All language subtitles for Girls5eva.S01E03_English

- [snoring]

[alarm blares]
- Ah.

[clears throat]
- What?

It's still dark.
What's going on?

- Oh, it's the Egg Hunter app.

It says you're ready
to be fertilized

with an ad for Turf Builder

Weed & Feed?

- Why don't you
get the paid version?

- I guess I could do it.

- Hey, no,
it's too early,

and ovulation
takes a couple days,

so let's just wait till I lay
a couple more eggs or whatever.

- How do you know so little
about the female body?

- I went to Catholic school.

I only know
what they show in paintings.

[upbeat music]

- * Gonna be famous
five-eva *

* 'Cause forever's too short *

* It's too short *

* Gonna be
famous three-gether *

* 'Cause that's
one more than together *

* Gonna be famous five-ever *

* cause forever's too short *

* So what
are you waiting five? *

* Girls5eva *

- Hello, I'm new here.
I'm not telling you my name.

Our special today
is penne à la vodka

and Red Bull, and our soup
is Italian divorce.

I'll be back with your NDAs.

- Great, so great.

- Hey, guys,
what are we doing?

Larry owns everything.
We got Scottie Pippen'd.

- What kind of world
are we living in

where people are taking down
other people's content?

- Okay, I dug up
our old agreement with Larry,

and I think he used

an old
Ringling Brothers contract.

Not even for humans--
for bears.

- Why did we sign it?

- We were kids.
We didn't know.

- I really liked my signature.

- Bottom line is,
he owns all the copyrights,

and he can sue if we sing
any Girls5eva songs

without his permission.
- Great.

- So now what?
I have to keep working here?

I can't take this any longer.

- Wickie, it's your first day.

Look, our songs were great.
We just need more of them.

- How did we even
get the old ones?

[singing together]
* He's an incredi-boy *

- Up next, "No Hat Required."

It's either about condoms

or a late 1920s shift
in men's fashion.

Either way, try to sound horny.
- Always.

- Lar, I-I wrote a song,
if we need it after.

Um, it's about something
that doesn't kill you

making you stronger.
- What, like vampires?

Stay in your lane.

We got Swedes who handle this.
- It's stupid.

- Look, we only have the room
for two more minutes,

so sing fast.

We'll slow it in post.
Go!

[singing together]
* You don't need a hat *

* Hat, hat, hat,
hat, hat, hat, hat *

- Swedes?

- Pardon.

- I got it.
Let me see.

"Lyrics by Alf Mu-usic."

Well, that sounds Swedish.

Oops.
Dawn, if you had a mustache,

would you want me
to tell you that?

- Our songs were written
by Alf Music?

* *

Oh, my God,
he's written for everyone!

Black Eyed Peas,
Britney, Katy Perry!

He's the one who came up
with rhyming

"fire" and "tiger."
- No!

- Oh, he has more Grammys
than LeVar Burton.

What, you don't follow
who wins for audio books?

- How do we find Alf Music

and get him to
write us another hit?

- Eff it.

I am booking us
four tickets to Stockholm.

- He lives an hour away.
- Siri, undo!

[phone beeps]
- Apparently he's a reclusive,

and he never leaves
his compound,

and he recently turned down
a collaboration with Future

because he's only concerned
with the present.

Jesus,
this guy's the big times.

- Ooh, I found
the main studio line.

- There's always a way
to meet a man with an ego.

- Ooh. [chuckles]

[chiming]

- Music-Music International.
How may I hang up on you?

- [with British accent]
This is Jonathan Barron

from MasterClass.

We wish to invite Alf Music

to be our definitive teacher

on our class
on birthing a hook.

- Alf is out of the country,
but I'll relay the message.

- Not a problem.

We'll just call
David Guetta instead.

- Burn.
- David Guetta?

I am superior.
Set the meeting, Emil.

* *

- We're in.
- [gasps]

- [squeals]
[laughter]

[light music playing over TV]

- The doorway is arched,
and the entryway is arched.

- We could live like kings
in Indianapolis.

That house is $48.

- It has
a in-ground trampoline.

Maxie, come sit with us.

- Oscar is sitting there.
- [chuckles] Right.

Your invisible friend.
Can you sit on his lap?

- No, I would hurt him.

[alarm blares]

- Oh, Jesus,
the Egg Hunter app.

- Insert in five, four...

- It's so aggressive.
- [sighs]

My phone was...off.

Timing isn't bad though.

They just put the final tile
in the backsplash.

I know what that does to you.
I'll set up Max with the iPad.

- Uh, don't you want to see

if the couple
embraces clean lines?

