I was at a party
a few years ago,

I was just standing around,
I was stationary,

not getting away,
but this girl, she--

this girl shouted at me
like I was escaping.

She just-- the most Hail Mary
shit, she just goes, "Hey.

I'm an African studies minor."

[laughter]

And I was like, "First of all,
I don't give a shit."

Right off the bat.

"Second of all,
if I did give a shit,

you don't think
I'd wanna fuck a major?" Like--

[laughter]

I'm, like, come on.
I got a lot riding on this.

You're not gonna coast through
my culture on 15 credits.

That's not how this works.

What do you mean?
What are you doing?

That's not how
this works, ma'am.

Shit really is wild.

White people
are out of control right now.

I don't know
what y'all are doing.

What's going on with y'all?

I'm not the type of guy
that's like,

"All white people are the
devil," or anything like that.

But I think we can all agree

the devil
is definitely white, right?

[laughter]

Definitely.

Not even a question.

And I don't wanna make it sound
like I don't like white people.

I think you guys are fine.

Like, deviled eggs are what
I call unborn white children.

But, like, I think I don't--
I don't want you guys--

[laughter]

It's fine.

I don't know.

I-- I don't know.
I feel like I--

I feel like you guys are capable
of cool stuff though.

I don't know what it is.

But I feel like you could do...
I don't know.

I saw a white kid learn
to ride a bike the other day.

I thought that was such
a beautiful moment

watching that kid struggle
for the last time, you know.

It was good. Um...

[laughter]

Which is like I don't--
I don't know.

Like, people always ask me,
like,

"What do Black people
always talk so much

about white people?"

And I'm like,
"Why do white people

do so much about Black people?"

You know what I mean?
Like, why?

You're always, like, all this
"go back to Africa" shit.

Like, what is your game plan
with that?

You want to get rid
of all of the Black people

and then just go back to dancing

in weird time signatures
and shit?

Is that your... What?

3/4? Is that the hill
you wanna die on, 3/4?

There's one dance in 3/4.
The waltz is just this shit,

just moving around,
getting bored with the spot

you're standing in,

which is kind
of an accurate summary

of the entire history
of white people.

[laughter]

[cheers and applause]

Just fucking...
just moving around,

picking up spices
you're never gonna use.

Just...

like...

[laughter]

I am from here in Atlanta.

The dynamic in my household
was very strict at times.

My mom is a Nigerian immigrant.

My mom sort of expected
a lot from me.

She expected me
to have good grades

because my brother didn't.

And so I was kind of the kid

that was supposed to save
the family, I guess.

My brother went to high school
in this area.

And he would always come home
with stories

about gang initiations in--
on their football field.

And so I ended up just,
like, going away for school.

Everyone else had gone-- like,
through the same school systems

their whole lives, so they all
kind of knew each other.

And meanwhile, I come in
this, like, public school kid

from Georgia
and I'm just like,

"Oh, I don't really know
any of this stuff.

I know, like,
Black people stuff.

Do you guys wanna learn
about that?"

And they're kind of like, "No."

We're still talking about guns.

We're still
having this gun debate.

I don't understand it,

'cause, like, right now
as it stands,

America's policy on guns
is exactly the same

as Gotham's policy on catwalks
over open vats of chemicals.

And I feel like--

[laughter]

Feel like that's such an easy
fix. Just close the vats.

Stop making all these villains,
you know.

Look, there are not enough
Batman fans

for that joke to work,
but I took a risk.

I feel like I deserve
recognition for that.

[crowd cheering]

I'm gonna gain,
like, a cult following

because of that one joke.

[laughter]

I don't know, man.

Like, people are still
seriously considering,

like, whether we should have
guns in bars.

Like-- and look,
I'll give you that.

I'll give you guns in bars.

But I--
can we at least compromise

and maybe also have food?
Can we do--

I feel like food's
the place to start.

You know what I mean?
Like, I don't know.

I just-- I just don't get it.
They always like--

every time there's like a
shooting, there's always like--

everybody prints the same story
about Australia,

and they're like,
"Australia banned guns

and there hasn't been
a shooting since.

Australia banned guns and there
hasn't been a shooting since."

And then if you look
at Fox News, they're like,

"Australia banned guns
and now the whole middle part's

run by snakes." What is that?
What's going on?

[laughter]

What happened in Australia?

That was besides the point, man.

I feel like we could
solve a lot of problems

in this country
if we just took gun control

and birth control
and switched those policies,

- you know what I mean?
- [cheering and applauding]

Okay. Not yet.
Don't do that.

I feel like I just--
I just-- I feel like

you should be able to get
birth control

in a vending machine.

And I mean those ones
where you get a handful

of dirty Skittles
for a quarter

and you're like--

[laughter]

"Are these--
are these fresh?

They seem too available."

