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00:00:01,209 --> 00:00:02,189
[TV static drones]
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00:00:02,209 --> 00:00:05,179
[bright tone]
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00:00:05,200 --> 00:00:08,060
[upbeat percussive music]
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00:00:08,080 --> 00:00:10,019
[elephant trumpets]
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00:00:10,039 --> 00:00:11,140
♪ ♪
6
00:00:11,160 --> 00:00:13,039
- Welcome
to "Black Table Talk,"
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00:00:13,060 --> 00:00:15,130
the only place
on Tariq Nasheed's internet
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00:00:15,150 --> 00:00:17,160
where we can have
an honest conversation.
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00:00:17,179 --> 00:00:20,050
Today's topic?
Women in the workplace.
10
00:00:20,070 --> 00:00:21,170
Why?
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00:00:21,190 --> 00:00:24,100
I'm your host, Dr. Haddassah
Olayinka Ali-Youngman,
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00:00:24,120 --> 00:00:26,129
pre-PhD,
and I'm about to take you
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00:00:26,149 --> 00:00:28,030
on the overground railroad--
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00:00:28,050 --> 00:00:29,219
- [chuckling]
How long is this intro?
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00:00:30,000 --> 00:00:32,100
I'm s--I do not mean
to rush you, Queen Haddassah,
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00:00:32,119 --> 00:00:34,219
but Kaavia has me on a curfew.
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00:00:35,000 --> 00:00:36,020
- See, see, see,
18
00:00:36,039 --> 00:00:38,009
no, no, no, Gabrielle Union.
19
00:00:38,030 --> 00:00:41,119
Black women babies are not
allowed to issue curfews.
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00:00:41,140 --> 00:00:43,030
Only our original kings
can do that.
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00:00:43,049 --> 00:00:44,140
- Mm, mm.
- You know,
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00:00:44,159 --> 00:00:46,219
Supreme Rahmeek
told me to be home by 3:00.
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00:00:47,000 --> 00:00:48,039
- Oh, is he here?
24
00:00:48,060 --> 00:00:50,130
Can he sign a head wrap for me?
25
00:00:50,149 --> 00:00:51,229
- Unfortunately, no.
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00:00:52,009 --> 00:00:54,100
He does not fraternize
with married women.
27
00:00:54,119 --> 00:00:57,060
Except for me
and all eight of his wives.
28
00:00:57,079 --> 00:00:59,130
- Oh, that's very Doug Christie
of you guys.
29
00:00:59,149 --> 00:01:01,159
- Anyway, welcome to the show.
30
00:01:01,179 --> 00:01:03,159
It says here now
that you're an actress,
31
00:01:03,179 --> 00:01:05,140
an author,
a television host,
32
00:01:05,159 --> 00:01:07,060
a fashion designer,
and a spokeswoman.
33
00:01:07,079 --> 00:01:09,079
- Thank you.
- Why so many jobs,
34
00:01:09,099 --> 00:01:11,069
and how does your husband deal
with this betrayal?
35
00:01:11,090 --> 00:01:13,069
- Betrayal?
Um...
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00:01:13,090 --> 00:01:16,069
I think my husband appreciates
a woman--
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00:01:16,090 --> 00:01:17,150
- Oh.
38
00:01:17,170 --> 00:01:19,019
- I'm sorry.
Female.
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00:01:19,039 --> 00:01:20,129
- Thank you.
40
00:01:20,150 --> 00:01:23,010
- That makes her own money,
is incredibly flexible,
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00:01:23,030 --> 00:01:25,200
and still is able
to raise a family.
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00:01:25,219 --> 00:01:27,079
- I'm glad you said that.
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00:01:27,099 --> 00:01:29,030
Now, as everybody knows,
there are many factors
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00:01:29,049 --> 00:01:31,189
working towards the destruction
of the Black family.
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00:01:31,210 --> 00:01:33,170
- Mm.
- Number one:
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00:01:33,189 --> 00:01:34,159
wet sneakers.
- Mm.
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00:01:34,180 --> 00:01:36,039
- Number two, working women.
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00:01:36,060 --> 00:01:38,120
And if you ask--
- Aren't you at work right now?
49
00:01:38,140 --> 00:01:40,120
- I--I don't get paid for this.
50
00:01:40,140 --> 00:01:42,170
I have made no money
doing anything.
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00:01:42,189 --> 00:01:44,069
[upbeat percussive music]
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00:01:44,090 --> 00:01:46,049
Now, Ms. Gabrielle.
- Mm-hmm.
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00:01:46,069 --> 00:01:48,030
- Let's talk about
your professional goals.
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00:01:48,049 --> 00:01:50,219
- Sure.
- With your king, Dwyane Wade.
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00:01:51,000 --> 00:01:52,229
[lion roars]
- Oh, shit. Okay.
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00:01:53,009 --> 00:01:54,030
Uh--
- Now, how do you feel
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00:01:54,049 --> 00:01:55,090
about your wife out here
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00:01:55,109 --> 00:01:57,030
working like
a free-range chicken?
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00:01:57,049 --> 00:02:00,069
- Well, I'm sure my, uh,
cardboard king, uh,
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00:02:00,090 --> 00:02:01,209
would love for me to be home
a little bit more--
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00:02:01,230 --> 00:02:03,120
- Shh, shh.
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00:02:03,140 --> 00:02:05,109
Shh-shh.
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00:02:05,129 --> 00:02:08,080
Earth, let your God speak.
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00:02:08,099 --> 00:02:12,129
♪ ♪
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00:02:12,150 --> 00:02:13,129
- [softly]
Mm-hmm.
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00:02:13,150 --> 00:02:16,189
♪ ♪
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00:02:16,210 --> 00:02:18,170
You know, my husband--
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00:02:18,189 --> 00:02:21,139
nay, God...
- Mm.
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00:02:21,159 --> 00:02:26,139
- You know, he just retired
from the universe of the NBA.
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00:02:26,159 --> 00:02:27,150
- Why would he do that?
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00:02:27,170 --> 00:02:29,020
Such a lucrative job.
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00:02:29,039 --> 00:02:31,189
- He--you know, he's a--
he's a little old, and he--
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00:02:31,210 --> 00:02:33,090
- How dare you speak about him
in that way!
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00:02:33,110 --> 00:02:35,060
I'm so sorry,
cardboard Dwyane Wade.
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00:02:35,079 --> 00:02:36,069
[lion roars]
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00:02:36,090 --> 00:02:37,170
Please continue.
77
00:02:37,189 --> 00:02:40,110
- But you know,
I have worked my whole career.
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00:02:40,129 --> 00:02:41,110
- That's the problem.
79
00:02:41,129 --> 00:02:42,219
- But I'm actually fine
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00:02:43,000 --> 00:02:44,120
being one of the breadwinners
in my family.
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00:02:44,139 --> 00:02:46,189
- Breadwinners?
Oh, no!
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00:02:46,210 --> 00:02:49,060
White people got you thinking
bread is a prize!
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00:02:49,079 --> 00:02:50,110
[upbeat percussive music]
Sister...
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00:02:50,129 --> 00:02:51,199
may I call you Oshun?
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00:02:51,219 --> 00:02:53,050
- As long as I can have
my hand back?
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00:02:53,069 --> 00:02:55,090
- Oshun,
this is not your fault.
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00:02:55,110 --> 00:02:57,110
Like Lauryn Hill,
you've been miseducated
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00:02:57,129 --> 00:02:59,150
and you're late
to the true knowledge.
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00:02:59,170 --> 00:03:01,030
But we can get you back.
Oh, yes.
90
00:03:01,050 --> 00:03:03,189
All you have to do is enroll
in my learning center.
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00:03:03,210 --> 00:03:05,000
Yeah.
- Is that--
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00:03:05,020 --> 00:03:06,060
is that like a school?
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00:03:06,080 --> 00:03:08,060
'Cause you need to leave
every child behind.
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00:03:08,080 --> 00:03:09,050
[lion snarls]
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00:03:09,069 --> 00:03:10,090
[notification chimes]
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00:03:10,110 --> 00:03:12,080
Oh, I'm sorry.
97
00:03:13,210 --> 00:03:18,039
Did you just send me
a Venmo request for $58,000?
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00:03:18,060 --> 00:03:20,009
- And that's just
the first installment.
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00:03:20,030 --> 00:03:24,030
For another $700,000, you can
become a Founding Pharaoh
100
00:03:24,050 --> 00:03:27,009
in the Dr. Haddassah Institute
for Elevation,
101
00:03:27,030 --> 00:03:28,210
Conspiritization, Melanization,
102
00:03:29,000 --> 00:03:31,030
and Vitamins.
- Vitamins.
103
00:03:31,050 --> 00:03:36,039
So you want me to be a Founding
Pharaoh of your pyramid scheme?
104
00:03:36,060 --> 00:03:38,009
No, thanks.