- What is up with you?

Are you not in
for another baby?

I thought we had a plan.

Two kids, then two dogs.

Then once they're in college
and dog cemeteries,

we do a thousand puzzles,
and then we die.

- It's--it's just the group.

You know, things
are more complicated now.

I--I could use some time
to figure things out.

- If you don't
put the addition on now,

it'll be too late.

- I get it.
I'm 40.

- We also need
to think about Max.

Are we really gonna
deprive him of a sibling?

I just don't want him
to turn out weird, you know?

- Max isn't gonna be weird.

- If I didn't have
my property brother,

my life would be meaningless.
- Oh, Jesus.

* *

- I've never been this excited
to meet a man.

I mean, Mark Ruffalo
at a pet store

came close, but--

- I'm sorry, but I requested
no conversation.

- Oops.
- * I'm preparing *

- * Preparing *

- Oh, he's such a cutie.
- Oh.

- And I don't lie about that.
I'll call a pig a pig.

- Thanks, I know.

Max is the best.
- [vocalizing] Wow.

- Yeah, he's a classic
New York lonely boy.

- What?
- New York lonely boy.

A son born to older parents

who's more comfortable
around adults than kids.

Yeah, they're all over
the city, eating sushi.

They usually wear a fedora,
high-fiving a doorman.

- [chuckles]

That sounds
like some Manhattan shit.

We're Queens people.

Our heat comes from
one really hot, vertical pipe.

- No,
they're in all the boroughs

except Staten Island

'cause there's never been
an only child from there.

- How do you know about this?

- Half my patients have one,

but you're in good company.
John Slattery has one.

Kyle MacLachlan has one.
Matthew Broderick is one.

- That is it.

- Leaping labia!

- Oh, my God.
- Yes.

- First MasterClass question,
Alf.

How would you
like to be a part

of the biggest comeback
in pop music history?

- Sounds neat.
Fun question.

Teaching is quite easy.

- Well, guess what.

- It's us.
- We reunited.

- [gasps]

I do not recognize you,
which can mean only...

[screams]
You are Girls5eva!

- Coffee order, sir.
Who wants what from the truck?

We're the PAs.

- A white frittata
or mushroom omelet

or the soup is ham.

- We already
did the reveal, guys.

- G5E, look at you.

And only one is dead.

That's pretty good, actually.

- So you remember us?

- How could I forget
my only failure.

Other than my nine marriages.

- I wouldn't
use the word failure.

- Oh, is there a word
in English worse than failure?

Because in Swedish, it is...
[speaks Swedish]

It describes
a state in one's life

when you must shit
and your only hut.

- Oh.
- Huh.

- My whole career
has been touched

by Odin's golden thumb--

platinum, double platinum--
- [gasps]

- But you are
the one exception.

Only the one hit.

You are my white whales.
- That's very rude.

- Well,
we're back together, so...

* Seize the tonight *

From your song, "Seize
the Tonight (Right Now)."

- Yeah.
- Oh.

You use my own beautiful words
against me.

I am intrigu-ed, but real talk.

It has been an entire Zendaya
since you have recorded music.

A test.
Sing my charade!

- Oh, my goodness.
- What?

- Okay.

- What?
[clears throat]

[singing together]
* It's a movie *

* Four words *

* First word *

* Something small *

* We, money *

* Now he's doing animals *

* Elephants and tigers *

* "We Bought a Zoo" *

- It was
the concept of generosity.

- Ugh!
- Crap!

- I almost said that.

- But you have
more than one good.

You have the goods.
- Oh, my God.

- The muse has mounted me.
- Oh!

- Emil will be in touch!
- Okay.

- Let him know if you prefer
email or text.

- FYI, my mouth looks good
when it says "wow."

* *

Dawn, I quit the restaurant.

- Look at us,
making big moves

with major players.

Alf's gonna write us a hit.
- [chuckles]

- And then teens
will TikTok to it.

Like...
[grunting lightly, roars]

- Oh!
- [laughs]

I don't know.
- Whoa, Dawn.

- Charli D'Amelio
will figure it out.

- Then we get invited
to Jingle Ball,

then world tour,
then standing ovation

during the Grammys
in memoriam montage.

I skipped over
a bunch of stuff.

Don't worry.

we die at 90
in a yacht explosion.

- [chuckles]
[door opens]

[relaxed music]
[bicycle bell rings]

- Wait, is that a--

- * New York lonely boy *

* The city's full *

* Of New York lonely boys *

* No brother or sister *

* Just one little mister *

* He's just another *

* New York lonely boy *

* *

* New York lonely boy *

* His pants
are always spiffy *

* Only sibling is the city *

* His playground
is the lobby *

* Has a palate for wasabi *

* The Strand
is his Disneyland *

* He's just another *

* New York lonely boy *

* *

- Gloria was right.
Oh, no.