What?
Blegh. Blegh.

And I think to get a gun,
you should have to go

to like an old
1960s gynecologist.

Like, one of those dudes
that calls you a strumpet

for an hour while he blows
cigarette smoke in your face.

I don't know, man.
It's a bad year, though.

Everybody's vaping.
I don't like it.

You know? If you told me,
like, 15 years ago

that we were all
gonna be smoking out

of fucking flash drives, like--

Like, I wouldn't have spent
all this money

trying to make
floppy disks happen, man.

That shit is so--

it's so much wasted capital,
you know.

Just everybody's smoking
like 32, 64 gigs at a time,

I'm still working in megabytes.

That's, uh--
you know how that feels?

You got to have such
a flat mouth

to even smoke one of these.
Just...

[laughter]

Like,
who is that for, you know?

What was I thinking, you know?

I do live in New York.
That's a fact about me.

- I live in New York.
- [woman whoops]

Uh, you don't have to do that.

[laughter]

It's hard, man,
'cause I have, uh,

I have debit card debt.
So...

[laughter]

I didn't know
you can have that, but I do.

I thought you had
to have credit to have debt,

but I found a way.

Coming from
a not well-off family

but going to private schools,
like, I've been

the brokest person
I know since I was 14.

It's weird knowing that I sort
of have a leg up

over the people I grew up with
but also that,

like, I have nothing
compared to the people

I'm going to school with now.

The people I was friends with,

they just, like, have, like,
old oil money.

Like, Birmingham
is a very scary place

and very daunting in terms of,
like, uh, generational wealth

and things like that.

Growing up around kids
whose parents and grandparents

have never had to work,
it's just bewildering.

And, like,
I used to live in LA,

and people always ask me
why I moved from LA

to a more expensive city.

But the thing about it is
New York is more expensive,

but there's less stuff
to pay for.

Like, LA is a driving city.

So, you have to have a car,
which means a license,

license plates, gas, insurance,
maintenance, all that stuff.

In New York, you can just jump
in front of the train.

[laughter]

You know, it's great.

Somebody will swipe you in
if you don't have any money.

It's awesome.

It's so dope.

It's harder to be broke
in LA, I think.

It's a lot harder
to be broke in LA,

'cause, like, they don't--
like, as bad as New York is,

I feel like they really,
like, care about you.

There's like safety nets
in place.

But, like, in LA,
they just, like,

don't give a shit
about you, man.

Like, just parking
on the street

in LA could cost you,
like, thousands of dollars.

Like, it's such a hassle.

Like, none of the signs
mean anything.

There's a red zone on either
side of the parking spaces,

so if you go too far
in either direction,

you get a parking ticket
even though nobody's trying

to get into that space.
It's not for anything.

It's just so you get a ticket
if you go in that space.

And I thought it was 'cause
the city needs money.

But then I found out the city
of LA doesn't even own

the parking industry there.
It was privatized.

So, all that money
goes to Xerox, which is crazy.

You all hearing--
are you guys hearing me

when I say Xerox?
Xerox, the paper comp--

Like, who do you think
is printing those tickets

in the first place, man?

Like, this shit
goes straight to the top.

9/11 was an inside job.

Those upside-down
ketchup bottles are just

regular ketchup bottles
with an upside-down label.

Man, you all need
to wake the fuck up.

I don't know what you're doing.

I don't know
what you're doing here.

And, like, I'm not one
of these conspiracy dudes.

I swear to God, I'm not.
But, like, some things

are just weird to me.
I'm really not.

Like, I think it's weird
that Martin Luther King

talked like a ghost
before he was dead.

I think, like--

[laughter]

Like, does that bother
no one else?

I mean-- yeah. He's like,
"I have a dream. Woo."

He was like--

[laughter]

Like, bro,
are you rattling those chains

'cause of slavery stuff
or 'cause of ghost stuff?

What's going on with you?
I don't-- I don't like this.

Not a conspiracy dude.
I think it's weird.

Like, if you watch
any old Hollywood movie,

you'll never see an
old Black dude playing chess.

I think that's very weird.
It's always checkers,

and that feels
like a very subtle jab.

But it's like
very subtle racism.

Was that the
one that got you-- what?

[laughter]

Is that the--
"Oh, man. No."

I sort of went
through my time in school

just kind of thinking,
"Oh, it could be worse."

So, I let a lot of things slide.
And my roommate was, um,

I found out from my other
roommate that every time

I went into my room,
he did, uh, a "tribal dance"

when I--
when I closed my door.

I don't know. It sort of--
it sort of bred suspicion in me

and, like, distrust in a way.

And I always felt like
an outsider.

But there are sort of elements
that I look back on now

where I feel like I should have
been less tolerant,

I think, of people
who were intolerant of me.