- But, but, but, see, see, see,
105
00:03:38,030 --> 00:03:40,069
no, no, no!
With your tuition,
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00:03:40,090 --> 00:03:44,039
you will also receive
the singular, sacred text
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00:03:44,060 --> 00:03:47,039
that will help build your mind
to the ultimate level:
108
00:03:47,060 --> 00:03:49,219
"The Earth is Flat and Other
Reasons You Shouldn't Vote."
109
00:03:50,000 --> 00:03:51,099
- But people should vote.
110
00:03:51,120 --> 00:03:53,139
- [chuckles] Why?
Cast a ballot?
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00:03:53,159 --> 00:03:54,229
Think about it.
112
00:03:55,009 --> 00:03:57,170
Ballot is just two letters away
from bullet.
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00:03:57,189 --> 00:04:00,020
They want us to kill
our community.
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00:04:00,039 --> 00:04:03,000
- Ma'am,
this is a takeout menu.
115
00:04:03,020 --> 00:04:07,000
But if you wanna talk
empowering, Black literature?
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00:04:07,020 --> 00:04:08,110
- Yes, yes!
117
00:04:08,129 --> 00:04:10,009
- Literature.
- Literature!
118
00:04:10,030 --> 00:04:12,039
Let's do it!
- My "New York Times"
119
00:04:12,060 --> 00:04:16,079
bestselling book,
"A Woman Who Actually Farts."
120
00:04:16,100 --> 00:04:18,079
The freedom of flatulence!
121
00:04:18,100 --> 00:04:20,089
Chapter one--
- Get it outta there!
122
00:04:20,110 --> 00:04:22,100
You have disgusted me!
123
00:04:22,120 --> 00:04:23,160
You never told me
you were literate!
124
00:04:23,180 --> 00:04:25,089
This is a total abomination!
125
00:04:25,110 --> 00:04:26,220
Until next time...
[upbeat percussive music]
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00:04:27,000 --> 00:04:28,040
This has been
"Black Table Talk."
127
00:04:28,060 --> 00:04:30,040
- You didn't think
I could read?
128
00:04:30,060 --> 00:04:31,110
- I had hoped not.
129
00:04:31,129 --> 00:04:33,209
Explain yourself.
How much can you read?
130
00:04:33,230 --> 00:04:35,069
The whole alphabet?
131
00:04:35,090 --> 00:04:36,220
That's why you only
have one husband.
132
00:04:37,000 --> 00:04:38,090
- I've had a couple.
133
00:04:38,110 --> 00:04:39,199
- You know what?
Let's talk about that.
134
00:04:39,220 --> 00:04:41,139
- I shouldn't have read
in that first marriage.
135
00:04:41,159 --> 00:04:43,090
- Thank you.
- It was a book club,
136
00:04:43,110 --> 00:04:45,050
Queen Haddassah.
- Oh!
137
00:04:45,069 --> 00:04:46,170
- [sniffles]
138
00:04:46,189 --> 00:04:49,000
- How many books
did you get through?
139
00:04:49,019 --> 00:04:50,060
- Dozens.
- [gasps] Oh, my--
140
00:04:50,079 --> 00:04:51,180
[elephant trumpets]
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00:04:53,120 --> 00:04:55,090
- ♪ Here's a little story
'bout a raw-ass bitch ♪
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00:04:55,110 --> 00:04:57,209
♪ That'll take yo' man
like she take that dick ♪
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00:04:57,230 --> 00:04:59,209
♪ She got 99 problems
but a bitch ain't one ♪
144
00:04:59,230 --> 00:05:01,060
♪ She like
strapped street niggas ♪
145
00:05:01,079 --> 00:05:02,129
♪ Who gon' run them funds ♪
146
00:05:02,149 --> 00:05:03,189
♪ I got a gang of bitches ♪
147
00:05:03,209 --> 00:05:05,019
♪ Who gon' see 'bout me ♪
148
00:05:05,040 --> 00:05:06,100
♪ Quick to run up in your ♪
149
00:05:06,120 --> 00:05:07,170
♪ Shit, ho, one, two, three ♪
150
00:05:07,189 --> 00:05:09,089
♪ I still remain untouched ♪
151
00:05:09,110 --> 00:05:10,149
♪ I just walk through
them hos ♪
152
00:05:10,170 --> 00:05:12,040
♪ And drop my nuts ♪
153
00:05:12,060 --> 00:05:13,110
♪ Your baby daddy
fell in love ♪
154
00:05:13,129 --> 00:05:14,160
♪ I just wanted to fuck ♪
155
00:05:14,180 --> 00:05:15,199
♪ I just wanted the cash ♪
156
00:05:15,220 --> 00:05:17,019
♪ All he wanted was us ♪
157
00:05:17,040 --> 00:05:18,089
♪ Take a blunt to the face ♪
158
00:05:18,110 --> 00:05:19,199
♪ While he rubbing my butt ♪
159
00:05:19,220 --> 00:05:21,029
♪ Countin' money
in my panties ♪
160
00:05:21,050 --> 00:05:22,160
♪ That shit give me a rush ♪
161
00:05:22,180 --> 00:05:24,000
♪ Go, girl,
wit' yo' fine ass ♪
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00:05:24,019 --> 00:05:25,139
♪ Get a bag, make 'em mad ♪
163
00:05:25,160 --> 00:05:27,050
♪ Bitch, you bad
with your fine ass ♪
164
00:05:27,069 --> 00:05:28,079
♪ Go, girl,
with your fine ass ♪
165
00:05:28,100 --> 00:05:29,209
♪ Make a mess ♪
166
00:05:29,230 --> 00:05:31,120
♪ You the best
wit' yo' fine ass ♪
167
00:05:31,139 --> 00:05:32,209
♪ Go, girl,
with your fine-- ♪
168
00:05:36,149 --> 00:05:38,040
♪ Go, girl,
with your fine ass ♪
169
00:05:38,060 --> 00:05:39,220
♪ Make a mess,
leave 'em pressed ♪
170
00:05:40,000 --> 00:05:41,139
♪ You the best
let me see you do it ♪
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00:05:41,159 --> 00:05:43,090
♪ Just fly with it,
vibe with it ♪
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00:05:43,110 --> 00:05:45,189
♪ Talk to your homegirl,
high-five with me ♪
173
00:05:45,209 --> 00:05:47,050
♪ Let me see you do it ♪
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00:05:48,000 --> 00:05:49,139
[soft dramatic music]
175
00:05:49,159 --> 00:05:51,220
- This must be the laptop
Whitley took to Hillman.
176
00:05:52,000 --> 00:05:54,180
- Tch. What kinda
'90s dollar bullshit is this?
177
00:05:54,199 --> 00:05:56,009
- Well, turn it on.
See what's on it.
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00:05:56,029 --> 00:05:58,209
- I got it.
[button clicking]
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00:05:58,230 --> 00:06:00,160
♪ ♪
180
00:06:00,180 --> 00:06:02,040
- Shit.
It's dead.
181
00:06:02,060 --> 00:06:03,069
- Maybe it's not dead.
182
00:06:03,089 --> 00:06:06,129
Maybe it's racist.
[chuckles]
183
00:06:06,149 --> 00:06:07,230
- Oh, well.
You guys hungry?
184
00:06:08,009 --> 00:06:09,129
I'm happy to make something.
185
00:06:09,149 --> 00:06:10,220
You know I requested
an application
186
00:06:11,000 --> 00:06:12,060
from Le Cordon Bleu?
187
00:06:12,079 --> 00:06:14,000
- Yeah, okay.
- Hell yeah, we hungry.
188
00:06:14,019 --> 00:06:15,089
- I refuse to be distracted
189
00:06:15,110 --> 00:06:17,230
by that ridiculous piece
of information.
190
00:06:18,009 --> 00:06:19,180
Why are you changing
the subject?
191
00:06:19,199 --> 00:06:21,069
- 'Cause I can't fix
a dead laptop,
192
00:06:21,089 --> 00:06:23,120
but I can fix a protein
and two sides.
193
00:06:23,139 --> 00:06:24,129
- We'll take it.
- Mm-hmm.
194
00:06:24,149 --> 00:06:26,040
- Suspish.
- What?
195
00:06:26,060 --> 00:06:27,149
- She's suspicious.
I'm suspicious of her.
196
00:06:27,170 --> 00:06:29,050
She's suspish.
- Okay, but why are you
197
00:06:29,069 --> 00:06:31,000
saying it like
a detective in a French novel?
198
00:06:31,019 --> 00:06:34,120
- Robin, Skye is our friend.
Nobody suspishes her.
199
00:06:34,139 --> 00:06:35,170
- Oh, so we all saying it now?
200
00:06:35,189 --> 00:06:36,230
Everybody's just
saying suspish?
201
00:06:37,009 --> 00:06:38,100
- Think about it.