* *

- I will not
adjust my pace for you!

- Hey.
- Hey.

- How was the studio?
- Amazing, amazing!

Hey, Maxie, baby.

Wow, that is a cool drawing
of you and Daddy.

- It's me and Oscar.
- Your imaginary friend?

What--isn't he a little boy?
- He's a doorman.

- [whispers]
Oh, shit.

Yeah, um, hey, hey, hey,
let's, um--

let's do something fun, huh?
- Okay, Mommy.

Let's dance!
- Yes, let's dance!

Let's dance!

Okay, you want
to do the Elmo Slide or--

- Alexa play "The Daily."

[soft electronic music]

- Today on "The Daily,"
our broken...

- Shut up, Michael Barbaro!
Alexa, shut up!

Ugh, I'm gonna give you
to Goodwill.

- Alexa, off.
- Aw, man.

- Are you okay?
- [sighs]

We are not giving Max
a normal childhood.

He's a New York lonely boy.

- We need to make a baby now.
I'll get the iPad.

- No, um...it'll be fine.
I'll fix him.

[upbeat music]

- Help yourself
to smoked salmon.

We have it in fish or vape.
- [inhales]

Fuck me.
This is pole caught.

- Whoa, what is this award?

- Alf's Bjorky,

the ultimate
Nordic music prize.

[low, mysterious tone]
Resist the urge

to stare directly into it.

Alf will be with you--
- Now.

- Oh.
- Smart house, heard it all.

I birthed a seriously hot hook.

It arrived
during a sauna fever.

Let's lay it down fresh.

Just feel it,
you know, messy, messy.

Raw as surstromming.

- Okay.
- I'll lead it off.

- Of course, of course.
- And...playback.

[dramatic pop music building]

- * You started to tingle *

* But I wasn't believing *

both: * Ooh, ooh, ooh *

- * Saw your ring finger *

* Till I was uneven *

* *

[together]
* Booty pop flamp, wow *

* Slam it to the right *

* Booty pop flamp left,
now slam it to the side *

* Booty pop flamp now,
side pieces for life *

* Don't tell your wife *

* Flamp, wow,
flamp, wow, flamp, wow *

- [coughs]
Sorry, Alf.

This song is five stars,
wow, wow, wow,

but could I just go grab
a tea real quick

to slick my instrument?
- Sure, sore Wickers.

I need to take
a smoke break anyway.

Okay.
Let's take five hours.

- [hushed] Group meeting now.

- Oh, my goodness.

- What is wrong with you two?
- Yeah!

- I don't know
about that song.

- What?
- Yes, thank you.

- Do we really
want to call ourselves

side pieces for life?
- Oh, right.

Because it should be
"side pieces five life."

- I mean, my nieces
shouldn't aspire

to be side pieces.
They are built to be farmers.

- I thought Alf
was gonna write us

a fun song like our old stuff.
- Are you kidding?

That song is
exactly like our old stuff.

- [chuckles]

[singing together]
* 'Cause our eyes *

* Are so much bluer *

* When we cry *

* If my man does cheat *

* We'll only get real mad
at the other girl *

* *

- * It was her fault only *

[singing together]
* Jail bait *

* Great at sex *

* But it's our first time *

* We may be incredible,
we may be incredible *

* But that don't mean
we're credible *

* But that don't
mean we're credible *

* Sometimes girls lie, shh *

- How have I never
noticed this?

- Do earworms
bore holes in your brain?

We performed
"Dream Girlfriends" last week.

There's a whole verse
about how we agree

that female stand-ups
are a drag.

- Oh, my God.
Are we part of the problem?

Did we cause Hillary
to lose Pennsylvania?

- Oh, grow up!
This is pop music,

not Vermont public radio.
- Yeah.

- We were no wronger
than anyone else.

Britney, " I'm A Slave 4 U,"
Destiny's Child "Cater 2 U,"

ABBA, "Dancing Queen"

was only 17.
- Right.

- You two
are just being prudes.

- Oh, no, ma'am, no.

I power walk to "WAP", okay?
- Mm-hmm.

- I am positively sex-positive.

I will whip out a titty

right now
like a hard-boiled egg.

- I get why we sang
this stuff as teenagers,

but we have
adult ear holes now.

- Don't mess this up for me.

I have a lot riding
on this group.

- And I don't?

I'm putting off having
a second baby for this group.