Dating-- you know, like,
dating is very weird

around white people. When I--
when I first moved to New York,

I got out of a relationship.
I texted my mom about it.

She texted me back,
"Don't worry.

She probably just thought
she could do better,"

which I feel like is weird.

She's not wrong.

Every woman could do better.

Society's built on you
not realizing that

till it's too late.
But-- uh, but...

But, like,
when that happened,

I got out of this relationship.

I was on all these dating apps.

I was on Tinder and Bumble
and all that stuff.

And I since deleted
all of them and I just use

this one where you die
and see who honors your memory.

Um--

[laughter]

But while I was still on Tinder,

my first match
was with this white girl,

and her first message to me
was just the word "fuck?"

And...
and I was in a vulnerable place.

I was like, "You didn't need
the question mark."

And I was like,
"You didn't need that."

But that's not the point.
The point--

the point is this girl
texted me, "fuck?"

And then she insisted
on a follow-up message,

she did not need one,
but her follow-up message was,

"I love Black dick."

[audience groans]

And I was like, "Okay.
So, this was never about me."

This is your weird shit.
Like, you know, like,

it's so-- like,
it's this weird sexual tourism.

The way white people
talk about Black dicks,

I always imagine one of those
forced perspective photos

of the Leaning Tower
of Pisa just like...

[laughter]

Mom, take the picture. Ma.

Mom, you get the angle?
Ma. Mom, take the...

It's just so weird.

I had to explain to a coworker
why it's not a compliment

to say that all Black dudes
have big dicks.

You-- and it's not.
I don't know if you guys know,

but there's a long history
of hyper-sexualization

of Black men and women in media.

That image has been used
to justify rape and murder

and all these
other terrible things.

[applause]

And I know that consciously.

[laughter]

But in that moment,
I panicked and I forgot.

And I went, "Well, what if
I got a little dick, though?"

How am I supposed to feel
about that?

It hurts.
All these expectations.

And it sucks that I have
to feel that way

because that's not my fault.

White men invented
the big dick stereotype

about us to keep white women
from fucking us?

What did you
think was gonna happen?

What was your game plan?
You're like,

"Oh, you don't--
you don't wanna fuck him.

He's some kind
of sexual dynamo over here.

You don't wanna fuck him.

He's fucking amazing.
Couldn't get enough."

And white women are like,
"Yeah, I think

I'm gonna follow my heart
on this one, bro. I think--"

[laughter]

"I have a plan and
I will follow through with it,

figure this out."

Do you guys ever feel like--
you guys ever feel

like Donald Trump's dick
is regular size

and he's just like that?

[laughter, applause]

Just-- I don't know.

I don't know. I feel like
we keep giving him a pass,

you know, like,
"Oh, he's got a little dick.

You know how they are."

[laughter]

Like, what if it's just normal

and he's just evil?

That's so much scarier
to me, right?

Like-- 'cause you can
buy a bigger dick.

There are surgeries. There's,
like, pills you can take.

You can't buy
a personality, man.

You know, if there's one thing
I would applaud Donald Trump for

is that I feel like our prayers
for a nation of equality

and equal respect
among all people

have finally been answered,
you know what I mean?

They've been answered with a no,
but they've been answered.

Like, we can move on, you know.

[laughter]

Now we know.

It's crazy to me,
like, in the 1800s,

people used to complain
about the "do nothing" Congress.

That was a complaint
in the 1800s.

And now, my biggest fear
is Congress doing something.

That's-- every day, I'm like,

"Please, just nothing,
nothing today."

They came after Affirmative
Action for no reason.

Nobody was talking about it.
Nobody was asking about that.

They said, like, "Black kids
are going to college for free."

And if that's true, that's dope.

That's the least we deserve,
you know.

Like, we don't deserve
education?

Like, I don't like
to learn stuff?

I love learning.
I learned the other day,

like, you know--
you know, when you, um...

when you go
in the water for a long time

and your fingers
start to prune up,

a lot of people think
that means you've been

in the water for too long.

But it's actually
an evolutionary trait

to increase surface area
on your fingertips

to improve your grip so you can
hold on to your dreams

while you're drowning
in student debt.

-[laughter]
- Because...

Thank you guys so much.
I'm Yedoye Travis.

[crowd cheering]

♪

My end goal, I think,
is for people to see

the ridiculousness
of this system

that we're living in
and just to be aware

of everything that's going on

and aware
that they have the power

to do something about it.

- That was so fun.
- [WOMAN] Good.

I feel-- I feel, like,
invincible right here.

I'm just a guy
who's doing my best

with what I've been given.

I don't think by any stretch
of the imagination

I'm doing everything
that needs to be done,

but I feel like
breaking that barrier of, like,

of understanding sort of
starts a conversation.

And I know that's what
I wanna do more than anything.

♪