She's the one
202
00:06:38,120 --> 00:06:39,230
that brought us
to this creepy-ass warehouse
203
00:06:40,009 --> 00:06:42,019
that she "found" before
an "apocalypse."
204
00:06:42,040 --> 00:06:43,149
- Put your air quotes away.
205
00:06:43,170 --> 00:06:46,019
There was an apocalypse.
We all lived through it.
206
00:06:46,040 --> 00:06:47,110
- Okay. Touché. Fine.
207
00:06:47,129 --> 00:06:48,220
But we're all just supposed
to believe
208
00:06:49,000 --> 00:06:50,180
that someone sent
this busted-ass laptop
209
00:06:50,199 --> 00:06:52,050
to this abandoned-ass warehouse
210
00:06:52,069 --> 00:06:53,110
with all this cool-ass stuff
in it?
211
00:06:53,129 --> 00:06:55,009
- We do believe that.
- Yeah.
212
00:06:55,029 --> 00:06:57,129
- That's another thing.
We barely know you.
213
00:06:57,149 --> 00:06:59,000
- Y'all know each other.
214
00:06:59,019 --> 00:07:01,110
Y'all played dick, dick, goose
with Rodney.
215
00:07:01,129 --> 00:07:02,149
- Nasty.
216
00:07:02,170 --> 00:07:03,209
- Robin,
where is this coming from?
217
00:07:03,230 --> 00:07:05,180
You guys know me
and I know you.
218
00:07:05,199 --> 00:07:07,110
- Okay.
If you know us, prove it.
219
00:07:07,129 --> 00:07:09,000
What's Laci's last name?
220
00:07:09,019 --> 00:07:10,189
- Well, to be fair, I have
changed it several times.
221
00:07:10,209 --> 00:07:12,120
- Shh.
I want to hear this, too.
222
00:07:12,139 --> 00:07:15,230
- Hmm. Okay, let's see.
We met at my hair salon.
223
00:07:16,009 --> 00:07:17,110
Gabrielle referred you.
224
00:07:17,129 --> 00:07:19,040
- 'Cause she was
my personal trainer
225
00:07:19,060 --> 00:07:21,129
but her hair was a mess and
it was disturbing my workouts.
226
00:07:21,149 --> 00:07:24,069
- So that means your last name
is...
227
00:07:24,089 --> 00:07:26,220
[suspenseful music]
228
00:07:27,000 --> 00:07:29,149
Wilson.
- You know me!
229
00:07:29,170 --> 00:07:30,189
- Whatever.
That was an easy one.
230
00:07:30,209 --> 00:07:32,120
A child could've guessed it.
231
00:07:32,139 --> 00:07:33,199
No offense, Skye--
you know what?
232
00:07:33,220 --> 00:07:35,189
All offense.
I don't trust you.
233
00:07:35,209 --> 00:07:37,060
- Look, all I know is
234
00:07:37,079 --> 00:07:38,220
Skye never snatched out
my edges.
235
00:07:39,009 --> 00:07:41,100
And frankly, that's all a bitch
needs to know, okay?
236
00:07:41,120 --> 00:07:43,129
- Okay, well,
if that's all you need to know
237
00:07:43,149 --> 00:07:44,209
and she's gonna be
all up in your scalp,
238
00:07:44,230 --> 00:07:46,199
maybe you should know
her last name.
239
00:07:46,220 --> 00:07:48,050
Quick.
What is it?
240
00:07:48,069 --> 00:07:51,050
[suspenseful music]
241
00:07:51,069 --> 00:07:52,050
♪ ♪
242
00:07:52,069 --> 00:07:54,040
- I know it. I know it.
243
00:07:54,060 --> 00:07:55,189
I have it in my phone.
244
00:07:55,209 --> 00:07:57,069
It's Hairstylist.
245
00:07:57,090 --> 00:07:59,029
- Oh!
246
00:07:59,050 --> 00:08:00,170
[quirky upbeat music]
247
00:08:00,189 --> 00:08:03,230
- I have you in my phone
as (friend).
248
00:08:05,000 --> 00:08:06,170
[upbeat music]
249
00:08:06,189 --> 00:08:08,160
- Excuse me!
250
00:08:08,180 --> 00:08:10,199
Excuse me, excuse me,
excuse me, excuse me,
251
00:08:10,220 --> 00:08:12,189
everybody.
Um, thank you
252
00:08:12,209 --> 00:08:15,209
for coming out to
another Aisha production.
253
00:08:15,230 --> 00:08:17,120
If you know anything about me,
254
00:08:17,139 --> 00:08:19,050
you know I like to make moments
for the 'Gram.
255
00:08:19,069 --> 00:08:20,139
So the way we're gonna reveal
256
00:08:20,160 --> 00:08:22,040
the gender to Ta'Kia's baby
is--
257
00:08:22,060 --> 00:08:24,180
- We're gonna have a pink
and a blue monster fight
258
00:08:24,199 --> 00:08:27,069
and then whichever one wins,
that's what I'm having.
259
00:08:27,089 --> 00:08:29,209
Ow!
[cheers and applause]
260
00:08:29,230 --> 00:08:31,079
Bring it out!
[cheers and applause]
261
00:08:31,100 --> 00:08:32,129
- Come on!
262
00:08:32,149 --> 00:08:34,139
[dramatic music]
263
00:08:34,159 --> 00:08:36,210
Okay, I see you, ol' monster!
[chuckles]
264
00:08:36,230 --> 00:08:39,039
- ♪ We about to act up ♪
265
00:08:39,059 --> 00:08:40,100
♪ On a rampage ♪
266
00:08:40,120 --> 00:08:43,090
- Get excited, everybody!
Yeah!
267
00:08:43,110 --> 00:08:44,169
- Who's gonna win?
268
00:08:44,190 --> 00:08:46,090
- What in the sweet fuck
is this?
269
00:08:46,110 --> 00:08:47,129
[music stops]
270
00:08:47,149 --> 00:08:48,230
- Who--who said that?
271
00:08:49,009 --> 00:08:52,149
- Daddy!
Chris, say hi to Daddy.
272
00:08:52,169 --> 00:08:53,220
- Huh?
273
00:08:55,200 --> 00:08:57,039
Oh.
Sup?
274
00:08:57,059 --> 00:08:59,159
- As the father
of these two amazing people,
275
00:08:59,179 --> 00:09:02,059
I just wanna say that this
276
00:09:02,080 --> 00:09:04,230
is the dumbest idea
I've ever seen.
277
00:09:05,009 --> 00:09:06,110
But it's none of my business.
278
00:09:06,129 --> 00:09:08,019
- Okay, great, great.
279
00:09:08,039 --> 00:09:09,149
So are we ready to reveal
the gender?
280
00:09:09,169 --> 00:09:12,049
- Nah, I'm good.
- What?
281
00:09:12,070 --> 00:09:13,169
- That's an A and B
conversation.
282
00:09:13,190 --> 00:09:15,210
- It's really not.
It's a we conversation.
283
00:09:15,230 --> 00:09:17,149
- My name's Bennett
and I ain't in it.
284
00:09:17,169 --> 00:09:19,179
- You don't want to reveal
the gender of your grandbaby?
285
00:09:19,200 --> 00:09:21,230
- That's between you and y'all.
286
00:09:22,009 --> 00:09:23,080
- So why are you here?
287
00:09:23,100 --> 00:09:24,190
- I'm not.
288
00:09:24,210 --> 00:09:26,220
Chris!
Come here, son.
289
00:09:27,000 --> 00:09:29,200
- Okay. All right, well,
everybody over here.
290
00:09:29,220 --> 00:09:31,220
[both laugh]
291
00:09:32,000 --> 00:09:33,139
[crowd oohs]
[boxing bell rings]
292
00:09:33,159 --> 00:09:35,139
- Now, what in the
slobbering bullshit is this?
293
00:09:35,159 --> 00:09:38,139
You still all broke up
over this girl?
294
00:09:38,159 --> 00:09:39,179
- No.
295
00:09:39,200 --> 00:09:40,200
- You been divorced a year.
296
00:09:40,220 --> 00:09:42,220
It didn't work out.
Move on.
297
00:09:43,000 --> 00:09:44,080
♪ ♪
298
00:09:44,100 --> 00:09:47,029
All right, look, son.
Let me tell you something.
299
00:09:47,049 --> 00:09:50,070
Just 'cause you're with a girl
since you were in grade school
300
00:09:50,090 --> 00:09:53,220
and she's amazing
and she never did anything
301
00:09:54,000 --> 00:09:58,100
'cept support your struggling,
little rap career...
302
00:09:58,120 --> 00:09:59,149
[body thumps]
[crowd oohs]
303
00:09:59,169 --> 00:10:01,120
That's no reason
to stay with her.