- So what do you want?

A song that's all...

* We are always doctors *

- Well,
you're undermining your point

because that sounds
freaking amazing.

- Then let me sing it.

It would be like...

[slower, toned-down]
* We are always doctors *

- Oh, honey.
- Well, what do you want to do?

Tell a guy
with a thousand Grammys

that we don't like his song?

- Yeah,
what do you want to do?

Smart house.

- You have a problem
with my song?

I worked quite hard on it.
40 minutes, 20 metric.

- No, it's fire.

I was thinking of adding a
* Whoa-oh *

right before
"cram it wherever."

- Yeah,
let's lay that down, ladies.

- Vanta, vanta.
You too...

why do you look like children
during darkness months?

- Well, since you took
Wickie's note about "wow,"

I'm not crazy about
calling myself a side piece.

No judgment on side pieces
if that's a piece's choice.

It just doesn't feel
very reflective of my life.

- Music isn't facts, Dawn.

Okay, "Despaticito"?
Like, that's not a real word.

- My song is not accurate
to your experience?

- Well, certainly not my verse
where I bed down a teenage boy.

I mean,
I'm deep-fried gay, Alf.

- I could write a bridge
where you experiment

with a tattoo waitress
for your boyfriend's birthday.

I love women
when they are gay like this.

- I may not be gay like that.
- I might be.

We don't know.

[mutters] What?
- I have spent my whole career

writing songs for women,

but now you make me feel
as if I know nothing.

- We didn't mean to offend you.
- You have not offended me.

You have challenged me.

[dramatic music]

This is garbage for Girls5eva.

* *

[award whirs]
- Oh!

- I will write you
a song fresh and authentic

from an adult
woman's perspective.

But maybe leave out
the mom stuff.

It won't sell.
I'm not a magician.

- Please do.
It's so gross.

- That was empowering.
- We got lucky.

Whatever he comes back with,
we are taking.

- Well, obvs.
[car chirps]

I have never been
the problem here.

- Did I put my breasts back?
Yeah, I did.

I knew that I did, but I always
worry that I didn't

like leaving
a curling iron on.

- Okay, what flavor
do you want, buddy?

- Earl Grey.
- Earl Grey?

Jesus, okay.
They don't have that.

What about...
what about chocolate?

- No, thank you, Mama.
Mama, can we go there?

- Uh, just come have
some chocolate, Max.

- I don't want to!

- Have a childhood!
- Don't fight it.

Sorry, I didn't mean
to bother you,

but it looks like
you've got yourself

a New York lonely boy there.

- Um...yeah.

I guess I do, John Slattery.

- All I can say
is congratulations.

A New York lonely boy
is the greatest gift

a parent could ask for.
- It is?

- Heck, yeah.
I had five siblings.

I was too busy
fighting for food

to develop
a single goddamn interest,

but this kid,
he teaches us things.

He knows Mandarin.
He makes sourdough bread.

He makes these little movies.

- Oh, with the marionettes.
It's very imaginative.

- Yeah, loves museums.

- Oh, he's really good
at a dinner party.

- And what was that thing
you said the other night?

- Never trust
a restaurant on a corner.

- He's right.
They always phone it in.

Every day's like father's day.
He's our best friend.

- Don't worry.
They don't stay lonely forever.

Before you know it,

they're dating
a 23-year-old named Lucy.

She's a landscape architect,

but she also submits fiction
to "The New Yorker."

- So I won't ruin my son
by not having another baby?

- No, if anything,
the baby will ruin him.

- Want to meet my friend Oscar?

- Sure I would.
Hello, Oscar.

- They all have these
adult imaginary friends.

I thought
we had a ghost for weeks

until some therapist told me

it's because they idolize
their grandfathers.

These kids are incredible.

- Thank you so much.
- Pleasure.

Now go get him
a weird jazz hat and a $40 pen.

- [chuckles]
Go ahead, buddy.

- Come on, Oscar!

- Remember, no edits.

- Hey, as long as he
took our notes, I'm happy.

- Jinx.
- That's not how jinx works.

- Wait, whatever it is,

let's be sexy sailors
in the video

cause I already learned knots.

[soft dramatic music]

- [excited panting]
- [clears throat]

- I apologize for before.

I behave like
[speaks Swedish],

a sickly little prince.
- Oh.

- But I stayed up all night

and created something
wholly original...

- Okay.
- For Girls5eva.

[somber pop music]
- * What is it about me? *

- Ooh...it's a spooky one.

- * Why do I do this thing? *
- Loving it!