304
00:10:01,139 --> 00:10:03,070
There's a lot of fish
in the sea.
305
00:10:03,090 --> 00:10:06,149
A lot of apples in the pie.
[chuckles]
306
00:10:06,169 --> 00:10:08,210
Now you good?
307
00:10:08,230 --> 00:10:10,159
- Nala.
308
00:10:10,179 --> 00:10:11,200
- Answer me, boy.
309
00:10:11,220 --> 00:10:13,190
I've reached my time limit
of talking.
310
00:10:13,210 --> 00:10:14,190
- Norwegian.
311
00:10:14,210 --> 00:10:16,019
- Don't do it again.
312
00:10:16,039 --> 00:10:17,179
Don't do it again.
- A'ight.
313
00:10:17,200 --> 00:10:18,179
Nova Scotia.
314
00:10:18,200 --> 00:10:20,039
Nappy roots.
315
00:10:20,059 --> 00:10:21,100
- Don't say it again.
316
00:10:21,120 --> 00:10:22,230
- North pole.
- Give me an answer.
317
00:10:23,009 --> 00:10:24,080
- Night-night.
- Seriously.
318
00:10:24,100 --> 00:10:26,019
- Night-night.
- Don't--that--don't--
319
00:10:26,039 --> 00:10:29,000
- [babbles]
- Boy, stop playing.
320
00:10:29,019 --> 00:10:30,049
- Naruto.
321
00:10:30,070 --> 00:10:31,090
- What--what'd you say?
322
00:10:31,110 --> 00:10:32,220
- Norah Jones.
- One more time.
323
00:10:33,000 --> 00:10:33,230
- ♪ Never too much ♪
324
00:10:34,009 --> 00:10:35,169
[crowd gasping]
325
00:10:35,190 --> 00:10:36,200
- Don't play with me.
326
00:10:36,220 --> 00:10:38,159
- A'ight, dang.
I'm good.
327
00:10:38,179 --> 00:10:40,080
- You okay?
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
328
00:10:40,100 --> 00:10:42,059
Don't look over here.
Nope. Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh.
329
00:10:42,080 --> 00:10:45,100
'Scuse me, 'scuse me.
Uh, can y'all stop fighting?
330
00:10:45,120 --> 00:10:46,210
It's confusing
the monster fight
331
00:10:46,230 --> 00:10:48,129
and we can't have two fights
going on at once.
332
00:10:48,149 --> 00:10:50,080
- Oh, my bad.
333
00:10:50,100 --> 00:10:52,009
- Stop looking at me like that.
[giggles]
334
00:10:52,029 --> 00:10:53,120
- Dang, Aisha.
You got thick.
335
00:10:53,139 --> 00:10:55,000
- I got thick?
- Uh-huh.
336
00:10:55,019 --> 00:10:56,090
Let me see you turn around.
- Where? [giggles]
337
00:10:56,110 --> 00:10:57,149
[both chuckling]
338
00:10:57,169 --> 00:10:59,210
- You see where.
- Chris. [giggling]
339
00:10:59,230 --> 00:11:02,000
We can't be doing this stuff
in front of your dad, but--
340
00:11:02,019 --> 00:11:03,059
- Anybody wondering
what kind of baby
341
00:11:03,080 --> 00:11:04,080
I'm gonna have, or like?
342
00:11:04,100 --> 00:11:05,120
- Oh, okay.
My bad, sis.
343
00:11:05,139 --> 00:11:06,139
- Okay. Keep it classy.
344
00:11:06,159 --> 00:11:07,179
All right.
345
00:11:07,200 --> 00:11:09,190
Okay!
Nothing happened, no!
346
00:11:09,210 --> 00:11:11,059
- Hold on.
Let me ask the kid a question.
347
00:11:11,080 --> 00:11:12,190
- What?
- Let me ask you this, La'Kia.
348
00:11:12,210 --> 00:11:14,149
Nigga knocked you up,
he got a beard like me?
349
00:11:14,169 --> 00:11:16,139
- He has two beards.
- He got two beards like me?
350
00:11:16,159 --> 00:11:18,129
Like your brother?
- He's on power.
351
00:11:18,149 --> 00:11:20,139
- Okay. So that's, like,
a lot of beards.
352
00:11:20,159 --> 00:11:22,059
I get it.
- Can I have one day
353
00:11:22,080 --> 00:11:23,190
that's about me?
- You can, baby, you can--
354
00:11:23,210 --> 00:11:25,139
- No, I'm proud of you.
Let me ask you this--
355
00:11:25,159 --> 00:11:26,179
let me ask you this.
356
00:11:26,200 --> 00:11:28,019
Is that a real baby?
- Yes!
357
00:11:28,039 --> 00:11:29,090
- Oh, okay.
I didn't know.
358
00:11:29,110 --> 00:11:30,220
- Where would I get
a fake baby?
359
00:11:31,000 --> 00:11:32,090
- Okay, stop playing, Chris.
Let's get back to it.
360
00:11:32,110 --> 00:11:34,049
- A'ight.
- Everybody, thank you.
361
00:11:34,070 --> 00:11:35,179
Continue.
362
00:11:35,200 --> 00:11:37,049
- Blue, where you at?
Come on!
363
00:11:37,070 --> 00:11:38,200
- You can do it, B!
364
00:11:38,220 --> 00:11:40,049
- I see what your sister's
having,
365
00:11:40,070 --> 00:11:42,070
but don't be
too obvious about it.
366
00:11:42,090 --> 00:11:43,200
- Uh-uh!
Don't let him do you like that!
367
00:11:43,220 --> 00:11:45,090
♪ ♪
368
00:11:45,110 --> 00:11:47,029
- Hit her, blue.
- Come on! Girl power!
369
00:11:47,049 --> 00:11:49,049
- There you go!
[crowd clamoring]
370
00:11:49,070 --> 00:11:50,149
[cheers and applause]
371
00:11:50,169 --> 00:11:51,230
- It's a--[giggling]
- Girl!
372
00:11:52,009 --> 00:11:54,129
I'm having a girl!
373
00:11:54,149 --> 00:11:57,169
- Hey,
blue monster's calling 911!
374
00:11:57,190 --> 00:11:59,070
Grab his phone!
375
00:11:59,090 --> 00:12:00,129
Hey, we ain't see shit!
376
00:12:00,149 --> 00:12:02,029
- ♪ We about to act up ♪
377
00:12:04,009 --> 00:12:05,080
[lyre music]
378
00:12:05,100 --> 00:12:08,009
- How are we the only ones
not being served?
379
00:12:08,029 --> 00:12:09,129
What are we?
A bunch of lepers?
380
00:12:09,149 --> 00:12:10,230
- Maybe it's a blessing.
381
00:12:11,009 --> 00:12:13,019
I heard somebody found a locust
in their salad.
382
00:12:13,039 --> 00:12:14,100
- That's disgusting.
383
00:12:14,120 --> 00:12:17,009
This whole situation
is mad disrespectful.
384
00:12:17,029 --> 00:12:19,019
I can't believe they put us
at a kiddie table.
385
00:12:19,039 --> 00:12:20,139
There's plenty of room
over there.
386
00:12:20,159 --> 00:12:22,100
They're all sitting
on one side.
387
00:12:22,120 --> 00:12:23,179
- Word around the manger is
388
00:12:23,200 --> 00:12:26,019
they resurrected this table
from the trash.
389
00:12:26,039 --> 00:12:27,120
I don't even know
where they got it.
390
00:12:27,139 --> 00:12:29,059
I never even seen
a wooden folding table before.
391
00:12:29,080 --> 00:12:31,080
- I don't think they would want
me over there anyway.
392
00:12:31,100 --> 00:12:32,230
They won't say it,
393
00:12:33,009 --> 00:12:35,110
but I don't think the Apostles
wanna hang with a ho.
394
00:12:35,129 --> 00:12:37,179
- We should be
at the big table.
395
00:12:37,200 --> 00:12:40,070
- Ex-ho. Yeah.
No, I'm an ex-ho.
396
00:12:40,090 --> 00:12:42,100
- I haven't seen sexism
like this
397
00:12:42,120 --> 00:12:44,049
since Leviticus CK's
stand-up show.
398
00:12:44,070 --> 00:12:46,080
Look at this. This isn't even
a real tablecloth.
399
00:12:46,100 --> 00:12:48,070
It's just a long
sheet of papyrus.
400
00:12:48,090 --> 00:12:51,139
And if Paul calls me
a disciplette one more time?
401
00:12:51,159 --> 00:12:53,029
- Well, you know I'd rather
cut a baby in half
402
00:12:53,049 --> 00:12:56,110
than gossip,
but I heard Paul's real name?
403
00:12:56,129 --> 00:12:57,200
Saul.
S'Paul must be in
404
00:12:57,220 --> 00:12:59,080
the Witness Redemption Program.