- * Why do I act that way? *

* Because I am invisible *

* Visible, invisible *

* Woman *

* Sadness woman *

* *

* Invisible woman *

- Vanta, vanta.
I'm--

I'm sorry, Alf...
[chuckles]

But what is this?

- An authentic anthem
for Girls5eva.

- How so?

- Typically, when
I write songs about women,

I just take a Buzzfeed quiz
about Disney princesses.

- I'm a Jasmine.
- Me too.

But you made me realize
I need to go deeper,

so I observed you
in my driveway--smart house.

- Oh.

- You have a square car

that is not fit
for any music video,

not even for a commercial
about Maryland.

I saw you freshen your armpit
with a Listerine breath strip.

You excitedly took a call
from spam risk.

[phone ringing]
- Hello?

Oh, my insurance has run out.

- They hung up first.

- Well, that's not indicative
of the whole group.

- My thought as well,
so I followed you last night.

You are the most fascinating.
- Thank you.

- I witnessed
your harrowing journey

to buy Baked Lay's
from a Duane Reade.

* *

Your boots could not
accommodate the ramp,

but instead of leaving,

you choose to scoot up it
like a toddler.

No one helped you,

nor did it seem
like you expected them to.

* *

- Well,
that's the end of my thing.

- Inside, it seemed like
your prayers had been answered,

but the machine,
she had a different plan.

- Shit!
Help!

* *

[sirens blare]

- * Sadness *

* Woman *

Instead of abandoning the shoe,

you just replaced it
with an inverted cola bottle,

a shoe you are
still wearing today.

- Ugh, they were $3,000.

- What lives are these?

There was no VIP,
no bottles popping,

no featurings of Pitbull,
and it was Friday.

One has got
to get down on Friday.

It was so sad to me.

- Look...
[grunts]

I may live in a hell hole...
- Hey!

- And I may spend part
of each day trying to locate

where one of my implants
medically migrated to...

- Swung over to the left side.
- But I am not sad.

- Well, you must take this
or leave this.

I can give you no more.

I play this for
Justin Bieber's pastor,

and he called it
Jingle Ball material.

- Jingle Ball!
- No.

I'm sorry, Alf,
but I'm not sad either.

I like my life,

and I love
my New York lonely boy.

- Same.
Not sad.

I mean,
sometimes I get horned up

when I listen
to murder podcasts,

but that's been a while.
- Guys, what are we doing?

We need a song.
- Then I'll write it.

I used to write
before Larry shot me down.

I wrote the jingle for
my brother's first business.

* Sprinkle your ash *

* But never your cash
at Solano's Crematorium *

- Okay, not going lie.

That is actually
a panty-dropper.

- So you are saying no to me?

- Thank you, Alf,
but Girls5eva...

Is officially leaving it.
- [gasps]

- No.

Thank you.

I have never yet before

felt the sting of Loki's
iron sickle of rejection.

I must use it.
Emil, get me Ed Sheeran.

- Oh.
- [chuckles]

- [chuckles]

- Guess what.
I'm gonna write songs.

- That's exciting.

- And I decided
I don't want to get pregnant.

I like what we have,
and Max is gonna be fine.

- I know.

I ran
into Kyle MacLachlan today,

but, Dawn...

I still want another baby.

I love being a dad.

That's the only thing
I'm good at

besides mastering
the AeroPress.

So this conversation
isn't over.

- Really?

[chuckles]
You're so sure of yourself.

Why am I horny?
- You're ovulating.

How do you know so little
about the female...

- Oh, shut up!

[both moan]

Hat required!

- Pass.
- Intercourse detected.

- [sighs]

Let's turn up
your cartoons, Max.

Wait, what are you watching?
- The situation is stable.

- "Chernobyl."

- Sure.
Why not?

- I insist it's stable.

[upbeat music]

* *

[acoustic music]

- * New York lonely boy *

* The city's full *

* Of New York lonely boys *

* Forget the Power Rangers *

* He prefers
small talk with strangers *

* He's just another
New York lonely boy *

* *

* He's a boy *

* Who's never seen
Chuck E. Cheese *

* Just a host
of documentaries *

* Expertly mixes plaids *

* Best friends
are mom and dad *

* New York lonely boy *

* He has a favorite font *

* Trick or treats
at a restaurant *

* Can't wait till tomorrow *

* To wake up
to Michael Barbaro *

* He loves couples
in their 40s *

* Dazzles dinner parties
with his stories *

* A sophisticated toddler *

* Naming pigeons
isn't odd for *

* Another New York *

* A sweet
and gentle New York *

* Another New York *

* Lonely boy *

* *

- Goodnight, everybody!
- Goodnight!