405
00:12:59,100 --> 00:13:01,149
- You mean he's the Saul
that got Christians stoned
406
00:13:01,169 --> 00:13:03,059
and not in a puff, puff, pass
way?
407
00:13:03,080 --> 00:13:05,070
- Girl, you didn't read it
on my parchment, but yes.
408
00:13:05,090 --> 00:13:07,139
- I wish they would let go
of my sins as easily.
409
00:13:07,159 --> 00:13:11,009
Just 'cause I smashed a few
mens for loaves and fishes
410
00:13:11,029 --> 00:13:13,159
doesn't mean I'll do it again.
- Wait, why did you do that?
411
00:13:13,179 --> 00:13:15,200
- Jesus just gives away
the loaves and fishes for free.
412
00:13:15,220 --> 00:13:17,129
- Girl, be quiet. You know
you slept with somebody
413
00:13:17,149 --> 00:13:18,230
for some loaves and fishes
before.
414
00:13:19,009 --> 00:13:20,149
- We don't have to.
- They're free.
415
00:13:20,169 --> 00:13:22,090
- That's the one thing
you have free in this life.
416
00:13:22,110 --> 00:13:24,090
- Okay, okay, I get it,
okay, okay.
417
00:13:24,110 --> 00:13:26,000
- We have literally
never done that.
418
00:13:26,019 --> 00:13:27,090
- Didn't you have tea about
Peter?
419
00:13:27,110 --> 00:13:28,190
I'm done talking about it.
- Oh, yeah.
420
00:13:28,210 --> 00:13:30,100
You know about Peter, right?
- Mm-hmm.
421
00:13:30,120 --> 00:13:31,210
- Okay,
so before the rooster crows,
422
00:13:31,230 --> 00:13:33,179
he's gonna deny Jesus
three times.
423
00:13:33,200 --> 00:13:35,009
Don't that just burn your bush?
424
00:13:35,029 --> 00:13:36,100
- Okay, fine.
425
00:13:36,120 --> 00:13:39,000
Lying with Malachi
begat lying with Ishmael,
426
00:13:39,019 --> 00:13:41,080
which begat lying with Agabus.
427
00:13:41,100 --> 00:13:43,070
- No, no. You're not supposed
to find joy in it.
428
00:13:43,090 --> 00:13:46,009
- What burns my bush is that
we still haven't been served.
429
00:13:46,029 --> 00:13:49,059
I'd go find my waitress,
but my dogs are barking.
430
00:13:49,080 --> 00:13:51,080
Jesus walks a lot.
- He do.
431
00:13:51,100 --> 00:13:53,169
- And why do we have to wear
the high heel sandals?
432
00:13:53,190 --> 00:13:55,159
- Everyone can't resurrect
a new ankle.
433
00:13:55,179 --> 00:13:57,179
- Right? I'm saying.
Like, so what?
434
00:13:57,200 --> 00:13:59,139
I parted my legs
like the Red Sea.
435
00:13:59,159 --> 00:14:00,220
So what, right?
436
00:14:01,000 --> 00:14:02,080
I turned over a new fig leaf.
437
00:14:02,100 --> 00:14:04,029
- ♪ La-la ♪
- Oh, Lord. Here we go.
438
00:14:04,049 --> 00:14:06,029
- [gasps]
Hi, ladies!
439
00:14:06,049 --> 00:14:08,039
- Hey, Mary Magdalene.
- Hi, Mary Magdalene.
440
00:14:08,059 --> 00:14:09,169
- I haven't seen you all night.
441
00:14:09,190 --> 00:14:11,190
I've been over there kiki-ing
at the big table.
442
00:14:11,210 --> 00:14:14,220
[chuckling]
The disciples are so funny.
443
00:14:15,000 --> 00:14:16,070
Oh, you had to be there.
444
00:14:16,090 --> 00:14:17,230
- We're two feet away.
- I know.
445
00:14:18,009 --> 00:14:19,169
But you're so much lower.
[giggles]
446
00:14:19,190 --> 00:14:20,220
- Last I checked,
you were over there
447
00:14:21,000 --> 00:14:22,110
just pouring wine at the table.
448
00:14:22,129 --> 00:14:24,100
You weren't sitting at it.
- [scoffing chuckle]
449
00:14:24,120 --> 00:14:26,169
- At least I'm there.
[giggles]
450
00:14:26,190 --> 00:14:27,220
Here you go.
451
00:14:28,000 --> 00:14:30,169
♪ ♪
452
00:14:30,190 --> 00:14:33,000
Oops.
I guess I'm all out.
453
00:14:33,019 --> 00:14:35,210
I could ask JC to make more,
but, you know,
454
00:14:36,000 --> 00:14:37,129
it's a dinner,
not a magic show.
455
00:14:37,149 --> 00:14:38,230
- [sarcastic chuckle]
Could've fooled me.
456
00:14:39,009 --> 00:14:40,029
Look like you trickin'
over there.
457
00:14:40,049 --> 00:14:41,090
- Ooh.
458
00:14:41,110 --> 00:14:42,139
- I heard they're not even
tipping you.
459
00:14:42,159 --> 00:14:44,169
- Well, I have a tip for you.
460
00:14:44,190 --> 00:14:47,110
Stop writing your little
chapters for the New Testament.
461
00:14:47,129 --> 00:14:50,090
Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John
got that on lock.
462
00:14:50,110 --> 00:14:51,179
- What?
- But he told me
463
00:14:51,200 --> 00:14:53,029
I could write those.
You were there
464
00:14:53,049 --> 00:14:54,139
when Jesus said I could.
- Those idiots?
465
00:14:54,159 --> 00:14:56,049
They're just gonna copy off
each other
466
00:14:56,070 --> 00:14:57,120
and write the same story
four times!
467
00:14:57,139 --> 00:14:59,149
- I know.
468
00:14:59,169 --> 00:15:01,049
Geniuses.
[giggles]
469
00:15:01,070 --> 00:15:02,139
Oh, and B-T-dubs,
470
00:15:02,159 --> 00:15:04,179
you're not going to be
in the company painting,
471
00:15:04,200 --> 00:15:06,190
so stay looking hungry.
472
00:15:06,210 --> 00:15:08,190
You do that well.
All right. Bye!
473
00:15:08,210 --> 00:15:11,080
- That's it. I am out.
I'm ready to drop my verse
474
00:15:11,100 --> 00:15:12,220
but they not trying to cash
these parables
475
00:15:13,000 --> 00:15:13,230
'cause I'm a woman?
476
00:15:14,009 --> 00:15:15,129
Nicodemus, please.
477
00:15:15,149 --> 00:15:17,100
Talking 'bout I'm gonna do
a sermon on top of a mount.
478
00:15:17,120 --> 00:15:19,159
Why don't you walk your high
heels on up the whole mountain?
479
00:15:19,179 --> 00:15:22,090
This is the last supper
I'm doing with them.
480
00:15:22,110 --> 00:15:26,169
♪ ♪
481
00:15:28,000 --> 00:15:31,039
So if it's a nuclear event,
don't use conditioner.
482
00:15:31,059 --> 00:15:34,200
It binds radioactive material
to your hair.
483
00:15:34,220 --> 00:15:36,059
It's basic chemistry.
484
00:15:36,080 --> 00:15:38,019
You went to school
for too long.
485
00:15:38,039 --> 00:15:40,100
- I know that, but now it's too
late to do anything about it
486
00:15:40,120 --> 00:15:42,110
and now I know all this stuff.
487
00:15:42,129 --> 00:15:44,070
- [yawning]
Oh, well. This has been fun.
488
00:15:44,090 --> 00:15:46,149
But, uh, I think I'm gonna pack
up some of these rations
489
00:15:46,169 --> 00:15:48,120
and see what's outside.
490
00:15:48,139 --> 00:15:49,139
Who's coming with me?
491
00:15:49,159 --> 00:15:51,039
- Oh, nope.
Not me.
492
00:15:51,059 --> 00:15:53,149
I heard that raccoons can
survive an apocalypse
493
00:15:53,169 --> 00:15:55,070
and I am not trying
to get caught outside
494
00:15:55,090 --> 00:15:57,070
by radioactive raccoons.
495
00:15:57,090 --> 00:15:59,100
- Okay, well,
it's still early, so--
496
00:15:59,120 --> 00:16:00,230
- Yeah, I was actually gonna
make everyone cappuccinos,
497
00:16:01,009 --> 00:16:02,220
but it's just
an espresso machine.
498
00:16:03,000 --> 00:16:04,110
- Oh, Nespresso?
499
00:16:04,129 --> 00:16:06,120
- No, we need to Nespress-go!
500
00:16:06,139 --> 00:16:08,129
- Robin.
- What?
501
00:16:08,149 --> 00:16:10,129
- What is going on?
- Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
502
00:16:10,149 --> 00:16:13,139
This is just weird, okay?
First of all,
503
00:16:13,159 --> 00:16:15,179
you guys woke me up from the
dream about my fortified house,
504
00:16:15,200 --> 00:16:17,090
which was very rude,
505
00:16:17,110 --> 00:16:19,110
and then Sky knew the
exact number of MREs there are
506
00:16:19,129 --> 00:16:21,210
and now that laptop got me
feeling some kind of way.
507
00:16:21,230 --> 00:16:24,110
She got all them zippers
on her pants and no pockets.
508
00:16:24,129 --> 00:16:25,210
That's not weird to you?
- No.
509
00:16:25,230 --> 00:16:27,230
- You feel me on this.
You understand.
510
00:16:28,009 --> 00:16:31,000
You know why you understand?
Because you are my friend.
511
00:16:31,019 --> 00:16:32,110
And you know what Skye is?
512
00:16:32,129 --> 00:16:34,059
She's just a woman
I shared a dick with.
513
00:16:34,080 --> 00:16:36,049
Not at the same time.
Don't make it weird.
514
00:16:36,070 --> 00:16:39,070
And the point is she knows more
than she's telling us.
515
00:16:39,090 --> 00:16:41,029
- Okay.
I see what this is.
516
00:16:41,049 --> 00:16:42,190
- Thank you.
517
00:16:42,210 --> 00:16:45,019
- You're jealous that you
didn't find this place first
518
00:16:45,039 --> 00:16:48,019
and that's a perfectly normal
way to feel.
519
00:16:48,039 --> 00:16:50,090
But also at the same time,
can you be quiet?
520
00:16:50,110 --> 00:16:52,190
I'm trying to get a coffee.
521
00:16:52,210 --> 00:16:55,039
- So how 'bout
we spike these coffees
522
00:16:55,059 --> 00:16:56,220
with something smooth
and brown?
523
00:16:57,000 --> 00:16:58,009
- [chuckles]
I'm in.
524
00:16:58,029 --> 00:17:00,029
- Oh, bet.
Works for me.
525
00:17:00,049 --> 00:17:01,210
- Not in.
I don't like coffee,
526
00:17:01,230 --> 00:17:03,000
and I don't like
what's going on.
527
00:17:03,019 --> 00:17:05,140
- Speaking of smooth and brown,
528
00:17:05,160 --> 00:17:07,130
I'm gonna make
my favorite drink.
529
00:17:07,150 --> 00:17:09,160
It's called the Kevin.
530
00:17:09,180 --> 00:17:12,170
It's simple,
but it goes down easy.
531
00:17:12,190 --> 00:17:14,130
[laughter]
[metallic clanking]
532
00:17:14,150 --> 00:17:17,049
[suspenseful music]
533
00:17:17,069 --> 00:17:22,059
♪ ♪
534
00:17:22,079 --> 00:17:24,059
Oh, shit!
535
00:17:24,079 --> 00:17:25,200
- What the hell?
536
00:17:25,220 --> 00:17:27,009
- What?
537
00:17:27,029 --> 00:17:29,150
- Now this is suspish.
- What?
538
00:17:29,170 --> 00:17:31,029
♪ ♪
539
00:17:31,049 --> 00:17:33,130
What is this?
- [gasps]
540
00:17:33,150 --> 00:17:36,210
- Aisha Lewman,
Denise DeCarter?
541
00:17:36,230 --> 00:17:38,140
Who are these people
in these passports?
542
00:17:38,160 --> 00:17:39,210
- Wait a minute.
543
00:17:39,230 --> 00:17:43,109
Passports, wigs, meals,
gym equipment.
544
00:17:43,130 --> 00:17:46,059
I mean, maybe they use this
place for witness protection?
545
00:17:46,079 --> 00:17:48,109
- Uh-uh. No, no, no.
I don't fuck with that.
546
00:17:48,130 --> 00:17:50,099
My uncle went
into witness protection.
547
00:17:50,119 --> 00:17:51,140
Never saw him again.
548
00:17:51,160 --> 00:17:53,049
- Bitch,
that's the whole point.
549
00:17:53,069 --> 00:17:55,180
- Nope. How's a old-ass laptop
gonna protect a witness?
550
00:17:55,200 --> 00:17:57,130
- 'Cause it doesn't have
a camera.
551
00:17:57,150 --> 00:18:00,099
People in witness protection
can't be on FaceTime.
552
00:18:00,119 --> 00:18:02,140
- You know, maybe it's because
it doesn't have a camera.
553
00:18:02,160 --> 00:18:05,009
You can't have people in
witness protection on FaceTime.
554
00:18:05,029 --> 00:18:06,039
- Ah.
- Oh.
555
00:18:06,059 --> 00:18:07,119
- Oh?
556
00:18:07,140 --> 00:18:09,210
So y'all didn't just witness me
say that first?
557
00:18:09,230 --> 00:18:12,069
- Okay, fine. I'll stay.
- What?
558
00:18:12,089 --> 00:18:13,230
- But only until we figure out
this mystery.
559
00:18:14,009 --> 00:18:16,079
Then I'm leaving first thing
in the morning.
560
00:18:16,099 --> 00:18:18,109
Not trying to fight
night coons anyway.
561
00:18:18,130 --> 00:18:20,140
I heard how it sounded when
I said it and I regret it.
562
00:18:20,160 --> 00:18:22,089
[quirky upbeat music]
563
00:18:23,200 --> 00:18:26,230
[thunder cracks and rumbles]
564
00:18:28,009 --> 00:18:29,130
[phone ringing]
565
00:18:29,150 --> 00:18:31,029
- Oh, my God.
566
00:18:31,049 --> 00:18:34,000
Oh, my God, oh, my God,
oh, my God.
567
00:18:34,019 --> 00:18:35,089
Hello?
568
00:18:35,109 --> 00:18:37,069
- LeeLee, it's Isaac
from the gym.
569
00:18:37,089 --> 00:18:38,160
What you gonna do tonight?
570
00:18:38,180 --> 00:18:41,019
- Oh, nothing.
Just doing algebra.
571
00:18:41,039 --> 00:18:43,009
- No, you're not.
Uh, so can I come through?
572
00:18:43,029 --> 00:18:44,160
[thunder claps]
573
00:18:44,180 --> 00:18:46,109
I mean, if you busy
or whatever, that's fine.
574
00:18:46,130 --> 00:18:47,170
- No!
575
00:18:47,190 --> 00:18:49,049
Uh, n-nah.
[clears throat softly]
576
00:18:49,069 --> 00:18:51,170
Gimme 30 minutes.
- I'll be there in five.
577
00:18:51,190 --> 00:18:53,140
- Even better!
[chuckles]
578
00:18:54,160 --> 00:18:56,009
Damn you, Isaac,
579
00:18:56,029 --> 00:18:58,140
and your D'Angelo
"How Does It Feel" dick arrow.
580
00:18:58,160 --> 00:19:00,000
[phone slaps on couch]
[thunder claps]
581
00:19:00,019 --> 00:19:01,130
[tense jazz music]
582
00:19:01,150 --> 00:19:04,130
[clicks tongue]
Come on, Hairy J. Blige.
583
00:19:04,150 --> 00:19:08,049
♪ ♪
584
00:19:08,069 --> 00:19:11,069
Damn, I did the bottom
when I should've did the top!
585
00:19:11,089 --> 00:19:13,150
♪ ♪
586
00:19:13,170 --> 00:19:15,069
I am not my hair.
587
00:19:15,089 --> 00:19:16,089
[doorbell chimes]
588
00:19:16,109 --> 00:19:18,140
[screams]
[thunder claps]
589
00:19:18,160 --> 00:19:20,230
- Okay, I see you got
the day-to-night leggings.
590
00:19:21,009 --> 00:19:22,009
- [chuckles]
You see me?
591
00:19:22,029 --> 00:19:23,079
- Little head wrap
situation.
592
00:19:23,099 --> 00:19:24,119
- Oh!
Oh. [giggles]
593
00:19:24,140 --> 00:19:26,150
Stop.
You play too much.
594
00:19:26,170 --> 00:19:28,089
- I play like Colin Kaepernick.
595
00:19:28,109 --> 00:19:29,220
Psych.
They won't let him play.
596
00:19:30,000 --> 00:19:32,059
- Oh!
- You hella nimble, too?
597
00:19:32,079 --> 00:19:34,180
- Yeah.
- Yeah, trap yoga paying off.
598
00:19:34,200 --> 00:19:36,099
What other positions you know,
hmm?
599
00:19:36,119 --> 00:19:38,089
- Oh! Man down!
[electricity zaps]
600
00:19:38,109 --> 00:19:39,200
- I can barely see you.
601
00:19:39,220 --> 00:19:42,200
- Oh, no.
- Mm, but I can feel you.
602
00:19:42,220 --> 00:19:44,220
- I'm about to ride you like
a bench,
603
00:19:45,000 --> 00:19:46,230
and I ain't got no game.
604
00:19:47,009 --> 00:19:48,150
[yelps]
- What?
605
00:19:48,170 --> 00:19:51,089
- Ooh, I get cold so fast.
606
00:19:51,109 --> 00:19:53,059
My anemia and shit.
607
00:19:53,079 --> 00:19:55,000
- Okay.
Got that.
608
00:19:55,019 --> 00:19:56,049
- I got skinny blood.
609
00:19:56,069 --> 00:19:58,079
- It's all right.
I can warm you up.
610
00:19:58,099 --> 00:20:00,049
[soft tense music]
611
00:20:00,069 --> 00:20:01,099
Oh, my God.
612
00:20:01,119 --> 00:20:03,049
♪ ♪
613
00:20:03,069 --> 00:20:05,009
You are...
614
00:20:05,029 --> 00:20:07,009
are so beautiful.
615
00:20:07,029 --> 00:20:09,009
[sexy jazz music]
Like Holly Berry.
616
00:20:09,029 --> 00:20:11,230
- I think you mean Halle.
- Yeah, that's what I said.
617
00:20:12,009 --> 00:20:14,170
I wish you could see
what I see.
618
00:20:14,190 --> 00:20:15,200
Look at that.
[shutter clicks]
619
00:20:15,220 --> 00:20:17,029
God damn.
620
00:20:17,049 --> 00:20:18,230
Tell me that ain't a dime
right there.
621
00:20:19,009 --> 00:20:22,019
- Yeah,
10¢ sounds about right.
622
00:20:22,039 --> 00:20:23,190
[soft tense music]
- Uh-uh. Hold up.
623
00:20:23,210 --> 00:20:25,069
Hold up, hold up.
Don't swipe.
624
00:20:25,089 --> 00:20:27,039
No, it's--it's--
no, that's fine.
625
00:20:27,059 --> 00:20:28,180
- Okay.
626
00:20:28,200 --> 00:20:30,109
[thunder claps]
627
00:20:30,130 --> 00:20:32,220
[tense musical spikes]
628
00:20:33,000 --> 00:20:34,140
What the hell, Isaac?
629
00:20:34,160 --> 00:20:37,220
Please tell me you are on
the street team for Kanekalon.
630
00:20:38,000 --> 00:20:39,019
- Okay.
631
00:20:39,039 --> 00:20:40,140
I love Black women's hair
632
00:20:40,160 --> 00:20:42,069
when it's in a state
of transition, all right?
633
00:20:42,089 --> 00:20:43,230
It's why I didn't call you
for five weeks.
634
00:20:44,009 --> 00:20:46,019
I had to wait for your new
growth to come in.
635
00:20:46,039 --> 00:20:48,200
- You have a kink kink?
636
00:20:48,220 --> 00:20:51,180
Couldn't you just be
a serial killer or something?
637
00:20:51,200 --> 00:20:53,200
- Black women are always
talking about how society
638
00:20:53,220 --> 00:20:56,119
doesn't see the beauty
in their natural hair, right?
639
00:20:56,140 --> 00:20:58,220
I am here telling you how dope
you are, LeeLee.
640
00:20:59,000 --> 00:21:01,109
Just like this.
641
00:21:01,130 --> 00:21:03,200
This wonderful,
wonderful new growth.
642
00:21:03,220 --> 00:21:06,089
Come here.
[sexy jazz music]
643
00:21:06,109 --> 00:21:07,180
Let's start over.
644
00:21:07,200 --> 00:21:10,119
- Okay.
- Can you and me start over?
645
00:21:10,140 --> 00:21:13,069
I'ma take you out,
I'll wine and dine you,
646
00:21:13,089 --> 00:21:15,039
a nice dinner,
you can pick whatever you want.
647
00:21:15,059 --> 00:21:17,170
Talking about gyros, anything.
648
00:21:17,190 --> 00:21:18,220
- [gasps softly]
649
00:21:19,000 --> 00:21:20,160
announcer: DoorDash.
650
00:21:20,180 --> 00:21:22,119
We got gyros or anything.
651
00:21:22,140 --> 00:21:24,140
- [sniffs deeply]
Oh, a little dry patch.
652
00:21:24,160 --> 00:21:26,049
- Oh, oh!
653
00:21:28,170 --> 00:21:31,150
[quirky upbeat music]
654
00:21:31,170 --> 00:21:33,140
- [whistles]
Sky, Darling.
655
00:21:33,160 --> 00:21:35,190
Can you fix my wig?
656
00:21:35,210 --> 00:21:37,210
[chortling laughter]
657
00:21:37,230 --> 00:21:41,089
- Oh, sweetie, mm-mm.
I don't do hair anymore.
658
00:21:41,109 --> 00:21:43,140
- Tuh!
- Are you serious?
659
00:21:43,160 --> 00:21:46,099
[tense music]
660
00:21:46,119 --> 00:21:48,089
Take your wig off and say that.
- Uh-oh.
661
00:21:48,109 --> 00:21:50,200
- Yeah. For real.
How am I gonna do hair?
662
00:21:50,220 --> 00:21:52,200
My tools and bundles
got raptured.
663
00:21:52,220 --> 00:21:54,170
- Your who did what now?
664
00:21:54,190 --> 00:21:55,200
[chuckles softly]
665
00:21:55,220 --> 00:21:57,039
[clears throat]
666
00:21:57,059 --> 00:21:59,140
[slaps table loudly]
I agree with Robin.
667
00:21:59,160 --> 00:22:03,079
This heifer is suspish.
668
00:22:04,220 --> 00:22:07,210
[upbeat music]
669
00:22:07,230 --> 00:22:09,019
♪ ♪
670
00:22:09,039 --> 00:22:11,019
- Carry out for Portia Coché,
please.
671
00:22:11,039 --> 00:22:12,230
Thank you!
672
00:22:13,009 --> 00:22:15,220
♪ ♪
673
00:22:16,000 --> 00:22:17,099
[dramatic notes]
674
00:22:17,119 --> 00:22:18,079
Oh.
675
00:22:18,099 --> 00:22:20,220
[suspenseful music]
676
00:22:21,000 --> 00:22:22,059
I'm sorry.
677
00:22:22,079 --> 00:22:24,119
Why did you only give me
one set of plastic wear?
678
00:22:24,140 --> 00:22:26,009
- My apologies.
679
00:22:26,029 --> 00:22:27,140
I'd like to make your day
better by offering you
680
00:22:27,160 --> 00:22:30,059
another complimentary free set
on the house.
681
00:22:30,079 --> 00:22:31,069
♪ ♪
682
00:22:31,089 --> 00:22:32,200
- No.
That is not the point.
683
00:22:32,220 --> 00:22:35,069
Why didn't you just ask
how many sets of plastic wear
684
00:22:35,089 --> 00:22:37,049
instead of just giving me one?
685
00:22:37,069 --> 00:22:38,210
- Thank you for your gift
of feedback.
686
00:22:38,230 --> 00:22:40,170
When you ordered one entrée,
I shouldn't have assumed.
687
00:22:40,190 --> 00:22:43,210
- No. Oh. I'm sorry.
You just assumed I was single?
688
00:22:43,230 --> 00:22:46,049
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
I would never assume that.
689
00:22:46,069 --> 00:22:49,150
No, you look super taken.
Like, overly taken, actually.
690
00:22:49,170 --> 00:22:51,079
- Uh-uh!
Now you calling me a ho?
691
00:22:51,099 --> 00:22:54,019
- [softly] Um...
- [stuttering angrily]
692
00:22:54,039 --> 00:22:55,190
- Dilan, July is slipping away.
693
00:22:55,210 --> 00:22:57,140
I'm sincerely sorry, ma'am.
694
00:22:57,160 --> 00:22:59,210
- Oh, no!
Ma'am?
695
00:22:59,230 --> 00:23:02,069
Do I look like someone's mother
to you?
696
00:23:02,089 --> 00:23:03,190
[scoffs]
697
00:23:03,210 --> 00:23:04,190
Huh?
698
00:23:04,210 --> 00:23:06,049
[head hits wall]
699
00:23:06,069 --> 00:23:08,160
- Well, if you're not
somebody's mother, uh,
700
00:23:08,180 --> 00:23:11,109
you should be.
- Oh, wow, wow, wow.
701
00:23:11,130 --> 00:23:14,089
Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow.
702
00:23:14,109 --> 00:23:15,210
Wow.
703
00:23:15,230 --> 00:23:17,150
Now you calling me out 'cause
I don't have any kids, huh?
704
00:23:17,170 --> 00:23:18,190
Uh-huh?
705
00:23:18,210 --> 00:23:20,079
So now I'm starring
in a Tyler Perry movie
706
00:23:20,099 --> 00:23:21,180
about a professional
Black woman with a great career
707
00:23:21,200 --> 00:23:23,059
and expendable income
to eat out every night
708
00:23:23,079 --> 00:23:25,039
but doesn't have a man
and a family of her own?
709
00:23:25,059 --> 00:23:26,220
Well, let me tell you what.
- [whimpers]
710
00:23:27,000 --> 00:23:30,000
- I can write that script bad
all by myself.
711
00:23:30,019 --> 00:23:32,230
- Okay, um, I hear you
and I see you
712
00:23:33,009 --> 00:23:36,009
and I fear you and I'd do
anything to make this right,
713
00:23:36,029 --> 00:23:38,099
so, um, please, please allow me
714
00:23:38,119 --> 00:23:40,200
to offer you 10% off
of your meal.
715
00:23:40,220 --> 00:23:42,130
- [laughing]
Oh!
716
00:23:42,150 --> 00:23:44,180
Now I need a--now--now--I--
717
00:23:44,200 --> 00:23:46,059
now, I need a handout?
718
00:23:46,079 --> 00:23:47,079
You think just because
719
00:23:47,099 --> 00:23:48,150
I haven't paid off
my student loans
720
00:23:48,170 --> 00:23:50,190
and probably never will
that I'm poor?
721
00:23:50,210 --> 00:23:51,230
Ha-ha!
Let me tell you something.
722
00:23:52,009 --> 00:23:53,130
It's called "good debt."
723
00:23:53,150 --> 00:23:55,150
- Oh, stupid Dilon.
Stupid!
724
00:23:55,170 --> 00:23:57,170
I'm truly sorry
if my poor customer service
725
00:23:57,190 --> 00:23:59,079
caused you any frustration.
[tense notes]
726
00:23:59,099 --> 00:24:01,079
I mean, you have every right
to be happy.
727
00:24:01,099 --> 00:24:03,059
Look at you.
You're all fabulous and 40.
728
00:24:03,079 --> 00:24:05,079
[soft tense music]
729
00:24:05,099 --> 00:24:07,059
- Whoo!
730
00:24:07,079 --> 00:24:08,230
Whoo!
731
00:24:09,009 --> 00:24:10,180
40?
Frustrated?
732
00:24:10,200 --> 00:24:13,019
I have never been any
of those things.
733
00:24:13,039 --> 00:24:14,230
My life is perfect.
And let me tell you what.
734
00:24:15,009 --> 00:24:18,009
This is just a snack on my way
to my beautiful home
735
00:24:18,029 --> 00:24:19,130
where my man...
736
00:24:19,150 --> 00:24:21,230
Dilantre also lives.
737
00:24:22,009 --> 00:24:23,150
- Of course, miss.
738
00:24:23,170 --> 00:24:26,039
- And he is just tired from
a long day of working at NASA.
739
00:24:26,059 --> 00:24:28,160
- Very, very hard job.
- It is very hard.
740
00:24:28,180 --> 00:24:29,190
And you know what else?
741
00:24:29,210 --> 00:24:30,210
I'm just over here
being selfish
742
00:24:30,230 --> 00:24:32,000
only ordering food for myself.
743
00:24:32,019 --> 00:24:33,119
He hates that about me.
744
00:24:33,140 --> 00:24:34,180
You know what?
745
00:24:34,200 --> 00:24:36,200
Give me a number two,
a number seven,
746
00:24:36,220 --> 00:24:39,069
a number nine, a number 18.
Write it down.
747
00:24:39,089 --> 00:24:40,230
- Mm-hmm. My pleasure.
- Mm-hmm.
748
00:24:41,009 --> 00:24:42,049
- Two, seven, nine?
749
00:24:42,069 --> 00:24:44,000
- And a number 18.
And you know what?
750
00:24:44,019 --> 00:24:46,180
Add a number 11.
That's Dilantre's favorite.
751
00:24:46,200 --> 00:24:48,140
And also, I'm very rich!
752
00:24:48,160 --> 00:24:50,160
- Okay, got it. And your order
will be right up.
753
00:24:50,180 --> 00:24:53,039
And I'm so sorry again.
I'm so, so sorry.
754
00:24:53,059 --> 00:24:55,059
- Hmph!
Calling me single,
755
00:24:55,079 --> 00:24:57,099
singularly focused
on being dope? Hmph!
756
00:24:57,119 --> 00:24:59,019
Broke?
Ooh!
757
00:24:59,039 --> 00:25:01,200
I own several guest towels
and a KitchenAid stand mixer!
758
00:25:01,220 --> 00:25:04,200
- Oh, I got another lady
to buy up the entire kitchen.
759
00:25:04,220 --> 00:25:06,039
[takes excited deep breath]
760
00:25:06,059 --> 00:25:08,019
We'll be back in the black
in no time.
761
00:25:08,039 --> 00:25:09,140
Uh, Dilantre?
[snorts]
762
00:25:09,160 --> 00:25:10,210
Really?
[door opens]
763
00:25:10,230 --> 00:25:13,059
[chimes jingling]
764
00:25:13,079 --> 00:25:14,170
- Hey.
765
00:25:14,190 --> 00:25:16,210
Did you get number 11?
You know that's my favorite.
766
00:25:16,230 --> 00:25:20,099
[upbeat music]
767
00:26:21,119 --> 00:26:24,000
- You know, people should vote.
- Why?
768
00:26:24,019 --> 00:26:26,140
So white people can make
mayonnaise the national food?
769
00:26:26,160 --> 00:26:28,170
No, thank you.
When were you gonna tell me?
770
00:26:28,190 --> 00:26:31,000
- That I could read?
- Yes.
771
00:26:31,019 --> 00:26:32,130
- I just--I just assumed.
772
00:26:32,150 --> 00:26:34,130
- Who taught you?
How many letters?
773
00:26:34,150 --> 00:26:35,119
How many words?
774
00:26:35,140 --> 00:26:37,079
Read this first line.
775
00:26:37,099 --> 00:26:38,160
- The Earth is flat.
776
00:26:38,180 --> 00:26:40,109
- Oh, and you're quick with it,
too. I--
777
00:26:40,130 --> 00:26:43,009
- You play too much.
- I play like
778
00:26:43,029 --> 00:26:45,200
every light-skinned actor in
a Tyler Perry stage production.
779
00:26:45,220 --> 00:26:47,200
- Oh, don't--don't.
- Na...
780
00:26:47,220 --> 00:26:49,230
omi Campbell.
"The Notebook."
781
00:26:50,009 --> 00:26:54,009
- Stop it right here,
you hear me? Stop it.
782
00:26:54,029 --> 00:26:55,220
- 1985.
783
00:26:56,000 --> 00:26:57,180
That was a good year.
784
00:26:57,200 --> 00:26:59,150
- Talking 'bout they was gonna
write the 11th commandment.
785
00:26:59,170 --> 00:27:01,200
[drawn-out scoffing laugh]
786
00:27:01,220 --> 00:27:03,109
Where?
787
00:27:03,130 --> 00:27:05,009
[chuckles]
Period.
788
00:27:05,029 --> 00:27:06,039
- [laughs]
789
00:27:06,059 --> 00:27:08,059
- You never thought.
- Stop.
790
00:27:08,079 --> 00:27:10,119
- ♪ Never too much ♪
791
00:27:10,140 --> 00:27:12,069
- [laughing]
I'm sorry.
792
00:27:12,089 --> 00:27:13,150
- And they have food.
You have nothing.
793
00:27:13,170 --> 00:27:14,230
- You know
we don't have anything
794
00:27:15,009 --> 00:27:16,009
'cause you supposed
to bring it.
795
00:27:16,029 --> 00:27:17,160
- Well, did you leave
796
00:27:17,180 --> 00:27:19,069
your sacrificial lamb
with the bouncer at the front?
797
00:27:19,089 --> 00:27:20,210
- We couldn't afford one.
- Did you get a ticket
798
00:27:20,230 --> 00:27:22,029
for your food?
I don't see tickets for food.
799
00:27:22,049 --> 00:27:23,089
- Why did you invite us to this
800
00:27:23,109 --> 00:27:24,109
if we were supposed to do
all that?
801
00:27:24,130 --> 00:27:25,140
- I invited you?
- Mary.
802
00:27:25,160 --> 00:27:27,000
- Maybe that was my assistant.
803
00:27:27,019 --> 00:27:28,130
- I fell down a mound of olives
in those.
804
00:27:28,150 --> 00:27:30,119
I can't walk on water or land
with those.
805
00:27:30,140 --> 00:27:32,000
You remember the snake
in the Garden of Eden?
806
00:27:32,019 --> 00:27:34,039
He made those shoes.
- Wait, I'm sorry.
807
00:27:34,059 --> 00:27:35,069
You feel down a mound
of olives?
808
00:27:35,089 --> 00:27:37,099
[laughter]
58305
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